#[[ set??? sometime before zack is. you know ]] | Explore Tumblr posts and blogs

rottenpumpkin13 · 1 year ago

Note

So how did the Firsts setting Lazard up on a date go? You mentioned it in an old post, and I'm curious.

Malicious Non-Compliance

wc: 3291

desc: The boys set Lazard up on a date and just have to tag along—in disguise, that is.

n: I used this as a prompt, I hope you don't mind me answering like this!

Zack kept both of his legs propped up on the chair, bracing his chin in the crook of his joint knees. A wad of fanned-out cards between his fingers met his attention. He sniffed, scrunching his eyebrows together.

“Think, Zack, think!” He muttered to himself.

The audible frustration stretched the smile on his opponent’s face. Sephiroth kept his cards facing him with one hand, using the other to drum his fingers on the table, a rhythmic reminder that time did indeed pass in the Corporate Archives, no matter what the stubbornly broken clock on the table told them.

Zack groaned softly, snapping his head up to meet Sephiroth’s expectant flick of his eyebrow.

“Got any twos?” Zack asked.

Sephiroth shook his head. “Go fish.”

Angeal slammed his hand down on the table. “WE’RE PLAYING UNO!”

His outburst was bombarded with a wave of shushes from the nearby tables. Angeal tossed his cards, letting them scatter across the table before splaying his hands in surrender.

“I give up,” he said.

Zack and Sephiroth’s boyish laughter and subsequent high-five marked the moment the Arcive doors squeaked open, letting in a pair of boots that marched purposefully across the floor, kicking the tail of a long coat as they headed straight toward the table.

Genesis was enraged, and one did not need a magical looking-glass to discern that. The red blotched on his cheeks matched the fiery hue of his tousled hair as he plunked himself on the empty seat beside Zack.

“Good evening to you too, Commander.” Angeal smiled.

Genesis’ eyes were unblinking and grave as they glared at him. He crossed his arms, opening his mouth purposefully, in a way that told all three men that they were to be subjected to an avalanche of words.

“Lazard needs a life!” He declared suddenly. “One that doesn’t involve us and certainly has nothing to do with this company!”

“And you came to this conclusion how?” Sephiroth asked.

Genesis replied with an annoyed “tch!” as he turned away from him. “He’s not letting me go to LS8!”

Zack leaned towards Sephiroth’s right. “What’s LS8?” he whispered.

“Some Loveless thing,” Sephiroth shook his head.

Genesis snapped his head toward them, steam practically billowing from his nostrils.

“It’s not some Loveless thing!” he spat. “It’s the Loveless thing. It’s the biggest event of the year. All of this year’s cast members are going to be there, and there will be a screening for the new documentary, and everyone who’s anyone will be there!”

“And you’re not going?” Zack asked.

“I can't go!” Genesis moaned. “Lazard's keeping me from it because of—” he mimicked quotation marks with his fingers, “—my tendency to act improperly and embarrass the company through alcohol-fueled displays.”

Angeal's lips were crooked as he swaged his head from side to side. “He kinda has a point, Gen. You, alcohol and these Loveless parties are usually a recipe for disaster.”

“Maybe!” Genesis parried. “But he has no right to keep me from them! I'm an adult and a commanding officer, I can make my own decisions!”

Zack slumped back in his seat. “You do have a point about Lazard needing a life, though. The man works too much. He needs to have some fun once in a while.”

“I can't argue with that,” Sephiroth signed. “I frequently cross paths with him at odd hours of the morning. Sometimes it's three AM and he's up working.”

Angeal jerked his head back. “What are you doing up at three AM?”

Sephiroth froze. “....Things.”

“Ooh, ominous!” Zack piped up.

“Not it's not!” Genesis snapped. “He just has insomnia and likes to prowl around the building like a wraith!”

Sephiroth looked pleased. “Which you would know because you also have the tendency to galavant about the building at odd hours.”

Zack raised his hand. “Can confirm. I've seen Genesis break into the training room at 2 AM once!”

Genesis grazed with him a mocking look. “Puppy, why were you stalking me at 2 AM?”

Zack pouted. “Kunsel told me you teach secret materia classes and the meetings are in the middle of the night.”

“Gossip and hearsay,” Genesis replied coolly.

“Am I the only one who sleeps around here!?” Angeal snapped.

He began gathering the strewn cards on the table, neatly stacking them together. “But you guys are right. We should do something about it. Give him a break, you know?”

Genesis stretched his back into an arch. “What he really needs is a date. One night with a pretty girl and he'll soften like butter under the sun.”

Angeal considered. “It would be nice to know he has someone.”

“Yeah!” Zack bounced his legs beneath the table—much like a dog wagging its tail. “Can you imagine if Lazard had a girlfriend? He'd let us get away with all sorts of stuff because he'd be too happy to care!”

Sephiroth looked apprehensive. “This doesn't sound right. I believe the right term for this is meddling?”

Genesis rolled his eyes. “It's not meddling if we just introduce him to a woman and let fate weave its tapestry.”

“Alright,” Sephiroth braced his head on his palms. “Who?”

Angeal had known his best friend long enough to know that Genesis' unsettling grin was the calm before any storm.

The redhead crossed his legs, looking off to the side.

“Don't worry. I have someone in mind.”

Director Lazard sits in his office the next day with a chip on his shoulder and a stack of bullshitted Second Class mission reports by his side. He's tempted to chalk up the incompetence to the typical end-of-the-year slog.

But the colorful text on the mission report in his hand at that moment made it impossible.

He sighed, placing the document down and reaching over for his notepad, where he proceeded to jot down a few words.

“Note to self,” he wrote, “confiscate Zack's crayons.”

The glass doors of his office slid open, giving way to Genesis' pompous and irrepressible vibrancy that morning. He marched in with a smile on his face.

“Director, you're going to love me!”

Lazard didn't bother looking up from his writing. “Flattered as I am by your advances, Genesis, I prefer the company of women.”

“Tch!” Genesis pooped himself down on the opposite chair. “Funny you should say that! Do you perhaps know Meg from Urban Development?”

Lazard slid his glasses back onto his nose bridge. “Reeve's assistant.”

“Yeah, her! We got to chatting yesterday, and she couldn't help but mention how charming, sophisticated, and attractive she finds you.”

Lazard's immediate slack jaw was a promising response to Genesis. He found satisfaction in the way the director was rendered speechless by the prospect, his cheeks blotted with red.

“Did she…really say that?”

Genesis nodded eagerly. “She did! So I've taken the liberty of setting you up on a date tonight. You're welcome.”

Lazard frowned. “Tonight? Oh, no. Tonight won't do. I've got too much to do. Some files in the data room have gone missing and I'm the one who must see to it.”

Genesis swung his legs over the arm of the chair, leaning back with a purposefully dramatic and drawn-out sigh.

“What a shame. Oh well, I suppose Rufus will be happy to hear that.”

“Rufus?” Lazard echoed. “Shinra?

“Him,” Genesis folded his arms across his chest. “I hear he's got the eyes for Meg. He's been dying to take her out, but she's been waiting for you to ask her instead. A tragedy, I say. A modern-day soap opera plot. Ah well, I suppose she'll have to settle for the Vice President instead.”

Genesis' crooked tactic worked like a charm.

Lazard chewed his bottom lip, his eyebrows scrunching together in a way that told Genesis that the older man was seriously pondering over it.

“I can…I can postpone a task—just this once!” he added quickly. “It would be rude to cancel a date, after all.”

Genesis stood up at once, so pleased it oozed from every pore on his grinning face. “Good! I'll make sure to email you the details in a bit. Have fun tonight, Director!”

Genesis left the office, stepping out in the hallway and pulling his phone out. “And this is the part where I tell Sephiroth I told you so—OW!”

An object hit him right in the eye. His hand shot up to cover it, the other eye furiously searching for the source of the attack. A lone, purple crayon rolled by his feet.

He turned to see an ongoing scuffle between Angeal and Zack down the hallway. Angeal tried his best to wrestle away a box of scented crayons from Zack's grasp.

“Let go!” Zack whined. “I promise I won't use them anymore!”

“No!” Angeal yelled back. “Not until you tell me where the blueberry-scented one is!”

Zack let himself go limp in Angeal's grasp, his face reddening as he avoided the other man's eyes entirely.

“Did you eat it, Zack!? You ate it, didn't you!?”

Zack squeezed his eyes shut. “You can't prove anything!”

“OH MY GOD!”

Genesis rolled his eyes, choosing to walk away instead of witnessing their debacle.

The Cinnamon Veil was an upscale restaurant in the glitzy area of Sector Seven. The sidewalk outside the bustling establishment was heaving with people, overtaken by a line that wrapped around the building.

Couples stood with their arms linked, common people bedecked themselves in finery and their best clothes, and amidst the excitable crowd ...Was Angeal wearing a fake mustache.

“I gotta admit,” he said, stroking the faux facial hair pensively. “When I previously imagined my Friday night, being married to Genesis was not in my plans.”

Beside him, Genesis adjusted his pencil skirt. His large sunglasses teased the vibrant eye makeup beneath, which complimented his rosy lips.

“Oh, hush!” Genesis smoothed his hair. “And put your arms around me, we’re supposed to be a couple!”

“And what do I do?” Sephiroth’s voice cut in.

Behind them, Sephiroth had been forced into a black T-shirt of a heavy metal band he did not know, eyeliner that stung his waterlines, along with jewelry and fake piercings. A pair of aqua-blue contacts concealed his infamous eyes.

“You’re already doing your part, darling.” Genesis placed his sunglasses on his head. “You’re our rebellious, teenage son. Now stand there and act displeased with our family outing.”

Sephiroth crossed his arms, frowning pointedly. “Understood.”

Angeal and Genesis turned around, looking for any sign of Lazard and Reeve’s assistant, Meg.

Sephiroth piped up again.

“I'm a homosexual.”

Angeal and Genesis snapped back around on cue.

Sephiroth shrugged.

“What? My research tells me that a child revealing their sexual orientation to their parental figures causes a strain in their relationship. It can’t get more rebellious than that.”

“Seph,” Angeal huffed. “Were you dropped on your head as a baby?”

“Yes, several times.”

Angeal and Genesis elected not to respond, slowly turning back around again. Angeal spotted a head of sandy blond hair a few spaces ahead of them.

“Look!” He pointed. “There he is!”

Lazard looked positively radiant as he and Meg talked. Genesis marveled at how stunning of a pair they made, thanking no one but himself for the brilliant start to a courtship, of course. The conversation flowed naturally, and none of them had ever seen Lazard so at ease.

“Aren’t I a genius?” Genesis sighed. “You’ll see. Soon enough, Lazard will be out of our hair and you’ll all be praising me.”

Angeal scratched his fake mustache. “If everything goes smoothly, that is.”

“I want to be held,” Sephiroth said suddenly.

Angeal and Genesis whipped back around.

Sephiroth was unbothered. “I've never had parents before,” he said. “I don’t know how to act.”

Once they were inside the restaurant, they were ushered to their table. Genesis had made sure to book one right across from Lazard and Meg’s, giving them the most optimal view of their date.

“I don’t know about this, Gen,” Angeal muttered, settling into his seat. “Spying makes me uncomfortable. We’re invading his privacy.”

“No,” Genesis corrected him. “We’re making sure Lazard doesn’t blow his chance at love.”

“May I have ice cream for dinner?” Sephiroth asked, thumbing through the menu.

“You can have ice cream for dessert.” Angeal rubbed his temples. “Where’s the waiter?”

As if on cue, a waiter—literally—slid in from their left, his polished shoes squeaking on the floor as he posed.

“Right here!” He flashed them a winning grin.

One curious fact about The Cinnamon Veil was that all of their waiters were required to wear a tawny mask as a part of their uniform—hence the veil. And yet, even a mask was no efficient cover for Zack’s notorious, black spikes and the telling glow of Mako eyes.

“Zack!?” All three of them sputtered in unison.

The Second looked pleased, proudly showing off his vest and bowtie. He placed the pen to his notepad and cleared his throat.

“I’m Zack and I’ll be your server tonight. Can I get you started on the seared scallops? The sole meunière? Or perhaps some ice cream for the kid!”

Genesis’ lips were pressed into a thin line. “What are you doing?” he scolded. “You’re going to ruin everything!”

Zack pouted. “No, I’m not! And F.Y.I., it was mega rude of you to not invite me along.”

Genesis sunk into his seat. “That’s because this is an undercover affair and you’re the poster boy of conspicuity.”

Angeal gestured toward Sephiroth. “Oh, because emo Sephiroth is pure stealth.”

“It’s not a phase, father,” Sephiroth shot back.

Angeal pulled a face.

Zack tucked his pen in the pocket of his apron. “Look, I’m just here to make sure Lazard's date goes well. I want him to be happy just as much as you three, ‘kay? Plus, I hit the jackpot. I’m their server!”

Genesis sat up straight, the color returning to his face. “Oh! What did he order?

Zack replied with a grimace. “Garlic-fried rice.”

“What?” Genesis slapped his hand on the table. “Oh! That man has no game whatsoever! How is he expected to kiss her good night when his breath smells like garlic!?”

Zack held up a hand. “Don’t worry, I took care of it. I switched his order with someone else’s, so I’ll bring him something else. You know how Lazard it! He hates conflict, so he’ll force himself to eat it.”

Zack opened his notepad. “But anyway. What are you guys having?”

Sephiroth looked back down at the menu. “What do you recommend?

“Well, I think—” Zack snapped his head toward another table mid-sentence. “Oh! I gotta jet! I’ll see you in a bit!”

Zack ran off toward another table and began taking their order instead. Angeal sighed, watching his student from across the dining room. He shook his head.

“It’s as if his attention span dwindles by the day. He should be glad he’s a SOLDIER. Real-world jobs are not meant for him.”

Something about his friend’s words struck something in Genesis. The redhead snapped his head towards him, frowning pointedly as he looked from Angeal to Zack scurrying back into the kitchen.

“Goddess, ‘Geal, you’re so harsh with him. He’s doing his best, you know.”

Angeal shrugged, turning back around. “I know, and I am proud of him. But I want him to reach his full potential and I think he lacks the focus it takes to reach it.”

Meanwhile, Sephiroth was the only one who noticed Zack sail out of the kitchen again, this time with Lazard and Meg’s orders ready. He had limited knowledge about the culinary arts, but he did know shrimp pasta when he saw it.

And he also knew how much Lazard detested shrimp.

Sephiroth uncrossed his arms, sitting up. “Um, gentlemen?”

The urgency in Sephiroth’s voice, just like his words, went unnoticed by his friends.

“Yeah,” Genesis continued. “But sometimes it comes off as you not having faith in him.”

“I do have faith in him,” Angeal pressed, clearly annoyed. “If anything, you’re the one who thinks he’s just some Second Class runt who follows us around.”

Sephiroth couldn’t look away from the car crash unfolding right before his eyes. Zack served Lazard and his date their meals, the former looking quite displeased with his order. But it was just like Zack had said, he wasn’t the confrontational type.

“Mother?” Sephiroth tried. “Father?”

Angeal and Genesis ignored him.

“Not true!” Genesis replied, his tone getting more heated by the second. “I adore Zack!”

“Hmm.” Angeal rolled his eyes. “Just like you adore Sephiroth.”

Genesis faked an overdramatic gasp which he emphasized by placing a hand over his heart. “How dare you accuse me of disliking my own child!?”

Meanwhile, Sephiroth watched as Lazard took one bite of his food, then violently spit it back out—right in Meg’s face. Lazard began coughing and spitting food all over the place. Meg’s face was befouled by the bits of shrimp and rice. Her mouth was hanging open in disbelief.

Sephiroth turned back around.

“Gentlemen, I am begging for one second of your attention.”

“NOT NOW!” Genesis snapped at him.

“A-HA!” Angeal pointed an accusatory finger at him. “SEE? NO WONDER I'M THE ONE HE COMES TO WHEN HE'S UPSET, GENESIS! YOU’RE A BITCH!”

“I BEG YOUR PARDON!?” Genesis stood up, making Angeal rise to his feet as well. “TAKING CARE OF HIM IS A JOINT EFFORT, ANGEAL! DON’T UNDERMINE MY PARENTING!”

Meanwhile, Lazard and Megan were actively arguing. Zack tried to work the middle-man role in vain, failing at calming either of them down.

“Our plan is going down the drain here, men,” Sephiroth said.

They continued to ignore him.

“PARENT HIM?” Angeal laughed. “YOU’RE BARELY HIS FRIEND. ALL YOU TWO DO IS ARGUE BECAUSE YOU PICK FIGHTS!”

Genesis grabbed his coat. “WELL, IF WE’RE SUCH A BURDEN TO YOU, ANGEAL, MAYBE WE SHOULD JUST PACK OUR THINGS AND LEAVE!”

Angeal slammed his fist on the table. “YOU’RE NOT GOING TO LEAVE! I WANT A DIVORCE!”

Sephiroth watched helplessly as Lazard ripped away Zack’s mask.

“Oh dear,” Sephiroth whispered.

Sephiroth had heard about the six stages of grief before, and he was almost certain each of them became etched onto Lazard’s face in the span of a single second. Zack awkwardly smiled and waved, which only served as a catalyst to redden the older man’s face and propel his rage.

Sephiroth was nonplussed. “Hm. It appears that, as the youths say, all hell has broken loose.”

Angeal and Genesis persisted in dragging out their squabble.

“MY MOTHER WARNED ME ABOUT YOU!” Genesis shot back. “YOU KNOW WHAT? SINCE YOU’RE THE BETTER PARENT, KEEP HIM! I’M BETTER OFF ON MY OWN ANYWAY!”

Angeal gasped. “YOU CYNICAL ASSHOLE! YOU WON’T EVEN FIGHT FOR CUSTODY? HOW SELFISH CAN YOU BE?”

Sephiroth flinched once Meg grabbed her drink. She threw it in Lazard’s face before promptly walking off. Then Lazard and Zack began to argue, the former grabbing him by the neck and beginning to shake him.

“I might be witnessing a murder,” Sephiroth said.

“I DON’T NEED THIS!” Genesis screamed. “I’M LEAVING! I’M DONE!”

Angeal grabbed his coat. “YEAH, WELL SO AM I!”

Angeal and Genesis went their opposite ways, leaving Sephiroth to watch the fight escalate by the second. He would’ve been more motivated to step in if Zack were in any real danger. But the sight of Lazard thwacking Zack with his own apron was far too entertaining to intervene.

He wondered if Angeal and Genesis were watching.

Sephiroth turned around.

“...”

“Mother?”

“...”

“Father?”

“...”

The sounds of Zack getting disciplined in the background persisted (“Ow! I didn’t know!” Thwack! “Director! I swear I didn’t mean to!” Thwack! “Ow!”) Sephiroth slumped down in his seat, disgruntled.

He crossed his arms over his chest.

“This is just like real life.”

#ff7 #ffvii #final fantasy 7 #sephiroth #ffvii crisis core #genesis rhapsodos #final fantasy vii #angeal hewley #ff7r #ff7 crisis core #ff7cc #writing #ff7 fic #ff7 fanfiction #zack fair

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tellthemeerkatsitsfine · 6 months ago

Text

So, to follow up on this post that I just made that details my thoughts on the Taskmaster s18 lineup: Jack Dee, Rosie Jones, Emma Sidi, and Babatunde Aléshé...

I’m totally kidding! Obviously I’m totally kidding. Obviously. Obviously I was kidding in that entire post, suggesting that I give one fuck who those other four people are. It doesn't matter! Obviously in reality, seats 2-5 of Taskmaster s18 could be filled by Leo Kearse, Jim Davidson, Jordan Peterson, and Suella Braverman, and I’d still consider this to be a fantastic lineup.

Okay. Finally, after several weeks of losing my God damn mind, sitting on the spoilers and being good about not mentioning it (mostly…), I can say this. Finally.

Let’s talk Zaltzman.

First of all, let me set the scene. I've just finished my work for the day. I'm waiting in the break room while my co-worker files her stuff so we can close up the building together. I check my phone, because it's Taskmaster lineup spoiler day, and I've been waiting on confirmation.

I read the words and drop my phone in amazement, scrambling to catch it before it hits the ground. I look again, trying to make 100% sure I am reading this right, because I refuse to get my hopes up that high just to be disappointed. No, it says what I thought it said. I jump up, bang my fist against my chest and then into the air and then back again, mutter “fuck yes fucking right holy fuck” under my breath repeatedly, and then look around and am pleased to see my co-worker has not come into the room. And then I’m not allowed to post about it for several fucking weeks.

Andy was top of my wishlist. Possibly the number one person on it even if I could have literally anyone, including the people who definitely wouldn’t do it. He was definitely the number one person on my Taskmaster wishlist, out of the people who would possibly ever do it. But I wasn’t sure he belonged on that second list. Every time I’ve posted about a Taskmaster wishlist in the last couple of years, I’ve said of course Andy Zaltzman’s number one, but I know it won’t happen.

I know Taskmaster casts people who aren't already TV famous, but they're usually young. Taskmaster casts older people who are well established in a TV career, and young up-and-comers. Not people who turn 50 this year and did an episode of 8 Out of 10 Cats one time in 2008.

I mean, Andy Zaltzman isn’t completely obscure. It’s now been several years since he took over as host of The News Quiz, which I think is Radio 4’s flagship comedy program. The Bugle has been going for nearly 17 years and is quite successful. It’s not fair to imply that 2008 was his last TV credit; he was on Alternative Comedy Experience in 2013, where he had some chats with Stewart Lee that are among the most socially awkward things I’ve ever seen in my life. Sometimes they let him on TV in Australia. He did Matt Forde’s TV thing a few times. He does actually have a very successful career as a cricket statistician/commentator. He wrote for Bremner, Bird and Fortune in 2006. He’s doing fine. He's doing absolutely fine.

And he has an impressive stand-up career. He's done tours in the States, off the back of The Bugle's international success. He's performed in Asia off the back of his cricket commentating popularity. He's sold out big rooms to hordes of Bugle fans.

Taskmaster has cast lots of people who were less famous at the time of casting than Andy Zaltzman is now. They're just not usually Andy Zaltzman's age. But it doesn't matter, he's there now. So let me tell you about this man.

Andrew Zechariah Zaltzman was born on October 6, 1974. He grew up in Tumbridge Wells, Kent, a place he has described as so right-wing that they think you're a bit of a leftie if you only cast one Tory vote per general election. Raised by his father Zechariah "Zack" Zaltzman, who was a sculptor and a Lithuanian lapsed Jew who grew up in South Africa. Along with his sister Helen and brother Rick. I don't know his mother's name and it's probably fine to keep it that way, as I'm pretty sure Andy Zaltzman attracts a lot of fans like me, who have my combination of information-gathering autism and a good memory, that means I did not have to do any Googling to write that paragraph. I could have included the name of his school without Googling just because I've read his Wikipedia page so much, but I'll refrain from doing that.

To be fair, it's not some obscure piece of trivia to know his sister's name, because Helen Zaltzman is one of the only people in Britain who's had a podcast for longer than Andy. Podcasting was quite new when The Bugle started, but Helen started her podcast Answer Me This just before it. Helen Zaltzman's not technically a comedian, but she's quite comedy-adjacent, her podcasts are funny and she's been in plays at the Edinburgh Festival. Hangs out with comedians. Was friends with Josie Long at Oxford, so that's pretty cool. Used to be flatmates with comedy flatshare expert Matthew Crosby. Did an episode of ComComPod.

Anyway, after being raised with a future comedy-adjacent podcaster, Andy went to study Classics at Oxford University, where he also worked for the sports page of the student newspaper. It was here that he discovered his love of made-up bullshit, as he once wrote an entirely fictitious article about a game that never happened. When told they couldn't print it because it was libellous, Andy tried to argue that he hadn't libelled anyone because none of the people he wrote about in that article exist. Andy Zaltzman swears that story is true, and I think it probably is.

Andy Zaltzman did one stand-up gig at university that went very badly, then didn't do any stand-up for a bit, and then eventually did some more gigs that went less badly. Ended up in the finals of So You Think You’re Funny in 1999, where he lost to David O’Doherty (other finalists included Jimmy Carr, Russell Howard, and Josie Long, the latter of whom beat David O’Doherty in the BBC New Comedy Awards in the same year, a year of traded victories that they still amusingly and adorably reference on social media sometimes).

Andy Zaltzman got in with Avalon management, and in 2000, he went back to Edinburgh as part of The Comedy Zone. Also in 2000, he supported Stewart Lee on a stand-up tour around the UK. A lot of the venues were not told that there would be a support act and couldn’t fit him in at the last minute, so essentially, it was less like doing tour support and more like Andy just followed Stewart Lee around the country for a few weeks. Stewart Lee got so exhausted by the effort of trying to hang out with someone as socially awkward as Andy Zaltzman that he quit stand-up for several years (that’s a joke, but he did actually quit – eventually going back to stand-up but never back to his agency – because he got frustrated with Avalon on that tour, largely because they kept doing things like failing to tell venues that he was bringing a support act). In 2005, Stewart Lee returned to stand-up, and shared a flat at the Edinburgh Festival with Andy Zaltzman that year. Across the next 15 years, Stewart Lee took several opportunities to marvel at how it was possible for one person to watch as much sport as Andy Zaltzman did, when on tour and in Edinburgh flats.

In 2001, Andy did his first full-length Edinburgh show, called Andy Zaltzman Versus the Dog of Doom, which got nominated for the Perrier Newcomer Award. It was mainly a solo show, and billed as a solo show, but it featured a few bits with a man he'd met on the stand-up circuit named John Oliver, who was performing in The Comedy Zone. In 2002, Andy went back to Edinburgh with a show called Andy Zaltzman Unveils the 2002 Catapult of Truth, which also featured bits of John Oliver. John did his debut solo hour that year as well, a show that Chortle’s Steve Bennett called “a fairly pointless concept, which is then tiresomely illustrated”. Clearly, John made the correct choice in deciding that in future years, he’d stick to the stuff with Zaltzman.

In 2003, Andy Zaltzman and John Oliver began writing more comedy together, and were both specifically interested in political comedy. They found this could be difficult on mixed bill gigs where the audience hadn’t come for political comedy, and wouldn’t take well to all the dating and travel mishap stories being interrupted by satire on the colonial immigration process. So they started a comedy night in London called Political Animal, where they would co-host with their own jointly-written political jokes, introducing other comedians who would do exclusively political material. This allowed them to perform to audiences who would get what they were expecting, and it led to them being chased off stage less often (okay, their stories about those years of terrible gigs only include one where they got literally chased off stage). Comedians who performed at Political Animal included Robert Newman, Al Murray, Stewart Lee, Jeremy Hardy, Daniel Kitson, Chris Addison, Frankie Boyle, Andrew Maxwell, Will Hodgson, and don’t worry about the other name on the list from which I've copied this (it was one of those Russells they have now, and by far the worst of the three, despite the other two’s flaws).

On these early Political Animal nights, Zaltzman and Oliver used to do a sketch in which they'd interact with God. If Daniel Kitson was part of the show that night, he'd join them for that sketch and Kitson would play the role of God, which is a little on the nose even for him.

They did Political Animal once a month in London for several years, and also took it to Edinburgh for quite a few years in a row. In 2005, they recorded a pilot for BBC Radio 4, a radio show that would broadcast highlights of each act in a Political Animal night, interspersed with little Zaltzman and Oliver sketches. This got picked up and ran for two seasons, ten episodes in total.

In Edinburgh 2003, Zaltzman and Oliver did Edinburgh and Beyond, a mixed bill with each other and Rob Deering. Some of Andy’s material from that show can be heard in the Radio 4 program 4 at the Fringe. It opens with “Are you all glad to be alive? About half of you. Good. Aren’t festivals fun?” Then he goes into a complex explanation of how King Harold threw the Battle of Hastings and he has proof. This also contains the earliest known recording of Andy Zaltzman's classic joke about how voters' commitment to apathy is a paradox.

Then he says the words: “There are more celebrities now than ever before, in the world. There are also more facts in the world than ever before, and that’s just one of them. There are more celebrities now, and if the current rate of the increase in celebrities now continues, then by the year 2052, celebrities will outnumber ordinary people. And if that continues then by 2142, 99% of the world’s population will be celebrities. At which point the market will implode, and all celebrities will be merged into one giant celebrity, known as God. And the process will start again from scratch. Only this time, God will make the differences between men and women even funnier, and comedians will be the most powerful race on Earth. And after a savage and brutal war between the observationalists and the surrealists, into the power vacuum will come the singing comedians, and the world’s only currency will be amusingly altered pop lyrics. So please, be careful.” And you can begin to see why audiences occasionally chased him off stages. I don’t know what John Oliver was doing with his portion of that shared 2003 bill. Probably some stuff about penguins, given what he was into at the time. He was also very busy ripping cows apart that year. 2003 was a big year for people giving John Oliver large facsimile animals that he did not want and making him deal with them.

In 2004, Zaltzman and Oliver decided to stop messing around with little sketches in each other's shows, and just do the joint stand-up hour that the world had been waiting for. They went to Edinburgh with a show called Zaltzman and Oliver’s Erm... It's About the World... I Think You'd Better Sit Down, which is a hell of a title. They filled in a questionnaire about it for the BBC, which is a lovely little relic. If you want to know what Zaltzman and Oliver were doing during the Edinburgh Festival in 2004:

What will you be doing with the other 23 hrs of the day? JO: I will assign around 8 of those hours for sleep. I'll try and eat three times, spaced out in the time remaining. I will insult my flatmate for a further 3 of those hours. And I will think about sport for the rest of the time. AZ: Table tennis.

(Note: I'm 95% sure the flatmate John Oliver was going to insult for three hours a day is Daniel Kitson.)

They took the show on tour the following year, including performing it one time in 2005 with someone recording the audio. They didn't do anything with that audio until about six years later, when they released it during a filler week for The Bugle. It contains many of their classic joint bits, like the immigration sketch and the state of political discourse sketch.

In 2005, they did another joint Edinburgh show, called John Oliver and Andy Zaltzman Issue a List of Demands and Await Your Response with Interest. Not big fans of titles that fit easily into blurbs. This show unfortunately has been lost to history, or at least, it had better be lost to history, because at this point I will be furious if it turns out Andy Zaltzman has a recording of it somewhere and has been holding out on us all this time (not really, please let me know if you have this, Andy, I would pay you money). Steve Bennett called it: "As a double act [Zaltzman and Oliver] bring out the best of Zaltzman’s towering intellect and Oliver’s sneery cynicism, feeding off each other’s presence." Which is a pretty solid summary of their double act dynamic in general.

I know there are reviewers besides Steve Bennett, by the way. But Chortle, for all its other admin-related faults, does archive its reviews in a way that makes old ones easy to find, so it tends to be my go-to reference for times like this. I have read other old Zaltzman and Oliver reviews, and a lot of them can be basically summarized as "They have good, intelligent, and funny material, but God, those guys can be really annoying." Brian Logan called them "Better writers than performers", which is maybe technically true but also he can fuck off. We like the socially awkward lack of charisma, okay?

Anyway. Back on topic. While they were establishing their live double act, Zaltzman and Oliver also teamed up with their friend, the excellent comedian Chris Addison, to write a radio show called The Department. This is a fictional show set in a secret government department that secretly runs the entire world, and they spend each episode solving a different problem. It ran on BBC Radio 4 for three seasons and 14 episodes in total, from 2004 to 2006. It featured a bunch of old Zaltzman and Oliver stand-up bits, shoehorned expertly into the mouths of the characters. Zaltzman, Oliver, and Addison co-wrote it and played the three main characters (except Addison didn't write season 3 as he was busy with other projects, but he still did the voice acting), with the other major character being voiced by Matthew Holness, and Lucy Montgomery doing some additional voices (Matthew and Lucy were both in Cambridge Footlights with John Oliver a few years earlier).

They hoped The Department would translate to TV someday, but that didn't happen. Even as late as ten years later, Andy Zaltzman, according to one uncharacteristically vulnerable interview, was still holding out hope that it could someday get picked up as a TV sitcom. John Oliver, on the other hand, said years later that he looked back on The Department as something that wasn't any good. John is, in my accurate opinion, entirely wrong about that. There are some old Zaltzman and Oliver things that I can recognize were objectively not great comedy, I just like them as adorable historical relics. The Department is not like that. I think it was a really, really funny and well written show. It had good characters and dense jokes and I wish it had become more.

These were the glory years of Zaltzman and Oliver. The Department on the radio, joint stand-up shows, hosting mixed bill stuff at Political Animal. But that double act was just a small subset of a larger group called the Chocolate Milk Gang. The Chocolate Milk Gang was an international crime syndicate that sometimes organized soccer matches, to borrow a phrase from John Oliver (John was talking about FIFA when he said it, but it still applies). You can see one of these matches in The Greatest Video on All of YouTube, featuring a lot of comedians who are hard to recognize because it's got about 8 pixels per inch, but you can always pick out Andy with his curly red hair, and John Oliver as the only one wearing long pants instead of shorts. I'm definitely not going to go look at the building where they filmed that video when I go to London this summer. That would be a weird thing to do. I mean I can't confirm whether I'm going to do that, but I will say that one time on his radio show I heard Elis James say Crystal Palace isn't a tourist attraction, and I laughed and said "That's what you think."

Anyway, the Chocolate Milk Gang was actually a bunch of comedians who were all friends in the early 00s, they frequently appeared in each other's stand-up shows (and occasionally radio shows and things like that), told stories about each other on stage, played football on Tuesdays, shared mixed bills, ritualistically sacrificed cows together in the middle of the night, things like that. They got their name because they drank alcohol either not at all or not very much, and after late-night Edinburgh shows they'd go for milkshakes while other comedians were getting drunk, so some of those other comedians started calling them the Chocolate Milk Gang. Glenn Wool has been specifically credited with coining the term, Andrew Maxwell and Jason Byrne were also said to be involved. An absolute cunt who goes by David McSavage was a dick about it. Basically they were a bunch of nerds who got bullied by the Irish and Canadians (not really, they've said they were on friendly terms with those guys and it was friendly banter, except for David McSavage, who is genuinely a cunt). They go by other names sometimes. Stewart Lee apparently used to call them "The Hanging Around Guys".

Further information can be found in the weirdest fucking article I've ever read (on the subject of me knowing about reviewers besides just Steve Bennett - Jay Richardson, what were you fucking talking about?), but basically, they were known for differentiating themselves from a previous generation of showbiz shouty fancy comedians, by doing things like wearing t-shirts and listening to indie music and putting a modicum of creativity into their art and not being alcoholics. Membership lists for the Chocolate Milk Gang changes depending who you ask, but the main people involved, in general, were: Josie Long, John Oliver, Andy Zaltzman, Alun Cochrane, Russell Howard, David O'Doherty, Gavin Osborn, Demitri Martin, Flight of the Conchords. Taika Waititi - Cohen at the time - is sometimes mentioned in that mix. Isy Suttie was definitely around and fit the remit. And Daniel Kitson was their, according to those weird fucking articles about it, king.

To get that list of people, I've taken the name that Glenn Wool invented for people who got milkshakes in Edinburgh, and applied it to a slightly more general concept. Not everyone on that list got milkshakes in Edinburgh in 2002, but most did, and all were part of a larger group of nerds doing comedy who crossed over with each other personally and professionally in that era, which is generally what I mean when I say "Chocolate Milk Gang".

Andy largely ended up in this group because his writing and performing partner, John Oliver, was so close to the ringleader/king Daniel Kitson. John Oliver and Daniel Kitson had repeatedly described each other as best friends. John also brought in Gavin Osborn, his friend from school and/or youth theatre. Gavin was flatmates with John's girlfriend for a time. Basically, John Oliver tied all these people in his life together, and then he fucked off to America, leaving the rest of them behind to keep making stuff with each other. Which they did, but managing it without John in the middle clearly wasn't always their first choice. The number of Chocolate Milk Gang members who have performed art that I have heard on the subject of how it upset them when John Oliver left is... more than three. It's four. I'm thinking of four specific pieces of work right now, though to be fair one of them is just Andy Zaltzman shouting the words "Percy Primetime" at an audience (the others are a song about mix tapes, a show about an apartment that I'm definitely not going to go look at when I fly to London because Crystal Palace isn't a tourist attraction, and a song about a penguin). That's a lot, really. People really, really liked that guy.

Zaltzman and Kitson in particular were a funny combination; whenever they used to end up on stages (or in a radio studio) together, there would be this strong sense of "your best friend is my best friend but God, do we ever have nothing else in common". But they'd give performing together a go, even though Andy Zaltzman is the most socially awkward man in history and has chemistry with no one on Earth except John Oliver. Neither of them seem to "get" the other's comedy in any way, or find much crossover in what they found funny. They shared a flat together in Edinburgh in 2007, where they wrote a sketch for Late 'n' Live in which Andy would pretend to be Daniel Kitson's penis, so that's fun. Andy Zaltzman had a set of about four deliberately bad impressions, which seemed to be the only part of his act that Kitson found funny, but Kitson found them hilarious and made Andy do them every time they performed together.

But I'm getting ahead of myself. I'm trying to tell this story chronologically, and I've moved right past what Andy Zaltzman has referred to as: “The day in June 2006 when [John Oliver] told me he wanted to do the Daily Show job in America instead of going with me to Edinburgh to talk to twenty-five people a day in a darkened room.”

At the time, Zaltzman and Oliver were in the process of writing their third joint stand-up hour, for Edinburgh 2006. This show had already been submitted to the festival, as evidenced by some screenshots of the 2006 Edinburgh program:

The 2006 Edinburgh program also advertised:

And it was the debut year for the Chocolate Milk Gang mixed bill Honourable Men of Art, also already in the program with John's name:

According to Andy Zaltzman, in June 2006, he learned three things very close together, on almost the same day. The first thing he learned is that the BBC had cancelled The Department. This radio show was the only consistent thing Andy had going in his career besides live stand-up. He was counting on The Department getting bigger and maybe picked up for TV, so losing it was a significant blow. The second thing he learned, at almost the same time, was that his wife was carrying their first child. And the third thing he learned was that John Oliver was going to move to America right before their Edinburgh run was set to begin. Andy Zaltzman has described June/July 2006 as not a particularly fun time (John Oliver, on the other hand, has described summer 2006 as the time he lost his radio show and thought his career was fucked, so it's a good thing The Daily Show job came along to save him, because otherwise he'd have ended up stuck in the career path he was on in England, which was terrible, it sure would suck to have to stay on that path).

Andy Zaltzman has even said that if it hadn't been for his marriage and having a kid on the way, he might have moved to New York with John to try to keep performing as a double act, since he didn't have enough of a career in Britain to be worth staying for, and all the success he'd had had come from the Zaltzman and Oliver partnership.

I see why Andy Zaltzman found that partnership and briefly considered whether it might be worth moving across an ocean to preserve it. They worked so well together. They got each other's style of comedy, they were similar enough to fit together but different in the right ways to complement each other. They had incredible chemistry together, of the type that Andy had with, as I've said, no one else in the world. Andy had had to start his own comedy night (Political Animal) just because his style was so offbeat that it didn't fit in on regular mixed bills and it annoyed audiences who hadn't come for that specific niche, and the Zaltzman/Oliver double act saved him from having to sell that niche by himself. He was, as he describes it, not excited to have to go back to doing it alone.

He was also not excited to have to turn their double act Edinburgh show into a solo show at the last minute. But he did it, going to Edinburgh 2006 and performing a show called Andy Zaltzman Detonates 70 Minutes of Unbridled Afternoon ("It's important work Zaltzman is doing, at least compared to most other comics, and deserves to be heard if only he was a bit more fluid in its telling" - Steve Bennett, 2006). I guess it's a better title than Andy Zaltzman Goes By Himself to Edinburgh to Talk to Twenty-Five People a Day in a Darkened Room. In Edinburgh 2006, Andy also hosted Political Animal on his own, and turned up to Honourable Men of Art, where they occasionally had John Oliver via the best live video linkup technology 2006 had to offer.

After this, Andy Zaltzman spent a year performing on his own. In 2007 he performed at MICF for the first time, where one time he stayed up all night in a radio studio with Daniel Kitson, playing BBC sound effects and Boney M songs, and Daniel made him do his Marvin Gaye impression. He also went on the Triple M radio show Get This, and was very socially awkward. Then he won the Piece of Wood Award for having other comics vote his show the best one, so that's cool. Clearly he must have been doing something all right, in a year that he's since described in interviews as very rough overall.

And then he was approached by TimesOnline, a subdivision of The Times, to start a trans-Atlantic podcast. The idea was that John Oliver would go into a studio in New York City, and Andy Zaltzman would go into a studio in London, and they would talk to each other about the week's news, and someone would produce and edit it, and that would be a newfangled thing called a podcast. Like the thing that Andy's sister Helen had just started doing. Andy Zaltzman said yes because, in his words, he had "Jack K. Shit" else going on and it was a chance to reunite the double act that had been working for him. John Oliver said yes because, in his words, it is a treat to get to listen to Andy Zaltzman talk for an hour a week. I think John meant it when he said that, because John Oliver had a very good and very busy job as a writer and correspondent on The Daily Show at the time, in addition to a stand-up career in the States and an increasing schedule of events with major American comics, so it's not like he took the Bugle job because he needed the money or the profile boost. I think he really did consider it a treat to listen to Andy Zaltzman talk for an hour a week. And what a treat that is.

They set up a format in which they'd talk on the phone for a bit earlier in the week, to establish a list of topical subjects to cover. Then they'd go away and each write their own material on those subjects. Then on Fridays, they'd connect from their separate studios and discuss the subjects with their material ready. The best bits made it into their respective stand-up shows.

From the beginning, they both contributed a lot to the podcast, but Andy drove the dialogue and tended to come a little more prepared, as is reasonable, given that John Oliver had other shit going on. The Bugle ran in its original form from October 2007 to March 2016, and in that time, Andy Zaltzman turned over an incredible amount of material. It is honestly amazing how much new stuff he came up with every week. Yeah, he had some ideas and concepts that he re-used, and yeah, not 100% of it was solid gold. But a lot of it was very funny. Funny, dense comedy that was new every single week.

Andy Zaltzman is the most creative comedian I've ever heard. I mean, obviously I guess that depends on your definition of "creative", I've seen some comedy shows where it's so creative that I have no idea what's going on (these are called "clowning"). But within the parametres of just writing straightforward stand-up material, I have never heard anything as creative as Andy Zaltzman. He hits a topic from so many directions that no one else would think of. He reaches for absurd comparisons, turns of phrase that make me run back the recording because I could never catch all the meanings at once, five or six different jokes embedded into one sentence. The number of obscure references to history and/or sport and/or Greek mythology (he didn't study Classics for nothing) he can get into any paragraph is blinding. He's fucking amazing.

More than that, The Bugle with Zaltzman and Oliver was an amazing piece of media. It is incredible how they blended interactivity with tightly written material. Comedians riffing with each other is fun because it feels real and immediate and unrehearsed. Carefully written stuff is good because writing something with care gives comedians the time to make it funnier. The Bugle was Zaltzman and Oliver taking their jokes that they'd crafted to be as funny as possible, and using them as the basis for otherwise spontaneous interaction, so they got the best of both worlds. And it worked, every time, because they have the best chemistry I've ever heard in all of comedy. They were like athletes who could always tell where the other was going to end up, they could take their bit and make sure it would land in just the right spot to work with what the other person would have. Even though they didn't know exactly what the other person had, because they didn't write it together. But they knew each other so well that they could anticipate. It's amazing. It's a fucking amazing feat of comedy and it should be in some sort of hall of fame.

In 2008, Andy Zaltzman wrote a book. It's called Does Anything Eat Bankers? and it's a collection of absurd comedy mini-essays about the credit crunch. It's the most 2008 thing I've ever read. It made me laugh out loud a lot. It's available on eBay for insultingly cheap prices and is an excellent summary of Zaltzman's offbeat sense of humour.

From 2007-2014, Andy Zaltzman hosted Political Animal in Edinburgh every year. Usually on his own, though in 2011, John Oliver flew to Edinburgh and they did a few reunion Political Animal gigs, featuring Daniel Kitson reprising his role as God in their God sketch. Andy also kept up his Chocolate Milk Gang membership over those years, doing the Honourable Men of Art gig when it came back in 2008, appearing at some Kitson-compered Late 'n' Lives in the 00s, and at some Kitson-compered Chocolate Milk Gang reunion shows in later years (ZOCK, Fuckstorm 3000, Fuckstorm 3001). Andy did the impressions when Kitson told him to, even though by then he'd long dropped them from his regular act. Andy also performed new Edinburgh solo shows nearly every year from 2007 to 2019 (missing 2009, 2012, and 2015), usually with long convoluted titles in the style of Zaltzman and Oliver ("Life is convoluted, my comedy merely reflects that" - Andy Zaltzman).

In 2014, Andy started doing Satirist For Hire, a show he continued touring off and and on until 2022, in addition to his regular stand-up shows. In Satirist For Hire, the audience could write in with the date they were attending and a subject for Andy to satirize, and the show would consist of him satirizing audience-requested topics. It wasn't improv or anything, he'd get the topics in advance and write stuff about them, new stuff for every show. Which sounds like a ridiculous amount of work, but he was already doing that kind of thing for The Bugle, writing new stuff constantly. Some of these got recorded and released on filler weeks of The Bugle. Topics he got asked to satirize included all 721 Pokemon by name, the autumn equinox, the rebellion in Syria, and his own mother-in-law. He released a DVD of Satirist For Hire that was filmed in 2014, in which he performed the bespoke satire as well a "best of" his other old and new jokes, including some stuff that dates back to the Zaltzman and Oliver catalogue of the early 00s. It also has a DVD extra that's Andy just telling a weird story with no punchline, it's really annoyingly rambling and pointless, even for him. It's great.

During the original run of The Bugle, there were a lot of jokes in which John would tell a star-studded story about his life with celebrities in New York City, and Andy would say he'd had a good pastrami sandwich that week. There were slightly less funny parts at the end of the episodes, in which John would plug some big American event he was doing, and Andy would make a vague plea about small-time stand-up gigs that he couldn't sell. As The Bugle went on, Andy started doing slightly bigger stand-up gigs and sounding slightly less concerned about lack of tickets sold (due to him building up an audience of Bugle fans), though it still didn't look great when put next to John Oliver's projects.

Alongside this, Andy Zaltzman started getting jobs in the world of cricket as well. He was a massive, utterly obsessed cricket fan, made a lot of cricket references in his stand-up and on The Bugle, and at some point some people took notice and started inviting him to do cricket things. Spots on sports shows in which he'd analyze cricket. Cricket commentary. Collation of cricket stats. After several years of this, he started getting to travel for it, announcing on The Bugle that he'd be doing stand-up gigs in Bangladesh because he was going there anyway to attend cricket games and be paid to commentate on them. He doesn't have personal social media, but he does have a Twitter account that Tweets nothing but obscure cricket stats that he has personally worked out. What a weird guy, spending all his own time gathering information about one niche subject and then collating all the stuff from various sources and posting his findings on the internet. Nerd. You wouldn't catch me doing that.

Off the success of The Bugle, he started getting some other stuff. He was a regular host for a while on the Radio 4 panel show called 7 Day Sunday, where he worked with Chris Addison and Al Murray and Rebecca Front, I have frustratingly never been able to find episodes of that show. He got a Radio 4 mini-series called Andy Zaltzman’s History of the Third Millenium, which I have also never been able to find. He started appearing as a guest on The News Quiz somewhat regularly. He did that one episode of 8 Out of 10 Cats one time, and it was very awkward. Stewart Lee put him on Alternative Comedy Experience.

In 2008, John Oliver released a stand-up DVD called Terrifying Times. Andy flew to New York to appear in the recording of it. He came on stage a couple of times, for a few minutes each time, interacting with John so they could include some of their joint sketch material in the DVD. There's also a DVD extra that's a conversation between Zaltzman and Oliver, which is hilarious.

In 2012, Andy Zaltzman again went to New York, to perform some stand-up on John Oliver's New York Stand Up Show (along with Chocolate Milk Gang's David O'Doherty), a confusingly titled American television program with various comedians doing short sets compered by John Oliver. After years of relentlessly making fun of John on The Bugle for how he started saying "gotten" once he'd been in America for a bit, Andy got on American TV and immediately said the word "sports", which was adorable. He tried to fit in. It didn't really work and the crowd didn't know what to make of him, but he tried.

In the original run of The Bugle, Andy Zaltzman really honed his trademark style. It was marked by absurd analogies that treat any of the following like each other: sports, politics, Greek mythology, religion, current events, and occasionally a movie or something. He started doing "pun runs", where he'd spend several minutes doing one coherent monologue in which he'd make as many puns as possible themed around a single subject, usually while John Oliver screamed in agony in the background (you'd think it would stop being funny but it didn't, at one point he started using a little bell to mark each pun). Jokes with footnotes. Jokes where the joke is that the story is pointless. Everything he said carefully and tightly wrapped in at least 18 layers of irony. A running joke in which he'd introduce each Bugle episode by discussing something obscure that had happened in history on the day they were recording. So many cricket and snooker references.

An audio cryptic crossword that ran for the first thirty or so Bugle episodes, in which he'd read out a clue every week, but the clue wasn't to anything that made sense, it was just to some shit he'd made up in his head, and he never released a visual to accompany it. Yet it did work, some people at home actually solved it all and wrote it all out and it all fit together perfectly (that is how you do a crossword, Pemberton).

Massive truckloads of absurdity dumped with increasing urgency all over current events, as though he thought he could bury the dark realities under it. Zaltzman and Oliver's name for this absurdity was "bullshit"; it used to be a running joke that they'd advertise The Bugle by promising it would be completely free of facts, providing the best bullshit you've ever heard. Long, intricate bullshit that all ties together and keeps going just when you think there can't be any more to this story that Andy has entirely made up. Like the athletes he wrote about at university, no one can sue him for libel because they don't actually exist.

One time their producer Chris Skinner accused them of having an especially sweary Bugle, so far containing "twelve fucks and one cunt", and Andy said that's the Jewish view of the New Testament, and they (rightly) talked for like three years about how good a joke that was to come up with off the cuff. Andy's lapsed Jewish-ness is also a frequent topic of his jokes, usually how incredibly lapsed he is, being a massive fan of bacon sandwiches and one time his sister gave him an entire dead pig as a Christmas gift, a story that made it into a Daniel Kitson stand-up show as well as a lot of Bugle jokes about how in most cases that would be a hate crime.

There were also jokes throughout that Bugle run about John Oliver's increasingly high-profile career; Andy gave him the nickname Johnny Showbiz and cheerfully kept telling stories of pastrami sandwiches after John's stories about meeting Samuel L Jackson or whatever. I first listened to The Bugle a few months after I listened to the old Russell Howard/Jon Richardson BBC 6 Music shows, and those were basically an audio documentary of a friendship slowly cracking apart due to one party's jealousy of the other's increasing success (I mean, there were other issues too), so I found The Bugle an odd contrast at first. Because Andy made those jokes, but it sounded like there was absolutely no genuine jealousy behind them. If anything it went the other way, he seemed to vaguely pity John's weird hectic life, and John seemed to generally agree that this was too much celebrity and Andy was better off in his shed. I started wondering: how is Andy this okay with the disparity? Is he hiding the jealousy really well or is he made of stone?

A while into my the first listen-through of The Bugle, after wondering this for a few weeks, I came to the conclusion that the reason Andy Zaltzman sounded unbothered by John Oliver meeting Samuel L Jackson is that Andy Zaltzman truly, deep down to his core, did not want to meet Samuel L Jackson. That man was not impressed by anything in the world that's not a cricket stat or a bad pun, and he entirely meant it when he mercilessly mocked John for the embarrassing transgression of winning an Emmy. That wasn't masked bitterness, he just thought winning an Emmy was genuinely embarrassing. And John Oliver, once again, seemed to basically agree.

In 2011, there was the News of the World scandal, owned by News International, owned by The Times, which owned The Times of London, which owned TimeOnline, which funded The Bugle. Andy and John decided to really go after everyone behind the phone hacking scandal, for several weeks in a row. They didn't just talk about the shit journalists, they went for the entire system of tabloid press and its collusion with government, the people at the top of the both sides of that, everything that allowed this to happen. While doing this, they had a running joke in which they'd tap their mic and ask "Is this on?", implying that their overlords at The Times would cut their mic in retaliation for talking shit about Rupert Murdoch. Then The New York Times wrote an article about what they'd been doing, and they started to sound slightly more genuinely worried that this might get them in trouble.

A couple of months later, for what both sides called unrelated reasons, TimesOnline fired John and Andy, pulling The Bugle's funding. In a Bugle episode in December 2011, they said this might be their last one, they were scrambling to find alternative funding sources but might have to just end the podcast. The tone in that episode made the discrepancies in their careers clear. John repeatedly emphasized how much he loved The Bugle and everything they'd built together, and how he'd like to save it. While Andy had a lot more genuine desperation in his voice as he again used the term "Jack K. Shit" to describe what else he had going on in his career, he actually needed to #SaveTheBugle. You can see that as well in how careful they both were. John and Andy both said they were dropped for apolitical reasons, just lack of funding. But John messed around a bit and implied that this may not be the whole truth, while Andy sounded less willing to possibly get them in more trouble. Years later, in a 2023 episode of the rebooted Bugle, the subject of The Times came up, and Andy offhandedly mentioned that The Bugle used to be funded by The Times, until they were dropped "suspiciously shortly after" they made a bunch of Rupert Murdoch jokes. This was the first time Andy had acknowledged a possible connection, and I liked that, like a sign that he'd finally achieved enough success independently so he could afford to talk like that a bit too.

I made a compilation of this situation a couple of years ago. Most of the Bugle bits in it are John Oliver's lines, because the compilation was meant to contrast John Oliver's running joke on Last Week Tonight where he'd talk shit about HBO's parent company AT&T, referring to them as "business daddy" and gloating about how he could do that without getting in trouble, with the time in 2011 when he went on The Bugle and talked shit about their business daddy and did in fact get in trouble. Andy had a lot of good jokes about Rupert Murdoch and The Times during those episodes, they mostly aren't in this compilation because they weren't as relevant to the Bugle-LWT John Oliver Versus Business Daddy narrative, but the compilation still tells the story. Also I illustrated it with a bunch of amusing old Zaltzman and Oliver pictures.

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In early 2012, they came back and announced that they had managed to sell enough listener subscriptions to keep The Bugle going independently. The Bugle continues to run that way to this day, free to listen to but funded by optional listener subscriptions, no ads (aside from a short time in 2018 when they partnered with Radiotopia and Andy had to read out those mattress ads and stuff, and you could hear his soul sinking into the floor, luckily that didn't last long), just because they created a product that's good enough to be worth its audience paying for. It also gets funded by merch sales and things. They have hats and socks.

The Bugle ran for a couple more glorious years as an independent podcast fronted by Zaltzman and Oliver. Then in summer 2013, Jon Stewart went away to film a movie and John Oliver filled in as a guest host for The Daily Show. John Oliver would do a fantastic job fronting America's flagship topical comedy show all week, and then come on The Bugle on Friday and lament how badly it was going and how he couldn't wait to get back to the sidelines where he belonged. But after that, as he'd proven his abilities as a host, HBO offered John Oliver his own weekly show. In December 2013, John Oliver proceeded to have a breakdown, but still left The Daily Show to start Last Week Tonight.

As shown in the compilation I've just linked, which is entitled Johnny Showbiz Gets His Own Show and Has a Breakdown, they promised at the time that this would absolutely not affect The Bugle. They promised! Repeatedly. I mean, they sounded at the time like they were trying to convince themselves and each other as much as the listeners, but still, they promised.

They mostly kept that promise for about a year, taking a few more breaks than usual throughout 2014 to accommodate John's busier schedule, but I don't think The Bugle declined in quality when it did go out. And given how few weeks off they'd had since October 2007, even The Bugle with extra breaks was still a hell of a lot of comedy material for them to turn over. They took a break for the whole summer in 2014, their first time taking more than a couple of weeks off in a row, but came back with a great run of episodes in the fall.

Andy did mention to Stuart Goldsmith, in a 2014 interview, that he was hoping he might be able to be involved with Last Week Tonight in some way, at some point. It's not clear whether he ever mentioned this to John Oliver. Seems like the sort of thing he should have maybe mentioned to John Oliver, instead of saving it for an uncharacteristically vulnerable podcast interview. But maybe he did ask John Oliver for that and it just didn't work out. He doesn't say. It certainly didn't end up happening.

Then, throughout 2015, The Bugle died a slow and incredibly painful death. They kept doing filler episodes, in which Andy would explain that John was busy, but promise he'd be back next week. Then, often, nothing, not even a filler episode, for weeks. Before 2015, they always put out an episode every week, usually a new episode, but if they didn't have one, there would be filler: an outtakes show or a best-of show or some recordings of stand-up or something. One time the producer Chris Skinner strung together a whole filler episode by doing things like interviewing their friend Alun Cochrane (back when Alun Cochrane was cool, Alun Cochrane is now no longer cool). But in 2015, they began to hit the limit on the number of weeks in a row when they could do filler episodes, so they started just putting out fuck all.

John Oliver did turn up for Bugle episodes occasionally in 2015, but when he did, he sounded increasingly distracted and like his heart wasn't in it. Which is fair enough, because we now know that he spent 2015 trying to write and present a research-intensive weekly HBO show, as well as caring for his wife while she had a high-risk pregnancy. It's as good an excuse as I've ever heard to not be able to talk shit about Bashar al-Assad or the band LMFAO with Andy Zaltzman every week (also, you have to give John Oliver credit for the fact that he did The Bugle very well for years despite never actually needing it, and was just in it for the love of the game). But he probably should have just said that, rather than clearly telling Andy all the time that he'd be back soon, which we know he was doing because Andy sounded like he believed it when he relayed that message to the listeners, and then it kept not happening.

To be fair, Andy also should have called time on the podcast way earlier - at the very least announcing an extended break, if not just acknowledging that it's not going to work anymore and ending it. Instead, Andy kept coming back to introduce filler episodes and promise us John would be back soon. And every once in a while he'd do a frustrated new episode with a checked-out John Oliver. I listened to the worst of this period of The Bugle within a couple of days, and that was rough, hearing it all at once like that. Had me yelling at my phone, "Oh my God, stop it! Just put it out of its fucking misery! This is an ex-podcast! Stop nailing it to a perch and trying to sell it back to us!"

Andy mentioned the "Jack K. Shit else going on" thing a couple of times as a reason for why he kept trying, but I don't even think that was true anymore. He had a big stand-up audience garnered by the success of The Bugle. He had his cricket career. He had regular radio work. He didn't have some big TV career or anything, but he had enough to be getting on with. Enough so he did not have to be as desperate as he got about trying to keep a podcast going when it was clearly over.

I think he was scared to try to do his comedy career without basing it around bouncing stuff off John Oliver. As his comedy career did have a history of spectacularly not working when he wasn't working with John.

Throughout 2015, Andy's increasing frustration could be heard in his voice during intros for the podcast filler episodes, and in the recordings of his 2015 stand-up that got released as said filler. He developed a joke in which he'd ask the audience who's heard of John Oliver, find the one or two people who said no, and shout, "Fuck you Percy Primetime, everyone in this room has heard of me!" "Percy Primetime" was a nickname spat with quite a bit less affection than the old "Johnny Showbiz". For the record I don't think they had a real falling out or anything, but there was some genuine bitterness there for the first time after all those years of fame disparity, it finally became clear that Andy Zaltzman's not actually made of stone.

In early 2016, The Bugle came back with one full episode that was actually very good, John and Andy were both really into it. John Oliver apologized for the many jokes he'd made in previous years about how funny it would be if Donald Trump ran for president, and they announced that The Bugle would be continuing for the forseeable future, just going once a month instead of once a week, so they could stop with the filler stuff and be more realistic about what was possible around new schedules. Then two months later, they came back and admitted this was not, in fact, realistic, and John was leaving The Bugle. Andy announced his plan to reboot the podcast in the fall, with John Oliver replaced by a rotating series of co-hosts from around the world. Andy sounded fairly terrified of this prospect.

The last episode of the John Oliver-era Bugle was number 295, and for reasons that Andy Zaltzman finds funny, he made the first episode of the new era episode 4001. This came out on October 24, 2016, and featured Hari Kondabolu as the guest co-host. Hari's a New York comedian whom I assume was recommended by John Oliver, as I can't imagine how else he and Andy would have crossed paths, and they sure didn't sound like two people who had ever encountered each other before. It was fucking awkward. It didn't help that it was a couple of months before the Donald Trump election, so a pretty intense time to try to just jump back into topical comedy with a "get to know the rebooted podcast" episode.

Basically, if Andy Zaltzman feared that his offbeat niche humour would not work without the one comedian in the world who was tailor-made to fit into it... those fears were not alleviated in that first episode. Hari Kondabolu is awesome, he has since become one of my favourite Bugle guests and I've gotten into his own stand-up, but that first time, he had no fucking idea what to make of Andy, and not much of an idea of what he'd signed up for with The Bugle. Andy had no idea how to talk to anyone in the world who isn't John Oliver. It was weird.

Episode 4002 featured Nish Kumar, who came in and immediately shouted "Fuck you Chris!", which was a running joke from the John Oliver-era Bugle (referring to producer Chris Skinner, John and Andy and the listeners would affectionately say "fuck you" to Chris a lot for reasons that made sense at the time), an instant way to assure the audience that he knew exactly what he'd signed up for. Nish had been listening to The Bugle since it started when he was still doing student comedy, and as far as I can tell, he'd pretty much climbed the ranks of the comedy industry in the hopes of someday getting to touch the garment of his heroes Andy Zaltzman and John Oliver (he might have had one or two reasons besides that, but it was mainly that one). And he got his wish. He's now the second most frequent co-host of the Bugle 4000-series (after Alice Fraser), and one time he got to play football with John Oliver and they got into fights on the pitch.

The Bugle continued on shaky ground for the first 25 episodes or so, really for the first 50. Andy has said since that he knows those episodes were rough, that he'd got so comfortable in his familiar rapport with John Oliver that he just couldn't generate the same thing with people he didn't know as well, and he didn't know anyone as well as John. Though it clearly wasn't just about who he knew as well as John, but who he could comfortably work with as well as John (which was no one). Helen Zaltzman came on a few of those early episodes, and she was a fantastic guest, really funny and took Andy to task and held her own on every subject, but it is incredible how little chemistry Andy Zaltzman managed to have with his own sister. He brought in Anuvab Pal, a comedian from Mumbai whom Andy knew from his time covering cricket over there, they were friends in real life, but they often sounded like they'd never met before. The only person Andy sounded like he knew how to talk to at all was Nish, whom he'd known for a few years through stand-up by the time the Bugle 4000-series started. The Nish Kumar episodes were the best ones, especially early on, but it wasn't anywhere near the levels of Zaltzman and Oliver chemistry.

Andy has said in interviews since that he was struggling during that time, and that started occasionally making its way into the Bugle content, which previously had rarely been particularly personal. At the end of 2016, Andy Zaltzman did a year-in-review stand-up show (something he did every year for a while, a whole stand-up show written to only be performed one time to mark the end of the year), and (on the subject of reviewers who aren't Steve Bennett), Dominic Maxwell in The Times (fuck off, Times) wrote a review in which he called Andy "John Oliver's left-behind sidekick". Andy brought that up on The Bugle several times, citing the "sidekick" line with real bitterness, and rightly so. Partly because he has never been anyone's sidekick (except maybe Daniel Kitson's once in a while at old Late 'n' Live gigs), and partly because that was a solo stand-up show that was not affiliated with The Bugle and definitely had nothing to do with John Oliver, so he shouldn't have been put in John Oliver's shadow in a context like that. It was actually a 4-star review, Maxwell liked the show. But the review's first paragraph was:

Why has John Oliver become a star in America while his old partner in seemingly shambolic yet secretly serrated political satire, Andy Zaltzman, remains a cult comedian with a sideline as a cricket stats man? Is it because Zaltzman, with his receded Harpo Marx explosion of hair, is less telegenic than Oliver, with whom he co-hosted the podcast The Bugle until last year? Is it because, although he is every bit as grounded in reality as Oliver, Zaltzman is a more devotedly loopy joke-writer, so that he always adds his own twist of wry absurdism to our leaders’ already skewed logic?

Starting a four-star review with that is one hell of a backhanded compliment, no matter how positive you go on to be about the show itself. I assume that review was the main one - probably among plenty of other reviews that had built up Andy's resentment over time, but that Maxwell one was clearly the straw that broke his back - that led Andy to record this "interview with himself" to put in the "in the bin" section at the beginning of a Bugle episode in early 2017.

So the stone was starting to show serious cracks at that point. At one point in 2017, Andy plugged his upcoming run at MICF, saying it would be good to perform in Australia because his career could "flush down the toilet in the other direction" for a bit. Nish Kumar laughed way too hard at that, I remember saying to my phone, "Nish, stop! Can't you see he's having a breakdown? Stop laughing at that and give the man a hug!"

It was hard to listen to the most stoically-dedicated-to-irony-and-bullshit man I'd ever heard have a breakdown, but things eventually got steadier. Andy did some episodes from MCIF in Melbourne, and on Bugle episode 4023, in April 2017, he brought in Australian comedians Tom Ballard and Alice Fraser. Tom and Alice both became Bugle regulars, but Alice especially started doing it all the time. Alice, like Nish, told stories of how she'd been a dedicated listener to the original run of The Bugle since before she'd started stand-up, and you can see Andy's influence on her comedic style (you can see it in Nish's too - John and Andy both influencing Nish a lot, while Alice is a lot more like Andy than she is like John).

The inclusion of Alice Fraser changed the game for the rebooted Bugle, as she quickly became a very frequent presence, and Andy developed as good a rapport with her as he could have with almost anyone. There are some sweet moments in her early episodes when Alice would pull out some Zaltzman-esque puns or absurd analogies, and Andy would sound genuinely touched that someone else was into his weird niche humour. He immediately started including her in some bit parts of his stand-up shows too, whenever he was in Australia or she was in England.

The Bugle also got better once they started doing two guests at a time instead of just one. Andy has said since that at some point he realized he and John Oliver had good enough chemistry to carry an entire episode, but he couldn't manage that with anyone else. However, he could do it if there were three people, so the guests could interact with each other too, and the three different types of interactions could get them through the 40-45 minutes more easily. They also started doing Bugle live shows, which went well, got toured in England and even in America.

Since then, The Bugle has grown into a thing that is new and very different from its original form, but also very good. As of May 2024 they've just hit episode 4304, having recently passed the 295 episodes that Andy did with John Oliver. Its format has changed. People still turn up with pre-written stuff, but it's not the same perfectly choreographed/somehow improvised dance of tightly written material that it used to be. It's got a wider range of guests, more diverse topics, fewer insular in-jokes. Some other format changes too, like dropping the listener correspondence. But a lot of the guest co-hosts breathe new life into it, bring different perspectives and styles of humour, contribute more than the original version with only two people ever could. It's introduced me to lots of great comedians from various countries (well, mainly Britain and America and Australia, but a couple from India, a couple from Ireland, one I really like from NZ), I've gotten into a lot of people's stand-up because I liked them on The Bugle. They've also created spinoff podcasts, like The Gargle, hosted by Alice Fraser.

The Bugle 4000 has brought in a bunch of comedians from the younger generation, but also let Andy bring in some old friends. David O'Doherty and Josie Long of the Chocolate Milk Gang have done it a few times, they make top quality episodes. Mark Steel's been on a bunch of times, who used to do the earliest days of Political Animal and of course is a king of Radio 4 along with Andy. Mark and Andy are great together, you can hear how much they enjoy each other's company, to the point where part of me dreads the day when Andy decides to be nice to his buddy Mark and let Mark bring his son to work. I don't think they'd do that though, The Bugle has standards. No Elliot Steel, please.

A big highlight of Andy bringing back old friends is Chris Addison, who worked on The Department back in 2004-06. Addison stopped doing stand-up years ago as he got a bigger career in acting and directing and things like that, and he's said he loves doing The Bugle because it gives him a chance to write comedy material the way he doesn't anymore. And because it's the only time he does that, he's not throwing his scraps at a topical podcast while spreading ideas across multiple platforms. He's coming up with solid gold, and letting The Bugle have all of it. Every time he comes on, he does his homework so well beforehand that the other comedians, including Andy, have to raise their game to keep up.

As for Zaltzman himself, he had some shaky times for his comedy material in those early reboot days. He started seeming burned out from writing so much without getting anywhere, and was re-using a lot of concepts for a while. It wasn't bad, but he did stop innovating for a while after John Oliver disappeared. The absurd scenarios in his monologues got a bit by-the-numbers.

However, as The Bugle found its feet in the new era, Andy broke through that and started writing better than ever before. He, as they say in sports and video games, jumped levels. Suddenly came out of a plateau and immediately jumped to a much higher spot than one would expect, like the slow and steady escalation of talent suddenly caught up to him all at once. Like magic. That is one of my favourite things about sports, when an athlete suddenly jumps levels, like magic. Andy jumped levels a couple of times in the late 2010s, and it was so cool to listen to. A big part of it was the way he'd tie together lots of ideas at once instead of hitting them one at a time, the way he'd make connections that turned his monologues into more than the sum of their parts.

He really, really hit a stride in 2019, as the world went to shit around him, and he started incorporating a bit more genuine emotion than he ever had before. So many emotions, all of them various flavours of searing fury at the state of the government. At first the bits of emotion were added unexpectedly, like he was experimenting with it, but then he learned how to blend it seamlessly into his previous knack for absurd ironic bullshit, it was amazing and I think he was growing into one of the best comic writers there is.

I sort of have a theory about that, which unfortunately gets me into a sports analogy so I hope I can be indulged in that briefly. As a coach, I am very familiar with the phenomenon where two athletes work with almost no one but each other for years. In some ways it makes them much better than they could be otherwise, because they're constantly being challenged by someone who knows their style inside and out, so they have to constantly evolve in order to stay ahead of the other person figuring out how to counter what they do, pushing each other to higher levels of the sport. But in other ways, they often end up with big holes in their game, because they never learn to respond to anything their main training partner doesn't do.

I think that may have slightly happened with Zaltzman and Oliver. And more to Zaltzman than to Oliver, because John was doing all kinds of other things, writing for The Daily Show with lots of people who weren't Andy Zaltzman. While the main thing Andy did was write for The Bugle. Even in his solo stand-up career, most of his shows were the best bits of what he came up with for The Bugle, so they were still written first for the purpose of bouncing off John Oliver.

So much of the beauty in the original Bugle was the way John and Andy found each other so funny, they were writing to make each other laugh. But this meant Andy Zaltzman was restricted to material that would fit his established role in a double act. The role of being the intellectual one who comes at things sideways while John tackles them head-on. That role did not leave him space to experiment with things like genuine emotion, even in spots where that could make a routine stronger. I can think of a few Zaltzman routines from 2019 that wouldn't have worked on the original Bugle, not because they wouldn't make John Oliver laugh, but because they wouldn't really have complemented John's stuff in the right way. The original Bugle had a perfect balance of comedic styles, which was what made it great, but you can't go throwing curve balls at a balance.

So my theory is that, once Andy got away from being restricted to the perfectly chosen double act role, and he then got over his slump from when he was upset about losing the double act/possibly worried he couldn't do it on his own, he had a couple of levels that were ready to be jumped. The Bugle released a bunch of the recording from Andy Zaltzman's year-in-review stand-up show from the end of 2019, and it's incredible. The "best of" from an absolutely stellar Bugle year, taking the strongest bits from all those weeks he'd spent writing, and tying them around some structure. It's one of the best fucking things I've ever heard. Andy Zaltzman does everything at once in it.

In 2019, Miles Jupp left The News Quiz, a major topical comedy panel show on Radio 4 (I'm pretty sure it's the major comedy show on Radio 4). Angela Barnes, Nish Kumar, and Andy Zaltzman - three of The News Quiz's most frequent guests at the time - each spent some time guest hosting it, as they applied for the role of permanent host. Andy got the job. He mentioned this on The Bugle during the week before his first episodes of The News Quiz as permanent host, and did it with his usual flair for self-promotion, which is almost none, he just said it's happening. Fortunately Nish Kumar was on that Bugle episode with him, and Nish insisted on interrupting Andy to tell the listeners what a big deal The News Quiz is, that Andy won't brag about it but he got a huge job on a flagship show after years and years of smaller spots on radio shows and earning his place there, and it's really cool. It was adorable to hear Nish hyping up Andy for getting a job for which (Nish didn't mention this part) Nish Kumar had also applied.

In October 2022, John Oliver came back for a special Bugle 15th birthday episode, just him and Andy for half an hour, and it made me have to pull my hat down on the bus so people couldn't see that I had tears in my eyes from laughter (honestly, I should have anticipated that and not listened to it on the bus). It had been years since they'd worked together, and they mentioned during that episode that they hadn't seen each other in years and hadn't even had much contact since the end of The Bugle, but somehow they fell right back into the perfect rhythm. It's nice to know the magic's still there, even if they're not using it anymore.

So that pretty much brings you up to speed with where Andy Zaltzman's at now. For the last few years, his career has been hosting The Bugle in its expanded form that includes live shows sometimes, hosting The News Quiz, collating cricket stats and still doing lots of cricket-related work. He hasn't done a new Edinburgh hour since 2019, but he toured Satirist For Hire in 2022. He definitely can't describe his career with the term "Jack K. Shit going on" anymore.

Quick question, just asking for a friend - how many thousand words do you have to write before something goes from being "quite long for a Tumblr post" to "quite short for a biographical book"?

In fall 2023, Andy Zaltzman mentioned that he "might" have some new stand-up to announce soon. That surprised me, because to be honest, between The News Quiz and The Bugle and the cricket, he's fucking busy these days, and he must be making enough money to not need stand-up. He turns 50 this October. He's been slowing down the stand-up over the last few years, after about twenty years of doing it constantly. I thought he might be winding down that side of his career.

But suddenly, he's mentioning possible new stand-up in 2024. He mentioned it briefly in the fall and then didn't bring it up for so long that I started to think he must have changed his mind about it. But then, in spring 2024, he suddenly started talking about live gigs again. He booked some WIPs in May and June and plugged them on The Bugle. He slowly, with his usual level of self-promotional skills, barely admitted to the fact that he has a whole stand-up tour planned for November 2024. "November 2024?" I thought. "That seems odd. Andy rarely plans so far ahead, he's usually scrambling to plug gigs he forgot he has next week. And now, when I'd thought he might be leaving stand-up behind, he's planning an entire tour many months in advance. Why did he suddenly decide to do a whole big stand-up tour again, and once he did decide that, why did he plan it for so late in the year? I mean, I'm not complaining. More Zaltzman stand-up is great! But it's a break from his usual pattern."

That is what I thought, to myself, as I listened to his updates on The Bugle. And then I sat in the break room at work and I refreshed a page and saw the Taskmaster season 18 lineup and I jumped into the air and all became clear. He's capitalizing. Andy "No Commercial Promotion Skills Whatsoever" Zaltzman is going to capitalize on his fall 2024 Taskmaster bump in popularity by following it up with a tour. I'm so fucking pleased for him.

Guys. It's going to be so good. He's so good, you're all going to love him, I promise. Do you know what it will do to Taskmaster to have someone who can run circles around Alex Horne in the field of analyzing everything via obscure statistics? He's going to make Alex look like an amateur. He's going to have an explanation for every single thing that happens and none of the explanations will be rooted in any kind of reality but they will all make internal sense.

Oh God, people are going to have to talk about him. It is so funny to listen to people try to work out what to make of Andy Zaltzman, particularly if they're not in Andy's carefully curated niche of people whom he's decided he can manage to talk to. Ed Gamble is going to talk about Andy Zaltzman. 17 years after sharing a stage with Andy at Late 'n' Live where Andy declared Marek Larwood the most fuckable member of We Are Klang (he was incorrect, but not for the reasons Tumblr thinks, I would like to immediately apologize for saying that), Greg Davies will have to judge whatever absurd bullshit comes out of Andy's brain. There will be so many cricket references.

Have I mentioned that a cornerstone of Andy Zaltzman's comedy is turning everything into a sport? That's part of his absurd analogies, he analyzes everything as though it's sports. And I love people who analyze Taskmaster as though it's sports. Andy Zaltzman is going to go on Taskmaster and treat it like sports. Oh it's going to be so much fun!

I cannot wait. I cannot fucking wait. I've just realized he's going to have to plug Taskmaster on The Bugle. That'll be weird. Who's on TV now, Johnny Showbiz? I mean, still John, still very much John Oliver, but Andy as well now! You did it, Andy! It only took 17 years!

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amberbeach · 1 year ago

Text

'TEST DRIVE'

gif belongs to me

You leaned over the seat to pop the hood, and Billy propped the lid while you climbed out, closing the car door before standing next to him, placing your hands on your hips.

"What are we dealing with today, doctor?"

Billy turned his head, smiling down at you. You helped him so often with the car that you had bought overalls similar to his, in a different shade of blue, and the sight was adorable in his eyes.

"It appears to require routine adjustments. I'll know more when I strip it." You bit back a grin and he shook his head, raising his eyebrows. "I was referring to the car, not myself."

Immediately you pouted, eliciting a chuckle from him before taking your place by the toolbox. You had helped him achieve the vehicle's more unique aspects and remembered many of the tools when he asked for them, but sometimes, like today, you forgot.

"There are five wrenches." You held up a wrench and he shook his head. You took out another, and set the two down when he shook his head.

"Those are too small."

You closed your eyes, and Billy quickly moved the correct wrench near your hand, ensuring it was the wrench you chose. You grinned when he took it, tightening the bolts.

The other Rangers were watching a news report inside the garage while you and Billy worked outside. You faintly heard the Rangers being mentioned in the report and observed Billy as he worked on the car. If people knew who the Rangers were, they would assign Billy as the brains of the team, and they wouldn't be wrong, however, you knew how resilient he could be. He never gave up easily and while he was not the most confident of the group, he wasn't shy either and after watching his progress in Jason's classes, you knew he was a skilled martial artist. He was much more than his intellect.

He waved a hand in front of your eyes, and you blinked, focusing on his features that lit up because of the smile on his lips. "Earth, to Y/N. Where did you go just now?"

"Krypton."

Billy shook his head, kneeling beside you, "I will have to test the enhancements, but they should improve the overall functions. Do you want to go for a drive later?"

You nodded with a smile. "I'd love to." Your smile grew, a giggle leaving your lips when you saw the oil on his cheek. Picking up a rag, you attempted to clean his cheek, tilting his head up with a finger under his chin. "I think I'm making it worse. I'll go fetch some water."

You stood up, briefly resting a hand on his shoulder as you walked away, and Billy watched you head into the house, a smile on his lips. He continued to clean the oil off the tools he had used, and when you returned, he was closing the hood of the car.

He leaned against the car as you cleaned his cheek, a smile forming on his lips as he gazed at you while you focused on the task at hand. When you were satisfied, you stepped back with a smile, but before you could move too far, he caught your hand and brought you closer. Your hands instinctively rose to rest on the nape of his neck, your smile growing as his hands held your waist.

Your friends were forgotten as you leaned in, kissing tenderly, and when you pulled away moments later, they made their presence known. You blushed, burying your head in his chest as he chuckled, his cheeks darkening from the attention.

"Do you want to test the car now?" You asked quietly.

You hadn't spent a moment alone all day, and Billy knew taking the car for a test drive after his improvements was the greatest way to get some time alone. He nodded, and you tossed the blue rag next to the toolbox, following him into the car.

"Hey, where are you guys going?" Zack called out.

Billy rolled down his window, and you leaned over to answer, "We'll be back soon. Test drive."

As Billy drove off, you shuffled closer, smiling as you rested your head on his shoulder, admiring the clouds ahead, placing a hand on his chest as he drove. One hand steered the car while his free arm rested around your shoulders.

"The steering has improved." He remarked.

"Really? Maybe we should keep driving and find out. You know, in case you have to fight a monster in another country or something."

Billy knew it was an excuse for more alone time, and smiled as he looked down at you. "It could require further adjustments."

You lifted your head, returning his smile before pressing your lips to his tenderly, pulling away moments later to admire the view. There was nowhere he would rather be than with you.

#billy cranston #billy cranston x reader #billy cranston imagine #billy cranston imagines #mighty morphin power rangers #mighty morphin power rangers imagine #mighty morphin power rangers imagines

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sandumilfshou · 5 months ago

Note

hi! so i’ve been dipping my toe into final fantasy 7 content and im considering getting the game only ive heard mixed opinions about which one to get and as the only blog i follow that has some ffvii content i hope you don’t mind me asking for your opinion!

a lot of people are saying that you should play the original game before playing rebirth because you won’t understand some stuff in rebirth if you don’t but others say rebirth is a totally new-player friendly game. i’m open to getting and playing the og before playing rebirth but if i don’t have to i don’t necessarily want to

also this ask is gonna seem really silly if you haven’t played the original lol sorry but yeah! just an opinion that is not some random person on reddit would be nice. hope you have a nice day!

thanks for coming to me about it!!

its funny because ive never fully played through the entire original FF7, the style of it (sometimes an hour between save points) really put me off so i never completed it. if im being honest i got into FF7 by watching one of those no commentary playthroughs of FF7 remake before i moved in with my brother who has a PS5 so i could play it myself

(i also did this with crisis core, which is a prequel game which really helps you understand some events and people in rebirth)

i literally only know the entirety of the og ff7 plotline through what i have gathered via extensive fanfic reading!! the first few i read were set pre-game (so crisis core era) and i had NO idea who anyone was or what was happening, i just wanted sefikura content bc that ship is chefs kiss

so i picked up plot stuff via osmosis in fic, watched playthroughs of ff7 remake and crisis core, played ff7 remake fully, attempted crisis core and the og ff7 on my switch and didnt finish either, and at this point i know enough that i fully understood ff7 rebirth! (other than the weird multiverse thing which hurts my head but that is new content)

ff7 remake mostly aligns with the plot of the og ff7. rebirth starts to diverge quite a lot, though very similar plot beats happen, and you meet all the same characters. rebirth hits a lot harder if you know the original plotline, especially if you know crisis core and therefore know who zack is

sooooo.... i hope that helps????? basically if you dont want to play the og or watch a playthrough you can read some time travel fix it fics / longfics and that is usually a really good way to understand the original plotline lmao

and you can also watch advent children if you like, which is set post-ff7, but its not necessary to understanding remake or rebirth so far!

best of luck on your ff7 journey and godspeed

#ff7 #ffvii #ffvii remake #ff7 remake

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verysmolspams · 6 months ago

Text

Elyse being sensitive about her height (5’3”) because she wants to be seen as capable as the rest of SOLDIER:

Random cadet: hehe you’re short.

Elyse: And you just fell short of your target; try again.

Genesis, dueling with Elyse: I didn’t know they let elves partake in Soldier combat.

Elyse: oh fUCK off, you walking red flag.

Angeal, watching Elyse try to get something from a higher shelf: you sure you don’t want me to hel-

Elyse: Nope, I got it. *proceeds to climb up the shelf and grab it, before climbing back down.*

Angeal: ….

Elyse: What?

Zack: Elyse? What are you doing up there?

Elyse, hiding the box of cookies that Angeal put on top of the fridge: … nothing-

Sephiroth: You silly, tiny mage. *picks her up from the ground with a sigh after she had just set off an explosion in a mission. (She eliminated the target, but not by his original directions).*

Elyse: that’s meeee— oh wait… I’m in trouble, aren’t I?

She wants to be taken more seriously sometimes; she tries her best. 🥺

#my oc stuff #my oc #ff7 oc #oc x crisis core #oc x canon crisis core #ff oc x canon #incorrect crisis core #oc x sephiroth #sephiroth x oc #Zack fair #angeal hewley #sephiroth #genesis rhapsodos #crisis core crack

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5ivebyfive · 1 year ago

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whumptober day 26: “Sometimes I get so tired; I don’t even know myself.” fandom: power rangers (2017) ship: trimberly note: Set vaguely in the universe of such a beautiful disaster. You don't have to read it to follow this, but you should! (and I'm gonna work on updating it) tw: drug use mention, super angst Kim had good days and bad days. Then she had very bad days. She was over the withdrawal of the drugs, but her mental health wasn’t good. It was like everything she had suppressed with cocaine was finally rising from the water. Trini could handle it all though. She loved Kim and anything Kim brought, Trini was there. But the very bad days were hard for her. It was like there was nothing she could do to console her girlfriend, and it angered her. She wasn’t angered at Kim, but at the whole situation.

Kim going through withdrawal and starting life without drugs had taken a toll on Trini. She tried so hard to be strong for Kim, but some nights, when Kim was able to fall into a deep sleep, Trini cried. She mourned for ther Kim before the drugs, and she mourned for how broken Kim was still. But she powered through it, kept it to herself, and kept going.

Trini was sitting on the couch in the living room. Kim was taking an afternoon nap, and as much as Trini wanted to join her, she just needed a break. So she called Zack and listened to the phone ring.

“Yo, Trini,” he answered.

“Yo,” Trini replied with little energy.

“You okay?”

“I don’t know,” she said. She didn’t often talk about everything with Zack because it was Kim’s business. But sometimes she needed to let some of it out, and she couldn’t with Kim. So Zack it was.

“What’s up?” He asked in concern.

“I’m just…tired,” she said with a sigh.

“Are you sleeping?”

“It’s hard to sleep. I lay there and worry about her, and…it’s like, if I sleep and something happens…”

“You gotta take care of yourself, too,” Zack said.

“I don’t know,” Trini said. “Sometimes I get so tired; I don’t even know myself.”

“I say again, take care of yourself.”

“Yeah,” she said distantly. Then she jumped because suddenly Kim was in the room, and she didn’t look happy. “I gotta go,” she told Zack. She hung up and looked at Kim. “You okay?”

“I’m a burden on you,” Kim said softly. “You don’t sleep because of me.” Trini closed her eyes. Kim wasn’t supposed to hear that.

“Princess, you’re not a burden. Never.”

“You just told Zack I am,” Kim said with a stubborn tone.

“I didn’t.” Trini got up and walked towards Kim to take her in her arms, but Kim pulled away. “I don’t care if I never sleep again,” she said. “As long as I’m taking care of you.”

“Yeah,” Kim huffed. “Then you’ll pass out or something and it’ll be my fault. Just…forget about me, okay?” She turned on her heel and went back into the bedroom to slam the door shut behind her. Trini immediately followed and tried to turn the knob on the door, but it was locked. She started to panic. A locked door was bad. She knew Kim was clean and was working hard to stay that way, but a locked door scared Trini. She had no idea what was going on behind it.

Trini’s whole identity had become taking care of Kim. She was on sabbatical from work so she could be there 24/7. And all that time together often led to fights. At least, on Kim’s end. Trini tried to acquiesce and not fight back. She didn’t want to fight with Kim. She didn’t want to make things worse for Kim. So she felt like she was disappearing. Everything that made her her was gone, because all she was, was Kim’s keeper. And she wanted it that way, but it was difficult. She was overtired, burned out, and depressed. She just didn’t let that show in front of Kim.

“Kim,” she called through the door. “Open up. We can talk.”

“I don’t want to talk!” Kim shouted back.

“I need to talk to you.”

“To talk about what a burden I am?” Kim said with a growl.

“You’re not a burden!” Trini shouted, losing the control she tried so hard to have around Kim. The door swung open and Kim glared at Trini.

“Yeah, it’s my fault you’re not sleeping.”

“No, it’s my fault,” Trini argued. “I’m the one who makes myself stay awake as much as I can. I’m the one who’s in control of that. I’m the one who decides to do that.” Kim looked at the floor, crossing her arms. Trini tried to approach her again. She put a hand on Kim’s arm and looked at her, even though Kim didn’t look back. “I love you. So much. I just…can’t help worrying about you.” Kim kicked the floor with the toes of her foot and her frown deepened.

“I don’t want you to worry about me so much,” she said quietly.

“Well…I do,” Trini said.

“You don’t have to,” Kim said. “I can go stay somewhere else and you can sleep and…not think about me.”

“You’re not leaving,” Trini said thickly.

“You can’t make me stay,” Kim replied. “I’m an adult.”

“You want to leave me?” Trini asked, sad fear in her voice. Kim looked up, her gaze clouded.

“Wouldn’t it be better for you if I did?”

“No! You can’t…would you really do that?” Trini asked. Her brows furrowed and she shook her head. Kim didn’t say anything. “After everything I’ve been doing for you?” Trini was starting to get mad.

“You deserve a break from me.” Kim glanced up.

“I don’t need a break from you. But I do need you to stop assuming what I need.”

“You’re doing too much,” Kim murmured. “I’m draining you.” Trini sighed and nodded.

“Yeah, you are. But I’m not going anywhere.”

“I’m tired of being…like this,” Kim said, her eyes welling with tears. “I want us to go back to normal. Before…everything.”

“So do I,” Trini said. “But you still need time.”

“I need time…away,” Kim said, looking away again.

“You’re still in a place where you could relapse,” Trini said.

“I won’t.”

“How will I make sure of that?”

“You don’t have to,” Kim said. “I can take care of myself. I’ll stay with my parents.”

“Kim…” Trini felt hopeless and her heart was breaking. “What…what does that mean for us?”

“It means…we need a break. I need a break. And I think you do, too.”

“I don’t!”

“I’m going to go pack and call my mom,” Kim said, turning to the bedroom door.

“Kim!” Trini moved closer to grab her, but Kim pushed her off. Then Kim went into the bedroom and closed and locked the door. Trini deflated. She stumbled over to the couch and fell onto it. A break? She couldn’t handle a break. She couldn’t handle how much she was going to worry with Kim so far away. She leaned her head back on the cushion and closed her eyes as silent tears fell down the sides of her face. She loved Kim more than anything else in the world. She didn’t care what happened to herself if she could just take care of her. But it was difficult. It was draining. Loving Kim in this period of their lives felt…like she was being pulled in multiple directions while her tooth was being pulled. It was killing Trini. She knew it, but she couldn’t say it. She didn’t want to say it. Kim was going through so much and Trini couldn’t fix it. She often felt like she was drowning. Like she couldn’t breathe. She walked on eggshells around Kim, hoping not to upset her or guide her into falling back into drugs. It was so hard. It was straining their relationship. It felt impossible.

But Trini didn’t care. She would let Kim grind her down into nothing, as long as she could be there. And Kim wasn’t letting her. Kim was shutting her out again. Trini shifted and laid down across the couch, eyes still closed. She curled into a ball and cried. She cried for all the fear and pain she had been through with Kim ever since everything had been off while Kim secretly did drugs. She cried for not being a good enough caretaker which was pushing Kim out the door.

She heard Kim come out of the bedroom and didn’t look at her. The air was thick between them. Trini just wanted Kim to go already. She couldn’t take it. Then, she felt Kim climb onto the couch behind her. Kim’s arm went around Trini and pulled her back against her chest. Trini wanted to pull away. She was sad and angry about Kim leaving. But Kim hadn’t held her in so long. Trini leaned back into Kim. Kim kissed her neck.

“I love you,” Kim whispered. “I’ll be back.”

“Don’t,” Trini begged.

“Ssh,” Kim hushed. She curled into Trini. Trini couldn’t fight it anymore. She stayed silent and sniffed, her face itchy from drying tears. She squeezed her eyes shut and just let herself be in the moment. Kim pressed her lips to Trini’s shoulder and held them there. They lay there silently for a long time, Kim just holding Trini, until eventually, Trini fell into a deep sleep.

#trimberly #trimberly fic #power rangers 2017 #my fics #beautiful disaster tag #wt23 tag #lemme know if you like it #reblog please!#queue sera sera

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mj-mcqueen · 3 months ago

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Here's the whole cast of kids, plus the head counselor Peter, before his life was hell!

Peter- a poor, poor theatre camp director. He genuinely cares about these kids and putting on a good performance. He's got tired dad vibes. He's not a very optimistic guy, constantly stressed about the show and what the kids are doing. He tries to use "gentle parenting" on the kids but ends up getting walked over constantly. He has to deal with Zack's antics, Juliet's fury, Hannah's tears, and every kid's little quirks. He's doing his best, but don't blame him os he falls asleep accidentally on the job.

(there are a few more counselor characters although they've yet to be designed)

Zack- a rambunctious, hyperactive, sensitive kid who has a passion for the theatre but a chaotic personality that either leads to disaster or fights. He was the last to show up to the theatre, having been kicked out of his last one. His two best friends are Ricky and Cooper, although the other two are typically not involved in Zack's shenanigans. He and Juliet butt heads VERY often. He particularly enjoys bugging Peter, making his life a little harder as Zack fights for his attention (hint hint he's neglected at home). He secretly looks up to Peter like a dad. Zack isn't necessarily a bad kid on purpose, but he doesn't always think about his actions. He's a kid what can you do.

Ricky- an excitable, approachable kid who always has something to prove. He typically helps build the sets and props, while Zack helps paint. He wants to make Peter proud and put on a good show. Ricky has a tendency to be neurotic and stressed about things that aren't in his control. He's a people pleaser and overly helpful sometimes.

Cooper- the cool kid. they're the heartthrob of the theatre, they are constantly fought over by Juliet and Hannah. They're extremely humble and go between trying to make everyone laugh to hiding away of their own out of embarrassment. They're Zack's longest, bestest friend and just wants everyone to be happy. Cooper can handle a lot of attention but only sometimes pulls it to themself. They're secretly one of the funniest kids in the camp.

Juliet- the one that never gets a lead although she fully believes she deserves it. She's insecure, and constantly envious of her cast mates. She desperately wants to be best friends with Cooper, and they're too nice to turn her away. It's obvious to everyone else that she has a massive crush on him although she'll never admit it. She tries her hardest and always dares to continue even as she keeps failing. She's a kid, she's selfish. She has her flaws.

Rain- the youngest and cutest character in the group. He's kindhearted to a fault and extremely trusting. He is naive and loves his friends indefinitely. Rain tends to play kids or animals in the shows as his young and has a slight speech impediment. He gets wrapped up in Juliet's schemes to mess with Zack or Zack's schemes to cause some mischief, although Peter knows he's not really at fault. He's adorable.

Markus- a kid who played a British character once and can never go back. He always talks in a British accent and acts like he's a sad Victorian child, sick and poor. No matter what the show is, a Western or a modern one or whatever, he always talks in a British accent despite his growing up in the US.

Milly- the stage manager. She is reserved but can yell louder than anyone in the cast if they're causing a ruckus. Milly has about anything anyone needs in her backpack, like a first aid kit, snacks, Gatorade, duck tape, a screwdriver, and any kind of wire, she has it all. She watches over the kids like a hawk, making sure everyone is safe and the show runs smoothly. She can't act to save her life.

Danny- the younger sister of Cooper. She, like Milly, cannot act. She tries her best and always gives it her all, but every single time she's cast as an object, like a tree, a bench, a cloud, or a tumbleweed. She is sweet, caring, and gives people pep talks about how amazing they are.

Hannah- the powerhouse. She's the girl that's almost always the female lead without fail. She's sensitive, and dramatic, but is a genuinely nice person. She wants to date Cooper to be a power couple although he continuously lets her down gently. Hannah's best friend is Juliet, unaware of the burning jealousy Juliet holds for her. She almost always cries at the end of shows, her love for the theatre making her emotional at almost every moment.

Lana- the dancer. She's not a great actor, but she's certainly the best dancer out of all of them. All she wants to do it dance, and she wears her tap shoes at all times, despite Peter's pleading for her not to. Lana will periodically break out into dance. She loves to talk, annoying some of the other campers, although she means well and is a genuinely sweet person.

#oc #ocs #oc art #character design #character sheet #original character #original story

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cottoncandy-cult · 1 year ago

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You Get Drunk (ZFBFS)

Tw, if you couldn't tell there will be mentions of alcohol consumption. I know surprise, surprise but some people have to be told anyways.

Zack came home after a long day of work; he had gotten a call from his girlfriend's father warning him her day had been stressful and that she had fixed a glass of wine. He didn't understand the need for a warning call, he hadn't seen her drink before but after seeing her sober the obsidian haired man didn't have a reason to believe she'd be too wild. When he came into the house it was dark and quiet, assuming she had gone to bed since it was a quarter til midnight the male turned on the living room light. That was when he spotted two empty wine bottles and a big gulp mug, his golden eye twitching as he quickly decided to go and check on her.

When he didn't find her in bed, he felt concern rising, checking every other reasonable place he felt that concern shift to full panic. Her dad was gonna kill him if he lost her. That was when he noticed the back door open, taking a few steps outside he spotted a trail of clothes starting halfway along the side of the swimming pool. He quickly grabbed his hunting knife from the coffee table where he had set it, and from there he bolted out of the house. He had been quick when following the trail until he passed the pool, when he approached the tree near the back wall of the fence, he noticed a certain someone in only their panties and bra sprawled out on the tire swing and passed out as it slowly spun in circles.

His fear was quickly gone, had the scene not been so funny and his relief so great he would have been frustrated. Her head was thrown back and her (H/l) (H/c) hair was a mess, the soft skin of the girl's cheeks was flushed red, and she had drool running up towards her forehead. Zack crouched down and had been gentle when wiping away the saliva trail before carefully pulling her from between the triangle of ropes, slipping her over his shoulder like a bag of potatoes and going back to the house. Once inside he carried her to her room and tucked her in, then went outside to gather her clothes. Once inside he locked the doors and turned off the lights, making his way to her room where he tossed the dirty clothes in the hamper. Deciding it would be better to stay with her in case she got sick sometime during the night, he quickly stripped to his boxers and slipped into bed. He knew he'd likely be having to baby her tomorrow, but he didn't mind much since it was her. Though that didn't mean he wouldn't give her a hard time for scaring him the way she did, the poor guy was about to call her father and accept his fate when he noticed the opened backdoor after all.

#fluff #x reader #fem reader #zack foster boyfriend scenario #zack foster x reader #zack foster #angels of death #isaac foster boyfriend scenarios #isaac foster x reader #isaac foster #candy cult vault

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magic-belodie · 2 years ago

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I finished the NSFW route of MCLAL Lysander, episode 5. It cost me 1.146AP. I got the illustration. Here is a link to it: https://magicbelodie.com/wp-content/uploads/2023/01/1404-f3e933fbc704c3691674033756.jpg Here is the summary: (This summary is the sequel of the summary positive episode 4: https://www.tumblr.com/magic-belodie/685135233684766720/i-finished-the-positive-route-of-mclal-episode-4)

You start this episode in the kitchen, it has been three years since you came to live here. You are making baskets, you just finished the last one, then Lysander comes into the kitchen. He was taking care of Wooly and Fuzzy. Lysander takes you in his arms. He is so happy with all your help around the farm. He doesn't know what to do without you. You two have an hour left before the visitors come. Lysander starts kissing you and ask you what you want to do in the meantime. You suggest that you two should eat. So, Lysander is in form for what you have planned tonight. Lysander blushes. Lysander makes lunch while you set the table. You like this little breaks together a lot. And you love your work on the farm. This place has really become your home. Then the doorbell rings. Lysander goes up to open the door. You follow him.

Castiel is at the door as a surprise. While a surprise to you. Lysander already knew, but he forgot to tell you. Castiel thinks Lysander will never change. You have tried to change him, and Lysander sometimes learns. Castiel put his bags on the ground and gives Lysander a hug. Then they part away and Castiel asks you for a kiss on the cheek. You answer that you want a hug, and Castiel takes you in his arms. He tells you that you smell just as good as he remembers. He thought that living on a farm would change that. You and Castiel part away, and you look at Lysander, he seems happy that his friend is here. You ask Castiel why he came here. He wanted to be away from everything after what happened with Zack. And Lysander offered him that he can always come if he needed. But Castiel points out that you really don't have a choice to refuse. But you wouldn't if you ever had the choice. You are happy to help friends. Lysander has to make his deliveries. He asks Castiel if he wants to help. Castiel first wants to know what the other option is. He could do the dishes with you and then welcome the visitors. He agrees to go with Lysander, Castiel hates doing the dishes. And that way Castiel knows that Lysander doesn't get lost while doing the deliveries. Lysander gives you a kiss. He and Castiel put a part of the baskets in the car and leave.

You go back to the kitchen to do the dishes. Then you go back to the living room to welcome the visitors and give them their baskets. After the last customer left, Castiel and Lysander come back. You ask them how it went. Castiel is happy with all the calm here. There are no people who taking his picture or scream his name. Castiel asks what is next on the schedule. Lysander and you have to go to the garden to pick up the apples. There will be made cider of them. Castiel loves to help and doing something with his hands for the change. You ask Castiel what he normally then uses to play his guitar with. Castiel sees that you haven't lost your humor. You all go to the pastures to pick up the apples.

Every one of you gets their own tree, ladder and bucket to pick your apples. While picking them, you think back about the first time you picked apples. You were more busy with looking at Lysander than picking apples. But this time, there are two handsome men. Twice as many reasons to let your gaze wander. You first watch at Lysander. You still see how all his muscles move. Then you look at Castiel, you didn't expect him to be shirtless. You can very clear see all his muscles move. Then Castiel looks at you. You look away and try to concentrate on your work. It starts to get dark. It is time to go back inside. You go to the kitchen to make dinner. Lysander and Castiel put away all the baskets with apples.

In the kitchen, you warm up some leftover soup and make some croutons. For the dessert, you make some warm apples. Lysander and Castiel come into the kitchen. It smells really good and Castiel calls Lysander lucky. But it isn't luck, Lysander and you made the soup. But you were, the one, that found the recipe. Lysander guesses that he is indeed lucky. Castiel and Lysander go to set the table. Lysander asks Castiel if he wants water or wine. Castiel says that it depends on how early he has to get up in the morning. You have to get up at 6 or 6.30 if you want to sleep in a bit. Castiel is surprised by the time stamp. He remembered that he had to get up early here, but didn't remember how early. He will take the water. Dinner is ready, you all go sit at the table. Castiel wants to know what you are up to since you finished your study and if you want to do something with it. In the long term, you plan on doing something with art. You don't know exactly what, but in the meantime you enjoy your work on the farm. So, you let your ideas come to you naturally and don't push anything. Castiel finds that cool. And he is sure Lysander will miss working with you when you start to do something with art. Lysander will, but that shouldn't be a reason to keep on working on the farm. No matter what you choose, Lysander will always be there to support you, as you did for him. If Lysander needs help on the farm, he can always hire Castiel. Castiel might take Lysander up on that, if things doesn't work out with Crowstorm. You ask Castiel if he wants to talk about it. Castiel explains what happened. He was accused of plagiarism. While the other band member distanced from him and the lost half of their fans. Turns out it was a set-up by Zack, because he was jealous of Castiel. Castiel got more attention than him. You think that normally the singer gets more attention. Castiel guesses that you are right, but he can't change anything about it. But in the end, the truth came out. And it all works against Zack. He even lost his girlfriend. She is still the drummer of the band, but they don't have a guitarist anymore. Castiel has a solution for that, be he hasn't been filling as creative in writing. That is the real reason why he came here. He wants help from Lysander with writing. Castiel knows that Lysander has said no many times. But he hopes that his mind has changed. Lysander enjoyed writing back in high school, and he still does. But there is no pressure on it. When you write for a band you get the hypocrisy, the formalities and all that kind of stuff. That is not something he wants to deal with it. Castiel makes clear that he isn't asking him to go on tour with him. But just wants to have a little jam session here with only himself and Lysander. You tell Lysander that it doesn't commit him to anything, it could be fun to try. Castiel says that you are right and Lysander thinks that you are right two. Then Castiel blew it up to suggest letting Lysander sing next Saturday for a couple of hundred people. Lysander is really surprised by this. Castiel and the band agreed to do this thing next Saturday, and they are supposed to come with a new song. So, the easiest thing for him is to write the song with Lysander and perform it together. In Castiel's mind, Lysander is always part of the band. You tell Castiel that he should have started with this news. Maybe you are right, but Castiel didn't hide anything, and he likes to start slowly. Castiel also wants to be back on stage with all the people he loves, and the money they make with this concert goes to charity. Castiel hopes that Lysander can't resist this idea. And of course he can't. Lysander and Castiel will try tomorrow to make a song. If they succeed, he will go on stage. But only for this time, because Castiel needs Lysander. Castiel is so happy if Lysander wife wasn't here, he would hug Lysander. You tell him that you are not Lysander's wife, and you tell them to please hug. It doesn't bother you. Lysander and Castiel hug, you smile while watching them. The story skips to the next day.

For today, you don't have a lot of chorus planned. Taking care of the animals and checking the vegetables in the garden. You all are already done at lunchtime. After lunch, you all go to the living room to write a new song.

Lysander takes out of his pockets a notebook and a pen. He is always prepared for when inspiration comes to mind. All the things they have to do according to Castiel is; writing new lyrics, making music with it and preparing Lysander for his stage performers. We start with writing the song. Lysander already got some inspiration when he was talking early to the duck. Lysander wants to put Crowstorm, the word, in the song. Castiel finds it a bit weird. But it has been done before. Castiel asks for examples, and you name Vanilla Ice with Ice Ice Baby. Castiel wants more examples, but you don't have any. He doesn't seem convinced. Lysander explains that it hasn't to be in the title. He was only telling his idea. It could be a bit mystical, a bit evocative. Castiel asks if Lysander already has a few lines. He does; I earned a crown… A crown of thorns. I faced them all… A crowd of foes. This is all Lysander got for now, but Castiel and you like it a lot. Lysander asks if you know something to make the song more interesting. You come up with the lyrics: I broke my ties… From a storm of crows. Castiel writes it down, but he doesn't seem very convinced. Lysander finds it good, and he is impressed you can come up with that in just a few seconds. Maybe you should invest in making song lyrics. Castiel then asks if you can sing or play an instrument. You don't, but now you have a first verse for the song. Then Castiel wants to make some music for the verse. He already has a few ideas. The rest of the afternoon, Lysander and Castiel spent on writing the song. You pick your outfit for the concert. There was only one outfit to choose.

The story skips to the concert. You are in the crowd singing with your friends; Alexy, Rosa and Leigh. You keep looking back between Castiel and Lysander. They are having so much fun on stage together. It is so nice to see them sing together and having fun. The song is finished. Castiel asks applause for Lysander and you to help make this song. The band joins you and your friends at a table and you all drink together. Lysander is a bit stressed. But you tell him that he did great. Everybody agrees to it. Castiel even thinks that Lysander should do it more often. Lysander doesn't want to do it more often. But he enjoyed doing it. It was a great new experience. You all clink your glasses. Then a lot of fans coming to the table to take photo's with the band. You see that Lysander gets tired and asks if he wants to go home. Castiel suggest that you two can crash at his place. Lysander and you agree to it.

At Castiel place, the boys took a shower after each other, then it's your turn for a shower. When you dry yourself, you hear the boys talk. They are talking about you. You really have a good influence on Lysander. Castiel didn't expect for the two of you to be so long together. He is happy that it worked out for Lysander and how you two support each other. Castiel had a little crush on you when you were in High School. He felt like he misted his change when you and Lysander started dating. There felt a silent. You want to hear more. Castiel finally says that if Lysander ever hurts you, he will be there to comfort you. Lysander doesn't seem to like this. Castiel apologize, he would never do something to hurt Lysander. You get a bit disappointed. You wouldn't be against getting closer to Castiel. If it tempts Lysander. You walk out of the shower with a smile. The boys seem a bit embarrassed you knew that they were talking about you. You are in for trying something new. You place your hand on Lysander's knee. And ask Castiel if he is in for your idea. You also ask Lysander if he wants it. You seem to read his mind. He likes the idea. You get even more exited. Lysander says just this one time. He is sure. You both look at Castiel. He is a bit surprised. But of course he wants to if you both seem sure. You put your hand on Castiel. He quivers. You are not sure what to do. You turn towards Lysander. He starts kissing you. Castiel put his hands on you. You start to kiss Lysander passionately. Desire takes a hold of you. You let your jacket slide off your shoulders. Still kissing you, Lysander slide his hand under your dress. You lean back, letting the fabric slide down your body. Lysander and Castiel stop to look at you. Your half-undone dress gives them a glimpse of part of your body. You smile at them and give them an inviting, almost challenging look. They both come closer to you, showering you with kisses. Castiel kisses your shoulders, neck, top of your chest. Lysander's hand strayed from the top of your thigh, passing over your underwear. You buried your face in his neck to muffle a cry of pleasure. Castiel takes off his shirt. You place your hand on his chest. He wasn't smiling anymore. He devoured you with his eyes. Castiel had the same look on stage: inhabit, in a sort of trance. Lysander's fingers were still caressing you, and making your head spin. You look for his belt to undo the buckle. Lysander slips your underwear down your thighs. You hear Castiel's belt hit the floor. Your heart is pounding. You try to catch your breath. But Castiel starts to kiss you. You don't know which of the two lead you to lay down on your back. You lose sight of them staring at the ceiling. Someone is kissing your inner thigh. You close your eyes to let yourself go. When you open them again. Lysander is leaning over you. He kisses you, your back arching. You try to caress Lysander. Your fingers slide towards the bottom of his belly. You feel him tense up. His kisses grow fiercer. The ceiling in front of you is spinning and dancing. Lysander's kisses and Castiel's attentions are making you lose track of time. You let out a moan, you think you hear Lysander sign in echo. Castiel sits up. Lysander turns his head towards him. Lysander helps you to sit up again. His hand running along your body, under the fabric of your dress. Lysander's body rested against yours. You kiss him again, his face, his neck. Feeling Castiel behind you. Pressing you up against Lysander. You think you are going mad with desire. Their bodies around you, hugging you, kissing you, caressing you. You get the illustration. Your legs are shaking. You feel their heats beating violently, like yours. You recognize the sound of condom wrappers, followed by a slight downtime that only increased your anticipation of what comes next. Lysander leans back so you could straddle him. You two make eye contact as he enters you. You bit your lip to suppress a moan. He cares you chest, letting you guide your movements. Lysander didn't look away from you, when Castiel put his hands on your hips. You felt the warmth of his body against your back. When Castiel entered you in turn. You kiss Lysander's lip to stifle up a cry of pleasure. To feel them both against you, inside you, their hands, their lips on your skin, Lysander's eyes locked with yours, his smile. You don't even know how you feel anymore you are dizzy. They both suppressed their rhythm on you. Overwhelmed, you let yourself go, you surrender to their embrace. You didn't want to close your eyes. You take turns looking at Lysander and Castiel. Especially Lysander, you want to share this moment with him. Pleasure rose within you at a frantic pace, You can only hear all the moans you three make. They move faster. You grip Lysander's shoulders. Finally, you think your heart is exploding. Your vision becomes blurred. You cry out with pleasure. Lysander's body comes intense. He closes his eyes. Castiel's arms wrap around you, You hear him moan in your ear. You all collapse on the sheets, shaky, exhausted, feverish. Your legs still shaking, you roll on your back. Castiel and Lysander lay against you. You wrapped your arms on their shoulders. Gently stroking the skin on their back. Closing your eyes. It was a wonderful moment. Your heart and breathing starts to calm. You all fall a sleep. The next morning, Castiel says goodbye to you and Lysander. You all had a wonderful time this past few days, and especially last night.

Back home, life returned to normal the following week. You were a bit worried that, that night, would change your relationship. But it didn't. It brought you two even closer. You are also happy to be back at the farm. This is really your home. Then the episode ends.

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