#/ok going to bed more tomorrow

[andy-clutterbuck]

Years - The Ones Who Live - 1x01

[applestorms]

(tw for extensive discussions of dubiously consensual sexual situations, typical to canon. also spoilers for the decay route update)

honestly, one of the most interesting aspects of andrew's psyche that we get to see in the most recent decay route update to me is his nearly unending hesitancy about having sex with ashley, despite both his overwhelming desire to AND her incredibly blasé, Yeah Sure Let's Do It attitude in response to the question.

while the end of the burial route provides some key insight into ashley's point of view regarding this topic (e.g. if you go with the less enthusiastic/more teasing answer to andrew's question of "we're not like that, right? right??"), and the shots & such ending provides even more intrigue into her motivations, i think that decay presents two key reasons as to why andrew has continued to hold back for so long: his two core conflicting desires, and an inability to see ashley as her own full person. notably, both of these parts can easily be connected to his mother's childhood abuse and parentification of him as well.

with regards to the first point: andrew has two main overwhelming desires at the heart of his character that motivate most of his actions, which unfortunately for him are completely incompatible. andrew wants:

to be a normal, average person-- someone who can hold a steady, respectable job, fit in at the block party BBQs, and not attract any negative attention from the neighbors.

to fuck his sister.

to some degree, you could even read the distinction between the two main routes themselves (burial and decay) to be motivated by whether or not andrew can diffuse the tension between these two wants-- in burial, he gives up on his need to fit in with the rest of respectable society, presumably pushing him more towards the fucking-his-sister route; in decay, he struggles significantly to let go of this desire for normalcy, and the stress almost always breaks him. notably, in neither of these routes can he fully give up on the second desire-- really, his relationship with julia and the rest of his life up til the point that ep1 begins has been about him trying and failing to do so, so this makes sense.

(sidenote: i would also like to clarify that i think the Most key distinction between these two routes comes down to the decision you actually have to make to get one or the other-- namely, whether or not the siblings are able to trust one another. but anyways)

this focus on the first desire for normalcy is also interesting in that it seems to be one of the core desires that renee holds as well, as we see her so happily boast about during their interactions in ep2. honestly i could probably write a whole post about how much andrew (consciously or, more often, not) mimics his mother's behavior and takes on her standards and ideals, but the key point to pay attention to here is the fact that andrew has subsumed his mother's viewpoint in such a way that he is either not fully aware of or simply hasn't questioned in all that much depth yet.

we can also see this with the aforementioned parentifiication, which has really interesting consequences on how much andrew does (not) see ashley as her own autonomous person. pretty much every single childhood flashback we get in 3a shows the same terrible cycle:

andrew is told by renee that ashley is His responsibility -> ashley causes problems on purpose -> andrew takes the fall for her

frankly, we don't even really need that first step for andrew to fully internalize the idea that ashley's actions are His to take responsibility for. the horrible consequences of this are also quite obvious: not only is this pressure to take responsibility for someone else's actions an incredibly unfair burden to put on anyone, much less a kid, but it also continually pushes andrew to see ashley as something less than human, or as little more than an extension of himself rather than her own person.

the main conflict in decay really comes down to this conflicting desire between the two of them, where what both andrew and ashley want above all else is Complete and Utter control over the other-- andrew wanting control because he has again been groomed to see ashley as his full responsibility, and ashley wanting control to assuage her own insecurities and fears about being isolated and hated forever. the more sympathetic throughline underlying a lot of this is that what both of them seem to want is safety, to protect both themselves and each other from any and all situations outside of their control-- though, unfortunately, a lot of times those exact external situations are simply the other acting on this mirrored desire for control lol.

anyways, going back to the sex thing-- since andrew doesn't see ashley as her own person, since he sees her as incapable of taking responsibility for her own actions and therefore as someone who cannot make decisions for herself, due in large part to him automatically transferring this burden to himself, andrew also sees ashley's consent as essentially meaningless.

the more sympathetic reading here is that andrew does genuinely want ashley to be at least kinda into it as more than a manipulation tactic/transactional thing-- but i think it's also equally likely that andrew simply doesn't want to have to once again shoulder the full burden of Committing Incest on his own, and he doesn't trust ashley to ever be even capable of taking the fall for her own actions. the fact that andrew still ultimately sees ashley as Leyley and NEVER as Ashley Proper (as he himself recognizes at one point) really just reinforces this to me. he says it himself-- he practically raised this woman. and in this case, even above all others, ashley's actions are quite literally also his own. it all goes back to that initial mistrust, and he carries that resentment with him even after they get around to actually doing it. mutually dubious consent, truly in-fucking-deed.

[chubmle2]

umm aomething something saw musical something something post later

[butmakeitgayblog]

Nikki Vee in It's What's Inside

[lovesodeepandwideandwell]

It's crazy how I can be like "I'm having a depressive episode" until I'm with the right people and then it's like oh no I'm ok actually

[baynton]

Mat Baynton as Elliot Ward in A Good Girl's Guide to Murder | 1x02

[todayisafridaynight]

[huidol]

surviving romance spoilers :)

it's best to forget about all the things that are important 🐍

[golyadkin]

favourite part of drawing these comics is and always will be putting the little highlight dot on Billy's nose

[nalfae]

poindexter looking ass 😂😂😂 jackie would be the type to ask if she can try on your glasses umm cause i said so :]

[fluffypotatey]

Never met liukong: "I wish I met you sooner" "me too, feels like we missed so much"

Canon liukong: *arguing* *screaming* *bickering* *yearning* *physical fight* *near handholds* *sarcasm* *longing*

Never Met!liukong dodged a bullet tbh

like they aren’t healthy (far from it) but they’re nothing like the complicated mess of issues that is canon!liukong 🥰

has Never Met!liukong tried to kill each other? in a hyperbolic, jokey way 🤭 unlike canon lmao where Mac did try to kill Wukong and Wukong (supposedly not yet confirmed but IT IS ENTIRELY POSSIBLE) killed Macademia

[shikai-the-storyteller]

Not the best screenshot but here is Pac's Chume Labs room

If you need a better look fit and pac look around both rooms on September 25

Fit's vod and Pac's vod

Both should start right before going to Mike's room, but just in case: 1:02:00 in Fit's vod and 1:24:00 in Pac's vod

Good luck with the chapter!! Very excited :D

MY HERO!!! Thank you thank you thank you!!!!!

Oh my gosh the frickin bats on Mike's bed, I'm crying. I'm glad my screenshot for Mike's room was accurate, I completely forgot Pac's room was straight up empty LMAO rip, average male living space smh… I'm not even sure if that's a frickin bed in the corner of the room, it looks like a tiny little cot. Which is both sad and fitting, I suppose.

But agh... I remembered this conversation but I couldn't remember when it happened, this is a huge help! I wish we got more of an explanation about this, but a lot is implied from this and an older scene with Pac... :( I talked about it a bit in my fic as well, but I left parts of it open-ended too since we really don't know what happened, and the implications of what might've happened are too grim for me to write about.

[saltedcaramelchaos]

tristesse

[huginsmemory]

Where's that one Ford art post thats like I'm in the best years of my life clutching a hot pink thermos thingy with hot gurl juice when he's clearly not. cause damn . Yeah

[toytulini]

i have got to go to bed i have got to get stuff done

[rriavian]

Had a very slow writing day today, think it's probably time to take a few days off, or at least wait for an idea to wander by and demand attention. Which might actually happen in the work meeting I have tomorrow...

I should probably have a better work/life/health balance by now, but to be honest writing usually feels like the easiest part of that mysterious equation. A fun outlet, a way to relax but also to have accomplished something. It makes the rest both easier and harder (strangely enough) because there's always so much to juggle, and that always leads to there being so much to fix.