#“yeah... so weird... we're gonna do it”
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the first time i was treated even remotely respectfully in public when i first transitioned was at 3am in a 24 hour pizza place while high out of my mind on shrooms. i was in full drag with a full face and it was the first and only time i was ever gendered correctly and respectfully in a public place while presenting femme. i pass now, and I'm thankful that i do, but the amount of effort I've had to put into making my body as acceptable as possible for people just so i don't get harassed for more reasons than being Black in places i don't belong (super white grad school lmao) is wild. i shouldn't have to make myself look like you want me to fuck you for you to respect me, and it really shouldn't be that hard for queer people to realise that that is literally what most of society, including white queers, forces us to do. there's a weird intersection with Blackness and masculinity for both Black men and women that i feel gets pointed out a lot, but i feel like the hypermasculinisation of Black women unless they present sufficiently slutty is something that only gets talked about at length for cis Black women and queer Black women in general. mainly because whenever the dolls try to bring it up the only response is immediate horniness or complete denial. it's also interesting that when i started presenting more masc i started passing, but since then the amount of horny white people who've been unable to remove the rupaulified fucktoy version of me in their brain for long enough to listen to me when i try to talk about how much it sucks being butch and trans has increased. exponentially. you all have too many issues with Black men to even notice how your racism affects every part of how you view Blackness in general.
speaking of! follow up to that earlier thing i said about not being able to be masc and trans without ppl needing to remind you that they only support you for your ability to fuck them ‐ it's worse when you're Black, and you white queens do it too. and i really don't think you realise you do! because I've talked about this with almost every person I've been with (if I've even been allowed to before being dismissed without a hint of concern) and most of them just admitted to doing this at some point in our relationship. so instead of being philosophical I'll just use a few examples from the past 3 years (because they get worse if you go earlier and also i. do not have to)
you don't get to call me sir in bed because I'm masc and you said you want to treat me like a guy in bed (you're gay please stop confusing Black masculinity for being a man and work on your issues before fucking me) and you especially don't get to use this as leverage against me whenever i discuss how racist the relationship dynamic is despite your incredibly vocal support of my activism. you don't get to use my body or the right to demand that i use your body because you have a fetish for Black men, and you aren't allowed to get upset when i point out that this is the most supportive attitude you've had towards any part of me the entire time we've been together. you don't get to take out your frustration against Black people or Black men by making me fuck you, and again you don't get to get upset when i point out how fucked up that is that you call yourself an ally and then only use that allyship to get dicked down. you don't get to assume that because I'm Black and masc i'm the most aggressive top you've ever come across and you don't get to white woman tears your way out of it by using your own transness as a pass. you aren't allowed to enjoy Black bodies if we're only a commodity to you (which you openly admit) and you similarly don't get to white woman tears your eay out of it by using your confused sexuality as a pass.
i think I've made my point so I'm gonna stop! but yeah can you all be normal about Black people thanks a million blushes sweetly
kinda uncomfortable how ppl cant celebrate black trans women unless they are superduperhyperfeminine with 19 layers of makeup + expensive surgeries/weaves/dresses and looking like theyre going to walk the red carpet every day
#okay no one last one bc its funny to me#you don't get to use me as a literal sex toy to fulfill your weirdly specific Black trans butch mommy thing#because don't do that. consider getting a job or an outdoor hobby instead
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Actually, no, this is more than a tag:
Jace as Porter's Lady MacBeth is my new favourite Starbreaker dynamic
#“hey so on the way back from the Mountains of Chaos some witches said I was gonna be God of War. crazy right?”#“yeah... so weird... we're gonna do it”#Look like th’innocent flower#But be the serpent under’t”#or in other words “stop acting suspicious”#dimension 20#fantasy high#starbreaker#new starbreaker headcanon just dropped#and by starbreaker I mean Jace#I find that guy so interesting
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Prolly gonna be my one and only rwde post (cus the fanbase is rancid and I'm not rlly a rwby fan, just a person who watches the show): some of you rwby fans are too comfortable using your queerness as a shield to silence BIPOC voices about the racist writing and your 'precious' bigoted CRWBY. You guys unironically act/think that just because you have to deal with queerphobia; you are IMMUNE to being bigoted yourself and you are INCAPABLE of parroting bigoted beliefs. Cus I know there will be a dumbass ant1-rwde posters who will try to drown out this post by saying its 'lies from the EVIL RWDE!!!': You would rather weaponize your queerness to bash on BIPOC voices, while claiming to care about our voices. You would rather be complicit with the racist writers and their racist writing, just because your racist writers gave you a queer ship. There is no shame nor issue in projecting the abused you suffered onto the characters, however you refuse to see through the characters and their writing through a BIPOC lens. You do not get the right to impose your perspective of the characters at the expense of BIPOC voices, you do not get to twist our voices to be alt-right bigots because we called out RWBY's rampant racism. You do not get the right to say you give a shit about BIPOC and have #BLM in your bio when you fervently defend your bigoted company. You do not get to pretend to care about racism when you buy merch off of your bigoted company. My fellow BIPOC (especially the queer BIPOC): why are you guys so comfortable dismissing your fellow poc about their discomfort with RWBY's racist writing? BIPOC are not a monolith with the same opinions about racism in media; but some of you guys are weirdly comfortable with turning a blind eye to your fellow BIPOC getting dogpiled by the white fandom. We can and will disagree, you not agreeing as a BIPOC about RWBY's racist writing is not what I take issue with. The issue lies within you upholding the racial colourblindness in the fandom; like how the fandom was ok with throwing the racism under the bus in favour of queerness, you are ok with throwing your BIPOC peers under the bus for white queerness. Sincerely, a POC who has been watching the fandoms rampant racism problem ever since 2019.
#rwde#bitches be like: 'yeah we know that rwby handled racism bad :)))'#then get fucking furious when you say 'adam taurus being retconned from a minority rights fighter to an abusive ex was kinda bad'#go watch unicornofwar's white fang video and think about it holy shit. listen to the white guy if u dont wanna listen to poc#white fans get furious when you say that rwby has a racism problem TO THIS DAY#you dare mention how the 'villains' are all poc with visible ethnic traits/darker skin tones#while our heroes are white as fucking paper with zero ethnic traits#they would scream to the heavens that ruby and yang are chinese#despite being very much modelled off of white women/afabs#while also be giddy about whitewashing james to fit their evil facist dictator narrative#despite james being modelled off of an ACTUAL asian man unlike ruby and yang#and is one of the few characters who have visible ethnic features unlike ruby and yang#fandom racism goes unchecked over here and i have never felt so unsafe in a fandom#at the end of the day: ig white ppl will always prioritize themselves at the expense of bipoc#'omg we're ur allies#i totally understand how it feels like to be discriminated against 🥺'#<- not even a week later you borderline gaslight a poc rightfully saying its fucking weird to be making animal jokes about blake#at this point? call me a slur#dont pretend you give a shit about me as a poc#dont even fucking bother being my friend as a white queer if ur just gonna spout the same shit i see online#rwby fans you guys are one of the most racist fandoms out there#btw if you guys are gonna come at me with racism and harassment#you will be blocked <3#especially if u are as slavic as the vikings#do not bother lecturing a poc about how ur racist anime isn't that racist
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on the robe saga, fors told viaplay "it was our captain's idea actually" so he was team sasha btw. which could mean nothing
(they also said "smells fresh, so you've not sauna'd in this one?" and he laughed and said he didn't he saved this one for that day)
its so personally funny to me that literally everyone is team sasha (ie. maffhew, roddy) except sasha himself its "today? barky" "barky hes the best" "matthew tkachuk and you guys know why..." "id wanna be barky in tappara!" "its gotta be barky" "probably go cap!" "id say barky!" all over again like sasha youre bias is showing here please 😭😭😭
oh! now that you bring up forsy saying he saved the robes for gameday! (can we also talk about how cute his smile is as he says it because he looks so proud of himself that he listened to his captain when he told him to save the virginity of his bathrobes for the game)
it does makes sense why forsy was missing from the pic lundy posted on his stories (not that particularly means much considering ekky aj driedges spence adam jesper swaggy gadjo and kuli are missing) but in the sense that all the boys in the pic have their robes on or have them bundled in their laps sans lundy who takes tourguide duties very seriously! but even then forsy couldn't help but join in because he has them on as an extra layer during lunchtime so the cold mustve gotten to him somehow but to know even then he didn't go into the sauna with it... mmm... your restraint is admirable...
so really knowing all this the timeline gets so funny because this idea has been bouncing around probably since bzito gave them the robes in helsinki (whether that was when they landed oct 29 or the day after oct 30 when lundy played tourguide for them) and maffhew mustve quipped "man it would be so funny if we walked in with em huh?" to sasha and promptly forgot about it because he yaps unconsciously and anything out of his mouth comes out in a fugue state and also in a very "i say shit and i dont really expect to be taken seriously" kind of way, sasha made a personal note of it in the maffhew index he keeps in his head, told the team in a very sasha esque way aka "don't dirty robes too much we're gonna wear them for the game :]" and no one took him particularly seriously because its sasha he always jokes like this haha hes not really gonna- (reminds them day of probably via text) and go oh well i guess its a prank but i'll still wear them because it's sasha (shrugs) i don't mind being the butt of the joke if it's for sasha to which they're delightfully surprised when everyone shows up in robes and it slowly starts to dawn on them none of it was a joke at all
sans forsy who takes everything his captain says very seriously and diligently follows his every word and saved the sanctity of the robes for gameday merely because sasha told him to... which could mean nothing... of course...
dear god help us all...
#ask#THANK YOU FOR TRANSLATING I ONLY GOT THE CAPTAIN PART. MUAH MUAH KISSES FOR YOU MUAHHHH#literally the funniest saga#what do you mean forsy was the only good boy on the team#saved his robes... for dayof... because sasha... yeah thats not gonna drive me fucking nuts#virginal bathrobes and all that#sauna robes but lets make it more pyschosexual actually#im sorry im never getting over forsy admitting he saved the robes...#on another episode of forsy likes when his resolve and determination gets tested because hes a freak#we matthewsasha around these parts but we also think every cat is fucking and really i think sashaforsy is beautiful#because its two notoriously humble workhorses in which while theyre both leaders in their own ways one will always defer enthusiastically#not unlike say if in an omegaverse au in a packed w multiple alphas who all bow their head to their pack leader-#well anyways#congrats man i hope this weird edging training session worked out for ya bud i hope sasha treated you nice for showing restraint 👍#sauna robes saga part 637 it never ends#no back to forsy sorry forsy bitting his lip a little while he says he saved the robes.. oh buddy...#when i say the core are swingers in an gives you hell all american rejects way this is what i mean#swapping partners like we're square dancing#sasha has fun with forsy while maffhew looks at ekky like he wants to eat him alive during the robe walkin#and then they all go out on a double date at hook so you know...#sorry i have to make it all about them because its soooo#also the “smells fresh” comment implies that some other kitties did not bother to laundry so good for them to have sauna funk on em
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I have seen you talking about Dick & Dami's relationship and Dick & Tim as well,but what are your takes on Dick and Jason actually?
Like how you wish their relationship should be portrayed today and where are them missing when it comes to making those two acting like siblings?
Do you think in the past their dynamic was better?
How Dick views Jason and how Jason views Dick?
This is difficult to answer because there are like 8 different stages to Dick and Jason's relationship with various dynamics. They also view each other a bit differently depending on which stage we're talking about.
The way I would like their relationship to be portrayed today isn’t necessarily possible thanks to Jason’s integration into the family and acceptance of the no killing moral code. For me, their ideal dynamic is portrayed in Outsiders #44-46. And I know people are gonna find that regressive as hell but, tbh, that dynamic is far more interesting than the kinda awkward thing they have going on now.
Although, I don't mind that they acknowledge their brotherhood in a serious manner now. Like before they'd kinda be like, "Eh... I mean... we were adopted from the same guy but... brothers? Eh..." And now they're more firmly in the, "We're brothers," camp. So that development is interesting.
Character progression wise, it wouldn't feel right for for them to be super close in the way that, say, Dick and Tim are (unless we saw a lot of trust and relationship building between them), but at the same time, there is part of me that kind of wants them to have that older sibling bond (except Jason is closer in age to Tim than he is to Dick sooo actually let's just leave older sibling things to Dick and Cass... not that Cass is much older than Jason though so LOL this is why Dick has to lone the oldest sibling thing by himself... which is funny because Dick is technically no longer the oldest sibling, he's a baby brother now... except Dick and Melinda's relationship really hasn't progressed much sooo you could say they share blood but don't consider each other family yet, in which case, Dick is still the oldest... I mean, regardless, Dick is the oldest sibling of the Waynes... god why did they have to make all of this so difficult 😫).
#jason's like blerghhh dad always loved you best. but also hey we should work together bc you're a killer like me#and then jason's also like hey dick you were the most amazing thing i've ever seen and idk you're cool but i won't say that to you#and then he's also like hey dick i've got girl advice for you and i also need your opinion on my hair. oh now bane is trying to kill us#and then he's also like oh you got amnesia? i don't give a fuck about you and maybe i'll kill you#and he's also like oh you trust me? okay well... we're brothers and i'm gonna save you#and then dick's like oh hey kid call me if you need me. oh you died? i am literally devastated i'm so sorry#and he's also like wow you're very good at what you do but i don't trust you... okay but i trust the intel you're giving me sooo....#and then he's like why the fuck are you dressing like me and killing people?? quit doing stupid shit!!#and then he's like jason what the fuck are you doing--let me help you!!#and then he's like kinda indifferent to jason but jason is still Ugh this family is stupid why am i here#and then dick's like ofc i'm gonna come help you if you need me but also this is awkward af and things are weird between us so bye#except not bye because i'm staying here to help you and your team#and then dick's like i'm being controlled by joker so i'm gonna kill yoooou#and then he's like eh i trust you and i'm gonna help you bc we're brothers but you literally wrecked bruce's car you numbskull#and then he's like you're doing dumb shit and i have to take you down but oh thanks for not letting the train kill me#and then they're both like meh we're doing shit w the batfam even though neither of us should be here rn#and yeah that's how it goes. that's. literally it. writers cannot keep their relationship consistent in the long term#Dick Grayson#Jason Todd#relationship analysis#anon
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yeah sure that's how i'll [re]come out
#zymart#zymtalk#rant in the tags ->#okay listen to me this is really important and also i have a witness. this was not intentionally supposed to be posted on june 1st#the stars just aligned for this to be at its funniest. which means its also easier for me to dismiss LOL#i drew this like a week ago after trying to draw a whole like. 5 page comic about it and then stopping it mid-board#bc it was horrifying imagining being perceived that much. so i needed to make it into a joke instead and this was the funniest route#and then i was like 'UGH. UGH!!!! i can not be 20 and deal with this like im 13. if i dont post it by the end of the week#then [the witness to all my rants on this topic. shoutout to twig bc they got the most of it] can joke abt it as if i did anyway'#and now its the end of the week and i looked at the date and went 'oh my god didnt may just start what happened'#'WAIT ITS JUNE FIRST. GOD. THATS TOO FUNNY TO NOT SAY SOMETHING' and who am i if i dont prioritize the bit honestly#in all honesty. kinda hate it! not bc of internalized homophobia but actually bc of internalized arophobia that has somehow been emphasized#after having my brain shift from '1000% aromantic without a doubt no exceptions' to 'just arospec ig lol??'#but tragically as it turns out. you can not just try and self analyze yourself into speedrunning closure.#horrible news for the oscar zymstarz community frankly#SO i needed a way 2 justify shoving this off my plate and into the trash as fast as possible.#im impatient and cant acknowledge my own emotions. its a flaw im working on it#oh and for all the ppl who know the running gag abt 'my allegations' [i do not have any real allegations for anyone not in jems server]:#that was in fact just a running gag for like well over a year and a half. like that was just a long running bit COMPLETELY unrelated to thi#i only started having this weird sexuality shift or whatever not too long ago lol. like long enough to go through 4 of the 5 stages of grie#[evidently bc like. im posting this. i got close enough to 5 to throw in the towel ykwim]#but on 'oscar zymstarz emotional acknowledgement' time that is....... not long.#but yeah ig tldr like. still ace [thank god] just arospec [probably demiro? i hate trying to figure out my own labels] instead of Aro now#idk none of this is that deep but also like it kinda is unfortunately bc i have to actually talk abt it to be able to ignore it ykwim#but i did! we're done talking abt it now! and now i can act like i dont care and try to make jokes about it to speedrun the rest of it#anyway. Happy Pride everyone. Fukign kitty.#side message to jem. by no means does this mean im not still gonna bully you. its a sign of love but also it is you specific bullying 🫶#you are not safe#edit: this is karma for saying 'thank god'. might be demiace too. this is the worst month of my life /j
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I JUST REWATCHED PIWON MOVIE AND I HAVE THINGS TO SAY
#okay first of all THEY DEBUTED WITH A MOVIE !!!! that's so crazy every time i think about it im like woooow#jongseob and intak acting debut when ???? they were sooo good omg unlike kyo i didn't remember how bad he was 😭😭 but his#character is hilarious so it's fine <3 ALSO i completely forgot yoo jaesuk and jung haein are in it like guysss what are u doing here hihi#anyways absolutely oscar worthy real cinema if u ask me#now after taking notes and watching the new trailer a few times i think that p1epi is actually chaeyoons weird talking plushie#but since it's away from her it can't talk so that's why jongseob create that thingy to translate from#dog language to human language and i think it's there because maybe the members got like lost in time and#it wants to remind them that they have to save the entire world from the apocalypse#also p1epi came down from the sky just like the alcot meteor like ummm yes we love symbolism 🙂↕️#i saw someone saying the dog it's actually intak because the dog came through the window and intak wakes up next to one but it doesn't make#any sense to me so we're throwing that idea in the trash can#talking about intak hes now has blue eyes so that means he got infected but honestly when did that happen while he was fighting#some zombie? idk i think i have to watch all their mvs again for clues but what that means he's one of the bad guy now??#also i may be insane but what if the shop represents the world and seeing it in flames means the members couldn't save it and their lore#ends with the saddest ending ever like yeah sorry the apocalypse won#OR WHAT IF !!!!! they aren't the ones who can save the world they actually are the reason why it's ending like the masked ghost#actually created them to spread the virus and that would also explain them at the end of the trailer looking#at the burning shop without doing anything like they ARE alcot the meteor thats gonna destroy the world#but that would be too dark i know they're the heroes so it will have a happy ending#i have many theories but im starting to scare myself so ill shut up#pt
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YEAH YEAH WON A PRIZE AT SCHOOL TODAY LETS GOOOOOOO
#levi's school shenanigans#not ninjago#its this weird ass looking portable rgb lighting speaker!!!! some kind of cylinded thing (check the notes i put pics of it there)#i havent had one before and i havent tried it yet#idk what ill do with it but it was one of the huge prizes#(theres this competetion happening at school i cant quite explain)#my brother won last time and got money lmao#now he got earphones#and i won and got a fuckin SPEAKER#the people who got the flashes were so disappointed lmao#i swear when i tell u i screamed when i got it handed over#big prize is a hell yeah#and plus we're going on a school trip to and the people that got prizes are part of it#so yeah if i keep going with the competition rules i might go#last time i didnt and my brother was gonna go but the trip was delayed#it was only prizes#so fuck yeah we might go together
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dating an art student was so crazy I'm just thinking abt that one birthday I had where my ex got me stickers from the etsy of the person they were cheating on me with....
#they made them address the thank you note to me and everything ajskfjfkfb. i didnt know they were cheating at the time but wow...#every time i break out my sticker collection and see them im reminded of it. but i cant throw out the stickers theyre deltarune ones 😭#like they were a rly cool artist.... just unfortunate that happened 💀#the drama was insane. my ex only wanted to sleep with them but they (other person) wanted them to break up with me so they could date#but my ex dumped them rly harshly for suggesting that i guess 'romantic' cheating was a step too far even for them lmaooo#i heard abt their breakup secondhand and god could they be cruel sometimes. they made fun of the sex theyd had w them#to all their mutual friends n everything i actually felt so bad for the other person when i found out. at least our breakup wasnt that bad#i only finally got that cruel side of them directed towards me like a year after when they wanted us to stop being friends#but yeah. its also funny in a way bc my ex only suggested i had adhd bc the other person did too + struggled a lot with rsd#which i guess they found out when they broke up with them. and then looked at that and thought huh my gf is kind of similar...#and this was like. 2 years before i even considered i had adhd myself and sought diagnosis ahdkfidjcjdjfjfjfkdbfnf#this made me go look the other persons art page up on instagram + then i recognised some of their friends/flatmates art pages and i found#their (my exs that is) grad year film which is still being shown at animation festivals... good for them good for them#i dont think they have an art page themselves tho cuz they were always v shy and weird abt sharing art on social media#like everyone else except them is tagged on things... shame i wouldve liked to see what they were making now. even if we're not friends#also one of their old roommates made some REALLY similar squid game fanart to mine like a month after i posted it huh..#not mad abt it or anything i think its cool i just didnt realise they showed my art to their friends. thats cute#ah this was years ago anyway. getting my head out of the rabbit hole#im gonna go play some elden ring and then maybe do smth fun in my sketchbook we shall seeee#.diaries
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I feel like your approach to criticizing a certain fandom was the wrong way of doing it. Don't get me wrong, you are a hundred percent right about the lack of representation for certain characters. But you had to have known that you would've gotten backlash for insinuating that the only reason that content is being made is because people are... misogynistic? The characters are well-written; that's why they get attention. The women are also well-written, you're right! But instead of getting mad at the people who enjoy specific characters, you could contribute to what you want to see in the fandom. Make fanfiction, make art, talk about your favorite ships, talk about your favorite characters, talk about the head-canons you have for them, connect with other fans of those characters, make AUs with them, make the fandom you want to see! But I don't know what you were expecting when you come out and say in the tags "you must be misogynists for liking these characters and you must be awful people for playing around with AUs" even though every fandom on this website does that. That was hostile and was only going to get a hostile response in return especially when you specifically put it in the tags for fans of those characters to see. Because it reads as you insinuating that fans of these characters existing is why you don't get any representation of your favorite characters. Or, alternatively, that everyone only likes certain characters because they're misogynists who hate women characters. People make content of them because they like them and because they want to make content of them.
Want more content of the things you want to see? Pay or support the artists and writers who make that content or start making it yourself. Its not helpful to complain that some characters get more attention than others but then make no attempt to contribute to it in any meaningful way. You cannot just get mad at people for liking characters and expect the fandom to magically decide its going to give you the content you want.
This is a long-winded way of saying you are correct in that the fandom seems to hyper-focus on some characters over others. But the way you approached that discussion was combative, hostile, and unhelpful, and you're not going to motivate a community into making content by being passive-aggressive to the people making the content they want to make. Be the change you want to see in the fandom, or support the artists and writers who make the content you want to see.
Its like... You can't complain your garden isn't growing if you're not watering it and not adding seeds, and instead are blaming everyone else for having plants in their gardens that you don't like.
anon i dont know how to tell you this but if you felt the need to write a five-paragraph essay talking about how i need to be nicer to other people when i am pointing out misogyny in a fandom space then, well... actually, i dont know what to tell you other than the fact that i was trying to be aggressive and im not going to be civil about misogyny. my post wasn't made in the hopes of getting people to make more content of the women in borderlands because that would never in ten fucking million years work. it was not a constructive post. you are assuming i have some sort of goodwill about this and i don't. i wanted to be an asshole because, surprise, i am an asshole. funny how that works.
you are also pulling so much of this out of nowhere and putting so many words in my mouth that i dont even know where to begin with it?? i mean this in the kindest way possible nonnie but. this is a wild response to make when all i said was essentially "wow it sure is weird that the majority of content made for bl is focused on only three men when there's a full cast of amazing women to look at" and then "its also weird that people are making aus to erase the canon abuse and exploitation of a CHILD in order to make jack a good father". but thanks for the essay, nonnie. i guess.
#ask: anon#blight rambles#txt post#anon genuinely what are you doing here. what response did you want from me here.#im not gonna be nice about it because. this is my blog and i can do whatever i want. because again. this is my blog.#i wasnt trying to get more content or be civil or whatever the fuck#i was being mean on purpose. because i can do that.#also “the characters are well-written” in a borderlands game. yeah. sure. suuure they are. let's not be silly right now.#also what the hell is up with the vague wording nonnie?#why wont you say the game name. why wont you say jack's name. why not mention the au i talked about before?#is it because you know that its weird? why be so vague?#also again you pulled so much of this out of the fucking air. whatever nonnie#funniest part about all of this is that jack is one of my favorite characters. he is. but i can recognize that the abundance of content for#him and the lack of it for anyone who isn't one of the Other Two. since apparently we're being vague here. is weird#i also like the other two. so we're clear. this isnt a case of me not liking them. i DO like them and i still know its weird.#ah fandom discourse on tumblr dot com. i love you so dearly
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gem youre being a real trooper
#ok so like. the magic anon they sent me was 'dororo has the mind of a 2 year old for 10 asks'. right.#and im like. hmm. ok. i see.#i would be willing to go through with that. but i would not be comfortable posting that publicly.#so what we're going to do between k66 and shuraraclub is that i am going to answer to the extent that i am comfortable.#and we are going to be very chill and normal and pg about it. because shuraraclub has a big 'dont interact if youre gonna be weird' on it.#+ im pretty sure that user is a kid so like yeah. Cautiously engaging#i'll cut it off if at any point i go 'hrm no im not doing that'#its a strange situation.
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my mom [not here but just, in general, very very frequently]: I didn't do christmas cards on time/ at all, I am SUCH a piece of SHIT, LMAO
her sister: you know I've often wondered if we're not all neurodivergent, which would explain everything 🤔 either way it's completely understandable and absolutely okay that you're doing the best with what you've got💕
#it's so funny how much of my shame is inherited from my mom loudly decrying herself constantly and without provocation lmao#my mom: haha look at us rocking back and forth like we're CRAZY lmaooo something's WRONG with us LOL#me who hadn't even noticed until that very moment that other people don't sway back and forth while standing still: wh. okay???#thanks for leaving me out of THAT insecurity until I was an adult and old enough to think you're being weird instead of absorbing it#my mom often does an... understandable thing that I also feel the reflex to do sometimes#which is acknowledge my shortcomings so people understand that I Know I'm being [shitty/ disappointing/ frustrating/ etc]#but man she does it SO much and leans on it SO hard with no concept of collateral damage#my mom: I forgot to do that thing because I'm a STUPID DIPSHIT ASSHOLE MORON. GOD. lol.#me who also forgets things and is unintentionally inconvenient and frustrating sometimes: ........ yeah#most of my 'you SHOULD Just Be Able To Do Thing and should be ashamed of yourself if you can't because it's EASY'#comes not from neurotypical people who don't get it but from my mom who feels the same way about herself :Ia#anyway I feel like there was another time on facebook that more clearly illustrated#this really specific dynamic of my mom going 'haha I also do that! because I'm stupid and terrible!'#and then my aunt commenting directly after her like 'I also do that! I think the whole family's Just Wired Differently and it's okay'#uh in unrelated news I don't even know if I'm gonna manage a card this year. I haven't started one :')#just being alive has been too overwhelming this season and it's really frustrating but whateverrrr#about me#posts from facebook
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ugghhh wintertime sucks!! I'm sad and tired and sad all the time.. I need a nap.. and f/o cuddles.. and another nap..
#ash rambles 💚#negative#part of it is definitely the weather#it's so dark and dreary and i never wanna leave my bed#but also just. my mood akdjajs I'm kinda down in the dumps today#im recovering from being sick which always fucks me up#and i just cant shake this feeling of anxiety..? and i feel kinda a lot like my f/os wouldnt like me or would fall out of love or never see#me as more than a friend and other stuff like that#i.. actually got broken up with yesterday irl!#it wasnt messy. he said that this isnt what he wanted and it was fine and we're back to being pals. i wasnt sad at all in the moment and#i dont think i am now..? it's weird. we were laughing like always literal minutes after having the chat. when we got together we said that#if things domt work out we wanna keep being friends. and we're doing just that. honestly i saw it coming and idek if i LOVE him anymore#what even does love feel like..? regardless I'm not upset or sad at my breakup since i saw it coming and I'm honestly happy he just. Talked#to me about it. we communicated and then three minutes later went back to talking about x.enoblade LMAAOO it was fun!#but it is ridiculous for me to expect to feel NOTHING at no longer being in a relationship. i cant just feel nothing. i dont feel sad per s#just... in my thoughts i guess? I don't think the feeling of my f/os not liking me stems from me being dumped though. i think thats just me#being me sjdjaksj I'm very insecure a lot of the time. i dont think being dumped helpd very much though LMAAAOO#I'm doing okay i promise. and I'll be alright. theres just both a lot and nothing going on at the same time and i feel... idk what i feel.#i hope my f/os love me 😭 i hope that a lot#and honestly i know this community is ass and I'm more than happy in my own corner with my couple of followers but. ngl I've really felt as#though I'm not valued here and all that junk as of late. yeah just.. i think everything is happening at the same time and I'm tired and#i feel like I'm a confused kiddo who doesnt know anything anymore BAHAHAHA#holy shit it just sounds like i need a shower and a nap huh- I'll be alright I'm just. dealing with stuff akdjsks but i also hate to always#bring the mood down like this! i always try my best to be haha silly and all that shit. I'm just gonna try to daydream about f/o cuddles#(and try to convince myself they dont hate me ofc)#oh and. i know i mentioned this but. i hate the weather. so much. I'm sad all the time. November is actually my least favorite month too 😭#I've gotta study a lot today and I'll try to sneak in some k.urohyou and hopefully start watching monster too but yeah i apolgize if#I'm acting off these days ajdjajs I'm very stuck in my own mind these days. not exactly the most fun place to be 😭#delete later#i mean akdjajs i literally started crying the other day because my friend said that my husband (k.yohei) loves me ajdkahdb come on ash..
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i think im allowed to assume someones consuming their kinks in a harmful-to-others way if I have first hand experience with them sexually abusing me, personally.
#do i think they always do it in a harmful way? no. because i dont see the world in black and white. statistically thats impossible#but i think its safe for me to assume the worst in this situation with this specific person. personally#instead of trying to make me second guess if i should be so harsh on my abuser and keep my arms closed entirely maybe#we should be confronting them on being a better person for once#yaknow instead of insisting that i need to heal or change or whatever and the fault all lies in me and never in them#food for thought#i promise me being disturbed by and wanting to avoid certain kinks isnt worse than them being sexually abusive. like i really promise.#if you think i do more harm being uncomfortable than they do by sexually abusing ppl then idk what to tell ya#and a lot of the kinks that make me uncomfortable and i try to avoid are the ones they have#forgive me if trauma makes me weary. i mean fuck dude it takes years for me to even feel like i can trust someone enough to be my friend#now you're telling me i hafta jump all the way to trusting ppl wont misuse their kinks towards me? im sorry what world do you live in#i already dont trust a lot of cis men for that reason it doesnt suddenly change just bc you're queer. i gotta know you're not#a sexually abusive creep to even BEGIN to touch the subject of kinks w you#which explains why me and my abusive ex never got that far in that conversation 😒#cis men have a lot of kinks that just hearing them makes me suspicious because personally i have lived with a cis man who sexually#abused me and was very secretive about his kinks and is the type of person to act one way but then is secretly a pos#so yeah im a little fuckin weary dude. im not assuming people with certain kinks are bad by default but id be lying if i said certain#kinks dont make me a little on edge to hear about someone having. and i'd probably take an even longer time sussing that person out#sorry but i just dont need to be sexually abused again. and for me rn avoiding that is being weary of certain things.#a lot of it is context too... a group of people pretending to be super familiar with me and wanting to dive into kink stuff right away bc#we're all queer so it should be Fine and want me to come to their place that i need to take a car to at night.... yeah gonna pass#but thats why im saying a good long ol' sussing is needed for me to feel ok. if you have an issue with me needing to feel like i#can trust someone to be around them thats just.... really weird. obv i cant always control that but i mean specifically situations i can#obligatory: none of this has to do w kink in public or anything this is all about my own personal life
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so they like me, a lot apparently, but we were chatting this afternoon and it was making me feel... worse about myself. and i can see that it will definitely not work out. and i said that i think i'd been developing a crush, but if i was, it's definitely gone now. and i'll have to see them every day for so long. geez
#and they're kind of one of the people who is “weird”#and is so relieved when you don't act weird about certain shit they say#but then you do something or say something that is for some reason “too weird” and it's like#huh??#yeah we're definitely not gonna work out even as friends buddy#you're great and all but no#and they were curious about my mental health story#and i mentioned the did/osdd1b#and they just#probably didn't even see it or read it#and if they did it they didn't acknowledge it#and that's something that's hard as fuck to share#so yeah#that's fun#and i have to reject them#and see them every day#woohoo
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still reeling over the fact that almost 2 months ago the guy i was talking to (not dating, but definitely 'seeing') took another girl TO MY AND MY ROOMMATE'S APARTMENT to FUCK HER ON OUR AIR MATTRESS while i was ON VACATION THOUSANDS OF MILES AWAY
honestly. how do i get myself into these situations
#followed by him being blackout drunk sleeping on our DOORSTEP the very next day#he said he thought it was weird i said i liked him so soon into meeting him#but he would constantly say shit like 'falling for you more now' and 'my friend told my sister i have a new gf now'#like OKAY HOMEBOY#so dude it's so fucked i'll give more details in these tags in case anyone cares for a lil more context#before my trip back to california for sdcc i talked to him#said hey i know we're not dating but while im gone for almost 2 weeks are we gonna mess around with other people? like where is ur head#he said 'you can sleep with other people because you have a higher sex drive than me but i won't be doing that but you go ahead'#and im like okay weird response but okay cool#before i ended up leaving actually i did end up hooking up w someone and when i came back to my apartment he said 'looks like someone had a#'fun night' but he said it like....in a salty fucking way and i was like ur not allowed to be mad bc you refuse to be in a relationship wit#me despite me LETTING YOU LIVE WITH ME AND MY BFF FOR THE LAST ALMOST MONTH#oh yeah that part too#he was evicted and was staying with us for a few nights that turned into almost a month#NO he did not pay rent YES he did eat all our food#YES im an idiot for not seeing his red flags sooner but i was infatuated#so anyway my friend goes 'he's salty you fucked another dude' and im like excuse me how the fuck is he gonna be mad when WE TALKED ABOUT TH#*THIS#now granted it was a day before my trip so it wasn't ON my trip that i slept with someone else#but im like. how are u gonna be mad im gonna go enjoy myself when you've made it painfully clear you want me but want 0 strings#so anyway while im in california my bff calls me like hey dude john is on our air mattress naked with another girl#i was like excusethefuckME#because 1. he wasn't supposed to be at our apartment anymore so i was surprised he was there at ALL#and 2. how are u gonna ever be living RENT FREE with someone and INVITE SOMEONE ELSE OVER TO FUCK IN THEIR PLACE#i could honestly go on but i doubt anyone read this far as it is#this situation has fucked me up#first red flag should've been his name being JOHN
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