#‘she drives me insane tho’
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And when I thought things were finally fine and had calmed down my roommate starts sending me shelters because he wants me to get rid of my cat 🙃🙃🙃
#‘she’s peeing on my stuff ���’#listen I get that that sucks#but also…. we had a system in place that got her stop#I get putting cat spikes on the couches was mildly annoying but guess what#she wasn’t pissing on them anymore#and tell your bf to stop leaving your bedroom door open if you don’t want her to piss on your bed#like ?????#I know he’s stopped doing these things because the bf finds them mildly inconveniencing#sorry I’m not getting rid of my cat that I’ve had for almost four years and who got rehomed TWICE before I got her#because you have to put in a tiiiiiny bit of effort#‘she pissed on my shoes 😡’#she has literally never peed on shoes before I guarantee you it’s because I left for a weekend and she’s anxious#fucking calm down#you could also just not leave your shoes by the door#he already rehomed our rats because he found them annoying which I feel bad about#I didn’t fight him much on that one because they were more his than mine so if he wanted to make that decision whatever#but hell no I’m not taking my cat to a fucking SHELTER fuck you#‘she drives me insane tho’#okay well your fucking boyfriend drives me insane and you’re not seeing me demand you take him to a fucking shelter so lol#GOD this is not what I wanna deal with when I get home#and it’s just pissing me off cuz I get it’s annoying#but we’d gotten her to stop mostly and now it’s started again because of things 🙃🙃 the fucking bf is doing 🙃🙃#so like this is your own fault and you’re expecting me to get rid of my baby because your bf can’t be assed to slightly alter#how he likes to live which is apparently being allergic to just keeping the bedroom door closed#jfc#kaz rambles
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Picked out my favorite looks from my sketches and now they're going on a date
#wip#their height difference drives me insane btw#im not normal about it#charlie breaking her back just to kiss vaggie#im aware Vaggie's look would look better with heels but i feel like that's where she draw the line at femme clothing#like that woman definitely hates heels#tho i might look up cuter flats later#(sorry fashion isn't my strong suit)#hazbin hotel#chaggie
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sorry for haymitch posting constantly but the funniest thing to me is in his games there was nothing outwardly suggesting everything was poison but his paranoid ass saw fresh water and went "it's a trap" and the hilarious part is he was right
#:v#haymitch abernathy#the hunger games#Like his survided the hardest most dangerous games by not trusting anything#except mayslee and then you know. she dies bc he figured out the forcefield#The focus on forcefields in cf does drive me a little bit insane#in a good way I like the imagery of something used to trap being used as a weapon against the captors#does make me go a little crazy thinking about what this says abt haymitch tho#sure drunk 40 yr old who had his family murdered and was forced to watch 46 kids die isn't going to trust anyone#but why does a 16 yr old kid expect something horrible at every turn#to the point he only trusts someone after they save his life KINDA LIKE KATNISS HUH .#sorry those two drive me insane...........#Like yeah haymitch is also just incredibly clever to figure out the tricks but it says a lot abt his upbringing#healthy kids with healthy families don't expect everything to kill them is all I'm saying
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and when i live on my own ill be able to decorate like real life decorate ive never gotten to do that in real life b4
#like im not barred from doing it Nd i do like. a little bit kind of but its like. Idk my entire life is a very transient thing and im rly#rly rly not used to being in one place for a long time so as a kid we never rly decorated ever#and like obv i wont be Owning a house or anything like that so itll still have to be moveable but i can like. but furniture that i like and#stuff... ive never gotten to do that b4 even in um. wa. i didnt rly get to do any of the decorating even when i was in the actual house bc#him and the roommates umm. did all that. Okay well now ive sort of freaked it by making myself think of that so im going to go stare#longingly at the floorplan i did#bc umm. well ideally id like to move into one of the apartments thats right across the way bc theres a couple of apt buildings like right#there 5 min walk tops and one of the places Has an open one but no floorplan#i wont be movjng out for ages i just wanted to look at floorplans yk#but like i said no floorplans BUT theres one a bit further away not rly walkable bc its umm#youd have to walk on the interstate and stuff and um. no sidewalk and everything but theeeeeeeeee thing had a floorplan#still very close by like 2 min drive but yk. but i still did my little mockup floorplan with that apartment instead#i want it to be closeby so everybody can come visit and so that i dont die and explode . i dont rly want to continue living in this town#4ever once km like Normal and have savings and ive got everything worked out i wanna maybe move to chicago or something since il is better#for the transgenderisms. + ive always wanted to try living in a big city at least once and i think itd be awesome#but thats Ages and ages away like maybe 5 years depending on how good i am. weeee will see if 5 years in the future is like on the table 4#me LOLLLL 24 year old connor seems rly crazy to imagine. but anyways....#but itll be nice to move out and still be in town bc then i can have the same job yk . and maybe ill know how to drive atp and i can like .#buy a car ..or something . if i do know how to drive#which i probably should since this town very car dependent and i dont want my mom to have to drive me to work esp if umm. i dont live with#them ... im just rly rly rly rly rly fucking scared of driving but i know also in my heart that when i do know how to drive the bond between#me and that car will be crazyyyy like. idk how many of you followed me last year but you may remember my insane bond with angel my cart from#work and there was a lot gokng on woth that <- was Very delusional at the time and i was convinced that she was a sentient thing and had the#power to make my life better or worse if i upset her so i said good morning and goodnight to her every single day so that i could have a#good day . looking back on it probably was something to be concerned abt but whatever.... she is still my best friend and i do miss her#deeply#her bathtub and heater were my besttt friends when i was in wa LOL. i was quite unwell#bathtub is still in my room tho yayyy. heater lives with lamp now and angel is of course at my old job....#bathtub currently is holding a project i gave up on. everyone say thank.you bathtub im looking at her right now
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Me internally, everytime I have to agree to let someone do something nice for me: haha my schedule has been disturbed *bursts into tears*
#its frustrating bc my brain keeps me locked into these patterns that drive me insane#but if someone comes in with something disruptive from a place of good intentions its like oh boy u dont understand the amount of stress#youve just Subjected me to. bc i kno the the anguish will outweigh the enjoyment bc that's usually how it goes#so my brain is like no nonnonono say no but ppl dont understand that#they get annoyed when you try to turn away nice things so i just have to grin and bear it to not make them feel bad#which does not feel good#this time i got out of it tho bc i was standing in my kitchen sobbing inconsolablly and i was like actually fuck this#and my boss gave me an out when she texted me so i was like fuck this#bc i dont wanna celebrate paper submission and phd acceptance. theyre just things that happened whats the point in celebrating? ive got#better things to do but thats not the point ugh#i just need a lazer that beams my thoughts into ppls heads so they can just understand my brain#unrelated#me
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vocaloid puyo redraws except theyre mainly feli
#It's mainly feli bc she drives me insane#Also this goes out to that one person who reblogged my art thinking it was darling dance/orthodoxia art#To that person I am so sorry it was just nun feli and feli in jirai kei#But now it actually is#Society is saved#Also you reminded me that ive never drawn orthodoxia/darling dance feli b4 even tho those ideas drive me insane#Thank you#Also fuck you (/aff) 4 bringing up samsa schezo u have ruined my life#Anyways onto character tags#schezo puyo puyo#schezo wegey#feli puyo puyo#white feli#white feli puyo puyo#puyo puyo#puyo puyo 20th#puyo puyo fever#madou monogatari
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it would feel so nice to work towards a career that has meaningful impact and makes millions of people happy
#i follow this person cleo abrams on youtube and she's always talking so excitedly about scientists#and their amazing discoveries cool facts and she's so excited and starry eyed and hopeful#she genuinely just wants to educate people and has so much hope that we can make the world a better place#also like idk maybe unrelated but i saw the mv of new romantics and just. wow#say what you will about her but there's no doubt she's made an insane number of people happy SO HAPPY that they're crying#so many tours#idk i want#i wish my life was bigger#i feel so isolated and always just focusing on myself my career my health my enjoyment#what about everything everyone else#i keep trying to be completely okay with being alone i keep telling myself to not need anyone and be 100% independent#find happiness within hobbies interests#but it feels like a losing battle#i don't know i just. miss everyone 😭😭😭😭#but it hurts too much tbh always more sad than happy always more crying than laughing#i miss my bestfriend i don't know what i did wrong but she won't pick up my call she keeps saying she's busy#i don't want to be clingy because she hates that shit i don't want to drive her away but she's my only friend#i miss my fucking mom she doesn't care if i live or die obviously but i miss just having her presence in the house#and even tho my sister is here she's never fully present always on her laptop working#i wouldn't really say i miss my dad but wow it's been so long since mom and dad stayed together at home it was almost#always miserable but sometimes at the lunch table it was nice#i don't know everything and everyone is moving and changing so fast and i can't breathe under it and it's already september#but this entire year felt like a blur it's like everyone who left took a chunk of my heart with them#and i should be happy because im so close to the exam which will get me out of this house finally be financially independent#like i wanted since i was 11 i could finally start my life#but it all feels so. i don't know the whole future seems black like i can't imagine life past november 2025#how do you imagine happiness if you've never been happy?#and all these feelings are making it so hard to study and studying is so fucking important because if i don't ill be stuck here forever#and i don't want to go thru attempts fail and pass again atleast back then i had a reason first heartbreak‚ not getting to go to college#but what now why now i don't even understand i know objectively i do not have it that bad it's literally better even if i compare to my own
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have had two instances in the past few months of listening to a japanese song in a japanese context (specifically, one was an anime op and the other was off an album by an artist i know is japanese) and immediately clocking the vocals as having a korean accent. and being right. i do not speak either of these languages.
#the second one was driving me absolutely insane bc the singer in question almost exclusively sings JP#so i was like. am i just hearing this weird. her words are perfectly intelligible. and yet. something is Different#and lo and behold i managed to dig up some random artist bio that lists her as korean as well as a webseries she sang KR vocals for#her jp really is perfect tho like it rapid-fire rolls off the tongue faster than i could do so in english while completely clear#so honestly she probably speaks jp better than some native speakers lmfao (<-op is someone who can no longer speak their mother tongue)
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im in love w him not only bc of who he is as a person nd how drawn i am to his personality, but also bc i feel like he's the only one who has ever wanted to see me. who i am, like deep down. he's the only one who i feel like i've ever connected with, in an easy nd genuine way. the only one who i feel has ever gotten me. he's the only one who's ever made me feel like we actually have a connection we're both in on, bc i havent had to pretend or put up a fake front for him bc he wanted the real image of me.
#unfortunately he has his own shit to deal w#so bc of one thing that was actually a mistake from me#he misjudged it nd saw it from his own perspective nd didnt understand mine#nd thus concluded that he saw me wrong nd didnt actually know who i am#nd then he had decided that so strongly he wasnt wven open to hear me out or try to understand what that situation was for me#that made me very sad nd hurt nd like#he doesnt actually like me as much as i like him#bc i would always always ask him nd hear him out before jumping to conclusions#i have asked him abt this but he is a wall nd doesnt wnna talk abt it#nd i cant force anyone so... yeh. it is what it is#i wish that we had the connection where he wanted to understandwhere i was coming from#instead of being like ughshe isnt the perfect image that i had constructed#so now im writing her off completely bc she doesntlive up to my expectations#but... my heart just loves him sm i can look past that#however... that is meaningless when i dont even know what he feels for me nd i cant get an answer out of him#maybe he doesnt wanna tell me bc he doesnt return my love nd he knows i'llbe hurt nd he'll risk losing me as a friend#i'd never stop talking to him tho.. that is the worst part#if imginna get over these feelings#i need to hear it straight from him. i need him to tell me thatno i am not in love with you#then i need to never talk to him again nd never lookat his social media#then it will hurt a lot but after a year or so i will only feel empty nd not hurt when i think of him#but i am tooweak to be the one to stop talking to him now#my entire day revolves around him nd i know its unhealthy but idk how to stop#since this obsession is unrequited i dont actually wanna feel it#but i have no idea how to stop#god this is driving me insane wtf is wrong w me??
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i hate car centric infrastructure but most of all i hate how people have been conditioned to think its the only way
#'how do we improve traffic' well firstly we increase public transit options so people don't feel inclined to drive#make people feel as if driving isnt the only option#i do like the idea of riding the horse to uni tho#heel leuk#POINT IS people were saying 'oh we actually increase peoples car education bc people are shit drivers'#which they are and it's valid#my ex friend was awful at driving but i never said how unsafe i felt with her behind the wheel until after we fell out#and never did i say it to her#but i was more looking at less cars on the road type beat#its scary how people are conditioned to think around cars#even my mum is like 'all cities are car centric' even though she's been to amsterdam#sickening#and i know this is just me screaming to the void but one of the big reasons i want to move to nl is not bc im bsc about the netherlands#i am insane fyi i am very normal#but its because i can't bear to live a life where i have to drive everywhere#i would simply rather learn to cycle#or ride the horse to uni#anyways my assignment is about walkability now so i can blab on about amsterdam in the reflection
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facing the horrors (applying for summer stuff)
#ARGH#theres this summer thing i really want to do#it's my top choice#& app opened yesterday#the website said 30% of the ppl they hired applied in the first week & 50% of them applied within 2 weeks#so i need to get my app in ASAP!!#resume & cover letter done#i just need this 1 person to proofread my cover letter#but she is unfortunately the busiest person in the world#& hasnt gotten to it even tho i sent it to her 2 days ago#& i asked my advisor to be a ref but she doesnt answer emails during break#she is SUPPOSED to be back today but it is 530 pee em & no response#FUCK!!! 🤩🤩🤩#its driving me insane LET ME SUBMIT THIS!!#also#i have other apps to do#so many#im going insane#they all want different things#1 of them wants me to write a lesson plan#but its ok i'll do something fun for the summer i know it#k thx guys#pls pray for me#wahhhhh
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y’know i think the most annoying thing about trying to discuss reproductive rights with cis people is the complete and utter refusal to include trans people in the discussion. like they will only ever say “women” and if you dare to point it out it’s “well this is all being done to control women” or “‘people with vaginas’/‘people assigned female at birth’ is way too wordy” it drives me fucking crazy
like first off do you seriously think that the people who seek to remove bodily autonomy from women have nothing against trans people. do you think they hold zero ill will towards us. also do you think they view trans afabs as anything other than women.
secondly. NOBODY IS ASKING YOU TO USE BIG WORDY PHRASES LITERALLY JUST SAY “PEOPLE” INSTEAD OF “WOMEN.” WE LITERALLY JUST DON’T WANT TO BE EXCLUDED FROM THIS BECAUSE WE ARE ALSO BEING HURT WE JUST WANT SOME GODDAMN SOLIDARITY IN THIS BITCH. LIKE ACTUALLY JUST FUCKING SAY “PEOPLE” IT SAVES EVERYONE FROM WEIRD LOOPHOLES AND ALSO ENFORCES THAT WOMEN ARE PEOPLE FOR FUCK’S SAKEEEEE
#marzirants#my mom would say shit like this sometimes and it drove me fucking insane every single time#with her i truly feel like i have to pick my battles#bc 90% of the time she fully understands where i’m coming from! she understood the weird nuances of my queer stuff way better than any other#cishet i’ve met. ESPECIALLY considering she’s in her 50s#but every now and again she says some shit that drives me up a WALLLLL#i remember once i was talking about the language around it#and my mom brings up that she ‘disagrees’ with saying like ‘people with uteruses’ or whatever#and this kinda surprised me (she tends to catch me off guard with it) so i had no actual explanation for her#but i tried anyways i was like ‘well trans folks are affected by this too so it’s important that we’re included in the language’ right#and THIS WOMAN. someone who i know would fucking lay down her life if it were the best way to keep me safe#SAYS TO ME.#‘well this issue is about women. it isn’t about being trans and i don’t think the discussion should be derailed to trans issues’#WHAT????? W. WHAT HUH????#first off. this bitch goes hand in hand with trans issues we are talking bodily autonomy that is a huge trans issue#second of all. WHO THE FUCK IS DERAILING????? WE’RE ON YOUR SIDE WE’RE LITERALLY ASKING TO BE INCLUDED IN THE FIGHT#WH??? BITCH????#my mom is so fucking smart. but sometimes the cishet nonsense overrides her smartness and she says the dumbest shit i have ever heard#don’t tell her i said that she’d get mad at me. even tho it’s literally smth all cishets do
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it's crayz bc i know my sisters will vent to each other about me/talk about me when i'm not there but *i* can't do that with either or them bc they always tell the other and it's like 🧍🏻♀️ well who am i supposed to vent to then🧍🏻♀️
#like i can. but i also in the back of my mind am like well this will probably get back to the one i'm venting about and then she'll be mad#so like. i'll just subject you guys to it bc a girlie needs to be able to vent for sanity#saur annoying tho i'll show my sister Anything like i'll send her a reel or a dance vid (bc she also likes kpop) and she Always#has to nitpick every single thing about it and *she* knows best of course bc she did xyz 20 years ago like girl....#like i'll send her stuff being like i like this or i think this looks neat and suddenly she's an expert on singing and dancing 🧍🏻♀️#and i know some stuff you can be like well that sucked without knowing anything bc you have eyes/ears but she Is an expert ofc#like i'm not sending her shit being like omg this is the most amazing dance ever this person is a Perfect Singer...#she also has Such internalized misogyny that she will bring up unprompted and it's always word for word the same thing like you cannot#complain about our other sister saying the same things a lot WHEN YOU DO THE SAME...#not even just about that but like in general she will bring up a topic unprompted and it's the same spiel every. single. time#i know we all repeat things we only have so many things to bring up but like. it drives me Nuts it's like a script#and i don't think she realizes she does it given that she complains about other people doing it but jfc girl#but her whole being the most special person ever thing coupled with the i'm an expert bc i did this 20 years ago thing... driving me insane#and her most special person thing coupled with the internalized misogyny... once again you are in your 30s please work on that#like it's so tired. it's been done it's run it's course let's move past it
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surely they’re going to do something subversive with w*lter & misty right. surely they understand this character could literally never be in a normal dating type relationship even with a guy who is also a certified freak right. surely they understand the tragedy of her character - a tragedy of her own making - is that a non-wilderness love interest will never understand her fully, and a wilderness love interest is built on a secret (the black box) that can never be revealed so the best she can hope for and the happiest she’ll ever get is an intense weird mostly one-sided situationship with women who don’t like her but would hate her even more if they knew the truth. surely they understand she already knows this and yet she still reaches out and always will. surely they understand how boring it is make a male love interest a literal carbon copy of the woman right. surely they understand the reason her dynamics with the girls works is because of the differences in personalities right. right. right.
#also the crystal/walter parallels drive me crazy bc if she doesn’t kill him then it’s like#~he accepted her insanity when crystal couldn’t/didn’t~ WELL THE SITUATIONS WERE DIFFERENT!!! HE WASNT STUCK IN THE WOODS FOR 19 MONTHS!!!#also paralleling romantic f/m relationships to platonic f/f relationships pisses me offfffff#god she needs to kill him so bad. and she needs to flash back to her younger self like shauna did when it happens#crusty didn’t annoy me even tho they were carbon copies bc well weirdgirl4weirdgirl-ism is different. AND it was doomed!!#if walter isn’t doomed then what’s the pointttt. 😭 i just have the deepest gut feeling they rly have not understood her character 😭#and i hate that i can’t figure out what they’re doing with him / them / this plot line#it’s the one plot where i generally have zero idea of where its headed and not in the fun way!!!!#*
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my mother treats me so hilarously badly sometimes
#m#she thinks i get mad when my brothers come over bc i hate my brothers or smth which is not true#it does drive me insane she expects me to act as their maid while she dotes on them tho lol#she reprimanded me today for being so angry (i literally...wasnt i was just busy w work and didnt stay w them long)#and yelled at me for not doing smth she said she was gonna do....like......whats your problem lmfao#plus she constantly interprets my ugly resting bitch face as being angry at her or like gets sooo pissed when im not smiley cheery ...#deeply fucking insecure behavior. grow the fuck up oh my god
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i have so much life shit i need to complain about right now but everything just comes out as a garbled mess
#gonna make a divider here so ppl dont have to read my stupid tag rant if they dont want to--------------------------------------------------#(sorry i can never resist rambling in the tags)--------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------#anyway my mom is coming up here for my birthday after i specifically told her to wait & let me get her a flight for mother's day weekend#& she's staying for two fucking weeks#& there's nothing i can do bc she already bought plane tickets#i mean. i was excited for her to come up. but this amount of time is going to drive me insane#bc i already feel guilty that im not going out & meeting people enough (or really at all) & that's gonna be impossible when she's here#bc i'll have to cater to her the entire time#and i know she's just doing this bc she assumes i'm gonna be alone on my birthday (& apparently not have plans for 2 weeks after!!!)#but i like being alone & doing stuff by myself!!!#and ive been feeling guilty abt that too bc i know it's just hurting my ability to make friends which i apparently so desperately need#like ive been trying so hard to find events bc i already feel so ashamed of myself but i have no desire to actually go#even tho i know i need to#i wish i was the kind of person who's good with people instead of being overwhelmed by everything#so i wouldnt have to deal with all this shame & people wouldn't feel like they have to take pity on me#gonna try to be positive about i guess. been having a hard time doing that lately.
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