#[idk it kind of just evened out that way with the conversations.]
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Regarding it feeling like an ending, it sort of does, but also there's a "secret ending" which is really just a real short little scene that plays after everything else is done, which sets up for a new conflict. I don't think this is the end of the series.
I'm so with you though, the lack of variety in dialogue choices was rough and some parts really did not need the quips. But it wasn't far off of what I'd have wanted for this particular character anyway so it wasn't a HUGE issue lol. The different way they did the dialogue with the companions at the lighthouse was kind of a good and bad thing, on the one hand I liked seeing them talk to each other more, but on the other hand it felt like I got to talk to them less. And then both characters turn and look at you in unison after they finish their conversation lmao… so uncomfortable. I also romanced Lucanis and wish there had been more of it, like it's barely even acknowledged up until you get to that endgame point of no return. Romance a sweet assassin man and go almost the whole game without kissing him once… unconscionable. Cruel and unusual punishment.
You're super right that they could have leaned harder into giving Rook difficult choices to make, the Minrathous/Treviso one was good (I also saved Treviso on the grounds that Minrathous is probably better able to defend against a dragon, but it seems not) but that was kinda the only one? Except the Neve/Bellara one at the end but they got better, so. It was rough being a Shadow Dragon myself and walking around Dock Town seeing those gallows with other Shadow Dragons though. But like even at the very end, it seems like you don't even really have a choice to make, cause the only way to keep the veil up is to bind it to Solas, and for that he needs to be alive, so the only choice is whether he does it willingly? I was fully expecting to decide whether he lives or dies and was further expecting that it would be difficult to get him out of that alive. He must be too essential to further storylines for that though, idk. It was great getting his backstory too, and it was a lot of fun getting silly little peeks due to living in his house. Like Bellara noting that the only food in the pantry when they got there was salted meat, "seemingly untouched" raisins, and honey, while Varric going "I don't know why this place even has a kitchen, I never once saw him cook anything".
Overall I really enjoyed it and I'm glad you did too!
Alright, time to share my opinions about Veilguard!! I have both criticism and praise so bear with me as I jump from one extreme to the other 😆 spoilers ahead of course!
The game has a very rough start with the dialogue being formulaic and rushed and the characters overexposing. It feels like a heavy handed attempt at summarizing all of previous games' lore for newcomers or in case you forgot but it's so overdone it feels coddling and trivializes a lot of previous events. Luckily this gets better once all of the introductions are out of the way, though the excessive hints and clarifications continue until the end sadly.
The locations are absolutely incredible and very diverse!! This is a highlight of the game for me. There is so much detail and care in every map and there are so many of them. My pc is struggling to reach medium settings and yet everything looks stunning. The verticality of the maps is so imposing and the graphics have a very dreamy quality that I love. I also enjoy the maze-like structure to the maps, it's more linear but makes everything look a bit more intentional. The color and light direction was amazing, all the visual development really!! it has to be one of the prettiest games I've ever played.
When I started I have to admit it did not feel like I was in Thedas and it all felt a bit theme-parky, if that makes sense. A lot of previously important and established world elements that made Thedas what it is were overlooked or made irrelevant. But the more I played the more it started to feel a bit more similar to Inquisition, for better or worse depending on what you feel about Inquisition. But!! this also feels like a selectively sanitized version of Thedas compared to previous games. In it's attempt to stay safe and uncontroversial in some aspects it loses a lot of substance and it changes the tone. The surface level politics, ignoring previously established major societal issues and a tell-don't-show approach makes the world seem more simple and shallow with no grey areas to explore. ( the humor also falls flat and out of place often too, and WHY is everyone always smirking, enough!! godlike beings are destroying the planet please this is not the time for Marvel banter aaaa )
The pacing at the start is a bit of a mess. It is so fast it felt like jumping from one world shattering discovery to the next with no time to process. The characters also seem to underreact to important information and major developments. It felt like the game was rushing me through all this to get to the part of the story it wanted to tell me while I was still wrapped in my shock blanket trying to catch my breath lmao. I really like all the key story points they touched upon, I just wish they dwelled more on them to give them more narrative weight. ( though blaming every bad thing to ever happen on the Elves was certainly..a choice )
I think the writing could have used more subtlety in the first half and more boldness in the second 😆 but I loved the thematic parallels between Rook and Solas and how every quest informs the main storyline. I do wish Rook was given more impossible choices and put in more difficult situations that forced them to lie or betray their own to better drive the point home though ( listen I just love a Trolley problem!! we need more of those, I'm the Trolley problem's number one fan!! ) I feel like they missed the chance to put Rook in Solas' role and be as vilified and hated for it as Solas was despite their best intentions which would make Rook's regrets stronger and in turn make their escape from the fade all the more impressive and give them a better understanding of Solas to either use against him or earn his respect. The line 'they called me the Dread Wolf, what will they call you when this is over' from the trailers was so good I was waiting for this!! But everyone just loves Rook no matter what!!
But I feel like I stated too many negative aspects in a row so moving on to some things I enjoyed!
The characters were very lovable to me. The romances weren't as long or impactful as I would have liked but I enjoyed all the companion quests. Emmrich is a delight and his quest is so wild and fun. I loved learning about Nevarra and I was awestruck by the Grand Necropolis. The mourn watch was so interesting, it showed a whole new side of Thedas' lore I knew nothing about! and I loved Manfred! Davrin is so charming, he became a favorite. I loved his quest too and learning more bits and pieces about the Dalish was great, I wish we got more. Seeing the Wardens through his quest also made me enjoy them a lot. Assan was very cute too and I'm glad he was treated as an animal and not turned into a goofy Disney sidekick too much lmao 😭 Lucanis is hilarious. The fantasy Spain/Italy was a bit silly and off at times but he is very sweet! and I love the Spite possession, that was so fun I'm glad they kept him that way! Bellara is adorable, her first backstory quest made me cry and I just love a nerd! I wish the second part of her story was written better however, and she sort of devolves into 'it's hard, I wish it was easy but it's hard' dialogues too often sadly. Anaris and the Forgotten Ones' portrayal was underwhelming and anticlimactic which was disappointing. Harding is also very cute and her Titan plotline was the most interesting to me, I bawled my eyes out in her quest!! I love the dwarven lore of this universe I'm so happy we got more of it!! ( she also fucking died in my playthrough?! I was devastated what the hell 😭 'whatever it takes' WEUEUGHHHG I'M SO SORRY) Neve was a slow burn for me because of my choices in game slowing that relationship down ( saving Treviso I mean, perdón amor 🙏 ) but I love detective novels and she is such a badass I ended up loving her. Taash was unexpected, I didn't think they would be so young. The coming of age story was sweet, though I found myself cringing a lot too at the handling of it I have to admit ( and the Lords of Fortune in general, and the Antaam...and que Qun..listen- kajshfgf ) but I also enjoyed learning more about the first expedition and the Qunari in general despite the messy writing and choices. I also loved Antoine and Evka! and Strife! And I haven't even read any of the novels they are in 😆 also Mila!!!! and her dad oh my god and Felassan haunting the narrative!! speaking of haunting, I would have loved for Cole to be in the lighthouse too I think it would have worked well 🤔 especially with the whole 'reading Solas' secret diary' thing the game had going on lmao
Everyone seems to get along except for a bit of friction that is quickly resolved at the start, which is hmm missed potential? I would have preferred more tension personally. I enjoy the drama! gives me more to work with and gives you a better grasp on everyone's personality by contrasting values. I think they wanted to speed run a found family trope for the new hero to establish some emotional stakes early on but it ended up making everyone seem like a group therapy session instead. The group meetings also have everyone either state the obvious or repeat the same opinion or conclusion to each other, I would have loved these meetings to have more bickering, have people get mad and storm out and also get to listen to different takes on a situation. Make Rook struggle more to take the reins and keep the team functional, learning how to be a leader.
Speaking of Rook! ( who in my case has a northern British accent that I loved so much 🥺) They seem to have a very established personality. I was expecting more of a blank slate but I'm lucky that the personality they went for kind of matches what I would normally choose in a first playthrough. Though the lack of range in the choices is irritating and takes away some replayability and role playing potential. Rook is very supportive and selfless, I wasn't expecting this tbh! But it all made my Rook turn into the team's weird supportive necromancer mom so it worked out in the end I guess lmao. I can't wait to draw her!!
I was so overwhelmed by the amount of information we got about Solas and his past!! I was expecting answers but not these many and not for them to be such an integral part of the plot!! The game feels like it's about him more than anything else. His arc is the best written out of all. He is mentioned in every conversation, he's the main advisor and the narrative foil, you get to talk to him often, you work for him and with him and go into his memories it all feels so surreal to me lmao I love him so I'm delighted ngl! but also making the other Evanuris so cartoonishly evil makes Solas into such an obvious choice of an ally, god of trickery or not, that it sort of takes the decision out of your hands and makes some dialogue options and companions' opinions seem almost nonsensical. I have no idea how this game would feel to someone who absolutely hates Solas' guts honestly. I suppose I will find out soon enough 😆
About Solas' story, I loved it! I somehow also feel that I knew it already, all the speculation and theories that Solavellan fans were crafting for years were so accurate that it was all very validating. Even the wildest ones! Solas as the Maker, the elves spirit origin, Mythal giving him a body, the war with the Titans, the origin of the Blight, Solas being on your side as advisor, I can go on, we knew!! Also I have to mention this I'm sorry but they made him look so hot!! unbelievable. And the bloodied teary eyed pathetic look in the end ouurghhh I'm cheering and clapping!!
The romance conclusion was so lovely 😭 the Loki and Sigyn ending we deserved to such a mythological epic!! and open ended enough for all of us to cook!! and we got to see him fight and transform into the Dread Wolf!! and whimper and cry!! and bleed and love!! that's all I ever wanted, incredible we were really spoiled what the hell I still can't believe it 😭 GDL acting was brilliant as usual! the visuals were also incredible and exactly what I had in mind when I imagined where the story may go, the eclipse, the giant wolf, the glowing eyes, the Elvhenan ruins, the statues, even the hair lmao it all aligned exactly to what I've been painting all these years but better I was thrilled 😭
Solas backstory with Mythal also offers players that didn't romance him a chance to see him act out of love and show a side they wouldn't be able to reach otherwise and I think it was smart! also very tragic and sheds more light into all of his choices and words and his relationship with Lavellan too and the parallels and reversals and uughh thoroughly enjoying the emotional distress 👌
Pleasing both the Solas lovers and haters at the same time was always going to be hard with him being such a polarizing character by design and the world states being so different but I think they did a good job! at least from my side of things.
I think my favorite part besides the Solas related stuff was the Blight. I loved how horrific and gross and threatening it was! I've always loved the concept of the Blights and I'm glad it was such a huge part of the story in this game. I also loved Treviso!! has to be the most beautiful city in Thedas ahhh and the Necropolis!! the gardens!! Vorgoth!!! Kal-Sharok!!! I can't believe we got to see it!! and a Titan!!! the giant floating face of Ghilan'nain in the clouds??? and the huge archdemons and dragons!! oh and that warden dragon trap in the shape of a griffon?? and the giant blight tendrils!! the siege at Weisshaupt was outstanding!! and the floating panopticon castle situation in Minrathous uughh there is so much I loved.
OH I also enjoyed the Varric arc even though I saw it coming since the trailer it was still played well and it was touching 🥺
The ending felt a bit jarring to me in tone though, a bit too cheerful considering...the horrors. Over half the continent destroyed and most of the problems Thedas had before the game are still there. Veil in place and all 😆
But I had fun!! I'm nitpicking really, the conclusion to Solas' story feels very satisfying to me which was my main worry so I'm happy. It is a good game!! with a sort of soft reboot feel to it and aimed at a younger audience which is probably what they were going for? You can sort of feel the struggle the team went through during production in the way the target audience seems unclear sadly. I also can't help feeling like this is an ending, so much was revealed and resolved!! but maybe I feel that way because that is what I felt after Shadowbringers / Endwalker in FFXIV once my favorite part of the story was wrapped? They can always pivot to a new continent and expand on the world and cultures we know almost nothing about, but that is always harder to sell so I have no clue where they will go from here 😵💫
Anyway I'm still processing a lot of stuff that I will probably talk (and draw) about later, this is already long enough!! for now I'll look up how to get the artbook because the art direction of this game is fantastic!! I would love to hear your thoughts too really, I'm curious about the experiences of players who made different choices and with different tastes to mine!!
#dragon age spoilers#veilguard spoilers#had to reblog bc my thoughts were TOO LONG for a reply lol...
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[Starter for @fracturedmemoria ;; Clan Meeting]
I've been working - - —–...
Grass shifts and sings in the late spring breeze, the pokeballs at his side devoid of any of his partners save for Mojumbo. They're all out and about, helping in their own ways— Goriky dutifully marching behind him with her arms full of supplies, Jibacoil and Glion watching overhead in tangled loops and twists.
...All the livelong day...
Nobori carries the tune under his breath as he divests himself of the materials he'd brought with him, settled into a neat pile with a sigh of relief. The worn stone beneath his feet crackles with dead grass and dirt— That'll have to be one of the first few things he takes care of.
"Can't you hear the whistle blowing..."
He steps over a thick slab of broken stone to thumb through the dirt layered on an old worn dias at the center of the clearing, quietly contemplative. This area clearly hadn't been used in a very, very long time— Garana seemed nervous to even be asking this of him before their arrival, beneath those steely nerves of hers. Perhaps he would have been too had he any context to have built upon, standing here beneath the eye of Sinnoh.
He's fairly certain she didn't want him here, for that matter— he hadn't even been entirely sure what this is going to be for until Tsubaki came around the day after, practically kicking down the metaphorical door about his 'duties to the meeting of the clans' and somesuch. There's certainly enough context clues to go off of from there— even he has noticed the Galaxy team's gradual encroachment on the edges of the clans, how tense the other wardens seem to be getting over the whole matter.
In some ways the introduction of another outsider group has been good for him, as much as he'd hesitate to truly voice such a thing. Brought closer into the fold in defense against a greater perceived threat, less other than the other, just enough to skirt by. Nobori has by technicality been one of them since his very first memory, but this is quite possibly the first time he's felt that was true.
Well. It's nice to be needed, either way.
Now, how is he going to clean off the tops of the arches? Maybe if he rode on Jibacoil...
Right. Best take care of that first, then. It wouldn't do to clean the floor just to dirty it all over again knocking all of the dust down.
"Would you be amenable to lending your assistance?" The returning trill of beeps and screeches is answer enough to his ears— Jibacoil drifts back down from the trees arching overhead to meet him on the floor. It's not the most comfortable perch, but between the signal rod between his legs and the bolts on either side of him Nobori feels well and secure enough. He pulls the woven bag to his front to sift through its contents as they slowly begin to rise, cloth in hand. Nothing to it, then!
"—rise up so early in the morn'..."
#ALTERNATIVE TRACK;; [𝓗𝓲𝓼𝓾𝓲]#IC;; [𝓢𝓸𝓶𝓮𝓽𝓱𝓲𝓷𝓰 𝓛𝓸𝓼𝓽]#STARTER;; [𝓐 𝓟𝓻𝓲𝓿𝓪𝓽𝓮 𝓒𝓸𝓷𝓿𝓮𝓻𝓼𝓪𝓽𝓲𝓸𝓷]#FRACTUREDMEMORIA;; [𝓘𝓬𝓱𝓲𝓷𝓸𝓼𝓮 𝓢𝓮𝓴𝓲]#[Ingo is being so safe. so safe. promise.]#[don't mind him up there.]#[My unemployed friend on a weekend energy. if you see me putting up all of these starters no you dont.]#[idk it kind of just evened out that way with the conversations.]#[I really should put a sporadic activity disclaimer up somewhere]
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god i love sundays
#i open my eyes i make coffee i call mom we talk for at least one hour#it's kind of a ritual at this point#and funny how things are much better when we have a long conversation once a week#i used to be mad at her for reaching out when i was working or busy or sad or anything in general#now we don't talk much during the week because she knows i'm busy and she respects that#but she knows i'll always call on sunday morning and we will talk about everything that happened during the week#and it's always great and we don't even fight anymore#i used to say my mom is messed up so it's better not to talk to her but hey#one thing i realized is that i am messed up too so why do i always blame her for everything#she's just a human being#we should be more gentle to each other#and i guess we finally found a way to communicate#idk#we also say “i love you” at the end of every conversation now and god i really need it#and i guess she needs it too#anyway#it's better now#she's doing better and i am doing better#which is great#i say whatever and whatever that i want*
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hey. um. i love him
#O_O i really love him#it's getting warmer every day and i can't draw him in a sweater for much longer#by the way. is this site going to. yknow. die#sigh........i kept telling myself I'd get better at it one day#kind of like the way i tell myself i can get together courage to speak up but i never do#using another website just sounds so depressing#im not good at social media. im tired of pretending like i can get good at it#but you can't even pretend like you can jump into a conversation if no one is having a conversation#i wanted to be part of a community here but i never could figure out what belonging looked like or how i could do it#and maybe it's my fundamental misunderstanding of that that prevents it but how can i understand it without experience#I'm so jealous of everyone who looks like they achieved what i couldn't even put my finger on. but since i didn't even understand it#i can't even be sure what exactly im jealous of#the other day i walked past a trio of friends and they had their arms around each other and were laughing as they walked#and i felt really strongly that even though I've always wanted a friend like that I'm actually fundamentally incompatible with that.#there's several reasons#but it made me feel really sad. but it made me feel a little better too. i guess it's really not my fault. maybe. i don't really know#in that moment it felt very much like something that was not my fault. and it was nice and sad at the same time#idk what's going to happen here. but one thing i know for sure is that i can have a happy tomorrow. no matter what#no matter what i have to give up on. i can find joy in other things. even in myself#and if there's one idea that he is about. it's that one
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guys hear me out would painis cupcake pay taxes? Because he’s not like mega insane like ass pancakes I think he’d pay his taxes in my professional opinion.
#I also had a conversation with my friend about if he had to wear a suit why would he#We discussed for a very long while(6 minutes) and the discussion was very enlightening#Slowly turning painis into a functional human in society…#Except you know he eats people that isn’t really stuff normal people do#this is a joke btw#I think he would pay his taxes but if the tax people are rude to him he wouldn’t#I think it really depends#Does he even have any taxes to pay? Because he doesn’t have a job I assume so he doesn’t have any money#But theoretically if he’s like working for another freak and he’s getting paid or something#Idk guys I might be going a little bit bonkers… he’s helping me get out of art block at least#Oh I hope all these tags don’t accidentally show up in another tag that would be bad I’ve seen that happen#I’ve already typed so much though#It’d be funny if there was painis angst because I wouldn’t be able to take it seriously because his name is penis basically#Why am I only saying painis I’m going to tag him anyway#Painis cupcake#there#alright anyways painis cupcake angst would be fucking hilarious imo#My professional opinion#Mmhmmm I’m a professional in being stupid#My friends will call me spedpool on hallowen#I took 2 yardsticks in stem and I pretended to be said guy in the red suit I don’t want to tag him because I don’t want someone to#Find this unhinged rant about painis cupcake that got way off track woah#Ok continuing on the painis rant#I can’t draw him with pencil for some reason he looks so weird#I can draw soldeir just fine with pencil probably even better than online but whenever I try to draw painis he looks like a pile of dog shi#A moist pile the kind that would make steam if it’s cold outside#I feel like it he tried painis cupcake would really be a great functional citizen#Oh wow I wrote a lot my bad
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i just don’t understand. why say ur ready to talk if you aren’t?
can u believe this post is what got me to reach tag limit
#vaugepostimg on main about an irl don’t mind me#i just. am feeling sad bcus i have been trying to keep my distance and respect the space they said they needed. and then they reached out to#me for their book club and said we should chat and i got excited! i miss my friend of course i got excited#still let them take the lead. i want them to be comfortable. they said they’d lmk what day they were free#and then proceeded to ghost me for like. almost two weeks??#(it was 10 days but !!! still!!! almost 2 weeks from them suggesting i come to book club which would’ve inherently necessitated an irl talk#and then after all that yesterday said they actually weren’t ready which. hurted#tbf i knew something was up after like 2 days of them not replying so it’s not like i was fully caught off guard it just really hurt#and like i feel weird bcus our social circles are really overlapped and i spent a lot of time with them last winter and i had thought#that would happen again this winter. we would swim together a lot and i consistently went to their house dinners#bcus if i care about you i show up! and i’m understanding ! bcus i am patient and kind person and as a triple taurus i’m not tryna rush ever#especially when it comes to people’s emotions ??? especially if someone has told me i hurt them???? like ik im an autistic lesbian but#despite popular conceptions on that particular identity. im not fucking evil ????? if you ask for space i will give you space !!!!!#and like when it comes to emotions and conflict i’m blunt but i’m caring and it takes a lot for me to be disinfranchised by people#or relationships. so i’m not saying i don’t want to still be her friend#i’m just. noticing behaviors#they did tell me that they were very avoidant in conflict and i told them i’m very much not and like. now that i’m on the receiving end of i#idk what to do!! i’m not gonna chase her down like they’re grown!! and again!!! if you ask for space i’m going to respect that!!!#and like honestly. i’m happy she at least gave me the curtesy of saying they weren’t ready to talk even if it took her mad long to do it#so like. who tf knows when we’ll talk. if ever. probably when she wants the validation of our friendship if it even happens at all#bcus again. she reached out not to reconnect and clear the air but to check if i still wanted to come to her club she was starting#ik in earlier conversations she was worried no one would come but ig she found people. which like good for her tbh but to be honest i feel#discarded?? i’m feeling like i’m failing to not project too much so i gotta stop but idk man i’m just feeling weird about it all#and then i had the thought today of like. is this what i want in a friendship? someone who goes back and forth abt whether or not i’m worth#which again. kinda wasn’t expecting that bcus we spent so much time together last autumn/winter/spring like. many times per week!!!#so the idea of not being her friend all of a sudden?? feels fucjing weird to think about#but like? i don’t want to feel this way this is what i hate about west coast/white people conflict resolution!! there fucking isn’t any!!!#and i can’t deal with that! i can’t spend my life with people who aren’t going to engage with me as a person who cares about them#humans are fallible creatures and were only here on earth for so long so why are we wasting time here? what is the point of all this ???????#but then the guilt and shame say i deserve it all and at that point i just need to stop so. i’m gonna stop now lol
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~ ~ ~
#I hate who I am when I start missing human contact and feeling lonely#I start missing someone who was awful to me simply because they were reliable in talking to me every day and at least sort of my friend#I start craving the connections that you see in media even though I know those types aren’t real#it seems like everyone else has more people and better people and closer people in their lives than me#it seems like everyone has best friends and partners that are closer to them and better for them#and idk it just feels like things are missing from my life#I have a partner but I can’t always talk to them when I need to because they can’t always handle a conversation#I have a best friend but he barely ever answers my calls and things feel distant between us lately#I have other friends but they’re not the kinds that I feel I could turn to for help when I’m lonely like this#I have my parents but neither of them are very good at comfort in these situations#and I just want to cry because I feel so completely by myself and I don’t know what to do anymore#I just want someone to talk to and who will listen to me when I need help and advice and be there for me#I’m starting to really miss the wrong people again even though I know I’m better without them in my life#but at least I could send them anything and get a response fairly soon when I needed to#at least for a while they were very close to me and i think that’s what I really miss most of all#just the closeness of another person since I don’t always feel that with other relationships these days#it’s times like these I wish I’d just killed myself at 16 so I wouldn’t have to keep dealing with this over and over forever#it’s times like these I wanna fade away#if I’m going to be alone anyway then why bother keeping others around at all? why not just break off and go be a hermit somewhere else?#but I can’t do that because I have too many responsibilities that I need to take care of#idk maybe I should just kill myself and get it over with#pretty sure I wasn’t supposed to make it this long in the first place#I mean I’m being facetious cause I’m not overly suicidal and I’m not actually going to do anything#just kinda wish I could in a weird sort of way#like missing the feeling of a blade slicing my skin since I stopped cutting a long time ago#just want more out of my relationships and from myself and from my life and idk how to get any of that#personal
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Looking at people responding to that video of a high school circa 2002 and realizing that a lot of my demeanor and general outlook has been informed by the fact that id found a solid niche that kept people from fucking with me by the time that i was in early high school. already by then i had slid comfortably into the identity of "smart snarky person who keeps to himself but will deliver a withering take-down the moment you ask him his opinion on anything" that both classmates and teachers found enjoyable to be around. i cant really say it was masking. it was more like an optimized build capitalizing on the attributes that were already there. but also, my high school was just not a place where all that much bullying happened? it was middle school were i saw and personally experienced a whole hell of a lot more of that. to the degree that i thought movies and tv shows depicting bullying as a high school thing was like, fake
#like people would fight but it was nearly always an interpersonal conflict like two girls having mutual beef with one another#there was way worse bullying and violence in middle school and more cliquishness then too#by high school things had considerably smoothed out#not completely of course i remember one straight guy getting hate crimed for wearing “Girl Pants” and things of that nature#and there were fights between different student groups / contingents but like#the kind of thing you see on high schools on TV just wasnt there it just was not the vibe for some reason#even as the hugely annoying openly queer kid talking about queer politics all the time things were like pretty chill#even tho of course many of my peers believed absolute dogshit things we would just like... talk about it. like genuine conversations.#their points were bigoted dogshit but it was like#sincerely held? and not aggressive? idk it was weird#wish i could explain why it was that way but i cant
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also like. life update. since coming to college i think i've decided i want to be less online in general, because i don't think it benefits my mental health to be on any online website too much. i know i still have strong ties to fandom and whatnot but i'm trying to reconcile my relationship with the things i've created knowing the headspace i was in when that happened; cs is more of a diary to me than anything, at least where i'm at currently. i DO want to be on discord more this break because there's people i want to VC and catch up with-- but ultimately i think i'm like exactly the worst kind of person to operate with any kind of stability on the internet so we're going to mess around with what that looks like for me for a while. love u guys and once finals are officially up in two days i'll be back to say hi :]
#nightmare.personal#i just think like. idk. i don't really know how to compassionately phrase this#but i realized with all the stuff happening in the world that like.#it's just far better to host those conversations and do those actions irl?#for a lot of reasons. one of the major ones being that its easier to weed out people in real life who are like#wildly antisemitic and awful shit like that. vs being online its like people do that for breakfast#it's also just easier to do meaningful things. so then kind of from that i was just thinking and like#it's weird! because i don't miss the act of posting or opening discord or anything#but i miss the people. but also the way you interact with online friends is so distinctive?#like i can't just get everyone's phone numbers. it'd kind of be sick if i could but you know. everyone feels diff about internet security#so like i'm constantly drawn back to tumblr because i miss people and same with discord#but i don't really adore being on here that much so it's like. really weirdly perplexing#i'm also so goddamn bad at keeping up online friendships and everyone i know here has the patience of a saint#which i deeply appreciate it's also just kinda like.#if we were here in person i could so much better convey my appreciation for you all#so i just hope you know that i do appreciate you. it's weird.#i also have to separately reconcile with the fact that i'm an evolving person IRL#but online that comes at a lag? so like i don't even know how anyone perceives my personality#because it's not that i ever really faked it its just kind of like. we all start somewhere#i don't know what i'm saying. it's disorienting is my point.#i guess i could fix this if i got the discord or tumblr app but#i'm not going to do either of those things but like. i don't know#i wish i talked more regularly to people but the actual process of doing that feels so odd to me#i dunno. we party
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it’s not even been 24h of unblocking the attack on titan tag and i already feel physically sick from seeing all the fanart:(
#out of context this sounds like i'm an anti/aot-hater#(which i kind of am in some respects but that's a different conversation)#but idk#i just have a weird brain#i love it so much but the finale made me so upset that i still haven't let go of the feeling#it's not even stuff that's related#like i just saw your canon typical angsty eruri post follow by a cute armin fanart#but it made me physically nauseous#just at the thought of how things ended#i don't feel this way all the time#it's definitely getting better but#ughhhhh it's jusr hard:/
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since were living in this new age of understanding when it comes to how becoming famous (especially tabloid famous/infamous) at a young age negatively effects your mental health and psychological development i think its time that ppl start reevaluating how they talk about the sex pistols
#sex pistols#hoodie talks#i mean i would think this regardless but seriously#any conversation about the sex pistols that doesnt include just how young they were and how mistreated by the public and press they were#is an incomplete one that doesnt address crucial aspects of their story#you cannot understand why sid vicious ended up dead from suicide at 21 without talking about this!#you cannot understand why johnny rotten is the way he is now without talking about this!#johnny got famous at 19! he spent his entire adult life famous! and by famous i mean infamous aka The Bad Type Of Famous#he was the designated acceptable target of an entire nation during some of the most formative years of his life#'why is he so mean and defensive?' oh idk maybe its bc ppl stabbed him bc he sang a song they didnt like!#imagine being 20 years old and every journo in the country is either writing about you being the voice of your generation#or about how youre the spawn of satan who should be hung from the nearest lamp post#imagine youre 20 and the government is saying that shit about you too#imagine youre 20 and every single thing you say is picked at and poured over and ascribed countless different meanings#imagine youre 20 and you cant even walk down the street without being harassed by someone you dont know#imagine youre 20 and someone sticks a razor in your hand and disables you for life bc you wrote a song they didnt like#imagine youre 20 and your neighbor barges into your flat bc your music was too loud and stabs your 14 year old friend#and then when you ask the police for help they tell you that she deserved it for hanging out with you#now imagine the kind of person youd be if you lived through all of that#and now imagine that every time you ever sorta lashed out or were kinda mean ppl said 'shut up you whiny attention whore'#imagine if everyone collectively got together when you were 19 and decided that you didnt get to be a person anymore forever#thats what johnny lydon's life has been since 1975#punk rock posting
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ykw actually I am angry + disappointed w them. I've been pushing how I feel aside and trying to make it my own fault so it's all contained but I think theyve just been mean. and they really should know me better ik I try to pretend I don't expect more from them so I feel less hurt when they do things that upset me but we've been friends for years by this point. like come on.
#just got home and went to put my shit away but my flatmate was in the kitchen and i got suddenly so mad i had to walk back out#not going to do or say anything while im this upset. i need to be a lot calmer before i can even be in the same room as her#like okay. so originally it was just the two of them getting drinks and theyd rather it was just them bc i dont drink. thats cool#it wouldve been difficult for me to join them after work bc travel. and ik theyd done this before just the 2 of them and had fun#i can fully respect that its why i said no and stuck by that decision when she asked again#but to not mention she was taking the day off work and btw i just found out that BOTH of our other old flatmates joined in too#to not mention that they were travelling that entire distance and that it wasnt just drinks it was a whole day out together#thats just mean. why wouldnt you tell me that why did none of them say anything.#and the fact they did the exact same fucking thing last weekend too i didnt know about that at all#like i need to stop trying to justify it. im allowed to feel unwanted and excluded bc thats exactly what theyre doing.#im tired of feeling like other people dont want me around. i know i can be difficult and annoying sometimes. but im really not that bad#and we're meant to be friends!!!!!! like youre supposed to like your friends. and want to spend time with them. or at least i do#and yeah everyones annoying sometimes thats just part of being alive ur supposed to tolerate it if ur friends#im allowed to want to feel like im wanted. im allowed to want ppl to care abt me. that shouldnt be too much to ask for#but the overwhelming message im getting at the moment is they dont want me around. and when i am around them i feel like they dont listen#to me and that they dont really care how i feel unless it directly involves them or theyre responsible for it#i feel like they dont see me as a real person that exists. only a version they have in their heads and they base all their assumptions and#decisions off that version instead of directly communicating with me. and constantly avoid me under the guise of 'giving me space'#when im upset or having a difficult time and most need support from other people. i just feel really unseen#and ik that part of how i feel IS exacerbated by insecurity and depression. like they do care to some degree#but also a lot of it is evidenced in the way they act towards me. mainly my roommate bc shes the person i interact with most#and personally i find the most direct ways of showing u care abt someone are showing up for them. and making them feel seen#and maybe not everyone feels the same way. but thats how it works for me anyway#so to repeatedly exclude me and avoid acknowledging that ive been having a difficult time is the opposite of that to me#which is the point im trying to arrive at... sorry ik ive probably said similar things repeatedly the last few weeks but i feel like its#crystallising a bit like this is the core reason why im so sensitive and reactive atm and why i got so upset by it#idk. not tonight bc im still very emotionally raw but maybe tomorrow if im calmer i should explain that i was upset + why to her#i avoid doing that so often when im upset bc i dont think theres much point in having a conversation abt it unless u expect some kind of#resolution from it. or if you want an apology but idrc abt being apologised to the crucial thing is what theyre going to do different#and i love her but shes very resistant to changing her behaviour bc of other ppl being upset by it. and like i said before she has
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every day i see people talking about things that I simply do not understand no matter how much I look into it and think about it and try to figure it out. i cannot tell if it's brainfog and fatigue or if I'm just ,,,, incapable of being intelligent enough for it all :[
#i sure do feel like a fucking idiot lately!#I wish I wasn't (weren't?) aware of how stupid i am but unfortunately i am acutely aware of it and I can't seem to do anything about it#like... why am i unable to comprehend things. why can't i figure it out if I go learn about it. why does it just not Click for me.#becoming increasingly aware of just how little i know and how naive i am and i have to say ... its frightening me fhfkdl#i feel like i am going to be fucking mauled if i say anything ever or if i try to participate in any conversations of worth#so I've just been staying quiet constantly. but then I just feel disconnected from everything and everyone#because i never participate! i just stand in the bg and listen and watch!!#but what's driving me crazy is i dont even seem to be learning in any significant way!! even though im just listening all the time!!#why can't i make any progress in understanding shit 😭 why is it all still just as out of reach as when i started !!#i really feel like there is something very wrong with my brain but idk what to do about it dhfjdkl#I've been isolating a lot more than usual the past couple months because i just feel so useless and stupid compared to everyone else#but then i talk to ppl irl and i feel like I'm operating on a higher level of social awareness than most ppl#which then makes me feel bad bc i worry im somehow thinking im better than other ppl but its not that fhdkdl#i just get tired of like... guiding the conversation for ppl and smoothing over social potholes#like im always the one driving the conversational vehicle. and if i stop driving then we crash. idk if this makes sense#but then online im always the one who is one step behind everyone else and making blunders#so ... I don't know what to do anymore fhfjdkl i think smth has gotten very broken in my brain and idk what it is or how to fix it#UHMM ANYWAYS. this is ... a rant and a half. oops.#im the worlds most average joe cool though 👍 nothing to worry about or see here! (<- sarcasm i think)#this is one of my worst vents of all time actually fbfjdkl this one is just a real stinker#just kind of incomprehensible and way too self-pitying methinks. oh well! I'll delete it if i think better of it later dbfjdkl#pippen needs 2nd breakfast
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Oh tho. Despite being at a concert at a bar with easy opportunity to have drinks. I looked at the menu as if I was gonna order anything, then thought to myself, "You don't drink anymore, hon" and went "Oh, right" then just got water.
So???? Given how matter of fact that thought was, maybe I really am fully sober from alcohol now. Interesting thought.
#speculation nation#cant say im fully sober all the time completely bc i may or may not have done a weed or two in recent weeks#but that's neither here nor there#well ok it is in fact here. in this conversation. bc it's relevant.#i just dont want to drink alcohol anymore. period. even when i was having a breakdown i didnt want to drink.#and even when i was at a concert venue having the time of my life. i didnt want to drink.#the thought of alcohol just does not appeal to me anymore. not with the connotations it has now.#but in lieu of that. i gave a little edible or two a try. since i already knew i fucking hated smoking weed#still wont do that. but a little recreational dabbling in a social setting... yea ok ive done a little#not interested in doing this kind of thing alone tho. or even regularly.#but for special occasions. in a social setting. since i dont drink alcohol anymore. this is a Way To Go.#alcohol ment/#drugs ment/#i think ill b posting about the drinking thing less now. bc this felt pretty conclusive to me.#ive been wavering on it for 2 and a half months now. unsure whether it was just the trauma and grief of it all.#i mean. it is. that's precisely why i am so suddenly no longer drinking.#but time is going by and ive had several opportunities to drink. times i wouldve taken in the past.#but my heart solidly told me No. i didnt want that.#and ykno what even with 0 alcohol i had the time of my fucking life at that concert.#26 going on 27 and suddenly completely sober because my dad died from alcoholism.#one of those things where. well. drinking isnt good for you anyways.#so if i dont wanna do it. well thats actually better for me in the end. so might as well lean into it.#idk whether this will be an actual longterm thing. but i suppose i'll find out!#for now at least. i have no interest in drinking. and so it shall remain in the near future.
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the worst part of having a crush is that it makes me feel inutterably stupid at all times
#like not only bc I'm such a dumb schoolgirl about it#but also bc I SHOULD be realistic and I'm NOT being that right now#like there's VERY little chance that he even likes me back. we're only tentatively even friends#and he's going to college out of state so like#there's actually honestly no way#and YET#and I feel SO stupid anytime I think about it#like I'm not ALLOWED to say that I'm in love even though that's honestly kinda what it is#I feel SO stupid for saying that#and I hate that I'm being so unrealistic with everything right now#it makes me kind of hate myself#and actually I probably only feel like this because some stuff's come up this afternoon that has me HORRIFICALLY stressed#and frustrated just in a generalized kind of way#and I actually kind of hate everyone right now. kinda just want to be like... ANYWHERE else#idk why my day can go SO well and then as soon as my parents come home everything sucks#like I'm freaking trying to have a freaking conversation with my mom!! I just want to tell her about my day and hear about hers!!!#but my dad won't stop interrupting because he can't find stuff and he won't tell us what he's trying to find#like I keep starting a sentence and I never freaking get to finish it#I'm trying to tell my mom all about church and the sweet 12 year old who's training on the sound board!!#I'm LIKE DAD JUST EFFING TELL ME WHAT YOU'RE LOOKING FOR I PROBABLY KNOW WHERE IT IS#but he WON'T#but he still keeps interrupting to talk to mom even though he SEES me standing there trying to talk to her#I just want to cry and shout at someone but I can't#I have to do a ton of stuff before I can get away and go be alone#I'm locked in the bathroom right now bc I just blew up at one of the dogs and my sister got angry at me for it#but the dog nearly ran away and wouldn't FREAKING come when I called her and I'm just so frustrated#and I talked to my sister in law on the phone today and now I want to cry bc I miss her#anyway. I hate life rn. I'm sure in 10 minutes I'll have calmed down from my stress and will not hate it any longer#Lu rambles
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They’re calling my baby Gojo, Joseph Joestar now
#rambling#the diff is that Gojo did apologize after being called out and face to face with his racism whilst Joseph literally befriended nazi’s 😵💫#and there was never any explanation from araki as to why he’d even wrote German soldiers in the shit in the first place like that was#absolutely jarring as hell to read for the very first time back when I’d gotten into jjba#well I watched it first but you know#like Joseph really thought fondly of Stroheim as this stand up guy even though he’s first of all#a Nazi#and second#the first scene that we were introduced to was of him sexually harassing a Woman#it’s……. 🗿#still to this day I wonder if araki had ever addressed this because lord#Joseph was just happy to get the help I guess but that felt so ooc for him from what he’d seen 🗣️#happily receiving the help of a Nazi and calling them a nice guy ahhh Joseph-#Gojo would never sjjsaj#my boo boo is a little prejudice but he’s working on it 🗣️#I still think that gege was trying to have a ‘racism is bad’ moment but again#the execution was pretty awkward and it felt out of place considering what had been currently going down in the manga#like the Racism was pretty random but it was swiftly put to a stop which I can appreciate even if it shouldn’t have been a point of#conversation to begin with since why couldn’t Miguel just exist as a character instead of him being the now token negro#who everyone sees as instantly more frighteningly powerful than everyone else like this didn’t even need to be brought up wllssldk#idk gege was trying to be ‘woke’ 😭. sorry nbs and wp ruined the term for me but like basically lol#gojo’s pretty intelligent and extremely gifted but he’s never been perfect lol#it’s just that idk why gege chose to talk about antiblackness in Japan out of nowhere about the only black character on screen hehhhhhh#like gege tried but lmfao#this is so funny to me#at least it didn’t drag on putting Miguel in an even more awkward situation than he already was and it was nipped in the bud quickly#Gojo isn’t one to dwell on things but when he’s face with new information and is taught something he does try to reflect and do better and#I’m sure he probably started to become even more aware of what he’s saying especially when talking to Miguel in an honest way since that’s#always been the kind of character who he was despite the horrors#the only ppl who’ve been kinda annoying about this are nbs and white people as always 🗿
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