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lynkhart · 3 years ago

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MAJOR spoilers for the C2 finale of Critical Role so read at your own risk of you haven’t caught up!

I have so many feelings regarding Caleb and Essek’s intertwining character arcs I needed to explore, so strap in folks, you’re in for a bit of a ride! (But seriously though, this is like 4000 words long, I basically wrote an essay 😂)

At the start of the campaign, Caleb Widogast was dripping in guilt and self loathing and refused to believe he could ever absolve himself of his sins. Essek Thelyss was a cold, aloof individual who betrayed his people for selfish goals, and their differing yet mirrored narratives have been an absolute delight to watch unfold.

In the beginning Caleb truly hated himself. He shot down any attempt at a compliment, described himself as a ‘disgusting person’, outright rejected the idea that he was worthy of love, and never let the blame shift from him for what he’d done. When Beauregard and Veth/Nott pointed out that he was coerced and manipulated into killing his parents, he reacts in an incredibly visceral way, and I’ve seen several comments likening it to a victim of child abuse who was groomed into believing they were as responsible as their abuser, and I think that’s exactly how it was meant to be read. He doesn’t see himself as a victim, only a murderer, and punishes himself for it every day. We see this in the way he presents himself, dirty and unkempt because in his mind he doesn’t deserve to feel good about himself in any way. Other than Nott/Veth and Beau to a certain degree, he purposefully isolates himself from the rest of the group and it’s a long time until he feels relaxed enough in their company to drop his defences a little.

(Speaking from a purely meta point of view, Liam did an absolutely phenomenal job of showing this through body language and I’d love to see someone do a compilation video of it. He starts off very hunched and guarded, leaning his body away from the closest person to him and avoiding eye contact and physical touch; but by the end stands tall and sure of himself.)

Early on there were a few moments where he had the option to do some pretty dark shit, and I’m sure there’s a possible timeline where he gave into his desire for revenge and really lost his way, but I’m glad he stuck it out and worked through his trauma in the way he did. His PTSD and disassociation when casting with fire was tragic, but over time he was able to work through it thanks to the constant love and support of his friends who kept him from going off at the deep end.

Molly’s death was the catalyst for change in a lot of the party, and Caleb is no exception. On the verge of leaving the group prior to his death, the grief they shared, combined with their frantic attempt to rescue the other half of their party put things in perspective and gradually he learned how to be a person again, to care.

Altering time to save his family had been Caleb’s only goal in life, and so when Essek and by extension, dunamancy was introduced, you could see his eyes light up at the possibilities.

A huge turning point for him is aligned so closely with Essek’s redemption arc which feels quite apt I think. When Essek confesses to his crimes, Caleb delivers a beautifully iconic piece of dialogue where he acknowledges their similarities and how much he himself has changed as a person since meeting the Mighty Nein. (Source - CR wiki)

‘You listen to me. I know what you are talking about. I know. And the difference between you and I is thinner than a razor. I know what it means to have other people complicate your desires and wishes. And I was like you. Was. I know what a fool I have been for years. You didn't account for us. Good. That is life. Shit hits you sideways in life and no one is prepared. No one is ready. These people changed me. These people can change you. You were not born with venom in your veins. You learned it. You learned it. You have a rare opportunity here, Thelyss. One chance to save yourself, and we are offering it.’

This is not the same Caleb we met back in the Nestled Nook inn way back in the first episode. While not yet fulfilled or entirely convinced of his own worth, he knows he’s on the right path. That alone is progress enough, but that he uses his own experiences to help another escape those same chains of guilt says such a lot for his development. When he tells Essek that his ‘venom’ was learned, he’s also talking about himself and his own history of being manipulated and gaslit, with the implication being that it can be un-learned just as efficiently.

Caleb Widogast is selfish no more, or at the very least, doesn’t let his goals undermine anyone else’s anymore. Contrary to what he himself might still think, he is in no way a bad person. He loves fiercely and cannot abide seeing those he cares about in pain.

Early game Essek is what Caleb could have been if he’d rejected his friends and focused solely on his own selfish goal to undo his mistakes. Both are impassive at first and see the Mighty Nein as means to an end...until they get to know them and then their fate is sealed. The Power of Friendship wins once again!

At the beginning Caleb said he wanted to ‘bend reality to my will’ (sic) and in the end he does just that, though not in the way he originally intended. Destroying the T-Dock, and by extension the one thing he’d been building towards from the start, the chance to go back and change time, for me personally was the absolute peak of his journey. I rewatched the scene where Caleb revealed the truth about his parents death today, and it was really jarring to see just how far he’d come since then. It made me oddly proud actually.

I always felt like his plan to save his parents was the one thing holding him back from truly accepting their deaths, which is why the final scene of him in the cemetery with the letters for them hit so hard. He never truly gave up hope that they’d be reunited, but ultimately he realised he was merely postponing the inevitable and never allowing himself to live his own life. While time travel shenanigans would have been incredibly interesting to explore in game, choosing to let the past lie and not go back for them finally allows him to grieve and move on, and perhaps most importantly of all, to forgive himself at last.

I know some people were annoyed by Caleb’s decision in the finale to spend the rest of his life teaching rather than continuing to adventure, but I see it as the natural conclusion to his whole arc and his own personal victory.

He looked Trent Ikithon in the eyes, a man who he’d spent years wanting to kill and run from in equal measure, stripped him of his power and his voice (and ultimately his ability to harm anyone else) and finally spared his life so he had to live with the indignity of his defeat for the rest of his miserable existence. You couldn’t have asked for a more damning rejection of everything he’d been brainwashed into believing as a child. His dismissal of Trent’s position in the Assembly played into that as well. He never really wanted power for the sake of it; he had no desire for politics, he just wanted his family back, and while he didn’t get the one he started with, he made a new one for himself in the end.

As Caduceus once very wisely said:

‘Pain doesn’t make people; it's love that makes people. The pain is inconsequential; it's love that saves them.’

Caleb gets to break the cycle of abuse and teach a new generation of mages the way he should have been, with kindness and respect, and I’m pretty sure he’d have introduced a handsome drow as a guest lecturer from time to time. 😉

Speaking of...

Essek described himself as selfish and as a coward, forever putting his own wants and desires first, yet over the course of his journey with the Nein we see his priorities change drastically.

Having friends gives him people to care about, something he’s never had before, and it changes his outlook on life completely. For me, the first time we really see this is when he joins them for dinner in the Xorhaus and stops levitating. It’s a subtle thing, but meaningful. He explains that it had become an expectation of him, a quirk he’s known for, and so to feel comfortable enough around the Nein to drop that pretence is quite bold I think.

Much later, when he chooses to destroy the mini beacon they discover in Aeor in order to give everyone a long rest before the final confrontation with Lucian, he’s essentially giving up everything he betrayed his people for, just to keep his friends safe. The existence and context of that single artefact could have had an earthshattering impact on the Dynasty’s entire culture, forcing them to reevaluate their entire belief system and attitude to the Luxon, something he’d wanted from the start, something he helped start a war for, but he offered it up as a sacrifice without a second thought.

I’d say that’s a pretty big morality shift, and I’m super interested to see if Matt reveals if his alignment changed in the post campaign Q&A. I have a feeling he set him up as a potential BBEG but the party was like ‘no, you can’t have him, he’s ours now’ and that was the end of that. 😂

I think it says so much about the other characters too, that they befriended this person they barely knew, and when he was revealed to have done such terrible things, their first reaction was to give him comfort and an opportunity to atone. Jester held his hand while he confessed, and afterwards, while they didn’t immediately forgive him, they saw the good in him and wanted him to be better, which ultimately feels like what the entire campaign was about, leaving places (and people) better than they found them. It’s obvious that he’s never really had many friends before and has therefore never had the opportunity to be emotionally open with anyone, so seeing him gradually warm up to the Nein and allow himself to soften around them was really lovely to watch.

(Obviously, from a realistic moral perspective, he still fucked up big time. He’s still a godsdamned war criminal and really should have been put on trial for what he did, but I think from a narrative and personal point of view, his redemption arc was far more satisfying, so I’m glad it happened the way it did. (And not to derail but the rest of the gang have done some pretty horrific stuff as well, though perhaps not quite on the same scale)

He has a few moments towards the end that I absolutely love because they show that beneath the guilt and anguish, there’s an incredibly sweet and sensitive soul in there, just wanting acceptance. His dry jokes which often don’t quite hit, (the ‘I will punish the bakery’ line is such an under-appreciated one 😂) his simple joy at learning to garden in the Blooming Grove, and realising that he’d never been asked what his favourite food was before was actually kind of heartbreaking, because it highlighted how lonely his life must have been until that time. There was a moment pretty early on I think when he cast disguise on the party and Jester asked if he could cast it again to change the look of her outfit a bit and while he seemed to find it amusing, he refused, not wanting to waste a spell on such a frivolous request. Cut to their time in Aeor where he burns a fly spell just so he and Caleb can flirtatiously swoop around each other for a couple of minutes, all the while trying to beat Lucian to the city.

His breakdown when Molly’s resurrection failed really cemented to me how much he’d grown as a character. He never met Molly, his only knowledge of him was secondhand, through the eyes of his friends, but seeing it fail just broke him because he knew how much it hurt them to go through it all over again.

His comment to Caleb about not admitting defeat and wishing he could do more did get me wondering at the time if he was going to try and do something crazy, perhaps sacrificing himself via the Temporal Dock to make amends or somehow forcing another reroll, but I’m glad he didn’t. The conversation following that with Fjord was one of my favourites- he shows him acceptance and belief in his potential for the future, something he’s lacked for a long time, and when Caleb bluntly affirms afterwards that he is indeed an official member of the Mighty Nein, it’s the start of the rest of his life, and something he’s exceptionally grateful for.

It all leads to that final moment in Aeor with Caleb, when, presented with the opportunity to alter time and undo everything, he chooses to accept his decisions and carry the weight of his sins for the rest of his long life. That’s...huge.

He’s essentially choosing to live the rest of his existence as a fugitive, forever on the run, with no guaranteed peace or safety. He chooses to spend his life making up for his deeds, rather than looking for an easy way out.

I think that may have had a big impact on why Caleb ultimately made the same decision, as if Essek had been up for altering his timeline I think he’d have struggled to resist it himself. The conversation they had earlier in Aeor about their priorities and resisting temptation really comes to mind as well.

Now, to the relationship.

It was subtle, and not as ‘in your face’ obvious as the other characters, but I’ve been watching and hoping for a long time and I must say, it feels good to be vindicated.

(And if you have any doubt, both Matt and Liam confirmed on Twitter that their post finale relationship was 100% romantic)

I’d been hoping that Shadowgast would be a canon endgame relationship for a while, so the finale, and the aforementioned T-Dock scene in particular had me quite literally shaking with emotion as I watched live. Here you have two men, both damaged and guilt-stricken in their own ways, who find in each other a kindred spirit and a path to redemption.

They’re both very guarded and closed off people, but Essek in particular has a definite shift in the last arc of the campaign especially when it came to his interactions with Caleb. At the start he was quite aloof and stoic, though charming, and they had an instant connection through their shared love of the arcane, (anyone who couldn’t see them making heart eyes at each other when Essek was describing the different types of magic he could teach Caleb was clearly blind) but by the end he was incredibly open to showing his vulnerabilities and that takes a lot, especially for someone whose primary focus was to stay in control of every aspect of his life. The ‘Caleb, I’m scared’ moment during the Trent fight in particular made my heart ache.

No, we didn’t get a dramatic declaration of love or a cinematic mid-battle kiss, but I’d argue that their relationship was just as, if not more intimate than any of the other main characters were. They understood each other in a way the others didn’t, their shared guilt, feelings of inadequacy and their obsession with magic forged a deep connection from the get-go. Neither of them are big fans of PDA I think, though Caleb is tactile as hell (forehead touches and kisses, oh man, I’m so weak for those 😩👌) and some of their most iconic moments have them putting themselves in harm’s way to protect the other. Essek shaking off his forced guilt trip immediately after the now infamous forehead touch in ep140 was beautifully poetic, as was using his fortune’s favour to pull Caleb out of the rubble moments before. Caleb trying to include him in his Sphere of Invulnerability in the finale and Essek staying close to him the whole fight despite being obviously terrified of Trent was the icing on the cake. It’s clear that they care for each other a great deal; whether by the finale they’d consider it love is up for debate, but we know that’s eventually where it ended up and honestly, I love that. I deeply appreciated the fact Matt and Liam both emphasised that they took their time with their relationship, letting each other heal in their own way before they took the next step. All too often in media, and real life too sadly, a romantic relationship is seen as some kind of quick fix, and that a lover will somehow complete you or make all your problems vanish. They knew this wasn’t the case here, and that made it all the better.

While I would have *loved* to have seen them together as a couple right to the very end, the change in their relationship felt right, if bittersweet. I doubt they ever stopped loving each other, and if anything, choosing to shift to a deep and lifelong friendship over a romance that would cause them both so much pain is one of the kindest things you could do for someone you love. After all, friendship isn’t a downgrade, just another way of experiencing that same love, and it wasn’t as though they broke up and never saw each other again, it was pretty strongly implied that they remained a major feature in each other’s lives, they just changed their label slightly. Caleb would hate to have forced Essek to watch him wither away, and although his eventual passing would hurt Essek regardless, incompatible lifespans being what they are, having a period of time to adjust to it, to give them a buffer between the inevitable heartbreak was actually really sweet.

Their romance was no accident, they knew going in that it had a time limit, that it wasn’t going to be forever for one of them, and the fact they did it anyway says so much. They began their adventure wholeheartedly believing that they were both, in their own way incapable of love, only to later find it with each other. Whether their relationship lasted for a couple of years or multiple decades is irrelevant, what matters is that while it did they had a happy and fulfilled life together.

I know some folk wanted Caleb to use the transmogrification spell on himself so he could live on with Essek as another elf, or make him human instead, but that would have been way out of character for both I think. If they could have backwards engineered one of the rejuvenation stations in Aeor and used it to extend Caleb’s life by a hundred years or so, so he’d have a similar lifespan to Veth, now, I could have seen him possibly doing that, so he could spend more time with his best friend too, but nothing further I think. He longed to be reunited with his parents too much to postpone death unnaturally like that.

That both Caleb and Essek ultimately chose to live with their mistakes and make peace with themselves was incredibly cathartic, and I couldn’t imagine it playing out any better.

The fact Matt has explicitly stated Essek is Demi too means so much to me personally because the latter is a label I’ve been identifying with a lot recently, and it’s so rare for aspec relationships to get any representation! It has honestly given me a lot to think about over the last few days, and I really appreciate it.

To conclude, here’s a bit of shameless self promotion. I wrote this after watching the finale and honestly feel like it sums up my feelings on the nature of their relationship pretty well.

‘A casual hand on a shoulder, a waist, a wrist; a gentle kiss placed on a forehead is common between them now, an intimacy born of trust and mutual affection. Over time it grows, like a fire born of seasoned timber; gradual and steady, no spluttering kindling that flares and sparks, but a slow burn, one which lasts.

Their love is embroidered into every aspect of their lives together. Acts of service, of comfort, of understanding.

Sometimes a kiss leads to more than a kiss, sometimes it doesn’t. Either way they are content.‘

So yeah, I love these two wizard boys so very much and I couldn’t be happier with the conclusion of their stories. ❤️

#Critical Role #Critical Role Spoilers #CR Spoilers #shadowgast #Essek thelyss #Caleb Widogast #C2ep141 #C2ep141 spoilers #critical role finale

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mcbride · 3 years ago

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TWD S11 Predictions - Carol/Daryl focused

disclaimer: i don't know anything. i have no sources. just my predictions, thoughts and wishful thinking based on filming tracking, intuition, some theories, images from the teaser/promo trailers and more wishful thinking!

solely focused on Carol and Daryl's storylines, cause apparently that's all my heart cares about anymore! as a wise person once said (Espy, my positive fairy! if you're reading this, ilysm), our baes need to be dealing with their own issues and demons, separately, while getting some closure with other people, so they can finally move forward together.

so i don't expect many actual caryl scenes in part 1 of s11, but i fully expect them to keep each other in mind, and even make some decisions based on a future they wanna have together even before they resolve the awkward tension between them atm.

imo the perfect caryl arc in 11a would include a lot of emotional encounters, drama, disappearances, fake deaths, torture, tragedy, dog, closure and make up and make out... after the jump....

it appears that Carol and Daryl will be involved in different missions at the start of the season - he will head out with Maggie's group to search for food when they are caught up in a storm and have to hide out in the subway tunnels; while i presume she stays back to defend and help clean up ASZ or goes on her own mission with Kelly and Magna.

Carol, Kelly and Magna end up stumbling upon Connie's journal, a symbol of hope for all of them. they might even decide to search the area for any more signs of Connie. i really want Carol herself to find Connie and bring her back to Kelly. and not cause Carol is a hero who saved Connie, nooooooo cause Connie can save her own self. she is strong, not a damsel in distress. she went through hell but she made it back. i think we will see Connie and what she has been through, however, i don't believe she will reunite with anyone from team family before the MSF (11x08) or even MSP (11x09). no idea who she and Virgil are running from in the trailer - it could either be a whisperer, a stray reaper or just some crazy random motherf*cker they run into.

while Maggie's group are in the tunnels, dog runs off and Daryl goes to search for him, never making it back to the group for some reason. after the storm is over, Maggie and the group search for Daryl but not having been able to find him (?) they just assume he is gone, possibly dead? i don't know why Maggie would give up so easily searching for family, but it seems like her current MO to just leave people behind.

along the way, Carol and Magna will find common ground and actually become besties cause she desperately needs some female friends. please and thank you. they can bond over the hope to find Connie alive and well, or the fact, both of them are currently in a very awkward position with their boos while having no idea where the heck they are.

Daryl probably got separated from the group while escaping a small herd in the tunnels (cue to Daryl's face covered in blood in the woods) and when he finally finds dog, he comes face to face with a masked reaper formerly known to him as Leah. he is shocked to learn she's part of the group that targeted Maggie. Leah is probably bitter Daryl chose his family instead of her a few years ago cause she has no idea he came back for her... so she and her friends take (willingly or not!) Daryl prisoner... possibly torture him and play mind games to gather information on team family.

in the sdcc trailer, there are some very heartbreaking scenes with Carol (and Aaron?), i cannot wait for it. i know it's gonna make me cry so hard and i've been needing Carol/Aaron friendship for years. at the same time, i expect Carol to also have some badass fighting scenes with her daughter-in-law and new bestie, Lydia, and tia Rosita! YES girl power!! people need Carol and she's totally there for them.

Aaron seems to be in a bad place emotionally (possibly something happened to Gracie, or just the fact they lost a lot of people in the whisperers war!) and Carol will be there to urge him not to make the same mistakes she did. hopefully, these 2 can join forces and come up with a masterplan to defeat the reapers.

Daryl being Daryl who always wants to save people even from themselves, tries to convince Leah to change sides, join team family, or convince her own family to leave his family alone. he's unsuccessful and when Daryl tries to escape, setting the whole place on fire and killing a few men on his way out of the reapers compound, Leah threatens to harm dog. cause why not? she obvi loves nothing or no one! they take Daryl back to another cell, and dog manages to escape.

meanwhile, Maggie's group returns to ASZ, where they tell Carol they believe Daryl is lost or dead. please give me all the angst that comes with Carol thinking she may have lost Daryl forever! she has been pretty committed to the group and rebuilding their home, but i believe her first instinct will be to run, to leave... TO FIND DARYL!!! cause no way in hell would Carol just accept he's gone unless she sees it with her own eyes.

WELL in true 'if you can't beat them, then join them' fashion, after a few brainwashing sessions with Leah, Daryl tells her all about the note (FIND ME) he left for her at the cabin, how he knows he made the wrong decision then, declares his loyalty to her and joins the reapers...

dog arrives at ASZ just as Carol is about to leave to search for Daryl. good boy always comes back home to mama and together they will find and save dada. (bear with me! from now on i'll be totally running wild with my wishful thinking... it will pretty much read like some fanfic plot!)

Daryl keeps trying to fit in with the reapers group, but he's only taking a page from Carol's undercover book - fake it till you make it + destroy them from the inside. what he doesn't know is that Leah and her new/old bf (Pope!?) have been planning an attack on ASZ behind his back. they simply let him know, this is his chance to prove himself to the reapers. he has to go along with the plan (or DIE!), but he hopes to be Alexandrians' inside man, helping them protect their family at all costs (ironically, exactly what Negan did when he joined the whisperers and they attacked Hilltop... just not the same motivation! i guess Carol wasn't so wrong about Negan after all!)

at night, Daryl puts on his reaper costume and they head to ASZ. reapers learned the location of the place by tracking dog. the plan was much bigger and more explosive than Daryl expected, the reapers destroy a big part of ASZ brand new rebuilt wall and set fire to a bunch of houses and the mill before Daryl can even react.

Alexandrians and reapers fight as Daryl sneaks out to lead the kids to safety. he finds Maggie, asks for Carol, and is glad she is out there looking for him, relatively safe, rather than around to fight and watch ASZ fall.

while out looking for Daryl, Carol hears the explosions, sees the fire and she and dog return to ASZ as fast as they can. they are greeted by Leah at what used to be front gate...

i realize this is getting extremely long, so i'll just say that i absolutely don't want Carol to have anything to do with Leah's possible imminent death. i don't want that guilt on her conscience, and i don't want her to feel like Leah is just another person she took from Daryl (like Connie!). i don't even want Leah to die! unless she's trying to hurt or kill Daryl.

somehow i think it would be a good twist, if for a quick second Carol thought Daryl had betrayed them and joined the reapers for Leah. of course, Carol knows better. SHE KNOWS DARYL. he would never, but for a brief panicked moment, it would be good to see her react to that. i can only imagine the pain in her eyes. but she also trusts Daryl with her life.

we have no idea what Leah knows about Carol, but i'd like the pocketknife Daryl regifted to come back. how would Leah react? likely angry to see another woman with something that was hers. i want to believe Daryl would never tell Leah anything about Carol because she is just too important and too personal to share. but maybe Leah can tell there was someone else !? who knows.

i just want it to be completely clear Daryl is done with that part of his past. Daryl is not alone and lost in the woods anymore without his brother Rick and his bestie Carol. ever since Carol brought him back, Daryl has acted like he knows exactly what he wants and he's done playing games. and what he wants is not Leah or Connie. he wants for ALL his family to be safe and happy, and he wants to run away with Carol and see the world. AND i want both Carol and Daryl to feel free to be free and live freely.

as for the make up and make out part... (that's saved for 11b, hopefully!)

team family won, most of the reapers are dead, except for Leah. Daryl (with Carol's nod of approval!) decides to spare her, gives her some supplies and tells her to get lost. at the same time, Eugene arrives with the troopers from CommonWealth to help with the whisperer war. WHOOPS. 2 wars, 2 late, bruh! but the group leaves to join the good people at CW.

Carol and Daryl have a very long conversation about everything that happened and what they have been feeling. Daryl telling her exactly why he was so mad at her (she kept leaving, can't commit!), her actions (almost getting herself killed!) since Henry's death and how he needs her in his life. no matter how she sees herself or whether she thinks she's worthy or not, he just wants her to be there next to him for whatever is to come.

plus Carol realizing she needed to get closer and let people in without fear, not give up hope and actually fight for a better future for herself. and finally, admitting to Daryl that it was horrible to think he might've been gone forever, promising to never make him feel the way she felt. basically, a promise to never ever leave him again (cue to making out!)

#caryl #caryl rants #caryl predictions #carol peletier #daryl dixon #dog dixon #s11 spoilery #good lawd this is long af #did i go full td here?#or plausible possibility territory?#wishful thinking #speculation

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dialovers-translations · 4 years ago

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DIABOLIK LOVERS Para-Selene Vol.3 Mukami Kou [Track 4]

Original title: 変わらないもの

Source: Diabolik Lovers Para-Selene Vol. 3 Mukami Kou [CD not owned by me]

Audio: Here

Seiyuu: Kimura Ryouhei

Translator’s note: Rejet really pulled up with the emotional monologue in this one. Even though almost all of the characters have some sort of tragic past/childhood, I personally believe that Kou had it the roughest out of everyone. Not only did he have to go through a lot of shit, but he really did have nobody to rely on at all. Not even the faintest spark of hope. So in that sense, it truly is amazing how he came this far and even found love ultimately.

Track 1 ll Track 2 ll Track 3 ll Track 4 ll Track 5

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Track 4: Things Which Never Change

*Rustle*

“...Nn...Ah! My room...? I moved places again...How?”

He turns his head.

“...! No wonder it felt chilly in here...The window’s left open.”

Kou gets out of bed to step towards the window.

“There’s still a double moon...Not only that, it doesn’t seem like the night is coming to a close despite all the time that has passed. I can’t wait to see the blue skies...If only all of this were just a dream.”

*Rattle*

“Hah...Why did things turn out like this!? ...I didn’t think being forgotten would leave such a strong impact on me. I wonder how you can retrieve one’s memories? What if they... never return at all? Will she continue to reject me forever? ...!! If we have to stay together under such circumstances, it’ll only bring pain and sadness! In that case, maybe I should just...give up instead?”

*TIMESKIP*

*Knock knock*

“...!! Who is it...? Ruki-kun...?”

You enter the room.

“M-neko-chan...? Why are you here...?”

You explain.

“Eh? Were you looking for me, perhaps? But why!? You were terrified of me...”

You point towards his hand.

“My wound on my hand? You were still worried about that?”

You offer to treat his injuries.

“...No need to worry. I told you earlier as well, but I’m a Vampire so my injuries heal quickly. ...Besides, my body’s already covered in scars as is.”

You tilt your head to the side.

“Right...You don’t remember, do you? None of it...Well, it doesn’t matter! It doesn’t matter to you right now, after all~!”

You frown.

“It’s fine, really! I already gave up anyway. You won’t remember no matter what I do, right? If I continue to struggle in vain, it’ll only bring me more pain. You no longer love me. In that case, there’s no reason for us to stay together, is there?”

You simply stand there looking at Kou.

“...Listen, I’m basically giving you permission to run. So why won’t you move?”

You seem worried about him.

“Nah, it’s fine. I no longer care. So come on, hurry.”

You shake your head.

“...!! ...Why!? First you continuously deny me, and now you’re suddenly claiming you can’t leave me be like this!? Are you pitying me, perhaps? ...If not that, then what!?”

You note he seems sad.

“...!! ...But why? How can you...look through my facade and tell I’m sad...even though you don’t have your memories? Even though I already decided I would give up...”

Kou suddenly gets up from the bed.

*Rustle*

“Haah...”

You approach him.

“What are you doing? If you get this close to me, you’ll have your blood sucked again. You wouldn’t want that, right?”

You give him permission.

“...’It’s fine’? ...So why are you suddenly trying to understand me now?”

You mention that the two of you were lovers.

“Exactly. We were lovers. ...Although you seem to have forgotten all about that.”

You ask if that makes him sad.

“Well, of course. Anyone would be sad if their beloved one forgot them, no? ...However, right now, I’m nothing but a stranger to you. So why would you care about my feelings?”

You explain.

“...!! M-neko-chan...Ah...Haha~ You’re such a Saint. You don’t want to see me sad? I’m pretty sure most people wouldn’t want to retrieve their own memories for the sake of someone else. ...But it no longer matters. Even if you don’t remember.”

You tell him you might remember.

“I told you earlier, didn’t I? I’ve given up. There’s no way to guarantee they’ll ever come back after all. ...Besides, this might be a chance to discover a new love for you! In the end, I’m nothing but a Vampire with a horrible descent. Don’t you think you could become much happier if you were to date this really nice guy instead?”

You shake your head.

“Why!? You were terrified earlier after I did all those horrible things to you, no?”

You note that Kou seems sad.

“...Excuse me? How can you tell I’m not a bad guy even though you’re suffering from amnesia...!? You don’t know anything about me! ...I don’t need your comfort, okay?”

You ask him to tell about his upbringing.

“I see. If you insist, I’ll tell you. About how I’ve lived my life up till now. ...You see, I may be a Vampire right now, but I was originally born a human. I don’t any parents, and for as far as I can remember, I was living in a manhole. ...Exactly, it was dirty and stinky, a true hellhole. Obviously, I didn’t have the money to buy any food, so I had to avoid starvation by raiding the trash.

Even if I would get my hands on something nice like a loaf of bread or some money, rather than food, I’d much rather exchange it for something which would make me feel satisfied emotionally. Heh. I lived like that my whole life, so I figured I would continue to do so until my death. However, one day I was found by a couple of soldiers and brought to an orpahange.

Now, this orphanage was quite the experience as well. Honestly, the manhole might have been preferable. I was soon sold as a pretty-faced orphan and received money from aristocrats and politicians. My looks were miles above anyone else’s, so they all loved me! I was toyed with day after day...I even thought of making myself ugly by destroying one of my eyes in a desperate attempt to escape the situation but...It was no use. I never lived a good life, so I guess that part was doomed to stay the same even if I changed environments.

But...I did meet Ruki-kun and the others at the orphanage shortly after. One thing led to another and ultimately I became the person I am today. You understand now, don’t you? What kind of guy I am. I didn’t enjoy a nice upbringing, so I can’t promise I’ll treat you well. ーー And above all, I’m a Vampire. ...If you do remember me, it’ll be a bunch of bad things so you...might just end up ultimately regretting it, don’t you think?”

You sob softly.

“Hm? Wai...Don’t tell me...Hey, lift your face...!”

You slowly look up at him.

“...It’s the same reaction as back then. Even without your memories...You’d still shed tears for me, huh? Those tears...aren’t out of pity, are they?”

You confirm his suspicions.

“...I knew it!”

You clutch onto his sleeve.

*Rustle*

“...What’s wrong all of a sudden?”

You ask why he doesn’t cry.

“Eh? I won’t cry! It’s not like tears would suddenly come out now...I’m fine as long as you cry in my place instead...”

You continue to sob.

“Hehe~ Your eyes are getting red. If you cry too much, they’ll become swollen and you’ll be quite the sight, you know?”

*Rustle*

“I don’t dislike seeing you in tears but...Right now, I’m not a huge fan of it.”

You note that he is crying as well.

“Eh? ...Tears?”

Kou touches his own cheek.

*Rustle*

“Ah...! You’re right. I’m...crying...? ...Ah! Seems like I can’t help but shed tears when I’m with you...I didn’t exactly want to cry or anything...But...I get it now...”

He embraces you.

*Rustle*

“That even without your memories...You are the same person I fell for, aren’t you? ...A miss goody-two-shoes willing to cry for others but...so very kind...”

*Sniffle*

“Mm...! I’ve made up my mind! I’ll stop trying to force your memories to come back!”

You seem surprised.

“It’s fine, even if you don’t ever recall. I still love you regardless after all. ...So let’s just start over again from zero? Together. ...Okay?”

You nod.

“...Mmh~ I look forward to spending more time together, M-neko-chan. (1) ...Say, can I kiss you?”

You give him permission.

“...Thank you.”

*Smooch*

“Mm...I love you.”

*TIMESKIP*

The two of you are walking outside.

“...The morning just won’t come.”

You wonder if he perhaps hates the night.

“No, I don’t particularly dislike the night. ...But I want to see the blue sky, you see.”

You ask Kou if he likes the blue sky.

“Mmh, exactly. I love the clear skies. You’d assume morning would dawn soon but the night just seems to continue on forever, don’t you think? So I find myself thinking I want to watch the blue sky with you...”

You agree.

“Eh? ...Ah, thank you. I’m happy to hear you feel the same way. ...Oh, that rose.”

*Rustle*

“Here, I’ll give this to you. Of course, I thought it would look good on you, so don’t be modest and just accept it~”

You thank him.

“Hehe~ You’re welcome~ Hehe...I finally succeeded at making you smile~! ...Say...I’m sorry for doing all those horrible things to you. ...Being forgotten by the person I love the most in this world just made me so sad, I couldn’t believe it...Ah! But I’ll no longer force you to remember so...Let’s start making memories again together once more.”

You nod.

“...Hehe, thank you~”

*Rustle*

“I love you...Very much so, M-neko-chan...Hey? I won’t hurt so...Let me suck your blood?”

You give him permission.

“Mmh...Nn...”

*Sluuuurp*

“Ah...It’s so sweet and hot...Give me more...Mmh...”

*Sluuuurp*

“Hehe~ Look at you wriggling around...Does it feel good? In that case, I’ll suck you lots, okay? Nn...”

*Sluuuurp*

“Heh~ ...This side’s up next. Mmh...”

*Sluuuurp*

“Mm...”

*Gulp*

“Haah, haah...Even though you made such a fuss earlier, you’ll no longer fight it already?”

You blush bright red.

“Hm? ...What’s wrong? ...Say, why are you going quiet now? Tell me. ...Do you dislike having your blood sucked by me?”

You shake your head.

“Then how do you feel? Say it.”

You grow even more flustered.

“Fufu~ No need to get embarrassed. I’m the only one here after all. ...All you need to say is that it feels ‘good’. Piece of cake, no? ...Come on, say it.”

You whisper.

“Hm~? What was that? You have to speak louder or I can’t hear you.”

You repeat your words, louder this time.

“Hehe~ Good job. As a reward...I’ll make you feel even better. Mmh...”

*Sluuuurp*

“Nn...Ah. ...I want some from this slender arm as well...You don’t mind, do you?”

Kou bites your arm next.

*Sluuuurp*

“ーー Ah. Haah...I’ve gotten dizzy for some reason...But I still haven’t had enough. You feel the same way, don’t you? It’s written all over your face after all. That you want more of my fangs. That expression is incredibly cute. Mmh...”

*Smooch*

“I’ll bite you as many times as you wish, so just entrust everything to me, okay?”

*BZZZZZT*

“Uu...Kuh...Right now...Again...!?”

You become worried.

“Don’t worry...It’s no big deal...Ugh...Then...Let me hold your hand at least...I feel like that’s all I need to push through...”

You grab hold if his hand.

“...Thank you.”

*WOOSH*

ーー TO BE CONTINUED ーー

Translation notes

(1) これからもよろしく or ‘kore kara mo yoroshiku’ is one of those very common Japanese phrases which I always struggle with when I have to translate them to English. In a work-related context, it usually means something like ‘I look forward to continue working with you’ or ‘Thank you for the continued support’. In this case, I think it conveys Kou’s desire to continue spending more time with her as they once again fall in love.

#diabolik lovers #dialovers #kou mukami #diabolik lovers paraselene #diabolik lovers translation #diabolik lovers drama cd #drama cd

79 notes · View notes

sunflowerstache · 4 years ago

Text

Lifespan

A/N: Hello! This is very different from most of my writing, not only because its an OC, but because the storyline is just something out of my comfort zone. But I really hope you enjoy it(: I got the inspiration from a ad I saw on Facebook a long time ago lmao but yeah, come say hi once you’ve read it and tell me what you think! It’s much appreciated! I love you all so very much! Also hugeeeee shoutout to @devil-in-bw-the-sheets for spending like six months reading and re-reading this every single time I rewrote it and changed things and encouraging me each time! And @emotionally-imbruised for beta reading it for me!💛💛

Word Count: 7.3k

“Doll?”

The fog that seemed to have settled over your mind instantly melted away upon hearing the barista’s voice, her sweet drawl grounding your focus back on her. She was an older woman, probably nearing her sixties based on the collection of grey hairs scattered throughout her small ponytail. But still so incredibly full of life. She had red glasses perched atop her nose - which perfectly completed the red polka dots covering her black dress - a beaded chain dangling from the end to the front of the frame, a pair of silver peace sign studs resided in her ears, and the anatomically correct symbol for caffeine dangled in necklace form on her chest.

“What? I’m sorry.”

“Just asked if you wanted the cream on that.” She smiled, thin lines spreading out and away from the sides of her eyes as her mouth widened. Upon glancing down quickly, you took notice of her clearly hand drawn name tag filled with swirling letters - different then when you stopped by earlier in the week when she had used stickers to spell out “Rita”.

“Oh, um yeah sure. Why not.”

“My husband always says that during weather like this, the calories don’t count. That they disappear with your shivering. Can I just have your name, dear?”

“Georgie. And your husband sounds like a very smart man.”

“Oh, he is.” A dreamy look took over Rita’s features, like just thinking about the man made her heart race. “Been together for forty-two years and he still teaches me new things.”

Your heart ached with each word; the fog slowly started to creep back through your mind while you watched her grin fondly. The hope and excitement for the future that was always so very clear in people’s eyes was what made it so hard not to explain everything you knew, every secret you held. However, as much as you wanted to urge everyone to live the life they’ve always wanted, you knew there was a natural balance to life, and opening your mouth would undoubtedly throw that balance off. So instead, you grinned and nodded your head.

“He sounds wonderful.”

“My best friend. Counting down the minutes until the end of my shift. We’re heading up to see our grandbabies for the week.” It was like she knew exactly what kind of secret you were keeping and made sure to hit you where it hurt each time she opened her mouth. As if her being impossibly sweet didn’t hurt enough.

“That sounds nice.” Digging around in your bag for your wallet made it much easier not to focus on the ticking time bomb in front of you. “How much do I owe you?”

“Oh my! I’m sorry, I know I can’t talk forever if no one stops me.” her laugh was soft, inviting, one you would love to listen to while storytelling. “It’s four pounds.”

“You can keep the change.” You said when handing her some cash, but stopped yourself before you turned to walk away. Even if you weren’t ever going to outright explain anything to anyone, slipping in tiny, reassuring comments made you feel at least a little better before parting ways. “Have an amazing night with your family Rita.”

The coffee shop was relatively empty at the hours you stopped by. Other than the same group of men that were there every morning, chatting over the newspaper and a black coffee and a young nurse who was just getting off of her night shift, only customers on their way to work stopped by. But that was just how you preferred it. It was much easier to avoid running into people when the sun had barely just peeked over the morning horizon. You suppose the city isn’t exactly the best place to reside when you’re on a mission not to get close to anyone, but you’d much preferred the hustle and bustle of the city than the silence of the countryside. At least here you were able to escape your thoughts when they got to be too much, out there you were left to drown in the weights you held.

Rita was right when she said the weather would bring shivering. The moment you stepped through the café doors, all sense of warmth you previously had was sucked out of you, leaving the tips of your fingers tingling against the warm cup. You hadn’t ever really gotten to know the woman behind the counter, a few kind greetings every now and again, but she seemed to be someone who brought a lot of joy to those around her. And she always put extra chocolate curls on your drink. You made a mental note to send some flowers to her family within the coming days.

It was a car horn that initially took your attention off of the pavement, turning to look for who was in such a rush at 5:30am, but the hard torso smacking into her shoulder is what brought your attention back. Followed by the searing heat of your hot chocolate spilling down your front.

“Oh fuck!” you yelled, immediately dropping the paper cup and trying to pull your shirt away from your body to decrease the chance of a burn. There goes your chance to get home and drive right to work without any issue.

“Oh my god! Oh shit!” the man that had ran into you gasped, stopping in his tracks and grabbing onto your elbow to steady your wild movements.

Even though his words were quite loud on the empty street, his voice was still husky, almost like he wasn’t awake yet and still had some left over sleep in his throat. And when you turned to look at who had ruined your shirt, your own voice got stuck in your throat. He was tall, which made sense considering your head had bounced right off of his chest. He was wearing black basketball shorts with tall white socks and a light grey hoodie, which was pulled up to cover the dark grey beanie resting on his head. With one hand he was holding a water bottle with ease, while the other was frantically pulling the airpod from his ear. But apart from his sheer stature, you couldn’t ignore how beautiful this man was. How even the worry lines littering his face were perfectly accenting his features. Or how the green of his eyes seemed to sparkle in the dim light of the Whole Foods you had been stopped in front of.

“I’m so sorry! Shit are you okay?” he quickly asked, shaking his head before you could even respond. “Obviously not, that was probably hot. Oh god I’m so sorry!”

Finally getting your bearings back, you couldn’t help but nod. “Yeah it was pretty hot.”

“Shit, I don’t even know how that happened. I must’ve taken my eyes off the pavement for one second. I’m so sorry.”

“So you’ve said.” You chuckled, bending down to pick up your now empty cup at your feet and tossing it in the bin by your side. “Don’t worry about it. Really it’s fine.”

“It’s not, I’ve ruined your shirt.” If the disappointment in his voice wasn’t evident enough, the small pout on his lips definitely was. He looked absolutely distraught at the sight of what he’d done. “Let me at least get you a new drink. It’s the least I could do.”

“Oh, um, that’s alright.” You’d always known it was rude to speak to someone and not give them eye contact, it was something your father had drilled into you as a child, but you just couldn’t bring yourself to do it. Looking someone in the eyes meant seeing above their head, and that was an area you actively tried to avoid looking. But there was something about him that drew you in, and you couldn’t help glancing up at him quickly again. “I actually have to be getting to work. Thanks though.”

“Are you sure? I feel terrible.”

“Positive. Have a good morning.” Your touch was soft on his arm as you made your way past him, leaving the mystery man standing on the pavement staring as you walked towards your flat.

You didn’t mean to be so short with him, but it’s just how you’d grown accustomed to living life. It was the easiest way you found not to get close to many people, which meant less hurt in the end. And you’d been around enough hurt in your short twenty three years. It may be a lonely life, but you were happy with your cat, comically named Lucifer, and living a simple life. Sure, there were times you wished you could live the carefree life everyone around you got to experience, your only issues being stresses of work or relationship drama, but that wasn’t who you were. After living the life you did, there’d be no way you could live a normal life.

“Don’t give me that look, Luci.” you grumbled when walking through your front door, your cat perched on the dining table just watching as you moved through the living room, ripping your destroyed shirt from your body. “This wasn’t my fault.”

You’re sure that you looked like a crazy person if anyone was watching on, talking to your cat while walking around your flat in nothing but a pair of black slacks and a bra. But you didn’t care, because this was your normal. You ranted to her after a long day at work or a particularly draining day, and she always sat and listened. Mostly because she was a cat.

“He just ran right into me, like he literally couldn’t see me. How odd, right?” you stopped briefly while searching your closet for a new shirt. “God Luci, he was cute though. So cute. And tall.”

Just because you secluded yourself in the world didn’t mean you didn’t enjoy taking a peak at what it had to offer. It was the forming relationships that put you off, not because there was a level of uncertainty - nothing was uncertain to you - but because you always knew the timeline of said relationships. It was always the same. So why put yourself through it? But also, why not? What if that was just what you needed to make such a painful existence a little more bearable?

“I didn’t even get his name. Maybe I’ll see him around the cafe sometime.” you hummed, throwing the new peach colored blouse over your head and peeking your face out of the hole. “No. No Georgie, don’t go there. Who are we kidding, it’s not like anything could ever happen anyway.”

Lucifer meows loudly at your comment., making you turn around to glare at her. Obviously she didn’t know what was actually going on, but it was nice to entertain the idea of someone listening to your problems and helping you talk them out. You were a secluded young woman, not crazy.

“What? Like I’m wrong? It’s not something I’d be able to keep from a boyfriend forever. And It’s not like I’d be able to just flat out tell them.”

She meowed again, jumping off the table and prancing her way to your feet, rubbing her side against your ankles.

“What would I even say? Hey, I was born with this thing where I can see a floating clock above everyone’s head that literally counts down to the day you die? Yeah because that won’t get me sent to the looney bin.”

From the start of time, there has always been a beginning and an end to everything. No matter if it was an Oscar award winning film, delicate relationships, or even life itself, it all ended. People come, and they go, but the world continues on; taking care of those who stay to see another day. And on a daily basis, the idea of the end rarely floats through anyone’s mind. Except for you.

For you, it was impossible not to think about when it was quite literally staring you in the face. For as long as you could remember, you walked through life with a different outlook on the end than most other people.It wasn’t because you had some near death experience, but due to a gift. Or at least what some people in the world would consider a gift, because in no way would you call being able to see the exact day someone is going to die, a gift.

It was something that over the years you had grown to ignore, trying not to look too far away from people’s eyes and never thinking too hard about the ticking numbers.They weren’t obnoxious or flashy signs hanging above everyone’s heads - like you had seen some films try and depict - but instead, just a simple, faint, white clock just above the tops of everyone’s head, showing each individual’s lifespan. No matter how many hours you sat down and tried to rationalize why you were able to see this, there was never any answer. No one else in your family carried the burden, and because of that, you never mentioned it to anyone in fear of sounding crazy. But you knew you weren’t crazy, not when you prayed night after night for those numbers to disappear or for someone’s clock to be wrong, only to be let down.

You knew you weren’t crazy when you finally saw your favorite florist Don after he spent some time away, and his clock suddenly read 3 years, 20 days, 6 hours, 42 minutes, and 6 seconds instead of the 27 years you had grown used to seeing on him every day before he left. It didn’t take long for you to find out he was diagnosed with stage 4 lung cancer and treatments had stopped working.

You knew you weren’t crazy when you got to watch Kim’s clock - the very sweet receptionist at your job - begin to slow down the more she adjusted to a healthy lifestyle of eating right and taking care of her body. What was once a ticking time of a measly 21 years adjusted what would be a long and fulfilled 59 years more.

And you knew you weren’t crazy when at only seventeen years old, you watched as your best friend’s clock suddenly dwindled down to zero’s across the board like a slot machine while laying on the bathroom floor of a house party. The drugs in her system being too much for her young body to handle and completely consuming the 72 years she once had left.

You weren’t crazy, you just carried a burden no one should ever have. And because of it, you made sure not to get close to anyone in fear of watching yet another clock strike zero.

So you moved on with your life, forgetting all about the tall man who had spilled your drink and run into your mind, making you think things you hadn’t in so long, and instead, focused solely on getting through your days at work and getting back home. It was an easy routine, one you hadn’t strayed from much since moving to the city six years ago; wake up, feed Luci, get coffee, go to work, go home, shower, watch tv, go to bed. And as happy as you were that life wasn’t so painful these days, boring would be the only word good enough to describe your life.

Until your neighbors moved in.

You were standing in the kitchen, lifting the collar up to your mouth to try and quickly lick the hot sauce off the old, ratty Elton John Tour shirt you were wearing before it left a stain, wearing nothing else but some shorts, a nice pair of cheetah print slippers to cover your chilly toes, and one of the two hundred paper face masks you’d ordered off of Amazon in an attempt to clear your skin, when the loud bang on your front door startled you. Not only did your family not live in town, but your neighbors knew that you weren’t a people person. Ever since you made that very clear to them upon moving in, they hadn’t tried to contact you, so you just assumed whoever it was had gotten the wrong flat number.

But the knocking persisted.

Lucifer’s head had picked up from her lap upon hearing the first knock, now watching as you made our way closer to the front door. “What do I do?” but the only response you received was her head tilting to the right, like she was saying ‘Really? Answer it you idiot.’

You wanted to be angry, you really did, because you were nearly ready to be completely settled in for the night after a terribly long day and you just wanted to watch some bad tv with Luci, but the moment you twisted the door knob and peered into the hallway, any anger you had felt, completely washed away.

“Hey! Sorry, my mates and I-” he abruptly stopped mid sentence once his eyes landed on you, like his train of thought literally face planted into a brick wall. A look of realization flashed across his face quickly, and in a matter of milliseconds, what was once stress turned into a look of excitement. “Hey! It’s you!” he smiled.

“It’s me.” something about him made it very difficult for you not to mirror his smile, but that desire was overpowered by the confusion coursing through your mind.

“I didn’t think I’d ever see you again! I still feel terrible about what happened, are you sure you were alright? You didn’t burn yourself, did you?” The man was incredible at changing his emotions at the drop of a dime, for now his eyes were laced with concern where excitement had just lived. “Or I guess I should say I didn’t burn you, did I?”

He was much more put together this time, the workout attire you had last seen him in was traded in for a pair of light red slacks that looked to be a crushed velvet material paired with a plain white t-shirt and a pair of black vans. He looked like any university boy you’d see walking the streets, but at the same time, like nothing you had ever seen before. Something about him standing in your doorway brought you a sense of calm, like just his presence was enough to wash away the stresses of your day.

“I mean I can’t say that it felt particularly good, but I didn’t get burned, no.”

“Oh good. That’s good.” he nodded, and you made the mistake of following his hand with your eyes as he lifted it up to his curls to fix the glasses perched on his head. You didn’t want to know, didn’t want to see what kind of fate the universe had in store for him because the peace he had brought to you in the few moments he’d been standing there felt better than anything had in the past few years. But you were never that lucky.

Your eyes quickly casted back down, looking back at the white of his shirt while you cleared your throat. “Did you need something….” you dragged out the end of the word to indicate that you didn’t know what to call him since he hadn’t bothered to mention his name.

“Oh, right. ‘M Harry.”

“Georgie.

“Hello Georgie.” if possible, the grin on his face doubled in size, causing two dimples to appear at the corners and the air in your chest to feel as though it was tightening.

The two of you stood in your doorway without saying anything for another moment before you spoke up; “So did you need something or…”

“Fuck, yeah.” his voice was breathy when he responded, standing up straighter, “My mates and I just saw you come home and we’re in desperate need of a needle and thread. You’ve got one?”

It only took a second for him to realize his words and that surprised look from when you first opened the door was back. His eyes widened and his hands raised in front of him as a way to stop you before you could respond.

“Not in a creepy way! We weren’t like watching you or summat, swear! My mates Niall and Louis just moved in across the hall.” using his thumb he pointed to the open door across the hall where you could see two other guys watching yours and Harry’s interaction. Upon realizing they were spotted, they raised their hands in a small wave. “We heard you come in. Not that we were actively listening! Just - ‘m sorry. I swear we aren’t creeps.”

“Good. Thought I’d have to sic my monster of a dog on you.” you replied, turning to dig through the small table in what could barely be considered an entryway. The table had started out as a place to keep your keys and mail, but like most did, quickly turned into a junk drawer. An abyss to put any and everything only to never see it again.

Harry’s eyes frantically looked behind you like some crazy monster was about to lunge at him for bothering you at night, even going as far as taking a small step back when the door opened a bit wider while you were looking for the tool. You laughed when glancing up quickly at the movement. It was obvious he was panicking at the new information of potentially getting mauled by a massive dog while simply asking for thread. So you put him out of his misery.

“There’s no dog. I’m just joking…”

As if on cue, Lucifer waltzed up to see what was going on at the front door, her small body weaving between your legs to get a nice scratch while checking out the never before seen man. “Oh! A cat! I love cats!”

“Yeah she’s pretty great.” you nodded, closing the drawer and holding your hand out to Harry. “Here you go. Um, not sure what colour you need so you can just take the whole bag.”

“You’re a lifesaver, thank you! Niall has a date in ten minutes and he’s split his only good pair of trousers.” he turned his head to look over his shoulder at the boys inside the other flat, trying to seem like they weren’t listening to the conversation, but very obviously doing just that. “Have to sew him in like ‘m some sort of tailor.” he chuckled, turning back to face you.

“Sounds like an exciting night.”

“Oh riveting. I would ask if you’d like to join but you look very busy-” the corners of his lips were trying hard not to curl upwards with the light sarcasm, wobbling a bit as he continued speaking, “-so I wouldn’t want to interrupt anymore than I already have. I’m sure I’ll see you again, I practically live with these two idiots.”

“‘M sure I will.” Luci hadn’t left your side since joining you at the door, instead, she began meowing quite loudly, so you bent down to scoop her into your arms.

You liked Harry, not only because he was a very obviously a good looking man, but because he seemed to pick up on your social cues fairly quickly. He didn’t linger and try to get as much out of you as possible or make the fact that you clearly didn’t have much interest in talking uncomfortable. And it was the first time in a long time that you felt content being around someone. Not fearing what the future brought.

Harry halted his movements halfway between flats and spun back around quickly. He didn’t say anything at first, just watched you press kisses to Lucifer’s head while standing in the doorway. Something you gathered from the very brief times you’d shared an encounter was that Harry was not very good at hiding his emotions. It was almost like he had no control of his mouth, because you could see him try to stop the smile from spreading, but it was no use. The dimples popped out in full force.

“I still owe you for that coffee.”

“Oh, um not a coffee.” you tried not to be loud enough for him to hear, noting that the fact that it wasn’t a coffee was not really that important, but he heard you anyway.

“Pardon?”

“Just um, it wasn’t a coffee. More of a hot chocolate drinker actually.”

He didn’t respond right away, instead just continued watching you with fond eyes and a now very prominent smile. You felt as though he could sense how out of touch with relationships you had begun to get over the years. What other explanation could he have for being so soft with someone he had just met and barely even known

“Right, well keep your schedule open so I can take you out for that replacement cocoa.”

Your door swiftly closed the second he turned back around, not leaving any extra seconds for him to turn around and look at you again. And the second she heard the click of the lock, Luci leaped out of your arms and made her way over to the sofa, meowing her entire journey.

“Yes that was him.” another meow. “I told you he was cute, and I also told you nothing would be happening there.”

Harry wasn’t lying when he said you’d be seeing him again. It seemed as though every day when you got back to your flat, he was there. Sometimes on his way out, other times just standing outside the door waiting for the other boys. And despite how at peace being around Harry had made you feel that day he came knocking at your door, you never put in much more effort than a “hello” here and there. He and the others had tried quite a few times to get you to join them on their night out, but each time you came up with a different excuse. Even if they were comforting, what was the point in forming that friendship when you knew you’d just isolate yourself again eventually. You had made it this long without getting too close to anyone else, and you weren’t going to start just because two attractive lads moved in across the hall who happened to have a very fit, very inviting, friend.

It wasn’t until nearly a month later that you actually had a full conversation with Harry again.

Typically you tried not to go to the coffee shop by your flat any later than lunchtime because it just got too busy. There were too many people for you to fully avoid them all and seeing too many clocks dampened your mood significantly. But you had already had a shitty morning and needed something to give you a boost.

The place had felt very melancholy since Rita’s unfortunate passing last month, she’d passed peacefully in her sleep while spending time with her family. You’d sent the family flowers as remembered, and also made sure to drop a few bills in the jar on the counter each time you’d been in the shop. Other employees were setting up a fund for Rita’s family since she was such a loved member of the community just with the joy she brought from behind the counter.

“Just a large hot chocolate for me, please.”

“For here or take away?”

“Take away please.”

“Actually she’ll have that for here, please.” a familiar voice behind you spoke up as you were digging through your bag for your wallet. You could see him out of the corner of your eye move from his spot behind you, to gradually standing next to you, looking directly at the barista behind the counter.

“Um..” you felt bad for the young kid, he couldn’t be any older than eighteen and all he wanted to do was get to work and get out. But here you were making his day more stressful than it needed to be. “So… for here then?”

“Harry I -”

“Come on Georgie. Please.” never in your life had you seen a grown man bat his eyelashes, but here he was, trying to lure you in with his breathtaking green eyes.

“Fine.” your voice came out soft and you rolled your eyes, but on the inside you felt giddy, like what you remember life to feel like before you started isolating yourself. “Um, sorry. I’ll have it for here I suppose.”

“Do you want the cream?”

“Sure. Thank you.”

“Anything else?”

“Yes, I’ll have a -” Harry’s profile was something you could get lost in. How the tip of his nose seemed to bounce with every word he said, how it looked as if his lips were made to form the words falling from between them, or how no matter how many times he tried to get it to stay back, one of his curls would continue to break loose from the rest and fall past his forehead. From what little you’ve seen of it, Harry had a great sense of fashion. Comfortable. A brown teddy bear jumper was covering his upper body, sleeves long enough to gather just past his hands and torso short enough that you could see his white shirt peeking out from underneath, ripped black jeans, a pair of black chelsea boots, and those same tortoise shell glasses perched on his nose completed his look.

“Ready?”

“Huh?”

“You ready? ‘ve got a table back by the door.”

The two of you made your move to walk back towards the front of the shop, but you halted in your tracks when you saw that yes, he in fact did have a table waiting for him, but it was also being inhabited by the two boys you had seen behind him when he came to ask for thread. Neal and Liam? And a girl was sitting between the two as they chatted amongst themselves.

“Harry I don’t -”

“Come on, I promise we don’t bite.” Apparently you still didn’t look convinced because he leaned down to be at your eye level and stuck his lip out in a pout. “One drink. Please? I owe you remember?”

“Yes and you’ve already bought me a new one, thank you by the way, so you don’t owe me anything else.”

“I know.” the apples of his cheeks began getting pinker the longer he stared at you, “But I’d very much like to spend some time with you.”

Just like he did when he knocked on your door, his eyes widened and immediately seemed to want to backtrack what he had said. “Wait no, not in that way. In like a ‘hey I think you’re cute -’ no fuck that’s not -”

“Harry.”

“Yes?”

“One drink.”

The relief was instant on his features, his shoulders sagging and eyebrows un-furrowing at your words. “Good. Afraid my mates were going to start thinking I made you up.”

“I live across the hall, they’ve seen me.”

“Well yeah, but I talk about you so much they thi- I - fuck.”

You couldn’t help the laugh that fell from between your lips. You may not have had many friendships or relationships of any kind, but you did know excessive rattling wasn't generally how people spoke to one another. “You babble a lot.”

“Only when ‘m nervous.”

“Why are you nervous?”

Harry wasted no time in his response, taking a quick glance over to you. “Because I finally get to spend time with the pretty girl across the hall.”

The heat rushing to your cheeks had become something of a common occurrence when speaking with Harry. It wasn’t obvious if he knew what he was doing or not, but you couldn’t imagine someone like Harry not knowing how to flirt. Thankfully, however, someone from the table spoke up before you could dwell on his comment longer than necessary.

“Finally!” the man sitting at the end of the booth spoke. He was dressed very similar to Harry in color - a tan quilted shirt was hidden beneath a cream colored teddy bear jacket, and pleated brown trousers. The light facial hair stubbled along his cheeks made him look slightly older than Harry, but his complete baby face counteracted that.

Harry looked at you briefly, raising his eyebrows with a ‘what did I tell you?’ kind of look as he bent down to slide into the booth next to the other man. His style was much different than the other two, more streetwear. He was wearing black trackies and an old gray band tee under a denim jacket, baseball hat and the very apparent smell of cigarettes finishing off the outfit. Another difference with him was that he had a girl with him. What you assumed to be his girlfriend by the way her head was resting on his shoulder and his hand fell on her knee. She was beautiful, long brown hair fell loose around her shoulders, only kept back by the fragile looking sunnies that rested at the top of her head. She was wearing a simple white top and a pair of white,black, and brown plaid trousers, both of which were overshadowed by the beautiful black Balenciaga jacket hanging off of her shoulders.

“Was starting to think you’d been lying about actually knowing her, Haz.” the one closest to Harry spoke, earning a light slap to his chest from the girl on his shoulder.

Harry disregarded all of their antics and turned to pat the seat next to him, indicating he wanted you to sit down, and he gave you a reassuring nod when you nibbled your lower lip between your teeth.

It was subtle acts like Harry letting you sit on the outside of the booth so you could make a quick getaway if needed that reminded you how easily he seemed to pick up on your social cues - even if you didn’t realize you did them. It made your chest tickle that even just from the two substantial conversations you’d had with him, Harry picked up on things you did.

“Piss off.” Harry chuckled, reminding you a lot of friendships you’d seen on tv where they all take the piss but it was easy to see that they all cared for one another. It was something you’d always been envious of while watching the world from the sidelines. “Georgie, this is Niall, Louis, and Louis’ girlfriend Eleanor. Everyone, this is Georgie.”

You were met with a chorus of hellos and you would’ve loved to just jump right into their conversation about the best places to get guacamole, just so that they knew you weren’t intentionally being rude to them. But not only were you not good at this conversation thing, but you also were still on edge about forming any sort of connection with these people. Apparently you should get used to Harry and his all knowing mind, because before you could excuse yourself from the awkwardness, he spoke up.

“So, how long have you lived in the building?”

Unprepared for the question, you froze for a second. “Oh, um going on six years now.”

“Impossible! What are you, like twenty? No way you’ve lived there that long!” Eleanor asked, her head no longer on Louis’ shoulder, instead she was sitting upright and looking directly at you. Of course, over the span of the years, you had gotten quite good at looking at people without really paying any attention to what was only visible to you above their heads, but it still made you uneasy. The best solution was just not to look at them at all. But these people, people who had no idea who you were a mere ten minutes ago yet were now welcoming you into their lives, made you want to work on avoiding the numbers. Because this was the most alive you’d felt in years.

“‘M twenty three. Be twenty four next Friday.”

“No shit! Alright well I’m coming over so you can teach me your skincare routine because you look flawless.” she gleamed, leaning forward on the table to jot down her phone number on one of the many spare napkins littering the tabletop.

“As much as I love a good skincare routine, let’s not skip over the more important part of that sentence. Your birthday is next week?” Harry asked, gently shoving his shoulder against yours and offering a kind smile when you glanced up at him.

“Oh, it’s not a big deal. I haven’t really celebrated my birthday since I turned like eleven.” your parents used to throw you a party every year while growing up, a lavish over the top kind of party where all of your classmates were invited and family you had never even heard of pinched your cheeks. But as time went on and you didn’t give up your ‘ridiculous fantasy’ as your mother so kindly put it, they began to stop throwing the party. Now, you were lucky if they sent you a card on the day. Plus, celebrating your birthday alone is kind of a downer.

“You haven’t celebrated your birthday in over a decade?” Niall’s mouth hung open like that was the craziest thing he’d ever heard.

“Nope.”

“Well that just won’t do.” you may not know very much about the people seated around you, but the smirk on Louis’ face told you everything you needed to know. “We’re having a party.”

“Um, thank you. Really. But parties aren’t really my thing. Plus I’m working that day so…”

“Oh, where do you work?” Harry asked, thoroughly interested in where you spend most of your days.

“Good Samaritan.”

“The nursing home down on Adams?”

“That’s the one. I’m a caregiver.” when you first applied for the position, you thought you were crazy. For someone who doesn’t want to get close to anyone in fear of their untimely demise, you definitely went for a job exactly the opposite. But that was the appeal to you. Sure, it was terribly sad to see one of your patients pass, but in the time leading up to it, you knew exactly who needed a little extra love. It was nice to be able to remind their loved ones to visit while making routine phone calls, and to do things to make them smile in what only you knew were their last days. It was the only time you thought what you were born with was some kind of gift. The tiniest most unwelcomed gift.

“That’s wonderful.” Harry’s voice was gently next to you, like he was hanging on to every short word that you said.

“Well, we’ll just have a party once you’re done with work.” Louis shrugged, but held his hands up when you opened your mouth to remind him you didn’t want anything. “Not a party, a friendly get together with friendly neighbors and alcohol.”

That day in the cafe was the beginning to a new start for you.

Obviously Lucifer had to hear about everything that happened that afternoon, but she was there to experience it first hand when Eleanor came knocking on your door the following day. She got to watch as you bent over in genuine laughter at your shared banter. She watched from the kitchen counter as Harry came by with food one night, saying he just happened to order extra lo mein and heard you come home. And as the two of you sat in the living room watching Big Brother, talking about everything from your favorite color to why he majored in physical therapy in university. Luci got to watch you break out of the shell you’d worked so hard on forming around you, and even though you knew she couldn’t understand what was happening, you liked to think her frequent meows were those of encouragement.

“HAPPY BIRTHDAY!” The yells came from all corners of the room when you walked into Louis’s flat the following Friday, making your eyes widen and shoulders straighten. As much progress as you’d been making in your life, with branching out and slowly losing your fear of connection, it would take more than a week to crack down those barriers you’d built so high for so long.

“Thank you.” you laughed, putting down the bottle of wine you’d brought just in time for everyone to start surrounding you in hugs.

“Happy Birthday, love.” Harry’s voice was soothing in your ear, like a sense of relief in the overstimulation the other three had given you. You didn’t regret their company like you would have only a month ago, instead you welcomed the foriegn feelings. But it was still nice to have a moment of calm to fully process everything.

“Thank you Harry.”

“I hope it’s not too much. I told them to cool it on the balloons and confetti - especially since we all know I’ll be the one to pick it up in the morning.” he laughed, offering you a glass of wine that everyone else seemed to already be enjoying.

“No, no, it’s great. A nice segway from doing nothing every year.”

“Still can’t believe you haven’t celebrated your birthday in so long! That’s a day that should be celebrated by everyone!”that same look you’d grown to quite enjoy flashed over his features, his momentary distress as he realized he said something he wasn’t planning on sharing. But the look disappeared when he saw your knowing smile. “Don’t start.”

As promised, there was no party, per say. Everyone was just scattered around Louis’ living room telling stories about absolutely nothing that had everyone in stitches. It was the kind of party you’d always been envious of, one where mates could hang out and lose themselves in the company of each other. It was the first time you didn’t have a single thought about impending doom for more than an hour, a feit you would be sure not to forget.

Niall was laid out on the floor under the windows, a half empty bottle of rum in his hand and the other rested on his stomach, occasionally itching an invisible nuisance. Louis was seated in the arm chair directly across from Niall, a very buzzed Eleanor draped across his lap and the more the night went on, the less chances you had of seeing their faces separated. And Harry was seated next to you on the sofa, his arm hung on the back of the cushion in such a way that everyone so often you would feel the very tips of his fingers skim the exposed skin on your shoulder.

You wished you could freeze this moment in time, because a photograph or video would never do it justice. It was almost as if you were watching the night play out in front of you like a movie, not really in your body but watching from afar. Watching as the girl who hid herself from the world began to hatch, slowly cracking the hard exterior surrounding her. And you would do anything to bottle the feeling of pride that swelled in your chest knowing you had achieved that.

“Literally right in the face mate. No joke.” Niall cackled, his laugh a contrast in that moment; escaping his mouth loudly but carrying throughout the room softly. Taking off like a leaf blowing through the fall breeze.

“Georgie.” your name slipped from between Harry’s lips beautifully, like he was created for the sole purpose of saying your name over and over again; forever. “Alright?”

And sitting in the living room of Louis’ flat, listening to your friends’ wine induced giggles, looking at the most captivating pair of green eyes and curly hair that only whatever magical being that was above could’ve created, you were alright. You were so alright that the minuscule ticks of the clocks of your new and only friends, ticks you tried so hard to avoid paying attention to, almost seemed to disappear completely. Almost.

71 years, 2 months, 10 days, 3 hours, 16 minutes, 55 seconds. 68 years, 11 months, 3 days, 19 hours, 43 minutes, 2 seconds. 68 years, 7 months, 21 days, 1 hour, 58 minutes, 33 seconds. 62 years, 8 months, 9 days, 11 hours, 12 minutes, 2 seconds. 2 years, 1 month, 30 days, 23 hours, 34 minutes, 56 seconds.

#harry styles imagine #harry styles blurb #harry styles one shot #harry styles fanfiction #harry styles fluff #harry styles angst #harry styles x reader #harry styles x oc #harry styles x you

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iamnightduchess · 4 years ago

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Hi Queen ❤

I love your headcanons so much and I don’t know if you’ve ever done one of these, but I’d really like to imagine what it would be like if Mikasa and Reiner fell in love after the end of the manga, what this discovery would be like and how they would deal with this!

(Forgive me for my lousy english hahaha)

Hello dear, thank you for the Ask! 💖 It really helps me to envision a more ideal post-ending universe because the potential ending right now does not look promising that both of them will somehow survive (together) because I am foreseeing one of them voluntarily dies to save another person. I hope i'm wrong! 😢 I've only done a tiny snippet of ReiKasa in this Post-Rumbling HC AU. But, here's what I envision how it could possibly be IF they survive & they happen:

Reiner x Mikasa (ReiKasa) Post-Rumbling AU (Gen) Headcanon #16

Before we delve into Post-Rumbling period, it's interesting to observe the tiny moments where the seeds of trust and possibly, love between these two former enemies turned allies might have possibly begun sprouting.

The Rumbling

We've seen the way Reiner had implied on the plane in ch.133, how Eren might want to be stopped by someone. Reiner was using himself as a pretext; an example. If HE was the one with the FT & somehow finding himself unable to control it, he'd want to be stopped by someone he knows is capable of doing so (someone more powerful & stronger than he is) When he said that sentence, he was gazing at Mikasa.

There are 2 implications here, i) He is indirectly admitting in front of everyone that Mikasa is his weakness, like a failsafe. The one he knows who can take him down if he's the one with this enormous power & he's losing control, ii) Because to him, ever since they were younger, Eren is her family & a sensitive subject to her. Him voicing out his opinion and indirectly hinting that Eren is beyond the path of no return will hurt Mikasa's feelings & emotional state.

During the Paths Intermission, the moment Eren basically told the alliance to go fuck themselves, that he will keep moving forward for his freedom, while the alliance members are free to fight him if that is what they want; Reiner was horrified to know that Eren basically confirmed his deduction & how much pain and devastation Mikasa would be in upon receiving the awful truth from Eren himself. Even after pleading to Eren to let her share the burden of his sins, which as direct as it could have been to "I don't want to be so far from you. I want to be with you through both light & darkness inside of you. Please come back to us." Mikasa still believed that the previous Eren that she knew is still there somewhere, which is no longer the case.

The shock-induced tears in Mikasa's eyes - seeing her in pain, hurts Reiner too. He'd knew how heartbroken she would be.

In Ch.135, when everyone was on the verge of dying as they're losing the battle with the raised forms of past titan shifters, Mikasa reached her breaking point & Reiner felt helpless, because he was at his last limit & Mikasa was planning to make herself the primary target just to buy the rest a little bit more time.

There's this woman who's fighting towards an expected death in front of him - any man would be an idiot for not seeing how foolish yet selfless and brave this last female warrior of Paradis was. She's always been a fearless woman who has their backs and protects their fronts. He has never stopped respecting this woman. This might have been the starting point for that seed to have sprouted inside Reiner.

If Annie's timely rescue never came and they truly met their end there, the only regret Reiner has was he couldn't do anything else but watch this woman's final moments without being able to do anything to support her before his own ensuing end.

When Levi, Jean and Connie all collectively & firmly agrees that killing Eren is the only thing that stands between the world's survival, Reiner was silent the whole time. He believed he has no right to say anything, but he saw the vulnerable look on her face the moment Jean reiterated their ultimatum: "We need to kill Eren."

Reiner did what he does best: he took charge. When Reiner told her, "You go help Armin." He was indirectly telling her, "You do what you can. I will shoulder your burden with Jean. Let me be the strength for you to do what needs to be done." This was Reiner's way of telling her, he will carry her burden for her and shelter her from an unbearable pain. Just like how she told Eren much earlier in Paths. Reiner's indirectly telling Mikasa that she's important to him too.

This was the moment that the seed had sprouted within her heart. She realized that Reiner's communicating to her in the way only she would understand. How much she feels for Eren, Reiner feels for her in the same way because you can't give a reason why you care for or love someone. You just do. It just happened without signs. Annie, however, was able to catch that short but impactful interchange between them.

Post-Rumbling

They barely survive the last stand against Eren's final form but they did with Ymir's divine intervention in Humanity's New Dawn.

Reiner sustains extremely heavy injuries on his physical body. Mikasa is emotionally & psychologically affected by Eren's true death.

The remaining humanity struggles to rebuild from the ashes of destruction. It was beyond devastation. The world is almost completely annihilated but hope is a powerful energy. Hope persists.

Reiner sees her grieving - like a pair of wheels suspended in motion - trapped while the rest of the world moves around her. She refuses to eat, she barely sleeps but when she does, she would toss and turn around restlessly. Annie tells him in passing that when Mikasa sleeps, her body contorts and freezes simultaneously like she's in a lot of pain.

Seeing her drifting through the days like a soulless vessel pains him a lot. No one could humanly survived what she had to go through without serious ramifications towards her emotional and psychological state. Mikasa becomes withdrawn and sullen.

Yet, he retains his distance like he always does & watch silently from the sides as Annie, Armin & Jean tried to reach out to her to no avail. Reiner himself is haunted by his failed attempt to hold the Founder's original form down that, in a way, had forced Mikasa to do what needs to be done. He feels responsible that he couldn't prevent her from having to go through those painful yet pivotal moments of securing humanity's survival. The day the alliance managed to save the world, well, the world that she built for Eren inside her heart was destroyed in return.

One day, she mysteriously disappears without trace. A panicking Armin searches on his own but Annie tells Reiner that Mikasa's missing, nowhere to be found. Reiner and Armin later found her at the crater where Eren's last resting place had been. The exact same location where she had to slay him with her own two blades.

Mikasa says that she just feels lost and empty. Like there's a huge dark void inside her body that she can't escape from. She just sits there amongst the dust and debris, staring blankly at a makeshift, unmarked grave. She confides that she's terrified of falling asleep because she sees Eren's face in her nightmares.

Armin wants to console her but Annie holds him back as she notices Reiner already making his way forward and settles himself next to her. Armin understands what Annie was trying to do.

Reiner only tells Mikasa, "You don't have to do this alone...Lean on us." He offers his hand, despite knowing she wouldn't even touch him. "When you feel that you can no longer breathe, I'll breathe for you. If you feel like you're drifting, I will hold you."

It takes her a while but she accepts his hand and he holds it tight in his. Reassuring her that he is here to stay for as long as she needs him to be.

Little either of them know that it would possibly be forever.

It is Annie who helps to bridge these two together with Armin's help.

Ever since the day they talked, Mikasa slowly finds herself regaining an ounce of strength. Reiner talks a lot to her and offers his silent company as they go for walks together so she does not feel alone.

Reiner makes sure that he'll check in with Mikasa from time to time when he's not supporting the remaining forces with rebuilding, too frequent not to be noticed by everyone close to them in the survivor's settlement. However, none of them questions him about it. It is an understood, unspoken notion that Reiner cares a lot about Mikasa, and her for him eventhough she's being subtle about it. Armin could see Mikasa's eyes lit up whenever Reiner is nearby.

Mikasa shares a living space with Annie and Pieck. When her night terrors get too much that Mikasa thrashes around, screaming in pain despite being in a deep sleep, the two former shifters know that they couldn't possibly restrain the Ackerman girl physically on their own. They called for Armin, Jean and Reiner for help. When Armin and Jean hesitate to hold her down, it is Reiner who holds her tight even when Mikasa's unconsciously trying to struggle against him. They could see Reiner's face holding back his own physical pain from fighting against the immense resistance coming from her. But he'd never released his hold until she eventually wakes up and calms down. He stayed with her until the break of dawn.

After that night, however, Reiner seems to be pulling himself away from Mikasa as he couldn't get over his guilt and his helplessnesss as he also didn't want Mikasa to think that he's trying to take advantage of her vulnerability. The problem is, when he avoids Mikasa, she reverts back to the darkness she's slowly overcoming with Reiner's help and he's becoming miserable himself.

This frustrates Armin, Annie, Jean, Levi and even Pieck because it was fairly obvious to everyone but the two people in question that both Reiner and Mikasa are self-sabotaging and self-punishing themselves from pursuing something more than friendship despite their beating hearts calling out for each other.

Mikasa feels she's betraying her memories of Eren and she's afraid of moving on lest she would forget about him. Reiner feels he has no right to offer Mikasa anything more than friendship because she deserves someone better than him.

Mother's Intuition

Reiner's mother, Karina, finds herself naturally drawn to this young woman who seems to have her son's attention, even when he's trying very hard not to be obvious about it. She catches Reiner staring (longingly, she dare say) at the female warrior of Paradis from afar.

Apart from Mr. Leonhardt's daughter, she too, helps to bring her son and Mikasa closer. Karina has witnessed this woman's bravery and have heard from both Gabi and Reiner of her selflessness when she had saved both her son and her niece's lives. Through Reiner's story, Karina sympathizes with the pain this young woman is going through.

Reiner tells her that he feels helpless that he isn't able to help Mikasa and that she hasn't been eating well. Therefore, Karina brings her homemade meal and visits the young woman, wanting to get to know her better. Mikasa doesn't want to be impolite and relents to having the sudden company.

However, the moment Karina holds her hands to offer her comfort, Mikasa breaks down. She had lost 3 mothers/maternal figures in her life: her own, Carla & Hange. For some odd reason, she feels grateful to have an opportunity to be held by a mother again, even if it wasn't her own.

Karina finds herself growing fond of this young woman and deep inside believes that Mikasa and her son are meant for each other.

It is Karina who advises Reiner to fight for his own happiness and her mother's intuition tells her that his feelings isn't as one-sided as he thinks. Karina urges her son to tell Mikasa how he really feels and after all the years of fighting wars for Marley, Reiner needs to fight one last war: the one within his own heart and to win the heart of the one woman who had conquered his.

However, the relief entourage that arrives from Hizuru, led by Kiyomi Azumabito prevents him from telling Mikasa how he truly feels. He knows that she is destined to become the new empress of Hizuru and that her future would be brighter without him being in her way.

Mikasa tells him of her decision to ascend the imperial throne and Reiner feigns happiness for her decision, reassuring her that she will make a great empress and that she would have a better future there. Mikasa takes Reiner's words as him indirectly telling her to move on with her life without him in it.

Reluctantly, Mikasa leaves for Hizuru. Karina is upset that her son is still sacrificing himself & his own feelings even after being relieved of his Titan powers and its curse.

Karina tells him, "You've lived your life for me and for our family, Reiner. Now it's time for you to live for yourself."

Reiner thinks he's lost the only chance he still has left as Mikasa is already en route to the East Sea country. It is Armin who tells him that the Azumabito's ship is still docked at the nearest harbor because Armin has suspicions that Reiner will change his mind.

When Reiner, Armin, Jean and Annie reach the harbor, the sun is almost setting and Reiner finally revives his dwindling courage to tell her how he truly feels about her and he would like to remain by her side if she'd allow it.

Kiyomi forewarns Reiner that if he is serious about her kin, then he would have to sacrifice his newly-found freedom from being a soldier and titan shifter to become prince consort to their new imperial monarch.

Reiner only says, "I am as good as dead without Mikasa and my freedom means nothing if I'm spending the rest of my life without her."

In the sunset of the New World built from ashes, the two young loves finally seize the courage to pledge their hearts to one another with a kiss; the first of the many in their life together, which is only beginning.

*Continues in Pt. II

------------

Thank you once again for the beautiful Ask! I truly enjoyed working on this ❤ Also, please don't ever feel that you need to apologize to another ESL speaker/writer for the language. We're always learning 💖 Take care! xoxo

#ReiKasa #ReiKasa asks #ReiKasa headcanons #ReiKasa reimagines #ReiKasaverse #ReiKasa canonverse au #reiner x mikasa #reiner braun #mikasa ackerman #snk headcanons #snk reimagines #aot headcanons #post rumbling au #post-rumbling AU

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slasherscream · 5 years ago

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A/N: shout-out to that one anon on bloodybrahms’ blog forever ago where they were like ginger fitzgerald x jennifer check x jd x reader. their mind?? i haven’t known peace since seeing the concept.

coincidentally, you as well, will never know a moment of peace again.

your relationship is overflowing with chaos. you can’t let your guard down for even a second because that’s the exact moment one of your partners will choose to strike and do some absolute bullshit™. it is imperative that you never take your eyes off them or leave any of them on their own.

if you cannot stay with them at all times at least take care to make sure you never leave all three of them alone together. nothing good has ever come from you doing this.

you act as the impulse control for all three of your partners. they straight up don’t know how to act without you around.

let’s talk about the chaotic dynamics and features of this relationship, shall we-

○ ginger and jennifer ....where to start. they dislike each other so much, both on the fundamental levels of their personalities and also as supernatural entities. werewolves and demons aren’t like…. natural enemies or anything but they can be Genuine Threats™ to one another so their hackles are always a little raised around each other.

○ that aside, jennifer is the exact type of girl ginger hated in high-school. she took one glance at jennifer and said "what a fucking vapid wanna-be barbie looking slut" and she hasn't changed her mind since.

○ meanwhile, jennifer thinks ginger is just.... beneath her. she wouldn't have hated a girl like ginger back in high-school because she never would've fucking noticed her. once she is forced to acknowledge ginger as a sentient, living being due to your poly relationship she's just.... aggravated by her. if jennifer had to put into words what she doesn't like about the other girl it would be how fucking judgmental she is. absolutely rich coming from jennifer of all people but she's serious! you're gonna sit here.... and hate her.... because she's popular and sexy?? are you fucking twelve?? you mangy, pathetic, edgy, "i only listen to evanescence" ass bitch (and she means the bitch part literally.)

at best their relationship could MAYBE wind up like that exchange from jumanji: welcome to the jungle:

Professor Shelly Oberon : Seriously, I can't even open my mouth around you. You don't even know me, but you, like, decided you hate me.

Ruby Roundhouse : Look, I just think you live in, like, the "hot popular girl" bubble, you know, where everybody either treats you like a princess or like an object. Maybe it makes you a little self-absorbed or something?

Professor Shelly Oberon : That's fair. But do you think that maybe the reason why you are so judgy is because you are like afraid that people are not gonna like you, so you've decided not to like them first? I'm just saying, you're a babe, go with it.

but realistically they will never have a conversation this open and honest. they'll stick to bickering and being catty, thank you very much. occasionally they are so catty that they start literally fighting and yes, your house will get destroyed every time some shit pops off between them. please have everything insured.

○ funnily enough they both like/love jd!! off the bat they both find him incredibly attractive. jennifer saw him and said "yummy.com, much?" ginger did not say anything but watched him like a hungry....well, wolf. honestly though looks weren't enough to keep either of them interested in someone when they were plain human and un-traumatized let alone now. in fact, considering that jennifer is a succubus her finding jd hot only put him in danger adjkl.

○ lucky for him he was surprisingly resistant to her physical charm/succubus powers/allure when she first approached him, planning to make him her next meal. while she totally took his disinterest as a challenge because uhm?? are you fucking blind?? i'm a fucking buffet?? all i serve is looks?? it also made her respect him quite a bit. jennifer takes very few people seriously. her respecting someone so soon after meeting them is actually a way bigger deal than her liking them.

○ jd takes some time to warm up to jennifer but not as much as you'd think? while he might roll his eyes at her popular, mean girl shtick he's very observant and sees that there's more to jennifer than meets the eye.

○ the fact that he doesn't immediately hop into her bed just because she sticks her chest out gives him enough time to see beneath her surface and surprises her enough that she let's him. there are plenty of things he likes about her. he admires the way she can just...bend the world to her will. when she wants something she gets it, no matter what. he loves that?? she's very dynamic and bold. excitement either follows her or she chases after it. and unlike a lot of charismatic or popular people jennifer lacks the one trait jd absolutely can't stand being fake. jennifer doesn't hide the fact that she's a stone cold bitch. she always says exactly what she means or what's on her mind. overall jennifer is an addicting personality to have around and even jd falls for her charm eventually.

○ jennifer won't say it but realizing jd actually cares about her and likes her as a person is what makes her fall, you know because she's a fucking narcissist... just kidding. it catches her off guard for someone to fall for her because of who she is and not what she looks like. it makes her vulnerable for just long enough that she sees all the things that are good about jd and BOOM, she's in love. now she's got two mates and one annoying hang around whom she also has sex with because she's not hideous (her mate, ginger is also her mate, she just likes ginger less than she likes the two of you.)

○ ginger loves jd's intensity. they're pretty much ' same hat! ' relationship wise.

ginger: men are fucking worthless jd: *walks around fucking unhinged* ginger: ....one man allowed

○ she genuinely loves his personality and he genuinely loves hers right on back. they're kind of just...mirrors of each other in a lot of ways but there's just enough difference between them that they don't piss each other off. other than their tempers they get along really well because they think the same way?? have the same ideas?? want to do the same things?? kill the same people?? you know bonding shit. they're kind of perfect together? they completely understand one another. they are probably the most like-minded of the whole relationship, not the closest, but they think pretty much the exact same shit, i cannot emphasize this enough. they can make eye contact and know exactly what the other is thinking and they love that. lowkey best friends. highkey you cannot let them go on dates alone.

○ where do you fit in here? uhm you're the glue and stability of this relationship. sure they all love or begrudgingly (and secretly) like each other but you're like.... gravity. essential and holding the world together, keeping everything balanced. you were probably the start of the relationship to begin with. they all knew you and were growing to love you separately and then each realized they had competition but while they were trying to fight each other off they just sorta...got used to one another. and none of them were willing to give you up so it's lucky they decided to share or it would've been a fucking bloodbath to put it lightly. none of them have self control or boundaries. to get what they want they'd all go ridiculously far... i don't know what's farther than murder but they'd do it.

○ they all depend on you emotionally, honestly. you're their closest friend, the person they can be vulnerable with, someone they trust to take care of them in the way that matters most. they love you because you make them all feel....human (even jd who is the only actual human besides you. but you get the point.)

sometimes they get jealous of each other, which is ridiculous, because you're almost always together as a group. you do occasionally go off in pairs or to separate outings/activities/dates but generally?? you're all together. it's typically more like-

ginger: you've been hanging off y/n all fucking day, jennifer! they barely fucking smell like me anymore. jennifer: what's so bad about that? you smell fucking disgusting- jd: *grabs ginger around the waist before she can jump across the kitchen counter and beat jen's ass*

however!! there isn't as much inter-group jealously as you'd believe! they actually enjoy having a relationship involving four people.

it feels very secure to them? first off they all feel better in regards to you. they don't worry so much about anything happening to you because you have three over-protective partners who would die and kill for you. they also don't worry about you leaving them because you're so.... you. unlike other, unnamed people they so desperately clung to in the past they know you're not going anywhere. they feel secure enough in their connection with you to be as codependent as possible :)))

(also.... you couldn't leave if you tried lmao. get away from one of them? sure maybe. get away from all three?? *cue clown music* they'd use ginger as a hunting hound and track you by scent alone.)

the four person relationship feels incredible to ginger because it satisfies her need to have a pack? she'd only ever had her sister before and you know how....close, they were. having more than one, single person to be emotionally attached to/invested in really helps center ginger? it also makes it easier to be in a relationship with her? she can be very intense and focused and she puts a lot of energy into her relationship. having that focus and intensity spread out amongst multiple partners is great for her and for them.

jennifer only ever really felt connected to one person, needy. losing her was....a lot. she never thought she'd be close to anyone again let alone to three people. she can't stand the mutt sometimes but she loves you and jd!! and she loves being loved. not lusted after. not admired. not envied. loved, genuinely loved. she may be a demon, she might not have a soul anymore, but she does have a heart, and every day she's with the three of you it feels a little less broken.

since the..."untimely" death of jd's mother (and arguably, even while she was still alive) he's never had any roots. no solid connection. no one to belong to or with. before you, ginger, and jennifer he was just...drifting. when you three came into his life it was like hearing a sudden gunshot in the middle of a calm forest. it was electrifying, and maybe even a little scary. he went from having absolutely nothing to having everything, all at once. for the first time in a long time he has something to be grateful for. he would do anything for the three of you. he'd burn the world to the ground just to see you three smile.

jd goes on several motorcycle rides a week because while you guys have like two cars...he keeps his motorcycle because jennifer, ginger and you think it's hot and none of you are very practical. he must treat all of you to the delight that is the wind flowing through your hair while you're on the back of his bike. jennifer doesn't like helmet hair but she likes the sexiness factor. ginger likes that it's dangerous so jd always speeds when he's with her, you're not sure how they don't get arrested??

date nights are such a nightmare because you guys are all very opinionated?? and particular. you and jd are probably the most easy-going but that doesn't really help because jennifer and ginger are always going to be picky about what you guys wind up doing and they'll say no to whatever the other suggests just on principal. just for their own amusement.

ginger, jennifer and jd are so over-protective of you. you're such a delicate little human?? how have you been surviving without them?? you need them to take care of you.

sometimes you'll be like "why the fuck aren't you two stifling jd? he's a human too!!" and they're like "no he's different" which is such bullshit but also like....jd is fucking unhinged. he can take care of himself. you are their baby.

ginger and jennifer are forever arguing about who is going to transform you and jd. you would think they’d at least agree that one of you is gonna get turned into a demon and one will become a werewolf, at least for the sake of balance, but they literally can’t even agree on THAT let alone which supernatural creature you or jd will wind up as. you two have minimal input in this choice sorry :/ this is werewolf and succubus beef. humans be silent.

you staying human isn't a choice because humans are weak and die so quickly. unacceptable?? ginger is gonna live a long ass time and jennifer is probably immortal. they are not winding up stuck with each other just because you and jd thought you could escape them in death?? fuck you.

ginger needs all three of you to smell like her. yes, even jennifer. but mostly you and jd as you're her two humans and Preferred Mates. jennifer can smell her scent on you all but she doesn't need to smell it?? it's not instinctual?? meanwhile it straight up gives ginger anxiety when you guys don't smell like her. it's just part of werewolf mating. honestly while ginger smells different from humans she doesn't smell like dog, jennifer just likes to say that to piss her off. if she did smell like dog jennifer wouldn't touch her and would gripe any time she touched you or jd.

cuddling is such a fucking nightmare. you guys have the biggest couch in the world and it's still a fucking ordeal. every two person couple activity is fucking ordeal for local poly couple.

it's a debate every time about who's going to sit where or who's going to hold who. oh jennifer likes to sit on the armrest? cool. except she wants to cuddle with you, but you want to sit in the middle today, and jd wants his arms around you, but ginger is laying in his lap and refuses to move cause he was riding on his bike too long today and stopped smelling like her so she'll bite him if he moves.

your life is literally that "man has to get a fox, a chicken, and a sack of corn across a river." riddle i'm so fucking sorry for you.

jennifer likes to buy you and jd clothes. she stopped bothering getting stuff for ginger because the mutt is always so ungrateful of jennifer's taste in clothing. to be fair jennifer only buys a few things that are a bit out of you or jd's comfort range, she tends to buy things that will make you look hot but that you'd also get for yourself.

jd goes shopping with her because he doesn't like leaving any of his partners alone for long. like he doesn't enjoy it he's also not going to bitch about it like other "dutiful" boyfriends who are left holding a few shopping bags and purses. you can't go out with your girlfriend and hold her shit for her for a couple hours?? can't give her a few minimal responses on whether something looks good or bad??? fuck you. also stop looking at his girlfriend before he pulls out his gun.

they all encourage the worst of each others possessiveness. not only because being around each other makes it feel normal because they all agree this is a perfectly healthy amount of possessiveness but also because they all think of being possessive as something romantic. you know they love you because they'll rip apart anyone who looks at you for two long!!!

when you wake up in the morning it's chaos. someone's hair is always in someone's mouth and ginger is a very wild sleeper. especially as it gets closer to the full moon. one of you will wind up on the floor even though you have two king mattresses pushed together. jennifer is one second away from tying ginger up before the four of you go to bed.

you don't really have to worry much about ginger's transformation?? like she won't hurt you and jd during it because she knows that you two are her mates, she's pretty docile around you two (for a werewolf). she knows that jennifer is her...something so she doesn't try to hurt her but she's also not gonna roll over and show her belly.

if anything does go wrong like ginger gets out/away from you all or out of control jennifer can get her back or put her in check no problem. werewolf cuts/bites don't hurt more than any other type of gnarly injury so jennifer is fine with doing it.

that's one of the ways you can tell jennifer gives a shit about ginger actually. even when ginger will fight her viciously when she's a werewolf jennifer mostly just does things to restrain her, not to hurt her. you'd never point that out though because just to prove she's not soft jennifer might break one of ginger's ribs or some shit next time.

the big concern is making sure ginger doesn't get hurt or caught. jd and jen don't care if she hurts anyone else frankly adjkl. to try and keep ginger running off to a minimum (because it's very hard to keep a werewolf somewhere it doesn't want to be) right before a turn jennifer will bring her own.... food, back to the house and her and ginger will kill them together?? it satiates some of the blood-lust and makes the transformations easier.

all three of these bastards will try and kiss you or fuck you while you're covered in blood and it's a nightmare!! somehow one of them is always covered in blood!! even if jd wasn't directly involved in a killing he will come home covered in blood because he made out or had sex with one of the girls while they were covered in blood. he thinks they're beautiful when they're blood thirsty :)))

none of them are great at emotions but all three of them together almost make one-functional human being!! and they are all, to their credit, aware of the fact that they aren't great with feelings so they are already naturally over-compensating to make sure they're always taking care of all your needs.

you: on the phone with a friend complaining about your day, minding your own business the three of them: *manifest from nowhere because their "you having human contact that isn't them" sense was tingling ginger: *snatches your phone and hangs up on your friend* jennifer: *sits in your lap* jd: *wraps an arm around you* why don't you tell us about your day, darling?

a well-oiled machine anyone?

no friends!!! only them!! you are a pack!! you are mates!! you're a family!!! fuck anyone else.

#jd x reader #jennifer check x reader #ginger fitzgerald x reader #jennifer check imagine #heathers imagine #jennifer's body #heathers #jason dean #slasher x reader #ginger fitzgerald x jennifer check x jd x reader #this got so long adjkl #*posts this after like writing for an hour* FUCK done finally #i hope my soul can rest now that's i've written my ultra poly ship

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my-brothers-corrupted · 3 years ago

Text

Book Four - Part 13

Trick breaks free. Then the real fight begins.

Tws for torture, possession, and blood.

Part 13 - Chase

Anonymous asked: Remember Trick, Chase. In the battle against your own mind, only one person can win. Don't let it, let him, destroy you.

“Here you go, my darling.”

Shifting and whispers in the bed beside him. His eyes slide slowly open, sticky with sleep.

“Nobody will take you away,” Anti is purring to Dapper, clipping tiny cameras to his shirt and the pocket of his pants. “I’ll be watching the three of you all day. Oh, my Trickster’s awake.”

He leans over to kiss Chase’s head, scratching at his scalp. “At least you never cause me any problems. Be good. I’ll be back later.”

“Anti,” croaks Chase, rubbing at his eyes.

“What?”

“I’m really hungry.”

“You eat a lot more than Dapper, you know. But then again, he doesn’t age. He’s low-maintenance. Even the scars tend to fade off him, and he goes all pretty and soft again.” Anti pauses, glancing around the room. “I’ll leave the door unlocked. You can get something from the kitchen. Just don’t let Dapper out.”

“Can’t you bring me something?” asks Trick weakly. “I’m having a down day.”

He can feel it already, his depression getting a tighter and tighter grip on him. He just wants to be taken care of for a little while. Coaxed out of bed and into the shower, brought food and massaged. He knows someone should be here helping him. Knowing what to do. Anti?

“I have to deal with your miserable brothers today,” murmurs Anti, leaning in to nuzzle together once again. “But in a couple weeks, when we’re out of here, I’ll spoil the pair of you all you want and then some. Give master kiss.”

Trick presses his mouth uncertainly to Anti’s cheek, at least soothed a little by the contact, but all too soon Anti is drawing away.

“Have a good day. I love you, Anti.”

He glitches out of view, turning only to flash Trick a smile before he vanishes into color and smoke.

Trick stares after him, numb.

Dapper’s very deeply asleep beside him, face drawn. Anti was talking to him while he wasn’t even awake.

Trick hides beside his brother’s arm and tries to go back to sleep. There’s a faint noise in the edges of his hearing like a faint whimpering, but it scares him too much to think about. He just wants to be unconscious again.

Battle for his mind. Ha. He can’t fight for anything right now.

“Anti’s fucking right,” he whispers. “I am broken.”

Anonymous asked: You will make it through, Chase Brody. You are a survivor through-and-through, and sure you may have had to change for survival a few times, but you are still the strong man with a protective gun in hand, the protagonist enough to lead the story and still be you after all this time. Jack made you for happy endings. And goddamnit you are going to have one, no matter how long the story takes.

Trick glances over at you, eyes dull. He supposes he has survived a lot. But protagonist - he can’t do that. He can’t be that. Right now, all he can do is lie in this bed.

He’s too scared to get up. He’s scared to check Dapper’s pulse and find it fading. Scared to look out his window and feel himself go weak with the confusion and distress from that body on the porch. Scared to see a calendar and know how long he’s been here, here, here, just… rotting.

Just him in this silent room, with moments of Dapper’s company to comfort him, and then silence again. His stomach groans as though to mock him.

“Happy endings,” he whispers, rubbing at his face.

He dreams of that warm smell on a baby’s head and hands pressed into the muscles of his shoulders. Dreams of a soothing mixture of English, German, and BSL to soothe him. Dreams of strawberry shortcake and cats curling up on his lap, of trees with no monsters in them. He would really like that. He would really like a happy ending.

Anonymous asked: Anti hasn't talked about that night because he doesn't actually want to make things better, Trick. He just wants to make you forget everything he's done to you so he never has to apologise. He does it to all of you. He doesn't want to make things better, he just wants to force you to forget, force you to love him. Anti is an abuser. All he will ever do is hurt you worse.

“That night…” mumbles Trick.

He glances down at the deep, ugly burn scar on his hand.

“If I try to go I think he’ll hurt me worse,” Trick whispers, blinking wetly at that old memory in his hand. “I’m scared of him. So angry. He does so many things when he’s angry…”

He hears faint flickers of screams, sees old traces of blood and injuries, watches Dapper’s hands cry for mercy. He curls down tighter against his brother, shuddering.

“I think he will hurt me again,” he croaks out. “You know, I really think he will. I’m scared. I think maybe I wish I could have a little time away? Like Dok and Red and Blue? But then Anti was only more angry. And he makes my head so confused. But you know, I think you’re right. I think maybe he’s always going to be someone who hurts me. I don’t know why we make him so, so angry, but yeah, I think maybe he’s being mean.”

Trick’s eyes well up with tears - and, for a second, a flash of his old ferocity, like the bitter, hurting Trick who crouched against the windowsill in that house near the sea in Norway.

“He makes me do things I don’t want to do and he hurts me and my brothers. Why does he do that? I’m trying to be good. He’s - he’s being a dick. He really is. I think maybe he hurt Dok really really bad.”

Tears begin to drizzle down his cheeks. He turns away from you, panting.

“Fuck him. What the hell? I don’t know what’s so wrong with me, but Dok is sweet. Dapper’s sweet. This is… oh, holy shit, this is all so, so fucked up…”

Anonymous asked: Is it really 'stopping the pain' if it was caused by him in the first place, Trick? Is it really 'stopping the pain' if he's made you forget nearly everything you loved, destroyed and hurt your family, and made you spill the blood of all those innocent lives? Are his lies enough for you?

Trick wipes at his face, feeling pathetic and low.

“He used to stop all the pain,” he says. “And I would float in that haze for days, feeling good, feeling okay, with just these moments where I got the sense that something was totally wrong. Like I was living a life I wasn’t supposed to, cause some god stuck me in the wrong skin or something. But he made it stop hurting. And when we hung out, I’d feel happy and we’d have fun. He’s funny, did you know that? He’s really funny and he can be sweet too. Cause when he’s feeling fond of you, all he wants to do is have you close to him and give you things you want. He glows when you praise him and treat him soft. I thought maybe it was the two of us, right? Like we made each other happy. That’s what I thought.”

He stares out the window at the trees and the golden light of a world that feels miles away.

“But I can’t watch him hurt my brothers anymore,” he whispers. “I don’t think he realizes that that’s what really destroys me. He thinks if he just treats me nice, that’ll be everything I need. Why… why would he lock me away like this? And hurt them like that? Didn’t we do our best? For months now, months and months? Didn’t I love him? All I ever wanted was to make him happy. Now he tells me he has to take me away from the people who make me happy for his sake.

He closes his eyes. A sliver of that faraway sunlight touches him, running over his cheek.

“I don’t think this is going to be enough for me. I can’t stay in this room much longer. And I keep thinking ‘well, surely he won’t make me a prisoner forever’ - and then I look over at him.”

Dapper’s mouth is parted with sleep, his face ashy and hollow. Trick manages to sit up for the first time in more than twelve hours to pull him into his lap and rock him, bent low over his thin little body.

Anonymous asked: Even if it doesn't look like the abuse you've suffered in the past, Anti is emotionally abusing and gaslighting you constantly. The feeling you have that you don't understand anything that's going on and don't know the truth? That's caused by the level of gaslighting you're going through. Being less confident, not feeling like the person you used to be, like everything you do is wrong, making excuses for him, isolation from your family, denying actions you /saw/ him do. It's gaslighting. Abuse.

“Denying actions I saw him do?”

Trick stares out the window, picking at his lip. Pick, pick, picking at his mouth until the blood seeps against his fingernails.

He sighs and shrugs his shoulders, shaking his head like he’s trying to throw the thoughts off. After a few minutes, his discomfort overcomes his exhaustion and he gets up to use the bathroom, leaving Dapper gently propped up against the pillows like a time-traveling Sleeping Beauty.

Trick comes back paler than he was before and sits down hard on the side of the bed, eyes glazed over.

“Anti chained Red and Dapper in the bathtub for a whole night cause they tried to sneak him his Haldol. That’s why Dapper’s arm is busted. Then he told me he’d kill Dok in our sleep if I didn’t take off his necklaces.”

Anonymous asked: When an abuser constantly insists that they love you, your mind learns to rationalize that any abuse is excusable because "they must love me!" in order to keep mental pain at bay. You learn to rationalize that abuse and love can ever co-exist for the sake of your own heart. But the abuser does not love you. Love and abuse cannot co-exist. 'Family' or not, Anti is an abuser, Trick. A violent, physical one. Eventually youll have to choose between real love, & an endless cycle of excusing abuse.

“No, oh, no,” whispers Trick, grabbing at his head. It hurts! There is a wound opening up inside his head, a mallet pounding down against something deeply sealed, a fire burning at his memories. “No, we did love each other. He’s being so horrible, but he… loves us. No, he doesn’t. He loves me? How could he treat me so well when things are good if he doesn’t? He wants to keep me. He loves me.”

But this cycle - this cycle!

He hears a girl laughing. She smells like good cooking and library books. He’s the one making her laugh and it lights his chest up. He presses his mouth to the soft skin of her cheek and she smiles and touches his hand. They say goodbye. Anti slaps him so hard he crashes to the ground. He hears Blue screaming for him to stop, but Anti doesn’t listen. Trick forgot by the next morning.

Trick clutches his head. His fingers intertwine with green hair. “No, no, no. What is he making me forget? He’s - what - what is he trying to turn me into? Please, please get him for me, tell him I need him to clear my head. No - no, but he makes me forget, or - or these are just nightmares. These aren’t real. These are just… just…”

Anonymous asked: It wasn't a nightmare. Don't let him control your head. Don't let him win, Trick. He's been hypnotising you, in your head nearly every single day. Don't you remember when you hated it? When you would cry every time someone was possessed, when him being in your head nearly caused you to kill yourself? Anti doesn't "make the pain stop", he just erases it, destroys it, destroys your sense of self and your freedom over your own mind.

“No, come on,” begs Trick, shaking his head, feeling himself beginning to shake. He needs to lie back down again. He hides under the covers, still holding his skull. “No, that’s not true. I don’t want it to be true. I’m scared. I can’t fight him if he’s really like that. He’s going to hurt me and my family. What do I do? Oh, no, no! He’ll get in my head again - I’m going to forget again and just keep letting him hurt us! Dapper - Dapper’s been stuck in one room for months and months, I have to - I can’t protect anyone, no, he’ll make me forget. He controls me. He’s right, I’m just a fucking puppet. I don’t control my own thoughts anymore…”

Anonymous asked: I'm curious about something, Trick. I'm not even sure if you still remember but there was a girl who Anti captured who you guarded and were told to kill when you all left the area... but you didn't, and you let her go instead. Did she say something to you? What made you directly disobey Anti that day?

Trick looks up at you, astonished. He bites down on his nail, turning away.

“You’re right… shit, what happened?”

Flowers and plants bursting from the earth. Blue’s eyes full of despair moments before glazing over with Anti’s shadow. In the shed, the girl looked back at him, her eyes raised.

“I think she said she wanted to go home to her family,” says Trick. “Or did I imagine that? That she said she had a family to go home to, a family that was looking for her and scared for her? She was all covered up in cuts. Anti used to make Dok do that to people. It was terrible. He would go so wild as he tortured them, just like Anti wanted, but then afterwards he would just shake and shake and shake for days in silence, stuck as deep in his own head as he put his scalpel into Anti’s prisoners. One time, he became convinced there was some sort of infection inside himself that he needed to cut out. I found him in the bathroom, completely delusional, completely incoherent, his scalpel stuck inside his thigh, splurting blood everywhere. I don’t think Anti even said anything about it… Dok cut up someone else that next day. It was always cruel, the torture. For Dok, for his victims. I remember that girl all covered in Dapper’s cuts.

“And I guess I thought I could get away with it. We were all leaving, so why not leave her? But then she brought the magicians. It was my fault she took Dok away.”

He squeezes his eyes shut, head aching.

“And Anti kicked Dap, didn’t he?” he asks faintly. “Maybe I was just angry at him. Like the fire. I didn’t set the fire for Dok, I just wanted to tick Anti off. I don’t know if I left the girl alive because I felt sorry for her or because I wanted to tick Anti off. I think sometimes I do. I think sometimes I want to get him back for all the things he’s done to us.”

As the memories come back to him, so too do the feelings, and with the feelings, a glimpse of reality.

Anonymous asked: Henrik, you can gift your necklaces to other people right? What if you gifted the protection over heart and head to Trick? That might be the only way to keep Anti out of him. I don't think he can fully fight it alone.

Blue eyes slide open on the porch.

Crusted and red. Bloodied on one side.

Henrik’s mouth barely parts. He tilts his head back, trying to readjust, and barbed wire pokes into his cheek, sending blood down his lips, tracing the pale outline of his mouth.

His necklaces hang off his throat. His last, solitary comfort and protection. You want them for his brother?

You must ask someone still standing to be selfless. He can’t care for anyone right now and he’s done his share of the sacrifice. Will you see to it that he is buried by the Chevra Kadisha after Anti kills him? It is his last request. His eyes have gone faraway from you, the pupils shrunk, and he stares at you like a hawk who can see the whole world beneath its endless gaze.

Anonymous asked: Who was it that said the line ‘anti tortured my brothers and made them thank him for it’ ? Cos I think u need to remember that one rn

“I guess he did,” answers Trick faintly. “He’s cruel on purpose. It’s not… it’s not his temper. He thinks it’s funny.”

aether-mae asked: Trick, as much as I love seeing you remember the truth, it’s all for naught if you don’t have a way to get free from Anti. We’ve brought you out of your hazes before only for him to drag you right back in. If you can reach enough clarity, please, please, get the fuck away from him (and bring dapper with you), otherwise we’ll be back to square one again

Trick’s eyes flicker. He looks over at Dapper, chewing on his nails.

“Can’t get out of the house with all the cameras,” he murmurs. “Can I? But I’m allowed go downstairs a little. He’s not, but I am. I don’t know how I could… can’t Red and Blue just come get me, please?”

aether-mae asked: Uhh noodle poodle, come back here please. There’s Dark things in the woods. Hopefully they like kittens..

You hear Trick gasp so hard it’s almost a scream.

“Holy shit!” he sobs. “My cat! Where is my cat, oh no, no, no!”

He scrambles to the door, pulling it open. Panting, he stands outside the room and clicks and kisses for his cat, calling for him like he always does. But Noodle doesn’t come running.

“He’s in the woods?” cries Trick. “My kitten is in the woods? Did Anti hurt him? Is he alive? Noodle! Come here, baby, daddy’s here! Holy shit, holy shit, holy shit. I’m going to throw up. My cat, my baby.”

Anonymous asked: There was also a boy once, Trick. A kid you ran into when you robbed the pharmacy. I know you ran to avoid getting caught but I think partially it was because the name he had was familiar to you, in the same way your crinkle paper is familiar to you. No matter how Anti tries to shut your memories away, certain things always seem to linger.

Trick whimpers, shaking his head. Yes, he remembers. It hurt for a long time. It hurt for a long time even before that happened, before he even had that one name to cling to. There has always been a hole in his heart, for as long as he can remember.

But then he had his cat!

Having something to care for soothed him more than was probably healthy. He’s lost hope that he’ll see his children again, but his cat -

“I have to get my cat,” he cries. “I have to get away from Anti or he’ll leave my cat behind to die.”

And, on shaking legs, he begins his way down those great stairs, calling for Pot Noodle.

Anonymous asked: Anti took your children from you. Anti took your family from you, all of your friends, your life, your happiness. He took it all and filled your brain with false joy and lies all to make you a mimicry of Jack that he can pretend to control. Break free from him, Trick. Protect your real family.

The house is in ruins.

He doesn’t know when or how it happened. Struggles between Anti and his brothers, maybe, or just Anti himself lashing out. Maybe even Noodle caused some of the damage, in those first days where he was waiting for Chase to get out of the upstairs room and look after him. Some of it is just neglect.

The plant by the entryway door has fallen to its side and broken, the dirt spilling out across the filthy hardwood floors. A light is smashed above it and Trick can smell something like rot and spoiled milk in the air. There’s blood on the coat hanger.

Trick passes his hand over the wall, stepping through his broken home.

Here’s Red and Blue’s room. He remembers curling up with Red on the nights when Dok and Blue were both taken away from them. The room was cool and clean, Red meticulous in his organization and precise in his temperature control. They took what little comforts they could when they could hear their twins crying out from upstairs. Today, the room is in ruins. The sheets are torn off the bed and someone has been scratching at the door, leaving nail marks in the side, one hinge busted entirely. The drawers have been ripped open and the lamp is on its side, broken like it was used as a battering ram.

This home was so beautiful when they moved in, or Trick thought it was. And after everything that happened, he thought that maybe, just maybe, they would have a few months of peace and quiet, warm with the California sun and the love between them. It should have been idyllic.

He’s living in a fucking nightmare.

The basement is surprisingly clean, though Noodle’s sand box is full and his empty dishes have been pushed around and flipped in frustration by a hungry cat. But his and Dok’s bed is still untouched.

They would lie together. He would tell Dok about Anti. Dok would tell him about comfort and freedom and the future he wanted. Trick had barely even been able to listen at the time, ensnared in Anti’s power and his own self-delusions.

He puts his hand down on the mattress. His eyes water and spill over.

This was real family.

Anonymous asked: you were his nurse, trick. you were more than that. you loved him more than anti. you loved dok more than anyone. anti is torturing him, your real twin. anti is trying to force you to forget how much you loved him so that you'll be complacent. don't sit down and take it. fight for your family trick. see how horrible anti has treated you all for years and fight it with all your might.

“Dok was my twin,” he croaks out.

They would hold each other through the worst nights, whispering reassurances and secret sedition to each other, taking care of each other on their down days, days of blood and an exhaustion so deep as to eat holes in you. Dok - Henrik - was everything to him, when he had no one else to turn to. How did he ever forget, even for a hazy moment?

“Dok is my family. Anyone who hurts him like this does not belong. Dok is my family and I have to protect him.”

He holds his head up, breathing deep and closing his eyes.

“Okay,” he says. “Okay.”

Anonymous asked: Red, Blue, and Henrik have done it and you can do, Trick. I feel like this is a truth you always knew. Anti is a snake in the rabbit's den. Anti is a falsity haphazardly placed inside the truth of your brotherhood. Anti does not love you, even if he seems 'fond' whenever you're under his control. He doesn't love you, he wants to control you.

Trick runs his hand through his hair, trying to think. “You’re right,” he murmurs. “And soon, he’ll come back and put me under his control again. I’ll be all confused and listless again, forgetting everything that matters so I can be his. I - I have to act right now. Right now, today. Before he tries to destroy me again.”

Anonymous asked: (1) Anti needs you to believe you'd be nothing without him. He needs you all to believe he is in charge and he is special and free from the rules because it fits his world view, where he's the all-powerful, in charge of everything. But you're not truly under his control. Trick, Dapper, Red, any of you, can be free at any time if you stop conforming to Anti's self-imposed world view. Anti treats you like a means to an end, you're only with him to satisfy his needs, to be the person he wants.

“He can force me to believe what he wants,” says Trick, treading back up the stairs. He’s so hungry he can barely think straight, so he’s decided to do what Dok would want him to do and try to find some breakfast while he thinks. “I need help to keep him out of my head, that’s the truth of it. In Singapore, Blue was the only anchor I had who kept me from getting completely lost in his power. Dapper will help me if he’s up to it, I know that now. I’ll get him some food too. I have to figure out what to do. I have to…”

He stares around himself at the prison of his home. The kitchen is absolutely wrecked, the fridge door left open so everything has gone bad. The stench of meat makes him gag. He grabs a tray of stale muffins and fills up a big water bottle before heading back towards his room, sitting shakily down on the bed.

“Need to get out of the house,” he whispers, his eyes flickering around to the cameras in the room. “Need to stop Dok from being his hostage. But he’s always watching. I have to distract him somehow. Or be very, very quick.”

Anonymous asked: Anti said he'll finish Henrik off if Red or Blue even try coming close to the house. You can't rely solely on their help to get you out.

Trick curls in on himself a little, his anxiety spiking.

“That’s why they haven’t come to get me. They can’t even get close. They… they can’t help me at all while Dok’s on the porch. I have to go get him. But I don’t know how. Dap - maybe Dap can reverse something for me when he gets up. Then I could try a couple times over and figure out what works. I’d feel so much safer. I’m pretty scared. Anti’s really going to beat me if he finds out. He’s focused on Dok right now, right? Not reading messages or anything? I think he’s been hunting Red and Blue in the forest.”

He rubs at his face and takes a big bite of his muffin, his mouth flooding with saliva at the relief of having food again. They finished off Dapper’s snacks early yesterday. Trick was getting about ready to try that rotted cheese he had in the drawers. He chugs half the water bottle and touches Dapper’s shoulder, trying to wake him.

“Hey, little man. Let’s see if we can’t get some food in your tummy, yeah? Dap, here I am.”

Anonymous asked: cracked screen cracked screen cracked screen-

For context, the moderator had, at this point, changed the blog icon from a square of glitches to a square of glitches with cracks through it, like a broken phone screen.

“Is it cracked?”

Trick peers at his camcorder, finding the lens intact.

“Looks okay from my side of things, but there’s a lot of different cameras in this house.”

He feels movement in the bed beside him and turns to see Dapper squinting at him, blinking as he comes back to consciousness.

“That is some truly fantastic bedhead, my man.”

Dapper manages a faint smile for him.

“There’s my guy. Come on, bud, let’s get you sitting up and get you some water.”

He pulls Dapper up against the headboard, propping his pillows up behind him. “How are you feeling?”

“Little better,” answers Dapper.

“Here, have some water. Is that true that you don’t eat as much cause you don’t age?”

“I think so,” his brother says. “But I can’t be sure. I don’t think I’ve ever eaten much. Just survive off what Anti brings me. But I’m okay.”

“We’ll get you some food and clean up your bandages.”

Anonymous asked: Jackie, Blue, if you could get to the house and provide a distraction, Trick is willing to jailbreak him, Dap, and Dok. Is that a possibility?

Blue sits up straight from where he was slouching in the lawn outside one of Dark’s houses, eyes lighting up.

“Yes, of course,” he breathes. “Whatever he needs. He’s really willing to go? I told you he was my little fighter, Ro! Let’s go now and we’ll get in a fight with Anti. I can light him up with my magic back.”

Jackie shifts against the tree he’s leaning on, more skeptical than his sibling. “I don’t know. They’re going to get hurt. If Anti catches them, we’ll have three brothers strung up on that porch. And I don’t think Dapper can take that right now.”

“First of all, have some faith in them,” says Blue, pinching Jackie’s wrist. “They’re tougher than you like to admit and they’ve been through a lot of dangerous situations and come out the other side. Secondly, we don’t have much choice here, my darling. We can’t get past Anti while he has a hostage. He’s willing to kill and the cameras are activated. We need Trick to get Dok to safety.”

“How the hell is he going to get out of that house?” asks Jackie, shaking his head. “Carrying Dok and supporting Dap? I don’t think he could get out if he were on his own. Anti will have his eyes on the cameras even while he’s fighting us.”

“Then Trick will have to be fast,” says Blue, getting to his feet. “And you and I will have to be very distracting.”

A smile curls onto Jackie’s face despite his trepidation.

“Well that,” he says, “I think we can do.”

Anonymous asked: Jackie if you know you can handle the backlash, then maybe taunting Anti about being not afraid, talking about beating him to essence in front of Jack, and being stronger than him, etc, has seemed to definitely do the job in the past.

Jackie starts laughing even as he shifts his weight from foot to foot and rocks on his heels. Blue watches him carefully to see if he’s getting overwhelmed, but he has it together.

“Oh, he’d be so mad.” Jackie rubs at his hair. “But… I guess that’s true, right? I beat him before. I did. We did! He should be scared. He can’t treat my family like this. We’ll go get him.”

He turns to smile at Blue. “Yeah. We’ll get him.”

Anonymous asked: Could Shep or Google sneak in and help Trick get the others out while you two distract Anti?

A window opens in the house above them.

“This isn’t a fucking crossover episode!” shouts Host. “Use your own characters! There’s a such thing as narrative integrity and I will not watch as it is - ”

“Gigi!” calls Blue. “You want to come help us with our brothers?”

Gigi appears in the doorway, letting Moses out of the house. “Sorry, not allowed. Dark doesn’t want me involved.”

“Come on, don’t be a sycophant,” says Blue, flashing Gigi a look that makes Ro roll his eyes. “You know, I think we could have some fun, Gigi. You don’t have to listen to Dark. We might really have a good time.”

Google shakes his head. “I’m good right here, thanks.”

“You like being Dark’s, Gigi?”

Google gazes at him, then across at Dark’s house, where Wilford is chasing the dog around the yard. The peach tree outside the house offers leaves to the wind, pink fruit bursting on its branches. Birds cascade around the roof and windows. The breeze stirs his hair.

“I’m good right here,” he says again, and you think you see, just for a moment, the flicker of a smile on his mouth.

“Well, what about Shep?” asks Blue, glancing around for him. “Host, where is he?”

“Out looking for that cat again,” answers Host. “I recommended he put some meat in a carrier and see what he catches. My bet is on possum, but I would also accept bear cub or porcupine.”

Anonymous asked: Shep? ...Did you ever find Noodle?

“Guess not,” sighs Blue. “Trick’s going to be broken-hearted if we don’t find that cat.”

“He’s been out alone in the forest for days now,” says Ro. “He’s a house-cat, never lived out on his own. Most likely he’s dead.”

“Ro,” snaps Blue, and then remembers to soften his voice. “Sorry, just - a little too blunt, love.”

“Sorry. Yeah, uh, we’ll find him! Somewhere.”

scunneredzombie asked: Trick, if your oldest brothers create a distraction would you run? Can you get away in the middle of a fight, if that breaks out? Blue has faith in you!

“I wish Blue was here,” says Trick quietly, staring out the window. “He’d make everything better. He always does.”

Anti was the one who made him sick… the memory of his body in the hospital feels suddenly overwhelming… Trick bows his head and sighs, clutching his shirt and wringing it between his hands.

“Run away in the middle of a fight,” he mumbles. “Away from Anti. I don’t know. I’m…”

Scared.

“Maybe that’s why he likes me so much,” he says. “Cause he knows I don’t have the guts to stand up to him. I always come back all warm to him. No matter what he does. Even in Norway, before he messed with my head like he has been lately, I was so hungry for any affection for him. Now I still can’t seem to run away. I’m sorry, I don’t - I don’t think I can do this.”

Warm fingers cup his chin. He turns and finds Dapper looking at him, smiling. His little brother’s fingers move back to stroke against the hairs at the nap of his neck and Trick relaxes wearily, eyes sliding shut. He takes a deep breath. Dapper tugs gently at his hair and he opens his eyes to see him again.

“Can I tell you something?” he signs.

“Course, man.”

“When Anti caught you and Henrik, Red and I were both lost deep in his power. He had treated us very badly for a while, but as we came around and became more and more willing to do what he asked us to do - to be what he asked us to be - he started to become warm and loving with us. Our missions felt like adventures back then. Even the killing was satisfying. Red was having breakdowns most every night without ever being able to tell me why, but in the daytime, he and I were Anti’s monsters. In Italy and Denmark, we killed and stole like we were born to do it.

“You and Dok changed things. Anti was obsessed with Dok’s savagery as a torturer for some time, but as he watched it begin to destroy him, he got bored again. And you - ”

“Were always his little yellow-belly,” chuckles Trick. “He didn’t have any interest in me back then.”

“No,” protests Dapper, touching his chin again. “No, that’s not true. You only remember after he reset you. But Trick, you lasted longer than Dok and Red had before you lost the fight to Anti. You fought so hard, Trick. Fought him every step of the way. I think that was the first time I began to get my memories of who we had been back. Because you fight, Trick. You fight when you need to. That’s one of those things that Anti can’t take from you. And I think that’s one of the reasons he gets caught up in this fascination with you. Anti only respects power and ability. To him, you should be helpless, hopeless, lost all the time - a human being with no magic and a lot of pain going on in your head. But you still keep fighting. He can’t understand why. Why mortal things, despite all the suffering and weakness they have to go through, still find things in life worth fighting for.”

Trick stares at him, clinging to his words.

“Now, Trick, Chase, my brother - if you want, you and I can go with Anti. Maybe we could even convince Anti that Dark is right, and he shouldn’t kill the others. Maybe Anti could even make us feel happy for a while. If that’s what you want, you and I can go. I’ll stay with you. We’ll be family. And I think we could survive it.”

Dapper leans forward and lets their foreheads thunk together, just for a second.

“But that’s not what you want, is it?”

Trick shakes his head slowly, tears dripping down his face.

“Because that’s not who you are.”

Trick shakes his head again. No. That’s not who he is. That’s not what he wants.

“Trick, I’m too sick to help reverse things right now. I’m sorry. And I know you’re tired too, and I know you’re scared. But Chase… your favorite person in the world is down there, hurt and alone, while Anti plans to kill him. He can’t stay there, not for another minute if we can help it. Right?”

“Right,” he whispers.

“So what are we going to do?”

Trick reaches up to hug him. For a minute, they just hold each other. Eyes closed. Hearts together.

“Dap, I’m not a fighter like you think I am,” whispers Trick. “I want to, I just - I know I can’t. I know I can’t do this.”

“Why? What’s going on? Did something happen?”

“Because - ”

His voice breaks. He draws back with tears in his eyes, holding on to his little brother.

“Dapper, I still love him. I still love Anti.”

“Oh, my brother.”

Dapper reaches out to cup his face in his hands.

“I do too. But we don’t have to stop loving him. We just have to look at him, and see what he truly is, beneath the idea of him we fell for - and then choose to love ourselves more.”

“What if he needs me?” whispers Trick. “What if I’m the only one who could save him from himself?”

“Dok needs you more,” says Dapper, and he presses his hand to Trick’s heart. “And today, you really are the only one who can save your twin.”

Anonymous asked: To Trick (and all who need to hear): Healing from pain is a choice, and it is up to you to consciously /decide/ that you deserve to move on from the weight and hurt you've dealt with for so long. Because you do. You deserve hope and love and freedom. But you have to choose it for yourself.

“You don’t deserve to be hurt for his sake when he doesn’t even want to be saved,” signs JJ, the pair of them sitting side-by-side in their monster’s bed. “They’re right and they always have been, even when you were too lost to realize. You deserve - we deserve - to be free and safe and cared for, Chase. So what are you choosing, my brother?”

“Hey,” whispers Trick.

“Yeah?”

“You’re really good at giving speeches.”

He gets to watch Dapper’s tired face light up with laughter. It makes him smile too. A moment later, they are locked against each other, giggling and rocking each other on the bed, faces squished together.

“You have to choose with me, then,” says Trick. “I know how long you’ve been scared and alone. You got to choose to fight with us today.”

Dapper wipes at tears on his face, hugging him tighter. He doesn’t want to let go just yet.

Anonymous asked: Dapper is right. Trick it takes a looong feckin time to stop loving people who've abused you. It takes even longer to love yourself again. But it's a choice you are capable of making. Choose to love your family, love yourself, more than you love the monster amongst you. Anti is a calloused, cold abuser who delights in pain and cruelty. No amount of love will save him from himself. Go and be with the people who loved Chase before you ever had to be Trick to survive.

“You and the others are the only hope that I have held onto for long years now,” signs Dapper, stuck fast to him. “If you’re ready, then I am too. I’m not sure I can do much, but what I can, I will.”

“Okay, then - then me too, me too,” whispers Trick, wrapping him up again. “Me too. Okay, I’m stuttering like fuck, haha. You gotta give me a minute. Just to breathe. Then - then I’m ready. Okay.”

“You should change out of your pjs, maybe,” Dapper recommends.

“Yeah. Yeah. Okay. Alright, shit. Do you have everything you need if I go get him?”

“I’m okay. I want you to worry about Dok first.”

“No way, you’re just as important as he is.”

“Thank you, but Dok’s in a lot more danger than I am with Anti. Anti won’t kill me, I’m fairly sure. If it comes down to it, get him to safety first and worry about me later.”

“No, I won’t do that.”

“We’ll see what happens, alright? Now go get ready, quickly. I’m sure big brother will be here soon to make a mess and cause problems.”

“His specialties.”

Trick hugs him one more time before getting out of bed, leaving you beside Dapper as he goes to change.

Anonymous asked: Good luck!!!

Chase gives a small laugh.

It seems almost too little, but almost too much: good luck. He needs it more than he knows how to express.

But he is also the gunman, the guard dog, the father, the nurse. He is a fighter and a softie too. He needs luck. He needs hope. He needs courage. He will find them.

“Thank you,” he says quietly.

He’s wearing one of Jamie’s blue hoodies, basketball shorts, and worn, well-kept, fading Converse. He has no weapons and no magic.

For the first time in days, he dares to search for his twin’s body outside his window. He can see very little of him from this angle, but he knows him nonetheless. So fucking still. Why is the deck red beneath his unmoving hands?

“Go,” signs Jamie. “Look, in the woods.”

In the woods, movement. Anti appears from the air in front of the trees, eyes narrowed.

“I know you’re there!” they hear him shout from far away. “I can see both of you with the cameras I have in the trees! You’ll never get close to him before I can transport back and stop you! Neither of you will get out of my gaze.”

“He is watching for Red and Blue, as long as they keep him distracted,” signs JJ. “He knows all the magic and help they have. They will not be able to get to Dok on their own. Go, while he is so focused on them he feels safe.”

Trick hugs him one more time before moving towards the door.

“I’ll come back for you,” he vows. “Nobody’s getting left behind this time.”

“Please don’t worry about me.”

“No, Dapper - ”

He turns back to him and takes his face in his hands, drawing his gaze up.

“Don’t give up,” he says softly. “No resigning yourself to anything. Today, you find some hope, okay?”

Dapper bites his mouth. He nods, just once.

“I will come back for you and you will be ready to go. Okay?”

“Okay. Okay. Yes.”

They pull away. Chase goes.

JJ stares after him for a long time, hands clenched.

Then he gets up and he gets dressed.

It feels very similar to stepping back from the edge of a cliff in Lima.

Anonymous asked: Speak of the devil, where is Anti anyway?

“Speak of the devil indeed!” calls Blue through the trees. “Who’s the guard dog now, bitch boy?”

Anti turns his head towards him, snarling, but Blue vanishes behind a wall of ivy. A rock thwacks into the side of Anti’s head and he yells, touching a patch of blood on his skull and then making it glitch out of existence once more.

“How long can you keep that up, do you think?” asks Red, taking aim once again from a slingshot borrowed from the twins. “Can you glitch all day? Or is it like after you stole Blue’s magic, where you got fucking exhausted and crawled away from the battle half-draped across Trick’s shoulders?”

“You’d be tired too if you fought off half a legion of magicians single-handedly,” spits back Anti, and despite the irritation they’re bringing him, there is some wild light coming back to his eyes, a light you have not seen since Jack was still filming videos of him. “I think I can handle one magician and his useless brother just fine.”

Jackie leaps out of the underbrush, swinging his staff and hollering a battle cry, and Anti lunges forward to meet him. A wolf closes its teeth around the staff, shoving him to the ground; fire lights up the wolf’s fur and makes it screech; Anti rolls away again to find Jackie slinking back - goddammit! These fucking annoyances. Fuck, fuck, but he’s glad to be trying to kill them again. There are hot tears in his eyes. He hates them. He will tear them apart like he always wanted.

He follows them farther into the woods, his cameras lighting up in the trees. As long as he has eyes on them, no one will take the ones who still belong to him.

Anonymous asked: Help is coming, Henrik. Your twin remembers you. We're going to get you out of here.

Those blue eyes slide open again.

He doesn’t know what relief feels like anymore.

But he still has that raven on his breast.

He will die his own man.

His eyes slide shut again.

Anonymous asked: Just hang in there a little longer Henrik. Everything will be okay

“Dok,” whispers a soft voice. “Dok. Deutsch. Henrik.”

He has been whittled down to his own faint breathing; it is the only sound or sensation still existing in his chest. In - out. Slower. In.

Out.

In.

Breathe.

“Dok, I’m here. I’m here.”

Warm hands on the side of his face, caressing him, holding him, around the bloodied barbs of the wire. One on the right is close to piercing his eye. He has been trying for days to stop it from getting too close. Now he can no longer feel it. Perhaps it has already blinded him. He can see very little.

“What happened to you, what happened? I’m here. Dok, I was wrong. I couldn’t see him. I’m sorry. I’m here now. We can go. We can go home.”

He has no words left.

“I’ll get you out. Quick, before Anti checks on you. Here I am.”

Chase.

Anonymous asked: You've got this Chase, go quiet, go fast! Be careful of his injuries, Anti has been torturing Henrik for a long while.

Chase grabs at his hair, tears wet in his eyes, and he curses himself for being a crybaby and a sycophant and a coward.

“I’m here now!” he repeats, almost screaming it, and you see him leap to his feet and turn towards the yard, picking up the shovel that Red was using last week when he decided to dig holes in the lawn to trip Dark’s soldiers. Trick turns back to his twin and stalks back onto the porch, drawing the shovel back like a spear. He thrusts it down with keen accuracy and slams the sturdy metal against the thin dog chain lanced around Henrik’s throat. Again and again, he brings that shovel down, finding the weak chain and snapping - snapping - snapping free!

He kicks the end of the chain off him, panting. He sinks back down to his knees, holding his brother again. Trick lets the barbed wire cut into his arms. It doesn’t matter anymore.

“Dok, hey, are you awake, even? Say something to me. Ich bin hier. I won’t leave again, not ever. Maybe you can’t talk right now. Sometimes you get like that. I don’t mind. I never minded. We take care of each other, right? Remember how you used to stay up with me so, so late and rub my shoulders just so I could relax? I was so scared of Anti finding that I hadn’t guarded all night I would stay awake for days at a time. You were my only comfort. I’m here.”

Fingers flicker against his waist. He touches his head against Dok’s, beginning to try and peel the barbed wire off him, but fuck, fuck! Every barb has to come out one at a time, slow and delicate, and he knows he’s hurting his brother from the way he starts to tremble beneath him. Trick’s fingers too are being cut open by the barbs, because it takes real force to begin unraveling these thick bindings, stronger even, perhaps, than the chain. He won’t be able to get this all off in an hour, let alone five minutes.

“I should have stopped this from happening,” sobs Trick, rocking him. “They’re right. Anti’s been torturing you for ages, especially since we came to this house. And I just waited for him to stop being angry. That’s all I did. I should have stopped him. He wanted to make sure you were punished just for trying to live your life without him. Is this the price he asks for? Look at you, my poor Deutsch…”

Wounds beneath the wire. Wounds and bruises beneath the wire. His left hand is swollen immovably, blue and black and red. He has been cut to pieces. Trick has looked at him for only a moment and found a half-dozen injuries.

“What do I do with you, Henrik? Tell me what to do. Come on, you were always the smart one. I won’t leave, okay? Even if he comes back and kills us both. I’m never leaving you again.”

Anonymous asked: Hey Dok? I don't know if you have a camera about you, but... Do you think it would ever be possible to give Trickshot the necklace that protects your head and heart? I don't know if he could ever be fully safe without that magical help. He's deep in the fire, man.

“No, let him keep them,” croaks Trick, stroking Dok’s hair. “They’re for him. They were presents for him. To protect them. You keep ‘em, Dok. I’m sorry I tried to take them from you. I thought I was keeping you safe, but there are more important things than surviving. You didn’t want him back in your head again. He never will be again. I swear.”

He clutches the two ravens on his brother’s heart. Today, the birds do not burn him.

Anonymous asked: Get Henrik and JJ out of there, Chase. The only place you can be safe is far away from him, otherwise there's a chance he'll get into your head again.

“If I carry him they will dig into his body even more.” Trick looks around for help, but he knows none is coming. “I need pliers or something, but where would I get them? Anti locked up everything that Dapper or I could hurt ourselves with. Shovel won’t work. I’ll just - I’ll just have to start pulling them out and hope I can tug him out or something soon. Right? What else do we have? What else can I do?”

Henrik’s tired red fingers rest over Trick’s, still pressed against the necklaces. Trick clings to him, hearing a rough sigh of relief press out of him. It is the only sign of life Henrik has given him other than his breathing. Their hands rest together.

aether-mae asked: Every day I wake up and pray this story isn’t a Shakespearean-esc tragedy. These boys are going to make it. They have to

“Right,” mumbles Trick. “We have to, we…”

Their hands rest together on the birds. He looks at Dok and sees blue eyes slide open.

They hold on to each other.

“You trust me?” whispers Trick.

Dok breathes.

In.

Out.

His body, stiff and aching, relaxes against his brother’s body. His eyes slip closed again, unafraid.

Yes. Of course.

Here they are.

Trick snaps the string of Dok’s second necklace.

Anonymous asked: You guys have been so distant lately. I'm happy for him to have you back Chase, even if just for the moment right now. Also, does JJ still have his lock picking set from Max? Maybe you could break into wherever Anti locked things away.

JJ is standing in the window of the room upstairs, throwing his shoes at the camera above the porch, trying to knock it down.

“I threw the lock pick off the side of a cliff, unfortunately,” he signs. “I was not very future-oriented at the time.”

He has run out of his own shoes. He heads to the closet to get the shoes of the man who used to live here, the man he killed, but when he runs back to the window with his arms full of dress shoes, his brothers are gone.

“Oh, I think he got him,” he says. “He really did move fast. Damn, maybe we should break into Anti’s things though. I’d really like to have some knives.”

Yelling and fighting in the forest outside, and then Anti’s shriek of anger.

Dapper stares out the window, head tilted up, trying to catch sight of someone. Anti flashes back to the porch, shouting threats, but Dok is already gone.

“No fucking way they got to him, I had my eyes on them,” he snarls.

He looks straight up at Dapper. Dapper backs away from the window and goes to hide in the closet. Trick bursts into the room about halfway through and they smack right into each other, skulls slamming together.

“Owwww,” groans Trick, clutching at his stomach.

“Trick! Watch it! Come here, he’s coming!”

Dapper grabs his brother and they slide into the closet, closing the door behind them and hunkering down beneath coats and shirts, hands clutched together.

“Where did he go?”

Anti is stalking around the house, his mouth full of poison and vitriol.

“What the fuck did you do? Who else is here? Dark, if this is you or any of your soldiers, I swear to hell I’ll kill the lot of you!”

They hear Anti shove the bedroom door open, snarling like an animal. He tears the room apart, doors slamming and furniture crashing to the floor. When he finds nothing, he turns towards the closet.

“Where is Dok?” asks Dapper. “Did you - ”

Anti forces his way inside, grabbing them both by the hair.

“Where the hell is he?”

“We don’t know, we don’t know!” cries Trick. “Ow, Anti, ow! He’s not here!”

“If I find out either of you had anything to do with this I’ll feed you to each other!” shouts Anti, throwing them back to the ground. Dapper grabs onto Trick’s shoulder and they press back against the wall, panting.

Anti pauses at the door, eyes flickering.

“What’s that smell?” he demands.

Trick and Dapper exchange glances.

“Moths?” signs Dapper weakly.

Anti stares around the closet, eyes narrow.

“If you catch sight of Dok, tell the cameras,” he says, turning to stalk away.

Trick slumps back against the wall, one hand over his mouth, one hand over his stomach. Dapper pulls him into a hug and they both try to calm down.

Anonymous asked: Is something wrong with your stomach, Chase?

“No, nothing’s wrong, thanks, I, uh - ”

“What are you holding?” asks Dapper, pushing at his hands. “Let me see.”

“No, JJ, stop being a little shit,” scowls Trick, pushing him back, before the sentence has left his mouth, Dapper has stopped still, staring at him.

“What?”

“JJ?” he signs.

“JJ? What’s JJ mean?”

“You just called me JJ.”

Chase blinks, hands loosening on his stomach. “Oh. Dapper, I meant. What’s JJ?”

Jameson looks away, mouth turning down.

“Is that… you? Is that your secret name?”

He’s looking back at him like he might reply when there’s movement in his hoodie. Chase clasps his hands over his tummy again, but too late.

The little white and grey head of a sleepy-looking rat pokes out of the side of Trick’s hoodie pocket.

“Oh,” breathes Dapper. “A baby!”

Trick looks desperately up at Dapper and sees nothing but delight in his eyes. He relaxes a little, letting out another long, shaky breath.

“It’s an important baby. We have to keep it safe.”

“Can I have it?” begs Dapper, cupping his hands.

“No, no,” says Trick hurriedly, holding his hands around the rat, stroking its white head with his thumb. “Gotta let him rest and hide, okay?”

“Little baby… what a pretty fancy rat. It looks kind of sick though. Will we keep him?”

“We’ll worry about that later, okay?”

“Cutie. I’m in love. Oh, don’t let Anti see, he’ll kill a little mouse.”

Anonymous asked: How goes the fight, Jackie & Blue? Anti seems utterly pissed

“Tell my brothers to get out of the house!” he calls. “We’re leaving today and we’re not coming back.”

Anti screams and glitches towards Jackie in a flash, but Jackie rolls away and Blue is there a moment later, intercepting Anti’s attack with fire and plant life, guarding his older brother.

“Feeling a little useless, I admit,” pants Jackie, circling and loading another stone in his slingshot. “He’s got a fuckton of magic, and me? I have this rock!”

He launches it at Anti and hits him dead on once more. Anti snarls and glitches the wound away, slicing through thick vines with a machete pulled from thin air.

“Your tricks won’t stop me!” he shouts, finding Blue on one of his cameras and transporting towards him, knife swinging.

“He’s not pissed!” Blue calls to you, taunting. “He’s just scared!”

Anti shouts and transforms into the wolf, launching himself at Blue, teeth snapping.

Anonymous asked: JJ is him, yes! Jameson Jackson!

“Jameson?” repeats Chase, and though he remembers very little, the name still seems to fit, somehow, in his mouth. “That’s… kind of awesome. You look like a JJ.”

Dapper seems particularly touched by this, his mouth drawing shyly up again.

“Do you know the others’ names too?”

“It’s not my place to tell you,” says Dapper, touching his cheek for a moment. “Give them time.”

“Well, should I call you JJ?”

He pauses, glancing away.

“I’m not… sure yet. Should I call you Chase?”

Trick stares at him, cupping the rat in his hand. The warm head drifts sleepily against his palm.

“I think that’d be okay,” he says. “Trick, he - he wasn’t always kind to you. I’d like for Chase to be better.”

He tucks the rat gently back into his hoodie.

“Get everything you need from the room and let’s go.” Chase pulls Dapper to his feet, stroking the rat in his pocket with long, soothing strokes of his thumb. “We might have to be away for a while, I don’t know.”

“I want a knife.”

“We’ll grab one from the kitchen.”

“Then I think I got everything in here.” JJ grabs a black coat from the closet. It’s too nice and warm to match his thin, worn t-shirt and the short sleep pants he’s wearing, but its pockets are stuffed full of what few things he has - his favorite chalks in a ziploc bag, one half of a torn prayer card, a wad of American cash, the picture of Eshe that Max gave him, a GoPro camera, and a few slips of paper Chase doesn’t recognize. He pulls them from the pocket, flipping them over.

“What are these?” he asks. “What - plane tickets?”

“Anti was going to take us back to England to kill Jack like he said.” Dapper taps the word ‘London’ on the tickets. “There’s four tickets. Figured I’d grab them. I don’t know, I just grabbed everything.”

“Clothes and drawing stuff and everything?”

“Still in the backpack.”

Trick swings the pack over his shoulders. He takes Dapper’s hand and holds the rat inside his pocket in the other.

“Here we are,” he tells them both softly. “Let’s go, okay?”

Dapper squeezes his hand. They race down the stairs together, heading for the backdoor, hoping Anti is still distracted long enough for them to reunite with Red and Blue.

In the trees, Anti sees them step out onto the porch. You see him stop short, expression contorting.

“Get back inside!” he shouts, moving towards them. Chase and JJ exchange glances.

Blue and Jackie are panting in the foliage, taking a second to breathe, already half-exhausted. Blue’s hair is singed from his own fire and his hands are heavy with weeds, while a fresh cut bleeds heavily across Jackie’s forehead, but he hardly seems to mind. There’s a vibrant ferocity burning in his eyes.

“Let’s go,” he coughs, staggering to his feet to race out and protect the others.

“Jackie, wait,” calls Blue, pulling him back down. Jackie looks at him, astounded.

“You called me - ”

“Listen, is this the talisman Dok gave you?”

Jackie touches the raven on his breast. “The necklace, yeah. It doesn’t have any more magic, though.”

Blue grabs his shoulder, looking up at him.

“You can use it, though. When you have it. You burn like a star. You’re my counterpart, my twin. I don’t care if Anti was the one who decided it at first. Now we decide it. You are the other part of me.”

“This is sweet, but my baby brothers are on the other side of Anti’s glare right now.”

“Give me the talisman. It can still hold magic. Take my fire.”

Jackie’s eyes go huge.

But only for a moment. He accepts the idea a moment later, blinking. Mind already ahead. Strategizing. Fighting. Leading again. Like he was always meant to do.

“If you can,” says Jackie softly, pressing the necklace into his brother’s fingers. “Then give it to me. And we will share this fight together, my Blue.”

Blue smiles at him.

And then he lets all the power he can give blaze into that necklace, and gives it to his other self.

“Let’s go.”

Anonymous asked: Go Jackieboy Man, protect your family!! You're a shooting star, Astrifer, and it's time to burn like one!

Ro liked having the light magic. He liked burning like a star. The magic felt like having a blanket of warmth wrapped around his whole body. But even then, that was Emmanuela’s magic, and this - this is Blue’s.

This is Marvin’s.

He would know it without sight or sound or touch. He would know it by the way it comforts him, just like Blue always has. He would know it by the way it makes him brave.

Flame follows Jackie out of the trees, his twin at his side, wreathed in bloom and thorn.

“Look at you two,” snarls Anti. “Aren’t you straight out of one of his stories? I should have known. None of us can avoid the destiny he set down for us. We were always going to end up right here once again.”

“This time,” says Blue. “We finish it.”

“When I raze you to the ground, we will call it finished.”

“Anti,” says Trick quietly, eyes wide. “Don’t, okay? Just - just stop, please. Dap and I don’t want you to hurt them. There’s things we won’t forgive.”

Anti turns to him, lips drawn back in indignant fury. “You little bitch. Don’t tell me what to do. You belong to me so keep your mouth shut.”

Trick’s mouth is tight and trembling. His eyes reflect the fire in Jackie’s hands.

“What if I’m not,” he says.

“What?”

“What if I don’t want to be yours anymore?”

Anti hears himself laugh. He’s shaking his head at Trick, eyes slightly confused. “What? Who told you to say that?”

Trick stands close to Dapper. Anti sees the same expression in their faces - wary and scared, yes, and then something harder underneath. Dapper’s eyes speak to him. After all these years, Anti does not need to look into his head. He can see the change in him.

“What are you doing?” he asks. “Where… did you go? Dapper?”

Dapper doesn’t answer him. Doesn’t comfort him. He steps slightly closer to Trick, head low.

“Get away from them, Anti,” says Jackie. “Just… hell, man, just go. Just leave us alone and don’t come back.”

“No, fuck that,” snaps Blue. “You stay and learn what it’s like to scream in fear all over again.”

Anti breathes out, chest shuddering. The fire freezes over in his bitter blue eyes.

He glitches and he grabs Trick and Dapper, wrapping one arm around Trick’s waits, hauling him off his feet, and grabbing Dapper by the hair.

“Anti, don’t do this!” screams Trick.

“You get the hell away from them!” shouts Jackie, fire lighting in his hair.

Everyone is shouting or signing or both, moving towards each other; fire and plant life and painfully-bright colors burst up around them, Anti has a blade to his little brother’s throat and -

Anti hollers in alarm as something sharp digs into his finger. He looks down at his hand around Trick’s stomach, startled.

“Rat!” he screams, dropping Trick and Dapper immediately, glitching all the way up to the roof of the house. “It bit me, it bit me! Fuck you, Trick, you hid that from me? You - ”

His eyes find the raven on Jackie’s sweatshirt.

Anti looks back at Trick, hiding that rat back against his stomach, eyes frantic.

“Dok,” hisses Anti. “You… you, Trick… you took him off the porch, you - all of you… all five of you, the ones that belong to Jack… traitors.”

ari-trash asked: Oh- oh my god, the last raven necklace! Dok is the rat?? Is he okay? D:

“Uhhh, no, this isn’t Dok!” says Trick hurriedly, pressing him down into his pocket. “He’s fine, I hid him! Dok’s not here and he’s definitely not this rat, no way.”

“You… turned my brother into a fucking rat?” says Blue.

“Hey, I got him safe! He trusts me! He’s fine. Aren’t you, Deutsch?”

The rat does look remarkably settled in that hoodie pocket, its tired eyes closed and its little body rising and falling with soft breaths. Anti is gripping his knife so tightly his fingernails cut into his palm, panting almost to the point of hyperventilation. Fuck, muscles and bones confining him, animal flesh coating him, caging him…

“You keep that thing away from me,” he warns. “Trick. Even Trick. Even Trick has… you really are just Jack’s, all of you. Dapper is the only one who… fuck you, fuck you…”

Jackie keeps his eyes trained on Anti as the others surround Trick and Dok, Blue desperately checking on the little body in Chase’s hoodie, stroking his little head and calling sympathies at his younger brother.

“Anti,” says Jackie.

“No, no, no,” Anti is chanting, pupils shot. “No, no, no.”

Anonymous asked: The time has come, Anti. You are alone, utterly fucking alone. As you always deserved to be. They won't take abuse from you any longer.

The trees are mocking him.

Monoliths erected in the deep rich earth, subject to the will of a magician and dotted in his cameras, playing out messages to him - alone, alone, alone.

He can hear laughter. His head spins. He runs his hands along the smooth cool surface of a pumpkin, turns his green eye toward you in a red hallway, sinks beneath Jameson’s skin, tilts his head at the Darkness and laughs, stares at you without saying a word, eye twitching. He hears Jack whispering his name and Chase asking who’s there, feels the heat of Marvin drawing away from his own prophecies in terror, smells the scrap paper and ink of a trashed research room with a doctor sitting at a table, trying to fix everything gone wrong.

And he remembers something unseen by the cameras as well, something you have only heard of - screaming out for Jack to save him while his body mangled into hollow bones and winged flesh, watching his creator turn away from him.

There was grief in Jack’s eyes, but no pity.

“No,” he groans. “I wiped all that away. I’m beyond it now. No. You don’t remember.”

He hears one of them breathing and the bloody beat of their mortal hearts.

“We don’t have to remember, Anti,” comes a small, sad voice. “Not the past. You’re right, it doesn’t matter. Not really. But Anti, we want… we want to be happy now. We don’t want to get hurt anymore. You have to let go of us, Anti. We won’t stay here anymore. They’re right… it’s done.”

His eyes flash open and he is present again, his shadow cast over the group of siblings standing below him, guarded and together, shoulder-to-shoulder, side-by-side. They all have the same blue eyes.

And he sees grief, and rage, and hurt, and fear, and love, and determination.

But no pity.

Not one fucking shred of their pity.

“Very well then,” he hears himself breathe out, and he watches alarm fill up their faces as his body begins to shift beyond his control. His face is twitching. He can feel it, but only distantly. He’s numb and his ears ring, high-pitched and screaming. His body distorts and spasms, blood racing down his ivory throat. “You want to play Jack’s games? Let’s play. I only need one of you. And he will be mine whether he wants to or not.”

Dapper steps back, shaking his head, but too late. Too late.

Anonymous asked: None of them belong to you. Not even Jameson. He always said the day the rest of them turn is the day he too abandons you. You don't own any of them, you utter mythic glitch bitch.

“Jameson!”

“Dapper!”

“Leave him alone!”

His body crashes to the ground, fingers scraping at his skull. He feels Anti in his head again, just like he has been since that first day.

“You will never get free of me,” he hears his Anti’s voice scratch at the inside of his brain.

“Stop, stop!” his hands cry. His brothers are screaming for him, crying out.

“Possessing him won’t do anything! We’ll stop you from hurting him!”

“You’ll just confine yourself to flesh, coward. Fight us in your real form!”

“Dapper doesn’t deserve to get hurt, let him go! You’d have to be able to possess all of us at once to get away with this, Anti. You can’t make us your slaves ever again!”

“Fine!” screams Anti’s voice from all around them, and Jackie, Marvin, and Chase all falter to the grass, grabbing at their heads. “You think I can’t? You think I won’t control you all at once with nothing but my own power? I never needed your faith! I will make you mindless!”

Jackie hollers in pain, his skull pounding with a terrible pressure. Chase is on his side, protesting with the voices he can hear. Marvin grips at the grass, shaking his head out, shaking, shaking, shaking.

“You’re - you’re losing control,” he gasps. “You’ll destroy yourself, Anti.”

A foot presses against his throat and chokes him. He opens his eyes, wheezing, and sees, looking back at him – himself. With green eyes and hatred in his face, glitching and broken, distorted and transparent, himself. Marvin and Anti and Blue all in the same being. Turning his gaze with a desperate cry, Blue sees broken beings like shadows standing around his brothers, too, dark versions of themselves, corrupted and in pain.

And he hears a bitter voice, his own bitter, aching voice, lonely and afraid:

“So be it.”

#chapter four

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mycreativereach · 4 years ago

Text

The Birth of Oron

Colossus’ raw power, wolverines’ adamantine claws, Captain America's unbreakable shield, the powers of the Greek gods, and the hierarchy of the archangels. These are but a few to name of the heroes I would watch growing up.

I was always a fanboy for superheroes, especially marvel. I had my time with DC, but I was always more drawn to the stories of the X-men or other superheroes within the realm of the marvel universe. Other means of fantasy such as Lord of The Rings and anime such as one-punch man and Dragonball Z played a part as well, but it was a few that stemmed from my childhood that allowed me to develop Oron the character you read today.

Colossus

To say that fantasy and heroes have had a slight impact on my novel is an understatement. I remember getting up early Saturday mornings, roughly around 8 am, to catch a list of cartoon shows that would appear on Fox. Over a few years, the shows had moved around and switched but I always remember waiting to watch the 90’s nostalgic marvel show x-men. The always progressive stories of wolverine’s trust issues and macho feud with cyclops, gambit’s Casanova chivalrous tendencies towards rogue, and Professor X’s forever dilemma of accepting the very humans who hate him while teaching mutants to be at peace with civilization was what I loved about the show. I couldn’t wait to rush to the carpet in front of my tv and sit for two half-hour episodes. At the time wolverine had been my favorite mutant and marvel character for that matter and still is. But the character that helped shape Oron was colossus. I remember seeing him for the first time, his mutant power of being able to enwrap himself in metal which tremendously increased his raw strength and power reeled me in. His character traits of being a humble Russian farmer with roots of loyalty and fighting for good is also what attached me to him even further. From that point on until this very day, colossus is still one of my top favorite marvel characters and has also helped pave the way for me to creating my character Oron. I knew I wanted Orons characteristics to be someone who came across as hard and cold on the outside because of the lore I had built around him, but I wasn’t exactly sure how I wanted him to look. Eventually between coming across colossus combined with my love for bodybuilding and the aesthetics that bodybuilders bring is ultimately the reason why I created Oron to have more of a menacing appeal to my readers. But as for the color of Orons skin, it’s funny that Oron turned to be blue. I have gotten feedback both negative and even some positive saying Dr. Manhattan has played a role in this decision I made. They are similar in some respects but in all honesty, it had nothing to do with that character. The sole reason is that I like the color blue and decided to go with a lighter or sky blue. Navy blue is my favorite to be exact, but I Liked a light shade of blue that looked on Oron and then decided to keep it. I had gone through several other stages of Oron with different colors and patterns and other anatomical appearances, but I felt none of them looked well enough as the color that he ultimately ended up with.

Sarevok

Another character that played a role in the creation of Oron was the main antagonist of the well-known RPG-pc game from the 1990s Sarevok Anchev from Baldur’s Gate. Still one of my favorite villains ever, Sarevok had the menacing appeal of height, increased strength, and malice that caused him to be feared. But it was his assured intelligence and allured determination that made me enjoy his character. Although I like the version of Sarevok from Baldur’s gate, it is the expansion to Shadows of Amn in Throne of Bhaal that was the version that piqued my interest for Oron. Sarevok at this point comes forward to help his brother, the main protagonist in the entire storyline. The evil aura still emanated from Sarevok but as you play out the game, or read the books, you, in turn, find out that even though this once archrival of yours had been your most bitter enemy was nowhere to help you even with the ominous characteristics he still had. This helped give me an idea to develop Orons past as being one of sorrow and negativity while helping Aurelia and although being a stern teacher, Oron meant the best for Aurelia. There were certain differences between the characters but also some similarities as well in the ways of how they displayed their care for the person they trying to help and the determination and confidence they expressed through their cold hard demeanors with Orons being more serious and Sarevoks attitude animating more of a serious but sinister malevolence.

Marvels Cosmic Hierarchy

Getting older I started to really dive into the cosmic hierarchies of Marvel. The vast powers in the universe always intrigued me as to how powerful they could become and how different beings would clash against one another. Being limited to the capabilities we have as humans always made these stronger beings look much more appealing because I knew it was physically impossible to achieve their prominence of power. Characters like Galactus or the In-Betweener from the marvel cosmic hierarchy would always possess jaw-dropping crazy abilities and crash with other beings of good or evil in the universe. I wanted to adapt powers such as this into my storyline, but I wanted to also make sure the readers knew that no matter how powerful one could seem, everything in my universe can be defeated. We might look at Oron and think that he’s a God of some sort, an undefeatable being with extraordinary abilities. But the truth is Oron could be matched by other relevant powers as well. In Marvels Hierarchy, the order of power is laid out for you to see who is the strongest and weakest of that order, although it's subject to change at times since some beings get stronger and others weaker. But what I enjoy is that even though there is an order of strength of power that doesn’t mean someone of weaker status can’t defeat another being of higher ranking. Because there are so many factors that help accumulate the ranking status of powers you are never fully solidified in that position and can be destroyed. As Marvel fans would know, we saw this when master order and lord chaos put aside their differences and joined together to destroy the living tribunal who was considered the second to the one-above-all who is the strongest entity in the marvel universe. Another example was how the Knull, the divine leader of the symbiotes, such as the one called venom from Spider-Man appeared from the multi-verse and decapitated a celestial, who were known to be some of the strongest beings in the multi-verse at the time. As much as there are hierarchies sometimes there are powers that seem to have been forgotten or hidden away to avoid detection. And even though there is a list of hierarchical power such as the one Oron is a part of you maybe never be truly undefeatable with other powerful beings that roam the universe.

Greek Gods of Old

Another form of lore that helped shaped my character Oron was the tales of the Greek Gods from Mount Olympus. The many stories and fiery battles between themselves and also the titans intrigued me the most out of the many legends they were a part of. Their supremacy and dominance over Earth and its inhabitants were similar to what I wanted to implement in how Oron was perceived. Each Greek god had a role to play in part to help civilization keep structured. They each had an array of followers, some more than others, and had cities dedicated to their names. They were worshipped and in term bestowed their blessings upon the strongest of their followers and warriors. But Out of all the gods I always gravitated towards Poseidon and Hercules the most. Poseidon’s because of the wisdom yet commanding presence the god held and Hercules because of the demi-gods valiant heart and brute strength. So, you can say these didn’t exactly correctly tie with Oron but there are similar traits from these characters and the motions of the Greek Gods that inspired some of the character traits in Oron. Although Oron is a hard-pressed individual he still flows with wisdom from the amount of experience he has gained from his years of life as Poseidon expressed through his many gatherings with other Gods and mainly Zeus. Oron’s strength seems to be unmatched and comes off as an omnipotent figure, similar to Hercules, to the people of Earth. As you read along in the novel you come to see Orons shortcomings and also weaknesses which were important for me to show. But whatever Greek God it was, even though they were far beyond mortals, they could have weaknesses emotionally and physically. You could be strong-willed and mentally equipped but even the Gods can be shaken just like when they had to battle the titans for their freedom.

Christian Biblical Hierarchy and its Powers

Growing up I was brought into a family with moderate practice of the Catholic Christian religion. Every Sunday for several years we would go to church and celebrate the name of God like a lot of other Christian families and live our lives as close to those religious morals. Needless to say, as I got older I drifted farther away from the specific ideological catholic beliefs when it came to how we were created. I still did and currently have a belief that there is some sort of greater being in the universe, but I have concluded that I have no idea what it is. For all I know it could be some greater intelligence that has no shape or form. It could be some superior alien race that decided to use humans as a test subject for their own means of biological experimentation. Or maybe we collided with other forms of substances and we weren’t the direct creation from any being at all, just a number of substances colliding together which then took billions of years to create our bacterial organisms that finally evolved into what we are today. Personally, I don’t believe in the latter of the possibilities, I think there is some sort of greater being or spirit, intelligence, or energy, whatever you want to call it, but have no idea what it is. But as I started to sway away from Catholicism the stories of the archangels and powers within the bible didn’t leave my mind so easily. Reading upon how God created the Earth and then the archangels and other stories such as Able and Kane piqued my interest. This was the foundation for the background lore of Illithesium and also my wanting to add Oron to a hierarchy of characters that belonged to the Christian religion but with my own twist. God's love with the strength of Michael and Lucifer's fallen grace would play a role in Illithesium and Oron but differently from how the bible displays it. Oron and these characters were beings of great power, yes, but they could be destroyed and were not immortal as we learned growing up in religion class. They had physical forms and could be spoken to although through a language far beyond our capabilities. Their legendary powers displayed in the bible also are showcased but in a way that it could be explained and understood in a more somewhat scientific down-to-earth method. Adding Oron to the lore of characters that I grew up reading about and knowing with adding many different featured twists was creatively fun. And the lore thickens as I’m currently writing the second book which you’ll get to see hopefully sooner rather than later.

My Love for Bodybuilding

As I mentioned up above, bodybuilding has been a part of my life since I was 18 and has allowed me to view life in a specific way. If you want results, then you need to go out and earn them by taking necessary calculated actions in order to have success. By doing this over years I build a physique I had once admired and still admire, for myself through hard work and dedication. Involving myself in bodybuilding and reading upon bodybuilders and strength lifters is what really caused me to adopt a specific look to my character Oron. Now not all my characters look as big as Oron as I want physiological diversity in my novels, but the results one can get from weightlifting and the many ways you can build your body are shown through all my characters. But the reason why I chose Oron to not only be tall and broad but heavily muscular was to give an idea of what a superior being far beyond human capabilities can look like at physical peak performance. But an even bigger and more lasting impression I wanted to leave on my readers was that even the mightiest and biggest beings have demons they have nestled inside them. The strongest of us also have skeletons in their closet they’d like to forget that always come back to eventually haunt us. It was to show that it's normal to have to face your fears and to overcome them. It was a combination of respecting the hard work and ethic that goes into building a body as bodybuilders do, whether they be natural or not, and the strength that has to be applied to overcome the adversity of everyday life obstacles, injuries, and more. And to know that a being that may be tall and strong with power none the likes have seen before can still be shattered as nothing in the universe was made to be perfect and will eventually break under certain pressure.

Last Thoughts

Oron became a staple in the Illithesium novel and to find out more you’d of course have to read up on the book to see what happens. I hope you enjoyed the character of Oron as much as I did create him and giving him life while watching him grow throughout the novel.

If you liked what you read here or have any questions, comment below or send me an email and I’d be happy to chat with you!

#adam zomparelli #oron #illithesium #illithesium: the awakening

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zombiesun · 4 years ago

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tag people you want to get to know better

tagged by @distortedfractals thanks! I adore your aesthetic and love everything that you put on my dash your vibes are immaculate

your name and then what you would have named yourself: the name my parent’s chose for me was sophia (which I still think is a very lovely name) and the name I chose for myself is vin after edna st. vincent and vincent van gogh

astrological sign (sun/moon/rising if you know them): scorpio sun, virgo moon, capricorn rising

when did you join tumblr and why?: 2015 maybe? one of my childhood best friends was into it and we were both into sherl*ck so I made an account (this tumblr is new though, I go through about one a year because I’m bad at commitment but I’m fond of this one so I might keep it until society collapses)

top 5 fandoms: hxh, xmen, leverage, succession (currently), and atla (I don’t participate in many of these fandoms though these are just my favorite)

top 5 favorite films: kamikaze girls, howl’s moving castle, excision, spy kids 2: island of lost dreams, and the girl with all the gifts

go to song when you wanna Feel something: amen by ritual

what’s your religion or faith if you have one?: I’m Jewish by birth and a practicing witch so I’m caught between believing in a very typical spiritual narrative (reincarnation, communicating with angel guides, the great ascension, everything is energy and we’ll eventually move to other planets/realms when we die) and thinking that there is one terrible g-d and nothing else and someday I will die and finally be able to wrestle with him in the wilderness. I think my true religion falls somewhere in-between.

a song that makes you feel seen: video game sufjan stevens

if you could have any career: I would love to be able to figure out a way to balance my art and my community work - ideally I would love to be able to provide resources/housing to high risk teenagers and also work on making safer spaces for addicts like self-injection sites and I would love to lead early development classes for parents on how to raise children. I have a lot of ambitions but I don’t think I’ve figured out how to make it into a career yet.

do you have a type?: people who work in non-proft, alternative style, emotionally intelligent, I really like play fighting with people so an antagonistic streak without being dominating - I’m a big simp for people with big hearts who don’t care about what people think about them because they have more than enough ego to support themselves. If you’re the life of the party and can counsel people through emotional distress call me

what does your heart/soul yearn for: to heal, to nurture, to destroy, to be known

if you had to describe yourself in 5 words to someone who doesn’t know you: outgoing, interconnected, eclectic, high, and earnest

favorite subjects in school: art, history, and anything that let me dissect something

where does your soul feel most at home: walking around anywhere alone at night but in particular a city or a town with an interesting layout

top 5 fictional characters: gon freecss, alec hardison, emma frost, john silver, and kirishima eijirou

top 3 moments in a show that made you ugly cry: the finale episode of leverage when they all hold hands, the moment that gon broke down and the entire aftermath, the finale of the magicians that I didn’t watch but fundamentally broke me anyway

the earth, the sun, the moon or the stars: the sun ofc

favorite kind of weather: lightning storm weather

top 3 characters you kin: john silver, eliot waugh, and will graham

favorite medium of art: anything involving ink

introvert/extrovert/ambivert: ambivert I am happy with people and with myself/thrive in both settings but lately I’ve been a lot more introverted

a favorite literary quote:

“You know what's the most terrifying thing about admitting that you're in love? You are just naked. You put yourself in harm's way and you lay down all your defenses. No clothes, no weapons. Nowhere to hide. Completely vulnerable. The only thing that makes it tolerable is to believe that the other person loves you back.”

― Mary Doria Russell, The Sparrow

some of your favorite books: the hollow kingdom series, the sparrow, dendara, hope was here, a monster calls, I’ll give you the sun, to name some

if you could live anywhere in the world where would it be?: a studio in a city I’ve never lived in before, a lighthouse as one of it’s keepers, I don’t usually want to live in particular locations anymore as much as I want a living experience that I haven’t had before

if you could live in any time in history when would it be?: you couldn’t pay me to go to the past but whatever point in the future where we’re all cyborgs in a forever midnight neon city that’s perpetually raining

if you could play any instrument masterfully it would be: drums in particular the hang drum

if you have one, what mythological god or goddess do you feel a connection to: hestia - I have her symbol tattooed on my chest

and lastly, favorite recent selfie in your camera roll: I’ve only had this phone for less than two weeks and any selfies on it have already been posted on my face tag #vin the flesh

tagging: @sadmoji @greengreymatter @jupitersrising @4est-nymph @sadgirlkendallroy @haggardgirl anyone else who wants to do this? I will read them if you tag me in it

#answers #vb #I feel like I should put these under vb too because they're really just a personality quiz longpost alkdsjalf #magic 8 ball #vincore

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prettywordsyouleft · 6 years ago

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To Love You (Destined Sequel)

Summary: Jinyoung never wanted to meet his soulmate. He was determined to avoid the pull of your connection with him, but what he wasn’t ready for was just how much you would affect his life.

Characters: Park Jinyoung x reader (with cameos from Jaebum and Jackson)

Genre: soulmate au / angst / romance

Warnings: a lot of angsty inner dialogue, cursing, hard family life

A/N: This is the sequel to Destined and if you haven’t read it, then I highly recommend it as some of the original content is omitted from here for Jinyoung’s internal dialogue instead. A lot of you who read Destined wanted to know why Jinyoung was the way he was, and naturally Jinyoung is complex in his feelings. I hope you can appreciate this fiction! (Yes, I am nervous about this sequel not meeting the expectations of Destined readers).

This ended up being a mini-series. The links are just below to the other stories.

Series Index: Destined // To Love You // Forever [M]

Word count: 9728

He never wanted a soulmate.

Which, given everyone had one waiting out there somewhere in the world, was a bit peculiar. But Park Jinyoung hoped to never meet his. He had seen first-hand the joy that came with loving someone so much that there was no one else in this world who could make you feel more alive. He watched as that love became their destruction too. There was nothing he or his parents could do to stop his sister, who was full of promise for a successful life, turn to lying, stealing and cheating for the man she was destined for. Instead of following the road to greatness, she was dragged into the shadows, into a world of filth, greed and destruction. All because her soul couldn’t give up the man she loved. Jinyoung despised how someone could forget everything they stood for all because of a puzzle piece inside them fitting perfectly with another. Even if that person was dangerously crooked.

He decided from the early age when his family was torn apart and filled with anguish that he wouldn’t succumb to some predetermined fate. He would have full control over his own future and live how he wanted to. He didn’t care if his soulmate was nothing like his sister’s; he had no interest in allowing someone else dictate how he lived. He had survived so far without one and he knew he would be able to continue to do so without needing anyone at his side.

By the time he was in high school, Jinyoung had calculated the best steps forward. He had chosen a career in medicine, knowing it was one of the most taxing and time-consuming professions to undertake. He had always dreamed of teaching a class full of children and seeing them grasp onto the early wonders of life until the darkness that overturned his family shattered that image. Jinyoung knew teaching would be dangerous, it would be too easy to live a life where he could go to work and teach the next generation before returning home each evening to the sweet embrace of marriage, children and a home. He needed something that wasn’t consistent and more demanding. And so becoming a doctor became his sole focus.

He hadn’t been the best at science but he pushed himself away from the literary arts and into the calculated and factual world of medicine. He crammed until exhaustion would barely carry him into another day, and until his head hurt from encompassing knowledge about the human body. Soon, he was invested in learning all about how humans worked and was fascinated by the wonder coming from within. It hadn’t been easy, but he graduated from high school with a scholarship for medical school. And there he endured countless hours more of sleep deprivation whilst steadying a continued thirst for further knowledge. Jinyoung soon was top of his class and he admitted he liked being there. It meant everyone looked up to him and was never able to get too close. He would help them if he had to but only ever at arm’s length. He knew scientifically how humans interacted with others, yet he soon fell out of touch with them emotionally.

Jinyoung couldn’t risk falling for the charms of anyone in case a soulmate came along and tried to destroy everything he had worked hard for.

He had only hoped to become a doctor but now that he was one, he wanted to be the best in his field. It didn’t take him long to become a favourite of his department, adored by new and senior staff alike. He was pleasant and efficient, and his knowledge outweighed even some of the residents that had been working at the hospital longer than he had.

There was still a part of him, perhaps because he was curious by nature, that wanted to understand the complexity of being someone’s soulmate. Whenever he had spare time in between shifts or on days off, he would study further into the subject. Jinyoung figured, the more knowledge he had on soulmates, the better prepared he’d be for if and when his own tried to make an appearance. He soaked up anything from official textbooks to case-studies and even watched videos online of soulmates meeting for the first time to get a better understanding. He knew everything in theory, from how it would feel physically to one’s body when they first crossed paths, to the sensations they would feel when apart for too long. What fascinated him further was the psychological change for each individual, and how someone they never knew existed soon became all they existed for. No matter how many accounts he read, he couldn’t fathom allowing someone else in this world to change how he felt. He refused to believe there was no way to control yourself and avoid your soulmate. He searched far and wide for documented proof of someone doing just that, and he never found anything.

Surely, he couldn’t be the only person on Earth who wanted nothing to do with his soulmate. He was certain others would want to remain individual as he did. And every time he got close, finding tales of someone proclaiming they would remain single and avoid the predetermined factor of another soul matching them, he would dig deeper and find them happily married with three kids. It frustrated Jinyoung entirely.

Jinyoung was determined that no soulmate would ever change how he was.

And then he met you.

“Doctor Park, will you be leading the interns’ examinations today?”

He glanced at the nurse and smiled politely. Another shunted her, chastising the way she was now grinning up at him, hopeful. “Of course, he will be! He hasn’t become the star of our department for no reason.”

“Will you need our assistance then?”

“I will,” he told her, smiling again. She bit at her lip in gaining his approval and set herself up at his side immediately. It used to bother him when they did this but over the past six months after finishing his residency and becoming an attending doctor of the department, Jinyoung had grown accustomed to the staff wanting to be a part of his rounds. He initially believed it was because he was competent and gave clear instructions in stressful situations. He was calm within surgeries and offered insight to struggling interns where suitable. But Jinyoung wasn’t blind either. He knew the lack of a ring on his finger played greatly into the attention he garnered from some staff. He found it easier to politely accept their attention at work and reject any offers that went further than being professional. He had gained the fitting nickname of Doctor Ice Prince because he was never prepared to let anyone in too far. Even when he found himself at his loneliest points in life, he would never turn to others within the hospital for more than comradeship.

“Well, here come the newest interns, fresh off the campus and right into your team, Doctor Park,” Misun, a senior nurse of the department mentioned from her desk nearby and he grinned. There were six new faces in total and he eyed them all as they approached him. He would need to encourage the two who were all but visibly shaking with nerves and educate the three who were exuding too much confidence. He smiled at the young man in amongst them all, neither scared nor confident and wondered if he would find a competent doctor within the intern to include in his surgical team.

Over the next hour, Jinyoung showed the students around the department and explained their role within his team from that day forth. He then took them on their first rounds of the ward they were in charge of, and was now explaining their next patient to examine and about her injuries.

“We will need to check her over for any new signs of improvements and order another-” He stopped then, blinking once as his mind clouded over. He then focused on his condition, wondering why his heart was now racing within his chest. He had never felt nervous on days like these before and it confused him for a moment. He shook it off a little and glanced at the tablet he held within his hand as if it would prompt him with the information he needed to continue. He drew a blank. “Sorry, where was I?”

“You were talking about Patient Oh, Doctor,” the nurse, who was still glued to his side, mentioned patiently and Jinyoung nodded immediately.

“Of course, Patient Oh was admitted after falling from a cliff face recently and was handed over to our team today now that she is out of intensive care. She has suffered some internal bleeding to her brain and will require an MRI scan to see how she’s doing.”

No one responded to him and he looked back at them, perplexed. Their own expressions showed a similar emotion and he tried to understand why there was a miscommunication. His brows furrowed together. “Is that understood?”

One of the interns raised her hand tentatively. “Don’t you mean a CT scan, Doctor?”

“Yes, that is what I said, wasn’t it?” He blinked several more times when he felt a sweat break out upon his skin. He was rarely sick and he inwardly cursed himself for falling prey to illness in the midst of something so important.

And then he stopped breathing altogether, hearing footsteps coming towards him.

Jinyoung suddenly knew what this all meant. And even after all the years of preparation, he couldn’t help but feel anxious with everything he was experiencing. He whipped around and attempted to walk in the opposite direction, his team following him in confusion for only a few steps. He glanced around himself and chided his immediate response to flee. He had deep down waited for this opportunity to face adversity and now that his soulmate was fast approaching, he knew he had to deal with it. The sooner he saw you, the quicker he could dismiss your place in his world and get on with his work.

He chuckled. “I think I must have eaten the wrong thing for breakfast this morning and lost my thought process there for a moment.”

Thankfully everyone chuckled in good humour at his admission and he sucked in a deep breath to steady himself. He knew you were going to round the corner any moment now and he wanted to look an image of composed and unaffected.

When Jinyoung saw you though, he was completely overwhelmed. He tried to keep his eyes off yours, allowing his gaze to only travel over your lower half as you stopped suddenly across the hallway. He didn’t want to look up although everything inside him convinced him otherwise, and in a final attempt to avoid looking at you, he reached for the patient’s chart the nurse held and tried to scan it intently.

You soon moved closer and he had to look at you, just once. It was strange to stare at you and find you captivating when had you not been his soulmate, he wouldn’t have looked at you more than once. It wasn’t that you weren’t beautiful, your sweet appearance drew him in instantly, but he had seen many people just like you before and it never fazed him. Right now, he couldn’t think of anything other than how much he wanted to talk to you. The urge annoyed him greatly and he took a deep breath, turning back to his team and pointed at the closest intern.

“What scan do we need to get done on Patient Oh?”

“A CT scan, Doctor.”

“Excellent, that will be what you are in charge of organising today,” he instructed and the man nodded once. It made Jinyoung feel slightly back in control and he started giving further instructions to the team, attempting to watch you out of the corner of his eye at the same time.

You seemed to be in awe by him and he felt irrationally proud of the reaction for a second. And then he realised what he was doing and squared off his shoulders, angling his body away from you in hopes you would depart so he could remove the clouded haze within his mind and return back to his work. It seemed you took the hint, dejectedly giving him a final look as you marched on by.

Jinyoung took a deep breath as he listened to your retreating steps, his heart lurching after you before being controlled again and he was able to focus back on the task at hand.

Jinyoung smiled to himself. He had won the first battle against the magnetic spell you held over him.

Jinyoung wasn’t naïve to believe the first encounter with you would be his last. He had read countless accounts of soulmates being filled with an incessant need to approach the other and he wasn’t immune to this. All night long after his shift, he had struggled to get you off his brain. With nothing to occupy his thoughts and sleep not invading him as he hoped it would, you were all he saw when he closed his eyes and the stream of questions he now had over who you were kept him awake for most of the night. He was used to exhaustion due to his job but when he arrived at the hospital the next day, he felt unnecessarily tired. It was a different kind of exhaustion and he wasn’t used to the feeling of being worn down by so many unanswered questions. He cursed being someone who sought answers for everything within his life.

Jinyoung had been reviewing patient files much later into the day in his office when he felt the hairs stick up on the back of his neck and the racing of his heart. He stopped, waiting to confirm the feeling with something more obvious but he knew you had to be back in the hospital. He pulled out a card he had prepared earlier in case he met with you again today and rushed out of his office, listening to your steps and following them until you came into sight. It made him rock back on his heels at seeing you again, and since you were much closer this time he immediately felt awkward.

He had no issues in talking with people from all walks of life yet with you he felt juvenile, like a teenager who had his first crush. Jinyoung closed his eyes to settle the notion; after all, you were technically his first chance at liking anyone.

“Hello,” he managed, trying not to get caught up in your gaze. Your eyes were already his favourite part to you and he purposely looked above you, attempting to treat this as a professional conversation. If he could instruct a team full of interns and nurses, he could easily talk with you, right?

“Uh, hello.”

From his investigations, he knew becoming familiar on a first name basis with your soulmate would evoke further desire from proclaiming their name into existence. He didn’t want that for either of you and instead addressed the real need he had in finding you. He wanted to take you out for a meal to tell you why he didn’t believe in soulmates and simmer down any hopes you had in this being the relationship’s beginning. A small part of him had thought now at the age of twenty-nine that he would have avoided you for good. He had hoped you hadn’t existed at all. It would have been far easier than it was standing across from you now and feeling many physical needs to get much closer than he already was to you.

He was so wrapped up in battling with these urges that when his name fell from your lips he froze entirely. His name echoed over in his mind with the way you had said it, and he felt all his airways suddenly cease to work properly. He looked at you like a deer in headlights and you yourself narrowed your focus on his reaction. It annoyed him, had you no idea what kind of weight you had just thrown on top of him? He felt crushed by the repetition of your sweet voice within his head and it took all of Jinyoung’s strength to break free from it.

His name wasn’t uncommon and he had heard it countless times. But he hoped to never hear it from you again, even if it made his heart thump against the restriction in his chest in a way that sung out for you to say it to him over and over.

He knew he had to escape you, especially when you seemed pleased to see signs of his struggle. You had to know what you had done then and it made him angry, spitting out a few words before hastily retreating back to his office. Once inside the enclosed space, he leaned against the door and sucked in some deep breaths to steady himself, shaking his head slowly at how affected he was.

Today the connection with you had won.

He had almost cancelled dinner with you several times. He knew it would be the most logical way to discuss your connection, but the longer he thought about it, Jinyoung grew more concerned. Just how much damage could such a meeting cause? He was still struggling with your voice on repeat in his brain and work had been harder than it should’ve been to concentrate on. If this was the affect you would have on him from just two brief moments in time, how would an entire meal serve him?

Jinyoung didn’t want to admit he was scared. His usual collected composure was impossible to keep in check with all the fantasies he had in the last twenty-four hours of you. During his teenage years, he had only one focus and dating had never crossed his mind. Was he making up for lost time with all these delicious images? They equally repulsed him though; he couldn’t understand why he was so worked up over you. Jinyoung was sick of it all and wished to go back to how things were before he met you, and that was the only thing that fuelled him on to meet you at the restaurant.

The maître d mentioned his guest was already waiting in the private room and he followed her down the hallway to the sliding door that kept you out of sight. Taking a steadying breath, Jinyoung thanked her and stepped inside. When he caught your gaze, he immediately felt like he was sinking again. It was hard to accept the immediate build of desire he felt for you and he sat down across from you awkwardly. He already wanted to escape this situation, and Jinyoung grew frustrated with his cowardly approach, taking another heavy breath to settle some of his nerves.

He thanked you for coming as simply as he could, avoiding your gaze and looking for something to occupy him. Jinyoung could tell you were offended by his lack of pleasantries and for some reason, he liked this, he felt like he could use that emotion as leverage in this otherwise difficult situation.

“Shall we choose something to eat?” he finally asked, knowing if he stalled he would lose his ability to even talk to you. It was strange, he had never wanted to talk to his soulmate but now he was here, he wanted to hear everything you had to say. Was it the way your voice had haunted him since yesterday? Did he have some kind of need to continue hearing even simple words fall from your luscious lips? Just looking at your mouth made him uncomfortable with the inner thoughts he was experiencing and he reached forward for a menu hastily, needing something to occupy his mind.

When you grabbed the other end though, it stunned him. Yesterday when he had passed you his card he hadn’t felt like this, maybe because he had been so desperate for the situation to be over and done with. Tonight, in this private setting and with you looking gorgeous in your navy dress however, he was affected by even the slight differences in your breathing. It made sense the object you held now felt alive between you and sent a jolt through his arm as if you had touched him yourself. He wanted to drop the menu and grab your hand instead. Blinking rapidly at this new desire, he let go of the connection you had and busied himself with reaching for the second menu.

A small gasp left you then and he swallowed heavily, thrusting the menu up in front of his face and started an internal pep-talk to pull himself together. He felt pathetic; all his proclamations over the years were now feeble in front of you. It was a lot harder to resist temptation than he ever thought it would be.

For a short moment, as he scanned the menu, he felt misplaced guilt for all the anger he had carried around for his sister and her actions years ago. If he felt like this over you, well, he could understand why his sister couldn’t turn away the criminal she loved from first sight. He knew your gaze was on him in that moment and when he looked up, he felt a pang of sadness. You couldn’t help the urge to want to know more about him either. He sighed; being someone’s soulmate was far too complicated.

“Have you found something?” he asked, looking away but softening his gaze all the same. You could enjoy a meal together; he owed you that at the very least. “Shall I order for the both of us?”

You nodded and he felt dejected, you still hadn’t spoken yet. Was this punishment for his attitude towards you so far? Jinyoung pressed the button on the table for service and ordered the meal, looking over at you hesitantly when you were alone again. Your eyes avoided Jinyoung’s now and he stared at you for some time, the ghost of a smile playing on his lips. He could tell you were someone he could easily fall in love with and for a moment, he allowed those notions to overwhelm him.

But Jinyoung didn’t want to fall in love with anyone and grew annoyed at getting swept up in the juvenile feelings again. He thought back to his sister and scowled. You looked perfectly fine, and so had the man she loved. He knew nothing about you and entertaining romantic notions was unacceptable. He was thankful for the arrival of your meal and began to eat, focusing on cutting each part of his food with precision.

And then you called out his name. “Jinyoung?”

The only response was the clatter of his fork from his hand as the intensity of your voice swelled his mind. He was drowning in the immense pleasure his name now gave him. It took too much energy to restrain his thoughts but he soon reached for his fork. Jinyoung gripped at the utensil and composed himself. “Yes?”

“I’d appreciate if we just got to the reason to this meeting. Dinner is very nice and all but with no conversation, it just makes us strangers.”

“Isn’t that what we are?” he replied instantly, groaning internally at how immature the statement was. He knew better than that, even if you had been strangers until two days ago. Your eyes were hard and he knew he couldn’t avoid it anymore. He had the desire to know your name, the one he had previously refused to speak into existence. You had said his name twice now and you hadn’t once felt what he had. It urged him to ask for it and you offered your name immediately. It was as beautiful as you were and he felt joy with hearing your name next to his in his mind. He uttered it without any regard, too lost in how giddy it made him feel to hear it.

But when he glanced at you, he could see visibly what he had felt himself. You looked lost, your hands gripping at your own utensils so hard that your knuckles were white. He smiled then, satisfied that you had at least suffered now as he had. Though he was genuine too, he liked that you knew how your name felt to him. He wondered if you were enjoying the sensation of your names intertwining together and he watched you struggle to surface from the emotions now overwhelming you. It then dawned on Jinyoung what he had done and how he hadn’t wanted this. He had gotten caught up in the moment again.

Placing down his utensils, you blinked out of your stupor and he sighed. “Shall I be blunt with you, Y/N?”

He hadn’t realised your name had fallen from his lips so easily until it had and he watched your eyes flicker with exasperation. “Of course, Jinyoung.”

He deserved that.

All the same, he took another breath before continuing. “I don’t believe in the whole soulmate expectancy on life. I know it exists, I know you exist. But I had been hoping that I wouldn’t ever meet you.”

Your processing of his statement hurt him more than he expected it to. There was instant anguish in your eyes and he wished he could take it back, to remove the despair you were openly showing. He was surprised by how much he had hurt you, and further, how much it bothered him that he had. You recovered, guarding your eyes so he couldn’t see your emotions as well anymore.

“If it makes you feel more at ease, I had hoped to become a minority.”

“You what?” he breathed, amazed that you could want the same as he. Why though, did it upset him to hear that? He had openly dismissed your connection and now that you were doing it back, he didn’t like it one bit. It confused him and you seemed to gain the upper hand in that moment. You told him that you believed in soulmates but you assumed there was some mistake. He wasn’t following you entirely and you grew more vindictive out of your pain.

“After all, you just so easily dismissed my existence. You hoped to never meet me? Well, I hoped to marry my best friend. We don’t get what we want though, Park Jinyoung. Life is destined before we get a choice. And in this lifetime I was ill-fated to be matched with you.”

“Ill-fated?!” he exclaimed, insulted that you could say such a thing. That was what his sister had faced. He was capable and successful; there was nothing that would make him a mistake in your life. And who was this best friend? He felt dizzy, annoyed and worked up over something that had he allowed clarity into, would be a perfect way to escape his destiny with you. But he wasn’t thinking straight and he felt the need to further explain himself, yet you gave him no way in, glaring at him as you accused him of making more excuses.

In that moment, he was highly attracted to you. Your frustrations had made you flushed from your anger and it made his heart beat out of rhythm. He smiled. “You’re feisty. It’s a change from the meek Y/N of before.”

“I’d appreciate if you didn’t say my name from here out, considering how we’re strangers,” you continued and he had to bite back his laughter at how adorable you were. Why was he like this? Just moments ago he was offended, and before that, upset by this situation. Jinyoung felt as if he was experiencing whiplash from all the emotions tugging him back and forth and needed to draw a decisive line, to control them again as he had his whole life. These new emotions were far too draining on his mental health. He nodded slowly, realising he only had now to establish any chance of avoiding your connection. You were already shut off behind a wall that he had helped start building, though he was certain he was capable enough of pulling it down if he wanted to reach out for you. And he did. He wanted to make you his forever.

But his pride was too outspoken and his normal childhood years that were robbed from him by this pride and incessant need to do the opposite of his sister was still there. He couldn’t ignore it and before he realised it, he had delivered the words he had wanted to from the beginning. He was dedicated to the hospital and his career, not to you.

You accepted his decision with ease, getting up and thrusting your hand out at him. It felt like a trap, he knew if he touched you that he’d regret it. Jinyoung knew as soon as he walked away from this evening he was going to regret it anyway and was compelled by your reckless offering. He grabbed your hand instantly, barely focusing on the last words you said to him with your forced smile.

“May we never meet again.”

You left then and he sat there, knowing no one was going to win from this outcome.

Jinyoung didn’t want to admit life without you was harder than he imagined it would be. At first, he threw all of his focus into his work, staying back late and picking up extra shifts to distract him from the ache within his chest. It worked as an immediate remedy but over time he was still struggling without you. Whoever it was that you were visiting the hospital for had obviously been discharged soon after your final meeting. Or you had chosen that it wasn’t vital to visit anymore. He soon gave up waiting to hear the unique sounds of your steps coming towards him.

After a year, Jinyoung hit an all time low. His family had finally heard from his sister and initially, it was a relief to know she was still alive and not in jail as they had feared for her. When he received a message that she was at the family home, he had left the hospital in a rush, driving all the way to the house to see her with his own eyes. It was as if he was looking at a stranger. Whilst she bore a similar resemblance to his mother, she was a ghost of the vibrant teenager she had been the last time he saw her. And attached to her leg was a tiny child that looked very much so like that man. He couldn’t control his anger and tried to make her leave since she had done such a good job of that years ago.

And she planned to do it again too.

“I don’t want him to live my life,” she begged, crying as she pried his toddler fingers away from her. “I need him to grow up some place safe.”

“You should have thought about that when you created him!” Jinyoung shot back even though he was defeated. Her eyes were desperate as she grasped onto his lower arm, his parents picking up her son and welcoming him in without further argument. They hadn’t been able to save her, but he knew they would do everything to make sure their grandson grew up safe. Jinyoung closed his eyes as he shook with his emotions.

“Don’t live like me Jinyoung, don’t do anything you’d regret,” she advised before she walked out of their lives again, leaving everyone grieving after her a second time.

He hated her for those words. They enticed him day and night, and he brooded over what they meant. Jinyoung had lived his life by the book. He had a successful career, his own home and car, he was set for life. How dare his sister insinuate he had something in life to regret? Jinyoung had been a model teenager and at age thirty he was now feeling rebellious. They said it came easy to those who were still without a soulmate, minorities often turned to things in their life they hadn’t experienced before since they had kept their slate clean for any potential soulmate. And even though Jinyoung had you, he didn’t have you now. He needed to test the advice his sister had given him, just how much could he regret in life?

A fellow doctor in his department, Jackson Wang, invited him out to celebrate his birthday and for the first time, Jinyoung actually agreed to go. He knew the man was a minority and the strip club was his first place to visit on his special day after work. Jinyoung found himself fascinated that there was a need for such a place, downing a couple of shots and letting the festivities excite him for some reason. Never had Jinyoung been in such a situation and he felt free from his usual structured life. Jackson noticed this and encouraged him out more often, and each time Jinyoung let the stress of his work life go when he was in the company of Jackson and his friends. Soon, he realised he had ignored making friends for too long and he was greedy for more experiences, wrapped up in the cheers of his new friends to do more with his life.

He was more than a doctor and he’d prove that.

But whenever they mentioned he should look for a minority woman of his own, Jinyoung was hesitant. He hadn’t told anyone he’d met you and technically he wasn’t a minority at all. Just the idea of being close to another woman made his skin crawl. He was used to the endless sensations in his hand from touching you almost two years ago now. He liked that feeling and he hated the idea of others tainting that. But too many drinks later he eventually found himself in the lap of a woman who looked just like you.

In his intoxicated state, he wondered if it was actually you. He squinted up, his glasses missing from his face now that the alcohol had overtaken him. He wasn’t a composed doctor here and needing his glasses seemed silly. All the same, he asked if she knew him and she giggled, placing a hand on his chest and trailing it down. She said she wanted to know more of him and Jinyoung was excited. Did you really want to know more about him too? He had wanted to give you all of him back then. But he had been a coward. Now though, Jinyoung wanted nothing more than to have all of you.

The woman accepted his embrace, giggling often and he smiled lazily against her. He had never heard you laugh and he wondered if it was really this high. His skin pulsated as his face was moved up to hers and he blinked a few times, realising it wasn’t you at all. You weren’t anything like the woman that held him now. He struggled against her with his weakened limbs, the alcohol making him clumsier than usual. And then she smiled warmly, telling him it would be alright. That she would make him feel better. Would she? Would she take away all the pain he felt? When her lips found his, he knew she wouldn’t, but he kissed her back bitterly.

Nothing but you would make him right again.

It was three years on from his rebellion yet Jinyoung still felt like there was something missing in his life. He had a couple of career advancements and had finally found a group of friends that suited who he was. He often helped his parents out with Jindae, his nephew, and he actually liked being an uncle. Jinyoung had new hobbies he did when he wasn’t at the hospital and he even joined a gym.

But none of them fulfilled him. He craved what he thought he never wanted. A family with you.

It wasn’t as if he wasn’t proactive in his search for you. He had tried to find you. But with not even a last name to go by, he had struggled. Jinyoung wondered if you had moved on, moved away from here and made it even harder for him to rediscover you. Perhaps it was much too late for him, he didn’t know. He continued with his soulmate studies, especially on nights where his hand tingled for hours on end. He would often smile down at that connection, hoping that it meant you were out there thinking of him. Even though he had been a jerk the last time you had seen him, he was hopeful for another chance.

“Are you paying attention, Park?” his friend Jaebum asked as the squash ball flew passed him and he blinked out of his thoughts, retrieving the ball to hit it again. They lobbied it back and forth against the wall when suddenly his hand started to ache. It happened now and then with the other sensations he got but it felt worse for some reason today. Jinyoung gripped at the racquet in attempts to ignore the pain but it was no use, it was forever present even when their indoor squash session was over.

“Are you thinking of her again?” his friend asked as they got changed out of their active clothes and Jinyoung looked over at Jaebum. The man looked concerned. “I’ve searched as much as I can through our systems at the station. Are you sure she wasn’t a ghost?”

Admittedly, Jinyoung would have preferred that. Then you would visit him and he would be able to do more than just talk to himself in his home when he was desperate to tell you things. It had been a way to deal with the ache in his chest, although he hadn’t gone as far as telling the police officer that much.

Jaebum sighed. “Do you want me to do another look for Y/N?”

“Maybe it’s for the best, she’s probably found some minority and-”

“That’s not what your heart wants though,” Jaebum cut in, slinging an arm around his shoulders. “You want to hear her again, to see her and tell her how sorry you were for back then. Don’t give up. It took me years to find Kat again but it was worth it. I’m not buying your defeatist attitude at all.”

“Another topic?” Jinyoung suggested and with a roll of his eyes, Jaebum grinned.

“Lunch?”

“Your shout?”

Jaebum jumped on him playfully. “It should be your shout Doctor; my poor Constable salary is looking a bit empty!”

“Fine, fine,” Jinyoung agreed, going over to his car to put away his equipment bag. And then he was overwhelmed with a sense of dread, gripping onto the back door longer than necessary.

“You okay?”

Jinyoung looked up at Jaebum, puzzled. “I think so. I just feel like something bad is going to happen.”

“Huh. Your ghost is now helping you with premonitions too?” Although it sounded like a joke, Jaebum was too serious for it to reach Jinyoung like one. They stared at each other for a moment and then Jinyoung sighed.

“Rain-check?”

Jaebum nodded. “Let me know if anything comes from this.”

Once in his car, Jinyoung drove around mindlessly. He didn’t know what he was meant to be doing but he felt like he was needed somewhere, that someone needed him. It was at a set of lights when he heard a scream inside his head. At first, he thought his brain was conjuring something just to have an answer for the state he was in. But the ache in his arm increased and urgency took over, Jinyoung swinging the car around in the opposite direction.

He drove to the hospital, running into the building and darted around frantically. He worked here and knew these halls off by heart and yet it seemed to take him too long to make it to the Emergency Department, heaving in a deep breath as he scanned the rows of beds. Why was he looking for you? He hoped that he wouldn’t find you here at the same time that he begged for you to appear in front of him too. When he rounded the corner, he knew you were there with how his body reacted and pushed forward; following the feeling within him until he ran into the cubicle you laid within.

His eyes caught yours briefly before he turned to the nurse questioning his appearance on his day off, demanding she gave him the information he needed. He was panicking. The idea that you were before him sent relief all throughout his system temporarily, but hospitals weren’t a place he’d wish any of his loved ones to end up. Were you badly hurt or sick? Jinyoung read the current prognosis was a broken leg and concussion. Without thinking, he went into work mode, ensuring everything that could be done was done. You needed his proficiency and he had been a doctor for too long to let you down in your treatment.

As he was ordering the nurse to get you booked in for a cast, your hand grabbed at his arm, and Jinyoung snapped his focus to yours. You looked so fragile, so little within the bed with your eyes wide like that. It hurt him more than he thought it would. Anyone else who came in with a broken leg wouldn’t have even bothered him. But it was you and he had failed to keep you safe.

Jinyoung didn’t deserve your need for him in that moment, and he slipped away from you, focusing on what he could do best for you.

It took him some time within his office to calm down. You were safe, and he had ensured you would be admitted after your cast was on. But he couldn’t shake this feeling of letting you down. What had happened to you? Could he have prevented it if he was in your world before today? He cursed his younger self for the umpteenth time before answering his phone. You had been admitted.

He decided he would visit you in your room. It wasn’t the right time to be apologising; it wouldn’t seem as sincere as he wanted it to be. With you on heavy medication and the stress of your injury, the last thing you needed was your soulmate confessing to all his sins.

Jinyoung opted to give you company instead.

You stared up at his arrival and he stood there, allowing you the moment to look at him. He did the same thing back, soaking in all the ways you had changed over the last five years. It was hard not to judge your appearance right now, considering you were the sick one. He knew you were lacking in nutrients from the blood test he had requested, and that was evident with the pallor of your skin. Had you fainted? Had something else happened? Jinyoung needed answers and approached you lying in the bed, asking how you felt.

You scoffed at his concern. “How would you feel with a broken leg and an aching body?”

He couldn’t help but smile. “I see you’re still sassy.”

“Only when it comes to you.”

He grew silent, knowing his appearance bothered you. But the longer he stayed; he could tell you were relaxing in his company. It gave him hope that you wanted him there. Questions plagued him and he tried to make sense of the situation. He asked you how it happened and you were instantly confused when he mentioned what he had experienced. For someone who had told him how badly you wanted to meet your soulmate, you seemed to have little information on how the connection actually worked.

Perhaps he had too much knowledge and most people were surprised when things like this happened. All the same, he felt overwhelmed with how connected he was to you after all this time. He confirmed you felt the tingling sensation in your hand, and he realised it was because of that you had been distracted and hurt yourself. He didn’t want to let it inflate him too much but knowing he had been on your mind today excited him as much as your immature response to him did.

Having you injured also hurt him. He looked at you lying in the bed in poor taste. “I never gave you permission to do this to me. Why would you hurt yourself like this?”

“I’m so sorry for the inconvenience.” Your tongue was venomous, but your eyes showed desperation. Even as you tried to tell him to leave, he played around with you, trying to evoke more emotion from you. He wanted to see if you really wanted him to go and your excuses were weak. He grinned. Jinyoung knew there was no true protest within you.

After establishing you were unable to sleep due to your concussion, he asked you to tell him about yourself. Jinyoung waited with bated breath, hoping you would tell him something, anything. Surprisingly, you didn’t struggle to tell him everything. In fact, the longer you talked, the happier you became. You laughed at memories you shared and you genuinely anticipated his own reactions too.

When you asked him about his own history, he was careful. He wanted to tell you everything, and in some ways he did. He mentioned he had a hard upbringing due to a tragedy in the family, and how he had trained to be a doctor. You were fascinated by his world much like he had been of yours, and one day he hoped to tell you all the things he omitted. Today wasn’t the day though, and when he noticed how tired you were, he knew it was time to let you sleep. Jinyoung wasn’t going to let you go so easily this time and he knew you couldn’t leave the hospital until he signed the discharge forms. Further, he had all your personal information now. Jinyoung felt equipped to leave you to rest, even though he knew it would be a struggle for him to be away from you.

You seemed to dread his departure as well. “Is this going to be a dream? When I wake up tomorrow, will you be gone again?”

“I thought you wanted me to leave?” he teased lightly, smiling at how vulnerable you appeared. You were reaching out to him with your eyes and he chuckled with how happy it made him. “I have work tomorrow, so I’ll definitely be here.”

“Yes, but I meant-”

“I know what you mean, Y/N,” he told you, unable to hold back from tousling your hair affectionately. Your reaction fuelled him on and Jinyoung stared at you for a moment before leaning down, brushing his lips over your forehead. “I’ll be here.”

And he knew he would be from here on out.

Bringing you home was a treat he had looked forward to since he has signed your discharge papers. He had taken the time off to drive you home and even though he knew where you lived, he had fun teasing you about checking the files openly when you tried to refuse his hospitality.

Once at your apartment, you seemed impatient to get away from him. He knew you didn’t want him to leave you, the nurses had told him throughout the day that you had mentioned him in conversation more than once. All the same, your anxious reaction caused the warmth in his heart to damper. He knew he had to push a little harder.

As you hobbled inside the apartment, you turned to farewell him but Jinyoung moved around you, using the crutches you were hobbling on to his advantage and took in the state of your home. He had expected you to be different from him. Even as a child you sounded carefree, and your home now as an adult showed signs of your priorities. It made him smile in delight, noticing all your charms within your belongings.

You were embarrassed though and he couldn’t help but tease you about it. You cried out in horror when he noticed your dishes and went to clear them, following him as quickly as you could on your crutches, and losing your balance on the unevenness of the ground. Before you could steady yourself, Jinyoung was there, holding you up and staring at you wide-eyed.

Every inch of him felt on fire as he held you to him. The sensations he was used to were dull in comparison to how he felt right now. And when you looked up at him it became impossible to breathe. Sinful thoughts filled his mind and urged him to take you, to show you just how much he felt for you since the first time he met you. He ached to see all of you, emotionally and physically, and he felt as if he was swimming up-current, being crushed against a rock as he tried to escape his feelings.

He let you go, not because he wanted to but before he did anything that you might feel was too rushed. “Be more careful.”

You were just as affected as he was, struggling to come to terms with every minute feeling you had just felt. He could tell when you distantly mentioned about changing for bed and headed to your room that you were battling against those emotions as much as he was. Jinyoung smiled as he cleaned up your kitchen for you, and looked around your home. It wasn’t going to be easy for you to do simple tasks with how everything was arranged, and he deciphered the most obvious routes from your bedroom and bathroom doors to your living area, moving your sofa along so it would take fewer steps to get to the kitchen. He still wasn’t satisfied you would be okay to be on your own and eyed the sofa with high interest, wondering how comfortable it would be to set up camp there.

Jinyoung’s eyes then flickered to the door that hid you from him and he sighed, thinking about your bed. It was strange with how accepting he was with all these emotions. Never had he expected to be someone who would race ahead in a relationship. But this wasn’t just any relationship. His soul was begging for yours as much as he rationally was falling for you. And when he thought over the past five years, he realised he had been ready for this moment for a lot longer than just the few days he had been back in your company for.

Approaching the door, he knocked on it once and asked if you were done. You called out in farewell and he frowned, not understanding how you could do so without seeing him again. Opening the door, he asked what you meant and then came to a standstill at your appearance. You had only a large bed shirt on and nothing else. Were you trying to kill him?! Jinyoung eyed your legs hungrily, feeling the simmering urges from before overwhelm him again.

“Do you ever knock?!”

“I did,” he pointed at the door he vaguely was aware he held, his eyes still glued to your thighs. “I knocked.”

“You don’t just enter the room when someone starts talking though!”

“You were telling me to leave, how was I meant to know it was because you were scantily dressed?!” Just admitting what he saw out-loud made him heave in a breath. He tried to be modest about his gaze, not that you were helping any. It was impossible and he stared shamelessly at you as you groaned.

“Go home.”

“No.”

You told him you were fine, but Jinyoung wasn’t. He moved across the room, forgetting all about being mindful of your hesitance. All he could think about was the time he wasted. The two years where he let his pride win and the three where he couldn’t find you. It was all such a waste and before he could stop himself, he started confessing to his mistakes. “Why was I stupid to let you go back then?”

He was much closer to you now and it was evident you were warming to the idea of the lust enshrouding the bedroom. Your feeble attempt to warn him was shut down by the way your body leaned into his, and he offered you a chance to refute his advances, to tell him that being with him was the last thing you wanted. You merely gazed into Jinyoung’s eyes, sinking into them further and blindly reached out for him. Your desires had won and Jinyoung wasted no time in taking you in his arms, enjoying the heat emanating from within.

“I was a fool for not doing this five years ago when I wanted to,” he told you and leaned down to taste you for the first time and Jinyoung’s mind came undone as soon as you kissed him back. The fire became unbearable and his hands roamed and gripped at you as he equally attempted to rein in the passion bursting from deep within him. You were opening up to him further though, your caresses and demands of your hot mouth enticing further danger of combusting from the heat that overtook you both. The first kiss moved into a second, and then was followed by a third and forth before you both finally separated for much needed air. You stared up at Jinyoung in wonder, and he felt your heart transfer to him then, openly allowing him to have it, to have you.

It made him smile and rest his forehead against yours after pecking your swollen lips again. “I’m cursing you for breaking your leg right now even though it’s the reason we’re together like this.”

“Why?” He gave you a knowing look and you caught onto his desires as you gripped at him more tightly. “Oh.”

“And it’s going to take about eight more weeks until your cast is off too,” he muttered with a pout. He liked the attention you gave him and played up for you, your smile growing at his antics. “Why are you making me wait so long to make you mine?”

“Aren’t I already?” you offered and Jinyoung felt another wave of pure elation overwhelm him, his lips finding yours and kissing you until you whined from the pain in your leg. Jinyoung cringed lightly and he helped you sit down, as a doctor, he should have known that leg needed elevation. As he crouched down in front of you though, he struggled with the thoughts of laying you down in your bed and placed his hands on your thighs instead, grappling at some decency to not just lay you down beside him all the same. You removed them hastily as you darted your gaze around, your face flushed with a similar need. It made him grin watching you attempt to settle down your own thirst.

“In about five weeks you should be okay.”

“I can’t believe we’re scheduling this,” you said with a laugh and Jinyoung shrugged, moving his hands back to your lap.

“Don’t want to wait?”

“Three days ago you didn’t care if I existed or not.” He stared at you for a moment and shook his head. Is that how you had truly thought all these years? As he had desperately searched for you and dreamed of holding you in his arms every night, you were living here in your cluttered apartment telling yourself that you didn’t need him because he wasn’t thinking of you? He wasn’t something that could fit into your overflowing bookshelf, something you had shoved back there to forget about him over the years.

“I cared from the first moment I saw you. I just wanted to be the best doctor I could be and let my pride rule out what my heart wanted. You made it easy for me to do that too.”

“And now?”

“Now I want to complete you and live our lives together,” he answered truthfully and you smiled giddily at him. He noticed how uncomfortable you were perched on the bed and smiled smugly as he continued. “I can be a pretty good doctor on the side. Doctor’s orders, it’s time for you to put your leg up and rest.”

“Is the Doctor going off-duty now too?” He couldn’t help but kiss you softly again once he had you comfortably in your bed.

“I should go home unless you need me to stay.” You wrestled over what to say and he chuckled. “I’ll go home. Five weeks will be even harder if I allow myself to sleep at your side tonight.”

There was an unspoken complaint from both of you at his statement, and the empty space beside you in the bed called out to him. He teased you a little longer and you continued to whine for him, making his heart beat faster at the way you openly showed a need to rely on him.

“I’ll see you tomorrow then. And every day after that too,” he promised after your final warning that he needed to leave before you both did something about the lust that was still brewing.

“Until when?”

He kissed you passionately, thinking over how much more there was to do with you. He had a lot to tell you, and even though there was your connection as soulmates, there was a lot to adapt to. He wanted you to move in with him, and he wanted to put a ring on your finger. Marriage was definitely something coming in the future after the endless hours of passion and catching up physically from the lost years. Then there was a chance to travel, to experience the world together. And more passion too. Jinyoung knew he’d never get enough of all of you and he’d only tasted just your lips. He looked you over after pulling away from your lips, trying to decipher just how much time all this would take. He smiled.

“Forever.”

________________

Next: Forever

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nadziejastar · 5 years ago

Text

Axel and Roxas's Dysfunctional Relationship

Maybe a body without a heart just disappears, if it’s got nothing to do, Axel thought. Nobodies have no hearts. Pretending to be humans with hearts, we laugh, get angry, make expressions. We can think, but… but we don’t have hearts.

In the world made from Roxas’ memories, Roxas had three friends the same age, but I wasn’t there. Roxas had smiled in that world. Like he was having fun. Like he’d been there all along.

It’s a place of lies Naminé made from his own memories, but maybe, that’s the real Roxas. Not clad in a black coat, but playing with friends his own age, laughing, eating ice-cream, wandering around—like Sora.

This post is going to be about Axel and Roxas’s relationship and how misunderstood and mishandled it really was in KH3. I once had an Akuroku shipper tell me that I was downplaying Axel’s feelings for Roxas because of my preference for LeaIsa. I don’t really think that’s true. I think Axel’s feelings were very strong and important. They were just very misunderstood and inappropriately romanticized.

And in any case, from what I’ve seen, it was always Roxas’s feelings towards Axel that got overlooked by shippers. Even if you ignore the age difference, Axel and Roxas’s relationship was pretty one-sided in KH2. That was the whole idea. Axel’s story was meant to be tragic because Roxas was not as invested in being “best friends” as Axel was. After 358/2 Days, it was obvious that Roxas and Axel did have a genuine friendship and Roxas did care about Axel.

The fact that the members of Organization XIII shared the same goal did nothing to make them close with one another. Some among them had been friendly back when they were human. Whether that made any difference to the others, Axel didn’t know, and he didn’t need to know.

For a member of the organization, there was only one goal—to obtain a heart.

But just because we have no hearts doesn’t mean we feel nothing, thought Axel. We just know that we’re…incomplete somehow. When we were told that what we each lack is a heart, it made perfect sense. Because we definitely lack something.

But Roxas still never displayed the same intense devotion that Axel did, and that was still a VERY important theme in their relationship. The story needed a way to address Roxas and Axel’s dysfunctional and imbalanced relationship, while still keeping things open for a healthy friendship between them down the road. And they did (at least until KH3). The bottom line is that Axel and Roxas were NOT really “best friends” like Sora and Riku were. That was supposed to be very important.

Axel always seemed to be using the idea of having a best friend as a coping mechanism. His fixation on Roxas was not meant to be seen as healthy or endearing. He was willing to harm Kairi and Sora just to see Roxas. He wasn’t trying to see Roxas because they were such close friends. He was trying to see Roxas because he had VERY severe issues. He was broken. Axel was a very maladjusted person. When I first played KH2, I got the sense that if Axel hadn’t disappeared at the end, he would have just started stalking Sora instead. It was never really about Roxas OR Sora.

And then, Nobodies without hearts wish for only one thing. A heart. If I was asked if I wanted a heart, I guess I’d answer that I did. But, do I really want a heart? Can a heart really fill this hollowness I’ve carried since I fell into existence as a Nobody?

It was more about finding someone—anyone—to make Axel feel like he had a heart. That’s what he was truly obsessed with. He felt like he was lacking some fundamental aspect of being human. Roxas was a special Nobody because he was born with a heart—Ventus’s heart. He had an emotional capacity that other Nobodies didn’t, which always fascinated Axel. Roxas gave Axel hope that maybe he had a heart, too. And he desperately wanted to believe that he did. He wasn’t even convinced that having a heart would heal his emptiness.

“If I return with you in tow, I get to live without being branded as a traitor,” he said with a wry grin.

“Maybe. Axel, what do you want to do?”

“Avoid being eliminated ideally.”

“So you’re offering me up to the organization?”

“…Well, you see any other options?” His expression was frozen in a forced smile.

He had no ideas. He didn’t know what to do. And he had no heart and thus no emotions to guide him, either.

And it wasn’t just about friendship, either. Axel did almost destroy Roxas, after all. Roxas was innocent and made Axel remember his childhood. But despite how lonely Axel was, he didn’t decide to chase after Roxas until after he was already branded a traitor by the organization. He even tried to go back to the organization after Roxas went back to Sora. He only started “stalking” Roxas when he was completely out of options and had absolutely no other place to go.

The moon was a heart. The very thing he could never have. In the end, he hadn’t been able to find anywhere to go. So here he was, back in this city of glowing skyscrapers.

If I’m trying to get away from Saïx—from the organization itself—what am I doing here?

The truth struck home—Nobodies had no place where they belonged.

“Now what do I do…?” he muttered, his face still upturned to the distant moon.

A heart. Maybe the answer was closer than he thought.

More than anything, Axel wanted someplace where he belonged. He thought he needed a heart for that, which is why he wanted one so badly.

“We don’t disappear… We’re only reborn,” Naminé murmured, perhaps to herself.

“I’m not like you and Roxas,” Axel said flatly. His hand holding the ice pop stick paused in midair.

“But—but you…” She looked down, clenching her fists.

“It’s because I don’t have a heart,” Axel went on. “I don’t want to disappear, but I’m not upset or sad about it.”

Without a heart, Axel thought a Nobody would just disappear leaving nothing behind. Lea always wanted to live forever, so the thought of disappearing without a heart deeply unsettled him. Terrified him, actually. It was a constant source of dread looming over his shoulders. His anxiety got so bad, he couldn’t even fight Dusks because destroying them reminded him of when he would inevitably disappear, too.

Axel: You know, I've been thinking about something Naminé said. Roxas...are you really sure that you don't have a heart? Is it possible that we all have one? You, me, her... Or is that just wishful thinking?

He thought that maybe, just maybe, if he had a heart, he would be able to go on existing, instead of just vanishing into nothing. Axel knew he was going to disappear, it was only a matter of when. He knew he had no hope of returning to a “normal” life ever again. He just didn't want to disappear alone. He wanted to know that there would be someone waiting to see him on the other side.

When Axel was trying to bring Roxas back, his intentions weren't exactly innocent. It wasn’t so just so he could see his best friend and then they could go back to eating ice cream together. It was because Axel was preparing for the end. He wanted someone to disappear with. He was in a very dark state of mind. He was terrified of non-existence and he was using Roxas as a way to deal with that fear.

Ansem: He could feel Sora.

DiZ: Oh, he told you how he “felt,” did he? Ridiculous. A Nobody cannot feel anything.

Ansem: If he had met Sora, things might have been different.

Riku: Maybe I didn’t need to fight him after all. I think he left the Organization because…he really wanted to meet you.

Axel spent most of KH2 trying to see Roxas again. But Roxas seemed more interested in other things. He wanted to know about Sora and his past. To be honest, he seemed to take his reunion with Axel for granted. Roxas perceived Axel as an uncomplicated guy who preferred to keep things light and casual. From his perspective, it wasn’t an inappropriate reunion or anything. Roxas just didn’t understand Axel. And Axel never let anyone get too close to him, so that’s to be expected.

Regardless, Roxas was never, ever going to be able to meet Axel’s emotional needs. He was never supposed to. It would be unfair to expect him to. The point was that Axel was placing an unfair burden on a kid who just wanted to play with his friends. Kids shouldn’t have to deal with adult issues. Axel knew that. He was trying to shelter Roxas from those very issues Days. But in KH2 he was so emotionally unstable, he turned to Roxas for support, even though he never looked to him for emotional support in Days. Axel did need emotional support back then, but he knew Roxas couldn’t really offer it.

Axel: I wanted to see Roxas. He…was the only one I liked… He made me feel…like I had a heart. It’s kind of…funny… You make me feel…the same…

What Axel desperately wanted and needed was to reunite with someone who wanted to see him as much as he wanted to see them. Someone who shared his level of emotional investment in them. Someone who desperately yearned to see him with all their heart. That is what he needed in order to heal his pain and have a truly happy ending.

Roxas: My role was to see if you were ready to take ownership of the hurt inside you. And now that role is done. Nothing left for me to do but…go away.

Sora: Go home?

Roxas: I don’t know if I have one, but…there’s a place I’d like to be.

Sora: Where? Huh? What’s this feeling? Memories, but…not mine. I see a place. A sunset. Comforting…but also sad. This is where I spent my first…and my last…

Roxas: …summer vacation.

And even though they did have a healthy friendship in Days, Roxas just didn’t offer that to Axel. Their relationship wasn’t open or honest enough for that level of intimacy. Even in Re:Coded, Roxas’s main source of “hurt” was that his summer vacation was over. And the dialogue was very similar to what Axel and Naminé talked about on Sunset Hill.

Axel: Man, I miss the old times. Still got it memorized? The day we met, when you got your new name, you and I sat right here and watched the sunset.

Roxas: Yeah. This place is home. Me… Hayner, Pence, Olette…We’ve shared a lot of adventures.

Axel: You’ll see them again. I know you will.

Roxas: Yeah, you’re right. Well, I should go.

Axel said he had no home. But he still expressed a desire to go somewhere and see someone. Roxas thought of Twilight Town as his home. When Axel was reminiscing about the time they spent together in Twilight Town, Roxas mentioned Hayner, Pence, and Olette. Those were the people he wanted to see the most. Axel reassured him that he would. Roxas wanted to be with kids his own age doing normal stuff. He was truly happy with them. Axel knew that. It’s why his story was so sad.

“What’s it like having a best friend?”

Stumped by that one, Axel turned to the sunset. Even if Nobodies could go around playacting friendship, Axel felt like pretending to be best friends was something else altogether. It just wasn’t in them. And he didn’t have a better answer.

He squinted in the blazing glow and finally said, “Couldn’t tell you. I haven’t got one.”

Roxas always envied Hayner, Pence, and Olette for their normal and happy lives. It’s why the ideal life constructed from his memories in the data world was living with them. Axel wasn’t even there. This is why I liked the twist with Saïx so much. Lea used to have his own best friend he ate ice cream and played with. He had his own normal happy life, just like Roxas did with the kids in Twilight Town.

That's the life he really wanted to go back to. Not the life of eating ice cream on the clock tower with Roxas. Thanks to Isa, Axel and Roxas’s relationship wasn’t so imbalanced anymore. They were pretty much the same. Axel wasn't really obsessed with Roxas. He was just trying to fill a void, both literally (his heart) and figuratively (his best friend).

“Well, nothing lasts forever,” Axel mumbled, looking off to the side again. “Least of all for a bunch of Nobodies. But, you know, hanging out every day isn’t the only thing that matters. We’ll still have one another, even if that changes.”

“Really?” Roxas perked up.

“Yeah. As long as we remember one another, we’ll never be apart. Got it memorized?”

In the manga, Roxas and Xion talked about running away and always being together on Day 96. In the game, Day 96 is when Roxas said he wanted to hang out together forever. Axel was pessimistic about it, and was clearly thinking about the past. When he said they’d never be apart, he said it for their sake, not his. In the game, Roxas suggested they all run away together on Day 352 ~Sunset~ and Axel said the same thing.

“—Hey, why don’t the three of us go off somewhere?” Roxas said.

“Huh?” Xion stared at Roxas. Axel didn’t say a thing.

“If we did, then surely, we could be together always.”

“We don’t have any place to run.” Xion shook her head.

“I know,” he mumbled. “I was just thinking out loud.”

Axel suddenly broke his silence. “Well, even if things change, we’ll never be apart—”

“—As long as we remember one another,” Xion finished. “Right?”

Day 352 was the day Roxas and Xion almost killed each other. They wanted to run away and be together forever. But Axel didn’t want to run away with them. At first, I think Lea and Isa thought they could just run away together, too. They couldn’t go home, but they could go off somewhere and always be together.

If he’s this gone, there’s nothing to do but bring him back, even if I have to drag him.

“Wait. Please explain what you mean.” At Roxas’ question, Axel paused.

That’s different. The open hostility is gone.

“Axel… what do you know?”

It’s not the first time Roxas has asked me that. I know. Yeah, I always know the things Roxas doesn’t. I know things I can’t tell Roxas. That’s why… I definitely couldn’t go.

Then they finally realized that they had nowhere to run from Xehanort. They couldn’t go off somewhere. But they could “go somewhere” together. That was the only way they could be together forever, like they wanted. Even as a Nobody, Axel still had hope that someday they could be together forever.

Can I destroy Roxas? Probably not. But I know what I can’t do. Xemnas and Saïx probably knew that as well. Maybe we can disappear together from here and go somewhere.

And that was the reason Axel didn’t want to run away and why he couldn’t go with Roxas when he defected. And also why Lea needed upside-down tear marks to stop himself from crying. Saïx only brought it up when Lea said he was dragging him home. Even with their poorly written canon relationship in KH3, Isa still obviously saw a side of Lea that was way more raw and emotional than what Roxas ever saw of Axel. Even though the scene in KH3 was written to emphasize that Axel and Saïx weren’t getting along and that Axel wanted to bring back Roxas the most...Saïx still knew him better than Roxas did.

“Axel…” The hostility disappeared from Roxas’ eyes.

I can’t find the spirit to fight this Roxas anymore. Here - there was nothing he could do but fade away.

“Let’s meet again in the next life,” he said, smiling just a little as he said those words, and Roxas nodded silently. “Yeah, I’ll be waiting.” Roxas answering seriously was somehow strange, and Axel laughed.

“Silly… you’d have a next life, but…” Axel said to Roxas–and his figure disappeared in the darkness of a portal he’d opened behind him.

When Axel asked Roxas to meet him again in the next life, he was thinking about disappearing together---“going somewhere”. But he knew that’s not what Roxas had in mind, so he laughed. And then...he just left.

“My role was to see if you were ready to take ownership of the hurt inside you. And now that role is done. Nothing left for me to do but…go away.”

“Go home?” Sora didn’t know what he meant by go “away.” Even if he was an illusion, going away sounded kinda…awful.

It’s obvious if you read between the lines that the person Axel really wanted to see in the next life was not Roxas—it was Isa. I don’t think I’m downplaying the importance of Axel’s relationship with Roxas by acknowledging that. Lea was closer to Isa than anyone else. At least that is how their relationship was originally envisioned.

Axel’s eyes crinkled as he remembered his own best friend—the only friend he’d ever had, in fact.

“If your best friend goes away, you’re sad, and if you get to be with them, you’re happy,” Naminé added. “Isn’t that how it is, Axel?”

“…That’s about the size of it.” Axel nodded and sat down on the remaining empty sofa, staring at the sea-salt ice cream he held.

“So you are capable of sincerity,” said Riku.

Axel only shrugged at the jab and finished his ice cream pop.

Axel was chasing after Roxas because he thought his real best friend had already gone away. Saïx didn’t care about Axel or want to see him anymore. He wanted him to disappear. Axel previously said that his memories of the past were too precious to lose. But the loss of his friendship with Isa was so painful he wanted to forget they were ever friends at all. Axel was utterly miserable in KH2.

Axel thrust his hand into his pocket, and took out the white envelope.

The memories of me and Roxas haven’t faded away. For now, that’s just fine.

“…Really feel like some ice cream,” Axel muttered, watching the sunset absently.

We were always together with the sunset. We talked about all kinds of things in that place. I think it’d be good if we could talk and eat ice cream there again someday. Now, there’s nothing but that. I only hope for that.

The setting sun was shining on Axel.

Axel took out the white envelope on Day 6, the day he decided he had to destroy Roxas. Then he immediately tried to bond with Saïx afterwards, even going so far as to joke about destroying Roxas. Then he took the envelope out again at the very end, on Day 7.

A lot of the things Axel did with Roxas were things he did with Isa. I’m sure the WINNER stick was the same. And I’m sure that this passage at the very end of “Axel 7 Days” referred even more to Isa than it did to Roxas. Sadly, all evidence suggests that Axel was using Roxas as a replacement Isa. Their friendship was very dysfunctional. There were a lot of issues that needed to be resolved. But it looks like they never will be.

“Hayner…”

I don’t know that name he muttered. It’s probably–those kids–Roxas’s friend’s name.

“Pence… Olette…”

This Roxas’s most important friends’ names.

This Roxas wouldn’t call my name like that.

“Hayner! Pence! Olette!” Roxas cried, Axel sprang–into a dark space.

Roxas appeared in Twilight Town at at the end of KH2 because he thought of it as his home. He felt like he belonged there. He was there because he wanted to see Hayner, Pence, and Olette again. That’s the life he longed for. Roxas never displayed that type of longing for Axel. He just didn’t. Doesn’t mean they weren’t friends. They just weren’t really best friends.

When I first played KH2, I got the sense that Roxas would have been creeped out by the way Axel acted if he had ever learned about it. He wouldn’t have been flattered by Axel kidnapping Kairi or trying to turn Sora into a Heartless, just to see him. He would have been freaked out. After their friendship got more development in later games, I think Roxas would have felt pity for Axel. But he still would have been uncomfortable with his obsessive fixation on being “best friends”. Especially because Roxas only knew Axel as an aloof and emotionally detached guy. He found it hilarious when Axel said something sentimental because he just never saw that side of him before.

“Do you two even have anywhere to go?” Axel wondered from his perch on one of the boulders that dotted the shore.

“Do you?” Riku replied, staring out at the horizon.

“I never had anywhere to go in the first place. We Nobodies don’t belong, period. Nowhere to go and nowhere to come home to.

Unlike Roxas, Axel appeared in Twilight Town one last time because he felt like he had nowhere to belong. He knew deep down that Roxas wasn’t really longing to see him again, the way he was with Hayner, Pence, and Olette. He wasn’t even really chasing Roxas. He was trying to run away from his loneliness. Seeing Roxas again showed him that he had nowhere to run, though.

When a Nobody meets the real thing… that’s when a Nobody disappears. No… that’s when a Nobody goes home to where they belong. I wonder whether Axel actually went somewhere when he faded.

Somewhere…

If Roxas were there too, that would be nice, Naminé hoped. But that’s an unattainable dream.

To Axel, “going somewhere” didn’t mean running away or going home. It meant disappearing with someone. He just hoped he’d be able to see that person again in the next life. I think he promised to disappear with Isa if it meant he could go somewhere with him and see him again. In KH2, I think he still wanted to see the Isa from his memories, but he thought that was impossible. It left him with a tremendous void to fill, and he turned to Roxas to fill it. But Roxas didn’t want to “go somewhere” with him like Isa did. Roxas wanted to live his own life.

“Do you need help with that?” Ansem asked him, glancing pointedly at his wounded chest.

“…We Nobodies just vanish as we die okay,” said Axel, and he put the ice cream in his mouth and stood up. “Besides, maybe now I can finally go see Roxas.”

In the manga, Axel was looking at the sky on Sunset Hill when he said there was someone he wanted to see. He didn’t know where that feeling came from, since he didn’t have a heart. He suspected that maybe he did have one and wanted to see Roxas one more time to know for sure. And Roxas was looking at the sky when he said Sora would find the answer.

“I’d better go.” He stood up. “Sora is waiting.”

“Oh. Right… You really can taste the sea salt in this, huh?” Axel turned away, his shoulders shaking.

If he had no heart, then what were these feelings welling up in his chest supposed to be? Sorrow and…happiness? Axel didn’t have a handle on it. But maybe not understanding these things was part of having a heart.

There was a feeling of happiness for Axel because he was able to cry—proof he had a heart. He finally got his answer. But even then, nothing about Axel and Roxas’s reunion was meant to be fulfilling from Axel’s point of view. Quite the opposite. Roxas was confident that Sora would find the answer, but Axel was left in tears. His brief reunion with Roxas in the next life didn’t fill the void he had. He was still sad and empty. And it wasn’t just because Roxas left.

If I ever wake up again… I’d be happy if I could see Roxas. No—I know I will. Roxas… Hey, wake up. You’re really there, aren’t you? You promised me we’d meet again in the next life… right? ‘Cause we’re best friends, aren’t we? And then Axel faded from existence, vanishing into nothing.

A promise… That we’d meet again… in the next life. We promised. I remember. I remember our promise.

It was because he knew that Roxas wasn’t really waiting for him so they could “go somewhere” and be together forever. He wasn’t really the person Axel made that promise to in all seriousness. When Axel first suggested it, he thought Roxas responding seriously was funny.

Roxas didn't have the slightest clue how important that promise was to Axel. He barely knew anything about Axel’s inner emotional life. What it all boils down to is that Axel turned to Roxas out of a desperate fear of dying alone---a very primal human fear. And in the end, that’s exactly what happened. He might have been able “go somewhere,” after all. But he’d still be going there alone.

“See you, Axel,” Roxas told him. He looked over his shoulder. It was a promise.

Like we promised to meet again in the next life. We’ll make another promise.

“See you, partner,” said Axel. Roxas gave him one last smile and vanished into the air. Moments later, Axel did the same.

When Lea was recompleted in KH3D, he woke up in Radiant Garden, his real home. The last scene he was in, he was crying. But now he wasn’t sad anymore; he was very happy. He finally knew for sure that he had a heart and a next life. It’s not that he didn’t want to see Roxas/Ventus ever again. But in KH3D, I got the sense that Lea let go of his unhealthy obsession with him. It was a huge milestone in his development.

He didn't need a “rebound” best friend anymore. He was ready to move on with his life, just as Roxas had moved on with his. I do think they were supposed to get a genuinely emotional and tearful reunion, and establish an actual healthy friendship in KH3. But only after Roxas/Ventus learned about Lea’s past and who he really was. Especially since Ventus did get to meet Lea back when he was just a normal kid, too.

Roxas: Hey, Axel. You haven't forgotten?

Axel: Hm? What?

Roxas: You made us a promise.

Axel: I did?

Roxas: That you'd always be there...to bring us back.

Axel: Yeah...

Roxas: Got it memorized?

Axel: Best friends forever.

After his dream, Lea was reminded of the promise he made. He never actually made this promise to Roxas, though. He made it to Xion, but he didn’t remember her, either. So who did he make this promise to? I think Isa and Lea originally promised to "go somewhere" together. But Lea couldn't swallow that. He changed his mind. If Isa did "go somewhere," Lea wasn't going with him. He was going to bring him back. And that’s why he was smiling when he said he always got stuck with the icky jobs.

In KH3D, I got the sense that Lea was fully aware that the way he acted with Roxas was unnatural for him. It was the result of his grief over losing his best friend and his existential dread. But Lea was a natural optimist. He could move on from his clinginess because he had hope that he’d finally address the root cause of his pain. He could see Isa again. The real Isa from his memories. That’s who he originally made that promise to and who he really wanted to see all along.

It’s why Axel simply chasing after Roxas again and reuniting with him in KH3 was in no way an emotionally satisfying conclusion to his emotional roller coaster of a character arc. It felt very hollow, actually. Their reunion never even attempted to address the underlying dysfunction of their relationship. KH3 seemed to glorify Axel’s dependency, which I found strange. I loved Lea’s implied backstory with Isa. Their reunion had the potential to be a lot more satisfying because it was heavily implied Lea and Isa had a far more intimate relationship with each other than Axel had with Roxas. And in my opinion, such a reunion would have given Lea a rewarding resolution to his story---one that he lacked in canon.

#leaisa #kh meta #kingdom hearts #kh axel #kh roxas #kh lea

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