#…..and ruins my mental health in either the short or long term again

[x-for-a-y]

re: my last post (again) here are my thoughts on what kind of reasonable lasting or short-term effects being goners would have on the doatk cast in a post-canon revival setting:

jake: i already headcanon him as being disabled, something akin to chronic fatigue or insomnia or POTS. so getting all the wires out... either his preexisting conditions make recovery harder or the lasting effects themselves are mainly just exacerbating his old issues. but regardless. rollator jake real guptill: the main thing he'd have to deal with is just being fucking Out Of It. getting used to having direct, normal control over his body again. like in the long-term he'll be alright it's just going to be a rough first few days being back in his body edmund: this would be easier to determine if he were less ambiguously human from the get-go so. fuck it. heightened allergen sensitivity acquired star warriors: kirby bounces back fine, he just needs a few days to relax some, and his friends like bandana dee notice he's more tired & give him some help & kindness. meta knight also probably could use some time off but he's not going to give himself any, & his crew certainly can't get him to, so eventually dedede's the one who buckles down and makes sure all his buddies are feeling well again demo: she's fine. i don't have anything else to say hamood: now on one hand that's a fucked up transformation. on the other hand that's a lot more to clearly get reset back to normal. & on the other hand he's, what, 5? i think he does end up with slightly out-of-whack proportions from all this- his wings in particular turn out on the side of too large -but it'd probably take another 8 years for stuff like corrective surgery or just physical therapy & shit to be considered at: unfortunately i never watched this show so while the long-term effects are pretty up in the air i don't think the short-term effects are any worse than what can be covered in, like, a couple episode's time. like maybe jake needs a good pep talk or two from people to feel comfortable in his body again & finn has to learn to not run away from his issues. something like that kebian + will: will goes home and vents a little about the experience to his partner(s? i don't watch all his stuff). kebin, meanwhile, only turns to a bit of introspection out of competitiveness for what ian does, and thinks to himself that maybe the wall is a little fucked up then goes no further; ian takes up yoga/other mindfulness-focused athletics in order to feel more at home in his body. korone: probably spends the first few days aching like a motherfucker, the sort of full-body soreness you only get from like climbing a mountain or a way-too-intense workout. once it stops hurting to breathe she probably goes back to gaming just to keep her mind off stuff & maybe picks up streaming again not long after but it's at least a couple weeks before she's at base physical performance again. morty: dude i don't know. i think it makes the most sense for him to fuck off & resume a lifestyle of peaceful hedonism & self-care. no way he's going to start being introspective about stuff until he's like. 40. i don't watch the show dreem himself i have nothing to say about but, going with the assumption that the puppet, me, & you are all versions of the same person: physically i can just say they deal with generally reduced stamina, mentally meanwhile. for their own health & safety they log the fuck off most places and try to enjoy the music they like without getting bogged down in the awkwardly online social kinds of things and then. i don't know, some kingdom hearts shit happens to it- it spends time offline & otherwise with friends trying to figure out its own emotions -and it regrows a heart/soul. mozart: he got hit with the hypermobility beam! oh shit! knee braces wrist braces a brace for the spine, you name it he uses it. bonus roommate: two dimensional in the adam ruins everything animated insert way. yeah it's fucked up. yeah he'll never fully be, like, a regular human.

[rain-tumbling-through-a-vent]

I’m disgusted by my own body. I’ve been spiraling for THREE AND A HALF weeks now and I’ve forgotten to brush my teeth the whole time. I think I’ve got, like, 3 or four cavities. My parents also stopped paying my medical bills so every treatment I get comes out of my own pocket. I need wisdom teeth surgery too, I spent FIVE WHOLE YEARS in braces only to fuck my teeth up after I get them off. I suck so fucking much. I can’t stop scratching out holes in my face either. I started the week with nothing but small acne sores that’d go away in a week and now I’ve got three massive gashes on my face. That’s not even to mention the fact that I didn’t take a shower for THREE WHOLE WEEKS. I’m so fucking disgusting, why can’t I hyperfixate on being healthy or making myself beautiful? Oh yeah, MY MIND IS A PRISON THAT I CANNOT EVER ESCAPE. When I finished my shower yesterday, I pulled a hairball the size of both my fists put together off of my wet brush. I have curly hair so shedding in the shower is pretty normal, but that much hair? It’s too much! I’m scared to take a shower again and pulling enough hair out to create a bald spot. I already broke a whole lick of hair off right at my hairline so that it looks like I have the worst bangs ever. It also doesn’t help that my arms, back, and thighs are covered in scars from where I picked at sores. And when I say covered, I mean fuckin COVERED. I look like an ambidextrous heroine addict with really bad aim and a lying mother. And even on top of all of that, I’m a trans girl as well. So all of my failings only serve to compound the dysphoria that I feel at a base level every fucking day. I know that these behaviors are indicative of chronic anxiety and/or depression and/or adhd, but I’ve never been this bad. I’m borderline suicidal and incredibly lonely, I think I’m an extrovert with such terrible anxiety that it prevents me from refilling my energy. I think that the worst part of all of this is the fact that I have friends that want to talk to me, they just live far enough away to be too expensive to drive over for an afternoon. And I cannot properly put into words how much I HATE talking on the phone and texting. It’s too stressful trying to figure out how to get the time of a message across, and talking on the phone is just terrible. I had a long term partner of two and a half years until relatively recently. I initiated a break in the relationship because we were extremely co-dependent and had been driving apart for a few months anyways. Long story short, he ended up crossing my boundaries and being an asshole to my friends so I ended the relationship. He didn’t take it very well and now we aren’t in communication with each other anymore. The wild thing about it is we were unhealthily codependent, but I didn’t realize how much I needed him. I’ve been in a prolonged spiral ever since I pushed him away, just feeling absolutely empty and all at once overwhelmed. He was my purpose and I threw him away. All of that was pretty terrible, but almost nothing trumps my mostly fiscally supportive parents. My home life sucks and not just because I’m a fucking loser 20 year old that lives with her parents. There’s only one rule for them, one line I can’t cross, don’t be visibly trans at their house. I must note that I’m the eldest of four and all of my siblings hate me for causing my parent’s terrible mental health. They’re not wrong, but I was outed so I didn’t mean to. So one rule, you’re in the closet over here, okay that doesn’t sound so bad. Literally every conversation I have with either of them always ends up being about their feelings towards my transness. They seem to think I’ve been brainwashed by the trans agenda and am going to mutilate myself and immediately regret it. Every conversation ends like this, over and over again I’m constantly reminded that I’m an abomination or that I’m ruining my life. But here’s the real kicker, they continue to support me financially; even going so far as to offer to pay for college if I can ever get my shit together and get back over there. (1/?)

[iampikachuhearmeroar]

to the younger people on this Webbed Site (affectionate)™️, please don’t feel bad blocking people or feel bad when you lose a follower on sites like tumblr/tiktok/insta etc.

as someone whose basically grown up on social media (i’ve been on it since the the dying days of myspace in 2007/2008 and the switch to facebook being the dominant social media site in 2009/2010); i know the feeling of hating yourself or beating yourself up when people delete you or unfollow you. for example when i was in my early days on tumblr from 2011 to 2014…. when i lost a follower, i would beat myself up and wonder why the hell someone would unfollow me. what was i doing wrong??? what was the last stick to make them unfollow me??? please don’t hate me and i’ve got to rebuild the 10+ followers i’ve just lost. how long will it take???

back on facebook in my final years of high school in 2012 and 2013, i was setting multiple statuses a day, all in an “experiment” to see if i could get 50 likes in a day over several statuses; since i could never get 20-50 likes on statuses at once, like all the so called “popular kids” at school did all the time. hell i remember one of the popular girls from the catholic school i went to posting bikini pics back then and getting literally like 400+ likes and i was SUPER bitter.

i also heavily beat myself up when people deleted me. i got angry, so i would stalk and stalk and stalk and stay up until 4 am wondering why the fuck people were purging me out their friends list like wildfire….. when like…. literally 90% of my statuses over my last two years of high school were me giving off Major Depression Vibes™️….. which i now realise in my late 20s that it wasn’t healthy posting a bunch of “im such a failure and everyone knows it” and other statuses like that, super frequently. by deleting me, people were preserving their mental health. and you know what??? good for them. because, after all, your newsfeed is not your therapist (or your diary), and nor are your friends.

and yes i know that i was Edgy Girl As Hell On Main™️ back then, and using that as my excuse to post those posts and to avoid therapy (although the main reason i’m not in therapy right now is obvs the cost and every therapist around in my area closing their books bc of the pandemic etc). bc hell, now in my late 20s, and over the last few years, i have actually started deleting some of these said statuses. and especially when i was feeling low. because i realised reading them back years later in facebook memories just made my anxiety/depression exponentially worse than it needed to be. actively culling your own Edgy Emo Tumblr Sad Girl Posts™️ from years ago makes you healthier as well.

but y’all. there has to come a time when you stop fretting about whose deleted/unfollowed you and why. and there also comes a time when you have purge your own friends/follow list anyway, when you realise that there’s some people you cannot stand to have in your newsfeed. one particular case in point, for me, is my old friend from public school in 2012 & 2013, let’s call her taya (not her real name). taya was (can't say is really when i barely ever talk to her now) the type of friend who constantly belittles your problems and makes her problems seem super more pressing than yours- basically she pits her suffering etc in competition with yours. she makes out that her mental health is far more important than yours and posted about it all the time. she straight up laughs at your shit and tells you yours doesn’t matter. 99% of her statuses at the time were about her being the “black sheep” of her family etc etc etc. hell, she even laugh reacted to a status that you intended to be important and urgent (it when i was in hospital in 2020 and maybe i shouldn’t’ve posted this. but still.) while anyone and everyone else who reacted to the status reacted with the sad react/the care react/heart react, or just liked it. anyway. you know this type of friend.

there comes a time when YOU can’t (and quite frankly shouldn’t) tolerate this anymore, no matter how close you are or close they/you think you are with them. i ended up deleting taya for a few years, a while ago now, because her statuses and shared posts were actively making my mental health worse. and it always seemed when i was feeling at my worst, she would post stupid shit on my timeline like “we all have that friend who acts like their (when it should be they’re) dead” or some other rude/snarky internet shit and be all like “haha get up you sack of shit 🙄😂” as the caption…. as if i wasn’t already telling myself that on the daily at the time. whereas 90% of her profile was all those stupid “only real people who REALLY CARE about mental health will share this status! be the BRAVE 10 who care!!!” or whatever the fuck else posts. and depressing shit about being a “lone wolf” and “being a strong scorpio woman who’ll never find love bc no one can handle my insanity and constant empathy for everyone” and “being a brutally honest bitch is tough when it doesn’t win you friends. but at least my true friends stick with me!” etc etc. just overall toxic friend stuff.

and y’know what??? when i deleted her, i guilted myself. good god i guilted myself. “why would i do something so mean by deleting taya when i’ve known her for so long???” and “it shows just how disloyal i am as a friend by deleting her” i asked and told myself on a loop until i literally THREW UP out of guilt for deleting her. but girl. sometimes a bitch needs to really protect her mental health from people like taya over here who thinks she’s the centre of the universe and EVERYONE must care about HER PROBLEMS AND TRAUMA ONLY 24/7/365 bc apparently they’re the most urgent things in the world bc “why can’t you understand my empath mind???”. like yes taya, i care, to a point. but i am NOT your licensed motherfucking therapist. for fucks sake. and no taya. you are NOT an empath when you can’t read a room for goddamn fucking shit and can’t understand why people are constantly tired and worn down around you.

and girl (back to myself), you are NOT being selfish or disloyal by deleting and/or blocking this energy sucking friend. and no, if you paint yourself/other people paint you as a “nice person”, blocking these types of people from your feeds etc isn’t you being mean to THEM. it’s YOU being actively nice to Y O U R S E L F, which is a hard and almost alien thing to learn when you always put everyone else’s needs and perceptions of you before yours. (and trust me, it’s something i’ve just realised RIGHT NOW while coming back to constantly re-edit this post lmao 😂).

like yes don’t get me wrong. i did listen to taya’s rants and stuff, as a friend does. but my god. the way she ALWAYS belittled my shit and laughed in my face (or it felt like laughing in my face on fb messenger) at the lowest points of my mental health was fucking awful. her depression posts made it even worse. but my fucking god. i could only take so much. i had to delete her. she did eventually find me and add me again after a couple of years. when this happened, i immediately got rid of her from my feed. i just clicked “don’t show me taya’s posts” and that stopped her constant stream of negative posts on my feed. however, it didn’t stop some of her dumbass comments like “hahaha as IF you’d get weight loss ads on your feed when YOU aren’t fat like ME!” on my posts; which i learnt to ignore or vaguely respond to before her comments got out of hand. like taya everyone gets weight loss ads apparently; bc fb ad filters don’t discriminate when you don’t tell them to.

tbh most of her insensitive behaviour shit towards me was from her instant labelling of me as the “funny friend” and the “doesn’t take shit from anyone friend”. which then meant to her that i could never be sad or never feel anything negative and could always take whatever bullshit people chucked at me….. and especially when someone says something hurtful etc bc it’s apparently all meant to slide off me like…. - i can’t think of a good metaphor- but you know what i mean. it also meant to her that i was NEVER being serious about anything EVER bc funny people don’t have the capacity to be serious, ever. apparently.

but anyway. there comes a point when you have to care about yourself more than keeping people on your friend/followers list out of obligation because you’ve known them for so long. if you can’t tolerate what they post or can’t have a civilised convo with them about what they post (mostly bc i never bothered with this girl bc i knew she’d NEVER listen to me bc haha funny friend can’t be sad or angry or argumentative!!!! say something funny. for thee is mine own personal fool)… just delete them. or if you feel like you can’t delete them, just take them out of your feed so that you can no longer see their triggering posts. same with sites like twitter with following.

and this goes for other toxic people in your life too. because my high school stalker/creeper tried to re-add me again a while ago now…… and i instantly blocked him; bc i’d seen from going through his profile that he hadn’t changed at all…. and that i knew he’d start harassing me to fuck him (he’s a massive incel type guy) etc like he always does. i knew after all my time in hospital and stuff over the last couple of years, that i have NO TIME AND ENERGY to deal with his manipulative bullshit anymore (and i never really did in the first place anyway tbh). so before he could even start a convo with me, i just straight up blocked him. i’m never letting him in again to hijack my mental health and my self-esteem.

and even though, yes when you get older, it’s still fun to try to sniff out the person who has deleted you all of a sudden (bc tbh here, i still do this for funsies)… in reality, you know deep down that you’ve lost connection with them. or let’s be real, you never liked them in the first place in school or wherever else you met them (could be work etc)…. that yeah. you were just waiting for them to delete/unfollow you anyway and you don’t care that they finally have.

and the weird social obligation where you feel like you have to keep this person on social media because you’ve known them for X amount of years is fucked up and dumb. because if amanda or victor is constantly belittling you or constantly posting upsetting shit and they do nothing about fixing their feed after you’ve told them that it bothers you (if you’ve done this), maybe it’s time to just straight up delete/block them anyway so you can hopefully no longer see or engage with the upsetting stuff that they keep posting. and i’m obvs deflecting the fact that i actually did engage with posts that made my mental health worse (hello 2011-2015 tumblr era black & white depression blogs) on here back in the day, but i no longer do that.

moreover, follower counts and friend counts mean fuck all. they’re arbitrary. and the fact that social media makes you feel like an asshole for deleting/unfollowing/blocking people from your feed/dash etc….. it’s ultimately important if their posts are fucking with your mental health and/or you can’t have decent convos with this person about anything because they make it wholly about themselves; or have labelled you as a certain friend role which means you can never X, when they can….. it’s better to dump them out with the trash where they belong by deleting/blocking them. these stupid as fuck numbers have nothing to fucking do with loyalty and other traits for irl friends. the idea of loyalty in a follower only matters when it becomes your career. because without “loyal fans/followers”, you don’t make a mark (or y’know you don’t get brand deals/sponsors etc).

and also overall, this post is a big fuck you for growing up on social media. it really does especially hurt people with high anxiety etc. it’s utterly exhausting and it’s exactly why i haven’t made the supposedly necessary 1000+ different social media accounts: from insta to tiktok to twitter to whatever the fuck the next one is going to be. i just have no energy to invest in having to spread myself thin over several SM accounts to see the following stats and the for you page on TT for example, feeding me videos that could inevitably make me feel worse. i actually actively have to cull the videos on my facebook watch feed, which i talk about every so often.

i did all this shit 10+ years ago, beating up myself over losing followers when i was only at like 500 or something and it also hurt when i was in my obsessive tumblr cleaning out phase, at just how many of my old followers, and sometimes mutuals, On This Here Hellsite (affectionate)™️ had deactivated over the years. it really shooketh me to my core, if the kids are still saying that. i don’t want to do that on other social media platforms, though.

and as i’ve stated in the past on here, it’s also exactly one of the reasons why i dropped out of the comms and media studies (triple major in marketing comms/PR/advertising) degree that i originally started undergrad uni with in 2015. i had no energy to expend to “professional” social media account follower counts- which we were being marked on as part of the course. i had no desire for engagement and the study of social media engagement in a professional space like i thought i did from using tumblr, at that point in time, for 4 years. but systematically and critically studying it seemed like a nightmare because why should i give a shit that people on my course aren’t engaging with my tweets and wordpress posts??? (like i know why but still).

BUT ANYWAY. this post went in so many different directions…. and i hope that if i have any younger followers, that they know that the younger millennials/older gen z (idek what the fuck i am) know the struggle of growing up online and that blocking/deleting etc people on the internet is good. and also that losing followers/friends etc is okay esp when you get older. unless of course you made this shit your career…. on this front, i have no idea how to help you on that tbh

[tundrainafrica]

Do you think levihan is canon?

I’m guessing you’re not asking about my overall opinion on 139, so I’ll just leave it here as a Levihan opinion. I could probably do another rant about my overall opinion of the ending but probs another time.  

And I have been meaning to make this meta for a while and I kinda wanted to wait for the last chapter cause for some crazy reason, I was a clown hoping that Levihan would just suddenly happen? Like maybe in the paths, she walks to him or something 

But woop. We have to search again for the crumbs like we’re on some scavenger hunt. 

And you know what? I like it this way. Thank you Yams for not butchering your characters over one ship. Thank you for portraying so realistically what romance between two mature adults with responsibilities is actually supposed to look like. 

So yeah, before we go into it, I did go around asking about other ships and I realized, maybe we have been using the word ‘canon’ incorrectly. Or so, that’s the first thing I thought. 

I had a conversation with my sister a few days back (who hates Levihan if it isn’t obvious), and she used to be an avid Klaroline shipper back in the day (The Vampire Diaries), and she explained that a the fandom actually don’t see Klaroline as a canon couple even if they were teased throughout the show (fucked, kissed and everything in between) since it isn’t end game. 

So to lay out my terms here and just be incredibly clear about it. I consider Levihan canon, but I do not consider them end game because they obviously aren’t, 132 happened and Hange didn’t come back.. 

So what do i mean by canon? 

There are lots of nuances here to consider when we call them canon. 

For one, fandoms wait for the couple to be ‘official’ kiss and all. Other fandoms wait for the end before they say it, because no matter how many times two characters fuck, kiss and declare their undying love, if they don’t commit, if they don’t make it to the end, then it’s not canon. 

When I say Levihan is canon, I clearly mean,  even if they didn’t end up together, they probably could have still been in a relationship, they probably could have still been in love. They probably actually held a stronger and much more nuanced bond than whatever main couple we watch in some sappy romantic drama. 

And maybe they actually did fall in love behind closed doors? Maybe they meta-ed their own relationship together and maybe they’ve discussed it and maybe they were aware. ( have a meta about it here)

But here’s the thing, we’ll never know, because in Season 4, after A LOT of the development of their relationship could have been implied, Levi and Hange were separated from each other so we actually didn’t get a lot of scenes of them closely together until 115, 126 etc. 

And here is the part where people call me delusional? Because people who invalidate our ship like to do that.

Because yes.. They’re just ultra mega besties. 

AND I GET SO FRUSTRATED AT THIS TAKE. LIKE SINCE WHEN HAS ROMANCE EVER RUINED FRIENDSHIPS?

It doesn’t make any sense??? Like I have no idea how people are having relationships when the first they think when they get into a relationship is “I don’t wanna ruin this friendship,” 

I get confessing and rejecting can ruin a relationship but getting into a relationship? How does that ruin a friendship. 

I’m sorry I know that is such a trope but like yo, half the time when people ask about me and my boyfriend (who started of as bestfriends) WE GOT INTO THIS RELATIONSHIP BECAUSE WE WANTED TO BE ‘BESTIES’ IN OTHER DIMENSIONS AS WELL. 

AND WE WANTED TO BE SUPER ULTRA MEGA BESTIES (lovers in short). 

It is inevitable that you will be best friends with your partner. Yo, if your partner aint one of your besties or one of your most trusted confidants, you might wanna... you know, reevaluate your relationship???

There are so many layers to love than just kiss kiss smooch a

Like, I’m incredibly choosy with romance ships like if people noticed, I only ever have written this much for Levihan. 

And one main reason for this really is because writers have a tendency of messing with a story, doing things that don’t make sense so the couple that is slated to get together, actually ends up together.

And the development never seemed natural half the time? Because some writers are just obsessed with making their pair happen. And what do they do after? They put them into so much drama which makes me question the overall health of the relationship.

nd I dunno, media is probably messing with this perspective of love by saying obviously problematic relationships are canon. So yeah even if he punched his girlfriend ONCE, and even if she cheated on him ONCE, they probably still loved each other so they’re canon lmao.

And call me a puritan here or something but there are certain things people do in a relationship and when it happens I will just sit there and say, that ain’t love, do you guys even love each other? 

And sorry I’m probably that asshole friend who would probably hate your toxic partner and will probably just tell you I’m not showing up to your wedding if I don’t like your partner.

I will not condone cheating AT ALL. I personally do not want to consider ‘canon’ any relationship where two people cheat on each other. I personally do not wanna consider ‘canon’ a relationship that thrives on miscommunication issues either because I dunno if I just got into the wrong relationship or something? But like at the age of 24, we actually talk stuff out 

Like woah, there are couples who don’t talk things out? Like what do you do when you’re stuck with each other 24/7? NOt TALK? 

I will consider canon any ship that runs on implicit trust, this belief that they should be constantly there with each other. Because that’s what love is. That’s what a relationship is and I’m gonna live my whole life believing that these are the only things that make up love for me. 

Love is trust. Love is a strong bond. Love is just two people giving and taking and sacrificing for each other. And Love is this commitment to make something work with the other person. 

And if it isn’t any of the things above, ‘sorry for invalidating’ but it ain’t love and by extension, it ain’t canon for me.  

Tbh, I think that’s the reason Levihan has been incredibly uneventful relationship wise actually made it so much for me that I thought they were pretty much canon. I still have issues with how Eremika was pulled off even if they were blatantly canon and had more than enough blatant crumbs. 

Because sure Eren and Mikasa did love each other but I guess their relationship was just so problematic since the start that even I was like ‘do you guys really love each other?’ half the time and I was constantly thinking about Mikasa’s mental health there like yo, why you so obsessed with him. There’s literally a Jean there who would probably treat you 124543x better,  

But for Levi and Hange we had parallels with Eremika. And we had crumbs

With putting his crumbs for Levihan, from the airplane, unrequited titan love, let’s live together, Hange’s longing face and the Levi’s dedicate your heart and the fact that HANGE NEVER LEFT HIS SIDE UNTIL THEY DIED, come on, I don’t know what people aren’t seeing. 

But the point is, (Okay understandable since Levi and Hange are older), Personally I just believe Levi and Hange approached their relationship more like mature adults than hormonal teenagers. Like so sorry, they decided to approach their relationship like adults instead of some teenager who bird poops on any guy who tries to cheat on Mikasa. 

Here’s the thing, Hange probably never would have complained like Eren. I honestly believe it was totally in character for her to just look down on him longingly from the paths. And I personally believed Levi had approached their relationship with a kind of acceptance like ‘ ay yo, we’re too busy for this but maybe after the war?’ that’s why even towards the end, the only way he lets himself be reminded of her was through watching the airplane and thinking of her. *fudge I’m tearing up* 

I guess the fact that they really approached this relationship and this bond like how they’re characters were supposed to, the fact that they threw everything away for the sake of the war. Yet the fact that we saw ALL THIS CRUMBS that there could have been something more if they just weren’t captain and commander in the middle of the war, just makes this so fucking canon to me. 

I would probably be speculative if we just had 115? Or maybe just 126? Or maybe just 132? But the thing is, the crumbs never stopped coming. There were so many things Yams could have CHOSEN not to do. But he did everything so deliberately from ‘let’s live together’ to ‘unrequited love’ to the Eremika parallels. 

Did he have to draw that airplane in the air and Levi making eye contact with Onyakopon? Okay I wonder why he did that? Cause really what connects Levi to Onyakopon? WHAT PLANE SCENE CONNECTS LEVI TO ONYAKOPON? 

I dunno man, but really at this point, this is so canon. Like sure Eremika takes the cake for most blatantly canon. 

But given the terms I’ve stated above for what I believe romance, love, relationships and canon is for me. 

Levihan is canon and it probably is the most canon relationship for me. Because the blatant lack of drama in the portrayal of their relationship for me just proves, Levi and Hange were very sure about their relationship with the other, I could probably say they were the two surest people in love in the whole damn show. 

THEY JUST COULDN’T GET TOGETHER BECAUSE OF CIRCUMSTANCES. (WHICH MAKES THEM ALL THE MORE ADMIRABLE ANYWAY)

So thanks for reading and sorry about this major ass rant. 

[chemicalpink]

Since you've been sugar baby 👀👀 you have any tips?

Ohhh it’s tea time, I gotchu. Note that I do not in any possible way recommend following the glucose guardian route in a mainstream way, if you’d like to have a s/o that is also your main provider, do so aware of the relationship between the two. Evidently all of the following goes with the disclaimer that it was my experience, and most of it plays around with what’s actually legal and what’s not so I’m not exactly a good reference for it. I will however, point out a few things I wished I had done different. This is NOT a how-to enter this type of arrangement by any means.

If you’re a minor please DO NOT interact

Honestly just start by being a legal adult, I would recommend 20+ just because from my experience, 18 still doesn’t do it. I started being a glucose babe at 16 and I can tell you, it absolutely ruined the way I view my interpersonal relationships, it set me back in terms of emotional growth so 10/10 I would say: live your life as a teen/young adult, get to know yourself and what you want out of relationships, both romantic and platonic.

Make sure you are mentally stable. People often tend to get into sugary arrangements in moments that are challenging in various ways and I can tell you, it fucks you up. Making sure you’re at peace with yourself and your environment is most likely going to land you a greater arrangement. On the same mental health note, when arranging your sugary stuff, either make sure some of the money or part of the arrangement is to land you a nice therapist. Being a glucose baby is after all, a play into power dynamics and they can get ugly in no time, we are responsible only for our actions and our thoughts, and not everyone outside of ourselves is going to be mindful of that (aside from that, there’s often an age gap regardless of you being already an adult and you should be able to have someone to keep you in line of your own age group developmental processes that you’re prone to skip when being with someone older)

Now let’s settle something real quick, being part of an arrangement of the sorts is NOTHING like some people out there picture it to be. There’s no dilf knight in shining armour that’s handing you the world in a silver platter, chances are you won’t find a glucose guardian online, nor will you get paid just to talk to lonely people. You won’t get paid ginormous sums of money straight away, and chances are you’ll have to toughen yourself up to keep going after a few not so great encounters.

The people that do get to live what everyone portrays as the sugar baby life are people that start the lifestyle while already standing on a privileged stand. I used to lead a nice life this way for the sole fact that my family could be considered high profile. I can tell you for sure, some of my friends that ventured the lifestyle did not have the same luck as I.

Boundaries are the biggest part of these types of arrangements. Not everyone experiences this lifestyle the same way, so you need to be very precise in what you are willing to negotiate and how. Evidently, in most cases, how much you cater to providers’ wants is directly proportional to how much you’ll get in return. Low cost arrangements can get you a nice wage and a few gifts while being short term and require you not to get too involved, long term high cost arrangements can get you a car or a house. My experience was in middle to high cost arrangements, then again my thing was pretty niche and ran mostly in the bdsm community so it was pretty- specific, but that was what I felt comfortable with and worked with me having a life outside of said arrangements.

There’s more technical stuff around these arrangements that you need to be aware of before you try and get involved, most of them having to do with financial assessment and legal advice because you really don’t want to get in trouble in that regard (been there, done that)

All in all, my main advice would be, don’t get yourself through so much trouble, if you’d like to get cute things and an allowance, look for a nice partner that is willing to provide for you. Get your feelings involved, have a nice cute relationship. Glucose babe-ing is basically a work and as everything is, it’s fleeting, you may then find yourself unemployed and end up like me, after 5 years of it being the centre of my day to day life- it’s not something I can put on my CV as ‘professional experience’ 🤪

[leahseclipse]

It’s always colder on your own

Pairing: Spencer Reid x Reader

Category: Angst/ comfort

Warnings: SPOILERS OF S2 EP15-18, mentions of addiction, murder, kidnapping, rape (just in a sentence), drugs, traumatic experience, usual cm stuff

Summary: Old memories haunt the BAU's genius when a case involving addiction is handled by the team.

Requested by @imagining-in-the-margins​ ; based on this request:

Hurt/Comfort where there is a case involving addiction and the following happens: 

Reader: Are you alright? 

Spencer: Hm? Oh. Yeah, I-I'm fine. 

Reader: Okay. 

Reader: You know it's okay if you're not, right? 

Spencer: What? 

Reader: It's okay if you're not okay.

A/N: Its aaaaaaa I'm writing another request for imagining-in-the-margins— that's wowie- 

Oh and btw, for the mentions of the verse of the bible; I did some research about it based on the ones that Spencer recited, so I'm sorry if I accidentally made some mistakes, I unfortunately don't know much about it ^^

A/N (2); At some point of the story, when you’ll see text then [...] and text again, the “[...]” is the parts Spencer haven’t been listening to, he was distracted.

I hope you will like it, i tried lmaoo

Word count: 4.8k

__________________

It's just a little bit lonely in this home, it's always colder on your own, my darling I, I let the seasons change my mind. — Ricky Montgomery, This December

__________________

Spencer hasn’t felt that way for a long time, for way too long. 

That feeling seemed weird, but strangely familiar.

Although it had been a while since it had happened, he never really forgot about it; it stayed; buried deep inside his thoughts. 

He didn’t think that he’d have to deal with it again; well, he’s only dealing with his own problems, because it wasn’t about him this time; it was about the case, specifically, about the unsub.

Spencer had never thought the case would have turned out to be that way; it didn’t seem like it at all at first, he would have qualified it as normal- as the cases they had worked on before this one didn’t affect him personally in general- ,but none of the case the bureau works on are normal, you truly have to be mentally prepared for it because it never is normal, there always is a deeper meaning, and when the reason is discovered, it isn’t really pleasant most of the time, to the point everyone in the room had wished not to see it, but it isn’t very surprising anymore when you’ve been working there for more than ten years, you get used to it, eventually.

He wished that he could have said that he had moved on, but it never was the case, he didn’t forget these days, when he had thought that he wouldn’t make it out alive; and he almost didn’t. He had died there, probably for less than ten minutes as he didn’t suffer permanent brain damage from the lack of oxygen; but what had probably caused it was the dilaudid.

It had been injected into his veins, multiple times without his consent, for the only reason that it would make him feel better- which did not, considering what he had to go through after it happened.

He still regrets what he did after the incident; he snapped at Emily; thought of using dilaudid again: he clearly wasn’t himself, he didn’t even recognize himself whenever he was in front of a mirror.

Addiction stuff never goes away, and even though he didn’t forget, he didn’t think much about it daily, just when the subject would come up, or if he’d see or hear something that would remind him of it, but never the  thought of the matter had been that important until now. It never triggered him a lot when he thought of it, not until a case bringing it up was taken in by the team.

It had been exactly five days, four hours, and nine minutes since they had begun working on it, but if he’d be counting the time he had been working on it, it’d be less than that. He hasn’t been focusing well since the discovery of the addiction concerning the unsub had been brought up.

Why is it impacting me like that? It had never been that way before, so why did it stay since? I never brought much attention to it to the point of thinking of it non-stop. I always managed to distract myself, try to control my emotions, so why didn’t it work today? 

The only person who could- almost - make it go somehow go away was y/n. He’d look at her, and he’d be able to escape these thoughts for a moment as the only thing he thought about was her. 

Spencer could describe her as his guardian angel, he can't lie about it, she saved him.

He doesn't know what he'd be doing if she wasn't here; and now that he thinks about what happened with Hankel, he can't imagine that if he hadn't made it out alive, he wouldn't have met her, she wouldn't have met him; and the only way she could have known him was through memories, and pictures. 

Spencer would have been nothing but a frozen memory.

It sends chills to his spine whenever he thinks about it, the fact that he would have died at 25. 

He can’t keep thinking about it, as it isn’t good to remain in the past; but now he’s just stuck in them, he can’t really describe what he’s feeling, but he can definitely say that it's clearly not doing any good to his mental health; it’s ruining him.

But clearly he doesn't want to tell the others and add more problems on top of the ones they already have with the case, and eventually in their lives.

Spencer doesn’t want to feel like a burden to the others, it’s been more than 10 years since it happened and to him, he’s supposed to have left some of the tension that was crushing him, it had been supposed to at least go away, a bit, to the point it didn’t ruin his health; he doesn’t know if he should talk about it, or if he even wants to.

He knows that they’ll understand, he knows that they never judged him, and will never do it; but what if they don’t understand? He doesn’t even know why it appeared now, he doesn’t know what triggered him that much to the point of being in this state of mind. He always figures out everything, and now he can’t even solve his own problems.

Everyone says that no one knows you better than you do, but I guess that this time the ‘theory’ hasn’t proven itself to be true apparently.

Something refrains him from talking; but he doesn’t know why.

If he talks about it with y/n, it may or may not solve it, but it could release some pressure, perhaps. It’s not confirmed, but it could.

Now that he thought about it, were the thoughts that distractive to the point that he may have forgotten why he felt like that in the first place?

He remembers that stress can affect how memories are formed. When stressed, people have a more difficult time creating short-term memories and turning those short-term memories into long-term memories, meaning that it is more difficult to learn when stressed.

It could have been that, but how? He doesn’t forget stuff. 

He never does.

But, now that he thinks about it, is he looking at a reason when it is only right in front of his eyes? When it could only be his brain that reacted when the subject came up?

Spencer always figures out stuff, even what’s going on in his own mind; 

So why does he feel like he can’t do anything? 

Anything but watch himself sink down.

Is he trying to avoid it, doesn’t he want to solve it, or is he too afraid to face the truth?

Well, a part of him doesn't want to admit it, he could say that.

He doesn't want to face it, he doesn’t want to plunge the knife deeper than it already is. He doesn’t know, or can’t talk about it because he doesn’t know if he’ll be able to explain , make the person he’s talking to understand his feelings, or even manage to get the courage to talk about it, to not get stuck in a middle of sentence because he suddenly freaks out, or doesn’t know what to tell anymore.

He hoped that it’ll get better. 

It could;

Or it couldn’t.

He’ll try to think about it later. It already was late enough, he wouldn’t get much sleep, so he’d better go now.

Spencer made his way to the entrance of the hotel room he shared with y/n, wondering if she still was awake; as she liked to go over the cases sometimes before going to sleep; but she wasn’t this time, she was laying on her side, the white blanket on top of her legs.

He made his way in the room, carefully closing the door not to wake her up; as she must have been drained of all the energy after the long day they’ve had;

He understands her, it really is exhausting, especially when the case goes nowhere. They didn’t manage to get much today, except...the addiction stuff.

Spencer would have normally felt relieved to have found a lead, even the smallest, but that lead wasn’t the one he would have wanted to find. He did want to find something else, but they weren’t appropriate thoughts, you can’t wish to find out he was a rapist or a murderer either.

Either it’s addiction, murder, kidnapping or rape stuff, neither is acceptable to wish for it to happen instead of what happened.

Neither.

He wishes he could erase it from his mind, at least, not remember it fully; but with that eidetic memory of his, that isn’t possible.

His eidetic memory is a blessing and a curse at the same time.

The curse part of it isn’t the best, it even describes itself by the definition of curse.

It always makes you remember the memories you certainly don't want to think about; and for Spencer, it’s literally his whole life, so he does want to not have it anymore most of the time because of that.

Unfortunately, that isn’t possible either.

If only it could, that’d allow him to rest better, especially now.

He made his way to the bed to the side next to the window; y/n had remembered that Spencer preferred to be on the side of the window. 

Gosh, he loves her for that.

It’s a small detail, but still, he appreciated it that she thought of it.

Thinking about her, he wonders if she did notice or not; because even though they don’t profile each other, y/n always tries to make sure he’s okay without pressuring him. 

So, if she did notice that time, she may not be talking about it because she possibly wasn’t sure whether he would react well or not; she knows that it’s a sensitive subject, and she didn’t want to trigger him or be in bad terms, but only if she knew that he wouldn’t ever do that.

He couldn’t yell at her, she’s the reason he’s here, the reason he stayed for. If he knew that five years after his arrival she’d enter the bureau, he would have fought every single day to survive and meet her, especially when he was with Hankel. He wouldn’t have given it up if it was for her.

He appreciated the team too, they were a second family to him; but he also would have liked to have the love of his life to fight for that day.

Spencer was relieved that she had arrived a year after it happened, he wouldn’t have wanted her to see him like that, he knew that she couldn’t have managed to think about anything, her mind would be fuzzy, she wouldn’t have managed to separate the right thoughts from the bad ones. He would have been relieved that it didn’t happen in front of her eyes, not the actual thing. 

He wouldn’t have preferred that to happen at all, considering the problems that it caused after it, and still from that day. He still thinks that it was his fault, even if the team made him know it wasn’t at all; but he shouldn’t have split up.

Both JJ and him could have died; JJ could have been badly hurt because of the dogs, if they attacked her, and spencer could have died there if Tobias or whatever it was, didn’t chose to try to resuscitate him; if he would have made him go in his own grave he had dig, or if he has shot before he managed to get his gun to shoot him in the chest.

He still remembers the look on his face.

Even if he didn’t have an eidetic memory, he probably wouldn’t have forgotten it. It terrified him.

He had shot him before hankel managed to, and he fell to the floor, as Spencer kneeled beside him, looking at his terrified and disturbed eyes.

“You killed him."

“Tobias?” He asked, as he noticed the brightness of the flashlights from his peripheral view; and heard the distant voices, probably calling his name. He didn’t pay much attention, from the state and mindset, and his mind being...well, trying to focus on the man in front of him.

“Do you think I’ll get to see my mom again?” he slightly raised his voice, looking at Spencer. 

“I’m sorry.” Spencer had admitted.

And that was the last words he had probably heard, before his eyes froze as life left his body; his chest rising a final time, as his last breath dissolved itself in the cold air.

It wasn’t until several people had gathered around the area, Hotch lowering himself to Reid’s level in order to pick him up.

A feeling of relief had washed itself over him, he hadn’t realised that his living nightmare had- now that he thought about it- somehow came to an end.

He didn’t think he’d do it once, but he had hugged hotch; as Hotch gave him a pat after he had wrapped his arms around his upper back.

He had understood what he had said when Hankel had asked him who he’d chose to kill, after he had chose Hotch,

"He’s a classic narcissist; he thinks he’s better than everyone else on the team.

Genesis 23:4; let him not deceive himself and trust in vanity, emptiness, falseness, and futility, for these shall be his recompense.

When he had said this; he had messed up on purpose; his memory didn't fail him; he had recited the verse 'job 15:31', not genesis 23:4. He had hoped for them to understand the "mistake" he had done, hoping that one of them would know the real verse.

I am a stranger and a sojourner with you. Give me property, forbear a place among you that I may bury my dead out of my sight “

Something had probably clicked in their minds, allowing them to discover the location Reid was at, or close to.

After that, he had gone to hug JJ, who had begun stepping towards him; before breaking the embrace as he reassured her that it wasn’t her fault after she had apologized.

That’s when he thinks that he messed up, what caused him to struggle even more. 

He had asked for a moment, to be alone; and shortly stepped towards Tobias’s cold, lifeless body, reaching out for his pocket to take the two dilaudid vials; shoving them in his pocket in a single move- possibly to not draw attention by taking his time if they were watching him-, before standing up, crossing his arms, each in the crook of the other.

He won’t lie to himself, the next days weren’t the best he had; the wound was fresh, so obviously he wasn’t in his right mind; he kept-

Spencer. 

Stop.

You’ve done enough damage to yourself.

He had put his hand on his forehead, before crashing on the bed, close to y/n to feel her warmth; hoping it could allow him to put his mind to rest.

Don’t think about it.

Just stop. It’ll be by constantly thinking about it that it’ll keep ruining you.

Spencer thought that it could- in a way- stop it, he didn’t really know what to do and think about at his point.

He closed his eyes, in an attempt to finish the rest of the night calmly.

-------

Spencer had woken up surprisingly early, way before the usual hour they'd go to work. 

The night wasn't awesome, but okay...ish.

He had taken a lot of time trying to get his thoughts away from his head, but when you're alone, the task isn't easy.

It's you, and your thoughts. 

Nothing else.

There wasn't anything to distract him as y/n was asleep; he wasn't going to wake her at 4am because he couldn't sleep, you certainly don't wake up someone for that.

He had woken up by exactly 5:45, not bothering to look at the window as he knew daylight wouldn't come at this time of the day, more around 7.

Obviously, he hadn't forgotten last night's subject, as much as he wished he could have.

But you know...eidetic memory stuff again.

As he looked as y/n lying next to him; Spencer had noticed that she hadn't apparently woken up yet; she was on her side, her face facing his. 

He had wondered if she managed to get a good night of sleep; she'd often get stressed because of the case, and as the case had contained something she knew concerned Spencer -in a way-, she must have been stressing about it.

She always put others before herself, if one of her friends wasn't feeling well, she'd abandon the activity she was up to, and focus on the person; no matter what, even if it meant staying for two hours to listen and help the one she was talking to.

She was amazingly caring.

Too caring to the point that Spencer would ask himself if he ever deserved her: he wouldn’t have thought that he’ll ever meet a person like that, acting so nicely with him, plus interested in a relationship, that is now going on for two years; that was...unimaginable. 

He liked being with her, a lot. She was a bit shorter than him, so he’d find it cute whenever she’d struggle reaching the top shelf; he didn’t know why he’d find it so cute: but it was like that. He’d go to help her, even if she wouldn’t ask, he’d do everything to make her happy, he’d never been in a relationship before her, so he didn’t really quite know what to do not to make her uncomfortable, not loved; he was so awkward and wouldn’t stop rambling or stuttering whenever he’d see y/n.  

But she never saw him this way. She saw him as a normal person, talked to him as she would to the rest of the team; and would often come to talk, even if she didn’t have a reason to. She apparently wanted to hear Spencer rambling about facts, or answer some of the questions she had; and it never bothered him, she could have come for anything, even if it was just to say hello or ask him to take a paper she had faxed. 

As long as he could see her, hear her voice, as long as she would be near him, it would be okay. 

He had hoped for a while to be more than just friends, but the introverted side he had made him keep his feelings stuck inside, with no possibility to let them go out as he didn’t even have the courage to. That decision would have been something he would have regretted for a while if Ihedidn’t choose to say it that day at the bureau.

Well, It all was in the moment, it wasn’t intentional, not at all, it slipped out, and he regretted it at first, as his first thought was her rejection due to her non-shared feelings towards him. 

“Hey Reid, you ready today? We don’t have any case for now, but we still have the paperwork from last day.”

“Oh- you’re talking to me? Sorry I- I thought of something. Could you repeat?”

“You? Distracted ? That isn’t surprising.”

“It’s rare, i’m paying attention most of the time.”

“Well you didn’t this time genius. Do you have a reason to defend yourself?” She said, in a playful tone.

“You.”

“...what?”

“I- I just, uh...it’s been a while since I wanted to tell uh…”

“...wanted to tell what?”

“That I- appreciate you; but not only in a…friendly way, it’s more than that. If you...get it. I...god, I’m probably making you feel uncomfortable right now.”

“Wait, you’re serious about this?”

“I’ve never been more serious than now.” Spencer said, not even stuttering, proving how serious he was in this moment.

“Then I feel the same, if that can answer your questions,.”

And that is how they began dating; with only eleven words; she had relieved him. He had been washed of all of his fears, now replaced with comforting thoughts. 

He had never forgotten this sentence. If he didn't have an eidetic memory, he would have immediately grabbed a post-it not to forget it.

The tiniest things that had set their relationship had been the biggest ones that he cherishes the most.

Spencer likes her so much that he's always afraid to lose her whenever they're on a case; he always has to go with her.. Although she always was with the others, he couldn't let anything happen to her without being able to be here to protect her.

She doesn't want her to see him getting hurt either; even though she insists to be with him; it's funny; the fact that they want to protect each other all the time.

But now, he did want to protect her, he didn't want her to worry about problems she has yet to worry about. 

We have enough problems.

I don't need to add more.

It won't do any good.

I'll solve it on my own.

Spencer crossed the door; as a group of officers and the team standing in the middle were. Hotch was walking through the room enunciating the profile of the unsub they were looking for, after managing to have enough information to form one.

Each word, each characteristic, would, or not, lead to the matter that had filled him for a week; he had tried for multiple times not to let the case reach him, it rarely did, and in that case, as it was mentioning a sensible matter, it wasn’t the most pleasant week at work, not really the kind of week he had imagine he’d had; especially not a one including a heavy mention of addiction with drugs that the victims had, and possibly the unsub as he knew specific types, and how to dose them enough to give a fatal dose. He either used them personally, or simply had knowledge of them: this fact couldn’t be confirmed yet.

“The unsub we’re looking for is most possibly a white male in his 30-40s, he [...] a stable situation, based on the frequency of the attacks, most of them being within working hours, and for a [...], killing people that don’t correspond to the type of victims he does his usual m.o; he’s perturbed, he knows people [...] ease in public, and probably may feel easily threatened and perturbed if someone [...], subjects that may trigger traumatism, causing him to become dangerous, and harm fatally other people if not controlled-”

Spencer hadn’t even listened to half of what he had just said, what he had been thinking about was taking more place in his mind than any other case would whenever he’d work to analyze it.

He had let himself get distracted, not daring to pay attention to his surroundings, to the point he hadn’t even seen y/n standing next to him, a worried expression plastered on her face. 

Is it that obvious?

Is it obvious to the point she could notice it without profiling me? Or has she…?

“Spence, I think that we should head out for a moment.” She quietly said, grabbing the sleeve of his cardigan. “You don’t look okay. Are you alright?”

Am I?

“Uh...yeah, I-I’m doing fine, just a bit tired.”

“Everyone is, but I can clearly see it isn’t the same type.” She tightened her grip on his sleeve, pulling him out of the room.

After she had managed to find an empty room, y/n had opened it, pulling Spencer inside as she closed the door, before closing the blinds that could allow someone from the exterior to see the room. She had noticed the lock on the door, not hesitating to pull it towards the right to lock the room. 

She looked at him, eyes tearing up. She placed a word before he had even gotten to.

“Spence, you know that...it’s okay if you’re...not okay, right?” She asked, hesitant.

“What...what do you mean?”

“You can tell me, it’s okay if you’re not okay. There is, no shame, to not be.” She said, as she sat on the seat next to her, Spencer following her action a second later. “..since when is it bothering you?” She placed a hand on his, rubbing circles with her thumb.

“When we...found out about the addiction matter, not long after we began working on the case. I don’t know why I stayed stuck on this.”

“Why didn’t you talk about it? If you had preferred to talk to someone else, I wouldn’t have been mad if you had gone to JJ, I know you guys have always been close.”

“I just thought that...I would bother everyone by adding my problems on top of the ones we already have. And I...didn’t know how to explain it.”

“And you didn’t want me to worry, right?” She asked, as he nodded. “I know that I worry about anything, but if it was about that, you know that I would have listened, and did my best to help, even though I wasn’t here when it had occurred. But I want you to know that I’m not mad about the fact you didn’t talk about it; I understand you.”

“I know you do. But, I was afraid you wouldn’t get it, or overstress because of it, because god knows that you stress about the tiniest thing,” He joked, earning a small chuckle from y/n. “But I just...kept thinking about it. The more I’d tell myself to stop thinking about it, the more it’d stay. I didn’t tell you everything about it, you just know about the livestream, and what the team had seen; and I...you know the next part, I had a problem with dilaudid; I had attempted to drug myself again, in the bathroom of an office, not long after. If Hotch hadn’t called me, I think that I would have done it.” 

“But you didn’t, you managed to get the strength to stop. And you still have it now. We’re also here to give you the strength you need, support, whatever includes helping you. We’ve always been here, it won’t ever change. And even if we have a case, we’ll find a minute to talk with you. You never, but never, bothered us.”

“You sure…?”

“Absolutely. So here’s what we’re gonna do, we’re going to go back to the room; and go through the case. I would have wished that I could tell you to completely stop working, but we have to catch him before he does more damage. But after it’s done, we’ll get back home; talk about it, stay together, whatever could make you feel better. Because it’s okay to ask for help when you really think you need it, there’s no shame. I know that it’s complicated for you to talk about your problems in general, but if you feel like you need to talk to someone, we’ll be there, all of us.”

“Yeah, I know. But, I feel like how I felt a few days after it happened, when I was in the room with him, every single word, what he did to me, and...when I shot him. I still can’t erase the look he had on his face; I just…” He inhaled, wiping a stray tear from his eye. He wasn’t the type to get emotional in front of other people, but when he was with y/n, it didn’t matter. “I...still think that I shouldn’t have split up with JJ, she could have gotten killed by these dogs if she didn’t have ammo. I still think that it’s all my fault.”

“It’s not Spencer. I know you still feel guilty, she felt guilty as well too when you got abducted; and even though I know you can’t erase what happened, everything is over, both of you are safe. I’m not a good talker, I know, but, to resume, I’m gonna help you with what you’re going through, you’re not alone. You’ll even take a week off if you need one, your health comes first; okay?” 

“Yeah. Okay.”

“Do you think you can go back, or do you need to go outside for a bit?”

“No, It’s ok, I can go back.”

“Okay, let’s go then.” She said, as she took his hand, their fingers interlocking: as Spencer felt the warmth of her hand against his skin. 

He liked feeling her warmth, it really was comforting, and would- somehow - chase the nightmares away, for a bit. 

He doesn’t believe that the pain will go away, his addiction problem never went away, even though he didn’t use any drugs anymore.

It won’t ever go fully, it’ll always stay, deep inside. 

But hopefully, her presence can possibly make it go away, make him forget, at least for while, 

So it won’t always be colder on his own.

__________________

Tags: @writing-in-april​ ; 

[pluviophile-bookworm]

Understanding and acceptance: a short story consisting of things that actually happened

[A/N: I was on the phone with my mum and she told me that I seem to be in a creative mood and that I should write something. I decided to kill two birds with one stone and share a personal story while also writing it as if it’s fiction. So here goes.]

Word count: 2K

-- 2 weeks ago --

It’s a quiet Saturday evening. My brother Max and I are walking home together, deep in conversation. I have no memory of what the conversation had been about when it started, but I do remember that it somehow got to this:

‘...all this assuming you’re straight, of course, and I’m not assuming anything--’

‘What does being straight mean?’ Max says in a tone that tells me he genuinely doesn’t know. So I feel obligated to explain it in the simplest terms possible. ‘Well, in your case it would mean that you, a boy, like girls.’

‘Well, that’s the normal thing for any person!’ He nearly cuts me off with this. I calculate my next step carefully.

‘Not every person,’ I say, keeping my voice as calm as possible. ‘I’m not straight.’ Of course, he knows that. I came out to my whole family at once three years ago, hoping for the awkward discussions to be over with that. It hasn’t worked out quite as I envisioned it yet.

‘Yeah, but you’re not normal either,’ Max parries. Can’t argue with that. Lucky for me, that is when we reach the front door and each one goes off to mind their own business.

I know very well just how ‘not normal’ I am. Not in that cliche ‘I’m not like other girls’ way, but in a way that causes Bulgarians undereducated on mental health and identity labels (which is unfortunately most people over 30) to brand a person clinically insane, unstable, a threat to the Traditional Bulgarian Family™. Being aroace and having severe social anxiety and ADHD to top it off, I hardly classify as ‘normal’. This is a frequent cause for arguments at the dinner table at home, most of which end in a. tears and/ or a panic attack on my part, b. my father storming off and pretending to be asleep whenever someone goes to call him back to dinner, c. my brother gluing himself to his phone, leaving his plate half-untouched, d. my mother crying over ‘what kind of mother am I that I can’t even have my family together at the table once’, and usually e. all of the above. 

For this scenario to play out, however, the whole family of four is required to be present. So fortunately it only happens every other weekend when Dad and I come back home from the capital, where we have been living for the better part of three years now, ever since he got promoted and I started uni. When I’m away from my loving but over-controlling mum and my brother, who seemed to become obnoxious overnight the moment he turned 13 a little over a year ago, I usually have significantly fewer reasons to cry or feel anxious about... you name it. So we do fine. For the most part.

-- this evening --

I am watching Joe and Frankie’s performance of A Whole New World for the thousandth time today when I get a text from Mum.

Mum: How’s my girl doing?

Mum: I haven’t been able to hear from you with all the fuss about your brother.

Max is at that point in his education where he’s applying for high schools. His exam results have just come in and now everyone in the family is stressing about whether his scores will be enough to get him into the school he wants to go to. It’s a big deal, but with all the Rodfini magic going on (and with how terribly behind I am on my internship assignment) I have just been completely unable to care.

Speaking of Rodfini and A Whole New World, I have been repressing the instinctive urge to send my mum the video all day, and when I get her texts, I almost nearly muster up the courage to do it. But between me and her, this is not something you do over text. So I give her a ring instead. 

When she picks up, the sound of her voice combined with the anxiety over what I want to tell her makes me tear up and the words are stuck in my throat. 

‘Erm-- Mum, can I tell you something?’ I say, still not sure if I’m not about to regret taking up the subject at all.

‘Dear, you know you can tell me anything,’ she says, sounding concerned at my obviously-trying-to-swallow-tears voice.

‘You mean it?’ I ask, listening to her tone to make sure. I wish I could read tones better. ��Anything?’

‘Is something wrong, honey?’ Oh gods, she’s in a really benevolent mood. I grow more and more afraid of ruining that with my ‘obsession with gays’. 

‘Erm, so I guess you should know Dad and I had the tiniest disagreement just now,’ I say, deciding last minute to start with something she might deem ‘more relevant to the family’s personal lives’. ‘You know, we were watching the Euros and then the match ended and we watched the news, and then Dad changed the channel so he could watch the next match. And I was like ‘whoa, what’s with the video quality’, and so dad was like ‘you really need go get your eyes checked out’; and I tried to explain that there was a very obvious difference in quality between the two channels, and he kept yelling at me that I was ruining my eyesight spending all day staring at a screen.’

‘Did he sound annoyed or just concerned?’ Mum asks me.

‘I know what you’re thinking. And I know full well that he’s my parent and he’s concerned about my health. But you should have heard his tone.’

‘So are you two in a fight now?’

‘No. Well, I don’t know.’ I really don’t. It’s hard to tell when one side of the argument refuses to talk about his feelings as if that will kill him. But I don’t tell Mum that. She’s been dealing with Dad since long before I was even planned, so she knows him better than I do. ‘The thing is, he called me back and said that, well, one of the channels was HD and the other was not, so there was indeed a difference, but he thought it was ‘unnatural’ that I was able to register it so immediately, and he kept insisting there was something wrong with my eyes. I should think that seeing something quickly would be a sign of good vision, not bad. Besides,’ I keep talking, nearly  desperate to justify myself, ‘I did some research and sensitivity to light is a symptom of ADHD. So it’s nothing new, really.’

‘Oh, please, dear. You’re of a new generation, and ADHD is something of the older generation. Don’t be so quick to self-diagnose.’

I guess there’s some reason to what she says, or at least the last part of it, so I give up on pursuing the subject further. ‘Yeah, anyway,’ I say, ‘I just thought it was all a bit rich coming from the man who refuses to wear his prescription glasses. I haven’t got any prescription glasses, you know.’

I don’t want to come off too cheeky because I still want to try and talk to her about how happy Rodfini have made me today. A while ago, Mum would accuse me of only calling her to complain when I was unhappy, so I have since made it a point to call her when I am happy and tell her so. That’s why I’ve been itching to share this with her. And now the time has come.

‘You know, I’ve been crying in a completely different way today,’ I begin tentatively. ‘A good way, A really, really good way,’ I add quickly before she can get worried again.

‘Yeah? So what was it that made you so happy that you cried?’ Goodness, there’s no turning back now. I decide to proceed with caution.

‘Oh, well, it was this performance, you know. A really beautiful song. So I’ve been wanting to show it to you, but I was worried about how you’d react.’

‘And why would that be?’ she asks in the same kind tone that keeps making me anxious about potentially ruining everything.

‘Well, erm...’ I feel myself start to stutter. ‘See, it’s a love song, and it’s... ok, I’ll just say it. It’s sung by two guys. As in, a couple, you see.’ I keep feeling up the ground with my words, anxious to hear her reaction. It’s like when I’m opening an exam result -- I want to know, but I’m too scared to look. And so now, in my anxious despair to know what she thinks about it, I miss the beginning of her response. ‘And I know how you are about those things, so I...’ I genuinely don’t know what to say. I’ve done my thing again. I’ve kept talking so much that she hasn’t even been able to react audibly. So I trail off, determined to let her speak this time.

‘Ok, but... why do you get so affected by those things?’ Mum says, starting to sound suspiciously like she’s about to question my own orientation again. I feel the need to justify myself for the second time since the conversation has started.

‘Well, it’s just that... I really wish you would just see them, Mum. If you could just see how they look at each other, you’d see that there’s just love. So much love. And joy at being able to express themselves as they are.’

I’m speaking from the heart now. I am finally letting out how much I want her to give them a chance because she deserves to see and hear their magical performance. She must be sensing the anguished sincerity in my voice as I finally manage to stop crying and I smile through the tears, because she says, ‘Dear, are you... are you trying to tell me something there?’

I sigh. She’s asked me this question nearly every time I’ve started speaking ‘too’ passionately about anything LGBTQ+ Which isn’t an awful lot in her presence, but there have been several occasions. Once about Solangelo, at the beach. Once about NPH and his husband David and their children, at the dinner table, as I was trying to explain how same-sex couples can have kids; that one resulted in a seriously bad scene of the type I described earlier. Once about a participant in a reality show who identified as a gay man then, but has recently come out as a trans woman; whenever she’s been mentioned on television, I’ve fought to repress my inner urge to express my happiness for her and the representation she is for the Bulgarian LGBTQ+ community. I wonder even now if my parents have noticed my silence on the subject -- because they certainly do notice when I am not silent.

So now, when the time seems to have come for me to set things straight about my non-straight-ness (bad pun very much intended), I try my best to keep my voice from shaking. ‘I’m not trying to tell you anything I haven’t already told you, Mum. Really.’

‘Are you perhaps attracted to the same gender, dear?’ It seems so unbelievable that she’s said it, and even more that she’s worded like that, but she really has. I force myself to be calm and patient.

‘No, Mum. I’ve told you -- I am not attracted to any gender, be it male, female or anything else, really. You know that.’

‘Well, it sounded as if you--’

‘No, Mum. Really. But I do need you to understand that part of my identity is that I feel the need to support people with other identities different from straight. I’m happy for their successes. I'm concerned about their issues. They’re a sort of family to me. Do you understand that?’ I say, relieved to be speaking my truth at last. At the same time, I try to sound as reasonable and mature about the whole thing as possible. I don’t want to put her off, especially not now that I’m knee-deep in the subject already. I’ve gone too far to turn back now.

‘Yes, honey. Yes, I do. I just don’t want you to exert yourself emotionally, is all. Plus I’ve been so stressed out about your brother and all, you know...’

‘Yeah, I do know. And I know he’ll be fine. He’s a nice boy. I just wished he didn’t keep calling me ‘abnormal’ all the time...’

‘Oh, well, don’t listen to him. He’s been quite stressed out too. And he’s 14. It’s just how he is at this age.’

I’m not too sure about that. ‘Boys will be boys’. It’s ok for boys, then, to pour salt into their neurodivergent sisters’ wounds? I don’t think so. But I can’t fix every problem in one talk. Plus my mum sounds tired now.

So I just say, ‘I guess... Well, anyway, thank you so much, Mum. For hearing me out, and for supporting me, and for everything else. Please don’t worry so much.’

But I know she can’t not worry at all. I’ve got that from her.

‘If you’re sure you’re all ok now, dear...’

‘Yeah, mum, I am. Or I will be. You know, there’s this expression with English, ‘to run with something’. So I’ve been telling myself, I’ll at least try to walk with things. You know I’m not much of a runner anyway.’ I actually laugh, even though the pun is quite untranslatable into Bulgarian.

‘You know I’m proud of you, right?’

I know that has very little to do with the kind of pride I’ve been celebrating all month, but I say, ‘Of course I do. And you know what? I’m quite proud of myself, too.’ I can’t believe I’m saying it, but I mean it. I mean it wholeheartedly this time.

‘I’m nearly falling asleep, though, dear, so I say we call it a night?’

‘Good night, Mummy. And thanks.’

I hang up. Then I forward the video to her.

I’ve come so far, indeed. I reckon we both have.

[missmentelle]

Would you say it's the same thing for ADHD? I was diagnosed as having 'traits of adhd' a few years back and always assumed it was more a reflection of the fact that i was diagnosed by a med student not being supervised who made some significant errors in the way she tested me as well as omitting what I thought were some significant observations from her writeup, but I've been wondering lately whether I am actually ADHD or not

It’s the same for all disorders - if a diagnosing professional wrote down on a psychology report that you have “traits of” a mental disorder, it means that they felt you did not meet the criteria for a full diagnosis at that time, most likely for one of five reasons:

You didn’t have enough symptoms to meet the minimum required for the diagnosis, or you were missing a key symptom that is required to make that diagnosis.

Your symptoms are not severe enough to warrant a diagnosis; they do not cause significant disruption or impairment in your daily life. 

Your symptoms only occur in one specific context (eg. you have symptoms at school, but not at home, work or with friends), or your symptoms are a side effect of medication or intoxication. 

Your symptoms have not been going on long enough to meet the criteria for the diagnosis, they don’t occur frequently enough to make the diagnosis, you have long symptom-free periods that negate the diagnosis, or your symptoms did not appear at an age consistent with the onset of that diagnosis.

You sort of meet the criteria for the diagnosis, but there is a different diagnosis that does a much better job of explaining your symptoms (this is sometimes listed as a “differential diagnosis”, rather than “traits of X”).

A report stating that a person has “traits of” a certain disorder or “features of” a disorder is actually extremely common. I’ve probably read more than thousand psych reports at this point in my career, and it’s quite normal for phrasing like that to appear on them. Usually, this is actually a sign that the person is being rather thorough - they are noting that they considered ADHD as a possible diagnosis but ultimately could not make the diagnosis for some reason or other. As I said, other reports may format this differently, and include a list of “differential diagnoses” in the conclusion - this is a list of diagnoses that they considered but ultimately ruled out for one reason or another. 

Unfortunately, learning that you have “traits” of a disorder doesn’t really tell us much, especially without seeing the full psych report. Maybe you didn’t have ADHD then, but you have since developed it. Maybe you don’t have it and never did. Maybe you have some other sort of executive dysfunction or disorder that explains your symptoms, but it was missed the last time around. Maybe a diagnosis of ADHD was warranted back then, and still is. Maybe you only have ADHD symptoms in a specific context, which would make you ineligible for diagnosis but suggests there is something going on that needs to be addressed. I don’t know enough about your case to know for sure. All that I know is that the only way to be sure if you have ADHD - or any other mental disorder that you may be concerned about - is to seek a second opinion and get another assessment done. 

(I’m going to give some clarification about what having “traits of” a disorder means for other readers who may have similar questions. You should know, though, that ADHD is actually slightly different than other disorders like BPD that you may have “traits of” - ADHD is a neurological condition that responds to medication, and if you are given ADHD medication when you don’t actually have ADHD, you are going to notice pretty quickly that you’ve been misdiagnosed. If you calm down and get more sleep while taking what is effectively speed, you can be pretty sure that ADHD is the correct diagnosis for you. People with other disorders like depression, agoraphobia, PTSD and BPD don’t have the same kind of litmus test available for their diagnosis.)

It’s important to remember that everyone has traits of at least one diagnosable disorder - most people will have traits of several. Some people are more easily distractible than others, some people have more trouble sleeping, some people are naturally low-energy or feel more intense emotions. If you browse through a copy of the DSM-V, you are going to find some stuff in there that sounds like it applies to you. Nobody has perfect mental health, especially in their teens and early 20s. But most people do not meet the criteria for the diagnosis of a mental disorder.

This is where we have to think critically about what a diagnosis actually is, why we do it, and what it actually means. Diagnosing a psychological disorder is not like diagnosing a medical disorder, where we can do some blood tests and scans and know exactly what a person has. Psychological diagnoses are always subjective, to some extent - we made categories to describe common clusters of behaviours and symptoms, and we decided where to draw the line between “someone who is just quirky” and “someone who needs formal psychological treatment”. Where exactly we draw that line has always been the subject of debate. 

We could make it so that everyone who has any sort of mental health flaw at all gets diagnosed with a disorder, but that sort of defeats the point of diagnosis - if almost everyone on earth has a diagnosis, then a diagnosis effectively becomes meaningless. There’s no longer meaningful distinction between “someone with an overactive imagination” and “someone with treatment-resistant psychosis” - it all just gets slapped with the same diagnosis. It can also lead us to “medicalize” behaviours that might not need to be “medicalized”. After all, if we diagnose someone, we need to do something about that diagnosis. Diagnosing them means we’ve identified that they need some sort of treatment or intervention. But do all quirks in human behavior really need to be ironed out with treatment? Do we really want to build a world where everyone who falls outside a very rigid definition of mental health gets told that they have something wrong with them? Likewise, if we make diagnosis too restrictive, that’s not good either. Now we have the opposite problem - if we make the criteria for a diagnosis too strict and too narrow, we miss people who might seriously benefit from having treatment. If we say “you need to be severely suicidal before we can diagnose you with depression”, we’re going to overlook a lot of non-suicidal people whose depressive symptoms are ruining their lives, and who could be treated if we just recognized them as depressed. If we are only diagnosing and helping the most severe of the severe cases, we aren’t really making good use of the tools available to us and diagnosis once again becomes basically meaningless, because not having one is no longer a good indicator of whether or not you need help. 

Diagnosis is a balancing act, and there are a lot of people who fall in kind of a grey area where it’s not totally clear if we should be diagnosing them or not. People are complicated, and they rarely fit neatly into categories. If we have a twenty-year-old girl who experiments with drugs, has a lot of short-term and casual dating relationships that end poorly, struggles to make and keep friends, and doesn’t really have a stable sense of who she is and what she wants, does she have BPD? Or is she just a normal 20-year-old? How would we decide? If we diagnose her, we might be pathologizing behaviour that isn’t really all that unusual for her age group, and making her feel like she’s defective for struggling with things that are pretty normal for someone her age to be struggling with; diagnosing her could make her believe that she’s incapable of healthy relationships, which could become a self-fulfilling prophecy. On the other hand, if we don’t diagnose her, we could be missing the fact that she does actually have a fairly serious disorder, and depriving her of the chance to get life-changing treatment that might help her develop the healthier, more fulfilling relationships that she has been missing out on. We could be leaving her to deal with her destructive behaviours on her own, without having any of the language or tools she needs to disrupt those patterns. 

If you’ve been assessed by a mental health professional and you have questions about how they reached the conclusions they did, I encourage you to ask questions and have an open conversation about your symptoms, possible treatments and needs. If you don’t feel that they have a good understanding of your case, I highly encourage you to get a second opinion on your diagnosis from another professional. Whenever possible, seek a diagnosis from someone who specializes in mental health - this should be a psychologist or psychiatrist (or in some cases, a neurologist), and not a general practitioner or family doctor (some family doctors can diagnose and treat basic depression, but even then, you should seek a referral to a specialist for further treatment and assessment). Also remember that diagnosis does not have to be a barrier to seeking therapy - anyone can get therapy, even if they do not meet the criteria for a psychological diagnosis, and everyone can benefit from seeking out a therapist to improve their coping skills, social skills, and general mental health.  Hope this answers your question! MM

[a-trying-writer]

[the story of no-no II. gdi, ive been dealing with writer’s block, so i basiclaly churned this out from an idea that i struggled with writing. so im sorry about how badly paced and written it is, it just feels as if i had to do this in a very basic approach compared to before, but never was content with. so yeah. ugh. i just want to wriiiite again!]

“From what I’ve been told, nothing is wrong with you physically,” said a doctor that picked me from the rest of my villagers. “However, you’re a curious case mentally speaking.”

I stared at her in silence, unsure on what to say. I also took that time to notice how striking her features are, from her strong shaped jaw, to her dark brown almond eyes, fair skin, and long black hair, kept in a ponytail. Despite how short the chair she had was, her posture was straight, making her shoulders seem rather broad. I suppose it was the pads underneath her long coat -- a common garb that doctors often wear, no matter their actual occupation, be it scientific or medical.

Her lips curled into a smile, but I couldn’t help but notice how they didn’t reach her eyes. “You don’t have to say anything, Mx. No-No. To be quite honest with you, your case is why I wanted to speak to you alone.” The doctor’s eyes darted around my room, perhaps taking in what little I had in here.

It’s strange, but for once, I felt as if my privacy was being invaded. I couldn’t help but frown at that, even though she couldn’t see my expression through my mask.

A soft, brief laugh escaped from her when she laid her eyes on me again. “The Elder told me a bit about your history. That you arrived to the village as a child with no parents. You never spoke to anyone, not even children your own age, for a few years, until you made a... well, let’s say ‘friend’, though I assume that word is not the exact definition to describe your relationship with this person. Anyway, since he was persistent in trying to get to know you, you decided enough was enough at one point, and shouted at him. Since that moment, the villagers noticed that not only could you actually speak, but that you were rather emotionally distant as time went by, and the friend never left your side, despite how often you say you’d rather be alone.”

I bit my lip. What is she trying to say, I wonder. And what’s the point in this meeting?

“It must be weird that I’m saying all this, isn’t it?” she asked, but I didn’t bother responding. “This is your personal history, anyway, and though I know of it, it’s actually none of my business.” She paused. “But, it is, you see. Well, for me anyway.”

“What do you mean?” I said out loud, without meaning to. I quickly bit my tongue, but I noticed that the doctor wasn’t exactly surprised. Instead, she crossed one of her legs over the other, as she took in a deep breath.

“The world is big and complex,” she answered. “You lived in this village for almost all your life, but the only contact of the outside world is from people like me that come and go. You never really cared about them, did you? Well, ‘care’ isn’t exactly the word for it, but for now, I’ll use it for the lack of a better term.” The doctor leaned forward a bit, with that smile still on her face. “With that in mind, I assume you don’t know the history of daemons and humans. It seems that the rest of the village isn’t aware of them either, so it might be possible for a daemon to be living among them without knowing. However, there is... something about this place that actually repels them.”

The doctor brushed her hair over her shoulder while keeping her eyes on me. I wasn’t sure what to say, except, “Continue.”

Another short laugh. “This entire village is located on a cave inside a mountain. It’s difficult to travel up here, which is why only a few selected doctors come and go from various countries, all specialized in something. Psychology, physical health, et cetera... but I’m one of the few that actually studies something a bit more... special, you could say.”

“Special?”

“Yes. Artifacts, ruins, ancient technology, and the likes. Basically, places and things that have existed for over one thousand years, that are quite mysterious, as they are dangerous.” She paused to take in another deep breath. “You work with the dead, don’t you?”

“I don’t work with them, aside from preparing the chamber for their body to be burned,” I answered, almost immediately. I don’t know what this doctor is asking about it for, but with all the things she said, I might as well poke her for information as well in return. “Why do you ask?”

For a brief second, I noticed a glimmer her eyes. Is she... happy that I spoke up?

“It’s because I noticed the words ingrained in those stone walls are similar to the ones I’ve been studying for the longest time. As I said, there is something about this place that repels daemons from this village, and I believe, if I have the proper help, I can look into this place further... and if I’m correct, you are the only one who can help me.”

“And why is that?” I asked.

The doctor’s lips parted slightly as she got up from the chair. “You and I are the same. We are apathetic people.”

I blinked. “Apathetic...?”

“There are many, many studies of humanity and our emotions, some that have been dated far before daemons came into our world. However, it’s become rather difficult to describe ourselves one way or another, so these terms have no longer been used, so we need new ones for the sake of helping people. Apathetic, cheerful, melancholy are just a few words that we choose to apply to ourselves, if we wanted to. But, of course, it doesn’t always work that way for some people, say, a violent person that kills. Given that we live among daemons however, and they can often disguise themselves as humans, it’s difficult to really say if a person is a ‘serial killer’, or just a daemon out for blood. Humans also tend to suffer under mental ailments and the likes, which is why professionals study as hard as they can to help them. But again, it tends to conflict with daemons that take on human appearances. Do you understand?”

I paused to think it over. “No... Not really. In fact, I think you confused me so much so, that I developed a headache.”

The doctor let out another laugh before shrugging. “I expected that would happen. To be honest, I’m not a doctor that specializes in those areas, so I might as well be wrong, if not a little bit incorrect. Anyway, Mx. No-No, I have things to take care of during my stay here, but I’ll definitely need to talk to you about something important in the upcoming days. I shall see you around.”

“Very well,” I simply replied. “You didn’t give me your name, by the way.”

“I did? Oh, well, pardon me, my name is Dr. Xiao Wei, but of course, Dr. Wei is the proper way to call me.”

“Of course, Doctor. Thank you.”

Dr. Wei then gave me a firm nod before she left my home through the curtains. “Enjoy your day, Mx.”

[moghedien]

Could you recommend some adult sff? Love your blog btw!

Thank you! 

And ok, I could give you better personalized recs if you give me some idea of what you’re looking for or what you like, but I’m gonna give you some general recommendations. Also I only really feel comfortable recommending books that I have personally read, and there are tons more out there than what I have read. If you want to find more, looking at recent Hugo nominations over the past few years might be helpful. Also one of the reasons why I know anything at all about the SFF world is that I’ve been listening to the Sword and Laser podcast for like, a decade. I never really mention that podcast, but its literally why I started reading at all and also they have a pretty active goodreads group as well. 

So recommendations: 

Ancillary Justice by Ann Leckie: 

This is one of my favorite books period. This is a far future space opera about an artificial intelligence who used to be a spaceship and now is only one human body, and she is ANGRY ABOUT that. I don’t really want to say more than that, but if you like AI shenanigans and being sorta confused as to what is going on the entire time, then this is the book for you! It’s the first book in a completed trilogy.

The Eye of the World by Robert Jordan: 

Obviously I’m gonna recommend the Wheel of Time. This is the first book in a 14 (actually 15) book series and if you need something to do with the next 1-5 years of your life *motions toward EoTW*. 

So the Eye of the World, I think is uniquely good as a book if you kinda want to get into adult fantasy for a few reasons. For one thing, its kinda considered to be one of those “classics” of the genre but its not too old to be offputting to some readers. It’s a 30 year old book, so its not reflective of the genre now, but you can definitely see its influence all the place, even outside of just books. The Eye of the World specifically, also goes out of its way to make readers comfortable. It leans heavy on Tolkien references and tropes at first without being a straight up copy of Lord of the Rings like some classic fantasy books are. Its done very purposefully, in my opinion, to make the reader feel like they have some idea of what’s going on, and the series quickly drops the Tolkien references as soon as its established itself enough. 

Also the Gandalf parallel for the series is a smol bi lady and there is 24 year old rage healer who wants to fight everyone with her own two fists.So many women to stan. 

Leviathan Wakes by James S.A. Corey

This is the first book of the Expanse, which is a nearish future space opera that takes place in our solar system. Mars has long ago been colonized and is a completely separate government entity than Earth, and conflict between the two planets has been stirring. The Asteroid Belt has also been colonized and have long been little more than tools of corporations that run their colonies. A group of ice haulers working in the outer planets get in the middle of one of the biggest secrets in the solar system and find themselves in all kinds of trouble. 

I don’t really want to say more than this, but this is probably the only SF series that I actively keep up on when a new book comes out. There are 8 books our currently, and the 9th and final book will be out sometime in the near future. There are also several short stories and novellas set in the world, and there’s a TV show that I really like though I need to catch up on it. 

The Fifth Season by N.K. Jemisin

Hello, this book comes with content warnings for literally everything, but it is such a good book/trilogy. This is book about a woman trying to find her daughter again in the middle of the apocalypse. Definitely a heavy read but absolutely brilliant. The world has a magic system based on geology and the people that can use that magic....saying they’re discriminated against is an understatement. I don’t want to say much more about it, but if you have any kind of content you can’t read for whatever reason, I’d check before picking this up. This is the first book in a completed trilogy

Station Eleven by Emily St. John Mandel

So this isn’t really super SF heavy and is actually sold as a literary book, but it takes place after a flu pandemic has wiped out a large portion of the population...so maybe this is a bad time to read this book, OR its the best time to read it. Depends on how you’re dealing with *motions at the world*

The book flashes back to before and during the pandemic a lot, but is largely about art’s importance and is actually quite optimistic in its messaging, and this is another of my favorite books ever. But yeah, might be a bad time for you to read it of you can’t deal with the content now. 

The Priory of the Orange Tree by Samantha Shannon 

I just remembered that this book also has a plague, but its a subplot and not the major thing. So this is a big ol’ chonky standalone book that is high fantasy, deals with multiple cultures having to interact and work together, and has dragons. Also there’s a genunine slow burn f/f romance and *chef’s kiss*. I can’t really say much else, mostly because I struggle to explain this book, but its very good and probably my favorite book from last year. 

The Calculating Stars by Mary Robinette Kowal 

In this house we stan Mary Robinette Kowal, ok? 

So this is a science fiction that is more an alternate history that poses the question, hey, what would have happened if an asteroid slammed into the east coast in 1952 and the world had to scramble to colonize Mars so that everyone didn’t die on earth when the climate got catastrophic, because that’s the inciting action of the book. The main character is a Jewish woman who was a WASP pilot in WW2 and is a computer for the space program when all this happens. The book deals with sexism, and racism, and xenophobia, and all the social issues that are gonna come up with it being set in 1952, but Mary Robinette doesn’t flinch away from addressing social issues in any of her books, even when it makes her main characters look bad. (Also if you like Pride and Prejudice, she has a series that is just Pride and Prejudice with magic and like, yeah, its good). 

A Natural History of Dragons by Marie Brennan

This is a book which poses a question, what if dragons were like weird animals that were real and an eccentric woman spent her entire life traveling the world to study them and then told the stories of that in her memoirs when she was too old to care about the consequences of publishing all her scandals. That’s what the book is about. This one is probably actually the weakest in the series, just because it deals with so much set up. It’s a great series to get on audio because Kate Reading is a fantastic narrator, and the prose works so well as audio, because it’s just someone telling you her life story. There are five books in the series. 

All Systems Red by Martha Wells

So this is a novella and is the first in the murderbot series. Basically a killer robot gets addicted to television shows and accidentally became sentient. I haven’t read the others in the series, but I really need to reread this one and get to the others. 

Jade City by Fonda Lee

This is a fantasy set in world sorta inspired by the early 1900s but is in a fantasy world. It’s like a mafia movie and kung fu movie had a baby and it was this book. The sequel is out currently, but the third book is set to release next year.

An Unkindness of Ghosts by Rivers Solomon 

This is another heavy read. This is a SF story set on a generation ship that has a society very heavily inspired by the antebellum south. There’s class issues, race issues, gender issues, mental health issues. All kinds of things intersecting here. Its fantastic, but a heavy read.

Assassin’s Apprentice by Robin Hobb

This is another fantasy classic, and is the first of the Farseer Trilogy. The title is sort of also a description of the book, so like. I’m not sure what else I can say. I haven’t read further into the series, but people I trust love it, and honestly I need to reread this and read more of the books. 

Doomsday Book by Connie Willis

So if you think that Station Eleven might be a bad book to read at the time, then this is THE WORST POSSIBLE BOOK TO READ RIGHT NOW. Or, maybe the best. Depends on how you cope. This is a book about time travelers based in Oxford and the main character accidentally gets stranded in the past right as the Black Plague is about to hit. And it hits. The book is horrific. The second book in the series is much funnier. This one ain’t funny, but is good. Just, oof. 

Mistborn or Warbreaker by Brandon Sanderson

So if you want to get into the Cosmere, which is a series of series that interconnect and will ruin your life, then then my personal opinion is to either start with Mistborn or Warbreaker. People might not agree with me, but that’s my personal opinion. 

Warbreaker is currently a standalone (a sequel will come out eventually but its not set up for a sequel so you can 100% read it as a standalone). The magic in this world is based on colors, and the story revolves around two sisters. One of them is betrothed to the horrific God King of their neighboring kingdom. The other sister ends up being sent in her place because their dad hates her. I adore Warbreaker so much. It has it all. Two women discovering their true places on the prep/goth spectrum. Talking swords. Vivenna. Everything you can need right there. 

Mistborn is a trilogy that is very emo and will ruin you. Its about people who swallow metal to get magic powers and live in world where the dark lord won already, so they’re all emo. And that was the worst description of Mistborn I ever could have written, but I find it too funny to change. 

So if you’re interested in the Cosmere, but are afraid to commit long term, pick up Warbreaker. If you want to get into a series right away, pick up Mistborn. 

[thepaininurneck]

so not to literally get on my Tumblr for no reason and vent some but I saw a TikTok today talking about how Tumblr affected them/treated their eating disorder so I wanted to add my two cents for any of you remaining pro-anas or whatever you’re fucking calling yourselves now that tumblr banned your stupid tag or whatever, I haven’t checked since I was 14 and I won’t be changin that.

I started restricting my eating when I was 14. I’ve never been as bad about it as some people and I quickly learned to avoid pro-ana content ( to the point of avoiding Tumblr entirely for a while ), but I still avoided food where I could and it caused a lot of fights with my parents. But I’ve always been a small kid, so when I stopped putting on weight, it wasn’t obvious. The only time anyone would notice something was when I was trying to eat a meal around them.

I wasn’t active, either. I was homeschooled and, after moving twice, I wasn’t in any sports or groups ( like Girl Scouts or whatever ), so I could stay home and do nothing. I didn’t need energy - I just stayed in bed all day and ate when I was forced to. I stayed at around 90 pounds from ages 14-16, with no changes to my lifestyle until early 2019. I think I was 5’5 when I started restricting my food, and I’m currently 5’8 and a big bag of bones.

The first thing I want to say is this: it’s not pretty. My body is boney and angular in a way that’s reminiscent of horror, you can count every rib and every plate of my spine with your eyes. I can stick a finger under my collarbone, and if I suck in a little, I can get my hand under my hipbones. I feel ugly and like I can’t be graceful: I wear baggy clothes constantly and if I wear revealing clothes they can’t show my arms, or my back, or I feel gross. My legs were a huge insecurity for me for years too, and up until I made some huge changes recently, I had a fairly big thigh gap and my knees were as bony as the rest of me. It’s not pretty. There is nothing gorgeous or attractive about being this underweight, and not only does it make me despise my physical appearance more, the effects it has on my health are bad too.

I had blood work done in November 2019 that showed I have low iron, b12, and d. I am constantly tired in a way that makes my bones ache, and I get dizzy and have to sit down a lot just from walking or leaning over a little bit. I feel sick, physically, and on bad days even my teeth ache. I’m always insatiably hungry but I can’t stomach much food and only certain textures are okay for me now. Thankfully I never started calorie counting, but portioning was an issue for me and I’m trying to use that to my advantage. It’s hard. I always feel like I can’t sleep enough, I get sick quickly if I do too much physical activity for too long, if I eat too much, if I think about food too much.....etc.

I started doing aerial silks in July 2019 thanks to a video Markiplier had posted a while prior. At first it went great - my first few lessons made me so sore I couldn’t notice what else was going on. It was doing these once weekly, one-hour lessons where I was spending at most 20 minutes on the apparatus that was making me faint and dizzy and sick and horribly tired in a way that felt wrong. I also developed lactose intolerance during this time, something that showed up completely randomly, but for all I know it could be because of how I was restricting myself. But that’s why I went and got the blood work, and a few months later in March 2020, I started really trying to gain weight again.

Let me tell you - I am miserable. I have been working since March to correct my eating habits and to gain weight and the last time I checked, I had gotten up to 107.5. I can, in a good mood, eat a plate of certain foods. Sometimes I’ll even manage three meals a day, an on really good days I can do a little extra. None of this feels like enough and I feel worthless because of it. In my class I am the tallest and the thinnest, and because of my awkwardly bony joints and thin upper body, I lack grace and beauty and look like a Halloween skeleton on a pole. I feel miserable, and cramps, and tired, and I often make myself sick pushing myself to try and be just a little prettier on the silks or to just try that drop one more time. Three days ago, I puked after a rough session at Open Aerial. I’ve spent the days since sleeping and can remember eating two meals max. Writing this down, my head hurts and I’ve forced down some food, but I’m tired of seeing posts in fucking 2020 glorifying eating disorders in any way - even seeing jokes, or comments made about not eating dinner, make my stomach clench and it reminds me of the four years I’ve wasted because of this shit. I can’t do what I love like this - aerial is too physically demanding for what I’m capable of, and what about long term? What about my girlfriend, my aspirations? They’re all incredibly out of reach because of this. Because I can’t stomach a full meal and if someone’s mean to me I won’t eat for three days.

My eating disorder has not been diagnosed professionally. I have considered seeking hospitalization but mine has never been life threatening. I have gone days without food, I’ve watched my portions and I’m miserable now. I feel disgusting and my body can’t hold its own heat. But there’s a million people who are worse than I am, and there’s a few that have lost their lives because of it. And for all all of us - recovering or not - seeing this shit glorified on social media is a slap to the face. It’s a disappointment to see the community even still exists, and a failure on the part of whoever owns Tumblr to not outright fucking ban it ( like it should’ve been in the beginning, before a whole generation of small teens found it.) and I hope that by explaining that I feel like my body is failing, my mental health has never been worse, and even my fucking teeth are suffering, I can get through to at least one idiot on this website and get it through their head that you will not be beautiful if you stop eating or even restrict yourself in a significant manner. You aren’t guaranteed to drop any fat, fat that you need on your body - it’ll stay. Your teeth will fall out, you’ll be fainting daily, but all that weight you’re trying to drop? It’ll stay. Depriving yourself and ruining yourself is not going to make you pretty.

I can continue on, I think. I’m really upset and I don’t think any of this stupidly long ramble makes sense, but here’s my last words for anyone considering doing this shit. Imagine the ugliest, worst version of yourself. Now amplify it - that’s how you’ll feel. You’ll feel nothing short of worthless.

And for anyone reading this in recovery, or having made it past that, I’m proud of you. It’s so hard to force myself to eat even one plate a day, much less trying to keep up with the exercise I force myself through, and the mental hoops you have to jump through to get past this mentality. It takes a lot of strength and resolve that I’m just now realizing is a learned skill. I hope you continue down the path of recovery and health and happiness.

[soft-ris]

HI FRIEND, FOR THE CP: (such a cute idea btw!!!) let me see if i get this right...i cut it short but i have curly hair, dark dark brown but with some really cool natural blonde highlights. i have bluish-silver eyes and i think nice lips, and am around 5'7" (174 cm i think?). i am a WRITER to the core, super creative, ideas hit me 24/7. i really love history and would love to visit ruins someday. movie junkie. i'm sarcastic but like to think to think i'm also funny! I'LL BE 🐄 I HAVE ONE MORE 😫

OKAY ITS 🐄 AGAIN. as i said i really love making people laugh and writing poetry for people. i'm very selfless but often to a major fault lol, not very good at taking care of myself a lot. self esteem? DON'T KNOW HER. but hey, i kinda enjoy cooking, and i really love reading!! (IS THIS OVERSHARING) since we only have jojo in common my top 3 are risotto🖤, DIO⚰ and Jonathan🗡 :^) thank you AGAIN an i hope you have an absolutely wonderful day my dood

———————————————————————

Cupid’s Pick for your match made in heaven is...

...Jonathan!

———————————————————————

I'm very selfless but often to a major fault lol. Not very good at taking care of myself a lot. Self-esteem? DON'T KNOW HER.

The MAIN reason I chose Jonathan was because of this. Jonathan’s a whole gentleman (I mean he basically strived to be one). Kind and sweet and positive and has a heart bigger than both his boobs and ass cheeks combined. He would be the best match up for you because his affirmations and positive attitude and sweetness would be like to honey to your tea, the sugar to your coffee, the whipped cream to your strawberry. He’s the best (out of the characters you’ve given me) in reassuring you. And because of his personality and disposition, you’d be well taken care of (physically especially). Your self-esteem would also flourish because there’s no doubt that he loves you and only you (romantically), and he’d remind and show you for as long as he’s with you. He’d also appreciate your selflessness the most because he’s always out there being selfless, so having it be done to him is just a big uwu for him. I feel like that’s how he shows his devotion and love, and so your selflessness is just top notch in catching his heart. But when you take it too far, he will reign you back in. He may scold you, but you’ll know it’s because he means well and he doesn’t want to see you hurt or exhausted. He’s sincere in that sense, and because of that, you know he means it when he tells you he loves you, when he calls you beautiful, when he says you own his heart and soul because you actually do. In the long-term, I see his personality just helping you improve your self-esteem and self-care and selflessness naturally.

While I was tempted to match you up with Risotto, Jonathan ultimately won out because I do not see him (Ris) doing as well with this aspect of yours (compared to big boy Jonathan).  He can translate your selflessness to either being a pushover (when you bend yourself backwards for others, and he’s disapproving of that because he believes you should respect yourself more and may even take you under his wing instead of his bedsheets lol) OR he can interpret this as either your loyalty to him (when you bend yourself backwards for him). With the latter, he may end up taking advantage of it sometimes. This is because I believe he’s so used to having things taken away from him or not having enough of something, so he may subconsciously demand more of you in some manifestation of greed. So you’d end up giving more, he’d end up taking more, and it’s just not a good balance. ESPECIALLY if you say you’re not good at taking care of yourself. I’m not saying he won’t take care of you if you two are dating, but I also think he needs someone who can essentially function well without him (since he’s so busy and has a lot on his plate and can’t always be there for you; I’m not saying you’re a burden bc you’re not, I’m just saying Ris has a lot going on and he doesn’t want to be the reason for your decline in health and mental state if y’all were dating bc he wasn’t there and he will beat himself up over it).

The biggest reason I didn’t pair you up with DIO specifically is because I feel like he would 1000000000000000000000% take advantage of this. He’s not above that and he most likely will not feel remorse for that. Hell, he would 100% enjoy utilizing your disposition to his advantage, and in the long-term (hell, even in short-term), that’s not good for you and your health at all. As shown countless times before, he relishes in power and does not enjoy it when people are of equal or higher standing than him. And because of that, I feel like he would not hesitate to use your low self-esteem and selflessness to further his ego and complex. DIO’s also surrounded by gorgeous people every day, and he wouldn’t bat an eyelash if you were to voice your insecurities to him. Although, he may end up also using sweet reassuring words to you just so you fall under his spell harder (which means it would be easier to manipulate u and ur selflessness) OR he may exploit it and make you feel more insecure but also manipulate you to be more mindlessly devoted to him (it’s easier to use that forehead bug thing but that’s removable). All in all, it would just breed an extremely dependent and toxic relationship between the 2 of you because you would never be his equal, even in a relationship with him. He’s not the antagonist for nothing lol (I’m well aware of his past and the implications/effects it has, but we’ve all seen how he has acted throughout his life and his thought process). 0/10 recommend.

I am a WRITER to the core, super creative, ideas hit me 24/7.

Jonathan would be supportive all around and would love to help you in any way he could. He’d want to read everything you produce too! Overall, extremely proud of your creativity and if you publish a book, he will throw a party, make Speedwagon buy a copy too, and cherishes the first copy you give him.

Risotto would gift you things to help you with this, like books, stationaries, & etc. Would help you out with proofreading and editing too if he has the time. He’s supportive like that and he’s attracted to how you’re so creative and can draw inspiration at all times.

DIO thinks your creativity is admirable. He would also love to read what you write, but is very critical. He’s read so many books, and while preference is subjective, he knows what good writing is (based on genre, style, & etc.). So if it’s not good, you’ll know why from A to Z. And if you get disheartened by him, he will look down on you and call your passion weak.

I really love history and would love to visit ruins someday.

Jonathan seems like he likes travelling in general, so he would love to visit with you too! Might not be super into history, but well, anything will interest this big puppy if you tell him passionately enough.

Risotto looks like he doesn’t mind? Not super interested, not super disinterested either, but will travel with you if he’s able to free up his schedule.

DIO can only go at night, but he looks like he enjoys history and ruins.

Movie junkie.

Jonathan and you would set up a weekly movie night date thing, and he’ll let you pick whenever because he just loves to spend time with youwu. He has some favourites, but if the movie doesn’t interest him, he’ll still sit through it but his attention would be on cuddling you.

Risotto? Kinda depends on the genre? But he looks like the kind to not have enough time to be a movie lover or sit through one for you, so not the best match.

DIO prefers books so he won’t indulge in this love of yours, but if it’s an adaptation from a book he would watch it. But he’ll be a raging bitch if doesn’t match up to the books. Honestly, if he’s uninterested, he won’t be watching it.

I’m sarcastic but like to think to think I’m also funny!

I see Jonathan as someone who enjoys it when his partner can quip back, so while he may not find sarcasm funny most of the time (when aimed at him), he does find it attractive. If you’re sarcastic to the people who give him a hard time, he would kiss you passionately afterwards and who knows… you might even get dicked down after oho. If you’re sarcastic to the people he cares about, he won’t mind if no one’s feelings are hurt.

DIO won’t tolerate being disrespected in any form, even if it’s a joke. I just can’t see him allowing that with that God complex of his lol, but he does find it amusing when you’re sarcastic to other people.

Risotto loves sarcasm, but he has an image to keep. So as long as you don’t undermine or disrespect him (you have to have a 6th sense with the boundaries), he’s more than happy to sass you back or chuckle at it.

I really love making people laugh.

Jonathan and Risotto appreciates this the most. Finds it lovely. Jonathan especially because he finds it so sweet that you want to bring laughter to others. Risotto enjoys a partner who would love to bring more joy into his life. But I see the shit Risotto laughs at as dry or dark or when its real stupid or boomer/dad-like, anything else he’s a little like ‘ok’. Jonathan appreciates the effort alone and would tease you a little if it’s a really bad joke (all in good nature of course).

DIO…he laughs mostly at other people’s demise or stupidity or cluelessness. That’s all I’m gonna say.

I really love writing poetry for people.

Jonathan would SWOOOOOOOOOOOOOON SO hard. He would show it off to Speedwagon and then keep it tucked somewhere safe so he can read it whenever he wants to.

God he’s just so in love with you and he thinks it’s just so romantic of you. He absolutely loves it. Hell, even if it’s not for him, he’s so proud and awestruck because poetry is hard and he’s just so proud whenever he brags about this skill/hobby of yours. He also thinks it’s so sweet of you to write poetry for others and love doing it. Man just has heart eyes all around and I can’t blame him.

DIO would be smug about it for all the same reasons but in a more…condescending way? Like ‘HA. Do you peasants see that? Their talent? You could never lmao’. But would get pissy if you write for others more than you write for him because he should be your #1.

Risotto would say thank you and give you a kiss. Outwardly he won’t show as much (unless you look hard enough and notice the way his eyes soften more, like the way he would smile too, and his cheeks might even have a touch of pink), but he will forever treasure the poem. He also keeps his favorite on him all the time, like a little good luck charm. He doesn’t brag about your talent, but he’ll proudly agree if someone brings it up. Of course, you wouldn’t know all this though (unless you accidentally find out).

I kinda enjoy cooking.

Johnathan has a refined palate because of his upbringing, but he also looks like he’d eat whatever you cook solely because you made it just for him. He’s a gentleman and a sap with a big heart, if he doesn’t like it, he’ll eat it. He might tell you what can be tweaked, but never in a way that makes you feel bad or inadequate. He also looks like he can’t cook for shit lmao, so teach him!! He’s always down to do anything if it means spending time with the love of his life uwu

Risotto and DIO would tell you straight up if they don’t like what you’ve made. The difference is, DIO (if he ain’t a vampire yet) wouldn’t even touch it (anymore after the first bite) lmao, Risotto too but he’d end up cooking with you to teach you how to improve the dish. Of course, he doesn’t do it to shit on you. He appreciates the sentiment, but he’s not going to subject himself to something he doesn’t enjoy if he can help it. Also would turn it into a cooking date with you. DIO would just take over the kitchen and make you watch LOL

I really love reading!!

DIO too! I see Risotto enjoying it as well, but not as much and probably prefers music related hobbies. As for Jonathan, he doesn’t mind it? He’s not the biggest fan of it, but if you read it to him, he’d happily perch his head on your lap and listen to you like an audio book sent from the heavens (but somewhere along the way he will fall asleep KSKSKSK)

DIO would engage in conversations with you on the books (also thoroughly enjoys if you can keep it interesting), Risotto would if he knew the book (but would then just listen and ask questions if he didn’t), Jonathan is just happy to have your attention on him, but would read the book and talk about it with you if you want that.

Your physical appearance description.

Jonathan would just love to play with and admire your hair 24/7, and if his attention isn’t on your hair, then it’d be on your lips. Kissing, brushing his tongue or fingers or **** against your lips, just absolutely loving the shape and feel of it.

And because you’re also tall(-er than average?), kisses are SO much more easier to access and that’s such a plus uwu. I mean regardless of height, he can always just lift you, but he also doesn’t have to bend too far when plopping his head on the crown of ur head too. And if u wear heels or shoes that give u extra height? Power couple goals😩🤘🏼💫

[chilling-seavey]

Passchadaele letters between Corbyn and Daniel cause I miss them ~T

I miss these boys so much :( This is a very good insight into their post-war lives so thank you for this! Sorry it took so long! 

(Also, this contains spoilers so only read if you have finished the novel!)

TW // mentions of post-war trauma, PTSD/shellshock, and suicidal thoughts

June 8, 1915

Dear Corbyn,

I hope you are well since arriving home. I am sorry it has been a while for me to write you, things here have been a little crazy. Elizabeth’s alive and well and she picked me up from the train station when we returned. She was sent home early from Belgium and didn’t even know about the bombings of the field hospital. I am so grateful however I can’t find it in myself to feel happy. I’m sure it will fade with time as I settle back into life at home but for now, I will be praying for Christian and Zach and our lost friends.

Elizabeth would love to meet you and your girl one day. She has been absolute thrilled with the idea of making a new friend. We should set something up.

Write me back soon.

Daniel

~~

June 11, 1915

Dear Daniel,

You have no idea how relieved I was to receive your letter! I was starting to think you got lost on your way home from the train station! It is so good to hear about Elizabeth and her safety and good health. Give her a hug for me and tell her that Christine and I would be more than happy to host the two of you whenever you please. I am sure she will be cleaning and baking for days in preparation!

Is your family well? I can’t imagine any of your pain in regard to Christian and the war. I have been praying for your peace every night. I know you mentioned your father isn’t the easiest man so I am hoping you’re hanging in there and keeping your sanity through Elizabeth!

Corbyn

~~

June 15, 1915

Corbyn,

I don’t want to bother you with my nonsense, but it’s been hard. They didn’t know of Christian’s passing, so I had to break the news to them. The formal letter came last week, and mother has cried a lot, not even trying to hide it now; I can’t help but feel her sorrow as well. It feels like he’s in my arms sometimes, like I can feel his body weight in my lap and his blood on my hands and the nightmares are worse. Father has had plenty of angry words for me when I cry even when I’ve hidden it the best I could. I just want it all to stop.

Elizabeth is my best distraction and I’m blessed to have her with me. She’s so patient. Her parents treat me like one of their own…I wish my parents were as understanding as hers are. I am going to ask her to marry me tomorrow. I cannot imagine life without her and when I was forced to, the world felt so much darker. I hope she says yes.

Your friend,

Daniel

~~

June 18, 1915

Dear Friend, Daniel,

That is oh-so exciting about the engagement! I am almost positive she will say yes. Let me know what her exact words were!

You are never bothering me with your letters. You’re like a brother to me and you’re so young, I want to make sure you’re okay; we went through something life changing together, something life ruining together, it’s not easy. You mentioned nightmares? What kind of nightmares, if you don’t mind me asking? I have had a few myself, feeling like I’m back with a rifle in my hand and thousands of lives under my control. Waiting to go over the top. The waiting is the worst.

Just remember that you’re safe now.

Corbyn

~~

June 21, 1915

Dear Corbyn,

Elizabeth said yes before I even could open my mouth to ask her! We were under the tree in her garden and I had my grandmother’s engagement ring in my pocket and barely pulled it out and she was kissing me and telling me she would love nothing more than to marry me. We are hoping to be married when the war is over. I hope it’s soon. Father wasn’t impressed with the engagement as he never liked Elizabeth and how she and her mother are fighting for the women’s vote. I am proud of her though. Mother and Anna are excited for us which I am glad of. I just can’t wait to get out of this house.

My nightmares contain lots of things. Mostly reliving the Kitchener’s Wood attack where I find myself either on the brink of death with its cold grip around my throat or stabbing that German boy over and over and watching the life drain out of him makes me sick to my stomach. Its every night. I can’t remember the last time I had a good night’s sleep as I always take hours to fall asleep and I wake up in a pool of sweat. Sometimes the dreams are so real I can’t remember where I am when I wake up. Anna says she can hear me screaming in my sleep often. I want it all to stop. I want to forget it all and get away from the haunting memories of the death and the torture and the chilling and never-ending mud. I want my brother back and I want Zach back and I want to be okay again. I can’t remember what happiness feels like, I can’t remember what rest felt like, I can’t remember calmness. I can’t even shave without being scared of the blade. I’m scared of myself and my own capabilities that I know to be true. What would happen if I accidentally slit my throat with it and bled out just like Christian? I can’t bring myself to even touch the shaving kit.

Elizabeth helps all she can, and I love her for it, but I feel so badly for being miserable and for being such a handful and such a burden for her. I can’t bare to tell her about all this in fear of worrying her or scaring her off. She deserves more than me.

D

~~

June 24, 1915

Daniel,

Listen to me, you’re not a burden to anyone and especially not Elizabeth or to me. It seems you’re suffering from shellshock; it’s a new term that front-line doctors have come up with to describe the mental effects of post-war trauma. You aren’t alone and you’re not the only one going through this, I promise. You aren’t a bad person for killing that German boy. We were ordered to by the government and you hold no responsibility for that. You were fighting for your life and you did what you had to do to survive. You are safe now. Safe with people who love you and are willing to listen to you and care for you. Confide in Elizabeth as much as you confide in me; she has the benefit of being able to be a comfort to you in person. Keep holding on and being the strong man you are; you’re doing great and you will get through this dark patch. I am always here to listen to you and guide you the best I can.

You’re my brother and I love you like my own family.

Your dear friend,

Corbyn

~~

June 30, 1915

Daniel,

I haven’t heard back from you and I’m getting worried. I will stop by your house if I don’t hear word from you in three days. I hope you are just taking some time to yourself with Elizabeth and forgot to reply. Please write me as soon as you get this, even just one word to know you’re still okay.

Corbyn

~~

July 6, 1915

Dear Corbyn,

Mother said you stopped by the other day. I am sorry for worrying you. I have been in bed the last few short weeks because facing the world makes everything feel worse. A woman at the shops had yelled at me, calling me a coward for coming home early when all our other men are still overseas, throwing things at me to get me out of her shop. I think Elizabeth hit her to shut her up, but I can’t remember because I think I blacked out. It all feels hopeless. Father says I’m a disappointment of a son for being such a crybaby; I think he would tell me he would rather me have died in battle than Christian if he wasn’t worried what mother would say to him. I honestly don’t blame him. I wish I did too.

Like you said, I have confided in Elizabeth and she’s been over often to try and help me take my mind off of things. She’s really amazing and I can’t believe she’s mine. I guess things are getting better although it hurts so bad sometimes. Thank you for caring about me so much. I know I have you and Elizabeth when all feels hopeless.

I want to be able to marry her and to watch my kids grow up. I can only pray this war is over soon and I will be able to provide and safe and peaceful life for my children, free from conflict and violence and death. I wouldn’t wish this on my worst enemy.

We may be out of the gunfire but it’s still a struggle to survive at home. Just taking it day by day for now.

Miss you, brother.

Daniel

[unnamedjournals]

Mourning the Life I Thought I’d Have

This last week I’ve come to the realization that I will never be a fully independent adult. 

I am 22 years old and am having to come to terms with the concept that for the rest of my life I will be dependent in some manner on someone else. If I manage to achieve financial independence, it will be because I’m constantly pushing myself beyond my broken body’s limits and I will need help dressing and feeding and bathing myself because of it. I will be too exhausted and in too much pain to do it. And if I want to be able to manage my own personal care on a day to day basis, I will be too exhausted and in too much pain to work a standard job with enough consistency to afford the cost of even basic living. 

My therapist says I need to mourn the death of the person I was and thought I would be. Her recommendation for after that was either go on disability or become a youtuber. Honestly youtuber is still a lot of work, but sounds vaguely more viable than disability. 

Through all of this, my partner is facing down their own living situation crisis. Much of this realization of mine has actually been spurred on by that, that their best course of action that doesn’t involve them couch surfing is for me to move out with them. But I can’t do that, because it would mean I need to get a job. During a pandemic. When my options are all high risk, high physical/mental demand, or both. 

And I just can’t. I can’t help them in the way that would be best for their mental health and I feel so fucking guilty about that. I know it’s not my fault, and that I can’t help them that way but that my parents are more than happy to let them move in here again until they find another place. But they don’t want to do that both because they like my family but living with my parents is really hard on their mental health, and because they genuinely don’t believe there is a way out of this one, so I think they feel that if they move in here again that they would never be able to leave. Which isn’t true and again I know this isn’t my fault, but I hate that they’re stuck with my broken ass and I can’t help them. 

I hate that I’m realizing now while they’re in the middle of all of their own shit that in order for us to have a long term life together, I will probably be dependent on them in some way the whole time. I hate that I don’t know if it’s a bad thing or not that I don’t think they’d be okay with that long term. I hate that I’m doubting them over this. I hate that I can’t talk about this with them right now. I could probably figure out a solution to my own thing if I could talk about it with them, at least then I would have idea where to aim myself, but I can’t. If right now, or any time before they get settled into a new living situation, I told them that in order for me to move out with them I would probably have to be dependent on them financially, they would have a breakdown. Even if I brought this up while they were completely stable I don’t know how they would take it. This November will be our three year anniversary. We’ve talked about getting married sometime down the line once we’ve moved in together and we have some vague notion of where we’re going in life. And I have doubts. 

I hate my body so much. I hate that it’s murdered the person I could have been. I hate that I feel like it’s ruining any chance I have at a fulfilling life. I don’t want to live like this but short of a miracle there’s nothing I can do to change this. I hate that I’m back to wanting to die because of this. 

Crying doesn’t help anymore, it just gives me a headache.

The world is literally on fire, the work necessary to an okay future is getting harder and harder, and I’m barely keeping up with my health, if not falling further and further behind. 

Maybe it is time to try applying for disability.

6:34PM September 10, 2020

[qqueenofhades]

I know she wasnt one of your favorite characters and you dont watch the show anymore but what is your opinion on this whole mad queen Dany thing from a storytelling perspective? I personally hate it. But I am really attached to her character.

Short answer: It’s an idiotic giant pile of steaming bullshit.

Longer answer: It’s an IDIOTIC GIANT PILE OF STEAMING BULLSHIT BY A COUPLE OF MEDIOCRE-ASS FAKE-WOKE MISOGYNISTIC RACIST WHITE MALE HACKS WITH ABSOLUTELY NO STORY-TELLING OR COHERENT NARRATIVE ABILITY WHO THINK THEY ARE BEING ~LE RISQUE AND IN FACT ARE ACTUALLY JUST FUCKING DUMBER THAN A BOX OF TRUMPS.

(Deep breaths. Deeeeeeep breaths.)

Obviously, the question of whether Dany was going to be “mad queen Dany” was played with a little and could have been thoughtfully or subtly done (if these hacks possessed any writing ability, which as noted, they do not). But (again, bearing in mind that I don’t watch the show), from what I saw, she went evil in the span of like… an episode and a half? After Jorah, Missandei, and Rhaegal died, and she is justifiably upset and fucked into a corner by illogical plot decisions and contrived writing, apparently these misogynist fuckburglars were just like “oooohh that would Drive a Bitch Crazy!!! UNLEASH THE KRAKEN OF CRAZY!!!” Which perhaps isn’t unique to Dany, since they busily destroyed everyone’s character arcs and 7 seasons of development, but wow.

(Plus I have heard spoilers/hints about Jon having to kill her next episode, which is a whole new LEVEL of Yikes. We knew they were misogynistic asshats and the treatment of female characters had always been gross, BUT WOW.)

Dany’s arc, both in books and show, has had some other problems. I.e. the very cringy “white saviour” business and how POC were generally reduced to props for her story, whether “savage” or as “noble savages” or slaves who needed saving – as usual, the show made that much worse, because again, they cannot write and their entire ethos has been to hammer home Shock Value Grimdark as much as possible. Especially since they apparently claimed that Dany’s turn into madness was foreshadowed in season 1 when she had a “chilly” reaction to Viserys’ death. You know, the brother who mentally, physically, and sexually abused her and sold her into an arranged marriage for his political ambitions. According to these monumental crapsacks, that definitely means a woman is Crazy, if she doesn’t break down in tears over her abuser’s death. They have managed to send a fuckton of gross messages about women throughout the show in general, but that’s a new one.

Dany has, at this point, struggled for seven-plus seasons in show canon to make the right choices, to realize how hard it is to be a ruler, to deal with her Targaryen heritage, to help the entire North in the Long Night (honestly, why didn’t they end the show after that? It’s been nothing but downhill since). They already forced her to act irrational and to play up the Dany-Sansa feud, rather than acknowledging two complicated female characters and their different philosophies and allowing them to find actual common ground. So having us believe (again, when apparently the takeaway here is to kill everyone she cares about Because Bitches Be Cray and then have that drive her into murderous insanity) that within like…. 1.5 episodes, she’s supposed to be the End Level Boss is… wow. (After Cersei got killed by…. a falling ceiling, and don’t even get me started on Jaime and Brienne.)

As far as I can tell, these bogglingly incompetent hacks either got bored with the season/project (since they were offered the budget for 10 episodes but were like “nah we’re good with six!”) or indeed, this was the plan all along. I would not be surprised. They have been absolutely wedded to ham-handed Shock Value as their main plot tactic all along (it was one of the many reasons I quit several seasons ago) and mistake gruesome mistreatment of their female characters as Gritty Medieval Realism ™ or Strong Female Characterness ™. So we can’t say they weren’t on brand until the end. The assumption here is clearly that we were all chumps to “expect a happy ending from Game of Thrones!” …. which, I seriously doubt anyone was. In my version of the ending (TNR), it’s genuinely bittersweet. Not all the favorites make it, in the epilogue it’s clear that the post-war years have been difficult, and so forth. But it’s also not a pointless, nihilistic bloodbath of eight seasons of audience investment masquerading as Woke Postmodern Grimdark Super Smart Cutting Edge Ending.

(Also in my version, Dany melts down the Iron Throne to help fight the Others, survives the final battle, forgives the fake Aegon, becomes Queen of the South, eventually gets married and has a son, deals with the death of her dragons and the contestations to her rule long-term, and doesn’t go goddamn crazy.)

I don’t care how Realistically Grimdark your media is (and I have written many posts on how I would like this whole trend to die with fire and I blame GOT for making other franchises think this is the way to go). In no universe is your audience going to think that sending everything to hell within less than 2 episodes of the final season is a satisfying and meaningful ending, and if you think so, you really have no idea how fiction works and should not be writing it. A GOOD ending does not need to be a rainbow-fluffy-bunnies one. But in no realm, as evidenced by the uproar that my entire dash is in, does this one qualify. The paranoid terror of social media and spoilers is making them go so far as to gaslight actors, film false endings, and then break their hearts when they find that a decade of their hard work is going up in smoke like this.

As far as I know, Emilia Clarke had at least two serious health scares while working on GOT, and when she found out this ending, she left the house and just wandered aimlessly for three hours and tried to drink her sorrows away. How is that acceptable to do on a professional level, far less what you may think of Dany or her character or anything else? When again, the takeaway from this is that anyone who ever identified with Dany or her struggle to overcome abuse, enslavement, helplessness, etc, and admired anything about her, was a chump to do that. Sure. “Mad Queen Dany” was one narrative possibility. But if they were going to pull it off (which, again, I cannot emphasize enough how bad they are at writing) this needed to happen way before. Not out of the blue in the last two episodes of the show, because Women Are Emotional LOL, Must Be Stopped.

I am so sorry to everyone who loved her, or any character on this show, but I honestly, deeply am not surprised. As bad as it is, I have… known for a long time that they were capable of ruining this on a fundamental level, have never actually understood the characters or cared about narrative coherency, and their treatment of women is disgusting on just about every level. But even I am gobsmacked at how badly they managed to fuck it up. That should tell you something.

Me to D&D, every time they have or will open their mouths for the rest of time:

[incorrect-stranger-things-quotes]

Sometimes i worry about Mike's health. I know you get asked about Mike alot but i think it should be seriously considered to be a plotline like Will had even if its a subplot i feel like Mike needs this. S2 showed us Mike is unstable. Maybe not having episodes but he's definitely unstable. It wouldnt he impossible to believe if the Duffers said Mike had/did something that screams 'yeah hes not healthy'. The second trailer shows that he didnt fully recover either. It feels like it needs closure

I completely agree with you (also please ask about Mike any time I will take any excuse to rant about this fantastic child). Mike really didn't get his own plot in season 2, all we really saw from him is how what happened has affected him and it would really suck if the Duffers never resolved that. I'm very biased as Mike is far and beyond my favourite character but I really hope he gets some kind of individual arc this season. Having said this I understand why this hasn't happened yet and i'm sure the Duffers wouldn't leave us hanging. Mike is a difficult character to place at the centre of a storyline because basically his entire characterisation and motivation revolves around characters who are largely the drivers of the plot. It's hard to have a Mike storyline about anxiety or PTSD because it doesn't make sense for his character to be focusing on himself when El in season 1 and Will in season 2 are going through actual physical danger. Due to the format and genre of the show I'm not super hopeful for a deep dive into Mike and his issues because that would be really difficult in what is basically an 8 part sci fi movie were the story tends to revolve around events rather than like slow character dialogue (like i would die for a bottle episode where everyone talks about their feelings for an hour but I doubt that would have mainstream, appeal). It's the same reason I don't have high hopes for Will's sexuality to be addressed because, again, diving into the politics of sexuality in the mid 1980s is a pretty tall order for a sci fi drama with 8 episodes to role out its entire plot.

Something like a serious analysis of Mike's mental health issues is something that in my opinion would really require in universe time to really unfold. We see this in season 2, the first half of the season was really good at laying out Mike's day to day life and how he was never able to move on, with his obsession becoming crippling and destroying his relationships. But as the story picks up they just don't have the space to have any sort of meaningful discussion about it and it's basically forgotten until like 2 minutes of the last episode. That scene with Hopper does give me hope for season 3 though. The Duffers are't ones to drop plot threads (from what we've seen so far) and they spent most of season 2 making it very clear how deeply all this has affected Mike and how difficult he finds it to let things go. I'm really hoping the friction between Hopper and Mike will result in a meaningful discussion between the two about how seriously he was affected by what Hopper did.

Obviously this wouldn't be a Mike post without going off about Mileven so: There has been a lot of speculation about if there will be any sort of relationship drama this season and honestly I would actually welcome that with Mileven. We established last season that their relationship is clearly a long term plot for the show and if it's really going to be good it needs to have the emotional depth that comes with the both of them being in a real romantic relationship. What I mean by that is up until this point they haven't really been in a relationship. That's not to say they don't deeply care about each other and share the same ideals and values but they haven't had to navigate each others emotions and issues and the ways that they clash. I think trust issues are going to be a huge part of Mike and El's story this season, not just from the trailer but also looking at how and why they clashed in season 1. Loyalty and trust aren't the same thing and while Mike is deeply loyal to his friends, he finds it very difficult to trust them, I think this is part of the reason he became the leader, the others trust him rather than the other way around, but he still shows how much he cares through his loyalty. This isn't a dynamic that is viable in a romantic relationship, especially with El, who Mike is going to need to trust to keep herself safe because he literally can't. I also think there might be some issues regarding Hopper in terms of why El never reached out to Mike, I don't think he's going to be happy with Hopper basically being her dad because in his eyes Hop betrayed him and ruined a year of his life and he might feel betrayed by El's trust of him.

I know a lot of that was speculation but in short, yes I agree with you anon, I think Mike definitely deserves an arc about how all this has affected him because clearly he has not been dealing with it well. I will be thoroughly disappointed and honestly annoyed if Mike doesn't have residual anger and resentment from what he's been through. It would be very easy for him to just become El's heart eyed side kick which would be such a disservice to such a fantastic character, but I trust in the Duffers to deliver on what they built last season.