#<- excluding my online friends
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girl i barely ate at all yesterday. and i cant stomach dinner. and i cant ask my family to make me to the store so i can buy something im fine eating because they wont fucking care anyways. and like. i think i should just die
#was hungry all night yesterday . oh wow i really do think i should just die#really funny how people just. Do not care if i dont eat at all#not enough anyways. really awesome to know that their fucking tiredness will always be more important then any of my like. Needs lol#girllll let me DIEEEE#this is probably why ive been so miserable lately. the not eating and also the proof that nobody cares about me enough to like. Feed me#should i tag this like. disordered eating or something. because let it be known this is NOT by choice#id be happy and eating 3 meals a day if i had the chance. but ummm. I Dont!#as soon as i can learn how to drive i WILL. this shit sucks#oh wowww thats a lot of feelings. really genuinely do wish i was dead#nobody care about me#<- excluding my online friends#OH MY GOD ME AND TIM SHARE MALNUTRITION PROBABLY!!!!!#id be impressed if i wasnt malnourished at this point .#tw not eating#or ssome shit. Whatever#personal
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makes me so insane when I see people bullying others for existing like. Does this person’s existence hurt you this much. Do you really have the primordial need of shaming anyone that’s slightly different from you. Do you feel that much rage seeing someone else be happy.
#lemon man talks#This post was brought to you by me seeing ppl being insanely mean to therians online#Saying stuff like “we should bring back bullying” and shit#Like what the fuck is wrong with you actually#I’m not even therian this is just enraging#Im genuinely scared of saying im fictionkin because im already bullied to death everyday and this could get me even more excluded for my ow#Friend group. And this is just ridiculous.#Why do we have to feel unsafe because people are just outright mean and want to like beat us because we wear animal masks or are from#Fictional sources.#If you can’t let people be because they are slightly different than you then you should grow up actually#and if you record therians in public and post it without them knowing making fun of them you disgust me#If you go out of your way to comment hate on alterhuman/furries/whatever’s posts you’re just ridiculous#We’re not hurting you we’re just trying to exist#leave us alone#Doesn’t matter if I’m a therian or not I’m always gonna defend them#I’ve been seeing a lot of hate on them lately for some reason and it’s making me SO MAD
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more mutuals should just gossip about whatever with me cause I'm nosy and like to be a part of things
#omg kiera no one cares#I've been excluded a lot so instead i think everyone should just gossip online drama irl drama drama of someone you know that's just silly#this is inspired by re-4 telling me about their coworker who i do NOT like#more friends should just start telling me things that aren't my business but it is now
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I wish that I had the energy and time to do the BB questions. It's been a long week. I miss creating. I miss interacting with people.
#it's so childish#but I feel isolated#both from my friends online#and in person#it's bringing back memories#of everyone else playing together#and no one was excluding me#and no one was mean#but I still felt that invisible wall#like a glass#and I'm the bug#gently taken away#because I don't belong#I'm nearly forty fucking years old#when do I get to stop feeling like a shunned baby?#it's harsh#but when do I get to kill the lonely little girl inside?#trying to heal her isn't working#melodramatic much?#I don't want to spend another forty years#feeling so lonely
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i loveee scott n oppie n kj aaaaaaughhhhhhhhhhh
#dudeeee i love my online friends so much they arent even online friends they r just my friends#NOT EXCLUDING ALL MY UNMENTIONED FRIENDS IM JUST NAMING THEM BECAUSE THEY MADE ME SMILE RIGHT NOW!!!!!!!!!!
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don’t know how 2 say “if I unfollow u as a mutual I promise it’s nothing personal” without just saying it but like. If u primarily rb unrelated stuff frum art I might unfollow from time 2 time (esp if it’s a lot of discourse related stuff) bc I’m becoming increasingly aware of how bad I am at monitoring and filtering my own racing thoughts when it comes to viewing an excessive amount of discourse posts. I will still check in and rb and probably even refollow once I get my brain set back on track but yah. If this means anything
#I was on a rly good streak for a while where I had my online vibe curated rly well and now it’s all strange again and I’m aughhhh aughh!#it’s nothing personal to anyone I follow mutual or otherwise I genuinely have really poor control over racing thoughts and stuff.#this obviously excludes the important current events going on I’m talking abt just. More general stuff.#that rly only applies to me specifically.#I just wish that there were easier ways to go about interacting w my online friends bc auuu auuuu I don’t wanna “break the mutual”#I don’t want ppl to think I don’t like interacting or seeing their stuff all the time#but when it’s like a 9:1 media criticism / queer discourse to art ratio#even when it’s like! stuff I agree about! Eventually it just makes my brain spin like a top .#AUGH.#text posts :0]#ramgling sorry I just got a sudden Very fucking bad stint of anxiety and am realizing I gotta remember what made being online Enjoyable#If I’m going to Keep being here
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having my college friends like the posts where im rambling really hits me on how bizarre it must be to see how i am online compared to how i behave with people im not close to in real life lolol its a bit embarrassing when in person im very tame and soft spoken while online i speak in such a way it makes me seem LOUD😭 well, when you compare those two at least, im not too sure if it is percieved that way in general www.
irls who im not very close to if you see how i act online no you didn't 😢. please pretend you get to know this side of me gradually in a satisfying character arc.😢
#i talk!!!#the contrasts of my publicsona and my onlinesona😢#my publicsona loves blending in with the crowd and capturing social cues and staying on its own place#neither are a lie though. publicsona is just me comforming a bit more so i dont weird people of the bat www but everyone does that i think#BUT EITHER WAY ITS STILL EMBARRASSING TO HAVE PEOPLE WHO KNOW ME FROM ONE SIDE SEE THE OTHER ONE WWWW#if you know me online first seeing me comform more would be equally as embarassing im sorry thay would be so awkward#but it feels a bit worse viceversa because at least online you already see me acting weird ACTING MORE NORMALLY WOULD BE MORE CHILL TO SEE#imagine being hit with whiplash your buddy michael from class has a very goofy online presence where he calls himself local cat boy#(sob)#this excludes close friends though they do know im rabid
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being an adult who doesn't go to bars and doesn't use any dating apps makes having a social life so fucking hard a;lfkjasdf i hate it
#anyway i've been in this town for a year now and have made 0 friends (locally)#i signed up for a paper making workshop later this month tho so fingers crossed i can make at least one friend there#but ugh. after my personal life got fuckin nuked in grad school i just...have not made any new friends#a bitch has been more or less friendless (online friendships excluded ilu all so much but ykwim) since april 2022 :'(#genuinely don't know how to cultivate friendships anymore and it fucking sucks#whining wombat#what i really need is all my mutuals living within like five miles of me lol
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Every day I get more and more upset that I can’t play BG3 yet. Someone deliver a PC to my house IMMEDIATELY.
#all my friends are playing it everyone online is playing it#I feel left out I feel excluded I feel oppressed
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Making me think about the people I knew as a teenager is the best way to unlock any repressed anger or hate in my heart
#obviously not my friends. but like. man. i wish i could punch some of those ppl SO much. just beat the shit out of them.#i tried my damnedest to see the good in every one of them and i was SUCCESSFUL but like. they did not deserve my kindness.#i still get so angry when i think about the kid who’s ENTIRE online presence was making fun of ADHD and making jokes about how it’s fake#and like. so many of the ppl i played hockey with (speficially comp) were just. so awful. they hurt so many people including me#but i was so depressed i just took it cause i thought I deserved it and if i took it i wouldn’t be treated badly#but like. yeah they didn’t outright bully me because i made myself small. but they still were not kind to me and made me feel worthless#and yeah yeah i know therapy language they can’t *make* me feel anything but like. come on#those assholes refused to ever try to be friends with me. i assumed cause they thought i was gay but idk i was also weird so ¯\_(ツ)_/¯#like every time i got to talking with them and tried to reach out they’d pull away and purposely exclude me#and over and over again it just made me realize I wasn’t worth shit to them. and since they were my world i felt like i was all worthless#googoogajoob
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Male nerds who pride themselves on telling feminists to sit on tacks can all go step on legos barefoot for the next month.
#tiger’s roar#sorry you had a messy divorce buddy but also your vibes are RANK and maybe that’s part of why she left#also 1) rude to kinda blatantly exclude me from the dnd discussion but also 2) yeah if this was you Playing Nice As Host?#mmm I’d hate how you run your tables. bullet dodged.#I’ll just keep on making Blatantly Fandom/Joke/Cool Character Ideas with online friends#and bugging my brother about how his group’s campaigns are going
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Dude I'm reading this self help book called "The Art of Loneliness" and dont get me wrong, there are many parts that are good. But there also parts like this:
That makes me raise my eyebrows. Thats a lot of assumptions there ma'am
#🪐.txt#this book is helping me understanding my own loneliness and making me peace with my own introversion and stop being a people pleaser#BUT. paradoxically the author assigns the single narrative of 'solitude is the best answer' and 'social people are actually secretly#miserable inside' even tho she (justifiably!!) critics how people assigns the only narrative of 'solitary people#are miserable weirdos in need of salvation'#like. thats a very big double standard there#actually humans are diverse and accepting/normalizing different needs (in this case- solitude) doesn't means you need shame other needs#(socialzing and partying)#you are only doing to others what other ppl do to yourselr. the only difference is that you're hiding behind a superiority moral justify#that makes you think youre better for not conforming to society's standards#those who fit society's standards arent thr problem. the problem is hoe society in large scale exclude the people who dont fit it's single#narrative of 'people need to be social and have friends'#this is actually the very exemple of how being stuck in philosophical thinking can make you stop looking at the real world#or shortly: philosophy is fine but you should touch grass every once in a while#partying and extroverts arent the incarnation of evil. i pinky swear#using social media can be bad to your health yes but people who like posting pics on Instagram arent always miserable#sometimes. just sometimes. it means they like taking pics and sharing it online with other ppl#and its funny how the author tells you to enjoy your life but suddenly when you're doing it wrong (ie partying) its bc youre miserable#sometimes enjoying life doesn't mean having a career. im saying this as someone who wants to have a career and doesn't likes partying
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trying my hardest to cut back on vent posts but holy fuck the Horrors
#they simply never stop!! fucking hell!!!#i was talking abt how stressed i am to my mother and she was like “ok point to one thing other than (relative)'s death that's happened”#like!!! it's not about literal things!!! it's about the fact that i just keep losing at every turn no matter how goddamn small!!!!#no i don't remember every time that i was excluded from social stuff or my order was messed up at a fast food place so i didn't get to eat#but i remember how i just can't stop fucking losing!!!!!#like. on top of all the major life events and shit. the small stuff is what's really getting to me#my friends are disappearing. the distance grows greater. soon i'll be completely alone#god it's just fucking suffocating#i have. two (2) friends who actively still reach out to me. and eventually they'll get tored of how much i complain and leave me behind too#they're better for it anyways. nobody should have to deal with being friends with me#i'm just tired. i'm so fucking tired. of everything. i'm tired of being “so brave” this shit sucks ass and i can't fucking take it!!!#and those two friends are counting online friends. if i wasn't counting them i'd have nobody#all my friends have fucking moved. literally nothing i could do about it#just another example of the universe shitting on me at every single fucking turn#ok whatever. im going to bed and trying not to think about it. maybe the universe will take pity on me and kill me while i sleep#marin complains
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yes, there are that many really disabled people on the internet actually
When I was less sick I used to think, "It seems like such a large portion of people on the internet are disabled, it can't possibly be that large of a percentage of the population" and then let my ableism demons tell me it was because they were faking (the same ones that told me I was faking, until I made myself really ill.)
But now that I'm sicker and wiser I realize I was logically just wrong because
The internet is disabled people's lifeline. There are more disabled people on the internet because OF COURSE. People who aren't disabled can be less chronically online because they don't have to be. This is textbook selection bias!
But actually also I was almost right, because there are way more disabled people in society than you would think! They're just systematically hidden and excluded from public spaces for abled peoples' convenience! 🙃
Anyway maybe this will help you understand and/or explain to abled friends and family.
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It's been a while since i've been angry at someone
#its tiring#especially when its my sister and i need to keep seeing her at home#im the one whos angry at her but im also scared that shes gonna have an anxiety attack because of it#well at least i told her the reason before getting out of house#this way she wont have anxiety attack but will be annoying 😭😭#i dont want her to apologise constantly and tryna hug me its annoying#the last time i was angry was in summer when my ex friends excluded me from something ive been wanting for months#well they dont know ive been angry at them cuz i never told them#theyre probably curious why i dont talk to them anymore but they didnt even ask so i guess they dont care thay much#Oh wait i guess i was also angry with an online friend a few weeks ago because she ghosted me for months 👍 but we re ok now#i love actively destroying my relationships without telling anyone anything even tho im scared of being left alone 👍👍
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The majority of censorship is self-censorship
I'm on tour with my new novel The Bezzle! Catch me TONIGHT in SAN DIEGO (Feb 22, Mysterious Galaxy). After that, it's LA (Saturday night, with Adam Conover), Seattle (Monday, with Neal Stephenson), then Portland, Phoenix and more!
I know a lot of polymaths, but Ada Palmer takes the cake: brilliant science fiction writer, brilliant historian, brilliant librettist, brilliant singer, and then some:
https://pluralistic.net/2022/02/10/monopoly-begets-monopoly/#terra-ignota
Palmer is a friend and a colleague. In 2018, she, Adrian Johns and I collaborated on "Censorship, Information Control, & Information Revolutions from Printing Press to Internet," a series of grad seminars at the U Chicago History department (where Ada is a tenured prof, specializing in the Inquisition and Renaissance forbidden knowledge):
https://ifk.uchicago.edu/research/faculty-fellow-projects/censorship-information-control-information-revolutions-from-printing-press/
The project had its origins in a party game that Ada and I used to play at SF conventions: Ada would describe a way that the Inquisitions' censors attacked the printing press, and I'd find an extremely parallel maneuver from governments, the entertainment industry or other entities from the much more recent history of internet censorship battles.
With the seminars, we took it to the next level. Each 3h long session featured a roster of speakers from many disciplines, explaining everything from how encryption works to how white nationalists who were radicalized in Vietnam formed an armored-car robbery gang to finance modems and Apple ][+s to link up neo-Nazis across the USA.
We borrowed the structure of these sessions from science fiction conventions, home to a very specific kind of panel that doesn't always work, but when it does, it's fantastic. It was a natural choice: after all, Ada and I know each other through science fiction.
Even if you're not an sf person, you've probably heard of the Hugo Awards, the most prestigious awards in the field, voted on each year by attendees of the annual World Science Fiction Convention (Worldcon). And even if you're not an sf fan, you might have heard about a scandal involving the Hugo Awards, which were held last year in China, a first:
https://www.nbcnews.com/news/world/science-fiction-authors-excluded-hugo-awards-china-rcna139134
A little background: each year's Worldcon is run by a committee of volunteers. These volunteers put together bids to host the Worldcon, and canvass Worldcon attendees to vote in favor of their bid. For many years, a group of Chinese fans attempted to field a successful bid to host a Worldcon, and, eventually, they won.
At the time, there were many concerns: about traveling to a country with a poor human rights record and a reputation for censorship, and about the logistics of customary Worldcon attendees getting visas. During this debate, many international fans pointed to the poor human rights record in the USA (which has hosted the vast majority of Worldcons since their inception), and the absolute ghastly rigmarole the US government subjects many foreign visitors to when they seek visas to come to the US for conventions.
Whatever side of this debate you came down on, it couldn't be denied that the Chinese Worldcon rang a lot of alarm-bells. Communications were spotty, and then the con was unceremoniously rescheduled for months after the original scheduled date, without any good explanation. Rumors swirled of Chinese petty officials muscling their way into the con's administration.
But the real alarm bells started clanging after the Hugo Award ceremony. Normally, after the Hugos are given out, attendees are given paper handouts tallying the nominations and votes, and those numbers are also simultaneously published online. Technically, the Hugo committee has a grace period of some weeks before this data must be published, but at every Worldcon I've attended over the past 30+ years, I left the Hugos with a data-sheet in my hand.
Then, in early December, at the very last moment, the Hugo committee released its data – and all hell broke loose. Numerous, acclaimed works had been unilaterally "disqualified" from the ballot. Many of these were written by writers from the Chinese diaspora, but some works – like an episode of Neil Gaiman's Sandman – were seemingly unconnected to any national considerations.
Readers and writers erupted in outrage, demanding to know what had happened. The Hugo administrators – Americans and Canadians who'd volunteered in those roles for many years and were widely viewed as being members in good standing of the community – were either silent or responded with rude and insulting remarks. One thing they didn't do was explain themselves.
The absence of facts left a void that rumors and speculation rushed in to fill. Stories of Chinese official censorship swirled online, and along with them, a kind of I-told-you-so: China should never have been home to a Worldcon, the country's authoritarian national politics are fundamentally incompatible with a literary festival.
As the outrage mounted and the scandal breached from the confines of science fiction fans and writers to the wider world, more details kept emerging. A damning set of internal leaks revealed that it was those long-serving American and Canadian volunteers who decided to censor the ballot. They did so out of a vague sense that the Chinese state would visit some unspecified sanction on the con if politically unpalatable works appeared on the Hugo ballot. Incredibly, they even compiled clumsy dossiers on nominees, disqualifying one nominee out of a mistaken belief that he had once visited Tibet (it was actually Nepal).
There's no evidence that the Chinese state asked these people to do this. Likewise, it wasn't pressure from the Chinese state that caused them to throw out hundreds of ballots cast by Chinese fans, whom they believed were voting for a "slate" of works (it's not clear if this is the case, but slate voting is permitted under Hugo rules).
All this has raised many questions about the future of the Hugo Awards, and the status of the awards that were given in China. There's widespread concern that Chinese fans involved with the con may face state retaliation due to the negative press that these shenanigans stirred up.
But there's also a lot of questions about censorship, and the nature of both state and private censorship, and the relationship between the two. These are questions that Ada is extremely well-poised to answer; indeed, they're the subject of her book-in-progress, entitled Why We Censor: from the Inquisition to the Internet.
In a magisterial essay for Reactor, Palmer stakes out her central thesis: "The majority of censorship is self-censorship, but the majority of self-censorship is intentionally cultivated by an outside power":
https://reactormag.com/tools-for-thinking-about-censorship/
States – even very powerful states – that wish to censor lack the resources to accomplish totalizing censorship of the sort depicted in Nineteen Eighty-Four. They can't go from house to house, searching every nook and cranny for copies of forbidden literature. The only way to kill an idea is to stop people from expressing it in the first place. Convincing people to censor themselves is, "dollar for dollar and man-hour for man-hour, much cheaper and more impactful than anything else a censorious regime can do."
Ada invokes examples modern and ancient, including from her own area of specialty, the Inquisition and its treatment of Gailileo. The Inquistions didn't set out to silence Galileo. If that had been its objective, it could have just assassinated him. This was cheap, easy and reliable! Instead, the Inquisition persecuted Galileo, in a very high-profile manner, making him and his ideas far more famous.
But this isn't some early example of Inquisitorial Streisand Effect. The point of persecuting Galileo was to convince Descartes to self-censor, which he did. He took his manuscript back from the publisher and cut the sections the Inquisition was likely to find offensive. It wasn't just Descartes: "thousands of other major thinkers of the time wrote differently, spoke differently, chose different projects, and passed different ideas on to the next century because they self-censored after the Galileo trial."
This is direct self-censorship, where people are frightened into silencing themselves. But there's another form of censorship, which Ada calls "middlemen censorship." That's when someone other than the government censors a work because they fear what the government would do if they didn't. Think of Scholastic's cowardly decision to pull inclusive, LGBTQ books out of its book fair selections even though no one had ordered them to do so:
https://www.nytimes.com/2023/05/06/books/scholastic-book-racism-maggie-tokuda-hall.html
This is a form of censorship outsourcing, and it "multiplies the manpower of a censorship system by the number of individuals within its power." The censoring body doesn't need to hire people to search everyone's houses for offensive books – it can frighten editors, publishers, distributors, booksellers and librarians into suppressing the books in the first place.
This outsourcing blurs the line between state and private surveillance. Think about comics. After a series of high-profile Congressional hearings about the supposed danger of comics to impressionable young minds, the comics industry undertook a regime of self-censorship, through which the private Comics Code Authority would vet comings for "dangerous" content before allowing its seal of approval to appear on the comics' covers. Distributors and retailers refused to carry books without a CCA stamp, so publishers refused to publish books unless they could get a CCA stamp.
The CCA was unaccountable, capricious – and racist. By the 60s and 70s, it became clear that comic about Black characters were subjected to much tighter scrutiny than comics featuring white heroes. The CCA would reject "a drop of sweat on the forehead of a Black astronaut as 'too graphic' since it 'could be mistaken for blood.'" Every comic that got sent back by the CCA meant long, brutal reworkings by writers and illustrators to get them past the censors.
The US government never censored heroes like Black Panther, but the chain of events that created the CCA "middleman censors" made sure that Black Panther appeared in far fewer comics starring Marvel's most prominent Black character. An analysis of censorship that tries to draw a line between private and public censorship would say that the government played no role in Black Panther's banishment to obscurity – but without Congressional action, Black Panther would never have faced censorship.
This is why attempts to cleanly divide public and private censorship always break down. Many people will tell you that when Twitter or Facebook blocks content they disagree with, that's not censorship, since censorship is government action, and these are private actors. What they mean is that Twitter and Facebook censorship doesn't violate the First Amendment, but it's perfectly possible to infringe on free speech without violating the US Constitution. What's more, if the government fails to prevent monopolization of our speech forums – like social media – and also declines to offer its own public speech forums that are bound to respect the First Amendment, we can end up with government choices that produce an environment in which some ideas are suppressed wherever they might find an audience – all without violating the Constitution:
https://locusmag.com/2020/01/cory-doctorow-inaction-is-a-form-of-action/
The great censorious regimes of the past – the USSR, the Inquisition – left behind vast troves of bureaucratic records, and these records are full of complaints about the censors' lack of resources. They didn't have the manpower, the office space, the money or the power to erase the ideas they were ordered to suppress. As Ada notes, "In the period that Spain’s Inquisition was wildly out of Rome’s control, the Roman Inquisition even printed manuals to guide its Inquisitors on how to bluff their way through pretending they were on top of what Spain was doing!"
Censors have always done – and still do – their work not by wielding power, but by projecting it. Even the most powerful state actors are not powerful enough to truly censor, in the sense of confiscating every work expressing an idea and punishing everyone who creates such a work. Instead, when they rely on self-censorship, both by individuals and by intermediaries. When censors act to block one work and not another, or when they punish one transgressor while another is free to speak, it's tempting to think that they are following some arcane ruleset that defines when enforcement is strict and when it's weak. But the truth is, they censor erratically because they are too weak to censor comprehensively.
Spectacular acts of censorship and punishment are a performance, "to change the way people act and think." Censors "seek out actions that can cause the maximum number of people to notice and feel their presence, with a minimum of expense and manpower."
The censor can only succeed by convincing us to do their work for them. That's why drawing a line between state censorship and private censorship is such a misleading exercise. Censorship is, and always has been, a public-private partnership.
If you'd like an essay-formatted version of this post to read or share, here's a link to it on pluralistic.net, my surveillance-free, ad-free, tracker-free blog:
https://pluralistic.net/2024/02/22/self-censorship/#hugos
#pluralistic#ada palmer#worldcon#hugos#china#science fiction#fanac#publishing#censorship#systems of information control during information revolutions#scholarship
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