#[ anyways they definitely have the 'me and the bad bitch i pulled by being autistic' sorta vibe and you can't convince me otherwise ]

[unladielike]

an unconventional couple.

( yet another self indulgent picrew edit i made of vivian and @spiritpyro’s hayate because i clearly lack self control. seriously, though, these two keep holding my very last brain cell in a choke hold that i can’t stop thinking about them nearly every single day... )

[blacksurvivalnostalgichanges]

JP:The next time Leon's angry with me, I'll drape him in a cape and say "now you're super angry"!

JP:Maybe he'll laugh, maybe I’ll die!

[hyperfizationss]

can i request some hcs for spiderman noir x gender neutral reader who's a singer?

Spider-noir x singer reader hcs

-literally love this request❤️if I could I would kiss it

-anyways

-totally try’s to make it to all your shows

-he’ll come to your shows as both Peter and spider-noir,but if he shows up as spider-noir it probably b/c he just got done fighting a villain

-now he does live in the 1930s I’m imagining the reader with like a Marilyn Monroe (I don’t know any male old singer/idols sorry!)

-definitely likes to help you write songs

-if you ever asked him to sing with you he’d never actually do it.

-as Peter

-but if spider-noir just happened to to show up he’d definitely sing with you

Spider-noir: a friend of mine told me you wrote a duet but no one will sing it with you

Y/n:really may I ask who this friend is?

Spider-noir: I think you know ;)

-WOULD TREAT YOU LIKE A QUEEN/KING AFTER UR SHOWS

-like just a bit of nfsw here scroll on if u don’t like that

-I imagine after a few of your shows he’d slowly slip of your dress/suit backstage and kiss every part of you while telling you how good you were on stage

-ok nsfw over

-if you wrote a love song dedicated for him he’d fall in love with you all over again

-as Peter in that situation,he’d immediately head backstage and give you a very passionate kiss

-but as spider-noir in that situation,he’d head to a back alley that’s near the place you were singing (I’m imagining an old timely club/pub) and do the classic Spider-Man kiss thing

-he’d sometimes wonder how he was able to pull such a talented individual

-you guys would so be that meme “me and the bad bitch I pulled by being autistic”

-imagine if you two had to travel for shows and you got to pay for the prettiest hotel ever

-if you ever watched home alone 2 that’s the kinda hotel you two would stay in(just not in New York,cause that’s where you’d live)

-he likes to pick out what you wear before shows,it makes him feel special

-like either necklaces or ties he just likes to pick it out

-if he ever missed a show he’d never stop apologizing for it

Y/n: Peter I have another show next week,it really doesn’t matter

Spider-noir:I still shouldn’t have missed it

Y/n:Peter,baby,love of my life.you were saving a kidnapped lady from a gang,my show was the least of your worries

-I think you’d make more money than him as a singer so you love to but him gifts and Knick knacks

-you’ll also get him new glasses if he ever breaks his(he’d totally ramble abt how glasses should be free,cause why should someone pay for disability care?)

-if you ever got so big that you made it on the radio he’d set up a whole ass party for you just to hear your song on the radio for the first time

-he supports you through everything,the good the bad you name it he’s there

-whenever he’s at actual work and not being spidey he has a radio on his desk just to see if one of your songs come on

-and whenever one of your songs do play he always whispers to himself “that’s my partner”

EEEKK loved this request so cute!

[celiaelise]

Okay so I gave Wednesday another chance and stayed up all night to watch the rest of the season. The writing was definitely less painful than the first episode! (or maybe I was just feeling less judgy, who can say?)

Honestly the characters did end up appealing to me a lot! Enid and Wednesday's relationship is especially sweet. And the mystery was fun and compelling. Surprisingly, I even kind of like Xavier? Maybe because of artist kinship, lol. He seems like exactly the sort of sadboy Tumblr loves, but he didn't really get the focus to become that, which I think is why I was able to like him. If this was ten years ago and I was still going along with straight ships bc I didn't know there was anything better, I'd probably be rooting for him. I felt bad for him that Wednesday put him through so much, but it seemed like nothing he couldn't handle.

Speaking of Wednesday putting people through shit! I feel like the show did not emphasize enough that there was a reason when she started being even more of a cold heartless bitch! She let herself care about Eugene and let him in on her schemes and he was nearly killed!! She didn't know if he was going to wake up! Like, yes, she had a long-standing belief that solitude was strength, which was only reinforced through ominous warnings from her albino doppelganger, but also!! She was currently dealing with the guilt of someone she cared about being seriously hurt as a result of her deviating from that belief!

Like, obviously she's going to pull back and lash out at Enid and Xavier? She thinks she's the fucking Grim Reaper, and not in a fun way. She thinks letting herself get close to people is going to get them killed, and she's terrified.

One could also read into the fact that she doesn't seem to pull back from Tyler quite as much as the others? Maybe it's just because she needs him for rides, or because he's less willing to be put off by her behavior, but maybe... maybe she hasn't quite forgiven his past transgressions as much as she made it seem, and maybe she's less emotionally invested in him because she doesn't see him as part of her community? (idk, I'm just spitballing, and I could definitely be forgetting something.) (this isn't to say she doesn't really like him or that she's faking it, just that she maybe feels less protective of him.)

Anyway, I like getting to see an autistic Mexican-American girl getting the spotlight! (oh shit!! I bet she'd get along great with Guillermo de la Cruz!! 🩸🔪) And I stand by my earlier assessment that she's written the way male heroes often are, especially with regard to emotional ineptitude. Most girls or women who behave as callously as she does would have been completely overhauled by the end of their character arc, whereas Wednesday's flaws are acknowledged and duly criticized, but there's also no unrealistic expectation for her to completely change who she is. Also the scene where she tried to torture Tyler? A little disturbing, but totally something a male action hero would do. At the end of the season, the other characters accept her, (if not explicitly forgive her) without giving her ultimatums about changing who she fundamentally is.

Oh one last thing, I do think it's kinda fucked that they went with the "this species of monsters is genetically destined to be evil" storyline. 😕 Questionable choice, that.

[dogboycolumbo]

Hi! Which td couples (both canon and non canon) do you think fit the “me and the bad bitch I pulled by being autistic” dynamic?

I think Eva and Izzy, in a better universe, a nicer Noah in rr probably says this about himself and Owen, definitely Shawn and Jasmine

I also think Rock and Spud simultaneously see each other as the autistic who pulled a bad bitch in their relationship

And finally, in a Sierra x Heather situation I definitely think Sierra would make hundreds of posts like that

Anyways I hope this question isn’t annoying and that you have a nice day

ANON UR SO REAL FOR SAYING THIS IS HEATHERRA…. sierra literally would <3 one million posts a day like ‘GUYZ!!! MY GIRLFRIEND IZ SOOO COOL!!! >w< ’

sierra has like 16 total drama blogs but u know all of her active ones would become monopolized by heather moments and fun facts after wt (since she didnt have any internet access then) . imagining sierra opening her blogs for the first time in three months and seeing cody self shipping like. um. Moving on. i love my girlfriend. ‘RETRACTING ALL CALL OUT POSTS OF HEATHER TOTAL DRAMA… SHE IS NOW MY GIRLFRIEND (LONG STORY)’

evzy so real i love them. nowen and jashawn and rock and spud too<3<3<3 i cant actually think of that many other couples that fit that dynamic BUT lesharold totally would

thank u for the ask it’s not annoying at all!! i luv thinking about td

[johannas-motivational-insults]

Jo’s Top 10 of 2020

I see lots of artists doing that thing where they post a piece from each month of the year... unfortunately my content creation isn’t necessarily consistent and it’s hard to track what month individual fic chapters were posted in, but I figured I’d do something similar and post my Top 10 pieces of content I created in 2020, what they’re about and why I love them. I actually did get a fair amount done this year thanks to the lockdown, but I’ve narrowed it down to these ten that I’d like to reflect on. (To be fair, I’m probably forgetting something huge. Feel free to leave comments if you think I passed over something important lol.)

10. Friendship in the Horde (meta): This is something I’d wanted to write for a while but finally got around to finishing in February. It’s basically a sociology paper lmao, an analysis of the social hierarchies and systems of the Horde. It was also a convenient excuse for me to gush about Catralonnie, an underrated (friend)ship. But honestly this was an important piece for me because I have always identified with the Horde characters way more than any of the rebels (other than Adora, who grew up in the Horde) and part of why is how they are in an unsafe environment and end up forming relationships that are helpful for survival but hinder them psychologically. And I think to understand the Horde characters and really evaluate their motives and choices you need to understand this first.

9. The Sting in My Eyes: On the surface this is just a run of the mill hurt/comfort oneshot, but it was a really important post-canon processing fic for me. I had a lot of feelings about Catra’s relationships with Shadow Weaver and Melog in season 5, particularly about how Catra must have felt really conflicted after Shadow Weaver told her what she wanted to hear all those years but in a way that felt unearned and out of the blue. It was really cathartic for me to write a scene where she struggles with those mixed feelings but has Adora and Melog to help her process them. And I had long associated the song the title is from with Catra and Shadow Weaver’s relationship, and the way she died trying to redeem herself really solidified that connection.

8. Hail Mary, chapter 6: This was supposed to be a short chapter mostly about the backstory between Catra and Scorpia in this au, with some Catradora yearning thrown in. It evolved into a massive, sprawling thing that is very atmospheric in terms of how the setting and vibes are described and how in the moment it feels. Hail Mary is like that sometimes but that type of narration is usually about football games rather than parties, so this chapter was a fun change of pace in many ways. It was really nostaglic for me to write too, the nerves of being a teenager at a party with your crush and how intense everything feels. And the Scorptra stuff really is delicious, it was nice seeing them have that conversation they never got to have in canon and truly make up, and the tiny sliver I added of Catra’s earlier history was heartbreaking in the best way. So this was not what I intended to write, but it turned out way better for it.

7. A Better Son or Daughter (AMV): I’ve done other Adora AMVs, but this one is really my iconic piece. The song is perfect for Adora, so perfect it’s on Noelle’s Adora playlist. The vid itself is a character study about Adora’s mental health struggles and the way she represses them, as well as a tribute to her resiliency and her eventual triumph of getting to a better place in her life. This is a song that gives me a lot of feelings and once I was making it about Adora it gave me even more, so this was a very satisfying piece to complete. I wish Noelle had gotten a chance to see it but oh well, maybe down the line.

6. Hail Mary, chapter 12: This is the chapter that much of the fic had been building to, Catra and Adora in conflict because Catra finally got the chance to be Adora’s hero and Adora shot her down. It’s painfully analogous to canon, both in terms of how (I suspect) Catra felt in Thaymor and Adora’s tendency to victim blame because she’s so pragmatic. There’s definitely some tones of Taking Control in there but Lonnie does a much better job of examining Catra’s psychology and needs than Glimmer did in canon (a writing error imo, Glimmer should have had more insight). Adora just wants to help but sometimes in her quest to do so she disenfranchises others, and this was a much needed look at that aspect of her character. It’s also an excellent illustration of what it’s like to play a peacekeeping role in an abusive household and how stressful it is trying to protect others while also protecting yourself.

5. Unstoppable (AMV): This is not my favorite Catra AMV I’ve ever done, but it might be the cleverest. The soundtrack is a song about mental illness masquerading as a song about being a bad bitch, which is basically Catra in a nutshell. The lyrics are incredibly fitting for her and her arc as it develops over seasons 1-4. The vid itself takes a hard turn in the interpretation of the lyrics, going from talking about how no one can stop Catra to how she can’t stop herself because she’s in such a terrible sunk cost fallacy spiral, and I think I got several death threats over that twist lmao. As someone who primarily deals in angst, there’s hardly a better compliment to be paid.

4. Demons, chapter 31: This one got real dark on me. The concept of this chapter was originally an examination of how comparing abuse can get really dicey but you also have to respect that other people have had different experiences from you and you have to be careful not to equate things or make it sound like you’re talking over someone else. I guess it’s also a bit of a look at how autistic people (like myself) will often explain why they can empathize so others know they understand rather than saying empty platitudes, but that can come off as insensitive or like they’re making things about them. I mean, in this case Adora kinda was making things about her, but she was provoked into it by a parade of comments insinuating she didn’t suffer at all, which was also unfair. Anyway it’s one of the more important Catradora fights in Demons and something I’d written bits of over a year prior, it was that important to the plot, but it also took a turn I was not originally planning. I finished the chapter when I was in a really bad depressive and self-loathing spiral and that bled onto the page, but it worked perfectly for Catra in this scenario... that push and pull of feeling like the world has hurt and victimized you mixed with knowing you’ve done some bad things yourself and feeling like you don’t have a leg to stand on when mourning the ways you’ve been hurt. It’s intense as all fuck but it’s excellent.

3. Hail Mary, chapter 11: Speaking of dark Catra content, this chapter... whew. It was really something else, to read and to write. I have written flashbacks in Demons that are more detailed and even include explicit violence but because those scenes are always in flashback form I never really got the chance to sit in the head of an abuse victim waiting for the other shoe to drop for an entire chapter like I did here. It’s quite different from the rest of Hail Mary stylistically and is both highly sensory and extremely internalized. It took me back to some terrifying moments in my own life so it was difficult but also extremely cathartic to write. It’s important too because it really sets up where Catra was at mentally heading into her big fight with Adora, and that chapter is in Adora POV. This chapter is ranked so high simply because it’s... polished, as @malachi-walker put it. It almost is its own story within the story and really noteworthy as a piece all its own.

2. Demons, chapter 26: This chapter is very similar thematically to Hail Mary 12, just based in the canonverse. It deals with one of the core (but highly neglected by fandom) conflicts between Catra and Adora, where they both need to feel like they can take care of and protect the other but also detest feeling weak or vulnerable themselves. It leads to Adora’s ego making Catra feel disrespected and Catra’s behavior confusing Adora and making her think she’s an ungrateful brat rather than someone who needs so badly to be needed, just like her. There’s definitely some power struggles in this chapter but finally they’re able to get to the heart of it and seeing them talk it out is so satisfying. Getting this chapter published was also important to me on a personal level because, like I said, this aspect of their conflict and relationship is rarely acknowleged for how important it is when really it’s one of the deepest conflicts between them in the series. It’s a scene I started writing pretty much as soon I knew I was extending the fic into something longer because I just needed them to have this conversation, so finishing it was so satisfying.

1. Satisfaction, chapter 3: This chapter took me a really long time to write, both in terms of time to get it published and time I actually spent working on it. It’s the crown jewel of a fic that’s really important to me and I had to get it just right, so I spent more time agonizing over every detail and rewriting things to get them absolutely perfect than I usually do (I’m a perfectionist anyway, but this took it to a whole other level). But in the end it was worth it, because this chapter is damn fine. It’s really hot, as you’d expect from a smut fic, but it’s also an excellent character study of how both Catra and Adora were affected by their abuse and trauma and the issues it raises for them in terms of sex and intimacy. Also, come on, we need more BDSM fics out there that focus on the actual point of it all (the trust involved) and promote communication and do the character work to explain why they might be into it in the first place.

BONUS (from December 31, 2019): One of my favorite pieces of 2020 technically came out in 2019, but I posted it on New Years Eve so most people first saw it in 2020. It’s an absolute banger of an AMV called I’m Not Jesus that’s all about Catra and Adora’s anger towards Shadow Weaver and their refusal to forgive their abuser. Funny enough this came out before Adora’s iconic “I will never forgive you” line, and Shadow Weaver definitely made things more complicated with how she went out, but I think the sentiment still applies.

[faunusrights]

OFFAL HUNT REMASTER LIVEBLOG // CHAPTER 9

oh goody!

well this is it. the Date Chapter. the chapter, in which, the Date happens. lowkey im so fucking hype for this stupid goddamn chapter AAAAAAAAAAAA this is when the sexy got kicked up about seven notches and i know its gonna be a fucking twenty from here on out so LETS GO LESBIANS LETS GO

“Is this your date, Ms. Fall?” he asked.

Cinder didn’t look away from Glynda. “Mhm.”

STRAIGHT OUT OF THE GODDAMN GATE WE DIDN’T EVEN HAVE A SECOND TO EVEN GATHER OURSELVES JUST STRAIGHT UP HUH!!!!!!!!! ‘is this your date’ im legally dead

What the fuck.

already im fucking THRIVING im so glad this chapter’s mood got encapsulated within the first ten seconds and im definitely gonna have to re-read this chapter for the full unannotated experience OOOOOOOOOH MY GOD IM SO READY

Glynda’s thoughts ricocheted inside her head like coins left in a dryer. A part of her couldn’t understand what was happening and disengaged. The rest of her, grasping for purchase in all this, reasoned that going with Cinder was better than staying here confused, alone, and utterly displaced.

glynda ‘i aint ever had a gf before’ goodwitch at her PEAK right here. like GOD shes gone from ‘cinder’s trying to murder me’ to ‘cinder just plopped me right into a date’ like CINDER. CINDER YR CHANGING GEARS SO FAST. YOU DIDNT EVEN SEND FLOWERS OR ANYTHING!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

is it because shes a u-haul lesbian or

Higher, Glynda realized the dress itself was backless, revealing the black tattoo she’d seen so often before, perfectly centered between sharp shoulder blades.

this gay energy is BONKERS, quite frankly??????? where did cinder get her dress from? why does she have it? did she buy it just for this fuckery? or will she pull the ‘i just had a this lil number laying around’ line????????? does she wanna seduce glynda to death?????? was this PLANNED OR DID SHE JUST DECIDE SHE WANTED A DATE AND WTH LIFE REALLY IS SHORT ON REMNANT THESE DAYS?????????? cinder fall please explain your workings to the class

maybe Glynda wasn’t the only one who’d become adept at reading her opponent.

👏 when 👏 will 👏 they 👏 kiss 👏 already 👏👏👏👏

me: this is a slowburn also me: if u assholes dont give me this in the next ten seconds-

“Unarmed? As if you could be so helpless.”

cinder’s style of flirting is just. commentating on a person’s deadliness. that’s IT it’s the only TRICK SHE HAS and its working, is the thing,

im reading the description of the table and remembering the shitpost and oh my god i have to draw this???? hell IS real!!!!!! COULDNT YALL JUST TOSS EM IN A PLAIN BOX,

Cinder eyed her from her bastion of dark cushions,

cinder, ass-deep in cushions: this is peak cuddle territory come and join me

Cinder, for her part, seemed delighted Glynda had noticed. Touching the pendant more gently than Glynda might have ever thought her capable of, Cinder said,  “Yours? You didn’t seem to mind parting with it.”

im still deeply enjoying this powermove the novelty NEVER wears off (and at risk of light spoilers i do enjoy its place in this story 👀)

Cinder let the necklace drop, settling against the swell of her bust once more,

/lightly coughs 👀👀👀

im losing my MIND at how gay this bit is i physically cannot HANDLE IT and if they even describe the meal once im gonna pop off cause i am. SO HUNGRY RN. AAAAAAAAAAAA

Cinder indicated a dish of lamb and vegetables, served on a bed of rice and drizzled in some sort of sauce.

SRY THIS ISNT GAY BUT OH MY GOD IM SO HUNGRY I WANNA E A T I T THAT SOUNDS SO GOOD UGHGHGHGHGHGH WHY DID THIS CHAPTER HAVE TO BE TODAY OF ALL THE DAYS,

Glynda cleared her throat, working out: “The Grimm.”

like. GOD WE KNOW GLYNDA IS JUST SO FUNCTIONALLY BAD AT CONVERSATION BUT OF ALL THE THINGS glynda please just. just. stop thinking abt her sexy tattoos for a fifth of a second,

“You can control them.” A sedate blink. For all the world, Glynda might have just commented on the weather.

which is a faux pas for a date!!!!!!!!!!! at least tell her the DRESS IS SEXY WE ALL KNO WHATS WHAT YR THINKIN ABT

Glancing down as though it were being pointed out to her for the first time, Cinder shrugged and adjusted the end of the glove a little higher on her bicep. “And?” 

a quick aside im enjoying how like... visually expressive cinder is in this remaster! i can see her facial expressions and her motions really clearly in my mind’s eye which is a fun little boon if only because i have to redraw this nonsense hjsgdfjhfksgd but cinder’s got a Good Face this time around! A QUALITY FACE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

You should know by now, there’s something about you that’s simply irresistible to Grimm.”

HERE COMES THE PLOT (and a single surviving line so far... this one sentence has survived all the world could throw at it... we stan)

Cinder straightened, and Glynda saw that this was what she’d been waiting for.

“It isn’t every day the great Glynda Goodwitch kneels before her adversary, is it?”

HELLO??????????????????????????? WHATS THIS WORDING????????? honestly tho for a second i thought she meant like. quite literally and i thought id missed some PROPER SHIT RIGHT THERE BUT YEAH WTH!!!!!!! C I N D E R

“You cheated. You can’t beat me on your own.”

yes glynda we gathered that yr a top

“Really, Glynda? Poison?” she sneered, something like offense simmering in her expression. “After all this?”

looks at the camera

anyway,

god im literally losing grasp of words to say because theres such a charged mood in this scene............. theyre brushing fingers............ trading jabs.......... im slurpin it up babey!!!!!!!! this rly is the BEST remaster of this whole scene it DESERVES this wordcount!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

“Beat you,” Cinder corrected. “And call it a point of pride.”

yes cinder we gathered yr a brat,

this dynamic is why this fic is so fuckign good when will winter have a swift return to add even more fuckery to this wild ride

Then, with a heavy-lidded look, Cinder found Glynda’s hand between them, the touch so sudden and daring that Glynda flinched. The fabric of those gloves was smooth against Glynda’s flesh, and for all that cruelty had marked every other instance of contact between them, Cinder was surprisingly gentle.

whomp there go my nuts

WHAT IS THIS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! WHO MADE THE EXECUTIVE CHOICE TO ADD THIS LINE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! HELLO???????????? im losing my BRAINCELLS

What she wasn’t ready for was for Cinder to guide her hand to her own throat and hold it there.

THERE IS IT THERE’S THE KINK IT’S BEEN SPOTTED

oh my GOD what even IS THIS WHO ADDED THIS SECTION WHO ALLOWED THIS TO COME TO P A S S WHAT THE FUCK EVEN IS RN!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! HELLO????????? HEWWO??????????

Now… Now Cinder interested her.

tbh how can i liveblog this? what commentary can i POSSIBLY add that we arent already all THINKING. we just launched into a level of hell so deep that lucifers gonna have to pull some goddamn tricks to follow us down here!!!!!!!!!! WHAT IS THIS SCENE! THIS MOMENT! IM SCREAMING

Glynda mirrored the expression back at him, and finally, he coughed, not making strong eye contact with either of them. He set their plate before them and hurried out without so much as a check-in.

i just KNEW that was gonna happen JHGDSFGJHKSDF he was gonna walk in on SMTHNG but i didnt think itd be CINDER’S CHOKING KINK,

okay i took a break and ate my weight in roast chicken and we’re back babey

Almost nervously, her fingers carded through her own dark hair, and there, among the locks, Glynda spotted a glimpse of something white, structured and ridged.

AND I AM INSTANTLY KNOCKED BACK UPON MY ASS 👈W👈H😨A👈T👈

It was easier to ignore the rest of it—whatever it was.

glynda you are a fool and a moron im withering into DUST

On no level had she expected those to be Glynda’s words.

then what... did she expect... well probably -- and rightly so -- ‘bitch WHAT ARE THOSE’ TBH

wait sorry i have to jump back because i forgot customary fingerguns on the most brazen bit of Shit yet:

Cinder was occupying herself with something else: the head of a dragon, perched over the door and staring down at the two of them with red, glossy eyes.

👈👈👈😎👈👈👈

okay BACK TO THE FIC

Fangs snapped together around the word.

aka back to me horni

/chanting TEETH! TEETH! TE

okay but the reason i doubled back to catch that fingergun is because we’re getting ass-deep into plot now!!!!!!!!!!! WITCHES AND DRAGONS BABEY......... HERE’S WHAT OFFAL HUNT IS ALL ABT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! i cant rly drop more fingerguns than that because any astute reader will start realising the dots im shouting abt and honestly half the fun of this fic is the ride so >:3c

“Funny. I was sure he would have told you.”

that blow was so low i think cinder hit the concrete with that one

oh god theyre gonna get to the bit and i-

“Is that what all of this has been about? You called me here to remind me that I'm autistic?”

/SCREAMS

The words were delivered firmly, calmly, but Cinder’s response was the opposite, sudden upheaval seizing her. Her expression opened in something akin to panic. “Wh—no? What? No! That's not what I—”

/SCREAMS

oh my GOD CINDER YOU HAVE FUCKED UP LEGENDARILY!!!!!!!!!! OH MY GOD SHE WAS FELL ASS-FIRST ONTO A LANDMINE OH MY GOD

offal hunt v1 cinder: im totally in control and im playing glynda every step of the way

offal hunt v2 cinder: OH JESUS OH FUCK OH NO THAT’S NOT WHAT I MEANT-

Cinder seemed genuinely stressed now, speaking quicker as though trying to bury the last sixty seconds.

i knew this remaster would have sections that would blow me away but this bit really took the fcuking cake DGHSJFSJHFDG holy SHIT this is AMAZING

It was difficult to tell in the low light, but if Glynda wasn't mistaken, there was a bright flush of embarrassment coloring Cinder’s cheeks.

this is SUCH prime content hey remember in one of the early liveblogs that cinder would descend into full dork? WELL THE DESCENT CAME EARLY!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! /pops bottles

“Cinder.” There was a very real line of threat in Glynda’s tone. “Don’t.”

oh this whole scene just keeps getting better i am LOVING this dynamic now!!!!!!! before it was all pretty one-sided so having the conversation rock back and forth is 👌👌👌

That Witch soul of yours—it was designed to void out everything but the prey before you. To be numb to all human emotion. To focus on the hunt and nothing else.

finally the fruit of 50% of my fingerguns COMES TO LIGHT!!!!!!!!!!! PLOT PLOT PLOT

“This is bullshit.” Jabbing an accusing finger at Cinder, Glynda said, “You’re a liar. You’re a criminal!”

i LOVE glyndas pottymouth in this its such a good like... change from her being strict and formal and teachery and now shes full on gremlin huntress hell YES BABY!!!!!!!!!! GO OFF!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

“There’s all kinds of things I bet he never told you.” Cinder continued. “Did you know he was close to your predecessor? The Witch who came before you—they were inseparable.”

SRY IM LIKE STRUGGLIN TO COMMENTATE because so much of this like. speaking as an Old-Ass Reader this is like. a LOT! A LOT HAS CHANGED and yet,,,, stayed the same,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,, yall kids WILL NEVER KNOW WHAT IT WAS LIKE TO HAVE TO WAIT UNTIL CHAPTER LIKE................ 15 FOR THIS SHIT (but like. chapter 15 was different because this chapter used to be like chapter 7? so now everythings moved along so chapter 15 doesnt sound that impressive but trust me it was a different fic back then)

When they fell away, burnt and ruined, she could see Cinder’s bare arms for the first time. The red lines drawn across her skin sloped down the entire length of her arms, circling her elbows, carved into her wrists. They ended right at her hands, ensuring any long-sleeved garment would hide them. Every covered inch of her was filled like a canvas, like abstract art.

lets pause the fight scene for glynda to be gay!!!!! god im. okay look i said this earlier but im so glad we have more cinder like this tbh. the first version was rly lacking w/ cinder content until late-game when the plot sorta. got itself going? but now we’re eye-deep in this content i LOVE cinder i love this WEIRDO who is a HUGE LOSER and IDIOT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! IM LOVE HER SO MUCH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

And Glynda could not dispel the fear that she had been telling the truth.

and after committing Some Amount In Damages, we’re at the end of the chapter!

okay so i really enjoyed this version SO MUCH MORE. everything abt it was polished and worked together so much better and it really needed the space to breathe in its own chapter. its been horny, gay, intense, hilarious, and way more in one chapter and its SO good this really is PEAK offal hunt!!!!!!!!!!!! good job diesel and kc but im still going to murder you both,

[galaxylohnce]

VUD paladin headcanons!!!!

BTW this is based off of @voltronuniversaldefender ‘s reboot!!! CHECK THEM OUT THEYRE DOING GOD’S WORK

also i have read approx 2 headcanons and baRELY understand this AU so if there are similarities to anyone else or inconsistencies iT IS AN ACCIDENT AND IM SORRY

anyway this is just about the 4 confirmed paladins BET ill be doing more about Fa’rah/Takashi/Zahi/Ashanti once i know a bit more about their roles in the team!!

Alvaro Garcia Valladares

he has a twin. i don't make the rules, but he has a twin.

he has a big family. the biggest family. we’re talking, his mom has 8 siblings and his dad has 9 and there’s a 10 year age gap between him and his oldest sibling and he loves them all so much

natia is his best friend. i repeat, NATIA IS HIS BEST FRIEND!!!!

he’s also quite close with kiki. Natia and Kiki are the only two that he met before their great space adventure

he wasn't really sure of his sexuality at first. (i say this because i wasn't sure of my sexuality at first - im bi btw - and all the media i saw told me that any lgbt+ character was 100% sure of their sexuality form the day they were born, which made me doubt myself bc i didn't figure it out till recently, so i wanna see that in some media!! sometime!!) he probably figured it out halfway through having a crush on someone

the someone is akio, and he definitely tells Natia about it first

“natia... natia listen.... I have a crush on akio. freakin akio.... what do i do??? I’m bi, natia... I'm bi. what does this mean -”

“alvaro, I'm so proud of you, but this is a public bathroom and akio is right outside -”

GUARANTEE that the first time he saw Akio he just basically wanted to fight him but also flirt with him and had a slight moral crisis and ended up doing nothing

he is a goddamn sharpshooter, okay. he straight up becomes famous for it throughout the galaxy.

yet despite that he’s still insecure, and those insecurities prevent him from really getting together w akio until much later

he comes off as very suave and extroverted when you first meet him, but underneath it all, he’s actually really warm, personable and funny: not that anyone outside the team know that 

aliens on social media, probably: god, the blue paladin is so cool... i bet he’s amazing and awesome and eloquent...

meanwhile, alvaro: do u guys think i could fit my whole hand in my mouth or nah?

enjoys memes, and shares this love with kiki

basically an all around great guy. because he often felt like a seventh wheel at the beginning of the formation of the team, he always tries to include everybody as best as possible, going way out of his way to ask after people, even if they forget to ask about him sometimes :’)

Natia Nanai

first off: what a gorgeous name. seriously. incredible kudos, my dude. anyway on to the head canons for this gorgeous girl

probably alvaro’s soulmate. already mentioned this, but it needs reiteration. they are best friends

had a large family too (not as big as alvaros tho) and probably major relate to him with that big family dealio

v close with kiki. they complete each other on a technological level. 

natia is very, very creative. she and her sweet engineering know how are always instrumental in getting the Team out of tough situations

Akio: theres no way out of this we’re going to die -

Natia: bet?

she does say “bet” a lot. like, almost too much? but she's always right and valid when she says it

the villain: i’ve got you now!!!!

natia, under her breath: bet

the paladins, thinking: thank god, we’re saved

very soft but also badass as hell. she has a unique duality.

pulls a violet baudelaire: she puts that GORGEOUS hair up in a ponytail when doing work or whenever she has an idea

everyone on the team, regardless of sexuality, is low-key in love with her because she’s just so nice. no one can hate her. she's way too solid of a friend

speakinG of being a great friend: natia is 100% the secret keeper up in this bitch. everyone comes to her because they know she’s got the best advice around and will take their secrets to the grave

akio: idk man... alvaro is just rlly cute, u know?? but i can't tell him...

natia, thinking of alvaro literally whining to her about akio not even five minutes ago: christ

the mom friend. she always has all the things everyone needs on hand or in her lion, and she’s got it all going in terms of chore charts and family meals. she is the queen of figuring out times for team bonding and everyone loves her more for it

definitely started a board game night asap

she has a silent bravery about her that no one else can match. despite her trepidation, natia will always do what has to be done for the greater good. 

she is guided by her heart and her morals, and is easily the kindest person on the team

bc of this kindness, she is often the diplomat when conflicts arise between people on the team

she is seen by the general public (aka the galaxy) as a strong, morally righteous woman. kind of like rosie the riveter-esque??? she’s the symbol of justice and fairness. 

aliens: she's so... peacekeeping :0

natia, at kiki: throw me that wrench, or so help me god - 

basically, a queen who always considers everyone and works really hard to create a family, even when they're all so far from home :’)

Kiki Evans

generally over it tbh

“always tired, but always inspired” - kiki, on being asked why there were dark circles under her eyes

kind of standoffish. she’s not really about being nice, she's about getting the job done, and that can rub people the wrong way, since she is always the first to offer up the cold, logical solution

but underneath that, she’s just a computer science nerd who is loyal to a fault

she really is loyal. its almost dangerous sometimes, because she would put the universe in danger to save her friends, which actually comes into conflict with her typical cold, logical approach.

she has 0-1 sibling. she's every bit the single child. she cannot relate to living in a big family setting, and at first its hard for her to deal with before she warms up to everyone else on the team

she's a genius, and thus found school to be tedious. in fact, she got fairly bad grades, as she wouldn't do the work that she saw as pointless and boring

she is a meme connoisseur, and loves to quote vines, often assisted by alvaro

kiki, as they approach a giant black hole: HZZK

alvaro, catching on immediately: is... is that real???

she is a conspiracy theorist, for sure. the government is watching us all, trying to make sure we don't learn too much.... she’s sure of it, and akio is too

tbh, the first proper conversation she had with akio was about cryptids and how the government had hidden them from the public

she was friends w natia and alvaro from before, but it is akio she becomes closest with the fastest. in some ways, she feels more distant from natia/alvaro bc of how close they are with each other and  bc all of them have known each other for so long while akio is someone she got to know recently: he has no preconceptions about who she used to be, and she has none about him

plus, she and akio relate on many levels: both trans, both gay, both autistic, both theorists, and both loyal to a fault. she finds a real blood brother in akio :D

very openly gay. very. she's a space lesbian, and theres no denying it

kiki, meeting some random space girl: oh

kiki, moments later to akio: god I'm gay

akio, downing a glass of water but acting like its vodka or smthg: god, same

the public sees her as the cold and calculating techie, the brains of the operation

natia is her partner in crime. they finish each others sentences. they've got a tech connection going, babey

kiki: if we just cross-reference the zaiforge tunnel with the -

natia, nodding: particle consummator, of course we’ll get the perfect -

them, together: amount of energy!!!

everyone else: sorry wot

basically, she's a tech goddess with a splash of genius. she's uneasy and a bit awkward, but thats just bc she’s never been in a situation like this before. after literally 1 second with her, she opens up and is such a loyal friend. :’)

Akio Himura

wow this boy is gay and he knows it

he loves his parents (zahi, takashi, and ashanti) but god he will never admit it. not ever

alvaro, after listing his parents, 20 aunts and 100 cousins: and i love them all so much, with all my heart. what about ur family akio?

akio, not wanting to show weakness: they're nerds.

alvaro: um okay cool good talk haha :)

akio, internally: but i love them nd would die for them tbh... but i can't show weakness

he's so guarded after his biological parents left/died/disappeared. poor boy

definitely a single child, and definitely adopted

his parents love him SO MUCH. so much.

akio: why do i have three parents, dad?

takashi, almost crying: its simple. u deserve so much love, that it couldn't be contained in just two people. we needed three. its how its gotta be, my beautiful, sweet summer child

a yeehaw kind of guy. he grew up in the midwest riding horses before his biological parents died and theres a piece of him that will always be a southern boy

the kind of kid in school that pretends he’s a delinquent, but actually just has the aesthetic of a delinquent, and is truly soft

akio: hell yeah I'm a rebel. i logged onto disney.com without my parents permission

kiki, choked up: so brave

mothman is his love. his passion. all cryptids, for that matter. kiki is more of an all around conspiracy theorist: akio is in it for the cryptids 

he’s a bit awkward, and doesn’t totally understand all social cues/jokes. because of this, he stays away from memes, and is very guarded when meeting new people, especially after experiences with light bullying for not only his social ineptitude, but his upbringing.

considering that, his first meeting with alvaro was supremely awkward, and akio accidentally fought with him multiple times before they established a solid friendship

akio, having a gay panic: you are the light of my life

alvaro: sorry what??

akio, panicking more: I said, you wanna fiGHT WITH A KNIFE???

he pined after alvaro from basically day one, but had the foresight to actually know that he was pining, unlike alvaro who just floundered

of course he would never say anything

he is a stabby boi. he is unrivaled in swordplay, and enjoys routine. his natural affinity for picking up new skills plus his unrivaled work ethic basically DESTROYED everyone else when it came to swords

he’s loyal af and is always the first one to take action. akio is a “do something. do anything, but do it fast before we lose a chance to do something” kind of guy

the general public sees him as the fiery one: he’s the one with the fanciest footwork in a fight, and he’s very good with battle tactics. he can come thru with that strategy at the perfect times

he's a low-key emo. for sure. he loves MCR, but strangely dislikes other similar artists like p!atd and fob. 

kiki: but...brendon urie, akio....

akio, sipping tea: as a gay, i can appreciate the aesthetic. but no one can compete with MCR

kiki, exasperated: its not a competition -

basically, a slightly guarded boy with a real talent for defending the universe and his friends, but also an emo cowboy mess who is in love with alvaro and loves everyone :’)

WELL THAT ENDED UP LONGER THAN I EXPECTED. I HOPE U ENJOY AAAA

ALSO FOLLOW @voltronuniversaldefender !!!! its amazing, guys, really check it out :D

[amorremanet]

For the meme: Hunger Games?

my all-time ultimate fave character: Katniss and Finnick. Like, I have a lot of them who I love, but Katniss and Finnick are tied for my number one spot.

a character I didn’t used to like but now do: Mrs. Everdeen took a while to grow on me, but by the end of Mockingjay, she really had.

a character I used to like but now don’t: tbh, it’s not that I used to like Peeta and now don’t, because I never really liked him and I still wouldn’t say that I dislike him, personally

—but there’s a lot about Peeta, especially with regard to his and Katniss’s relationship, that I find troublesome for various reasons (e.g., the way that Katniss, who is definitely canonically dark-skinned and is written against a backdrop that’s blatantly inspired by the racialized dimensions of classism and poverty, is always contextualized as Not Really Deserving the blonde white boy, who is regularly written in terms that are super not subtle about comparing him to Jesus)

To say nothing of how the text itself seems to agree with this idea, and does shit like go, “Wow, Peeta is oppressed by the Capitol too, like damn Katniss how much of a bitch are you, I mean your family and Gale’s only haven’t very literally starved to death because you and Gale know how to hunt, but wow, damn, Peeta had to help make the goat cheese and apple tarts and he wasn’t allowed to eat them because they were too expensive, that’s totally the same thing as people in the Seam literally starving to death”

Like, I’m not saying that Peeta and his family weren’t oppressed by the Capitol, because they were…… but it’s explicitly established in-text that the Capitol manufactures gradations as part of how they try to keep the Districts all fighting each other instead of fighting them, so yes, Peeta and his family did not experience the same thing as Gale, Katniss, and theirs, and part of that difference was how the Mellarks didn’t need to worry about getting enough to eat, they just couldn’t eat the expensive treats

The thing that bugs me the most, though, is the way that Peeta has supposedly been in love with Katniss since they were kids — except……… how? How can you say that he has truly been in love with Katniss when he, by his own goddamn admission, knew basically nothing about her and never even tried to get to know her for real? I’d buy that he was in love with his ludicrous headcanons about Katniss, but that’s not the same as being in love with Katniss Everdeen: Actual Person

And sorry not sorry, Peeta, but it is NOT true that you, “couldn’t talk to her”; you COULD have talked to Katniss and you chose not to talk to Katniss or deal with her at all in any context where you didn’t have the power of life and death over her (whether it was because she was literally dying of starvation, or because she needed you to make her look sympathetic to viewers in the 74th Games, and you needed her to literally and immediately keep you alive)

……Also, his version of how he fell in love with her has way too much in common with Dante Alighieri’s account of how he first fell in love with Beatrice Portinari for me to be truly okay with it, because Dante is one of the Western Literary Canon’s biggest examples of entitled dudebros who objectify women even while they claim to adore them (because over-idealizing someone is a form of dehumanizing them).

This said, I still don’t dislike Peeta. I just don’t think he’s that great, or that he’s as pure and innocent and cinnamon roll-ish as the books and fandom all make him out to be. Even without my misgivings about Ever*lark, ffs, he is one of the sneakiest, most manipulative characters in the series, and his BS sense of entitlement doesn’t only come out with Katniss

a character I’m indifferent about: Presidents Coin and Snow are both well-executed villains, but I don’t have a lot of feelings about them, personally. They were actually helped by the movies, for me, because Donald Sutherland and Julianne Moore were both really good in their roles, and it made me like them a little more, even if it still didn’t make me have feelings about them or anything

a character who deserved better: Most of them, tbh, but my top six are (in no particular order) Johanna, Madge, Rue, Annie, Finnick, and Gale

a ship I’ve never been able to get into: Katniss/Peeta, see above

But also? Gale/Madge. In my experience, the whole thing only exists so people can have some kind of “uptown girl” fantasy and go, “Look, see, I don’t hate Gale!!! Stop saying that I hate Gale!!! Just let me shove him off to the side and completely mischaracterize the shit out of him and pair him up with Madge for no reason beyond getting him out of the way so I can have Katniss/Peeta!!!!”

Also, Madge Undersee is a lesbian. #sorrynotsorry

Even worse: Effie/Haymitch. For one thing, both of them are gay. I don’t know what books everybody else is reading, but in MY copies of the books, Effie and Haymitch are both gay as fuck, why would you pair up a gay man and a lesbian like that unless it’s like, a situation where Effie and Haymitch get married so no one knows that they’re actually married to Portia and Cinna, respectively

But aside from that (because it’s admittedly a matter of my own headcanons even though I refuse to back down from them), I just??? Effie/Haymitch is just so blatantly a bunch of straight nonsense, pairing the two of them up because he’s a man and she’s a woman and therefore any time they exchange more than two words, it’s ~flirting~ even when Effie has HAPPILY AND ENERGETICALLY been a part of the system that treats all the kids Haymitch as mentored as if their lives mean nothing, and she’s been helping shepherd them to their deaths without getting that this is not good until it affects Katniss and Peeta (which only makes Effie get it because she likes them), and as much as Haymitch’s distaste for Effie is understandable, a lot of his lashing out at her isn’t actually coming from a place of, “I object to you for these fair reasons” so much as it’s coming from a place of Haymitch being a troll for the sake of being a troll, and I just

Why

Why is this ship a THING

Why is it so fucking POPULAR

I only understand this phenomenon in the most cynical way possible (i.e., the way where my explanation for it is, “they are so popular because it’s an M/F ship and, in the movies, both of them are white, even though Haymitch has dark skin and black hair, and the same racialized poverty-coded background as Gale and Katniss, in the books”)

Also, both of them are gay, sooooooo……… #sorrynotsorry

a ship I’ve never been able to get over: Katniss/Johanna, Katniss/Madge, Katniss/Finnick, Annie/Finnick

a cute, low-key ship: Annie/Johanna, and in some AU where Rue and Prim both get to grow up, I think they’d be cute together.

Also, Gale/Peeta. I’m just saying, it’s a perfect solution to the issue of the alleged love triangle because it means neither of them ends up without a ship, but Katniss doesn’t have to be with either of them.

an unpopular ship but I still enjoyed it: dude, my only M/F “ship that deserves to be called an OTP” for Katniss is called a crack ship by most of the fandom, even though she and Finnick have better-written relationship development than Katniss/Peeta and even though Finnick consistently respects Katniss Everdeen: Actual Facts Person and not some shiny pretty pretty princess headcanon about her

Sure, he may not want to be her friend, at first, because he assumes, like she does, that friends are not A Thing that’s going to happen, and if he maybe feels like he has been tasked with babysitting her and Peeta during the Quarter Quell, then… that’s not actually inaccurate, because he was kinda tasked with babysitting them by the other rebels.

Like, helping the two of them to survive and getting them out of the arena was the job that Finnick and Mags were given by the other rebels, and he had to be more hands-on about it than, say, Johanna, since Katniss wanted to have an alliance with Mags, which meant she had to have one with Finnick

So, no. The two of them aren’t exactly cozying up to each other in Catching Fire, because both of them are playing certain parts and performing certain versions of themselves based on a lot of assumptions about How The Fuck This Shit Works and a lot of assumptions about their roles and positions in everything (which admittedly end up being less than accurate… because both of them have been manipulated and lied to by everybody who’s pulling the strings)

Anyway, I shouldn’t go on about this too much more because it will make me get defensive and angry, but Finnick and Katniss are my autistic children and they are not a goddamn crack ship and if I had money, I would pay people to stop saying that so I could look at their tags and only see people tagging everything with them as “BROTP,” as opposed to that plus people calling them a crack ship

Also: Finnick/Gale, Cinna/Haymitch, Annie/Katniss

Also, I didn’t really LIKE Gale/Katniss, but it made me feel more things than Katniss/Peeta (even if I have more thoughts on that one, that’s the thing: they’re thoughts, not Feels; the only thing that I ever really feel about Katniss/Peeta is frustrated), and the whole, “Katniss is all but explicitly suicidal and that’s why she wants to mack on Gale” thing from Mockingjay totally does it for a lot of my angsty catharsis interests

a ship that was totally wrong and never should have happened: Effie/Haymitch. I went, “EEEUGH” out loud when they kissed, when I say MJ2 in the theatre, and I didn’t feel bad about it because: 1. all of the people who loved them collectively when, “AWWWWW”; and 2. eww, can you say, “what the fuck is this hetero pandering bullshit”

my favourite storyline/moment: The entire, “I drag myself out of nightmares and find there’s no relief in waking. Better not to give into it” scene, because I’m a human cliché and Katniss and Finnick are my autistic children. Also, any and every Joniss scene, because I’m garbage and a human cliché and I just want them to be together, is that so bad

a storyline that never should have been written: idk about anyone else, but I personally choose to live in a world where the series-long alleged “love triangle” was between Katniss/Madge and Johanna/Katniss, and the Katniss/Peeta stuff was only ever during the Games and not actually for real, and Gale and Peeta can go do each other or something, because fuck forced hetero love triangles, that’s why

Also? I’m willing to accept that Prim’s death was legitimately necessary for the plot and the narrative, in the same way that I hate Sirius Black’s death but accept that it was necessary for the sake of the story that JKR wanted to tell, so I can just go, “I see your point and I don’t begrudge you this in canon, but I am going to headcanon around it anyway because I don’t like it”

—but there was ABSOLUTELY NO REASON to kill Finnick. See, much like JKR’s senseless murders of Remus and Tonks in DH, Finnick’s death did nothing to make a point that hadn’t already been made multiple times over, and it added nothing to the story. Yea, like JKR before her, SCollins only killed Finnick for the sake of cheap shock value and reaffirming certain ideas about heroism that the rest of the series tried to deconstruct

It was pointless, it was senseless, it wasn’t necessary, and the story, characters, and readers all deserved better than that

Finnick Odair is happy and fine and he’s definitely alive, because all that unadulterated bullshit, “lmao finnick dies” crap never happened

my first thoughts on the series: uh. The first time I tried to read the books, I didn’t even get to the games themselves, because SCollins introduced Madge, introduced the backstory of her and Katniss being like kinda friends but kinda not but they’re not sure, and I was like, “ugh, why. I already know you’re going to make me suffer this bullshit between the two boys, but why would you hand me a totally valid and much more interesting F/F option. Why” and on the other hand, because Katniss reminded me too much of myself at a point when I wasn’t ready to deal with that

my thoughts now: We all deserved better, but I say that all the time about the HP series, too, so me feeling like the series was kind of a let down in various places and criticizing different aspects of it? Isn’t going to stop me from enjoying it

Also, Finnick is fine, Madge is fine, Effie and Haymitch are gay, Gale is bi, and most of my favorite characters are autistic because I said so, that’s why (—I mean, I actually have cases based on canon evidence for Finnick and Katniss, but my real rationale here is, “I want them to be autistic, so they are now, okay peace bye”)

[life-in-a-labrynth]

This is going to be kind of ridiculous, and I shouldn't preface all of my journal entries that begin that way. I'm so self-conscious. Sorry about that.

But so I... somehow got onto the topic of noise-canceling headphones. I think I was simply curious about how they work and wanted a deeper understanding. After reading up on sound waves and inverse frequencies, I must have thought of how a colleague of mine wears noise-canceling headphones. I thought it was odd he should wear them around the office. Surely he wasn't just listening to music all the time?

And the wikipedia entry mentioned how some people wear them to hear others better. And I thought that they may be a godsend, because *I* have trouble hearing people. It used to drive my ex Angela crazy. And I'm wondering now, when did this start?

When did I become insecure about asking people to repeat themselves? Or feeling self-conscious that sometimes, I kind of smile and nod, and there's a delay in what people tell me to my understanding them. A few moments later I'll say to them "oh oh oh THAT, yes, of course".

That can't be a technical glitch, can it? It's a disability. I have ADD. It's likely been with me my whole life. I may be on the autism spectrum. It's a troubling and excessively depression thing to grapple with. One I've tried to deny for many years. And am still denying. Please note that denial doesn't necessarily signal whether a thing is true or not, even though it has those connotations.

Spoken like a true person in denial, heh. But it's crushing me, because what does it all come down to? That I feel like an unlovable freak. That I feel inferior to others. Just some big retard, am I right? And oh yes, you know this was amplified by me having my heart broken by Dawn. Fucking cunt.

I'm still in so much pain from it. I hope I can escape it soon. But dealing with this is just bringing everything back up to the forefront. Not sure what to do. What CAN I do, but accept this?

Okay so, I tried calling a hearing clinic. I left a message to book an appointment to get to the bottom of things. One thing, I remember that I got my ears cleaned out a few years ago and it DEFINITELY did improve my hearing. Whether it improved how well I understood people is a different matter entirely. It didn't.

When did I get them cleaned? I can't remember exactly, but it was around the time that I met a girl named Alyssa, because I met her at the clinic where I had it done, and was so bold as to ask her for her number. I did it on impulse. It worked. Go me.

So anyway, this was after Trump was elected and I vowed to take a break from all social media and news. And I remember feeling bummed out because I wanted to hang out with Alyssa, but her and her friend (Mary?) were down at the shore, and were texting me. And for one reason or another I became defensive and suspicious of them, like they were only texting me to tease me, and I felt left out and unloved, and... it's very toxic, in retrospect.

But I remember them texting me while I was reading Lord of the Rings, or some other book I wanted to catch up on in lieu of my usual distractions. Oh right, it was Fellowship of the Ring, probably around the time that Frodo and the gang nearly got eaten by trees that put them to sleep with some kind of sonorous sound.

Sorry for the aside, I think little derails like that are funny. So anyway, I got my ears cleaned around then, and it must have been around late November, early December 2016. I asked out Angela in March 2017. So are we to say that only after 3 months, my ears again became so clogged, that I had trouble hearing her for that reason?

No. It's a cognitive disorder. And I'm holding onto hope that it's unrelated to autism. Though the fact that I DO have diagnosed ADD can't be a coincidence. It must be co-morbid with that.

As an aside, my ears ARE mad clogged again, and I need to get them cleaned out. I blame scuba diving last May. Bla-glock.

Okay, so, now what? I think I only wanted to write this entry because I was getting distressed about god damn Dawn again. If I were to get diagnosed with some kind of autism (unlikely that they would even venture a diagnosis like that, but nevertheless), I would have to keep it as my most guarded secret.

I'm a quirky person, that's out the debate. Cunt even told me, after demeaning me, that I'm just quirky and a big weirdo but she loved me anyway. It's tough to not see her as sinister, but I don't think it so. I've never thought she acted with malice when she criticized me, then felt bad, and tried to make me feel better by saying it didn't matter, because she still loved me.

I shouldn't have listened to her. "Love" was meaningless, because by that point, she already knew we weren't going to work out. And tried to bullshit me (and herself), two months later, by saying "well I mean I DO love you, I just don't think we'll work out". Or she tried to pretend there's a middle ground between romantic love and platonic love. I'm not buying it.

I shouldn't be dwelling on this. It's just making me stressed out and depressed. But what else can I do? I feel like there's more to explore here. I brushed against it above. Where my mind might now be finally ready to accept that Dawn isn't some villain. I mean... I already know that. It's just, it's so much easier for me, emotionally, to paint her that way.

Next step? Realizing that all her criticisms were founded, oh stop! Bullshit, Dan, don't go back there. I'm not re-litigating this. She's a crazy bitch, her judgments of me were fictional, and there's something seriously wrong with her.

Yeah, there were certain times we didn't see eye-to-eye, but the way she busted my balls over it was uncalled for and disproportional. Fuck, man. Thoughts flooding back. That whole "u are teh autistic/adhd/whatever the fuck" conversation was spawned because she just told me that my trip was "comically poorly planned". And criticized me for not listening to her. And making a mountain out of a molehill. And ignoring counter-facts to what she said, i.e. confirmation bias.

Ugh. I feel ill. Okay, let's pull back. I just need to know I'm not some unloveable freak for the way I am. Okay, Dan, why don't you pose that question to other people you've met? No one else thinks that. Do you REALLY think that all the girls you've went on dates with, think that? Do you think Laura thought that way? How about Mary? How about Tinder Travel Girl? How about Jackie? How about Jewish Pizza girl?

Mehhh, you're not wrong, but they didn't get to know me deeply.

Look, if you were some unlovable freak by the way you keep painting yourself out to be, don't you think they would have noticed pretty quickly upon meeting you? Instead of being charmed by you? Laura had a whole week to lose interest, and not look really disappointed when you told her that you didn't want to date her.

Jackie, Jamie, that girl who took you home and had a dog... why did all these girls jump your bones on the first date? You're just such an unlovable freak, Dan! All the true blue sweaty neckbeards living in their basements would kill to have that kind of body count. You think incels are unlovable bastards? They only get that way from telling themselves that, otherwise they'd be perfectly normal people. YOU'RE DOING GREAT.

Do you think Elisabeth thought you were some unlovable freak? (wish I hadn't fucked that up, sigh). Elisabeth was highly intelligent - hell, read her blog! So why do you want to take the opinion of a dumbass like Dawn, whose criticisms will collapse under scrutiny?

Sigh. Okay, you're right. I feel better. I really do need to keep Elisabeth in mind way more. She's highly respectable, intelligent, empathic... just an all around great person. So if she wanted to keep dating you, then what does that tell you? Forget about Dawn, she's an idiot, good for her, NEXT.

Okay, good. I feel better now.

[diedreaming-blog1]

my first post.

I’ve finally started. I’ve been thinking about doing this for a few weeks now and I decided I should get it over with. This is a stream of consciousness kinda thing for the most part. I’ve got some problems and I’m not sure if they’re justified or if I’m just being a bitch, but they’re there nonetheless. I’ve been depressed for fucking ever and used to have really bad OCD and anxiety. Pretty shit childhood I think as well, father is emotionally unavailable and mother is fucking narcissistic or some shit. Even writing this down I feel like I’m just going for pity points here, oh poor me my childhood was so bad. I didn’t die of cancer when I was 10 or something so it clearly could’ve been much worse. Maybe I am being a bitch, maybe not, who knows? I’ve got stuff driving me absolutely insane right now though that much is certain. Maybe if I write about it and get it out in the open it’ll help. So i think I would’ve been depressed and shit even if my parents weren’t idiots. Apparently when I was like 6 I wrote in my journal that the only reason I hadn’t killed myself was because I knew it would hurt my parents too much. I don’t remember writing that or really anything from when I was 6 but apparently it’s true. I think I’m a pretty strong willed person, when I put my mind to something I usually get it done. I remember I was having really bad feelings of “guilt” when I was young, from the OCD I think. I had symptoms of anxiety too I assume but I can’t remember what those were. So I went to the local childrens hospital and was diagnosed with depression, anxiety and OCD. Real shit hand but that’s the way she goes. My mother was diagnosed with the same things at the same time because she recognized so many of my symptoms in herself. I couldn’t even begin to imagine living for 30 years thinking you were just insane, not know what was wrong with you or how to deal with it. I think that would drive anyone crazy, it certainly did her. She always had problems, so did my father. Neither one of them had good childhoods, mother was raised by a father with an un-diagnosed brain tumor and a mother with the same problems as her. My father was put up for adoption because he was born out of wedlock, and was adopted by some very odd people who liked to help kids who had problems. He grew up with foster siblings and the few permanent ones were fucked up with fetal alcohol syndrome and stuff. Basically, I can’t blame them for not knowing how to act properly, or raise a kid well, they never had good examples to learn from. However, that didn’t help me at the time because I didn’t understand all that stuff. My mom was pretty severe in her visible symptoms, she wouldn’t sit on a bus seat or touch an elevator button, weird stuff like that. I can’t think of anything worse and that sounds pretty tame but she was just, off, I guess. My father was almost if not completely emotionally unattached to me, part of that being his upbringing and part of that being his job I think. I can remember him saying I love you and stuff but I also remember from a young age that I felt uncomfortable calling him daddy (I never really called my parents mom or dad, weird I know). It seemed to, informal? he wasn’t a “proper” type of person, didn’t care about elbows on the table and shit, so it wasn’t weird because of that, I think I just didn’t have a proper relationship with him. He definitely tried to do the right things. We used to go out to the workshop and make stuff. We did that a lot, he loves to try weird shit. He’s recently gotten into knife making. Anyways, he definitely tried to “bond” and did all the regular stuff like teach me how to ride a bike. But he was also kinda crazy I guess? I remember two specific incidents when I was less than 10 years old where we would be driving somewhere and get into an argument and he would just start screaming and screaming. Not just regular shouting but with rage, almost aggressive. I don’t remember ever being scared for my safety I don’t think, although maybe I was. I’m pretty sure this happened more than twice because one of the times I remember forcing him to pull over so I could walk home, as we were about 2 blocks away. That’s not the kind of coping mechanism an 8 year old develops on his second try I don’t think. Writing all of this I just noticed I wrote much more about him than about my mom, I’m concerned that I have attachment issues or something with him, maybe seeking his approval. Well, I know that I have issues with his approval. I feel very strongly that I was made to be felt I was never good enough as a child. Not that he ever said that directly, but it felt obvious. I remember one time I came up with the idea of a snowblower, basically thinking we should use a ride on lawnmower to shoot the snow away from the road or whatever. It’s obviously not an original idea, but I remember him immediately saying something along the lines of “nope that’s been done” and then very specifically “all the good ideas have been thought of”. He didn’t say hey good idea or anything first, just shot me down. Many of my ideas were like that. I should talk about my mother, I thought of a good example of how she affected me. I remember that growing up I was never ever allowed to sleep over at other kids houses. I had and still do have one friend I would genuinely describe as a brother, and he was allowed to stay at our house, but never me at his. It wasn’t a genuine safety concern, I grew up in a fairly affluent neighborhood for the time, all of my friends were typical good kids, parents knew each other very well. I think this was her anxiety, but I wasn’t allowed to stay at someone elses house until I was probably 11 or so. That may be normal to other people but in this area with these friends it was weird, and didn’t go unnoticed. I think the biggest thing she did though, which is very hard for me to talk about, is this. When I was in grade 3, she was having a particularly hard time with things I guess, and was binge drinking to cope. She would binge drink in the morning, get super drunk I guess, call the school to tell them I was going home with her friend and their family, and then make herself throw up and sober up so she could come and get me. I was going through basically the same thing, I had panic attacks weekly and was really fucking struggling with my anxiety and OCD, and just wanted to go home to her, but she was doing this. Some days it was so bad that I would go home early, or she would call me in sick. Anyways, the family friend. The mother was normal-ish, kind of hillbilly I think, and the father was notedly weird. The kids were on another fucking level though, two of them ended up being autistic and one of them is just weird I think. So grade 3 me was getting sent to their house maybe once or twice a week, not knowing why and hating it so so fucking much every time. I would cry when I got called down to the office or when she would get me when school was over. I always had a hard time showing emotion in front of people. even then, so I hid most of it. It was insanely difficult to cope with all my problems, plus this, plus the fact that I felt I had to act happy and behave well. I didn’t know why I kept getting sent there either, and thought it was because of me I think. This is the worst thing that’s ever happened to me though I think. One time when I was there, the sister and younger brother were playing in the parents bedroom. I saw and was already freaking the fuck out because they weren’t supposed to be in there and I had this huge problem with guilt and doing the right thing still. The sister is in probably grade 6 or 7 or something, and the brother was a year or two younger than me. Point being, she’s big, he’s small. So they were rough housing and she had this game where she basically molested him. It didn’t seem sexual from either party, but he definitely didn’t like it and cried for her to stop. It took all of the courage I had but I said something like “hey you shouldn’t touch him there” because obviously everyone’s taught that that’s a bad place to be touched. She justified it by saying she wasn’t actually touching anything, just going around it. basically cupping his junk in her hand. He seemed genuinely uh, perturbed? by this. It clearly wasn’t a small thing to him. I didn’t ever mention it to anyone. Not to his parents, or a teacher or my parents or a councilor. I just blocked it out. I completely forgot about it until grade 8 or 9 I think. But I spent the rest of that year seeing him and feeling so fucking guilty that I didn’t have the courage to help him, and knowing that all I had to do was say something. I don’t know why I didn’t, I think i was afraid of people not believing me or being told I was exaggerating. I don’t think it fucked the kid up too much though, apparently hes doing pretty well for an autistic kid. I remembered all of this because for whatever reason it was explained to me what was happening in grade 3, about my mom drinking and whatnot. This was during the summer and I was going to a science summer camp at a university, and so all these fucking emotions got brought back up and guess what happened? I was told I was overplaying everything and was still sent to the fucking camp. Again I had to pretend like nothing bad was happening to me for 6 hours a day. What the fuck is wrong with them that they did this too me twice. I know they didn’t know any better but how the fuck does a child deal with this shit. It wasn’t fair. I felt like my whole fucking world was falling apart, that this was the literal end of life as I knew it, and I was sent to fucking summer camp. Also when I was 10 I was diagnosed as type one diabetic, I forgot to mention that. So that was pretty tough. I learned how to deal with trauma well though. The day I was diagnosed I had been suffering from a high blood sugar and dehydration for so long that I was told I couldn’t wait for and ambulance to take me to the hospital and that my dad had to drive me. Then they spent about 45 minutes trying to give me an IV. I counted 17 different needles, but most of those they dug around in my arm for a bit first, before taking it out and trying somewhere else. I was always good in high stress situations like this so I wasn’t too too freaked out, but I again felt like life as I knew it was over. I mean I guess it was, but I had this insanely strong sense of impending doom, same as when I was told all the shit about grade 3. This seems to be a reoccurring problem and I think it’s related to the fact that I don’t like change, or maybe I don’t like change because of all this shit. Whatever. I had a few really close calls and more recently honestly almost died twice. the last time was the worst I guess. I have this problem of refusing to do my insulin, I always have. It’s so fucking dumb because I know it’s literally killing me and I’m a full grown man but yeah, sometimes I just don’t do it. I think it’s either a self harm thing or me trying to forget that I have diabetes or something. Anyways, the last time I was hospitalized I woke up and felt sick and I would normally in this situation, so I did some insulin and drank a bunch of water and shit but it was just getting worse and worse. It’s hard to describe but it gets so bad that you feel like you literally do not have enough energy in your body to do anything beside lie still. Even breathing was hard. It’s not like being tired but it feels like someone chemically prevented your body from making or using energy. This time was so bad I couldn’t drive myself to the hospital as I previously had, so I asked my mom to call 911. She did and as she was on the phone I really felt like I was dying, so I told her to ask them to hurry. I didn’t want to say more because I didn’t want to freak her out, she was pretty calm as this wasn’t the first time I’d been hospitalized. She got off the phone and told me they were coming from a neighboring city, which concerned me very much. I really didn’t know if I was gonna be able to like, last, until they got there. I did, and they got me to the hospital just fine luckily. I was given an IV with a whole bunch of stuff, insulin and supplements I think. I was still so fucking concerned that I was gonna die, still felt very strongly that I was dying. I wasn’t scared though, it’s weird. I don’t mean that in a “oh I’m so tough I don’t fear death” kinda way, because I do. But I just understood that there wasn’t anything I could do at this point. Either I made it or I didn’t. After my ketones went down and I got whatever supplements in me, the doctor told my mom that I had in fact just about died. I don’t think he said any percentage or bullshit like that but he said I was super fucking lucky, and also an idiot for not doing the insulin, which I knew already. Allrighty, I’ve been writing for like 70 minutes, this was pretty nice actually. I’ll return here tomorrow. 1/3/2018