#them reaching their growth without each other so having a mostly positive relationship

[fluffypotatey]

Never met liukong: "I wish I met you sooner" "me too, feels like we missed so much"

Canon liukong: *arguing* *screaming* *bickering* *yearning* *physical fight* *near handholds* *sarcasm* *longing*

Never Met!liukong dodged a bullet tbh

like they aren’t healthy (far from it) but they’re nothing like the complicated mess of issues that is canon!liukong 🥰

has Never Met!liukong tried to kill each other? in a hyperbolic, jokey way 🤭 unlike canon lmao where Mac did try to kill Wukong and Wukong (supposedly not yet confirmed but IT IS ENTIRELY POSSIBLE) killed Macademia

[imagineabrighterworld]

For Scientific Purposes pt.2

- - -

Watching the television and seeing the navy blue Nomu being led away brought a strange sadness to you.

It showed no realization of what was going on, or concern on what they might do with it when it was taken into custody.

The other scientists were just as upset as you, but it was more because they lost their top tier nomu. Without it, there was more pressure than ever on perfecting the lower ranked Nomu that waited in their cells, submerged in liquid until their time to shine came.

Without the blue nomu to keep you company as you worked, you felt lonelier than you started when you were brought to the labs. You felt colder. Less than enthused. It didn't help that the other scientists were not very sociable either. But all that any of you were expected to do was work. Relationships, platonic or romantic, were forbidden. It stalled the production of nomu.

However, despite not having a human companion, you eventually got through to the nomu as you worked on perfecting them. They weren't like the blue nomu that had wormed its way into your heart, but they were close.

“7002, come here.” You call to a sleek grey nomu that was laying on it's back on a steel examination bed. It sits up sluggishly, two pairs of arms working to push it up to a sitting position. It's set of three eyes look at you owlishly, waiting for your commands. Instead you scoot your chair to the next bed to wake the next nomu. In total there were four under your care. These, unlike the navy nomu were meant more for delicate operations. They were speedsters, able to dish out damage and run before they could get caught. That was one trait you had to settle after the navy nomu had been captured. The nomu were ‘useless’ if they could only be used once before being seized. At least that's how Shigaraki saw it.

“54222, it's time to wake up.” You tap the leg of the nomu laying in front of you. It was similar to the ‘perfect’ nomu. The body structure mostly the same minus a few alterations. It's face was without eyes, and a glass like dome covered it's brain. The glass acted as protection though the nomu were more or less indestructible even without it.

This nomu was your favorite of the four that had been left in your care. It was similar to that of the perfect nomu, curious and always eager to follow you. You weren't sure who it's base was, but it seemed that the base was someone with a size quirk. Like the hero Mt. Lady, it could change its size exponentially, or shrink and become thin like a disk. Regardless of it's quirkiness, you enjoyed its presence all the  same. It was good company.

“Come on, we need to check your vitals for the day.” Standing up from your chair, you acknowledge the three other nomu behind you. “All of you. Come with me.”

They release a mixture of roars and groans, normal behavior that you didn't bat an eye at.

You look at 54222, neck straining to look at it's face. It had something similar to an underbite, it's lower teeth on full display, canines sharp and ready to tear through flesh and metal. Again, that odd feeling runs through you. You imagine the perfect nomu, it's dark navy skin and bird like face.

With a sigh, you pull on it's hand to get it moving. “Come.” As you walk down the halls to the proper room, you glance behind you at your array of ducklings. The nomu stumbled and dragged themselves behind you. Towering masses of muscle but so easy to control. It made you feel powerful. But it also made you feel as if you were a daycare worker. They were so capable but so-

A winged nomu falls forward after tripping on their own wings, screeching on the way down.

So silly.

“7674, help them up please.” You wait for said nomu to pick up the other, amused at how jerky their movements were. But what was science if everything was made perfect? There would be no room to grow.

54222 nudges you on your side, letting out a groan, signalling it wanted to enter the room. Or that you were off schedule.

You grin and rub its arm. “We’re on time, it's okay.” Without further ado, you enter the room with all four nomu, greeting the other scientists and waiting by the door in order to bring the nomu back to their capsules.

-   -  -

The last nomu to enter their tank was 54222. You couldn't lie, you had a soft spot for it. It reminded you greatly of the perfect nomu.

Sitting down on the edge of an examination table, you beckon 54222 in front of you, legs spreading as you lean back onto your palms. “Come here.” You croon in a quiet voice.

54222 moves in closer, head tilting as it kneels in front of you, used to this little routine of yours. It sniffs the air, relying on the rest of its senses to guide it on where to go.

With a hand, you pat the glass dome on it's head, caressing it's jaw as you bring it in closer. “Good. Very good.” With it's mouth right by your core, you ease your fingers into its mouth, pulling it's tongue out slowly, careful not to cut it on its own sharp teeth. With its tongue in hand, you coo gently at the now purring nomu. “Such a good boy.”

It's tongue instinctively stretches out, placing a long lick against you. You were already dripping with want, warmth blooming in every part of your body. When its tongue made purchase, you instantly clenched your hands into fists, holding back a moan as its tongue explored your nether regions. You let go of its tongue and placed your fist in your mouth, biting it to muffle your sounds of pleasure.

Its tongue was thick and warm, slimy but not so that it was uncomfortable. It was just the right temperature and feeling. And gods did it feel good on you. In you.

This wasn't the first time you met nomu late into the night, body limp in its arms as it pleasured you over and over. But it was the first time it was 54222 that pleasured you. The nomu that had been taken away after the U.S.J. incident was your main partner.

The ache of losing it stung, distracting you from the pleasure of 54222’s tongue wrapped around you.

A few tears slip from your eyes as you remember the lost look in the perfect nomu’s eyes the hours before it was sent with Shigaraki on the mission. It didn't know what was happening, all it knew was its mission. And now what was happening to it? Were they dissecting it and taking it apart to understand how it was put together? Or did they simply kill it after finding out it was no longer its human base, it no longer could return to human society. 

“Ah!” You moan, thoughts brought back to the matter at hand as the nomu stands between your legs, its thick cock rubbing against you.

The creature leans over you, pulling open your legs and holding you by your thighs as it sniffs your face, using its tongue to lap up your tears. With little warning, it bucks its hips, eager to enter you. 

You chuckle at its enthusiasm, sadness smoothed over as you focus on your partner. “Here.” You guide its massive cock to your hole, using the saliva it left behind as a lubricant. Whether using its saliva or not, you knew it was going to hurt. But the pain was pleasurable as it slowly pushes each inch into you, sinking deeper in until it bottoms out. 

“What-” You pant, rubbing yourself as you squeeze around its cock with your tight walls. “Wh-What a good boy.” You reach upward, clawing its back for purchase as it thrusts into you. Your body rocks back and forth with its violent thrusts. It wasn't lovemaking, it was pure fucking. And you needed it. You needed the pain to dull the loss of the navy nomu you had lost. “Faster- Faster baby, I c-can take it!” 

The nomu’s purrs grow louder as it ruts into you. It's grip was bruising and blood leaked from how much it stretched you out, but with your healing quirk you easily healed the damage as it was made.

“Make me cum!” You cry out, nails digging into its back, doing no damage to it at all. “Be a good boy and make me cum!” 

54222′s grip switches to hold you by your hips, dark marks left behind on your thighs. It flips you around onto your stomach and pulls you onto its cock, its size expanding as the nomu grows more and more excited. Its growth quirk still hadn't been fully controlled, but you relished in the fact when it came down to sex. 

With a muffled cry, you climax around its cock, walls already stretched to the max and unable to stretch any further, and yet its cock continued to pulse inside of you. You were fully satisfied but it was still chasing after its own climax.

After several more brutal minutes of 54222 driving its cock into your bloody hole, strings of hot cum pour into you, plugged in as the nomu pushes its cock in as far as it could go to keep the cum from seeping out of you.

You moan softly, reaching a hand down to stroke its arm. “Good boy, very good boy.”

It roars happily at the sound of your praise, pulling out with a loud pop. Ropes of cum pour out of your abused hole, but the pain was fleeting as you heal near instantaneously. You turn around onto your back and look at the eyeless nomu, stretching your arm to stroke its cheek. 

You missed your old nomu, but you could get used to 54222.

[demonicheadcanons]

Pact Headcanons

Okay bear with me because I’m starting this post on mobile at 4am but I’m thinking about pacts.

I’ve had a headcanon for a while that, after the MC makes a pact with Beel, they start to get hungry more often, and tend to build up muscle easier. So I thought I’d go ahead and just, write random pact headcanons for each of the boys?

I have tried not to include any clear spoilers, but if you haven’t yet made a pact with a specific brother, you may want to skip over them.

Some of the information may be considered dark, as a warning.

General Headcanons

The stronger the demon, the more potent / powerful the pact.

However, pacts will also get stronger the closer you are (relationship-wise, but this can also be proximity based) to a demon. For example, if you’re very close to Mammon and not close to Lucifer, your pact with Mammon will overpower the pact with Lucifer and amplify the effects brought about by Mammon’s pact. For a demon further on down the chain you would really have to hate Lucifer and be incredibly close to the demon to overpower the pact. For Mammon you only have to be friends, and close friends with Levi, etc. You can measure how close one of the brothers considers you by examining the effects you feel from your pact with them.

If two pacts interact (e.g. Levi’s envy and Lucifer’s pride), the stronger one will win out, or it will reduce the effects of both pacts. Ergo, you could balance out the negatives of one with the positives of the other by carefully adjusting your relationships with the parties involved.

All pacts have good and bad effects. They’ll vary from person to person, depending on their personality, but with the brothers their sins are the main influence of the pacts.

Having more pacts will reduce the rate at which you age, meaning Solomon is essentially immortal. Again, having pacts with stronger demons will amplify this, so having a pact with 7 of the most powerful demons in the Devildom would heavily slow down the rate at which the MC ages. If you make a pact with Diavolo, you’ll stop aging. Who knows what would happen if you somehow made a pact with his father? ((Note: if any pact involves selling your soul, the aging process will begin again, as you presumably need to die eventually for the exchange to be made))

Pacts create a weak empathy bridge between the demon and human. It’s not perfect, and it’s easy to ignore, but if you’re feeling down then the demons you have a pact with will be aware of it. The reverse is also true.

Even without a pact, the brothers can ‘feed’ from their sins. If you feel proud, Lucifer can gain energy from that, etc. For the MC, its weak initially as the brothers’ powers don’t work on them. However, once a pact is formed, it becomes a source of energy and power for them - this can be dangerous with demons who don’t know how to control themselves, as they may amplify the negatives of their pact as it means they can feast on their sin (or, for other demons, on whatever their influence is). More responsible demons, like the brothers, know how to balance it so that they’re able to feed without harming the MC, as this means they have a more stable food source for longer, and because they won’t want to cause harm to the MC.

Let’s get to the specifics for each brother:

Lucifer

Advantages: When you make a pact with Lucifer, you immediately become more confident. His pact is the strongest of the brothers, him being the eldest and most powerful, so there’s no waiting time for the pact to take effect. Essentially you’ll find it easier to be proud of both yourself, and others. His pact interferes with Levi’s - it counteracts the jealousy that you’d feel, and replaces it with pride, as a pact with Lucifer holds more power usually. His pact also grants an easier understanding of your surroundings and the people around you - whether it’s due to the confidence boost, allowing your anxieties to relax and to let you properly take in a situation, or just part of the pact is debatable.

Disadvantages: Pride easily leads to arrogance. Strangely enough, if you were already a confident person, you’ll find it easier to control yourself and not become too arrogant. But if you were struggling before, you’re going to swing wildly between completely adoring and despising yourself. Because the pact is so potent this can be dangerous, and you might need to distance yourself from a Lucifer and slowly build up a relationship again to be able to adapt to it.

Pact marks: Lucifer is a bit 50/50 on this. He’d like the pact mark to be in clear sight, because his pact was made to demonstrate a control and ownership over the human. However, because of how pacts usually work, he might fear that it would be perceived as being the other way about. Pact marks in clear sight are fair game, but perhaps somewhere where you could easily cover it up if needed would be preferred, so that he can see it when he wants to without it being on show constantly. He wouldn’t want it on show when you’re at RAD, honestly. He’d prefer for it to be on your back, hand if you’re willing to wear gloves, or neck if you cover it up with a high collar or scarf. Like most things, it all depends on his mood. He’ll adapt and make it clear that he’s no one’s pet no matter what you decide to do.

Mammon

Advantages: We’re already told that if Mammon likes someone, money comes easily to them. His pact partially influences this; if you want something, you’ll find that you’re able to get it much easier than before. This works best for material things, but if you’re very close to Mammon you’ll find that you’ll be able to win over people easier. It isn’t the same kind of charm that a pact with Asmo would grant, but still works fairly well. A pact with both brothers would boost the effects heavily, and you’ll find that you have most people wrapped around your finger after a simple greeting.

Disadvantages: Like Mammon, you might end up stealing to satisfy your greed. Getting everything you want is all well and good but it starts to lose its charm, whereas stealing still has some kind of buzz to it. At the same time, you may not even consider it to be stealing; it will start to feel as though everything already belongs to you. You’ll also become greedy for attention and feel lonely quite quickly. If you weren’t greedy before the effects won’t be as bad.

Pact marks: Mammon is possessive. He wants his pact mark on show - his number one spot would likely be on the back of your hands, so that when you’re holding hands he can rub his thumb over it, and so that its visible when you’re writing in classes or if you raise your hand to your face.

Leviathan

Advantages: Levi’s pact doesn’t necessarily offer many benefits to some people. If you’re willing to step back when you feel jealous and look inside yourself, its perfect for self-introspection and personal growth. It would be best combined with other pacts (especially Lucifer’s), and mostly works as a way of dampening the disadvantages that stronger pacts may offer by preventing you from becoming overly arrogant. It also helps to balance out Mammon’s pact, but does so by lowering your confidence in yourself so that you don’t seek attention or material possessions as much.

Disadvantages: You’re going to feel jealous constantly. If you have low self-esteem, it will present like Levi’s - you’ll believe that the world is unfair, that others are better than you. If you have a higher self-esteem, this will mix in an unhealthy fashion with the arrogance granted by Lucifer’s pact to make you simultaneously believe that you’re too good for everyone, and that you deserve better but can’t reach it because people are in your way. Overall, his pact is the most likely to isolate you from others.

Neutral: Depending on how you view it, this could be a good or bad thing, but Levi’s pact makes people jealous of you. This means that they tend to view you as being someone better than them, and might offer you some opportunities, but it can also make it difficult to form meaningful relationships and will likely isolate you in the end up. This will also have an impact on Mammon and Asmo’s pacts - if Levi’s pact is stronger, it will make people more likely to bend to your will, whilst also disliking you more as they feel unreasonably jealous of you whilst also being drawn to you. If the other’s pacts are stronger, it will lessen obsessions that have no base and will make it easier to form decent relationships that aren’t so superficial.

Pact marks: Anywhere. He doesn’t mind where it is, but if its smaller or less obvious than his brothers’ pact marks, he’s going to feel upset and not know how to deal with it. It all depends on your reasoning, but if you appear to see him as equal to or better than his brothers, he really won’t mind at all. When he’s feeling less awkward, he’ll want to trace his fingers over it, so preferably somewhere he can easily access. Number one spots would be on your shoulder, neck, or wrist.

Satan

Advantages: His pact, oddly, is a good confidence boost. More specifically, it makes you a lot less likely to put up with unfair and unjust behaviour. You’re more confident in speaking out against the things you don’t agree with. You’ll likely end up reading a lot more and educating yourself on everything so that you have the most concrete knowledge on any topic of discussion.

Disadvantages: If you’re not careful, discussions can become arguments and can lead to bad blood easily. You’ll be less forgiving than before, less willing to let things go. And you’re constantly, constantly angry. You’ll have to find a healthy outlet for this quickly, or it’ll consume you. Some relationships may end up tainted by the feelings his pact creates.

Your relationship: Your relationship with Satan is going to be strange. You both act as a comfort for each other, and when you’re around him both of you will be less angry. However, if Satan is in a bad mood and in need of a quick energy boost, he might decide to make you angry so that he can feed off of it. He sees it as being a short term risk; he can soothe you after, if he decides to, and if he believes you’re close enough that you won’t hold onto it. The problem is when he doesn’t. He likes seeing you angry, although preferably not at him, but in the end it really won’t matter so long as you’re mad at someone. Relationships can quickly become unhealthy, but your relationship with him will swing wildly if the two of you don’t sit and talk things over and work out a good balance; the best results would be if you were to go to Satan when angry about something else and let him soothe you by drawing out your anger. That way he gets a boost and the two of you remain relatively calm, keeping your anger in a safe and controlled space.

Pact marks: Back of the hand. He wants to see it when you’re reading. He already builds up a tendency to kiss you on the back of the hand, and he’d like to be reminded of your pact when he does so. Its a softer gesture that he doesn’t offer to many, and he gets to offer it to someone who accepts him no matter what, with a visible reminder of that.

Asmodeus

Advantages: People are going to like you. You’ll be able to charm almost anyone (exceptions being people who are immune to the demons’ powers, and anyone with more power than you). Even if you can’t charm someone, you’ll likely to be able to mildly influence their opinion of you. You’ll also become better at reading people, and will be able to guess at their desires. With enough popularity, you may end up influencing the worlds’ beauty standards to more closely match how you look (if you decide to do influential work in the public eye).

Disadvantages: Whether you try to or not, you’re going to attract all kinds of people. This can put you in dangerous situations and can easily build obsessions. You’ll find the human world to be a much more dangerous place, and will have to be wary of the people around you. Eventually you’ll be able to better influence how much people like you, so that it won’t become an obsession, but you’ll need some form of protection at all times in the human world for quite some time after the pact is made.

Pact marks: Asmo doesn’t mind so long as he gets to see it when he wants to. He wants you to be happy and confident in yourself. That said, he does want to feel like your first priority. Like Levi, he wouldn’t want his pact mark to be smaller or less obvious than his brothers’ marks. His favourite places would be on your chest or the top centre of your back.

Beelzebub

Advantages: Beel’s pact gives you an iron stomach. You can eat anything and as much as you want without it having much of an impact on your weight, although you will end up building muscle a lot easier. Your health will improve, and become as ideal as it can be. You’ll find that you don’t get sick very often and have a stronger immune system. Any dietary needs will become less prominent, from allergies to intolerances. Overall, his pact offers a lot of physical benefits.

Disadvantages: You’re going to feel hungry almost all of the time. Beel’s hunger influences your own, so when he’s hungry, you’ll be hungry too. Not only will eating take up more of your time and focus, but you’ll also have to spend a lot more on food. You won’t be anywhere near his level, but you’ll probably be hitting somewhere around triple the normal recommended daily intake.

Pact marks: Beel wants you to be happy, like Asmo, so you can put the pact mark wherever you want. He won’t pay much notice to it unless he’s feeling particularly low or possessive, but even then just having you around calms him down. He doesn’t need the pact mark to be a reminder of your relationship - he’s got you, and that’s more than enough for him. He’d probably like for you to have the mark over your stomach, if you’d be content with that - it’s an amusing idea to him, and it just feels right. Also, if he wraps his arms around you from behind, he can rest his hand over it.

Belphegor

Advantages: After resting, you’ll function better. You’ll be able to focus better, you’ll be more perceptive, you feel healthier, etc. On good days, you feel well rested after quick naps. His pact is a huge boost to your brain and body, and your mood will benefit from it too, leaving you feeling happier and more capable.

Disadvantages: More often than not, you need to sleep more than before, and on bad days, no amount of rest will be enough. You’ll also easily slip into bad habits in which you end up sleeping instead of actually taking care of yourself. Like Levi’s, his pact can be isolating as sleeping can often seem more appealing than spending meaningful time with people. A controlled sleep schedule is necessary to keep things under control.

Pact marks: Where you put the pact mark is your own decision, and he’s not going to make it for you. That said, he’d prefer for it to be somewhere you can easily see, so that you remember him and think of him often, and he’d rather you didn’t cover it up. He views the pact mark as a lasting reminder of him, and feels betrayed if you don’t view it the same way. The most ideal place would probably be on your hands or wrists, but he’s more likely to have places he hates (e.g. your back, where you couldn’t easily see it) than places he likes.

AN: Sorry for rambling and if this is disorganised ;u;. Hope you enjoyed, and thanks for reading!! Feel free to ask any questions you have ^^

[c-is-for-circinate]

Post-ep 106 reaction

I have many disparate thoughts tonight, and as usual I’m sure I’ll be more coherent tomorrow if I remember to post at all, but here are some things I’m thinking right now:

Someday, SOMEDAY, I am going to put together the essay I’ve been sitting on for ages about Critical Role (and d&d in general) and how it impacts the dynamics of religion to turn gods into actual people who you can have individual person-like relationships with.  It is far too late for that tonight, but I am SAYING IT NOW because fuck, it’s coming.

I think I’m finally on board with Beau and Yasha.  I’ve fluttered between vaguely interested and vaguely disappointed for such a long time, not because I don’t adore both Yasha and Beau and their interactions with one another, but because in some ways it just felt so very... “these are the two lesbians, they are the Only Two Lesbians In The Main Cast, of course they’re endgame,” and that bothers me as both a queer lady and as a storyteller.  Tonight’s glorious awkwardness aside, though (and fuck that awkwardness was glorious), I’m having some real feelings about the fundamental attractiveness of someone being attracted to you. Pining for someone unattainable is romantic, of course, but it gets old, and grown-ups learn how to get over it sooner or later.  Pining for someone who might be unattainable but might not be, well, that’s complicated, and that can go on for ages, but the longer a situation like that goes on, the more it becomes something you don’t expect or even really want to be resolved.  If you really thought it could work, you’d say something.  And there’s a lot of emotion that goes into wishing something could work, and hoping maybe it could, and wanting-but-not-daring, and complicated layers of self esteem, etc etc etc, but-- Look, you can pine for the perfect unattainable maybe-straight girl who you’ll never have to negotiate an actual relationship with forever, but sometimes right in front of you there’s somebody who actually looks back when you look.  And that looking back is worth so much.  It means so much.  It’s worth choosing to look at someone who looks at you back.  That’s a love story I’m here for.

Partway through the episode I was thinking about my meta for tonight, and I was thinking about Beau and Yasha, and it occurred to me to wonder just why the fuck there’s shipping discourse everywhere you look in CR fandom these days.  I know it’s always been around, but it’s felt so virulent lately, and I wondered why, and then I came up with a theory for part of it. I think it’s been really easy to focus on ships lately because the characters are mostly at a point in their own personal journeys where a lot of their other, intense and non-romantic development has...not ended, and not even gone away, but reached a natural plateau for the moment.  The war between the Empire and the Dynasty is over, and the Mighty Nein made it happen.  Holy shit, right?  It meant so much, and it cost so much, and it forced them to make decisions and grow and choose sides and stick to things in ways they never had before, and it was so much all the time.  And meanwhile in the background, Fjord kicked a patron to the side and got a new goddess, and Veth battled alcoholism and lost and won and lost and then also got her fucking body and family back, and Beau faced her father and Caleb faced Trent and Caduceus found his family and Yasha lost herself and then found herself and then had to face what she found.  It’s been so much, for so long. And now it’s not, really, any more.  Sure, they all still have issues--but those issues are for the moment avoidable.  Caduceus’s family is safe and his duty is discharged and he doesn’t have to deal with the reasons why he didn’t go home with them if he just keeps not going home.  Veth doesn’t know how to be a mother and a wife and an adventurer, but hey, she’s on Rumblecusp now, right?  It’s the same for (ALMOST) all of them: personal growth has been exhausting and they are Not Worrying About It right now. Which leaves room for character analysis to head in a more romantic direction.  And yes, it is super fucking pertinent that the one character who is drowning in the very throes of intense personal arc stuff is Jester--the object not just of various party members’ affection, but of 95% of shipping vitriol that’s been thrown around lately.  She’s the one person who is too busy dealing with or trying not to deal with her own shit to have time for romance right now, and she’s the center of everyone’s focus--of course it’s a mess. And like, I think about “no romance before level 10!”, and I think about how these characters have grown and changed, and I think this particular plateau is pertinent not just because it’s a resting place for these character arcs, but also because of where these characters have gotten to.  Right now, finally, finally, the M9 have each collectively and individually figured out so much about who they are.  They know themselves, what they want and care about and will stand for, so much better than they did at the beginning of the campaign.  What they don’t know yet, and the question they’re all vaguely avoiding and feeling their way around the edges of trying to answer, is what happens next? And romance is part of that.  Falling in love is about saying I want, which most of the M9 have just barely grown into being able to admit.  Actual romance and relationships are in a sense about saying I can have.  Not just the wanting, but the getting.  Making choices, going after things, making plans for the future--that’s all inherent in the situation. And those are the things the M9, without a clear direction or goal in sight, are set up to start really tackling next.  Which puts them in a position where romance is an obvious and focal part of character interactions.  Both for themselves, and for us as audience.

At some point, I need to do some serious thinking about Beau and Caducues, and about when and where we see Beau actually asking for things.  She asks him for things: tea, more tea, food, caretaking things, but she doesn’t whine at him for healing spells like she’ll whine at him for caffeine, just offer a general “I mean, if anyone wants to do some healing” to the group.  It’s interesting.  I’m interested.  I think I’d need to backwtch some episodes to decide what I think.  (But also: Caduceus gives Beau things, readily and sometimes even more than the others.  He gives her Tongues and Holy Weapon.  And what does that mean, for him?)

I know there was more but that has hit the limit of what I can do at 1:30 AM.  Thank you, all, and have a good night.

[asherlockstudy]

Rhett and Link’s problems with the Enneagram

I have now watched both Enneagram EBs and the second one actually set my gears to work (So Anon here it comes! I promise it was spontaneous).

After listening to Link and mostly Rhett talk about the Enneagram again and again, I realised I have a problem but I can not place its exact root. There is either something fundamentally wrong with the Enneagram itself or maybe it’s Rhett and consequently Link who talk about it in a way that made me feel a little uncomfortable.

My problem and cause of concern was that everything that was said during the two podcasts had a clear negative tone to it. I will have to bring in myself to it to give you an example so bear with me for a paragraph. I did the test and I am a 5 (Investigator - Observer, something like that) which suits me rather well, especially since it agrees perfectly with my Myers-Briggs INTP type. The results said I was a 5w6 (essentially an emotionless analytical robot) which is definitely wrong as I am clearly a 5w4 (a sad mess who analyses the world and searches pointlessly for the true meanings in life and wants to come up with the ultimate all-encompassing philosophy). I mean, OK, they are not described exactly like that but trust me, that’s the point. But despite all the flaws associated with it, especially in the fields of socialising and tremendous procrastination due to an insane fear of failure, I am actually very much in touch with it. I revel in analysing, in trying to see the bigger picture, to make up my own theory about life and the world. It gives me fuel to go on, it fills me with excitement, it gives me a purpose.

Now, what I kept hearing from Rhett and Link are the things they would hope to run away from. I can’t seem to remember a single positive thing they said about their personalities. All traits they mentioned ( which were all pretty one-dimensional for both I dare say) were presented in the context of torturing them and having to confront them. With these insights in their personalities and the spiritual deconstructions earlier, their old (surprising back then) statement that they are “fundamentally sad people” makes more and more sense. Some of their traits, like Link’s care for perfection to the smallest detail and his moral concerns could have been neutral or positive but, no, they are almost all given as clear negatives or at least as things that have an emotional toll on them.

This gives me the impression that Link and especially Rhett have found comfort in studying the Enneagram and try to find an explanation for what they are like, to feel part of a group, represented in their misery. In short, they focus on the analysis of the flaws of their personalities as a part of who they are and avoid dealing with the root that caused said flaws. Link is more self aware while Rhett still struggles to reach the root of it, which is his childhood. Not that he doesn’t know it but he can’t just deal with the people and the situations that impacted him enough to make him a three. For instance, Rhett seems to believe that he is a natural three that his parents made manifest even more strongly. It could be the case or the threeness we observe in him is the direct product of his parents’ constant judgement. By keeping chanting he needs to “be” instead of “do”, I am not sure Rhett will achieve much. Honestly, the one impactful step he needs to take is to stop caring about what his father thinks and I am sorry to say he is still not near achieving this. Especially when I take into account how scared he was during his videocall with his dad in GMM and how relieved he looked after the call was over without drama. In short, my problem with their take in the Enneagram is that it seems that Three is Rhett’s pack of unresolved issues rather than his complete personality type.

Furthermore, Rhett speaks knowingly about all numbers / personality types which proves he consumes passionately all Enneagram information that is available. For a man of his level of active lifestyle, hectic schedule and impatience, this shows that he indeed seeks comfort in finding a detailed description and an explanation for his personality, for the way he feels and acts. What does this mean? Well, that he does not like the way he feels about himself a lot. Not only that, but he is actually in a search of self. At this point, he is no longer cryptic about it but it is more serious than he lets on. He tries to make sense of himself and he tries desperately to find something in himself to love. I hope there are people in his life who let him know that he is worthy of their love, friendship and appreciation even though he is so deep inside his head that even the affectionate feedback can only help so much. Rhett will start finding some peace only if he takes the one step I mentioned above.

And then it seems that Link’s personality type is also exclusively a byproduct of his childhood and is aggravated by his relationship with Rhett. Link’s perfectionism doesn’t cause him enthusiasm - he just dreads the disturbance of his supposedly perfectly stable world. In all honesty, Link doesn’t strike me as an ambitious person. Link would just love to have his dear routine and a loyal person to share it with. Link needs stability and companionship. He is fine with just one person as long as this person contributes to the stability of their bond. Who that one person is in Link’s life is another story…

Link doesn’t care that much about the creative process and, frankly, he doesn’t care all that much about the comedy. Link cares to keep the environment Rhett and he work stable and safe. For Link, judgement from the audience is not as alarming as Rhett’s frustration because of it. Link cares to ensure that Rhett’s idea will be successful enough to keep working and to keep working together. So Link’s entire self-identification as a one seems to stem from his fear of abandonment and worthlessness only. Link fears he has not much to contribute to Mythical and he tries to counteract that by becoming the ultimate source of management and control. Because if he didn’t even manage the company, then what would Rhett need him for? Hence, Link’s obsession for control is a consequence of his fear, he doesn’t necessarily love to be in control for the sake of it. This is proven by his plane example, which shows that he finally relaxes when he does NOT need to be in control.

Link has been working hard most of his life to ensure his position next to Rhett. This brings even more insight in his resentment for Rhett that explodes from time to time. Link resents Rhett because he tries so hard to be always by his side but due to Rhett’s opportunitism, he can’t tell whether Rhett wants his companionship or he simply needs it for their brand. Even worse, Link dreads that the reason Rhett is his friend is because Link feeds his ego with his loyalty and admiration, because he takes Link for granted and not because he loves Link for who he is.

“Do you care for me or do you revel in the fact that I care for you?”

Now, I can’t get inside Rhett’s head but I doubt he uses people. I believe his genuine care for Link can be found in the weirdest examples - those from which Rhett has nothing to gain i.e getting frustrated when Link doesn’t enjoy food as much. Yes, this is a sign of love. Rhett enjoys food so much that he wants to share that enjoyment with Link. He can’t realise Link’s tongue works differently - he thinks Link is missing out and it frustrates him. Another silly example is Rhett buying Apocalypse equipment for a clearly disinterested Link and probably never getting its money’s worth back. This is important to Rhett for some reason and he is concerned enough to protect careless Link as well despite having no personal gain from it.

The truth is that these two men feed off each other; Rhett keeps Link attached to him to always feel worthy and Link keeps Rhett attached to him to always feel safe. However, the fact that Rhett is almost his entire source of safety and that Link is Rhett’s biggest calibrator of worth is indicative of the levels of love and need. Nevertheless, Rhett and Link are not independent people. They were constantly in search of support from one another and they lost themselves in the process of satisfying others or being safe. This is something they are realising only now.

Link’s fear of abandonment is so big that it frequently leads him to an almost paranoid behaviour. It is crazy that he felt left out when Rhett communicated with the audience during a podcast whose key purpose is to… communicate with the audience. His fear here has two sides: 1) that Rhett didn’t consider him an equally important business partner so he preferred to speak directly to the audience and 2) that Rhett isn’t emotionally invested in him in order to open up to him. And by saying he can deceive people if he needs, Rhett doesn’t help Link overcome his huge insecurities. This is why Link begs Rhett to talk to him about his feelings more. He does not understand whether Rhett loves him or uses him. The notion that Rhett doesn’t truly love or appreciate him is one of his biggest fears in life.

As for Rhett, it is certainly huge growth that he starts opening up and being vulnerable to a few thousand strangers yet it all still derives from his need to be accepted by said strangers as I am afraid that the late disproportionate criticism he gets for silly stuff on Twitter and Tumblr surely don’t help him deal with his issues, no matter how hard he tries. Therefore, Rhett is trapped in a vicious circle. Besides, Rhett was overly sensitive to be hurt when Link stated the obvious; that he was being vulnerable in hopes to be understood and accepted, because that was clearly what Rhett was openly doing. However, having someone discussing openly his vulnerability immediately made Rhett retreat back to his shell because no matter how hard he tries, Rhett hasn’t managed to separate vulnerability from weakness in his mind yet.

Long story short, Rhett and Link might be Three and One respectively but I am not sure they have a good understanding of themselves anyway. They may have figured out their types correctly but they certainly narrow their entire sense of being to their unresolved issues and phobias. They entirely lack a sense of self-worth and they probably have not realised the extent of the traumas in their youth. In the Enneagram language, the nine personality types have nine levels of development. I believe Rhett and Link are either in the average levels or the mildest unhealthy level. They are certainly not in the healthy top three levels.

Their obsession with the Ennegram helps only superficially but they seem to have based an illogically huge part of their self exploration on it. The Enneagram might offer some insight but won’t offer the resolutions they long for and badly need in order to find some relief. The ones that come when you confront your environment instead of overanalysing yourself and beating yourself up because of it.

[buzzykrueger]

The double loss of a childhood - a not-so-brief analysis through Gon and Kite

WARNING: MAJOR CHIMERA ANT ARC SPOILERS //

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First of all, this is kinda messy because I was writing and power went off </3. I wouldn’t even call it a meta, more of a psychological analysis. 

It's so complex the way Togashi works through symbolisms. Gon and Killua had to let go of their childhood and childish behaviors. Had to make challenging choices. While two of the few grown ups who cared about them and gave proper attention to their relationship, are the perfect imagery of children: new Kite and Bisky.

These two are the greatest and overall positive influences within Gon and Killua lives in terms of adult Hunters, always looking out for the boys. Both of them are experienced, opposing the appearance of a child.

The irony is that, while Bisky and post-CAA Kite look like children (Kite is a child now, to be honest), Gon and Killua are, actually, real children facing painful and forced coming of age, enduring conflicts that even adults can fail to cope with properly - and this has been acknowledged by Knov and Shoot, also two experienced Hunters that got mesmerized by how those two kids could still fight, despite everything they saw and been through. 

Anyways, Gon and Killua got their emotional development and their lack of experience put under extreme conditions, forcing them to break their dynamic without proper thinking, basically facing the war, the complexity of morals and relationships like adults.

That said, I’ll won’t be deeply working some points that I’m assuming you are all familiar with, like Gon’s reaction because Kite has been the fuel of his search for approval and being valued, or like how difficult it is for Gon not to handle things alone. 

First of all, Kite is indeed Gon’s fuel for his journey. For the first time, someone cared to tell him the truth about Ging, and made him feel a little bit important. Noticed. Someone stayed by his side, for a short moment, and gave him a reason.

And if you take into account that he died two times before Gon’s eyes, it makes everything more shocking for the kid.

“Huh, what do you mean?”

Pitou has killed the physical adult Kite, but the rebirth itself “killed” the father figure imagery that Gon saw in Kite. Resembling now a girl of similar age as Gon's, Kite can not be kept as a replacement for the mentor and father Gon didn't have. And this is a heavy loss, because it took Gon’s goal away from him.

It's also a very smart and symbolic way to end this desperate journey around the urge of becoming deserving of proud, especially from Kite, the one who gave his life a purpose. Because Gon has stated, back in chapter 7, that “Kite seemed to be prouder of him (Ging) than he was of himself”, so he wants to walk the same steps as his biological father to make someone proud of him the same way. He can't project his goals around others anymore - and like the Koala Man said, the heart must be fed, or you’ll end up doing the same things again and never getting satisfied with the outcome. What you seek must be found in yourself.

But what Kite sees, in this chapter called Repentance (337) is that Gon is probably not ready for the amount of reflection waiting for him. Kite then sees no good in weighting his shoulders any more. The moment where he asks Gon “sorry about what?” is important, because it’s where Kite and the readers get to understand that Gon needs a break before realizing it.

Kite, then, avoid this subject. Gon is not ready.

Instead of throwing the truth about what was the real issue here, Kite first gives Gon craved the most: he praises him for being able to defeat a stronger enemy that Kite himself could not. 

The boy’s reaction, though, it’s not what we would’ve expect from Gon.

Gon shows no trace of excitement over the fact he has accomplished his first goal - he was able to impress Kite. But, why is this so important? Because this is a breaking point for his journey. Gon doesn’t feel like he cares about this anymore. If Kite is not the same, he shouldn’t be either. If being approved doesn’t mean the same, meeting Ging is pointless. His past self has died, alongside with Kite  - figuratively and directly speaking.

The troubled boy acknowledges that "if it wasn't for Killua (name separated from the rest ‘cause he has his special spot) and everybody else, I wouldn't be here". This means a lot for Gon’s development and grief, because the moments where he feels he’s messed up or must redeem himself, he doesn’t mind getting hurt or overcoming fear in order to handle “his mess” all alone. If he proves himself and protect the ones he loves, he will do it. But he needed help, and this is something he doesn’t feel proud of. 

That’s when Kite shifts the engine once more. 

It’s useless to make Gon feel better addressing old desires. Like Kite himself, Gon also got a second chance. They are both letting go from their past. 

With a sweet tone, Kite breaks the cycle of the strong father figure: it's the same for him. Kite, the major inspiration for Gon, says that he didn't make it alone, too - and that doesn't make him less strong. He can’t be this parental figure anymore, maybe he didn’t even know he was. The only thing he knows, is that there are different types of strength. They are not weak for having friends and needing help.

With this, Kite closes the curtains. A strong and admirable Hunter, that wasn’t any less powerful for needing help. Gon shouldn’t be ashamed of this kind of strength: the power of making others wanting to be with him. Something that could not coexist with following Ging steps - Gon must belong to himself and separate him from others’ expectations.

That’s the final act of the mentor Kite, where he dies as a projection. Funny is, this moment with Kite holds some good parallels with the next chapter, where Killua and Gon part ways. Though I don’t think they’ve meant 100% the same, there are some hints that Killua also kept the soil fertile for Gon - but this is yet to be addressed in a future post.

Back to the story, Kite’s not a parent, not even an grown man anymore. He pushes Gon forward to meet Ging, because that’s the one thing that will end this cycle, definitively. No one to look up to, to pursue admiration from, and getting blind from fear of being weak and left behind. He must face change. This desire to be approved even if it costs his life has reached an end. This part of his journey must be accomplished - and left behind.

Gon can now center his journey around developing his self-esteem, thoughts on himself after knowing his own worth. He has a lot to make up for with Killua, but he had been forgiven. The soil is fertile once again, the seed of self forgiveness can grow. He can come up with a goal that centers around love with proper growth and responsibility, without others having to make up for self-esteem he lacks. He’s a traumatized child, that probably never put much thought on how lonely and scared he felt before he acted, and his coping mechanisms mimics his lack of experience.

He can now be free of the thought that, if he sacrifices this "undeserving being" he is on his mind, people will choose not to leave. Because giving up on his life wasn’t the right way to let them feel safe around him. They’ve left anyway. Everyone thanked him and look like they’re not mad, and he has found his father, but why things still look... unsatisfying? What meaning Ging even holds for him, still?

Losing his first goal is like losing his past self, and his childhood. Gon can’t walk backwards, though he comes back to Whale Island, things are not the same anymore, just like him. Losing the imagery and the person Kite is a twist of cycle, losing the urge of meeting Ging is cutting ties with this past self and this mad search for his own value in wrong sources, and now he has to understand what he wants and can do the way he is.

He must figure it out on his own, how he can grow from this and how to fix things before he finds a new goal. He has found something more important than the thing he was once hunting. Or better saying, someone. Someone that should’ve, yes, shared his feelings instead of creating distance - but he knows this certain someone left him with a smile because he cared. Killua will never overbear him, but can’t be the one to analyze everything for him anymore.

Gon has been forced to slow down and think, because in loneliness, there’s no one to impress. There, is where his identity will be found.

When you care about yourself, you learn how to take care of others. True, changing hurts. Losing childhood hurts. Losing strong beliefs and having to reconstruct yourself is a process. Bereaving children mostly don’t get proper attention because their anger, isolation and dismissive attitudes are often scolded than embraced, because they’re expected to endure loss like adults.

The dead don’t come back to life. Last minute, saved by the most important person in his life. But changing is the only inevitable thing while living. Kite was that important, but he must go away from the responsibility Gon has, unconsciously, put him through. Now, his journey consists of a blank page, waiting to be written once again with this new self, in order to learn how to fix his relationship with the one he loves the most. Killua wasn’t planned to exist in Gon’s life. They didn’t expect to run into each other, but as soon as they did, they’ve slowly changed their goals. Things seem off right now, but there is no room for replacements or masks. 

Gon might have not noticed, but his goal wasn’t the same already. Meeting Ging brings not the same feeling anymore, especially because Killua was the first thing running Gon’s mind when thinking about this meeting, a major indicative that Killua was, already, his top priority over his father - and maybe he never put a second thought on that, the way Gon is single-minded.

But now there is room for a lot of thinking, and there’s something we must remember, an optimistic hint that I’m saving its analysis for the separation meta:

“Gon is not the type to break a promise twice”, Killua has once said. 

[jikookuntold]

Jungkook Being Open about Himself

TW: This is a heavy analysis and contains deep theories and some conspiracy theories. If you don’t feel comfortable about gender and sexual orientation discussions, this post is not for you. I’m not going to talk about any ship in this post, it’s all about Jungkook and the image this fandom made of him.

Enough talking let’s get the bread!

The Wrong Image

After spending almost three years on ARMY-Twitter and other apps like YouTube or Instagram, I came to the conclusion that the majority of this fandom has this image of a masculine, bad boy, cold-hearted heterosexual Jungkook in their minds, something we can even consider as toxic masculinity. But is it true? Is this what he has tried to show us all these years? We can’t deny the fact that he wants to look mature and he doesn’t like to be called a baby, he made this clear many times despite doing some aegyo for the sake of ARMY’s satisfaction but his masculine and feminine sides are another story.

Masculine or Feminine?

Wearing makeup or jewelry on stage for an artist, can’t be considered as a feminine attitude but when someone does this on daily basis and recommends forgetting about the gender stereotypes it mean they don’t care about gender and “Not Caring about Gender” is a feminine attitude. Jungkook buys his clothes from local gender-neutral brands, he likes makeup and he’s called himself pretty many times. He said the great style is wearing what you want regardless of gender.

In Feb 2021 Elle Korea wrote: “Most of Jungkook's favorite fragrance products have sweet & lovely scents regarded feminine.” He is a sensitive and emotional person and he cries very easily. There are so many discussions about feminine body-language signs which all do apply on him but I don’t discuss them here because they are mostly not deterministic. Anyways, can we all agree getting tattoos or being buff doesn’t make you masculine? Jeon Jungkook has embraced his feminine side and he is far from toxic masculine qualities inside and out.

Sexual Direction?

I’m not in a position to discuss someone’s sexual orientation when they haven’t talked about it themselves but it surprises me how the majority of this fandom is so sure about Jungkook being heterosexual. In my opinion, this mindset comes from the image of him being super-masculine and being associated with girls in the early years after debut. We all know he had one (or two?) girlfriends before the age of 17 and he actually was open about it. In American Hustle Life he talked about how at some point he felt dating and not dating that girl doesn’t make any difference for him and he believes all girls are the same.

We all know how this industry works and idols never open up about their relationships, especially at such young age but Jungkook wasn’t hesitant, despite being a shy and introverted person. I’m not claiming to know him but I know him enough to believe what he says is the truth. This man never lies, maybe he won’t disclose every aspect of his life but when he speaks up he is telling the truth and nothing else. He could deny or ignore those dating rumors of early debut years but he wasn’t afraid of confirming them and showing his real self.

While I’m speaking about American Hustle Life, I should refer to another thing related to the topic. (I personally believe this AHS had such a big impact on all the members’ growth and not just Jungkook) When Jungkook was chilling near the pool with Yoongi, he told him about a woman he saw there who had a big tattoo on his back and he said he wants to get a tattoo. Yoongi believed this act will disappoint ARMY but Jungkook didn’t agree and said: “If they love us, they won’t mind.” Jungkook wants to be himself and shows his real self to us and believes if our love for him is real we would accept him as the way he is.

In my opinion, somewhere around Jungkook's 17th birthday something changed in him. This change has started earlier but at this period (Danger Era), it became more detectable. I'm not saying that he wasn't like this before, on the contrary, he was always like this, he was born with it but fully acknowledging it and embracing it took time for him. None of us had known or accepted ourselves in our teenage years and we tried and pushed lots of things to find our true nature. I believe the same happened for Jungkook and it was way harder for him because of the situation he was in.

Anyways, in late 2014 and especially 2015, the changes in his attitudes and manners were too visible to stay unnoticed by ARMY (I have to declare skinship and fanservice for the cameras are not my point, In this post, I have tried to draw a line between his work as an idol and his life as a person and my emphasis is on the latter part). He started to suggest openly gay artists’ works in his tweets. He even did cover those songs and used them for his G.C.F videos. If you have read the lyrics of the songs he suggests, covers, or uses for his works, you’d notice that all the pronouns are gender-neutral or male (he). The most interesting thing was when he eliminated the word "girl" from the lyrics of Savage Love but didn't do anything with the f word. He has used LGBTQ+ symbols several times, He has read gay novels, He named his flower bouquet “Various types of love” Now think about it again; does it make sense to consider him as a heterosexual?

Rumors...

Most of you know about the incidents when BTS had their short break in the summer of 2019. Jungkook started to get tattoos and when he was on a trip, two pictures of him got leaked and rumors of Jungkook and a girl (I'm going to call her person B) went viral. I'm not going to analyze those pictures or the rumors because BigHit’s statement did seal the deal for me, I knew Jungkook wouldn't lie or hide anything about it. If he had dated that girl or anyone else it was his business and when he denied it, I was 100% sure he is telling the truth but apparently it wasn't the case for the others. The pictures weren’t showing anything intimate or controversial, but since it was a boy/girl interaction they made a huge deal of it (Remember in a heteronormative world, boys and girls can’t be just friends!) The rumors haven’t died down after almost two years and they are using this to keep their fantasies of heterosexual Jungkook alive.

As someone familiar with this industry for more than a decade, I know they can’t let any of the popular fantasies to die, no matter it’s the fantasy of gay shippers or straight shipper or Y/N’s, no one has to be disappointed. Fantasy of Jungkook being straight was dying down in the middle of 2019. But how did that happen? Of course, any ship moments or interaction between members never been taken seriously. It would be interesting if you know the situation became serious just a few days before the person B incident. That day, an insulting and homophobic private conversation from one of the most infamous fansites of Jungkook got leaked and it almost outed him as someone who isn’t in the hetero world.

When ARMY called out this fansite for her toxic behavior and insult towards Jungkook, she threatened them to ruin his life and we knew she could do that because she had ruined other idols’ lives before that. Just one week after that the person B incident happened and the news of Jungkook having a girlfriend went viral. I’m aware the whole situation could be a coincidence but the timing of the events and many other facts prove it was a conspiracy to frame Jungkook and ruin his image and beside that, many people benefited from it.

Person B acted as shady as she could in this situation but I'm not going to go there because this post has become long enough already. Firstly we thought she is a victim of this conspiracy and pitied her but her subsequent acts proved otherwise. She did benefit from these rumors much more than anyone expected and did everything to stay on the top news.

Enough talking of person B, let’s speak about the fansite lady. Her actions were terrible enough to get blacklisted by BigHit but surprisingly she didn't and after that, she took part in Japan fan-meetings, Melon, and Mama (or other programs I’m not aware of) until the COVID19 made everything canceled. Many people know she is more of a saesang than a fansite, and saesangs have a close community and they know each other very well. On the other side, we know many companies hire saesangs for their idols to find out about their private lives and have more control on them without being strict. And this is why I believe BigHit can be the mastermind behind all of this.  

Why am I so pessimistic about BigHit? Think about the statement they made to deny the rumors, I know this statement was made with Jungkook's permission but he didn't write it himself obviously and the wording wasn't the wisest. We heard months later from the guesthouse manager that Jungkook went there with his own manager but they didn't even mention it in the statement. Why? Let’s not forget the worst, when they made him apologize in the last episode of BV4. That was unnecessary either and brought back everything to the surface when it was about to die down. I know they support the members and they try to protect them in every way but that statement always makes me think of them as a shady and hypocritical company like any other company in Kpop. I know BigHit benefited from these rumors and I think BHxFansitexSaesang collab is a possible scenario.

What did Jungkook do after all of these incidents? Obviously, he had no choice other than to accept his fate but the fact is we failed him as fans. He loved and trusted us from the bottom of his heart, he showed his true self to us, he gave us lots of hints about himself but the moment he sat next to a girl, everyone forgot everything. We disappointed him and he came to the conclusion that no matter what he does, the fans will think what they want to think.

If you were patient enough to reach this far in this post I’m gonna salute you but you probably think I’m delusional and went too far in my theories (I had the TW at the beginning of the post and I had to get all this off my chest lol) but for the last thing I’m going to quote and analyze something Jungkook mentioned in JHope’s Vlive after the release of CNS.

“I never thought I would fall for a man”

This was his very first public appearance of Jungkook after the person B incident and managing to say these words in this situation was definitely meaningful and remarkably wise. What did he mean by this? Did he have to state he never thinks he can be gay at the exact time when the rumors of him being with a girl were breaking the internet? No, it doesn’t make sense at all. In fact, it was the exact opposite, he said that to make it more clear and chastise us for not getting him all these year. His face was very expressive while saying this and considering their conversation topic (watching JHope’s dance) I believe he had this statement ready for days and he left it to us to understand him or ignore him again.

The End.  

[avatar-state-kate]

Get By With a Little Help From My Friends: The Role of Others in Mako and Bolin’s Character Development

In my dual character analysis of Mako and Bolin -here- I discussed how Mako and Bolin’s personalities informed the others. In that original meta I brought up how the two experienced the most growth in season 4, a season they mostly spent apart. Now while I do believe this separation contributed to this growth that is not to say either brother was alone.

Here I want to explore how the primary relationships the brothers had in season 4 facilitated either brothers respective arcs.

Bolin and Varrick: Partners in Crime

As discussed in my first essay Bolin has a tendency to attach himself to strong (read:controlling) personality types and his friendship with Varrick is no different with Varrick taking on the leadership position and Bolin the follower. Varrick comes up with the scheme and Bolin goes along with it, and in season 4 the scheme is working for Kuvira.

For Varrick this is a job, as he heads her engineering department. For Bolin however, while working under the direction of others this is an opportunity to help people. At the very start of Bolins storyline we are meant to doubt the validity of this claim- is Bolin really helping people or does Kuvira kind of seem like a dictator? Opal outright argues this point when the two meet in the earth kingdom province Kuvira is “helping”.

Bolin’s inability to see this is in character, Kuvira and Varrick are in charge and both are telling Bolin that what they are doing is right so he’ll listen (growing up on the streets there would not have been room for negotiation with Mako). However, once the truth becomes too much to ignore and Bolin wants to defect it is Varrick who leads the charge, as Bolin initially attempts to leave the army without upsetting Kuvira (read: people pleasing tendencies).

It is not until Varricks attempted joint suicide that we see a shift in Bolin’s character, it is this moment and not the realization of Kuvira’s true nature that is Bolin’s characters inciting incident. While Varrick takes the charge in rigging the spirit gun explosion this is where his plan ends, if they are going to live through this Bolin is going to have to take charge and save them- he will have to become the protector.

Outside of the lab and without Zhu-li, Varrick is essentially a child, literally needing to be carried by Bolin. Rescueing Varrick marks a role reversal where Bolin becomes the leader/provider rather then the follower/dependent role he usually fills.

When the pair comes across the escaped water benders and Firebenders from Kuvira’s prison camps, it is Bolin who makes the decision to stick with them and fight the earth kingdom soldiers despite Varrick ordering they retreat, and it his Bolin who makes the call to stick with them and sail to republic city despite Varrick not wanting to.

In needing to take care of Varrick, to be the parent, Bolin develops a greater sense of autonomy.

Bolin and Opal: I Want You Back

Working for Kuvira resulted in a rift between Bolin and Opal. Prior to this falling out with Opal the only character Bolin has had a falling out with in the series was Mako during season 2 when he did not believe that Varrick was responsible for orchestrating the attack on the southern water tribe cultural center. Despite this resulting in Mako ending up in prison, once released Mako was quick to forgive Bolin no questions asked. Bolin has never had to earn Mako’s forgiveness, but Opal will not be won back so easily.

Not only does Opal refuse to just forgive Bolin, but where Mako would give guidance by telling him exactly what he should do, Opal only says he’s going to have to do better then a picnic. Bolin needs to come up with a solution to his own problems, he needs to take control.

This leads to the events of operation Beifong, a rescue mission that Bolin orchestrated. The rescue involves Bolin recruiting Lin and Toph, having the foresight to bring cables for Wing and Wei to aid in the escape once freed, and deciding to stay behind to rescue Zhu-li. Although working as a member of a team this is hardly the soldier Bolin who was working for Kuvira, he is a contributor not just a follower.

In summary, having to take care of Varrick and win back Opal helped Bolin to develop the ability to take initiative and care of himself without needing the direction of others.

Mako and Wu: Meeting in the Middle

Rather then forcing Mako into a completely opposite position, as Bolin’s relationships with Varrick and Opal do, Wu instead meets Mako halfway.

Throughout the series Mako is shown to be a natural caregiver as a result of being a parentified child. While this is maladaptive in the wrong contexts (read: overprotective) as Wu’s bodyguard it is literally Mako’s job to protect Wu. Not only is it Mako’s job, but it is a facet of Mako’s character that Wu is receptive to- compare Mako trying to protect Korra in season 2, most clearly represented in Korra’s negative response to Mako promising Tonraq he would protect him before he left the expedition to the SWT spirit portal, with Wu’s response to Mako, Asami, and Korra’s rescue mission. Where Mako’s protective tendencies resulted in fights between him and Korra, (her own trauma of being raised in a compound for her protection interacting poorly with Mako’s here), Wu is very happy to have Mako save him. Wu’s desire to be cared for is also apparent in the recurring joke of him asking to be carried and his catch phrase “Wu down”- Wu wants to have someone there to take care of him.

However, while he likes to be cared for Wu doesn’t want to rely solely on Mako. This is evidenced in asking Mako for defence lessons as well as his decision to abdicate, which shows he wants to properly lead (read: take care of) the earth kingdom. In this way Mako can fulfill his emotional need to be needed while not also having to be responsible for Wu.

Another issue Mako grapples with is control, he needs to insert himself into a leadership role, again see Wu’s rescue. However in being Wu’s body guard Mako cannot be the boss, Wu is. This is the point of most of Mako’s early irritation with Wu, Wu doesn’t have to listen to him and he cannot control him. Mako’s need to control stems from his need to protect, however Mako fails as a protector when he doesn’t listen to Wu, Wu tells him to escort him to the bathroom and he says no. Wu’s kidnapping is a harsh lesson in the need to defer control, and ultimately helps Mako to relinquish control. This is best shown when Mako allows Wu to take over the radio announcement to initiate the evacuations- Mako lets Wu take control. While Mako needs to learn to relinquish control Wu needs to learn to step up as a leader, something he initially has little interest in doing, which Mako points out to him. In taking control of the radio broadcast and later leading the evacuation at the train station Wu learns to lead.

Finally, Mako has difficulty tending to his emotional needs. Wu does not have this issue, as he is fairly open about what he feels and needs, the best example is Wu’s breakdown at little ba sing we mall, as he 1 has no restraint in expressing himself and 2 has no problem reaching out to Mako (“carry me”). Wu’s emotionality if anything is selfish as he lets his emotions take over the situation, his anger incited a mob at the mall. Compare to Mako who keeps his emotions to himself to prevent them being a burden or upsetting others.

Mako also has an outburst at little ba sing se, calling Wu our for his selfishness; this goes against his people pleasing tendencies, which is good because it allows him to be honest (compare to the amnesia plot where Mako lies to protect Korra’s feelings).

Wu is receptive to Mako’s criticism, and has shown to be sensitive to Mako’s emotional state; having invited Mako to the mall for smoothies as a means of cheering him up after his fight with Bolin. And Mako is likewise receptive to Wu’s emotional state as he is aware he crossed a line with his outburst in little ba sing se and apologizes (again compare this with season 2 Korra and his inability to recognize when he had crossed similar lines). Again, Mako and Wu meet each other in the middle

In summary, Mako and Wu meet eachother half-way, with Wu helping Mako to be less controlling and more honest and open in his communications, while Mako encourages Wu to be more self reliant. They grow together.

Conclusion

As a result of their childhoods Mako and Bolin have a fairly codependent relationship where each brother fulfills a set role. Season 4 the brothers spend time apart, time with other people wherein they need to leave their usual roles and instead build on the characteristics they had previously been able to neglect; Bolin becomes more independent and self directing and Mako becomes more attuned to his emotions and less high strung.

We see the final mark of this shift in the brothers relationship in the attack of the colossus where we witness a rule reversal between the two brothers- Bolin making the pragmatic suggestion to retreat and live another day, and Mako the emotional appeal to protect Republic City and those still in it (ahem Wu).

Ultimately this makes the brothers relationship stronger as they come back to each other not two halves but each their own whole.

[life-rewritten]

THARNTYPE 7 YEARS: LOVE VS MISREADINGS AND INTERNAL STRIFES

So we are finally in episode 3 of TharnType 7 Years, and if it isn't apparent with my constant ramblings about this show, I am in love, like excited, obsessed, and incredibly happy in love. I know a lot of people are not like me, (it's always this way with this show) but the way the writer has left important character information, subtext and back-shadows in this plot has already made me hooked. The first thing I want to address is the couples in this show because I feel like people think the side couples are a waste of camera time and have no significance or depth, but this is one of the shows this year, where there is actual depth, plot and dynamics for the side couples. None of them is useless in fact; actually, if they don't have a plot, they're symbols/plot devices for the actual story. So stop seeing them as fan service, actually understand their characters, their flaws, their mindsets and see that we might have other couples in this show that are just as precious (with their own love story) as Tharn and Type. Or if you're one of those people who refuse to stop being closeminded about this show, then skip past this post.  But if you do love this show as much as I do, and want to know about what the story is showing; Let's begin.

First thing first is to look at the subtext, the patterns and what we could understand from episode 1-3 so far with TharnType 7 Years. The plot is all about all these couples having internal conflicts, sometimes psychological/ mental, which results in mindsets nurtured from their past experiences that have them become so flawed and stunted from growth. We've seen this same dynamic in season 1 with our couples, including Tharn and Type. 

With Tharn and Type the series, Mame uses love (the presence of it, the introduction to it and the feelings from it) to force our characters to learn from their mistakes, grow and change, and to reach self-acceptance and healing finally. Perhaps it's not always realistic (sometimes therapy is still needed, sometimes they take things too far, and sometimes the message isn't fully explored/translated) but its what I love about this show since season 1. The focus is on love, how incredible it can be for these characters and how it transforms them to their best version of themselves. In season 2 we have that with all these couples, they all have some kind of internal strife that is preventing them from growing,  And it's through love that they change.  Let me first analyse the couples, so you get what I mean; 

Misreading/Miscommunication/Misunderstanding in TharnType in 7 years

'How do past experiences shape your mindset, choices, and personal development and how does it affect your relationship with the love of your life.'

TharnType

Misreading because of internal scars

In previous season Tharn and Type has a fun time, getting together, this is me being sarcastic. In reality, these two struggled so much to cross that line, one because of Type's internal struggle with his past  assault making him ridiculously homophobic, and two because of everyone connected to Tharn's own history that contributed to his own internal scars at the end. Luckily our couple survived it all and actually chose to love each other properly. Except these scars aren't fully healed/gone, they still have affected our couple's ideologies, mindsets and actions, especially when it's time again to cross another line: Marriage. Tharn and Type are entering another conflict in their relationship despite their love for each other because of their internal scars. They're both for each other, 100% and they both concede and need each other, but their struggles make them incompatible despite the fact that they're actually trying to be selfless and caring for the other. Because of his past scars affecting how he sees publicity in relationships, Type doesn't want them to be exposed to the world or get married, because of his own internal strife of being abandoned Tharn wants them to prove to each other they won't be separated and needs them to get married for a peaceful mental state. 

Separately selfless and caring: Tharn is sacrificial and a pushover but we can see it's building up this episode and tearing him down, in fact, it was so depressing for him because he had to see Tong propose to his long term lover who by the way her speech was necessary because it showed what was on Tharn's mind. She says she's okay with being Tong's number 3 because she has known from the start who he was and she is willing to be selfless for him. In Tharn's mind, this is what Type should be saying, he should know who Tharn is by now and why he wants marriage, but also he should give in and let them get married because there's no problem to him with it. So that's another couple showing their love to everyone whilst Tharn has been in a relationship with Type for longer and is just not getting that. Still, he concedes this episode he pushes it down in front of Type, and secretly still hopes to get married a different time. But this is misreading Type because Type still wouldn't accept that proposal and it will cause a blow-up. 

The ring, the piano (playing their song) and the roses he was holding (passionate love) all symbolise Tharn's strife, he has everything ready, and was the one who played the song, held the flower, and bought the ring but he didn't have Type there. Type was avoiding going because he didn't want to bring back what happened in episode 1, being forced to again talk about marriage, (not selfishly, he's doing it, so they don't fight about it). Still, his absence also represented his misreading of Tharn's feelings.

In episode 3, we do see Type in denial, he is starting to realise that marriage could be a possible thing, and he knows Tharn wants it the most, (its what he wished for, for his anniversary in episode 1 for them to be together forever, marriage is proof of that promise)  he's frightened about hurting Tharn because he can see it is killing him. However, still, he can't get over his blockages and mindset, which is understandable. 

So he needs clues and evidence to start seeing Tharns perspective finally: the girl, Techno, his parents, Fiat.

 But we can see how Type is changing; he takes in Fiat because he wants to help someone like his past self feel understood. He feels inclined to help him not just because of work, but he kind of like takes him in as a young brother and nurtures him because he probably needed someone like that when he was younger. 

Hence this is why Fiat isn't meant to be seen as a devil in this show, but like Type, in season 1 he's meant to be misguided, stupid, irrational, and grow. Fiat takes the role of Type from season 1 (despite in his love story is more like Tharn will explain later), he'll do things and say things automatically. He'll cause issues, but if you notice  Leo (who probably is going to be in Tharns position in season 1 longing for him and being hurt because he's too late but also can be like Type in his own love story) is his calming influence. But Fiat will grow after his mistakes and love (losing Leo) will make him learn and grow from his mindset. Fiat is not just an object/boring second lead that just likes the main character, his involvement with the main story is going to cause growth for our couple but also lead him to his own plot with his own love story that's just as messy, angsty and romantic as Tharn Type in season 1. And you know what I can't wait to see it unfold. 

Fiat and Leo:

 Misreading because of reputation and protection

These two are so annoying, mostly because they're in the same position as TharnType in season 1 where they have perceived obstacles preventing them from the crossing the line even though they're in love.

We're introduced to Leo in episode 3 who definitely has feelings for Fiat. There are so many clues to the fact that he's automatically in love and romantically cares for Fiat. 

1.He clearly longs for his touch: they both keep glancing and looking wishfully at each other's lips each time they come face to face, it's there because they want to kiss each other, they're pulled to each other in that way

2. He drops everything for Fiat's safety, protection and needs. He will do anything; he even is seen this way by Fiat's 'friends' as the person who is the most protective and possessive over Fiat

3. He's jealous about not knowing about Fiat's state, he wants to be needed and trusted by Fiat above all. And he enjoys when Fiat is submissive and gentler to him. 

So why is he so adamant about keeping them as friends?

Fiat's reputation: 

Fiat reminds me of Stud (another messy, spoilt, selfish character who did so because of neglect) from another BL show Friendzone, he's flirty, and he sleeps around whenever Leo isn't around, he's a bit unstable without Leo by his side, rude, makes tantrums like a child who wants attention. When you look at it this way though, he's a child suffering from neglect, although he's rich, so he gets everything he wants he doesn't actually feel adequately loved;

He ran away from home when he was young because of a lack of attentive parents; he did this to get attention, and it's because he felt overlooked and not listened to. We see that he already acts impulsively whenever he feels slighted; this is important for his character.

.He says so sadly in the show to his date in episode 3: This was another exposition to his character's mindset; he feels misunderstood, unloved and not taken care of properly by everyone, including his so-called friends who also just see him as a child, and spoilt. He's felt always never seen. He says this after he realizes that Leo may be possibly happy without him in Italy. He was feeling lonely, irritated and bored with Leo there, but because he cared about Leo's happiness (Leo apparently said the camp was important to him), he didn't want to bother him. If Fiat were so manipulative and selfish and just saw Leo as a tool for emotional baggage he would have texted but no he conceded for Leo's wellbeing. 

His dependency on Leo: When he ran away from home when young it was Leo he went to. It's because Leo has always been his safe space, the only person apart from Type who shows Fiat in this episode that he understands why he's being so upset about the basketball thing, he protects and delivers care to Fiat. 

So why does Fiat feel neglected by Leo: because he's hurting from Leo's rejection/adamant denial that they are nothing. Fiat clearly has feelings for Leo (Stud did for Earth and also felt frustrated that he refused to take him seriously). Still, he's kind of been forced to sacrifice those feelings because he wants to keep Leo by his side. But it still 'breaks' him to do so: whenever he hurts he says stupid things, acts prideful and tries to seem spoilt hence how he spoke to Leo in this episode, but then he concedes. 

I think he's like Tharn when it comes to Leo a little bit, he's like Tharn was in season 1 when he was chasing after Type, but deciding to keep it unofficial whilst it breaks him inside and makes him even more distant that he's being overlooked.  One because like Tharn he wants to keep Leo by his side and do what he wants, so they don't fight, (sacrificial, he shows he cares a lot about Leo he's not selfish). Two because he also feels neglected by Leo for not accepting or taking his feelings seriously (hence being misunderstood).  

For his ego and self-defence mechanism,  he embraces his spoilt persona. You can tell that he only does it whenever he's hurt, scared, or his ego is failing, for example, with the basketball scene; leg hurting and throwing the ball in a fury in episode 3. 

Fiat is not selfish or manipulative; he's just spoilt. He's more like Tharn in season 1 than Type honestly. Tharn is also sometimes selfish, manipulative and stubborn when it came to Type. Tharn is just as rich as Fiat and was used to getting what he wanted. So he also threw tantrums when things didn't go his way, and he guilted Type always into conceding.  Type didn't always fall for it and was more stubborn and headstrong than Tharn.

 Leo is complicated, and if I'm seeing him like either Type or Tharn, these are his reasons for why he is not accepting his feelings.

Like Earth from Friendzone with Stud, he thinks Fiat's love is fickle; he believes he's spoilt, that he doesn't actually want him, he's just saying it as a joke. He thinks he's shameless and a nutcase, and he's just seeking attention. So even if he has feelings, he doesn't want to accept them because of this.

Because he is like Type and has some kind of internalised homophobia, forcing him to not think about Fiats feelings, they are raised in an interesting environment: status, money, reputation. Probably he, himself does not believe he could be gay and have feelings, so he sees everything he does with Fiat as friends, but he's clearly in denial about it, Just like how many times Type was in denial about what Tharn was to him and kept on insisting he didn’t see them as anything more than s*x friends. But Type learnt the hard way of what he wants especially when San entered the picture in season 1.  Type is Leo’s San, he will now force him to learn how he feels and finally accept it. 

Like Type with Tharn this season, it's about the reputation of the family, he's the person who is the closest to Fiat, and they're family friends it'll ruin what they have, the reputation of the family if they're in a phobic environment. It would be stressful to deal with the fallout. He's refused to cross that line to protect Fiat, and him like Type is doing to Tharn this season.

He just doesn't want their friendship to be ruined, so he does long and want Fiat, but he's too scared to be hurt or their relationship to stop. This is the same reason why Fiat sadly concedes, they both are keeping it undefined for each other not really seeing that they both love each other. The more Leo rejects and hurts Fiat and makes Fiat think there's no chance for them; Fiat latches more to Type who is this symbol for all the love that he never received.

 Although Leo doesn't neglect Fiat that way, he does make him feel misunderstood, stuck, and his feelings are being ignored. It's what he says to Leo, "You came too late" essentially you accepted your feelings too late. Jealousy is what will now make Leo embrace himself and push for their relationship (same as Type in season 1) whilst jealousy of Fiat's involvement will drive Tharn and Type to cross the line and get married.

Champ and Khun

 Misreading because of lack of self-esteem

Champ and Khun, my babies. Champ is going to be hurting Khun without realising it. Champ is really bad at love mostly because of lack of self-esteem, he doesn't think he's worth loving for some reason, he also doesn't see any point to love, and he's automatically cut himself of that. The thing with Champ is that Khun is different, he knows this, and I think we're going to see him feel this later on. But I think Champ and Khun are definitely like King and Ram, like King Champ is insecure about what Khun thinks of him and so he will also know how he feels but push it down because he doesn't think he's good enough for Khun.

We know that he's seen as dumb and dim, he mistakenly messed his university year, and he's just starting his business, so he's a little insecure compared to his friends.

We see how he is when it comes to love in season 1, he doesn't understand why people want him, and he doesn't feel anything to others in any way shape or form. 

It's either that or he's just so dumb that he doesn't even register how he feels for Khun as love, there other characters like him; Haruta from Ossans Love and Tonhon from Tonhon Chonlatee. They keep on flirting and doing this automatically to their love interest, but he's not going register why it's different, and this will hurt Khun because Khun won't say it out loud. 

Khun also seems like he struggles with lack of self esteem, insecurity, he's quiet and nervous all the time, he's shy and unsure about how to say to Champ how he feels, and yeh he also struggles to say how he feels. He's tried now to spend time with Champ alone twice, and he's shown annoyance in a polite way to both Type and Techno for being there. He's had feelings for Champ for seven years probably when they stayed in the same dorm, but he's not been able to gather up the courage to say so. So he's also going to be misread by Champ that he also likes keeping it cool and platonic because he doesn't know how just to say it. (Like Ram from my engineer) But I think he will get angsty the more he gets closer and unsure about what they are, and will finally say it out loud. 

Cir and Phu: 

The antithesis/symbol

Cir and Phu represent a couple that gets each other and makes an effort to let the other know how they feel, hence they don't hide or shy away from how they feel, they are blissful, in their own world, and they are the antithesis of these couples. But they also represent what these couples could be if they finally embrace their issues and see each other, Tharn and Type can finally be out and exposed to people, Leo and Fiat can finally be possessive over each other and show romantic ownership. Champ and Khun can finally tell each other how they feel and be in a relationship. 

So yeah, the couples in this show are all, significant, exciting and vital to the plot. They're not wasting camera time, especially Leo and Fiat in episode 3, we needed to understand why Fiat becomes our villain. He's perfect for it; spoilt, stubborn, and refuses to give this fight up because he's tired of being neglected. And Type represents a chance to be seen I guess to him. Tharn and Type and Leo and Fiat are mirror characters, they all learn and grow from falling in love, it doesn't mean they won't be messy, they won't make mistakes, but they're really understandable unlike some other one dimensional characters in this genre. Please give this show a break, and stop focusing on, on the surface information, listen to what the characters are saying, what has been shown and mentioned about them and think about how it affects them. Like Techno, for example, he's going to be a helping hand to these couples, for Tharn and Type he'll help push them to marriage (this is why he sends in the group chat that Tharn is cheating despite the fact he knows he's gay, he's not stupid or problematic he's up to something because he has to help Tharn find a way to make Type concede and want to be possessive of him), he'll also be necessary to Champ and Khun, he's already clued into their relationship dynamic, so he'll let Champ know the truth. He's playing the same role he did in season 1 for Tharn and Type. All these characters are essential, and they all fit the plot and pacing correctly. Stop thinking they're not. Okay, I'm done with my rant; let's see what happens next in episode 4, Ciao. 

[im-the-punk-who]

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@rnmmarchformeta​ Day 1: Tonight’s theme is: Themes

Malex and Music: Tracing a relationship through music used in the show - Part 1

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Given that both Michael and Alex have a personal connection to music, I wanted to go over some of the intricacies of what the music choices and lyrics/stories behind the songs used might tell us about Malex. The music choices in Roswell New Mexico are deliberate and often incredibly pointed. Particularly in the case of Michael and Alex there are elements of their relationship that are not so much underlined as written about only in the lyrical choices that play under their scenes. This choice for me made rewatching the series a lot of fun because as I discovered the lyrics to some of the more obscure song choices I kept discovering new intricacies and motivations for each of their decisions. Below the cut for length.

(Author’s note circa 2007:  (rawr xD) I’m focusing specifically on the parts of these songs that play over or in direct correlation to scenes where Michael and Alex are both present. I would love to explore this theme in the wider context of the whole show and how their interactions with other characters might change some of these but...this is already like 6k and that’s just how the peas and carrots cooked. That said I will be referencing other characters and relationships as relevant, particularly, I will be talking at some length about Milexa and the airstream scenes in 2x06. I personally have a favorable reading of the scenes and what they mean for Michael and Alex. I also talk briefly about Milexa in a few other spots - they’ve been marked as ‘Milexa’ or ‘Miluca’ if you wish to skip them, although I don’t know if this will make sense as a whole without them. But, should you wish. Proceed accordingly. <3)

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Posted on AO3 here.

Sedona - Houndstooth (1x01)

The first song we hear in relation to Malex is ‘Sedona’ by Houndstooth. The song plays during the reunion as we see Alex confront Michael about the chemicals found around his airstream. The verse that plays underneath the scene references how, due to its scenic beauty, the town of Sedona was once a highly sought after filming location but had fallen into obscurity when cowboy movies went out of style in the late 70′s.

Similarly, Alex tells Michael that he is ‘wasting his life.’

“Does the macho cowboy swagger thing ever get old for you?”

“Did it get old for you?”

For me, this scene is as much an introduction to the past between these two as their present. Gone but not forgotten, their interactions are a ‘script’ that the two of them play off of. In other words, Michael and Alex don’t so much interact as play off of what the other expects from the other. This becomes especially clear when in 2x05 we learn that Alex has at least once before warned Michael about ‘wasting his life.’

When The Truth Hunts You Down - Sam Tinnesz (1x01)

The next scene is this one, in which we see Alex contemplating an old picture of himself. We then see Michael watching him.

Later, the last line is overlaid with Jesse telling Kyle about the existence of aliens.

The truth about Michael’s alienness is quiet literally hunting them, but so is something about Alex’s past. As we get to know him, we learn just how much his father is interconnected with all of the worst moments in his life and everrything he has buried and tried to run from in order to avoid it. Michael, Roswell itself - Alex ran halfway across the world to try to run away from the trauma of his youth, and yet here he is.

“Nostalgia’s a bitch, huh?”

“You know I thought when I got back from Iraq you would be long gone.”

“Is that what you want?”

“We’re not kids anymore. What I want doesn't matter.” 

We also find out something of the nature of his and Michael’s relationship and that there are clearly still feelings between them - no matter how much Alex is trying to deny it.

Give Me The Night - Des Rocs (1x02)

This is one of my personal faves from the Malex soundtracks. It just *slaps* okay?

Aside from the obvious nod to Michael’s alienness, this song underscores the divide still between Michael and Alex despite the passionate kiss they shared at the reunion. Michael is initially flirtatious and full of swagger - until Alex shuts him down.

The fallacy of Alex’s rebuke and his dismissal of the feelings behind the kiss are underscored by his refusal to even look Michael in the eye as they talk. Even if he tries to deny them, the truth of his feelings hunts and haunts him because he feels he can never act on his own desires. And in turn when presented with the about face, Michael turns bitter as the push-pull is reinitiated. Michael falls back to the script they’ve been rehashing to save his feelings - ‘puts on a show’ as it were, and Alex falls for it hook, line, and sinker. He is still unwilling or unable to see the truth that lies beneath the surface.

“Isn’t there some law about building on a historical site?”

“A historical - oh you mean because the UFO crashed here? Yeah, we’re not supposed to build on Santa’s workshop either.”

For Michael, who at least to me was obviously hoping things would change this time around, this must feel like a bucket of cold water, especially in the face of Liz Ortecho’s knowledge and seeming easy acceptance of the aliens’ existence. While Max might get his happy ending, Michael is left to keep hiding from the person he loves, never being seen and wondering if Alex’s feelings are even real. 

Two Princes - Spin Doctors (1x02) (Miluca)

In rapid fire we have the next three songs as Michael and Alex spend some time at the Wild Pony. This verse plays under the interaction when Alex comes in the bar and spots Michael.

“Though he got kinda hot. In a ‘sex in a truck, smells like a river, never introduce him to your mama’ kind of way.”

“I hadn’t noticed.”

My boy. My child. My bluntest instrument in the tool kit. Has no one ever told Alex Manes that saying you hadn’t noticed an objectively hot guy is hot is basically code for ‘I haven’t stopped staring at him since I walked in and my brain is not functioning at a high enough level to mask that fact’? Son, please, this is a drunk Wendy’s.

(Also this is huge foreshadowing for Miluca - Michael and Maria don’t have sex *in* a truck but it’s pretty close, we find out later that Michael/the aliens smell like rain, and she tells him he’s not meeting her mother at one point. The angle of this shot is also, for me at least, a hint that Michael is going to become the object of these two ‘princes’ affections, at some point.)

Anyway this is basically poking fun at Alex Manes, repressed disaster, for having no clue what love is and trying to express his affection through like, everything except anything anyone would understand as romantic love. (And we will see this in the flashbacks as well as present day - that Alex mostly uses his station or advantages as a way to show the people he loves he loves them, rather than using words. When he offers Michael the shed, brings him the guitar, uses his military connections to find out about Michel’s mom, hacks into Maria’s computer...listen I got more.) But that isn’t enough, as we’re learning. If only there were some way Alex could also learn that lesson.

And seriously, “This one said he wants to buy you rockets?”

How’s It Going To Be? - Stephen Edwards (1x02)

“Is there really nobody in this world that you wouldn’t risk everything to save? Sad.”

Oh Isobel, if only you knew.

So, aside from returning the kiss Michael initiated at the reunion, Alex has soundly rejected every advance Michael has made for a relationship. Despite that Michael seems to have been harboring some hope that things might be different not that Alex is back more permanently. But now with Isobel bringing into question what he’s willing to sacrifice, I think he might be realizing that toll has been extremely steep already.

(Also truly obsessed with how both Alex and Michael have positioned themselves so that they can casually glance over at each other without arousing suspicion. *Boys*. It’s not that complicated what is this middle school?)

We know that Michael doesn’t like having to keep secrets, and again I have to wonder if he’s regretting not telling Alex he’s an alien, or wondering how that conversation would have gone.

From the previous scenes we can tell something in their relationship is coming to a head - maybe Michael is hoping it’s that he can finally stop keeping secrets from Alex and show Alex who he really is - that Alex will stop misreading him. That Alex will change.

But there is also the expectation that if that happens, Alex will likely leave again. Not just because that’s what Alex’s trauma makes him do, but also because that is how Michael frames all of his relationships. As ‘until you leaves’. He is shown to have a habit of catastrophizing because he doesn’t believe himself to ‘belong’ anywhere(HA) and this is one of those times we’re shown that.

Come With Me - Gold Star (1x02)

“Home can be a person.”

And here we have Alex “thinking about who he was” as Maria closes up the bar. Given where this scene leads with him and Michael, I think the rest of the lyrics to the song are incredibly poignant.

Tell me what were you dreaming? Tell me who were you trying to reach? Gimme something real to believe in Or gimme a reason to leave So i left her standing under shining stars in the Silver moonlight by old Borough Hall - whoever you are

We know that after this evening Alex attempts to rekindle his relationship with Michael, still thinking about who he was, and maybe for the first time trying not to run from what he wants. He’ll be unsuccessful this time, but it’s the first clue that Alex is attempting to break a pattern that has held him in place for ten years.

While he may have been misreading Michael’s stunted growth, we’re starting to see Alex contemplate change in himself. This is the start of Alex’s two season long journey to break out of the fortress he’s built around himself. To ‘put his weapons down’ in an effort to be with Michael.

(She lets her guard down on her way back//to close her eyes and fall asleep - “It was late....I was tired.”)

God of Wine - Third Eye Blind

So clearly the writers were like ‘how can we hurt Milo specifically’ because these lyrics are *so good* as we hear malex talk about the way they view their relationship for the first time in the show.

The music starts just as Michael picks up the old photographs, first of the pod squad, then of himself and Alex playing guitars in the desert. As he packs up the airstream to move it off Foster’s Ranch, Michael is also thinking about the past.

Throughout the series, we’re given a bunch of musical lines about how Michael and Alex can’t go back to what they were, that they have to move forward. And it’s true - as we’ll see over and over again the dynamic they’ve had has been incredibly unhealthy for both of them. But they also cannot avoid the other’s orbit. And when Alex comes to talk to Michael it’s the first time we see him actually decide to initiate - to try and take what he himself wants, rather than waiting or hiding from it. But it is also very much Alex falling back into the ‘madness that holds a truth he can’t erase’ of Michael’s really, very, super, incredibly obvious feelings for him. Our boy is not subtle.

But Alex is still hunted by the past - before we know his history we assume that when Alex references ‘who he was before he went to war’ he means Iraq. But Alex’s war is his father. As much as combat can absolutely be a traumatizing experience, for Alex I never really read that as his main source. As he’ll tell Forrest later - “My PTSD triggers are a little more complicated”.

And so when he tells Michael he’s been thinking about who he was “before he went to war” for me that’s more a callback to who he was before Jesse found the two of them in the toolshed. “When this started.”

As Michael tells him “From where I stand nothing’s changed”  the words “I know, I know, I know” repeat in the background because WE KNOW. We all know, except Alex.

“And that’s a problem for me, Guerin.”

And the siren’s song that is your madness

“Because every time you look at me, I’m seventeen all over again.”

holds a truth I can’t erase

“- and I forget that the last ten years even happened. And then you look away and I remember all over again. And it almost kills me every time.”

All alone on your face

“I never look away. Not really.”

For Michael this is basically confirmation of what he’s been realizing over the last few days - that Alex has been totally misreading him and that yes, Michael, you’re going to have to use your words on this one. 

To which we see Alex’s brain 404-blue-screen for a minute as he realizes what Michael means. Which I personally really appreciate.

And especially since we’ve just learned that a lyric of this song was written on Rosa’s hand the night she died, I can’t believe it’s a coincidence in this being the song that plays underneath this scene - where Alex says he was thinking about who he was before. Everything changed that day for everyone - including Michael and Alex. Michael had gained a terrible secret he couldn’t share, that meant he changed his whole life and started needing to hide and lie and act out, and Alex - not knowing the truth - assumed that it was Michael’s way of trying to push him away and end the relationship. Which leads to the decades long miscommunication of Alex seeing Michael do that over and over again.

For the last ten years, Alex has been seeing Michael as the boy who looks away, then looks back. A Michael whose focus shifts to and away from him and who he sees as wasting his life; directionless and aimless. But as he realizes what Michael is saying he has to recalibrate everything he’s thought their relationship is.

This is possibly the first time Alex has realized that his view of Michael has been wrong. That he really doesn’t know Michael at all.

And we know this interaction has a profound impact on Alex in terms of how he views their relationship. I feel like this is one of those things that becomes a mantra for Alex, later down the line. He repeats it to Michael at Caulfield, and in his song as well, “You never looked away, now I won’t look away” to express his commitment to breaking down the walls he has built up for himself. 

Even though we know the relationship is doomed at this point, it’s the first time a stone falls from the walls Alex has built around himself in a decade.

Here - Chance Peña - 1x03 (Alternate title: “Home”)

Okay I would like to petition to make it illegal to have unreleased songs in episodes, Chance Peña help a bitch out. I had to watch a *fish show* to hear the full lyrics because they’re edited in the show! ( I will also note the next lyric is ‘goodbye, my dear’ which. rude.)

Anyway, we’re given these lyrics as Michael wakes up to seeing Alex has stayed the night. I took the editing, with the previous song choices, to be a reaffirmation of this being something new to Alex, but not necessarily to Michael. Michael knows what he wants from a relationship with Alex - even if he’s put the hope aside from time to time the want is always clear.

For Alex though, a relationship with Michael is something that scares him because of his fear that it can be taken away. (”I just thought that I could be happy, and not be afraid that if I loved anything my dad would destroy it.”) He is trying to make it work - “drawing near” to Michael - but he knows that in order to do that he is going to need to be uncomfortable. To face the fears that have held him back and kept him in comfortable limbo for so long.

I’m also going to flail about how, while RNM has the song listed as ‘Here’, the producer of the other show(Battlefish) identified the song as ‘Home’. I hope I don’t have to yell at y’all, other Roswell New Mexico fans, about how often that word has snuck up on me and knifed me in the back regarding malex. Especially since Alex *is* currently - well, here. With his home. Kill me please it would be kinder.

But then of course we see the old insecurities pop up again as Isobel arrives. Even if he is trying - Alex is nowhere near ready to jump out of the closet yet.

Fast Aint Good Enough - Inkwell Echo (1x06)

I debated adding this one because it’s a little bit reachy, but I thought it was significant in that even when they were seventeen, the thing Alex is ‘afraid of’ is his feelings for Michael - not necessarily of being gay but of what people like Kyle and his father do with information like that.

Wish I’d found the words when we were seventeen-

Kyle asks

“What are you so afraid of?”

-just as Alex catches sight of Michael.

(“I wanted to be the kind of person who won battles. It felt good.”)

Aside from Alex’s general need to protect Michael in any and all situations, I feel like the lyrics of this song - about the singer’s attempt to leave an abusive relationship - underscore that even before the toolshed, Alex was fighting. Even before the toolshed, he has been fighting to this cycle he is trapped in.

While he and Michael build their relationship he starts thinking seriously about leaving and not just surviving but he will ultimately choose to trap himself for years in order to hide his love for Michael.

Like so many gay kids, Alex is fighting a system that deems him guilty of sin - and takes his fighting back as a sign of his guilt. And in order to actually be able to love Michael, he is going to have to figure out how to put down the weapons and the hurt and break the cycle.

First Day Of My Life - Bright Eyes (1x06)

Are they serious right now I swear to god.

So obviously, we’ve got the origins for everything we’re told about Michael and Alex’s lives changing based on their feelings for each other in like two and a half verses of song. Forget the entire second season we have everything we need right here.

“It was the first time I liked our hometown, though.”

-

“Alex made me believe there was a place for me here.”

We know that for both of them this is really a moment of self discovery as much as it is a discovery about each other. 

For Michael in particular, who doesn’t know why he’s here or who he really is, and who previously had no plans besides leaving the planet, this is the moment that he realizes what he wants - to be with Alex.

And for Alex, to me, this moment is a brief glimpse into what his life could be like. We don’t have any confirmation if Michael is his first kiss with a boy or not, but we do know that this moment is significant in that it’s the first that makes Roswell feel like a place he enjoys being.

And as he is realizing that, the lyrics echo it -

But I realized that I need you // And I wondered if I could come home

(Screeching from the background: WOULD YOU COME HOME)

But of course, as the song says, these things take forever because...well....

(It’s because Alex is dumb. My poor dumb emotionally stunted child. Please go to therapy.)

In essence, this is the moment that sets Michael and Alex on their entwined path. The path that Alex will have to fight to get back to - the path Michael will lose faith in before he later starts to regain the hope that it exists. I also like to think about the link between the last lines:

Remember the time you drove all night // Just to meet me in the morning?

and the line from ‘Would You Come Home’

Would you meet me in the middle // Could we both stop keeping score?

I like to think about the parallel here, about meeting people where they’re at, and the love and care and effort it takes to be willing to drive all night to meet someone. Listen a bitch is soft and gay don’t look at me.

You Can’t Love Me - Novi & Tyler Blackburn (1x12)

(*Whispers and rocks back and forth* this is fine it’s all fine)

Once again we have a song whose lyrics give us a tailor made road map to Malex, and will pop up later in ‘Would You Come Home’. We’ve already seen the implosion of the way Michael and Alex have been orbiting each other for a decade, but now that Alex knows the truth, he actually has the ability to understand Michael in ways he hasn’t been able to before. (Something we’ll see later in Season 2 when he talks with Maria.)

And because of that, we see the true beginning of the journey of Michael and Alex back to one another in a healthier way.

But part of that journey is going to be realizing that what they’ve been doing and the way they have loved each other in the past isn’t sustainable - and maybe isn’t even the way they want to love each other.

“They’re my family, Alex!”

“Alright, maybe! But you are mine. I don’t look away, Guerin.”

“No. We’ve been holding onto this thing. And it’s gotten us nowhere. Just let it go.”

Even though the words are said in anger, there is some truth to what Michael says. Their relationship so far hasn’t been a good one. Where Alex is trying to repeat the words that Michael said to him that made such an impact on him, Michael is (well, a, trying to save his dumb boyfriend from getting flambayed) using the opportunity to reveal how little faith he has in their relationship. To say that no, this doesn’t feel like love.

But as much as the song lyrics are about loving someone who isn’t good for you, they’re also about changing and growing, and about a commitment to be better.

(Sound familiar? Brb, I’m gonna go jump off a cliff.)

Love is messy, and especially for Michael and Alex, love has always been something that hurts. “Home is where the hurt is” - and a really important part of their journey is realizing that, and realizing there is a different way of loving each other.

Additionally for Alex, this is when he starts to realize the full extent of his family’s involvement in hunting and hurting Michael’s family. It isn’t just his dad - his entire family line has been involved in this since before Alex was born. And still is. This is really where he starts realizing the roots of the guilt and shame he’s going to have to deal with in order to be anything to Michael - not even a partner but a friend.

This is the first step in that journey. Not just the commitment that yes - I want to build a home for you - but that first, I don’t know, maybe I need to put down these weapons and pick up a different set of tools?

ON TO SEASON TWO

[voxofthevoid]

Taking It Up The Ass Isn’t Character Growth - A Rant

So, in response to an ask a while back, I said I had a rant brewing on fandom and sex positions, and well, a lot of you wanted to see it, so here you go. You literally asked for it.

Disclaimer: This is going to talk a lot about top/bottom roles in slash fic and fandom attitude towards them and is heavily filtered through the lens of my own tastes and experiences with fandom. I’d also like to be upfront that I am 100% in favor of people writing whatever fictional content they want, and it’s not what fandom does with characters that bothers me but rather how that translates into attitudes towards real, live people. Also, this is the essay version of a slow burn AU because I regurgitate my entire fandom history before getting to the point. Beware.

I discovered fan-fiction around a decade ago, had no clue what the hell it was, got hooked and dived deeper. I started participating in fandom circa 2013, and I was fairly young and also completely inexperienced both sexually and romantically. The fandom in question was Hannibal and my ship of choice was Hannibal/Will. It was/is a very chill fandom in general, but we had our drama. And chief among the contentious topics was—you guessed it—the top/bottom debate. I can’t actually remember any other topic that was discussed and argued for so ardently in that fandom, at least in those days. Even after I drifted away, I came across a few posts on the matter.

Generally, you had two camps—people who supported strict roles and those who were in favor of switching*. And because we’re a society plagued by illogical assumptions, the strict role camp mostly had people who thought Mr. Big Bad Cannibal in the Fancy Suits wouldn’t take it up the ass because he’s older, more experienced, more mentally stable, and of course, more ‘dominant’ in personality. Yes, that sentence is chock full of problematic shit. I am aware. Lots of people were aware and argued strongly against attributing top/bottom roles to personality. I don’t remember anyone arguing as enthusiastically for Top Will, but those voices were also there. But the general idea was that assigning strict top/bottom roles to a male/male couple was casting them in a heterosexual mold and thus, the progressive option was to make them switch. Strict roles also garnered comparisons to “yaoi” and uke/seme stereotypes, which was of course bad and fetishizing and we, the Western media fans, of course had to do better. Stealth racism is fun to untangle.

Anyway, I lapped up the woke juice. Partly because I was a baby queer from Buttfuck Nowhere, Asia, who had zero exposure to LGBT+ communities and what queer folks did with each other. Partly because it was the stance taken by most of my favorite writers so it seemed like a good position to emulate.

Emulate it I did. Most discussions I had about this happened in private with the handful of close friends I had in fandom. Where it really showed was in my writing. I made sure to write switching—maybe not in every fic, but then I alternated between fics. Thing is though, I did have a preference. I liked Top Will. I created and consumed a ton of Top Hannibal, and sometimes it was okay, sometimes it was not, but I couldn’t pinpoint why it made me uncomfortable. Back then, I thought I was a cis questioning/bi girl and once again, the impression I got was that not being MLM, having a preference was automatic fetishization. So I tried my best to justify my preferences, to my friends at least. I think what I said was that fandom was skewed towards Top Hannibal, and I liked the opposite because I’m a contrary fuck. Which I am, to be fair, but this was just me desperately trying to figure shit out without being offensive.

That’s the line I touted all the way until 2018, which was when I fucked off to grad school in A City, finally freed of Buttfuck Nowhere and able to actually date. At this point, I was settled in my sexuality (girls only) and questioning my gender (non-binary or trans guy). I had also tentatively figured out during undergrad that I’m an exclusive top and a Dom. Actual attempts at dating cemented that, yes, those are my preferences, about as flexible as a steel rod. Cue motherfucking epiphany over my fanfic tastes.

And see, over these years, I was engaging intermittently with fandom. I dutifully wrote switch couples. I also continued to have rigid tastes and continued to explain it away as being a contrary fuck—to be fair, until Steve/Bucky, my preference did seem to be the opposite of the larger fandom preference. But correlation, as we know, isn’t causation. Until Steve/Bucky, I continued to write versatile couples because I honestly didn’t have the guts to just say I liked it just one way. I do now but even then, I feel compelled to add that it’s because I want to see my own taste reflected in fic, so I write/read the character I relate to as a top, it's not that deep etc. Would I be as forthright if I didn’t have that reason? Would I have such strict preferences in fic if I didn’t have strict preferences IRL? The latter’s a mystery, but the former isn’t—I wouldn’t be because fandom is still entrenched in the same ideas that got me to this point to begin with.

In every fandom I’ve been in, I’ve seen some version of this debate go around. Sometimes, it’s one party saying “why would you write Character X as a bottom, he’s so Reason A” and a reblog chain that insults the OP and/or extols the virtues of switching. Sometimes, it’s a general-ish message that says they don’t understand why people have strict preferences when we all know real gay couples switch. Sometimes, it’s blanket statements that accuse anyone with preferences of fetishizing. Sometimes, it’s the same reasoning that gets you “Character Y is a top because of Reason B” transposed on versatile couples except this takes the form of “they switch because they’re equals.”

Ya’ll, I’m fucking tired.

I have long since lost count of the number of stories I’ve seen where an exclusive top learning bottom and liking it is character growth. Where a character who prefers to bottom taking a turn on top is empowering.

Isolated, these are fine. But I’ve seen enough of such stories that it’s distinctly discomfiting and a major squick. Sometimes a trigger, if I'm too immersed in the story. I’m not going to try and burn an author at the stake because they pissed me off. I am just going to close that window and quietly handle my shit. People can write whatever they want. But this one theme hits too close to home, as you can see from this 1.6k rant.

My friend (also my ex-girlfriend) and I had an all-out bitching session about this the other day. Both of us are kinky fuckers who have rigid, complementary roles we prefer and we have both had our grueling days of struggling to reconcile our sexual tastes with our ideologies precisely because of how these things are frowned upon in conservative and progressive circles. Seeing that in fandom, of all places, is both insulting and exhausting. Topping and bottoming aren’t personality traits. Neither is D/s. It’s sexual preference and power play. It really does not have to be that deep. I am not exorcising childhood trauma using the bodies of women. My partners, former and current, have not been brainwashed by the patriarchy. We will not become better, more complete individuals once I magically stop being a stone top and my partners embrace the joys of a strap-on.

I have, with my own two eyes, seen someone say that in a really committed relationship, of course the couple will switch.

Bullshit.

It’s transparent bullshit. This does not get attributed to cisgender M/F couples. Even when the automatic assumptions of woman = bottom and man = top get addressed, switching isn't presented as the default. No one’s saying “oh, if you really love your husband, you’ll peg him”. I do know butch/femme sapphic couples get their own share of shit. Because it’s all heteronormativity, right? Can’t have any other reason for top/bottom roles.

You have two extremes with “so who’s the woman” on one end and “it’s woke only if they switch” on the other, and as far as I’m concerned, they’re equally damaging. There shouldn’t be a pressure, however subtle, to conform your taste in fiction to some arbitrary idea of progressiveness. People are going to like whatever they want anyway; all this does is create an atmosphere where those likes can’t always be freely expressed without a lot of mental gymnastics. We’re seeing so many versions of this in the pushback against so-called problematic content, but smaller, subtler versions exist too.

Fictional characters aren’t real. They can be whatever you want them to be. And yes, other people will often want them to be the exact opposite of your ideas, but that’s just how things work. Meanwhile, the people behind these usernames? They’re real. No one should be throwing real people under the bus to ‘protect’ characters that don’t exist. Hannibal Lecter doesn’t care whether he gets fucked or dismembered in Author B’s fanfiction, but the discourse that surrounds the dick up his ass? That does affect flesh and blood people.

I am not claiming that this is the only attitude in fandom. Middlegrounds do exist. Plenty of people abide by fic and let fic and there are folks who pipe up to say not every RL queer couple switches. But it’s often the extremes that reach most people. That was certainly my experience, and I’m not the only one.

I don’t really know how to end this post. It is 100% a rant and one that’s been building up for a while. Bottom line is that people’s sexual behavior varies wildly and whenever you attack sexual tastes in fanfic by saying it’s unrealistic - or worse because let’s be real, that’s a very tame word choice - please remember that there’s likely someone out there who practices it.

* I’m using switch and versatile synonymously in this post. It’s mostly concerned with top/bottom debates. A lot of what I’m saying is also echoed in portrayals of and discussions surrounding D/s dynamics, but I’m not addressing that as much for now.  

[personalcoachingcenter]

Women in Leadership – How Can Coaching Support Female Leaders

New Post has been published on https://personalcoachingcenter.com/women-in-leadership-how-can-coaching-support-female-leaders/

Women in Leadership – How Can Coaching Support Female Leaders

Lets talk about Women in Leadership

I would like to start by saying that I am very passionate about working as a coach with women, see how we think, dream, grow and change – celebrate our diversity.

We live in a very masculine world still and it has been my mission to investigate the ways we can support each other as women, get to know each other´s needs, and face all the difficulties that come with our gender when working as professionals. We need to talk about changing the way things are and dream big, to know that we can do anything we want in our lives truly free, liberated, intelligent, and confident.

  In this paper I will present the following topics:

The myths about female leaders

Difference between two genders

Female Leaders Coaching

Gender differences and Coaching

The Role of Coaching

Female Leaders Coaching Model – PASS

Survey

The Myths That Hold Women Back at the Workplace

Gender inequality exists in the workplace. As women we need to be diligent to keep the conversation about it going, talking about the diversity at work as well as how to build resilience. Inequality has been an issue for decades and concerns every woman that enters the professional career, therefore, tackling the issues has become especially difficult as we became desensitized, so it is essential to be bold and speak out about the common myths of gender inequalities as they appear.

The False Four (Common Myths About Female Professionals):

Women Choose to Devote the Time to the Family Instead of the Workplace

The assumption here is that women cannot handle the demanding family life and the dynamic work life. It is unfair to assume that a woman will not take the lead of the project because that would mean more hours or that the single woman has to take all the workload that nobody else wants to catch up on.

Having children is not an excuse to withhold a growth opportunity from a woman at work. Women are often pillars of our homes and our communities and children are not our excuses, they are our REASON.

Women are really good at multitasking. If you want something to be done, ask a woman!

Women Are Too Emotional to Lead

Women leaders are not too emotional, there is time and place that there is a space to show great empathy. A woman´s ability to show empathy uses thoughtfulness and her intuition is not a sign of weakness. It makes a very positive work culture and certainly does not lead to emotional decision-making.

Statistics on women’s leadership do not support this myth, Peterson Institute of International Economics of Business analyzed the data from 22.000 globally trading companies in 91 countries, showed that having at least 30% of women in leadership positions adds 6% to the net profit margin of a business.

Women Are Just Not Interested in Technology and Other Male-Dominated Industries

Women seek degrees in male-dominated industries at considerable rates but men are still preferred in the male domains more than women as well as receive bigger salaries than their female counterparts.

Younger Women Are More Valuable at Work Than Older Ones

This is not a competition. All women are valuable, and “when you are living and breathing you are not done”. Age and wisdom is an incredible asset.

Now, we need to remember that if you tell a lie often enough you really start to believe it, if we believe the myths and untruths about women in the workplace we will take them as factual representations of gender inequality.

The bottom line is that you do not have to accept the myths, the mold, the status quo, you can create your own reality.

Supporting other women is our mission!

Difference Between Two Genders

Men and women are guided by their own logic and perspective respectively. They think, act, and are educated differently. They look, observe, perceive, highlight and fulfill their needs in different ways. Some claim that the differences are due to socio-cultural, educational, psychological, and even biological questions. Therefore, one can start reflecting on the situation raising the question: Women and Men, two worlds or two viewpoints?

Social Viewpoint: Personal Relationships

Historically, there are different expectations towards men and women. Women are expected to provide support, be understanding and offer service, whereas men are expected to be successful professionally, provide for their household, be strong, decided, and in control.

Women´s satisfaction, in general, is related to their social interactions and their family bonds, so they choose to cooperate and accept that their contribution can serve a bigger purpose. Women need to find pleasure in their day-to-day activities, therefore, their professional life must allow for family time. The professional and family lives are integrated, they are one.

Psychological Viewpoint: Intuition and Creativity

Women use intuition as a tool when rational thinking is not enough in their workplace. Logic is indispensable to organize thoughts and emotions, however, it should not discard the intuitive intelligence, which for various reasons tends to be the female domain. Unfortunately, in the professional surrounding, intuition tends to be overlooked and its importance belittled.

Both intuition and creativity are mostly developed in the right hemisphere of the brain.

Emotional Viewpoint: Emotional Intelligence

Emotion – the definition says it is: ¨instinctive or intuitive feeling as distinguished from reasoning or knowledge.¨ Daniel Goleman defines Emotional Intelligence as a person’s ability to manage their feelings so that those feelings are expressed appropriately and effectively. According to Goleman, emotional intelligence is the largest single predictor of success in the workplace.

In the research conducted by Goleman, it is showed that on average women have more awareness of their emotions, show more empathy, and are more capable of creating interpersonal relationships.

Biological and Organic Viewpoint: Brain

According to scientists the differences between female and male brains can derive from genetic factors. Neuroscience states that each person develops based on their natural genetic identity. There is a biological platform that underlies the existence of two kinds of the brain: a masculine brain and the feminine one. The differences are observed in both: the development and reaching maturity of some parts of the brain, especially when it comes to children; girls´ brain seems to mature earlier than the boys´ one.

Not only do the female and male brains vary in their architecture but also in a way they establish the strategies to process information and emotions but also in a way of generating responses.

Furthermore, the magnetic resonance shows that man has more grey matter in the brain, which indicates more activity in the left hemisphere and predominant logical thinking and women demonstrate having more white matter, which in turn proves brain´s activity takes place in both hemispheres simultaneously, which reduces the division between logical and intuition activities in the female brain.

Female Leaders Coaching

Coaching strategies depend on the coachee, therefore I would like to describe the various coaching niches/gaps where coaching can support and help women. The following issues raised here aim at identifying a few contexts, in which a woman’s situation differs from the men’s one.

The gaps that still kept in several economic sectors, where a woman does not have equal opportunities to access certain positions and the energy and effort invested there is considerably bigger than the one required from their male counterparts.

The limiting beliefs engraved in women’s minds about the social roles and the way they ¨should¨ act, speak, look, be as professionals, mothers, wives, daughters, sisters, students, etc…

Self – limitations that a woman imposes on herself as a professional, which can cause a lack of self-esteem and confidence and finally incapability to peruse her goals.

A very short history of female leadership in the world requires paving the way for others without valid models or success stories to follow, that would help to learn and navigate in the man´s world.

Personal attributes and leadership qualities are demonstrated by a woman apart from her specifically feminine characteristics that she starts to express in the workplace and that is perceived as an added value to compete and develop.

The difficulties to reach a natural balance between the personal wellbeing and of others surrounding them that is projected in the work-life.

The above issues raise many existential topics for women, which question their values, personal and professional behaviors, the meaning of their realizations and satisfaction as well as future projections like:

Could my life be different?

Do I want it to be different?

Which aspect of my life do I want to be different?

How far do I want to get?

What is it that I really want, what does it mean to me to be successful?

Why do I desire something?

Am I aware of the internal resources I possess that I necessary to make the change in me and my surrounding?

Do I have a plan for life to achieve what I want?

How will I carry it out?

How can I include the people I care about in this plan?

How will I know that I have reached my goals?

What can I do to keep growing?

Coaching that can recognize personal circumstances and differences can be most effective in this internal dialogue carried out by the women.

Gender Differences and Coaching

Psychological Differences and Coaching

When it comes to coaching women it is important to remember that women are more motivated and interested in:

Self-development.

Achieving objectives for the whole team.

Team success.

Working in the atmosphere of cooperation rather than competition.

Tend to take responsibility for the mistakes rather than blaming others in general.

Taking the above factors into consideration can help the coach relate better, understand the problem properly and assist the coachee in coming up with solutions.

Communication Differences and Coaching

The main difference in communication between men and women is the reason why they decide to communicate and what they are talking about.

Jennifer Coates studied discussion groups of only men and only women and noticed that when women talk among themselves they reveal much more of their personal lives. They also tackle more personal issues, spend more time on them, and make sure that all of them participate in the conversation.

Men, on the other hand, do not tend to speak about their personal issues but choose to focus on topics like politics, religion, sports, news, art, history, etc. Jennifer also noticed that when the groups are mixed men tend to speak more, express their opinions with more confidence, irrespectively of their status or position in the company. In contrast, women strive to connect and generate intimacy while communicating.

The Role of Coaching

Coaching helps to make choices in the professional areas, assists the woman to find the passion and the meaning because it is essential to be successful, happy, and truly accountable. Self–awareness plays a vital role in this process as well as knowing what your strengths and desires are, who you are, what are your values, and being able to assess yourself every step of the way. It is important that the women can dream about what they really want to experience in their lives.

A coach can also help the coachee in building their self-confidence but getting to know themselves.

Another very important way, the coach can contribute to the growth of a woman coachee is to help her create a support network that consists of meaningful relationships, and establish the action strategies focused on achieving her goals. A coach can achieve that by:

Embrace and strengthen the way the woman sees herself (self–perception) at work and analyze the ways, the woman can emphasize their strengths when establishing new contacts, feeling authentic, true to herself.

Plan and prepare to generate new contacts proactively, defining where, how, and when.

Reinforce the existing contacts, focusing on deciding where to invest best.

Differentiate the professional contacts from the family, social, and others because each of them requires a different treatment and involves a different bonding style.

A coach can assist their female client to find the balance between professional and family life, develop themselves in all aspects of their lives to become complete human beings, and build resilience.

Resilience

Women and men that bear the positions of Leaders need to face lots of pressure, long working hours, and daily challenges. The difference between men and women is that women go to work, “change the hat” and start their “other” job, which is exhausting and may lead women to reconsider their careers. Some women flourish, some other diminish under such conditions.

Resilience is necessary to work and maintain your skills up high. Resilience is a process in which a person can think, act successfully under pressure, and recover quickly, adapt to new circumstances, and even become stronger.

Women are usually very demanding towards themselves when working and growing, however, to be sustainable in the process they need to overcome several problems and obstacles, they should also understand and reinforce their support system, physical, mental, emotional, and spiritual health. Therefore, the development of balanced resilience consists of:

Cognitive Resilience: Working on creating positive beliefs about themselves and the world by recognizing the negative beliefs, extending their ability to resolve the problems, and identifying their strengths.

Emotional Resilience: Recognize and develop their own emotions and other people´s emotions and the ability to manage their impulsiveness.

Attitude Resilience: build sustainable networks, take care of the physical aspects in the moments of crisis and reinforce the self-esteem by focusing on their strengths.

Female Leaders Coaching Model – Pass

I would like to present a PASS coaching model, which I will describe in detail in my coaching model paper. It consists of:

P – Personal – Here, a coach and a coachee create a relationship based on mutual trust and confidence. It is established by being present and accepting at all times.

This stage is very important for female coachees as in general they are all about bonding and creating relationships

A – Awareness – Here, a coach helps the coachee to gain self-awareness through several tools.

S – Structure – Here, a coach challenges the clients via powerful questions, helps them to identify their goals, and accompanies the coachee in finding the best-suited structure and action plan.

S – Support – Here, a coach supports the coachee in following through with their action plan and becomes the accountability partner, a team player, a kind and supportive mirror for the clients.

Survey

When I was writing this paper I conducted a mini-survey, I asked 35 women, professionals, from different countries and various walks of life about their present job satisfaction.

My main purpose was to measure their job satisfaction and to see what are the biggest motivators and obstacles for them.

The survey consisted of 10 multiple questions and according to the responses in questions number 9 women rely on the family members for support when tackling changes in the professional field. That would confirm the opinion I expressed earlier in this paper that women rely on the family members and the relationships they have built throughout the years.

In question 4, it is so clear to see that all women know their skills. I mentioned in previous points that women seem to be more directed inside rather than outside and they tend to know their strengths and weaknesses better.

In question 10, women mentioned that poor promotion and development opportunities seem to be the biggest challenge, but not only, creating relationships with co-workers is another big challenge, which also proves what has mentioned earlier that women are focused on creating relationships.

A Research Paper By Aleksandra Kowalska, Business Coach, in SPAIN

References

(203) The myths that hold back women at the workplace | Star Jones | TEDxVitosha – YouTube

Desarollo y Coaching de Mujeres Lideres, Fabiana Gadow, Granica

Emotional Intelligence, Daniel Goleman

Women, men and language, Jennifer Coates, Pearson Longman, London

Original source: https://coachcampus.com/coach-portfolios/research-papers/women-in-leadership/

[hennyjolzen]

Smell Your Way Home A razzle of citrus. Cut grass. Spike of bergamot crushed between dogteeth. Star-scent. Shiver-musk. Your antennae quiver with sparkling electrons. You hum and skim through oak trees, singing with your whole body until you reach it: the hollowed out oak trunk. The place your brothers and sister have been covering with a perfume called 'home'.   "Swarming bees locate a new hive and attract the rest of the colony through the use of a pheromone called Nasanov that includes such familiar terpenoids as geraniol, nerolic acid, and citral acid. Produced by glands placed parenthetically around a worker bee’s stinger, beekeepers have noted that the Nasanov pheromone can be detected by a naked human nose and smells of lemongrass. This is a fact that beekeepers take advantage of when they use lemongrass essential oil to trap bees or introduce them to a new 'hive'. In fact, bees' lives are intimately orchestrated by smells. The smells of flowers and, most importantly, the pheromones secreted by their queen. The queen coordinates behavior, hive-building, defensive techniques, and nectar-collecting strategies via her pheromones. Interestingly enough, if you remove a queen and wait for her 'smell' to blow away, you insert in another queen and drastically alter the collective behavior of the hive. The bees live in the Queen’s smell, her atmospheric aroma, like we live inside culture, unwittingly letting it orchestrate and organize our tasks and lives. Beekeepers have observed that when dealing with an aggressive hive, if you remove the queen and let her pheromones fade before adding in a 'gentle' queen substitute, you can create the conditions for a 'calm' colony.   "Smell is vital across species. Dogs are the most popular example, smelling oncoming seizures in human owners, unearthing Iron Age corpses, and locating prized truffles blooming darkly below the duff. In Texas, cadaver compound was injected into oil pipes, and the pipes were observed for vulture activity to locate where the pipes had sprung a leak. The vultures honed in on the smell of corpse emanating from the broken pipes. Elephants choose the most nutritious, highest sugar-content fruit, by way of a scent evaluation. Recent studies at Oxford University’s Department of Zoology demonstrated that Scopoli shearwater birds navigate great distances across water by way of 'olfactory maps'. The study shows that many other birds find their way home by smell. The ocean is an odoriferous landscape. It is a series of perfumed songlines. "The idea of songlines might not be that much of a stretch. The Vibration Theory of Smell posits that just as smell is, in a manner, touch – an interaction between scent molecules 'touching' into the olfactory cleft of our nose and setting off a domino-chain of electrons – so smell might also be sound. First formulated by Malcom Dyson in 1928, it suggests that a molecule’s smell is due to its vibration frequency. The theory has received pushback from the 'shape' theory, which posits that molecular shape is more important than vibration, but as a poet, I am drawn to the lyrical nature of smell as song. Perhaps that’s why, faced by impoverished smell vocabulary, we rely on phrases like 'chord' or 'note' or 'symphony' when describing perfumes and complex aromas.   "Humans, although we live in a culture biased towards visual and auditory stimuli, receive a remarkable amount of information via smell. Recent research has upended the myth that humans are smell deficient. The human nose is capable of distinguishing over a trillion distinct odors. A Scottish woman named Joy Milne can accurately make a diagnosis of Parkinson with her nose. In fact, her nose is a finer diagnostic tool than any technology, picking up the disease years before it even registers on traditional tests. It may be that this skill isn’t just her superpower. We are all making subconscious decisions based on smell all the time, like the worker bees inside the pheromonal ocean of the queen’s influence. In a famous study nicknamed the 'sweaty T-shirt' experiment, a Swiss scientist Claus Wedekind showed that people exposed to T-shirts soaked in different people’s body odor, unknowingly and consistently picked the T-shirt from the person with the histocompatibility gene (MHC) that was most different from their own. The MHC gene is responsible for the growth of a healthy immune system and it has been shown that mates that represent a diverse combination of MHC genes produce healthier, more immunologically robust children. Studies aside, most people have had the experience, at least once in their life, of smelling a lover’s body odor and knowing deeply, somatically, that there is chemistry. What if we didn’t date via visual cues, but dated via smell? Would we make better partner choices?   "We smell events before they happen. Cut grass blows downwind. Bad smells shepherd us away from fire, from pollutants, from eating rotten food. We smell events that have happened. And memory is intimately entangled with smell. A perfect blend of lily and gardenia summons my grandmother with such vivacity that the rest of her easily materializes: I see her powder blue dress, her dove broach, her mischievous eyes. Long dead, I open her old perfume jar and suddenly I can touch her again, speak to her. Smell is often the doorway into other sensory experiences. The Song of Songs, one of the most popular parts of the Jewish Bible, is a glossary of erotic smells. The smell of spikenard and aloes and myrrh leads us through the Gospels. Jesus is constantly anointed, washed, articulated by smell. As a writer, I have observed in the writing I love and the writing that I create, that smell is one of the most effective ways to build an embodied world. We know that most of taste is really smell. The first mouthful of wine on a summer night. The dark cherry of black coffee sipped as the sun spills into your living room.   "The artist Kate McLean, interested in biosemiotics defined as the exchange of sensory signals between animals and their environments, has created a project called Sensory Maps. She gets people to 'map' their cities by smell and creates complex 'smellscape' maps with the aggregate information she receives from participants. Mostly focusing on urban environments, McLean has suggested these maps can be utilized by Urban planners and developments. Where should smells be preserved? Where should we not develop, due to a bad odor? Diving into her work, I was immediately reminded of Bernie Krause and his Acoustic Niche Hypothesis in relationship to Soundscape Ecology. The theory is that animals in a shared ecosystem develop different tones and rhythms that collaborate like an orchestra. Each sound finds its perfect channel so that it doesn’t 'interrupt' anyone else’s song. "Poetically thinking with the Vibration theory of smell as being related to sound, I wonder what an Aroma Niche Hypothesis would look like? Do ecosystems evolve complex symphonies of smell – fungal, vegetal, animal, elemental – that all cooperate and combine into a polyphony? And if this is true, what of anthropogenic smell? What about smell pollution that is so pervasive it almost, especially in the smell maps of Kate Mclean, overwhelms any other biological, environmentally excreted perfumes? What if birds can’t find their song/smell lines across the ocean? What if we are wearing so much synthetic perfume that we can’t make a correct olfactory assessment of a potential mate? "I’m not trying to answer any questions. I’m trying to smell them. I’ve always had a problematically sensitive nose. I can smell when someone is sick before they know it. There are certain mycelium I know by a taste as I walk over their hidden underground bodies, not their visible fruiting mushrooms. I have often thought I will know I have found my partner when my nose tells me. My nose will know, better than my mind ever will. In fact, I harbor a deep, mushy belief that my nose is my most direct connection to my heart.   "What if, taking our inspiration from Kate McLean, and bringing it out of human-dominated environments, we tried to retrain our noses to detect subtle cues. What if you mapped your neighborhood? A nearby trail? Keep a notebook of smell observations. Don’t worry about using smell words. Make something up. Use a color. A sound. A feeling. The English language needs to be composted. It needs neologisms and kennings that properly reflect our ability to detect over a trillion different 'smell songs'.  Smell is haptic. It reflects our intimacy with the world every time we breathe in volatile molecules and let them cascade into our brain chemistry. Smell is song, vibrating with melodic messages about behavior and mates and environmental hazards. And smell is deeply erotic. It connects us with our deep somatic appetites. Maybe it even guides us toward our ecological olfactory niche. Just like the bees follow the lemongrass pheromone to their new hive, maybe smell can show us how to get 'home': home, for me, being a state of mind. A state of mind where I realize everything is alive. Everything is funky. Musty. Lusting. Loving. Everything, even without a voice, without a sound, is talking.

Sophie Strand

[arotechno]

The Heartless: Chapter 16

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Chapter XVI: in which the winter melts into spring

Somewhere amid the nagging guilt and restlessness swirling in my chest, I managed to find some semblance of peace in Verdigris. Winter descended thick and heavy on the commune in the form of blankets of white snow that piled high outside the frosted windowpanes. As I got my strength back, I took it upon myself to make sure there was always wood in the stove and a decent stockpile outside. Basil helped Frida in the clinic, and from time to time we’d take beleaguered and meandering walks through the snowdrifts bundled up in hats and scarves to attend meetings in the central square. With his penchant for conflict resolution, Basil was often at the forefront of these meetings, slipping easily into philosophical preaching that always seemed to smooth things over. On one occasion, it dawned on me that his tree-stump declaration that fateful day hadn’t been entirely for naught, and I chuckled under my breath at the thought, earning an odd look from Frida beside me. I had once viewed my best friend as someone never meant to stay still; he was larger than life, a big fish in a small pond. When we were children, Basil always seemed like his personality was too big for his body. But looking at him now, alight with hope and pride for his community, it was clear to me that he was exactly where he was meant to be, and it was I who had outgrown my own bones and learned to run from them.

The people of Verdigris, in line with Basil’s own experiences, embraced me as one of their own almost immediately, despite the temporary nature of my residency. There was a seamstress who would trip over her own feet to repair or replace my clothes without even being asked, and a brother and sister pair who taught me my way around a blade in exchange for help repairing their roof after the heavy snowfall busted a hole into their kitchen. There were a handful of smaller children living in the commune who had grown up there, and a selfish part of me envied them for having never believed they were broken, for never being told they could be fixed. The better part of me was hopeful for a future in which that would always be true.

All the while, I was planning anxiously for my return to the Village of the Heartless. It would be a long journey, travelling south from Verdigris and circling all the way around the far outskirts of Amistadia as to avoid being spotted and recognized by the wrong people.

Eventually, the snow melted, and the days began to grow longer. The trees blossomed and the community garden sprouted with new growth. Basil relied less heavily on the use of his cane as the weather grew warmer, and I began to feel renewed strength in my body after several months of healing, working, and resting. I spent the days preparing in earnest, taking runs and walks through the woods to remind my muscles what it felt like to travel under cover of foliage and by the light of the sun, moon, and stars, charting the best route through largely unfamiliar territory with Basil’s eager assistance.

When the day came, Frida gifted me a new bag to replace the one I had lost in the stabbing, and the entire town saw to it that I was fully prepared for the trip ahead of me. Weighed down with supplies and well-wishes, I bid Verdigris farewell on an early spring morning, with the blessing of those who barely knew me and hope for a brighter day shining brightly overhead.

“Will you be coming back?” Basil asked hopefully.

“I don’t know what’s going to happen to me,” I admitted. “Things could be very different. I don’t want to make a promise I may not be able to keep.”

Frida tutted in displeasure.

“Now, don’t be so fatalist!” she scolded, fussing over me for the fourth time that morning. “If you keep a good head about you, you’ll be fine.”

“I’m just being honest,” I retorted, swatting her hands away halfheartedly.

“Frida’s right,” Basil piped up.

I scowled at him in mock betrayal, but he only smirked.

“Just don’t be an idiot this time, and I’m sure we’ll see each other again soon.”

“Implying that being an idiot is what put me in this situation,” I grumbled, and to my dismay, neither Basil nor Frida denied it. I was about to gripe about it when Frida threw her arms around me, turning my indignant protest into a startled squeak on the tip of my tongue.

“Please be safe,” she murmured.

“I will,” I reassured her, returning her embrace once I recovered from my shock.

Frida gave me one last squeeze before releasing me and heading back to the house with one final warning not to overdo it, and Basil and I were left alone.

A beat passed. Then, Basil chuckled dismally and shoved his hands deep in his pockets. Save for the distant chirping of birds, there was only silence for a moment as we stood there and I wondered if this was the last time we’d ever see one another.

“Well,” Basil broke the silence first, taking his hand from his pocket and holding it out to me. It shook, just ever so slightly. “I guess this is—”

Without another breath, I leapt forward and flung my arms around him and tried to imprint the moment in my mind for eternity. Basil made a small sound of surprise before he huffed a shaky laugh and returned the gesture.

“We never got a chance to say goodbye last time,” I said by way of explanation. “So, this is for then, too.”

“Be careful out there, yeah?” Basil urged in response. “But I meant what I said. You’ll come back fine.”

“Are you really sure about that?”

“No.” Basil pulled back from the hug so he could look me in the eyes. “But you managed to come crawling back into my life before, so you can do it again. It doesn’t matter how long it takes; you’ll be back.”

“I wish I could promise you this wasn’t going to be goodbye forever,” I whispered.

“You don’t have to, Ace.” Basil grinned mightily. “Because I don’t know the meaning of ‘forever’.”

 * * *

 After more than two weeks, I found myself in mostly-familiar territory, having reached the outer limits of the Village of the Heartless. Not far from here was the clearing where Petra and I used to have target practice, and the grove where I sometimes came with Marley to gather lumber.

The foliage was thicker than I remembered, with dark, newly sprouting vines that snaked their way from tree branch to tree branch and made travelling far slower than I’d anticipated. The thought of seeing Petra again fueled me, day and night. I wondered how she’d react to the truth.

Bertrand was a different story. I had not left things on a positive note, and I feared that returning after so long with news that he had spent his entire life attempting to break a curse that never existed would fracture our relationship for good.

When I cut through the remaining branches and broke through into the clearing, my blood ran cold.

Where my humble Village of the Heartless once stood lay nothing but charred piles of rubble, entire livelihoods left crumbling to ruins in the dirt. There were no carefully tended gardens, no drying clothes swaying on the line in the breeze, no chickens pecking for worms in the grass. It was the quietest I’d ever seen it—like death itself had come in and made the village its home.

The whole village had disappeared.

[kda-chat]

10 Years Later Headcannon

In this headcannon, the K/DA girls are much older and further along in their careers. Respectively in this headcannon, Akali is 32, Kai'sa is 33, Ahri is 34, and Evelynn is 35 (give or take). This headcannon will mostly focus on K/DA girls (sorry non-Sivir extras).

At this point in the headcannon, K/DA is still present but not as active as before. However, K/DA has not disbanded. The girls have moved out of the K/DA house and are on their own but they are still present in each other's lives as if they never moved out.

XXX

Akali

As the youngest member in her thirties, Akali has shown considerable amount of growth in her art style. She has branched out to different genres of music from ballad, 90s music, rock, classical, and much more. Akali has taken time to travel the world to study music styles from different cultures, appreciating what each community has to offer. When Akali is not working on her music, she is aiding in raising and developing music and art programs for children living in underprivileged areas.

On the side, Akali scouts new and trying artists. When she sees a potential artist, she reaches out to help start their career, using her platform to promote their work. Sometimes the project fails, she's had a few bad apples, but most artists are successful and thriving on their own.

Akali still wears a signature hat but not as often as usual. She constantly has her hair up but also likes to keep her hair down. When she wears her hair down, she usually wears a beanie. She doesn't dye her hair as often, so it's back to her usual shade of black. Being married to Evelynn, Akali's taste in clothing has gotten expensive.

Speaking of marriage, Akali and Evelynn married way before Kai'sa and Sivir. They were quick to tie the knot and gotten backlash from "fans" saying that they were moving too fast. Regardless, Evelynn and Akali are happily married for more than seven years, growing stronger than ever.

As a married woman, Akali learned how to effectively communicate with Evelynn and work with her on equal terms. It took a while for Akali to overcome the inferior complex she had (because she was always raised in a hierarchy system ever since she was little). She constantly saw Evelynn as superior to her, which Evelynn assured her that they were equals. The two of them worked together to establish their equality and that it was okay for Akali to be selfish and self-indulge without Evelynn at times.

Evelynn

The Queen of the Tabloids relinquished her title. She is not in "scandals" or drama as much anymore. Fans notice how mature she has gotten over the past years. While Evelynn loved music, she focused her career in acting and has gotten a massive amount of respect in her work. She has been nominated for various awards and won a fair share of them. The type of movies she has done ranges from drama, action, and romance.

On the side, Evelynn is a business woman. She established her own company where she designs her own clothing, makeup collections, and purses. She often has charity events and sales where the money raised goes to organizations that help LGBTQ youths, women recovering from abuse, and many others.

Evelynn has grown out her hair nice and long, almost similarly to Victoria (my OC/Evelynn's mother). Her style of clothing hasn't changed much. She loves wearing tight fitting, expensive clothing, but being married to Akali, she started to wear more casual/baggy clothing as well (much to the dismay of the male gazes, boo hoo).

As a married women, Evelynn parties/attends parties less often and focuses on working on her and Akali's forever home. She has specifically designed the house they are living in, making sure it had what Akali wanted and what she wanted. A massive mansion with plenty of room for a village, Evelynn is already in the progress of filling it up. She has adopted a number of dogs, which Ahri hates because she doesn't work well with any kind of pets. Ahri is getting use to it when she visits.

Speaking of adoption, Evelynn has expressed her desire for children with Akali. It's a step that they are taking slowly, mostly for Akali's sake because she's nervous about becoming a mother. Evelynn is open to a surrogate (because succubus can't actually birth children like humans, there's a whole succubus/incubus lore about it.) or adoption. [Akali does not want to have the baby herself, which Evelynn won't push her to do.]

Despite Akali's hesitation with having a child, she has been reading up on "Raising Children" books, studying intensely. She does want to have a child with Evelynn after all.

Ahri

The immature and fiesty foxy has grown wiser over the years, shocking. Still dedicated to music, Ahri has released a number of hit singles and has been a judge on popular singing competitions. She continues her FOXY cosmetic business, jokingly saying she's competing with Evelynn's business.

When she's not working on music, Ahri works as an ambassador/executive director for Gumiho Organization, a special nonprofit organization for helping young children born with mythical powers, qualities, and/or characteristics (much like Ahri herself). With Evelynn's help, who supported the project, Ahri started this organization to help orphaned children that were left to figure out their unique abilites/identites/characteristic, find them homes, and provide them with an education that will help them in life.

Ahri keeps her hair short now, almost like how she did her prestige skin. It's just easier for her to manage. Ahri's style of clothing has turned more buisness like, wearing blazers and all. Her tails aren't crystals anymore, she missed her fluffy tails and wanted them back.

Ahri's relationship status is currently single. She has had a couple of partners that lasted for a few months. A year was the longest for Ahri. No permanent partner yet for her, but Ahri is more driven on working on her career than working on her love life. If worse comes to worse, Evelynn will begrudgingly make room in her mansion for Ahri to live with her and Akali.

In all seriousness, Ahri is considering adopting a kit child that she took an interest in. Nine-tailed foxes are rare to come by and this little one is the first one that Ahri seen since herself. Of Japanese origin, so they're called a kitsune, Ahri is seriously considering adopting this pup. The hesitation is because Ahri is worried that she might not be a suitable mother. It'll take Kai'sa and Evelynn's encouragement for Ahri to finalize her decision.

Kai'sa

Dancing is still a huge passion for Kai'sa and she has choreographed numerous of dance routines with major artists. She starred as the lead in a movie about a dancer dealing with mental health and the pressures of the dance competition/community, a story that is greatly inspired by her own life. The movie made a positive impact, especially for other dancers.

With the success of the movie, Kai'sa has managed and organized dance programs across the world, teaching a class when she's on location. Kai'sa has written a book about mental health, as well as making a documentary on how she handles her Void PTSD. In the dance community, she is nicknamed as "Kai'Queen" and she has signature dance moves that are nicknamed the "Kai Kai", "Bokkie Bokkie", and "Kai'sa sa Slide".

Kai'sa doesn't sport her purple hair look anymore. It is back to her usual chocolate brown hair. However, she loves braiding her hair and always has it in some unique style that looks like it has been blessed by the gods. Her clothing style hasn't changed much. She still loves leggings and is always down with a comfortable sweater to top it off.

Kai'sa and Sivir were patient with their marriage. With Sivir's status as the heir of Azir's fortune, it took a long time for Sivir to adjust to her new lifestyle while dealing with the public eye. Many haters claimed Kai'sa was dating Sivir for money, but true fans knew that wasn't true. They married much later than Akalynn, currently hitting their one year anniversary. They had a quiet wedding with close friends and family.

The two of them live together in a lavish home. Marriage has taught Kai'sa to rely on Sivir more, especially when she has bad sleepless nights due to bad dreams and insomnia, and that she isn't alone (she never was, but sometimes she gets in her head).

Kai'sa and Sivir adopted one large Alaskan Malamute and a Maine Coon cat. Ahri is fine with the cat, surprisingly. The dog...not so much.

In regard to children, Kai'sa and Sivir are considering adoption but Kai'sa also expressed a willingness to hold the baby herself. Nothing is final, but both women are anticipating a wonderful addition to the family in the near future.

XXX

Hope you enjoyed this headcannon. I had a lot of ideas for this, I do have more, but maybe I'll save them for next time. Feel free to ask if you want to know more. ❤❤

[chiscribbs]

PLUS EST EN VOUS Review

(Over a week later, and I’m finally posting this. At least I don’t have to worry about another episode coming out before it’s posted.)

Okay - there’s a lot to cover, so without further ado...  Let’s get right into it, shall we?

Things I liked about the finale:

All of the beautiful Cass / Rapunzel scenes! 

They were so emotional and beautifully done, it felt like everything that needed to be said was said, and seeing them act like friends again was very cathartic for me. In a lot of ways, Cass & Raps’ relationship reminds me of some of my own (old ones that didn’t end so smoothly, and then newer ones that I can already tell will leave a lasting impression on my life) and seeing them reconcile and talk about how much they meant to each other really warmed my heart. A best friend is an irreplaceable thing, and I love that their interactions showed that. I also really appreciated the “I love you”s, because the world needs more of those between friends. And it also reminded me of Eugene saying the same thing to Lance, in Beyond the Corona Walls.

The awesome Team Awesome content!  There was an abundance of it in this episode, and I loved every second of it! Truth be told, I was never a big “Team Awesome” fan until S3 came around. The relationship always felt a tad too one-sided to me, and I just couldn’t see them being particularly close, at least not as close as Varian and Rapunzel. The fandom helped me warm up to the idea a little bit, but this past season definitely sold it for me. Eugene has really matured and become a lot less self-involved since the first time they met. I absolutely love that he’s turned into sort of a cool older brother figure to Varian (in fact, many of their interactions are reminiscent of moments I’ve shared with my own brother) and Var now looks up to him rather than just the “Flynn Rider” persona. The fact that Eugene could tease him about his past mistakes and Varian just turned around and casually joked right back? That made my heart happy.

Speaking of maturing & happy hearts -

 I’M SO PROUD OF THIS BOY!!! 

I know I say that a lot, but He’s just come so far since S1, or even the beginning of S3! There were a ton of little moments showcasing his growth in this episode. Such as:  - Jumping onto the piano to help Raps rally the troops (did anybody think we were going to get pianist Varian? I sure didn’t, but I’m not complaining.) - Stating with certainty that he can rebuild Demanitus’ portal, before even seeing the schematics, and just overall showing more confidence in his abilities. (Quirin looked so proud when he was building the portal...you know, before going  all mind-slave and trying to pull the lever.) - Being the first - the FIRST - of the gang to walk into Demanitus’ tomb. This may seem small, but it was such a 180 from Be Very Afraid, where he was nervous and trailing behind Raps the entire time. Now he’s not only joining in on the adventure, he’s taking the lead on occasion! - Rigging Quirin’s helmet with a temporary stun mechanism as a fail-safe for the mind-trap. He seemed hurt and offended when Eugene initially brought up the possibility of his dad being a double-agent, but even so, he listened. He put common sense and the safety of others before his own feelings, and that’s not an easy thing to do.  - Firing an explosive concoction straight into the face of an enormous demon monster??? I mean,...heck yeah, boy!! Also - using his past mistakes (i.e. the amber and monster!Ruddiger) and repurposing them towards something good. I could go on, but you get the idea. he’s just come so far and I could not be more proud of his development. And the fact that he went on to become Corona’s Royal Alchemist Engineer was just the cherry on top! YOU DESERVE IT, BOY!!! 👏👏👏

You know who else I’m proud of? Rapunzel. She was never my favorite character in the series (despite being the protagonist,) but this story - and this past season in particular - has really endeared me to her. She’s grown so much, she’s become a strong and wise leader, and I’m proud of her for it. Honestly, I’ve related to her far more this past season than any other. And I don’t know if that’s because she’s older and more mature now, or because her naivete and eager-to-please attitude is all but gone, or because she just felt a lot more real and vulnerable in recent episodes - but I really, truly love her. And I’m happy to see her story reach its completion. (Also - long-haired brunette Raps is my new favorite thing, tbh.)

THIS:

‘Nough said, I think.

The epic new powers and abilities (and return of some old ones)!!! There were so many moments while watching the finale where I was literally just yelling at my sister like “wHOA, DID YOU SEE THAT?! THAT WAS AWESOME!!!” I had no idea that Cass could make ANIMATED WOLF HEADS of the black rocks, that completely blew me away! And then there were those golden rocks that Zhan Tiri manifested, that was so cool! I wonder if the sundrop alone could make those appear, or if you had to have both of the elements to make it work. Also - the Healing Incantation was finally brought back! I knew it would be, eventually, but I’d almost completely forgotten that was a plot point by the time the finale came around. It was good to hear Mandy’s voice saying those familiar, nostalgic words again. And she put so much emotion into it!

Now, onto the less fun stuff...

Things I disliked about the finale:

(Feel free to skip over this section if you’d rather just focus on the positives, I fully understand. I’ll do my best to be fair and only address the things that really stood out to me.)

This subplot went on for far too long:

It was pretty funny for the first few minutes (and I’m sure the animators loved getting to go crazy with the characters’ designs like this,) but after awhile, I was like “is this really what we want over half of our cast to be doing during the BIG FINALE?” I mean, we already had the monkey gag, which I actually thought was a riot. And this one came right in the middle of a pretty climactic moment, so it just seemed kind of out of place.  I’ll admit, the snake-hair joke and Lance’s multiple eyes had me rolling, but ultimately, I just felt like this whole bit only served to waste limited time that definitely could have been better utilized.

The portal was too quickly demolished.  They could have at least come close to a success with it before it was destroyed, so that it didn’t feel completely useless! I get that they wanted ZT to be defeated by her own power, and I’m down for that, but if the portal’s sole purpose within the story was just to temporarily remove all the secondary characters in limbo so that the mains could do their thing, I can’t really get behind it.  Especially seeing as their only Plan B was “throw things at the giant all-powerful octopus monster,” come on, guys. I would have preferred that be a last-resort after several failed attempts at other pre-orchestrated plans. They could have had Varian and Quirin working on repairing the portal while the others distract/attack Zhan Tiri and THEN have her destroy it (purposefully, rather than by some random falling rock.) Or, maybe everyone could have been in on the plan to get the sundrop and moonstone to meet, and then have Raps and Cass are the ones who finally succeed in doing it. I don’t know, I just feel like there was a lot of wasted potential there.

This scene:

I’m going to be perfectly honest, this scene bothered me. For a multitude of reasons:

Firstly; it was a shot-for-shot copy (not a parallel, a copy) of the iconic New Dream moment from the movie, just replacing Eugene with Cass. That wasn't necessary, Cass and Raps have their own unique relationship and their own moments, they don’t need to steal Raps & Eugene’s. This should have remained a New Dream-only thing, in my opinion. (Especially seeing as her parents already stole their gondola bit...I’m mostly joking about that one.)

Secondly; it didn’t make sense? Rapunzel was standing just as close to the blast as Cassandra, yet she wasn’t harmed at all. In fact, she seemed completely unfazed by it. Why was Cass the only one effected? (And we can’t even make an argument that the moonstone shard protected her, because the powers were lost the moment the two fused.) If they needed a brush-with-death scene, why not have ZT hurt Cass? I feel like that would have been a lot more dramatic, especially after manipulating her for an entire season.

And finally; it made every other character’s “death” seem unimportant in comparison. I get that the writers needed Raps to use the Healing Incantation, but, EVERYBODY ELSE WAS ALREADY HALF-DEAD, AT THIS POINT. I’m sorry, but, why wasn’t that incentive enough to use the healing power? Why did we need to have Cass’s near-death on top of everybody else’s?  I mean, I would’ve been maybe a little bit more okay with it had Rapunzel mourned everybody’s death and not just Cass’s, and then used the power to save ALL of them at once. But instead, she completely forgot about everyone else until the very last second, which was frustrating. I’m not a fan of plot devices that ignore other characters, especially when the protagonist is supposed to care about them but then just doesn’t even seem to remember that they exist for a hot minute. This felt like the ending of Freebird, only worse because you can’t make the excuse that she was unaware. (Just to be clear, I’m not blaming Rapunzel. I know it wasn’t meant to come across that way, I just feel like it was not well executed.) There are a lot of ways that this could have been done differently. Rapunzel and Cass could have BOTH been devastated about their friends/loved ones, I would have loved to see Cass show genuine concern and remorse towards the OTHER people whom her actions hurt, not just Raps. Or, Rapunzel could have at least landed near Cass so it would’ve made sense for her to notice her first, and then looked around and noticed everybody else before using the healing incantation. At least that way, the other characters wouldn’t have felt so much like a second-thought. I don’t know, I just didn’t appreciate the treatment of the supporting cast in this scene at all. It felt like they were forgotten right up until the very last second.

Cass didn’t get to sing in any of the songs.  I was really surprised by this, I figured given how important her role had become, she’d get to sing at least one line (like Lance and Varian did.) But nope. Actually, a good 90% of the music in this episode was sung by Raps, and as much as I love the songs & Mandy’s beautiful voice, I was hoping for the other characters to be a little bit more involved. Especially in the Life After Happily Ever After (Reprise), that would have been a great opportunity to have everybody sing together.

Things I would have liked to see in the finale:

More information about Demanitus and ZT.  We got so little! I was expecting this episode to answer all of our questions about that two, but I still have no idea; what their relationship was, where Zhan Tiri came from, why exactly she wanted the power (besides just to have it for herself, I guess), or how they came across the SD and MS in the first place! Like, just a little bit more information would have been nice, the only thing the flashback really gave us was what ZT looked like before spending a few millenia in limbo. (Also - apparently Corona is several thousand years old??? Which, I didn’t know, I was under the impression that it was a fairly new kingdom.)

Closure for this relationship:

This is probably what I was most disappointed by. Honestly, I’m still kind of surprised that this didn’t happen, even just a little bit. Given that Cass was wearing the Cassandrium at the end, we can safely assume that they at least parted on good terms. But the last few exchanges that they had really gave me the impression that we’d be getting some kind of closure before the credits rolled. We were given two whole episodes focusing on the unique bond that these two share (that’s more than we were given for Cass & Eugene,) they were painted as parallels, so it only makes sense to give them a proper wrap-up. In CR, Cass seemed hurt and devastated after realizing that she’d effectively pushed Varian away, it’s clear his friendship meant a lot to her. Not to mention, Var had the best understanding of Cass’s feelings, he could relate to her - especially about her guilt and fear of not being forgiven. But despite all of the build-up & foreshadowing, they didn’t even get an on-screen goodbye? Not a single “thank you” or “I’m sorry”?  I realize that the main focus was always on Cass & Raps’ friendship, and I’m totally fine with that. I’m just saying that after all the obvious parallels and time invested in this relationship, it would have been nice to get some closure. I just wish they’d included at least one little dialogue exchange to wrap it up in a satisfactory way, like we got with Cass and Eugene.

Actual pay-off for all the Varian - Demanitus parallels.  I think we can all agree that this seemed like it was going somewhere, and then it just...didn’t. He did rebuild the portal, but it turned out to be useless, and outside of that, the similarity was never touched upon. Not by Rapunzel, or Zhan Tiri, not even Xavier made the connection. I mean - this kid is doing at 15/16 what Demanitus did in the latter half of his life. He’s not only following the legendary engineer/inventor’s footsteps, he’s expanding the legacy. If that’s not foreshadowing for something, I don’t know what is! And I do love the fact that he became the Royal Alchemist Engineer, but at the same time, I just feel like there was so much wasted potential in this almost-but-not-quite-subplot.

An actual Brotherhood reunion, without all the mind-trap influence.  It would have been so interesting to see them all interacting! I was surprised that, even though Edmund and Quirin were both in the same place for most of the episode, they never really interacted? Outside of mind-controlled Quirin, Hector, and Adira attacking Eugene &  Edmund, they didn’t exchange so much as a word. And I get that a lot of that was time restraints, and having to focus on more important plot points (as Edmund said “bigger fish”) but honestly, if they had time to thrown in all that netherworld nonsense, a little Brotherhood interaction doesn’t seem like too big of a favor to ask. 

Rapid-fire Opinions: 

Favorite song: Through it All

In my opinion, this song is the best group number in the show (not counting the ones only sung by main 3, such With You By My Side or Next Stop Anywhere) It’s not quite as epic as Ready As I’ll Ever Be, but it has an infectious beat and a triumphant melody that I really enjoy. Also, the scene as a whole was so cheerful and fun, and we got Varian, Lance, Kiera, and Catalina all playing various instruments! (Plus more New Dream dancing! ❤ )

Favorite callback to a previous episode: Easy answer, because it comes from (what is still) one of my favorite episodes in the series - the Cassandrium.

Favorite scene: This one’s a little tough, but I did really enjoy the little moment that Eugene and Varian had after Quirin was incapacitated by the helmet. 

I also loved the final scene where Cass said goodbye to Rapunzel and they gave each other the biggest, warmest hug I’ve ever seen in animation history (and the prior exchange between her and Eugene was really sweet, as well.)

OH! And how could I forget? That beautiful New Dream proposal. 💜 That was absolutely perfect. The animation, the music, Mandy & Zach’s incredibly heartfelt voice work, just...I loved everything about it.

Most underrated moment: Catalina pushing Kiera out of Zhan Tiri’s way and getting grabbed herself. (Show of hands, who else briefly forgot that she was a werewolf and had a small heart-attack in that moment?)

Theories I had that were proven true: 

- Cass leaving Corona to “find her own destiny.”  I’d always felt like Cass never really had a dream of her own; she didn’t know who she was, and she was never going to get the answers by staying by Rapunzel’s side. So I had a strong feeling that she would be leaving, but I’m glad to see that it was on good terms.

- Everyone vs Zhan Tiri.  Granted, like most people, I was under the impression that Xavier’s “magic and alchemy” statement would be more...relevant? Turns out, we read into that way too much. Which, honestly, is a tiny bit disappointing, but it was still cool to finally see Zhan Tiri at her most powerful.

- Varian becoming Corona’s Royal Alchemist Engineer.  This is a theory I’ve had since my early days in the fandom, and I’m glad to see it finally confirmed! My only complaint is that we didn’t get to see Rapunzel bestow the honor upon him, because I would have loved to see that exchange.

Theories that were not proven true, but I still believe:

- Varian (and possibly Quirin) being a descendant of Demanitus.  You can pry this one out of my cold, dead hands, there are way too many clues pointing to it. I’m not even sure if Demanitus has any descendants (again, we have very little information on him still) but if he does, Varian’s a prime candidate. His lineage comes from the Dark Kingdom, he’s a genius alchemist/inventor, has a personal connection to both the Sundrop and the Moonstone; honestly, I’m kind of surprised this possibility was never even considered, at least one, in canon.

- Cass will eventually return to Corona.  I have no idea when, why, or how, but I truly believe she will. Her spirit may be roaming free at the moment, but the heart always returns home. And - as it stands right now, at least - her heart is still waiting in Corona. In the meantime, though, I’m glad she’s living her best life, seeking out adventure wherever destiny leads her! She deserves it <3 

Well, that’s my full Plus Est En Vous/Tangled the Series Finale review! I’d love to hear everybody else’s thoughts on the final episode, as well; how many people were satisfied vs unsatisfied with the ending? What were everyone else’s favorite moments, what else would have been nice to see? Let me know!

Final words: This show and this fandom have meant so much to me, and I’m far from done loving it. I still have many projects in the works to celebrate the show and its completion, but in the meantime - thanks for reading.

And God bless the amazing team that came together to bring us this incredibly beautiful, meaningful, story which will always have a special place in my heart.