#[ I wish my brain could make it easier for me to just. be fast. be super fast. never procrastinate and just go write-- ]

[captainseamech]

//love the random urge to reset/delete everything

[nexttothelamp]

Aight I'm ranting more

[seventhemaverick]

Astro Observations 🌱

Disclaimer: This is my first Astrology post! I tried to do this earlier this year but tumblr lagged and it deleted all of my hard work lol. But now I’ve gained the courage to give it another go! I’m not a professional astrologer. I just study it in depth when I have time. Still very much a beginner. Please be kind and if I’m misinformed let me know! If you want to repost my work please credit me. This also has personal opinions in here don’t take it too seriously babes!

🌾 I don’t typically think Leo’s and Scorpios go together romantically BUT any other relationship outside of that exudes power team. For ex: Kylie and Kris Jenner. Scorpios are known to love power and Leo’s love the spotlight! Kylie was bound to be a favorite after her « ugly duckling » phase. Kylie rolls in the dough and Kris keeps that empire going. I’ve seen many Scorpio parents with Leo kids and they really seem to love them the most lol

Let’s talk about underdeveloped placements real quick!

🌿 Having a parent that is toxic or underdeveloped and has placements that fall into your second house can obliterate your self worth. ESPECIALLY if you have planets in that house and their placements are exactly conjunct 0° or 1-3°.

🌾 If your mars sign is exactly square one of your parents mars or 1-5° orb… 🌚 take the steps to move out if you haven’t already it’s for the best.

🌿 Capricorn moons I wish I could hug all of you. You had to grow up so fast and got handed some of the worst cards. But nevertheless resilience is your middle name. As you age things will get easier if you stand on business! Integrity is key.

🌾 I know libras are known to be superficial or whatever and I’m kinda one of them lol. I literally live off of aesthetics and I typically have nice skin but when I have a massive break out? I literally want to hide until they’re gone. My stress is next level when I don’t look my best.. I’m also a Leo Venus 😅 in the tenth house at that and have cancelled plans when I look and feel shitty.

🌿 All of the air signs almost always value intellectual stimulation first from their partner. Someone they can have great rapport, banter with. Someone that’s witty and knows a wide variety of subjects or has many interests is very hot. Sagittarius is the air sign of the fire signs so I’ll loop them in on this too.

If we lost any zodiac element, it would bring chaos to the entire world.

🌾 Air brings logic and reasoning, water brings compassion and empathy, earth brings grounding and patience, fire brings passion and vitality. Life is about interconnectedness.

🌿 I remember reading a blog that the gods put the constellation of Libra in between Virgo and Scorpio because they were too much alike and it’s so true lol. Both signs can be so compulsive and it’s overwhelming from what I’ve heard from Virgo and Scorpio placements. I can also see this easy going equivalence being the case for Sagittarius being in between Scorpio and Capricorn. The benefics happy go luckies in between the malefics drained and over it.

🌾… moon 3rd house overlay is addictive especially combined with 7th/8th/12th overlays in that synastry. I don’t think I can ever do that again unless we both have it overlaying each others charts. Someone’s moon in your 3rd house, their mind fascinates you and it’s easy to communicate with them you feel seen and heard. You dream about them, you think about them all the freaking time. It is the most annoying thing because why are you taking up my brain space like that bro? I had this with someone and I still think about them it’s been over for quite some time now. Another person that’s in love with me, my moon falls into their 3rd house and they tell me how much they think about me and day dream about me. I had said issue of daydreaming with the other guy. 2/10 would not recommend unless moon person is developed.

🌿 When the moon transits your first house you’re more likely to be more emotional and make drastic changes to your physical features! When Doja Cat shaved her head the moon was transiting her first house and I literally did mine the next day when it was transiting my first house.

🌾 Opinion but I love Pisces placements they are so helpful and loving when developed. I think the underdeveloped ones are too but they expect something out of it where the developed ones are just really selfless. I’m a Pisces Stan! I have so many in my life lol I have no Pisces placements. My 5H is in Pisces lol

🌿 Degree theory is that gworl. It helps you relate to the planet and it’s placement more depending on what the degree rules. For example I was dating a Sagittarius Venus in the 9th house at the 9° and he embodied that free spirited nature of Sag Venus fr. Another example, you can be a Pisces Venus but it’s in your first house at the first degree and the way you love embodies a more aries way of loving. Fiery, passionate a bit aggressive but very deep and tender to the core.

🌾 I’ve also heard the theory of when you reach the age of certain degrees of the placements you have you unlock that placements characteristics. Something significant happens to you during that age or you might master that placement regarding the planet and house placement.

🌿 The degree of your rising sign is more than likely the age of something significant happen in your physical life/to you physically. This is tea y’all.

🌾 You most likely share placements or degrees in your chart with your siblings. My sister is a Scorpio sun, Aries rising, Virgo moon and I’m a Libra sun, Scorpio rising, Aries moon. If I was born two days earlier I would’ve been a Virgo sun and if she was born one or two days later she would’ve been a Libra moon. So I think thats pretty cool. We’re also both Venus dominant and she has a Libra stellium 💗. You really choose your family for your next life lol like that’s so crazy to me.

🌿 Ima say dis with my chest. STOP doing wrong by Saturn ruled placements!!! Saturn is ruled by Capricorn, Aquarius in traditional astrology and we cannot forget about its exalted sign in Libra. As a Libra, I receive karma with the quickness but also people that have done wrong by me their quality of life decreases and or whichever house Saturn is in their chart is deeply affected in the worst ways.. daddy Saturn don’t play bout his! Be fair and follow the golden rule. “Do unto others as you would have them do unto you.”

🌾 Having heavy Sagittarius placements in your chart makes you open to learn different languages or different cultures.. just always wanting to learn. Whatever house it’s in you want to master in life.

🌿 The mutables Gemini Virgo Sagittarius Pisces love their niches, they are the teachers and preachers of the zodiac.

🌾 Geminis have the gift of gab more than any other zodiac. Sagittarius could possibly go toe to toe with them

🌿 If anyone ever tries to degrade you for studying astrology and eggs you on to prove this practice to be true, get their birth info and read them their Chiron sign and house placement. Hit ‘em where it hurts!

🌾 Scorpio and Libra placements are usually the generational trauma breakers of their family. Honorable mention- Saturns children, Capricorn and Aquarius

🌿 An undeveloped Capricorn placement that enters your life is literally satan reincarnated to torture you for whatever you did wrong in your past life. And I (if u were raised around Christianity) believe Jesus was a Pisces/Aries! I can argue about this all day! In tarot Capricorn rules the devil! Like hellooooo

🌾 Sixth house/Virgo placements are pretty good at taking care of pets and plants. They feel the most sane around nature and animals.

🌿 Personal planets harmoniously aspected to Neptune make the person seem very angelic like. Very soft souls, earth angels. Hard aspects have people having an even more distorted projection of you.

🌾 Personal planets harmoniously aspected or not to Uranus gives you that shock factor some people will be repelled and some people will be very intrigued.

🌿 Aries placements especially sun and moon are really loyal! I’m talking mostly platonically. Once they see you as their person they are truly ride or die.

🌾 Cancer placements can be one of the most loving and giving when developed. Some spiteful mfs when underdeveloped omg.

🌿 I realize cancer placement women get treated with the cutest romantic gestures. I think they lovers want to do these things for them because they give off ethereal or princess vibes but they’re also real nasty in the sheets lol

🌾 Cancers don’t really get a bad rep even when they do shady things. For example: Selena Gomez when she dated Abel even tho she was cool with Bella was super weird. And I think a lot of people forgot how Kevin hart cheated on his wife like it was nothing lol. Ariana grande with the donuts and now the Ethan thing chileee. It’s like they get a second of backlash and then everyone adores them again lol.

🌿 Having a grand trine in your chart can make you so damn lazy in the houses those planets/figures are in 🥹🥲. It’s crazy cuz that talent(s) will come natural to you and you’ll over look it! Please don’t.

🌾 Grand squares are TOUGH but it pushes you to break cycles and overcome so much in your life. Same with t-squares

🌱 Astrology is really a map. It shows you which path you can take and where you can end up when you include discernment and discipline into your daily life. It’s never an excuse to behave the way you do. Ultimately it helps us reach our most aligned and enlighten self! I hope you all enjoyed. 🌱

Idk why I can’t figure out how to delete this question thing so let’s do a cute lil questionnaire!

[shkudss]

Weakened by Eywa Pt. 1

Part 1 | Part 2 | Part 3 | Part 4 | Part 5 | Part 6

Masterlist

Summary: Ao’nung finally realizes that his actions have consequences

Warnings: curse words, bullying, mental breakdown, English isn’t my first language

Author’s note: it my first Avatar writing, so I hope you like it! This idea was spontaneous and I’m not really good at writing, but I hope you’ll enjoy it! I’m still learning how to use Tumblr properly since I don’t really use it 🥲

Yawntutsyip - darling, little loved one

Yaymak - foolish, ignorant

You thought that all these days when you flew to the water clans were the hardest in you life. Little did you know that life with Metkayina would be harder. You expected to finally live a normal life, doing your chores without being sacred to be shot by sky people. Now you’re safe, but things didn’t get better.

Since your arrival, these boys were bullying all your siblings, including you. You have no idea why it is important for Ao’nung to see totally similar to him Na’vis. You all are same avatars with slight differences that were unavoidable due to the environment you’re supposed to live in. Oh, yeah… supposed to live.

“What are you even doing here?”

“You’re so useless to our tribe”

“Go back to your monkey house”

All these words almost engraved in you mind without leaving space for other thoughts and hope. It’s been two weeks since you arrived and you still haven’t ridden an Ilu successfully, you can’t hold your breath as Metkayinas do. This makes you feel horrible and believe all these mean words.

“C’mon, Y/N, you can do it!”

Neteyam is trying to teach you how to deal with ilu and his voice is so calming, he really believes in you as an older brother. You wish you could just believe him, but insecurity lays too deep and securely in your mind.

“I don’t know… I can’t…”

Your voice was really soft and quiet as you’re the calmest child in your family. You don’t like loud sounds and fast actions. That’s just the way you are. Neytiri says that Sylwanin was just like you.

Despite being slower and more sensitive that other Sullys they loved and protected you with all their heart. Jake knew that Kiri and Tuk are different, they can deal with their problems a lot easier, while you cannot. When something bad to your family or yourself happens, you worry a lot and you won’t tell anyone about your worries unless they make you to. That was the hardest part of you character.

“Hey, are you okay? Do you need to take a break? We can continue tomorrow, don’t worry yawntutsyip.”

Neteyam was worried about your mental state, you were too quiet these days and it never meant anything good. Trying to make you speak about your feelings was completely impossible. You always think that your family has too much to worry about to burden them with your own issues. You want to be like Kiri and Tuk. That’s hilarious, Tuk is way younger than you but she’s able to deal with her emotions way easier than you.

“I’m good. Can we just take a break for like half an hour? I think my brain melts.”

You awkwardly smiled at the end trying to lighten the mood. Neteyam smiled back, feeling relief as you seemed to be just tired. He didn’t want you to hide anything from him and your family.

“Okay, yawntutsyip. I’ll go find Lo’ak and make sure his ass hadn’t get in trouble again. Kiri is on that side of the beach by the way. You can join her, she’s probably flirting with plants again. Let’s meet here in an hour.”

You laughed at his little joke about Kiri. But that’s a fact. Since you arrived here all she’s been doing is examining all local flora and fauna. You missed your time together in the forest, maybe now you’ll have a chance to talk and just be together.

“Okay!”

“Tell me if something goes wrong.”

You knew this look. The big brother look. Sometimes you think how hard it would be for you to live without your family, the way you’re connected to them something really fascinating. And one of your love signs is time. Spending time with your family and each member is the way you show love, the way you feel protected and loved.

You see Kiri laying down in water and looking for something. She didn’t see anyone around, attracted by… water? You didn’t try to understand what’s going on in her mind.

“Hey, pandora geek.”

You stood in front of Kiri and the shadow from your body covered her. Only after that she raised her head and squinted at you.

“I thought you’re with Neteyam. What’s wrong?” She sat on the sand, water was covering her legs a little. You did the same thing, hugging your knees and placing your head on them.

“We took a break, my brain doesn’t work properly. I still can’t ride ilu.”

Hopeless sigh made your sister chuckle, but then she saw your eyes. They were full of sadness, you were not happy. Kiri felt guilt, as your sister she had to be with you, she forgot that Sullys stick together.

“What bothers you?” You were not sure if it’ll be okay to tell her everything. But you family always encourage you to speak what lays in your heart, so you decided to do it.

“There’s a lot… I miss home, I miss flying with you, Neteyam and Lo’ak around Hallelujah mountains.” You were vulnerable now and this is one of those rare moments when you opened your feelings easily. Kiri was the only one you did it with. You could feel tears coming to your eyes, you needed this. “I just miss our way of life. I don’t know why it’s so hard for me to get used to it. Especially, when you always hear…”

“Hey monkeys! Still can’t ride ilu? How can you be so yaymak? You’re both freaks!” you could recognize this voice in millions. “One sister has demon blood, another is too dumb to do things that even infants can do!”

Ao’nung and his friends were coming towards you. Kiri’s body immediately tensed, you could feel it.

“What do you want? Is there nothing to do?”

Ao’nung and his friends came closer and you both stood up. Kiri was looking at him angrily, ready to fight. You were supposed to have such a good conversation, opening each other your soul, but this bully spoiled everything.

“My goal for now is to get rid of such fake Na’vis like you two and your stupid little brother.”

You were furious, how dare he talk like this about your family. Yes, he did say mean things to you, but he still picked his words. Now it’s too much. Nobody can talk about your family this way.

“Shut up and don’t get close to me and my siblings!” You tried to get into protective sister mode. Kiri was shocked by the way you raised your voice. She’s never heard such tone from you before.

“Look at this! Little girl knows how to talk?” Ao’nung was teasing you and laughing with Roxto and the rest of his friends. “Maybe you’ll learn how to swim properly soon by the time my future brother or sister will turn 10. Hopefully.”

You clenched your fists, trying to hold all your emotions. Anger, offense, sadness. It felt like a hurricane of extremely high spectrum of emotions, which was hard for you to bear.

“Don’t you dare…”

You didn’t control yourself that you were coming closer and pushing him. The reason why you felt this way was in him.

He did this to you.

You didn’t care that he was taller than you and all you faced was his shoulders. You didn’t care that he barely moved as you tried to hurt him as much as he hurt you. All he did was laughing. It seemed like Ao’nung didn’t understand anything you said, like he didn’t see you breaking into pieces right in front of you.

“Calm down, you little skxawng!” It was a joke for him. For you it was your last piece of composure.

“You’re dumb! So dumb that you can’t even understand how much pain you give me! Every day I wish I don’t meet you so you won’t shower me with all your shit! Every night I cry myself to sleep because all your mean words you’ve said hurt me! And you don’t understand me, how can you be so mean?”

You were screaming at him and trying to hit, mental breakdown took over your senses. You could physically feel how your heart hurts and legs weaken. All sounds were heard as if from under the water, you didn’t see what’s going on around you. Someone’s holding your shoulders and pushing you to their chest to not let you fall on your knees.

“Don’t touch her!”

Furious voice sounded from afar. Neteyam. Your brother who always protects you, surrounds you with love you need. That’s why he calls you yawntutsyip. Little loved one.

You could feel your brother as he came closer to you. His steps were as heavy as his mood. When he saw you breaking down in front of this asshole and because of this asshole, he almost lost his temper. The way chief’s son was holding and looking at you, finally realizing that his actions have consequences. He had to drive you crazy to understand it.

“Back off! Now!”

He pushed Ao’nung as he got closer to him, taking off his hands off you. You didn’t realize it was him, who held you all this time. Was it long? Actually, everything happened in less than 2 minutes, but for you it was like an infinity.

“What happened?”

Lo’ak was here, he saw you crying in Kiri’s hands and Neteyam fighting with Ao’nung and his friends. He didn’t need to check on all details to punch Roxto and other guys.

“It’s fine, we’re here. Don’t worry.” Kiri was sitting with you and slowly swaying, while tapping your head to calm you down.

“I’m sorry, I…” that’s all you could say.

Neither you nor Kiri noticed how the fight stopped until Neteyam came closer and examined you. His eyebrow was cut so as his lower lip, but he didn’t care. Now he could feel only your pain.

“Yawntutsyip… my sister.”

“I’m sorry, Neteyam. I didn’t…” You were gasping for breath from crying, not being able to collect your thoughts.

“Shhh, that’s fine, you’re fine. We’re here, nobody will hurt you again.” Kiri gave you to Neteyam, he was calming you down repeating the same moves as Kiri did. You were crying, letting all pain, that was suppressed inside of your soul, to flow through you.

Your siblings knew that you need to feel it to let it go. That is the only way for relief.

“Let’s go home, yawntutsyip?” Neteyam’s voice was calming as always, he hated seeing you crying.

You just nodded in agreement, hiding your face in brother’s neck and holding him as if someone can take you from him in any moment.

Yes, most Na’vis are brave, ready to fight and protect their beloved ones. But you just can’t do it. You are the one who needs to be protected. Eywa created you that way and you can do nothing about it.

“Don’t ever come to our sisters, you little bitch! Are you so insecure that you’re afraid to battle with me and choose those who are weaker than you?” Lo’ak didn’t miss to say the last goodbye before following after all of you. He didn’t wait for the answer, he didn’t need it.

Ao’nung was standing up there and looking as your figures disappear. No words are in his mind, except for one.

“Fuck”

————————————————————————

I hope you liked it! I’m not sure if I’ll write the second part🫣 I have an idea but idk if it’s worth it, we’ll see!

[thewritetofreespeech]

Could I request NSFW with Hades from RoR doing the deed with his fem s/o in private and trying to not get caught by the servants?

“Ah~!”

Hades chuckled in your ear as he continued to thrust slowly into you. “You have to be quiet my love.” He sinfully whispered in your ear, causing a deep moan.

The evening had been completely normal. Typical fanfare, dinner, etcetera, before Hades retired to his office for the evening to finish up some paperwork while you read in the parlor. Once it had gotten late you made way for the bedroom to retire, certain that Hades would join you shortly.

On the way, however, you were suddenly snatched up and pulled into a small secret passage down the hall. Your instincts to scream if not the hand on your mouth.

“Sssh!” Hades whispered. “You don’t want the servants to hear.”

“Hades.” You hiss once he had removed his hand from your mouth. “What are you doing?”

“I couldn’t wait to have you.”

His hands moved down your body towards your hips and back. Caressing you with a clear intent of what he was planning.

“Couldn’t we just go to our bedroom?” You ask. Feeling your face heat at his touches. Remembering, still, that you were very much technically in the middle of a hallway in the castle.

Hades just grinned as he leaned down to kiss you. “What’s the fun in that?”

His lips were soft but strong. Kissing you passionately in a way that would make your legs weak, if not for being pinned against a wall. Your hands had just reached for his hair during your kissing when you heard the hurried steps of a servant rush by. “Hades! We have to stop this. Someone might—” Your protest was cut off by a moan when his hand slipped under your dress skirt and began to touch you.

“That’s the fun of it.” He insisted. “The thrill of being caught. The thrill of being seen. In any case, they’re my servants. If I wished it I could call them all here to watch as I fondle you.”

“No don’t do that!”

The god smirked. “Really? Your wet as October now that I mentioned it.” To prove his point Hades slipped two fingers inside of you with ease. His thumb brushing your clit for good measure to make sure it didn’t hurt.

You whimper at his insistent pressure. Helpless against him and this pleasure. Together for a while he knew exactly how to touch you to make you cum, or wait, or start beginning. Luckily for you it was the first one.

Cumming quickly after his fingers were inside you, your body shuttered against the god who held you close. His lips brushed against your temple before he pulled his fingers out and asked you, “could you turn around for me love?” Your orgasm idled brain didn’t seem to process, so he explained further. “It will be easier in the narrow space.”

You don’t really understand the physics, but you are too in love, too enamored, and too eager to have Hades inside you to care how it all worked out. You simply turn around and place your hands against the wall for him. “Perfection.”

There was some rustling behind you, then your skirts came up. You bite your bottom lip in anticipation. Your face hot with embarrassment, but every other part of you hot with want. His body came close behind you and he told your quietly, “try to be quiet my love.” An ask easier said than done as he slid his hard cock into you.

You can almost taste blood with how hard you were holding your lip between your teeth as he thrust into you. Not really thrust but rocked. The pace is slow and deep. Seeming to be careful not to hit your head on the stone wall in front of you. “Hades,” you whisper back in a plea, “please….”

“They’ll hear the smacking.”

A soft whimper escaped you as you remembered you were in the middle of the castle doing this, and that Hades couldn’t fuck you hard & fast like you wanted here. “Does that make you excited my love?”

“N…No….” You stammer out. One trying to collect your thoughts to speak at all, and two to speak through the jarring of your body as he suddenly thrust harder. “I’m not like that.”

“And yet here you are?” Hades reasoned. His hands gripping your hips tighter as he whispered filthy words to you. “Getting mounted in a hallway with your skirts pulled up like a common whore.”

“I-I’m not!” Another moan escaped you as a hand slipped up to touch your breast. Gods if only you could stop moaning to sound credible. “I..I’m doing this…for you.”

“For me? Perhaps. But lets not pretend you’re not enjoying this my love.”

A sharp, and loud, noise came out before you could stop it as Hades’s hand on your breast slipped up towards your neck and pulled you forward. Hands off the wall and almost upright on his cock as he held you in place. “You’re so wet. I bet I could drown if I ate your pussy right now. Don’t tell me you’re not excited about this too. The thrill of getting caught. The thrill of being seen.”

“Y-Yes!” You admit this time when he said it again. Bouncing as best you could on his cock in an effort to cum. “I love it! I love you! I’m so hot Hades, please, please, make me cum!”

His other hand on your hip slipped past your skirts to play with your clit, and it only took a matter of seconds before you came. Mouth open in a breathless scream. Your arms scratching and flailing for purchase against this tide wave of pleasure.

The god let out a low grunt in your ear as he came as well. His cock twitching inside of you. Hades then dislodge the two of you from your position, careful to make sure you could still stand. “Shall we retire to bed my love?” He asked, once you both had sufficiently straightened.

“Yes.” You agreed breathlessly.

The two of you walked out of the passageway and into the hallway. No one, as far as you knew, wiser of what had just occurred.

[iwritenarrativesandstuff]

When discussing or analyzing Dazai, one thing I hope you will keep in mind when reading anything I write about him is that from my perspective, he is always, always both.

What do I mean by this? Well, I find there tends to be a general split among people who hold the opinion that "he's a manipulator and will always be manipulative" and "he's doing his best to be good and helpful and live up to Oda's last wishes for him", of which, neither is completely right - because he is both. But even among the people who hold to this dual-nature interpretation, I find that his individual actions and motivations still tend to be thought of in a dichotomous manner - is it manipulative, or genuine?

Again, I think it's always both.

Dazai has a very pragmatic view on a lot of things - he is always looking for the usefulness of things and people so that the situation turns out in his favour. He's incredibly adept at this, and his prediction and placement and careful reveals are all manipulation tactics to get his allies and enemies doing exactly what he needs them to. I don't think anyone can contest this since we see it over and over in the series.

But that's not all there is to it. He's not solely manipulative and he does, to some extent, sympathize with others - I think there are several instances of this in the series, but I want to stress that this has been apparent since Chapter 1!

For context, Dazai is recalling what Atsushi said to him a few minutes earlier, but it's very interesting that it should be this specific part of the conversation. He could've flashed back to the part where Atsushi said he had nowhere to go; no money, no food - he is about to trick him into joining, after all, and this is the key piece he uses to basically force Atsushi into the Agency. But instead it's Atsushi's self-deprecation that catches his attention, and it really does, because even during the conversation, he turns to look at him after he says this with an odd expression.

You could say that this makes Atsushi easier to manipulate, if that's your angle, but that can't be solely it, because in the later conversation with Hirotsu, we know Dazai was planning to bring Atsushi into the Agency and set him up as one half of the new Double Black the moment he met him. The panel shown there is the riverbank, set much earlier in the day than this scene. He was already planning to pair him with Akutagawa since he figured out he was the tiger, so what's with this reaction?

Well. Sometimes the simplest explanation is the best.

He manipulated Atsushi into joining with the intention of utilizing him in his future plans. He also helped him and gave him a place to belong, and importantly, he likes this kid! It's both.

I think much of it might be that his brain just kinda works way too fast - he's such a natural at crafting these elaborate plots and seeing how things connect and gathering useful people like resources that it's practically automatic - though this is not a great means when you're trying to be a kinder person. There's an omake, I believe, that has him saying "I like using my head for justice", i.e. using these underhanded means to act for the better. Not great, but those are the kind of gifts he has. He's way more suited to exploitation, but is choosing to use these tactics to save people now, which is quite reminiscent of what he tells Kyouka. Kyouka's talents lie in killing people - when what you're good at isn't who you want to be, what do you do? Well, I expect you use what you have, even if it's not ideal.

Now, about the current situation with Sigma - I think he definitely likes him, and is intrigued by him and his situation. We did get a little thought bubble where the guy amusedly compares him to Atsushi, and you can't tell me he doesn't care about Atsushi (listen to the onsen drama cd, or read 55 Minutes if you somehow don't believe me). But also, it's undeniable that Sigma is in a very vulnerable position of being homeless and having had no one be genuinely kind to him before. His trust is very easy to earn, and with the latest chapter, Dazai has now saved his life multiple times. There is, as always, a practical purpose he needs him for. And I have to be somewhat amused because Dazai is quite literally telling Sigma everything he ever wanted and needed to hear. It's a brilliant means of quickly endearing himself to Sigma - but I don't think that's all it is.

Look. The most honest moments we get in this series from Dazai are, interestingly for an expert manipulator, when people are at their most vulnerable. In spite of every pointlessly cruel act he inflicted on Akutagawa, his first meeting with him was open and transparent; much like the orphanage director, it seems he thought this treatment would make him strong and adaptable (he's wrong but that's not the point of this). He cuts Kyouka off in irritation and says "don't give me that" when she implies that she would fail the entrance exam. He tells Atsushi it's normal to cry after losing a father figure and to feel however you feel, even if that person caused you nothing but incredible pain and cannot be forgiven. He refuses to entertain Sigma's assumptions that Dazai sees himself as a superior being to him.

Selective honesty can also be utilized to great effect; Mori does this, and undoubtedly it serves this purpose for Dazai too. But I want to stress that I do sincerely believe this is all still honesty from him. Manipulation, or genuine?

Both. It's both.

[cyberchronics]

.・。.・゜✭・.・✫..・。.・゜✭・.・✫・゜・。.

it'd be my pleasure <3

★ sub itto, pegging (ofc), soft dom reader, dumification, gentle to rough sex ★

✩∘₊ ✩*✯☆⃟⃟⃟✯*✩₊∘✩

the first time with itto would take a bit of convincing. it's not that he doesn't want to, the idea just makes him so nervous.

after he reluctantly tries it, he's hooked. there's no better feeling than when you dominate him, allowing him to let go while you take control. he loves it when you pin him down and fuck him gently as if he's fragile, making his brain fuzzy with praise.

you treat him so sweetly, and it makes him want to melt in your arms.

..but sometimes, at the end of having sex, he doesn't quite feel fully satisfied. there's a voice at the back of his head whispering to him, wishing you'd be the tiniest bit rougher. he couldn't tell you that after you were nice enough to treat him to such pleasure night after night... could he?

∘₊ ✧───────────────────✧₊∘

Itto rests with his chest pressed against his mattress, knees propping his lower half up while his head lays on a pillow. you'd spent all night getting him ready, absolutely pampering him with kisses while you finger his ass. In the short amount of time since you two have started this, he's become almost frighteningly used to this routine.

It's not long until he's turning into a mess, face buried into the sheets as he melts into the slow rocking of your hips. He's enjoying himself as always until that nagging voice sounds out in his mind. And when he's without his inhibitions, laid out and vulnerable, listening to it just feels easier. " h-harder..."

There's a stutter in the thrusts that were once steadily pumping into him then a pause, the weight of your chest pressing against his back being a welcome new sensation. "What'd you say, sweetheart?" Your breath tickles his ear, almost making him feel bad for letting the word slip out. A fresh coat of blush paints Itto's face as he picks up his head and looks towards you.

"It'd be nice if... you went a little harder, y'know...?" He mumbles, slow and quiet as his embarrassment suddenly kicks in. "..only if you want to, babe." His worries are dismissed as warm lips press against his own, hands wrapping around his hips as you pull away.

The oni gets what he wants almost immediately, hips smacking his ass as you start to test a new pace, strokes deep and fast, and satisfying a primal part of his desire. His appreciation is expressed with a deep groan, eyes rolling back as he acclimates to the new pace.

Itto cums almost immediately, finally feeling fully pleased again as hot white ropes splatter against his abs and make a mess on the bed. White hair falls into his eyes as he slumps, completely spent as he lays still and feels the strap slide out of him with a slick pop.

His brain is hazy as he's wiped down and cleaned up, only coming back to reality when warm arms attempt to spoon him succeed in wrapping halfway around his waist while lips kiss his shoulder gently. "Was it good?" Itto only chuckles, turning over and coming face to face with you.

"That's an understatement... You're good as hell at this, babe."

.・。.・゜✭・.・✫..・。.・゜✭・.・✫・゜・。.

a/n: reupload bc my dumb ass forgot to put tags for 12 hrs 😭😭 anyways i love recs they motivate me sm

[perplexingluciddreams]

i get sad about how i barely use AAC device.

partly because not many opportunities. partly because just struggle remember that it exists and is an option. partly because even when i remember and want to use it, i often just can't.

interaction with a real person is whole different thing to writing for a post on tumblr like this. i can take long times (sometimes weeks or months or longer for the Big Posts) on my own, writing my thoughts into words. and editing and re-reading over and over and changing and making better. even smaller "fast" posts like this one that doesn't take months to complete, still takes a lot of fixing before (i think) it makes any enough sense. took years to learn to do this. and i am so very glad for it.

but real person face-to-face in real time is so different, so much harder. my whole life have really struggled with that. and it has never gotten any better or easier.

can't really explain why it is different or how it makes my brain react. just it is different.

but i really like my AAC device and i work hard on edit it whenever i remember it exists. i am proud of it. and i think it is so cool! wish i could use it more.

there is a whole bunch of other reasons why it is hard too. for example, physical reasons: it is heavy and quite big and bulky, hard to lift or hold myself. and that makes it much harder to use, especially with lack of proper seating right now. and not have a stand or mount for it. and arms and hands get tired from reaching out to touch the screen over and over for a long time.

and there is more but i can't explain it.

i just wish everything wasn't so hard. even the things that is supposed to help me and make things possible is STILL hard.

[lukaslosteyelashes]

My Review of the Miraculous London Special, Part 1

I've watched the London special and I really wanted to write out my thought on it sooner but I got so caught up in reading and reblogging others’s posts that my thoughts got jumbled up.

Anyway, I really wanted to reflect on my theories that I wrote before the release of the episode and share my further speculations, thoughts and questions.

What this part contains:

The opening scene - I'm pondering some of my previous thoughts about Lila and how she utilizes the power of the Butterfly Miraculous.

The wish - A theory about what wish could have wiped out their future.

Let’s get to it!

Spoilers ahead ->

The opening scene

was quite impactful. We see a miserable Nooroo at Lila’s lair in an invisible force field or something of that sort, which is very interesting. I wonder how Lila was able to make it, maybe every Miraculous holder has that power over their Kwaims.

Then Timestalker appears and it reveals that it’s Lila herself which made me question some things about her.

Not gonna lie, I always thought that Lila could remember every instance she was akumatized, maybe except for the first one. So the fact that she needed the notebook to write everything down as a Timestalker so that she could get the information after she breaks from the Akuma’s effect, surprised me. That’s why the theories about Timestalker being a different person, precisely either Adrien or future Lila, were born in the first place. Also Gabriel, Nathalie and everyone who was able to break from the akumatization remembered what happened (if I remember correctly) so it's baffling why she can't. I want to think that she actually upgraded her Akumas, that it's different from the Akumas Gabriel were using and it's also different from the Mega Akumas. Someone pointed out that she wears the brooch upside down, different from how Gabriel wore it which might have some effect on the powers.

To be honest, I didn't understand Timestalker’s ability at first so I needed to rack my brain a little bit 😅, But after I understood it one thing become clearer: which is, how was Lila able to get the Butterfly Miraculous in her Edna disguise and find out Ladybug’s identity as Timestalker at the same time.

These two moments take place very close in time. But it still doesn't answer the question of how Lila knew that the Butterfly Miraculous will be lost in the rubble. Did she just guess or was she there for something else and found it by chance?

Anyway, my future Lila theory (that I briefly touched at the end of this post) wasn’t that far fetched, but instead of a couple years older Lila we got a couple hours older one and instead of having two of them from a completely different timeline, it’s the same Lila being both villains. Also the boxes had a different purpose than I originally thought.

So, after she de-akumatized herself, she read the notes then quickly akumatized herself again, using her bag this time and became Spectral Looter then disappeared to pay a heartwarming visit to Marinette to steal the Miraculouses. Then she made a wish?

The wish

I expected we would find out what she wished for and what she sacrificed for it, if she even sacrificed anything, but we didn’t. It kinda makes sense, we can’t discover Lilamoth's objective too soon.

At first I thought her wish might be Ladybug to never exist and I will continue to believe that until it is proven otherwise but with a little bit of a modification: she wished for either Marinette or Ladybug or both to not exist. Lila hates both of them with a burning passion and after she found out that the two of them are the same person, it kind of made things easier for her, it's enough to deal with one of them to get rid of both of them.

Like I said, we don't know what she's after so her wish could be literally anything but whatever was it, it was powerful enough to wipe out the future where Alix Kubdel is bunnyx completely and quite fast.

part 2 | part 3 | part 4

[nalyra-dreaming]

I've read the posts about Armand's experiment on Claudia, and it has been around 20 years since I read the book, so I have a few questions.

I've read comments that Armand conducted the experiment just because he didn't care about her/wanted to see what happened, but as I recall he did it because he wanted to try to granting her wish to be an adult (I feel like she may have requested it not realizing what he would do to grant her wish). Was there an element of him trying to help her or was it really just being cruel for curiosity's sake?

My other question would be about the timeline and how the experiment could be performed. There's only two places I could see it happening- around the same time as the rat box (which given the damage to her neck involved seems impossible for her to recover enough to talk during the performance), or after Louis is dragged away and it happens right onstage (which would mean Lestat would witness it and that would change the whole 'it was a major secret' thing until TVA). If it happened offstage and then he brought her back to be thrown in the sun, that's just a long time for the audience in the theatre to wait. Anyways, I'm rambling, I think, but thoughts? Thank you.

I think in the show timeline it happens while Louis is being entombed… given the wounds on their feet don’t heal that fast the wounds on head or throat would not have healed either :/

That said, since Claudia talked about “needing a new brain“… I think the show will switch the “head“ to “brain“… which is also easier hidden under the hair 😖… so it might fit after the rat box after all.(*)

As per Armand‘s motivation… I do think it’s a mix with him. A certain (too) innocent curiosity, paired with de-sensitization from all the cruelty he witnessed over centuries if you will, paired with an abstract empathy coming from the wish that someone should have helped him…

He knows if he experiments on her it won’t kill her. The cruelty and pain doesn’t really touch him. The end is the big prize that could free her, and as such he sees it valid to try - and he wants to know if it would work.

It doesn’t, and it reads to me as if he’s ashamed of that failure, maybe even ashamed of offering hope, and therefore makes sure the evidence of it all is destroyed.

It is not stated if Claudia consented. I… given the state of her relationship with the vampires at that point (both book and show) I doubt it.

But Armand… did it from a very complicated place of feeling imho, but ultimately he did it at all because, as he says, couldn’t love her. And all things considered, he wanted to know if it would work.

(*) As per the rat box. If they really put her in there… then what we saw on stage was completely fake. Because there is no way that dress would not have been in shreds and bloody if the rats had found her as Louis said.

Tbh. I want him to misremember that. But that would then be the fitting timeframe for the experiment I guess. 😑

[applesaucesims]

Emma was already thriving through motherhood. Although little Louis was a bit of a light sleeper, she did not mind spending more time with him in the morning, while her husband was still fast asleep.

This morning time was especially meaningful to her, since she had been called back to work quite soon after the birth. After all, the studio had been in the middle of set production, and her paintings were necessary for it to be able to hit the deadline. Unlike Niall, who was at a point in his career where he could take breaks as much as he wished, she could not afford the risk of losing the job she only just got. Thankfully, Niall had happily offered to look after their son by himself, when she was gone.

To Niall, on the other hand, the new living situation was much more troublesome. Of course, he deeply loved their child and he was happy to spend the day with him, but the stress started to take a toll on him.

He had been looking forward to being a family with Emma and Louis so much, so why did it all seem so wrong now? The baby's screams were constantly ringing in his head, his mind felt like it was never really there, and nothing he did was right. He could not help but feel like the bond with his son was just not there, and any attempt to fix it failed. Maybe he simply was not fit to be a parent.

Looking back, there was one thing he had always leaned on when his feelings were getting too much for him to deal with. It was easier to make it fade away than to bother others with it.

When Emma returned from work, Niall withdrew to the bedroom to get some peace and quiet. But even then, doubts were filling his brain to the point of giving him the worst headache. Frustrated with himself, he grabbed the bottle of whisky he had stayed away from for too long now. Just a few drinks to quiet the noise, then he would head to bed anyway.

As he felt the liquid run down his throat, he leaned back on the big chair and blinked away the tears forming in his eyes all of a sudden. Soon, he lost count of the refills as he felt himself drifting away and eventually falling asleep.

[TRANSCRIPT]

Emma: "Good morning, my beautiful angel!"

...

Niall: "Em-! ...shit, she's at work, isn't she?"

Louis: "AAAAAAAAAAAA"

Niall: "How did you even break this thing?"

Louis: *babbles*

Niall: "I- I don't know what-"

Louis: *screaming continues*

Niall: "No, no, please! What did I do? What do you want me to do?"

...

Niall: "Finally... quiet..."

Niall: "I'll just have once glass to take the edge off... That's not too bad. Just... one... Maybe two..."

Niall: *pained groan*

[queerstake]

As a queer drawn to the faith and trying to deal with the messiness of entering into everything, I've been trying hard to read more of the Book of Mormon because I only have a very vague understanding of it's Whole Deal, but executive dysfunction, ADHD, and honestly, a million other excuses are making it very difficult. Are there any good resources for walking through the fundamentals? Childish but I feel like I'm disappointing the Lord if I'm not more on top of this.

Hi anon! I totally get it and yes, I can think of a few ideas!

If you're looking for ways to understand the BoM (or even just general doctrine) from more of a bird's eye view:

I hope you don't find this silly, but when I was a kid, the church published an illustrated children's version of the BoM that's obviously way quicker to flip through. It might be harder for you to find those exact editions I read as a kid if you don't have ready access to a church library, BUT I found this!! It's (almost) the ENTIRE BoM illustrated and summarized and it's online!

Looks like they put out videos too that summarize the BoM beginning to end. Here's a link to the video series. I haven't seen these, so I can't vouch for them, but they might be helpful! Similarly, there's a BoM in 60 seconds video you might find helpful.

If you'd benefit from a schedule, the church is currently studying the BoM in sunday school! The past few years, we've been using a study guide called Come Follow Me with weekly assigned reading chapters. I've actually been working on posts about CFM as they relate to queer mormon theology, but I haven't had much posted yet since I've been having a rocky start to 2024. As things improve, I'll be able to hopefully even establish a schedule on this blog!

I'm not sure if missionary lessons is something you're interested in at this point, and it's definitely not something you ever need to do, but the missionary lessons themselves are a pretty good doctrine intro if you're looking for just Mormonism 101 in a digestible way. The missionaries teach out a book called Preach My Gospel, which is available right here. You'll be interested in the lessons, which are found in Chapter 3. If you just scroll down, you'll see some of the links are labeled Lesson instead of Chapter--just click on those bad boys. And if you have any doctrinal questions, I'm always MORE than happy to talk about the church! You'll probably get a faster answer DMing me personally at @logans-mormon-blog, but I'll always answer asks here as soon as time permits.

If you're looking for easier ways to finish the BoM from beginning to end:

The BoM on tape. The church has an audiobook version available on the Gospel Library app and other audio apps like Spotify.

The Reader's Edition. If you can get your hand on a reader's edition, a lot of people find this is an easier way to plow through the BoM. What's special about this one is that it's formatted not like scripture but like prose, and it really does change the reading experience!

I don't know if this helps any, but I struggle with some of the same issues as you and I'm always bitterly disappointed when I'm not able to move mountains. If I had my way, I'd be the most well-read scriptorian of all time and this blog would be updated constantly. But life often doesn't shake out that way. I spend way more time than I want to with my brain entirely burned out of my head. So you're not alone, if that's any comfort. I think God gets it--he made our brains, after all, and knows how hard it is to wrestle with. It's easier said than done, but don't beat yourself up. God loves the both of us and he's the most perfectly patient person who's ever lived. He's not frustrated or disappointed with our efforts. Religion exists, in my opinion, to help improve and enrich our lives, not make them more challenging OR even to make them perfect if we only could just run fast enough. I too wish I could be more diligent and on it, but shit happens, right? And we're not on earth to be perfect, we're here to be happy and to learn. When Joseph Smith was translating the BoM, God told him "Do not run faster or labor more than you have strength and means provided to enable you to translate; but be diligent unto the end." D&C 10:4. We're doing our damndest, and that's all God even wants from us.

If anyone else has more resource ideas, please let us know!

-Logan

[sunny-haven]

My experiences with being hypnotized and why I'm trying out self hypnosis

Ever since getting into hypnosis, I've always wanted to be hypnotized but throughout the years that I've been into it, I can count on one hand the amount of files that have actually put me under. Even doing live sessions with other hypnotists didn't really do that much for me, though they were always beginner hypnotists and/or ones I had taught myself. Because of this, I had believed that for me to go under, I would need an experienced hypnotist that I know and trust well, and even then, it would likely take several sessions to go anywhere due to my ADHD (which made it extremely hard for me to focus during a hypnosis session). And because for the longest time, I didn't really know any hypnotists I knew and trusted well and who I wanted to hypnotize me, that belief was left unchanged for years.

The deepest anyone had put me under was my headmate Rayx, we had to do it via text. The constant switching and doing it over text prevented me from going that deep but it was more effective than anything I had ever experienced, although those two or three sessions were so long ago that my memory is fuzzy other than he got to make me chant a mantra, haha. Nowadays though, I'm not interested in Rayx putting me under and I don't think he's interested either.

In 2019, when I was still living with my family and we all stayed in one room, I finally attempted self hypnosis, and the easiest method I found was creating a hypnosis file specifically for myself. I had to be very quiet and had to wait to have the room for myself. It was mostly focused on general relaxation, more aimless than usual when I'm hypnotizing someone. Then, when I was able to have a moment to relax by myself, I laid in bed and listened to the file. None of the suggestions stuck, but it was the most relaxed I had ever been in my entire life.

I then recorded another file, one focused on helping me overcome my anxiety from phone calls (one that I still have to this day, and is currently making me procrastinate from making an important call). For whatever reason though, I avoided listening to this one, despite Rayx's insistence, and stopped making self hypnosis files for myself. I still wanted to be hypnotized and would sometimes complain about how I wished I was easier to hypnotize and that I wished that I knew someone who was experienced with hypnosis, and Rayx would always tell me that I could still go back to doing self hypnosis files since the first one worked so well, especially because I lived on my own and making them would be way easier. And for whatever reason, I wouldn't, and wouldn't have an answer for him.

Fast forward to about five years later, and being in @/nocturnowlette's community has surrounded me with several experienced hypnotists (as well as Owlette herself). It took me a long while to get around to trying out one of Owlette's files, mostly because they were either about things I wasn't interested in or I just felt like wouldn't work as someone who was inexperienced with being hypnotized. And I hadn't had the courage to ask someone to try to put me under, especially because those who I was interested in I had already hypnotized several times and I felt like some part of my brain would have a hard time submitting to them as a result (which has happened before). But then Owlette one day released a file that was supposed to be for those who struggled going under and was supposed to make it easier for them, which peaked my interest. Eventually, I decided to make myself comfortable and give the file a listen. I'll go over what happened in a moment.

Since joining Owlette's community, a deep-rooted fear of mine had been cracked wide open, one I had never even realized was there and something I still struggle to put into words. I had discovered that I had a fear of loss of control. And what "loss" and "control" mean are very nebulous in my head, but essentially when it comes to hypnosis, I want to feel like the one in control. Oftentimes that means being the hypnotist and the dom, but in other scenarios (like with one couple I'm friends with), it could mean that two people have a hypnosis relationship, but they still happily submit to me and I can mess with them easily. Maybe someone is hypnotizing a group of others, but I'm still hypnotizing the tist as well as everyone else if I want to. And this want applies to both in and out of sessions. So if I would see two people who I had hypnotized before enjoying a hypnosis session without anything to do with me, I would feel like I'm "losing control". If I was listening to someone do a public session and I have no part in it and am just a spectator, I feel like I'm "losing control". And a myriad of other things I've found can trigger this, ranging from making me mildly uncomfortable to severely, even making me break down into tears at times, even though consciously I'm trying to be happy for my friends.

I really fucking hate it. I'm currently attempting to work on this, but this was and is a thing I'm dealing with. One philosophy I used to have was simple exposure therapy, telling others to just carry on and do what they're gonna do so I can expose myself more to situations where I "lose control" so my brain can understand it's okay. Whether or not it's helping, I'm not entirely sure. But since discovering this and looking for ways to help, I had gotten the idea that hypnotizing myself and showing my subconscious mind that it was okay would probably help a lot, especially in a community who had been very focused on safety and pretalk. I decided that Owlette would probably be good, since they're a very skilled hypnotist and we already had a good hypnosis relationship in the past, and she had already mentioned several times before she was interested in putting me under. Before actually talking with her about it though, I figured I'd listen to one of her files to see what it'd be like, which was perfect when she dropped her more beginner-friendly file.

So with all that in mind, I listened to the file and it was... well... I won't go into detail, as it is not an experience I want to think about for long, but it ended up being the worst experience I've ever had with a file. And I don't mean it simply didn't work, I mean that it was genuinely painful. This isn't at all a slant to Owlette, the actual contents of the file were good and it wasn't that different from any other competent beginner-friendly hypnosis file. This instead was like a massive slap in the face that something was deeply wrong with me and that I needed to work on myself. I dunno why I even listened for long, it felt like I was actively pushing away suggestions at one point. Something in my mind just told me I needed to "see it through" or some bullshit, I don't know why. I have to wonder if my reaction ended up being comparable to a PTSD reaction or something (I am NOT saying I have PTSD btw, I'm just wondering).

Normally when I listen to a hypnosis file in the past (and I actually attempted to listen and be hypnotized), it was always by someone I never knew. That combined with the fact that I know hypnosis files for a general audience - as opposed to one made for a specific person - tend to not work unless the subject listening was particularly suggestible. So from the outset, my mind was already geared towards the file not working on me, no matter how much I tried to keep an open mind. At the same time, my ADHD would go into overdrive. Normally I don't have an easy time focusing on things (and god, I would love to try being medicated but that's unrelated) but it's never that bad, and if I'm particularly invested in something, I can more easily focus or even hyperfocus. But almost as a mental defense to prevent me from being hypnotized, my brain's hyperactivity would flare up a ton and would constantly jump from topic to topic, way more often than it normally does, and it made it virtually impossible to focus on the file for long.

For those who I did trust and let them attempt to hypnotize me, my mind took a different stance. They were inexperienced and sometimes there was even a bit of a language barrier, so my hyperactive mind would focus on tiny details they likely didn't notice and would start constantly mentally critique their methods, what words they said, or even if something was grammatically correct or not.

For this file though, I trust Owlette a lot, and more importantly, they are quite skilled and experienced, and though they've been a hypnotist for less time than me, they are definitely one of the better ones I've seen and are a very experienced subject. That, combined with my newfound knowledge of this fear that had been running in the background for years and years... I suppose it made me feel exposed in a way I never felt before when I listened to the file. The mental defenses were still there, on even more of an overdrive than ever before, but being aware of it all and knowing that Owlette was someone who's experienced and someone who I trust seemingly clashed with whatever the hell is going on deep in my mind.

All this to say, I've given up on attempting to be hypnotized by someone else, at least not until whatever is wrong with me has been solved. Exposure therapy definitely did not help in that instance. But, my mind went back to those self hypnosis files I made before and just how effective they were for me when nothing else really seemed to be. I couldn't really be afraid of losing control if I was the one putting myself under. So earlier this month, I made a self hypnosis file, based on relaxation like before but also trying to slowly get rid of that fear of loss of control. It was a bit aimless like the other self hypnosis files, but that was okay, and editing in sounds of rain while indoors next to a fireplace also helped a bunch. I certainly don't think it can be hypnotized out of me, but I'm hoping that if I keep at it, that fear will fade over time.

And as for that file itself... It again was one of the most comfortable experiences of my life. I honestly don't remember a comfier one, to be honest. And it's hard for me to judge because I'm not at all used to judging to how I respond to hypnosis, but I think I ended up going pretty deep. I nodded along to what I was saying without really thinking. I would imagine myself as my fursona a lot of the time (which is what happened during Owlette's file, though in that instance, it was not at all fun), and it felt like I was drifting off to sleep. In fact, towards the later half of the file, I don't remember any of it - it felt like I had just drifted off to sleep. I didn't even wake up during the awakener, though as soon as the file ended, I started to wake up, then was jolted awake at the realization I didn't even wake up when my voice was counting me up from trance. Like wow. Is that what it's like being hypnotized for you all??? Gosh.

Earlier today, as an attempt to calm myself before making an important call, I decided to listen to the file again. And I pretty much had the exact same experience. The only difference was that my consciousness started becoming aware as the file was waking me up, though I chose to stay in trance until the file ended, then I woke up quickly and easily the moment it ended. And then for whatever reason, I decided to listen to the file a third time while I was still in bed, and though it wasn't as effective, I still had that moment of going deep enough it felt like sleep (and thus I don't know what happened). I woke up from trance as I was saying the number 5, as I thought I was done counting then, lmao.

Needless to say, I'm definitely making more hypnosis files, though I'm unsure of what I should do next. I feel like I should make a file to help with my nervousness for phone calls, though I'm afraid I will not listen to it like I did in 2019. But I'm unsure what else I would do right now, especially since a file like that would definitely be helpful as there's an important call I need to do soon. So I might just make that particular file.

My end goal is to make me see myself as my fursona, as I have done with some people, as that has been my dream with hypnosis for years and years. I have hope now, I realize I'm a more suggestible subject than I thought. I also hope I'll be able to overcome this fear someday, because it's really getting in the way of me being able to be happy for my friends.

[krizariel]

Follow up to this post At first Tim was silent, seemingly taking in his surroundings. He seemed weary for some reason and Jason didn't know what to say first. Talking to Tim had never been this difficult, but its been so long hoping for him to wake up and then he beat him to it

"Who are you?"

Jason was at loss of words at first because he did not see that coming. Granted, with the brain injury it was a big possibility but- Tim was staring at him wearily and Jason didn't want to make him any more uncomfortable.

"I'm Jason"

" I… see."

"I'll call the nurse" And Jason quickly left the room to call for help.

-----

The news of Tim waking up flew fast and promptly he was receiving many visitors. The doctor said Tim's mental faculties appear to be fine, other than the amnesia. It is likely temporary considering that nothing appears to be wrong with his brain. He just needs time and go into physical therapy and to remain in observation but after that he should be able to go back to his normal life. So Jason took this as a chance.

He'd be there for him this time, even if he doesn't remember. Maybe life is giving him a chance to start over and do things right.

At first Tim was weary of him. Where he was talkative with others, his answers were curt and didn't make any small talk. That was ok though, Jason is nothing if not stubborn.

He still kept visiting him, he kept bringing him flowers and asked the questions he told himself he'd ask.

Jason brought books to read to Tim until he'd fall asleep. Slowly Tim began to open up more.

Jason tried to come most days but sometimes he'd just sneak through the window after patrol. Tim would look at him surprised because it was so late (or too early) and bringing food with him because the hospital food sucks.

"I wish I could move better already. I feel so…weak and powerless, still being unable to leave this place on my own."

"Then come with me." Jason said.

"What? I can't leave right now plus if we leave the nurses will see you and will kick you out."

"Trust me, we will be out and back and no one will notice"

As promised, Jason took them both outside while he carried Tim. They'd walk around the gardens or would go to the roof. When Tim's legs give in, Jason would just carry him around. At first the pretty bird was skittish and didn't want to be held but then as his legs were genuinely too tired he accepted the help.

Sometimes he'd feel Tim snuggling closer and clinging harder onto him and Jason couldn't help but revel on the attention as much as he could.

Before he thought he didn't deserve this. Any of it.

The thought of being with someone was too distant, too foreign he didn't even entertain the idea of a romantic relationship. He didn't think he could allow himself to have that. But now... this feels different and maybe it was okay to enjoy it.

----

Then of course, because life is a bitch, everything went crashing down.

Jason had gotten close, maybe too close for Tim's comfort and Tim just…snapped.

"I can't keep doing this"

"What do you mean?"

"I lied. I do remember you. Everything. I always had."

"What the hell Tim? Why!?"

"For you maybe it had been plenty of time but for me… It hadn't been long since I had my feelings thrown back at my face. I understood why you did it. That didn't mean it didn't hurt and I needed some distance so I could get over it. It's normal for people to need space. So when you showed up, the last person I wanted to see was you. It hurt seeing you talking to me so freely like you hadn't just walk all over my feelings for you.

Maybe it was stupid but at the time I thought feigning memory loss would deter you from coming back. Would make make it easier for you to get tired and leave for the time being. I knew I'd still see you but I thought…it was a temporary solution. Desperate, stupid one. But you kept coming. You kept visiting me. I'd wake up and I'd see you and I started to enjoy your presence but I'm done. I don't want to keep lying to myself so what the hell are we doing?!"

Jason felt cold. Like suddenly the floor below him disappeared. But of course…of course he never had a chance.

"So what I'm hearing is that I hurt you again."

Tim was looking straight up at him. He looked pained to have this conversation but resolute nonetheless. Have I been hurting you all this time?

"I'm sorry. I know I can't take what I said back. At first what hit me was a sense of loss…of never making things up to you. For you to be gone and all I'd remember of you was your face as I hurt you even if at the time I thought it was for the best..."

"I'm so sorry Tim. I kept coming back because I wanted to make it up to you and-"

"So pity it is"

"What?"

"Jason maybe you had plenty of time to think about getting to know me and cool down but for me it had only been days since you threw my feelings right back at my face with raw honesty. I'd like to…. work again together, continue being allies, be friends even…"

"Friends…"

"But right now all I need is time and space. There's a lot I need to process…a lot of my life I've lost and I need to catch up with it all. You are a reminder of my feelings for you and that's the last thing I want to think of right now. So please… if you mean it when you say you care... then leave."

Part 3

[heartbreakincident]

28 or 40 for the whump prompt?

(prompt from here)

28. “I won’t leave.” / 40. “You have shit timing, you know that?”

(cw for vague references to a past attempted suicide)

ocs: keres, rene (original). 707 words.

Some days are better than others. The thing about trying and then failing is that all the feelings that made him try in the first place didn't exactly go away. They just... got more complicated.

In certain ways, it's easier now. Rene can take a backseat and let Keres pilot their body around, let them get a hand on the wheel and do the menial work of stretching, showering, feeding them. The self-maintenance tasks that Rene couldn't bring himself to do for them when he was feeling like this.

Keres has long since forgotten how to be chatty out loud, so their little basement apartment is eerily quiet. They've spent too much time dead and then too much time locked in the back of Rene's head, before the two of them learned how to be an us instead of a you and me, so they forget that they can talk whenever they want. With a mouth and lips and tongue and teeth. Instead, they nudge the little blob inside their head that is Rene right now, and feed him sensations to try to coax him out of the empty, disembodied void he's trying to lose himself in.

They don't get it. When they had their own body, before they'd died, they'd had a brain that functioned the way brains are supposed to. They'd only struggled with tasks that were actually difficult, and they'd worried about things more or less the right amount. Even still, now that they shared a body, they didn't get the full force of Rene's moods. Didn't understand why just the thought of existing was so overwhelming.

They definitely didn't understand how Rene could remember the way the water had felt in his lungs and wish he'd never been pulled out.

"You have shit timing, you know that?" Rene says, in that strange way that they talk to each other in their head. It was like forming a really clear thought, enunciating syllables in his brain without ever opening his mouth. It had to be on purpose, more intentional than physically speaking, or the words just came out jumbled in their shared space. "I was so close."

Keres froze, fingers loosely clutching the spoon they'd been using to stir their lunch with. "I don't regret it," they reply, words slow. They had a little lisp when they spoke with their mouth, a slight slurring to their speech. The remnants of some sort of physical thing that they used to have but didn't anymore. "We'd be dead otherwise."

"If I could give you my body I would. You'd make better use of it." And then Rene could sleep. Let the sentinels devour his soul and disappear into that nothingness that he thinks he might have spotted somewhere at the bottom of the river.

"Our body," they correct reflexively. "It wouldn't be the same if it was mine."

"You'd be able to do whatever you wanted with it," Rene offers. "If I left, you could quit my job and disappear. Start over as whoever you want to be." He doesn't know how realistic it is for him to actually leave them with it—Keres was stuck fast, and the two of them were so woven together at this point that it was hard to remember the time before. But it was sort of nice to imagine the possibility that he could just... drift off, and leave Keres with the parting gift of the life they'd desperately wanted.

"True. But it'd be lonely. And it wouldn't be ours." They adjust the heat on the stove and resume their stirring, drawing a few idle circles in the bottom of the saucepan. "I prefer it this way."

It was hard for Rene to argue with them when they said stuff like that. Because underneath the words, he could hear what Keres really meant: that he'd be missed. That Keres wouldn't be the same person if Rene wasn't around. That he'd be killing more than just himself, even if he was leaving a healthy body behind.

"I won't leave," Rene promises. "As long as you don't."

Keres laughed, a soft thing under their breath, hesitant because they're still out of practice. "You make it very easy to say yes, sometimes."

[bobokitty]

Brain woke me up too early blegh so get this...whatever this is. A vent?

I don't like doing commissions. I don't like the dynamic they set up between me and the other person. It's a pretty miserable experience for me and makes me hate what I draw. The other person has an idea in their head that I'll never be able to match cuz I can't picture it properly.

That said, I do like drawing for others. Gifts and doodles are totally fine. Things where the other person isn't expecting much or anything at all from me. I'm the only one setting expectations and rules. Much lower stakes for my brain.

[side note: Studio work falls into another category where I'm working with others and there's a pretty clear style and goal that I need to hit. It's also working off someone else's art to start with. My brain is fine with this]

I set up ko-fi to see if I could find a medium between the two (though there has yet to be any takers so zero data exists on the successfulness of it for my brain). Having it timed means you get what you get and no revisions. If there are mistakes then there are mistakes and that's now part of the art. That's the idea at least. Also, the pricing kind of highlights how little people tend to charge for commissions.

$15/h is what you make working fast food where I live. It is not enough to afford rent by yourself anywhere here. I know this from experience. $20/h isn't even enough for solo living here but it's a little easier to get by. Five hours into a piece, and you're already hitting $100 (this is all USD btw, yes I live in the US and can only talk about the cost of living here. Don't come at me about how that amount is different in another country. That should be understood; every country has it's own cost of living). So what then if a piece takes at least two days? Two work days = 16 hours. That's $320. Some artists can calculate this stuff and price accordingly, but there are a LOT of smaller artists who will never be able to charge that much. Is it right to say that they are only worth paying $2/h? (US companies sure think so. They love to outsource work to pay people that little) But if you're a small artist, you can't charge more. You can't ask for fair pay because you're lucky for the few eyes you get. It's shitty. It sucks! I wish I was super wealthy so I could just like, pay all these people idk man I've lost my train of thought.

Imma go back to sleep now. No idea how to end this lol. Congrats if you got this far? 🎉🎉🎉