#“oh my thank you sir- you're a kind man indeed”

[arthursfuckinghat]

Arthur Morgan is the kind of man to save you from harm only to look at you with his sorrow-ridden eyes and tell you how much of a bad man he is when you thank him

[caffiend-queen]

Oh, I could just EAT YOU UP! A Holidays in Hel Loki-Avengers tale.

I was re-reading this the other day when I should have been getting my new book "Captivated" finished. I'd forgotten how much fun it was writing the Holidays in Hel series... If you're in the mood for some creepy, sexy (not at once, thank god) Loki Halloween tale, look no further.

In which Loki and Mina realize that no holiday is safe from the epic round of truly bad luck that the Avengers have when celebrating the most innocent of times...

***

“You’re expecting me to do what?”

Loki was lounging - elegantly, of course - against a pillar in the huge common room where the Avengers tended to gather when not on missions or getting patched up in the Medbay. He was sartorial perfection in a bespoke Tom Ford suit in onyx. Mina paused from shoveling the candy into one of the massive bowls to smile at him, a little misty with appreciation over his sheer beauty. Her- not her boyfriend, the God of Mischief and Lies could never be called something so ridiculous, her beau? Her partner? Her… Apparently, Loki had been speaking to her because he’d paused, looking at her peevishly.

“Sorry, Loki. I was admiring how unreasonably beautiful you are in that suit, but yeah... just pass out some candy to the trick or treaters? For the media coverage? To make you look... uh... caring?”

Mina said the right thing, of course. The fine lines around his glittering emerald eyes faded away. “Of course you were, darling. This is understandable. I shall repeat myself. You cannot possibly…” He picked up a violently colored package luridly branded as “Unicorn Poop!” pinched between his thumb and forefinger, the way one might hold a dirty diaper. “...Expect me to touch these vile things, much less give them to children?” Loki’s sneer was quite credible, but Mina knew he was posturing. He liked children, though he would rather cut his hair than admit it. He had been shockingly kind to Amelia, Mina’s niece, last New Year’s when her skeevy brother and his wife dumped their daughter in her’s and Loki’s laps and hoofed it to the airport for a Caribbean vacation. 

“The candy is hideous,” she admitted, “but this is the crap kids love now, everything is ‘unicorn,’ or ‘poop.’ Or the blissful combination of both.” Loki tossed the lurid sweet back into the pile in the bowl. “Tony got a tractor-trailer full of the stuff from this candymaker he’s doing business with. The man is some sort of real-life Willy Wonka.” 

“Hmm,” Loki could even make a humming noise sound deeply disapproving. “Is that the bizarre little gentleman I’ve seen Tony squiring around the tower?"

As if he knew he’d been called, Stark strolled into the room, skirting the cases upon cases of candy piled high around the room. “I gotta admit, Horo, this is enough candy to trick or treat the entire state’s population of kids into a sugar coma.”

The man with him laughed, more of a high-pitched giggle that was startling coming from someone as hugely wide and tall as he was. In fact, his height and weight ended up forming a perfect shape of a square. He was dressed in a top hat and a bright candy-colored suit, with tufts of purplish hair sticking out at angles from his top hat.

“Remember when you watched Willy Wonka and the Chocolate Factory with me?” Mina murmured to Loki.

“Indeed,” he said, folding his arms, “this creature has managed to take all the most unpleasant elements of Sir Wonka and made them even more troubling.”

“Reindeer Games!” shouted Tony, “Come and meet another magician!”

Mina watched as Loki’s entire form stiffened. “Did he just refer to me as a… a magician?” Loki spat. 

“Uh, I think Tony’s already a vodka bottle in for the festivities,” she soothed. “Just ignore him.”

Nonetheless, she pasted on a smile as Tony led the bizarre creature over. Bypassing his host, the man whipped off his top hat, sweeping it low into a courtly bow. “Horatio J. LaDreamy at your service!”

They spent some time sorting through the cases of candy, Horatio holding up each one and exclaiming over its merits like parents with a baby picture. Mina attempted to go through the plan of having Horatio himself pass out the first round of candy for the media coverage. “It’s a really nice thing, if you don’t mind, Mr. ah… Mr. LaDreamy. And the kids will be so excited to meet you.”

“You’re just so scrumptious,” Horatio said, his voice hoarser now, perspiration dotting his upper lip. Leaning in, he held onto Mina’s hand, “I could just eat. You. Up.”

Her revulsion at this freak in his pink-striped shirt and his unfocused, glittering eyes was too great to hide, but his grin only widened as she yanked her hand away. “I have to…” Horatio was still staring at her greedily, and Mina backed away, “...go over… here.” 

She speed-walked over to where Loki stood with a look of profound boredom and a very nice glass of Lafite Rothschild 1999. Taking the glass from him, she downed it in one gulp. The tall, beautiful god looked down at her with the same shock and disgust normal people would reserve for murder, or terrible train wrecks. 

“You just violated that Lafite,” Loki said with deep disgust, “you just spat on it and threw it into the gutter of your untrained palate.”

“Don’t care,” Mina managed, taking the last bit of liquid in the glass, “I needed it. That man is a freak. A total weirdo.” He merely gave her his long-suffering, “Yes, I know this already” expression. “He just told me,” she said, still looking over Loki’s expensively suited shoulder at Horatio, who was now plying an unamused Natasha with an awkward-looking magic trick involving a deck of cards and a very long scarf he kept pulling from his sleeve, giggling with excitement. “He grabbed my hand and said the weirdest thing, he said, ���I could just eat you up.” Loki’s eyes narrowed, and she hastened to clarify, “He wasn’t hitting on me, it was creepier. Like he really was hungry.”

Loki thoughtfully eyed the man, who’d somehow gotten tangled up in the scarf he’d been using for his ‘magic trick.’ “Some of the vilest monsters I have battled were quite benign in appearance. I shall examine this creature more closely.”

But really, what happened next was no one’s fault.

***

“Three cheers for… uh...  the… Candy Guy!” Tony was deep in his cups and Mina was just happy he was still standing, thanks to an occasional nudge from Pepper behind him.

Horatio didn’t seem to mind, smiling benignly down on the happy Stark Tower employees, most of them waist-deep in Unicorn Poop.

“Thank you, Tony, my dear friend!” He spread out his giant arms to the crowd, “And to all of you, thank you for helping me bring joy to the children! They don’t want boring old chocolate bars anymore! They want bright, sparkly candy that will make their mouths tingle and their tummies tap dance with happiness! To be honest, friends, I could not do it without you.”

The crowd chuckled, smiling up at Horatio while slipping fistfuls of candy into backpacks, purses, and bulging pockets.

“No!” Horatio said earnestly. “I really couldn’t! The sweetest and kindest among you will guarantee that the next year’s production of the Unicorn Poop candy line will be bigger and better than ever! More than double this year’s output and keeping up to with demand. I just need one thing from you to make every child in the world hold a package of unicorn poop in their chubby little hands.” He looked directly at Mina and smiled, suddenly showing many, sharp teeth. “I just need you.”

There was a violent pink explosion, cotton candy shooting in all directions and sending a spray of crystalized sugar into the eyes and lungs of everyone in the huge room, coughing and wheezing until everyone could catch their breath.

“Where,” snarled Loki in his most severe, stentorian tone, “is MINA?”

“Wh- I do not see Jane!” protested Thor.

Natasha circled the room rapidly. “Bruce is missing!”

Tony suddenly seemed to sober up. “Hey, has anyone seen Pepper?”

***

“Wh- where the hell are we?” Jane gasped, hanging on to a sagging Shanice from Accounting, whose heaving chest showed she hadn’t weathered the abduction well.

Mina, leaning against a candy-striped pillar for balance, pulled away as she realized the pillar was clinging to her hand like the creepiest possible taffy, as if it was alive, wrapping tendrils of its taffy-esque substance up her arm. “Yuck!” she whined, trying to peel the substance off her new black blouse. “If I had to guess, based on the shittiest series of holidays ever over this last year, that that psycho candymaker from hell has somehow kidnapped us and we’re in his dungeon… factory… purgatory… of candy.”

“Right you are, sweet Mina!” Horatio happily approached the group, not seeming to notice how everyone cringed away from him. “You are all here as my very special guests! As the sweetest, nicest people I’ve met this year, you’ve won the Golden Pass to tour my candy kingdom!”

“A Golden Pass?” Mina tried not to laugh. The situation was too serious, but she couldn’t help herself. Horatio was wearing a top hat that looked suspiciously like the one Willy Wonka wore in the movie. “You mean a Golden Ticket?”

“No,” he answered cheerfully, sampling a flower that appeared to be made of lime green nougat, “a Golden Pass is even better! It’s a super-duper big honor!”

Looking around, Mina tried to find an exit. Please god, she thought, don’t let the Oompa-Loompa ripoffs come out singing and dancing!

Because it was an Avenger’s Holiday From Hel, it was worse.

“Are those…unicorns?” gasped Sun Lee, the sweetest girl in HR, who was always making cookies and bringing them to work.

Everyone turned together and sure enough, a herd of alarmingly cheerful candy-colored unicorns came trotting over to them, making some sort of unicorn-type greeting. Not neighing, exactly. More like a mean-spirited giggle, Mina thought dourly.

“Here are my babies!” Horatio held his arms out, greeting one unicorn after another with a kiss on the lips. 

Mina heard a faint “Ewwww…” behind her, it might have come from Maurice in Promotions and Marketing, who was edging away from a unicorn insisting on nuzzling into his neck with the same enthusiasm of a date on Prom Night. 

“Uh, they’re really… I didn’t know unicorns actually existed, though based on this past year you’d think I’d be more open-minded,” Mina said, edging away from the cotton-candy pink horn of the equine interloper trying to snuggle up under her arm.

Horatio beamed at her, oozing charm and a weird kind of faux innocence as he nudged another unicorn - this one a swirl of lavender and baby blue - at Mina, bookending her with mystical creatures. “Come, darlings, I’ll take you on a tour of Horatio LaDreamy’s candy factory!”

Mina could see Darcie gearing up to give him the Stern Talking To, and caught her eye, shaking her head. She’d been gripping her emerald pendant like it was Loki’s perfect cock since they’d popped in to this candy-caned striped hellscape. He’d find them and save the day, like always. She just needed to get them all to play along until he showed up. 

And when he did? She was going to suck his dick like she was mad at it.

***

“Here we are,” Loki raged, “in the - as Tony has repeatedly and tiresomely claimed - the most secure building on the planet, and yet once again, my Mina has been abducted. Again!” He was running his hands through his perfect ebony hair, and it unreasonably made it even more full and flowing over his expensively suited shoulders.

“Thanks, Severus Snape, but remember that my fiancée and another twenty Stark employees also got snatched?” Tony was furious and embarrassed, which served to make him even more annoying. He was attempting to drum some discordant rhythm on the granite bar top with spoons, and it was so unbearable that the even-tempered Steve was the one to reach over and snatch the silverware from his jangly hands.

“Everyone calm down!” Steve was at his most stern and Captain-ish and Loki watched cynically as the rest of the - as Mina called them - the Spandex Squad immediately obeyed. His handsome, stern gaze turned to Tony. “Where did you meet Horatio? How is it that no one knows the location of his factory? Everyone needs employees. Can we track him through the IRS? How did he get the kind of tech that could move that many people at once? Loki, is this magic?”

Loki was pacing around the last location of the lunatic candymaker as he disappeared from Stark Tower with his Mina. “I do not recognize the energy signature, but it feels more as seidr than technology. But all seidr… it leaves a trace. I cannot find one here.” 

Thor was absently swinging Mjolnir, nearly braining one of the waitstaff trying to clear up the candy carnage. He was desperate to smite someone- anyone at this point. Loki glared at his brother after another close pass from the hammer. “Brother, do contact Heimdal and ask for his assistance.” 

“I shall do this immediately!” Thor roared happily, striding masterfully to the elevators.

“A good idea,” approved Natasha.

Loki sneered elegantly. “I contacted Heimdal the moment they all disappeared. He knows nothing. But it will keep my idiot brother occupied while we work.”

Rubbing her forehead, she allowed herself to look vulnerable, just for a moment. “Then how are we going to find them in time?” Looking at him with troubled blue eyes, she said, “I feel like time is ticking down to something. Do you feel it?”

Looking out the window as the sun headed to the horizon, the afternoon light sending them all into sharp focus, Loki fought down an unfamiliar sense of panic. “If one looks to most of the pagan legends, sunsets are often associated with human sacrifice.”

“You don’t-” the blood drained from Natasha’s pale complexion, leaving her sheet-white. She thought of Bruce, his gentle smile and his kind way with those smaller and weaker than himself. “We have to get them out of there.”

“I assure you, my ocharovatel'nyy ubiytsa,” he said grimly, “I am quite in agreement.”

***

Every holiday, Mina thought as the unicorn prodded her in the back with his horn, every goddamned holiday. Would it really be too much to ask to get Halloween off from the Avenger’s holiday fuckups? My favorite holiday? Her self-pitying thoughts were interrupted as Horatio waved grandly and the massive pink and lavender doors before them began to slowly open.

“You may ask,” he puffed, “how my candy is so sweet? So perfectly formed and flavored? How it can be so addicting?” He beamed at the sullen group behind him. “Meet my secret weapon!”

Mina gulped and she heard a shrill scream from Carla from Banqueting and Events as she passed out. It was another unicorn. A gigantic-ass, monstrous unicorn whose horned head nearly brushed the top of a room the size of an airport hangar. She was violent splashes of aqua, purple, and fuchsia. But her eyes were the blazing red of hell and when she opened her big, horsey mouth, she roared, a thunderous strike that hit the group like a fist, making everyone cringe and cover their ears. There was steam rising from the floor, which was liberally splashed with red and dotted with… bits of something horrible. And popping rapidly out from under her striped tail, were- Mina squinted. “Oh, my god,” she groaned, “is that unicorn poop?”

“An A+ for the pretty lady in the front row!” Horatio said happily, “Yes, this is my sweet angel and the producer of the entire Unicorn Poop line! Glow in the Dark Unicorn Poop, Candy Corn Unicorn Poop, Peppermint Striped Unicorn Poop, and Fudgy Center Unicorn Poop, though that last one isn’t selling the way I thought it would.” His mildly puzzled expression cleared as another giant pile of candy flew from Big Mama Unicorn to be separated and packaged by some listless robots in the bright candy wrappers. “Anyway!” he continued, “So my beloved is such a good girl, producing pile after pile of delicious treats, day after day, 24/7. But a girl’s gotta eat, right?”

“What…” Jane’s expression told Mina she’d already put two and two together, “what do you feed her?”

Horatio’s eyes glowed, “Why, only the sweetest and kindest folks ever! After spending the week at Stark Tower and getting to know everyone, I knew I was picking the sweetest, nicest people there! And it’s perfect timing,” his giggle was alarmingly high-pitched, “because my girl is hungry.”

Big Mama Unicorn let out a terrifying bellow, and all the smaller unicorn guards nickered in agreement as the humans huddled closer together.

Loki was still pacing the spot where that candy-coated monstrosity had disappeared, taking his Mina and so many others with him. He had some hopes that as one of the captives, Bruce, at least, might still have the capacity to shift into his larger, angrier form. But he could feel the energy behind the seidr the top-hatted lunatic had used to steal Mina and the others. It was demonic. Straightening his tie, he turned to the others. “I shall return.”

“Wha- hey!” Tony turned to the others. “He shall return? What the hell did Mr. Wizard just say? Where is he going?”

Such was the haughtier and gravitas of Loki, Prince of Asgard and Rightful King of Jotunheim that not a demon dared approach him, the hounds of Hel whined nervously and hid under the furniture as he passed, still sleek and perfect in his ebony suit.

“Oh, it’s you.” The woman, clad in an equally dark suit and a sullen expression was lounging on an ostentatious throne, made of the bones of thousands of different creatures.

“Is that any way to greet your dear, dear father?” Loki plucked a bit of something off his impeccable sleeve, flicking the offending bit away in a flash. 

If her black eyes had rolled any further back, they’d be wedged against her brain stem. “Let’s dispense with the pleasantries, Loki. What do you want?”

“A bit of conversation, darling.” Hitching his trousers, Loki sat gracefully on a chair made of human bones and sinew. “We’ve a bit of an issue at the Avenger’s Tower with abductions.”

She shrugged, idly poking at one of the cringing shades with the toe of her sharpened steel boot. “And this concerns me how?”

“Hela.”

The one word was spoken in a tone so low that the granite foundations of the Queen of Hel’s throne shifted slightly.

Leaning forward, Loki’s eyes flashed a searing green-gold. “Do not feign innocence with me. That vile candymaker could not have managed this level of power as a mere mortal. What was your bargain?”

Hela sniffed, tossing her long black hair over one shoulder in a flounce clearly inherited from her sire. “Oh. That irritating little man was constantly bleating about his unicorns and how they got… what was the word? Oh, ‘hangry,’ and he needed the power to move large groups of people to the factory to feed them, and-”

“What did you say?” Loki shot out of his chair, face even paler, “Feed mortals to... his unicorns?” 

Hela shrugged, “His tiresome obsession with those silly creatures… though the monstrous procreator is quite ferocious. She would be an excellent addition to my Helhounds.” She chuckled heartlessly. “Perhaps I shall take her, along with his pathetic soul when it is due.”

In an instant, her furious sire was leaning over her, so close that her throne tipped back. “If a single hair is disturbed upon my Mina’s head, I shall tie you to the hack of one of your beloved Helhounds, and create a seidr that will force him to run through your pits of flaming tar and leave you upside down beneath the surface of one of them. For your continued good health, I do hope no harm comes to those abducted from the Tower.”

For once, his daughter didn’t have a scathing retort.

***

It was hard to come up with a plan, what with all the screaming, Mina thought, dazed and jostling to keep her co-workers away from that giant fucking unicorn from Hel. I mean, it really does look like Loki’s daughter spawned it, she thought a little spitefully. 

She stilled for a moment, ignoring the prodding from the unicorn’s pointy horn wedging just under her right shoulder and shoving hard enough to leave a crater in her back. “That’s it!” Mina gasped. Elbowing past her pink and blue guard, she shouted, “Hey, Horatio! You’re wrong! You think we’re the sweetest people in the building?” 

The candymaker was busy trying to shove Mario from Accounting closer to the gaping maw of Mama Unicorn. Horatio looked over his polka-dotted shoulder red-faced and petulant. “You just hold right there, little miss! It’ll be your turn in a minute!” 

“I’m not sweet!” Mina tried to pitch her voice higher than Mario’s screaming, but it was close. “I have a mouth like a sailor, you asshole! I really didn’t like Aama here-” she pulled over her startled co-worker in the Developmental Science Division, “because she’d always steal the good lab coats and I’d end up with one of the acid-stained ones. I ‘forgot’ to invite her to one of the employee lunches-”

“Hey! Really?” Aama said, looking deeply wounded.

“Sorry, Aama,” Mina said, patting her back absently. “Anyway, I am not sweet! Also, if you saw the kinky stuff Loki and I get into? I’m gonna give that lavender pony from Hel heartburn!”

“I knew you two were into some weird shit!” gloated Darcy.

“Oh, please!” Mina retorted, “You wrote the book- hell, you wrote an entire Wikipedia on kink!”

Her eyes widened pleadingly, and Darcy caught on. “Oh, yes I did! One guy, two guys… once there was a wheel of cheese in the room and a duck, and…”

Even Mario had stopped screaming to hear this.

“Also,” Darcy continued defiantly, “I - I shoplifted some peanut butter and cigarettes from the bodega down the street because I forgot my purse…” She’d come back the next day with a batch of cookies, an apology and the money, of course. Also, the son’s owner really liked her and had given her the peanut butter and the pack of extra-long menthols, but that didn’t help the story. “I’ve drugged Jane’s sandwich before! More than once!”

“You did?” Jane gasped, “You’re- why? Why did you do that?”

Her best friend sputtered a bit, she’d done it to force Jane to get some sleep after working in the lab for three days straight. “Uh… because I’m jealous of you and I’m… uh… stealing all your research! Yeah!”

Jane was bug-eyed with shock for a moment before she recognized Darcy’s wildly twitching eye was a wink and not a muscle tic brought on by sheer terror. “I don’t care, Darcy! Because… because… I’ve been selling it to HYDRA! So there! And I cheated on my taxes! Three times!”

“I stole my roommate's boyfriend!” chimed in Sun Lee, though they’d been broken up for over a year and her roommate didn’t even care, but… she had to top the HYDRA whopper and distract the crazy candymaker while everyone caught on. “And I pulled the last shopping cart in the queue away from an old man who was trying to put his oxygen tank in it!”

Even Mama Unicorn had stopped that endless bellowing, watching with a wrinkled muzzle as the weird confessions got wilder and more offensive as each of the desperate prisoners started chiming in.

“I stole my mother’s wedding ring!”

“I cheated my way through college!”

“My family disowned me after I burned my grandparent’s house down!”

“I- I- I ATE A BABY!”

They all turned - even Horatio and Mama Unicorn - to stare at Kevin from Ground Security, who was not a super inventive guy. “Too much?” he asked humbly, wringing his hands. “But anyway,” he continued, “I’m gonna give that lavender bitch food poisoning, so HAVE AT IT YOU CANNIBALISTIC FREAK!”

“There’s no reason to be rude,” Horatio said repressively, “and you’re upsetting my sweet mama here, her nerves are delicate!”

“We’re going to make you puke cotton candy for a week, you one-horned psycho!” Mina shouted above the others, “You are gonna suffer, lady! And- and- and-” She smiled evilly, “Mr. LaDreamy, your candy tastes like ass. And now we know why. Your Unicorn Poop really is complete and utter shit.”

“Shit! Your candy is shit!”

“Everyone’s laughing at you and your weird turquoise friend!”

“Your candy sucks!”

“Halloween’s going to be canceled if this crap gets out because Manhattan will be covered in kid vomit!”

“That’s ENOUGH!” screamed Horatio, his purple hair sticking out in tufts. “You’re trying to distract me from our sacred purpose here, putting a smile on EVERY CHILD’S FACE AND I WILL NOT HAVE YOU-” He broke off, face almost as purple as his hair and wheezing.

And Pepper delivered the killing blow. “Mr. LaDreamy, I intend to file suit with the FDA regarding your use of hazardous materials and a deeply, deeply unsanitary workspace. I hope your mama… thing there has other talents because she will be paying for your fines into the next century. I am very vindictive,” she added with a dark smile, “and I love making little men like you twist on the hook like a gutted trout.”

Everyone stirred uneasily. This was essentially accurate.

There was an ominous, low rumbling and it seemed like the blood-soaked factory walls were closing in on them. Horatio chuckled, a mean little gurgle that sounded like a truly beastly child’s. “Hush, now. Since you’re not nice, sweet people at all, since you lied to me- Well, there’s only one thing to do.”

Mina stumbled slightly, was that rumbling getting louder? It felt like the pink and red striped factory floor was shifting under her feet.

“I’d planned on waiting until the new year to debut my latest line of sweets....” He smoothed down his ratted fringe of hair and put his top hat back on. “But it’s time, thanks to you-” he said spitefully at Mina, “to introduce my new brand, Devil’s Food Delights.”

There was a bellow. A howl. The combined sound of a million souls suffering and the sound rose and shook the rafters as something burst through the floor.

“Aw, goddamnit,” sighed Mina.

***

“Can’t this thing go any faster?” groaned Bucky, who was hovering over Loki’s shoulder in a truly provoking way, nudging him absently with his vibranium arm and making him yearn to send his own godly elbow into the Soldier’s face. The pleasant thought distracted Loki for a moment and the seidr shimmered ominously. 

“If you don’t take yourself to the back of the jet and stay there,” he snarled, “the seidr will collapse and we must begin again.” He studied the aggressively pink cotton candy tone of his spell. “Due north.” 

***

The Stark employees clutched at each other, trying to keep from toppling into the pit now spreading on the factory floor, an ominous red glow glaring out from the hole. The screaming started up again as a massive spider placed all eight of its horrible, clawed appendages on to the crumbled concrete and hefted its pulsating, plump black carapace out of the pit. All eight of its beady crimson eyes were focused on Mina, who found herself shoved in front of Dante from Armaments and Darcy, who’d started hurling packages of Unicorn Poop at the monstrous thing. This was, unfortunately, the thing that turned its attention to their little huddle and it began scampering over the ruined ground toward them.

Their rescue came - by cynical fate - from Mama Unicorn, who was not happy about her potential dinner being taken away. With another rafter-rattling roar, she hauled her huge pink and blue bulk from her corner, stomping toward Horatio’s latest creation, which reared back with a shrill, chittering sound. From the back of the spider came shooting smeared charcoal and fuchsia eggs. “They’re wrapped in licorice-flavored cotton candy!” Horatio screamed over the angry whining from the smaller unicorns. “With a surprise inside!” he cackled as one of the bundles writhed and broke open, a teal-colored arachnid pulling free from its spun sugar cocoon. 

A blast shook the factory as one of the outside walls exploded, various Avengers pouring through the dust to the rescue. Spinning two wickedly sharp blades, Loki turned in a circle, looking for Mina. He found her - of course - standing in front of a group of cowering office personnel and looking rather nauseated.

“Darling!” Loki was on her in an instant, cradling her face. “You’re not hurt? Whose blood is this?”

“Uh… I’m not sure, but I don’t think it’s mine.” It’s not that Mina was not extremely happy to see her princely suitor, but she could not take her eyes off the supernatural train wreck happening right in front of her. 

Steve was turning right, then left, trying to figure out who to throw his shield at. Wanda was rearing back, trying to pull away her scarlet pulse emanating from her hands, while repeating “Ew! Ew! Ew ew ew ew ewewewewe!” Bucky had Darcy slung over one broad shoulder and was pointing an extremely large gun at random angry unicorns.

Tony’s mask came up on his suit and his angry brown eyes scanned the melee. “Who should I shoot? I mean, what the hell…”

Really, it was a toss-up. Mama Unicorn and Big Ugly Scary Spider Thing were tearing at each other- oozing lime-green blood and chunks of both being tossed into the air during the battle. Horatio was screaming at them, “Stop it! You will get along, do you HEAR ME?” But it was clear those two were having none of that nonsense. 

Ducking a flying bit of Big Ugly Scary Spider Thing, Loki turned to find Mina gone. She was writhing like an infuriated eel, trying to escape the surprisingly strong grip of Horatio J. LaDreamy, infamous candymaker and a man currently Losing His Shit.

“This could have been so simple!” he howled, “Your sacrifice would have meant the happiness of children all over the world! But no…” Horatio hissed the word, gripping Mina’s neck tightly and putting something to her throat, something scary enough that she stiffened. His maddened orange eyes met Loki’s. “But there’s always a backup plan!” He was chuckling, but it sounded more like gargling with a mouthful of tar. “You know the significance of the setting sun, don’t you, you insufferable Asgardian?”

Mina corrected from habit, “Oh, Loki is actually both Jotunn and Asgardian.”

“Shut UP!” Horatio screamed into her ear, “I will have my candy empire and if I can’t feed you to Mama Unicorn I will still close the deal with my dark mistress with a sacrifice in her honor. Ah, ah!” He pushed the thing - which turned out to be the tip of the currently disemboweled Mama Unicorn’s horn harder into Mina’s neck. “You’ll stand back, Mr. Friggasson!”

Loki’s hands gripped his knife handles, knuckles white with fury. If that candy-striped lunatic stabbed Mina with that cursed unicorn horn it was over. He knew there was no seidr that could reverse the effects of such a weapon. But with a casual flick of his fingers to the right, he very carefully began circling the two. “You don’t need Mina. Not when you have a god to offer himself in exchange. Come, now. Take the horn away from her neck. I shall drop my knives and surrender to you.”

Oh, Horatio liked that idea, he could tell from the creature’s excitable little wiggle. Mina was silently shaking her head, but Loki’s gaze darted right and back again. She tilted her head, nodding. And to the backdrop of the dying screams of Mama Unicorn and Big Ugly Scary Spider Thing, the candymaker began to rage about the unfairness of life. The excellent quality of his candy. His visionary status. And how cruel it was that Loki’s hair was more luxuriant and silky than his. But the time he’d started on how boring Loki’s ebony suit was next to his magnificently colored ensemble, the irritable god had thrust forward with three fingers and a crisp command: “forsvinn!”

Mina ducked. Horatio stumbled backward and fell on his ass in a rapidly spreading pool of taffy in violent shades of red and yellow. The tipped cauldron rolled back and forth in the corner. “Do not touch it!” commanded Loki as the other Avengers stepped closer, “You will never get free.” Indeed, the candymaker was on his back, kicking and squalling like an overturned beetle as the taffy spread around him in a viscous flood. 

Loki straightened his tie and put an arm around Mina as she handed him the unicorn horn. “So the guys have rounded up all our co-workers and they’re ready to get out of this candy-coated hellhole. But what do we do about the baby spiders and the leftover unicorns and him?” She nodded at Horatio, who looked he might actually be dissolving into his own creation of corn syrup and evil.

Pressing a tender kiss to her temple, Loki smiled unpleasantly. “It shall all… be taken care of. Come along, darling. I shall bathe away that disgusting scent of unicorns and perspiration from you.”

The lit-up monolith of Stark Tower had just appeared in the quinjet’s windshield when Mina stiffened. “Oh, crap! What about all of the kids coming tonight to trick or treat? We can’t give them the unicorn shit.” 

Natasha was flying the aircraft, but she looked behind her with a raised brow. “Do you mean the Unicorn Poop candy?”

“No,” said Loki and Mina together, and she heaved a bit. “It’s actual shit, Natasha. Unicorn shit. Big Mama Unicorn was pooping it out. Piles and piles of-” Putting her hand over her mouth, Mina turned away.

***

“Here at Stark Industries,” Pepper said smoothly, to the reporters clustered around the first group of costumed toddlers, “we’ve been concerned about good nutrition and the amount of sugar the average child consumes every year. So we decided to set a new precedent this Halloween by giving out toys instead.”

Steve and Bucky were tearing open boxes of Avenger’s action figures, stuffies, promotional t-shirts, and more that had been hastily pulled from the merchandise warehouse. Darcy and Jane were happily handing them out to the stream of children. 

“Thank you so much,” recited a five-year-old fairy princess, she looked down at the Iron Man figure she’d been handed. “Could I have a Loki doll instead?”

Tony yanked the doll away from her. “Here’s a towel, kid. Keep moving.”

***

“Where are we?” Mina gasped as Loki pulled off her blindfold. They were on a platform in a massive tree in the middle of a field, dotted with the last of the season’s pumpkins and filled with fireflies, lighting the branches and crisp red and orange leaves with a surreal glow. The platform held a huge mattress with many plump pillows and silky throws and blankets. A low table ran alongside the bed, piled high with bottles of wine and tempting platters of meats and cheeses, fruit, fresh-baked rolls. “And no sugar,” she sighed gratefully. She felt her skin tingle as he ran his fingers down her side and gasped as she looked at the delicate lace and silk concoction he’d “poofed” on to her. It was long, with a high slit in the skirt and a shamelessly low neckline.

“Spin for me, darling.” Loki made a twirling motion with one long finger and enjoyed the sight of his Mina happily spinning in her new dress. It flared out around her ankles and the twinkling light of the fireflies shone through the sheer fabric over the taut line of her thigh, the softness of her luscious bottom. Oh, how he loved her pert behind.

When she spun around again, Mina found Loki reclining elegantly on the bed, sipping a glass of wine and holding one out for her. “Come, darling. The dance is about to begin.”

“What dance?” she asked, gathering up her long skirt to make the awkward crawl across the slippery expanse of the cushions to relax against his long, cool body. Loki nodded to the edges of the field and Mina gasped.

Women, clad in black, walked from the cover of the surrounding forest to meet in the center around the tree. A bonfire surged up, lighting their serene faces as they began their song, moving around each other in a complex web. 

“Um, are we allowed to be here?” Mina whispered, terribly excited but a little nervous. She knew what this was- Samhain. Which meant they were in Ireland, which meant this was one of the most secretive and powerful of the ancient pagan clans. The women dancing ignored them and their luxurious platform, but it was clear she and Loki had been given a nearly unheard-of opportunity.

“Shhhh…” he murmured, and she settled back. 

Following the complex braid of movement was so fascinating that it took Mina a bit to realize that there were new dancers in the circle- shadowy forms that danced in and out of the circle made by their living sisters. “Oh... “ she gasped. The living and the dead twined back and forth as their song grew louder, almost a chant and suddenly the fire was burning hotter or something because she felt like every part of her was wildly overheated. She needed something to cool her, and- “Thank you Loki,” Mina moaned happily as he pulled her to her knees, resting that bottom of hers that he’d praised so often on her heels. Kneeling behind her, he pressed his broad chest and a very promising, prominent bulge against the small of her back. The chill radiating from him just made her skin prickle more desperately. She needed him! Why won’t he help her? 

“Patience,” Loki soothed, “watch the ceremony, sweet one.”

Mina blinked hard. The swirl of color and sound vibrated through her skin and settled into the base of her spine, spreading through her and making her gasp, pushing back against his hard, cool chest. Dimly, she felt his cool fingers spread her thighs, circling lightly around her wet furrow, the rough pads of his fingertips sliding back and forth, back and forth in a lazy way that made her half-insane as he circled her entrance, dipped lightly inside and moved back to lightly bat her clitoris. Finally, finally, he lifted her, the tip of his cock slick and wet from her.

“Put your arms behind my neck,” he urged, giving her shoulder a quick, sharp bite, enough to startle her into obeying him. The position made her arch her back, breasts thrust out as she strained to watch the movement of the dancing circle. Still, the women below seemed to ignore them as they continued their delicate dance between this world and the next. The heavy weight of Loki’s cock sliding into her made her clench down, enjoying his groan as it slowed his movements through her. It burned and stung a bit, just as it always did when Loki fucked her, but Mina relished it, craved it as part of the feeling of this god deeply embedded inside her. But the feel of cool lips suckling her clitoris made her let out a startled screech.

“Easy, darling,” purred Loki, lounging gracefully before her, examining himself buried inside her with interest. “I so rarely get to enjoy this lovely view as I take you. So sweet.” His diabolical tongue tickled her again, then lightly nipped one of her swollen lips. “Such a perfect, dark treat. And displayed so perfectly.” From behind her, Loki’s hands began toying with her breasts, pinching her nipples and pulling gently as the Loki below returned to his efforts, suckling her wet center, tongue stroking and fluttering along his cock sliding in and out of her channel. 

The sheer outrageousness of it - the intensity of two Lokis toying with her was too much and Mina’s head flew back, hitting his shoulder as she came. 

Trying to focus as the Loki below doubled down with chilly lips and teeth while seizing her bottom and moving her faster on his clone’s cock, she watched the night sky split, silver light streaming through and coalescing into shapes and shades of the Otherworldly.

“I have missed the play of nug-a-nug…” whispered one.

“Fadoodling they are, and so nicely…” sighed another.

“That’s putting the devil into hell!” shouted one of the more substantial spirits, and they all laughed in agreement, drifting lightly around the three joined together so closely that even the spectres could not see where one began or the other ended. But all the circling souls shuddered and sighed as the Lokis and Mina came together, glowing brighter and holding form for one perfect moment before fading into whisps again.

When Mina came back to some general form of awareness, she was wrapped in a velvety soft blanket, held in Loki’s arms as the other Loki waved down to the witches, still casually nude.

“Thank you for feeding our sisters!” called up the High Priestess. “To have them back with us again… our circle is complete. Farewell then.” She gave a sly wink to Mina. “And perhaps we’ll be seeing you again next year.”

Loki chuckled behind her, squeezing her gently. “There are so many haunts to explore,” he whispered in her ear, “enough for a thousand All Hallow’s Eves.”

Kissing his chiseled jaw, she said with deep satisfaction, “And no more creepy man-eating unicorns.”

***

Horatio J. LaDreamy sat in the smoking ruins of his factory, Big Ugly Scary Spider Thing and Big Mama Unicorn had torn each other to pieces and the resulting scuttle of remaining spider offspring being devoured by the few surviving unicorns. The acrid scent of burnt sugar stung his nose along with the strawberries and cream scent of unicorn blood covering his candy-striped suit. 

“How could this happen?” Horatio said peevishly.

“Because, you vile little man, you deserved it.” The smooth, cultured tone made him freeze in horror, and measured footsteps circled from behind him. Hela was strolling through the wreckage, hands on leather-clad hips. “How did you manage such a catastrophic failure in such a short time?” she mused, kicking at a severed unicorn hoof. “I did expect you back in my realm sooner than later, but even for you, this is simply pitiful.” Her elegant nose wrinkled a bit as she eyed his quivering form.

“B- b- but my beautiful unicorns!” Horatio wailed, “And my Devil’s Food darling and Mama Unicorn eating each other instead of those silly people! Hela, oh Dark Mistress, please-”

“None of that, mortal. Come along now.”

Horatio J. LaDreamy was a creature designed to strike terror into the hearts of the unwary, and a monstrous wave of empathy for the innocents he’d victimized slammed into him like a tsunami as Hela’s elegant hand rose, then clenched into a fist, tearing his soul from his body - leaving a withered, desiccated husk that collapsed into a pile of pink and purple dust.

***

Darcy lay on her back, panting and staring at the ceiling. “Holy shit, Bucky,” she wheezed, “if I knew getting kidnapped would turn you on like that I’d have done it sooner! I think I had an out-of-body experience on that fifth orgasm…”

She turned her head to look at him, he had his metal hand resting on his chest, still heaving from exertion.

“You know you’re some kind of sex demon with that tongue of yours,” she teased.

Bucky gave her a smile. Just a little one, a slight curve of those full lips that for him was the equivalent of tearing off his shirt and strutting around the tower singing “I’m The Man.” Then his head lifted abruptly, looking sharply in one direction, then the other.

“What’s that?”

“What’s what?” hedged Darcy, trying to yank her undies up her thighs.

His blue eyes narrowed. “I heard something. Like a neighing sound- “ He was across the room before she could blink, ripping the closet door off its hinges. 

“YOU BROUGHT ONE OF THOSE ASSHOLES BACK HERE?”

A little mauve and aqua-speckled unicorn cowered behind a stack of winter sweaters, whinnying in fear as Bucky towered over it.

“Stop it, you’re scaring him!” Putting her arms around the petite creature’s neck, Darcy looked up at him, her big, big, brown eyes tearing up a little.

He looked between the unicorn and his girlfriend. “Darce- honey are you insane? Are you remembering what these little bastards were going to do to you? Why would you do this!”

Sniffling prettily, she hugged the unicorn tighter. “Maurice didn’t do it! It was the big ones herding us to Mama Unicorn, he was-”

“You NAMED it?” he paced back and forth, pulling at his hair and absently wishing he hadn’t cut it so short. “We can’t keep a- wait, what is this? A mystical or mythical, or-”

“Arcane?” she offered helpfully.

“Enchanted?” He paced some more, watching the tiny creature burrow into Darcy’s generous bosom. Sighing, he sat down on the bed. “You can keep it for tonight. Tomorrow, you have to take it-”

“It’s not an it, it’s a Maurice!”

“You’re taking Maurice to Banner for a full examination.”

Throwing herself onto him, Darcy chirped, “Okay. Thank you, baby! You’re the best…” She proceeded to show Bucky just how much she appreciated him, and their moans were so loud that even his keen Soldier’s hearing didn’t catch the vicious little chuckle from the closet.

[lianaloverr]

4 𝙋𝙖𝙜𝙚 𝙇𝙚𝙩𝙩𝙚𝙧

Sam Goldbach x fem!reader

★

Summary: You've had a crush on Sam for 8 years, after another failed attempt to confess your feelings, you came up with a solution..

Warning: none

Word count: 1.2k

Hiiiiii!!!! It's been so long omgggggg, I hope y'all like this! This story was based of one of my favorite songs!

s

“”I’m sending him a 4 page letter, and I enclosed it with a kiss.”

“Yo, turn my music up?”

.

That's what I told my bestfriend Missy. “Alright.” she responded. “Hey, have you talked to Sam?” she added. “No? Why?” I ask kind of worried. All she did was smirk at me, I rolled my eyes. She loved to tease me about my crush. I’ve had a crush on Sam for 8 years, we’ve been friends for 13 years. When we were younger, we were inseparable. I never wanted to accept my feelings for him, but all the times I looked at him with pure love, and the amount of times I would get jealous at him introducing his new girlfriend’s. I just had to admit it eventually. But I never dared uddered a word about it to anyone, only my close friends. But somehow, some people caught on, but Sam was still oblivious.

I was scared honestly. Mama always told me to be careful who I love. And daddy always told me make sure he’s right. I took that to heart. But It felt different with him. Something I never felt before.

“You should text him.” Missy says, snapping me out my thoughts. “Yeah, yeah. Can you turn it up a little bit more?” I ask, “Text. Him. First.” damn, she's serious. “Okay, mom geez.”

Sammy 🩵

Me: hi sammyyyyyy

Sammy 🩵: hi bubba, is something wrong?

Me: no, I was just wondering if you wanted to hang out tonight? Yk, play some games, watch some movies, its whatever you want to do:)

Sammy 🩵: now bubba, when would i say no? Ill be there at 9

Me: okay sam, love youuu

Sammy🩵: love u too bubba

End of conversation

“Okay, I texted him. You happy?” I say snarky. “Yes, indeed.” She says standing up to hug me. “You know you have to tell him sooner or later right?” Jesus.. “Dude, we’ve already had this conversation. It's not the right time!” I slightly raised my voice out of irritation. “Okay babe;” she laughed. “There’s no need to be angry.” she said. “Yeah, yeah.. I’m sorry, I’m just stressed. You're right.” I replied. “Yes.. I know, I’m always right. But if you don't tell him, I will.” She concluded. I chuckled dryly. “Okay.”

—-------------

Me and Missy hung out for a couple of hours until Sam texted me telling me he was on his way. Seeing that I looked at the time and realized it was 8:30. “Oh crap. I gotta go.” I tell Missy, giving her a quick hug and rushing out her apartment door. “Okay, bye babe! Good luck!” is what I heard from the distance.

On my way back to my house, I get a phone call from Kat.

You: regular

Kat: bold

Heyy kitty kat!

Hii y/n/n! Whatcha doing??

Oh i'm heading back to my apartment, I got plans with Sam.

Y/n are you serious??

I know Kat.

Your playing yourself for him, everyone says he doesn't even notice you

Please Kat, let me have this. You don’t know him like I do.

Okay, whenever he doesn't show up I'll always be here.

Gee, thanks. Anyways I gotta go, I’m back home. Bye kitty kat!!

Byeeee!!

End call

I sigh and walk up to my house, excited to see that beautiful face again. About 5 minutes later I hear a knock on my door. Yayyy! I opened the door to be a little disappointed to see a pizza delivery man. (u thought that was Sam didn’t you?) “Hello, 3 pizzas for Sam?” He says. “Yes sir. Thank you!” I say as he handed me the pizzas. After I put the food down on the kitchen counter and look at my phone. That's when I saw a missed text from Sam saying he ordered pizzas. An audible “no duh” came out from my mouth. I text back with a “Got them!”

About 10 minutes later I hear a knock on my door. It was the one and only Sam. “Sammyyyyy!!” I yell jumping on him for a hug. “Hi y/n/n.” He replies, snuggling into my neck. “You surely took your time.” I whisper into his ear. “Oh I'm sorry, traffic.” He says. We stayed like that for about 10 seconds. “Maybe you should come inside hun.” you say, pulling away. You hear an audible groan come from his mouth, but he complied none of the less.

—---------

Sam ended up staying there for 5 hours and it was really fun. Y'all did a lot of stuff, and occasionally flirted. You thought it was really weird because Sam never showed signs of liking you. But at the same time he could be joking. I just overthink too much. On the way out the door, I couldn't help but wonder if I actually had a chance.

“Thanks for inviting me over Y/n, I had a lot of fun.” Sam says. “Of course! You're welcome anytime.” I replied. After that, we just stared at eachother. Wow, this is weird. It was like he was waiting for something, I just gave him a confused look. He just sighed and said, “Anyways, bye.” and rushed out the door. That was even weirder but it is what it is. Since it was 2:30, I decided to take a quick shower and head to bed.

The next day

—---------

It was currently 3:30 in the afternoon and I was up thinking all night. I don’t know why but when I tried to go to sleep, I couldn’t. But luckily, I know what to do with Sam now. I called Missy to tell her.

You: Regular

Missy: Italic

Hello?

Hii bestie!

Hiii babe, how was last night?

It was amazing! We played games, watched movies..

Did you tell him?

No but that’s what I was calling to tell you. I know what to do now about it.

Oh my god! Finally!! So what?

I’m sending him a 4 page letter.

… What?

It’s a great way to express my feelings without embarrassing myself in person.

That is… genius! How come you didn’t think of that earlier??

Honestly I don’t know! It just came to my mind after he left last night.

Yess! I'm gonna leave you to it, get it done and there as fast as you can!

Okay, bye.

End of call

I ended up sitting there and writing that letter for 1 hour. It was really a 4 page letter expressing all my feelings to him. The way he makes me feel. The way I felt this way for 8 years. The way he keeps me safe. How I hope when I get the courage to come to him, to promise not to diss me. I told that I was too shy so I decided to write instead of saying it in person. After all that, I contemplated putting my name on it, but eventually decided against it. I put it in the envelope and enclosed it with a kiss.

____

I sat there for about 15 minutes arguing back and forth with myself about sending it but I knew I had to, I couldn’t hide any longer. I walked out to the drop off box and left it in there. I walked back home with a scared but excited look on my face, in hopes…

˜”*°•.˜”*°•He would get it on time•°*”˜.•°*”˜

࿎࿎🎀

I hoped y’all liked it. I’ve missed you guys so muchhh.

[howlingday]

Gentlemen Weaver's Club

Jaune: Penny, I'm going out shopping. Is there anything you want while I'm out?

Penny: Mm... I want syrup cakes, like Professor Goodwitch has!

Jaune: I... don't know that kind, but if I find some, I will see about buying them for you.

Penny: Please~? Melanie Malachite promised to bring me a cake, but she never did!

Melanie Malachite did not, in fact, make such promises.

Jaune: I'll do my best. Be safe in here, sweetheart~!

--------------------------------------------------

Jaune: (Thinking) I'm so glad she and the Malachite girls are becoming such good friends. Blake has been very worried ever since Penny came home after her first negative mark. I need to do what I can to make sure their friendship lasts!.

Jaune: Oh, maybe those guys over there know where I can get some syrup cakes. But... What if it's too weird that I wouldn't know? Should it be common knowledge to know where to buy cakes? No! I can't risk it! I have to do this on my own!.

Neighbor: Good morning, Mr. Belladina-

Jaune: (Darts down the street) ON MY OWN~!

Neighbor: Ho ho ho... So lively this morning...

--------------------------------------------------

Jaune: Maybe there's a department store that sells cakes. Ugh... I've never been to these kinds of places alone. Maybe this was a bad idea?.

Vendor: Excuse me, sir, might I interest you in this parfum? One puff and you'll have to beat the ladies back with a stick~!

Jaune: A gas that turns women feral around you?! It's such a tempting execution, but I can't! I have to be normal!.

Jaune: Erm, n-no gas grenades for me, sir! I am a normal husband! I'm just buying sweets for my sweet Penny!

Vendor: Ah, you want the bakery! It's the next floor down.

Jaune: Thank you! (Hurries away)

Jaune: I was right! This was a bad idea! There's so many tempting items, I'd be out of money without Blake! I need to focus and find those cakes! For Penny!.

???: Can't you hurry, Charlem?

Butler: I... I'm trying, sir, but... You've bought so much...

???: Then stand aside and let me- Whoa!

Butler: SIR! LOOK OUT!

???: (Falls backwards)

Jaune: (Catches man and his boxes) You okay?

???: (Clasps hands) THAT WAS INCREDIBLE!

Jaune: What?!

???: You came in from out of nowhere, all- Swash! Swosh! Swush! You must be some kind of athlete? Tell me, are you from out of town?

Jaune: Whuh- N-No, I live here! I'm just here for syrup cakes!

???: Then you're not busy at all~! Please, join me, would you?

Jaune: No, really, I'm just here for the cakes.

???: Well, it's the least I can do! Charlem, gift him ten boxes!

Jaune: (Ten boxes in his hands) Whoa! So fast!

???: Please, I insisit!

Butler: Oh, athletic and acrobatic savior, please accept these tokens of my master's gratitude.

Jaune: O-Oh...

--------------------------------------------------

Jaune: ...HUH?! Why am I wearing this?!

???: Ho ho! It looks dashing on you~!

Man: Is this he, Argynt?

Guy: Our ringer?

???: Ho ho! Indeed, he is!

Jaune: Wh-What is going on?

???: This is the Genteman Weaver's Club, an organization of like-minded patriot husbands who serve our Kingdom however we can within our community! You're just in time for our track meet warm-up!

Jaune: Is... this normal for dads?

Sir: You don't know?

Dude: It is now! Daddy Tracksters are all the rage at the moment! Keeps us men fit while our wives work themselves to the bone on our behalfs!

Jaune: If... If track meets are normal, then... Then I will compete!

???: That's the spirit!

--------------------------------------------------

???: Ho ho ho ho ho! We may not have won, but even a loss is worth it to see the fear on East Side's faces~! And it's all thanks to you, Jaune!

Jaune: But... all I did was trample our teammates and knock people over...

Gent: That's the thrill of these track meets! Having a young stallion like yourself on the field serves as morale booster for ourselves and delivers a demoralizing shockwave to our foes!

Waiter: And what will the gentlemen be having today?

???: I will have the Espirit Coerlum.

Sir: What about you, Jaune?

Jaune: Uh... I guess I'll have a, espree-whatsit.

???: Oh, Jaune... Don't tell me you're one of those kinds of lads just trying to fit in. Order whatever you want.

Jaune: No, no, I'm completely normal!

Guy: So, Jaune, are you married?

Jaune: Yes, I am.

Dude: Any kids?

Jaune: Just one, but... I'm more of a step-dad than a real dad. Sometimes I feel like whatever I do is not enough. Even as a husband, sometimes I feel like I don't know what to do.

Man: HA! Welcome to the brotherhood, then! I've got a kid of my own, flesh and blood, and I still don't know what goes on inside his damn head!

Sir: It's half the reason we get together like this!

Jaune: R-Really?

Jaune: Not knowing what to do... is normal?.

???: Oh, this is fun. I do hope you join us again sometime. Despite how we look, the Gentleman Weavers Club isn't as rough and tumble as you think.

Jaune: If... If you'll have me... I promise to knock over only the people I'm supposed to next time!

???: Ho ho ho! Now who's all rough and tumble?

Guy: Speaking of, Argynt, you won't believe this. My boy got himself a negative mark. Caught with a sandwich outside of meal time!

Jaune: Negative mark? Then... does that mean your son goes to Beacon Academy?

Sir: Oh? Do your girl go there? What grade?

Jaune: She's in the beginner classes.

???: Belladina... Belladina... OH! Goodness! How fortuitous it is for us to meet like this?! Do pardon my manners, as I never properly introduced myself. My name is Argynt...

Argynt: ARGYNT AQUOS MALACHITE.

[mediumgayitalian]

fic rec friday 3

hi!! welcome to fic rec friday. every week, i pick five fics i have bookmarked and rec them with a little review. check them out!

Memories Made by zjass06

"Hi! I'm Will! You're my new neighbour!" the blonde boy beams; Nico frowns in turn, peering curiously at this Will. "My ma' says not to talk to strangers," Nico replies as he sits himself upon the grass. Will plops himself down next to the dark haired boy, who giggles so purely it makes his smile contagious. "I'm not a stranger, I'm your neighbour! You live next to me now and we can be friends!" Or A few snippets of Nico’s life and how his friendship develops with Will, all within a much treasured treehouse.

childhood friends to lovers will ALWAYS be elite. to me. and the centrality of this treehouse in this fic is so fucking cute bc they absolutely are the type of nerds to have a treehouse they use well into their late teens lol

2. Mafia by @buoyantsaturn

Nico is the most terrifying mob boss in New York, and Will is his live-in doctor. A Mafia Au

MY FAVE SOLANGELO SERIES TBH. like is it toxic a little bit? yeah. did the second one make me squeamish? yeah. in the 6/7 years since its been posted, have i read it literally DOZENS of times?? you betcha. idk man theres something about the danger of it all. the insane mob boss and the doctor hes whipped for. SO SO much fun and so so so romantic

3. you stormed into the battlefield (of my heart) by fedyaism

“Doctor Solace,” he says, “would you be willing to tend to a foe?” Will blinks. (He had practically expected everything but this.) “I’m sorry?” “I need you to heal an enemy for me. Can you do that?” Grace asks in a tone that lets Will know that he wasn’t really asking. “An… an enemy, sir?” “Yes. I will send him to you.” “Of course, General.” (What else could he say?)

this ends ambiguously but i am Choosing to believe they find each other again and live happily ever after for ever and ever bc im a weenie. its just...man fuck the military and i got no fondness for war BUT this isnt real and ergo i can sigh dreamily at love that is inherently kind of tragic and all the more desperately beautiful for you, yknow??

4. It's a Process by @oh-hush-its-perfect

When Nico comes out to Hazel, she really isn't sure how to react. Of course, she loves her brother to pieces, but something is holding her back. It takes a while to get over old beliefs. It takes a while to become accepting. It takes Hazel a while indeed. A.K.A. Nico is gay and Hazel can't wrap her head around it.

contrary to what the summary may lead you to believe, hazel is NOT at all homophobic in this fic. in fact her number one goal at all times is to be supportive, even as she struggles, and you know what? thats more important i think. her love for her brother is so transparently obvious in this one, she spends like 8k words doing everything she can to make SURE she is loving and accepting!!! hazel i love you. also the campfire scene had me giggling fr

5. three times everyone thought they hated each other by lizamarri

and the one time everyone realized they didn't ~ ft. capture the flag, big three kids sparring, will healing nico and being sassy about it, and more. enjoy!

NOTHING hits as hard as flirt fighting. truly nothing. also 3+1s are my weakness i stg, theres just something about outside pov and the sheer clarity of how much they love each other and love driving each other up the wall lmfao

thank you for joining me this friday!! happy reading!!

[dedalvs]

hello sir

I have a High Valyrian grammar question for you

Context: it is a pretty popular fanfiction trend to have one character refer to another character as gevie (beautiful) - in the sense of a pet name not a compliment, like one might call their partner baby/lovely etc.

Problem: when I looked it up gevie is an adjective, and my one semester of Latin set off alarm bells of that not being quite correct.

if I remember correctly one would first need to turn gevie into a noun, and then decline it in the vocative case to make it a grammatically correct nickname.

There is a forum (Linguifex) which claims the noun form of gevie is gevives but I cannot locate any sources on this -ves ending nor how it would be declined.

my best guess from looking at a few different charts is it should look something like this:

gevie (adj.) → gevie + -ves (nom. noun) → gevivys (voc. noun)

Question(s): can you please explain this -ves ending/how you would go about deriving nouns from adjectives in HV

and specifically how you would create the pet name 'beautiful'?

[bonus: pet name 'flower' = rūklon → rūklos. Yes?]

many thanks

If you ever need to look up declensions, go to https://wiki.languageinvention.com/ (it's my site. It goes down a lot, at the moment, but everything for High Valyrian is there).

As for the question (oh, and, yes, rūklos), it kind of depends on what you want to do. If you want to call someone "beauty", you would, indeed, say gevivys, but you would be calling someone "beauty", not "beautiful". For that, I'd just use the vocative of gevie, which would be gevies or gevios. It would depend on who you're saying it to. If it's someone whose name is solar or luanr, use gevies; if it's someone whose name is terrestrial or aquatic, use gevios. Essentially you're choosing the gender based on the missing name (e.g. "beautiful Daenerys", "beautiful Daemon") or noun (e.g. "beautiful woman", "beautiful man", "beautiful star", etc.). Presumably the missing word would be known to the speaker (whatever they're thinking of) and inferred by the hearer, or would be commonly understood.

Incidentally, though, you were spot on about the use of the vocative! It should indeed be the vocative and not the nominative. There is a bit of a question of translation when it comes to using untranslated Valyrian in an English text, but if it's a character speaking English dropping in their own Valyrian, then, yes, presumably they would use the vocative.

[martiandmichelle]

OK, it's time to tell the story all my friends are on me to tell. . .

I'll start by explaining this blurry photo (as taken by my associate Kaatje). The morning the Southeast exhibition of my Agency opened (at 9:00 am) those of us who had a display booth were asked to be ready for an inspection by the staff beginning at 7:30. The convention center was nice enough to open for us at 5:30. The previous night I had gotten a call from one of the organizers asking if I could be ready by 7:00 and I'm like "Sure!" since I'm a morning person anyway. I arrived at 6:00 dressed as in the photo (it was unusually cold outside for early Spring). As many of you know who have attended these kind of things, the flow when you walk into the arena is usually you go right and the last booth you see are the ones of the far left. Well, I was the far left booth - though it was an unusually large booth. So I should be the last one anybody visits, right? Well, read on.

The lady pictured whose booth was next to mine was an absolute riot - friendly and funny. She's a 6'4" trans lady named Melodee. She and I hit it off immediately: short me with the monster boobs and tall Melodee with the long legs and schlong. We had chatted for maybe 10 minutes when I grabbed my bag to go change (after agreeing to go with her and her trans friends to a bar that night - "they're going to LOVE you!" she said) when suddenly her smile change to a gasp with an OMG look on her face. "What?" I asked.

"It's him, it's Mr. G------! The global CEO!" She acted like she was putting something on a table in her booth when there was actually nothing in her hand. "Be careful," she said quietly. "He's an absolute bastard." Then she exclaimed "And, oh fuck, he's coming this way!"

Melodee was suddenly a nervous wreck. I wasn't sure what to do; I mean, I've fucked my share of wealthy, powerful men and stared down plenty of assholes in the past so I just held on to my bag and smiled as he approached.

As he approached a big smile lit his face. "Good morning, ladies," he said as he got close. "You're Melodee, right?" he said shaking her hand. "What's wrong?" he then asked her shocked face.

"Nothing, sir. I mean I'm just surprised you remember my name," she answered.

"Not at all," he said. "It's important to remember someone's name, and, besides, I hear good things about you. Congratulations!" She blushed and nodded a thank you. He turned to me. "And you must be Miss Marti. I've been dying to meet you!" He reached out his hand and I took it. "Very anxious to meet you indeed," he repeated then bent and kissed my hand. I could see Melodee behind him mouth a long "Wooooow!" in my direction. He turned to Melodee and asked "May I borrow your neighbor for a few minutes?" She nodded and he directed me to the back of my booth.

"But you are at a disadvantage," he said when we turned to face each other. "Here, my name is Bas. Well, Bas G-------. But I won't you to call me Bas," he seemed more nervous than I felt. "It is only fair for me to say that I am the Global CEO of -------------- (my Agency) but I want you to forget that. I am here this morning because I wanted to tell you without others around that I am a huge fan of yours." His eyes roved to my chest, stayed for a few seconds then came back to my face. "Yes, a VERY BIG fan. And I wanted to thank you for all you do for the Agency's business and for my eyes - and, well, other parts, too!"

Where was this asshole Melodee warned me about? He was being very nice and charming. Bas was tall, the same height as Melodee, gray haired, nice looking, and fit, especially for a man in his late 60's. But I was most impressed by how this very wealthy and, in this circle at least, very powerful man only wanted to talk about me. So we had a very pleasant 15 minute talk, we laughed some, he spent a lot of time staring at my breasts - which I enjoyed - and then he had me autograph one of my photos for him.

When he took my hand to say goodbye, he had one last thing to add. "I am, unfortunately, very busy with business this weekend during the show, but I have cleared my lunch time today. Would you join me?" I said "yes" and he beamed, made our lunch plans, then left to spend a bit of time with the other girls and guys who were showing.

When he was away from Melodee and I she grabbed my arm as I left to go change. "Girl," she said. "That man adores you!" I waved her off and went to change.

I'll stop there. More to come!

Marti

[trans-peridot]

FFxivWrite Day 15: Deitrich 2

As promised, part two of Deitrich's epic tale. Shockingly, I have to warn for Shadowbringers spoilers? The lore implications are massive. Takes place slightly before ShB, though.

Deitrich liked his job. He got to direct adventurers and other customers to experts who he greatly admired. He got to talk up their skills, describe the great things their potions could do. He had a truly genuine enthusiasm and passion for his work that everyone could feel.

His sisters were doing great. Tammy was a hawker at one of the markets, and Milly was a retainer. He had taken this job, and indeed started early into the working world, thinking he would have to provide for them as the man of the house. But, lo and behold, they were two self-sufficient young women. Hells, the time when he broke seven ribs and couldn't work for moons, they had been the ones bailing him out!

All in all, his life was perfect. His sisters were happy, his dad was dead, his job was enjoyable, and Hyth'stryth'yxx, the cursed amulet he had forced a pact with as a younger, weaker man, had fallen quiet, no longer asking for horrific sacrifices in exchange for ultimate power.

He was going about his business one day, counting money and directing patrons, when a man who looked startlingly akin to the late Solus zos Galvus strutted up to him. “Deudalaphon, it's been too long, too long indeed. Listen, it's Emet-Selch, you know, like from Amaurot. I'm here because we seem to be frighteningly short on Ascians lately. Now I'd love to stay and explain the exact meaning of everything I've said, but actually that sounds like an utter bore. Now can you please take this soul stone and forsake your present mortal husk already? We have shards to rejoin and Zodiark to resurrect.”

“Well, sir, you see...” For all the customer service scripts Deitrich had stored in his mind, this was understandably not a scenario he had one prepared for. He decided, after a desperate internal scramble, to go with his script A Rival Guild Is Attempting To Poach Me. “I'm very sorry, sir, and honored by your consideration besides, but I find myself quite satisfied with my current position and am not seeking other employment at present. I must respectfully decline. Thank you for stopping by!”

“Oh for the love of- You fool, I'm not offering you a job, I'm inviting you to be part of a grand plan spanning well beyond your recorded history. One to return our world to its onetime unsundered glory! This is not something you can... respectfully decline.”

Just keep with the script. He could always rely on the script. “I agree, sir, the pay is generous and the benefits are no small matter. But I simply must put my foot down. Good day to you, sir.”

“Well I never! I mean that literally, I have never had a candidate turn down their position. You know what, you don't refuse my offer! I rescind my offer! What kind of seat was ‘appraiser of architecture and patron of invention,’ anyway? When Zodiark is freed and the true world is reborn, you're off the convocation!” The strange man vanished in a cloud of darkness. How strange.

Deitrich poured himself a cup of what his coworker called Greater Potion of Hard Booze. Even Hyth'stryth'yxx hadn't been so pushy.

[the-haunted-office]

🤯 be shocked by something — (For Doomsday? Very curious what could shock her, hahah)

Send a symbol for my muse to…

Doomsday indeed is not one who is easy to shock.

It could be said that she is easily shockable by nature, what with her tendency to react dramatically to things at nearly all times. The issue with that is, between all the time wonkiness in the Offices and all the moving about through time, space, and spacetime throughout the In-Between, timelines, dimensions, and literal outer space, she has been around for somewhere in the vicinity of "quite some time". It's impossible to narrow it down, to be precise, although outwardly she appears to be in her early thirties.

That said, she's seen some shit. Quite a lot of it, actually. And in having seen all that shit, shocking her has become quit difficult, except for where electricity is involved, and even that takes a fair bit of voltage and amperage to really get a reaction out of her, as it should come as no surprise to her that she gets a sense of enjoyment out of being electrocuted.

So that leaves us with the question - What in the hell COULD shock Doomsday?

The answer is very simple.

We arrive on the scene of Doomsday out and about, just out somewhere, it doesn't matter where particularly, she is just out somewhere, in a populated area, walking around, wearing her typical get-up of a pinstripe suit and her eyeglasses tinted to protect her eyes from the sun (no rabbit ears today, though, just her hair hung loosely and messily around her shoulders), minding her own business.

She's not up to any trouble. She's not up to any good either. She's not up to anything at all. All she is doing is walking around, just existing, just being for a little while, when a man approaches her.

She's instantly on guard. She isn't exactly afraid of him - she knows she could kill this guy in an instant and that even if he somehow were to get the upper hand on her, she'd respawn back at the Office - it's just that she doesn't exactly trust strangers approaching her from out of nowhere, uninvited. Her eyes pin on him, making him very much aware that she's spotted him.

But the strange man just smiles, and says, "I just wanted to say that I love your suit and I think you look quite dashing in it."

That's it. That's all he says. He tips an invisible hat at her - because he isn't wearing one - and walks away, leaving her... speechless.

A compliment. An untethered, totally non-rhetorical compliment on her appearance, delivered to her, without any expectations of anything in return, just out of... kindness and appreciation... and... that was it. Nothing more. Nothing less.

Nobody has ever done that before. Ever. Not once. It's always been attached to some kind of expectation that she fumble around for a response to give them, a shy "Thank you", or perhaps a sheepish, "Oh, well, uh, you know, thank you for noticing and saying something," or even a flustered, "Oh my, hehe, thank you, you're cute too, hehe." Something for them to feed off of. Something for them to look at, putting her on the spot, making her feel watched and like she'd better come up with the right response or else she'd fuck everything up, or like they're... just... expecting something.

But not this guy. He just... delivered the compliment, and left.

She's so utterly stunned by it she's stopped moving. She's just standing there in the middle of the sidewalk, as if she'd been actually stricken by a bolt of electricity and all of her muscles have locked her in place. She's watching the departing figure of the man and wondering if she should go after him, stumble through the crowd like in a movie, shouting, "Wait! Wait! Sir! What's your number? We should meet up for coffee, chat, hook up, you know, the whole nine yards."

But... she doesn't do that. She delivers to him the same kindness he delivered to her, only in reverse. She accepts the untethered compliment that he gave her without any expectation of anything in return, and goes on her way.

Maybe, if fate is so inclined, they will meet again.

[im-quite-happy-44]

salt, silver & iron... act one, part two masterlist

10th February 2024                         12:01am

The lift dinged, and I could hear a low whistle. "Straight into the office." They said, glasses reflecting the tall windows on floor twenty. "That's a classy move."

They were absolutely right. The open-plan space was the classiest I had ever seen, by far. A little divider in a straight little pattern matched the lamps, and the table legs : all silver.

"This is Sir John Fairfax's office." (He wore a suit, and a rapier hung from the top of his leg. Lockwood.) No shit, Captain Obvious. It's on the top floor, isn't it?

"This doesn't make sense. John Fairfax doesn't need us. He's famous, he's rich. He built Fairfax Iron-" He looked ready to go on but the other man interrupted before he could.

"He built this whole building." It was his foot (and longer strides) which reached the rug beneath the seats in the middle of the floor first.

"Don't you think it's a bit grim that -" Her steps were light, even on the hard wooden floor of Sir John Fairfax's office. None of the metal on her belt jingled as she walked. She was silent. Unnoticeable. "-someone's made this much money off the problem?"

"I deserve something for keeping the world safe at night." Sir John Fairfax turned out to be right behind them. They swung around, the person I was half sure was Lockwood in the middle. "Don't I?"

"Oh God, I'm so sorry." Lucy something? (I should've checked the files.)

"No, you're right, it is grim." He sighed, staring at them. "The problem has disfigured the whole world." Then, in the same tone, "You can come out now, Niki."

I pulled away from my hiding place. Lockwood took in his stride the fact there was a hidden spy there the whole time (the girl looked a little shocked, and if the other was much surprised he hid it quite well, just looking the slightest... resigned) and held out his hand.

"A pleasure. To meet you, sir."

John took his hand with small distaste.

"Anthony Lockwood." Eh, guessed. "Ah, George Karim and Lucy Carlyle." He said, nodding his head to each of them, respectively. "We are Lockwood & Co."

"Ah, of course." (He already knew they were coming, DEPRAC had warned him.) "The infamous." Lockwood puffed up a little -- perhaps he thought that was a good thing. "Well, take a seat. Under the sprinklers."

Lockwood looked up and laughed a little -- just to be polite, I guessed. He seemed to be the face -- and voice -- of Lockwood & Co. Makes sense.

༻🕱༺

"I have to say, we didn't expect to be dealing with you personally when we answered your ad." Says Lockwood, after they had all sat down on the one sofa (indeed beneath the sprinklers).

"We know." I said, standing straight beside Fairfax's chair (eyes turned to me as I had not yet spoken). I waved vaguely at Lockwood's crisp suit and tie. "You're underdressed."

Fairfax smiled underneath his hand (his eyes barely crinkled, but I could tell). He carried on. "It's a delicate situation." A pause. "Best handled discreetly." I could see Lockwood filing away that information -- putting together the pieces. I felt a little like he was the kind of person to be paid for their silence. "I have decided to... let go of a few properties, including Combe Carey Hall in Berkshire.

"Nice enough place, but it has a rather stubborn collection of visitors."

Eleanor brought a water jug and five cups to the little coffee table in the middle of the seats.

"Something I've worked very hard to keep out of the papers and about which my prospective buyer knows nothing."

I thanked Eleanor quietly, eyes still on the conversation.

"So you need it made safe before the buyer visits." (It wasn't a question, rather a confirmation.) Lucy's voice was soft and light, and didn't ring out across the room in quite the same way as Lockwood or Fairfax's did. The slightest bit of firmness with.. curiosity -- I must admit I'm not completely used to that tone, but I can spot the lilt.

Fairfax didn't smile. "Exactly. And I cannot risk damage, so there can be no flares or explosives."

As Fairfax continued, looking at Lockwood, I saw Lucy and George share glances. (Were they dependent on explosives? I hope not, didn't they burn a house down with a flare? That would certainly be a bummer).

"It's a dangerous job, to be done quickly and under the radar." He narrowed his eyes. It was time to hear the pitch. "I'm getting quotes from every significant outfit in London. So, to be frank, the only way an agency of your stature could get it is by underbidding."

I could see protectiveness brewing behind Lockwood's eyes. Strange, Lockwood was someone I felt I knew, perhaps in a past life. Maybe he was just easy to read. "Our service is just as good as our larger competitors, and we don't need to chase down cut rate jobs." Eh. No sense of smartness could hide that big of a feint.

"You lie like a politician." Fairfax said immediately. He saw it too, it seemed. "But I started out in casinos, Mr. Lockwood." He paused again, looking straight at Lockwood. (Drama queen) "I can always spot a bluff."

George seemed uncomfortable. Eyes turned to him as he leaned forward. "Do you think you'll get discretion from Fitz and Rotwell? Every decision they make gets debated by the committee."

"And you need something more..." Lucy trailed off, a little overwhelmed, I guessed.

"Nimble?"

"Yes," She said, giving me a grateful look, finding her voice once more. "Like us. A small independent."

"We are the only agency who can do this job the way you need it doing." That's a claim. (His eyes are very pretty in the light of the floor to ceiling windows)

Fairfax smiles (predatorily) "Nice pitch." The smile's gone. "But I work very closely with DEPRAC, and I don't think this is a job they'll let you do."

Lockwood shifts uncomfortably. "That's... why it's probably best they don't hear about it." I smile, a little mischievously.

"Rotwell just quoted me ninety grand. I won't pay you a penny more than the fine you owe DEPRAC. What is it? 40? 50?"

"60." Lockwood corrected him. "Actually. You're obviously a busy man, Sir John, so let's keep it simple." He crossed his legs, left over right, and put his pale hands delicately in his lap. "You pay our fine, and we'll fix your house. So... Do we have a deal?"

I looked at Fairfax's face. I went over to the cabinet, and pulled out a check. "20-40?" I said. He nodded.

I passed it to Lockwood, twenty whole grand on it, and his hand shook at little as he took it. I smiled at him. "Take the money and run."

༻🕱༺

"You seemed very... helpful, Niki." Fairfax sat, sipping the water as the ice slowly melted. (there was no lemon, I remember when Eleanor was first appointed, she put lemon in his water, and she was almost fired before you could tell Fairfax truthfully that you thought that unfair. Thank God he listened. It would be a very different job if he hadn't, that first time)

"You know I like an underdog, sir." I stood straight. He nodded.

"This is a delicate matter, as I'm sure you heard."

"I did, sir."

"Good. Then you will understand why you are being appointed to Lockwood & Co."

I paused. "Sir?"

"You will stay with them as much as possible. You will accompany them on the visitation to Combe Carey Hall."

I didn't really mind. I don't have any plans. You nodded. "Yes, sir."

He looked at you. "Dismissed." You walked to the elevator. "Oh, and, Niki?"

"Yes, sir?"

"If they can't fix this particular problem... Well. Clean up the loose ends?"

[justafairytailofinnocence]

Mind if I ask for POTC headcannon character x reader, their reactions to you telling them your asexual? (Cap Jack, Elizabeth, Will, Norrington, I dunno just whatever characters you wanna use for it?) ⚓

Hello dear 💖, thanks for the request.

How they would react to you being asexual⚫️⚪️🟣

Jack sparrow🍺

Jack would be on the ship. He was conversing with you about perhaps any adventures you wish to go on.

Jack even hinted that if there were, any guys or gals/people you like.

You looked at Jack with some sort of confused expression. "Jack, I'm not sure if I feel attracted to anyone," you looked down. "I have no desire to be with anyone, but I still want to be friends."

Jack smiled and placed a hand on your back. "Aye love, just means you like the sea more, you thrive on adventure."

"Ain't nothing more I envy then that" Jack smiled.

You nodded. You were glad he saw nothing wrong with you. All the times you were in Tortuga, and yet nothing happened between anyone.

All you desired more was to be a pirate and enjoy the sea without anyone tying you down.

You were still happy to be friends with people, just not intimate.

Elizabeth Swann🦢

Elizabeth was with Will when she saw you.

She questioned why you weren't socialising with anyone on board; morally, any lass/lad/pirate would be into Jack Sparrow.

You, however, didn't desire that. You had no desire to be with anyone and yet you couldn't explain it.

Elizabeth wandered over to you. "Everything ok y/n, you don't seem to be joining us."

"I'm, I'm not really sure, I feel like I should be desiring someone, but nothing, I don't feel anything toward anyone" you looked down.

Elizabeth wasn't sure what it was you were saying except she said, "Then perhaps you haven't met the right person."

You looked up at her and said, "I think there's nothing wrong with just wanting friends and enjoying the seas, I'm sure I'm asexual."

Elizabeth wasn't familiar with the word, she had no idea what it meant but she respected your decision.

"If it's friends you oh so desire, then that's alright, I would've once loved to be on my own" Elizabeth leaned on the side of the pearls railing.

You smiled back, hugging Elizabeth. You were glad she understood even if she wasn't sure what the meaning was.

Will Turner🏴‍☠️

Will was a passionate man in romance, he wanted nothing more then to be with Elizabeth.

However, when he hears of your thoughts on love, he questioned.

"So, is there anyone in your life" Will joked around.

You shook your head, confident in your words "unfortunately Will I don't desire that kind of life."

"I want to sail the seas and live freely. That's all I picture," you smile "encase your wondering I'm asexual."

"Oh, so, you don't desire to be with anyone," Will looked confused. "So that means you're like Jack, your life is devoted to the sea."

You signaled your hand to say 'kind of'. "It's rather more. I'm just happy to be my own."

Will understood your decision and didn't ask more.

James Norrington⚔️

James was an old fashioned man, he had no idea what the word meant.

James held you close aside from Elizabeth and Govener Swann.

"Miss/sir/y/n, I greatly appreciate your company, but I must ask if perhaps you would be kind in joining me for my ceremony." James politely asked.

You glanced up. You thought there was some hint in romance, but you had to clear something up before he thought further.

"Listen, admiral, I appreciate your generosity, but unfortunately, I have no desire to marry or to be with anyone." You smiled with confidence.

"I'm asexual, someone who doesn't desire to be attracted to anyone." You explained.

James paused for a moment. Of course, his heart was still set on Elizabeth, but the word didn't make sense to him.

"I-indeed, I had no idea such a thing existed. Are you sure perhaps you haven't found the right suitor." He asked.

"No, I'm sure." You place a hand on his shoulder. "I just want to have friends".

James still didn't understand due to the way he was raised. However, he still cared for you either way and respected your decision.

"Very well, to friendship." James smiled.

Hector Barbossa🍏

Barbossa was admiring his golden dabloons when he heard you coming in.

"Whaddya want" he growled.

"Sorry captain just thought I needed to discuss with you for something." You nervously said.

"Aye, can't-ch ye see I'm busy" Barbossa had a bad habit of being disturbed.

Barbossa watched you before you said "Captain, I think I'm asexual."

"A-wha" he questioned "is it some kind of scurvy".

"No, it's a feeling someone feels when they don't desire any attraction" you explained.

Barbossa understood, "Aye, then that be your decision missy/laddie/y/n."

"Just means yer less addle (stupid) then Jack" he smiled.

You laughed at Barbossa's reaction. You enjoyed being a part of his crew and not wanting anything more than that.

Barbossa didn't really care what you felt, only that you were good at what you're doing. He always thought Sparrow would've ended up this way due to his love for the sea, but then he does think otherwise.

Joshamee Gibbs🍻

Gibbs was sitting on a barrell drinking rum.

You came up to Gibbs, nearly scaring him. "Blasterous mother on the Port bow."

You say to Gibbs apologising "sorry Gibbs but i was wondering on what your thoughts are on me."

Gibbs looked up, confused. "I mean, about me being asexual, Master Gibbs I don't desire to be with anyone."

"Now why would thar be anytin' wron' wit tha" Gibbs smiled.

"Just means yer devoted ta' tha sea n' ye truly r' a pirate." Gibbs winked.

You hugged Master Gibbs, he was truly understanding toward your feelings.

"Now c'mon, le's go tell Jack if ye want ta mend tha' helm (the wheel)." Gibbs smiled.

Anyways that's all I have for now:

Ta Ta ✨️

[kingsdespair-if]

Hi Kroz!!! Hope you're doing good, I ADORE your writing and I am the conductor of the Veldon train that we all seem to be on hehehe I was wondering, how would he react to the 'there's only one bed trope'? 🥺 But like, since he's the resident playboy, I don't mean in a 'oh yeah let's have a one night stand that doesn't mean anything's kind of way, but Veldon in deep crush stage who is actually developing feelings of love and who hasn't slept with MC yet, slowly realizing that he can trust and open himself up and rely on this person and that he's slowly falling and the realization that this person could become his spouse and family and world slowly hitting him, if you know what I mean??? Like not him specifically horny but being nervous like MC is his first love and becoming so vulnerable and thinking 'Oh my God. I might love this person..' and wanting to hold them and be with them and not simply have sex, but make love to them, if you know what I mean?? Hope this makes sense, haha. Have a wonderful day and thank you for giving me Veldon brainrot, haha

Oh, hello again, dear.

Of course, you're my favorite Veldon anon hahaha I'll serve you well.

Let's see, another snippet for you!

~

[Veldon POV]

The rest of the group went to sleep a few hours ago, but MC was in the mood to stay awake, drink, and talk a little. Veldon, of course, decided to stay with them. When Veldon is around them, he feels like he can let his guard down. He even allows his fake smile to slip a few times when their eyes meet, and an unspoken connection forms between them. Today was no different. It's already late at night when MC decides to go to bed, and only MC and Veldon remain in the tavern, along with the employees. MC tries to stand up from their chair but almost falls due to the alcohol. Veldon quickly steps in and supports them. He knows he'll have to carry this drunken fool to the other side of the street where the inn and their other companions are, most likely already asleep.

"You know… Vel-Velvel. You're a nice guy, a good guy. Even cool, I like you," MC slurs in a drunken voice. "Is that so, darling?" Veldon laughs it off. This isn't the time or place to pour his heart out, especially in the middle of the street while carrying a drunk friend. "Yeah, I really do." "I know, you little stray dog. Let's get you to bed and we can talk tomorrow, okay?" An unintelligible sound escapes MC's lips and Veldon stops in front of the inn owner. "Excuse me, sir. We need two rooms for the night. We're with the other adventurers who arrived earlier."

The man hardly looks up from his newspaper. "Yes, they've already paid for your room. Since you're late, it seems you'll have to share." "Share? Excuse me?" "Yes, indeed. This isn't a 5-star hotel, so we have a limited number of rooms. There was only one left, and since you're the last to arrive, you'll have to share," he says, dropping the keys on the counter. "Room 13, behave yourselves. I don't want other customers complaining about noise."

Veldon takes the keys and pulls MC along to room 13. Opening the door, they step into a modest room with a desk, mirror, small bowl of water, and oh-oh... a single bed. "It's alright, you can handle this. Don't be silly, you've shared your bed with countless others before, it's fine," he reassures himself. "But this is different," his mind argues. "They're not insignificant to you," his heart whispers.

Veldon gulps loudly as he carries MC to bed, ensuring they are comfortable. "I'll sleep on the floor, you can rest," he offers. "No, silly… We can share. Come on, it'll be fun, like camping!" MC suggests. "Are you sure?" Veldon asks, his voice filled with nervousness. "Yeeeaaah…" MC replies, sinking their face into the pillow. Veldon carefully lies down beside MC, making an effort to avoid touching them in the small room they have to share.

The room is enveloped in darkness and silence, mirroring the tranquility of the night. Veldon's attention is solely fixated on the person slumbering beside him, with not a single sound to distract him except for their peaceful breathing. Veldon's gaze remains fixed on the ceiling, meticulously counting the boards and cracks, desperately seeking a distraction from the current situation. Suddenly, a warm hand gently touches his own, causing him to shift his focus downward.

It is MC, tenderly holding his hand with affection. Turning to face MC, Veldon notices their half-opened eyes and hears their sleepy voice. "I'm feeling cold… could you… hold me?" they softly inquire. Veldon's heart races, threatening to burst out of his chest, and jump in MC's embrace itself.

He quickly composes himself, clearing his throat. "Sure, darling," he says, opening his arms, and MC eagerly fits into his embrace. "Thank you…" they whisper before drifting off to sleep. Now Veldon finds himself unable to sleep. He thinks about the warmth of the person who has captured his heart, their breath on his neck, and how it would feel to have them hold him instead.

He wonders how their fingers would feel intertwined with his own and how it would feel to whisper "I love you."

[diary-of-dr-eggman]

AI Prompt: Write an entry in Dr. Eggman’s diary about the middle-aged man from Soleanna.

Dear Diary,

I had a rather amusing encounter today. As I was walking through the streets of Soleanna, minding my own business, a middle-aged man approached me. He was wearing a colorful suit and had a big smile on his face.

"Excuse me, sir, are you Dr. Eggman?" he asked, his voice filled with excitement.

"Yes, I am," I replied, wondering what this man wanted from me.

"Oh, thank goodness!" he exclaimed. "I've been looking for you everywhere! You see, I've been trying to start a new business venture, and I was hoping you could help me out."

I raised an eyebrow, intrigued. "And what kind of business venture would that be?"

The man pulled out a flyer from his pocket and handed it to me. It read: "Eggman's Eggcellent Eggstravaganza! Come get your eggs here!"

I stared at the flyer for a moment, utterly confused. "What is this?" I asked.

"It's my new business idea," he said proudly. "I thought, who better to help me promote it than the Eggman himself? After all, you're famous for your egg-based robots, right?"

I couldn't help but chuckle at this man's audacity. "I'm afraid you've got the wrong idea, my good sir. I have no interest in selling eggs, whether they're excellent or not."

The man's face fell. "Oh, I see. Well, it was worth a try, I suppose. Thanks for your time, Dr. Eggman."

He walked away dejectedly, and I couldn't help but feel a little sorry for him. But honestly, the things people come up with these days. Eggcellent Eggstravaganza, indeed!

Sincerely,

Dr. Eggman

[howlingday]

The Chopper Defense

Winter: So, you are Summer Rose's daughter.

Ruby: You... You knew my mom?

Winter: Indeed. For a time, your mother was often referred to as my arch-rival.

Winter: And not without effort on her part.

---------------------------------------------------

Many moons ago...

Winter: Nothing further, your honor.

Ironwood: Thank you, Prosecution. Defense counsel, you may now make your case.

Summer: Thank you, your honor. (Stands)

Summer: Ladies and gentlemen of this supposed jury, my opposition would have you believe my client has committed a crime. She made an excellent case, and I even almost believed it myself. But there is one glaring issue...

Summer: Ladies and gentlemen of the jury, this is Tony Tony Chopper. Chopper is a reindeer doctor on the Strawhat pirate crew. But Chopper ate the Hito-Hito No Mi.

Summer: Now think about that.

Summer: THAT! DOES NOT! MAKE! SENSE!

Winter: Oh no... Not the Chopper Defense...

Summer: Why would a reindeer, an animal suited for the Solitas tundra, want to travel the world on a pirate ship? THAT DOES NOT! MAKE! SENSE!

Summer: But more importantly, we must ask ourselves, "What does this have to do with this particular case?"

Summer: ...Nothing. Ladies and gentlemen, it has NOTHING to do with this case! IT! DOES NOT! MAKE! SENSE!

Summer: Look at me! I'm a lawyer, a servant of the justice system defending the rights of my client, and I'm talking about Tony Tony Chopper! Does that make sense? Ladies and gentlemen, I am not making any sense! NONE OF THIS MAKES SENSE!

Summer: So while you're back there, doing your deliberating and debating, creating and stating the plating of masturbating, does it make sense? No! Ladies and gentlemen of the jury, IT! DOES NOT! MAKE! SENSE!

Summer: If Tony Tony Chopper is with the Strawhats, you must acquit!

Summer: The defense rests.

Ironwood: ...O... K, then...

---------------------------------------------------

Winter: She was a one of a kind. Perhaps you will prove her equal given enough time. (Walks away)

Bailiff: Miss Rose, it's time to resume your case.

Ruby: (Gulps) Thank you, sir.

Ruby: (Thinking) Okay, Ruby, this is it. Time to make Mom proud...

---------------------------------------------------

Ruby: Ladies and gentlemen of this just and fair supposed jury, I ask you to overturn a decision made by my mother almost twenty years ago. I understand that my client seems guilty, especially so after twenty years of serving time for the murder a victim who they supposedly murdered, when in reality, it was the man my mother defended all those years ago who was convicted only just the other day. It's all very confusing, I know, but not as confusing as this!

Ruby: Ladies and gentlemen of the jury, this is Tony Tony Chopper, the reindeer doctor of the Strawhat Pirates.

Ruby: Now stop and think about that for one second. THAT! DOES NOT! MAKE! SENSE!

Ruby: Why am I talking about Chopper when a man's life is on the line?! Why? I'll tell you why. I DON'T KNOW! IT DOESN'T MAKE SENSE!

Ruby: If Chopper does not make sense, you must acquit!

Ruby: Here, look at the Monkey. Look at the silly Monkey!

Clover:

[hellsitesonlybookclub]

Little Women, Louisa May Alcott

Chapter 21

"Indeed, sir, I cannot tell; mother forbade it. Laurie has confessed, asked pardon, and been punished quite enough. We don't keep silence to shield him, but some one else, and it will make more trouble if you interfere. Please don't; it was partly my fault, but it's all right now; so let's forget it, and talk about the 'Rambler,' or something pleasant."

"Hang the 'Rambler!' come down and give me your word that this harum-scarum boy of mine hasn't done anything ungrateful or impertinent. If he has, after all your kindness to him, I'll thrash him with my own hands."

The threat sounded awful, but did not alarm Jo, for she knew the irascible old gentleman would never lift a finger against his grandson, whatever he might say to the contrary. She obediently descended, and made as light of the prank as she could without betraying Meg or forgetting the truth.

"Hum—ha—well, if the boy held his tongue because he promised, and not from obstinacy, I'll forgive him. He's a stubborn fellow, and hard to manage," said Mr. Laurence, rubbing up his hair till it looked as if he had been out in a gale, and smoothing the frown from his brow with an air of relief.

"So am I; but a kind word will govern me when all the king's horses and all the king's men couldn't," said Jo, trying to say a kind word for her friend, who seemed to get out of one scrape only to fall into another.

"You think I'm not kind to him, hey?" was the sharp answer.

"Oh, dear, no, sir; you are rather too kind sometimes, and then just a trifle hasty when he tries your patience. Don't you think you are?"

Jo was determined to have it out now, and tried to look quite placid, though she quaked a little after her bold speech. To her great relief and surprise, the old gentleman only threw his spectacles on to the table with a rattle, and exclaimed frankly,—

"You're right, girl, I am! I love the boy, but he tries my patience past bearing, and I don't know how it will end, if we go on so."

"I'll tell you, he'll run away." Jo was sorry for that speech the 267 minute it was made; she meant to warn him that Laurie would not bear much restraint, and hoped he would be more forbearing with the lad.

Mr. Laurence's ruddy face changed suddenly, and he sat down, with a troubled glance at the picture of a handsome man, which hung over his table. It was Laurie's father, who had run away in his youth, and married against the imperious old man's will. Jo fancied he remembered and regretted the past, and she wished she had held her tongue.

"He won't do it unless he is very much worried, and only threatens it sometimes, when he gets tired of studying. I often think I should like to, especially since my hair was cut; so, if you ever miss us, you may advertise for two boys, and look among the ships bound for India."

She laughed as she spoke, and Mr. Laurence looked relieved, evidently taking the whole as a joke.

"You hussy, how dare you talk in that way? Where's your respect for me, and your proper bringing up? Bless the boys and girls! What torments they are; yet we can't do without them," he said, pinching her cheeks good-humoredly. "Go and bring that boy down to his dinner, tell him it's all right, and advise him not to put on tragedy airs with his grandfather. I won't bear it."

"He won't come, sir; he feels badly because you didn't believe him when he said he couldn't tell. I think the shaking hurt his feelings very much."

Jo tried to look pathetic, but must have failed, for Mr. Laurence began to laugh, and she knew the day was won.

"I'm sorry for that, and ought to thank him for not shaking me, I suppose. What the dickens does the fellow expect?" and the old gentleman looked a trifle ashamed of his own testiness.

"If I were you, I'd write him an apology, sir. He says he won't come down till he has one, and talks about Washington, and goes on in an absurd way. A formal apology will make him see how foolish he is, and bring him down quite amiable. Try it; he likes fun, and this way is better than talking. I'll carry it up, and teach him his duty."

Mr. Laurence gave her a sharp look, and put on his spectacles, saying 268 slowly, "You're a sly puss, but I don't mind being managed by you and Beth. Here, give me a bit of paper, and let us have done with this nonsense."

The note was written in the terms which one gentleman would use to another after offering some deep insult. Jo dropped a kiss on the top of Mr. Laurence's bald head, and ran up to slip the apology under Laurie's door, advising him, through the key-hole, to be submissive, decorous, and a few other agreeable impossibilities. Finding the door locked again, she left the note to do its work, and was going quietly away, when the young gentleman slid down the banisters, and waited for her at the bottom, saying, with his most virtuous expression of countenance, "What a good fellow you are, Jo! Did you get blown up?" he added, laughing.

"No; he was pretty mild, on the whole."

"Ah! I got it all round; even you cast me off over there, and I felt just ready to go to the deuce," he began apologetically.

"Don't talk in that way; turn over a new leaf and begin again, Teddy, my son."

"I keep turning over new leaves, and spoiling them, as I used to spoil my copy-books; and I make so many beginnings there never will be an end," he said dolefully.

"Go and eat your dinner; you'll feel better after it. Men always croak when they are hungry," and Jo whisked out at the front door after that.

"That's a 'label' on my 'sect,'" answered Laurie, quoting Amy, as he went to partake of humble-pie dutifully with his grandfather, who was quite saintly in temper and overwhelmingly respectful in manner all the rest of the day.

Every one thought the matter ended and the little cloud blown over; but the mischief was done, for, though others forgot it, Meg remembered. She never alluded to a certain person, but she thought of him a good deal, dreamed dreams more than ever; and once Jo, rummaging her sister's desk for stamps, found a bit of paper scribbled over with the words, "Mrs. John Brooke;" whereat she groaned tragically, and cast it into the fire, feeling that Laurie's prank had hastened the evil day for her.

[eating-the-inedible]

So, just sit back and relax my lord, because it's time for you to meet today's eligible bachelorettes. And here they are. Bachelorette number one is a mentally abused shading from a kingdom far, far away. She likes sushi and hottubbing anytime. Her hobbies include cooking and cleaning for two evil sisters. Please welcome... Cinderella. Bachelorette number two is a kemp wearing girl from a land of fantasy. Although she lives with seven other man, she is not easy. Just kiss hers dead frozen lips and find out what a live wife she is. Come on. Give it up for... Show-white. And last but certainly not least. Bachelorette number three is a fire-breathing ????, dragon guarded castle, surrounded by a hot boiling lava. But don't let that cool you off. She's a loaded pistol who likes Pina Coladas and getting cut in the rain. Yours for the rescuing, Princess Fiona. So will it be, bachelorette number one? Bachelorette number two? Or bachelorette number three? -Two... -Three! -Two! One. No, no, no. Three. Pick number three my lord. Ok, ok. Number three. Lord Farquaad. You've chosen... princess Fiona. She's nice. Fiona. She's perfect. All I have to do is just find someone... But I probably should mention little thing that happens at night... -I'll do it! -Yes, but after sunset... Silence! I will make this princess Fiona my queen. And Duloc will finally have the perfect king! Captain! Assemble your finest man. We're going to have a tournament! That's it, that's, right there, that's Duloc. I've told you I'll find it. So. That must be lord Farquaad's castle. Aha, that's the place. Do you think maybe he's compensating for something. Hey, hey wait up Shrek! -Hey, you! -No, no! Wait a second. Look, I'm not gonna eat you. I just... It's quiet. Too quiet. Where is everybody? Hey look at this. Wow! -Let's do that again. -No. no. All right. You're going the right way for smack bottom. Sorry about that. That champion should have the honor, no, no... ...the privilege to go forth and rescue the lovely princess Fiona from the fireing keep of the dragon. If for any reason the winner is unsuccessful, the first runner up will take his place. And so on, and so forth. Some of you may die, but it's a sacrifice I'm willing to make. Applause. Let the tournament begin. What is that? Ugh, it's hideous. Oh, that's not very nice. It's just a donkey. Indeed. Knights! New plan. The one, who kills the Ogre, will be named champion. How about him. Oh, hey. Now, come on. Can't we just settle this over a pint? No? All right then. Come on. Hey Shrek! Let me, let me! The chair! Give him the chair! Thank you. Thank you, very much. I'm here until Thursday. Try the wheel! Shall I give the order sir? No. I have a better idea. People of Duloc. I give you our champion! What? Congratulation, Ogre. You've won the honor of embarking on a great and noble quest. Quest? I'm already on a quest. A quest to get my swamp back! -Your swamp? -Yeah, my swamp! Where you dumped those fairytale creatures. Indeed. All right Ogre, I'll make you a deal. Go on this quest for me and I'll give you your swamp back. Exactly the way it was? Down to the last slime covered toast tool. -And the squatters? -As good as gone. What kind of quest? Ok, let me get this straight! We gonna go find the dragon and rescue a princess just so Farquaad will give you back the swamp, which you only don't have, 'cause he filled it with full of freaks on the first place. -Is that about right? -You know what? Maybe there is a good reason, donkeys shouldn't talk. I don't get it Shrek. Why didn't you just pull some old Ogre stuff on them? You know, ??? . Grab his bones to make you brave. You know the whole Ogre trick. Oh, you know what. Maybe I could have decapitated entire village and put their heads on plate. Got a knife, cut open their spleens and drink their fluids. Does that sound good to you? A, no, not really, no. For your information, there is a lot more to Ogres than people think. -Example. -Example? OK, A-a-m, Ogres are like onions. -They stink? -Yes, no. -O, they make you cry.

Here's something someone put in the "anything else" box

Once upon a time there was a lovely princess. But she had an enchantment upon her of a fearful sort, which could only be broken by Love's first kiss. She was locked away in a castle guarded by a terrible fire breathing dragon. Many brave knights had attempted to free her from this dreadful prison, but none prevailed. She waited in the dragon's keep in the highest room of the tallest tower for her true love and true love's first kiss. Like that's ever going to happen. What a loony. Shrek Beware Stay out I think he's in here. All right. Lets get it! Hold on. Do you know what that thing can do to you? Yeah. He'll groan into your bones for his brains. Well actually that would be a giant. Now Ogres, huh, they are much worse. They'll make a soup from your freshly peeled skin. They'll chew your livers, squeeze the jelly from your eyes. Actually, it's quite good on toast. Back, back beast, back! I warned you! Right. This is the part, where you run away. Yeah! And stay out. Wanted. Fairytale creatures. Right, this one is full. Take it away. Give me that. Your fine days are over. -25 pieces of silver for the witch. Next. -Come on. Sit down there! And be quiet! This cage is so small. You wouldn't turn me in. I'll never be stubborn again. I can change. Please, give me another chance. Oh, shut up! Next. What do we got? This little wooden puppet. I'm not a puppet, I'm a real boy. Five shillings for the possessed toy. Take it away. No! Please, don't let them do it! Next. What do you got? Well, I've got a talking donkey! Right. Well that's good for ten schillings, if you can prove it. Oh, go ahead fella. Well? He's just a li..., just a little nervous. He's really quite a chatterbox. You boneheaded donkey! That's it. I have heard enough. Guards! No, no, he talks, he does! I can talk. I love to talk. I've talked to... Get her out of my sight! -No, no, I swear! Hey, I can fly. -He can fly! -He can fly! He can talk! -That's right, fool! Now I'm a flying, talking donkey! You might have seen house fly, maybe even a superfly. But I bet you ain't never seen a donkey fly! Seize him! Get him! This way! Hurry! You there. Ogre. -I. By the order of lord Farquaad. I am authorized to place you both under arrest. And transport you to designated resettlement facility. Oh really? You and what army? Can I say something to you? Listen, you were really, really something, back there. Incredible. Are you talking to... ...me? Yes, I was talking to you. Can I just tell you that you were really great back there with those guards. They thought that was all over there. And then you showed up and BAM. There was tripping on over themselves like babes in the woods. That really made me feel good to see that. Oh, that's great. Really. Man, it's good to be free. Now, why don't you go celebrate your freedom with your own friends? But I... I don't have any friends. And I'm not going out there by myself. Hey wait a minute. I have a great idea... I'll stick with you. You and me in green fighting machine. Together we'll scare the spin if anybody crosses us. Oh, a, that was really scary. Maybe you don't mine me saying. If that don't work, your breath will certainly do the job done, 'cause... you definitively need some tic-tac or something, 'cause your breath stinks! Man you've ??? my note! Just like the time... ...and then I ate some rotten berries. Man I had some strong gases leaking out of my but that day. Why are you following me? I'll tell you why. 'Cause I'm all alone, there is no one here, beside me. My problems have all gone. There's no one to derive me. But you got to have free ... -Stop singing! Well, it's no wonder, you don't have any friends. Wow! Only a true friend would be that truly honest. Listen! Little donkey. Take a look at me! What am I? A... ...really tall? No! I'm an Ogre. You know, grab your torch and pitchforks. Doesn't that bother you? Nope. Really? -Really really. Oh? Man, I like you. What's your name? A..., Shrek. Shrek?! But do you know, what I like about you, Shrek?