#//yeah his self hatred is really coming out of him right now

[flamesignite]

He pulled his hand back from him when the other pulled away from him as he gave him a sad look. He knows the other wants him to be upset, but he had no right to be upset because the things he’s done he can’t take them back, and the inner self hatred he feels for himself show.

“It doesn’t matter how I feel, Atem. I don’t have a right to be upset for how you feel. That’s what I am, a murderer, a war criminal. Those titles will follow me for the rest of my life. I can’t take back what I have done, and you have a right to feel the way you do about it. If you don’t wish to be with me for this reason alone, I understand.” He looks at him seriously.

“This is something I have done and I’m holding myself accountable. It won’t change the past, it won’t bring back the people that are already gone because of me. I still wish to make everything right, even if I die in the process. That’s why I took this path, because I don’t want to see anyone suffer and I don’t wish to kill anymore people in such a way again.” He takes a shaky breath.

“I’m glad you were honest with me. Whether you understand or not why I think that, it’s because you’re a good person with a good heart. When you cause someone pain you feel guilty too. I don’t expect you to just sit there and accept the things I’ve done. Nobody should accept it, the things I did were terrible and should be condemned. I was naïve and a fool to think at first what we were doing was just following orders. I should have stopped them from doing this, I should gotten replaced, but I was too much of a coward.. so I went through with it, I continued to do as ordered, when I did it I wasn’t myself, i wasn’t the young teen that I used to be with dreams of protecting my nation. I was a monster, a murderer, following orders. I never forgot the people I’ve killed. I remember all of their faces. My brain doesn’t let me forget. These haunting memories will follow me for the rest of my life.”

He looks down looking at the hands as they shake softly as he whispers. “This is why I never wanted to get close to anyone. I don’t deserve it, and if you don’t wish to be with me because of this, I won’t stop you. If you hate me truly, if you don’t wish to be with me because of all that I’ve done, you don’t have to stay. I want to be with you, but if you really don’t want all of me, if you don’t want any of my demons that will follow me for the rest of my life even after death, I won’t stop you from walking away right now. “ He swallowed softly, his shoulders trembling.

“What right do I have? I never deserved any of this, yet when you accepted me for me, I was surprised.. Especially after seeing the archive… you still stayed, you even said that these blood stained hands deserve to hold the person I love. I won’t force you to stay if you don’t want to. I love you, you’re my everything. You’ll always be my everything. It’s up to you.. I don’t have a right to ask for your hand. After all that I’ve done… I don’t deserve happiness.”

This was his inner self hatred coming out of the wood work, it hadn’t been as bad as it usually was because of Atem always being there to make him happy and tell him how much he meant to him. With the real feelings Atem had though, they came back ten fold, reminding him how much of a pathetic piece of garbage he thought he was.

"What are you doing?!" Atem snapped back, flinching at Roy's touch as soon as he felt it, shifting away from him. As he looked at Roy, his eyes were no longer flickering red, but that familiar softness of purple once again, hot tears streaming down his face (he had to have run out of them to shed by now).

"I just called you a murderer! My own fi- my boyf- y-you... I called you heartless and a murderer! I just said that I don't forgive the actions I have no right to pass judgement on! I belittled the desire of someone who wants to start a family with me because he destroyed so many families, so many innocents, in a single snap!" Roy may or may not have heard that during the outburst but he definitely heard it now. "And you have the audacity to try to comfort me and tell me it's okay?! What is wrong with you?!"

Everything was out in the open thanks to that dark other, as once again he succeeded in exposing Atem for who he really was: a walking contradiction, a failure of a supportive partner, but most of all... a weak, pathetic, and overemotional Coward.

"The one thing I told myself to bite my tongue on... because I wasn't involved. Because everyone else had looked past it. Because Aibou forgave you! The one thing I told myself to never even think about, not for a second, because I didn't want to hurt you! I didn't want to undo everything we had built because I couldn't look past what you've done! And you're telling me it's okay?" He felt his arms wrap around himself, a sign that a certain emotion was starting to creep up on him. "This isn't okay! None of this is okay! Listen to what I had just said! Does none of that hurt you? Make you sad, or angry, or... something? Anything?!"

"I... I should have never watched that archive, and just lived in ignorance. At least then... things would have been easier. Now..." Hitched breaths were coming out of him as his voice choked up, body starting to wear out from all his crying. "I've ruined everything."

[imaginariumwanderer]

Mkay last post before logging off. Featuring silly pixel art I made w/ my mouse.

This chart was actually made out of pure self-indulgent a while back with no intention of being posted, I ended up scribbling(?) all over the thing. Hopefully it's readable when zoomed in.

It's "my ship in 5 minutes" but I can make it 30 if you want. WARNING: Tons of sappy yapping+pixel art download under cut.

About "tropes": The trope is called Angel-Devil shipping, oh but I don't think PV is an angel. He's more like a God for SM (at least that's my preference)… Thinking at all the possible tropes that suits them make me really wonder why some people consider Shadowvanilla a crack/pro ship. Enemies to lovers or villain/hero ships have been pretty archetypal since the day of olds. Compared to all the ships I've encountered in the past… Shadowvanilla is more or less the "slightly out of the norm" on the "problematic ships scale" <- typing this out make me feel like an old fandom veteran haha

About "how it happens": I have no idea where to put PV on that chart. He's the one who approached first, but not out of romantic intents, him falling for SM is as unexpected as can be. SM fell first and slowly, and in 'slow' I meant decades upon decades. It's inevitable, painfully so, spending all those years watching over this cookie who's so perfect in his imperfections, how could one not feel something? Of course it's not so simple, that 'something' is a horrid mixture of disgust, envy, hatred, understanding, both the need to preserve and destroy… And maybeee the tiniest crumb of affection? SM realized something around the first couple hundredth years mark, he then spends the next thousands in denial of it. No matter. Whether it's PV or the Soul jam, his birth-given rights. SM knows what he wants and he WILL get what he wants. (He's wrong on both fronts. And somewhere in the back of his mind, SM knows that. But he'll never admit it. He'll never ever admit anything. Until it's too late. In a way, the same goes for PV)

About a certain someone who's not clingy, but would die for attention: I think PV gets lonely easily. As he's hyper-aware of himself and considerate of others, appearing clingy is the last thing PV wants. So PV would put extra efforts in taking care of those around him, be it cookies, animals or the greenery in his garden. A healer is always busy, always helpful. If he's always needed by others then he would never be afraid of being alone. Ironically enough, this ended up making PV come off as a little overbearing. As of late, the only ones able to see through the facade are Hollyberry cookie and you-know-who.

Other scattered thoughts: These two are completely different yet can't be more similar, on the various sliding scales they're either stuck to one another or are flung to both ends. On another note, honestly I can't see these two doing anything domestic together, the most I can see is cooking, which is basically the same as magic in the cookie world. Anyways, are they in "love"? Are they dating? Not really, no. It's more of a a parasitic-turned-symbiotic-soulbond, a will-they-won't-they-destroy-the-world situationship (iykyk) I do enjoy relationships that's hard to put into words. Their feelings are somehow romantic, somewhat deranged and something much, much deeper.

My desire to ship these two comes from the desire to see them grow beyound their archetypes. Being with PV does give SM the chance to be horrible as can be, yeah, but I'd like to think SM does have a personality outside of being a villainous tormentor. He spends so long observing others, and now for the first time he's being seen. Now SM have met someone who can see right through him, who can glimpse into those dammed vulnerabilities of his. Being with SM does let us see PV in his darkest moments, but it's at the same time the moments where PV can shine the most, to prove SM that his ideals isn't naïveté or simple platitudes. In canon, SM+PV works well as enemies, but it is the many contradictions born when romance is added into the mix that got me shipping. They simultaneously break down and bolster one another's greatest traits. Like binary stars, they orbit around the other, so close yet so far apart, lest they collide. They could've been so perfect for each other. But not in this life, or the next, or the next...

Pixel art time! I have way too much fun w/ Smilk's many faces, his and PV's combined came to around 22 expressions. These are quick to made due to their small size (25x25 px). Zip file includes both the og and 75x75 sizes. I don't mind if any Vanilla milkshakers might use these, just please remember to read the my art terms and conditions first! (which can be found in my About)

Some disclaimer: some images may have different names. This is the first time I'm using Getuploader so sorry if something broke.

Link

[xxgoblin-dumplingxx]

jason trying to flirt and reader freaking out gives me life. (dw jason i bet she wants to kiss you too (if she doesnt i might))

When you hesitated to name a book, afraid of being mocked maybe. Or afraid to be vulnerable, Jason took a shot in the dark. Looking up at the shelves. Looking for something well loved. Something you'd keep where you could reach it whenever you wanted comfort. Something you held close to your heart. That you'd read and reread. Worn but not destroyed. Venerated. It would almost feel like something sacred.

Every lonely kid had that book.

And when he locked eyes on it, he smiled. He got up off the floor and walked across the room, aware that he was being watched. He could feel a prickle of warning. A crackle of anxiety tugging at him. And he forced himself to breathe. Yeah, it was a kiddie book. A whole set of them. But, you liked books with happy endings.

"Convert me?" Jason hummed, "I never really liked fairy tales."

"No?"

"It's kinda hard to worry about chivalry when you live like I did," he said sitting back down- suppressing a pang with difficulty. He hadn't thought about his mom and dad in a long time. He kept them buried. It was easier. To not remember the way cancer had a smell. And the way that without insurance drugs just managed the pain. And his dad drank because it hurt. And because it hurt and he drank he couldn't hold a job. And because he couldn't hold a job he just kept doing crimes.

Books had to have a point. Fairy tales and delicate little "girl books" felt ephemeral and frivolous. Austen. Shelley. Poe. Homer. Christie. All that had a point.

"I'm sorry-"

"It's alright," he said exhaling roughly. It wasn't about him. And when he felt you try to pull back, trembling from the strain he shook his head and sank to the floor. "Don't worry about me, okay. Not right now anyway."

"It hurts-"

"Sometimes," he admitted. "But if I read this for a while maybe I'll forget-"

"You can borrow-"

"I was going to read it to you," he mumbled, cheeks heating. He meant to just come in and start doing it. He'd hoped you'd just curl up with him and doze off.

"Oh."

"Is that okay?" he asked, not sure what to make of your reaction. Or your feelings. They're still a snarl- and mostly self-hatred.

"Yeah," you murmur. "Your voice is nice when you're not being mean."

[bones4thecats]

Sorry, maybe you can do, Tfp Predacons x Predacon femme reader, where the Predacons compete for the reader's love

TFP! Predacons Fight for Predacon! S/O

Characters: POLY! Predaking, Darksteel, and Skylynx Requester: 🐻Anon A/N: I'll call you 🐻Anon just because I like bears and they fight more than a dove or dragon do (I use character emojis first, okay?!) Anyways, hope you like this!! ⚠️ Spoilers/Trigger Warnings for: Just fluff <3 ⚠️ P.S: The Predacon! Reader is based on a Chimera (specifically two pieces of art I found on Quora and InCryptid Wiki)

╔══════════════════════════════════════════╗

╚═════ Predaking + Darksteel + Skylynx ═══════════════╝

🐉🐻🕊️ This was getting very annoying for you. You, as a fellow Predacon, understood that having a more rough-and-tumble personality was normal for your kind. But the way that these three were handling it was beyond you

🐉🐻🕊️ You were in your alt-mode, one resembling a 'Chimera' as Raf once said, just watching as the trio 'play fought'. But you of all beings understood that with each hit they laid on another another, they meant everything personally

🐉 You were closest with Predaking. He was created a little while before you, and since you both arrived to serve Megatron together, your bond was by-far the strongest out of all other Cybertronians you had met and befriended

🐉 Unknowingly to you, the self-proclaimed King of Predacons had begun to see as more than an ally and fellow Predacon. He began to see you as a potential sparkmate, not because of his dream of your kind rising back up, but because he loved you

🐻 Darksteel on the other hand, was a pain in your aft. He would constantly mess with your different appendages. And I mean that

🐻 This guy would sneak up behind you whenever you were resting and just randomly mess with your horns, serpent-like tail, and your hooves. And whenever he wouldn't stop, you would snap your deadly tail at him, which made him laugh, say bye, and fly off

🕊️ Finally, with Skylynx. He did not like you at first and the same went with you, you kinda hated him. Not as much as you did Megatron for keeping you hostage and trying to kill Predaking years prior, but it still wasn't a small hatred

🕊️ But, as time passed, you both grew to enjoy one another's company. You would fly by and talk about how you were on your last nerve with Darksteel and how you were so close to beating him to scrap-metal, much to the lighter-Predacon's amusement

🐉🐻🕊️ To sum it up; Predaking liked you because you grew together and were really close, Darksteel liked you because you could be kind-yet-deadly when provoked (entertaining), and Skylynx liked you because you shared some things in common yet were different enough to be fun around

🐉🐻🕊️ But, as you grew close with the trio, they began to notice how they treated you. Predaking would be around you the most, huddling up next to you in your alt-modes to recharge, Darksteel would play-fight and fly around with you, and Skylynx would spend more time talking and acting like best-friends with you

🐉🐻🕊️ Unfortunately for you that day, the three mechs all asked you observe their strengths and deem one the winner. You knew what they really wanted, they wanted you to watch them fight for dominance and pick one to bond with. That all leads you to now

🐉🐻🕊️ As they all put their full-potential into this fight, you heard an engine rumble behind you. You stood and saw that it was the Autobot you were closest to, Bulkhead, driving towards your form

"Bulkhead. It's nice to see you after a while." You said, a playful smirk coming on your face.

"Yeah, same to you, Y/N." He replied.

🐉🐻🕊️ Your smirk turned into a genuine smile as you sat back down, this time in your bipedal-mode and patted the spot next to you for him to sit down and speak

🐉🐻🕊️ Bulkhead sat down and looked as the three Predacons continued their fight, they tails, wings, or claws swinging left and right as they either dodged or got hit. He chuckled as you groaned in annoyance

"Now you know how Ultra Magnus felt whenever Jackie did something against his orders." He joked.

"I suppose."

🐉🐻🕊️ As you and Bulkhead spoke about the finalization on territories for the Autobots and Predacons, the mechs had finally narrowed themselves down to their final attacks. Darksteel and Skylynx attempted to hit Predaking, making him transform and pin them down with his large clawed-feet

"Well, I guess you have a winner now." Bulkhead announced, making you look up and down at the three mechs' final stance.

"I'm not surprised. He won against them last time, why would this time be any different?"

"Fair. Anyways, I should get going. Ultra Magnus said that he would bring by the territory-mapping for you guys to finalize in about a cycle, is that okay?"

"Yep. See you, Bulkhead!"

"See ya', Y/N!"

🐉🐻🕊️ You looked back at the guys and sighed, noticing how they were now beginning to wrestle on the ground, screaming about how they would win the spark of yours no matter what

🐉🐻🕊️ Rolling your optics, you transformed and began flying down to where they were before lifting your back legs, kicking Skylynx away, taking your claws and scratching Darksteel while punching him back before using your serpent-tail to grab Predaking and take him down to the floor before transforming once more

"Quit your bickering, you sound like a bunch of sparklings." You demanded.

🐉🐻🕊️ The three each groaned in pain as your tail swayed and and you walked away to where the remains of Team Prime were working, leaving the guys to heal themselves

"They like me best."

"They do not!"

"Yeah, they like me best, Skylynx!"

"Shut up, Darksteel!"

[aquaquadrant]

from eden, part IX (act II)

Word count: 15,401 Warnings: Self-deprecating thoughts (not really, Jimmy’s just a listener and doesn’t know it), strong language, internalized racism, past abuse/experimentation, dehumanization, self-hatred, kissing, mature implications (fade to black), voluntary decapitation Summary: The Double Lifers have successfully thwarted the invasion by Hels Tek, but not unscathed. Now that Tango’s been outed as Bravo’s doppelgänger, the remaining threads are starting to unravel, and Jimmy suddenly finds himself fighting to save Tango from his own inner demons. Can their love survive the fallout?

A/N: This chapter had to get split into two parts bc Tumblr sucks, here's a link to the first half if u missed it. Hope y'all enjoy, please reblog/comment if you do!

Also please don’t think too hard abt the technical portal/redstone junk. I’m throwin a lotta random terms and conditions out there in the hopes of creating a feasible explanation for how portal travel works, and how Hels differs from other worlds in that regard. It’s possible there are contradictions or other things that I didn’t fully think through, but these details aren’t really important. Just try to suspend ur disbelief. - Aqua

~*~

from eden, part IX (act II) - no tired sighs, no rolling eyes, no irony

~*~

“Right then. Uh, thank you all for coming on short notice.”

Grian’s tentative welcome is met with a chorus of rather subdued greetings from the Double Lifers. Everyone is gathered in a loose semicircle around spawn, standing in their respective soulbound pairs and groups. Jimmy would’ve preferred to have this conversation sitting down, inside somewhere, but Tango had insisted on spawn.

Only now does Jimmy realize that the open nature of the forest clearing at spawn is less enclosed than a room filled with fourteen people would feel, and he understands.

Tango hadn’t been very talkative on the way over. But every time he said something, it was with that same forced ‘Everything’s fine!’ kind of attitude. It’s really starting to frustrate Jimmy, making him want to grab Tango by the shoulders and shout, ‘No, actually, everything’s not fine, and that’s okay!’

But he doesn’t think that’d be well received at the moment.

Tango, standing beside Jimmy, is still maintaining his fake nonchalance. To an untrained observer, he’d actually look quite casual. Simply standing with his hands in his pockets, listening intently to Grian with a plain, but not unpleasant, expression. The only indication Jimmy has that he’s at all uncomfortable is the complete lack of movement.

He doesn’t fidget, doesn’t pace, doesn’t shift his weight- all things that might otherwise be taken as signs of anxiety, but are usually normal for Tango. The stillness, though subtle, is concerning. It means he’s tense and on-guard. As if expecting an attack at any second. Which, to be fair, Jimmy doesn’t blame him for. 

But more concerning is the fact that Tango can so easily and convincingly pretend that everything’s fine. He must’ve had a lot of practice.

(Ten years, remember?)

(Of course he’s a good liar.)

(Surprise, surprise.)

Grian clears his throat. “So, as we all know… there was an attack yesterday by some strange fellas who came in through a hacked portal of some sort. I’ve locked the world down for the moment, but until we know all the who’s, why’s, and how’s, I’m afraid that’s only a temporary solution… since I’m sure you all don’t wanna be stuck here forever.” 

He says it matter-of-factly, not a hint of any frustration, annoyance, or other ill-feeling in his voice. But Jimmy sees Tango’s face twitch anyway. Unsurprisingly, the guilt is getting to him.

“But that’s why we’re here,” Grian continues, taking a more upbeat tone. “Tango has kindly agreed to explain a little better what’s goin’ on, so hopefully, we can get to the bottom of this and uh… come up with a plan for moving forward.” He gestures invitingly towards Tango. “Tango?”

(Here we go…)

Tango clears his throat. “Right, yeah, thanks.” He takes a small step forward, casting a quick glance around the clearing. “Okay, so here’s the deal. I spawned in a world called Hels, where every player is sort of an evil counterpart to an overworld player elsewhere in the universe. At least, that’s what I’ve gathered from the Helsknight fiasco.”

Jimmy can actually see the sudden realization that settles over all the present Hermits- minus Pearl, who seems as out of the loop as the others.

Grian’s eyes widen. “Oh my gosh, that makes so much sense…”

“Oh, dudes,” Ren breathes, running a clawed hand through his hair. “Not gonna lie, I completely forgot about that…”

“Same here,” Impulse says, looking stunned. “I mean, it was over and done with so fast, and Wels didn’t seem worried, so I guess none of us really thought to look into it? Man…”

Scott puts a hand up. “Um, what’s tha’ Helsknight fiasco?” he asks, frowning.

“Oh, right.” Tango scratches the back of his head. “So, you guys know of Welsknight, right? One of our fellow hermits?” At the group’s hesitant nods, he continues, “On Hermitcraft’s seventh world, there was this player who randomly joined and attacked Wels. None of us ever saw him, but when Wels explained the situation later… he said Helsknight was some kinda evil clone, and that he came from a place called Hels.”

Murmurs of surprise and confusion ripple through the group. Jimmy longs to put a hand on Tango’s shoulder as a reassurance, but based on how tense he is, that’d probably set him off.

“Wait, really?” Pearl asks, her antennae curling in surprise. “What’re the chances of that?”

“I know,” Cleo agrees, “it was really strange, in hindsight…”

“So this Helsknight guy,” Joel says, knitting his brows together. “He’s what Bravo was talkin’ about, one of those Hels players? Like all the other people that came through the portal?”

“Yeah,” Martyn chimes in, “I- I noticed a lot of uh, ‘Hels’ in the names in chat. Or like, ones with ‘bad’ or ‘evil’ kinda vibes.”

“Yep.” Tango nods stiffly. “Now, don’t get me wrong, I don’t know Helsknight or- or how he joined Hermitcraft, but it was obvious he was Wels’s counterpart. I mean, he said he was ‘all the darkest parts’ of Wels, right?” He folds his arms. “Well, I’m that for Bravo. A sort of uh- a personification of his badness, I guess.”

“Wait, wait, wait,” Bigb cuts in, holding his hands up. “So- so you’re sayin’ that we all have these… Hels versions of ourselves?”

“Evil doppelgängers, yeah,” Tango amends. “I mean, I don’t know why it’d only be for some players and not others, and Hels is plenty big enough for every player in the universe to have a counterpart. You go to any of the major cities around spawn, and it’ll definitely feel that way.”

“What’s this… Hels world like?” Pearl asks, her red eyes wide with a sort of morbid fascination.

Tango’s expression darkens. “It’s an ancient world, infinite and deadly. The overworld and nether are fused into one crazy, messed-up realm full of these weird hybrid kinda biomes, and- and you can’t access the end. The bedrock ceiling makes it so hostile mobs spawn basically everywhere, but you can’t find naturally spawning passive mobs for like, hundreds of thousands of blocks around spawn, ‘cause the early players murdered them all. And no portal travel in or out- at least, that’s what we thought.”

Jimmy’s starting to see why Bravo described Hels as ‘an inescapable prison of horrific violence and suffering.’ 

Grian raises his eyebrows. “No end?”

“No portals?” Bdubs echoes disbelievingly.

Etho, who’s been listening with rapt attention, tilts his head. “That Bravo guy, he mentioned something about my, uh… my doppelgänger?”

Tango shrugs. “He must’ve met them at some point in the last ten years, yeah. I- I dunno, I never did.” He pauses, creasing his brows as he glances around the circle again. “Actually, I don’t think I ever met any of your guys’s Hels. Or, if I did, I don’t remember.”

That makes Jimmy frown. “What do you mean?”

Tango gives Jimmy a sidelong look. “I uh, I wasn’t really that social for most of my time there, I spent my childhood being a general menace- most kids do, actually. There’s no infrastructure to look after kids, we- they’re basically on their own. So you can imagine it’s- it’s an interesting world to grow up in.” Idly, he kicks at a clump of grass. “Bunch’a little monsters runnin’ around unsupervised, causing chaos, trying not to get brutally killed by hostile mobs and players, it was great.”

Horror seizes Jimmy. “That’s awful.”

“That’s just how it was,” Tango says bluntly. “I mean, try setting something like that up without an admin, right? See how that goes.”

“Wait, Hels doesn’t have an admin?” Grian repeats.

“Nope. At least, not when I was there.” Tango shrugs. “They hadn’t for a long time before I even spawned, so- so the whole place was basically anarchy, every player for themself.”

Aghast, Scar shakes his head. “What in the world…”

“How long did you spend living like that?” Impulse asks softly, his eyes sad.

Tango’s avoiding everyone’s eyes now, staring off somewhere into the middle distance. “Oh, probably ‘til I was like… fifteen or sixteen? Somewhere in the teen stage? That’s when I met Atlas.” A bitter smile splits across his face. “He told me he was recruiting for his redstone company, Hels Tek, and- and of course he threw in lots of cheap flattery, blah blah blah, and in my young, naive stupidity, I fell hook, line, and sinker. Turns out all he wanted me for was a blaze farm.”

There’s a brief silence.

“What?” Jimmy asks, confused. Is that what Atlas had meant about a farm design? Did they just want to force Tango to make farms for them? He knows Tango’s a bit of an innovator in that regard, but that’s an awful lot of trouble to go through for something that could easily be done by someone else.

“He… wanted you to build a blaze farm?” Impulse asks slowly, brows knitting together.

Tango laughs; a sharp, dry exhale. “No, no. Not to build one. To be one.” He reaches a hand up to tap one of the blaze rods hovering around his head. “I uh, I dunno if you guys have noticed, but these things here aren’t just for show. They’re real, functional blaze rods, and they just so happen to be respawnable.”

Jimmy’s stomach drops.

Oh.

(There we go, now they’ve got it.)

(Makes sense, right?)

(Honestly, it’s so obvious…)

The clearing is deathly silent now. All Jimmy can hear is his own heartbeat pounding in his ears. Everything is clicking into place, all the strange things he’s seen and heard suddenly making perfect, horrible sense.

They used Tango as a blaze farm. An actual sentient player, reduced to nothing more than a simple mob. A player with complex thoughts and feelings, with creative ideas and passions, with hopes and fears and dreams. They locked him up like an animal to use for profit- and even now, ten years later, he still can’t fully escape from it.

Jimmy has a sinking feeling he knows what Tango’s nightmares are about.

Tango keeps talking. “They didn’t start with that, of course.” There’s a bored sort of quality to his voice, like he’s merely commentating on the weather. “There was this uhh awkward phase where I thought I was helping with redstone experiments, when actually I was the test subject.”

It’s kind of surreal, actually. To be standing here and talking about this so casually. It’s like Jimmy’s having a nightmare he can’t wake up from.

“And once I caught on, well, they uh- they didn’t exactly have to play nice anymore,” Tango laughs. “That’s where I got these fabulous accessories.” He waves a hand, cuff jangling around his wrist.

Jimmy feels sick. They put the cuffs on Tango to lock him in a farm. To think he’s still had those on him, all this time-

“After that,” Tango continues briskly, “it still took, like, another year of testing for them to develop the most optimized farm.” He delivers the information almost disinterestedly, studying his claws. “It was a pretty smart design, nice and compact.”

Jimmy glances around the clearing. Amidst the shocked, horrified faces, he finds Impulse- who seems to be focused on taking slow, deep breaths, his hands curled into fists at his sides.

(Uh oh, no Impulse to the rescue…)

“Wither roses dealt constant damage,” Tango rattles off, “triggering my blaze rods to respawn as quickly as they could be skadoodled away by hoppers, and they had regen on an automatic clock to keep me alive- though there was a backup respawn anchor for any accidents.”

Wither roses. Of course. Jimmy can picture it, in his mind’s eye; Tango chained up among the ashen flowers. What must it have felt like, to be withering all the time? His health constantly wavering between the icy blackness and the regeneration, every minute of every day. How absolutely miserable.

Jimmy somehow finds his voice again. “How… how long did you spend like that?” he asks hoarsely, stepping next to Tango.

Tango won’t look at him- though he’s carefully watching out of the corner of his eye. “Oh, I dunno… four or five months, maybe?” 

Months. Jimmy’s heart aches. He can’t even begin to imagine what that existence was like. To spend all day trapped in a farm that’s constantly hurting him- and by wither effect, no less. Not to mention how dehumanizing the entire concept is on its own.

“How’d you get out?” Jimmy asks tentatively. “If- if you don’t mind.”

Tango snorts. “Yeah, so, one day, the charge on my anchor ran out when no one was around, so I was able to kill myself to get back to world spawn. And that’s when the portal to Hermitcraft appeared.”

Etho steps forward. “I thought Hels didn’t allow portals?” he asks, his voice as cool and unreadable as his partially-concealed expression.

Jimmy’s taken aback, his feathers puffing up unwittingly. He doesn’t understand how Etho can grill Tango about technical details in such an upsetting situation. In fact, he’d almost think that Etho doesn’t care at all- except the question makes Tango pause. In his expression, Jimmy can see his mind working, and realizes what Etho has done.

By circling back to a scientific topic, he’s provided Tango a distraction. Something less personal for his mind to focus on, and take everyone else’s focus off of him. Already, Jimmy can see that Tango’s less tense as he starts to explain.

“We didn’t have portals in Hels, but we knew the concept from data-mining.” Tango spreads his hands. “Locked comm commands, hidden recipes. But portals to Hermitcraft are made by the universe, right? So- so whatever is preventing Hels players from making portals, it- the universe can circumvent it. ‘Course, at the time, I didn’t know how it appeared or where it was gonna take me, but I went through. And apparently, somehow, a portal appeared in front of Bravo that took him to Hels at the same time. The universe must’ve tried to send Bravo to Hermitcraft, glitched ‘cause of Hels’s wonky portal technology, and swapped us by mistake.”

Etho hums noncommittally. “So it was an accident.”

(Oh, sure.)

(That’s what they think…)

(Yeah, he ‘accidentally’ didn’t tell anyone the truth for ten years.)

Jimmy angrily pushes the thoughts away. So long as Tango didn’t intend to strand Bravo in Hels, that’s all that matters to him.

Tango gives Etho a funny look. “I mean, that’s not the point? Bravo’s been trapped in Hels ever since, ‘cause of me. This whole invasion thing was my fault, they were tryin’ to get me back for the farm and help Bravo escape Hels, and... I dunno, get back to his life? Or, the life I stole from him ten years ago.” He shrugs. “So yeah. Secret’s out, sorry I’ve been lying to some of you for a decade, now, and- and sorry you all got dragged into my mess. I didn’t mean t- well, anyway, that’s- that’s what happened.”

“God, Tango,” Jimmy breathes, reaching a hand out, “I- I’m so sorry.”

“Sorry?” Tango asks incredulously, jerking away from Jimmy. “Wh- for what? That’s just what Hels is like, okay, if it wasn’t the farm it’d have been some other terrible thing, so y’know, it’s- it’s whatever.” He lets out another harsh laugh, raking his claws through his hair. “If anything, I’m the one who should be sorry, I mean, I- I’ve been lyin’ for ten years and-”

“They put you in a farm?!”

Everyone jumps. Impulse’s voice is suddenly several octaves lower, quite a bit louder, and warped with distortion into something truly demonic. His pupils have eaten up the rest of his eyes, turning them solid black. The teeth bared in a scowl look bigger and sharper than they used to, and the hands at his sides have sprouted claws. His horns and tail have grown longer, too, and Jimmy can see what looks like dark, leathery wings sprouting up behind him. His entire body is outlined by a bright golden glow, like his skin has abruptly become as hot as lava, and the absolute fury in his expression burns even fiercer.

Ah. This must be ‘full demon’ mode.

Bdubs quickly jumps in front of Impulse, grabbing him by the shoulders to ground him. Jimmy instinctively steps in front of Tango, wings snapping out to shield him from view.

But the damage is already done. Jimmy hears footsteps, and by the time he looks over his shoulder, Tango is gone.

“Tango, wait!” Jimmy turns to follow him, but a hand suddenly grabs his arm.

Martyn is there. “Don’t chase him,” he says lowly, “he’ll only panic more.”

Jimmy wants to argue, but the severity in Martyn’s solitary eye sobers him. “Alright,” he relents, folding his wings. “I… guess I’ll give him a few minutes to calm down…”

“Right, then.” Martyn gives a short nod, putting his hands on his hips. “Wasn’t expecting that.”

“Tell me about it,” Jimmy mutters, gazing back over the clearing.

Impulse is starting to settle back down, Bdubs in front speaking to him in low tones while Etho and Joel each hang onto an arm. It looks like his extra demon-y features are reverting back to his usual state, though he still looks furious.

Grian is sitting against a tree, wings splayed out around him. He’s massaging his temples like he’s warding off a headache, his eyes squeezed shut, groaning, “How did I not see this coming?” while Scar, crouched beside him, rubs his back soothingly.

Ren is pacing back and forth across the clearing. “I should’a killed more of those guys,” he growls, tail lashing, ears pinned flat against his skull.

“Hey, you did all you could,” Bigb says comfortingly. “I was the one that got us killed. If I’d kept my shield up, he wouldn’t have gotten that shot on me.”

“I wish we’d realized that Atlas guy was in charge,” Martyn laments, crossing over to them. “If we’d stopped him from leaving, we could’a gotten a lot more information.”

“I wish we’d known Tango was dealing with all this,” Cleo says bitterly, her crossed arms resting on her knees, Scott leaned against their side. “I mean, honestly… ten years and we never knew? That’s- that’s- that’s rubbish. We’re rubbish friends.”

“Hey, hey now,” Jimmy says, lifting his voice to address the group, “this wasn’t anyone’s fault, okay? You guys have been great friends to Tango- otherwise, he wouldn’t have stuck around for so long, right? It’s- it’s just his way, to try and deal with things on his own without askin’ for help. You know that.”

Cleo exhales slowly. “Yeah, I know. Still sucks.”

“Yeah.” Jimmy glances over at Impulse, who seems to have recovered himself back to normal, sitting cross-legged next to Bdubs. “You alright, Impulse?”

Impulse gives a slight nod, expression guilty. “I’m sorry. I- I almost never lose control like that, I just got so angry… not at Tango!” he quickly clarifies. “Never at him. I- I just… thinking about what they did to him, everything he went through…”

“It’s okay, it’s okay,” Bdubs murmurs, squeezing Impulse’s hand. “That’s- it’s freaking crazy, right? With th- hyaugh, evil Hels world, puttin’ people in uh, in farms… sheesh.”

“Yeah, it’s alright,” Jimmy assures him. “I know you didn’t mean anythin’ by it. I’m sure Tango does, too, he was just so on-guard the whole time… he just got spooked, that’s all.”

“Jimmy,” Pearl says urgently, fluttering over to him while tailed by her small pack of wolves, “d’you know- uh, is- is everythin’ Tango said true?” she asks, concerned.

Jimmy swallows. “It’s true. I mean, I- I didn’t know about the farm specifically, but based on what I overheard Atlas say- it makes sense.” He rubs the back of his neck. “And gosh, I didn’t know how awful Hels was, but the way Bravo talked about it…”

“But, um…” Bdubs pipes up hesitantly. “Just- just ‘cause Tango is Bravo’s… uh, Hels… doppelgänger, whatever… doesn’t mean he’s evil, right?”

“I know!” Jimmy cries, throwing his hands up. “That’s what I’ve been tryin’ to tell him! He doesn’t believe it. He thinks he’s a monster for what he did, killin’ those guys and burnin’ down the ranch.”

“That’s ridiculous,” Martyn scoffs. He’s coaxed a still-seething Ren to lay down now, absentmindedly stroking Ren’s ears as his head rests in Martyn’s lap while Bigb starts to braid his hair. “It was self-defense, yeah? A bunch of strangers invaded your home, and he defended it. There’s nothin’ wrong with that.”

Jimmy has a feeling it’s more to do with how Tango killed them and how the fire got started, plus the fact that Jimmy got hurt in the process. But Tango didn’t share those particular details, so Jimmy’s not about to now. Besides, in his opinion, that doesn’t change anything.

“Yeah, yeah, I know,” he says ruefully. “But he still blames himself for what happened. For all of it.”

“Well, that’s stupid,” Cleo deadpans. Then she pauses. “Or- sorry, his feelings aren’t stupid, but I- I hope he knows that none of us feel that way.”

There are exclamations of agreement and similar sentiments from the rest of the group, which helps ease some of the tightness in Jimmy’s chest. He knows his friends, and knows they’re all good people who wouldn’t judge Tango like that, but it’s been hard not to let Bravo’s words get to him.

“I’ll tell him,” Jimmy promises them. “I’ll try to make him understand, he just- I think he’s always been afraid this day would come, that he’s just been tickin’ down borrowed time.”

“What d’you mean?” Grian asks, rising to his feet. “It’s not like he knew they were coming, right?”

Jimmy shakes his head. “No, I don’t think so. It’s more like… he’s always had that possibility hanging over him.”

“Yeah, I think you’re right,” Impulse says quietly. “The first time he saw a communicator portal open, you would’ve thought he was being sent to his death. It… makes sense, looking back now.” He puts his head in his hands, sighing. “Man, there were so many signs…”

Grian walks over, pulling his communicator out. “So hang on, the world itself is called Hels, yeah?”

“Yeah, why?” Jimmy asks.

Grian doesn’t respond, silently scanning his comm with his brows knit in concentration. And then something very strange happens. For a moment, it almost seems as if Grian’s eyes flash purple, and Jimmy hears his voice in his head.

(There it is. Hm, firewalled. Gonna be tricky.)

Then Grian pushes his glasses back up, and it passes.

“Right,” he says briskly, putting his comm away. “I can’t find the world, so the portal thing checks out. But since Tango’s cut this meeting a bit short, do you have any other information? Anything the Hels guys might’ve said or done that we should know about?”

Jimmy blinks. Grian’s just looking at him expectantly, giving no indication that there’s anything out of sorts. Jeeze, he’s used to having random thoughts, but the stress of everything must really be getting to him if he’s imagining his friend’s voices, now.

“Um, actually,” Jimmy says, “the collar they put on Tango… he said it’s using some sort of… modified wither rose to dampen his fire? It’s uh, also dampening our soulbond.” He clears his throat, glancing away. “As a- as a fun little side effect.”

“Have you tried removing it yet?” Etho asks, stepping around Impulse with his hands in his pockets.

“I did, earlier,” Impulse chimes in from the ground. “Just with my hands, but uh, he acted like it was hurting him.”

Jimmy nods. “Yeah, Atlas locked it on him with a key, and I’m pretty sure he still had it when he left. So I think that might be the way to get it off.”

“Well,” Joel cuts in, straightening up from where he’d been leaning over Impulse’s shoulder, “surely not the only way, right? I mean, you could always…” He makes a noncommittal noise, and draws a finger across his neck.

Jimmy bristles, wings flaring out. “What, decapitate my soulmate?!”

Joel holds up his hands. “Hey, hey, we don’t know if that thing’ll respawn on him!”

“His cuffs do!” Jimmy points out.

“Yeah, but isn’t it worth a shot?” Joel counters.

“I… I guess,” Jimmy relents, letting his feathers smooth back down. “But I’d rather look into a few other options before jumpin’ straight to decapitation, if you don’t mind. Tango’s been through enough as it is.”

Joel backs off. “Alright, fair enough.” 

“Okay…” Grian turns to address the rest of the group. “Well, um… this has been an interesting revelation, to say the least. I think we’re gonna have to do a bit more research to figure out how they got here before we just… open the world back up. So that means we’ll all be stuck here a bit longer, is that- is that okay with everyone?”

“Yes, yes of course,” Bdubs says vehemently.

“Yeah,” Impulse agrees, “whatever it takes.”

Further murmurs of assent ring out from among the group. Everywhere Jimmy looks, he sees faces full of sympathy and understanding, not a single trace of resentment or annoyance to be found. God, he loves his friends.

“Thanks, guys, I appreciate it,” he says gratefully. “I’m gonna go check on Tango, but we’ll keep you updated if anythin’ changes.”

“Right, okay then.” Grian claps his hands together. “Uh- I guess that’s all for now?”

Nodding, Jimmy turns and takes to the sky, leaving spawn behind him.

His mind is still reeling from all the heavy revelations, his stomach twisted up into knots, but he’s at least comforted by knowing that his friends are behind them. Seems that the fears Bravo tried to instill were completely unfounded, nothing more than vicious, desperate attempts to sow division between Tango and the others. Jimmy really shouldn’t have doubted them.

(That went… surprisingly well.)

(Give it time.)

‘Oh, shove off,’ Jimmy thinks.

~*~

He finds Tango back at the spare room in Impulse and Bdubs’s house.

Thank goodness for that. He hadn’t exactly been sure if Tango would consider this a safe place to go. But with the ranch destroyed and the world on lockdown, it’s not like he has a lot of options.

Tango’s sitting on the bed with his back to Jimmy. At a glance, he seems relaxed, but his legs are curled under him in a way that’d allow him to spring up in an instant. And the way his pointed ears swivel back toward Jimmy tells him Tango is quite alert.

(So deceiving…)

“Hey, Tango,” Jimmy says softly. “You alright?”

“Oh, hey.” Tango doesn’t turn around just yet, shrugging a shoulder. “Sure, yeah.”

Jimmy lingers by the bed for a moment, uncertain. “Um, Impulse didn’t mean to lose his temper like that,” he offers. “He wasn’t mad at you, he was mad at the situation, that’s all.”

“Yeah, yeah, I know. Just, in the moment- I- I- thought…” Tango sighs. “Anyway. So- so I guess I should head out, huh?”

Jimmy’s stomach drops. “What? What’re you sayin’?”

“It’s over, right?” Tango asks, his voice tight, shoulders hunched by his ears. “They don’t want me around, and I don’t blame ‘em. I mean, once Grian opens the world again, it’s only a matter of time before another portal from Hels opens up. And- and who’d want to go through all that again, right? So don’t worry, I get it, it was my fault, so-”

“No, Tango, I promise- none of them blame you, alright?” Jimmy sits down on the bed- not too close. “None of them believe what Bravo was sayin’ about you. None of them think you’re some… some evil monster that deserves to be locked up in Hels.”

Tango finally turns around. His body is coiled with all the tension of a drawn arrow. “That’s ‘cause they didn’t see me- what I did- back at the ranch,” he says sharply. “They don’t know the whole story.”

Jimmy rubs the back of his neck, exhaling slowly. He knew Tango would hold that against himself. “Well, I do, and I-”

“No, you don’t.”

Jimmy blinks. “Wh- oh, you mean the Helsknight thing?” he asks, furrowing his brows. “Look, honestly, based on what you told Bravo, I don’t blame you for doing that. You were just scared you’d get sent back, that doesn’t make you evil. I know you-”

“No, you don’t,” Tango says again, more intently. “You don’t know everything about me, Jimmy.”

Jimmy’s stomach drops. “Wha’d’you mean?”

Tango smiles without humor, a hard look in his eye. “You wanna know why I like making those- those crazy mob farms? Why I try to kill them in creative, fun ways?” He tilts his head. “Because I like it. I like to make their deaths entertaining. I’ll even sacrifice efficiency for it, I’ll go out of my way to do it. And I- it doesn’t stop there, I’ll kill passive mobs for no reason. Cats, frogs, things that don’t even have drops, for absolutely no reason. That’s not normal.”

Despite himself, Jimmy feels a chill run down his spine. “That’s not… those are just mobs, it’s- it’s not evil…”

(Are you sure about that?)

Tango exhales sharply- a short, bitter laugh. “Okay. You know why practically all my mini games end in death? Huh? You wanna guess?”

Distress shoots through Jimmy. “Tango-”

“I like to watch players die, too,” Tango says. “And I like it to be entertaining. I enjoy it, that’s- that’s just plain sadistic.” He rakes his claws through his hair. “That’s what I am, I’m a- a sadistic monster, okay, I always have been.”

“Stop it, don’t say that!” Jimmy protests, his heart twisting. “You’re not- people actually sign up for those games, you know. And it’s not like death is permanent, it doesn’t matter-”

“So?” Tango interrupts harshly. He jumps off the bed and starts pacing. “What- does that make any difference? Doesn’t matter if people enjoy them, okay, my- my reason for making them is wrong. Designing games is fun, sure, but I- that’s never what it’s been about. I like to make players struggle, and suffer, and die in the end. I like to watch them experience pain and fear in a trap of my own creation. I like the feeling of control it gives me. No matter how you look at it, that’s- I- I’m messed up.”

Jimmy can’t take this anymore. He rises to his feet. “Tango, stop, that’s enough,” he says, his voice stern. “I know I haven’t known you very long, but-”

“Yeah,” Tango snaps, rounding on Jimmy, “you haven’t! That’s the whole problem! I’ve kept a huge chunk of my life secret from you, my own soulmate. I’ve kept it from the Hermits, too- my friends of nearly a decade. I’ve deceived and lied to everyone I ever cared about. I’ve pretended to be this- this benevolent game maker who just wants everyone to have a good time, I’ve kept so much of who I really am hidden ‘cause I knew that if you guys ever saw the real me, you’d hate me.”

Jimmy’s mind is reeling. Tango’s clever eye for game design is something Jimmy’s always loved about him, the way he could create fun challenges even amidst the throes of a death game. After all, the first time they really interacted was when Jimmy died to his ‘Dare to Flare’ challenge back on the Third Life world. And that had been a laughably simple game compared to some of the things he’s done on Hermitcraft.

Even though it ended up costing Jimmy a life, the rush of adrenaline had been thrilling. And even though in hindsight, he knew it was a deliberate ploy by Tango to thin out his competitor’s lives, Jimmy’s never resented him for it.

So to suddenly realize there might’ve been more to it… that Tango might’ve actually enjoyed watching him burn to death- beyond the simple satisfaction of having outsmarted his competition, of course- is… unsettling, to say the least.

(What a start to a relationship!)

(The red flags have been there from day one.)

(A sadist and a liar, lucky you.)

But nevertheless, Jimmy holds his ground. “I don’t hate you.”

Tango tenses. “You should.”

“No, I wouldn’t,” Jimmy insists. “I love you, Tango.”

“No, you don’t!” Tango snarls, and the hurt in his voice is raw and ragged and bleeding. His eyes are burning with rage, and Jimmy’s almost certain that if it weren’t for the collar, he’d be on fire right now. “Alright? Just shut up! You love this- this version of me that I’ve presented, okay, this lie I’ve been living. You love Tango the friendly redstoner, who makes ridiculous high-pitched noises when he’s flustered and who’s funny when he’s mad and who can’t fight his way out of a one-block hole. You don’t love the sadistic blaze hybrid that sets things on fire and- and rips people’s throats out with his fucking teeth, don’t be stupid!”

The silence that follows is deafening.

(And there it is!)

(Finally showing his true colors.)

(He did try to tell you…)

For a moment, Jimmy is too stunned to speak. Tango’s never yelled at him before, not seriously, and the sting of his words is almost a physical thing.

Tango seems just as shocked at his outburst as Jimmy is, his face paling as his anger quickly extinguishes. The next words out of Tango’s mouth are almost guaranteed to be an apology, but Jimmy isn’t letting him off that easily.

“Now hang on just a second,” Jimmy says lowly. “You don’t get to tell me how I feel about you. I’m a grown player. I’m not some poor, innocent idiot that you’ve manipulated into loving you, alright? And it hurts that you’d think so little of me, that I’d stand here and just lie about my feelings to you.”

(Ooh, someone finally grew a backbone-)

Jimmy silences the thought, violently forcing it out of his mind. He’s got no patience for that sort of thing right now.

“I’m sorry,” Tango whispers, “I didn’t-”

“And what’s more,” Jimmy continues, gaining steam, “do you really think I’m the type of person to judge someone so harshly for things outta their control? You honestly think I’m some- some shallow, heartless jerk who’d turn on you, just like that? Or- for that matter, you think the Hermits would? After ten years of friendship, you have that little faith in them?”

Tango’s eyes widen. “No, no it’s- it’s not like that,” he says quickly. “I didn’t mean-”

“I don’t care that you’re from Hels,” Jimmy presses, taking a step forward. “I don’t care what you did in the past, or that you kept it from me. I don’t care if some random guy thinks you’re just the manifestation of all his evil- frankly, I think that says more about him than it does about you.” He comes to a stop in front of Tango. “I love you. The teeth, the claws, the death fascination or- or whatever you wanna call it- I love all of it. All of you. And I wish more than anythin’ they hadn’t got that damn collar on you, so you could feel that love through our soulbond. But you’ve felt it before, right? Before I knew? Well um, it hasn’t changed, I promise you that.”

Tango stares back up at him. Now that the anger’s gone, he just looks scared. “You don’t-” His voice breaks. “You can’t.”

“Yes, I do,” Jimmy answers, unwavering. As difficult as this conversation has been, this part’s easy. “I promise, cross my heart.”

Tango shudders, squeezing his eyes shut for a moment. “Please,” he whispers, “don’t… I can’t- if I let myself think that but you don’t mean it, I- I can’t handle that. Please. Just tell me now, okay, get it over with…”

Understanding settles over Jimmy. Creasing his brows, he takes a slow, deliberate step forward. “I mean it,” he says, lifting a hand to cup Tango’s cheek.

Tango trembles, but he doesn’t move away. He swallows, licks his lips. “Say it again?” he asks, almost a plea, his eyes darting to take in every inch of Jimmy’s face- like he’s unsure whether he can truly believe what he’s seeing, almost searching for any hint, any trace of doubt in Jimmy’s expression.

There isn’t any. Jimmy leans in. “I love you.”

Something glimmers in Tango’s eyes; a warm light Jimmy hasn’t seen since before the ranch burned. 

Something like hope.

Love rises inside Jimmy like a wave- love and the sorrow of shared grief, the fierce determination to withstand it, and the agony of all the past suffering he can’t take away. It’s overwhelming and exhilarating, this sudden rush of emotion. A whirling maelstrom that makes his head spin. But his love burns brightly through it all, a sole lantern against the storm.

Maybe he can’t make Tango believe he’s worthy of love. But he can give it anyway.

Jimmy moves slowly, tilting his face down towards Tango’s. He keeps his eyes open until the very last second, giving Tango plenty of time to move away or say something to stop him, to give any sign at all that he isn’t feeling the same.

There isn’t any. Their lips meet gently, like a familiar greeting. Like the way sunlight falls through the window every morning.

And just like that, the dam breaks. Suddenly Tango’s kissing him back, fervently, pushing against him. Jimmy’s legs hit the bed and buckle, sending him backwards, Tango falling on top of him. His hands cling to Jimmy’s shirt, twisting in the fabric, and his tears wet Jimmy’s face, salt on his tongue. Above the pounding of his heart in his ears, he can just make out the words Tango’s murmuring between kisses, breathless and desperate.

“I’m sorry, I’m sorry. I love you.”

Jimmy pulls him impossibly closer, whispering, “I never doubted.”

They don’t need words after that.

~*~

“Jeeze, they weren’t kidding,” Tango mutters, taking in the ranch with wide eyes.

The ranch looks even worse than Jimmy had been imagining. Nearly the entire first floor is gone, just a wide-open plot and their lonely front door sitting ajar. Aside from the odd block here and there, it’s just empty. A couple trapdoors from the furniture in the living room. The smooth stone slabs that made up their kitchen countertops. An occasional unbroken glass pane floating where there used to be windows.

It’s not a home anymore, not by any stretch of the imagination.

Up the intact cobblestone staircase, the second floor has only fared slightly better. Some of the walls are still standing, charred and moth-eaten as they are. He thinks most of the bathroom’s interior was spared, as it was primarily made of different stone materials. Polished andesite and the like. The chests in their storage room made it, of course, even though the room itself didn’t. And their bedroom seems to have gotten the worst of it. From down here, he thinks it might just be the bed itself that’s left.

The roof is gone, leaving their cobblestone chimney awkwardly sticking up from the ground to nowhere. The path up to the house and the surrounding fields have been torn up to make a ditch. Necessary as it was, it’s quite the eyesore. And to top it all off, one of the custom trees that Scar helped build has been hastily chopped down, due to its proximity to the nearby forest. There’s just a couple of logs and solitary leaves left floating in the air.

It hurts. Everywhere Jimmy looks, there’s another source of heartache. Another precious memory that’s been turned to ash. It’s almost enough to bring tears to his eyes.

But he’s also aware of Tango standing beside him. He knows how much Tango is already beating himself up for the fire, and the last thing he wants to do is add to that guilt.

Jimmy turns to give Tango a rueful grin. “Talk about your fixer-uppers, ey?”

Tango exhales slowly. “Man, it’s so…” He glances at Jimmy, expression pinched. “I’m sorry, you worked so hard-”

“It’s fine,” Jimmy says, shrugging. “It’s just a building.”

Tango hesitates. “It’s… alright to be upset. This was our home, and I- I got all ‘rahhhrr angry-burny rage mode’ on it and-”

“Not your fault,” Jimmy says, voice gentle but firm. He puts a hand on Tango’s shoulder. “If anyone’s to blame, it’s the Hels fellas for attackin’ us in the first place.”

Tango makes a noncommittal noise, scuffing the upturned dirt with his boot. “Sure.”

It’s clear he’s not convinced, but Jimmy leaves it there for now. Their conversation from yesterday is going to take some time to fully sink in. He crosses over to a haphazardly-placed double chest near the front of the ranch and crouches beside it, lifting the lid with a creak.

“Martyn said everything they were able to save is in this chest here, let’s see…” He rummages through the chest’s inventory. A lot of it is random junk; miscellaneous blocks, half-stacks of wheat, dropped weapons and armor from the fight. But there are a few good finds, like some of the clothes from their closet, a couple of flower pots, one of his framed embroidery pieces...

“Oh, hey, look at this!” Jimmy calls excitedly. “My gloves!”

He pulls the gloves out, looking up from the chest to see Tango standing over him. His eyes widen when he sees them- happily surprised at first, and then the familiar dawning of guilt and regret.

“You uh… maybe I should take those back, for now,” Tango says quietly, his ears lowered. “Or- or maybe just forever, yeah.”

“Ey, stop it, no take-backs,” Jimmy chastises him, slipping the gloves on. “Gloves couldn’t have prevented that fire, anyways. And I like wearin’ ‘em, because that way it’s sorta like I’m holdin’ your hand all the time.”

A grin tugs at Tango’s mouth. “Aw, that’s real cheesy, honey,” he teases, even as a faint blush colors his cheeks.

“Yeah, but I mean it,” Jimmy says loftily. “I’m keepin’ them.”

Tango holds his hands up, chuckling. “Alright, alright…” His gaze travels back towards the ranch, up towards the storage room with its rows of chests. “Guess we should still have plenty of materials to rebuild, huh?”

“Should do, yeah,” Jimmy says, straightening up. Having the gloves back is an immediate comfort, despite the fact he’d only gone two days without them. He foldings his arms, gaze sweeping critically over the remains of the ranch. “I guess for now, we’ll just focus on the structure? Y’know, get the place liveable again and worry ‘bout the decor and landscapin’ later…”

“Oh, that’s what you think!”

The loud voice makes them both jump. Jimmy whirls around to see Bdubs- of course, because there’s absolutely no mistaking that voice.

“Bdubs!” Jimmy laughs, clutching his heart. “What- what’re you doin’ here?”

Bdubs puts his hands on his hips. “I- I can’t believe what I’m- ‘no interior decor’, yeah right! You’re not gonna get outta that very- so easy! I tell you!”

Tango snickers. Luckily Bdubs’s sudden appearance hasn’t seemed to cause more than a brief startle. “Oh, yeah? You gonna help out, then, shorty?” 

“Hey!” Bdubs barks incredulously- though it’s clear from his expression he’s not really upset. “I’m tryin’ t- augh, n’you- you stu- yes. Yes, yes, I’m here to help, of course. For goodness sakes. I- how kind, are I! Sweet, kind Bdubs…”

“And handsome, too,” Jimmy adds cheekily.

That makes Bdubs beam, puffing his chest out. “Yeahhh, c’mon baby!”

“Don’t encourage him,” Tango groans.

“Oh, stop it!” Bdubs huffs. “Anyway, Impulse would’ve come, of course, but he and Etho- the redstone guys, you know, uh, they’re havin’ a- a- little chat, little brainy-thing… brainstormin’ ‘bout the portal stuff with Grian. But never thy fear! I saw you guys head out and, in my eternal wiseness, have already called in the forcements!”

Jimmy exchanges an amused look with Tango. “Well, any help is appreciated,” he amends.

“Sure about that, Timmy?” calls Joel’s voice, as the man himself appears over the hill.

And he’s not alone. Cleo’s taller figure looms over him, Scott and Pearl walking on either side of her as a small pack of wolves weave between their legs. The trio is followed by Martyn, Bigb, and Ren- the latter seeming to have recovered his friendly disposition and wagging tail. Finally, Scar emerges from behind a tree to round out the group, calling out a cheerful, “Hello there!”

Joel comes to a stop next to Bdubs and claps him on the shoulder. “We figured you two could use the help, what with you not bein’ builders and all.” Cheeky man.

Jimmy snorts. “Gee, thanks,” he says sarcastically. But slights at their building skills aside, he’s actually quite touched.

Tango blinks. “You guys… all came to help out?” he asks, sounding amazed. 

“Of course!” Bdubs declares. “We ha- we help!”

Cleo shrugs, giving a hapless grin. “You know, I- I- I really don’t know… why Bdubs invited me? I’m not that great a builder. But I can supervise, I guess? And- and heckle. Always heckle.”

“And reach tha’ tall bits,” Scott offers, lightly elbowing her hip.

“And reach the tall bits,” Cleo laughs. “Right. Yes.”

“It’s the least we can do,” Martyn chimes in, slinging an arm around Bigb’s shoulders, “since that portal stuff is way over my head.”

Bdubs pulls a face. “Uh…” He speaks to Jimmy and Tango behind his hand, despite making no effort to lower his voice at all- for comedic effect. “Normally, I would’ve offered my perfect redstone prowess to uh, to help the other guys out with their little portal thing, you know, but eugh- I knew someone would have ta’ keep all these jokers in line.”

“Ah, of course,” Tango replies sagely.

“Well?” Bdubs turns expectantly to the others, throwing his arms up. “Get movin’ then! Sheesh! Stand around, waitin’ for- for no raisin…”

“Yes, my liege,” Cleo drawls, rolling their eyes.

Ren claps his big paws together. “Yeah, we’re burnin’ daylight, my dudes!”

Pearl’s fuzzy wings unfurl from beneath her red cloak. “Let’s see what we’re workin’ with!” she says excitedly, fluttering up to the storage room.

Just like that, the other Double Lifers descend on the husk of the ranch. Placing down temporary chests and crafting benches, sorting through the remaining resources, filling in the ditch with dirt. Multiple conversations start up immediately as everyone sets to a task, and the atmosphere is comfortable- even if a bit strange.

Jimmy can’t recall a time when this many of them have worked on a project together. Not on Third Life, not on Last Life, not here. Something like this just wouldn’t be possible during a death game. Large gatherings between different groups are always fraught with tension and uncertainty, by the fear of a trap or a backstab or a fight breaking out.

But it’s nice. Pearl is hovering above the second floor, working with Cleo to build the walls back up while Scott prepares some stairs and slabs for detailing. Scar and Bdubs are already bickering about how to do the landscaping while Joel grumbles at them, waist-deep in the ditch with Bigb and Martyn placing dirt. Ren’s started tearing down the damaged trees, clearing room for replanting, and Pearl’s wolves mill about, filling the air with curious sniffs and yips.

Tango’s watching the scene unfold with wide eyes, and it suddenly occurs to Jimmy that this is the most people Tango’s been around since the difficult conversation at spawn. Impulse was checking on them throughout the rest of the day, of course, and a few of the other players stopped by now and again, but not in big groups or anything.

Jimmy steps closer to Tango. “Is this okay?” he asks softly.

Tango looks at him in surprise. A smile spreads across his face, and he takes Jimmy’s hand. “Yeah,” he murmurs. “Yeah, it is.”

Jimmy smiles back. “Then let’s get in there.”

~*~

Jimmy lets out a low whistle. “Dang, this looks even better than before!” he says, craning his head to look around the room.

After a full day of building and the gradual dispersal of the other Double Lifers, Jimmy and Tango are now seeing their new bedroom for the first time. They were around for the bulk of the structure building, but once it came time for the interior, Bdubs and Scar had insisted it be a surprise. Everything about it is perfect, from the custom furniture to the quilted wool rug to the fancy frame Scar built around their double-wide bed.

Tango clears his throat. “Maybe, uh- maybe we can just…” He kicks one of the beds with the toe of his boot. “... scooch this over a little…”

“Nope,” Jimmy declares, sweeping Tango off the floor and onto the bed. “Nice try, mate, but you’re stayin’ right here next to me.”

“Okay, okay, fine! I ju- don’t say I didn’t warn you!” Tango huffs, but he’s grinning as he says it.

~*~

“Alright, fellas,” Grian says, clapping his hands together, “here’s what we’ve got so far…”

Jimmy leans forward, resting his elbows on his knees. Tango is a little tense beside him- probably just nerves. But it could be worse. They’re gathered in the living room of Impulse and Bdubs’s house; Grian perched on the arm of the sectional across from Jimmy and Tango, Impulse and Etho sitting adjacent to them. The familiar setting and fairly limited company seems to have helped put Tango more at ease for what might end up being a tricky conversation.

“We’re... pretty sure we know how the Hels peeps got here,” Grian continues, “but there are a few things we need to clarify, first.” He glances at Etho, inclining his head. “Etho, you wanna explain?”

“Oh yeah, yeah.” Etho stands up. “Tango, may I see your comm, please? I uh, just need to look at it for a minute.”

Tango blinks. Anxiety flashes across his face for just a brief second before disappearing. “Oh. Uh, sure?” He pulls the item from his inventory, holding it out.

Etho takes the communicator. “So,” he begins, sitting back down, “you said that in Hels, players can’t make portals with their communicators, right?”

Tango gives a short nod. “That’s right. That comm isn’t the one I spawned with, they took that from me at Hels Tek. X made me a new one, after I got to Hermitcraft.” He gives a dry laugh. “I told him- I told him I lost it. Which, I mean, that’s- it’s technically not a lie, just... not the whole truth.”

Jimmy gives him a sympathetic look. He might no longer be worried that the others will reject him, but this still can’t be easy to talk about.

Etho studies the communicator, his mismatched eyes narrowed in concentration. “So after you got a new comm, you were able to use it to make portals?”

“Yeah,” Tango says, “it uh, it’s taken me to each Hermitcraft world and everything in between, no problem. Hubs, solo worlds, creative- you name it.”

Etho hums. “Can you use your comm to travel to Hels?”

“No.” Tango glances away. “I’ve looked for it, a few times. Never shows up.”

That brings a couple more questions to mind, but Jimmy files them away for later.

“Interesting.” Etho seems to be delving deep into the communicator’s hardware, typing rapidly. “So uh, the portal issue isn’t centered on players that spawn in Hels, just their communicators. And since overworld communicators can’t find Hels, there must be something about the world itself preventing it.”

Tango knits his brows together. “I suppose…?”

It’s at this point that Grian leans forward. “Have either of you heard about firewalls?” he asks.

Tango shakes his head, but Jimmy’s heart jolts. He has heard that word before; just the other day, when he thought he heard Grian’s voice in his head. But that’s not exactly something Jimmy wants to bring up right now. Or ever, maybe. His weird, random, intrusive thoughts don’t need to be anyone else’s problem.

“Um…” Jimmy pretends to think about it for a moment. “I think I’ve heard the term somewhere before, but I- I dunno what that actually means.”

“Right.” Grian spreads his hands. “So firewalls are a sort of added security measure that admins can use when making a new world. It’s like, an impenetrable barrier ‘round the world that makes it basically impossible for anyone unauthorized to join via portal.”

“Wait, really?” Tango asks, eyes widening. “What- why haven’t I heard about this? Do all worlds have these?”

Grian makes a noncommittal noise. “Well, firewalls are kinda outdated. Developments in server security and comm travel have basically rendered them obsolete. I mean, when’s the last time you heard of a private world being raided, besides ours?” He shrugs. “Plus, it’s a real tedious process to set one up, so they aren’t used often. Mostly for multiplayer worlds that are invite-only, if an admin is particularly concerned about hackers.”

Jimmy holds out a hand. “So wait, hang on, this- what’s this got to do with our situation?”

Impulse catches his eye. “If you try to join a firewalled world without permission, it doesn’t show up on your comm.”

“Oh,” Tango says, realization dawning in his expression. “You think Hels has a firewall?”

“It’s the only thing I can think of,” Grian says, nodding. “However, it’s a bit odd, ‘cause firewalls are usually just one-way… meaning that they keep players out, but they don’t stop players from leaving. So if that’s what’s goin’ on with Hels, it’s a firewall unlike any I’ve ever heard of- where it’s meant to keep players in, too. I’m not exactly sure if that’s why comms made in Hels can’t make portals, or if that’s due to something else entirely, but uh, that’s my best guess.”

Tango runs a hand through his hair. “That’s… I mean, this is the first I’ve heard of firewalls, but that doesn’t sound impossible…”

“So,” Jimmy speaks up hesitantly, “so how did the Hels Tek guys open a portal here?”

“How, indeed?” Etho repeats, finally looking up from Tango’s communicator. “Well, we know the portal was red, not purple. That’s like a comm portal, the way their light syncs up with the world they lead to. But uh, you know, the players coming through had items and armor on them, and they didn’t show up at world spawn. Their spawns didn’t reset, either, they uh- they kept spawning back on the other side. That makes me think this was actually a hacked nether portal, not a comm portal.”

Tango frowns. “Hang on, we- we didn’t have nether portals in Hels, either. I mean, how- there was no point, the nether and the overworld were combined into one realm.”

“Right.” Etho’s got that look in his eye- the glint of an idea about to take off. Jimmy’s seen it in Tango countless times. “You know how nether portals work?”

Tango coughs into his fist. “Oh, right, of course I know all the uh, super technical skadoodle bits, but- but maybe you should go over it.” He jerks his head towards Jimmy and Grian. “You know, for these uh, non-redstone people here.”

“Please do,” Jimmy chuckles.

Etho’s eyes crinkle upwards, like he’s smiling behind his mask. “Basically, they grab the coordinates they’re made on and translate it to nether coords, and vice versa. From what you’ve told me about Hels, being a fusion of the nether and overworld realms, a nether portal couldn’t work ‘cause it’d be like… giving it coords to a place it already is? It’d just crash and never ignite. But if you gave a nether portal frame coordinates to a different place… like, say, a different world…”

Even with Jimmy’s scarce knowledge of portals, it’s easy enough to catch Etho’s meaning.

“That’s crazy,” Tango protests. “How’d they- how could they possibly have gotten coordinates to Double Life?”

“I don’t think they did. I think they got coords to you.” Etho leans forward. “Think about it. The portal didn’t open at spawn, it opened down the hill from the ranch- where you were. I think that was intentional, considering you’re the whole reason they came.”

Jimmy’s mind is spinning. “But... how? And how’d you figure all this out?”

Etho shrugs a shoulder. “Uh, educated guess? Like, just kinda based on the things Bravo said, and what Tango’s told us about Hels and the players it spawns. But um, looking at his comm just now basically confirms it for me.”

“Wait, really?” Tango asks, surprised. “How?”

Etho tilts his head. “Communicators are pretty special items. They’re unique to the player they spawn with- even a replacement communicator like this one. It might not have the hard locks on it that prevent it from summoning portals, but it’s still unique to you. And based on its data, I can tell your player data is a little different. I think it has to do with you being from Hels.”

Tango hesitates. “Okay, and…?”

“If you and Bravo are really counterparts,” Etho says, “then I’d expect your data to be similar. Like, the same word in different languages, in a metaphorical sense. So if Bravo’s data was fed into a nether portal, it’d translate it to your data, and open a portal at your coords. Plus or minus a few blocks, probably.”

Jimmy knits his brows together. “So… you’re sayin’ they used Bravo to open a portal to Tango?” he surmises.

Etho nods. “I’d need Bravo’s comm or a look at his player data to confirm, but that’s my best guess, yeah.” He holds the communicator back out to Tango.

Tango stashes the communicator in his inventory. “So wait, what about- how does the firewall thing factor in, here?” he asks. “If it stops comm portals, wouldn’t it stop a nether portal, too?”

“Yes and no,” Grian answers. “A firewall works by constantly scanning for portals. If it finds one trying to form, it’ll crash it. If a nether portal was used to travel between different worlds, rather than two realms on the same world, a firewall would recognize it all the same.”

“But,” Etho continues, “if they somehow figured out how to stabilize the portal… like, by sending a constant stream of updates… it’d constantly reset the scanner of the firewall. Sort of like an update suppressor. That way, the uh, the firewall can never actually register the portal as a problem and shut it down. So that’d be one way they could keep a hacked nether portal open, even in the face of a firewall.”

Tango exhales slowly. “Okay…” he says, “and how do we stop them from doing that ever again?”

Impulse winces. “That, we’re not sure about. I mean, if Bravo wasn’t there for them to grab a signal from, I guess that’d stop them. However they built a portal, it probably needs his data to function.”

“Oh, well, great.” Tango throws his hands up. “No way he won’t help them again, he hates my guts. Only reason they haven’t come back yet is ‘cause Grian locked the world down, I- I guarantee it. But we can’t just all stay locked in here forever, you’ve all got lives and other worlds to get back to.”

Jimmy frowns, putting a hand on Tango’s shoulder. “Tango, anyone who’s got a problem with you has a problem with all of us.”

“For sure,” Grian agrees.

“Besides,” Impulse says, shrugging, “not to toot our own horns or anything, but I think we handled ourselves just fine against them.”

“You mean Pearl’s wolves handled them,” Tango says flatly. “And you guys had the element of surprise. I guarantee the only reason they went down so easy is ’cause they weren’t expecting much resistance. They show up again, now knowing what they’re up against, and that’s- that’s gonna turn out a whole lot differently.” He crossed his arms. “I need to leave, before Grian opens the world back up.”

“And what, just wait for them to come after you?” Jimmy demands, his wings puffing up. “Absolutely not.”

Tango makes an unhappy noise in the back of his throat. “It’s- you understand it’s only a matter of time, right?” he stresses. “Maybe it won’t be right after Grian lifts the lockdown, okay, maybe it’ll be days, or weeks, or months. Either way, it’ll happen eventually, and when it does… whether it’s- if that happens here, or back on Hermitcraft, or the next Life world... the result will be the same. People I care about will get caught in the crossfire, I- I’m not lettin’ that happen again.”

Jimmy pauses, wings drooping. The distress in Tango’s voice is sobering. There’s no question that Tango cares fiercely about his friends, and the guilt for putting them in harm’s way must be staggering. But still, he insists, “We don’t mind stayin’ put-”

“For how long, though?” Tango asks pointedly. “I can’t ask you guys to stay here forever. Like, I- I can’t stress enough how obsessive Atlas is. He came for me after ten years, okay, he’s not gonna just give up or lose interest. There will always be the risk of them opening another portal to me, so long as Bravo is in Hels.”

“So what if Bravo wasn’t in Hels?” Impulse cuts in.

Tango gives him a confused look. “What do you mean?”

Impulse’s eyes are alight with excitement as he gains steam with his idea. “What if we went to Hels and got him out? That way, he’s not mad at you for being stuck there anymore, right, and Hels Tek can’t use him to make another portal.”

“What, you mean we open a portal to Hels?” Tango asks, raising his eyebrows. “I- I thought we already established that our comms can’t take us there, what- how are we supposed to get there?”

“The same way they got here,” Etho says. “We use your data to open a hacked nether portal to Bravo. Ahah.”

As intimidating as the prospect of encountering Hels Tek again is, Jimmy has to admit it’s probably the only solution. They can’t just ignore the problem and hope it goes away, not if it means Tango could get randomly attacked at any moment. And with all of the Double Lifers together, they stand a much better chance of succeeding.

“That’s a great idea!” Jimmy exclaims. “We grab him, shake Atlas down for the key to the collar while we’re at it, and get out. Problem solved.”

Tango doesn’t seem nearly as enthused. “No way. Absolutely no way. That’s- that’s way too dangerous, if you guys get stranded there- and Atlas is already looking for more hybrids to make farms with, he was about to take Jimmy for a feather farm!”

A brief silence follows this revelation.

Grian grimaces, ruffling his wings. “Oh, woof.”

“What?” Impulse asks, taken aback. “That’s why he had Jimmy chained up, too?”

Jimmy blinks. “Oh, is that what he meant?”

“What’d you th- you didn’t know?” Tango asks incredulously.

Jimmy holds his hands up. “Hey, hey, I didn’t spend much time thinkin’ about what he said to me!” he says sheepishly. “I was more concerned about you.”

Tango pinches the bridge of his nose. “Oh. Oh, great. Well yeah, that’s what he wanted you for, to stick you in a feather farm skadoodler for all eternity.”

Jimmy swallows. No wonder Tango’s been so against the idea of them going against Hels Tek again. Death is no big deal- they’d simply respawn. Few injuries cause lasting damage. But being trapped in a farm like that, with no means to escape…

“Well,” he says, “that still doesn’t change my mind. You’re his number one target, okay, you can’t go without backup.”

“No,” Tango huffs. “Let me do it. I- I know Bravo shouldn’t just be left there forever, but that’s not your guys’ faults! It’s my life, my mistake, you guys shouldn’t be putting yourselves at risk like that-”

“Tango,” Jimmy interrupts, “we’re not gonna make a portal to Hels and just send you through alone-”

“Well, I’m not letting you guys come with me!” Tango shoots back. “Most of you guys are hybrids or monsters, too, and I’m not gonna risk Atlas turning you into farms.”

Grian clicks his tongue. “Ey, we wouldn’t let that happen.”

“Yeah,” Jimmy says, “and what’s the alternative? You just take off to some solo world until Hels Tek comes a’knockin’?”

Tango shrugs. “I mean, I’d be fine with that-”

“No,” Jimmy says firmly. “I’m not lettin’ that happen. This is our only option, to put this problem to bed forever, and we stand the best chance if we do it together. We have to take it.” He grabs Tango’s hand. “Please, Tango.”

Tango hesitates, staring at their intertwined hands.

Now more than ever, Jimmy desperately wishes that he had some sense of what Tango’s thinking- even just the slightest insight to his thoughts, the faintest impression of an emotion through their soulbond. Especially since he’s had his confidence in reading Tango so thoroughly shaken over the last week. It’s scary to consider that he might not know Tango nearly half as well as he should, that Tango can so effectively mask his true feelings even from him.

“... fine,” Tango says, after a small eternity. “Fine, okay, we- let’s plan an invasion to Hels, sure.”

Jimmy gasps. “Really?”

“But,” Tango says warningly, “we gotta go about this extremely carefully, alright? No willy-nilly ‘rushing in blindly without a plan’ nonsense. And- and once we’re there, if at any point I tell you guys to flee, you- you best be fleein’, got it? With extra flee. No stupid heroics of noble stupidness.”

It’s a chance. That’s better than nothing. “Yes, alright!” Jimmy cheers. “Thank you!”

(Yay, we’re going to Hels- said no one ever.)

(Do they know what they’re getting into?)

(Oh boy, here we go.)

Etho shrugs. “Whatever you say, Tango, you’re the uh, you’re the Hels expert, here.”

Impulse folds his arms. “That’s a dirty condition you kinda tacked on the end, there,” he mutters, “but I’ll accept it.”

“Alright then.” Tango gives a tired sigh, but the corners of his mouth are curling into a smile. “I- I guess we’re doin’ this. We’ve got some room in the basement at the ranch, we can build it there.”

“Excellent.” Grian grins. “Let’s build a portal to Hels, fellas.”

~*~

Jimmy’s startled awake by a shout.

Heart pounding, he squints into the dark room. As his eyes struggle to adjust in the scarce light, he can just barely make out Tango sitting upright in bed. His rapid, shallow breaths wheeze through clenched teeth, faint sparks emitting from his dim blaze rods as they try to ignite.

“Tango,” Jimmy whispers, sitting up, “you okay?”

Tango’s breathing hitches. Then he turns to collapse against Jimmy’s chest, clinging fiercely to his shirt. His entire body is trembling. “Nightmare,” he manages to get out.

Jimmy’s heart twists. He knew it was only a matter of time, but that doesn’t make it any easier to see. Gently, he wraps his arms around Tango, then his wings for good measure. “I got ya,” he murmurs. “I’m here.”

Tango tucks his face against Jimmy’s shoulder and falls silent. Maybe he’ll want to talk about it in the morning, maybe he won’t. But for now, Jimmy just holds him, and hopes that’s enough.

~*~

Jimmy stares at the redstone circuitry laid out before him. “I understand none of this.”

Though it’s only been a few days since they started work on the portal, they’ve already made a lot of progress. Impulse and Etho have been over basically around the clock, with Bdubs and Joel tagging along more often than not. They’ll watch the redstoners work until they get bored, and inevitably wander upstairs to bug Jimmy. Grian checks in on them every now and then, and the other Double Lifers have popped by for little visits, so it’s been a lot of activity at the ranch. Lots of people coming and going.

It’s strange, but not necessarily in a bad way. Almost like an actual pleasant community feeling. Neighbors helping neighbors and all that.

A dedicated digging session has left them with a bit more space in the basement, allowing them to section off a separate room from Tango’s sugar cane farm. They finished it with a stone floor and simple wooden walls at Bdubs’s insistence (he considered it unacceptable to just leave it all as freshly-dug dirt). An obsidian portal frame (complete with corners at Etho’s insistence) stands empty against the back wall, leaving abundant floor space for the redstone- of which there is plenty.

Redstone dust wires criss-cross through rows of repeaters and hopper lines. It’s all far beyond Jimmy’s capacity to understand, of course, but even Tango seems a bit baffled. He’s claimed many times that his understanding of redstone is surface-level at best, and that his real skill comes in applying the various components and systems in creative ways. But he’s at least been able to help with the construction, the actual placing of redstone components.

“Right,” Tango laughs, running a hand through his hair. “Let’s- lemme see if I’ve got this right…” He points at a long line of redstone dust. “Main circuit to the portal.”

Impulse nods. “Yep.” 

Tango steps gingerly around the redstone, gesturing towards a rather complex looking amalgamation of observers and comparators. “This nonsense over here will turn my skadoodle bits into a fireable signal.”

Etho, leaned against the wall with his hands in his pockets, chuckles. “Pretty much.”

“And this,” Tango waves at the hoppers, “will count out the final coords before they hop on the main bus line to the portal.”

Jimmy nods hesitantly. “Okay… okay, cool, so- so is it done, then?”

“Not quite,” Impulse says. “We need a player detector.”

Tango creases his brows together. “What, like a- like a pufferfish? A skulk sensor?”

“No, more like a- a whole separate system,” Etho explains. “It’s more than just registering your presence. We need something that can read your data, pick out your coordinates, and send them to the portal for translation to Bravo.”

Tango exhales slowly. “That… sounds pretty complicated.”

“Oh, it will be,” Impulse says, folding his arms. “I mean, just think about how much data each player contains, right, all the codes that dictate our behavior and biology… we don’t wanna overload this thing, so it’ll require some heavy-duty filtering.”

“Not only that,” Etho continues, “but uh, if that firewall thing turns out to be a problem, we’re gonna have to figure out a way to stabilize the portal, too. That’ll take some tinkering with different power sources til we find the exact right input to override the firewall’s checker.”

Jimmy winces; he’d been hoping for a quicker solution. It’s already been over a week since the invasion, and he knows Tango hates being stalled. The sooner they get this problem taken care of, the sooner they can stop worrying and get back to their normal lives. Jimmy himself doesn’t have anywhere else to be, but the other Double Lifers do. And even if they don’t mind the unexpected stay-cation, it definitely bothers Tango that their lives have been disrupted for his sake. Goodness knows he’s already got enough of a guilt complex.

But Tango simply gives a bemused smile. “Well, let’s get started, then.”

~*~

“Are we really sure we wanna do this?”

Jimmy winces at Tango’s tone. “I know, I know,” he says regretfully, “it wasn’t my favorite idea either. But if it can get that collar off’a you, we gotta try, right?”

Trying to remove the collar manually had resulted in a sharp, shooting pain through Tango’s neck at the slightest movement. Trying to remove it with redstone had proven unsuccessful- clearly, it was designed to be insulated against any outside signals. Trying to pick the lock had resulted in nothing but a lot of frustration. So that left them with their last resort.

They’ve moved outside, round the back of the ranch, to avoid getting blood stains all over their newly refurbished house. A random bed has been placed down to provide them with a quick and easy respawn, their items temporarily stowed in a chest. Impulse holds a Sharpness V sword, tail flicking as he watches them apprehensively.

“I’m only gonna do this if you’re okay with it,” he tells Tango seriously. “We can go back to the drawing board, come up with some other things to try…”

“No, no,” Tango shakes his head, “I don’t- you shouldn’t be wasting time on this, you’re already working pretty much nonstop on the portal.”

The frustration in his voice is evident. Impulse frowns. “I don’t mind…”

“Well, I do!” Tango says, crossing his arms and glancing away.

Jimmy exchanges a look with Impulse before putting a gentle hand on Tango’s shoulder. “I know there’s a chance it won’t work,” he starts quietly, “and we’ll have killed ourselves for nothin’. No one likes gettin’ their head cut off. But it’ll be over quick, we’ll respawn straight back here, and then at least we’ll know we tried everything.”

Tango makes a noncommittal noise. “Hey, I- I’m not afraid of a little decapitation, alright, I just… I feel kinda bad putting you through this, you know?” Guilt creeps into his expression. “It’s not your neck that the stupid thing is stuck on. You shouldn’t have to-”

“We’re in this together,” Jimmy tells him steadily. “So if you’re willin’ to try it, I’m happy to die along with ya.”

Tango manages a faint laugh. “Jeeze, honey, you- you don’t have to make it sound so dramatic. We aren’t on a three-life system anymore.”

Jimmy shrugs. “Well, that’s how I feel! Honestly, if there’s even a chance this’ll get that thing off’a you, I’m down.”

“Alright.” Tango takes a quick, steadying breath. “Okay, I wanna try.” He glances at Impulse. “Uh- commence the chop-ificating, then, I guess.”

Impulse nods; he’s keeping his expression and general demeanor calm, reassuring. “Okay, then. So here’s what I’m gonna do…” He carefully sets the edge of his blade along the rim of Tango’s collar, so that the metal is just barely touching skin, and then pinches the collar between the fingers of his other hand. “I’ll give it one quick, clean slice, and try to pull the collar off your body, okay?”

Tango tilts his chin up. “Okay,” he whispers. He’s nervous, now; every muscle in his body is rigid.

Jimmy reaches for his hand. “I’ll be right there with ya.”

Impulse tightens his grip on the sword. “Tango, gimme a countdown whenever you’re ready.”

“Alright.” Tango exhales shakily, closing his eyes. “Five... four... three... two...”

Jimmy closes his eyes and squeezes Tango’s hand.

“One.”

Pain slices across Jimmy’s neck- an intense, searing burn, like he’s swallowed a bucket of lava. There’s a rush of vertigo, the world spinning off-kilter around him. He’s instantly thrust into darkness, that all-consuming void with which he’s rather familiar.

And then it’s over. He’s back, sitting on the bed with Tango in a piled heap of limbs. 

Jimmy sucks in a breath. Now that everything’s stopped spinning, he can see that the collar is still around Tango’s neck.

“Oh, babe,” he murmurs, sweeping Tango into a hug. “I’m sorry.”

Tango’s laugh is muffled against his shoulder. “Worth a shot, right?”

Impulse, standing a few feet away and holding a bloody sword, looks dismayed. “No good,” he says as he walks over, putting the sword away. “Your body respawned before I could pull the collar off. But uh, that’s… not the only issue.”

That makes Tango look over. “What is it?”

“I caught a look at the inner face of it,” Impulse says, frowning, “the part that’s actually touching your skin? And, um… it looks like there’s a bunch of little… spikes on the inside of the collar?”

“Spikes?” Jimmy repeats, raising his eyebrows.

“Yeah, I don’t know how else to describe them?” Impulse rubs the back of his neck. “Um, they’re black in color, not super big... probably thinner than my pinky finger but not like, needles or anything…”

“Oh.” Tango blinks. “It’s the thorns. They’re wither rose thorns. That’s how it works.”

Jimmy’s heart jolts. “What?”

Tango spreads his hands. “When Atlas locked the collar, it must’ve caused a- a bunch of thorns to pop out and dig into my neck. But they aren’t- they don’t have the full strength of wither rose, so that’s why I’m not getting the full wither effect, and after a while, you know, they sorta- they numb the area, so I don’t feel them. But when we start yanking on the collar, it forces them deeper into my skin, so it hurts.”

“Oh... my gosh,” Jimmy breathes, aghast. “That’s- that’s horrible!”

The whole concept of the collar is already inhumane- to treat a fellow sentient player like a simple animal. But this? This is just plain evil. 

Impulse seems to be trying very hard not to get upset again. “Well, then,” he says, voice tight. “That rules out my next suggestion, which was to just go at it with a few sharp axes. I don’t wanna like, hammer those thorns deeper into your neck...” His expression turns thoughtful. “What if we try and get something sharp between your neck and the collar, slice off the thorns all the way around? Then we could-”

“No,” Tango interrupts. “Look, I- I appreciate the help, but if we tweak this thing the wrong way, it could probably jab an artery, or puncture my trachea, and then I’d respawn and be right back at square one again! No, I- I think we’re done.”

Impulse looks like he wants to argue, but Jimmy catches his gaze, giving him an imploring look. 

“Alright,” Impulse relents. “I’m sorry it didn’t work out.”

“Yeah,” Jimmy says, “we’ll get that collar off, I promise.”

“It’s fine.” Tango’s avoiding Jimmy’s eyes. “It... might not be the worst thing, you know, to have my fire locked down. Considering our fancy new house and all.”

Oh, they can’t have that. Jimmy puts a hand on his shoulder. “Tango,” he says seriously, “your fire is a part of you, and I’m not gonna rest til we’ve got it back.”

Tango sighs, but when he looks up, his eyes are fond. “I know.”

Impulse exhales slowly. “Do you... wanna try and get the cuffs off, then?” he offers.

“What?” Tango jolts. “Why? They aren’t hurtin’ anything.”

Impulse holds up his hands. “Hey, it’s okay, I just thought... if they’re from that terrible place, maybe you’d wanna get rid of ‘em?”

“And y’know,” Jimmy chimes in, “it’d be a lot easier for someone else to crack them off ya, couple good swings with an axe, maybe…”

“That won’t work,” Tango says stiffly. “They’ve been on me for so long now, been through so many respawns that if I’m not the one to remove them, it- they’ll just keep coming back.” 

Impulse inhales through his teeth, understanding dawning in his eyes. “Oh, man.”

“Are you sure?” Jimmy asks, his heart sinking. He isn’t overly familiar with the universal rules that determine what does and doesn’t respawn along with a player, but Tango seems pretty certain.

“Yeah. They’re basically part of my data now.”

“Oh.”

The unspoken question is glaringly obvious: ‘why haven’t you removed them yet, then?’ The cuffs seem just as well-made as the collar, but surely there’s a way to cut through them. At least, he should’ve been able to find a way sometime during the last ten years- even if he wasn’t comfortable asking any of the Hermits to help him.

But Jimmy can tell Tango’s already hit his limit for today. It’s a subject he’s always avoided discussing in the past, so they’ll just have to wait until he’s ready.

(Oh, gonna make that mistake again?)

‘Shut up,’ Jimmy thinks.

~*~

“Need some help, hun?”

“Ack!” Jimmy gives a start, accidentally yanking out the feather he’d been teasing. He whirls around. “Tango!”

Tango holds his hands up. “Sorry, sorry!”

“Jeeze,” Jimmy laughs, catching his breath, “I- I thought you guys were still working on the portal!”

“Well, yeah,” Tango says, closing the door behind him, “but Etho thinks we need a redstone ore block and we didn’t have any layin’ around, so he and Impulse went mining.” He crosses over to sit on the bed, curiously studying the feathers strewn about. “Doin’ some preening?”

“Um...” Jimmy ducks his head sheepishly. “Yeah, just- just the uh, burned ones... they’re startin’ to itch.”

Tango gives him a sad smile. “Hey, it’s alright. You don’t have to hide it from me, I- I won’t get all weird mega guilt-trippy about it.”

Jimmy softens. “I just... I know you’ve been beating yourself up about it, that’s all.” He gazes at the burned feather in his hand. “It was an accident. I don’t blame you.”

“I know.” Tango runs a gentle hand over one of Jimmy’s wings. “Can… can I help?”

Jimmy smiles. “Sure.”

~*~ 

“Wait, are you serious?” Tango asks, eyes wide. “You think the portal’s ready to go? Right now?”

Grain nods. “Yeah, I do.”

Jimmy glances between them with raised eyebrows. They’d called Grian over for a little update on the current state of the portal project- now complete with the fancy player detector system that the redstoners have been painstakingly building over the past week. But once Etho explained that the final step was stabilization, Grian had dropped a bomb on them.

“I’ve uh… been doin’ some research,” Grian continues, “and I’m pretty sure that Hels has a firewall that’s just been sorta… inverted? It’s still a one-way barrier, it just stops players from making portals out rather than in. ‘Course, it’s still inaccessible by comm portal, but our little set-up here should circumvent that. Once we’ve gotten the portal to lock onto Bravo’s coords, there shouldn’t be anythin’ stopping it from forming.”

Etho scratches the side of his mask. “Well, if we don’t have to stabilize the portal, that’ll definitely simplify things,” he says. “We might actually have everything we need already.”

“Couldn’t hurt to fire it up,” Impulse agrees, glancing at Tango. “Just to give it a little test drive? If we do get a portal open, we can easily shut it down right after. We don’t have to actually go through it.”

Tango hesitates. “But wouldn’t Grian have to lift the lockdown?”

“Yeah, I will,” Grian amends. “But I’ve actually just finished settin’ up a firewall, so when I lift the lockdown, we’ll still be protected. We’ll be able to leave through any portal we want, but no one else can get in without bein’ on the whitelist.”

“Wait, really?” Tango looks surprised. “Why- did you let the others know? I- I’m sure they’ll wanna get back to their other worlds.”

“Ey, I only just finished it!” Grian defends. “I wanted to let you lot know first, so there wouldn’t be any panic or confusion if people started randomly leavin’ through portals. I’ll inform the others, but uh, I’m pretty sure they’ll wanna just stick around til we get this done. Especially if the portal’s ready to go. All that’ll be left to do is come up with our plan of attack, and we’ll need all hands on deck for the actual mission.”

“Yeah,” Impulse says easily, “Hermitcraft can wait.”

Tango chews his lip. “I… I guess we can try it,” he relents.

“Great!” Grian pulls his communicator out. “Gimme a second to lift the lockdown, okay…”

Jimmy turns to Tango, taking him by the hands. “Hey, is this alright?” he asks softly. “We don’t have to try it today if you don’t wanna.”

“Yeah, yeah, I’m alright,” Tango assures him, squeezing his hands. “It’s just- it’s a bit sooner than I was expecting, you know? But this is good. I mean, if this works, then this whole business will finally be over.”

Jimmy’s eyes trace the collar around Tango’s neck. “Yeah. And not a moment too soon.”

Obviously they’ve still got a pretty significant task ahead of them. It’ll be no easy feat to storm Hels Tek, not if they’ve got as much muscle backing them up as they did for the invasion. Atlas is one slippery fella, and it might be hard to get Bravo to listen to them long enough to cooperate. But getting the portal in working order is another hurdle down, so they can shift gears towards the impending mission. And once that’s done, there’ll no longer be a threat hanging over them.

Suffice to say, Jimmy’s looking forward to getting back to his domestic bliss.

“Okay,” Grian says, glancing up, “lockdown is officially lifted. Go ahead.”

“Alright, Tango.” Etho pushes away from the wall. “Uh, just hop onto the redstone ore block whenever you’re ready, I guess? Everything should be in place.”

Tango exhales shakily, looking nervous, but he manages to give Jimmy a smile. “Here goes nothin’...”

Turning away, he steps onto the redstone ore block, which immediately lights up. It starts a sort of ripple effect along the dust that connects it to the rest of the redstone, triggering all kinds of ticking and flashing. It’s all Jimmy can do to follow the signal as it travels towards the portal frame-

Static fills the air, and the portal ignites. Swirling red light fills the frame.

“Oh, nice,” Grian breathes.

“Yes!” Impulse cheers. “We did it!”

“Okay, uh, Tango?” Etho nods at him. “Go ahead and step off the block, now.”

Tango doesn’t respond. He’s staring at the portal with an unreadable expression clouding his gaze, almost as if in a trance.

Jimmy quickly hurries to his side. “Tango,” he murmurs, gently shaking his arm, “come on.”

“Huh?” Tango jolts. “Oh, oh right, sorry!” 

He steps aside, and the portal remains lit. Impulse grins. “Alright, looks like we’re good,” he says, stooping over to hit a button next to the portal. A piston extends across the redstone line, and the portal extinguishes.

Jimmy lets out a breath of relief. An irrational part of him had been worried that Hels players would immediately start pouring through. “You okay?” he asks Tango quietly.

Tango nods. “Yeah, sorry,” he says with an apologetic smile. “I’m fine, it just… kinda hit me all at once.”

“Yeah,” Impulse says, “I definitely wasn’t expecting to have a working portal today, either. But hey, good job guys!”

“Yeah, nicely done, fellas,” Grian says, sounding pleased. He starts typing on his communicator. “I’m gonna let the others know we’ve got the portal workin’, and tomorrow… we’ll all meet to start planning our invasion of Hels. I’m sure if we put our heads together, we can come up with a solid plan to get Bravo, get that key from Atlas, and get out.”

Tango snorts. “Oh, sure. Easy peasy.”

“Don’t worry,” Jimmy says, putting a hand on Tango’s shoulder. “We won’t go through til we’re all good and ready, yeah?”

Tango’s expression softens. “Yeah.”

“Right.” Grian puts his communicator away. “Get some rest, everyone, and we’ll see you tomorrow. Details in chat.”

~*~

<Grian> portal done. meet @ impulse and bdubs tomorrow at noon for hels invasion plotting. all ideas welcome

<PearlescentMoon> Ooh :0 

<InTheLittleWood> wait seriously? already??

<Renthedog> YO amazing job on the portal guys! :D 

<BdoubleO100> oh THANKS A LOT for volunteering us to host GRIAN!!

<Grian> :P 

~*~

Later that night, in the dark quiet of their room, Tango rolls over to nestle his head beneath Jimmy’s chin, claws bunching up the fabric of his shirt.

“Thanks,” he murmurs.

Jimmy hums. “For what?”

“For… not givin’ up on me.”

“What’d’you mean?”

“I mean… you know, I- after everything I did, and- and everything I said…”

“I already told you, that doesn’t matter to me.”

“Yeah, I know. But when I realized the secret was out… that things were- that we couldn’t just go back to normal… I mean, I was convinced it was over. Everything, my- my new life, my freedom, my friends. Us. But you never gave up hope.”

“Of course. It’s been a long road here, alright, I- I’m not givin’ that up without a fight.”

Tango tilts his chin up to look at Jimmy, red eyes glowing in the dark, and leans in to meet his lips. They kiss slow and sweet. Warmth hums in Jimmy’s chest.

This hasn’t been an easy journey, and he knows there’s plenty more challenges still ahead. Even if the mission to Hels goes well and they achieve all that they want to, the experiences Tango’s been through won’t magically go away. It’ll take time. Healing isn’t linear. But with everything out in the open now and the support of their friends, Jimmy’s hopeful that Tango can start to unlearn his self-hatred. Jimmy will be there every step of the way.

All too soon, Tango pulls away. “We should get some rest,” he whispers, settling against Jimmy again.

“Yeah,” Jimmy sighs ruefully, draping a wing across Tango. “Gonna need all two of my brain cells at full strength.”

Tango huffs a soft laugh. “Love you, honey.”

Jimmy closes his eyes, smiling. “Love you, too.

~*~

Jimmy wakes up to a cold bed.

That immediately sets off alarm bells in his head, because since when has Tango gotten out of bed before him? Then he opens his eyes and realizes it’s still night; a faint crescent moon hangs in the starry sky visible through their window. Their room is dark and empty. Tango is nowhere to be seen.

The alarm bells become a siren.

No, no, no, no, no.

Jimmy springs out of bed, sparing a second only to grab his shoes off the floor before throwing the door open. His heart is in his throat as he flies down the stairs to the main level- all dark and empty- and hooks the corner to wrench open the basement door. 

Already he can see the chilling red glow from the portal cast across the wall, a shadow of bleeding light, and a million curses scream through his mind. His stomach feels like it’s knotted in on itself and his lungs are burning for air, he’s moving faster than what seems physically possible and yet not nearly fast enough as he crashes down the stairs and bursts into the portal room, mouth opening to cry out-

Just in time to watch Tango vanish into the red light.

~*~

Somewhere in Hels, a player walks through a portal.

Tango’s heartbeat pounds in his ears. He’s already started shaking- if it weren’t for the wither effect flowing from his collar, he’s certain his blaze rods would be igniting right now. It’s a bizarre mix of emotions. The scent of ash and the sight of netherrack are comforting, in a way. Familiar. But it’s also terrifying, because there’s no mistaking where he is.

(There’s a reason he doesn’t like hanging out in the nether.)

Fear threatens to swallow him. He pushes it down; he’s got a job to do.

Forcing a steadying breath through his clenched teeth, he takes in his surroundings, ears pricked cautiously. He’s definitely not at spawn- he’s at the border of a basalt delta, actually, fine gray particles fluttering through the air. Aside from the portal behind him, there’s not a structure in sight. No sounds save for the distant bubbling of lava and the distinctive slap of magma cubes.

Tango frowns, chewing his lip. The portal was supposed to take him to Bravo, so he must be around here somewhere. Why he’s not at Hels Tek, Tango isn’t sure. Maybe they’re out on an errand run? Either way, he ought to start looking around.

But first, he’s got to break the portal so no one can follow him. Everything he’d packed made it through with him, thankfully, so he equips his pickaxe and turns back to the portal-

Just in time for Jimmy to emerge, running straight into him.

The collision knocks Tango to the ground, pickaxe flying from his hand, his forehead stinging where it smacked against Jimmy’s chin. Blinking spots from his eyes, he pushes himself up on his elbows with a groan. Once his vision stops spinning, he locks eyes with Jimmy, who seems just as shocked as he is.

Both of them shout at exactly the same moment.

“What are you doing here?!”

~*~

[arctrooper69]

As Iron Sharpens Iron

"As iron sharpens iron, so one person sharpens another." Proverbs 27:17

Beta-read by @dragonrider9905

Chapter 11:

Previous // Next

Warnings: Angst. Canon violence

--------------------------------------------------

Three days had passed since the argument with Hunter that sent you storming from the Marauder with anger blazing hot in your veins. Two days since you’d left the planet, intent on putting all your focus towards the job Cid had given you.

One day had turned your anger into a suffocating heaviness of guilt and grief. Now it was something else - it felt strange and unnatural - or maybe it was just nothingness. Whatever it was, you wished the anger would come back. Anger was tangible, it gave you something to hold onto. Anger had a conviction - a purpose. Whatever it was that you felt now, slipped numbly through your fingers, floating aimlessly and as silent as the vortex of hyperspace you currently traveled through.

They didn’t come for me.

---

You had waited around Cid’s for a full rotation - unsure what for.

Did you really think they’d come looking for you?

Did they even want to?

“Give it up, kid.” Cid advised as you’d found yourself glancing over at the door for the thousandth time, “Dark and Broody ain’t coming after ya.”

You looked at her sharply. How did she know?

Cid shrugged, “Don’t look at me like that, Hotshot. I’m not stupid, you know. I’ve seen the way you look at him.” She smirked, “It’s the same way he looks at you.”

You raised an eyebrow. “Oh yeah? Then tell me why he hasn’t come.”

Cid threw down her washrag, looking annoyed. “You’re the idiot who ran away. He’s smart enough not to bother a woman who’s mad at him.” She scoffed, “Or he’s stupid enough not to go after the woman he obviously cares about.”

That’s when the anger came back, flashing brightly like the flame of a candle exposed to the air just before it fizzled out again. “You’re wrong. He’s not here because he doesn’t care. None of them do.” Disappointment settled like a boot on your chest.

Cid let out a bored sigh. “Then quit moping around and do something! I’ve got plenty of jobs around here and no one to do them. Might as well get paid if you’re just going to be miserable anyway.”

You looked at her quizzically then groaned. “Alright… where do you need me to go?”

---

The ship shuttered as it dropped out of hyperspace, pulling you back to the present as you came into orbit around the moon Cid’s coordinates had directed you to. You chuckled bitterly.

Well joke’s on them. I don’t need them either.

---

“Omega, come on! We need to make a supply run in town,” Hunter called down the ramp as he slung his pack over his shoulder. He frowned as she made no move to get up, though he was certain she’d heard him. He set his pack down and walked over to her. She sat on the ramp, resting her arms and chin on her knees, as she looked blankly out at the empty road.

“Omega..” he sat down beside her.

“It’s been three days, Hunter. Where is she?” Her muffled voice broke his heart. She’d been crying and he had no words to comfort her.

There had only been two times in his life that Hunter found himself with no idea what to do.

The empty numbness that dug its relentless claws through his skull screamed at him in an overwhelming self-hatred after their first real mission failure which left Wrecker clinging to life.

Failure. Coward. Pathetic.

It was the same feeling now that spread through his bones. I should’ve run after her. Now it’s too late. Mission failure once again.

The gut-wrenching flood of emotion that came with being a parent and falling in love was more unyielding than any enemy he’d faced before. It’s the one thing they didn’t train us for. At least when an enemy combatant refused to cooperate, there were many ways to get what you wanted out of them. Hunter didn’t know how to react when it was his own thoughts that refused to comply.

“I don’t know, Omega.”

“She’s coming back though, right?” She looked up at him but he couldn’t bring himself to look her in the eyes.

He spun his vibroblade anxiously. “I hope so.”

“Wrecker went out looking for her, you know.”

Hunter straightened in surprise, turning to look at her. “He did what?”

Omega wiped her eyes on her sleeve and sat up. “Yeah. He left this morning. He said he was gonna find her and make everything better again.”

As if on cue, Wrecker came barreling down the road, skidding to a stop just shy of the ramp panting and out of breath. Hunter stood up as Omega dashed to his side.

“What is it, Wrecker? Did you find her!? Is she okay?!” Her eyes were wide and Hunter was glad to see some of the hopeful spark return. He just hoped that whatever news Wrecker brought wouldn’t snuff it out again.

Wrecker collapsed onto the ramp. “Phew… I’m never running like that again!”

“Well?” prompted Hunter, still nervously twiring the blade through his fingers.

“Huh? Oh yeah! I found out from some scumbag that Cid sent her on a mission. Said it was real dangerous.”

“What.” Hunter tensed. Suddenly that pitiful feeling of futility was gone, replaced by something he was all too familiar with. He slid the vibroblade back into its sheath with a deadly click, mouth set in a fierce line of determination.

“Did he say anything else?” Omega asked.

Wrecker laughed. “Yeah. When I hung him upside down from the roof, he cried.” He turned towards Hunter and his smile faded into a growl. “Hunter, he said it was a suicide mission. He said nobody gets outta there alive. That’s why I ran all the way here.”

Omega gasped, “Hunter we have to go after her! She might not know it’s a trap!”

Hunter had already strapped on his pack and secured his blaster.

“Tech, Echo! Start the ship.” He called out. “I’m gonna go have a little chat with Cid.”

Loosened by the adrenaline as he ran, a sudden moment of clarity fell upon him. He’d been thinking about this all wrong.

You were not a mission in which to succeed or fail. You were a part of him - the missing link in his short mess of a life - and he would do everything it took to get you back.

The door to Cid’s Parlour opened with a slam. Cid nearly dropped the glass she was cleaning as she looked up to see Hunter striding over to her, fire in his eyes. The only two patrons in the room fled, feeling the mood of the room sour almost immediately. Cid set the cup down in obvious annoyance. “Hey! You can’t just storm on in here, scaring away my customers like that! I’ve got bills to pay here.”

He didn’t seem to hear her as he pointed a sharp finger in her direction.

“Where is she?”

Cid smirked, deciding to play coy. This could get interesting, she thought as she dried her hands, making sure to look as unbothered as she possibly could.

“Where is who? You gotta be more specific.”

Hunter narrowed his eyes, “You know exactly who I’m talking about.”

She tapped a finger on her chin, pretending to think. “Hmm… I really don’t think I do.”

Hunter sighed, exasperated. “I don’t have time to play your games, Cid. Tell me where you sent her.”

Cid sighed, suddenly bored of whatever ruse she’d cooked up to mess with him. “Fine.”

Hunter clenched his teeth. “I need to know, Cid. Now.”

“Cool your jets, Dark and Broody.” Cid rolled her eyes. “Your girlfriend’s fine. She asked me for a job and I gave ‘er one.”

Hunter’s face darkened. “Where. Is. She.” His white knuckled fist slammed down on the counter. “I promise you I won’t be so nice if I have to ask you again.”

Cid raised her hands in a mocked surrender. “Look, I promised her that I wouldn’t tell any of you lot where she went. She obviously doesn’t want to talk to you.”

Hunter's hands shot across the bar, vibroblade suddenly poised in a violent threat at her throat. His voice was dangerously low. “She could be in real danger. Tell me where you sent her. Now.”

Cid gulped, backing into the wall, knocking a bottle onto the ground where it shattered. She glared then raised her hands in surrender. “Alright, alright fine! Put the knife down and I’ll tell you!”

Hunter lowered the knife. Cid nervously rubbed her throat. “Geez… I can see why she likes you so much. I sent her to a small moon in the Sullest system. Doesn’t even have a name. Hardly anybody goes there at all.”

Hunter glared daggers.

“Relax, Dark and Broody. She’s not in any danger. It’s just a simple snatch and grab. The mines over there are full of stuff worth a ton to the right people.”

Hunter narrowed his eyes. “Just give me the coordinates.”

Cid sighed, “Already done. Get outta here, lover boy.”

Hunter rolled his eyes as he turned to leave.

“Hey!” Cid’s voice called after him. “You owe me for that bottle. Corellian Whiskey is hard to come by these days!”

--------------------------------------------------

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[pedriache]

awkward!arda x awkward!reader and they’re just both so awkward that it makes them laugh and it’s just eeeeuuuuugggghhhhh TOOTH. ROT.

Heavy - Arda Güler.

Pairing: Arda Güler x Fem!Reader

Summary: After an awkward moment at the beach during a join family vacation with yours and Arda’s, you retreat back to your bedroom in embarrassment. But when someone knocks on your door, the last thing you expected to come out of it was a kiss.

Word count: 866

Disclaimer/s: cursing, kissing, nothing but fluff!

A/N: Based on ‘Heavy’ By The Marías !

Face hot and breathing ragged, you slam the door behind you. Memories of the events that happened only ten minutes prior plaguing your mind.

“No, no, it’s okay! I’m fine!” You rambled out, body still limp in his arms. You’d stumbled over your own two feet and face planted right onto the ground.

Arda, with his quick reflexes, he was already by your side, helping you up. “Are you okay?” He’d already asked you nearly four times by now.

Your face burned red as you’d started up at him, forgetting how close you two were. Faces inches apart, but you couldn’t take your eyes off of him.

“Sweetie, are you alright?!” Your mother gasped from somewhere behind you, causing you both to scramble upwards and apart from each other.

Clicking the lock on your door, you rub a hand over your face. What the hell. Scrambling toward the bed, you face plant onto the pillow, screaming into it.

Why were you such a loser?

Three gentle knocks on the door snapped you from your self hatred. “Leave me alone!” You yell out.

The voice that calls out your name from the other side of the door, has you even further on edge. “Can you just open, uhm, open the door.. please?”

You slowly but surely tug yourself off the bed, inching your way toward the door. Biting down on your inner cheek, you let out of a huff of breath, opening the door just wide enough for your face to fit between.

Arda stands there, hands in his pockets with a tight lipped smile. He’s rocking back and forth from his heels to his toes. “The.. whole? Door?”

Oh. Right.

Opening it wider, you clear your throat. “Right, sorry.”

It’s quiet. Awkward. It’s tense..

“Uhm..” Arda starts slowly, “just wanted to make sure you were okay.”

You give him your most reassuring face, although you know very well it came off as a grimace. “I’m completely fine, don’t worry! Thank’s, though!”

Another uncomfortable pause.

Then another.

“Do you want to go get ice cream?” Arda blurts out, cringing at the way he spoke.

You feel your cheeks burn brighter, “yes!” Too quick. That was too fast.

The teenager smiles, “okay! Do you want to go now, or..”

You make sure to wait a little bit before nodding, “yeah, just let me put on some shoes, uh.. You can come in..” Stepping aside, you give him the space to walk into the room.

Arda accepts, taking hesitant steps inside. He stands by the door after it’s shut, shuffling on his feet like he didn’t know what to do with himself.

Quickly slipping into your shoes, you grab your purse and make your way back over to him. “Ready.” He opens the door for you, letting you walk out first. Cute.

“I saw a cool parlor down the street, figured we could go there?” He was trying to make small talk, the slight waver in his voice showing just how nervous you made him.

You smile at the bricks on the ground, “sounds good to me.” You weren’t the only one nervous here, although neither of you could set your own awkwardness aside long enough to notice the others was just as prevalent.

The rest of the walk was quiet, but surprisingly sweet. Arda would point out a few cool shops, and you’d gasp at every stray animal you saw.

Finally arriving at the ice cream parlor, you ordered your flavors. You chose strawberry, he with vanilla. In a moment of amusement, you grin. “Wow, so you really are vanilla then?”

It was a dumb joke. A lame, boring, dad joke. But he laughs. His head tipping back and his eyes crinkling at the sides. Oh, you are so screwed.

“You know, i’m not as vanilla as you’d imagine.” He retorts as you two make your way back outside to the seating area.

Eyebrow quirked in curiosity, you hum. “Oh? Is that so? What, have you..” feigning a gasp, you clutch your hand over your heart, “drank? At your big age?”

Arda grins down at you, his eyes twinkling with humor. “A sip or two.”

The longer you spent with him, the more you both grew comfortable with each other. He got your humor, laughed at your stupid jokes, he was perfect.

“Oh you got a little..” Arda trails off, using his finger to wipe away a small smudge of pink on the side of your lips.

Breath hitched in your throat, you stare at him. He’s so close, his vanilla scented breath fanning your face. Arda swallows hard, his Adam’s apple bobbing in his throat.

He whispers your name, soft and sweet, just like him. “Can I—“ His eyes flicker to your lips, then back to you.

“Yes!” You squeak out, nodding your head.

Without needing to say another word, his lips are on yours. They are smooth, gentle against your own. You almost forget to breathe as your eyes flutter shut.

Only pulling away when you realize you needed air, you find that he’s smiling. You’d never seen that smile before. You know for certain then, you’ll never love someone the way you will love him.

DTS , @halfwayhearted & @zanxi

And remember, if you ever want tagged in specific or all things I publish, lmk! ^_^

[arsonlookers]

Broken Marriage

childe x reader ANGST [modern au]

[ warning: A LOT OF SWEARING PLEASE BE REMINDED AND TALK OF INFIDELITY ]

You two have been in a healthy and romantic relationship for over 6 years, you're marriage looked perfect from an outsider's even your parent's perspective. Childe was blunt and sarcastic and cold sometimes but he was loving and sweet at times, and you can tell he truly cares.

Over time for one year and a half, you noticed that Childe had slowly been growing colder and driving away from you. He seemed extremely uncomfortable when he walked in the room and he'd always make excuses for staying out late. He didn't love you the same anymore for this past year.

He comes home late as he usually does and goes to his little office room where he always usually stays

"Childe?" You called out to your husband from the other room. "Are you okay?" You were met with silence and for a moment you thought he didn't hear you. He finally spoke over the sound of his computer.

"Yeah, I'm fine." He replied but his tone was obviously irritated.

look at his door room totally not convinced, you already know what is going on you just want confirmation on why the hell is he acting like this this time.

so You enter his little office room and look over at him. He was leaning back on his chair, looking at his screen and typing away. You couldn't read his expression but you had a feeling something was wrong. again

You walked over and gently touched his arm. "I know you're not okay. Please talk to me."

"There's nothing to talk about, babe."

He didn't tear his eyes from his screen, his voice was quiet but you could hear the coldness in it. The last time he called you "babe" was a month ago.

SO full and irritated by this kind of behavior he has with you. You are so done now, you are done being PATIENT with him, and all his tantrums.

You coldly say to him "Did you really think" You glare at him

This time He finally looked away from his Screen and turned towards you. His face was cold and serious, the exact opposite of his old loving self. He seemed to be holding back a lot of words.

you continued "I'd just forgive and forget...no" This time you are ready to spill the secret he has been holding onto you

The look on his face remained unchanged. After a short pause he let out a sigh, like he was preparing for a speech.

"Look, I don't know how to be any clearer, but I've just been feeling different lately. I don't feel the same about you anymore."

" After all this course of a year, After catching you with her that day, Your blood should run cold" You continued

Childe's look went from cold to pure hatred as the words "her" left your lips. He gripped the sides of the chair, his knuckles slowly turning white.

"Her?" He repeated and you could see his lip twitch.

"Oh don't you dare pretend now Childe" You glared hard with range but still keeps your calm cold tone as you said that

"so cold" Looking down at him from where you are standing "You,…you two-timing, cheap lying, wannabe"

Childe's hands gripped even tighter and he slowly stood up from his seat. This wasn't the man you knew, this was a stranger.

*"You're nothing but a dirty whore who can't keep her legs closed." His voice was low but it was clear how much anger he had stored inside.

feeling offended and hurt by what he said you Slap him hard on his right cheek for what he said.

He flinched and his face immediately turned red to match his mood. His eyes narrowed and he glared up at you with hatred. He rubbed his cheek and stepped forward, he seemed like a different person now. You didn't know how far he'd go but you had a gut feeling he'd do something worse if you provoked him further.

'but I am not scared of him at all' You thought as you stood your stand and face him with your own coldness and glare "You're a fool if you thought that I'd just let this go"

Childe was clearly annoyed by your lack of fear. He let out a short scoff and grabbed your arms.

"You won't let this go? Is that a threat? Because I'm warning you right now, you don't want to see what I'm like when I'm angry."

"Oh Childe I think you already are " you glared at him "You have been like this…you have changed…" mocking him "You not the same person I married 6 years ago"

Childe's face scrunched up from your mocking. He leaned closer to you, so that his face was inches from yours.

"You're right, I'm not the same person I was 6 years ago. You're not even the same person. This marriage has gone nowhere but downhill for the past year and I don't think it's going to go anywhere. We both deserve to find someone that's right for us and that person isn't each other."

feeling like something inside you boils from his statement "God you’re just so obvious, Is that why you Already CHEATED on me huh?" questioning him with a tone of mocking

Childe let out a low growl, his grip on your arms tightened.

"Why can't you just keep your whore mouth shut? It's not my fault you aren't good enough for me, it's not my damn fault for liking her more than you. If you just tried to be better instead of playing the victim all the time…"

something inside you was breaking but at the same time too cold and indifferent from what you are feeling currently just anger and disappointment coursing through your veins

"Do you really think I needed it? Your fcking opinion means nothing to me" with venom through your words

Childe's face was filled with pure anger, he was shaking now and you could see the veins in his neck starting to bulge. He was completely losing control.

"Then why the hell did you even marry me in the first place?! Why would you let me waste 6 years of my life on you if you don't even care about what I think?"

You look at him dumbfounded as if you are hearing to the most stupidest things you have heard of

"That is because I didn't marry a cheater before Childe!? Just why did you change?! what did you see in her that I don't have?? "

Childe looked down at you with a frown. The anger on his face seemed to fade a bit, like he was beginning to pity you now.

"I didn't change I just realized things about you. I realized that I married the wrong person. You're weak and insecure and it's honestly pathetic. And if you want to know what I saw in her, she's everything you're not."

This time you can feel the little love you have left for him is starting to fade and break away from what you are feeling changed by hatred, shock, sadness, anger, and all negative emotions you feel in the course of your life

"…..wow" in a sarcastic tone "Really wow" The look of disbelief was evident on your face

As he sees your reaction he didn't like it one bit so he said it again

"Do you want me to say it again for you? If your dumbass didn't get it the first time."

Childe's voice was dripping with sarcasm but he wasn't lying. He was beginning to think you were even more pathetic than he first thought.

"Did you happen to forget, all the little details Like texting her In the middle of the night?Beside me!? Did you really think I'm that DUmb HUh?! HAHAHAHAHA fck Childe I didn't know I also just married a person who literary would be so fcking idiot " You backfired him back

"The texting during the middle of the night wasn't even the worst of it. I really didn't think you were that blind, but if that's the case, how did you not realize I've been seeing her more often than you. Your dumbass didn't even realize I didn't come home some nights because I was with her."

You could feel his hatred coming back into his voice again and his anger was starting to get to him.

'wow the audacity to get angry at me' You thought but at the same time what he said sounded so ridiculous and so outright sound like a joke to your ears

"pffftttt haha" you tried to surpass the need to laugh at the moment

"I should have guessed you wouldn't be able to handle the truth. I mean are we surprised? You can't even handle the fact that you're not good enough for me anymore."

He leaned closer to you again, his face being mere inches away from yours. The look in his eyes was scary, it almost seemed like he was going to hurt you if you said one more thing.

"HHAHAHAHAHHAHA you think I'm that surprised anymore?! What are you an idiot? you would think that "I" didn't know that my fcking husband is fcking another girl behind my back DIDNT know?! oh, let me tell you Childe" Pointing at his chest

"I fcking knew from the start I fcking knew all your business trips are just trips In her house to just fck her, and pretend you're both married, Don't even get me started with your list and list of hotels receipts just to fck her there you horny little shit!?"

Childe was now completely losing it. His grip on your shoulders was now so hard that his nails were digging in your skin. His breath was shallow and you could feel the heat emitting from his rage. The look in his eyes has completely changed, he was pure anger now.

"You knew? You knew all along and you still stayed? You are a bigger idiot than I thought. Is that why you weren't able to satisfy me? Because she was doing it better than you?" he mocked looking down at you with range in his eyes

But all you can feel is the need to let him know about what you truly feel at this moment. feeling a little sting inside your heart for hearing him say that but also feels your whole being, being able to let it all out.

"maybe?! Maybe LOVING THE FCK OUT OF YOU IS MY IDIOTCY . That's my fault you little shit. MY FAULT FOR EVEN STANDING UP TO YOU FOR ALL THE DRAMA THE PAIN THE TORTURE YOU HAVE FCKING GIVEN ME ALL THIS TIME!? YOU ASK ME WHY I STAY? AND SAY I'M AN IDIOT FOR IT??? HAHAHAHAHA SORRY FOR BEING AN IDIOT WHO LOVES HER FCKING CHEATING HUSBAND BECAUSE SHE CANTS JUST LET GO TO HER BELOVED AJAX?! you fcking shit " pinches his arms so hard that you are sure to leave a nail mark on it to make him let go of your arm

Childe lets out a roar of rage, his grip on your shoulders is still strong but he's starting to lose his strength since he can't keep on holding you back. All of the years of being patient with you have lead up to this moment now and he was finally snapping. He yells the next words with anger and hatred.

"Beloved?! You call being cheated on for the past year "love"? Love? You've got to be kidding me! You're just as dumb as I thought you were. I am so glad I'm getting a divorce!"

hearing this made you blow up and just doesn't care anymore so you reply with "OH YEAH?! THEN FINE I'M DONE?! YOU FCKING WHORE OF A SHIT AND A HORNY FCKING PIECE OF GARBAGE GO TO YOUR TRASH CAN WILL YOU MAYBE "SHE" CAN HANDLE YOU YOU PIECE OF UNRECYCLABLE TRASH?!" slaps him again* "Get YOUR FCKING HANDS OFF ME!?"

Childe's face went from anger to shock and pain as the second slap landed. His grip on you tightened again, his fingers tightening around your shoulders, his nails piercing your skin. Your words seemed to sting him but the pain just made him angrier.

"Shut your whore mouth, you stupid c*nt."

Hearing it you just can't stop talking back at him "OH YEAH!? ARE YOU TALKING TO YOURSELF?! Congrats!! YOU KNOW YOURSELF THAT MUCH!?" you sarcastically replied

Childe's body clenched and he grunted as the insult hit him. He didn't say anything but the fact that it hurt him was clear. Without warning, his grip let go of your shoulders and he pushed you away with such force that you fell backwards onto the floor. His eyes looked at you with nothing but hatred now.

So you stand up by yourself from the cold floor "bastard till the end" Cold glare as you contact his eyes with yours.

Childe stood there for just a moment, looking down at you. He was about to leave the room but he paused, as if he had something more to say.

"You're right; I am a bastard all the way through. I don't like you. Hell, I never even loved you in the first place. The only reason I married you at all is because I felt sorry for you."

Something inside you is now...empty after hearing what he said to you. feeling stabbed inside… again and again inside your pitiful full of holes and broken heart

"is that so… then let me tell you Tartaglia I only married you because I did loved you and I meant the Ajax that I married not the cunt like you .. So let me remind you clear EVEN if you married me because of pity I dont fcking care"

"Oh really? You don't care if your husband married you out of pity because you're as pathetic as they come?"

Childe took a step forward, getting closer to you again.

"I knew you were stupid, but I didn't think you were that stupid. Who the hell would love you if I didn't? You're not loveable."

with range blinding your vision third slap came from your right hand in a flash of the eye harder this time "Leave already you FCKING CUNT?! "

Childe flinches again, this time showing more of his pain. He seemed to be more in his feelings than he was before. He looks away and scoffs, he could've just left but he stays, as if he can't seem to walk away.

"Fine, I'm leaving. But before I do, I'm going to give you one last piece of advice: Don't be so fcking annoying. Maybe then someone might love you."

You look at him leaving the door

"then some advice from me is. Don't be such a fcking horny cunt who can't be satisfied by one woman. then maybe the only possible woman to love you truly and won't leave you for the rest of your lifetime." Slammed the door hard in front of his face

Childe's face scrunched up in anger as your words hit him once again. He wanted to say more, he wanted to get the last word in but, at the same time, he was ready for this to be over. He slammed his fists against the door loudly before finally walking away.

THE END[?]

Well, looks like this marriage is definitely over. The two of you seem to be going your separate ways now and it looks like there's no hope of reconciliation. Although the two of you have made harsh remarks at each other, it's clear that there is still a bit of underlying feelings.

You would be stuck with these memories of being cheated on and emotionally abused for years to come. The pain from all the events leading up to the end won't be easily forgotten for you, but that also isn't something that will stay with you forever you convince yourself. That, you will find someone better and have a healthier relationship, just like you wanted from your relationship with Childe.

Overall, it's safe to say that there are a few lessons to be learned from this story: don't stay in a relationship out of pity, and don't cheat on your partner!

If you want a Happy ending it's in the Comment section

A/n: Hi Ars here! I just wanted to say that I don't really know if this is counted as angst??? I mean that was pretty intense I tell you. Well, I don't really know for now since exams are over I think I will slowly start to work on my other drafts as well but at the same time take a break from the stress life has gifted Given to me. I feel like being sucked by mosquitos after answering problems 😢

P.s : hidden easter egg : search for the references :>

Anyway, help me decide if I should continue or no? Thank you Have a great day ahead of you!!!

©2024arsonlookers: do not steal, translate, repost my fics and do not recommend my fics onto any other site.

[cutestbow]

Summary: y/n has to tell Jack the truth, (based off of the song futile devices)

Notes: I’m finally back!!, also very unedited so please excuse any mistakes!!

Warnings: self hatred, guilt, basically leading someone on. And that should be it if not let me know!!!

It’s been a long long time since I’ve memorized your face.

Laughter echoed throughout the dimly lit apartment i had been in for the last 4 hours, i had told myself id go home twenty minutes ago but that never ends well when im with my friends

“So y/n? hows jack going?” my friend asked, the question gaining attention from the others as if they had been wondering also.

“Oh it’s going well, he’s a really good guy.” I shrugged smiling at the thought of the brown haired boy.

“Thats it? You’re not going to give us any special details about him?” She groaned to my vague response.

“Yeah, like he doesn’t have a beauty mark on his left cheek-“ another one had chimed in

“No, his upper right lip!” I blurted out embarrassingly fast.

All chatter had stopped in that moment, the only noise being the tv that had been faintly playing in the background.

My face burned red from my sudden comment, if my friend no cited she hadn’t said anything about, she just smirked and took a drink from the glass that had been sitting in front of her.

“Well at least Christian’s out of the picture.” She stated once more before diving into conversation with one of the girls sat at the table.

I nodded but it didn’t feel right almost as if it weren’t genuine.

It’s been four hours now since I’ve wandered through your place.

Jack had left his apartment hours ago but i still remained after hours of him begging i stay and just watch the game from his house, so that’s where i had been left at now

Walking through the halls of his somewhat clean apartment, for someone who lives by themselves he really did try to keep some type of theme going.

I laughed at a photo he had kept near his bed of him and his brother when they were younger, it was a photo of when they lived in Canada the setting being somewhere snowy and the three brothers looking confused and unready for the photo.

I sat the photo back down and looked over at the clock that had also been on the side of his bed, i sighed walking out of the room and back to the couch to watch the puck drop.

And when i sleep on your couch i feel very safe, and when you bring the blankets, I cover up my face.

It was normal for me and jack to have our annual movie nights on friday, and work had kicked my butt the following week and I hadn’t planned on going this Friday but i knew jack had been looking forwards to it stating that he found a new movie that we might like so I couldn’t decline.

We had been laying on the couch, my head on his shoulder and eyes slowing opening and closing once and a while, i quickly snapped out of that stare once the arms that had once been wrapped around me were gone.

“Where are you going?” I asked as jack got up from his spot on the couch.

He didnt reply and disappeared into his bedroom, i had went to get up before he reappeared again, this time with a large comforter.

I sighed with embarrassment and guilt, “Jack im fine.” I said

“No you’re not, you’ve had a busy week. If you were tired, you could have stayed home.” He responded, eyebrows furrowed in worry.

He layed me back into the couch carefully wrapping the computer around my tired body.

The droopy state from before slowly coming back

I shouldn’t be doing this.

I shouldn’t be doing this.

I let out one last sigh before I closed my eyes.

And i would say i love you but saying it out loud is hard. So I won’t say it at all.

It had been a beautiful day, and usually on days like these Jack would tend to drag me out of my apartment to go on a picnic.

I carefully set a blanket down over the patch of grass we thought would be perfect spot to settle, I watched as he set the basket down and very carefully pulled each container of fruit and crackers out.

Jack had always been easy to talk too I never had to filter myself around him, but I didn’t deserve a person like him.

I watched him as layed propped up on one shoulder talking about anything and everything, slowly biting into my cherry. I paused for a moment before rubbing the bitten cherry against his cheek leaving a pink stain.

I laughed at his reaction going to wipe it away before quickly getting pulled down and the previous cherry being rubbed on my face now

I laughed attempting to push him away but it was no use he was stronger.

“Now we’re even.” He spoke, smiling down at me.

we stared at each other for moments, three words I died to say lingered at the tip of my tongue but I just couldn’t. I couldn’t do that to him.

And I won’t stay very long,

Tears rolled down my face as I found myself in-front of a door I’ve been faced with for months now, my heart banging against my chest.

I waited for a moment before the door swung open to a half awake Jack, his eyebrows furrowed in worry at my distressed state.

“y/n, what’s wrong?” He asked softly pulling me into his apartment, I pulled away slowly.

“I’m sorry jack” I cried lowering my head

“You’re so good to me, but I just can’t seem to-“ I sobbed uncontrollably, unsure if he could even understand me.

“I know.” He responded softly. My head shot up realization and guilt washing over me.

He knew the entire time, but why?, the question repeating over and over in my head.

“I’m so sorry jack” I cried, the sobs becoming more violent as he pulled me into an embrace.

“It’s not your fault,” he shook his head

“I just can’t see how I’m supposed to love if I can’t love myself.” I spoke once my cries softened.

“I want to love you,” I said pulling away, watching as tears threatened to spill from his eyes

“But I just can’t” I finished, attempting to wipe the spilling tears away.

He nodded in agreement giving me an understanding smile

“It’s ok” he reassured me as if I wasn’t breaking his heart.

“I understand if you’re mad or annoyed with me I don’t know why I’m like this” I spoke lowly, the lump in my throat making my words shaky.

Jack embraced me once more, this time hushing me

“If you knew why did you stay, why did waste your time if you knew you’d get hurt in the end.” i questioned

He sighed, “because the thought of not having you at all hurt to much.”

But you are the life I needed all along.

I smiled as me and a group of my friends stumbled into a bar we had been dying to go to for the past month.

the smell of alcohol and burnt out cigarettes washing over me in a second.

I watched as a few of the members separated going there own ways, leaving me a one ther girl.

We had decided to settle at the little bar ordering two beers for night.

I grabbed the cup swiftly taking a sip before setting it back down onto the table. I skimmed over the bar watching as people danced and played pool.

My heart immediately skipped a beat once I was met with a familiar pair of blue eyes that had been staring at me from across the bar.

I hadn’t seen or spoken to Jack in a year. Or really since that one night in his apartment. I would say we ended on good terms.

My face burned red as he waved at me with a soft smile.

I waved back, nervously smiling. I watched as he began to mouth something.

“You look beautiful.” he mouthed slowly

“I feel beautiful.” I excitedly mouthed back.

He laughed at my response from across the bar.

“Good.” he nodded.

[l-in-the-light]

The most embarrassing series of posts about Lawlu you will ever read: edition Whole Cake Island (part 12)

Lawlu in Whole Cake Island? There is none! Actually... do we really need Law to be present to analyze it, come to think of it? Luffy is really all we need; to watch his behaviour, things he says, his determination, to guess how Law's influence would show and how partying ways with him (even if temporarily) would impact Luffy.

This is the Alice in Wonderland Arc of One Piece, which means Luffy's main struggle will be to face himself, his own weakness, fears, and maybe even his own self-hatred. Which is why this time it won't be the usual scrutinizing analysis of frame by frame, but instead I will take a deep-dive into Luffy's mind. Are you ready? :D

Luffy starts Whole Cake Island arc in a rush. Because why wouldn't he feel in a rush? There's a wedding to stop! There's a chance they won't make it in time, after all. But... seeing how Zou ended, there's probably one more reason why Luffy is so irritated and wants to get things done as fast as possible... there will be someone waiting for him in Wano, alongside the rest of Luffy's own crew. Luffy could tolerate being seperated from his own crew for two years, but this two weeks trip to Whole Cake Island seems like a torture to him. What changed exactly between timeskip and now? Oh, right, Law got added into the picture ;)

"See? She didn't have any problem with my yeeting!" and I wish he could add "Law also had no trouble after I yeeted us in Dressrosa, you should be more hardboiled like him!", because I swear, this feels like the thing he actually means. And he is right, Law hated being yeeted, but he dealed with it just fine in the end, keeping his clear mind and sense of direction intact.

And then, out of nowhere, Luffy gains an interest in cooking. Luffy, of all people! The very same Luffy who thought a musician is more essential on the crew than a cook!

He even compares Nami's nutritional knowledge to a doctor instead of a cook. For Luffy, a cook is just someone who makes your food look and taste extra great, but it's not neccessary for a kid who grew up in a jungle eating everything the way it comes or simply by roasting it over a fire. So why is he suddenly so interested in cooking?? Is he missing Sanji that much? Is he trying to make his crew miss Sanji so the reunion is more emotional? Good guesses, but they have one flaw: they don't take Luffy's personality enough into account.

Back in East Blue, Luffy agreed to recruit a cook before a musician only because his crew wanted one and also because he's a freaking glutton.

"You guys are really rude, I made this food for you!" now that doesn't fit with Luffy's personality of "I want to eat all the meat". Suddenly, it's for them, hm?

Then he tries his own "kitchen sink curry", spits it out, shouts that's it's inedible and flips the table! Why so mad? Oh yeah, because as we learn soon after, he tried cooking multiple times and it's still something that can't be eaten. He tried so many times that he wasted a stock of food they had that was supposed to last them for a week, for all of them! And it's all gone in one day.

Luffy's frustration is understandable then, because this is what he considers to be "his best attempt". As we learn from SBS, Luffy's best dish is just a bowl of meat (in other words: pieces of meat put in a bowl lol), which means he would not prepare "curry" or any sort of exquisite dish for himself. He indeed did this dish with others in mind. He would be more likely to just roast whatever he caught and shove it towards them, asking "you want some?", if it was only about him.

Despite his constant failures, he's still not getting discouraged and wants to learn how to cook edible things for people to enjoy. Nami though stops him and tells him "to never go into the kitchen again", ouch. They have been starving for days as the result of Luffy's "cooking attempts" and Luffy almost lost his life as the result (eating poisonous skin of a fish they finally caught), so her reaction is understandable. But this should make us realize that Luffy, thanks to this whole (mis)adventure, understands Sanji better without even realizing it. After all, Sanji was also told to "never cook again" by his father.

But I think this adventure has one more meaning. Whole Cake Island is basically a tale about the good and bad sides of food industry, but also how food creates connections between people. And I think XxXholic covered the latter part better than I could ever put in words, so forgive me for the unexpected crossover here. You don't need to know XxXholic, its plot or characters to be able to follow the quotes, they also don't spoil anything from the plot, so don't worry. We're just following one of the many, many side characters there.

First of all, if you want to repay a debt or show your gratitude, the best way is to offer food and good drink. And the best way to do it, is to offer stuff you cooked yourself, because they require your own time and effort, and include your feelings (of gratitude and love) for the person you cooked it for. If someone does you a favour, it's a good idea to say "thanks" by preparing a dish they like, for example.

"I would like to cook with you and then eat it together. And then I would really like to know more about you. And for you to learn about me, as well" says the protagonist to one of his clients. Cooking together is a big thing because it creates an equal, mutual bond: you get to know me, I get to know you, and we can both try to become better at cooking together, but also better people for each other as well. Because by cooking we learn more about what the other person likes and dislikes, but also about their personality: their usual way of problem solving, about their patience, flexibility, stubborness, ability to learn etc. Your prefered way of cooking can also reflect your personality this way and you try to offer your best through a dish you put a lot of effort to make, for someone to enjoy.

You can learn a lot about yourself as well through cooking. If you compare your own cooking to someone else's, you can realize your own personality traits you wished you would have never noticed (for example impatience, like Luffy flipping the table in anger: even Nami called him out on it, Sanji would not approve of that action!). You might also realize that someone preparing food for you did it with lots of feelings, of kindness and love, and that's why that food tastes good. And if in comparison your own food is terrible, bland, without flavour or personality, it just shows you don't really share your own love with the world through the act of cooking. In Luffy's case up there, his food was so terrible (though definitely full of his personality lol) despite him putting in his best effort and feelings. How did it make him feel about himself? Perhaps like he has nothing good to offer to people he loves? But his final reaction is always this: try to be better and do better!

Luffy offering his failed attempts to his crew serves the same purpose: he's offering them what he has, even if the result is disgusting. But this is the kind of person Luffy is at the moment and he has nothing better to offer!

The sidestory in XxXholic has a happy ending, the struggle continues on and the woman's significant other supports her efforts and says they will wait for as long as it takes. Now, what does that have to do with One Piece? The reason this woman couldn't cook something that would taste good wasn't because she's clumsy, or didn't put any effort in or lacked knowledge (she actually studied cooking like it's an university subject, it clearly mattered a lot to her!).

What she lacked in the end was love, not for others, but for herself. She hated herself so much that she believed anything she would do would turn out bad (which is exactly what happened over and over), almost like she was subconsciously self-sabotaging her own efforts. And since she didn't have love for herself she had nothing to give to others either, despite caring for them and being so grateful to people who loved her the way she is, imperfect, disbelieving in her own worth, broken. She just didn't feel like she has anything to offer to all the great people around her.

Sounds familiar?

"What can you do?" Arlong asks Luffy. "You can't do anything, you're a disgrace as a captain". And Luffy proceeds to say he has great people who support him (which means he does not think of himself as great, he knows he lacks in so many ways), but there is one, just one thing he can do for them back: it's to beat up people like Arlong.

And yet despite that, in Whole Cake Island, Luffy attempts to do what he literally can't do: to cook. He knows he can't do it, but he tries it anyway, knowing very well what the end result will be. It's not that he lost his mind. We mustn't forget why he's doing a stealthy mission on WCI. It's exactly because he can't do what he usually does: beat up Big Mom. He promised he won't do it. But what *can* he do then? It's his struggle to become better and get out of his comfort zone, and he starts that from attempting cooking. It won't be the first or last time that he will fight against himself in this arc, even denying things he had the most confidence in. This is the arc in which Luffy loses the sight of what he can and can't do, and needs to come up with a new answer or rediscover the one he already had all along. This is Luffy in a crisis.

Now is that related to Luffy being seperated from Law and dealing badly with it? Or Luffy realizing how much he knows Law has faith in him and he wants to live up to it? Because like we established before, Luffy is doing this stealthy attempt only for the sake of his alliance with Law, he would not bother usually and would just destroy Big Mom because she's in his way. I can only imagine Luffy's inner struggle when he tries to come up with a new solution here but can't get any, nothing works out if he just can't beat up the bad guy and move on. Luffy's later refusal to eat anything that isn't Sanji's cooking, not even the syrup rain, must reflect how Luffy feels about himself in this moment: he feels pathetic and useless and he must hate himself for it.

There's one more angle to it. Luffy suspiciously wants to cook as fast as they're seperated from Law. He thinks nutritional knowledge is something a doctor does and he's impressed with it. Law is a doctor. It's not a stretch to think that Luffy wants to learn something new to impress his favourite person upon return. It's highly likely he wants to cook for Law as well (and he's using his crew for taste-testing for now), because he has feelings of love and gratitude he wants to convey to him, but he doesn't know how to do it. But Luffy always had Sanji who used his cooking exactly for that: to show his feelings of love for people (and was very vocal about it!). Luffy is just trying to do the same, but he realized he can't do it no matter what. By the end of the arc he comes back to terms with himself and finds the old truth again: he will leave the cooking to Sanji and rely on his crew. He can try to be a better person in other ways, but he will keep on searching for a way to show love and gratitude to them.

And we will not talk about Luffy suddenly remembering people smooch each other and talking about it in context of Sanji's wedding, uhum. If that's on his mind all of a sudden when it wasn't even once for last 80 volumes, then you can guess why it suddenly would be. People who love and care for each other smooch, so maybe he was considering... things...

Another odd thing Luffy does, which is to check on the map and comments, frowning "it's weird". He has a point, because we learn later it was a deliberate trap. But he's paying attention here because he tries to be useful and does things he usually wouldn't be doing. Just like with cooking.

Same here. It's probably the first moment in which Luffy realizes that having a longterm plan would be actually a good thing. Yeah, Luffy of all people. That's because he must be thinking "if it was Law, he would definitely have one". I feel like other people were pointing it out to Luffy before, but it's the first time he actually shows that he kinda cares and isn't answering with "I'm just here for the adventure. And become a king of the pirates, no plans included!".

Look here. This is Luffy in a crisis. "I have to get back and I'll destroy everything in my way if I have to!" Not only he's not supposed to destroy everything or beat up Big Mom, which he points out a moment later, but Luffy is clear here, he made his decision: if he can't go back, he will simply get rid of everything on his way. Getting back is the most important thing, everything else be damned.

Except... are we really talking about Sanji here? Get back where, Luffy? To Wano perhaps, where your crew and Law will be waiting?

"I'm not going to die in a place like this!!", "I made him a promise, but it's not here!!". I'm just saying, this applies both to Sanji and the promise Luffy made "to meet up in Wano". And if he wants to get back no matter what, it's because he knows he can't die here, he can't force a certain someone to go through a big loss again. He would rather tear off his arms than not return at all and break his promise.

And we get Sanji with his "I didn't tell you to wait..." and Luffy just laughs in reply. This particular laugh he used only once before, btw, and I don't recall anywhere else:

When he was telling Zoro how much he's worrying about Sanji. Because why wouldn't Luffy know that Zoro and Sanji are the most important people for each other? Zoro is his best friend and his first crewmate, Luffy just knows what's in his heart, the same way that Zoro probably knows who is so important for Luffy as well.

Do you still think Luffy-Sanji scene was *only* about Luffy and Sanji? That the whole promise talk was only about Sanji? And not two particular people waiting for both of them in Wano? It was always about both reasons.

Luffy says he can't be the king of the pirates without Sanji. And demands that Sanji says how he really feels (which is "to go back on Sunny" ❤). Imagine if Luffy said both of those lines to Usopp in Water 7. Maybe a lot of the conflict could have been avoided. Especially if Luffy would also follow his very own advice, because he was not saying his true feelings in the quarrel with Usopp. What changed since Water 7 in Luffy? A lot, actually. Ace, timeskip, Dressrosa, Law... All those things are huge milestones in Luffy's development. But there's also the promise he made. He promised Zoro his crew to bring Sanji back. And that promise also changed everything.

WCI is also the first arc in which Luffy says he is ready to drop everything, even his own dream, and go save whoever needs to be saved for his crew's sake. It's very ironic how in this scene he also needs to struggle against himself, this time with his enormous hunger, that seems to sabotage his ironclad determination. For once Luffy doesn't do things for food and that despite the whole arc being exactly about food. That's how serious he is.

Now we have to talk about the alliance with Bege. Here is Luffy's initial reaction: "what an awful person", "Bege is gonna get it!". He does not like Bege at all, he also wants to punch him for what Bege did to Pekoms. In other words, Luffy doesn't think Bege is a good person, at all.

But just a moment later, when Jimbei tells him "you should work together with Bege", Luffy changes his mind immediately. He's all up for this alliance. His crew, that has been with Luffy the longest (Nami and Sanji) can't believe their ears. What an interesting change, isn't it? Like I argued at the beginning of this post, Luffy has to do things differently this time instead of doing what he usually does. The problem is, he's not good at anything else than "beating the main bad guy". That's why in this case he's determined to do something he would usually never do. And forgive me for the callback again to XxXholic, because I can't resist:

Luffy has the same idea as the protagonist here. "This is all I can do", and "if this person was with me, they would be able to find a better way". In other words, Luffy agreed to this alliance because he thinks this is something Law would do as well. Luffy is constantly wondering in Whole Cake Island how Law would handle the situation and he knows he can't come even close to his level, but at least he will try to follow in his footsteps.

Of course Luffy wants at first to punch Bege for Pekoms. He's still trying to make this alliance a friendship, and if he hits Bege then they will be even, so they can try becoming friends. That's basically the idea.

But he doesn't get to do that and in the end, Luffy agrees to alliance based on "common goal" or "allignment of interest". He did not become friends with Bege in the process and didn't make things even between them. This proves Luffy knows what an alliance is and it's not friendship. I wouldn't say this means Luffy finally learned what an actual alliance is (though it's tempting, ngl). I would rather say he always knew that, but he chose to make it a point that whatever he has with Law, is friendship firstmost, alliance second.

And here is Luffy listening to Bege's plan. He's trying, okay. Not his fault he's constantly getting distracted, sidetracked and overfocused on making a silly entrance party trick (jumping out of the wedding cake). Bege is just not Law, and Luffy's tiktok's level span of attention is struggling here, heh. Also please notice Luffy's unusual focus on the smooching lol.

Oh, so that's Luffy's idea for the wedding surprise. He just wanted to do ninja's shadow clonining trick, definitely inspired by Raizou's show in Zou.

Coincidentally, that's the technique that was Law's request and made Law so damn impressed. Yeah, this is for sure a coincidence, that Luffy chose to do it like that, even though he didn't really have to have multiple copies of himself here to make it work. I bet he just thought "if Law would be here, that would impress him, I'm sure!" and I bet he's looking forward to telling him all about this adventure later on and seeing his face.

But it was essenstial for his plan to create chaos! He didn't do it just for fun! Are you sure? Because it was Brook who hid himself in the midst and did the deed with Mother Carmel's photo frame, and Luffy did not tell him to do this. Luffy simply wanted to be cool, okay, he didn't think that far ahead. He was supposed to cause chaos, he delivered.

And in his fight with Katakuri, Luffy is the one who has to have faith. Law had his faith moment in Dressrosa, now it's Luffy's turn.

Luffy found his answer about what he can do and how to become a better person for someone. It's to master his observation haki. Which, coincidentally, is Law's forte.

Luffy's curious, very strict words to Jimbei. "Don't let even death stop you, we'll be waiting in Wano!" It's basically Luffy's own promise he made before leaving Zou, just said in more deadly serious manner. That's because his experience in Whole Cake Island made him realize it himself: he will go back to Wano and not even death can stop him from achieving that. Because he promised that to Law people.

I'm sure for Law this would be indeed the most important thing, not to lose anyone ever again, especially Luffy who he (miraculously) managed to save all the way back in Marineford. I don't know how Luffy knows this or if he knows at all about Law's deepest fear, but he's determined not to die on him, that's for sure.

This is also the first big seperation for Luffy and Law. Luffy deals with it, treating everything like an adventure to tell Law later so it feels like Law is there with him even though he's not. But also treats it like a challenge, to become a better and stronger person so he won't disappoint him.

Still convinced there was no Lawlu in WCI? Oh well, if that's the case then all I can say is: I tried my best :D

If anyone wants to read all the parts of this series without going to my masterpost, then just click "love is a hurricane" tag :3

[iamnmbr3]

(First and foremost, pls write a canon-drarry guide so i don't have to ask your opinion every time lolllll)

Maybe you talked about it but What'd you think of Draco's feelings for Harry in 6th (esp when it comes to Harry being reason for his father's imprisonment) and 7th year each and did it change or he always felt that way? You think whatever his feelings were (esp in 7th yr) were one sided (at that time) and Harry's just sort of caring and pitying him cuz he understands him and draco's miserable and there's not much on Harry's side? (It's so many ppl's theory btw)

IMO Draco had some deep feelings - idk whether i can call it love specifically or not but there was some attachment and trust and care for Harry. Even before 7th year not genuine hatred to cause him real harm at all yk....

Hahaha well that's lowkey what this blog is turning into (and I do have a drarry in canon tag). But also I love receiving asks. Neither you nor anyone else should ever feel hesitant to send me questions. It's fun hearing ya'll's thoughts.

As to your question, I think JKR wrote a 7 book drarry epic by mistake. Right from day 1 they were orbiting each other. I definitely think by 6th year Draco has some (probably repressed and unacknowledged) feelings for Harry. Those feelings are of course complicated by the fact that he and Harry are now on opposite sides of the war, Harry is virulently opposed to the ideals Draco and Draco's side stand for, he and Harry have never gotten along, and now Harry is kinda responsible for getting Draco's dad thrown in prison (and for the task of Dumbledore falling on Draco). So yeah there's definitely resentment there.

Some people have argued that Draco's attack on Harry is a way to keep him safe and send him away from Hogwarts. Personally I don't buy it. Draco is scared and angry and upset about the situation he and his family find themselves in and he takes it out on Harry in an act of vengeance. However, although what he does to Harry is violent and cruel, it's really minor given that Draco is a Death Eater. Can you imagine if Harry was left alone and helpless at the mercy of any other Death Eater? Yeah. It would not end well. Draco doesn't take things very far, waits till his Slytherin buddies are gone to make sure he is in control of the situation and things don't escalate (even though this means being left without backup and potentially getting hurt by Harry instead), and never even thinks of trying to kill Harry or turn him over to Voldemort to be killed.

(I also headcanon that while he boasted about breaking Harry's nose, inside he found that it didn't feel nearly as good as he thought it would, and indeed he feels a bit sick with himself though he ignores it. But that's an aside).

I think those merciful impulses are partly due to Draco being much more averse to violence than his family would like him to be, but also due to the complicated feelings he has about Harry. He doesn't really want to hurt him and he certainly doesn't want to see him dead. Even after the Sectumsempra incident, it is Pansy and not Draco who vilifies Harry. Draco doesn't seem to blame Harry - probably partly because he already consumed by self hatred and perhaps guilt over having tried to use an Unforgivable on Harry, and partly because he and Harry can never truly bring themselves to hate each other. Also when Harry pursued Draco and Snape after the Astronomy Tower sequence (well, really he's chasing Snape but it certainly looks like he's going after all of them) Draco makes no move to hurt him.

The next time they see each other is at the Manor in book 7. Despite the fact that last time they interacted was the Sectumsempra incident Draco doesn't hesitate to risk everything to shield Harry and his friends - even though he intimately knows the consequences of Voldemort's wrath and that he is condemning himself and his family to horrific torture at the best and quite possibly death. He doesn't identify Harry or even Harry's friends. He buys them time. He doesn't report when he sees Harry and Ron have taken their bonds off. He barely puts up a fight when Harry takes his wand. And his wand feels friendly in Harry's hand. I think all that is evidence of not just feelings but strong ones at that. What he did was an act of love.

And again in the fiendfyre sequence he completely loses control at the idea that Harry could be hurt and actually tries to intervene to save him. (Full breakdown of that sequence here).

Similarly I think Harry has more than simple pity for Draco. He's also kinda been fixated on Draco since book 1. By book 6 we get stuff like Harry getting distracted by the sight of Draco changing, getting annoyed when a girl pays attention to Draco, ceasing his investigation into Draco just because it put him at risk, lying to protect Draco from blame after the Astronomy Tower sequence, and worrying about him afterwards. And then in book 7 we get more worrying about Draco, Harry not trying to attack or speak to Draco when he comes into the cell at the Manor, Harry learning to block out Voldemort when the alternative is watching Draco get tortured - potentially to death, Harry dropping everything to rescue Draco specifically from the Fiendfyre (x), and much more. So yeah. Not one sided.

I think by book 7 Draco is in love with Harry, and by late in the book he may not even be able to fully deny it to himself. I think they both had feelings for each other - which were very complicated and contradictory and difficult for them given the circumstances, but definitely mutual and not unrequited. It doesn't mean they'd immediately be besties or fall into each other's arms during 8th year. But there's definitely a mutual attraction going on.

[thehypnone]

Symbol on the Surface Chapter 17

WC: 1,2k

Relationship: SwissAlps

Tags: Transmasc Swiss, Pregnancy, Insecurity, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, Fluff, Cunnilingus, Lactation Kink, Actual Lactation, Nipple Sucking, mild) Mommy Kink, Praise Kink

“Something’s–uh…my boobs.” “What’s–oh. Oh.”

Notes: Tysm to @jimothybarnes for being the best beta ever!

Chapter 1 here or on AO3.

Read chapter 17 under the cut or on AO3.

Yet again Swiss gets caught staring at himself in the mirror with a frown on his face by his mate.

Yet again Mountain comes up to him from behind and wraps his arms around him, kisses behind his ear and mumbles how perfect he is.

Yet again Swiss melts into his warmth and soft words; even if he can’t really believe them.

Mountain understands—he knows something rooted so deeply can’t be pulled out so easily. Still, that doesn’t mean he will stop; quite the opposite.

He’s no poet, but he does not hesitate to voice exactly what’s on his mind as he kneels before Swiss and kisses the stretch marks that are now covering most of the multi ghoul’s stomach.

“They’re like lightning…or roots,” Mountain whispers, “they symbolize nothing but your devotion to your kits, even though they’re not even born yet. And me. You gave your body to give them life, my darling. There’s nothing ugly about these marks.”

Swiss tears up—of course he does—and nods. He accepts his mate’s feelings and even if the shadow of self hatred still lingers, it does make him feel better; he knows Mountain means it.

“Come to bed,” the earth ghoul asks and Swiss nods again. Mountain leads him away from the mirror and into their nest and lets the pregnant ghoul lay against him once they’re there.

Mountain is gently rubbing circles over Swiss’ bump with his calloused fingers, going up, and down, and to one side, and to the other; trailing after the stretch marks that he so loves. Swiss sighs against his neck with all the feelings that are bubbling inside him—the exhaustion, excitement, sadness, and happiness.

After a little while the earth ghoul slides down the bed. He straddles Swiss’ legs—leaving him slightly confused—and leans in to be eye level with the bump and then…he starts talking.

“Hello, little demons. It’s your papa here.”

“What are you doing?” Swiss asks, giggling.

“Conversing with our children,” Mountain replies as if it’s nothing unusual. It wouldn’t be, if not for the fact that said children are still in the multi ghoul’s womb.

“Ah. Go on then.” The earth ghoul does indeed turn back to his stomach—their kits.

“We can’t wait to meet you, you know? But you’ve been giving your mama hell lately, haven’t you?” Mountain tuts. “And he’s been taking such good care of you!”

“Don’t scold our kits before they’re even born,” Swiss laughs.

“I’m not! I’d never.” His mate smiles at him innocently and goes back to his conversation. It’s more of a monologue, of course, but he seems to be enjoying it all the same; and it makes Swiss smile, too, so that’s a plus.

After a couple of minutes, Mountain looks back up at the other, “While I’m down here…would you like me to help you relax a little?”

“If you want, yeah…but you don’t hav–”

“I want to.” Mountain interrupts him and turns to the bump once again. “Now you gotta look away, ‘cause I’m gonna have some fun with your mama.”

“That’s a very strange thing to say to our unborn kits,” Swiss chuckles, rolling his eyes. The earth ghoul wiggles his eyebrows at him and slides his underwear right down his thighs.

And then, having gotten clear consent already, Mountain dives right in. He licks and sucks and moans against the multi ghoul’s cunt as if it’s him who’s getting this glorious head.

Swiss can’t even see his actual head from behind his stomach—only the tips of his horns—as he eats his pussy like a man starved. In a way he is; he hasn’t had a chance to taste it in a while.

The multi ghoul is enjoying it profusely as well. He puts his hands onto his chest to roll his extremely sensitive nipples between his fingers, and it feels so good…but then something weird starts happening.

“Mountain…” Swiss says, but is left with no reply. “Mountain. Mountain!”

“Hmph?” the earth ghoul resurfaces, with his pupils blown and the lower half of his face covered in slick. He looks entirely blissful.

“Something’s–uh…my boobs,” his mate mumbles; his face as red as a tomato.

“What’s–oh. Oh.”

Mountain’s jaw drops when he notices Swiss’ predicament. Both his hands that have been playing with his tits are wet and there’s two trails of a white liquid going down his chest.

“I was wondering when that was gonna happen,” the earth ghoul rumbles, rising up on his arms to hover over his mate. “May I?”

Swiss nods. “Wondering or awaiting?”

“Both…” Mountain whispers before leaning down and taking one of the multi ghoul’s tits into his mouth. He licks up the milk that’s spilled from him already before focusing on his nipple and gently sucking.

Moans rip out of both of them as more milk flows.

“Oh, fuck, that’s–” Swiss pants, “that feels good.”

“It’s so sweet,” the earth ghoul moans, drooling down his mate’s chest as his hands are gripping the sheets for dear life. “And warm…”

“I–oh, I think that’s a new kink going on the list,” the other chuckles through a groan, “for both of us.

“Hmpf–no doubt.”

“Leave some for the kits, you pervert,” despite the circumstances, Swiss scoffs.

“No promises, actually,” Mountain grumbles, and returns to sucking his mate dry. He circles and flicks Swiss’ nipple with his tongue, quite literally milking him and gulping it down. The multi ghoul keeps playing with his other tit with his hand, spilling milk down his side and onto the bed.

He’s moaning like a whore as he does—and Mountain is no better—but then he remembers something.

“Good boy,” he breathes out, “making mommy feel so good.”

The earth ghoul’s entire form visibly shakes at that and Swiss smirks. It takes him a couple of seconds to regain some brains, but when he does he changes his position slightly; he places his knee against his mate’s cunt and his mouth on his other boob.

Swiss moans loudly above Mountain as he tilts his pelvis as much as he can to get the angle just right. The hand not pawing at his own boob flies up to grab hold of one of his mate’s horns, fingers rubbing against the sensitive base.

“Mmmhrrrrpphhhrrr,” Mountain lets out a guttural moan, tongue vibrating against the leaking nipple in his mouth. It’s enough to make Swiss come with a muffled shout, completely soaking the other’s sweatpants. Some milk squirts out from his tits, too, and that, in turn, makes the earth ghoul cream his pants like a teenager.

“Lucifer, I love you so much.” The multi ghoul breathes heavily. Mountain replies only with a low purr, still glues to his mate’s chest.

Taglist: @arkeusruin @skele-bunny @everybodyshusband @ratsummer @jazz-bazz @mac-and-thefox @karmicbias @wine-irytatus @ghoultrifle (if anyone from here wants to be removed lmk, and also if anyone else wants to be added)

[wabatle]

synopsis: your husband shows you why you should get up this morning. warnings: mentions of depression, mentions of self-hatred, and mentions of suicidal thoughts if you squint. divider by @/saradika

“I don't feel like getting up this morning.” You softly told your husband.

Eren was taken aback. “What do you mean? You have to get up. I need you.”

“I'm sorry, baby.” You replied. “But I'm tired and I feel like there's no point in getting up. Like there's no reason to get out of bed.”

“…Oh.” Eren replied softly. “Okay, sure.” He quickly left the room.

You rolled onto your back, now staring at the ceiling. Why am I like this? You thought to yourself. I probably made him upset, and now he probably feels like he did something wrong to me…

You sighed. I hate myself. I hate that I'm like this.

You continued to think for a while, until the bedroom door opened again.

“Rise and shine, baby!” Eren said, pulling you out of bed.

“H–huh?”

“I made you breakfast. Get dressed and come eat!”

With that, Eren left the room. So… I guess he's okay? You thought, beginning to get ready. I wonder what he made.

When you came into the kitchen, there was a plate of pancakes on the table, specifically shaped into a heart.

You sighed, trying to push back the tears. “Thank you, baby.”

“Now, once you finish, get your shoes on.”

“Why?”

“Because I planned a fun day today to prove to you that it's worth it to get out of bed.”

You smiled softly, swallowing a bit of the pancake. “You're too good to me.”

“It's only because I love you. I hate to see you like that.” He picked up your empty plate and put it in the sink.

You put your shoes on.

“Ready?” He asked, offering his hand.

“Yeah.” You replied, taking his hand.

A few minutes later, you arrived at an aquarium.

“You said that you wanted to go to an aquarium a few days ago, right?” Eren smiled gently at you.

“U–uh, yeah…I'm surprised you remembered.”

He kept holding your hand as he pulled you inside, watching you look around in awe at the fish.

After the aquarium, he took you to a library, where you looked around for random books you felt like reading. While you were wandering around, Eren was looking for books on depression and how to help someone with it.

After that, you went to a cat café, where Eren bought you a beverage of your choice and you both played with the cats.

Next, he took you to an amusement park, where you two rode the scariest roller coasters together and quite possibly even got close to throwing up after.

Lastly, he took you to a park. Just a park with a playset and a set of swings.

He sat down on a swing and motioned for you to sit down next to him.

The night air was cold, yet you still felt oddly warm.

“How are you doing now, darling?” He asked you.

Your heart picked up a little. “I feel much better now, thank you.” You paused.

“Eren, thank you so, so much for today. It really helped. It made me so happy. I love you.”

Eren smiled. “I love you too, (name).”

Eren then picked up the pace on the swing, going as high as he could possibly go. “Try to keep up, (name)!”

Seeing this as a competition, you also tried to go as high as possible.

Once you both were tired, Eren pulled you into a hug.

“When I say I love you, I really mean it. Hearing you say that there was no point in getting out of bed— I couldn't take it. I wanted you to be able to see all the stuff you would miss out on if you didn't get out of bed.”

You smiled softly into his shoulder. “I think I realized something today.”

Eren pulled back to look at you. “Hm?”

“You're my reason to get out of bed.”

Eren couldn't help but smile. “Really?”

You nodded. “Yeah.”

He started laughing. “No way!” He spit out between laughs. “That's funny, ‘cause…”

“You're my reason to get out of bed too.”

[satosugusandwich]

𝔏𝔢𝔱 𝔐𝔢 𝔖𝔢𝔢 𝔜𝔬𝔲’𝔯𝔢 𝔐𝔢𝔞𝔫…

True Form!Sukuna x Fem!Afab!Reader (This is an AU!!! Sukuna is not a homicidal maniac cannibalistic murderer! I think he’s sexy and my morals say no dick from crazy murderer BUT dick from crazy 😍)

Cw: once again mentions of violence from first chapter, self hatred, self-sabotage, sukuna is introspective, but he’s still an asshole, mentions of a sex room (context is necessary to understand lmao)

Description: You've been friends with Yuji Itadori for some time now and have seen the best, the worst, and the strange in all your years of knowing him. You've never thought he was one to have any crazy secrets and well... you were wrong. And now the demon bound to Yuji is bound to you too! How fun! Good thing that you aren't stupid and won't fall for a being that by no means should you have ever interacted with! Right? Right...?

*Yuji is aged up but there will be no sexual stuff with him except maybe like a brief mention but yeah*

Also I mentioned this on Ao3 but this work in inspired by “Teeth” by Lady Gaga (also monster by her is so Sukuna coded)

@dressycobra7

Chapter 2 Here!!!!!

Chapter 3: To Hate One’s Self

You were able to sleep way harder than you anticipated. You suspected that the trauma from the whole ordeal would make you unable to sleep at all but there was something comforting about having Yuji with you and even though you didn’t want to admit it, having a demon bound to you was actually pretty fucking reassuring. When you woke up, you immediately decided that you have no desire to even think about going to class let alone actually go. All you wanted to do was lay in bed and rot a little bit. (Only temporarily, Yuji hoped). Yuji offered to go get breakfast for you two and promised he’d be as fast as possible, so you were left alone with Sukuna in your living room while you scrolled through YouTube videos online.

It didn’t take long for your peaceful scrolling to be interrupted by swearing coming from the living room and then an “aha!” You were curious but also scared to know what exactly Sukuna was doing. You decided to remain there until you heard a loud thud. You didn’t bother to fix your hair or your clothes when you peeked out of the door to peer at Sukuna. He had picked up your recliner and moved it across the room, seemingly had thrown it.

“Do you intend to watch me?” He turned his head toward you and rose to his feet from the floor. You realized what he was doing now, eyeballing the tv remote in his hands.

“Uh, no, just—I was wondering where that was.” You stammered. “I checked under there but—“

“It was lodged in the inside of it. I had to shake it around to get it out.” Sukuna interjected.

“Are you gonna… put it back?” You can’t believe you just asked a scary super intense monster demon thing to move your chair back.

He seemed amused but unsurprised by your question. “It was in the way.” His body was fully turned to you now and you couldn’t help but watch his stomach mouth smirk at you.

You opened your mouth to speak but were far too distracted by how one pair of arms crossed themselves while the others sat on his hips like a disappointed mother. “But that doesn’t answer my question.” You finally spoke.

“If you tell that brat to bring me extra food, I’ll move whatever you like.” He grinned.

Food? Okay. Interesting motivation but relatable you thought to yourself. “Yeah, sure.” You opened up your phone and called Yuji, telling him Sukuna wants extra.

“Man, he already eats comical amounts of food… I’m gonna go bankrupt.” Yuji mumbled over the line.

Sukuna had already moved the recliner back to its original spot and was sat, turning on the television after inspecting the remote closely.

Yuji continued. “I think I’ll get barbecue since I can get a whole lot for really cheap. He gets extra needy after he follows a more crazy command. Are you feeling okay?”

You nod, still watching Sukuna. “Yeah. And bbq is fine. I’ll send you my order.”

After hanging up, you walked back into your room and then into the bathroom to fix yourself. You didn’t want to look in the mirror and when you did, you realized you really were right. Your eyes were dark and your skin was so much paler. On top of that, you could see that bruises formed overnight on areas where the men had gripped you extra hard, and not to mention the dryness of your skin, having neglected drinking anything since you came home. Really, you feel ashamed for what you’ve done, you fucked up your life by sucking some shitheads dick and have given your best friend unnecessary stress. You were miserable. Maybe all you should do is rot.

“Hey brat! Teach me how to navigate your technology!” Sukuna called to you snapping you out of your ideation.

A nasty scowl was on his face and his stomach mouth was certainly not smiling anymore. You looked to your tv and realized it was on the wrong input and he was clicking buttons frustratedly, trying to get it off the error screen. You recall that you were playing video games last time you were out in the living room and you must’ve forgot to switch it back.

“Here, press this button.” You clicked the blue input button and it changed to the regular settings. “What are you trying to watch?”

Sukuna scoffed. “I can find what I want myself, I’ve seen the brat do it enough.” He snatched the remote back from you and slowly started to scroll to Netflix and then clicking on the app. It’s fascinating watching him, it’s like watching an old person use a phone.

“Okay.” You waited a moment before deciding to walk to the kitchen, trying to hide the fact that you were curious to see what he’d try to watch.

Sukuna assumed you wanted to watch him, he was tempted to find something that would make you react in an amused way. He didn’t exactly know what, but was determined to get a reaction out of you. He settled on an interesting title, How to Build A Sex Room. Perfect. “Hm.” Sukuna mumbled. “Humans still fuck like rabbits.”

You didn’t know what to say. But what made it worse for you? You had already started watching that show in the past. So it started in the middle of an episode.

“The hell? This doesn’t seem to be right, it’s in the middle of the show.” Then his head was suddenly facing you. “Someone must’ve been watching it.”

You were blushing and even though his face was completely indifferent, you could see his stomach mouth smirking again. “Maybe.” Is all you said. Let’s pray the demon that you just met doesn’t realize that you’re a freak and that he doesn’t understand technology at all.

Sukuna found the restart button fast. Yeah, he knows enough. Damn Yuji for being such a movie nerd! And damn Yuji for having a demon that watches him!

“Hey, I got a a question.” You tried to deflect from your embarrassment.

Sukuna remained fixated on the screen. “I suppose I’ll indulge.”

“Do you have to be around me or Yuji? Or can you roam free?”

Sukuna pursed his lips. “Regrettably, I’m stuck with both of you. If I could roam completely free, I wouldn’t be anywhere near here.” He answered honestly, seemingly unconcerned with how you feel toward his answer.

“How far can you go?”

“That’s already two I’ve answered.”

“Sorry.”

He let out a huff of air. “I’m only teasing. The distance depends, there’s no specification. Sometimes it depends on the security of the master. Presently, you don’t feel very safe so I can’t go far. I could’ve gone with the brat and maintained better distance, but I hate being stuffed into his vehicle.”

That makes sense, he was practically in a million different positions trying to remain comfortable in your friend’s car, thinking about the way he was having to sit made you realize it was a lot funnier than you remember. The recliner he was situated in was almost the perfect size to hug his body. You were sure he’s grateful to not have to follow Yuji anymore, but then again, he can’t get that far away from you either.

“Sorry you can’t leave.” You said.

Sukuna didn’t respond and instead focused on the screen. You attempted to shuffle away now, finding yourself to feel very awkward.

“Hey, brat.” Right as you got to your door he spoke. “You went to sleep with that man, right? I’ve heard you speak about your outings with the other brat and I find it pitiful you choose such sad men.”

Oh shit, you can feel that same tightness in your throat coming again as well as embarrassment flood your senses. You didn’t answer him.

“In my era, a woman like you would’ve been thrown to the masses, celebrated. I never had any interest in women like that but the men that did were ones who could not stand on their own. Taking cock from a man like that will ruin you.”

His words took you aback, not just because of his brazen use of the work cock, but also what felt to you like harsh advice. You sucked down the urge to cry and asked him, “why are you telling me this?”

Sukuna pondered over what he should answer with. “I don’t like watching misery.”

You entered your room and shut the door, unsure if he was being compassionate or shaming you. Either way, the words still hurt. Sukuna himself wondered if he should’ve said that, he doesn’t exactly care for you or anything and neither has he cared for anyone in a very long time, maybe it was an inkling of the past coming through. It was true, he can’t stand watching misery, watching someone wallow in it reminded him far too much of his own upbringing and the sense of being rejected. He had to make his way to the top, to earn the title of Sukuna. He’s long forgotten his name, cursed it to the back of his mind, a part of him he doesn’t desire to remember.

Soon after, Yuji arrived with all of your food and left Sukuna with his family sized meal before entering and seeing you bundled up burrito style on your bed. He could see the redness of your face and immediately knew you were crying again or was. He didn’t acknowledge it, choosing to try and keep you in a good mood by talking about the experience at the restaurant. Luckily, because of his stupid attitude, you were laughing pretty quickly.

Then he popped a question out. “What is Sukuna watching?”

You snorted. “How to build a sex room.”

His eyes widened and his nick stretched forward. “Huh?”

You were laughing a lot harder now. “Don’t ask me, he likes what he likes. You got a freak bound to your family lineage.”

Yuji slumped down onto your floor dramatically. “Man, he’s already a handful now, I can’t imagine how much worse he’s going to get with you now.”

A yell came through the door. “I can hear you!” Yuji straightened fast and you couldn’t help but laugh even harder. He’s such an idiot.

Sukuna wasn’t too amused, hearing Yuji so openly trash talk him and very loudly. Your laughter didn’t make it any better and he found it to be out of place after what you went through. He also doesn’t appreciate being called a freak. At least you’re attempting to move on, Sukuna could applaud you for trying.

“If I hear anything else, you’ll regret it, brat!”

“Whatever!” Yuji yelled back before quieting his voice. “He’s all talk, he can’t do anything to us. Unless we tell him to. Also, he tends to say things in a really abrasive way. He didn’t say anything to you, did he?”

You told him what he said and Yuji’s face shifted back into shock. “The last part was kinda funny. Who says cock so casually?” You laughed, cupping your hand around your mouth to try and keep quiet.

“Yeah, he’s a fucking weirdo.” Yuji was too loud.

“ITADORI!” He shouted and soon enough your bedroom door was wide open. “You sure have a lot to say after I saved your friend so kindly, your ass as well, and even stayed behind to protect her. Not a single thank you.” The demon feigned offense. “Shouldn’t you be groveling and worshipping me for doing such a feat for you?”

You could tell he was mostly joking and trying to irritate Yuji, but you really did realize you needed to thank him. You can’t believe you forgot.

“Hey, listen! You are weird, you’re from like a thousand years ago and are watching a freaky-deaky show! You also have bbq sauce on your stomach mouth! You have a literal mouth on your stomach!” Yuji stood up fast but Sukuna’s towering frame made him look like a child yelling at their father.

Sukuna was grinning down at him. “Hah. Your mouth is running exceptionally fast, might I tell her about that time you got so drunk you pissed on your own floor?”

You rolled back on the bed laughing and Yuji was beat red. “You—you saw that!?”

Sukuna wiped his mouth, briefly glancing over to you. “It was entertaining, how could I not watch?”

You put your hand on Yuji’s shoulder. “It’s okay, it happens to the best of us.”

Sukuna scoffed. “Your kindness is misplaced.”

Hearing his words, you were brought back to your thoughts and managed to make yourself stop snickering. You almost forgot again! Rising up from the bed, you stepped between the two men, confusing both of them, then you bowed your head in front of Sukuna.

His grin faded and his expression turned sober. “What’s this?”

“Thank you for saving me.” You remain bowed. “I’m sorry for not answering your question earlier, as well.”

The demon looked at your head hanging before turning around and saying, “Your apologies are unnecessary, but I will take the gratitude.” He closed your door and you lifted your head, turning back to Yuji.

“Whoa, that’s unusual.” He said. “Sukuna is usually a lot more arrogant than that. You must’ve shaken him up or something.”

You stood there for a moment, pondering Yuji’s words. It was strange, he’s someone who seems to think highly of himself but just blew off your apology like it was nothing. Especially since he was framing what he did as a favor, you expected to see more of a jovial reaction or even a degrading one. He doesn’t seem to be heartless, just a little out of touch, so his reaction does make some sort of sense. Regardless, you don’t know him all that well so perhaps something is off about your newfound bonded demon.

Sukuna sunk back into the chair and continued watching the show, or really what he was doing was watching the images while his brain ran. After watching you from the side from time to time, he determined your naive and self-sabotaging habits to be a bore and overall sad, but now that he’s interacted with you, he almost feels guilty for having seen you in such a negative light. To be so grateful to him when he expressed saving you as a favor, as an obligation, shocked him. Should you not be screeching insults and your disdain at him? Are you that much of a self-hating creature? Did he even view saving you as a favor? He didn’t know, he hasn’t felt pulled to anyone since the Heian era or connected at all in that matter. He wondered, would he have saved you if Yuji had not commanded him to? Is he a creature still capable of compassion and empathy after experiencing all that he has?

[ivyblossom]

That thing where I feel like I'm going to have to write fanfiction again

This is a weird one. I just want to say it somewhere, so that I've said it somewhere, but I realize there's there's one person who actually cares about this and she already knows, so. This is just for me, I guess.

Fifteen years ago, I wrote most of a Narnia fic. It pairs of Edmund Pevensie and Bacchus, aka Dionysus, the ancient Greek god of grapes, wine and uninhibited ecstasy. Also theatre. I know, that's a bit weird. Is Bacchus even in the Narnia stories? (Yes, he is. He even has lines!) Why on earth am I pairing him up with Edmund, who is 10 when we first meet him?

It's all the weird memory tricks, I'm a sucker for those. The Pevensies forget about England because they stay so long in Narnia and stop thinking about England, and they can (and do) forget about Narnia if they stay in England too long and don't think about Narnia enough (poor Susan), and I find that really interesting. It offers up so many nooks and crannies to stick story in. They grow up and become adults in Narnia, but are required to forget most of it in order to return to build children in England.

And come on: is Bacchus not also very obviously the god of Narnian orgies? I mean, yes. Clearly. He's also Aslan's default caterer and water-into-wine head tech. If you need buildings destroyed and bullies turned into trees and/or pigs, Bacchus is your guy. He's not big on wearing clothes, and according to Edmund, he's incredibly beautiful and extremely dangerous. Edmund is only 10 when we first meet him, sure, but he grows up, reverse ages, and then starts to grow up again. Bacchus throws them a G-rated orgy in Prince Caspian. There's love there.

Hasn't Edmund suffered enough? Yes, he got addicted to the Turkish Delight that time, but he'd been struggling and was being bullied, he was carrying a lot of self-hatred and shame, give a kid a break. He did get himself heroically killed putting it right, only to be healed physically and psychologically by Santa Claus's magic healing cordial, as one does. Doesn't Edmund deserve a cute immortal boyfriend with quirky friends and a serious green thumb who grows his own grapes, makes his own wine, can manipulate and control the desires of everyone around him like conducting an orchestra, and who will love him until the end of time? There aren't many humans in Narnia, why not hook up with the god of uninhibited ecstasy? I mean, he's right there.

Anyway. It was fifteen years ago.

I wrote 3/4ths of it, I had one part left to go to finish it, I had an idea about what how it would end, but for some reason I never wrote the ending. I don't remember why. So it's been sitting there unfinished since 2009.

And in the last few weeks I started thinking about it again. I had an idea about that ending. I couldn't remember if this idea I was toying with was my original concluding idea or not, it's been that long, but I liked the idea, and I thought, you know, I should write that idea in as the last part and finally finish that thing.

And then I read what I'd written. And a) 15 years is a long time and I have so many criticisms, I was clearly in love with the sound of my own voice (uh...nothing's changed there I guess?), b) I wrote the thing in such a way to exclude my new idea, so apparently that wasn't my original plan, but c) yeah, I should have written this thing properly the first time around. And now I have 104 more ideas and I love them all, so.

I think I have to rewrite it. Or, I suppose, just write another one and replace it? I dunno. Just playing it out now.

I think I'm going to write it. Is this an active fandom? I don't think so. I don't care. This love story needs to be told. Edmund deserves this.

[companionjones]

Your Thoughts

Pairing: Edward Cullen x Reader

Fandom: Twilight

Warnings: Anxiety, self-hatred, one curse word

*******

    He first heard them off in the distance. Then, they got louder, and louder, and louder. He finally realized who all the thoughts were coming from as you entered the room.

    Sadly, you immediately walked right in front of a fan. Edward had to physically hold himself back from attacking you as soon as he could smell you. Your blood was like his own personal brand of heroine.

    Aaannd Edward had to spend an entire class with you sitting next to him. He thought that after hundreds of years he was finally going to snap and lose everything.

    What made things worse, was that he could read your mind. All you could think was that you badly reeked and everyone could smell you. Your thoughts only got worse from there.

    By the end of the class, Edward needed to get out of there, but he couldn’t without telling you, “It’s not your fault,” before leaving.

    Edward tried to get out of Biology. When he couldn’t, he was gone for about a week, trying to get his shit together.

    Although you were no longer around him, Edward couldn’t get your thoughts out of his head. He felt horrible that he made you feel like that. Changing your thoughts was the only reason he went back to school.

    When Biology rolled around, Edward headed for the seats in which you and he had been sitting, only to find that you could not have been sitting farther from them.

    Along with your overwhelming scent, Edward heard all of your thoughts again, and they were just as dark and lonely as before. Edward fought past his vampire instincts and sat next you you again. He offered a light smile in your direction.

    Your thoughts responded accordingly. If Edward had to put one word to them, it would’ve been confusion.

    He tried to levee your thoughts with conversation. “Hello.” He cursed himself for sounding so rehearsed. “I’m sorry for not introducing myself last week...I’m Edward Cullen.”

    “I’m Y/n L/n,” you introduced.

    You were scared of him, that much was obvious from your thoughts. But you weren’t scared of Edward in the way he expected. You were scared of him like you were scared of everyone, and you wondered why he, why anyone, would talk to you.

    Edward hoped those thoughts would leave you as he talked to you longer.

    “Do you like the weather here?” He decided that was a normal enough question to ask.

    Perhaps it was too normal of a question, because you thought it a bit odd that he had asked. You replied anyway, “Yeah, I do. It has been raining a lot, though. I miss the sun.” You hoped you hadn’t talked for too long.

    Edward wished you hadn’t thought that. He couldn’t remember ever reading a mind that had as much anxiety as yours did. He wanted so badly to lighten up your mind that he found himself agreeing with you about the sun. It wasn’t untrue. Edward did miss the sun, just maybe a little less now because seeing it would mean he wouldn’t be able to see inside your mind for the day.

    You and Edward talked for the rest of the class. He asked you many questions: How long you had been in town, what was the farthest you’d been from home, etc. He just couldn’t get enough of you or your mind. He had also succeeded in getting your mind to stop thinking such terrible things about yourself. Well, he did, at least until the bell rung.

    Thoughts started flooding your head about how you didn’t want him to go because this was the best interaction you could remember having.

    Who was Edward to deprive you of that?

    He knew he shouldn’t have, but he kept talking to you. When the bell rang and you both had to go to your next class, Edward exchanged phone numbers with you so you could text during class. The two of you did so for the rest of the day.

    “You should really let me drive you home today. It’s still raining.” Edward texted after the final bell.

    You texted back, “I couldn’t ask you to do that.”

    “You’re not asking, I’m offering. Let me drive you home,” he said as he approached you from behind.

    Edward had just made you smile for the first time. He felt his long-dead heart flutter. Edward also felt the eyes of his siblings on him. He knew they had heard what he had just said because everyone’s thoughts were heavily cautioning him to just leave you.

    Everyone’s thoughts except Alice’s. “Just go. It’ll be fun.”

    Maybe it was because she was thinking very clearly, or maybe it was because Edward wanted to hear that the most, but either way, Alice’s thoughts came through louder than the rest of his siblings. It was what convinced him to get into his car with you.

    And so, Edward drove you home that day. He also drove you to and from school the next day, and the next day, and every day for the rest of that week.

    When Friday rolled around, you got into Edward’s car with questions rolling around inside your head.

    “Why are you being so nice to me, Edward?”

    He shrugged. “Because I think you’re kind, and amusing, and beautiful--”

    A few things.

    One, surprisingly, Edward didn’t often think of the words coming out of his own mouth because he was often so occupied by other people’s thoughts inside his head. That was why he had admitted that he thought you were beautiful.

    Two, you had been thinking that question so loud and so repetitively that Edward didn’t hear any of your other thoughts as you got into his car.

    Three, you thought of something else so quickly before acting that Edward didn’t have time to react accordingly.

    But Edward has super speed. Shouldn’t he be able to react fast no matter what? Well, not with what you had in store for him. With what you thought, Edward needed at least a second to think before reacting.

    You had kissed Edward.

    Yes, he needed that one second to process what was happening. Edward also needed another second to get his body to react.

    He pulled away from you and got out of the car. Edward tried his best to get your scent out of his system.

    You got out of the car too. “I am so, so sorry. I think--I guess I misread the messages and assumed--I’m so sorry.” You started walking in the school’s direction.

    Your thoughts were a mess. Never had Edward heard as much self-hatred that wasn’t aimed at himself.

    He used his vampire speed to catch up to you before you turned around. “Y/n.”

    When you faced him, you briefly wondered how he had gotten to you so fast. But, just as you had done with Edward, he didn’t give you time to think.

    He placed both hands on either side of your face (avoiding your pulse) and leaned toward you.

    Truthfully, Edward was leaning in a little slow in fear of his blood lust, but then he heard your thoughts.

    “He’s going to kiss me! Yes!”

    That made Edward fully smile before he pressed his lips to yours.

    The kiss lasted about seven seconds.

    When you separated, you commented, “This is insane.”

    “Sweetheart,” he smiled, “You have no idea.”

*******

Author’s Note: Thank you so much for reading! Fill up that heart and reblog if you liked it. I would also really appreciate a comment, if you have the time, if you would like to read more, check out my masterlist over on my page. Have a nice day, night, or whatever time it is for you! <3 <3 <3