#<- I know its just bc im not like. used to religious stuff but im not going to lie sitting in a funeral home after the sudden and entirely

[itsalwaysdark]

i will say it was a bit funny bc the text from my mom got cropped for the notif so the notif just said 'signed everybody up for church' and i was like ...??? interesting decision for our family. but then i clicked and went YIPPEEEEE

[bubbleddisasters]

Stupid Shit I’ve done/Gotten myself into by accident/been dragged into as Twisted Wonderland Characters:

—————-

Ace : Heard my sister screaming bloody murder downstairs and didn’t do shit because I assumed she was watching a horror movie. Turns out there was a fire in the oven.

Bonus: Sniped my friend in the eye from across the Cafeteria with a Ketchup Packet, Meant to hit his glasses, but he repositioned them at the last second.

Deuce: Answered Maine four times on a Historical Geography test and was wrong all four times.

Cater: Threw my phone out of the window in a panic after seeing one of my Idols followed me back.

Bonus : Accidentally convinced a transfer camper from Wales I was from London after I quoted something in the accent to myself in the showers and was too awkward to tell them I wasn’t when they struck up the conversation.

(I am from America, and the camp is in America.)

Trey: Accidentally created a puddle of Dark Red Icing and Stepped in it four times in a row while making a cake at 2 am.

Bonus : Befriended and helped out the owner of a French Bakery down the street when they started out, they ended up becoming really popular (rightfully so, her stuff is amazing) and now I either get free shit and/or Friends and Family Discounts.

Riddle : I have read the dictionary on multiple occasions out of sheer boredom.

Bonus: I once read the bible and marked down verses. Im not religious I just needed to win an argument.

Leona: Slept through an earthquake and 3 ambulances coming to my house bcs my sister was hurt.

Ruggie: Waited for families going inside to pass by and asked them to hold the door for me so I could sneak into a VIP rooms for free food. (Usually only at fancy hotels but luckily this strategy is flexible when your 5’2 with a baby face.)

Jack: Used to Smash open large rocks containing Crystals or Quartz at the beach as a kid, and now I have a large collection of them.

Bonus: I have extremely good hearing, to the point I hear into the negative decibels up to -15 - -20 (according to the audiologist this is rare but i literally don’t know shit about audio and decibels) so my old dormmates used to try and bribe me to tell them what I heard about certain things or themselves.

Bonus 2: Almost got shot by an illegal hunter while in the woods with my sister.

Floyd : Cracked my skull open at the pool, lost consciousness for a few seconds and woke up in the water calling for help, then got confused on why I was calling for help.

Bonus : A Sea lion once came up to me while I was scuba diving and did little circles, bumped its snout on my mask and just followed me the whole time in a very gleeful manner as a temporary homie.

Bonus 2: Apparently ate / took bites of my moms library books as a little kid (????) according to the librarian.

Jade: Taught myself to untie my hands with my hands behind my back, tie by hands behind my back with my hands behind my back, deciphered, translated and memorized a fictional hieroglyphic language, Read from Act 1 to Act 6 of Homestuck, and accidentally discovered how to disguise Chocolate Ice Cream as Pistachio; all within the span of 2 weeks. (I had covid and was A-Symptomatic)

Bonus : Lived in the Woods for 7 months (in total), had a large bag of mica and Almost Drowned in a tent when there was no moving water nor rain. (Basically, I was asleep, Woke up underwater, nearly went back to bed, then shot out of my tent screaming “My Tent Titanticed!” )

(It was like 3 am don’t judge me)

Azul: Somehow ended up with $2200 dollars in $100s in Monopoly at the end of the game. Also have been stuck between two identical twins while talking with both and boi that shits TRIPPY. (I also almost died with them later but it was fine)

Bonus: I lived on a middle of fuck knows where island during the spring and summer up until covid, yet I absolutely despise eating fish or Shellfish, and the smell often makes me nauseous.

(Bonus 2: I love shiny things, but very specifically fancy looking keys. I also had a weird obsession with signing a shiny contract after watching Ariel. Another tiny thing Is I own a Flotsam and Jetsam Scarf which I chuck around when Floyd or Jade pisses me off ingame.)

Kalim : Got distracted by a cool leaf while at a fancy resort in Xatapa, Mexico, and waddled off from my parents and explored around to try and find more, somehow managed to get extremely far and ended up lost in a whole different city for 6 hours while trying to find my way back.

Bonus 1: I had an obsession with Kiwis for awhile as a kid, and our neighbors house had a Pangium tree that reached over to our yard. (It was planted before either families moved in so we didn’t know) I thought it was some kind of strange Kiwi and ate one. I didn’t like it and was like “Oh maybe its not ripe” and waited 3-5 months then tried it again, same reaction, repeat process one more time.

I went to my parents out of curiosity and asked them what it was, and so after some process I am unaware of but I think my mom brought one of the fruits somewhere, we discovered what it was.

Pangium contains Fatal amounts of Cyanide if not properly prepared. I was fine but for the love of anything please don’t try eating it like little me did.

Bonus 2: I’ve Almost died more times than I can count on both hands and feet. Im not an heir or something fancy I just have wackass luck.

Jamil: Once had to talk my sister out of jumping off a tour boat because our cousin dared her to.

Bonus : Managed to make French Toast in the middle of the woods with Dehydrated Milk, Cinnamon, Three Eggs I stole, and a loaf of bread we got once a month. Also made 3 kinds marinated chicken in the middle of the woods.

(My Cooking Style is literally “just trust me bro.” I’m like Lilia except it actually works and is edible)

Epel : Whenever we went applepicking at my Grandfathers house, I’d climb into the trees and throw or pass the apples down. Sometimes I actually wish I could sit in trees more often shits comfy.

Bonus: My Mom was a Champion Horseback Rider as a kid, and sometimes took us to this Ranch I shall not name for my own privacy, but I’d run around with this group of kids and this one herding dog like a damn movie protagonist, sometimes go riding horses, or the one time we stole a tractor and near crashed it (THE REGRETS I STILL HAVE-) etc.

The WHIPLASH from that to going back to a whitewashed Northeast suburban town is insane.

Rook: My Cousins and I, and sometimes the kids at the priorly mentioned ranch, would play the most intense games of manhunt (basically really intense hide n seek at night) ,

I mean wearing camo if you had it, alliances, little dollar store walkie-talkies, code words, binoculars, climbing in trees or hiding in bushes/tall grasses/Hay to “scout”.

I hid in a large pot/vase more than once and another time on a roof, and (ONLY ONCE, DO NOT DO THIS IM STUPID) under a car.

I still remain the top in last man standing points. Mostly bcs I’m stingy with rescues but shhh

Vil - Accidentally poured a lot of liquid eyeliner into my eye, was literally crying out Eyeliner for 30 minutes. Also taught myself to run and jump in heels as a kid because I thought it looked cool in movies.

Ortho : Unknowingly was Hacking my Elementary School Databank for several years,

I genuinely thought it was normal to go on the school website, press a few buttons and be able to find a friends address if I had a playdate and needed to tell my mom where the house was, a parents phone number if needed communication with my friends parents , and mostly ignored the other general info.

I didn’t even know I did this until my dad told me a few months ago that I almost got suspended for it but by the time they found out it was the end of my last year there. ;—;

Edit: I feel I should elaborate that my dad had somewhat recently told me that I almost got suspended for that in elementary school, but all that happened 5 YEARS ago. Hence why I was so surprised because I was never told back then.

Idia: Accidentally acquired both a Nahida and Eula in Genshin and was genuinely annoyed at the time, they are now my most powerful DPS’s…

Bonus : I own a shit ton of original Japanese first edition Pokemon Cards my cousin gave me, (they are probably worth more than me which is neat), and I have a giant pile of Pokemon plushies I have infact fallen asleep on or in on multiple occasions.

Bonus 2: I was playing Breath of the Wild, and my very first thing I did after getting off the plateau was beeline for the castle. I actually got all the way up and took out 2 blights but the Wind one kicked my ass.

Bonus 3: Got confessed to and asked out by a guy I did not like nor knew very well, and I panicked, said “Maybe, Sorry no.” And ran into a wall. Also have crawled through a chute to avoid an awkward situation as a kid (do not recommend its dusty and definitely not safe)

Bonus 4: Once didn’t sleep for 5 days.

Malleus : Accidentally attended a Private Party and a Private Funeral in the same week. I was not invited nor knew anyone present. Stayed there for most of it because I was too nervous to say I wasn’t supposed to be there. Whoop.

Bonus: Got nicknamed the “Trip Curse.” By my Old Dormmates because everytime I went on a trip with them everything seemed to go to shit or get hella chaotic.

Bonus 2: Another camping one: Once woke up at night with a shit ton of fireflies just chilling in my tent. It was serene but also I genuinely thought I was hallucinating for a few minutes.

Lilia: Literally will hang upside down anywhere I can, its so fun bro.

Bonus : I know an extremely large amount of useless historical information, and once genuinely realized I know more about poison than what flour and eggs are used for in baking.

Silver : Once befriended a wild horse ( Im like 90% sure he was a Chestnut).

I called him Clover the Dog like horse because he was honestly just a golden retriever in the body of a horse.

This is great and theres alot of sweet moments, but then theres the times you have a giant horse galloping full speed at you for attention or trying to nudge you affectionately and nearly pushing you into a creek in the process.

Sebek: Got groundstruck by lightning once. Also I am often told I have a loud voice.

Che’nya : a good friend of mine and I have an inside joke at school where if we see eachother through a window (my school has alot of indoor windows for some reason?), we’ll text the other “Behind you.” Or “To your left.”

——————-

Theres more things I can think of but I have run out of characters and this is getting too long, so ye!

[jane-john-doe-tournament]

Jane Doe (Ride the Cyclone) Propaganda:

Great singing, also she’s literally wearing a doll‘s head bc she lost hers

do they have their soul or is it rotting somewhere with their head?

BALLAD OF JANE DOE IS SO SAD AND SHE IS GREAT AND I ONLY WATCH RTC ONCE BUT SHES NY FAVE OK

cool asf

She forgets her name after her death and has no story told in the production

She's so sweet and deserves the world. Her song (The Ballad of Jane Doe) is great.

the song goes so hard just listen to her song guys please

she literally died and her head was cut off so nobody could tell who she was PLEASE let her take one (1) W

BECAUSE SHE IS AMAZING. First she already won the tournament in the musical to regain life, as she won them over with her sad wet cat energy because she did not have a head and feared that she lost her soul. Second, she died on a roller coaster and lost her head, but stole her doll's head and thats very gender. Third, throughout the musical she is used as a vessel for religious allegory, she is an angel, she is jesus, she is a demon, she is forsaken but she is purity itself. Fourthly, she is is given the identity of Savannah with the greenest eyes after the other characters who died with her hold her a birthday party, and I think thats sweet because its probably some kind of meaning I cant see but auughfhfhh shes so cool

i mean her name isn't TECHNICALLY jane doe but we refer to her as such. she's so silly!! autism powers! i don't have a lot of propaganda tbh. i would've just been surprised had she NOT been submitted

She lost her head literally when the rollercoaster derailed. She wasn't able to be identified apart from the school uniform she was wearing.

Her name is forgotten, and so is everything about her. So she’s called Jane Doe. She’s very sweet and very creepy, but she doesn’t mean it

and im asking WHYYYYY LORRRRRDDD

I LOVE HER! she died in a roller coaster accident and was decapitated, her body not being found. in the show, her head is actually just her doll’s head. the coroners couldn’t identify her, so she was dubbed a jane doe. in the game to be alive again, she ends up being voted, her name being revealed to be penny lamb. anyways she’s a little creepy and also quite silly and she does her funny little waddle like a porcelain doll (or corpse).

She deserves it! She lost her head she shouldn't lose this too.

Not convinced you didn’t start this tournament just for her tbh

They have a great song and a true air of mystery to them. They also have arguably the best song in the musical, The Ballad of Jane Doe! I would definitely recommend listening to it >:)

—She LOST her HEAD and had it replaced with a PORCELAIN DOLL —In all seriousness her story is really poignant. No one could identify her body so she arrives in the afterlife not knowing her identity and she spends the show vacillating between depressed and angry at her situation, leading to… —“The Ballad of Jane Doe”, specifically Emily Rohm’s version, might be the most haunting solo in musical theatre history.

John Doe (Malevolent) Propaganda:

Spooky gay eldritch disaster (am I doing this right?)

Could have chosen any name for himself and picked John because a kind person called him that :)

fractured piece of an eldritch god that shares a body with a private eye after being fractured. chooses the name John Doe after said private eye goes into a coma

Because he’s an eldritch god who wants to feel human and who overcame a lot of obstacles and dangers!!! He sincerely cares about the main character!!! And he chose a name himself! Isn’t he cute??? He lost his body, he almost lost his memory, he fought for his right to exist, he loves animals, he loves his friend Arthur and I love him!

Being an ass, friendship, spooky supernatural stuff, he’s got it all

My man heard the name John Doe, realized he didn’t actually have a name, and just. Took it for himself.

I LOVE HIM. MY SON. HE’S TRYING TO CHANGE AND BE BETTER AND :(((( He’s a fragment of the soul of the King in Yellow (god of trickery and suffering iirc??) that gets trapped in a book in our realm while the rest of the King stayed in his own separate realm. When a human named Arthur Lester opens the book they get linked and John gains control of Arthur’s eyes & kills his partner (oops!). They proceed to go on a quest to find a way of separating them because neither likes the situation, and at first John (or The Entity, which is what he’s called at first) just wants to trick and use Arthur, and control his entire body (through the first season he also gets a hand & a foot) even though he doesn’t remember being The King In Yellow at the time, but Arthur makes him change and become more human. His turning point is when Arthur is shot and falls into a coma for a month. They get treated at a hospital and while John waits for Arthur to wake up so they can carry on, the body itself still gets taken care of. The time John spends alone, contemplating on humanity & everything he’s seeing and learning from Arthur, as well as the way a certain nurse speaks to him every day (specifically, she greets him good morning and good night, despite the body being unresponsive, John still hears because he is an entity linked to the body) and calls him John (they didn’t have ID on when they were found so they were classified as John Doe), changes his outlook and plans for good, and he asks Arthur to call him John; from this point on he admits he cares for Arthur, looks for his wellbeing too, and in general attempts to be a better person and to live for himself. The rest of the podcast (ongoing!!) explores Arthur & John’s relationship, struggle to survive, adventures in the eldritch… All while tackling each of their issues with themselves and each other and watching them both grow. John in specific learns to be the person he wants to be, how sometimes you’ll take a step forward and two backwards; he can be cruel and manipulative sometimes but he still tries. Personally I love his journey, it’s very realistic and you can see he is trying his best, and how he wants to be better than he was as the King In Yellow, and how much Arthur has changed him and how much he cares about him because of that; and how he’s slowly growing into being his own person :) if it ends badly ill cry so hard but!!! he’s John Doe because that’s the name he was being addressed as, and he’s made it his, and being John means he’s no longer the King and that he wants to be different, and John can fail or make mistakes but it’s part of who he is now, and that’s what matters. I am So Normal About Him

JOHN DOE (Malevolent) SWEEP

OH MY GOD JOHN DOE MY BELOVED 💛💛 (watch me just not clarify that would be so funny ahah) John doe (Malevolent) 💛💛💛 my silly He's so funny he makes Arthur bump his head into a dock because he didn't say duck in time and then laughs at him 💛💛

[communistkenobi]

sorry im at work scrolling your blog its 3 am this is incoherent and u may disregard but anyway ive not seen the acolyte but ur jedi post made me think... like jedi rly dont have a choice in being jedi right it literally isnt a choice. its not even for luke even tho he was an adult when the choice was offered to him bc obi wan kind of manipulated him into alla that like he wasnt offering any other choices. you can be a jedi just like your father (my master coerced your father into becoming a jedi but ignore that). its framed as the only choice. and its so annoying sw actually that they dont explore that maybe they do in the acolyte ive not seen it maybe i should manny jacinto seems to be in it. anyway. sw doesnt explore that the jedi actively supress there being any other choice for force sensitive kids, a way for them to remain with their families and loved ones and not become tools of the state... the church of the force stuff is so intetesting in r1 and its not rly expanded on bc chirrut and baze do seem to still be monks but maybe its a different vibe. theyre clearly allowed attachments maybe its a different philosophy that the jedi seem to have actively steered ppl away from. u have to think about the purpose of all of this as well bc the jedi are so highly militarized so u have to think it serves a political purpose as well as a religious one to tame them away from not only their families but their cultures bc this way theyre only loyal to the jedi and the jedi only answer to the senate! does this make sense. revelations of an addled mind. i think its less useful to think of the jedi as a cult and more useful to think of them as a military police who are based around religion (which is basically christianity im.not gonna get into how i think actual buddhism could be better explored in star wars)

no literally like star wars demonstrates that there are so many ways to use the force outside of the Jedi/Sith dichotomy but the Jedi are also like the ones who gained the most power and prominence throughout most of galactic history (iirc? I don’t know a lot of old republic canon). so like there is clearly something very effective in the way they build and maintain institutional and political power and that is almost certainly tied to the lack of choice that initiates are given when joining the Order. like you systematise recruitment by making it mandatory. it’s like a specialised state-sanctioned version of standardised education. which is coooooool it’s cool I love that shit so much like the debate about them being evil or not is so boring like idc it’s cool that there is this ancient order of force users who basically monopolised the way the force is used in most of the galaxy and this monopoly also led to their downfall when they became a formal military organ of the republic. that’s sooo fucking sick

[noihavenosanitythanksforasking]

tldr: the story of how i figured out im gay and why i relate to byler so much. aka why its good rep

this was not supposed to be this long

my best friend doesnt like stranger things bc she thinks the metaphorical texture of the show is gross feeling(valid) but she follows me on here and has had to block the byler tag bc its all i post about these days and shes not into it.

anyways it made me think about why i love byler so much and it definitely has to do with the fact that as a queer person i relate super heavily to their story. being gay is way more acceptable now and i was born in 07 so its not like its was considered a death sentence to be gay in general. however i grew up in the classical church. my mom was part of a religious cult in highschool and i was my parents first kid and they were super protective of me. Im also autistic and i spent most of my childhood very worried about doing and acting the right way to make people accept me. my parents favorite story to tell people about my childhood is that when i finally graduated my crib and got a toddler bed they were worried that i would never let them sleep again. that didnt happen tho, in fact i refused to get out of bed with out express permission and would lay there until they came told me i could get up.

id like to say that i was homophobic growing up but not in the traditional sense. it was more that i was actually afraid of gay people. No one around me ever really said anything blatantly homophobic or had radical ideas about the subject but we were so deep into the church and i was always afraid of everything. when i was in elementary school we would do drills. call and response cult like stuff. theyd ask us to define sin and wed spout off this memorized line about going agaisnt gods will in action or thought or intention. i didnt even know what a gay meant until i got to middle school and the entire idea terrified me. because thats not allowed and when someone brings it up all the adults get that one look on their face and the pastor says that homosexuality is a sin or wtv.

i had this one friend, lets call her jane, at the time. i really liked her but she was kind of a delinquent, she didnt have the best home life and she was kind if an angry kid so when she came out to our friend group as bisexual in i think 7th grade, we (the rest of the group was v religious ) were concerned about it but not really surprised. we werent supportive but we werent angry either. it was more like we werent sure what to do. she had always been a problem child so it didnt seem to out of the blue for someone like her to like girls so we just kind of tried not to talk about it again.

I was a pretty big drama kid at the time( still am) (i swear i have a point to this) and i became friends with this one girl. lets call her belle. anyways i reallllyyyy liked belle i dont think i had a crush on her but i thought she was really cool and fun and liked hanging around her. we werent really close much to my past and present dismay but when i did hang out with her i always had a fun time. a few years later she told me that she was bisexual. this pretty much broke my little brain. because belle was cool and fun and normal and it was the first time when i realized that maybe there was something wrong with the way my church worked. they had to be wrong because there was no way belle was evil and going to hell. i loved being friends with her and i couldn't accept the fact that her liking girls changed anything. she still felt like the same person. still the topic was terrifying to me, i was so afraid that i was wrong or maybe just not smart enough to see the truth. so many people around me that i grew up being told knew what was right, knew what god was telling us said that it was wrong so maybe i just didnt get it. maybe i wasnt close enough to god to understand what made gay people so bad. still something changed from then and the next year i ended up being close to this girl, lets call her beth, (all my other friends had either moved on or were on different sides of our grade and tbh i was terrified of her but i had no one else). Anyways beth also had a crazy homelife she talked a lot about how she hated her family and how she would kill her dad if she could. she also ate highlighters, just drew on her tongue, and sold pictures of her feet on instagram to make money. needless to say as soon as i hit highschool i never spoke to her again, she freaked me out. anyway one day me and beth were walking at recess and she turns to me and tells me that im gay. i knew she was pan at this point and i didnt really care though looking back on it she was definitely flirting with me. I got freaked out and told her there was no way i was gay and assumed that she just wanted me to like her back but id had a crush on a guy before so i couldnt be gay.

speaking of this guy, he sat next to belle in my science class in 6th grade. i sat behind them and they were good friends. we were sort of a trio in that class and i thought he was really nice and funny. he was the first guy id ever been friends with and i assumed that the fact that i enjoyed hanging out with him and having fun meant that i must have a crush on him. because girls and boys cant just be friends. thats what everyone always said at least. one day we were texting and he told me that he liked me and wanted to go out. i csnt describe the feeling i got then. it was this werid mix of anxiety and fear and knowing that i should be excited but instead i was disappointed. and i didnt know why. i told him i wasnt allowed to date til 16 and if he still wanted me then whe could date then. i cried about it for almost a year. which doesnt make any sense because i rejected him not the other way around. but i felt heartbroken. im still not really sure why.

when beth told me i was gay i p much told her to f off in the most good christian way possible but i still thought about it. the idea felt so overwhelming and i couldnt think about it without wanting to have a panic attack so i stopped thinking about it. then i had a gay dream about jane and honestly i should have figured it out then but somehow i completely disregarded.

i changed schools for high school so i was with a lot of new people. i wanted a fresh start. at the time i felt like id been pretending to be someone else for my whole life and i hoped that starting over would help me find myself or something. I always sort of knew i was different from other kids i never felt like we had much in common or something but i could never put a finger of what it was (it was the autism). when i started highschool my main goal was to make friends on my own and conquer my social anxiety when had been crippling throughout middle and elementary. i ended up meeting this girl, lets call her cassie, (so many people ikik) and we became super close. she had a lot of issues as well bc apparently i attract unstable people. she was by far the worst id dealt with though. she was suicidal, ocd, anorexic and hurt her self a lot. it was a very codependent friendship but we were attached at the hip. she was my whole world at the time, nothing else really mattered more than her not killing herself. one day we were texting after midnight and she told me that she thought she might be bisexual and i told her a didnt care. i really didnt care i was more worried about her killing herself. she said she had a crush on someone but wouldnt tell me who and i let the topic die.

then heartstopper came out on netflix and i got DEAD sick. i couldnt even speak. it was very bad. anyways i had a computer at this point and was looking for something to watch. i settled on heartstopper because id heard so many good things about it and i was morbidly( at the time) curious. i watched the entire show in one sitting. i was scared my mom would find out and when she did find out she gave me this hesitant look and said she didnt love the idea of me watching that kind of stuff. i watched it anyways. i was mesmerized dude. the scene of nick nelson in his bedroom, on the verge of tears searching the internet for anwsers was so powerful to me and it was like something clicked in my brain.

what if i am gay??

id never let myself actually ask mysrlf that before. id never dared to even think it was a possibility because of course im straight. id know if i liked girls. but i sat there dead sick and dying slowly and looked over at my book case at all my favorite books. i looked up on youtube how to tell if your bisexual (bc ofc i like guys duh) and it said something about thinking about how you feel about fictional characters and i sat and i thought. it was a very overwhelming week. i thought back to middle school and the strange possessiveness i had over my best friend at the time, the feeling of hurt i always seemed to have when she hung out with someone else. i hated that part of myself. i felt validated in my feelings at the time but i never knew why i felt that way and it felt unfair to her.

at the time i was talking to a guy. he was nice and pretty chill but i sort of knew i didnt like him the way he liked me. i wanted to though. i wanted to like him so freaking badly. so i kept taking to him. id be on the phone with him for 5 hours just talking about nothing and tell myself that this was what its like to like someone. it wasnt a bad experience, he was nice and i liked to talk to him. but i didnt have feelings for him. one night i texted cassie back and told her that maybe i was bi too. she was from a christian household too and we talked for a while one what we should do.

my parents have always had this policy of being honest with each other when sometbing happens in our lives. which i think is pretty normal but my autistic ahh took it very seriously. almost as soon as i started questioning i told them. bad idea, was not ready. i was so scared that somehow theyd look at me and figure out that i was thinking about it, and that theyd be mad that i didnt talk to them about it. i said it at dinner and there was legit forks dropped. my mom took me on a 2 hour long walk to try and explain myself which was HELL because i couldnt even understand what was going on.

"why do you think you like girls??"

"idk"

they eventually dropped the subject.

soon after that me and cassies relationship started to get werid. after being so codependent for so long we had thsi strange sort of toxic need for each other to be sane or something. she confessed that she had a crush on me and i really wasnt sure how to feel about it. she was so important to me and the trauma and confusion and drama of our friendship got all jumbled in my head and we fell into some sort of homo romantic something. we never did anything besides holding hands a few times, but we did that before either of us came out anyways. we went to summer camp summer after freshmen year and shit really hit the fan and we ended up having a friendship breakup. she told me afterwards that she was a devoted christian now, that god had saved her from herself and that now she was straight. i was really lost the rest of that summer. i wasnt sure what to do at all, who i was or what i was supposed to do now that i left the person i had dedicated the past year of my life and my mental health too. i was really suicidal for a few months after that but slowly i got better.

second semester of sophomore year i had my first real crush on one of my close friends at the time. she was straight which sucked but those 6 months of my life were some of the most terrible exhilarating experiences of my life. thats how i knew i wasnt wrong. bc theres no heterosexual option for wanting to make out with a girl in a dirty school bathroom stall.

it was hard though, being in love with someone you know will never feel that way about you. even if at the time i had mostly gotten over the majority of my internalized homophobia theres still that feeling of guilt. you feel so gross and creepy and unwanted. this person doesnt want you, they dont even want your gender but you cant let it go. its a very lonely feeling.

it was around the same time that i figured out that i was a lesbian. after i felt what it was like to like someone, really like someone. to be able to identify that feeling as romantic feelings, it was pretty obvious that i didnt like guys. i felt really bad about the guy i was talking too. he had no idea and id just heen leading him on for almost a year. i felt super shitty about it.

idk if that was coherent but i guess thats why i love byler so much. it feels so raw and real to me. i watch the van scene and i see myself. i see how hard it was and how much i hated myself and wanted so badly to be normal and to be able to talk about boys with my friends without feeling uncomfortable. i see the way mike is with el and i see myself with that boy from middle school. so desperate for affection and so so confused. this feeling of guilt and regret, the heartbreak of loosing someone that you couldve had but you dont want. i want to want it but i dont and its so heartbreaking.

i almost think its a worse feeling that being broken up with. i fell in love with a girl recently and she ended up ending things. i was super upset about it cried for a long time. but still. its not the same hurt. it hurts but its not the same deep primal hurt. sitting on my bathroom floor at 13 years old sobbing my eyes out because im not with a boy that i rejected. wishing that things were different but not wanting to actually change. i broke my own heart and i didnt even mean too

[szilverer]

hewwo

made this blog primarily to dump oc content & maybe liveblog a bit (its my first time engaging in a fandom space like this so im pretty lost, do lemme know if i mess up with tagging or etiquette or smth. more about me here.)

my main FL acc (Hreisz) is from 2016 but i only really started playing last august! ive finished my ambition in october but theres still a lot i dont know about the lore n stuff. recently made two alts & am slowly getting around to write/draw nice profile pages for everyone.

"H. Reisz", aka The Twilight Phantom // The Clawed Captain | LF (Looked Upon Fondly) | Oneirotect Silverer | ???

Hyacinthe R., aka The Sombre Pursuer | Nem | future Correspondent & Seeker | English-Romanian

"Zé Brito" or "Sev", aka The Zealous Backlander | BaL | future Monster-Hunter | Mixed Brazilian-British

feel free to send a CC or even just random in-character letters & menace help reqs :3c im a lil rusty but i'd love to write more

always open to asks/interactions here as well, just keep in mind i might take A While to respond as i am but an hermit with the barest of executive functions

trying to use this hyperfixation to practice digital art so there'll be random experimental doodles here as i try to find out wtf i am doing. everytime i open a canvas its a surprise. youve been warned

tags:

#chaindoodles -> art tag, #chainrambles -> text tag #fl liveblogging, #flore (fl lore)

#the twilight phantom -> the (main) blorbo

#nightmarriage -> my blorbo hoards trash. block this to be spared from witnessing their arguably most questionable decision (i.e chaining their stalker to themself so they won't be alone)

content warnings:

#light fingers spoilers (also general tag for LF) #nemesis spoilers, #evolution spoilers

just to be safe, i tag eyestrain/bright colours for some art.

#suggestive in case i draw (or write?) smth that can be perceived as saucy, spicy, horn knee, overtly kinky or implied nsfw. there wont be anything Actually explicit here though

i like #blood and injuring my characters both mentally and physically. so uh. that. possibly violence.? jokes aside, i like exploring heavy themes: mental health & psychological issues; abuse; general horror; death & grief; alienation; one's relationship with pain & self-destruction, intentional or not - these are all concepts that are gonna be present in the things i make one way or another. some mild religious iconography as well bc although im not religious i was raised catholic & i like playing w/ the aesthetic.

#body horror (mostly the shapeling arts kind)

??

#poor edward

So who's this "Twilight Phantom"?

I play a strict game with myself when it comes to my main blorbo: 99% of what the FLPC does, in the exact order i do it, is canon. This applies to small things like their possessions/wardrobe, for example - they pretty much only have the in-game items i own in the account to wear.

finding out reasons to explain why they keep the things they own, and why they don't just buy more clothes in-universe is part of the fun. (this game made them out to be a weirdo, naturally.)

It's been lots of fun to see this clean slate (and i do mean clean - i knew nothing about the setting/lore, or who they were as a person, so. well. this guy didn't either) get shaped by RNG, the narrative, And my mechanical wiki-fueled optimization decisions.

another extra rule i made for myself as a treat was making them a sponge to compensate for their inherent emptiness. this means they incorporate something from each important NPC they get involved with. they are a singer because of Clara and her twin. they only own a lab & got interested in research bc of Dr. Vaughan. they got a taste for exercise bc they accompanied Hephaesta's workouts for so long. and so on and so forth.

ill make a better, dedicated profile post eventually but for now have a playlist + an old vague intro + some early refs below:

[last updated: never. this is my self-callout to write abt recent developments bc ohh boy evolution was an entire year's worth of timeline progression.]

The first thing you notice about them is the cowl lazily draped around their head and shoulders, swaying behind their back like a cape in the colours of sunrise-- or, perhaps most familiarly, the velvety twilight that the newest star every so often provides to London.  The second thing is the deep scars covering one side of their face, and the third thing would probably be the heavy eyebags under their sharp, dark eyes.

A relatively freshly-minted Silverer, H. Reisz spends more time in Parabola than London nowadays. Not that they had been in London for too long anyway, and it's not like anyone knows where they were before that either. The surface, yes, but it's a big world out there, right? They don't actually remember seeing the sun, or the sky, but H cannot deny the soft colours of twilight and sunrise have a special place in their heart. They recognise it without the memory of experiencing it, just like they recognised love in the depths of a certain Labyrinth. Hmm, two Labyrinths, actually. There was that one heiress too... and the Orphanage was inside one hell of a maze too... if they had a coin every time they found themself inside labyrinths, they'd... Uh, where were we? Well, anyway, being a new face, they had nothing to be known for so they simply gave out their surname instead. Or well, what they assumed to be their surname. "H. REISZ" were the letters sewn-in on a diminute corner of the tattered black veil that wrapped their head back when they woke up for the "first" time. They were surrounded by near-empty bottles of dried mouldy honey, absinthe, and who knows what else. Ah, the decadence... they couldn't even remember what honey could do at the time but they could recognise the stench of self-destruction right away, haha.  Alas, if things were so bad they got to that point-- maybe this explains why moving on was so easy. Maybe they had somehow lobotomized themself on purpose. Who knows? They sure don't. It was only now, a year or so after waking up, that an epithet has started to stick around-- specifically by their actions as a Silverer and the services they provided. From nightmare-slaying to fishing out vestigial memories (the irony of an amnesiac doing this is not lost on them) to guiding and safeguarding lost dreamers, their glimmering signature cowl and the way it flowed rather phantasmagorically in Parabola started to leave an impression. To many dreamers, seeing a hint of pastel twilight colors signaled safety. It signaled someone you could trust to get inside your head. :)

[pumpkinsy0]

twttin characters (and rusty james from rumble fish lol) in my early 2000s au :3

cathy: im gonna tell yall RIGHT now, she goes by “cat”, i cannot explain it to u but she just DOES to me, nobody rlly knows her as cathy shes just,,,cat, shes that kind of girl that always has a camera in her hand just taking pics of whatever and she posts it on flickr, she loves photography, shes always wearing those milkmaid tops or big sweaters with bell bottom jeans, and her hair is short, think of those teen movies w that “down to earth pretty chill w her walkman” girl and thats her, she was prolly watching those mlp tribute vids on her family computer, she thinks its cute, she loves collecting pins n stuff, she loves friends (the show)

m&m: gonna b so honest w u, m&m just seems so timeless to me i dont rlly have much to say for him bc i think he’d act the exact same way no matter the time period, BUT some things i can add is that he really likes the teenage mutant ninja turtles and loves comic books so theres that, hes a bit of a collector of just about anything and so cathy takes pics of his room a lot and post it on flickr so theres that, he’d be in the family computer quite a bit and since in the early 2000s barely any adult knew how to use the computer he was just on there goin crazy in chatrooms on some odd ass forum talking about figurines or somethin, god bless his soul, always has cathy’s walkman and gameboy she never gets to use them but its ok, she lives her bro, he loves pokemon and has a card collection in his binder

mark: he makes fun of ppl who use the internet (in the early 2000s the internet was seen as a more of a niche interest and it was associated with like geeks/nerds n stuff) and video games (cough cough m&m cough), literally all he watches is adult swim if not, he loves wwe, that guy whos always in a skatepark despite never??? skating???? he just has a bit of friends there and hangs out w them a but, BUT he does have a bike he uses as transportation and can actually do some pretty cool tricks like my god i cant even hate, has 1 snapback hat he wears religiously, has a bunch of posters of half naked women on his side of the room

bryon: he has so many things from abercrombie and fitch, hollister, american eagle, hes THAT guy good lord, he would be a bit into basketball, i could see that, watches myv just to be judgey but also bc pretty girls on tv, watches jackass w mark, has a playstation 1 he just NEVER touches, has THE SMALLEST interest in video games like halo and grand theft auto, action movies are his thing, if u wanna see an action movie hes the guy

rusty james: thinks hes sooooo grown for watching adult swim, he and “thinks its for losers”, hes that guy thats into bmx sports, steals a ton of magazines on it, HATES boy bands but is like “if i was in one the girls would LOVE me”

[kaoharu]

how would you rate every a' song & ciel song ever! looks

yippeeeeeeeee !!!!!! heart heart

ill start with ciel bc he has less songs lol

Ache&Deny – worlds most predictable baby ( me ) ok anyways im just a reallly big sucker for kenns vocals in this song. the guitar Also gets me so bad really fucked up how its Always there . even when the loud drums come in . eheh :my eyes tear up: i dont have any comments for the lyrics unfortunately ( mg illness doesnt allow it . . . )

Heaven's Door – i really like the instrumentals for this song also . also always a big fan of when lyrics reference religious concepts and stuff like literally wahtever ( htis is just like hanadoll . sorry )

BLACK ANTHEM – religious concepts again. hi i think hes so interesting stares off into space did you know that die fledermaus is thw name of a german operetta . which im pretty sure is why in the intro ( and the instrumental breaks ) there is the opera like singing. so cool right thumbs up emoji

LUV (Your) StiNG – i just think he sounds really good in this one . no further comments :scratches head:

Vibes – i actually reallly lvoe the lyrics of this song it sucks i cant place it higher . sinc ehe only has five songs. bursts into tears sorry ok also random but it just feels really criminal for vibes ro be last. i love this song i just love the others more for various reasons waaaahhhhh

aaaand for a' 👍 im so excited for his headliner release in :checks calendar: october . strained smile

Pinch102gou – worlds most predictable baby pt2 ( its still me ) i dont even have a really good explanation other than the instrumentals have kept me captive for literally forever. oh yeha and i rlly kimuryos vocal performance its very cool . . . the lyrics are ❓️ if im being honest.i still dont know what he meant but its fine. i like it i dont have to understand

SorakaraHuruYume – this song makes me want to shatter into ten billion pieces i have a hard time listening to it purely bc it makes me stupidly emotional whej i thinkna little too hard in fact i havent even fully listened to it in a while bc i keep skipping and avoiding it cause i get really sad LMAO im ill

THE MIRROR HOUSE – this peaked i love it veryvery much the contrast between it and sorakarahuruyume is wild to me. anyways tho i like to look at the lyrics and jst sit down and think a bit its his second song talking abt mirror images . . . hrmmm

Kamukamu Miracle – I LOVE THE LYRICS FOR THIS SONG. theyre truly as fun as the instrumentals if we ignore his mental health streaks . its season one :] hes just a sillyguy :] and whatnot anyways this is Truly a nsfw song to me heart heart

RE:Morse – big fan of mirror imagery and stuff. i feel liek the lyrics here are an interesting glimpse into how a' views himself and his issues . . . . not rlly sure how to articulate my thoughts on this aside from theyre just kinda Separate from his identity raaaahhh what am i saying

Dakara Onegai Dakara – this song fucks i think it should be listened to more 👍 the lyrics are surprisingly ( or not rlly surprisingly bc this is a' afterall ? ) serious despite his instrumental whimsy what do you mean do you want to kill yourself why are you asking us man /silly

Masaka no Massacre! – worlds biggest sin is that i have literally never been able to find a tl for this song. who cares tho ig it can still be peak to me

Papipupepo de Rarirurero – no one loves this song like me. itd be second place if not for factoring in lyrics . the lyrics are ok papipupepo and rarirurero are really fun to say tho and i can spell it out without having to double check myself anymorw . heh

Yoiyami ni ainori – i looooove how this song sounds . nodding the lyrics are also interesting to me with the various meanings of some phrases in it

Crazy≒Nutrient – i rlly like how it sounds. im not gettung into the lyrics :seal eyes:

#HAPPY – the lyrics for this song are really sweet to be honest. a' happiness ambassador . . . . . . . . . . . . . . i like this song 👍 to be honest maybe it shld be a little bit higher but the instrumentals dont strike me as much as some of his other songs and such . but yes i think everyone shld read the lyrics nodding

Calling Cat – everytime i listen to this song i think of lady gaga im sorry anyways its a very solid song tho i think the lyrics are an interesting read . glimpses into his strange as fuck mind as they say(?)

Ningen Yametatte yo – this song is Very heavy instrumental wise. i think it is neat still . . . yeah :]

Yotsuba CLOVER – i wish i liked this song more like. its very good its jusr surprisingly not up my alley . the lyrics are quite nice however so hearttt

Mirai e – this song is alright . j feel like id like it more if i cld find a tl for the lyrics WAAAAHHHHH anyways not too much to say i feel like unfortunately. i do like the music break its very fun sounding everything else was just Average for me. is this mean

S≠O≒S – waaahhh. i have a complicated relationship with this song. i think the lyrics are ok and the music is fun but i juust feel like his other songs are Better im sorry sos i still like you

KKK->E – another one i cant find a tl for my misery but its ok 👍 this one is a weaker a' song imo like i like it but its not very nsfw soundign thay sounds awful hello . you know i mean it just doesn't sound like their bands usual music to me

[is-that-plural]

urgh not to feed into the whole demonization stuff but postal dude from the POSTAL game franchise is plural coded (and i am allowed to say this having DID.. bc i get so mad when singlets say he has "split/multiple personality disorder" (also bc its the outdated name) but when i see someone who is a system say he is im likd. YES (also most of the time those people who claim MPD on him are doing it to demonize the disorder and add nothing else.. like no nuance or whatever at all or deep discussion) GOING TO RAMBLE SORRY (should also probably content warn. postal is a pretty violent/graphic/dark humor franchise so theres gonna be bringing up of violence and guns, and also some semi disturbing imagery?? mostly it just being eerie, demon visuals, and scopophobia).. oh also religion trauma talk ALSO SPOILERS FOR POSTAL 1997 (?) AND POSTAL BRAIN DAMAGED!!! -------------------------------------------------------------

so, in POSTAL 1 (1997), theres this whole thing where, if you look at postal dude's voicelines from Rick Hunter, iirc (my memory is a bit rusty) theyre labeled with "demon", and his death/pain sounds are voiced by Vince Desi and arent labelled as such. its also heavily implied that postal dude is TERRIFIED and scared, but then his voicelines are him making snide and mocking remarks. it has been implied that he may be "possessed by a demon" but also that he has multiple mental conditions.

now, in POSTAL: Brain Damaged, this becomes extremely obvious. we are now more into the future, and Dude has to fight against other dude inside his own head. Other dude is the "demon" from postal 1997.

(other dude on the left, postal dude on the right.) other dude's speech at the final cutscene, he specifically talks about how they are basically one in the same, while he also cannot be killed or defeated. (and um. after this he gets shot in the head by postal dude, and "dies" but ill get to that.) (i know alter death isnt real, but us, along with other systems weve seen, have said that in headspace , an alter for example may look like they are dead or something happened to them, but that didnt actually kill them and they arent dead. it has been said this is usually a stress thing, or a coping mechanism. we have done stuff like this before.) so i dont believe other dude is dead. ALSO! when postal dude shot him, he brought up not being able to remember things he learned in childhood after that, and his brain was going all dumb,, https://www.kapwing.com/videos/66bab3c776014924d543c4c6 (tumblr wont let me put a video so i hope this link will work!! if it doesnt you can just look up the final cutscene of the game, but like the warnings i put up above they are fighting and he does get shot.) -------------------------------------------------------------- FINAL THOUGHTS my take/headcanon whatever u wanna call it, as a DID system, is that he may have DID or OSDD-1a. but instead of just claiming that and not digging into anything else or finding nuances, here's some other stuff. as a persecutor in our sys myself who also recently fused with postal 1997 being the source, and also our other few postal introjects (a few who are also persecutors), Postal dude and Other dude are system coded. I think Other dude is a mislead persecutor who is fully convinced he is a demon, on top of Postal dude thinking the same about other dude. A big thing that happens with many systems because of trauma, especially religious trauma, is thinking they are possessed (and sometimes even those around the system also calling them possessed,) and because postal dude never got the help they needed, they have some, what i like to call, internalized demonization. the first case we ever see the postal dude is in 1997 (which is also the year the game takes place in and not just the games date), and to my math, postal dude is canonically 53-54 this current year. of course he wouldnt have gotten help, especially how under researched CDDs are still to this day! and i do think they have religious trauma, i mean, the entire thing for postal 1997 is dude thinking he is cleansing the earth for god or something. POSTAL 1997 has "diary entries" (which turn into "war journal" after a bit) and they all have very obvious religious ramblings. so, my conclusion, postal dude has DID or OSDD-1A, heavy internalized demonization, religious trauma, and is system coded. i rest my case. also... just look at this image bro tell me he isnt plural,,

SORRY FOR THIS BEING SO LONG I JUST LOVE TALKING ABOUT THIS and despite this might being seen as demonizing DID, personally i and a few others ive met who like postal and are systems dont see it that way and postal actually makes us feel seen lol

!!! THIS IS BEAUTIFUL THANK YOU FOR THE RANT

a rant is actually Really needed, because i can only do so much research myself on media we're unfamiliar with, so for you all to give your reasoning and explanations is absolutely PERFECT !!

Rating: CASE CLOSED: That Dude is Plural !

[leynaeithnea]

Question

Are there other musicals that you like a lot ? ( If yes you're very welcome to yap about them 🙃 )

Im so behind on musicals ngl lmaooo and none of the ones I've watched ever caused such hyperfocus obsession as Epic, back in 2020 (?) I listened a LOT to hamiltion, its a really great musical, "Who lives who dies who tells your story" still makes me tear up as well as "quiet uptwn", and im still avoiding phillips songs, "Wait for it" is probably one of my favorite songs because a lot of the time I can really relate to Burrs sentiment, and "dear theodorisa" is so beautiful....mmhh, many many good songs there! could probabyl ramble a bunch more abotu them, but my love for them dont reach as deep as for epic i also like some songs from a few other musicals, evan hansen (they accompanied me a lot through 2021) , be more chill, heathers, .....OH yeah i love hazbin hotel, thats a lot of fun, but yeah for those kind of except hazbin bc its a show, i just tend to pick out my favorite songs and im not too much into the rest of them mhhhh besides that Ive been going to musicals and plays with my family for as long as i can remember to some local stages, theres a big-ish small one near my moms where we went regularly for years with elementary school and in private and at my dads we would go to the christmas play/musical almost ever year at the local stage there with my whole family there I miss that tbh, i gotta do that more often since im watching Casper and Mortius a lot right now who do a lot of muscial content im probably going to get to know a few others soon, like hadestown (been aware of it for a while but never really got into it) and SIX Oh I forgorrr, sometime around christmas or so a concept album for a christian musical came out and i was obssessed with that for a week or two, the vocals in that are REALLY good, its called "Of Ashes", and its a retelling of the leper and uh...a story about a whore...? (...yeah no im not that familiar with the bible) im also not that religious or christian but it rly is a great musical and has some amazingggg vocals my obssesion with epic makes me realize i shouldve really been a theatre kid, i was a choir kid up until 10th grade and i really miss that but i rly love acting, i just need a LOT of practice and i also suck at improvisation....im..trying, but its a looot easier when i have a script I can follow, thats why acitng out epic wiht my friend was so fun! bc i knew what was coming and because we didnt really discuss it long beforehand so stagefright and overthinking about being perceived didnt kick in seigjseg ...and it was just the two of us so that helped too...ANYWYA yeah i gotta go to cultural events like choir and theatre stuff soo much often and try to get active in them myself... pfffttt, here i was thinking my response to this would be very short bc "i dont know that many other musicals" .....thank you for the ask 💗

EDIT: the one BIG Stage Musical i watched was "starlight express" as a kid, that was a LOT of fun, i gotta go to one of these again

[gfwooyo]

what do you think of all the 911 negativity? i was so excited about this whole plot but the negativity is kinda bringing me down a little:c

i'm sorry its been getting to u :( i haven't gone into the tag and luckily i haven't seen that much on my dash but when i do honestly i just roll my eyes and keep scrolling bc it all seems so ridiculous. i like staying in my happy bubble and just screaming and throwing up with my best friend bc we could not be more on track for buddie <3

i'm glad ryan's getting to do some lighter stuff this season bc he's been wanting it and i'm thinking s8 he'll get heavier stuff again (hopefully reckoning with his childhood and catholic guilt and sexuality) and i really truly could not care less about the ppl who don't like his storyline rn bc i've been talking abt eddie having trauma from his catholic upbringing for YEARS so this is a massive win for me personally (as a fellow repressed queer latine raised catholic in texas). and marisol well. she's there. but the writers aren't investing any time in making us care about her so i'm not worried abt her sticking around and if all she serves as is a plot device for eddie to confront his religious trauma then i'll deal with having to see them together bc SOMETHING had to be the catalyst u know

tommy's a cool guy and he's sweet and buck likes him so i'm happy he's here while buck finds his sea legs but im not terribly attached and i still believe he's leading directly to canon buddie

and there's a lot of negativity at hypothetical scenarios that could hypothetically happen in the future too it's like. can y'all just unclench and have fun 😭 personally i find it more enjoyable to hope and possibly be let down than expecting terrible things constantly

u just gotta curate your space online, avoid the negative people, and surround yourself with other excited people bc it really is contagious 🫶

[night-dark-woods]

5, 7, 15 for the fic asks!!

thank you!!! this got extremely long.

5. What’s a fic idea you’ve had that you will never write?

oooh hm. idk about Never, but ive been rotating the idea of Chalco and Aunor interacting bc the different ways they orbit around Ikora FASCINATE me, and the things that have been asked of them are very different. it would have to be epistolary i think and while i DO think i have enough primary sources to get their voices and values alright (letters from Aunor etc, and then WQCE my beloved), im not confident in my ability to do epistolary, & also i'd need something specific for them to argue about (that i also am interested enough in to litigate thru character POVs).

i've yet to decide if I'm accepting the TFS ending cutscene panel where Ikora is using strand, bc im suuuper ambivalent on Ikora using any darkness subclass- i need to re-listen to a bunch more post-campaign stuff to see how i feel about it, bc i know she talks to Mara a LOT in mission voicelines, and i think a lot of their past conflict has been over Mara's antipathy towards the Light & focus on balance over sheer faith in the Traveler (not religious Faith-faith, as we've talked abt before, bc i dont think Ikora sees the Traveler as a *god* like Zavala does- it's like gravity or thermodynamics its simply *true,* and can be explained. its not something that requires faith or sacrifice.)

but if i decide to accept that as canon then i think that would make a FASCINATING argument because Aunor has been Ikora's hunting dog for YEARS, cold-blooded killer putting down guardians who fall to darkness, and i think the sheer betrayal (from Aunor's POV) of Ikora changing her position on that would cause SUCH a crisis of faith for Aunor (what does that mean for what she's done in Ikora's name? what does that mean for how she can live with the weight of it?), and i think constrasting that with Chalco being Ikora's right-hand man (her silly rabbit / does she call you that / no) BUT without the blind loyalty that Petra has for Mara ("you are not the queen and i am NOT one of her cadre") could be sooo fun bc it wouldn't be a simple "Aunor mutiny Chalco loyal." i just dont know if Actually Writing it will provide more enrichment for me than just rotating the concept in my head.

that got long!!! and also ive partially convinced myself to work on it eventually lol.

anyway. that's the main one that i can think of, that isnt a "this scenario sounds hot BUT i dont want to write it bc there isnt enough character work to make the logistical nightmare of writing porn worth it" LMFAO

7. How many ideas for fics do you have right now?

5-ish?

- Elsie&Amanda (nicknamed "horsegirl movie but its a robot with dysphoria") where Elsie needs help fixing some part of her body and she can't do it by herself for some reason and then has to deal with the fact that Amanda regards her body with a simple honest appreciation that Elsie will NEVER feel for herself bc of when and how she became an exo!!! her own mother calls her body a "walking lazaretto" and she watched her father die horribly for this technology!!! god!!!

- Ikora's fight with Madhir & how she let him eat her ability to want anything. god. Ikora Rey woman that you are. also inspired by the way the demon works in dunmeshi bc i think the Ahamkara should work more like that. fuck monkey's paw genie trick wishes, getting exactly what you wished for and in doing so losing part of Who You Are is so much better. the Ahamkara aren't evil tricksters they are PREDATORS they are the very tippy top of the food chain and as dunmeshi says. to eat is the sole privilege of the living. there is no moral weight to that no matter how violent and that makes the violence of it far more interesting!!!

- somewhere between 3 and 5 high-concept porn fics, 2 at WIP stage and several that may or may not get written, all Petra-centric bc i (and Jackie) love to put that dyke in situations (all have Mara/Petra/Sjur as a given established relationship, the two WIPs are focused on Mara/Petra and Petra/Sjur & the ones that may just stay as ideas have bonus Petra/Amrita(/other corsairs) & Petra(/Sjur)/Amanda)

15. How do you come up with titles for your fics/chapters?

song lyrics mostly!!! often the one i was listening to a lot while writing/thinking about it, or one that makes me feel like that post thats like "song that reminds me of my favorite character comes on and i make the most unwell expression known to man."

the problem is i want the vibe of the whole song to mostly fit which means i've recently become aware that i nearly exclusively listen to sad music, apparently, bc i could not find a Single Song i like that fit the very fluffy/conflict-free Amanda/Sloane fic i wrote recently, so instead its both a line from the fic and a bit of a pun on the content lol: follow-through (impact play)

[zukkacore]

⭐⭐ pls pls pls share thoughts about who can blame a girl

Thanks so much for this!!! Tbh it's fun to talk abt Who Can Blame a Girl b/c its so short n sweet so it does kinda feel like the one that takes up the least oxygen but i am. proud of it and it is cute but to be fair it also is kinda uncomplicated in my mind so i'll see if i have any thoughts...

(For the record im very "she let me hit b/c i use his pronouns interchangeably" about dyke!Jace. I don't care how she's referred to really. In fact, for most of this i just use he bc idc. In case that's confusing.)

It's a song rec in the notes but actually the inspiration for Who Can Blame Girl is b/c i'd had the song Susie Save Your Love by Allie x n Mitski stuck in head for like forever (That and like A Ton of Chappell Roan) and the song is basically about this girl who is like. In love with her friend who is asking for a ride b/c she needs a break from a shitty boyfriend. Which. Zarajaceporter anyone. I just was really taken with this idea of Zara being very taken by Jace in this kind of... vulnerable, messy, unpalatable state i guess? B/c Jace is so buttoned up and curated at Aguefort. And like. I don't expect everyone to get on the dyke!Jace train but obviously i'm very taken with her and love her she is the soft butch of my life < 3

I guess what i CAN talk about is that. I think it was a fun thought experiment to kinda. Be in Zara's head. I have so much affection for her in canon and i think she just has this very playful, impish, yet ultimately very kind center to her based on how she interacts with Fig that is very heartwarming and as much as i love to torment Jace and put him in Situations, I do think the person who could understand and empathize with his situtation the most truly is zara.

I've talked abt the parallels between Vampirism and Jace in his post shatterstar state. They're both liminal undead existences that are based on this fundamental want that if satisfied would bring harm to others and make the people they love hate them! And like. Zara is very kinda uncomplicatedly Good in FHJY but it was fun to play around with the interiority of a warlock vampire who is in a relationship with a celestial! The whole Thing sort of revolves around this weird unspoken arrangement that concocts out of the blue when Jace calls zara. Zara is all about agreements. Negotiations that you make with the people around you. So when it comes to the gender stuff:

Jace is quiet. “No one would ever want to see that. I—I’m not brave like you, Zara. You’re always you, and—My life is petty, and small, and I—” His voice breaks. “I—I’m comfortable keeping things the way that—” “Hey. You think I don’t make compromises?” says Zara. She's thinking about that word—brave. Jace has no idea what it takes for a vampire like her to "be herself" in a way he imagines. “I make compromises every day.

It's like. This ties so into my belief that pre-shatterstar jace is egoless. He doesn't want to rock the boat. He's comfortable, until Porter comes along. In a way, Zara is unflinchingly herself. She's a hot goth vampire and she's not shy about that. But I think she'd have to reconcile with. Just living in a world that is afraid of her existence. She's free from Jace's POV, but she's not as free as he thinks. She has to be at peace with the idea ther her very existence is just going to be an abomination to some people (and like. It's dnd so i don't know how popular that attitude would be but we have seen religious zealots in text so im sure those people exist). And she's talking about gender stuff but she's also unwittingly kinda speaking to the shatterstar part of his life. Be unflinchingly yourself. You want to live. And sometimes, people will hate you, or you will do harm.

Meanwhile, what is Zara getting out of this time with Jace? Some sort of connection? I think feeling a connection was very thrilling for Jace. That's why he asks, "You felt it, too?" But what does Zara want?

I feel like Zara's motivation is summed up here. Initially, it was curiousity and obligation. She liked seeing him in a state she never had. And he needed a favor, so she felt like she ought to come through. But this is the real reason:

"We can drive for as long as you want. My entire night is free. Obviously"

To me, this is her expressing patience. Patience that she's willing to extend b/c she feels for Jace. But it's also expressing loneliness.

I very much did contrive this bc I'm just a silly billy who has been wanting to write something about Jace n Zara hooking up in a car. And like. I'm cringefail and writing hookups is hard so im always obsessed with what the emotional throughline is for a scene like that and like. I kept coming back to Zara and her celestial lover. I think it's Zara wanting something tangible and messy and faulty.

and yet Zara for a brief terrible moment wants this, with her, over transcendence, over ethereal, ascended, over purity and goodness because this is real , it’s mundane, it’s here , it’s something she doesn’t have to wait for every time her lover comes calling, if anyone knew how desperate Zara truly is they’d never see her the same way again

Like. It's tangible and present and we don't KNOW what a relationship with and angel would be like. But it sounds so... pure. So sterile almost? And textually in FHJY Zara is very mature and healed, but I was like. The idea of a warlock finding a relationship so tantalizing that they would be willing to fuck up their other contracts was just so delicious to me. And Vampires are all about temptation.

Zara can’t help herself, she wants —the same dark want that compels her feed, the same hunger for something she knows is going to destroy her, destroy everyone around her—and seriously, fuck Porter anyway, how could he ever want Jace as profoundly and completely as she feels herself wanting right now,

Like!!!! Yes Zara is better than this but im toxic and want to reduce her to the gutter w the boys! As if it's my fault! I'm not gonna quote the hornier parts but like esp the stuff about like. Zara reconciling with darker wants that—she's not as bad as Porter, but she's a vampire, it's about consumption, about taking, about predation, about desire (it’s also about penetration. lol). She's doesn't let that shit rule her, its there, she does stumble. Like. Was it a good or bad thing that she left it open-ended at the end? I mean. It's good for us for sure. I want them to get into a messy situationship in the wake of Jace's messy breakup with Porter (yes. In my mind this is THEE breakup from IYWD too. The real one).

But like. It was always going to be open ended. Zara did him a favor. This is a contract. There's always a give and take in a relationship. He'll be there for her too at some point. That's how it works.

[k4shibe]

CREEP! — ANDREW KREISS

summary, creepy andrew is obsessed with u :P

content, andrew/gn reader, 18+!!, creep andrew, underwear stealing, masturbating to items, religious mentions, andrew using stuff in a sexual way, no sexual intercourse im too lazy

note, wrote this to cope with losing my idv account and also bc i love sub andrew and writing sub characters 😭

word count, 292

creep! andrew, who at first doesn’t care about anyone, believing that anything or anyone was too good for him, but when he see’s your beauty he knows he wants to be yours.

creep! andrew, who would only give you a couple of glances, or even just imagine you outside of the manor. his thoughts then turned into inappropriate imaginations about you under your clothing.

creep! andrew, who feels ashamed of his thoughts as a religious man. however he still believes that it wasnt really his fault as you were too provocative for him.

creep! andrew, who would sneak in to your room while you go to another one of your matches, immediately going in to your room to steal your underpants as his prize for putting so much effort into figuring out your match schedule.

creep! andrew, who’s dick would get rock hard whenever he saw you bend over to open a chest. trying to get himself together imagining the things he could do to you if the both of you weren’t in a match.

creep! andrew, who would steal the toothbrush you put in your mouth and use it as a sex toy, sticking it up his ass. high-pitched moans being heard from his room with no shame.

creep! andrew, who uses his role as rescuer to get closer and closer to you, even just your scent or a light-hearted “thank you!” with the perfect smile you give him, gives his big dick a embarrassingly noticeable boner

creep! andrew, who would have a collection of things of his you’ve touched, or your items under his bed. like for example, the underpants he got from you? its sticky now, or your toothbrush? the bristles are ruined and it looks abused

[yunwangja]

OH I JUST SAW THE MATHCMAKING THING. i guess i just say stuff abt mysrelgf??? THO MAYBE U KNOW ME A LIL BIT BC IVE INTERACTED W U A LOT. annnyway !

i'm introverted, i talk more if i am with people i'm comfortable with but once i go home i text way less i kinda just am.

i also get really good grades liek i only have a's even tho i am not rly a nerd

i play video games a LOT

i contemplate existence a lot.

i used to edit on ae religiously n had a few editing accounts

my humor is very sarcastic n i have an rbf too so i can be seen as like mean or sth? or just like im done w life lol. also part of my humor is talking up my friends a LOT like i compliment them all the time n like talk like im in love w them lol. sometimes as if i was a desperate ex DO U CATCH MY DRIFT.

i decide i wanna do sports like once a month n then i give up after like a day. in early 2024 i did go to the gym a lot though n i always listened to yeat or travis scott so now whenever i listen to them i feel like im in the gym okay that is short enogh i think! LOL thankkk youuu cant wait to see it :)) and also JS CAUGHT UP W FAULTLINE N ARGHHH i lvoe it sm

HELLO IM SORRY YOU HAD TO WAIT FOR LONG <//////3 I WAS LIKE AFTER I UPDATE FAULTLINE I’LL WORK ON THIS!!!! so here it is, i hope it was worth the wait !!!

ok. yk what i was reading everything u sent and at first i was like maybe kenma? and i as u went on i was like i think u guys would work more as besties. IDK !!!! ur so bff coded i swear </3 ANYWAY.

yamaguchi 6/10. i can see this a lot actually! i think u guys could be besties but can be more than that too :p i can just see him really interested in you and find u super cool !!! u guys would get along. i realized i say this all the time everytime i do this but still. friends to lovers trope def. i think with sports he cen empathize about ur attempts, and i think u’d be the one to teach him abt video games :p he’ll try so hard to be better bc he loves playing w u. he’d blush whenever u compliment him and i think he’d be really so scared to confess !!! when u guys r tgt he’d love to start that animal shelter w u. he’d also like wait for u to fall asleep to tiktok reddit stories then turn em off before falling asleep himself too :p

tsumu 7/10. i think u guys are such a match despite i think him being more extroverted ! bc in that way he can bring u out of ur shell more and also he’d love yapping with you !!! at first i think he’ll think ur super quiet but when u get to know e/o he’d be super into you! literally i think he’d love to do everything u mentioned here. he’d take pride with all of your compliments because i just think he loves getting em. he’d be the type that when u tell him u used to horseback ride he would immediately look for sum stables because he just wants to see it in action. he’d also try to look up ur old edits and rate them LOL

bo 7/10. man i just know. I JUST KNOW BO WOULD LOVE YOU. you guys will never stop talking to e/o. he’d tell u everything, u will tell him everything. he’d fall asleep WITH U while listening to tiktok reddit stories. would ask help from u w studies and he’d be like “pls help me coz ur smart :(“ and u’d think its ridiculous lol idk fr tho! i think u’d like to tease him though and he’d always fall for it but when he realizes ur just joking or wtv he’d be like “oh! great! :D” would absolutely start an animal shelter with u. he’d be like omg that will be our bucketlist. he would also contemplate existence w u, that’d be like a typical night w him.

iwa 6/10. ok i think this would also be an opposite attracts typa thing. he’d be super interested in you at first but he’d try to be lowkey abt it. always gets flustered when u compliment him, would try to get u into sports too then sigh when u give up the next day LOL. he’d try to be ur “coach” me thinks :p i think he’d respond well to ur humor? he’d play video games w u, at first he’d be competitive but eventually he’d calm down a little and let u win. i dont know how competitive u are but if u wont let that u’d dare him and he’d get affected then itll turn into a whole ass marathon 😭 he’d be supportive of the things u like, he’s like ready to help u even make ur dreams come true :p he’d always listen to ur yapping never interrupt then quietly like say his response to everything in one long yap as well mwehehe. when u start contemplating existence he’d be like ??? at first then slowly be like “well.. yeah…”

[marzzthehuman]

🧃🍜📚🎬📺

sorry im just really curious ,:3

uwaahhh!!! yaayayyy

🧃- uhh favorite cold drink hmm. maybe like soda?? or water. or apple juice but maybe not? I'm still not over the time I drank a bunch of it after learning a dance that was too much. I think I got sick of the taste lol

🍜- hmm my favorite dish is probably this soup (okay had to Google for this) It's the "One-Pot Creamy Lemon-Dill Chicken Soup with Couscous & Scallions" from a hello fresh meal my dad got once. (we don't get hello fresh anymore my dad just saved the recipe cards lmao) idk I just really like it. (we cant have it anymore bc according to my stepmom 'its not soup season.' cries)

📚- gegegegeggeg favorite book I'm excited. ok here's a few: Hell Followed With Us by Andrew Joseph White, The Spirit Bares It's Teeth by Andrew Joseph White, My Best Friend's Exorcism by Grady Hendrix, The Tunnel to Summer, the Exit of Goodbyes by Mei Hachimoku, and probably some others I forgot.

The books by Andrew Joseph White have gore, homophobia/transphobia, religious trauma, ableism and a lot of other stuff so I would take caution before reading (I also believe there's a warning at the beginning of them, I might be wrong but I hope I'm not?? I don't have them with me rn)

(excuse my bad summarizing lmao)

Hell Followed With Us is about a trans boy escaping from a cult but he was chosen to be the savior or whatever so he had this like??? substance?? infection??? (OKAY THANK YOU GOODREADS. its a bioweapon) put in him so he'd become the monster thing its great. (lots of gore, though)

The Spirit Bares It's Teeth (okay sorry if this one is especially bad this book is hard to descirbe) is about an autistic trans boy who wants to be a doctor ?? I think there's this whole setting thing with ghosts and stuff (its pretty cool I just don't know how to describe it lmao) basically he's put in an arranged marriage and was diagnosed with 'veil sickness' so he has to go to a boarding school. lots of gore. I don't want to spoil a specific scene but there is gore very much. its a super good book though.. I need to reread it

My Best Friend's Exorcism also has gore in it?? I think?? it gets pretty disturbing so. It's set in the 80's where this girl's best friend goes missing one night and then comes back possessed (obviously, as stated in the title) but no one believes her when she tries to tell people that that is not her friend. her friend gets all evil n shit (I mean she is possessed by a demon)

The Tunnel to Summer, the Exit of Goodbyes is about a boy who hears rumors at school about this tunnel that will grant your wishes in exchange for you getting older. he finds the tunnel and is intrigued. (he also wants to know if it can make his sister come back bc she died in a tragic accident)

and unrelated but I also like the Komi Can't Communicate and TBHK mangas :3

ookay moving on~♪

🎬- MY FAVORITE MOVIE IS SCOTT PILGRIM VS THE WORLD !!!! ITS SO COOL I WATCHED IT WHEN WE HAD A 6 DAY BREAK DUE TO WEATHER IT WA SSOOO COOOL

📺- I don't really watch tv but I like Young Sheldon, the office, and superstore :33

thanks for the ask even though this is super long and the book summaries probably make no sense at all!!!