#‘oh i don’t know if i ever fit the weird little girl stereotype’

[mobliterated]

Okay me angy here I go getting riled up again! If I see any more pisscourse about ace/aro not being part of the queer community, queer is a slur, men are inherently evil monsters, I’m just gonna assume you’re a TERF. Ace discourse back in the 10’s is exactly how TERFs started their rise to power.

Start out by drawing a line in the sand that (awful) people agree with. Now there’s proof that you can start boxing in certain identities. That means (general) you can start making specific definitions for things.

Queer is now a slur again. Queer actually hasn’t been reclaimed. People agree with that. You’ve just torn down an umbrella identity that everyone was able to gather under and unite behind.

LGBTQIA+ is actually the Correct Way to talk about the queer community. Actually we need to drop QIA+ because queer is a slur, intersex isn’t a sexuality/gender and is just a weird medical condition, and A stands for allies (instead of aro/ace bc we already decided that they aren’t part of the community) and we don’t want those sick CisHets infiltrating our community.

LGBT is now the proper accepted term. That means you must be Gay Lesbian Bisexual and/or Transgender to be part of the community. If you aren’t doing LGBT correctly then you are trying to infiltrate the community and steal resources (and those resources are never defined). Only LGBT people are safe.

Oh, except bisexuals. They’re dirty cheaters bc they get to pass as straight and thus aren’t Oppressed Enough like us Pure Gays. How dare they be into men. Only Good Gays get to be into men. If a lesbian ever thought about a man in any vague romantic/sexual way then they are Impure. Men are the true evil of the world bc patriarchy. The only type of man you’ll be safe with is a gay man bc they don’t want to SA you when they see your shoulders/ankles.

All men are the root of all evil, except our good example gay men, who coincidentally are usually white and follow the good gay stereotypes, which are feminine in nature. Femininity is Good and Safe. You can trust anyone who is Feminine, and you can distrust anyone who is Masculine. Men only exist to take advantage of women. Women must be protected at all costs.

Wait. We allow transgender people in the community. That means either a Dirty Evil Man is cosplaying as a woman, or a Pure Innocent Girl got taken in by the evils of masculinity and patriarchy. Trans people are bad since they are being taken over by Evil Men, and/or trying to infiltrate the community, which we already decided is bad. Trans people aren’t Pure. The T in LGBT gets dropped.

Also if you’re nonbinary someone pulled the wool over your eyes. It’s just a phase and you’ll fall into Woman Lite soon enough. There’s no such thing as an amab nonbinary person. Men are evil, and nonbinary is Woman Lite. If you dress in any way that’s not feminine or androgynous then you are doing it wrong.

Congrats, you are now a TERF.

And before you say “that’s not what happened!” I saw every single one of these talking points come out in real time. It was slow. It wasn’t sudden. It was pushing the boundary little by little until you boiled the frog. And now with acecourse coming up again I can all but guarantee that this cycle will happen again. So! Some things to look out for and deprogram.

All men are not inherently evil. All women are not inherently good. Masculinity isn’t inherently evil. Femininity isn’t inherently good. Queer is not a slur and is an extremely useful umbrella term for those who don’t know which label they fit under, or who don’t want a specific label. Yes, queer can still be used as a slur (I have been called queer in a derogatory way) but it is one the community has reclaimed. Trans people aren’t trying to trick you. Amab nonbinary people aren’t “lesser” than afab nonbinary people. Nonbinary is not Woman Lite. There is no such thing as a morally pure sexuality. The queer community is welcome for all who identify as queer; yes, even that person. Policing and oppression olympics is not a litmus test for “pure enough” for joining the queer community. The queer community is for Everyone. That’s it. That’s all.

[lebakasmadl]

Murder on the Orient Express

by Agatha Christie

a book review

(!Spoilers! duh)

Last week I read “Murder on the Orient Express”. The language used is quite simple and straight forward, not much energy is wasted on describing meaningless details. This in itself is not a big deal, however it is quite telling if a detail is mentioned, because then you rightfully would assume that it is a puzzle piece necessary to solve the murder. This does make it much more obvious and less fun to solve the mystery (which wasn’t rly possible anyway but oh well).

Let’s set the scene:

The Orient Express is filled to the brim with passengers during a cold winter night. An intense snow storm forces the train to stop dead in its tracks. In the morning, the train still not having moved, a body is discovered. Who could have done it? Fortunately Hercule Poirot, a skilled detective, is also on board and gets asked to take the case.

Here arises the first problem for me:

HERCULE POIROT

(I will admit, that this was the first book of Poirot I have ever read, so I wasn’t quite sure what to expect from him as a character)

I don’t want to lie, I did expect kind of a french Sherlock Holmes (Omg the French don’t get me started on that) However it is not exactly what Poirot is. He didn’t rly impress with crazy combination or observation skills. To me it felt as tho he was just quite good at guessing and got lucky a lot? Like A LOT. Plus he admitted that himself? Personally I would have preferred to look into his mind a little more, it would have made the whole thing much more interesting. It was a guessing game, however reading about how he concluded what to guess might have been more entertaining, especially considering that the reader was not privy to crucial information.

The only thing rly making him stand out knowledgewise was the trick that made the writing on the letter reappear. However that whole thing drove me up a tree anyway, since it was just a tad bit too much luck for my taste that he was able to recover a full name, which happened to be the main clue for why the victim was murdered. Also also him assuming Mr. Ratchetts real identity from just the name on the letter did not feel coherent to me. Like oh this man has a weird vibe to him and there is the name of a murdered girl on a letter in his room, he HAS TO BE a serial child killer. (???)

Sexism and weird nationality stuff?

When the body is discovered with 12 stab wounds to some men on the train the case seems to be nearly solved. It must have been a woman! Obviously only women get emotional enough to murder someone with more stabs than necessary. Men no emotion, men never emotion, emotion girly stuff. Except if u are italian than it might have been u since it “fits your southern temper”??? But do not worry, everyone in this book gets their fair share of prejudice and stereotype! I do understand it was a different time when the book was released, but unfortunately these parts aged like milk.

Who did it?

Sooo huge SPOILER: It was everyone on the train!

Midway thru the book I did think to myself, well what if it was everyone? Wouldn’t that be cool? It wouldn’t. I dismissed that thought since I decided it would be too lazy from a writers perspective. Once everyone committed the crime, no one did. All of a sudden it doesn’t matter who was where at what time and what they saw or heard. It stops being about collecting clues and simply becomes about mashing a bunch of people together in the most random guessing game to give all of them the same goal. As a result the final revelation was quiet unsatisfactory.

The Plan

Twelve people had all decided to kill a man, bc he was the murderer of a little girl, Daisy Armstrong, which they all were connected to. (Thank god Poirot happened to know so much about that case that happened years ago) The connection usually being that they had previously worked for the family of the girl or being directly related to her. This is a point I personally do find weird. Some had quite believable motives, while it seemed that others went along bc Daisy was kind of a cute child? That wouldnt rly be enough for me but go off Agatha.

Their plan was pretty complicated. They would one by one sneak into the victims room and every person would stab him ONE time. That way, they claim, it “would not be possible to tell who’s strike was the actual final blow that killed him” (humbug). Then they made up a whole spiel about a woman in a red kimono and a guy dressed up as a train conductor, planted fake clues and gave each other alibis.

Of course it was in their best interest to keep the wagon to themselves. No outsiders, no witnesses. For that reason they paid for an compartment in the train, knowing they didn’t actually have another person to fill it with. If Poirot and his homie would not have come along, the wagon would have only carried twelve murderers and one victim. Meaning that this crazy game of dressing up would have been completely unnecessary??? They even stated that they practiced the whole thing on their way east, so that they could go through with it on the way back. But WHY this complicated plan, if they had actually planned not to be sharing the wagon? It seems to be too elaborate for them to have made it up on the spot, once they realized they would not be traveling alone. Plus another question that bothers me: Bc there were no more first class compartments left, Poirot actually shared a second class one with one of the killers (McQueen) for the first nights. How did they plan to avoid that? It could have been anyone in that second class room and they only got lucky bc Bouc moved to the other wagon once it became possible, so that Poirot could sleep in a First class compartment. What would they have done, if someone would have just stayed with Mr. McQueen in his bunk bed for the whole ride???

Conclusion

Why is this considered a classic?

Unfortunately I have to admit to not rly having liked this book so I can not recommend it. However if u haven’t read it yet, maybe go do so just so that we can have a chat about it. If u have already read it: Feel free to answer my questions and/or tell me about your opinion. I’ll be waiting.

All in all one round match out of twelve stab wounds

[iliveinprocrasti-nation]

things i did in first grade (ages 6-7) because i just remembered how i was kinda weird:

- would constantly drag my mum outside to play frisbee with me. it did not matter the weather. i remember playing frisbee in snow that was almost knee deep. Frisbee Was Required

- our house had a frog pond (although the frogs had literally taken over everywhere like we technically had a pool too but it was really just a second frog pond). i taught myself to hand catch the giant bullfrogs we had, some of which would be about as big as my face. pretty much all of my time that year was spent catching frogs. i would get home from school and be out for multiple hours until the sun went down

- brought both my pet venus fly trap plant and my own teeth (not baby teeth, i had to get my 6 year molars out so the teeth were relatively huge and kinda gross, especially to first graders) to class show and tell

- dressed up as wednesday addams for halloween. i had my mum dye my hair for it. i chose this costume on my own and refused to go as anyone/anything else

- my favourite show was a canadian show called mystery hunters which, among debates like aliens and ghosts, also went over things like the romanov assasination and bog bodies and strange murder cases. i would watch it daily and was incredibly invested

[notsocharmingmagician]

Idk what the general consensus is on Clawroline (and I’m honestly to scared to scroll the tag and find out) but like. Why does she look. Like THAT?

The track record was so good for not making the female characters..... weird... Why’d they have to fuck that up? The characters in the established universe are so soft and round and uniquely designed, which makes them clearly recognizable as Kirby characters.

Clawroline, on the other hand, falls into the overused and honestly kinda gross character template of “give her hips for days, a waist thin enough to snap like a pencil, and not-so-subtle definitely-not-tits just to make it clear she’s a girl, in case that wasn’t obvious enough already.” Like, when I first saw her (which was before I got to see the new trailer) I legit didn’t think she was a Kirby character. I honestly, 100% thought she was somebody’s fuckin Sonic OC or something.

Her design feels so generic, like I swear I’ve seen the “curvy spotted feline with bright eye makeup and nail polish, and, oh, also claws because she’s edgy�� design sooooo many times. At least those times it was by random amateur furry artists on deviantart and not, y’know, professionals working on the latest game for a hugely popular franchise.

Like, c’mon. Is this really the best that can be done here? This Sonic-game reject? At least the overly-sexual gazelle from Zootopia got to wear clothes!!!! They didn’t even do Clawroline that most basic decency.

“But the animal friends in Kirby’s Dream Land 3 don’t wear clothes.” Yeah, and that’s fine because they’re not anthropomorphized outside of Rick and Nago walking on two legs. And also they are all very spherical. Which Clawroline is clearly not. At all.

And look at all the other characters with various anthropomorphic qualities:

Dedede: wears clothes.

Taranza & Magolor (even though they are mostly orb): both wear clothes.

Daroach: wears clothes (though it doesn’t cover anything, it’s fine cuz his torso is literally just a floating grey oval).

Sectonia: it looks like clothes? (She’s also a bit off the shits trying to meet every beauty standard ever, which at least gives her a reason to have very exaggerated proportions, which is worth pointing out, I think.)

Hyness: he may be damn crazy but he’s not nakey.

But then. Clawroline. The only character with such an exaggerated figure. Naked like she’s fresh out of the fuckin womb of her creator.

Again, Idk what people have been saying about her since she was revealed; all I know is that she doesn’t fit in with the characters already in the Kirby universe, her design is incredibly generic and falls into grossly overused cliches/stereotypes/beauty standards for character design, and lastly she just makes me fucking uncomfortable.

I hate to be that person who’s all like “hurr durr, make video games family friendly so I can let my 4 year old slay gods in this Kirby game.” No. That’s not the problem. I wouldn’t care if Clawroline was a curvy anthro cat lady IF she was in a universe where that’s just the standard and she fits right in. Or if there is a plot-based reason for it, like there is for Sectonia. But from what little we know, this isn’t the case, and they’ve clearly done Clawroline very, very dirty.

Apologies to all the Clawroline stand that are probably out there already, but I really cannot stand this character’s design.

[shorkbrian]

i’m sorry but i luv your writing/thot process so i have to share this: imagine superstar trainer kiri marrying ur mom. he’s only a few years older (and you had a crush on him first) so you avoid him bc you’re shy/uncomfortable with it. your plans are foiled when mom’s away and y’all are stuck at home during a snow storm, power out, no heat/gas, and no matter how many layers u use nothing beats body heat. kiri is so sweet and just wants to get close and keep you warm/see whats under ur sweats

I’m literally melting rn 

Like imagine Kiri shuffling closer to you on the couch, scooting underneath the blankets you have piled around your body.

He keeps getting closer and closer and closer until he’s pressed up against you, and he feels like a heater, warm and cozy and comfortable. You don’t mind burrowing down into his side a bit, only blushing a little when the big man chuckles at your behavior.

There’s a movie playing on the TV, but you’re kind of sleepy, and your stepdad feels so sturdy and safe against your side, and you’re finally warming to a comfortable temperature, and before you know it, you’re fast asleep.

When you wake up, you’re laying down on a solid surface, heat wrapped around your body and trapped beneath the blankets. The surface rumbles and shifts, and only then do you realize that Kirishima must have moved you.

The room is dark, TV off, lights out. The wind is still howling and moaning outside like a mourner at a grave, beating against the windows and crying to the sky.

Lifting your head means you get a view of Kiri’s face, of his handsome, relaxed self as he gazes down at you, a pleased, soft smile on his features.

You go to apologize for falling asleep on him and for inconveniencing him, but Kirishima doesn’t let you. “It’s warmer this way, plus, I like holding something while I sleep.”

He has his arms wrapped around you, thick biceps pressing heavy against your shoulders, keeping you flush to his muscular chest. You blush a little at the position, shifting your legs and trying not to do anything weird.

But in moving your legs around, you find yourself straddling his thigh, the stocky limb flexing underneath your weight, Kirishima twitching.

“Sorry-” You blush again, intending on moving, but your stepdad drops a hand to your hip, steadying you.

“No, don’t apologize, I get it.” He winks at you, before jiggling his thigh a bit, settling you down further onto it. “I remember doing stuff like this back in high school, I know it feels good.”

A long moment of silence stretched between you two as you processed his words, feeling increasingly awkward.

“Um, okay...” Was all you could come up with.

Kirishima laughed a bit. “You’ve never cuddled with anyone before? It’s nice, isn’t it? ‘Specially with the heat out like this. Power went out while you were sleeping.”

You felt a little silly now, ducking your head and dropping your gaze. That would explain why the lights were off. You had just assumed the movie had finished playing and your stepdad had turned it off, but apparently that wasn’t the case. 

“Temp’s gonna drop fast, we’re probably going to have to use good ‘ole body heat while we sleep. You wanna move to the bed? Or just sleep here?”

A shrug, and Kirishima smiled. “Okie-doke, bed it is. Thank goodness, my back would kill me if I tried to sleep on the couch. Gettin’ old s’no fun.”

The man sat up, and you quickly disentangled yourself from him, ignoring the way his thigh rubbed in between your legs as he moved about. As soon as you felt the chill of the room, you shivered, clacking your teeth together and snatching the blanket tight around yourself.

“Oh, that’s so cold, fuck.”

“Hey, watch your language-” Kirishima chided, rising to his feet as he gathered the rest of the blankets up into his arms. “No potty mouths in this house, yeah? Keep it clean.”

He’d been married to your mom for almost a year now, and Kirishima had easily fallen into the “father figure” role, despite the fact that it wasn’t necessarily needed.

But you indulged him by laughing at his corny dad jokes, complimenting the various meats he grilled for meals, keeping your judgements about his questionable fashion choices to yourself instead of blurting them out to his face.

Kirishima led the way to the master bedroom, the room he shared with your mom, stating that the bed was bigger, it’d be more comfortable. Did you really expect him to fit into your bed?

He was a big man, strong and solid. He was able to throw you over one shoulder, your mom over the other, and run around the house whooping while the two of you laughed and pounded on his back.

“Alright-” Kirishima tossed his armful of blankets onto the bed he shared with your mom, immediately fluffing them up and pulling at the edges until he was satisfied.

The man pulled back the edge, holding it ups as he turned to you. “Head on inside!”

It was cold at first, the sheets and blankets chilly. You snuggled up to Kirishima as soon as the big man laid down, making him laugh a bit as your teeth chattered together.

“S-sorry it’s just so-so c-cold.” You explained.

“Your nose is all red, you look so cute.” His smile is warm, his hands even warmer as they begin to rub up and down your sides.

You don’t know how to respond, let yourself relax into the comforting touch, his fingertips dancing over your sweater.

“So.....” Kiri starts “You’ve never had a boyfriend then? You got so quiet when I asked if you’ve cuddled with someone before.”

A blush rose to your cheeks, and you shook your head. “No, I have. I broke up with him a little bit before you and mom started dating.”

The redhead’s quiet for a moment, then tucks his chin over your head, drawing you closer into his chest. “I’m sorry. Relationships can be hard, I know.”

“It was for the best, I think.” You continue, letting your stepdad rub your back as you talked. “We just didn’t really jive well together I guess. Wish we’d figured that out sooner though.”

The man pressed against you is so sturdy, solid and radiating heat like a furnace. It’s easy to relax in his easy-going presence.

“Well, if you ever miss cuddling, don’t hesitate to come find me, yeah? It’s one of my favorites.”

Kirishima was a touchy man, and it was obvious that his love language was touch, so it made sense. He always had his thick arms wrapped around your mom, was holding her hand, holding yours, placing kisses on your cheeks, kissing your mom every chance he got.

Sometimes he asked you to brush out his hair for him, when you weren’t busy or anything. He’d relax into jelly as you ran the hairbrush through his red locks, contented little sighs falling from his lips.

“Okay, I’ll do that.” You chuckle, thinking to yourself how the world had a funny sense of humor.

Truthfully, when you’d first been introduced to the man your mom had recently started dating, you’d developed a hopeless crush. He was attractive, kind, funny; if your mom wasn't dating him, you would’ve asked for his number.

A small part of you was irritated that the man was young enough for you to date him, your mother unbothered by the sugar stereotype she’d developed.

But ah well, what’s done is done.

“You know, I didn’t know what I'd be like having a daughter.” Kirishima soft voice breaks you out of your thoughts. “You’re almost more like.... I dunno, a friend? If that makes sense. I feel like we’re buddies.”

“Yeah, I feel like that too.” You confess, breathing into his neck, able to smell the cologne he uses, something heady and strong and manly.

A comfortable silence settles around you both, nothing but soft breaths and Kirishima’s warm hands rubbing gently over your body, against your sides, up and down your back, massaging your shoulders.

They traveled too close to your tummy, and you choked out a laugh, flinching away from Kirishima.

“Don’t, ‘m ticklish.” Came your breathless, giggly warning.

“Yeah? Yeah?” The redhead grinned, a glint in his eye, barely noticeable before he pounced, rolling over until you were smothered beneath his hefty weight, unable to move.

Horrible, terrible fingers descended, dug into your ribs and you shrieked, wide smile breaking across your features as your stepdad tickled you.

This is what happiness was made of.

Warm and fuzzy, the smell of rain, the sound of it pattering against the roof. Strong arms around you, a laugh on your lips.

Kirishima’s thigh slipped in between yours, pressed upwards, and you choked on a breath, hands immediately clutching at the man’s biceps.

“You’re so sensitive, it’s so cute.”

No time to say his name, ask any questions. He was situating you on your side, legs tangled with his, a big, beefy thigh still flush against your clothed sex.

“Mm, you ever do this with your boyfriend?” The redhead was moving, hands gripping your waist now, dragging you along his thigh, and you kept bumping up against his chest, his toned stomach.

“Yes-yeah.” Was your breathless reply, head whirling, eyes wide. This isn’t really what you were expecting, not from your stepdad.

But it wasn’t entirely unwelcome.

That’s why you weren’t screaming your head off, recoiling in disgust, scrambling for the phone to call your mom, the police.

No, you were still, pliant against Kirishima as he moved your body, his lazy red eyes fixed on your face. “Hm? Feels nice, doesn’t it? You like it?”

A shaky nod is all you can muster, feeling yourself beginning to drip against your stepdad’s thigh, slick all over your folds, the skin tingling, making your hips jump as your clit pulsed at the stimulation.

God, it felt good.

“You make me so happy, y’know? Such a pretty, smart girl.” He praised, and now you could feel it - feel the cock filling out against your tummy, hot and wet, leaking.

“I really hit the jackpot. A beautiful wife, a gorgeous daughter... I love you so, so much.” Kirishima was breathing heavier, his fingers digging into your hipbones as he dragged you back and forth against him. “You’re the best thing that ever happened to me. Just wanna take care of you, yeah?  Make you cum lots, whatever you want.”

Almost feverish now, his hips twitching forward, pushing against your tummy again and again, rubbing his cock against your soft flesh, groaning in your ear, breath stuttering-

And then a long moan, a burst of warmth soaking through your pajama shirt, right where the tip of Kiri’s cock rested.

“Oh shit-” He gasped, sucking in air, muscles flexing as he drew back his legs, hands shakily pushing you onto your back.

“That - Jesus, you really got me goin’.” Kiri panted, beginning to kiss at your neck, one of his hands diving into your pajama pants, straight down to strum over your clit.

Already keyed up from the dry humping, veins pumping with excitement, arousal, the thrill of being touched and fondled by your-your stepdad.

A finger teased at your hole, then inched inside, and you bucked your hips, crying out a bit.

“Hey, hey-” He was still a little breathless, a little lightheaded from his orgasm, but the man was determined. 

“It’s okay, it’s okay. I got you. I’m always gonna take care of my girl.”

[thickenmyblood]

hey maca :)) I have sth that I’d love to hear your input on! (wall of text incoming so beware- I’m absolutely not mad if you don’t want to answer lmao). Basically it’s about how you portray women in your works and to what extent you see that portrayal mirrored in the canon books. I have noticed that a lot of writers tend to go a traditional route with for example daughters not being heirs like you also mentioned in an answer for a wtsioa ask on here. Considering the cultures Vere and Akielos are based on that’s obviously very logical and a lot of authors (including you) make it work fantastically! Yet personally I never got the vibe of Vere and Akielos being as patriarchal in canon, mostly because the Information we get is kind of confusing. On one hand damen is a walking manosphere (and. all of Akielos in general as well) without any prominent female figures in his life but on the other hand damen only ever speaks appreciatively of for example the female vaskian warriors. Both countries seem to ban women from the army yet Damen also refers to a warrior queen. The regent is a total misogynist but with the wording Laurent uses it almost seems like that is more the exception and not the general rule of veretian court life. Both countries also have ties to Vask, an exclusive matriarchy and Akielos is said to be similar to Patras which Pacat has stated is also partly a strong matriarchy due to vaskian occupations in the past. I could go on for a lot longer but I guess that damens overall positive attitude towards women and especially stereotypically spoken masculine women is what sticks out the most to me. It just seems kind of misplaced in a world that supposedly is as sexist as the original cultures from our world. Which is why I’d say both countries do have gender roles but are overall a lot more egalitarian than their respective real world og cultures. But that’s only my take and I’d love to hear more on what others think about the portrayal of women in canon and how they chose to portray it in fanfiction. Love you and your new work, hope you’re doing well❤️

HELLO!!! Thank you for asking me interesting stuff :, ) you always have the best questions and my sad little inbox is open to you any time, friend. I divided this into parts, so:

My portrayal of women: I need to work on this a lot lmao. I’m not proud of any female character I have ever written for this fandom, and I’m also not proud to say I struggle horribly when it comes to writing female OCs, especially if the story is not about a female character that is a literal projection of me. Or Bella Swan (yes, Twilight literally shaped my sad little brain and the way I write and consume fiction).

Authors writing female characters in a “traditional” way (for fantasy settings): I can’t speak for other authors but I definitely think, in my case, that using the “it’s a patriarchal society, women have no rights, women can’t be heirs, etc.” blueprint is a matter of being lazy. It’s quick, and easy, and it’s been done before so we all know how it works and a) it’s unlikely that you’ll mess it up (in the plot hole kind of way) and b) it’s obvious that most readers know how the usual system works and so you don’t have to spend paragraphs or even chapters explaining it to them. I am very lazy when it comes to world-building for fics. Why? Because when I’m writing fanfiction I don’t give two shits about the world, I just care about the characters doing Things and having Feelings. The moment you start to question these issues (a society where women can join the army, where they can be heirs, where maybe they can have multiple husbands, etc.) a billion issues arise because it’s not the “usual way” and so you’ll have to deal with “unusual problems”. See: plot holes, info-dumping, etc.

Vere and Akielos in canon: I think the books get very, very confusing at times when it comes to gender roles in that specific world. They also get very confusing about how royalty works, in my opinion. So:

Damen never mentions female influences in his life, not even nannies or wetnurses or anything. He mentions past queens and his mother, but even then… It’s always struck me as “what the actual fuck” that we get no information on Egeria. In TSP, he doesn’t even read as curious to me, especially when I think of that line that goes something like “oh, well, he’d never asked how tall she was”.

Then you have Jokaste, who is highborn and also… perhaps trained in politics? It’s unclear to me if she’s ever been directly involved in meetings or been an active member of the Council or even been allowed to study these issues. Clearly, she’s smart and capable and cunning, but like… how? Did she have private tutors? Is she a self-made woman? Like, what’s up with that? Are women allowed to engage in public politics? Are they allowed to be kyroi?

IMO, Damen complimenting the female warriors in Vask has to do with how appreciative he is of war-related stuff. Like, he thinks people with his own qualities are neat. We see this time and time again in the books—having honor, being brave, respecting one’s family, protecting those who need protecting… He compliments these things when he sees them in others, especially in Laurent. Obviously one of the big changes in Damen as a character is that he goes from being daddy’s boy to being like “well, actually… maybe war isn’t always the answer, and maybe war isn’t always honorable”. The Vaskian warriors prove themselves worthy of praise in a “manly” way, if that makes sense. (In the same way, Laurent proves himself in the Okton, not so much to Damen but to other Akielons). So, in essence, War > Any issues he may have about women doing Stuff.

Don’t judge me for this but I can’t remember the Regent talking about women. Do you have any quotes about that? I feel like Book 1 is super rich when it comes to world-building stuff and yet it’s the book I remember the least. I know he obviously has a preference for boys and not girls, but I don’t recall him having interactions with Vannes or ladies at court? I’M SORRY I’M SO STUPID but I don’t own the book so I can’t exactly word search my way out of this one, and so instead of saying stupid stuff, I’m asking anyone reading this (lol, you and my mom probably) to please tell me what canon says on this issue.

Ties to Vask: Er, yeah, I mean… They’re clearly not at war with Vask and have some sort of economic deal (there are Vaskian pets in Arles? Which makes me wonder if they, like, buy them from Vask? Or if the pets are Vaskian and turn into pets in Vere? Slaves are not like pets so I don’t know?), BUT just because they have deals with this kingdom/are on good terms with the ruler does not mean they necessarily approve? Like, maybe they’re like “yeah, it’s weird they give women so much power, but also I need that silk/leather/WHATEVER, so I’ll shut up about that”.

“Akielos is said to be similar to Patras which Pacat has stated is also partly a strong matriarchy due to Vaskian occupations in the past.” Is this in the books or is this something she said in an interview/post-releasing the trilogy? I know in the books there’s a quote that Akielos and Patras are similar because they both have slaves, but other than that I can’t quite remember anything about Patras? Like, I don’t recall Pacat giving us extensive and thorough world-building on either nation, at all. Once again, I am asking you for more explanations on this because I literally don’t remember.

4. My opinion and a Stupidity Disclaimer: As I’ve said above, there’s a lot of stuff I don’t remember and so I’m not trying to preach to anyone reading this or even saying that I hold the truth about… anything. I’m answering questions as I see fit and asking more questions when I run out of answers.

I believe world-building is not one of Captive Prince’s strong points. I will not elaborate on this because this is already long enough but there is simply, in my opinion, not enough material to reach any solid conclusions when it comes to world-building questions such as the role of women in Vere and Akielos, how compulsory homosexuality affects the development of highborn men and women in Vere, exactly what makes Akielos’ view on women different from Vere’s (if there’s any difference at all), the history of gender roles in this world and how it’s evolved up until canon, how Lamen can solve the heir issue without recurring to, once again, “the usual stuff” (concubines, bastards, marriage to women, etc.). It’s clear from what I’ve read that Pacat has come a long way as a writer and that her new trilogy has a lot more in-depth explanations to world-building questions, but this is not the case with CP, and so I’m afraid my answer to most of this is “I don’t know, and I don’t think anyone can know for sure”.

Lastly, I think I struggle a lot with understanding the role of women in this universe because I simply did not see enough women doing stuff, so I don’t know what’s permitted, what’s unacceptable, what’s illegal, what is straight-up execution worthy, etc. This is not me complaining about the lack of female characters in CP, at all, which I know is contradictory to stuff I’ve said in the past (I answered a couple asks a year ago about how I’d wished we’d gotten Vannes’ POV or Jokaste’s POV in the short stories). I’ve changed my mind, and so I think Pacat is entitled to write whatever she wants, just like I’m entitled to talk shit about KR with any living soul who will listen lmao.

To end this on a spicy note, I think sometimes we consume the wrong media and then complain because it doesn’t have what we wanted. If you’re looking for a trilogy with strong, fleshed-out female characters, Captive Prince is not for you. If you’re looking for a trilogy on female struggles and, I don’t know, defying… the male gaze… Captive Prince is not for you. There are plenty of books out there that focus exclusively on female characters, featuring sapphic relationships, and dealing with gender issues. WHICH IS NOT TO SAY WE SHOULDN’T BE HAVING THESE DISCUSSIONS. This is not about this particular question, but more about a lot of posts I’ve seen floating around… complaining about Pacat’s writing and the themes she didn’t explore.

If anyone has made it this far, thank you for reading, and know this is NOT me telling you what to think. This post is an open question that anyone can engage with, although I hope people will engage with this directly and on this platform, instead of… taking it somewhere else where I sadly can’t engage back! Unlike what happened with our awesome fat Laurent discussion, I will be replying to any questions I get on this (Note: I did not reply to most of those questions because a long time had passed and they were sort of repetitive).

[headcans-oneshots-and-stuff]

Hogwarts No.1 Ship

Fandom: Harry Potter  Pairing: Draco Malfoy x reader Word count: 3.4k Summary: You - Rubeus Hagrid’s niece and a surprising slytherin - have a crush on the Slytherin prince himself, but you are sugar and he is spice and there is no world where the two of you would fit together...right? Warning: Swearwordsm concussion, broken bones, but mostly fluffffffffff Requested by the amazing and patient (I’m really sorry it took so long) @onlycherryblossom​: Hi! I love your work and I was wondering if you could right a Draco Malfoy x Reader. you know, the one we talked about. It'd be so awesome! i hope you have a good day/night! (I won’t put our chat in here so that I don’t spoiler anything)

Hogwarts had rarely ever known two students who were as opposite to each other as Draco Malfoy and Y/N Hagrid. Draco - who was the embodiment of how people imagined the stereotype of Slytherin to be - was (most of the time) a prideful, cold, unempathetic prick, while you were a selfless, positive thinking, kind and gentle soul that could‘ve been a descendant of Helga Huffelpuff herself. The two of you did have one thing in common though. Your house. The hat had made you both into Slytherins which was on Draco’s side not surprising at all, but quite a shock for everyone who had talked to you for even a minute. Probably the biggest shock was courtesy of Rubeus Hagris - Half-Giant and your adopted uncle (on his father’s side) - who insisted that the hat must have made a mistake, but was quickly shot down by Dumbledoor who assured that the hat didn‘t make any mistakes. After some initial tumbling though, Hagrid realized that the house didn‘t make the person and that it didn‘t matter in what house you were sorted into, you’d always be his little pumpkin. And he was quite right. Even after you had been a Slytherin for just about five years, you had only grown more kind and loving - having bonded with many people in the other houses and years, but not quite as many in your own house. You’d call Blaze and Millicent maybe something close to friends and Pansy tolerated you which is why you gave her the title of ‘good acquaintances‘, but other than that you didn‘t really have a lot of contact with them in your free time. The most complicated relationship you held though was the one to the aforementioned Draco Malfoy. In a weird twist of fate the two of you somehow became the main ship in Hogwarts (with Harry and Ginny or Harry and Hermione as close second) even though you couldn‘t remember more than two or three times that you had talked to the boy outside of a classroom or study environment. Sure, he had never bullied or teased you which already differentiated you from most of the students, but you simply explained it by the fact that you were a good student - especially in potions class - and behaved well enough to gain a number of house points which made you into a good asset to Slytherin and as such made you a less logical target. Now all in itself that would‘ve been more than fine with you, but for some stupid reason your heart decided to betray you against it‘s better judgement and fall for him. Somehow, even after years of seeing him kick others down and behave like a complete douchebag you couldn‘t help but blush slightly at the mention of his name and feel your heart flutter when you walked by him in the hall or in the common room. The worst part was in potions class where he sat right beside you after Snape deemed your former partner as way too unqualified for one of his best students and exchanged him for Draco. Working with him in and of itself was actually rather nice. He was a good student and did his work thoroughly and mindfully, but you found it hard to concentrate when his hand brushed yours as you read a passage in the book or when he poured ingredients in the coultron that you were stirring. You really tried to ignore your feelings and ban every thought of him, but it seemed like you weren‘t doing the best job at it since your uncle kept asking about what it was that was distracting you all the time. On a rainy October day fairly at the beginning of your fifth year you decided you had enough. You were sitting in your Uncles hut with a plate of more or less edible cookies in front of you and a cup of something that was surely supposed to be tea when you finally gathered the courage to say what you had been meaning to say for weeks now. “Uncle Rubeus, can I ask you something?” Hagrid turned to you with his usual smile as he patted fang who was drooling all over his lap where he had laid his head. “Course ya can pumpkin. What’s it about?” “Uhm...well… you know there is this boy that I-“ “Ohhh Ah see,” Hagrid quickly interrupted you before you could even ask the question, “Ya know, usually I’d be more than happy to help ya with every question you have but ah really don’t thin’ I’m the right person for this, I’m sorry.” A little bit disappointed but not really surprised you just sighed and shook your head, telling him that it was okay, before bidding your goodbyes and making your way back to the castle quietly mulling over what exactly your plan b should be now that plan a had failed and you still had no idea what to do with or how to get rid of your stupid crush on Draco.

“You know what I would do if I were you?“ Ginny asked and pointed the end of her quill at you. The both of you were sitting in a corner of the library where you had planned to help her study for her upcoming potions exam, only for her to basically interrogate you until you admitted that you had an unlucky crush, even though she luckily hadn‘t pushed you to tell her who the guy you had a crush on was. “I‘d probably just tell them, I mean what do you have to lose. Either he‘ll say yes and you‘re happy or he says no and you just avoid him like he doesn‘t even exist - which would honestly be the appropriate reaction if he refuses a snack like you. See, no real downside to it.“ “Oh really? Hmmm, I wonder why you haven‘t told Harry how you feel yet then,“ you teased her and tapped your chin. Ginny‘s face immediately started to rival the colour of her hair and the way she crossed her arms in front of her chest and pouted reminded you of an overgrown toddler - but in a cute way. “I-I don‘t like Harry, okay? I mean I did when I was like ten because he was famous and I was a child,“ she tried to make sure you really knew how silly she wanted you to believe she thought it was by drawing out the word child for a good few seconds before rolling her eyes and looking to the side, “And anyway, it‘s not like he‘d date his best friend’s sister…“ “Oh Gin,“ you immediately felt bad and grabbed one of her hands with yours, “Have you looked at yourself? You‘re amazing and if Harry doesn‘t see that through his stupid invisible cloak and these glasses than he doesn‘t even deserve you.“ “Even though I admit that yes, I am amazing, this isn‘t the topic that we should be conversing about right now, remember? I think there‘s a certain blond Slytherin that you should be worried about more right now.“ Immediately blood shot right to your cheeks and you quickly looked around to make sure no one could‘ve heard her before leaning forward and hissing: “What? No? I don‘t like Draco? Why would you even think that? I never said that he is the one I have a crush on.“ Ginny just raised her eyebrows in an unimpressed manner, leaning back in her chair and picking the quill back up to play around with while she talked. “Listen honey, I‘m not judging you or anything. Don‘t get me wrong, I still and probably will always think Draco is a major asshole and doesn‘t even deserve to breath the same air as you-“ “He isn‘t that bad…“ “Yes he is, but anyways, no matter what I think of him I also know that you are a clever girl that knows how to protect herself and who knows, maybe you‘d even have a good influence on him.“ Images of you and Draco together with your friend group laughing and having fun crossed your mind and you could feel your heartbeat fasten involuntarily. “That‘s all great and good, but like I said, I don‘t have a crush on Draco,“ you gave the hope of getting out of this situation with the lie you‘ve been telling yourself for months still intact one last try, but Ginny didn‘t give it the time of day. “Oh please, I see the way you look at him in the dining hall and how your eyes are always on him when he‘s playing quidditch and just now you defended him even though the two of you aren‘t even friends. My love-radar is pinging like crazy around the two of you which is why I, Ginny Wealey also known as the love witch-“ “No one calls you that,“ you interrupted her only to be shushed by an evil glare. “I, Ginny Weasley, will help you in fulfilling your desire and getting together with Draco and I already have the perfect plan.“ “No no no no, please don‘t! Don‘t do this! Ginny no!“ you tried to make your point clear but she was already cleaning up her stuff and getting ready to leave. “Don‘t worry oh sweet Y/N, the next time we‘ll talk everything will be set in motion,“ she winked before dashing off leaving you standing in her figurative dust with your mouth agape for a few seconds before you let your head sink onto the table. This would definitely take an interesting turn…

After that you definitely started to actively avoid Draco which was - surprisingly enough - not as easy as you thought. Somehow he was almost always at least in your near vicinity. Besides the obvious factors of class (where you tried to focus on working and on praying whatever Ginny had planned wouldn‘t happen) and when you were eating in the great hall (where you had resorted to sitting at the very end of the table as far away from him as possible) he seemed to also be there in your free time. You were relaxing in the common room? He was there reading a book. You were outside with Harry and co.? Guess who’s coming their way to insult them (while not saying a single bad thing about you). By now there were just about three places where you were sure that he wouldn’t be able to pop up at any given moment. Your room, the bathroom and the potions classroom on Wednesday and Friday afternoon when class has already ended. After Snape had realized that he had some real potions-potential sitting in front of him he offered you extra credit as some sort of teaching assistant which basically meant that you helped him prepare lessons, helped him grade the first to third years tests and that you cleaned up and organized the potions classroom twice a week. Now usually, knowing that you were more than capable of handling the potions and ingredients standing around on your own after having seen you do it for a few months, you‘d be alone while you cleaned up except for the occasional visit of your professor to tell you which ingredients you should put on the students desks for the next class, but for some reason the next Friday - three days after Ginny had made her promise to you - the door already stood open and you could hear Professor Snape talking to someone. “I really expected better of you, your action is the reasons Slytherin has lost 50 housepoints and I hope you know that it is on you to gain them back, no matter your status,“ Snape‘s voice carried to where you stood and you wondered who the student was if Snape went so easy on them with his lecture. Usually you‘d be afraid for your life after losing even ten house points so getting such a calm reaction for 50 must‘ve really meant something. Your questions about the identity of the student were answered when you entered the dungeon room and immediately felt yourself freeze. Of course not even you (time dependent) sanctuary was safe anymore. Of course Draco just had to stand there and look at you without any identifiable emotion in his gaze. “Ah, Miss Hagrid, right on time as always,“ Snape nodded after he also noticed you and you felt slightly more at ease knowing that with him there nothing could really happen. “Should I come back later?” you asked politely, not sure if you had interrupted something. “No, you may stay. Mister Malfoy over here has got himself caught trying to sabotage McGonagall class, a childish act which I would’ve expected of the Weasleys but really not from you. As a punishment he will be the one to clean the potions classroom bi-weekly from now on until he has regained the house points lost. You’ll supervise him.” “I’m sorry, I’m not quite sure I understand.” “Malfoy will do all the cleaning but since he has no experience with it I can’t just leave him alone so, since you’d be here anyway, you can watch him and make sure that everything goes orderly.“ It wasn‘t really a question as much as a command, something that you were used to from Snape, so you just nodded and bid him goodbye as he went to his office, leaving you and Draco behind. By now you had seen through what was happening. This was Ginny‘s plan. Somehow she must‘ve managed to blame Malfoy for the prank on McGonagall - something rather extreme given the taken house points- hoping (or somehow knowing) that his punishment would force you to spend at least an hour with him alone in a dimmed room twice a week. Inwardly you cursed your friend, while outwardly you tried everything to avoid directly looking at Draco as you explained his tasks to him before you sat down at your usual place and pulled out a book really hoping you could get him to not talk to you that way. Either your plan was working great or Draco just really didn‘t care for you, because an hour later you still hadn‘t exchanged any words, instead he dutifully, but slightly pouting, had done his job while you shot him the occasional glance to make sure he was doing it correctly. “I think that was all, you should be good to go now,“ you told him with a small smile, relieved that you were finally free to leave the room and with that the tension that had built up inside you as a mix of nervousness and fear. Draco had opened his mouth to respond when a third year came rushing inside with at least twelve books in her arms that almost towered over her which she quickly placed on a table, slightly out of breath. “Professor Snape sent me. He said these have to be sorted and put away.” You could probably feel Draco’s sigh before he had made it and - not really fond of spending more time so frustratingly close to your crush and yet so far - you just nodded and told both of them that you’d take care of it and that they could leave, which both promptly did. You took the books and carried them to the back of the room where a sole, old bookshelf was standing - since the students mostly had their own books - and started putting them away when you heard a sickening crunch before suddenly the shelf including books came crashing down at you and before you could even think to pull out your wand, the world turned black.

“I’m so so so sorry, you were right I shouldn’t have interfered, if I’d just listened to you you wouldn‘t be lying here now,“ Ginny whined from beside your bed where she had been sitting for the past twenty minutes apologizing over and over again and blaming herself for the broken arm, leg and the concussion that had you unable to leave the infirmary for the next three days to a week. “Ginny, how often do I gotta tell you, it isn’t your fault! I would’ve sorted those books in anyways - no matter if you had pulled that prank or not - and it would’ve fallen anyways,” you tried to reassure her and gave her a soft smile. “But-“ “No but, okay? We can’t change the past anyways, and even if we could I wouldn’t because thanks to you, I don’t have to take that stupid DADA test.” Your attempt to lighten the mood seemed to work, because soon you and Ginny were back to your usual conversation-style and it relieved you immensely. It made you feel okay again. She was just telling you of a stung Harry had pulled in the Gryffindor Common room when she suddenly paused mid sentence and looked up. You followed her eyes to where they were placed firmly on a certain Platinum blond boy that looked simultaneously like he’d rather be everywhere else and like he was glad to be there, it was a sight to see. “I think I’ll leave for now, I’ll come back later with tons of sweets that Luna and I are going to steal from Harry’s personal stash,” Ginny said goodbye and gave you a wink as she walked away making you torn between wanting to roll your eyes and feeling yourself blush. Unsure of what to do next you motioned to the chair that Ginny had just occupied and Draco seemed to get the hint because he quickly sat down. “Hey-“ “Hi-“ “Sorry, you first.” “No it’s fine, you’re injured, you go first.” “Well, uhm-“ you took a deep breath to calm yourself down, “-I wanted to thank you, for bringing me here I mean, Madame Pomfrey told me you carried me all the way.” You looked away hoping that he wouldn’t see how nervous you were. “You don’t need to thank me, I couldn’t just let you lay there buried under books, your not Granger after all,” he said, seemingly trying to joke but immediately noticed that it was probably not the best thing to say given that you and Hermione were good friends. “Listen, what I came here for,” now it was Draco’s turn to take a deep breath, “I’ve been meaning to tell you something, but you were always with Potter or avoiding me or whatever, but after I saw you lying there… I guess I was just worried for you, I really don’t want you to get hurt.” Now that definitely caught your attention. For a second you played with the thought that this could possibly not be Malfoy but just someone else playing him with the help of polyjuice potion because he was definitely not acting like himself, but something in his word convinced you otherwise. “Thanks, I think, but would you mind me asking why? I mean...we’re not really the closest of friends,” you asked him, looking directly into his face to search signs of a possible answer. “Fuck it, I like you, okay? Happy?” You were completely stunned. Stunned, speechless, shocked. In all the time that you had been crushing on him you had never even really considered even the slightest possibility that he could reciprocate your feelings but now here he was telling you straight up. “You-You like me? Like like-like me?” You asked, just really wanting to be sure. There was a hint of nervousness and worry in his eyes, but he hid it behind a wall of annoyance. “You heard me, didn’t you? So, just get it over with, do you like me too or do you not, because if you don’t then I don’t want to waste my time any longer.” This definitely sounded more like the Draco you were used to and you had to giggle a little bit. “Yes, yes I like you too,” you confessed and like it was the most natural thing in the world you moved the uninjured hand over to where he laid on your bed and took it in yours. For the moment, you were caught in the shimmer of happiness and glee at having your crush there with you, definitely something more than your crush, and it would probably take a while until you‘d realize that there were some interesting things to follow, like telling your uncle about this for example...

[issabangtanfic]

[Jungkook] The Windmill House (Chapter 12)

Synopsis: When your stereotypical Christian Grey meets his not so stereotypical Anna

Masterlist

Pairing: Jungkook x OC

A/N: Feel free to submit a cover! Tell me what you think in my inbox! Enjoy!

- 

Honestly, after seeing Mrs Choi for the first time, I had no idea she would be one of those eccentric client who asks for a ridiculously edgy concept for her home.

It's always the most normal-looking ones...

I look away from the blueprints spread across my desk when I hear my phone buzzing. When I check I see it's a text message from Sidney.

Squidney : Wanna come home for your lunch break? I made lasagna

Her text makes me smile a little. We haven't been talking much ever since that fight after the inauguration party.

She made me feel like I was the unstable kid no one in the family trusts to take care of themselves. And honestly it's probably true that no one trusts me, but I feel like my words are not going to prove anything so I just have been focusing on work and not talking to her very much.

This text is definitely a truce appeal. And I don't like not talking to Sidney, but at the same time I don't know how to feel about the fact that every time I will tell her anything about Mr.Jeon or any other man she will probably disapprove, but not tell me so we don't fight. 

I’m scared of the hypocrisy.

“A windmill house?”

When I look up from my phone, I see Joon who had been brainstorming with me this morning, flipping through my folder.

“Focus.” I tell him, snatching it from his hands before he can find the contract I just printed out for Mr.Jeon.

I don't know how to make a contract so I just used one of our standard ones and put my name on it.

“In London?” He inquiries, sounding excited. I know right?! But I can’t be talking about this with you.

“Namjoon.” I admonish.

“Okay.” He gives up, sliding off my desk and looking back at the blueprints.

“I can give you an alcove, but not windows.” He says, pointing at the kitchen area. Wait what?

“I thought that was doable.” I retort.

“It is, but we’d need to restucture the entiere building. We don’t have the budget nor permission for it.” He explains. Well, he could just have said no when I asked him!

“Okay.” I murmur. So without concave windows. we're going to have to create the roundness inside the apartment.

“Don’t sulk.” I hear Joon coo next to me. 

“I’m not, I’m thinking.” I reply, retracting my pout and releasing my frown.

“Move the pantry here.” I propose, pointing at the space between two windows. One's in the kitchen, the other in the living-room.

“Here?” He doesn't sound convinced.

“We can use the gap between the old and new partitions as storage. And put the alcove here. It’ll be the limit between the kitchen and the living room." I explain. At this point I don't see any other option.

“That I can do. That’s actually a great idea.” Joon nods. Cool!

“Good Job.” He compliments, fist bumping me before exiting my office. Once I'm alone, I quickly text Sidney back.

Me: Lasagna sounds great, syl

I’m back home by 12:30, and when I open the door the delicious smell of cooking meat invades my nostrils. Just as I close the door, Juno trots up to me with her tail wagging happily. 

"Hi Juno!" I beam at her, kneeling to scratch her head. She looks so cute with her little blue bandana around her neck. She barks hello, and I drop a kiss on between her eyes.

When I walk further in, I find Sydney tying her hair up in a bun with a chopstick behind the kitchen counter.  The table is set for two.

"Hi." She smiles at me.

"Mmmmmh... lasagna!" I sing, tossing my bag on the couch. I join her in the kitchen and kneel in front of the oven. "Smells amazing." I observe. The lasgna is almost ready, I can see the meat juices bubbling under the cheese. She really makes the best lasagna.

"Thank you for the food, Sidney." I thank her, standing up and pecking her cheek.

"You're welcome." She hums, and even though we still haven’t talked about our fight, I know I can’t stay mad at her. 

Since everything is set and all that’s missing is the lasagna, we both sit down at the table and open a beer.

"We haven't been hanging out much so this is great." I say after we clink our bottles.

"I know, I wanted to say I'm sorry." She replies, looking at me with sad eyes.

"It's fine, really. I know you're just looking out for me." I counter. It was a silly argument. Ultimately, I understand her. I wish she didn’t think this way, but I understand where this is coming from, and I can’t be expecting anything else from her. Or anyone from my family.

"No, I'm sorry for making you think I don't trust you." She argues. "I'm just scared."

"Listen, I know how similar these two men are. Trust me, it's been weird for me too." I say reassuringly. "But somehow he hasn't made me feel how I'd be feeling before." I add. "Quite the opposite actually."

I frown as the words leave my mouth. It’s only hitting me now that in a way, Mr.Jeon is nothing like the type of man he looks like. I have all these preconceptions about him, and while he still hasn’t proved me wrong, I can’t say I feel like I’m right about him yet.

"And I don't know what to do about it." I mutter to myself, drowning half of my sentence in the neck of my bottle. There’s a moment of silence, where Syd seems to be hesitating to speak.

"I just don't want to lose you again." She admits after a beat. I know everything comes down to that. I reach across the table and grab both of her hands.

"I know. And whatever happens I'm not letting him or anyone pull me away from my family." I affirm, looking straight into her eyes. "It's not happening again." I promise. She smiles and nods, seemingly reassured.

"You know," She trails off, rmoving her hands from mine and resting her chin on her palm. After all this time you've been part of my family, I still didn't think you liked Asians."

"What the hell?” I laugh out loud. This girl!

"I don't know, I just never thought of it." She giggle with me. I shake my head at her as our laughter fades.

"Promise me you're being careful." She demands quietly.

"I am being careful, Sidney." I promise.  "You know, what made me really mad the other day was…”I pause, looking for the right words. "That somehow you think I didn't learn my lesson?"

"No, that's not what I think." She shakes her head vigorously. "I just-" She pauses and thinks for a second. "I trust you, but I worry still." She says.

I’m not expecting any less from her.

"I think..." She trails off, but chokes on her words, and her eyes become shiny with fresh tears. Oh, no!

"Sidney, come on." I scold as she blinks her tears away.

"Shut up, let me talk." She snaps, aborting the waterworks. She sighs deeply, her eyes still very wet. I hate seeing her like this.

"I think seeing you with a man brings back a lot of memories." She explains, her voice still shaking. "Your therapist said your first relationship after B-"

"Woah woah woah, who talked about a relationship?" I stop her dead in her tracks. I understand her worry, but I’m not trying to date anyone. Yes, Mr.Jeon and I are flirting, but we both know what to expect.

"Even a quick shag, she said it's bound to bring back memories." She argues.

"I told you, he still hasn't made me feel like that." I retort.

"I know, and that's great." She says. "But we also had our own trauma that me and your parents and everyone else went through." She argues.

"And obviously it's not as dramatic as it sounds but,” She says, shaking her head. "Knowing that you're potentially seeing someone, it kinda feels like PTSD." She says to me.

"I understand." I reply. I guess, neither me nor my family is prepared for me seeing someone again. After all, it’s something that I hadn’t thought of in a while, not even once.

“And if I feel unprepared for you being out there again, imagine how your parents will react.” Sydney adds.

“I’d rather not.” I reply. Honestly I’d rather stay single.

“It’s going to feel so sudden for them, because they’re not even witnessing the talking stages-“

“I’m not dating this man.” I remind her. I won’t have to introduce anyone to my parents for still a very long time!

“Still.” She retorts. “It’s going to be difficult for them. And they’re probably going to make you feel worse than I did.” She says as a warning. She’s right. My parents will probably reject anyone I bring home out of pure protectiveness, without even trying to get to know them.

“But always out of love for you.” She adds. My mind is reeling. Me getting a boyfriend will be such a headache.

“Let’s postpone the moment as much as possible then.” I sigh, grabbing my beer. “Shagging only.” I toast, and it’s like a promise at this pont. Sydney laughs at me, but still mimics me.

“Shagging only.” She repeats after me.

- 

After a rather calm day at work, I drive down to Mr.Jeon's office in the City. It's a place I've never been to in the 2 years I've been living here in London, because why would I? I earn half of what the worst paid people here make.

My red mini doesn't fit between this tall grey skyscrapers, Mercedes and Audi's around me.

Mr.Jeon told me to park in the underground parking lot after announcing myself to the guard, before going to the first floor to announce myself again. The building is almost empty as it is past working hours.

After getting clearance, I'm escorted by a pretty brunette up to the 17th and last floor. I pass countless empty offices, until my guide stops in front of the sole lit up room. The wall is glass, so I can see about a dozen people inside.

"Mr.Jeon is in a meeting right now." The woman informs me. "You can wait for him right here."

She points at two chairs in the hallway placed by a closed office, right across from the meeting room.

"Thank you." I smile politely at her before taking a seat. The chair happens to be placed near the back of the meeting room, where I finally spot Mr.Jeon, sat down at the end of the table.

The motion of me sitting down catches his attention. He looks outside and spots me. I give him a smile and a slight nod to say hello. He smiles back to me, before reaching in his pocket and pulling his phone out. He starts typing, and I receive a text seconds later.

Mr.Jeon : You're early.

No, he’s late.

Me : I didn't want you to fire me again. 

I type back, press send and look up to dee his reaction. He smirks, looked amused as he types his answer.

Mr.Jeon : I would never. He writes back, followed by:

Mr.Jeon : You look very pretty today.

I purse my lips to stifle the unwanted smile creeping on my face. He's probably looking at me to watch me swoon and melt at his comment, but I won't give him this satisfaction.

When I look up, his eyes aren't on me. He's back into his meeting, looking straight ahead at the different numbers on  screen across the table.

Me : Texting during a meeting? I reply, deciding not to acknowledge the compliment. When he gets the notifications, he makes a quick matter of his response.

Mr.Jeon : Take the compliment. 

Oh this feels like an order. This man would love to boss me around.

Me : I don't like your tone. I retort.

When he sees my text, his head immediately turns to me, his eyebrows raised and his eyes challenging.

I shrug a shoulder, indicating I don't care if he doesn't like what he just read.

The corner of his mouth jerks a little, and he rolls his tongue against his cheek to refrain a smile, before looking back at his phone. I receive a text shortly after.

Mr.Jeon : Take the compliment, please. 

Me: No.

When he gets the text, his eyes shoot up at me, and he slowly shakes his head, seemingly amused.

But he doesn't reply. He instead focuses on the words being said inside the room. I watch as he suddenly frowns, and then start flipping through a pile of paper he has in front of him.

I don't hear what he's saying but he looks confused and slightly annoyed. He tells something to the man presenting, clearly reproachful.

Me: What's the meeting about? I ask out of curiousness. He doesn't look at my text until the issue is settled and his employee gives him a satisfying answer.

I'm already scrolling through my Instagram timeline when I get his response. Three texts in a row.

Mr.Jeon : Boring stuff 

Mr.Jeon : And finances

Mr.Jeon : What are you doing tonight?

Of course he'd ask. I smile at my phone.

Me: I don't think it's any of your business.

Mr.Jeon : Why do you assume I'm asking for unprofessional purposes?

Me: Because you probably are

Mr.Jeon : I wish Maya

Me: It’s Miss Fair for you

Mr.Jeon : Are you staying for dinner, Miss Fair?

Me: I'll have to decline...

I'm only declining to play hard to get. I would love to have dinner with him. Heck, I know I would want to take it even further. But I should be careful. I just promised Sid.

Mr.Jeon sits up first, buttoning his dark blue suit and signaling the end of the meeting. It is now 7:15. Everyone in the meeting follows, gets up and packs up, while Mr.Jeon exits the room first. I rise from my seat.

"Miss Fair." He greets me once he’s at my level.

"Hello, Mr. Jeon." I smile it him, extending my hand.

"Sorry for making you wait." He says to me, taking my hand shanking it.

"No worries." I reply, very well aware of the female employee taking her sweet time exiting the meeting room so she can stare at me. Does everyone in his company want to fuck him? Probably honestly.

“Long day?” I ask him. I can’t imagine having meetings until seven.

“Indeed. And you’ve already made it better.” He replies, successfully earning a chuckle from me.

"I have that effect on people sometimes." I shoot back.

"It's not the only one you have." He concurs. Oh, please. 

“Let me show you to my office.” He invites, before guiding me down the hall to the door at the very end of the corridor.

After tying a code, Mr.Jeon opens the door that leads into his office. 

It's a big, almost empty room. The back wall is entirely glass, making for a sweet landscape painting of downtown London. He has a rather small desk, with a leather ergonomic chair and two other ones placed across from him. As I walk further in, I notice a black leather sofa against the wall near the door, a chest of drawers and storage spaces and a sad single tall plant.

"This place is so sad." The words are out before I can understand how rude they are. I spin around to face Mr.Jeon, who is closing the door behind us. He's frowning at me.

"I'm sorry." I stutter, feeling my cheeks heat up. 

"I mean empty." I correct myself. He pauses for a second, and I believe the quick exhale of air he does after that is a quiet chuckle.

"I don't spend that much time here." He says in a way of explaining. "But I'll be happy to have you work on my office as well." He adds. This man always has his goal in mind.

"I'll think about it." I reply evasively.

“Have a seat.” He invites. I sit my butt on on the chair and watch him walk over to the left side of the room. 

“Would you like something to drink?” He proposes. Thats when I realize the storage spaces I saw where built-in furniture.

“You have a fridge in your office?” I don't know why I'm so amazed.

“I also have a bathroom with a shower and the sofa’s convertible.” He replies. A bathroom?

“You spend nights here?” I ask him.

“Sometimes." He answers simply. Woah. "Wine?” He offers. 

This man is always trying to get me drunk! Or maybe he's just trying to make me stay.

“I just need a quick signature.” I decline politely.

“Where’s the rush? Aren’t you off work?” He retorts.

“I am, but I'm not drinking tonight Mr.Jeon."

"Okay." He doesn't push, and instead closes the fridge and walks back to me. He takes place in his seat while I fish into my bag looking for my folder.

“This is the contract I prepared for you.” I announce once I've found it. I pull it out and place it on the table.

“This is just a standard contract from Union, I just put my name on it.” I explain, flipping through the first four page until I find the one where my payment is mentioned. I flip the document around and slide it across the table to he can read, but he doesn't even look at it, just watches me with intent. I tap down on the page.

“Fifteen percent.” I point out, since it’s the percentage we’ve agreed on. He doesn’t even look down at where I’m pointing at, just keeps staring at me with this cheeky smile of his.

“Where do I sign?” He asks me. This man, I swear. 

I sigh in order to try and hide my amusement.

“I thought you needed to read it through.” I remind him.

“I changed my mind.” He retorts. Oh, I’m sure he hadn’t planned on reading anything in the first place… It’s so annoying that his cheesy tactics still make my stomach feel funny.

I break the eye contact first, looking at the contract while I flip all the pages. “You can sign here, and here.” I indicate him. I watch him as he clicks his pen and scribbles onto the paper. 

“Thank you very much.” I say, grabbing the papers and putting them back in the folder.

“Anything else I can do for you?” He asks as I put back in my purse.

“I think I have everything I need.” I smile at him.

“Can I make a request, then?” He enquires, joining his hands on the table.

“Are you going to ask me to have dinner with you?”

“Will you say yes?”

“No.”

“Then no, that’s not my request.” He brushes off, shrugging. Oh?

“What can I do for you?” I ask him, resting my chin onto my fist.

“Can you answer my question as honestly as possible?” He asks, leaning a little bit closer to me.

“Sure.” I reply, hoping he's not going to be too indiscreet.

"That time when you called me after the inauguration of the Manor." He trails off. Oh, lord.

"What would have happened had I said yes?" He asks me. I take a second to remember the mindset I was in that night.

I was definitely very tipsy, but I also was very horny.

"I think we would've set a date." I reply."And after sobering up I would've chickened out probably." I say, because let's be realistic.

"Mmh..." He nods, still trying to read something in my eyes. Why is he asking me that anyways?

"Do you regret not accepting the offer?" I ask him. He's probably getting impatient. After all the farthest he's ever gone with me is touching my neck.

"I'm wondering what was different that night." He replies. "You were a lot more...open."

Yeah, no shit, Sherlock.

"Part of it was because of the alcohol." I argue.

"I figured." He says to me. "I was hoping it wasn't only that." He murmurs a little more quietly.

I stare at him for a second. Why does this small, unused part of my brain think he's actually trying with me?

"Can you answer my question?" I counter, mimicking him and joining my hands.

"Sure." 

"Promise to be honest?"

He smiles a little when I say that, and his gaze grows warm.

"I promise." He murmurs softly.

"How many women are you sleeping with?"

"Zero." He replies immediately. OH SURE!

He doesn't even try to come up with a credible number. Why did I think he would actually tell me the truth in the first place.

I roll my eyes to the heavens, leaning back against my seat in disappointment.

"Maya." He chuckles, pushing himself off of his desk.

"I have been working since seven in the morning. I've had five meetings, no lunch break, and I have a flight tomorrow morning for Dubai where I'll have to meet 13 potential clients in less than four days," He says to me, slowly circling his desk so he's closer to me.

"All while attending boring society functions and pretending I care about how many cars my investors have." He says, leaning against his desk when he's right next to me.

"I don't have time for more than one woman, but most importantly I don't have time for lies." He reassures me. I don't know if I believe that, but that does sound like a busy schedule. I don't see how he could fit multiple women in there. 

"Why waste your precious time on me then?" I sass, because why not? I cross my arms over my chest and lift a challenging eyebrow at him.

"I wouldn't do it if I considered it a waste of my time." He mimics me.

"Then why?" I ask, and he pauses for a second.

"I'm not sure." He says, shrugging. Oh.

There is a knock on the door that interrupts our discussion. Mr.Jeon slips off his desk and goes over to open it. I turn around out of curiosity, to see who’s behind the door. It’s his assistant Jimin.

"Yes, Jimin?" Mr.Jeon says to him. His assistant's eyes quickly scan the background and land on me. He then looks back at Mr.Jeon.

"Am I bothering?" He asks him.

"Be quick." Mr.Jeon replies. I might as well get ready to leave. I was just supposed to get a signature tonight. Chatting and flirting is fun, but it's getting late.

"Paul confirmed eight thirty tonight. Here are your keys." I hear Jimin explain to him while I look away.

"Thank you, Jimin." 

"You're welcome. Goodnight." He says, and just like that he's gone. I get up from my seat and swing my bag over my shoulder.

When I turn around Mr.Jeon is is standing by the open door.

"You're leaving?" He asks me.

"Don't you have a date at eight thirty?" I remind him, joining him at the door. "With Paul?" I tease, making him chuckle.

"A date with Paul?" He laughs, opening the door for me. "He's not really my type." He says as I step out.

"And he's my personal trainer if you're wondering." I hear him add as he closes the door behind us.

"And you were ready to go have dinner with me?" I challenge as we walk down the corridor towards the elevators. 

 "I'll trade a workout with Paul for dinner with you anytime." He says smoothly, looking down at me. I huff out a laugh, shaking my head.

Once we get to the elevators, I press the call button.

"Why are you asking? Have you changed your mind about dinner?" He asks me. 

"Not yet." I reply, turning to face him. He's standing closer to me than I expected.

He lets out a long sigh, shoving his hands in his pockets. I'm feeling playful.

"You could convince me." I tease, shrugging a shoulder. Just as I say these words, the doors to the elevator open.

"Convince you?" He repeats, his interest peaked. We step inside the elevator.

"How long do I have?" He asks me as I lean against the wall, grabbing the railing behind me. He goes to the opposite side to press the basement floor button.

"Just an elevator ride." I challenge just as the doors close on the both of us and the elevator starts moving down. An incredibly sexy smirk creeps across his face when I say that.

"What game are you playing right now, Maya?" He asks, eyes playful, taking a slow step towards me.

"I'm giving you a chance." I shrug, as he slowly approches me. I feel like he's going to jump me any second.

I should get him off his high horses.

"But you have to convince me..." I trail off, catching him trying to pull his hands out of his pockets.

"Without touching me." I murmur, when he's inches away from me. I swallow, all my confidence slowly leaving me. My eyes travel between his eyes and his lips.

Even though I just told him not to touch me, if he kisses me right now, I don't know what I'd do with myself.

"Without touching you." He repeats, looking both confused and amused. I nod, because I don't trust my voice to be steady enough. 

I feel the elevator slow down prematurely, indicating an impromptu stop. Mr.Jeon steps back, and that's when I realize I kind of had stopped breathing.

I straighten my back and turn away from him as the elevator comes to a full stop. The door open onto a man pushing a cleaning cart. A janitor.

After stiff greetings, the employee pushes his cart in, taking place right between me and Mr.Jeon.

Well, there goes whatever was going to happen there.

The ride down is silent, and it seems like the storage room is on the basement floor as well because that's where we all get off.

Mr.Jeon and I let him walk off while we linger in front of the elevators. My mini also happens to be parked right in front of us.

When our eyes finally meet after he's gone, we're both tempted to laugh.

"You failed." I observe, facing him.

"Well, there wasn't much I could do, was there?" He chuckles. True, true. I wish I could know he was going to say... or do to me.

"Maybe next time?" I say, well aware of the inviting tone of my voice.

"Maybe." He nods.

"Have a safe trip." I add over my shoulder, walking over to my car.

"Thank you, Maya. Get home safe." He replies, watching me get in and drive off.

[palmett-hoes]

per your post "every single one of the monsters is autistic and/or adhd" will you elaborate on that?, if you do i will love you forever (not that i wont if you dont do it)

oh boy i would love to!!! unironically nothing brings me more joy than writing long, convoluted character analysis posts

---

okay so i’ve written several posts before about why andrew is autistic. his moral code, the roundabout way he communicates, his body language, his stimulation-seeking behavior, his strict adherence to transactional deals, the emphasis on honesty, and a dozen other details. at this point i just take andrew being autistic as fact, not just an interpretation

h o w e v e r  i also hc that andrew is dyslexic, which is also a neurodiverse condition

- - -

similarly, i’ve seen more than one person interpret kevin as autistic, and i absolutely agree that it fits. not just the hyperfocus on exy but mostly the way he communicates. he’s very indirect, especially in his affection but very direct with his opinions. he tries to be helpful in a material way to the people he cares about, even if he comes off as negative. he wants the people he cares about to be safe and successful so he pushes them to work hard and reminds them in measurable ways how to stay healthy. he doesn’t factor in a lot of room for emotions, so instead he focuses on quantifiable things that he can improve. i personally act very similarly. approaching someone emotionally is hard for me, so when the people i care about have problems all i can think to do is try offering solutions, check up on their well-being, etc. practicality instead of conventional sentiment is extremely common with asd

- - -

so now let’s talk about neil. i had to think on this one for a WHILE but ultimately came to the conclusion that neil is adhd, probably hyperactive type. 

like obviously neil is high energy. i would say he probably does the most exercise of anyone on the team. morning run, morning practice, afternoon practice, night practice with kevin and andrew, plus he doesn’t have a car so he runs to class (on a BIG ass campus), and goes for an extra run when he feels stressed. that’s... insane, honestly.

neil reminds me SO MUCH of this post that goes:

“Was just informed by my mom that I do in fact have ADHD and the reason I thought I didn’t was because ever since I was seven whenever I got super energetic my mom would have me go chop wood so now when I’m feeling The ADHD I go chop wood”

(phenomenal post) and that’s neil to a t. tell me this isn’t exactly how neil handles his problems and also exactly what mary would have had to do to keep her unmedicated and very energetic son focused on the task of staying alive

neil also definitely has that ADHD on/off switch with his interest. the obvious being exy which is like the definition of a hyperfixation, but you can see it in other things: the way he runs totally hot or totally cold with people, his complete disinterest in his schoolwork, the way he can’t seem to sit still long enough to follow movies. but then there’s also the hyperfocus. doing the same drill for hours on end. watching exy game after exy game. staring at andrew until time falls away

what’s more, neil on many occasions shows racing thoughts, both in an anxiety way (and anxiety often goes hand-and-hand with adhd) but also as a way to quickly and accurately take in details about people to build a character profile of them. this is what allows him to connect with the foxes, how he manages to get through andrew’s puzzles, and even how he knows what to say in order to knock riko down a peg. his brain just works so fast and it takes in a lot of very specific details and disparate information to make connections.

but also like,, neil has a HUGE problem with time blindness. like the instant he didn’t have his mother around to manage and direct him anymore he lost all sense of time. he stayed in Millport for a YEAR. and what did he keep telling himself during that time? basically “i really need to move on, but not just yet.” for a YEAR! then he gets to palmetto and he’s like “i’ll cut and run in a month or two” then he doesn’t “i’ll be gone by halloween” wrong again “i’ll leave by the raven’s game” nope. like,, the boy just has NO sense of time and he can’t seem to make himself DO anything outside of an externally enforced schedule. and even then,,, HE HAD 48 FUCKING DAYS TO FIGURE OUT SOMETHING TO DO TO NOT GET MURDERED! 48 WHOLE DAYS. he didn’t make a plan, he didn’t write down any letters with goodbyes, he didn’t GO TO THE FBI LIKE HE’D INTENDED TO THE WHOLE TIME! nah he just made out with andrew and when he finally got to zero he was just like “ah shit, that was fast. oh well guess i’ll die” and that’s time blindness, babey!

---

let’s move on to nicky. 

now i think it would be really easy to say nicky is just adhd because he’s high energy and forgetful but tbh,, i don’t think that’s all of it. like if you really look at nicky’s character and especially at his problems, he has asd problems just as much as he has adhd problems.

so nicky is dual diagnosis asd and adhd. also nicky reminds me a lot of a girl i used to know who was autistic/adhd

so, adhd:

very generally speaking, ppl with adhd will struggle with sitting still, listening to and following instructions, planning/organization, following a schedule, and some social boundaries like “appropriate” times and topics of conversation

i would say you see hints of this with nicky. he’s definitely a rambunctious personality, constantly on the move, constantly stimulation seeking. he’s very tactile. he likes to dance, he likes to party, he complains about it but he’s an elite-level athlete. he’s also decidedly very chatty, and doesn’t seem to really pay attention to what he’s saying. he distracts himself and the people around him have to keep him on track. he has some trouble with boundaries. he’s a little all over the place. he’s almost a bit of an adhd stereotype

also one thing i find interesting is that when neil sees him in the library doing work neil is surprised to see he’s capable of that, especially bc when we see the upperclassmen doing work they generally do it in their dorms or on the bus and/or with other people around. that hyper-social nicky would be alone in a quiet place is weird. but this is like the most common tip for dealing with adhd. don’t do it in a familiar space. have a designated space and time to do work. limit distractions. just a lil detail

so now, asd:

in all honesty, most of nicky’s actual problems in the narrative could be viewed as stemming from asd symptoms. his number one issue being that he has a lot of trouble with nonverbal cues (and tbh, verbal ones too). the twins are mostly quiet. andrew especially (when he’s sober) communicates primarily nonverbally, and nicky seems to have a lot of trouble with this. despite knowing them for the longest on the team, nicky honestly seems to have the least insight into the way either of the twins actually thinks or processes things. he loves them, and he’s very forgiving of them, but he fundamentally doesn’t understand them. 

the twins, andrew especially, put up a LOT of nonverbal boundaries, and nicky sort of inadvertently keeps trampling all over them. he’s touchy in a way they don’t like. he talks a lot about their personal lives to other people. he treats them like they’re joking when they’re serious. etc. and like,,, you kind of get the sense that the upperclassmen feel similarly about him. beyond the homophobia, beyond the fact that he’s loyal to andrew, the upperclassmen still treat him with this sense of,, bafflement, i suppose? it’s clear that they don’t really understand him and he doesn’t really understand them. although, nicky IS curious about the upperclassmen, while the upperclassmen are pretty dismissive of him. it reminds me of when my sweet, floppy dog tries to play with my cat. their body language is different; they’re each receiving different signals than they believe they’re sending out

only,, nicky loves people!! he likes being around them, he likes talking to them. he’s interested in their lives and stories, but it’s very clear that he can’t read between the lines on people. he has an incredibly hard time with people who expect their actions to speak for them, which is most people, but is especially his cousins.

actually this is very much also an issue that i have: things need to be spelled out for me. the way i deal with it is i ask a lot of questions. ‘how do you want me to react to this potential situation?’ ‘what are specific things that make you most comfortable?’ ‘please explain to me exactly how you feel and what has prompted those feelings?’ and i’m always communicating vice versa like that with other people. a lot of specifics in both questions and answers

and the interesting thing is, when i was skimming through the books reviewing dialogue styles for another ask, i noticed that, actually, nicky DOES do this. with neil and the upperclassmen, nicky asks a LOT of quick, clarifying questions. things that ask after tone, that ask after intent. it’s kinda sad that he does this for communicating with acquaintances, but with the twins, the people he’s closest to, he makes a lot more assumptions. and i’m really proud of nicky for having this coping skill, because i can’t imagine it’s something he grew up doing. there’s no way he was raised in an environment that fostered this kind of open communication so it must have been something he learned about much later, probably in germany with the kloses, which would also explain why he’s a lil imperfect about it

---

now last but not least, aaron

this is another one i had to think through for a long time before it felt like it fit

much like how i felt that it would be easy to read nicky as simply adhd rather than also asd, i think it would be easy to say aaron is autistic simply because he is quieter, less rambunctious. however, i actually think he’s adhd, likely primarily inattentive type

in all honesty, aaron’s #1 character trait for the first two books is basically that he’s disconnected. detached. separated both from his family and his team. not in the same forcefully apathetic way that andrew is, more,, spaced out. he’s just kind,, there. not really paying attention to what’s going on, tuning in every once in a while only if something really catches his eye/ear then tuning right back out again. just sits in his corner and plays on his phone. and the thing is, from the moments when he does tune in, you can tell that he actually does care. he backs nicky when seth insults him in tfc, and we know he cares deeply about andrew even if he’s become disillusioned with their fraught relationship. he even hangs with his family, doesn’t seem to really try and slip away to other friends besides katelyn, he’s fine spending his leisure time with the monsters. so it’s not totally apathy, he’s just,,, tuned out most of the time

and, yea, that sounds like adhd. it’s not the type that most people are familiar with, and for a lot of people this causes it to slip under the radar. it can make it hard to get help or a dx because it doesn’t fit with how adhd “should” look or how someone “should” act, but difficulty focusing your thoughts and staying in tune with the current moment is absolutely part of adhd

addiction is also a huge problem for people with adhd. a lot of stimulants affect people with adhd very differently than neurotypicals, especially in small doses, and an adhd kid who’s struggled their whole lives with the disorder might try speed or god-forbid meth or fuck even coffee and suddenly find that things are a lot easier for them. they start to self-medicate, they don’t actually know what they’re doing, and then they’re addicted, and everything spirals out of control. we don’t know too many details about aaron’s addiction other than that his mother enabled him, but wouldn’t this fit? it’s also an explanation for aaron still taking drugs at eden’s, given that cracker dust seems to be a mild amphetamine. (aaron talk to betsy about the neurocog and get an actual prescription please)

(total throw away but aaron plays videogames and videogames are like,, adhd culture)

[moondustis]

one more time (m)

pairing: jung jaehyun + reader genre: smut, angst, fluff / friends to lovers | wc: 9,4k summary: Maybe this right here is a story about growing up and finding yourself, or about finding love and being vulnerable. But it definitely is a story about friendship, skating, pancakes and Jung Jaehyun learning how to deal with his feelings. song rec: and july - heize ft. dean / i think - tyler the creator / thinking about you - frank ocean 

Jung Jaehyun is born on February 14 of 1997, valentine’s day. He is a cute and healthy baby, as he should be and cries from being outside the comfort of his mother’s belly for the first time. 

He grows up well, loved and cherished by the ones around him and filling his mother’s heart with joy and pride. He’s a happy child, then a smart teenager, just a little shy but still outgoing enough to be surrounded by friends all the time. 

He meets Seo Johnny at school and learns a lot of things from him, but most importantly he learns how to skate. And Johnny is a good friend, a good example as his mother says, because even if sometimes they skip school, he teaches Jaehyun that crying after he falls a bit too hard from a trick doesn’t make him less of a man. And Jaehyun embraces that, thinks that he always had too many feelings inside of him to begin with and he deals with all of them. 

And he’s okay, for the most part but somewhere along the way something shifts and it’s not as easy anymore. It’s not as easy as falling down on the hard concrete of his sidewalk and getting up again because college had a way of changing people, and it does a good job on him. He shuts down a good part of himself to other people, stays in his closed circle of friendships and leads his life like that, hoping that he can finally graduate and do something he actually enjoys, but at the same time dreading that day, because he wasn't sure if he was ready for the pressure of having to know exactly where to go in life. 

Maybe this right here is a story about growing up and finding yourself, or about finding love and being vulnerable. But it definitely is a story about friendship, skating, pancakes and Jung Jaehyun learning how to deal with his feelings. 

✿

Jung Jaehyun is a fuckboy. 

Ok, not literally, but he fits the stereotype suspiciously well. For starters he’s one of the guys that like to skate around campus, and dresses like someone that probably listens to Mac Miller or Tyler, the Creator, with his vans and oversized t-shirts. To make matters worse he looks like a model, walking around with his perfect face and perfect body, making literally every girl in the class you share together swoon every time he walks into the room.  And honestly that’s all you have against him, because he doesn’t actually sleep around all that much and breaks girls hearts. Not that you have heard of at least and it was a relatively small campus. 

But see, Jaehyun is a confusing person, because even if he goes around the campus screaming as his friends do flips or whatever they’re called and sometimes wears t-shirts that say things like ‘fuck cops’, he’s also incredibly quiet and kinda shy from the interactions you had seen him have with your classmates. And on top of all that, he’s majoring in education to become an elementary teacher, like that isn’t the most adorable career in the world.

So yeah, he confuses you. Even more when your first interaction ever with him goes like this: 

You’re in the middle of Psychology 101, the coffee in your system being the only thing keeping your two eyes wide open as the teacher goes on with the lecture. You are not sure if you are really paying attention or just writing down whatever he says, because underneath all that coffee you’re actually very tired from staying up late writing an assignment, and soon the caffeine boost will go away, leaving you with the weird feeling of exhaustion. 

The ‘pssts’ start low. So low that you don’t even notice, but when a very insistent one is accompanied by a finger poking your back, you have to turn around to see what is going on, being met with Jung Jaehyun, cheeks pink, looking at you with a bashful look. 

“Hi.” Is all he says and nothing else, in a rushed whisper as the teacher continues on with the talking.

You blink slowly because the coffee doesn't actually make you think faster, before you’re whispering back “Uh, hi.” 

“Sorry for interrupting you.” That’s very considerate of him to say, your mind provides. “But I skipped the last class and was wondering if you took notes of it? So I can, like, copy them. Please.” 

He adds the last word quickly, as if he’s afraid you’ll think of him as rude otherwise. You haven’t done that much thinking about Jaehyun in the past, just the here and there thoughts, but none of them had been about him being anything but nice. And a fuckboy, but that’s beside the point.

“Oh.” You just look at him for a second before you’re snapping out of it, shaking your head as you turn to your notebook. “Sorry. You can, sure.” You flip your notes until you’re on the page you had messily written down the notes for last class, overreacting for a second that he would think you are stupid because of your terrible handwriting. But all he does is take your notebook when you offer it to him, quickly snapping a picture with his phone before he’s handing it to you again.

He thanks you with a smile that’s almost not there but that still makes your heart flutter involuntary. You had a thing for cute boys what could you do? So you smile back and it stays like that for another second until he decides to break the awkwardness. 

“Uhm, are you going to Taeil’s party this weekend?” Multiple questions fill your mind at that. Who’s Taeil? What party? Why the fuck was he asking you that? Are you hallucinating this from your lack of sleep?

“I’ll probably drop by to see how it is.” Is the lie you reply with, a shrug helping you play the unbothered act too well. It’s a little pathetic if you think about, but that’s the thing, you’re not thinking at all. 

“Oh, cool. I’ll see you there, then.” And that’s it, that’s the entire interaction and it leaves you confused for the remaining of the lecture, wondering if that actually did really happen because it sure felt a bit unreal. 

When you get to your dorm room after your class, the coffee high is completely gone and you feel ready to plop down on your bed and sleep for 5 hours until you have to be up again to finish assignments. But before you can do that. you see your roommate, Jungwoo, eating cereal on the kitchen counter and you can’t help but ask. 

“Do you know a Taeil?” Again, it was a small campus so there were probably not many Taeils around. That and Jungwoo actually knew a lot of people, from his connections, as he liked to say.

He thinks about it for a second, over a spoonful of cereal before he’s saying “Moon Taeil? Yeah he's in my class.” You can’t even be bothered by him speaking with his mouth full and the fact that you’re absolutely not sure if that’s the Taeil you’re looking for. 

“Nice. Do you wanna go to his party this weekend?” A bold invitation that makes Jungwoo raise one eyebrow at you. 

“What? Why do you wanna do that?” In all honesty you don’t know either, probably something about a really attractive man and your very out of usual interaction with him, but you won’t tell him that because facing Jungwoo’s teasing was exhausting. 

You shrug. “Just because.” 

That makes him squint his eyes at you. “Okay…. It's just that you don't go to parties.” In your defense, you do. You just hadn’t been to one since your freshman year, a whole one year and a half ago. 

“Jungwoo it’s a simple question.” You huff in annoyance because you’re tired and every moment that you spend in his presence is another step closer to just spilling everything about your short and weird interaction with Jung Jaehyun. “Do you want to or not?” 

“Yes.” He replies quickly, still giving you a weird look. “I can't miss the opportunity of seeing you drunk again.

“I'm not getting drunk.” You simply say before you’re walking to your room.

✿

You get very drunk, smashed even, from something pink and slightly citrusy that you and Jungwoo had downed shot after shot of. The party was, well, a party. It wasn’t full but there was definitely more people than there should be at a house this small, and the songs playing weren’t exactly that bad, you even recognized one or two. 

And Jungwoo was as splattered as you, but he still offered to fetch you some water, with a promise of staying glued to the wall coming from you. And that’s where Jung Jaehyun finds you, barely standing still from how drunk you are. 

“___!” He says happily, catching you off guard and you wonder how he knew your name. But again you knew his and you shared a class together. 

He looks good, is the first thing you notice, with a snapback and a t-shirt that has a small bear on it and is too big for him. “Jaehyun!” You reply in the same fashion as he said your name and it makes him smile, a different one from the last time. 

“It’s nice seeing you here.” He says, moving to stand next to you on the wall and you’re just slightly overwhelmed by how good he smells. The world around you spins for a moment and you giggle for no reason. “Are you having a good time?” 

“Ugh!” First of all, a disclaimer. Drunk you was absolutely and completely stupid, a fool that liked to say nonsense and that’s why you say the next words. “Do we really have to do small talk right now?” 

He laughs at your childish whine, looking at you with eyes filled with amusement and appearing just a little drunk. Definitely less drunk than you. “What should we talk about, then?” 

Maybe he’s a bigger fool than you are for even entertaining your silliness. “I don’t know.” You look at him through hooded eyes, probably pouting from trying to think of something to say to a guy you just talked for the first time a week ago. “Don’t you miss, like, when we were kids and could just talk about whatever? Like what’s your favorite color, you know? Why did we stop doing that?”

In the back of your head, the sound of clown music starts playing. He on the other hand seems amazed by your blabbering. “Favorite colors?” His voice is just about teasing and you groan in slightly embarrassment. 

“You know what? Forget it. Shhhhh.” You drunkenly press one finger to his lips as if to emphasize your shushing. His lips twitch in the want to smile. “Let’s just do something else.” 

You don’t realize that your words sound suggesting but he does, raising one eyebrow and smiling at you. “Hmm, like what?” 

He moves closer to you but before you have the time to react, Jungwoo is coming back, water bottle on his hand and a look on his face that says he thinks you’re up to no good. He eyes you up and down before looking at Jaehyun and doing the same. He looks slightly more sobered up, but still tipsy.

“Jungwoo!” You exclaim, holding your hands out for the water bottle. 

He looks between you and Jaehyun before saying “Hello. Who are you?” It would have sounded slightly rude if it weren't for the cute tone he uses. 

You’re quick to say “This is Jaehyun, he’s-“

“I’m her friend.” He says it naturally and you wonder when you had gained that title, the giggle you let out against your own will, too drunk for you own good. 

Jungwoo says something to him that you don’t quite catch but then he’s dragging you away with a whine coming from your lips as you wave a sad goodbye to Jaehyun from behind your shoulder and he does the same with an amused smile.

“I leave you one minute alone and you try to act a fool in front of a man that good looking.” He whispers as you walk away and all you can do in return is laugh out loud.  You would probably not even remember any of this tomorrow, anyway. 

✿

You remember everything, of course. And Jaehyun starts saying hi to you every time he sees you around campus after that, always with a smile and his dimples showing up, making you blush in a silly way. But it’s only after two weeks that you finally talk with him again.

You had met Taeyong on your freshman year and after finding out he was really similar to you, you had become friends quickly. He was someone that everyone immediately felt comfortable around, that’s why it was no surprise when you find out at his birthday party that he’s friends with Jaehyun too. 

When you arrive at the party, Jungwoo by your side, there’s not many faces that you don’t know and after you hug Taeyong with a kiss to his cheek, you spot him standing by the kitchen counter. There’s a beer in his hand and he’s wearing all black, a sight that you don’t mind looking at.

He doesn’t notice you at first, his focus on a taller guy talking to him, but when he does he greets you with a wide smile that is enough to turn your legs into jelly by itself, but then he’s making his way towards you. Your heart starts beating a tiny bit faster, your hand moving to fix your hair in habit. 

“Hello.” He greets and Jungwoo decides that’s a good time to leave you side and go talk to his other friends, not even sparing you an explanation. He knew what he was doing. “Didn’t know you were friends with Taeyong.”

You smile like a silly girl. “Yup, he’s like my soulmate.” 

His smile grows wider at that, a pair of dimples making their way to his face and you almost groan because there’s no way he could get any more charming than this. “That's how I know you are a good person.” He jokes and you let out a snort, giving him a funny look. 

“Our first interaction was me letting you borrowing my notes, that should've been enough.” You point out in a teasing manner, not really meaning the words. 

“You’re right.” The ghost of a smile graces his lips as he defends himself, the faint sight of a blush gracing his cheeks as he avoids your eyes.

He offers to get you a beer after that, leading you to the kitchen with a hand on your back that feels weirdly nice. You were never one to get stupid crushes but that’s exactly how you feel around him, like at any moment you will say or do anything really dumb because of your infatuation. You wonder if it’s because of his looks or the way he seems a little shy around you.

“By the way, you never told me your favorite color that night.” He says, eyes twinkling with mischief as he offers you the beer, which you gladly take after immediately letting out a groan.

“Ugh, shut up. Don’t remind me of that.” You are sure your entire face is red from embarrassment at just the thought of the things you had said that night. It wasn’t even that bad, Jungwoo had said, but you like to overreact, so you cover your face with your free hand.

“Why? It was cute.” His voice is filled with amusement and when you peak from under your hand you can see his face is as well. “I like how funny you are.” 

The words only make your face get hotter as you smile awkwardly. You were far from funny, your friends liked to remind you of that fact. But how could you be when you had friends like Jungwoo that absolutely made everyone in a room laugh without even trying. But still, his words make you feel a little proud, that at least you were able to make a pretty guy think that. 

“I don't have a favorite color, it always changes.” You say suddenly, going back to the previous subject to avoid making the conversation about you. Even if you had to talk about something like favorite colors. “I like when the sky turns pink during sunset, I guess you could say it’s that one right now. ” 

He hums, taking a sip of his beer before saying “It's a good one.” 

You huff, he was really trying hard for a conversation about such a stupid matter. Still, you continue to entertain it. “What's yours?”

He pursues his lips, think about it for a second. “I don't know… I like black.”

“Obviously.” You deadpan and it makes him laugh like you actually said something funny. 

Jaehyun stays by your side for the rest of the night, trying his best not to make small talk and it surprises you how easy he is to talk to. He asks you about your favorite everything, from animals to movies and it’s really nice to find out you two have more in common than you would ever imagine. By the end of the party you are glued to his side on a probably too crowded couch, his close proximity making you warm all over and only bothering the butterflies on your stomach more.

It’s when he lets out a loud laugh at something Jungwoo and Yukhei are going back and forth about, hiding his face on your shoulder as his whole body shakes with laughter, that you know for a fact you’re fucked. Completely fucked.

✿

Jaehyun and you become friends very fast after Taeyong’s birthday. It’s almost weird, because both of you seem to be just a little too shy for you own good, but things just happen naturally when you are with him.

It starts with silly jokes passed around in notes on your shared lecture, with your face turning red from how hard you try not to laugh out loud and sharing your favorite songs with each other. Then it becomes grabbing a coffee after class, and sharing something sweet because you both deserve it after enduring such a boring lecture. It all leads to what it is now, two months later and your days are filled with Jaehyun’s comfortable presence, his laugh and late nights texts about any subject that comes to mind and sharing your biggest dreams and some of your fears with him. 

It scares you at the same time it makes you extremely happy, because you had never been someone who had many friends, letting people in and connecting was hard, so you decided very early that navigating life with a few close friends was enough. But Jaehyun makes it all seem very easy and it’s suddenly like you can’t imagine your life without him anymore. 

That brings you to where you are right now. You have both had a long week and decided that it would be nice to have a movie night, and after you had ate the chinese takeout you ordered, you settle on on his couch as romantic comedy movie plays. You’re both comfortable, his eyes stayed glued on the screen, laughing as a character makes a joke about oral sex. Maybe that’s why you ask your next question out of nowhere. Or maybe you’re just stupid. Probably the last one.

“Have you… Have you ever gone down on a girl?” The words are stammered out as you look down your lap, cheeks going pink. You immediately regret asking because you can feel his eyes on you as he searches for a response.

“Wha -- Where did that come from?” It’s even more unsettling that you can’t pinpoint exactly what he’s thinking. Sometimes Jaehyun was hard to read, and that bothered you. 

The small laugh that leaves your lips is fake. “It's a silly question, right? Sorry, I wasn't thinking.”You continue avoiding his eyes, picking at the nail polish that was already chipping on your fingers. 

“Its okay.” He’s quick to say, always making sure you’re not unsure of yourself.  “And, yeah. I mean, I have, of course.”

He says as if it’s obvious. As if it’s something that he absolutely needed to do and all you can say back is “Oh.” 

“Why?” It’s a good question, really. Because you have no idea where you are trying to go with this conversation, but now it got him to pause the movie and to look at you with expectation on his eyes. So you can’t do anything but continue. 

“I don't know…” You gulp down, slightly shaking at what you’re about to say. “I have never — No one has ever done that to me.” 

“Never?” He sounds surprised, annoyed even, but you wouldn’t know what he looks like because you continue to avoid his face, playing with the hem of you skirt instead now. 

There was no reason that you two should be having this conversation, because you were friends and nothing else. But again, friends talked about this all the time. Friends could talk about sex right? Friends could share experiences and joke about it without getting awkward or making a complete big deal out of something so normal. 

Jaehyun lets out a deep breath and then it’s silence for a second. You feel small and embarrassed, because deep down you know that you didn’t say this just as a normal friendly comment. It’s like somehow, you knew exactly that he would say what he does. Or better yet, proposition it. 

“I could…” His words are tentative, almost a whisper as if he wants to put the two of you in a bubble that no one can break in. “I could show you.”

Your eyes widen as you look at him “What? You — What?” 

And Jaehyun is so gentle, as he slides over the couch to be next to you, and give you the comfort you need, and as he cradles your cheeks with his hands. “W-We don’t have to.” He assures, but something on his voice that says he really wants to. “But I'll take care of you. If you let me.”

He’s too much, you think as you stare at his face with glossy eyes. There’s a line that’s been placed on your friendship, a very fine line between what it is now and what it could become. Right now that line is wavering, even more when all you can do is nod your head slowly, giving him all the agreement he needs to press his lips against yours.

It’s a sweet kiss, his lips molding to yours and you can’t help but sigh. It feels right, even if it maybe isn’t. He kisses you with the delicacy of someone who knows this could ruin something good, but at the same time with the determination of someone who wants this too much to care. 

He tilts his head, deepening it as he sucks on your bottom lip before he’s swirling his tongue on it, asking for entrance that you so gladly gives. And you’re not completely inexperienced, you had done this before and knows, how it feels to have someone on top of you, how it feels to have someone try to make you feel good, but when his tongue slides against yours you can feel your head spin and the arousal on the pit of your stomach only grows. 

It’s with slow and calculated moves that he gets you to lay on the couch, with him pressing kisses all over your neck and wherever he can. You watch with your heart beating too fast as he moves down, lifting your shirt a bit past your navel so he can kiss there too, and then he’s slipping your skirt off. 

It makes you antsy being in only your panties in front of him, even more when it’s just a simple cotton and pink material, but he pays it no mind. Instead he continues to press kisses all over your thighs, holding them apart when you try to close them and you shiver in anticipation.

“Are you nervous?” He asks, with fingers hooked on each side of your underwear, about to pull them down. 

You huff because isn’t it obvious? You’re about to have someone eat you out for the first time. Your friend out of all people. “Y-yes.” 

He smiles at you, a smile too sweet for what he's about to do but you still smile back. “Don’t be, I’ll make you feel good.” 

And you know he will because he’s a man of his words.

You close your eyes tightly as he slides your panties off, resisting the urge to completely close your legs because he’s so close and you feel so exposed. And he wastes no time, face just above you and when his fingers come in contact you jump a little. 

You feel as he parts your lower lips, a puff of breath making a shiver run down your body and then he’s pressing a kiss to your most sensitive spot. A whine leaves your lips because of the new feeling, and it only gets higher when his lips close around you, sucking like he has a purpose. It’s almost overwhelming, both because it’s him and because it’s the first time. He licks at your clit, with swirls of his tongue that are kitten like before he’s flattening his tongue down to your entrance, lapping at it and gathering your wetness so he can move to your clit again. 

You trash around and wail, too sensitive but too into it, even more with the way he grips at your thighs to keep them open. He seems to enjoy it, humming against you as he licks you like a starved man before he’s saying with his face still pressed to your center “Taste so good.” The words are muffled and they send vibrations to your core, making you blush as you let out a loud moan. 

You come easily, with laps of his tongue and the knot on your stomach getting tighter and tighter until it snaps completely and you cry out, a mess of curse words and his name and white spots blurring your vision. And he continues his ministrations, tongue pressing inside of your entrance as if he doesn’t want to let any of it to go to waste. 

When he comes up again his lips are red with your arousal making it and his chain shine. You don’t even have the time to feel embarrassed because he kisses you, a strong press of his lips against yours and then his tongue, that was just a second ago inside of you, invades your mouth and slides against yours. You can taste yourself on him and you can feel his hardness pressing against your exposed thigh, your head spinning as he moans in the kiss.

You try to move your hips to press against his in an almost shy movement, but he feels it. A groan escapes his lips as he breaks the kiss, looking completely disheveled. It’s a sight you would probably never forget. “Fuck, I don’t have anything on me.”  He breaths out  and you realize he’s talking about a condom and just the thought of him being inside of you is enough for you to close your eyes as a new wave of pleasure runs through your body. “I want to fuck you so bad. God, so fucking bad. Would you have let me, huh? Would you let me fuck your sweet cunt?”

He noses at your cheeks as you throw your head back. This is not something friends should be saying to each other, far from it. But you still nod, because you would without a thought. And maybe that’s your first mistake. 

✿

Jaehyun fucks you for the first time on the first day of summer. Not that any of you knew that, it’s just something that if you were romantic enough you would think about. 

It’s hot inside his messy room, that you pretended not to notice for his sake. Even hotter with the way he presses kisses against your neck and thrusts into you in a pace that is as calculated as it is maddening. He’s good at it, not that it surprises you. 

He eats you out after he finishes inside the condom and you cry out his name because it’s like he’s trying to make sure that you should never settle for anything less than this. And he’s so willing, with his tongue pressing hard against you and with movements that make you grip at his hair for leverage. 

It’s as clear as day that he’s experienced at this, at least more experienced than you are, because your body count number doesn’t go higher than two and you had just gotten head for the first time a week ago. It makes you feel almost inadequate at the same time it makes a thrill run through your body, eyes glossy and wide as you stare at him practically devour you. 

Your second orgasm hits you with a loud gasp and your whole body shaking in his hold. He holds you like he won’t let you escape, and he doesn’t. 

It becomes a regular thing, the fine line you had drawn between your blooming friendship and something else completely gone as Jaehyun calls you on a thursday night, asking you to come over and then fucks you for the second time with the window open, because summer this year was almost unbearable and sweat clings to both of your skins as he makes you come with a shout of his name. 

It’s an unspoken arrangement, that when one of you needed it you could always call, be it because you’re so stressed from assignments that you need a way to let it all out or because you had a little too much to drink at a party and needed to feel it. 

It goes like this for the whole duration of summer and you think you don’t go three days without seeing Jaehyun. He basically memorizes everything that makes you shake and teaches you everything that he likes, and it’s good. It’s good and it’s easy, no strings attached and you’re fine with it. 

But here’s the catch, because there’s always a catch. You’re not really fine with it. 

You remember one time, when you were around 8, that a teacher made a joke about you and a classmate being more than friends. The mere thought of a romance at that age had made you cry out loud until your mother arrived to pick you up. 

The moment stayed with you, because even at high school, relationships were something you would rather not focus on, not until college at least. But when college came around you didn’t change, still putting your love life aside so you could focus on things that you considered more important.

Now at 21, and still single, it was easy to realize, even if it took some time to finally get out from the denial, that you were scared. Scared of commitment and of being completely vulnerable to someone, even if sometimes when you laid in bed you felt extremely lonely and when you saw your friends getting in loving relationships, it made you just the tiniest bit jealous. It wasn’t a great feeling.

You had never dated before, only had flings that didn’t last much. And you weren’t a romantic, not at all, didn’t think that a relationship would make you happy and definitely weren't willing to give up your dreams for one. But still, it hurtsj ust a little to see your friends settle in while you stayed alone and it hurts just a little that intimacy had become something you desperately craved.

And maybe at the begging of your relationship with Jaehyun you had thought that this would finally be it. And maybe you were also just stupid and too naive to let you relationship get to where it is, but it becomes something more. Somewhere between the first kiss your shared and him fucking you on the bathroom of some party, because you just couldn’t wait, Jung Jaehyun caves a place for himself inside your life and you let him, the feelings blossoming in your chest getting too big to handle every day.

And he is still confusing, because he is too nice, too gentle. He sends you silly pictures of himself during the day, tells you about the skate tricks he finally got right even though you have no idea what he’s talking about. He buys you sweets when you say you had a bad day and sometimes, the times you dread the most, he kisses you like he means something more with it. Sometimes he fucks you with unplaced gentleness that if you closed your eyes you could believe this was something more. 

But it isn’t because at the same time you hear whispers about a girl he was with at a party, you see his phone light up with texts that you don’t read, but your mind can’t help but overthink as something that makes your stomach turn.

But you let it happen, because in your mind maybe having him like this is better than nothing, at least for now. And maybe, even if you were craving for it deep down, you weren't ready to have it. So summer comes and goes and you wish your feelings went away with it. 

✿

Watching people skate becomes an entertaining activity. Something about the movements and the sound of the wheels rolling on concrete made you extremely calm, putting aside the noises of screaming boys and all the curse words they said. 

Even with the direction your relationship took, Jaehyun still seemed to consider you a close friends, something you found extremely bittersweet. He still complained about his classes, still texted you stupid things during the day and he still took you to the skate park to watch him and his friends do tricks for hours. 

The only things that had changed were the sex and the fact you were falling in love with him. No big deal. 

You watch as Jaehyun’s tall friend, that had been introduced to you as Johnny, goes for a trick that involves him jumping and ends up falling, making everyone around him laugh and scream jokes. It was extremely amusing to see a bunch of 20 years old act so carefree and boyish, a small laugh escaping your lips.

Jaehyun helps Johnny up, a wide smile on his face as he says something you can’t exactly hear but it must be funny because it makes Johnny laugh. You’re so entranced with the scene that you don’t notice the red hair man approaching you.

“Whats up, ___?” Yuta says with a grin as he stands tall in front of where you’re sitting on a bench. He was one of the few of Jaehyun friends that actually tried to make you feel welcome when he brought you along to their skate sessions, always making conversation and offering to keep you company. 

“Hey, Yuta.” You smile back, shielding your face from the sun so you can see him better. 

“Just gonna sit here by yourself?” Shrugging you watch as he drops the skate he had been holding down and steps on it as a habit. “I can teach you how to skate if you want.”

He wiggles his eyebrows suggestively, making you laugh. “No thank you, I've seen you fall too many times to consider that.” Jaehyun had already offered you the same thing too, but you had absolutely no interest in getting up that four wheeled thing and ending up with a broken bone.

“Please, I'm just falling to get your attention.” His flirty words are not a surprise. He had been like this from the moment you met, saying things that made a blush set on your face. At first it had made you confused but now you knew it was just how he was. “Besides, I never fall as hard as I'm falling for you.”

The last words are said in a sultry voice that makes you laugh even louder, hand coming to your face as you shake your head in disbelief. “Pfft, you’re so corny.” 

The sound of your laughter must have attracted attention, because next thing you know Jaehyun is approaching the both of you with his skate underneath one arm and a weird look on his face. “What’s up?” He asks when he gets close enough, dropping the skateboard down and lifting the snapback he has on to run a finger through his hair. 

Yuta rolls his eyes, feigning annoyance. “Jeez, nothing. Mind your business.” 

You laugh, giving him a pointed look that seems to amuse him to no end. “Don't be mean.”

That makes him smile and he winks at you before saying “Just ‘cause you asked nicely.” And then he’s skating away, leaving you and Jaehyun alone. 

He looks at you and smiles just shy from letting the dimples you liked so much show up. “Was he bothering you?”

You scoff. “Or course not, Yuta is harmless.”

“Yeah, right.” His tone drips in sarcasm as he sits down right next to you, legs spread open and an arm coming to rest behind you. Sometimes his actions screamed masculinity and it made you feel a weird thing inside of you. 

“He was just messing around, he says flirty stuff to everyone.” 

He huffs, looking around everywhere like he’s trying to avoid your face. “It’s just.. they keep talking about you. Pisses me off.” The words are barely audible, like he’s just saying it to the air and not to you. 

You’re confused, eyes dropping as you pick on the green polish on your nails. “What do you mean?” You didn’t think most of his friends even cared about your existence so knowing they talk about you in the way he’s suggesting is a surprise and it makes you antsy. 

He shrugs, giving a small laugh that’s merely another huff. “Doesn’t matter.” You want to ask more but just then he looks at you again, the sunset making him look almost angelic. He’s quick to add another question, as if to not give you the opportunity to say more. “Do you wanna go to IHop after?”

It catches you off guard, but you still nod. “O-Okay.” 

Jaehyun confused you some times and that’s what happens when he slides a hand to your cheek after nodding. The kiss he presses to your lips is chaste, not quick but also not long. It feels like something casual, like a couple would do out of naturality. 

It’s the first time he kisses you in front of his friends or outside of his room, for that matter. It makes the butterflies in your stomach go crazy but you’re not stupid and you would have to be to not realize what this is. He’s trying to show his friends that they shouldn't mess with you. 

It’s a bittersweet kiss, like most things seem to be these days with him. He walks away after breaking the kiss, with the excuse of saying his goodbyes before you can leave and you watch him with a twisting feeling in your stomach. 

The kiss is not mentioned again as you two walk side by side to the restaurant but the weird feeling sticks with you. Most days you try to act like nothing's wrong, because if you think rationally about it, it isn’t. But there’s something about the look on Jaehyun’s face when he talked about his friends, and there’s something about the way you want desperately to hold his hand but can’t, that makes you want to cry just a little.

He orders huge pancake pile that you both share, making you laugh when he stuffs his mouth too full and offering you the last piece because that’s just how he is. It makes you forget about the lingering feelings for a while, the warmth of having a friend like him settling in instead and you can’t help but wonder if it would’ve been better if it just stayed like this. 

When the pancake is over and you’re both too full to even have a conversation he slides his hand to where yours is placed on the table. It’s just a small gesture, him picking your hand up in his and eyeing your fingers before saying “I like when you paint your nails like this.”

He means the colorful setup you got going on, with each finger a different colors because you just liked how it looked and it made you happy. “Maybe I can do yours one day.” You say around a smile. 

And he agrees, of course he does. “That would be nice.” He continues holding your hand but you don’t think much of it.  “That movie we wanted to watched came out, wanna go watch it at my dorm?” 

In your mind you think that’s clue for something else so you just laugh, shaking your head. “I don't know Jae. I’m so full i don't think I can have sex without like throwing up.”

The laugh he lets out makes you heart feel full.  “We are just going to watch a movie.” He says while squeezing your hand softly. 

And you do end up just watching a movie, like old times. It’s fun and you feel happy, but the feelings in your heart come back in full force when you go back to your dorm and you can’t help to wonder what it would be like if you could just stay at his and cuddle like a couple would do. Then you wonder what it would be like if you hadn’t crossed the line.

If you cry yourself to sleep, then that’s beside the point.

✿

Three days later Yuta asks if you and Jaehyun are dating, out of curiosity. The question makes your stomach turn, and when you say no he asks you out on a date. It’s weird, mostly because you think at first that he’s just joking as always, flirting with you to make you laugh. But when it dawns on you that he isn’t, you say you would think about it. 

You say that for two reasons. Just yesterday, you had to sit on a lecture while some girl whispered about how Jaehyun had a big dick and how she knew that was obvious. You had heard about people talk about him before, and it always made you feel weird but now, when every time you’re with him you can’t help but feel your feelings get stronger and stronger, it makes you feel almost sick. That’s reason number one.

Reason number one is that you have realized that you deserved to be on dates and have fun, and just feel like your feelings mattered and were reciprocated. 

So you say you’ll think about it and you do, and the realization you come to is far deeper than you expected. And in retrospect, maybe it was a bit out of impulse. 

You’re laying on Jaehyun’s bed, right after you two fucked, with you on top because he fell down and hurt his ankle. You’re wearing a big t-shirt of him and he has one arm across his eyes, recovering his breath and basking on the glow that is an orgasm.

You don’t know why you say it, but next thing you know you’re sitting up on the bed and letting the words out. “Yuta asked me out.”

His arms slides to his side as he looks at you, eyes swirling with something you can’t quite place yet. “What?” His voice gives it out, jealousy. “And what did you say?”

“I said yes.” You don’t take your eyes off him. It’s a lie because you didn’t know what you were going to say yet. But you felt like you had to say something to him before you made any decisions. Like you owned him something. 

“Why?” His eyebrows are furrowed and you can’t help but scoff.

“Because I wanted to.” You suddenly remember the girl from your class, and the other rumors and it just makes you feel bitter. He just mutters a low okay, like he doesn’t know what else to say right now and it just pisses you off. You wonder if it would be better if he protested against it. 

A lump forms in your throat as he avoids your eyes, and you decide that you need to be brave enough for once. “I think… That maybe we should stop doing this.” It’s tentative, the lump only growing as you watch him close his eyes tightly. There’s something you want him to say but you have a feeling he isn’t.

“Because of Yuta?” Your head drops as you shake it. He’s unbelievable. 

“No, what the fuck? Of course not.” You hiss, looking at him and wishing he would just look at you. Maybe that would make this better. “I- I just don’t think I can do it anymore.” 

It’s the truth. But why do you feel like crying? There’s a pain in your chest that makes you want to run from here and hide forever, a headache starting to form from holding back your tears. He takes a deep breath, finally opening his eyes but still not looking at you. “Okay. If that’s what you want.” He sounds pained but it’s all that he says. 

You get up from the bed slowly, gathering your things in complete silence and you know then that everything from now on will change. You wish he would say something, beg you to not leave, tell you that he doesn’t want to stop it. Wishes that he would just hold you and comfort you like he always does, but he doesn't. “We… We can still be friends.” You mumble out, because that’s the thing you’re scared to lose the most.

He lets out a sad little laugh that breaks your heart. “Of course. We’ll never stop being friends, ____.” 

And you can’t help but laugh quietly too, before you’re muttering out your goodbyes and leaving the room before you turn back on it like you want to.

✿

Jung Jaehyun was not a big romantic, despite being literally born on the day that glorified it. It’s not that he doesn’t care about it, he’s still soft hearted after all, but the big gestures and all the dramatics that seemed mandatory to it just didn’t do it for him. He always thought that love should be something easy, that came naturally and without much thought not something that served to rip your heart of your chest and leave you restless.

That’s why he probably has so much trouble dealing with it, because it usually wasn't easy at all. 

He remembers when his parents got a divorce when he was in high school, something that he saw coming but still managed to mess with him. At the time he refused to cry about it or even acknowledge the whole thing was happening, instead staying out of home until late hours and deciding that some things weren't worth enough to bother about.

He went like that until Johnny said the words he thinks about sometimes even now. “You have to own your feelings.” He had said as they sat side by side on a sidewalk, sweaty from skating but with the adrenaline, that only feeling the wind as you go down a slope can make you feel, pumping on their bloods. “If you don’t you’ll never be able to be yourself. Or know what you want.”

Right now, as he thinks about that moment he gets a bit nostalgic, even feels like crying a little bit. Doesn’t help that he’s close to being high out of his mind. 

Johnny sits by his side, just like he did that day, only this time it’s at the balcony on the apartment they shared. He takes a drag from the blunt they had been passing back and forth for the last hour, watching the sunset and not really talking about anything in particular. 

“Do you think we can find love here?” He asks suddenly, the words escaping his mouth because he just couldn’t contain them anymore.

“What you mean here?” Johnny’s voice is slurred and he seems just as cloudy as Jaehyun is. If they weren’t high they would probably think this was far from a conversation to have in this state.

“In college I mean. I feel like every relationship that happens in this place is doomed to become just a passing thing.” He stumbles over the words, gesturing around with slow motion and it’s probably the deepest thing he has ever said, high or not. “Something to forget about after graduating.”

All his past relationships had gone away like wind, like something that never really even happened. It never felt important, like something that he would take him for the rest of his life. That thought bothered him for a reason and he always preferred to not think about that, but right now he feels like he can’t escape it anymore. 

His friend thinks for a second, the look on his face indicating he’s long gone as he stares outside. “I don't know man. I think you can find love anywhere if you are open to it.” He says simply and all in one breath. 

It’s silent for a moment and he watches the sunset, the sky a mix of orange and pink and it makes him think of you. These days his thoughts are all over the place, but your presence in them is constant. It had been just a week since the last time he saw you but it had definitely been getting to him, and it’s not hard to know why. 

“I think I’m in love.” It’s easy saying it than he thought it would be. “With ___. 

Johnny smiles knowingly. “Why do you think that?”

Because he can’t look at a sunset and not think of you. Because there are songs he can't listen without thinking about how you would probably like them. Because he catches himself thinking about the way you laugh with your cheeks turning pink when he makes a joke that is not even funny. Because of how you always have something smart to say back to his teasings. Because the thought of you being with someone else pisses off and because it feels safe and easy when he’s with you. 

“Because I miss her.” It’s what he decides on. “And I've never missed anyone like this before.” 

He feels like he has just let out a breath he's been holding on for a long time, his mind fuzzy and he can’t help but let a silly laugh.

“I think you should probably tell her that, then.” Johnny says simply, laughing too. 

“Yeah, I think so too.” 

✿

You see him for the first time again two weeks after what happened. It had been enough time for you to get over it, but you don’t. Only further proof that your feelings ran deeper than you wanted them to. 

Even with the promise of staying friends, the need for a time to collect yourself was obvious, so you stay out of touch with him for these days and it’s hell. And you think about Jaehyun more than you want to, his face appearing in your thoughts every time you close on your eyes, no matter how busy you tried to keep yourself. That’s why your heart basically somersaults out off your chest when you see him on campus when you’re making your way to your dorm after a very boring lecture.

It’s cliche and something that would probably fit on a movie, the way his eyes go wide as he sees you all the way from where he’s skating with some friends, not even minding that Yukhei was in front of him and collapsing into him almost in slow motion. You watch as he falls down with your lips in a comedic ‘oh’, Yukhei coming with him as everyone around them falls into laughter. 

It doesn't seem to faze him, though. Because next thing you know he’s getting up, seemingly not hurt, helping his friend and picking his skateboard up. He practically runs to you after that, baggy clothes moving with him. 

“Oh my god, are you okay?” Is what you ask when he finally gets close enough to you that you can hear his heavy breathing. His cheeks are fully red as he pants. 

You look at him with wide eyes as he catches his breath, arms crossed in front of you. The antsy feeling on your gut only gets worst by the second. 

“Don't — Don’t date Yuta.” Is what he says after a while, the words rushed as if he couldn’t keep them in anymore and all you can do is gape, confusion painted all over your face.

“What?” 

He sighs deeply, hand running on his face. “I — Fuck. I know I sound like an asshole but I don't want you to date him, please.”

You narrow yours eyes. He hasn’t talked to you in over a week and this is the first thing he decides to say. “You’re making no sense right now.” 

He seems stressed, mouth opening and closing as if he really doesn’t know what to say. Like this is what it is, an impulsive action. “Listen, I’m not good at this relationship thing.” Is what he starts with, looking at you with eyes pleading and feet shuffling. “But I… I wanna try.” 

He pauses, taking a deep breath as you let the words sink in. Your head spins with his confession, to stunned to say or do anything but look at him with parted lips and softening eyes.

“Can you give me another chance?” He continues, voice dripping with something that sounds a lot like begging, but you know that’s not like him to do. “Just one more time. I promise I’ll do it right this time.” 

When his words finally settle in you can’t help but let out a laugh, shaking your head in disbelief. “Are you stupid?” His head drops immediately, ears turning red as he rubs the back of his neck.

“Come on please, don’t do that.” His bottom lips jut out when he looks at you again, you still smiling because he really is stupid. He really has no idea. “I- I’m in love with you. Fuck, I really am.”

He says the word in a sigh and it surprises you, catches you off guard because even if he just said he wanted to try again, you didn’t think that he was feeling the same way you were. You look at him for a second, eyes wide before your lips turn into a smile. “You really are stupid.” Another laugh and he looks defeated, until you continue. “I don't want to date Yuta. I never did.” 

He tilts his head, confusion gracing his features. “No?” 

“You wanna know why?” It’s a rhetorical question because you quickly add the words you have wanted to say for so long. The feelings that scared you but at the same time made you feel extremely alive. “Because I'm in love with you too.” 

It’s blissful watching his face turn into one of completely adoration as his lips turn into the biggest grin, dimples showing and you heart beats with all the love you feel for this stupid, stubborn and lovely man. “You are?” He asks, hopeful and around a smile.

You barely have the time to nod before he’s letting his skate fall to the ground and he’s coming forward to give you a hug that lifts you from the ground, a yelp coming from your lips but it quickly turns into a giggle as he twirls you around in his arm in pure happiness. 

For a second you forget about every doubt you ever had. You just let yourself bask in the wonderful feeling that is being held by him. 

He wastes no time to press a searing kiss to your lips when he lets you down, holding your cheeks in his hands and you kiss him back with as much passion. In the back you can hear the cheers of his friends, and even if you flip them over, you are still smiling.

[onlydreamofmysoul]

Oh goodness okay. I need some good ol’ Cliona’s Corner advice if it’s not too much to ask (if it is, please ignore 💕).

So I’m a cis female who’s always loved men but recently looked a bit longer at girls and noticed that yeah they’re pretty. The thing is that I’m on the asexual spectrum, which is also a recently learned fact. And for me that means I 100% don’t have any desire to sleep with women, while with men I would consider doing it if my partner wanted. And when I picture getting married, or dates, or parenting- it’s always with a man. Not once a woman. So I’m realizing now that calling myself “bi” as I have been for maybe just under a year....doesn’t really fit too well for me. And that would be fine if not for the fact that some of my good friends make a huge deal of no one in our group being straight, gay (or slightly gay) people being superior, ect.

And it feels super weird having everyone see me and accept me as bi when I don’t feel bi. And I don’t want to be just another straight girl who pretended to be bi for just a little bit before she got bored and went back to men. And I don’t want to be excluded from their pride celebrations just because I identify with straight, because I’m still aspec. But I’m worried if I say I’m straight they’ll see me differently, start to other me.

So my question really is....is pride month a good time to come out as straight?

Wow!

(That last line gave me a bit of a giggle! It would be a great headline!)

Okay let’s crack on!

First of all, you do whatever the fuck feels best for you. I totally get what you mean about your friends, I knew people in school who would actively diss someone (and not in a joking way) just because they were straight? And it always really bothered me! It actually became so intense and spread out over so many things (like nothing could happen without it being gay. This is not an internalised homophobia thing on my behalf to say this, this was something else altogether). It really ended up hurting a friend of mine who was their friend too and happens to be straight and she’s still friends with them to this day (she’s friends friends with them, I was more ‘we shared a few classes’ friends of you get me) but now she genuinely hesitates to tell them about her love life due to things they’ve judged her for in the past.

Starting this off with a horror story was prob not the best way to do this!

The point of that story really was to say, if you feel that telling them you’re straight would be a Thing, you don’t have to tell them. You don’t owe anyone anything. If you want to, great! But you don’t have to.

(Side note, as an ace person, you can still be part of the lgbtqia community, you could also emphasise that to them if you wanted because, loopholes) if they try and exclude you just cause you’re only attracted to guys, then really, they’re not as open and inclusive and progressive as they may claim to be. I’ve actually seen this a lot, where people in the lgbt community try, idk, make you fit into what their idea of queer is? But it doesn’t fucking matter, the only person who’s opinion you need; is your own.

Personally; I think pride is a great time to come out! Pride is all about expressing yourself and having the freedom to do that! You’re not a stereotypical girl who ‘pretended to be bi’ (tune in another time for a rant on why that’s absolute bullshit and no one should be shamed for being open minded and figuring themselves out) you’re a person who took the time and effort to come to turns with yourself and your mind and your body and really, that can be a hard thing to do, so go you!

If I’ve learned anything, it’s that we humans are ever-evolving. Who knows, in the future you might realise a different label suits better, but if this one works for you right now - fantastic!!!

(And I’ve said it a million times but I’ll say it again, you don’t have to label yourself as anything if you don’t want! In my head I’m just... me. Labels aren’t my thing really. I’ll use them to help other people grasp certain aspects about me but in my own head, I’m just chillin)

I hoped this helped even a little bit. Remember, only you knows what’s best and what’s right for you. Do whatever feels best. I’ve got your back either way, if anyone gives you any grief just send them my way!

Sending so much love and support!

Clíona💕💕💕

[lesbian-kyoru]

Fruits Basket characters as high school/clique stereotypes go!

tohru: miss floater queen… super nice to everyone, strikes up a convo with you in the bathroom everyday, will always send you the notes you missed even if you’ve only spoken once three years ago. well-liked by everyone (notable exception is the yuki fan club), but mostly keeps to her lil friend group. kyo is her scary boyfriend, and at first no one can comprehend how she is dating mr feral jock/nerd man... but the inner circle knows that they are both Weird so it works

yuki: popular but like… does not know how he ended up in this clique because inside he is a weird little gay rat man. gets invited to all the coolest parties—spends the entire party awkwardly standing in the bathroom. breaks the internet when a viral video is posted of “prince yuki eating shit (falls off a skateboard while student kakeru manabe laughs in the background).” stoner masquerading as a prep

kyo: jock, but with the heart of a nerd. on every sports team. ball is life. but also. goes to math club three times a week and is a competitive mathlete. biggest ordeal of third year is when he has martial arts and mathlete competitions scheduled on the same day... can be seen sprinting through the tokyo streets that day, changing into his mathlete uniform as he runs. eats lunch with tohru everyday so that he can avoid choosing between eating with the jocks vs mathletes. leads a double life

shigure: so not exactly a nerd, but like a really pretentious smart kid… keeps to himself but is pretty generally well liked because. well he’s the mysterious sexy smart kid who wins like, poetry competitions and gets his picture in the school paper and is always tits out. also gets along really well with the theatre kids because he lives for the Drama and the Shit Talking. notorious for subtweeting people on main. does not subtweet akito and instead calls them out by name

akito: i feel like they would be a loner because i simply can’t see them not being absolutely aggravated by 99% of the other kids. like they hate theatre kids, hate preps, hate jocks… but also are too cool for nerds and bully them lol. i think they are reluctantly befriended by like, a stoner, a goth, and a floater. end up with a weird little friend group that they don’t hate. akito having friends and happiness in 2020 challenge

momiji: prep but more approachable than yuki. really popular because he’s a cutie as a first year, then he gets older and is gorgeous and is popular for that reason. super charismatic and mingles with various social groups really easily. honorary theatre kid In Vibes even though he was only ever in one production. also tik tok famous, so there’s that

haru: goth… but specifically a gamer goth. like looks scary, has really cool tattoos and piercings, is really unapproachable… but i feel like he also is a regular member of the school DnD club and gets really into it. he’s that dude who goes to smash bros tournaments after school and wins giant cash prizes. but like. still goth energy

rin: emo goth. eyeliner for days. could step on you and you would thank her. takes first place in the art show with really moody abstract pieces. never talks to you but then one day sings “creep” at the school talent show and is suddenly a school celebrity

uo: loner but… in vibes only because she does actually have her good friends. keeps up the mysterious loner persona tho. if you don’t know her you are scared of her. if you do know her you are probably still a little bit scared of her. oh and she’s definitely a skater girl. really hot lesbian

hana: goth/emo but like… goes too hard for the majority of the goths at the school. can hold a good conversation about mcr but then she turns it supernatural and spooky and the Weaker Goths flee the situation. dresses better than anyone at school. solidarity with rin and haru

kagura: popular pretty girl but specifically a jock popular girl. like the kind that plays volleyball and soccer and runs track and is ripped and goes ham. but then looks like a super model at every end of year sports team banquet. probably bullies you tbh

hiro: nerd but like… specifically anime kid™. like, aggressively so. president of the anime club. really intense about it. once he got control, wrote an official list of club rules and made membership more selective. there are three members. outsmarts bullies with his advanced vocabulary

kisa: vp of anime club because hiro asked her to be, but more of a floater. like tohru, she is cute and nice and universally adored even if she isn’t popular popular. also definitely teachers pet vibes! tries really hard to be good at everything. her niche is probably with more nerdy kids or other floaters because they aren’t intimidating

kakeru: okay so. primarily stoner… but also skater boy and class clown... the weirdest type of stoner. kind of can vibe with everyone similar to a floater, but it’s less in the way that he can shapeshift to fit into any group—it’s like, he is so weird that any group he interacts with is ??? but they can’t tell him to leave. crashes popular kid functions with yuki. also agreed with sophie that 2020 kakeru has eboy energy. fraternizes with the anime kids as well

machi: absolute loner but vibes with it. just minding her own business. really hard to get to know, but i feel like that honestly means that she ends up with a lot of friends in really odd places. avoids popular kids but can actually get along pretty well with almost anyone if they reach out to her first. likes fucking weird kids. the stoners adopt her

kimi: popular, cheerleader subset. but also more specifically the dance team type of cheerleader, which means she also overlaps with the theatre kids and honestly spends most of her social time with them. choreographs all the school musicals. they pick shows that have a Singular Dance Role so that kimi can shine. has to deal with fucking kyo being in a dance number when he can’t dance for shit

nao: nerd. as i’ve established before, an accounting nerd to be more specific. president of the accounting club. wears his nerd status with pride and with a superiority complex. the difference between him and kyo is that kyo is ripped as fuck so he doesn’t get shoved into lockers… nao does get shoved into lockers

[spectrumed]

3. sadness

Don’t be like that. Be like this, or be that other thing. Be unique, but don’t be too unique. Fit in, but try to be a rebel. Be a renegade, but don’t rock the boat. Don’t know what you are supposed to be? What? Do you have imposter syndrome or something? Just be yourself, but, y’know, sand down the edges a little bit. Be friendlier. Be the kind of person everyone likes. Be the life of the party! Don’t be some shut-in, some crazy cat-lady with absolutely zero social life. Don’t be sad. Don’t burden others with your sadness. Work to maximise the total happiness of your community. A smile goes a long way. Can’t smile? You really can’t help but being a sourpuss all the time? Well, I guess maybe that if you can’t help but stay in a perpetual bad mood bringing everyone else down… then maybe you should just stay isolated? Better stay alone, away from others. You’re toxic. You’re just so damned sad. You really must be quarantined.

I am sad, a lot of the time. Are you? But, no, you can’t just admit that you are sad. Don’t be a buzzkill, try to inject a little humour into the things you say. You can admit you’re depressed, if you do so with a joke. Don’t let others know you’re being sincere. Ironic jokes work the best, don’t they? They let you confess your secret gloom to everyone around, but they’ll never know just how serious you’re being. With a wink of the eye, any candid expression of your inner turmoil can become a hilarious post-modern gag. Are they or are they not telling the truth? Oh, I’ll never tell! And it will all work out excellent, up until the day you commit suicide. But every comedian’s time in the limelight has to end at some point, right?

This blog is supposed to be about autism spectrum disorder, why am I suddenly discussing depression? Well, I suppose that it is time we bring to the table this little thing called comorbidity. Psychology is messy. Some would argue that it is barely even a real scientific field (I tend to think that it is the best thing we have, but I acknowledge that in places, psychology is fundamentally flawed.) You may have thought that you’d get just one diagnosis. One simple label that you can work through and overcome. You’re bipolar, now go deal with it! But instead, you find yourself with a whole fistful of diagnoses. What to hear my proud list of diagnoses? Oh, please, don’t think because I am listing them this one certain way, I put them in order of relevancy to me. I love all of my diagnoses equally.

My diagnoses are:

Generalised Anxiety Disorder (GAD)

Social Anxiety Disorder (SAD)

Agoraphobia

Possible Obsessive-Compulsive Disorder (OCD)

Asperger syndrome (AS)

No, I was never officially diagnosed with depression, but largely because, at the time I received these diagnoses, my depression was so blatant that it felt as if I was walking around with a cloud of miasma surrounding at all times. Imagine me as Pig-Pen from Peanuts, but instead of being covered in dirt, I was covered in the funk of melancholy. And whatever treatment I would eventually go on to receive (and still am receiving to this day,) would go about treating my anxiety first, and hopefully, the depression would give in alongside the anxiety. It has, for the most part, though, I still feel the presence of that black dog from time to time. I also got only a half-hearted potential diagnosis of OCD, but later, during a trial of an antidepressant that had a freakishly negative impact on my psyche, it blossomed into a fully-grown attention-craving condition. Turns out that OCD can be a real hog for the spotlight, really not allowing any of the other diagnoses to take their turn on stage. Thankfully, when I got off that particular antidepressant, those symptoms stopped, but it has led me to be far more aware of my internal obsessive-compulsive thought patterns. For me, OCD largely lacks physical compulsions, but my mind is ablaze with intrusive thoughts, and I will routinely force myself to repeat certain phrases in my head to make them go away. The funny thing is, I never realised that wasn’t normal.

Diagnoses are an attempt to map out a spiders’ web of problems. Things come hand in hand. While I’m no psychologist, I can speak from the perspective of someone who has been through the psychiatric process, which I suppose, lends me a certain kind of expertise, doesn’t it? Maybe it really doesn’t. Maybe I’m just throwing words out there, thinking that I could serve a good purpose, but instead all I am doing is contributing to this great onslaught of digital disinformation we’re all suffering under. But I’m probably just too doubtful of myself. I am speaking about myself, after all. I’ve got first-hand experience in being myself. I know exactly what it feels like to own this skin, these bones, this heart, and this mushy brain of mine. I’m not claiming to know everything. I’m just claiming to know about this one sad individual writing this hoping it might allow someone to reblog my posts with the hashtag “relatable” one day.

Anxiety runs in my family. The neurosis demon gets passed down from generation to generation, only occasionally skipping a beat. My mother and I share many of the same neurotic quirks, though, she has for the most part of her life not had it to quite the excessive degree that I have it. I really took that genetic predisposition for anxiety and ran with it. And while I’m the only person in my family to have gotten diagnosed as being “on the spectrum,” there are a few members that I kinda sort of in a way actually quite seriously suspect might also be here somewhere on the spectrum. Still, as always goes with diagnosing, there’s no point in doing it unless the person is in need of some kind of treatment. I wholeheartedly believe that most people on the planet belong to one spectrum, be it an autism spectrum, a bipolar spectrum, a narcissism spectrum, even a schizophrenic spectrum, but diagnoses should be exclusively reserved for those who need psychiatric care. The world is a spectrum, and it’s worth noting that the terms “sane” and “insane” do not alone capture the complexity of the human psyche. A person can appear perfectly sensible, yet at some point in their life, they may have been a real silly little bugger who thought that their pet hamster was the reincarnation of the Buddha. Just as with physical health, one can struggle with one's mental health for one period in their life, only to later on in life feel utterly and entirely mentally healthy. Or, well, sadly in a lot of cases, people who were perfectly mentally healthy may suddenly become diagnosed with dementia. But that’s really sad, so let’s not talk about that.

Is it all genetic? Well, no. Or well, maybe? In regards to autism, I am pretty sure that, yes, it is genetic. While, yes, I do admit that I’m just a dummy on the internet, so what do I really know? And the brain is such a complex bit of mushy meat, so I could always be proven wrong. Though, I tend towards thinking that there most likely is principally a genetic factor to conditions like autism, or attention deficit disorder (and attention deficit hyperactivity disorder,) or things like bipolar disorder. But with anxiety, quite frankly, I can’t say how much of it is nurture and how much of it is nature. I mentioned that my mother and I share many of the same neurotic quirks, so that would imply that there is something in one's genes that can make some more prone to anxiety than others, but my mother does not struggle with agoraphobia, nor does she seem to have any obsessive-compulsive tendencies. In fact, in my family, even those that exhibit some element of heightened anxiety, they don’t seem to show any milder symptoms of this kind. I can’t help but feel as if these conditions I gained through that tortuous period of every boy’s and girl’s (and boy-girl’s) life is called puberty. I hate to conform to stereotypes but I did indeed hate being a teenager. Believe it or not, I wasn’t a jock, and no, I didn’t go to parties. I mostly spent my time crying.

The question that no doubt plagues every movie psychiatrist to no end is what kind of trauma must a person undergo to make them go mad? Abusive parents? Abusive uncles? Abusive teachers? Abusive dogs? Honestly, to be an adult raising a child must be rough, considering how any mistake you make might suddenly turn your little babe into a future serial killer. Now, there’s no doubt that there are some seriously terrible parents out there, and that a lot of people have mental woes that definitely came about due to their parents and their abysmal lack of parental care. But generally, how much can you actually blame on your parents? We know the cliché, let’s go sit down on the sofa and complain to our Freudian hack-shrink all about those times as a kid our dad missed the big game, or that time our mother embarrassed us in front of all of our friends. I have plenty of things to complain about my parents, like I believe we all have. Our parents are flawed, messy human beings, of course they occasionally made mistakes throughout our upbringings. But is that nearly enough to turn a person mentally ill? Putting up with an at times really embarrassing mom? No, I don’t think so. And of course, there are some real awful parents out there, I’m not doubting that. Trust me, I’m a fan of true crime, so I’ve heard some real grizzly stories of what some kids are forced to grow up with. But I am thinking that those instances are more rare than they are common. Most people with mental illnesses can most likely not blame their parents.

How ‘bout bullies? Yes, them bullies. Them awful mean bullies that made all of our lives so painful. It’s funny, it seems like every school had their own fair share of bullies, and yet no-one as an adult ever comes forward to admit that they themselves were the bullies. It’s almost like as if no-one ever thinks of themselves as being a bully, even when they are throwing rocks at that weird chubby kid with blonde hair who happens to be named Fredrik and who just wants to be left alone. Was I bullied? Well… yes. But I can’t say I got the brunt of it. I got bullied, but overall I’d say I only ever had it slightly worse than most people. I was still quite tall, typically taller than my classmates growing up, and for the most part I could roll with the punches. If you really want to talk about a kid I knew growing up that got bullied, let me tell you about this kid who knew all the right dances for all the right Britney Spears songs. He was gay, I think. Not quite old enough to have come out, I suspect, but, well... He liked all the female pop stars, but not in that way of wanting to kiss them and fondle their boobies, but in the “I want to sound just like them when I grow up” sort of way. I don’t know what happened to him (or them, or her, depending on how they identify now,) but that was real bullying. Like most folks, I found myself stuck in that limbo of seeing others get bullied far worse than me and being too cowardly to intervene, in fears that I’d end up taking their place. Yes, isn’t school just a marvellous place? It’s a wonder any of us turn out okay.

No, I think that, fundamentally, the problems I have arose with myself. This, blaming myself, is not something that I am unused to doing. I have a long history of blaming myself, that’s really the problem. As a teenager I knew that I was different, and I was frightened and scared of being exposed. I didn’t even really know what it was that was different about me, I just knew that I didn’t fit in. I felt as if I didn’t deserve to fit in. The older I got, the more intense these feelings got. And I started taking it out on myself. I started hating myself. And I really mean furiously hating myself. It wasn’t some casual self-loathing, it was searing self-hatred. I did not physically hurt myself, but I did engage with self-harm. I kept repeating the mantras of “I hate myself,” and “I am pathetic,” over and over again, with the ultimate goal of making myself cry. For a period, I couldn’t go to bed without making myself cry first. I began taking days off from school, pretending to be sick. Well, I suppose I was ill, but not physically. I began failing most of my classes, I only ended up doing well in art. I stayed away from school for whole weeks at the time. Once, when I shame-facedly returned to school some of the meaner boys came up to me and said that they were surprised to learn that I was still alive. They were surprised, but also a little disappointed.

This was a time in my life when I really needed psychiatric care. This became increasingly obvious to my parents, and my teachers. I was clearly suffering from depression. Not just some teenaged angst, but full-blown, wholly insidious, depression. But, well, I didn’t get the care that I needed. Oh, I did go to see a psychologist a couple of times, but she saw no reason for me to continue seeing her. I don’t know why she felt as if I wasn’t in need of help, frankly, I can’t fathom why she felt as if I wasn’t in need of help. I suppose I avoided telling her the truth of what went on inside of my head, but I feel like as if any good psychologist would have been able to tell that the kid sitting across from them was clearly suffering from something a tad more intense than just some common concerns about puberty. At most I was able to confess was that I was feeling ashamed over myself for getting so fat, but it should have been clear to anybody that I was only using that as a hook to hang my self-hatred on. There very clearly was some underlying condition that I had that should have gotten addressed. But it went ignored.

At most I can think to explain this is the fact that I wasn’t “problematic.” Not in the way some kids are, when they’re struggling with their mental health. I did not act out, I did not take drugs, and I was certainly not violent. Even to this day, though I have at many times suffered from suicidal ideation, I am a real low-risk for actual suicide considering my intense fear of dying (yes, that’s an odd combo to have.) So, I’ve come to realise that the only way I am getting treatment is if I actually seek out treatment. And back then, I was just as placid as I had previously always been. I was quiet and introverted, just desperate to get back home so I could go and hide in my room. Many teenagers are like that. And it is easy to ignore them, because they want to be ignored. They just don’t want to exist. When you are desperate to be left alone, eventually people will leave you alone. I would go on to receive psychiatric care later on my life, but only after several years passed. I did have a better time living in my later teenage years, but like with a bone that heals wrong, I needed someone to come in and sort me out. I was sad as a teenager, but I would become really sad as a twenty-something. Hopefully my thirties will be jolly.

[notallthosewho-wanderarelost]

Real quick scattering of thoughts on Loki 1x02 and x03 before I watch the newest episode. I watched them pretty much at the same time so it’s a two-for-one post. Here be spoilers for episode 3! On mobile so no cut again, sorry.

Spoilers ahead. You’ve been warned.

Okay. In no particular order but attempting to start with ep 2 first:

Loki trying to get info on the Timekeepers and the TVA in ep 2 and being blocked by the most bored archive librarian ever was hilarious. The whole sequence of him trying to get her attention only for her to completely ignore him until he rang the bell was creepy but so funny.

Loki’s reaction to getting the details on Ragnarok made me so sad. :( Same, Loki. SAME. I’m also still gutted Asgard was destroyed and I refuse to even watch the movie ¯\_(ツ)_/¯ But him going to look at that in the first place made me wonder if maybe in the back of his mind Loki’s coming up with a plan to save Asgard? (Or at least, one version of Asgard in the multiverse.) I would love that. I want Asgard back in general and was hoping for Thor 4, but having Loki be the one to save Asgard would be SO fitting. He may be adopted but he’s still an Asgardian at heart, truly. Having Loki be the one to save Asgard would be a great way to show him finally acknowledging that and have all the Asgardians acknowledge it too.

We have an official population for MCU Asgard! 9719 people. That fits. It’s about twice the size of a pretty small suburban town. Asgard is SMALL. It just doesn’t have the space for a lot of people. It’s still a city, but Asgard the Realm has other things on it besides just the city, so it can’t have a huge population.

I wonder what the official population of New Asgard is when we see it in Endgame? And how many Asgardians come back post-Blip? This would really all depend on how many people made it through Hela’s rule and onto the ship during Ragnarok- and then half of them would’ve been killed by Thanos in the beginning of Infinity War. Would half of the remainder have been Snapped away at the end of IW, or would Thanos leave them out since he already halved their population? File under questions Marvel will probably never answer. Also file under “Thanos continues to be really bad at math.” (Should probably go look at the New Asgard sign again to check, but I don’t think it listed population.)

Loki annoying Mobius by messing with his salad was great. Loki annoying Mobius in general was great.

Loki letting the goats free in Pompeii made me think he might have a liking for goats, which means I now have a headcanon that Loki was friends with Thor’s goats as a kid and would sometimes let them loose to get their assistance with pranks. Thank you show, for cute kid Loki headcanons.

Tom Hiddleston probably had a BLAST yelling at people in Latin in character as Loki, and good for him!

Sylvie’s entrance sequence at the beginning of the episode with the fight scene vs the TVA set to “I Need a Hero” was amazing. I haven’t seen Shrek in a while but this might just reach the same levels of A+ “I Need A Hero” song usage as the Shrek sequence.

Speaking of the beginning of the episode, the Ren Faire setting was SO good. Great way to get laughs, and it made me want to go to a Ren Faire again.

The Roxxcart setting for the big encounter later in the episode made me flash back on all the times Roxxon’s appeared in the MCU. Two main thoughts: 1. I so want a Jane!Thor movie where the main villain is Dario Agger, evil Roxxon CEO and Minotaur. Preferably working with a better version of Malekith (from another universe probably) like in comics, because as much as I love Thor 2 my one complaint is that their version of Malekith was SO LAME. Especially compared to comics!Malekith. Plus an Agger + Malekith teamup would mean both the Nine Realms AND Earth are in danger, by definition. Thor 5 please, Marvel. 2. I really, really miss Cloak and Dagger and that show deserved so much better.

(Our) Loki’s perpetual insistence that he’s better and that the plot (pun intended) is about him is both funny and also a little sad- because he knows, or at least thinks, that if he stops insisting those things, everyone will stop paying any attention to him whatsoever. And he needs attention.

Poor Mobius probably felt so betrayed at the end of this episode. :(

Onward to episode 3!

This was by far my favorite episode so far. I LOVE Sylvie. I love her and Loki’s dynamic. I love that we get Loki talking to someone he considers an equal about some very personal things, and that Sylvie does the same thing with him. They understand each other in a way nobody else has. Because they’re the same person, sort of. I’ve taken to calling them “alternate reality twins” and that’s what I’ll keep calling them unless told otherwise.

They also annoy each other in a way nobody else can. And it’s hilarious. They look equally annoyed at the other not falling for their tricks and equally annoyed at needing the other’s help before they really start to bond and I LOVE ALL OF IT. I also feel like they adopt each other a lot quicker than either would be willing to admit, and then they’re annoyed at that! Loki yelling “you’re so weird!” at Sylvie made me go “OH they’re bickering like siblings!!!” and that was pretty early on! I’m an only child but that had peak sibling energy to me. Even them trying to trick and outdo each other had sibling energy most of the time.

Their earlier fight when they first get to Lamentis, before they realize where they are, had some VERY quality quips and also really had me wondering who would win in a fight between the two of them. Sylvie seems to have more physical strength, and she’s got a sword instead of daggers so longer reach, but Loki has skill and he has tricks. I think with his skill at magic (he can TELEPORT?! Probably only a few feet and probably limited by where he can see but that’s SO COOL!!! I don’t think we knew he could do that?!) Loki would likely run rings around Sylvie IF there were no people around for her to enchant. And assuming that she wasn’t able to set any traps beforehand, because Sylvie has proven well able to set traps to take down people who should be at a major advantage against her. Otherwise, I think Sylvie would win. She seems to have better physical training than our Loki, and if there were any people around for her to enchant he’d have to contend with them too. And if Sylvie could lay traps ahead of time, then it could go either way (you never can tell with a Loki, much less two) but I think Loki would probably lose. Loki is just as tricky as she is but that seems to be something she’s had a lot of practice in. Loki is more about confusing opponents with illusions and duplicates and talking his way around people. Sylvie sets traps instead, and is more comfortable/better at using brute physical force.

Speaking of enchanting, me while watching episode 2: “Hey, these mind controlling powers remind me of Enchantress’ powers!”

Sylvie in episode 3: calls her powers “enchanting”

Me: “OH.”

So Sylvie seems to be a composite of 3 characters. 1. Lady Loki, as in Loki when identifying as female. (There’s also that time from before they said Loki was genderfluid and a shapeshifter and back when Loki was still evil when he possessed Sif’s body and went by Lady Loki, but we don’t talk about that.) 2. Amora the Enchantress, a major Thor character/villain who uses magic to “enchant” people into doing what she wants-yes this is definitely a cringey “magically enchants people into loving her, consent-issues-out-the-wazoo” evil seductress stereotype in old comics, but it’s gotten better recently. And 3. Sylvie Lushton, the much lesser-known second Enchantress, who was a regular teenage human girl when after a Ragnarok (don’t remember which one, there have been multiple but this would’ve been early 2000s) Loki for shits and giggles decided to make her think she was Amora and give her the powers to match. She was on the Dark Reign-era (aka when Norman Osborn was in charge of SHIELD and the Avengers) version of the Young Avengers, the Young Masters of Evil, and that’s where I know her from. She’s a great character- she genuinely wants to do good and help people, but her brain is a bit messed up by the number Loki did on it, so she gets confused. I believe she’s currently in comic book limbo after Amora found out about her a while back, got pissed at her for stealing her name and her whole Thing, and tossed her somewhere dangerous on the World Tree while saying something about how if she can survive it then she’ll prove she deserves the name Enchantress. She sadly hasn’t been seen since as far as I know.

So each of those characters have similar characteristics with Loki’s Sylvie. Sylvie 1. Is a Loki who is female (Lady Loki), 2. Was presumably raised on Asgard and uses her magic to “enchant” people via a form of mind control into doing what she wants (Amora the Enchantress), 3. Is named Sylvie (Sylvie Lushton, Encanhtress II). Also worth noting that both Amora and Sylvie Lushton have blond hair, and so does the MCU’s Sylvie. All three characters also have green colored magic!

May turn the above bullets into their own post just for informational purposes. Also, when we said we wanted Enchantress in the MCU, this is not what we meant. Stop with the Monkey’s Paw-style wish granting, Marvel! (Looking at you, X-Men comics’ response to us wanting more Wanda.)

Anyway. Will round off with my favorite thing: everything on the train. Everything on the train was WONDERFUL.

Loki telling Sylvie about Frigga and how she taught him magic and then demonstrating the fireworks made me tear up. 🥺 Right in the feels. I miss Frigga a lot. I miss Asgard/the old Thor franchise in general a lot, but this is about Frigga. She was AMAZING and I miss her. Forever love the detail that Tom and Rene came up with the idea on the set of Thor 1 that Frigga is the one who taught Loki magic and fighting and how that informed their characters’ dynamic to the point of it being canonically discussed later. There’s a great Thor 2 deleted scene where Frigga talks to Thor about this exact thing. Frigga is such a fave of mine.

Sylvie telling Loki about her own past in turn made me very curious what her life was like and what the differences are. She seemed to have had a really hard time of it as a kid and I just want to hug her. (I also want to hug Loki, but that isn’t news.) Loki has had a very tough time, but really only after finding out he was adopted. He doesn’t appear to have had many friends on Asgard before (though I headcanon that he was friends with Lorelai before her exile, and since it’s my headcanon I imagine a similar situation with Amora, if not quite as close a friendship because comics Loki gets along better with Lorelai than her sister) but he at least had a family who loved him and who he loved, and a status as a prince that would’ve given him a good life and protection. Sylvie doesn’t seem to have had any of that as a kid. :(

“Surely there were some would-be princesses? Or perhaps a prince?” CANONICALLY BISEXUAL LOKI YES! YES.

Comics Loki is canonically both bisexual and genderfluid! Explicitly discussed on page, multiple times, and expounded on by writers too. (One of the most heartwarming Odin moments for me- yes, Odin does have heartwarming moments!- is when he’s telling his kids he loves them and he says something to the effect of “my son, my daughter, my child who is both.” The latter is Loki, the former are Thor and Angela. I might still be bitter over MCU Hela taking Angela’s place in the family sorry not sorry. This was in Original Sin: Thor and Loki, for anyone wondering.) I tend to default to he/him pronouns when talking about Loki because Loki tends to be male more in appearances, and also partly because it’s what I’m used to, but when Loki is clearly female I’ll of course switch to she/her. I have seen people use they/them pronouns for Loki too. I don’t think Marvel has ever said what pronouns Loki prefers though.

Speaking of which: I realize the “Sex: fluid” on Loki’s info card in episode 1 was probably foreshadowing Sylvie, but I kind of want to also read it as a nod to Loki being genderfluid. (Loki is also a shapeshifter, so gender would = sex in this case.) Whether it would be a nod to specifically comics Loki or also to MCU Loki is anyone’s guess as of now. We’ll find out I guess, or if it turns out to be strictly headcanon than it’s whatever floats your boat. :)

Back to the train scene!! Sylvie loudly protesting that she can’t sleep near people she doesn’t trust and then promptly falling asleep across from Loki a few minutes later made me emotional. ALTERNATE REALITY TWINS. Also VERY much a parallel to Loki falling asleep across from Mobius last episode.

Loki realizing that Asgard was really his home and his family really was his family only to also realize that he’ll never see either again and deciding to handle this by getting ABSOLUTELY DRUNK is SO ASGARDIAN OF HIM. I cannot. He even did the “Another!” *smashes glass* thing just to bring the point home.

Oh gosh, LOKI SINGING IN ASGARDIAN. FEEEEEEELS. I know, it’s actually Norwegian. I wonder a bit why they didn’t use Icelandic instead? Anyway, this was lovely and I love that going by the translation it’s a song of longing to go home, and it mentions Idunn’s apples of immortality. Apparently the full version of the song is going to be on the soundtrack and I’m so excited for that.

Loki’s metaphor of “love is a dagger” was actually quite good, he and Sylvie just lost the thread of it right at the end there. I wrote about this in tags somewhere, I’ll copy it in here later.

Edit: here’s an edited version of what I wrote on this post: This was a great metaphor until it got away from him. So close to the point (heh) and then they veered right away. Let me finish this for them: “Love is a dagger. It’s a weapon for far away and up close. You can see yourself in it. It’s beautiful. You have to give it to the right person.” So what this scene tells us about Loki is that he’s been hurt by love because it hasn’t been real. Or hasn’t felt real to him. Maybe he’s given it to the wrong people, or maybe he couldn’t tell who the right people were. (And if this is in reference to his family then I think he’s still too close to the revelation of his identity to be able to think clearly about the situation. Because his family DID love him! Even Odin. He just lost sight of that with everything happening.) Love is also about trust. And Loki doesn’t trust easily.

I really love this quote and this scene. Kinda want to do a “Love is a dagger” graphic of i ever have time.

I also wouldn’t be surprised if Loki and Sylvie come back to this conversation and come to a more satisfying conclusion. I hope that happens actually.

Sylvie using her headpiece against an opponent in the train fight instantly made me think of Wonder Woman. A+. Also, I haven’t mentioned yet but I love the fact that Sylvie’s headpiece looks exactly like God(dess) of Stories Loki’s from Agent of Asgard. Loki’s Ragnarok headpiece definitely had big AoA Loki vibes, but Sylvie’s headpiece is much closer- mostly it’s smaller, which is very Agent of Asgard Loki in general, but the one horn being cut off is specifically a God(dess) of Stories Loki thing and I love that they pulled from that.

Loki throwing the dagger and missing because he’s drunk was hilarious. Not good for Sylvie, but hilarious to watch. Don’t fight while drunk, Loki. Also, he threw “love” at Sylvie and I laughed when I realized that.

I didn’t realize until I saw a parallel gifset of it why Loki carefully going up to Sylvie after her scream felt so familiar- it’s just like how he went up to Thor after Thor overturned the table in Thor 1. The CONTINUINTY!! Absolutely amazing.

While trying to save the Ark Loki was probably thinking a lot about what he saw in the TVA clips of his own people trying to escape Asgard during Ragnarok and that hits kind of hard.

Loki apparently using telekinesis to stop the column from falling on him and Sylvie threw me off a lot until I saw another gifset that included the moment in Thor 2 (trailers only, I think) when he finds out Frigga is dead and all the furniture close to him breaks and flies away from him. The pose was even the same as when he stopped the column. I think he can sort of... push things away from him? (Almost like a Force Push 🤔) He seems to need to stop and tense up his arms while he does it though. And it doesn’t have the green effect the rest of his magic does, which is odd.

Speaking of Loki’s powers, I’ve said this in tags for sure but I’m so happy they’re FINALLY letting Loki hit people with green magic bolts. He does tend to prefer more subtle uses of magic, but I still can’t believe it took over 4 movies for that to happen. It’s kind of a no-brainer magic attack- probably exactly why Loki prefers other things- but you’d think he would’ve done it at least once after 4 movies.

I saw a post point out that by the end of the episode, Sylvie has lost both her headpiece and her cloak/robe thing, which makes me wonder if she’s going to get a new outfit by the end of the show. Or at least different accessories. I’m also curious if she’s going to take up the Enchantress moniker by the end of the show.

Finishing this with theme analysis and theory time:

The revelation that TVA agents used to be variants and were somehow reprogrammed makes so much sense. There’s something immediately shifty about the idea of 3 Time Keepers dictating the fate of everyone in infinite multiverses, and this just solidifies the hint that the Time Keepers are going to be the overall Big Bads. Which makes sense, narratively! But this shifts the TVA agents from villains to victims. Mobius gets to stay sympathetic and so does Sylvie, AND once the TVA agents find out about their origins it puts the same choice onto them that Loki has. They all have a choice now about who they’re going to be. They’re not who they thought they were, but are they going to let themselves be defined by what other people (here, the Time Keepers) think they should be, or are they going to be who they want to be.

This is exactly what Loki: Agent of Asgard is about, by the way. And I know I said in the last post that Loki’s greatest villain is himself, but I’m going to amend that because I didn’t say it quite right. Loki’s greatest villain is his evil self. Loki the god of evil, the Loki that is the villain. Loki (and all the other Asgardians) in Agent of Asgard is genuinely a god, and AoA tells us that gods are defined by belief- they are what people believe them to be. That’s how they exist. So because so many people believe Loki is an evil villain, the universe tries to twist him to fit that role. The plot of AoA is Loki trying to avoid that fate, to be better, be who he wants to be. It’s a meta story. It’s Loki trying to break free of the narrative he’s been part of up until that point. And eventually he manages to break the fourth wall itself and take control of his own narrative by becoming the god of stories. He controls his own story and it no longer matters what other people think he is, only what he thinks of himself. Nobody else gets to change or define him.

AoA’s villain is a future version of Loki that does go back to being evil. He’s basically the cosmic force- destiny, the narrative itself, etc- that’s trying to fit Loki into the “evil” box personified. Loki is seemingly taking that idea and subbing in a different personification for that same idea of lack of choice: the Time Keepers. We know from the Miss Minutes short in episode 1 that the Time Keepers want one timeline. We don’t know if that’s actually to prevent a multiversal war like the short suggests or if that’s just propaganda. When Loki tries to find out more about the war or about the beginning or end of time in episode 2, he can’t access those documents. Something doesn’t seem right there.

Edit: Also, in episode 2 Loki compares the TVA to Asgard by saying both the TVA agents and Asgardians are equally stupid. The reveal of who the TVA agents are adds a new dimension to that comparison. They both see themselves as guardians of the world around them, special, but really they’re no more special than the people they’re fighting to protect. Or in other words, they’re only as “special” (“heroic,” really) as they make themselves.

Also an edit: damn I just realized the continued stupidity of R*gnarok having Fenris and Odin in the same movie and Odin dies but get killed by Fenris. Asgardians have a saying about watching for wolves’ teeth.

I’ve seen the theory around that Sylvie might be a former TVA agent (which seems to be backed up by the midseason trailer I very belatedly saw, oh my GOD TINY SYLVIE!!!!! But also oh no tiny Sylvie at the TVA :() and I really like that. It makes sense. Maybe she went rogue because she realized the TVA is preventing people from choosing for themselves. Maybe she even knows what it is the Time Keepers actually want. Or maybe she’s doing this just for herself because she didn’t enjoy being brainwashed by the TVA and she doesn’t like being told who to be! That is after all part of “what makes a Loki a Loki,” even if she doesn’t use that name anymore.

I’m also wondering (hoping?) if maybe her being a former TVA agent could explain why she’s a mashup of different characters, instead of it just being Marvel mashing characters together because they can. This is mostly wild speculation, but could the TVA possibly have put multiple people’s timelines/memories inside her head? What if she’s in universe an amalgamation of a Loki, an Amora, and/or a Sylvie?

We’ve had some clips of what looks like a Thor 1 era Loki in front of the throne on Asgard- which looks different to me; maybe Loki redecorated? We’ve also gotten a shot of Loki in front of a ruined NYC skyline, including Avengers Tower. Maybe we’ll get an episode where Loki wins and we’ll see different timelines where he wins in different ways, until he realizes that this isn’t actually what he wants?

Whoops this got long??? Thanks for reading if you read this far!

[thiscitychickk]

If you don't mind sharing, I would love to hear about how you came up with the idea for CLUAH (like giving them age gap, Hermione's backstory, anything about the characters, and your thought process for the plot so far) I am obsessed with this story and I'm always rereading when I wait for the next update!

Thank you so so much! I am glad you’re enjoying it :)

So I’ve always been annoyed by fics about American politics as they’re clearly written by people who’ve never worked in the federal government (which is fine!), and I wanted to write something accurate. It’s like the way the House and Senate look different on the sets of West Wing, Veep, Scandal, etc.. Nothing is accurate. So I’ve had little snippets written, but nothing with a plot fully fleshed out. Just the idea of Hermione and Draco meeting and falling in love in Washington.

I read a book a few months ago called The Idea of You by Robinne Lee that’s focused on a couple with an age gap (a la boyband member becoming infatuated with a fan’s mother at a meet and greet. book is incredible, buy it/read it/love it) and it spurred my inspiration to have Draco as a Member of Congress and Hermione as a staffer. There are a lot of dangerous power dynamics in Washington that I’ve been warned by women who are gracious enough to have helped me (and continue to help me!) get my feet under myself living across the country from my family and as a young female on the Hill. Whether it’s a chief of staff trying to be your friend or another office’s legislative director asking you to dinner at a business meeting or a lobbyist trying to hit you up... a lot of dynamics are dangerous and potentially illegal with the super strict ethics laws and guidelines we have to follow as staffers. So it seemed fun and challenging to try out!

Plotwise, all of my stories are dialogue heavy. My biggest pet peeve in any story I read is when couples fall in love but it feels like moving from A to B because it’s expected rather than giving them a decent background and love story with highs and lows and ‘moments’ that make a real relationship. What do the characters like? What do they hate? What is their day-to-day routine? Clearly you can’t fit everything in, but it’s important to get enough for me that people aren’t just like omg they’re in love and finally having sex BUT like... wow, I see why they’re in love and I’m so glad that they found each other! Smut is great, sure, but fully fleshed out relationships are much better in long fics.

A huge part of DC that is difficult, especially on the Hill, is being a Christian and a Democrat. On dating apps all of the first messages I get are ‘you’re a Democrat and Christian?’ or ‘are you fine if I’m conservative?’ That’s just part of DC and being a person of faith, and take faith out of it and dating across party lines is STILL weird. It’s something that I continue to navigate and I think it’s so fun to explore through this medium.

There’s absolutely NO way that Malfoys would be liberal or Hermione would be conservative in America, so this is a necessary plot point in CLUAH. Some people are saying ‘oh they’ve not fought at all so far, not realistic.’

And, I say, noooo offense, but have you been in a relationship where you’ve been super attracted to someone and have the best time with them and laugh all the time and push off serious stuff? Sure, you know their mom’s name and the funny story about their childhood cat and the drama about their dad’s step-dad, but like... you aren’t talking about tax policy and guns and the Supreme Court’s 1993 ruling on *insert issue here.* 

That will ALWAYS come up, and it did already in Hermione and Draco’s relationship. I did it in a theoretical way. Hermione is theoretical, and would certainly think that having that conversation checked off the box of ‘we had the political conversation and he doesn’t spit at gay people on the streets or try and convert people of a different religion if he sees them at a restaurant, so things are fine.’

There is a huge difference between living out your political beliefs and discussing them. There will be votes soon that Draco takes that piss Hermione off. If they want to be together, they’re going to have to live through that. Think of all of the campaign promises that Lucius will have to make to rally the base. So much is coming on that front, and that’s been a huge driver in my plot so far and will obviously continue to be as we move ahead.

In terms of the characters, I’ve been focused on filling some of the stereotypes on the Hill and DC in general.

There are a lot of people like Harry who rely on their parents’ wealth and either go to grad school or law school in DC or just have a really ridiculous job and spend most of their time at the bar and nice restaurants.

Pansy is the typical ‘my parents got me this internship’ girl, but I love her and wanted to help her grow past that.

A lot of chiefs are like Blaise, Remus and Severus, and honestly, that’s how good chiefs should be... incredibly loyal, to the death, for their member, but also knowing they’re the only person who can talk their member off a ledge and tell them their ideas are dumb or unethical or not well thought out.

Percy is the quintessential hardworker who annoys everyone, but somehow made their way up the chain and knows too much to ever get rid of. He doesn’t have many friends, but it’s totally fine because he is serving the public!!!! We love Percy, even if I don’t love Percy-types in real Hill life :)

This is super long and rambly, but hopefully I answered some of your questions!

[sylvies-chen]

“I dig it when you're fancy dressed up in lace

I dig it when you have a smile on your face”

Or

“It's just warm love

It's just warm love

And it's ever present everywhere

And it's ever present everywhere

That warm love”

-My favorite song, Warm love by Van Morrison for brettsey please! ♥️

When Sylvie had told him she was a country girl, this isn’t what Matt had expected. 

He knows she’s from Fowlerton. And he’s been there a few times for short visits, but he hadn’t expected it to fit into the countryside stereotypes as much. Small town, quiet, horses everywhere… and line dancing. 

He thinks he mishears her at first when she tells him there will be square dancing and line dancing at this event they’re going to. It’s supposed to be a community thing, something the locals do almost every week. She gives him a heads up a week before though, which is nice of her since this is the first time he’s going to be meeting her parents in Fowlerton.

That’s the whole point of their trip to Fowlerton, in all honesty. Sylvie had been getting calls from her parents constantly after Julie’s death to check up on her and how she’s doing. Sylvie gets so bugged by it that they decide to make a weekend trip to Fowlerton to introduce him to her parents and to prove to them that she’s really, truly, completely fine now. Helen and Jordie end up being lovely people, very sweet and supportive of their relationship. They’ve only been there for two days but Matt finally knows where she gets her famous Sylvie Brett optimism, which comes surprisingly from her dad. They stay at her parents’ place, sleeping in their guest bedroom. She shows Matt her old childhood bedroom on the first day, and one glance at the tiny twin bed is enough to know that the guest room is the right choice. Now, Matt’s looking in the mirror and buttoning up the only plaid shirt he owns while Sylvie changes in the bathroom. “You ready?” He calls out to her. 

“Yeah, coming!” She walks out a few minutes later in her full outfit and just. Wow. Sylvie’s always gorgeous, but… wow. Her dress is short, barely reaching her knees with a low-cut neckline and short, off the shoulder sleeves. A thin, white lace is on the exterior. She’s wearing heel-cut boots and the necklace he gave her for their one month anniversary hangs around her neck, blending in with the curled strands of her golden hair. He feels his cheeks heat up. As always, Sylvie is drop-dead gorgeous. 

“What?” She looks at him confused, and he realizes he’s staring. “Is the dress too big? Too weird-looking? Gallo told me over facetime that it was very ‘cottagecore’ but I can’t tell if that’s a good thing or—”

“The dress is perfect. You’re perfect,” he assures her, pulls her closer to him by the waist with his hand, and kisses her. Kisses her hard. 

“Wow,” she breathes heavily as he pulls away, “I should wear this dress more often if the feedback’s going to be that great.” 

“You definitely should,” he nods cheekily. “And I’d rip it right off you right now if I wasn’t so nervous about dancing in front of your parents.” 

Sylvie takes a deep breath in, moves past the idea of ripping her dress off after a moment and reassures Matt. “Oh, don’t be worried, they love you!”

“I’m not sure they’re going to love my two left feet. Slow dancing, that I can do. Line dancing? I don’t even know where to start.” 

“Here, I’ll show you,” she beams, placing herself next to him. 

“So you just put your heel out on- yeah, that foot,” she explains, watching Matt mimic her movements. “Then you bring it back and tap the tip of your toe. Twice.” 

He does so, and then she slowly takes him through all of the important steps to her kind of dancing. He leans on her for support when the steps get hard but by the end of it, he manages to pull off something that could actually be passed for half-decent line dancing. Which, in his book, is an absolute miracle. 

“See? You’ll be great. Besides, these things tend to get a little rowdy towards the end so you won’t even have to do the hardcore stuff, just the easy dances we went through.” 

“That was the easy stuff?!” 

“Oh yeah. Trust me, babe, it gets so much worse,” she shudders at the thought but laughs and wraps her arms around his neck. “We can just slow dance the rest of the night if you want. That sounds much more fun to me,” she smirks, leaning in for another kiss. 

“Mmm,” he mumbles in agreement against her lips before pulling away. “Alright, we better get going. Your parents are probably wondering what’s taking us so long.” 

Sylvie laughs, takes him by the hand and leads him down to the main level where her parents are sitting at their kitchen table. 

“Aww well look at you two!” Helen gushes at them as they come down the stairs. “You two look adorable! Don’t they look adorable, Jordie?” 

“Cute as a button, as always,” Her dad replies, leaning in for a hug from his beloved daughter. He turns to Matt and continues, “You make sure she doesn’t get into too much trouble, alright? Last time this young lady here went to one of these events she tried going on the mechanical bull and broke her ankle.” 

“Ok it was a sprain,” she leaps to her own defense, “and that’s irrelevant. That mechanical bull broke down years ago, we’ll be fine!” 

“Oh, alright. You don’t stay out too late though.” He points a teasing finger at Matt.

“I’m not in high school dad,” she singsongs, warning him. 

“We won’t stay too long, sir. I promise,” he chuckles back.

“Oh I’m just kidding, and please, call me Jordie,” he shakes Matt’s hand and lets them get on their way. 

“I’m sorry about that,” Sylvie blushes as they hop into Matt’s truck. “He can be intense sometimes.” 

“No, I like it. They’re great people. You really lucked out in the parent department. Not,” he bites his tongue when he remembers Julie, “not like that. I’m sorry, I didn’t mean to— with Julie and everything…” 

“Matt, hey,” she soothes his wordy and takes his hand in hers, uses the other to cup his cheek. “It’s alright. I know I’ve been super determined to prove to my parents that I’m fine so far during this trip but that’s only because, well, for so long I wasn’t okay. I was heartbroken and miserable. But then you showed up, and you were there for me throughout all of it. I didn’t just want to show them that I’m okay. I wanted to show them that I’m okay because I have you.” She smiles at him, and all of his worries just melt away. 

Matt feels the tension in his shoulders disappear and gazes into her eyes. How can one person be so damn beautiful and smart and just… amazing? “You’re incredible, do you know that?” 

“Well, yes actually I do,” she smiles devilishly. “But compliments are always highly advised.” She bats her eyes teasingly, watches his face light up as he kisses her. He then starts his car and the engine revs as they pull out of the driveway, driving towards whatever line dancing catastrophe that’s about to come. 

He may have two left feet, but he knows damn well that Sylvie will be his right feet for him. That thought alone is enough to get him through the night.