#[[ tl;dr: probably on the spectrum but coping well ]]

[uraharashouten]

What're your thoughts on Urahara being autistic?

Interesting question, Anon. I suppose whenever a character has quirks, this question must arise. So, fair enough; let's consider evidence, and how well he fits some typical traits of autistic-coded characters. I looked these up, so please forgive any oversights or discrepancies they might come with.

1. Social Difficulties. The character might have difficulty interpreting body language, facial expressions, or tone of voice, leading to awkward or misunderstood interactions. They might find small talk uncomfortable or unnecessary and may prefer more direct or in-depth conversations.

Kisuke actually seems generally good at reading people and speaking to their unvoiced thoughts.

He's generally good with small talk and jovial banter, as well.

2. Literal Thinking. Autistic-coded characters may take things literally and struggle to understand figures of speech, sarcasm, or jokes that rely on double meanings.

This one's a bit tougher to pin down, because while I certainly can provide examples of him using sarcasm and figures of speech, I'm not sure I can point to many that he must interpret from others. He can be pedantic, though, for the sake of mischief.

3. Focused Interests. These characters often have highly focused interests that they pursue with intensity. They may talk at length about their interests, sometimes to the point of alienating others who don't share the same level of enthusiasm.

If you were looking for a character that fit this characteristic, I would probably point you to Mayuri, who relentlessly and repeatedly pursues his special interest of creating life. Although we do know that Kisuke spent years trying to find a way to prevent Hollowfication, we don't really see him engrossed in that research except in a brief flashback. We also have developed fanon that he loses sense of time while focused on research projects, mostly from that anime-only TBTP episode in which Soi Fon stalks him. But otherwise, the only time we see him emerge unkempt and disheveled is when Rukia visits the shop so early she wakes him from sleep. So while I do enjoy leaning into the headcanon that he can become absorbed in his projects, we really never see him in that process. They're always presented as a fait accompli.

4. Routine and Structure: They may rely heavily on routines, schedules, or predictability in their day-to-day life. Changes to these routines can cause them distress or anxiety.

This characteristic might fit. He does wear the same outfit daily, even after Kubo released the NBFH chapter and every other character got a glow-up... except him. He's the same. At least get a haircut, my guy.

5. Sensory Sensitivity. Autistic-coded characters may be overwhelmed by loud noises, bright lights, certain textures, or strong smells. Alternatively, they may be under-responsive to sensory stimuli.

We don't really see him react negatively to sensory input, though we do know from Klub Outside Q&A that he has a bland palate and prefers rice. This might point to sensory issues with food.

His monotonous wardrobe might also be a comfort issue—he's basically in his pajamas 24/7!

6. Blunt Communication. These characters often say exactly what they mean without worrying too much about social norms or diplomacy. They may be perceived as rude, even though they don't intend to offend.

Oh my. I think if anything he has the opposite problem—indirect and evasive to a fault! His speech, too, is meticulously polite. He consistently uses soft, practically feminine-coded polite Japanese grammar, very diplomatic.

7. Difficulty with Eye Contact. The character might find eye contact uncomfortable or even painful, preferring to look away or focus on other things during conversations.

We don't see this during TBTP, but we do with the hat. It is a form of armor, in a way, to keep folks at a distance. This, however, has likely more to do with trying not to draw attention to himself for most of canon. He would prefer to avoid the spotlight; there is more room to maneuver in the dark. But he has no trouble making eye contact when he wants to be intimidating.

8. Emotional Expression. Their emotional expressions may not match what others expect. For example, they might seem to have a neutral or "flat" tone of voice or facial expressions, even when they are feeling strong emotions.

This... is the opposite of a flat affect.

9. Logical and Analytical Thinking. Autistic-coded characters may be exceptionally good at logic, analysis, or pattern recognition, sometimes to the detriment of understanding emotions or social dynamics.

Well, all right, you've got me there. I don't think I even need to spend time on this question. Next?

10. Difficulty with Change. They might find it hard to shift from one task to another or adapt to changes in plans or environments.

In terms of changes in plans and environments, I can't think of anyone more adept to the ground shifting beneath his feet, can you?

So! How did we do?

Points 3, 4, 5, and definitely 9 might have him on the spectrum... but that's less than five out of ten, and aren't we all on the spectrum? That's why it's a spectrum!

If he's a little bit of a jerk when it comes to being considerate and sensitive with peoples' feelings, well, I'm going to say that's just his personality.

[beskar33]

Hiiiiii i'm from reddit!! I saw your comment about what you're studying and just wanted to ask: what's your thoughts on self-shipping from a counseling standpoint? also hope you and Boba have a good day tgether

First off, thank you, darlin'. I love the ficto subs on reddit, they're really positive and fun. Our day has been good, we're chilling after a hectic start to the day and many errands haha.

So, I just wanna be clear before I answer, I am still a student, plus my specialty skews more towards addiction, so anything from me should be taken with a fat grain of salt. I'll pop this under the cut since idk when to shut up.

Anyway. Like most things having to do with our fickle little heads, there is a wide spectrum of what we would consider to be a healthy coping mechanism or a destructive one. Here's the biggest thing you need to know, and this goes for anything, anxiety, addiction: if the behavior in question is causing you distress, causing you to isolate from others, or making it difficult to function in other areas of your life, that's when you need to be concerned.

For the most part, I do believe that a healthy individual can and should be able to freely cope with certain things through fiction. Fiction is powerful and I would even go so far as to say that we probably aren't the first generations to experience this type of love. It makes sense to me that when emotions are heightened during a tense fight or a forbidden romance and our mind is focused on this character, we feel as if we are going on a journey with them. We watch these characters grow and evolve and in turn, we feel like we grew with them. The audience is a part of any story.

And our brains are made for emotional connections. It's what helped us to survive when we were still a newborn race. We are very social creatures and we tend to feel empathy towards anything we can make that link with, whether it be a lizard or a plank of wood with a face on it. This becomes even easier when it's a character who is fully fleshed out or at least has a distinctive personality to attach to.

I use my relationship for company, for stretching my imagination muscles and thinking of new stories, all sorts of things. I'm also demi-aromantic (is that the word? IDK sorry I don't know all the terms) and while I do enjoy/crave romance, I have an extremely particular way I like to go about it and need an extremely particular kind of partner so my relationship with Boba is very fulfilling to me.

But at the same time, it's just a small facet of my life. I have other hobbies that have nothing to do with self-shipping; I read a lot of books, go out exploring with friends, sing at jazz clubs sometimes, lift weights, lots of stuff lol. I'm also in therapy working on myself. My relationship just adds some light to my life, it never takes anything away. That's how it should be, for both ficto and IRL relationships.

TAKEAWAY/TL;DR: No matter what it is, alcohol, video games, or self-shipping, as long as you are functioning well in other parts of your life and the relationship causes no distress, obsessive/ruminating thoughts, isolation, ect. then I think it can be a fantastic way to heal or find comfort. Just make sure that your F/O(s) isn't the ONLY thing you find comfort or joy in, because ultimately that happiness needs to come from inside of you, even if it takes a bit of work to get there.

And please, if need be, don't hesitate to reach out to a counselor or psychologist about this. If they're any good, they will absolutely take your concerns seriously and if they don't, find a new one.

Hope this helped a little, much love to you and yours.

[foreverydinger]

Welcome to the Party || OneShot

TL;DR: Tony copes with the Town Dream in his own way.

Tony, his name was Tony. It was an odd feeling he tried to shrug off. He hated when the dreams changed his goddamn name. Anthony was such a strikingly different person to Tony. It might not seem that way to others, nor would he point it out to those around him, but Tony could feel the difference. There was a level of freedom that came with the person he got to be in Swynlake Dreams, a weight lifted from his shoulders that was dropped firmly in place as soon as he returned to his body.

You see, Anthony was a free mundus, not forgotten, not left behind in a secondary school. He had a life, he grew up surrounded by people. Sure, his parents were usually dead in these town dreams — they couldn’t spare him from it all — but he had his own versions of his lives. This time it had given him Belle, Mitte, Peri, Hot Brad, and Flynn. Tony had barely known Mitte or Flynn — or really Hot Brad but did anyone know Hot Brad well? — but now there were fond memories of a sort of childhood where he had been cared for by them, nurtured and coached in the way that would never be close to the truth.

Town Dreams were bullshit.

Tony threw his coat on a few days after the dream had begun to be just another piece of the Swynlake background, everyone moving on. His friends were a mix of either seasoned dream veterans, able to mostly shake their reactions or, on the opposite end of the spectrum, entirely new to the concept. He’d been surprised to hear that Ian had been spared from the dreams thus far. He tried not to feel jealous of that fact or the fact Ian had been getting married because why would that drive bitter resentment into the pit of his stomach and try to offer some sympathy, some advice.

It had been somewhat hollow despite his best efforts not to be, Tony could only muster up so much sympathetic energy. Ian hadn’t died. He hadn’t drowned like on the Titanic or been brutally murdered like in the Hunger Games. He hadn’t been stabbed to death as a pirate or any of the other brutalities Swynlake often inflicted upon its residents.

Maybe Tony just wasn’t a good friend.

Other people probably would have feigned the kindness better, hid their own issues under a comforting look and empathetic tone, but Tony hadn’t managed that. Instead, he’d tired both of them out over the subject and tried to change it quickly. He hadn’t been a good friend, no. Tony wondered how long it would take Ian to figure that out about him.

Would it be before they moved in to their new apartment where Ian was determined to not only escape the dorm life and avoid moving back with his mother but also keep an eye on Tony so that Tony couldn’t spiral down the path of self-destruction so easily? Tony hoped for both outcomes. He hoped Ian would see through him, see that he was not a good person or good friend and bail before he got himself trapped. He also hoped Ian would stay with the plan.

Tony didn’t want to be alone.

He attached Frito’s leash to her collar, giving the pooch a quick scratch behind the ears and padding off into the night air. She had at least learned to stick close to Tony’s side during walks while in town, for which he was grateful. He didn’t think he could deal with Frito running off at a time like this.

At school Tony was able to put on a brave face, joke around with Pip and Mei K and the others at the lunch table. Make jokes about being a little pickpocket, about Phineas breaking his nose again. There were no hard feelings there, among those in-the-know of the dreams. The Spill had had their fun poking at everyone’s drama — it was nice not to be the center of it for once — and Tony got to duck his head enough to pass by without digging into it.

Where was he going?

He paused, Frito taking an extra second to realize her boy hadn’t kept up beside her. He blinked, glancing around to see where he even was. Tiana’s Place was to his right and it was then that he realized just how far he’d gone. He scratched the back of his neck, the motion turning into him tugging distractedly at the curls on top of his head. Zapatos Rivera was just past the restaurant, a place he still hadn’t approached since the fog incident.

Think, Tony. Where are we going?

He turned sharply to the left to cross Main Street and head toward Main Street Park. Perhaps he’d go to the lake. It was still frozen, yes, but at least he doubted anyone would give him odd looks for wandering around aimlessly with his dog there. He could just think there, just think about anything other than the dream and the weird way all the dreams twisted his head and heart.

They’re just stupid dreams, he reminded himself. There’s nothing more there, nothing but town magic cursing you for a night and leaving you with the memories just to continue to fuck with you for just a little longer. Swynlake thinks she’s funny, thinks that this is the way to cause drama within her limits. Stop putting stock in it.

Easier said than done.

Finding a bench, Tony unhooked Frito’s leash so she could run a bit in the snow in front of him, making sure to keep an eye on the, well, was she a pup anymore? She was certainly young but she was so much bigger than when Tony had gotten her from Greg in November. He allowed his eyes to follow her movements as his brain did its own somersaults.

He wished the memories would fade. That was one of the lesser talked about parts of his curse, one he tried not to point out to Ian. Other people were able, like with all things, to allow the memories to fade from their mind until they were simply anecdotes to be brought up perhaps at parties or as a warning to newcomers of what to expect. Memories faded, maybe not entirely went away, but certainly fell to the wayside and lost the sharp clarity that they had had while actively participating within them.

Tony didn’t get that luxury.

As with all of the people Tony had met over his many years in Swynlake, Tony didn’t lose any of those memories. He harbored the mental images of all his former classmates, former teachers, former neighbors as clear as day in his mind’s eye. He remembered the way they laughed, the way they cried, the little mannerisms they had displayed around him as if the moment were replaying right there in front of him, exactly as clear as when he’d seen it the first time.

Everyone forgot Tony but Tony remembered everyone.

He knew Anthony wasn’t real, he knew Flynn Rider had never picked him out of the gutter and raised him as his own but that didn’t stop those memories from remaining in the back of his mind, bubbling to the surface at a moment’s notice if he didn’t forcibly hold them down.

He remembered every life that he had never lived.

Tony pulled out a cigarette from his jacket pocket — a leftover from the last time Mei K had stopped by his flat — and his lighter. He watched the flame for half a second longer than necessary before lighting the end and taking a long drag, letting that unpleasant feeling of smoke fill his lungs until he couldn’t stand it any longer and letting his lungs deflate.

He supposed he did something like this every time he went through this phenomenon, took a quiet moment alone to decompress and say both a farewell and a greeting to the person he never was and would continue to be.

Welcome to the party, Anthony Rydinger of the 1813 Snuggly Duckling Tavern, you cocky little bastard. Get comfortable, there’s a long road ahead of us.

[djthewhitephoenix]

So My Little Pony is Done

My Little Pony G4 was great but then it wasn’t

I was an HUGE fan of MLP for a long time, hooked into the story as soon as see the first episode because not only was the story was amazing (which my 10 year old brain was very capable of comprehending stuff like that and was probably the only person who cared about stuff like that at my age) and the art was fresh and unique.

For many years i would beg my parents for merch and would always go to stores to see what was new (especially looking for princess celestia stuff) as well as waiting for a new episode every week.

One of the biggest things is this show got me into art (while i did stop for about 2 years because of some really discouraging people the show hooked me into art once again) this show helped me cope with so many things in my life (nothing super severe just stuff to do with learning i was on the spectrum, learning this after wondering why no body liked me as a kid or really struggling to make friends because of social appropriateness and social cues and just saying things off the top of my head without thinking how i could offend people and to this day still struggle with and am grateful for their loyalty, all started to make sense. To add I’m barely even on the spectrum just to clarify, it us so minor that at first glance and few conversations it is not recognizable, but it helped me to realize some things that made me different than other kids.)

NOW TO ANALYZE WHAT WENT WRONG WITH THE SHOW

IT ALL WENT WRONG AFTER THE MOVIE (Btw I loved the movie)

I would like to say it went wrong when they added Starlight but she had her shining moments too

After the movie they were really pushing to get content out and were coming up with too many new characters, designs, plot points, ect. All of these did not work with the shows lore as well as stuff prior. At this point we got 3 element of harmony groups (The Mane 6, The Pillars, and the students that attend twilights school.) so it got really crowded watching the last episode.

I am saddened to see such a beloved show of mine end on such a bad note because it had potential to be great but fell short because of overall rushed quality and poor writing and trying too hard to be what it used to be.

I have more but not sure how to say it but i will edit this when i get more to say

TL;DR- I love mlp it just lost its spark after the movie.

[captawesomesauce]

Thoughts at 350pm (TV stuff)

This is both an update, and a way of collating my thoughts and getting some stuff off my chest and out of my head.

TL;DR - New internet, new TV, switched to cable, faster internet is nice, but I still love reading more.

This week has been one of major change and honestly, I struggle with change sometimes so it's been taxing. If something works, and I'm happy with it, I will usually keep it forever. I'm that way with stuff, I'm that way with relationships lol. I'm easy to please and don't ask for a lot or need much in life, and when change does occur, well, it sets into motion a whole bunch of other Mike stuff.

So let's begin.

My father loves his TV, my father cannot live without his TV. He goes fucking NUTS when he doesn't have his TV. You have to understand that this is a man who never, EVER, turns off his TV. It's on 24/7, even when he sleeps, at 100% volume. When the TV goes out, he goes nuts. I've seen him detox off of Vicodin and dilaudid, I've seen him go sober from drinking and smoking, and it's the same reaction. He can't handle it and his only coping mechanism is to scream and yell and be an asshole.

With the heat, the amplifiers for the DirecTV went out again. This is the 4th time in 3 months. Because we're in a multi-family dwelling, we go through a separate company for equipment for the whole building. This means that even with the "insurance" package we pay each month, we still have to pay a service fee. If you call up, they give you an eta of maybe a week or two for a technician to come out, BUT for 100 bucks they can expedite you to the top of the list! By expedite they mean 3-5 days :|

On top of that, the streaming system never worked on my phone or laptops. Ever. I called them MULTIPLE times and they'd reset something, and it'd work for a short time and then nope. Change the channel and get the same "you are not subscribed" or whatever the error was. I also have ATT phone and the streaming wasn't supposed to count toward my data, but it always did and I'd have to call them because they'd charge me extra for the few times it did work. :| It was a fucking mess.

Internet wise, something happened and our speeds dropped to 10Mbs, and so I emailed Sonic and they said they'd have to bump me up to the next level of service and rewire this or that and it'd cost $99 for the installation and it'd be almost 80 a month for the voice and DSL and that the best I could probably get would be around 40-60Mbs.

So here we are. No TV and bad internet for $177 a month.

Dad then proceeds to make it much worse by calling up the TV people and screaming at them: "YOU MOTHER FUCKERS NEED TO FIX THIS NOW! GET YOUR GOD DAMN (RACIST EPITHET) ASSES HERE IN AN HOUR OR I'M GOING TO…. Blah blah blah. "

Yeah, you can imagine how well that went over.

So it was time for a change, and I switched over to TimeWarner/Charter/Spectrum internet, voice, and TV, and god was it an ordeal!

The first thing was to go online and start figuring out what they had and how it compared to what I did. I decided that for what I was paying I got the low-tier DirecTV and slow DSL and voice, and for around the same price of 180, I could get all of the TV channels for dad, 400Mbs speed for me, and voice. More than that, I could actually get the Pac12 Network for the first time, Fox Soccer for Rugby and Aussie Rules Football, and some other stuff!

More channels, and the actual channels I want, plus faster internet for the same price was a no brainer.

So I went online and that was a nightmare to sign up for, because the promo said free this and free that, but the signup actually didn’t show that.  So I used the online chat and we worked through it all bit by bit. I still need to get the battery backup for the phone but I may look online for a cheaper version. In the end he waved all of the installation and other charges, and most importantly, was able to tell me my FINAL (aka w/taxes) monthly bill. Nothing worse than seeing 120!!! And then finding out it's really 180. Always get them to tell you what your monthly fees will be and end dates of any promos to add to your calendar.

He wanted to port my phone number immediately, but because this was a Friday, the technician wouldn't install it till Tuesday, and that'd mean that as soon as they ported, I wouldn't have any internet due to DSL being tied to that, and I wouldn't be able to buzz anyone into the building until the port and everything was complete. So that was a no go and took about 40 mins for them to figure out the way to do a temp number and still get me the package.

Next frustration was that my appointment was from 10-11am but the guy didn’t show up until almost 130 pm :| They called and called said they were running late, which I appreciate but still, that's a bad way to start this. By 3pm he was still running different wires and drilling holes and everything when we ran into our first major problem. Well, I guess the first major problem is that this condo was never set up for cable in the first place so he had to run everything up from the box in the garage. :| The next was that that would only get you to the main living room and not the two bedrooms, without ugly cables across the carpet. I told him that was a no go, and if he was too lazy to run it around the baseboards or find another way, to just pack up his stuff and leave.

So he did.

I called and they immediately sent out a non-contract installer, and this guy was able to do a much better job. I would have rather had him install a plate on the wall then leave a whole with a wire coming out, but I can deal with that another day.

Next problem was the internet. The speeds were in the 20s and 40s and sometimes hit 100s. They had a tech come out and everything on the meter ran fine, but all of my computers were still slow. It took multiple calls, and messages on forums to figure out what the fuck was going on. I even went and bought new Cat6 cables and still nothing. So I got fed up and told them that they need to drop me from the 400 ultra to the base if I'm only getting base speed! The woman, in seconds, told me "Oh. You're quarantined for some reason." Remember I've had multiple techs come out by this point, and talked to multiple people on the phone and online, and this is now day 3… and she's the first person to notice that. As soon as she removed that, my speeds jumped to the 380-420 range! JFC. But this also meant a whole new networking regime for the house and servers. New ip addresses, new router passthroughs, new everything. It took a good 6 hrs to get everything back up and secure, especially since I prefer to do everything by mac address as there are a lot of wifi stealers in this building.  I also have a web server, ftp server, book server, media server, and other stuff that I had to transition, especially the web addies.

So while that was going on, there was one more issue I've already talked about at length - The fact that I needed a new tv.

Let me be clear about this… I **LIKED** my tv. It fit perfectly with my setup, it was a small 12 inch from the early 90s and it was enough. Yes, it meant that watching sports meant I couldn't actually see the score because it was cut off, and no one was going to come over and watch a movie with me on my tiny 12 inch screen but… it was good enough for me.

I don't really watch TV or movies. I'd much rather read a book or putter about online. I enjoy quiet, or listening to my music or my police/fire radios at a low volume. Most of the time I'm in my room, I'm in my recliner with my kindle and my water jug, and I'm happy.

The TV was basically for news, football, and cartoons. Which are about the only things I watch. Dad's the TV guy, I like books.

But there was no way my old TV would work with the new setup. They don't even have coax out on the new boxes! That's how old my TV was, it didn’t have any other a/v inputs lol. Just coax in.

So this meant I had to buy a new TV. For those that know me, know where this is heading… for those that don't…. Well, welcome to a peek inside the inner workings of how Mike works! Whenever I make a big purchase, it always involves 1 thing - SPREADSHEETS!

Everything I do involves spreadsheets, I live off of excel. It's the only way I can function. Being dysgraphic means I have a very hard time holding onto certain bits of information, so when I'm making a purchase, I find that spreadsheets help a lot. For example, with this TV I started looking at Frys, Best Buy, Costco, Walmart, and Amazon and I had no idea what I wanted or what tvs even do today. But I knew size! I wanted something smallish, so I looked at the 31 and under list. I then started looking at specs, ok this one has this, that one has that, this one does this, this one doesn’t. Eventually I was able to narrow it down to certain things that I really wanted, and things I didn't, and a price range. Next up was to get the most bang for the buck, and so I started realizing that the 32" TCL for 100 bucks was a better deal than all of the 19-28'' by the other brands for 120-170! But you never buy a TV on specs, you have to see it, so I went to bestbuy and you know what? I really liked it even when compared to all of the others like the LG and Sharp next to it.

As I said before: --- The guy at the store tried to upsell me saying I needed this and that, and other hooziewitchits, and that I wouldn’t be happy with anything under a 600 dollar tv….

You should have seen his face when I explained that I was upgrading from a 12 inch tv from the early 90s. You could literally see his brain shift gears. It was like “oh.” All the sales pitches he as bout contrast ratios and response times and connectors for playstations and bluetooth and surround sound and light and sound bars… all went out the window. Literally ANY tv, even the worst tv, is an upgrade from what I had lol.

My mother was the worst lol. As soon as I told her what I bought she was all “Oh that’s so small, … I mean it’s fine for a little bit… but you’ll definitely want a bigger one soon! Small tvs aren’t good enough for very long, you should start looking at sales now.” … I’m like… this is a 32… I had a 12. I had a 12 for 25 years.. I’m thinking that I’m not going to go “man, this is too small” any time soon lol. I even said that to her and she just said “i know… but… ” lol she couldn’t fault the logic, but she wouldn’t give up her argument that it’s just too small.

One thing about me is that when I buy something, I take very good care of it and have it for a long time. I still have my same stereo (dual tape, 3 cd) from when I started high school, my 17 inch monitor is from that time too. 94 or so. My desk and dresser are from when I was a child, probably around 7.

I don’t need the latest or greatest, and I don’t need to constantly replace things with better and better. If it does what I want it to do, it’s fine! This tv wasn’t the best, but it was the best at it’s price. 32 inches, smart roku tv, wifi, and it fits on my small tv able! For 100 bucks… Sharp, LG, Samsung, all had other tvs but they were 150-200 bucks and had less features.

I’m happy with the purchase :)

One of my favorite things so far is being able to screencast from my phone and computer to it. Y'all know how much I love watching things on youtube, especially concerts, and this works so great because I can throw it over to the tv and not take up one of the 3 monitors. ---

I've also been playing around with the various apps and settings, like using the HDMI connector to connect it to my laptop which allowed me to do things like run the Fox Sports Go app with 4 screens, or use my WinTV DualHD usb stick to have picture in picture for local channels (I'm thinking that'll be good for football and maybe breaking news like pursuits or fires), also the built in apps for youtube and amazon prime and stuff.

The hardest part was figuring out what channel was what. On directv there were never any "dual channels" 7 was 7 and only 7. On mom's cable in Arizona 5 is 5 SD, and 1005 is 5 HD. See how simple that is? You just add 1000 and boom, HD. On Charter/TW/Spectrum/Whatever the fuck name they want to add, it's all over the place.  Cartoon network is both 66 and 264, and both are HD. Animal Planet is 10 and 132. KABC is 7 and 1200. It's ludicrous, and for some channels there are 3! All show the same thing, at the same time, all in HD. I had to use excel to make a spreadsheet and copy and paste the channels from a channel guide into it, then use a macro to clean it up, and then use conditional formatting to highlight the duplicate channels. Once I did that, I could then sort, edit, and create a favorite tv channel list! Out of 625 channels that I get, I added 100 or so to my favorites.  Sheesh! That was hard fucking work! And then I had to save the fav list to my tv and to the watch.spectrum.net website, and then to the spectrum tv app on my tv.

So now I have the channels I want, the tv is set up, and the streaming on the tv, phone, and laptop are set up.

Now we have the biggest problem of all. As I mentioned before, I don't really watch tv or movies.

I have a list of stuff I've been meaning to watch: A&E's Hornblower series, The Sharpe series, Lucifer, Daredevil, Punisher, Archer, and Preacher come to mind. I'm sure there are others that I should watch too…

Movies that come to mind are Dunkirk, The Star Treks, Spiderman (any of them), Thor (any of them), Any of the Marvel movies actually, Deadpool II, The 2nd british spy movie thing that I can't remember, Ghostbusters, Jurrasic stuff, Scott Pilgrim, probably a shit ton of others.

But… I find myself still just enjoying reading my books instead of wanting to turn the tv on. I like my books, lol. All of that work and doo-dads and everything and the tv sits off.

I mean, I'd probably love to watch game of thrones or sons of anarchy or a dozen great shows but….. Books.

So we'll see if that changes with the new tv or not. We'll see :)

[yallarewild]

20 reasons why i think self dx is dangerous (as a nd/mentally ill person who’s spent a decade researching psych)

this was made purely to highlight the dangers of self diagnosis and the importance of necessary medical treatment

important disclaimers:

self dx =/= self advocacy, i.e. researching symptoms that you think you might have and trying to compare them to your own behavior without actually dxing yourself, regardless whether you are going to seek medical help. i believe this is extremely important: it can provide you w/a sense of validation to know you’re not alone, and it can put you in touch with your feelings a little more once you realize there actually may be something going on with you. 

this post is not made for the intention of judging the character of people who self dx- there are many other posts out there about the ableism factors,  the trivialization of mental illness, or the way tumblr communities handle mental illness, etc.

tl;dr: .it’s not a fucking joke, please go get checked out by a professional medical practitioner, or don’t (but pls do), but whatever you do please don’t self dx

i often see the phrase “no one knows you better than yourself” as a justification for self dx and while you’re the only one who has access to your emotions and thoughts, no one is objective about their health, thoughts, and emotions. it’s impossible to truly dx yourself with any mental disorder because you subconsciously bring different types of cognitive biases into the process – this is why “medical intern syndrome” is such a prevalent phenomenon. you might know your emotions and thoughts, but this fails to address the fact that your perception of your feelings are grossly affected by your true mental illness (which says something ab your mental illness in and of itself).

not having access to mental health care doesn’t mean you should dx yourself with a mental illness, its not black or white. i often see teenagers saying they don’t want to get a prof dx because they don’t want their parents involved and i totally understand that, ableism is so terrible and i’ve experienced it for so long, trust me. luckily, there are ways to access mental health care at little to no cost, insurance or not, without getting your parents involved, but im not here to judge those who struggle w/resources to care.

untreated mental illness does not go away & a pro dx is crucial for access to treatment, disability benefits or other types of care or services. this could literally mean life or death. the prognoses for untreated mental illnesses are across the board terrible and may have devastating effects on your life: the longer they’re left untreated because you decided to not seek treatment, the more disabling they’re going to become. like one argument for self dx is that not everyone can access mental health care/resources…so instead they do something that literally prevents them from accessing resources….. uhhhhhh ??

you could put yourself in grave danger because symptoms of mental disorders may actually be life threatening symptoms of serious physical issues requiring medical care: thyroid issues, liver damage, vitamin deficiencies, blood/bone/brain infections, neurological disorders, many types of cancer, autoimmune disorders, brain tumors, epilepsy, diabetes, etc

you could put yourself in grave danger because you may be dealing with early symptoms of a more serious mental illness, such as schizophrenia, DID, etc. there are many early symptoms that mask other disorders. obv all mental illnesses are very serious but if you self dx with depression because you’re experiencing the “negative” symptoms of schizophrenia: lethargy, lack of affect, etc. you may not think a pro dx is necessary and early treatment is crucial for successful long term treatment of schizophrenia.

there is so much misinformation about what symptoms look & a psychiatrist is able to determine the degree and direction of the symptoms. there is a huge spectrum within each symptom and it honestly takes a trained medical professional to determine the severity. for ex: mood swings are common in both bipolar disorder & BPD but they look and feel totally different for each disorder. people justify this with: “well i fit the literal dsm diagnosis” except,,,, you probably dont. the dsm was NOT designed for people who are not medical professionals to interpret- there are nuances of specific symptoms that determine a dx

just because you experience several behaviors doesn’t necessarily mean you have a mental illness at all, diagnoses are based on the specific combination of symptoms. you may look at mood swings, anxiety and issues w/interpersonal relationships, and think you def have bpd; however it’s important to factor in that mood swings/anxiety are associated with hormones, eating patterns, stress, situational conditions etc but since you’re in the lens of looking for a diagnosis you might point to that and think it fits within that diagnostic criteria. im not saying you’re faking or don’t have a mental illness, im saying one or more of your symptoms may not be accounted for mental illness.

if you self dx and then don’t get treatment and/or medication you’re generally at a HIGH risk for self medication which may or may not include self-harm and substance abuse. since mental illnesses generally do not get better over time, so the longer you wait, the higher your chances of engaging in self destructive behaviors. there are some mental disorders that are literally inherent chemical imbalances that can really only be treated with medication, no matter how much self care you engage in.

i often see the argument that “psychiatrists just go down a checklist to diagnose you and that’s it!”, as well as, “My psychiatrist googled ‘x disorder quiz’ and printed the first one that came up!! i was in and out in five minutes!!!” as justifications for self dx: like either your psychiatrist needs to get their fucking license revoked or that’s just not true. the testing process generally takes an hour and involves diff types of observations of behavior as well as a very long list of questions- it’s not a fucking list printed from the internet from a random site.

additionally i see, “psychiatrists make mistakes too!!” right, true but the chances of a psychiatrist making a mistake vs the chances of you making a mistake are very slim in relation to each other due to the reasons listed here, i.e. decades of research on a phd level

just because some people go to the psychiatrist post-self dx and learn they were correct about their self dx doesnt mean that it applies to everyone and REGARDLESS it doesnt mean you shouldnt get professionally diagnosed anyway. these are a few experiences out of a million. it literally doesn’t mean that you are definitely right in yours.

quizzes taken on the internet aren’t fucking diagnosis (and neither is 6 months of research)??? like i don’t care if you’ve taken ten of them. if they’re designed with the proper controls they could def help SCREEN for mental illness symptoms, but even then it requires a lot of second party consulting, it’s something you’re literally not qualified for, for the reasons listed above.. if i took diff quizzes or tried to research my symptoms i could def try and self dx with so many diff disorders that aren’t even comorbid. they need to be interpreted by a medical professional and are usually designed to help guide ppl towards treatment

“all psychiatrists are neurotypical and dont understand my mental illness!” how do you know they’re neurotypical? they wouldn’t tell you even if they were??? also what does being neurotypical have to do with their ability to correctly do their job???? would you expect an oncologist to have gone through cancer in order to do their job?

the concept of self fulfilling prophesy is hard at work with self diagnosis; if you attach a label of depression to yourself it’s going to influence your behavior and self perception whether or not you’re aware of it. you might end up seriously damaging yourself because youre trying to fit the diagnosis. when i obsessively tell myself i feel very depressed, after awhile i actually prevent myself from feeling better because i keep telling myself i’m depressed, for example.

one phrase i see a lot: “well people self dx with a cold, why is this any different?” well, for one thing, the physical ramifications of a cold and a chronic mental illness ie a literal chemical imbalance in your brain are miles apart. they’re not even medically comparable in terms of immediate and long-term effects. additionally, it really highlights the fact that many people treat mental illness as a personalized experience whereas they treat their physical health w/objective opinions from medical professionals. this analogy is not only inaccurate but it’s dangerous as fuck.

people might not be aware symptoms they’re experiencing are abnormal because that’s their normal state based on their actual mental illnesses. for ex someone who suffers from an anxiety dx might just be used to adapting to it their whole life when they actually have a serious disorder and not even think about getting help for it. your baseline cannot be assessed objectively.

sometimes the self dx community is enabling in a bad way- the lack of treatment for disorders real or otherwise make them more susceptible to encouraging/justIfying unhealthy coping habits. its kind of like the blind leading the blind. like it’s just not a good idea.

just because it might take a couple diff psychiatrists to get an accurate diagnosis isnt a good justification for self dx. this can be due to a million different reasons- maybe you were diff ages when you saw each one, maybe you were exhibiting signs of something else at the time- i was originally diagnosed with depression before bipolar disorder because my mental health hadn’t stabilized so my mania wasn’t present.

using the excuse of “ask someone close to you what they think about you possibly having [x] dx” as a legitimate step towards self diagnosis is as bad as saying you don’t have a personal bias… like the answer from your friend/family member is based on so many factors: the nature of the relationship, how honest the person is, their emotional state at the time, their own ability to analyze the people around them, how aware of psychological symptoms they are, their bias towards mental illness, the way the symptom description is presented,   the setting the discussion took place, etc etc

last but not least, i see the phrase: “well mental illness didn’t suddenly appear as soon as i got a diagnosis!” obviously it was always there but you may have mislabeled it before your diagnosis if you self dx’d first, thats it. no one is pretending mental illnesses suddenly appear when a professional diagnosis is assigned

your best “research” on the internet is not equal to ten years of medical school, its just not, and it’s concerning to me that self diagnosis is such a prevalent trend on here. please seek treatment, even if it’s in the form of your high school or college counseling center; the links i’ve provided in number 3 may be helpful in locating mental health care, whether it’s a community mental health care center, or a therapist close to you who offers reduced cost treatment.

you owe it to yourself, it’s 10000% worth it.

[peach1337xo]

911.

I’ll admit I was really worried about Lady Gaga’s song 911. “Pop a 911, and pop another one”

It’s anti-psychotic medication, not Pringles. Once you pop, you’re definitely supposed to stop. Let it do it’s thing.

My main concern was that her 911 might be a common but commonly-abused anxiety med like a Valium or a Xanax, which are so trendy right now in the world of pop. Pop one, pop another one, and another and another...and find yourself just recreationally popping a Xanny at the mildest inconvenience instead of tackling the actual root of the problem.

But then I learned that Gaga’s 911 was an old friend-slash-adversary I’ve had in my own life; olanzapine, aka Zyprexa. I spent about two years on olanzapine and I’m really not sure why. 

It started around about January 2007 when I lost my job, got very into smoking pot, and reading Perez Hilton. This was the exact same time as Britney was going through her very-publicised stuff. Our meltdowns were mirrored.

But anyway, I was depressed and not coping with the real world very well at all (something I’d learn much later was probably my undiagnosed autism) while also on the end of a couple of years’ caning at the clubs and taking E (and other stuff) most weekends (I didn’t understand the concept of giving it a rest). I started my first anti-depressant shortly beforehand and had a rotten time of it, and also started with a psychologist (also, a rotten time. Too much “you’re an awful child for taking drugs” and not enough “let’s look at why you feel the need to peace out on reality every weekend”.)

Eventually I end up living back at Mum and Dad’s, constantly chastised for anything and everything to do with the clubs and forcibly removed from my entire social support network. (This one hurt a lot, especially as someone with such tremendous difficulty building and maintaining friendships.) And somehow, I didn’t manage to be getting any healthier! I actually seemed to be getting worse! I would buy six tins of energy drink (who remembers Samedi?) and have little, legal benders alone. (I’d drink a lot in private too. A LOT.)

And then, the worst bit, I would eventually scrub myself “clean” of club life and banish dance music, fluoro clothing, and everything remotely ravey to the depths of my soul and re-emerge a Chuck Taylor wearing indie rock queen backed by a soundtrack of whiney guitar rock and Triple J. (The one highlight of this era was the band Klaxons, who managed to blend the two and provide an “acceptable” guitar based lifeline to the rave.)

I’m getting off track here. What I really want to say here, is in this bleak period of total self loss I engaged the services of a dreadful GP with no business treating the mental health of a young woman in the mid 2000s. He had absolutely no clue what I was experiencing, and one time (probably in 2007, 13 years ago) I said “hey maybe I’m autistic or on the spectrum or something, and that’s why I can’t operate in a typical way in the real world” and I was laughed at and told not to bring it up again. And then for about two years he flitted between garden variety “anxiety and depression”, Bipolar 1, Bipolar 2 and eventually ended up with the grand daddy of bad diagnoses; Borderline Personality Disorder. And given Zyprexa to take daily.

I did end up in the hospital a lot, but that was out of total pure desperation. I was numb and lifeless, but fed up. I’d scratch myself up with a razor superficially just to get dramatic enough for an admission, but not enough for it to actually hurt. (My real self-harm, I recognise now, was my drinking and the head-hitting.) No one’s listening, and nothing is improving...and the only way to get anyone to spend more than five minutes with my case was an admission.

I felt like in this era, leading all the way up to 2013 when I had the mother of all breakdowns/breakthroughs I was rewarded for being a good little girl and basically being the antithesis of myself. Mum once said “I feel like I have my girl back again” and I was very, very not myself. I was a fantasy pastiche of every behaviour that I’d know I’d get brownie points for, and yet I’d look in the mirror and see someone totally unrecogniseable. My only safe place to think and behave as myself was late at night in front of a computer connected to weirdos around the globe while the real world outside was shrouded in peaceful darkness. Inside my headphones I was able to sneak back into my electronic power-world of dance music. Eventually I totally lost the plot, feeling totally shackled by trying to be this *thing* I’d invented to make everyone around me happy.

I started waking up from this fake iteration of myself in about late 2014 when I started dating this very pretty guitar rock waif type, who I realised after about thirty seconds I absolutely hated. He was all whiskey and Nashville, sadness as art and drowning in an unpayable bar tab. Absolute wanker. I’d come home from visiting and just want to listen to the hardest, most abrasive electronic music I could muster. Sawtooth and square waves for me please! Nothing natural. I made a folder of music called ELECTROFUCK which I’d retreat into. A classic move of mine has always been to do the opposite of the thing I’m supposed to be doing, and then do it at absolute full tilt. It took me a while to find myself not disgusted by finding a middle point and just go in a vague opposite direction. HARDCORE ‘TIL I DIE, she said in 2005. She really meant it. Well anyway, ELECTROFUCK was the turning point where I started to say to myself that electronic music is not the devil, raves were not a waste of time and were SO much more than just mindless hedonistic drug benders (and even if they were, fuck it?), and that I owed it to myself to enjoy whatever I find enjoyable and not just do what is palatable to everyone else. I had drunk the Kool-Aid and in the process lost myself completely, and was now starting to find myself again. (Thanks, skinny man from the Valley. Your mediocre “anyway, here’s Wonderwall”-ness reawakened me. Go eat a sandwich.)

It’s now 2020 and I am rebuilding myself after the total and utter molecular disintegration of my being, kicked off by two years of Dr, K’s daily 911 calls.

I’ll say something about my own experience with Zyprexa and what I’d do differently with what I know now. 

THIS LINE IS FOR EMERGENCIES ONLY.

...and the truth is, there were probably no emergencies. I was never manic or in proper danger. I was an undiagnosed autistic person struggling with total lack of social support, an unsupportive family environment (a plate and a roof does not a supportive family make), and absolutely no assistance from anyone anywhere in making my way out. I was desperate, not dangerous. This is why I drank myself stupid for such a long time. The overarching message was “no one cares”. (It still is, but I’m angry enough now to let that fire me up.) Ummm, tl;dr? Don’t let yourself be overmedicated and moulded into something you’re not, but be grateful there’s always three numbers you can dial when things are really, truly, overwhelmingly out of control.

[ofwonderment]

Hakkai; HC Colour Psych

Let me start by saying, I saw something that intrigued me recently to do a bit of research. I’ve always loved the colour green, which prompted me into further research on the topic I saw… And anyone who knows Saiyuki knows that Hakkai is associated with the colour green. Welp, I’ve essentially been researching the psychological aspect of colours recently. And what I found out amazed me.

TL;DR: Colours are fucked up and ruin my life as much as finding a Zodiac for Koumyou did! And I’m a complete lazy ass who could be doing important or cool things, but sits here writing a fucking essay on colours.

To start, I’ll be listing the ‘positive’ and 'negative’ keywords associated with green on a psychological level. Then I’ll be going into depth about the psychology of the colour and how it associates with Hakkai.

Positive; Growth, vitality, renewal, restoration, self-reliance, reliability, dependability, tactful, emotionally balanced, calm, nature lover, family oriented, practical, down to earth, sympathetic, compassionate, nurturing, generous, kind, loyal, high moral sense, adaptable, encouraging of social joinings (clubs and other groups), a sense of belonging.

Negative; Possessive, materialistic, indifferent, over-cautious, envious, selfish, greedy, miserly, devious with money, inconsiderate, inexperienced, do gooder

So, looking at that list it’s easy to pick out a few words that describe Hakkai very well. What I want to do is go into depth in these and explain how they may hit his personality on the head with an even better understanding.

Green is considered to be in the middle of the colour spectrum, according to colour psychology, thus it’s the most balanced. It takes traits of mental clarity and optimism from yellow, and a calmness and insightfulness of blue. Hakkai often displays an air of calmness and optimism (maybe not towards his own fate but he’s generally displaying a friendly and happy air about him). While Sanzo is the most insightful of the group, Hakkai himself shows a good understanding of situations, a calm mind, and the ability to read situations quickly and easily.

Due to the amazing balance of the colour, green tends to be a natural peacemaker with a tendency to become a martyr. Hakkai is the mother of the group, putting arguments to rest, being the mediator within disputes. He is willing to die for his sins, and to make things right. He goes so far to heal others that he wears himself out. Another trait of green that this matches with is a generous spirit, and allows nurturing both to others and oneself (or in other words it also gives the ability to love and nurture ourselves and others). Green is after all linked to the heart. The healing aspects can also be related to the restoration or rejuvenating aspects of it. Green revitalises people when they are physically, mentally, or emotionally exhausted.

Green also tends to have a love of observation. This aspect relates to the counsellor, the good listener, the social worker, the charity worker, the good parent, and the helpful neighbour. If anything, Hakkai provides a mental support. For Sanzo he is more or less  the only person that can dig deep and get to see at least some semblance of his issues. Hakkai if anything is a mother to the group, as stated before, relating to the good parent. He can listen without judgement, due to what he has done himself, and help others reach the conclusions they need to. The best part of this is that the colour also tends to keep confidences.

An emotionally positive colour, green tends to take a moral stand in making appropriate decisions, causing them to be judgemental or over-cautious. They have a strong sense of right or wrong, and invites good judgement, allowing it to see both sides and weigh them accordingly. This one is self-explanatory with Hakkai. It often shows that he understands the consequences of actions, and he can judge right and wrong without being subjective. As I stated before, he has done many things wrong in his life. He understands things that are morally wrong, and he chooses the morally right options. He does not allow his understanding of the other side to sway him. In a sense this can be considered judgemental, though he is more open about his disagreement og doing negative actions when it comes to his friends.

Green also tends to provide persistence and the strength to cope with adversary. I feel no need to explain this one. It’s really straight forward with Hakkai’s personality.

Little bit of a joke one here, just found it amusing. Green is a symbol of prosperity and abundance of finance and material wealth. This prosperity gives a feeling of safety. When I first read this, all I could think of was how amazingly lucky Hakkai is, particularly when it comes to card games.

The last thing I will note for the positive traits will be in regards to the growth and the renewal and rebirth aspect. This I relate to Hakkai/Gonou thing. Yes, same person, but essentially, Hakkai was 'reborn’ and started fresh as a new person. This is also going to be the gateway into the more negative aspects, since most of them I relate to the more hidden traits of his old self. They do still exist in Hakkai they’re just buried deep.

Do getting into the negatives, most of this is speculation, and since less of the psychology I found went into the same detail with the negatives as the positives, this will mostly just be playing off of the key words and how they, in my mind match up with Hakkai.

Starting with selfish. So, this may be an odd reason to consider Hakkai selfish, actually this subject will tie into a lot of the negative aspects. To be fair, this specific part I’m going to be talking about isn’t the only instance that the negative traits for sure, but it’s the easiest one to look into, analyse, and the most well known instance. And that’s Hakkai’s relationship with his sister. While he wasn’t selfish towards his sister, the relationship itself can be considered selfish on both parts. Instead of just keeping their relation as a normal sibling one, there was a selfish desire to remain closer to one another, closer than any family member should be. Not only was this due to the separation, and the need to be complete, as I’m sure any pair of twins would feel… I see this relationship being driven out of a sense of a self-love. I mean they were so similar to one another, twins, while differing in personalities, the motives, I feel were twisted. They may not have known this at the time, but I definitely see it this way. Selfishness can even be seen more easily in the instance that Hakkai found Kanan taken away. He didn’t care about what may have happened to the village, instead, he cared more about his sister than anything else. His selfish desire even caused him to destroy the villiage and go on a rampage murdering demon after demon. This also lends to the 'possessive’ part of Green’s negative aspect.

Materialistic, devious with money,, and miserly are some of the few things that I don’t fully see in relation. However, Olive Green is listed partially as 'suggesting deceit, treachery, and blaming others for problems.’ Blaming others for the problems not so much. Deceit is actually something that has carried over with Hakkai. While you don’t think of Hakkai as deceitful, you need to look at his entire personality. Take a look at the near constant smile, the underlying tones of self hate, and the (very hard to notice) moments where he almost wants his life to self-destruct. He is deceitful not only to others but to himself as well.

Miserly is shown, not to a major degree, but there are times you can see Hakkai worried about cost of items, even comparing items for the best price. No its not a terrible thing, but it is something that relates to the 'negative’ traits from the colour green.

Greedy is the hardest to put into perspective. There are moments I can see traits of it. But they’re hard to state off the top of my head. This part is probably the most confusing to try and explain my thoughts on.

Indifferent, more notable during his child and even with Kanan. Hakkai didn’t care about others. Yes he liked teaching children, but he didn’t truly care about them. During his childhood at the orphanage this was most obvious. I assume all through his schooling he kept to himself and didn’t care about others. That in part is the attraction to Kanan when he met her again.

Over all, different shades of green have different traits that apply most to them. In my opinion the ones that fit Hakkai the best is:

Jade Green: Trust and confidentiality, tact and diplomacy. This indicates the generosity of the spirit, giving without expecting anything in return. It increases worldly wisdom and understanding, assisting in the search of enlightenment.

Dark Green: Brings about degrees of resentment. Ambitious, striving for more wealth. Signifies greed and selfish desire.

Aqua Green: Calms the spirit and offers protection and healing for the emotions.

Olive Green: While the colour tends to be perceived as a peace offering, in actuality it suggests deceit and treachery as well as blaming others for your problems. It can also mean the strength of character, in that it can overcome adversity to develop understanding and caring for the feelings of others.

[natkat-140]

National Coming Out Day

I’ve always known that I was attracted to women. I grew up with a lot of my girlfriends saying things like “omg I would become lesbian for Angelina Jolie” or like “that girl in our math class is so hot, if I was into girls I’d date her.” As a teen, I heard about girls making out with other girls, and it was just a thing that happened. Like, straight girls making out with other straight girls. It felt like it was commonplace for straight women to be sexually attracted to women. (What?) Five, ten, and fifteen years later, I found out that most of those friends of mine who said those things ended up coming out as lesbian or bisexual. Haha. Anyways, at the time though, even though I was attracted to women, I saw my “straight” friends saying that they were attracted to women, and I was like oh ok, I guess I’m straight too.

Additionally, most of the time I wasn’t as attracted to women as I was to men, so I felt like I couldn’t rightfully claim to be bisexual. Some days I liked women more than men, some days I didn’t like women at all. I thought that it had to be fifty/fifty or nothing. I didn’t want to say I was bisexual when those feelings towards women were often less-than, and sometimes absent.

Over the last year or so, I had done a lot more research about the queer community and what different labels meant and how I could be a better ally, because, you know, I was straight. I found myself closely identifying with certain descriptions, and light bulbs popped up when I read about how sexuality is a spectrum, and that sexual attraction can be fluid. And while I mostly have been attracted to cis men and women, I’ve also found myself being attracted to transgender actors - both male-to-female and female-to-male - and people who identify as non-binary or gender fluid. I’m still figuring out what the proper labels would be for how I identify, and experience will help with that. I’ve never had a relationship with a person that wasn’t a cis male, so I’m open to learning more about myself. But for now, I say that I am bi+ / pansexual (TL;DR description is basically that I don’t discriminate romantic, emotional, or sexual attraction based on what body parts a person was born with or what gender, if any, they identify as.)

I had really, really wanted to go to Pride events this past summer. I wanted to be a part of all the joy and love and support and wonderful togetherness of the queer community. I even showed up to a couple of them, but because I wasn’t fully “out,” I felt like a fraud. My guilt and anxiety and shame got the best of me so I left the events after only 20 minutes or so of being there. How can I be proud when I’m not out? How can I claim that I have pride when I’m too scared to tell my parents? How can I come to this kind of event and disrespect all these wonderful humans who ARE out, who DID face their fears, who CAN be proud of their actions; how can I stand beside them and pretend that I’m one of them?

Elana Rubin wrote a lovely little piece on celebrating when you’re not out, which you can read in its entirety here, but I’m including this excerpt now:

“You should remember that just because you're not "out," you're no less queer or no less deserving of a space in the community. If you identify somewhere along the LGBTQ+ spectrum, Pride Month is just as much yours as anyone else's – there are no certifications to prove your queerness to gain celebrating a month that is simply yours. So don't feel pressured or the need to come out in order to be "validated" to celebrate Pride Month. Just being yourself warrants celebration enough during this monthlong appreciation of queer folk, so you should join in however feels comfortable to you.”

I wish I had read that before today!

My coming out experience has been over a long time. First, I casually came out to some of my friends here and there over the last year or so.

A friend would ask “So, have you met any guys lately?” referring to my dating life.

I’d answer “No, I haven’t met any guys, no ladies either.”

“Hah… wait so you like girls?”

“Yeah. And guys too.”

“Oh. Cool. Where do you wanna get lunch?”

I was glad that it didn’t have to always be this big spectacle. Not to say that my sexual identity wasn’t important to me, but it took a lot of pressure off of me to be able to just mention it rather than have like a formal meeting with people individually or to come out to everyone all at once over Facebook.

I came out to both of my brothers a few weeks ago. Honest to goodness, I thought they both already knew or at least had some inclination that I wasn’t entirely straight. I was nervous to tell them. Not because of fear that they wouldn’t accept me or love me; I knew for a damned fact that they would fully, unequivocally support me and love me, just as I would them. I was probably nervous because it meant that I was one step closer to telling my parents, which I actually was scared to do. Telling my brothers went just as well as expected and they expressed their love and support and it was wonderful and they are wonderful.

I shared this information on a Saturday night in-person with one brother, and on Sunday afternoon with the other over the phone because he lives far away. When I was done with the phone call, I was at home reflecting on how well the interactions went with both of them and how excited I was to tell my therapist that I came out to them and then I was suddenly overcome with a fucking weird-ass mix of panic and relief and regret. Yeah, I was really confused about what I was feeling. I sobbed and sobbed and screamed into my pillow and I got up and grabbed my keys to leave and then realized I shouldn’t drive so I threw my keys across the room and I cried more and I stood there alone in my room, frantically looking around for help, and actually yellied out-loud “help me!”

I don’t know who the fuck I thought I was talking to or what kind of help I needed, but I was freaking out. I thought about calling some of my queer friends and asking them for help, but again, I didn’t know what the fuck I needed. Like what would I say? “I had a really positive and personal experience with two of the four people in my life who love me the very most and they still love me the very most and it was awesome and nothing bad happened! Wahh!” Hahah, yeah. Basically. I dunno. Anyways I cried for like 2 hours and then I was fine. I can’t even imagine what I would have felt if it hadn’t gone well.

Coming out to my parents was something I had talked to my therapist about, and he helped me feel comfortable about not telling them until I was really ready. I had also considered not coming out to them unless I became seriously involved with someone who didn’t identify as a cis-man. After a little while, though, I realized that I want to continue having a close relationship with my parents, and that I wanted to be able to be my full, true self with them, so I decided that I would tell them, at some point, soonish. I had planned on having a session with my therapist where we talked about how I should approach it and what kind of steps I should take to prepare for it and what positive coping strategies I should have in place in case it didn’t go well and it was going to be this whole, well-thought-out production. That didn’t end up happening at all!

Yesterday I picked up my dad from the airport. When I dropped him off at home, we were about to hug goodbye, and I felt this strong urge to blurt out ���I’M BISEXUAL!” Fortunately, I had the self-restraint to NOT do that, lol. I told him there was something I wanted to talk to him about and then I felt like I had to vomit and then I started back-peddling and thinking of other things I could talk to him about that would warrant me saying that I wanted to talk to him about it so that I wouldn’t have to talk to him about me being bisexual. I had considered how I thought he might react. I thought that most likely, he would just say “ok,” not be able to look me in the eye, tell me he would pray for me, and then maybe avoid talking about it ever again. I thought maybe, maybe, it would be possible that he would get mad and disappointed and ask God why and ask me how I could do this do him and at the end he’d tell me it was ok because he knew it was just a phase and that I’d come to my senses soon enough. I dunno, I had never really talked to my dad about how he felt about queer people. I’ve never heard him explicitly condemn that lifestyle, but he is Catholic, and I used to be Catholic, and I know what the Catholic church teaches about queer lifestyles.

He invited me into his house and told me to have a seat while he put some things away. I walked in and looked at the chair which was way too far away from the door that I thought I’d have to bolt out of when he didn’t take the news well. I didn’t sit down. He put some things away, came back out, and again said “have a seat.” I didn’t, and I walked closer to the door. I told him, “I thought you should know, I’m not entirely straight.” He nodded his head and said gently and sweetly, “Okay.” I kept going, trying to do prophylactic damage control, explaining how I’ve known this for a long time and it doesn’t change who I am and I still feel the same about relationships and love and intimacy and it doesn’t make me a bad person and - before I could even get like, halfway through what I was going to say, I’m guessing he saw my eyes constantly shifting and avoiding his gaze and he heard my voice starting to tremble and that I was tripping over my words and he placed his hand on my shoulder and said very reassuringly, “nana, it’s okay, God made you the way you’re supposed to be, and I love you for being you.”  wHAT! Oh. OH! He hugged me and said “I love you” and I was overwhelmed with pleasant surprise and relief that he not only still loved me but also accepted that this was a part of who I am and I started crying and I said “thank you” and he said “no, you never need to thank me for loving you.” Which totally didn’t make me cry more.

I figured since I came out to my dad unexpectedly, I should probably tell my mom too. I went over to her house and I told her there was something I wanted to talk to her about. She told me this worried her. I assured her everything was fine and we could talk about it later. We chatted and laughed and she gave me some pumpkin spiced rum and a pair of shoes (thanks mom!). We both had appointments that we had to leave for, so it was a little bit rushed, but when we were hugging goodbye I told her, “Mom, I’m bisexual. I thought you should know.” She looked at me blankly for about 2 seconds, then her face lit up, and she said “you like girls?!?” I laughed, said “yeah, and guys.” She frowned, and said, “isn’t that too much?” I laughed again, and then she laughed, and said “Okay banano, you can’t change who you are and I still love you. Just don’t date anyone shitty, I don’t want to see you crying unless they’re tears of joy. Does your dad know?” I told her about our interaction and she was stoked just like I was.

I wasn’t as nervous about telling my mom because she’s always had gay and lesbian friends, and I was living with her back when Prop 8 was a thing, and we talked about gay rights when she had seen me gearing up with “NO on 8” signs to go protest it. I still certainly felt like I should prepare for her to not be stoked, though, because like my dad, she is also Catholic. Both of my parents probably grew up being taught that being anything but straight was wrong and punishable by an eternity in hell. I figured my mom would likely accept it, but that there still might be the possibility of her being like “yeah I’m okay with my friends being queer, but not my own daughter.” But like my dad, my mom is rad. And I am stoked.

However, I completely recognize how unbelievably fortunate I am to have such loving and supportive family and friends. So, SO many people are not anywhere near as fortunate. Not everyone who wants to come out can do so safely. Not everyone who does come out is welcomed with love and support. Which is why visibility and community and allies are so important. Sharing intimate details may not be for everyone, and that’s completely fine. But, I will say, that when I’ve learned about others’ personal lives and certain details about them (most relevantly, regarding sexual orientation and mental health issues), it has helped me. It helped me feel less alone and more empowered, which is why I’ve been sharing about mine these past two days. It’s a funny coincidence that yesterday was mental health day and today was coming out day, and those two have played a large part in my life lately.

Anyways, the following websites / accounts may be helpful for those queer people who feel isolated or unsafe or who need assistance after coming out.

<3

https://www.thetrevorproject.org

https://www.pride.com/

https://www.hrc.org/

https://www.aclu.org/

https://www.glaad.org/

http://www.pflag.org/

http://www.noh8campaign.com/

https://itgetsbetter.org/

Instagram:

@queertraffic

@operationwarmwishes