#question time with clíona

[onlydreamofmysoul]

Hi! I'm a newfound lesbian (ID'd as bi for a while before realizing) and I wrote my college application essay about it. My parents, who I am not out to at all, are claiming they have the right to read my essay because they're paying for the applications. What should i do??

I assume coming out is off the table?

I’m also assuming this won’t work, based on the context of the ask, but have you tried finding a good way to say ‘look, I know you’d really like to read it, however it’s quite personal and I’m just not sure if I’m quite ready to share yet’

Other than that, would there be any chance you could borrow a friends essay just to give to your parents? You could edit it a bit more to suit you maybe?

I’m sorry if this isn’t much help! Sending lots of love and support 💕💕

[onlydreamofmysoul]

I know you’ve talked about that you fell for your best friend before..how did you know? Cause I am constantly in this in between stage with one of my friends and I cannot for the life of me figure out if o like her as more than a friend

Honestly, looking back I genuinely believe taht if you’re not sure if you’re into them that way or not... then you’re not.

Cause sure I loved my friend! 100%, still do, we’re still besties but back in the day I think I just wanted something and I projected those feelings onto her if you get me.

Now I’m not saying that’s your experience, but I do think it was mine. I could never figure it out if I liked her romantically or not but I really think if you like someone that way, you’ll know about it

[onlydreamofmysoul]

Hey so Im gonna start out with the fact that I’m ace and I am a girl . Iv been noticing that lately the smut I’ve been reading has been m/m, and I don’t think I’m fetishizing it, I only read it bc I don’t like reading anything about a girl, bc I start imagining myself in that situation and it is gross for me! I don’t want to b fetishizing gay men, but sometimes I just wanna read smut and that seems to be the only option for me! Do u think I’m fetishizing m/m? Bc I really don’t want to be!

The fetishisation of queer relationships, particularly mlm ones is super complicated. I’m also not a guy and I’m not not have ever been in a mlm relationship but I’m gonna just cut to my general thoughts.

Look, there’s probably some people who’d read this and say yeah that’s fetishisation. But callout culture is a bit extreme atm, and it’s not okay that it’s making you feel so stressed out. You know what goes on in your own head. It’s great that you’re checking what you’re doing, and your intents. That’s how you can make sure you’re doing the right thing. You know your own mind and you know your own heart. If you don’t think you’re fetishising mlm relationships, what you do in the comfort of your own mind really is no one else’s business.

There is a difference in enjoying content and fetishisation and as long as you do a regular review of how you’re consuming content etc and with what intentions, you’ll be able to make sure that you’re doing the former, not the latter.

I hope my point came across semi coherently - I’m just finished a long shift at work so if it’s not making sense just pop back in! Or if anyone has any inputs or just general thoughts and queries etc, my inbox is always open 💕

[onlydreamofmysoul]

hey cliona! I have questions. For women (or anyone femme-alligned I guess). Because I was AFAB and I'm trying to figure out if I'm really trans or if I'm just subconsciously making it up for attention? and I don't know, I just feel like you're a really nice person and I feel safe asking you these questions.

And these questions may be super weird so it's okay if you don't answer them/ don't feel comfortable answering them. Like seriously, they're very personal so it's okay if you ignore this or only respond to some.

Do all cis women feel weird about their... you know... boobs? (I don't know what to call them sorry) when they're growing up? (I'm sixteen) As in, do you look at them and go "oh they look nice, I'm fine with them." or do you look at them sometimes and think "I don't know how I feel about this."

Do you sometimes wish you didn't have them and wish you were a cis guy so that you could go shirtless sometimes?

Do you ever wish you were born as a guy? (not because of the male privilege but just. because. I don't know don't really have a proper reason beside I just feel like it would feel better? I don't know.)

If someone (consistently, like not as a one off mistake) used he/him pronouns for you would you be really uncomfortable with it and correct them or would you be okay with it?

Do you ever look at fanart or just look at a guy and go "holy fuck I want that." or "I wish I looked like that"? (like every time I see Logan or Sirius I'm just like I WANT TO LOOK LIKE THEM I WANT TO BE THEM. and I don't know if it's just because I want to look attractive? but then again, I never feel that way when I look at fanart of a woman? I don't know.)

I'm sorry if this is weird or creepy. You can choose not to answer it, I'd totally understand. Thank you!

Also sorry this is really long and basically me ranting but I'm just desperate at this point. Gender is tiring.

Hiya! First up,  if you’re feeling like you might be trans, I don’t think it’s something you would do for attention! Gender is tiring and none of this is weird or creepy, I just hope I’ll be able to help a lil!

My dudes, I’m gonna get real up and personal in this answer with some shit I’ve been wondering if I would ever speak openly about so here we go!

Do all cis women feel weird about their boobs?

Okay let’s just dive right in! I actually was born with a condition known as Poland syndrome which means I was born missing my my right pectoral muscle - basically I’m saying that I only have one boob. I have my left breast but I don’t have anything on my right side because there is simply no muscle there so I might have a little bit of a different relationship with my breasts than other cis gendered women but I will still try answer this as best I can! Any weirdness I do feel about them is related to the vast asymmetry etc but not because I feel uncomfortable having breasts. I intend on having plastic surgery to get me that other boob, not cause society or whatever, because it’s genuinely what I want. I have a prosthesis (so a fake boob. It’s silicone and I call it Larry) and the all my bras are specially designed with pockets for my prosthesis and while they’re functional and comfortable and stuff I am so excited about being able to wear pretty bras. As soon as I get my surgery (if it works out) I am going to buy so many nice bras and shirts with low cuts and all the things that I have never been able to wear because they don’t fall correctly on me. (While I know I might not be the best person to speak about having breasts, I also think I might be perfect because ever since I was 9 years old I’ve had to think about what I wanted, and I love them! I’m excited about the clothes and bras I can wear with them so maybe that might help put your own feelings in perspective)

So I ever wish I was a cis guy so I can go shirtless?

I do not. I actually imagine getting my surgery so I can go shirtless! I mean, not that I’d go running around shirtless on the regular and stuff, but it’d be nice to have the option. I imagine it with breasts though, not without

Do I ever wish I was born a guy?

I think the only time I’ve ever thought about it is when dramatically singing ‘if I were a boy’. Otherwise, nope I’ve always been very happy with the body I was born with

If someone consistently used He/him pronouns for me, would I feel uncomfortable/correct them?

I’m very privileged in being cis in the sense what if someone misgenders me, I’m okay with it. I mean, if it were constant I would definitely correct just so that they would know, but it doesn’t bother my what people call me because I am very secure in myself and my identity

Do I look at fanart of guys and wish I looked like that?

No, never. Bar the occasional jealousy for Sirius Black’s hair, my only thoughts when I look at fanart of guys is admiration of the artists talent or just loving the art, not wishing I look like them

I hope this helps a little!! I wish you all these best of luck and I’m sending so much love. You’re always welcome here any time!💕💕💕

[onlydreamofmysoul]

Oh goodness okay. I need some good ol’ Cliona’s Corner advice if it’s not too much to ask (if it is, please ignore 💕).

So I’m a cis female who’s always loved men but recently looked a bit longer at girls and noticed that yeah they’re pretty. The thing is that I’m on the asexual spectrum, which is also a recently learned fact. And for me that means I 100% don’t have any desire to sleep with women, while with men I would consider doing it if my partner wanted. And when I picture getting married, or dates, or parenting- it’s always with a man. Not once a woman. So I’m realizing now that calling myself “bi” as I have been for maybe just under a year....doesn’t really fit too well for me. And that would be fine if not for the fact that some of my good friends make a huge deal of no one in our group being straight, gay (or slightly gay) people being superior, ect.

And it feels super weird having everyone see me and accept me as bi when I don’t feel bi. And I don’t want to be just another straight girl who pretended to be bi for just a little bit before she got bored and went back to men. And I don’t want to be excluded from their pride celebrations just because I identify with straight, because I’m still aspec. But I’m worried if I say I’m straight they’ll see me differently, start to other me.

So my question really is....is pride month a good time to come out as straight?

Wow!

(That last line gave me a bit of a giggle! It would be a great headline!)

Okay let’s crack on!

First of all, you do whatever the fuck feels best for you. I totally get what you mean about your friends, I knew people in school who would actively diss someone (and not in a joking way) just because they were straight? And it always really bothered me! It actually became so intense and spread out over so many things (like nothing could happen without it being gay. This is not an internalised homophobia thing on my behalf to say this, this was something else altogether). It really ended up hurting a friend of mine who was their friend too and happens to be straight and she’s still friends with them to this day (she’s friends friends with them, I was more ‘we shared a few classes’ friends of you get me) but now she genuinely hesitates to tell them about her love life due to things they’ve judged her for in the past.

Starting this off with a horror story was prob not the best way to do this!

The point of that story really was to say, if you feel that telling them you’re straight would be a Thing, you don’t have to tell them. You don’t owe anyone anything. If you want to, great! But you don’t have to.

(Side note, as an ace person, you can still be part of the lgbtqia community, you could also emphasise that to them if you wanted because, loopholes) if they try and exclude you just cause you’re only attracted to guys, then really, they’re not as open and inclusive and progressive as they may claim to be. I’ve actually seen this a lot, where people in the lgbt community try, idk, make you fit into what their idea of queer is? But it doesn’t fucking matter, the only person who’s opinion you need; is your own.

Personally; I think pride is a great time to come out! Pride is all about expressing yourself and having the freedom to do that! You’re not a stereotypical girl who ‘pretended to be bi’ (tune in another time for a rant on why that’s absolute bullshit and no one should be shamed for being open minded and figuring themselves out) you’re a person who took the time and effort to come to turns with yourself and your mind and your body and really, that can be a hard thing to do, so go you!

If I’ve learned anything, it’s that we humans are ever-evolving. Who knows, in the future you might realise a different label suits better, but if this one works for you right now - fantastic!!!

(And I’ve said it a million times but I’ll say it again, you don’t have to label yourself as anything if you don’t want! In my head I’m just... me. Labels aren’t my thing really. I’ll use them to help other people grasp certain aspects about me but in my own head, I’m just chillin)

I hoped this helped even a little bit. Remember, only you knows what’s best and what’s right for you. Do whatever feels best. I’ve got your back either way, if anyone gives you any grief just send them my way!

Sending so much love and support!

Clíona💕💕💕

[onlydreamofmysoul]

Okay this may sound a bit weird but am I the only one who loves to feel the curve of my boobs when I wear a sweater or a shirt without a bra under it?

Like, I'm chilling on my phone and subconsciously start to stroke? the curve? I don't know?

I don’t think it’s weird! I totally get what you mean! I kinda do the same thing but more with my waist or my hips? Like sometimes I’ll just start tracing the curve and it’s so hard to explain cause saying it like that makes it sound vaguely sexual or whatever but it’s totally not?

[onlydreamofmysoul]

I wrote a little SW fic where coops has a daughter, but I'm really scared to post it, I've never posted any of my writing before, any advice?

Oh my goodness that’s exciting!

I would say just go for it! It might be a little nerve wrecking but the lil SW fandom is so lovely and kind and a fantastic place to get started!

A good thing I think to know, when posting your own work is that all that matters is that you’re happy. Sometimes fics get really great engagement and sometimes they don’t, but either way it doesn’t matter as long as you’re happy. Writing is like anything, it can take some practice to properly get into it, so try not to be overly critical of your work and instead of seeing mistakes, look at them as opportunities to grow

You’ve totally got this!

[onlydreamofmysoul]

Does it count as not being out if you never claimed to be straight? Gotta stop heteronormativity 🧐

Ahh this is me being nervous because I internally planned to just be straight and ignore that I’m bisexual because the thought of coming out is scary but I’m now trying to be involved with this women so it’s a problem

This is literally why it took me so long to ‘come out’ like ?? I was never in??? If someone straight up asked me I never lied but damn I was expected to make a big announcement? That’s just not me

If it’s not time for you, that’s okay! You’ll know when it’s right and that’s all that matters. I hope it goes well for you with your potential suitor and I hope of you’re still not ready to be out publicly she’ll be okay with that 💕

[onlydreamofmysoul]

Help! I don't know how to tell platonic feelings from romantic ones... I have a friend who I am very close with and we lowkey flirt all the time and we go on social distanced "dates" occasionally. I would never make a move on her because 1. she has a boyfriend and 2. I don't want to ruin the friendship. But I feel like if the situation were different and she asked me out I wouldn't say no? Idk? I can't tell if I feel like this because we are close or because I like her. Any advice? -SO anon

Wow I was in exactly that situation for a long time! You know, to this day I still don’t know if I actually had feelings for her or if I just thought I did? I was happy to never say anything because it wasn’t super intense or anything and I’m pretty sure it was more of a situational thing but I suppose I’ll never know for sure. Which isn’t helpful to you in any way but I totally know what you mean.

I was in the same place where I wasn’t gonna say anything but I’d also be chill to date if she did you know? Now I love her with my whole heart, but it’s just as a friend. Leaving school and being separated by lockdown and stuff was good because not being around her every day gave me the chance to see if my feelings for her were just platonic or not.

Not that I’m suggesting you ghost your friend or anything! That only happened to be me cause of the whole panoramic. But maybe think it out in your head a little, what would your life be like if you didn’t see them every day you know?

I think you also just have to decide whether it’s truly platonic or not at all and work out a game plan based on that. I know that’s probably not helpful in any way but I totally know what you’re feeling rn and I’m always here for a chat if you need it!

[onlydreamofmysoul]

Confused about the difference between physical attraction and sexual attraction :(

Okay so stay with me cause I’m pretty sure I have this right after doin a mini deep dive to fact check but from what I’ve gathered;

Sexual attraction essentially does what it says on the tin. It’s being attracted to someone in the sense where you can be turned on by them/ picture yourself having sex with them

I’m getting conflicting answers for physical attraction but the best things I can see is:

One - it’s an attraction to someone and appreciating how they look but not necessarily being sexually attracted to them. So you could be physically attracted to someone, but not sexually.

Another thing I found was a definition that I always personally associated with aesthetic attraction - in the sense where you can look at a person and objectively see that they could be considered attractive, but you yourself don’t feel any desire to be with them

They’re kind of confusing concepts that are difficult to define because obviously all forms of attraction have a little overlap but I hope this helps a bit? If not just come on back and we’ll see what else we can find!

[onlydreamofmysoul]

okay get ready cuz it’s a long one

so one of my best friends and i, we’ve always been close, like he’s there for me if i need him and we meet up often, but we’ve been even closer these last few weeks, non stop chatting and sending eachother dog pics and going for walks and stuff like that. he asked me for relationship advice ffs (theyre not together anymore) and then they broke up, and i said relationships are way too messy and he said fwb is much easier, and i mean he’s not wrong👀 so i agreed. and since then he keeps calling me by my name, like, insanely often. on chat but irl as well, like saying my name with every other sentence, and texting me even more then he already did. (we don’t go to the same school so that’s why we text a lot) and like last week we met up with a group and i got overwhelmed and he asked me if i wanted to go outside for a little while and texted me later to ask if i was alright. and i don’t know if i’m reading too much into it but i feel like he’s kinda maybe hitting on me? more like testing out what i would do if he did actually hit on me? also!! keep in mind he’s really more of a relationship kind of person but i am not cuz i’m ill a lot and i’ve told him that but i haven’t exactly told him why, so he could have brought the fwb thing up because of that? idk help pls

Wow!

First off, I totally get what you mean about relationships when you’re sick a lot, it’s hard! For me I always try explain that at times I might not be around a lot of Im in a flare and while they think they get it, when it happens it turns out to be a bit of an issue

Although, this guy is your best friend so I’m pretty sure he knows exactly what you’re like! I don’t think you have to worry about that side of it with him, like I totally get it, I really do but maybe this is your chance to say hey this could work for me

Based on what you’ve said, it kinda sounds like he’s into you! But that’s just what it sounds like to me, obviously I don’t know him or you or your relationship so you’re the best judge. But I think it’s worth asking maybe? I mean you’re already fwb and obviously great friends so even if he hasn’t been asking you out I think it’s something ye can just get past easily!

I’m not sure if you actually want to be with him or not, but either way it’s worth being honest. I was with a friend of mine today (who I used to date actually) and she was telling me how she straight up said to her friend (who had admitted feelings for her but then dated other people) ‘can you tell me if you’re going to ask me out or not so I can move on?’ And I was shocked because she was never nearly as direct even just a year ago! And I said as much to her and she admitted that our own relationship would have been so much different if she had been able to communicate with me instead of just hoping I was a mind reader and it’s totally true.

I suppose what I’m saying is, today especially taught me that sometimes it’s worth just straight up asking the question. And if it goes wrong well fuck it, that’s what life is for, learning on the go. But I think if you’re good enough friends, it won’t matter the outcome.

Sorry this is a long ramble! I hope it makes some sense!!!

[onlydreamofmysoul]

Hi! I know you’re probably sleeping (time zones) but I have a Sexuality Crisis™️ question. Can people who are pansexual have a gender preference? I’ve seen stuff that say they can’t and that’s omnisexual and I’ve also seen stuff that says they can. I think I might have a preference for guys but I also might not be experienced yet? I only realized I wasn’t straight a few months ago and I’m still trying things out. If you or anyone else here could help me that would be great! Thank you so much!!

You can totally have a preference!!!

Sure, you might still be figuring things out, but that’s okay! Labels don’t have to be permanent, they can grow with us. Or, maybe you’ll have the preference forever! Sexuality is fluid and in my experience it’s always evolving even within yourself.

You can only have ever dated boys and be pansexual. You can only ever days girls and still be pan. You can prefer to date guys and still be pan

I think it’s all about whatever label you like the best, ignore intricate technicalities if they’re not for you. If that’s your thing, great! But it’s also okay to use a broader label and not specify if you don’t want to!

I hope this helps even a lil! You’re welcome to pop in here any time!💕💕

[onlydreamofmysoul]

Alright so I came out to my friends yesterday as graysexual and explained what that meant generally. I’m neutral/favorable (sometimes) towards sex, but haven’t told them that part specifically. They had no problem with my sexuality, but I feel like they treat me differently now? They’re all pretty sexual people, and I think it’s fun to be around them because their jokes are super funny and the atmosphere is so relaxed. But ever since yesterday they’ve stopped including me in those more risqué jokes. And I know it’s only been like 24 hours and they’re probably just trying to make me feel ‘more comfortable’ or something but it comes off that they’re treating me more fragile now and I highkey hate it. Idk. It’s just bugging me and I don’t know what to do.

Tell them! Be like guys I really appreciate that you’re trying to make me comfortable but like really you don’t have to censor yourselves! I’m still me, I still have the same humour even if I don’t always have the sexual attraction but that doesn’t mean I can’t joke about it

[onlydreamofmysoul]

I think “physical attraction” and “aesthetic attraction” is the same thing. Like it’s the appreciation of how someone looks. I definitely can feel aesthetic attraction towards women and very rarely men. But that being said, I believe I’ve never felt sexual attraction to anyone ever. I’ve never seen someone and thought about sleeping with them.

So yeah I think I would say aesthetic attraction IS a attraction to someone’s physical attributes? Correct me if I’m wrong anyone, just trying to help. ♥️

From what I know and have experienced I think that sounds about right!

[onlydreamofmysoul]

Why are period cramps the worst thing everrr im trying to distract myself by rereading sw from the beginning i havent done that in a while!

Oof that sucks! Can you get a hot water bottle? I have one for my own cramps atm and even if it doesn’t help it’s just so comforting to hold something warm.

Im also so excited to be able to read SW from start to finish but I’ve been saving it for when I’m on my Christmas holidays 💕

[onlydreamofmysoul]

Okay I’m in need of an outside perspective. I found out today from a friend that my (now ex) boyfriend had been talking to another girl causally, but after she told him she liked him, he had made plans to break up with me so he could date her. This went on for a bit, with him even having a set date for when he was going to break up with me. However, after some time, he decided that he wanted to stay with me, and felt bad lining up relationships. Again, I knew none of this until today 1/2

Continued ask and answer below cut ✨

Once I found out, I was angry, mostly at what I viewed as cowardly since I had to find out through the grapevine. I ended up deciding to end things, since I didn’t think it was fair to me to let myself get strung along. I knew that while it wasn’t my fault, I would keep doubting my actions for the rest of the relationship. My friends were all on my side, and very much encouraging me to end it, while he was trying to insist that he had changed his mind and wanted to have time to explain etc 2/3

I genuinely believe that he wanted to change and didn’t mean to hurt me, but it also sucks so much From my end. I feel really guilty about ending it so fast, especially since this was the first major fight we’ve ever really had. I think I’m worried that I blew it up, so from an outsider, should this have been something we talked out?Maybe bring back the communication and hear him out? Maybe my decision was wrong and fueled by the anger of those around me idk Thanks for always being so kind! 3/3

Hiya! First of all, I’m so sorry this has happened! It definitely fucking sucks but I can promise that this shitty feeling won’t last forever.

As for what I think, well it’s a little hard to say anything for certain when I haven’t known or seen you two together. I’m a person who believes in second chances but I also fully believe that no matter what, the right thing to do is whatever makes you happy.

You’re saying that you do believe he didn’t mean to hurt you and that’s fair, I would think that too! Very few people ever actually mean to hurt people they care for, but at the end of the day he did. I’m not saying he can’t come back from that if he works hard enough but I honestly think you were right in breaking it off. It really comes down to this - would you be able to trust both yourself and him in the relationship? You say that you would just be doubting your own actions and I know it’s hard now but if that’s the case, then breaking it off was the right choice. You need to do what’s best for you and what makes you happy and if you would be feeling like that, it’ll only make you feel worse and worse. Relationships need to be built on a foundation of trust, otherwise they’ll turn toxic.

Whatever you decide, I support you. You know your own heart and mind better than anyone else. But I would also say that in my experience, our gut reaction is generally how we really feel about something, before we overthink and let our brain meddle in it.

And just for the record, I don’t think you blew it up for no reason. It might be your first fight, but what he did was still pretty shady and your reaction was completely valid. It’s good that you’re thinking over your actions now because that will help you feel confident about your choice in the long term but there’s nothing that you need to feel guilty about, even if you do end up getting back together.

Sending lots and lots of love! I hope this helped a lil. You’re always so very welcome to pop back here anytime you’d like 💕💕