#// in my love myself era i love everything i put out because i know there was some sort of love and care put behind everything i do

[m0e-ru]

me making gsaslau squeezing out a five minute stageplay clip into a pot like the main ingredient  it's all about bestieship. and love. and learning to be human and accepting oneself in every aspect and being there for others because they'll be there for you even if you won't be there for yourself vs me treating it like an established piece of media to be consumed and thought deeply about .evil voice they can make each other WORSE

[theoccultz]

How will your future spouse pursue you ?

Ok you guys the series is finally here

All of my pacs are queer friendly

Since not everyone wants to get married , you could read for your s/o as well

Pics and dividers not mine , credits to their rightful owners @/saradika

Apologies for any mistakes

Let me know which pile you picked and don't be afraid to express your thoughts (:

Pile l . Pile ll. Pile lll.

🫀 Pile l.

For this series if you have any topic suggestion let me know I'll include it

>>> | Queen of swords , 4of wands , 5 of cups |

This person is gonna be competitive for your attention , they dont fall in love easily and when they do its ride or die , they are your typical bad boy stereotype that you see in the movies , they are someone who knows they are the best in the room this person's self esteem & self concept is amazing, their confidence speak for itself, they are someone who has seen a lot of things in life and their way of getting to you is very simple and straightforward, maybe in the past people weren't as actively pursuing you as you would love them too but this person is not like this , they are on your face they know they want you and they're gonna be sincere & upfront about it , this person is generally very quiet and people have a lot of ridiculous assumptions about them like they're a player etc etc but best believe me they're really not what others think of him , this person is hot asf , you could be a very stubborn person who takes decision carefully about their life and this will stress them out n,ot in a way to deceit anyone but they know they have to prove everyone wrong so that you see them truly for who they are awww:(

Anyways this person is very masculine in nature , they are gonna act as a mentor and a caregiver, you want this ? I got it , you need this ? Its on me ....and you're like wtf i can do that myself but its just their way to make you feel special , this person does not do that for everyone if they are doing 50% for you then they are gonna do 20% for their friends its like they value your connection a lot and they don't want you to feel like you're just like everyone else in their life , this person is gonna defend you in every situation be it with their family or friends they dont give a shit , this person is also very keen on you they notice everything about you , how you care for people what you like to wear so their another hobby will be gift giving they are very thoughtful and they'd love to make you smile . The four of wands with the five of cups rx is very much i don't want to see them sad , i don't want them to doubt our connection, i want to put efforts for them , i want to do SO much that this person never feel less about themselves, i feel like being with this person , one of the best things about them ...that you're gonna like is they are deadly whatever they do its 100% efforts they dont like to tease their partner even in a slightest way because they know words can stick with a person forever so they're very mindful ,people can envy this the most about you guys its like no one can say anything bad abt my partner if you're gonna be passive then i might play this game as well , they could have a scorpio mercury or virgo so whatever they say is gonna hurt the other person because scorpions and virgos are known for their details , they study people very deeply , whatever they say hold meaning.

This person is definately that cold hearted girl/ guy or you are because i'm picking up on this black cat energy from you and cats do not chose their owners instantly neither do they love everyone. I Also picked up on a very rockstar appearance like long hairs , leather jacket, ripped jeans , its so cool , they remind me of early 2000's era

How will they pursue you : competitively , your friends post you every week ?? ...i'm gonna post you everyday its that kind of person lol , the back of the deck I usually take that as an overall energy is ace of pentacle which is a very stable and set energy in its own so whatever they do , they do it to achieve victory , to be recognised, to show you that they are the shit (;

Channelled song :

Thank you for reading!!

🫀Pile ll .

For this series if you have any topic suggestion let me know I'll include it

| 10 of cups , strength, four of swords |

Ok so this is our cool guy /girl lmao

Even though they will be putting in efforts to pursue you , you shouldn't know that they are doing that , i feel like they will be pursuing you from the get go like this person on a random monday evening will just accept i have feelings for this person and i want them , now this person will try to make it seem like its all a coincidence, this could be a leo mercury or gemini they try to entertain people with their words but their words hold honesty which people cant always catch so they will try to make you feel comfortable like you should feel happy in their presence and it will satisfy them and they will replay this in their mind at night like oh this person laughed at my joke they touched me i made them happy and it brings a smile on their face , they might say or do things which will make you laugh take a scenario like OH ...and you're like what happened and this person is like deja vu darling i think we belong together the universe knows and its so cheesy but its also so cute , they like to break this barrier between you guys , this person will be friendly towards you , they will flirt with you , they're also very spontaneous and a little bit tricky they love to play with you , lets say you guys have a dinner plan and you're excited you're dressed up you have already reached the venue but they will purposefully show up late and when you text them they're like WHAT...? We had plans ? but they are just joking they are alrdy at the venue waiting for you to see them , they might even joke with you like oh i have 5 kids to feed ofcourse i'm late & its a very playfully banter , you play along like YOU match their freak ... its ridiculous you wanna be mad at them but you can't but i understand your feelings pile 2 and i validate 🙂‍↔️✋🏽

I really think this person is gonna steal your parents love like 😭✋🏽they are the favourite child now , this person has a tendency to play cool like they dont wanna give in first..... they want you to give in first its kind of a cute ego idk , let's take a scenario they say "love you " and you're like where's my " I LOVE YOU " and they're like yes "I LOVE YOU TOO" so petty 😭 they have this natural ability to piss you off , this is the type of person when someone would ask you guys ..."so who confessed first ??...they're gonna jump in like ofcourse it was them , they were crazy about me like you dont know i had to give in but its not true its the opposite. So as you can already guess their ass ? Dramatic ...but you cant say they are dramatic because they are gonna be MORE dramatic about it .

How will they pursue you ? With fear because i feel like they will mask their desire to make you theirs with humour you could start off as friends or colleagues so they cant be very open about their feelings because they feel like you are not focused on love and you might reject them so it's their little cute tactics to get to your heart yeah but they are gonna be very anxious about it they could even suffer from inferiority complex.

Channelled song:

Thank you for reading!!

🫀Pile lll.

For this series if you have any topic suggestion let me know I'll include it

• 3ofcoins, wheel of fortune rx , seven of swords rx •

This person will absolutely be focused on providing comfort to you whether it be emotional or sexual , they love to do things with you they love to hang out with you , they creatively express themselves, they are someone who's gonna listen to your rants they are gonna embrace every flaw & every good thing about you , you are gonna feel exposed in their presence there's something about this person knowing you more than you know them , they really love to spend time with you , i'm seeing this person pushing you towards better goals like your life is gonna improve being with them ,this person will be very happy for your success, they are gonna put you on pedestal they think you are more lovable than them and you deserve more than them and i can confidently say they'll always love you more than you love them its very sweet but also sad , they have insecurities yet they are here trying to soothe your heart, they are gonna apologise first its like they dont wanna lose you they know how to keep a connection you wouldn't need to worry this is a connection where you can let yourself just be you aint gonna walk on eggshells, they are mature , i feel like this person cannot express themselves through words so they prefer to write to you , take you to places with them , praise you infornt of others , make you something, i feel like this persons love is comforting and sweet , you are their equal and they want you to feel like that.

This person will definately engage more in your life , they are gonna be supportive towards you like a best friend, they will overgive to you , they can even say stuff like ...." as long as i'm here i'm gonna be there for you ".....they will hold your hand while you walk they will listen to your problems, they will embrace your silly nature , take you out , spend time with you " i'm getting this line you came and the other one is like you called " it went viral on tiktok i think its from a movie but yeah the energy is very much sweet

Oh you guys this is so sweet , you guys dont speak the same language? They're gonna learn for you we have that kind of person here , you know when they are in love they get hearty eyes it shows on their face and in their behaviour, those sneaky eye contacts , those blush when you are mentioned, the sincerity in their words ,its all there .

How they're gonna pursue you ? Its very passionate and being Passionate does not mean always having hots for each other and that is exactly how they will make you feel , you feel this wholeness i'm having a hard time describing it...its so divine...you know just so grateful and lucky to have a connection like this in this day n age , Yeah 😭this is sooooooo damnnn cuteee i'm scared of this person's energy its very intense , i mean your partner is into worshipping & if you like this then this is definitely your pile (:

Channelled song:

Thanks for reading!!

[henry7931]

Too Bad For Chad

Poor Chad… when it came time to pick a partner in Chemistry, he made sure to pick the biggest nerd in the class. But no one could have predicted the accident that happened.

You see, right across the hall at his University—

The science department was working on an early experiment to transfer one’s thought to another human. Although all it took was for one of the professors to trip over a wire…

He bumped right into the machine which switched it to its max power and knocked the ray gun directly point at Chad and his lab partner Allen. What are the odds?!?

Well as one would imagine this could be a huge lawsuit, that is if Chad had anything proof of the incident.

You see Allen, is one smart cookie. He saw his opportunity of keeping Chad gorgeous body and took it.

That day, as Chad in Allen’s body began to scream and yell at everyone around him. Allen sat quietly observing the situation. And when asked about the incident by the university he denied everything.

He told them that he felt bad for ‘Allen’ that he seemed like he was going through a lot.

This all happened about a month ago, so how are they doing? Well let’s hear directly from them.

Allen:

Being lab partners with Chad was and is the best thing that ever happened to me. And I feel bad for him one bit!

I’ve dealt with meatheads like Chad my entire life, being pushed around and bullied. I’ve even envied and lusted after guys like him. But now I get to be him. Plus I still have my brains.

Since I’ve became Chad I’ve started to turn his GPA in the right direction, I’ve learned I’m now handsome enough to get away with just about anything, and I get to live out all of my horny fantasies.

With this body’s power and my brains I feel like I can do anything. Especially hook up with any guy on campus.

That’s the thing, all I have to do is turn on the charm with some handsome guy. I already know he’s into me before I make a move. I can tell when someone’s checking me out because I used to do the same thing.

I guess you could say I’m going through my hoe era right now. I’ve probably hooked up with half the guys on campus, including the “straight” ones.

But man, nothing beats a nice jerk session in this bod.

I’ll jerk off before going to sleep just gooning over my massive stinky feet.

I’ll beat one out in the shower right after a work out just hollering up a storm! And I don’t care who hears or sees me.

Like the other day, I was enjoying myself and my roommate popped in and couldn’t believe what he walked in on. I was licking every inch of these size 11 feet while pumping my 10” inch thick dick. But I didn’t stop, I just kept looking up at him and said, “enjoying the show?”

He tried to say something to me out of pocket but I made sure to put him in his place.

He’s now my personal toy, I let him worship my body when I get home. And he loves it!

At the end of the day, I’m still that nerdy gay guy deep down. But I have all of the looks and the power! 😈

[twilightcitysky]

Everything Is Meant (long S2 analysis, part 1)

I cannot figure out for the life of me how to make gifs so this will have to be a gif-less essay. If anyone more tech savvy than me wants to reblog with relevant media, please do!

I've seen a lot of people saying how Aziraphale's actions in the final ten minutes come out of left field and are OOC, and when I first watched the episode I felt the same, but now I think I couldn't have been more wrong. And I don't think Aziraphale is being controlled... I think the entire season showed us exactly what was going to happen.

On first watch, what struck me was the number of plot points that seemed disconnected. I couldn't figure out how Job related to the present, or the Victorian era, or the Nazi zombies (still at sea on the zombies part tbh). I didn't know where the Maggie/ Nina subplot was going, or why we were bothering with it. Then I put my "psych hat" on and it was like seeing one of those 3D pictures come into focus. It's a psychological networking rather than a plot-driven one, which is what Neil told us to expect.

Detailed analysis under the cut, with spoilers:

I went back through the season in my head and started asking myself: why is this element there? What does it contribute?

1. Start with scene one. Why include it? Does it matter for the climax that Az knew Crowley as an angel? YES. It's actually huge. Angel Crowley was joyful, he was bursting with delight at creation, he was idealistic. He wanted to be a part of everything rather than run away from it, and that's still how Aziraphale feels. He loves being a part of things. He's a joiner. He's a landlord. He dances at clubs and he makes human friends and he learns magic. Crowley the demon doesn't seem to want any of that, and I think that's hard for Az. He wants Crowley to be free of the cynicism he thinks prevents him from enjoying life now. At some level, I think he senses that Crowley is depressed (empathy's not his strong suit but I'm sure he's aware that Crowley's in a "what's the point of it all" kind of mood; see the eccles cakes scene). He wants to fix it. Aziraphale is a fixer. Metatron offers him a chance to do that.

Another thing is that Aziraphale knows Crowley ended up Falling just for asking questions that seemed innocent. That's not okay with him. He thinks that with the two of them in charge they can actually MAKE the changes that Crowley wanted to see way back at the beginning, starting with a suggestion box.

2. Okay, now Jim. Obviously Gabriel/ Jim is the central mystery, but why does he matter? First and foremost: he's there to show Aziraphale that angels can CHANGE. Gabriel terrorized and threatened Aziraphale. Az has been terrified of him. He ordered Aziraphale's execution. And now here he is, drinking hot chocolate, doing noble self-sacrificing things, with morals that suddenly align with Aziraphale's. What an absolute game-changer that must have been! He thought Heaven was unfixable, but here's Gabriel in his shop for weeks, slowly convincing him otherwise.

Then two other things happen. First, they find out that this all happened to Gabriel essentially because he fell in love. He was fired and his memories were stolen and the only reason he recovered was because Beelzebub happened to give him the one thing that could save him. That must have seemed like incredible luck. Now, how does Aziraphale feel about memories? He lives in a bookshop that is stuffed to bursting with the records of all of human history, essentially. His memories of his time with Crowley are incredibly precious. He sees, there at the end, that everything he is can be taken from him as a punishment for falling in love. Aziraphale doesn't have a magic fly container. He'd be forever robbed of Crowley, his life, himself. It's a very real threat in his mind when Metatron intervenes.

Which brings us to the second thing. Metatron saves Gabriel. Not only that, he prevents him from being punished for loving Beelzebub and lets them both go. What better way to win currency with Aziraphale? HE doesn't want to go off to Alpha Centauri, he never has, but suddenly he sees that Metatron might protect his relationship. And he's probably the only entity with the power to do so.

So we come to two conclusions: Aziraphale, when he goes off to talk with Metatron, is feeling like maybe it's not intrinsically bad to be an angel. He believed all the angels sucked, and only God was good... but now he sees that even Gabriel can change. He met Muriel, and he likes them. (He also had a huge crush on angel Crowley, which is neither here nor there but he loves Crowley in all his forms.) So if Crowley became an angel again, would that really be so bad? In his mind, it wouldn't change who Crowley is. It would just make them both safer and allow them to be together. (He's wrong! And Crowley doesn't see it that way! But this is a key miscommunication. Aziraphale doesn't really believe that becoming a demon changed Crowley. Back to the first scene, which Aziraphale references during the Job minisode. In his eyes, Crowley is the same person (just more cynical because of what's happened to him)-- so why would it matter if he's an angel again? I truly don't think he was trying to save Crowley, or saying that Crowley would be Better as an angel. To him, it doesn't matter what Crowley is. Which is reductive and harmful, but not the same as thinking Crowley needs rescuing from himself.)

Second conclusion: he sees that an angel and demon can be in love, but they have to run away to be together. Gabe and Beelz couldn't go home again. Earth is Aziraphale's home, but after the attack on the bookshop he learned that without Heaven's protection he can't really keep them safe there. Metatron says: "Come with me, do this thing, and you can have guaranteed safety AND be with the love of your life". Poor Aziraphale wants this with every fiber of his being. All he's ever wanted was for Crowley to be safe. He's never been able to offer it. Over the past four years, he thought they were safe, but he's just learned that he was wrong.

This is getting long. Continued in Part Two!

[littlemissmentallyunstable]

title: the dancer and the angel part 2

pairing: grayson hawthorne x (first person) reader

synopsis: lyra kane is closer to your boyfriend than ever seen as grayson has just been put of her team in the grandest game and it’s making you a little nervous, you don’t trust her and you don’t want her too close to him

parts: part 1 part 3 part 4

warnings: mild swearing, SPOILERS FOR TGG

a/n: I had quite a few requests for a part 2, so here she is… trying to get into my productive era right now (fake it till you make it right??)

tag list: @tornqdowarnings @whatsamongus @wish-i-were-heather @inmyheaddd @never-enough-novels @sweetlikeanangel @lxvebelle @xoxo-vee @emelia07 @f4iry-bell @zaraaaabear @thoughtdaughter3 @benny1989fredd @elysianwayy77 @maybxlle @sheisntyou @anintellectualintellectual @aleatorio1234

RECAP

“Whose team is he on?” I say quickly.

“Odette Morales and Lyra Kane.”

***

Lyra Kane. Lyra Kane. Lyra Kane. The name rattles around my brain, echoing off of my skull, only to replay in my mind again. Of course it just has to be Lyra Kane that he’s on a team with. That breathtaking woman with beauty that shouldn’t be possible for a human. Yeah, that Lyra Kane. I feel like laughing and crying all at the same time, so I express nothing instead. Why did it have to be her? Out of all of the players.

I’m not jealous, I try to convince myself, I’m just concerned. Yes, that’s it. Except it isn’t and the only person I’m lying to is pathetic little old me. I am ferociously jealous. It scolds me torturously, raging from the pit of my stomach, crawling under my skin to settle comfortably.

Grayson loves me, I know this. I felt the kisses we’d shared on the beach moments before he’d gone into the stupid house. They still linger on my lips now, I could taste him slightly, I’d heard him say he loved me, only me and yet I can’t get the feeling out of my system. The jealousy always manages to seep its way back in. I’m sick with a disease called envy.

I don’t want to be the jealous girl, the possessive one that people roll their eyes at or avoid. That’s not me. I didn’t want it to be me. But deep down I’m petrified that that’s who I’m becoming. I sigh, realising I was just going to have to swallow it. What could I do about it now? Besides I know Grayson, I trust Grayson. He wouldn’t let her try anything on, would he?

***

Hours of waiting and not watching. We couldn’t see the players at all. Or hear them. Anxiety is killing me slowly from the inside out, gnawing happily at my organs. I spin the ring on my middle finger as my leg jigs up and down, counting down the seconds until sunrise, four-thousand one-hundred and eight-two to go.

“You know you don’t have to look so panicked all the time,” Nash sighs, slumping down beside me.

“I’m not panicked,” I say, forcing a laugh.

“Sure darlin’,” he says, “my name’s Roger and I have a pet turtle.”

I roll my eyes, fighting the urge to smile, “I mean it, I’m fine.”

“It’s completely safe in there, we designed it that way,” he explains slowly, soothingly, “no one’s going to get hurt and there’s an emergency button just in case.”

“Okay,” I nod, exhaling.

I don’t believe him and his words don’t offer me much comfort. My overthinking brain is currently listing all of the ways Grayson could possibly die in the next ten minutes. But Nash is trying and I’m thankful to have him.

“At least pretend you’re convinced,” he drawls, a twinkle in his eyes.

Maybe I’m not convinced that everything’s going to be fine but I am convinced Nash has a sixth sense called ‘big brother knows all’ because for some reason he always knew everyone’s thoughts and feelings, even when they were trying to hide it. Either that or he’s a mind reader.

“I am,” I tell him, as convincingly as I could muster, “everything’s going to be fine.”

“Shit!” Jameson yells from across the room, perfect timing as per usual.

“What?” I hear Avery ask quickly.

“The powers gone out,” he says, smacking the table so hard I didn’t know how he didn’t break a bone.

“What do you mean the powers gone out?” I say, standing up and walking over.

“I mean they have no light, no heaters and they ate completely locked in by the mechanisms,” he explains, gesturing to the blank screens.

“We’ve lost all connection to them as well,” Xander murmurs, eyes darting from left to right at each and every screen.

“Everything?” I exclaim, trying not to get over-anxious and failing miserably.

“Yes,” Jameson confirms.

“You’re panicking her,” Nash scolds him.

“Well she asked I’m not going to lie,” he defends.

“Not the time to argue guys,” Avery rolls her eyes, getting back to the computer. Jameson follows her lead, trying to reconnect the lost signals.

“Shit shit shit,” he groans as more things shut off. He slams his hands down on the keyboard and starts guessing random buttons, “Xand help me out here,”

“Don’t you worry, dearest brother,” Xander replies calmly, “I’m working on it.”

Silence hits us like the dead. We’re all intently staring up the layers and layers of code coming up on the several screens. I can’t understand any of it.

“This is Python,” Jameson points at one of the scenes.

“Yeah and this is Java,” Xander nods, “but I have no clue what this is.”

“Shit,” Jameson curses, running a hand through his hair, reminding me of Grayson when he was overstimulated.

“Not yet,” he replies, turning to the other Hawthorne brother present, “Nash do you remember when I was in fifth grade-“

“The de-coder book?” he says before Xander even finishes.

“Please,” he nods sharply.

“Got it,” he replies, rushing out of the room.

“Do you have any idea what they’re talking about?” I whisper to Avery

“Absolutely none,” she shrugs, looking as clueless as me offering me some comfort.

“Who would even cut the power?” Jameson asks to nobody in particular.

Avery and I share a look. I already know we’re thinking the same thing.

“Grayson is in there, does she know that?” I ask quickly.

“I don’t know,” she replied, chewing the inside of her cheek

“She?” Jameson interrupts. We both ignore him.

“Don’t you think he’ll be her prime target,” I say, the worry warping my tone a little in a way that made me sound a little too vulnerable for my liking.

“Target?” Jameson says. We ignore him, again.

“Most likely, if it is her,” Avery sighs, tapping her bottom lip melodically.

Jameson looks at Xander, baffled, “are they speaking in code?”

“I’m kind of concentrating right now Jamie, please don’t talk to me,” he responds, not taking his eyes off of the computer screens as he attempts to decode.

“Who are you talking about?” Jameson raises his voice a little, forcing me and Avery to address his question.

“This could be Eve,” Avery says softly.

“Eve?” Xander says, freezing mid-type and actually lifting his head up.

“No surely not,” Jameson shakes his head in denial.

“Think about it,” I say, “who else can you think that would want go sabotage this game?”

“Anyone who fancies a good bit of money,” he states, “and it could be nothing at all.”

“A power cut isn’t nothing,” I argue.

“I hate to agree the circumstance,” Avery exhales, “but it’s true, this feels like a threat of sorts.”

“And we can’t contact the players meaning anything could happen right now,” I say, worry bleeding into my voice.

Jameson’s face softens.

“But they’re locked in,” Nash points out, sauntering back in, “no one is getting in or out, that means they can’t be hurt.”

He hands the decoding book to Xander who frantically flips through the pages to find something in particular.

“Windows can be smashed,” I point out.

“You think whoever this is would risk smashing a window,” Nash asks, with his eyebrows raised.

“I don’t know how these people work,” I snap, throwing my hands up in the arm.

“You’re shaking,” he says softly.

I look up to see my shaking limbs. Immediately they drop to my sides and I desperately try to still them, “no I’m not-“

“Breathe a little okay, Gray will be fine,” he reassures me, his tone placid, as he delicately takes my shaking hands between his.

“Look as long as they all stay put no one should get hurt,” Avery says calmly, “the glass on the windows are double glazed and harder to smash than the average window, that is if they’re going to risk that.”

“Besides Xander’s on it,” Jameson adds.

Xander sticks a thumb into the air, still audibly tapping the keyboard with the other, “whoever did this is incredibly skilled at hacking and annoyingly so,” he mutters in reply.

No one talks. We are all just stood in silence, barely daring to breathe not wanting to break Xander’s concentration. Mine and Avery’s hands are intertwined, gripping the others so tightly that our fingers are white. Xander is frantic. He’s practically sweating as he types quickly and clicks buttons I didn’t even know existed. And just when it seemed like he might be getting somewhere more and more boxes of undeciphered code popped up. I’m close to being hopeless when Xander leans back in his seat.

“We’re back up and running,” Xander announces, “lights, buttons, connections, locks, everything.”

Avery and I squeal, hugging each other tightly. Relief floods through my body and I’m giddy with it. Xander stands up and breathes out slowly.

I kiss his cheek in affection and gratitude, platonically, “thank you Xander.”

“You’re welcome,” he says.

“I owe you a scone,” Jameson tells with a slap on the back.

“That, you do,” he nods with a wide grin.

“What do we tell the players?” Nash asks, reminding us that the game is still going and the players will be wondering what the hell just went on.

“Do we tell them the truth?” Xander asks.

“We don’t even know the truth,” Jameson tells him.

“Then we tell them what we know,” Avery says, “Nash?”

“You got it kid,” he nods.

Xander slides an arms around me.

“Sorry ‘bout that folks,” Nash drawls through the microphone, “brief technical snafu on our end, but we’re back. You still have sixty three minutes until dawn. As long as at least one team makes it down to the dock by the deadline, the rules still stand.”

It’s fine, everything will be fine. Three thousand seven hundred and eighty seconds left. I rest my head on Xander’s shoulder and he puts his head on mine. I think he’s the only thing that’s holding me up at the moment. If he weren’t I’m pretty sure my body would be some sort of odd shaped puddle of consumed thoughts on the carpet. Only one sentence goes through my head, over and over and over. I can’t wait to have my arms around Grayson again.

***

It’s almost sunrise when we make our way to the dock so we’ll be there for when the players make it out. If they make it out. I walk in between Xander and Nash, trying to keep up with their obscenely large leg strides. Avery and Jameson lead the way holding hands. My heart squeezes, it won’t be too long before I see Grayson again. I know it seemed stupid, we had only been apart for a few hours, but those hours had felt like weeks given all of the events that had taken place. Not to mentioned the long prolonging wait of which I couldn’t see or hear him.

And there was still something going around in my head. Something about him being with Lyra Kane for this long in such close proximity. It was grating at me, but I push the feelings down and bury them under a mound that I’m trying to ignore.

“Want to have a bet?” Xander ruffles my hair, stealing me from being consumed by my own thoughts.

I slap him away, “I’ve heard it’s dangerous to wager with a Hawthorne.”

“What’s my brother been telling you?” he asks.

“Mum’s the word,” I wink back, tapping my nose.

“What’s your bet on little brother?” Nash asks.

“What team will make it first,” Xander grins, mischievous glint in his eye.

His brotehr grins towards the sky, “had a feeling it might be.”

“I’m bias then,” I scoff.

“Okay so your Hearts,” Xander says.

“Hang on I never agreed to this bet,” I exclaim, holding my hands up to surrender.

“Whoever wins gets a scone,” he bribes me.

“That only benefits you,” Nash points out.

“Actually I would also benefit, I like scones,” I smile sheepishly,

“See? Who are you voting Nash?” Xander asks.

“I’ll go with Clubs, I’m rooting for Gigi,” Nash shrugs.

Xander nods, “that means I’m going with Diamonds.”

“You don’t have to,” I tell him.

“Yes I do, otherwise it’s uneven,” he says. I wasn’t going to argue.

“Who would your original vote gone to?” I ask.

He smiles at me, a cheeky glint in his eyes, “no one shall ever know.”

“What are you three wittering about,” Jameson says, interrupting the train of conversation as he turns around.

“Probably something better than the lovesick whispers you two are sharing,” Xander teases.

“Xand-“

The thumping of footsteps cut him off. It’s a race. Hearts and Diamonds are out. Savannah is the fastest, Rohan hot on her heels. Though Lyra takes them both over in a matter of seconds. She must be a runner. Would explain the to-die-for figure. Grayson is close behind her thought Odette trailed behind slightly, but for a woman of her age she’s doing remarkably well. They all arrive within milliseconds of each other, breathless and rosy-cheeked.

“Congratulations Diamonds and Hearts, you’ve made it,” Avery smiles.

“Where’s Clubs?” Savannah asks, its only then I notice how her longs blonde hair has been chopped off unevenly. It makes her look even colder than before, sending a chill down my spine

“Still playing,” Jameson says.

“Gray,” I breathe in relief, as he takes me into his arms.

Something about the hug feels unnatural maybe even slightly uncomfortable, but I brush it off. We’d both been awake for far too long. I couldn’t trust my judgement on this little sleep.

“You okay?” I murmur into his shoulder.

“Fine,” he replies, so only I can hear him.

“Good.”

It hit sunrise and something sinks in my stomach. Clubs haven’t made it. Gigi is out of the game. This is going to destroy her. We all wait in silence. All knowing Clubs have failed, all knowing the disappointment we’d have to see on their faces. My heart is thumping loudly in my chest, I can hear it in my ears. I grip onto Grayson’s hand tightly. I catch Lyra’s honey golden eyes. She looks me up and down as I narrow my eyes at her. I can’t read her body language towards me, it was difficult to make out what she was thinking or feelings. I turn away and try not to think too much of it.

There’s sound coming from the left of us and in the distance there are three figures. Everyone’s eyes snap to the three remaining players who’s hearts are probably all sinking in realisation that they were nit longer players in this game. Then I notice what’s in Knox’s arms or rather who… Knox is carrying a bleeding Gigi. My stomach twists. Grayson freezes beside me.

“Put her down,” Grayson says sternly, his voice commanding authority.

Immediately Knox gently places Gigi down, making sure she was stable before he completely let go. We rush to her side immediately. Grayson putting a protective arm around her shoulder, his eyes flitting between the gash on her head and her face.

“Oh god Gigi,” I murmur tentatively touching her bloodied head to assess how severe it is.

“I’m fine,” she winces, blinking back tears.

“You are not,” Grayson says, his voice hard almost empty, “you’re injured Gigi.”

“Who among us is not occasionally concussed?” she says happily.

“Our team is out of the game, go ahead say it we’be been eliminated,” Knox says turning to Avery.

She ignores him and approaches Gigi, “are you okay?”

She nodded with a smile laced with the pain he thought she could hide. Maybe it was invisible to the others, but not to me. I’ve been under the same mask she’s trying to hide behind now. I understand. Grayson keeps his arm around her and I keep my hand in hers. She squeezes my palm and I squeeze hers back. I’m here, I wanted to scream, I’m here for you.

“Diamonds and Hearts, you’re onto the next phase of the game. Clubs… there’s always next year,” Avery finally brings herself to say.

“Once a player, always a player,” Jameson adds.

***

I don’t leave Gigi’s side until Nash has patched her up properly. ‘Stay with her, please,’ Grayson had murmured after we’d shared a quick kiss. He’d had something to discuss back at the dock with Odette. And Lyra. So I did, I stayed by Gigi’s side through every wince, every hand squeeze, every stitch.

“All patch up darlin’,” Nash nods, tipping his cowboy hat towards her slightly.

“Thanks,” she smiles brightly, it’s an unnatural fluorescent brightness that she radiated. Too bright, too artificial.

“You feeling okay?” I make sure, looking at her head.

“Fine,” she replied, gently feeling over her stitches.

Before anyone can say anything else there is a sharp knock at the door interrupting the thread of conversation. Nash answers. Brady walks in. Something was off about that guy. I got a bad feeling when I was around that guy. Nash gets up to leave and as much as I want to stay, it’s not my place to and I know that.

“Holler if you need anything,” Nash tells Gigi.

“We’re not going far,” I reassure her.

“Don’t worry about me,” she beams up at me, though the smile doesn’t quite reach her eyes, “really I’m fine.”

“I think we both know that’s a lie,” I say, my voice so low I’m not sure if she can hear me.

The way her eyes soften, revealing an ounce of vulnerability, indicates she has, “can we talk later? Maybe on the boat back?”

“Of course we can,” I say, squeezing her hand in mine one last time, before standing up to leave her to talk to Brady.

She nods with a small smile which I return, then turn to follow Nash who’s holding eye contact with Brady intensely. As soon as we’re out of the room and a few paces down the corridor Nash blurts out, “I don’t trust him.”

“Neither do I,” I grimace, at least someone else had picked up on Brady’s sketchy vibes, “he gives me a weird feeling.”

“Same here kid,” he nods in reply, then pauses slightly before saying, “you go and find Gray, I’ll be close by if she needs me.”

I fumble over my words. How did he know again? He has to be some sort of mind reader. I make a mental note to discuss it with Xander.

“Are you sure?” I ask quietly.

“I’m sure,” he says, placing a brotherly hand in my shoulder, “I know you’re still worried, you’re horrible at hiding it.”

“Thanks Nash,” I chuckle, brushing hair out of my face,

“No worries kid,” he says, shooting me a lopsided grin as I rush off to reunite with Grayson.

***

The boat left for the mainland at noon, that was when Gigi, Knox and now Odette were leaving, as she traded her place for Brady’s. But the players had been told to try and get some rest before the next phase. I’d also been up all night and could feel myself growing tired, so Grayson and I were currently laying on our bed in each other’s arms. It feels nice to finally breathe a little. I don’t feel the weight of stress from my jealousy or guilt or worry, I just feel normal.

“Do you think Gigi will be okay,” I murmur into Grayson.

“Nash is used to patching up our ailments,” he responds, his tone a little distant. It made me iffy.

“Yeah but I mean after being cast out of the game,” I reply, “I know I wouldn’t feel great if I were in her position.”

“I don’t know,” he murmurs, blowing out a short breath.

“I’m worried about her,” I say quietly.

“Me too,” he whispers, “I’m really worried about her.”

“I think we’re going to talk later,” I tell him, hoping it might provide himnwith some sort of solace.

“Yeah?”

“Yeah,” I confirm, “I hope she might get whatever it is that’s hurting her off of her chest.”

“Make sure she’s okay for me, okay?” he makes sure, “no matter what.”

“Of course,” I say, a little confused. Why had he said it like that? Like something bad might happen? Like I might lose him? I brush off the feeling. I put it down to overreacting, as usual.

We fall into a long silence as I trace different shapes on chest with my finger tip. I slowly drag it along, with no specific shape in mind. A blank expression is present on his face and I can see he’s deep in thought. There’s something on his mind and I have a horrible feeling it has something to do with the unseen, unheard happenings of the grandest game.

“What’s on your mind?” I ask him, doe-eyed.

“Hmmm nothing,” he says, refusing to look me in the eye.

“You sure?” I press on.

“I’m sure,” he says, planting a kiss on my forehead.

The kiss was off and I could see something was bothering him but he didn’t want to tell me, I’d wait until he was ready. Even if it were forever.

“What was it like in there?” I ask, attempting to change the subject, “the game.”

“It really was the grandest game,” he whispers, “like nothing I’ve ever experienced before.”

“Really?”

“They outdid themselves thoroughly,” he says.

“I bet,” I nod, nuzzling further into him affectionately.

“You really couldn’t hear or see anything the whole time?” he asks, a hint of worry delicately woven into his tone. It was so brief you would’ve missed it if you didn’t know him. But I know Gray.

“Nothing, it was like hell,” I say with a small tired laugh, “it was killing me that I had no clue if you were okay.”

“I was fine,” he replied quickly, almost curtly.

“Well I know that now,” I yawn and feel my eyes begin to close slowly but I fight to keep them open.

“You’re tired,” Grayson says, the ghost of a smile faintly touching his lips.

I shake my head in denial, “no I’m not,” I protest, “not even a little bit.”

“Go the sleep love,” he whispers.

“I want to talk to you though,” I pout, rubbing my eyes.

“We‘ll have plenty of time tomorrow,” he says, playing with my hair.

“Okay,” I murmur, letting myself fall into a dimension of much needed sleep, finally with my love back in my arms.

***

I wake up in the middle of darkness, though there is light desperately trying to make it through the black out blinds. I wonder how long I’d been asleep for, it couldn’t be past noon though. I’m aware of the coldness on the other side of the bed. Grayson wasn’t there. It wasn’t exactly uncommon. Usually when we were home, if it were the early hours he would either be swimming or having a wander and a read to make himself tired again.

I hear the door handle turn slowly and the sound of his all too familiar footsteps hitting the floor. I crawl out of bed, rubbing the sleep from my eyes, as I make my way toward him. Though as I do he stands still, frozen, like he can’t move. Concern latches onto my throat.

“Are you okay?” I whisper, tentatively touching his arm.

He recoils away quickly, like I’ve hit a tender nerve or a bruise of sorts.

“Are you hurt?” I ask worriedly

“No,” he murmurs, his voice stone cold.

It hurts a little more than it should, he’s never usually so blunt, so cutthroat. Not with me anyway.

“Where have you been?” I say, fishing for an honest reply.

He meets my eyes for the first time. Swimming in endless pools of grey is a mournful sorrow, “I’m sorry.”

His voice cracks. Grayson’s voice never cracks.

“Gray?” I say in a ghost of the whisper, the word not even feeling real once it is said. My pulse quickens suddenly and a large lump that I cannot swallow forms in my throat.

He’s pale, his face is regretful. Hollow. Lifeless. My heart sinks. I already know.

“Tell me,” I say, my voice shaking nearly breaking like weak houses in an earthquake.

He shakes his head glossy eyed, “I’m sorry. I never wanted to hurt you, I never meant for it to happen, I-“

“Tell me,” I grit through my teeth trying to prevent the thick emotion building up in my chest from overflowing.

There is a long pause. A deadly silence that seemed to last for days.

He parts his lips and utters the words, “I kissed her.”

It’s like a masked killer has dragged me from the comfort and safety of my own bed in the middle of the night, taken me into the thick of the wood where the vegetation is overgrown and no one will ever hear you scream. The part where it’s hard to see the sky or tell day from night and where no birds sing. And once we’re there, he takes a sharpened knife, laced with the most excruciating poison and slowly opens the left side of my chest, carefully ripping out my beating heart full of blood to destroy in his hands at his leisure. Grinning as her leaves my broken body to bleed out, dying heartless and lifeless. It’s like the person under that mask is Grayson. The one person I put all of my love and trust into. The one person who I thought would saved me from the masked killer is the masked killer. What a fucking joke.

“Who?” I ask, my tone low, dangerous, angry, “who did you kiss? I want to hear you say it.”

“I kissed Lyra,” he whispers, tears rolling down his cheeks, a state I’d never witnessed him in before. But right now I’m too broken to care.

My heart shatters into a million pieces on the spot. And then I am numb with agony.

a/n: so that was a fun ending :) hope you enjoyed part 2 my loves <33 and thanks to everyone who requested it, I’m sorry it took me so long to get around to it

NOTE I DONT THINK GRAYSON IS A CHEATER!! LIKE AT ALL. MY BABY WOULD NEVER!! but I thought I’d spice things up a bit yk, for the ✨drama✨

ALSO the de-coding thingy when the power went out if probs completely wrong on my part but I was allowed to drop computer science last year and I did ;) so I was just waffling, I know nothing about computers other than they can type, play music and they provide me with google and amazon

TIG masterlist

[volturiprincess]

You Kill Me (Pt 2.)

Caius Volturi x vamp female reader

Summary: The confrontation after part one. Warnings: Angst, foul language, mentions of sexual harassment, Caius' sinister side peeks (I think thats all?) A/N: FINALLY! Man it took a while but I mean I got writer's block with this one. I really wanted to dive a bit deep with this and I added a couple back and forth POV between reader and Caius (I almost added a Marcus POV but I changed my mind). Thank you to everyone who has been patient with this one-shot, I hope I did not disappoint. But as always...Enjoy💙 Word Count: 6k+ (My longest one so far)

(Here's Part 1)

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

(This. Was. His. Era. Again Jamie did him justice🥰)

Recap….

We stood in silence, I wanted to say something but I didn't know what exactly. I must have been too deep in thought because when I looked up he was gone…..

Oh gosh. What have I done? Why didn't I just say something to him, anything really could have worked at that moment and maybe I would not of hurted him. I never wanted to hurt him in anyway, he’s my mate for fucks sake. Even if I'm still getting used to the idea of having him as my mate, or just being around vampire civilization again, I would never want to harm him. When I pushed him away the hurt his eyes reflected, hit me.

Why am I being so difficult with him? You would think finding your mate just clicks for one and everything in your life finally makes sense, you get a sense of being even but no I decided to just make this once in lifetime experience so complicated. I have been in communication with Carlisle of course via letters, and when I tell him about me and Caius, I can already picture him shaking his head in disappointment each time he reads my letters. He understands why I'm being like this but he finds it totallyunnecessary for me to act like this toward my own mate, he keeps telling me you only get one in this lifetime. 

I decided to head outside to the gardens, where I usually spend my alone time until I see Marcus there. It seems he was expecting me. 

“Hello Marcus, fancy seeing you here”

“I would say the same thing but we have matters to discuss, dear”

I guess Caius got to him already, even if Marcus never shows any sort of emotions, right now he's giving me the same look Carlisle would give me when I did something absurd. He motions for me to sit with him, which I join him instantly.

“I am already going to assume you know what I'm about to say?”

“I have a hunch of an idea”

I couldn't look at him because the look he's giving me was pure disappointment, I felt like a child being scolded by their parents. I know that feeling all too familiar, I was the ‘wild card' apparently compared to my brother when we were younger, father had a knack to always scold me even when it's something as little as forgetting to put away a cup. Carlisle had it easier compared to me, I was molded to be this lady that society would approve of, I was designed to be the perfect wife according to my father. Mother would have never wanted me to be raised like this, she was the one who encouraged me to read, she was even the one who taught me how until she passed away when me and Carlisle were 5. 

“Let’s start this off simple, how are you feeling?”

That is a very good question, how the fuck do I feel? Sure I feel confused, that's all I have been feeling since I found out about being mated to Caius but I mean I feel disgusted. I feel disgusted with myself, I heard stories over the years that the Volturi were supposedly these power hungry coven who are just ruthless but now I feel like I'm the true villain here. What kind of sick person– err vampire in this case– turns their back on someone who has been nothing but loving and patient with them? Caius, even if he has  been interesting with his tactics of showing affection, has only been patient with me, and how do I return the favor? I push him away and basically stomp on his heart.

“Terrible”

“Elaborate on that”

I really do feel like a kid currently.

“I feel terrible because I broke Caius heart” 

“And how?”

And now I feel like I'm in a therapy session.

“For months I turn away from our mate bond and refuse to give in, he does not deserve that, actually screw that he does not deserve a mate who just shuts him away for no reason”

“Oh but there is a reason to your uncalled behavior”

“Isn't there always a reason for everything?”

“Yes, which is why I'm asking you why are you being like this?”

“I dont know”

Of course I know why, I'm scared to give into the bond, what if I’m not good enough for him. What if I fuck up or something and he decides I'm not worth, that I'm not worthy in being his mate. I know you can't pick who your mate is or anything but he could do so much better than me, a person worthy enough to be his queen. Other than the fear, I'm angry. I've been forced to be here forever and don't even have the chance to see my brother. I miss him, he was all I had left of my family and now I have to be away from him. And my past trauma is always lingering.

“I doubt that”

“Marcus, no disrespect to you, but why are you invested in me and Caius? I know he's your brother and all but…why?”

I saw him look off to the distance, almost like I do on a daily basis when I'm reflecting on thoughts or events throughout the day. But I could see his expression change, instead of the disappointed look he had not that long ago, he looked gloomy which was his usual expression before I started to talk to him. 

“I told you about my…” I saw him take an unnecessary gulp ”late wife…Didyme,right?”

“Yes you did, she sounded like a lovely being, I would of loved to of meet her”

“She was, I mean she is. What i'm trying to say is I don't want to you or Caius to end up like me, I have had my brother in my life for so long and to see him finally find his mate, makes me surprisingly happy, I might not show it but internally I have a bit of peace”

Oh the guilt I have right now is no joke, the way he is speaking makes me worry more about the situation I created with his soul brother. The day he told me about Didyme was when I healed her favorite flower, he only told me a bit about her, her personality, features, how her smile could brighten any room, how with just a touch his worries and sadness would be like if it never existed. He truly loved her and the way he is barely going through life does make me sympathize for him big time. I actually make sure to check up on him at least once a day, from just asking him about the latest book he has read to just asking him to oversee my work in the garden, it's not much but I can see a bit of change in his eyes. 

“But I also do not want to see you suffer, I don't know what you are trying to accomplish with this behavior but you have become an important person to me. I view you as a sister I never had, makes me a bit envious of Carlisle since he has the honor to call you his actual sister.”

“Marcus I don't know what to say, I'll be honest with you but I view you as my brother as well, I see a bit of Carlisle in you”

“We are getting off topic but I appreciate your honesty dear, the point of this conversation is to come to your senses and accept Caius as your mate, I can see your bond with him weaken, you are doing nothing to nurture it, he was kind of trying but not in an effective way, in a way you two are acting like children, now if you will excuse me, I have matters to attend to”

He took off before I could even close my mouth at his revelation. He does make a point, I need to stop this ridiculous behavior I've been having and be willing to accept Caius as a mate. 

Caius POV

Humiliated. Disappointed. Defeated. Embarrassed. Furious. And Shameful. Who does she think she is? Was it perhaps my fault for pushing her and just throwing myself at her with that kiss? What was I thinking in doing such an action on her? I would never act like that or think to do it, I am a gentleman, I might not show it but I have never had no intentions to be this way. I still blame her. She is the one who has made me a whole different being. My brother has told me once you find your mate, everything just clicks, they are your equal side and they supposedly make you a better person. He’s wrong, since the minute I saw her I knew she would be trouble, I knew she would not be the right fit for me. 

How could she push me away like I was not worth anything. I have feelings. Wait? Do I? I never understood the purpose of expressing feelings. We feed on humans, I have no sympathy for them only that they keep my thirst down. But when I saw her, I felt the world stop, my main focus was on her and only her, not only because of her beauty but the aura she gave. I for once felt my unbeaten heart beat, I felt like I was suffocating from her scent, but at the same time I felt at ease. I still do not understand her purpose of being difficult with me, if I didn't spend our longest time together arguing with her I would've gotten answers to my questions.  

Maybe it is my fault as well, I have not been there for her. Marcus advised me to spend time with her to actually get to know her. He also warned me that I should be easy with her, she will never be able to see her family unless they come here. But what do I do instead? I basically seduced her with my charm and thought that would be enough to seal the bond. What an idiot I can be, but at the same time I at least tried to give into the bond, unlike her. She would just turn away from me and act like I was some low life, like a pest in a common sense. Who gave her the right to treat me in such a way? Maybe her brother was the one who influenced her to be this way with me? I knew that vegetarian vampire had it out for me, it only makes sense since he left, he probably knew she was my mate this whole time. 

She's such a child to top it off. Running away from a bond that is grander than any bond to existence, and yet she turns away from it like a coward. Just like her brother, always going on and off from having mortals or not. In the time she has been here, she is still not drinking human blood. I thought by now she would have converted to our diet but it would seem I was wrong. Another thing to add to my list of changes; being wrong. I have always been right and if someone goes against me then they will end up being sorry. She’s changing me more than I care to ever want.

Y/N POV

It's been a month since I last saw him, even before I would at least catch glimpses of him or he would approach me. He’s nowhere, I even asked some of the guards if they have seen him but I was met with disappointment. Not even Aro or Marcus have been any help, well I haven't actually talked to Aro yet, he still creeps me out. My mind has been rehearsing over and over in what I will say to Caius, it's all I can really think of.  And to think it's only a month, it has felt like an eternity, considering I have been around for a while now, it cannot compare to this month alone. I think I am finally losing it, I believe I am going mental now. The way my mind is being filled with endless thoughts and worries is really pushing me into a not so pretty mindset. I want to cry but I know I am unable to, I want to scream but what will that solve? I want to run away but Demetri would just track me down in an instant. I want to drown myself in books to at least distract my mind but I know whatever I read it would only be twisted and I would be thrown back to thinking about him. 

I even stopped  hunting, I haven't had not one ounce of blood since the last day I saw him. Why do I deserve to satisfy my thirst when I hurt my mate? Oh my mate, how much I am longing to be in his arms right now, telling him how sorry I am. To tell him what an idiot I have been this past half year, to tell him my fears of not being worthy of him, to tell him it's me and not him no matter how foolish that sounds. It's the truth there is nothing wrong with him, not even his anger issues bother me, on the contrary I love how he is not afraid to show his intense emotions out. Oh? I said the L word, well it's no issue to me because I think I do love him. How fucked up is that really? It took for him to stop coming up to me to finally realize I do have love for him.

I have been spending this whole month, when I was not looking for Caius, pacing in my room growing more and more mad. Not the emotion mad but like mentally losing it. But I think I am also mad, I mean I am trying to make it up to him but he won't even give me a chance. It's frustrating really. Oh no. Is this how Caius was when he was trying to seal the bond but I just turned away from him? Now I am really feeling the pain and guilt, this torment is just so painful for anyone to face. I made him go through this, I really am a monster.

I fell to my knees in defeat as I buried my face into my hands, the venom started to fill my eyes. All my walls started to crash down on me and I could feel myself almost physically hyperventilate as I was trying to remember to calm myself. I felt my old human self creep up. In my human years I would have my breakdowns after each lecture my father would give me. His talks about me being the ideal respectful woman would get to me too much.

His preaching never got easier, he even would force me to attend his social gatherings with other men so I could be viewed as an available choice as a wife. When my dad was not having an eye on me, those men would stare at me shamelessly, it made me feel gross and caused me to have a desire to be alone. Another reason why I avoided any type of civilization when me and Carlisle went our separate ways. 

Maybe that’s another reason why I was also being harsh toward Caius, I feared he was going to be like those men. It didn't  help his case to be proven wrong when he kissed me or the way he seduced me endless times. I need to talk to him. 

Caius POV

I feel foolish avoiding my own problems. I tend to get to the bottom of things but in this case it's different. How can I solve this? Wouldn’t it make sense for her to come up to me and apologize for her childish acts? The way she wouldn't even look me in the eye when I talked to her? Or how she would respond to me with a snarky remark? Gosh I think I love her attitude, even if she did hurt my feelings by rejecting me, I think I fell for her more each time I would approach her. But when she pushed me away, I noticed her attitude was true. Why would she want to be with a vampire who has the title of the ‘ruthless one’ out of the three? I never cared for what others think about me but with her, everything suddenly mattered. I wanted her to accept me for me.

My reputation means everything to me, I am the one who does not show mercy and I am the one to not give second chances. As for her, I would give her endless chances if it means she gets to be mine, only she can get her way with me. I would not let anyone know how her rejection has hit me, I would rather let my anger take over me to let others know she has no effect on me. Why is loving someone so hard? Love for me was always something I viewed as a weakness, look at me for merlin sake, I feel like being locked up in a room and refusing to be out and about. 

It is what I have been doing this past month, I been in my art room staring at a blank canvas. My muse, my inspiration, and my desire to create a masterpiece has left me. Before her I would decorate my walls with weekly original art from whatever came to my mind. And yet when she turned away, my yearning vanished like I drop my helpless dead meal fall to the ground after I drained them. 

A while ago I was painting her, I happened to decide to work outside on a little platform reserved for me only and I happened to spot her in the gardens. I never revealed myself to her but I had a perfect view of her staring off into the distance, the right lighting was even hitting her and the scenery around her was every artist's dream come true. 

I only got to sketch the background because I wanted to spend more time on just her. How she was posing unaware of my eyes on her, how her lips were slightly parted, how the wind picked up her hair slightly after each breeze. How her eyes held so much emotion while her other facial features stayed relaxed. She was and still is breathtaking to me. I could spend hours drawing different sketches of her if she were to let me, I even got an idea of a new statue to add in the gardens, it would be of her.

She’s like a reincarnation of Aphrodite, no I am mistaken she is more bewitching than the goddess herself. How have I gone a millennium's without witnessing such beauty in my life? I need her, she’s my missing muse. 

Y/N POV

When I was finally mentally composed enough I walked down one of the many hallways to head to the throne room. I have a feeling he might be there, I don't know where else he could be and nobody has told me about his whereabouts. I arrive hoping to see him there but only Marcus and Aro along with some of the guards who are within the shadows are there. I want to yell at them but I compose myself. 

“Aro, Marcus, where is he?”

Aro who as always tends to act unaware of things unless it is of interest to him decides to mess with me.

“Where’s who?”

“Look I have kept my patience for a while, but if you dare to test me today I will gladly knock you out again but this time it will be a month”

The hidden guards stepped out from the shadows after my little threat, already recognizing them I knew I could take them down. I was lucky that Jane and Alec were not around because my chances of winning would be low. 

“Why should we tell you where he is? Haven't you hurted him enough? I seen his thoughts I know the suffering you have put him through since your arrival”

I wanted to rip his head off so bad. How dare he meddle into mine and Caius' life? Soul brother or not, what me and Caius go through is our own business. I know he makes some sense about the suffering and pain but I have gone through my own pain also. Marcus settled a hand on Aro shoulder before I could think about attacking him

“Aro it is not our business to intercept into our brother and his mate's issues, my dear y/n he is in his art studio. Felix? Demetri? Would you mind taking her to his studio?”

They were both by my side and led me away. Good thing these two were taking me away, they are the only ones who would manage to stop me from attacking. It was a quick sprint and they nodded toward two large mahogany doors, it looked like it was indeed doors to an art room. It also seemed handcrafted, I had never seen such gorgeous details on a door before. I opened the door slowly to do a small peek into the room to see if he was there. He was there on a stool with a loose button up shirt that was open at the throat and he had some casual black slacks. His hair was a bit messy even and yet he was the most striking being I have ever seen in my lifetime. 

His gaze snapped at me as I was closing the door, his irises were matching his pupil from his lack of feeding. His eyes also matched mine, since I was also pushing away the need to feed. He watched my every move like a cat watches a mouse before pouncing on it.

“What do you want?”

“I-I I want to talk to you”

“Is that so? Took you a month to come to some senses did it?”

Well that hurt, I already knew he was going to be a bit sharp with his words yet that line hit me a bit hard.

Maybe this was a bad idea, maybe I still need time to be able to calmly talk to him. No, no keep yourself together y/n, I need to do this for not only my sake but for Caius.

“Well go on with it, I don't have all day”

“Look if you are going to start having an attitude with me then maybe we need to wait another day then to talk”

“I am not with attitude, I am just trying to get to the point, I don't like to dance around issues”

I took an unnecessary gulp like Carlisle would do when he would break bad news to me.

“I love you”

The pencil he had his hand fell to the ground and that was the only noise that was heard after my words. 

“I know you're probably thinking, how cruel can I be to say that after everything that has happened between us but it's the truth. It's always had love for you within me but I was scared to open that door, you see I wish we could turn back time and I could explain to you everything that has been going through my mind before that fateful day. I wanted to tell you something but you left before I could and-”

“Then explain to me why you have acted like a child”

His voice lost its sharpness, instead it was soft, the same softness his eyes reflected currently. I wanted to melt on the spot by how sweet he looked.

“Before I was turned, my father would display me like some doll to show others of my availability as a wife, when he was not looking the men he was presenting me to would basically undress me with there eyes, some of them would be brave enough and leave lingering touches on me after I would shake their hands, the only males in my life I trusted after that was Carlisle, even in my time when we were apart I was never near civilization, I feared for the day I would have to be around others.” He stood up from his stool but he stayed at a distance from me still.

“When I saw you I thought it was time to heal completely from my trauma, but with the way you would approach me it gave me slight flashbacks from the past, and it made me recoil from you a bit, but at the same time I wanted to be by your side. What didn't even help my case was I had a fear of not being enough for you. How can a vampire like me who has such fears be worthy of a king like you? You deserve someone who doesn't still feel an ick when she’s around others for too long. I felt if we were to talk sooner then we wouldn't be in this position but no you just did a quick and go, made me feel unworthy of your time even”

I wanted to say more but I decided to give Caius a space to talk also, I wrapped my arms around myself for comfort and looked away from him. I feel exposed and anxious just standing here in silence, waiting for him to say something. Please say something already.

“I was not expecting you to even start this with those words”

I knew it was strange to say that but I mean I wanted to reassure him I do have feelings for him.

“I think you make a great point in we should of had a civil conversation at the start of this to avoid our current issues, I-I apologize for my behavior, it was uncalled for and inappropriate of me to try to nurture our bond by seducing you in such a way, you should of been treated like a queen with respect and love. But you are wrong of not deserving me, on the contrary I feel like it's the opposite, you deserve someone better than me, after all the shit I put you through without knowing what you been through, Marcus advised me to be there for you and yet I was hardly there”

I felt my eyes fill with venom again but I was still not looking at him so he was not aware of how I was reacting to his declaration. 

“But at the same time I thought it was a bit foolish of you to try to back away from me, you should know from now on that when it comes to you, you can tell me whatever you want, no matter how harsh or straight forward your words might get, I can take it, you are my mate after all. I never want you to feel uncomfortable around me or feel the need to distance yourself from me either because I cannot bare being separated from you, incase you haven’t noticed I haven't been feeding lately either, much like I can see from your once glowing amber eyes that I manage to fall for, but back on topic we can work on your healing process together, no matter how long it takes we do have forever after all”

I looked up at him finally to be met with eyes filled with venom too. Not really having control over my mind or body I ran to him to pull him into a deep hug. His arms not thinking twice wrapped around me like if it were second nature to him. At that moment it felt as if our issues never existed and we were happy once again, so this is how Marcus felt with Didyme, now I understand why he was so worried for us. I would rather kill every being who dared to harm Caius in any way, than to see him suffer anymore than he needs. We fit perfectly into each other, it felt like we were molded into one another, it felt like home. I'm finally home in the arms of a man I can trust and…love. 

I looked up at him and gave his cheek a kiss. I was going to kiss his lips but decided to pull a Caius in this situation with a simple “Com tempo”. He smiled lazily at me at the sudden realization that I used the same two words he said to me a while back. 

“I'm willing to go into this bond fully, no more avoiding you because that only causes more harm for us. I don't want to be separated from you either because with all honesty the moment I saw your eyes I was enchanted by you, for a moment I saw a whole future with you and even though I was recoiling from you after each encounter with you, I couldn't help but fall for you a bit each time. Even that kiss made my stomach weirdly flip” 

He caressed my cheek with his thumb while his other arm was wrapped snugly around my waist as we was listening to me. Whereas my hands rested on his chest, I was trying very hard not to look at his exposed chest and or his collarbone, because even this small exposure of skin looked like art. 

“I vow to never become one of those filthy sorry excuses of men, if I could I would hunt them down one by one and drain them completely. No one will harm you, I would certainly never dream of creating such misery for you. But why don't we take some time to spend together and just get everything out. Hmm?”

“I would love that Caius”

He leaned in to give my forehead a tenderful kiss that would have woken Sleeping Beauty herself up. 

-------------------

Epilogue 

‘Dear Carlisle, 

As I write to you, me and Caius have come to be in a better position. We are spending more time together and we have brought up any miscommunication we failed to address from the beginning and solved them up one by one. We are at a point where I feel like we have known each other since the beginning of time. I never felt more at home since before mother passed. Caius really is my other half, we even spend hours in his art room, drawing whatever. He tends to create masterpieces of me being his muse. I even included a painting to this package I am sending of the painting I did from my garden here in Volterra.

I feel more comfortable around the others even, that ick I would tell you about is finally gone and I could spend hours with the guards who I have grown close to. I can never forget to tell you how whenever I talk to Marcus, I see a piece of you in him, I miss you so much but this is the closest I have to having you near me. I hope you and Esme plus the kids are doing well enough. Maybe soon enough we'll see each other, and tell Alice I forgive her, I now know her true intentions and I thank her”

Love y/n”

As Carlisle finished reading out loud the letter to Esme he smiled at the part of seeing his sister soon. But he did not forget to mention to Esme a ‘Finally” after realizing his sister is finally happy with her mate.

[ashtheketchum]

●Old times●

Daryl Dixon X fem.Reader

Era: Alexandria (S5)

Summary: The group came to Alexandria and everyone is looking to find a "job" to help this small town. Daryl is very suspicious of this city, but when he sees his neighbor, he no longer wastes any thought about this city.

Warnings: +18 CONTENT, FEM.Reader, unprotected sex, virgin Daryl, virgin Reader, missionary, mention of sickness, mention of violence, angst

Words: 5,4k

Masterlist!

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PoV (Y/N):

Deanna had told us that Aaron had found Rick's group. Alexandria had heard a lot of this Rick and Deanna absolutely wanted this group with us. To be honest, I had a strange feeling that this group would come to us, but then I felt a little fear in me when I learned that this group would sleep next to my house. But I forced myself to smile so that I wouldn't look rude. I was not rude, I was just careful, everything was possible in this world.

When Deanna made a welcome party, I forced myself there for a few minutes because Nicholas had invited me. Everyone was known to everyone, including me. He wanted to talk to me all the time, told me about his runs outside of the walls, and he always invited me to eat. I had nothing against Nicholas, he was nice, polite and also respected my limits, but I didn't wanted to be in a relationship with him. My last relationship, which was before the apocalypse started, didn't ended so well. I had loved my boyfriend at this time, but now I didn't even know if he was still alive. Deep inside I knew that he would still live, but the fear that he was one of these undead was too big.

At the welcome party I stayed on the edge most of the time, but of course Nicholas stayed with me. He kept talking to me and drank out of his glass, but I was somewhere else with my head. Whenever we got new residents, I had hopes to see my boyfriend at the time. We didn´t broke up in good terms, but I loved him. God, okay, I still love him today. "Nicholas… I think i should go home… I don´t feel good." I said softly which made him twitch. He looked at me disappointed briefly, but before he nodded and brought me to the door. "I´ll Bring You Home." Actually, I wanted to be alone, but I let it endure.

So I just nodded politely and we went out. Outside, the pleasant night air bumped into my face and the sky was already black. Fortunately, the path was not so long to my house, so we arrived very quickly and I opened my door. Smiling I turned to Nicholas again, who grinned at me but in a politely manner. "Thank you, Nicholas… have a good night." "Can´t I… come in with you?" A slight panic built up in me, but I immediately thought of an idea of ​​how I could get it to go. Immediately I hit my hand on my mouth and I gave loud choking noises from me. I quickly shook my head and I hit the door shut in front of his nose. Then I breathed deeply behind the door and I slowly sank to the ground.

Hopefully he would not come to me the next morning to ask me how I feel.

In the next morning I baked a few cookies that I had always baked cookies the apocolypse. Each of my contacts had always got these cookies and now here in Alexandria it was no different. I always baked these cookies and since I now had new neighbors, I also wanted to give them some of my cookies. Even if this group sounded terrifying, I wanted to leave a good impression, so I did so.

I had placed the freshly baked cookies on my open window so that they could cool down a little. While the cookies cooled down, I showered quickly and put on fresh clothes. As soon as my hair was dry, I put the cookies in a bowl and I went outside, to my new neighbors. However, it was already a little later, most of them were probably at Deanne and talked to her about new jobs. But I tried my luck and knocked on the door. In short it was quiet, I heard no voices and no steps. Just when I wanted to go back to my house, I heard steps that approached the door, in the next moment the door was open.

"Yah?" A rough voice replied to me. I winced briefly because I was startled, but then I looked at the strange man. He had long hair that slightly covered his blue eyes and he had broad shoulders. I stayed still, my heart stopped and my throat became completely dry. Daryl stood in front of me. Daryl Dixon.

PoV Daryl:

I looked at the woman silently, in her hands she held a bowl of cookies. She seemed to be a little frightened to see me, but when I looked into the bowl, I got a little dizzy. "Daryl…?" Whispered the woman quietly. Her voice let my heart beat faster and I swallowed hard. I thought she had died that she was one of the walkers. But she stood here, unharmed, as beautiful as always. "I-i'm sorry…" She stuttered loudly before putting the bowl on the floor and walking away. I stayed still, watched her disappear into the house next door. Then my gaze went back to the cookies.

These goddamned cookies would have made me throw up before the apocolypse, and I would´ve never thought that I would miss this cookies. But now I stood here, raised the bowl and took a cookie to bit into it. The taste came over me immediately and I grumbled quietly. "Daryl, who was here?" I heard someone ask.

I immediately turned and I looked at Carol. She was the next one going to Deanne and experiencing her new job. Her gaze went to the cookies, then back to me. Her gaze already asked me who I got the cookies from and I was afraid that I had to tell her.

PoV (Y/N):

I lay in my bed and stared at the ceiling. Daryl still lived, I just couldn't believe it. I was so incredibly very happy, but inside I was also afraid. Not from him, I was never afraid of Daryl, but of what was now between us.

<The day before the apocolypse>

I had a violent argument with Daryl. We cried out, insulted each other or broke anything. We had never argued so hard, and I couldn't even remember what we had argued about. But this was also the day when Daryl had completely shocked me. He had given me a slap in the face because I had insulted his brother and him. Somehow it was my fault, I knew that Daryl was looking up at his brother, but I was angry. It just bursted out of me. After this slap I packed my things and I disappeared.

Although it was my apartment, I grabbed my things and disappeared to my best friend. The next day everything started.

Walkers were running around, they bit everyone and spreaded their virus. I only survived because my best friend had sacrificed herself/himself. I fled to the forests in the hope of finding Daryl and seeing if he would be fine, but his house was empty. I ran around panicked until I was taken up by a small group at some point. But this group was also wiped out and I was again the only one who survived. At some point I met Aaron, who brought me to Alexandria. Since then I have lived a good life and I was able to take a deep breath. But Daryl never left my head.

<Present>

And now? Now he´s my fucking neighbour!

I stayed at home all day long. Nicholas came by briefly to bring me a warm soup because of yesterday. Somehow I was grateful to him because I really didn't feel well, but it wasn't a stomach ache. It was a dirty pressure that lived in my chest since I had Daryl in front of me again. So while I played with the soup with my spoon, I suddenly heard that it knocked on my door again. Inside, I prepared myself to be awarded by Nicholas again, but when I opened the door, Daryl stood in front of me.

He looked nervous to the ground, an squirrel in his hand. "I… Brough´ ya food…" He murmured softly and he held my squirrel. Others would have been disgusted or had declared Daryl as a crazy person, but my heart made a jump and my cheeks became red. "… Thanks…" I gently took the dead squirrel from him before I stepped a little to the side. "Do you wanna come in?" Daryl just nodded, to my question and then came in.

It was still an unpleasant silence between us, but I tried to loosen this tension a bit by cooking us some tea and helping daryl to skin the squirrel. It was almost like back then before the world went to shit. We didn't speak much either, only exchanged a few words or I gave him a short smile. When we were finished, we put the squirrel in a pan and made it ready for dinner. "Yar cookies ´re still good…" He suddenly murmured. I turned to him frightened before I smiled shyly and looked down. "Thanks…"

Our atmosphere became a little more relaxed and I was able to talk to him more and more. When we sat down at the table, we ate together and we continued to talk. "… i´ve been lookin´ for ya…" He said suddenly. His eyes went down, so his long hair now covered his eyes even more. I remained silent and I realized that my feelings for Daryl were never really gone. He had searched for me. I would like to know how many nights he was awake and had thought of me? How bad did he felt that he had hit me before all this started? "Daryl… I'm sorry…" "Don´ apologize…" He shook his head lightly, but he still looked down.

Slowly I got up and I went up to him to let my fingers drive through his long hair. Daryl never shrugged when I touched it. He leaned closer and closer to my touches, just like now. He sighed softly before he wrapped his arms around me and buried his face between my breasts. "´though´ ya were dead…" His voice broke my heart, I would´ve never thought that it would break him so much. "But i´m here now… with you…" My words brought him to nod and I smiled slightly.

While my fingers played with his hair, Daryl gently caressed my back. His hands always went to my lower back, never to my ass. We were never really intimate, Daryl had never felt ready because of his body, and I didn't wanted to stress him either. Just like now. We stayed in this position for a while, Daryl had still wrapped his arms tightly around me while I continued to run my hair through his long, brown strands. It was a little unusual to see him with long hair, but he looked really good with them. Daryl only went back to his house when the sun was down.

We stopped on my doorstep and I looked nervous and unsure at him. How should we say goodbye? With a kiss? With a hug? Wave? Were we even still a couple? Too many questions went through my head, but I was thrown back hard into reality when Daryl kissed my forehead. "See´ya…" And with these words he went to his house.

Only when he closed the front door did I go back into my house and I gently put my finger on my forehead. My skin tingled and I felt my cheeks getting warmer. Before the world went to shit, Daryl had always kissed me on the forehead before going away. It was something like a silent promise that he would come back again and again. I could only think of Daryl all night long, but this time in a good way. I knew he was safe, slept next to my house and probably also thought of me. Although it always annoyed me in our old times, I sometimes missed his quiet snoring. But the funny fact about this was, that he only snored when I slept next to him. How can someone who is as quiet as a hunter at the same time be so loud?

I thought of old times all nights and days that I had with Daryl. At this time I found them cheesy or strange, but today I just thought they were great.

When I once asked him to buy something, he brought two squirrels and three fishes back, which he had hunted by himself. I was startled and asked him why he didn't just went to the supermarket which was maybe just 10 minutes away from us. "Don´ need tha´ shit…" Was his only answer to my question. I found it incredibly weird back then, but today I had to grin because of this. I wondered how he would have reacted if I had praised him?

On my birthday he was camping with me and we had to go back home because it had stormed unexpectedly. After that we both were sick and I was incredibly annoyed, but now I had to laugh and think about how lovingly Daryl had taken care of me, even though he was also very sick. Or when we had argued and he ran away. At first I thought that he would never come back, but on the same day there was a huge bouquet on my doorstep with a little note on it which says "´ sorry.". The next day, Daryl knocked on my door and apologized in person then.

When we were together for three years, Daryl had my initials tattooed on his wrist. I found it incredibly cute and I kept stroking the ink when we cuddled or when I was nervous. Sometimes I also caught daryl how he himself stroked these letters when he was nervous. We had experienced a lot together and I hoped that we could continue to do so.

The next day I met with a few neighbors, we always met once a week and we talked about everything. To do this, we sit on my terrace because it had a bank and a Hollywood swing. I had brought us all something refreshing to drink and we talked for a while.

When I was entertained, I saw from the corner of the eye that Daryl went out of the house to get to Deanne's house, he would probably find out his job today. He passed my house and nodded to me briefly, I could see a small smile on his lips. This little smile made my heart beat faster and faster because I knew exactly that he only gave me this smile. "(Y/N)? Helloooo?" One of my neighbors waved in front of my face, which made me flinch. I looked around a bit, my neighbors looked at me confused and worried. My cheeks became bright red when I realized that I had stared at Daryl all the time. "S-sorry… I what just…" "What that one of the new group?" Now my neighbors looked at me even more confused, but a few seemed to understand it and they grinned broadly. "You like him? Why him? He is the weirdest one of all them. " "He's not weird…! He's just… special… I guess." The grin, on my neighbors lips got wider and my cheeks became even more red now. "Don´t look at me like that…" I murmured softly, but that only brought them to laugh loudly.

"Oh my God! I would´ve never thought he's your type! Is it because of his muscles? " "He smiled at you! Maybe he likes you too! " "Do you still have some sexy underwear?" They overwhelmed me with questions and I was slowly becoming dizzy. I hadn't told anyone in Alexandria about Daryl and me. Accordingly, nobody knew that we were together. Or still somehow are…? I don´t know it. "Guys, guys… Let her breathe." The oldest neighbor in our group said then.

I gratefully smiled at her before I cleared my throat and adjusted my clothes, although there was nothing to do with them. I breathed deeply before I tried to somehow avoid. "We knew each other… Before the apocolypse … Nothing more." It wasn't really a lie tho. My neighbors stayed still briefly before they grinned even more and nodded. Fortunately, they no longer asked. When it was evening, I was about to go to bed when someone knocked on my door.

I saw confused at the clock, which showed me that it was 11 p.m. So I took my morning mantle even more confused and I wrapped it around my body so that nobody could see my pajamas. I could never wear anything with long sleeves while sleeping, it had to be a shirt or top and a shorts. And since I didn't want anyone to see me in top and shorts, I wrapped the morning mantle around me. Slowly I went to the door and I opened it quietly. "Daryl?" I saw confused to the archer, which only looked shy at me. In his hand he held a white rose while holding his crossbow with the other. "What are you doing here so late?" "´Was outside… can I uh… Come in…?" His question let me stall a little, but I nodded slightly and let him in.

Daryl putted down his crossbow and pulled out the shoes before I took the rose and put it in a small vase. As I put the vase on the window, Daryl hugged me from behind, his strong arms wrapped around my hip. My breath caught briefly before I looked back at him. "Daryl…? Are you okay …?" "´M sorry…" He wanted to withdraw, but I grabbed his hand and leaned more into his hug. Daryl swallowed audibly, which made me chuckle in my head. Then the archer turned me around and buried his face into my neck. Slowly I wrapped my arms around his neck to pull him closer to me.

"Do you wanna sleep here tonight?" I whispered softly as I played with his hair again. I liked his long hair, I liked it very much. Daryl hummed deeply before he nodded slightly and raised his head to look at me. With my fingers I stroked his strands of hair away from his forehead, so I had a better look at his eyes. His blue eyes sparkled slightly because of the moonlight, which seemed through my window. I smiled at him gently before we went up. We closed my bedroom door before I pulled out my morning mantle and put it on my chair. When I looked at Daryl, I watched him taking off his vest and shirt.

That was another thing I loved about Daryl. No matter how free I walked around, he remained respectful and sometimes even looked away. Sadly I´m the one who stares at the other one. Daryl looked so incredibly good, his broad shoulders, his strong chest, which is equipped with a few hairs, his narrow but stable hip and his strong arms. God, his arms, I had loved the most how they could lift me up with ease and kept me close to him. I loved them and Daryl knew that too. But when my eyes went to his back, my expression became sad briefly. His scars were terrible, a constant memory of his violent father, but I kept showing him that his scars never deterred me. I kissed every of them gently, stroked his back and also massage it.

There were also scars on his chest, much more than before the apocalypse. Probably he had received them through surviving and the fights. "´re ya still starin´ at an old men like me?" He suddenly teased me. My cheeks became bright red before I looked away and giggled softly. Slowly I went towards him and I put my hand over one of his scars, on his chest. "We're the same age, Daryl …" "´m a few years older, woman …" "Only three …" Daryl snorted briefly before I shaked my head.

I licked my lower lip uncertainly before I felt his rough hand on my cheek. We came closer and closer until our lips nestled together. A sigh escaped my lips, just like Daryls, while we moved our lips rhythmically against each other. We closed our eyes while we slowly climbed into bed. Daryl put his hand gently to my side to pull me closer to him. I carefully stroked his cheek, his beard stubble tickled my skin lightly. Breathing hard we loosened from each other and we looked deep into the eyes from the other.

I saw something in Daryl´s eyes that I had never really seen in them. Hunger, lust and pure love. I always saw love in his eyes when he looked at me, but hunger and lust were new. I continued to stroke his cheek, swallowing, the redneck remained calm while he pulls me on his lap. "Do you wanna do this …?" I then asked softly. Daryl only grumbled quietly before he nodded slightly and took my hand to kiss my wrist. He kept the intensive eye contact with me. "Yeh … ´ wanna show ya how much I missed ya …" He then murmured softly against my skin.

His words gave me a light goose bumps and I nodded slightly. Daryl sat up and gently removed my top, so I could let it fall next to the bed. He looked at my bare breasts briefly before looking at my shoulders. He gently put his hands on my sides and he started kissing my shoulder. Panting, I closed my eyes and I put my hands over his back. I gently stroked his scars, which let him breathe in trembling.

He carefully grabbed my breasts and gently massaged them. His touch let me gasp loud because of the mix, his rough skin and his gentle touch, let me moan loudly. Daryl massaged my breasts for a while as he stirred my neck and shoulders with kisses before having his hands drive to my shorts. He stopped briefly. "You can continue, Daryl…" I whispered softly and lifted my pelvis slightly so that it was easier to take them off. The archer grumbled briefly before pulling down my shorts and my panties. When he threw both out of bed, his gaze immediately went to my cunt. "Yar so beautiful …" He murmured softly before he gently pushed me in bed.

I automatically spread my legs so that he could lie between them. Under his pants I could already see his bulge, which twitched from time to time. I looked up at him with bright red cheeks, but Daryl looked at my body very well as if he hadn't seen it for years. Well, he hasn´t seen my body in years. "Daryl …" "Hm?" Only slightly present he answered me, he put his hands on my sides. "I love you … I never stopped …" Then I whispered softly.

The archer immediately flinched, his eyes sparkled briefly before leaning forward to me, with his arms he supported himself. He pressed a loving kiss on my lips as he gently rubbed his pelvis against mine. The fabric, of his jeans, rubbed against my clitoris and I could now feel his hard cock even more. I gently grabbed into his strong arms as I felt that I was getting wetter. Daryl rubbed against me ever tighter, his cold stimulus lock sometimes gave me a cold shiver. "Ah ~…! D-Daryl ~… " I gasped softly and closed my eyes. Daryl just growled softly, but his eyes were very careful. He wanted to see how I felt while he rolled his hips faster and faster against mine. "Ya wan´ more ~?" His voice was rough and they gave me a pleasant shiver.

My nipples got hard and they rubbed his chest slightly. I quickly nodded before I opened my eyes and looked in his eyes. "Yes, please~… Daryl~… i´ve waited so long for this… for us~…" My words let his cock, in his pants, twitch and he growled loudly. Slowly he moved his hips away and he sat up to pull his jeans down. But to his cock tho, I was able to see a huge, wet stain, which immediately let me blush. Daryl hadn't rubbey against me too long and I was already so wet.

Daryl seemed to understand my redness because he grinned briefly before he pulled his underwear down to his knees, and looked up to me. "It's okay … Don´ be emberrassed …" His voice was so gentle and so rough at the same time. I had to gasp loud and I nodded slightly. Daryl supported himself again, with his arms, his lips landed on my cleavage, which he covered with mouth-opened kisses. He went deeper and deeper until his lips closed around my nipple and he sucked gently on it. He twirled the other nipple with his fingers, which made me a whine.

I automatically moved my hips back and forth, hoping to get some friction, but I didn't get anything. Only my breasts got his attention. Daryl covered my chest with smooch stains and sucked greedily on my nipple before he went to the other breast and gave her the same treatment. "Daryl~ … please~ …" I felt that my abdomen contracted, with excitement and my clitoris pulsed even more.

Although he barely touched me, the tears came out of my eyes because of the excitement and I breathed faster and faster. Daryl seemed to feel my excitement because he kissed up to my face again until he gently kissed my lips. "Greedy woman, ha~?" I had to giggle softly, but I nodded slightly. I was really greedy. Greedy for him, after the man that I had loved for over 5 years now. And now I would get this man completely. I could hardly wait, but could you blame me? "It's okay…" And with these words I heard how he positioned himself on my pussy. I looked down between the two of us, to his cock. A few drops of pre-cum was on his tio and they slowly ran down his shaft. Daryl rubbed his shaft between my folds and he moved his hips forth and back. Moaning quietly, I bit my lower lip, my grip around his arms, became a little firmer. "Can I get in~?" "Yes, Daryl~ … Please…" I lay on my back relaxed, in the bed and I looked up at him.

The archer supported himself again, but this time only with one arm. He positioned himself at my entrance with his other hand before he slowly pushed into me. Moaning I closed my eyes, while Daryl now supported himself with both arms now and also closed my eyes. The archer breathed heavily and quickly, while my inner walls sucked his shaft deeper and closely pulled together around him. A strong pain passed through me briefly before this pain turned into lust. When I opened my eyes again, I looked up. Daryl had buried his face into my neck, but I felt his rapid breath and his quick heartbeat while his cock pulsed hard into me. I felt full, but in the good way.

My senses were foggy and I gently caressed his back. I gently stroked his back to show him that he should take time. My gentle touch made him tremble briefly before he raised his head and looked deep into my eyes. His blue eyes looked at me lustfully, his cheeks were red and a few of his strands of hair hung in front of his face. I gently stroked this path and I kissed Daryl gently. "You can move…" I whispered against his lips. Daryl just growled softly before he started moving slowly. He slowly pulled himself out of me, only to sink back into me immediately afterwards. A loud sigh escaped me and I closed my eyes again. “Nah… look in my eyes” I heard the archer moaning quietly.

I immediately listened to him and opened my eyes again. We looked deep into each other's eyes as Daryl kept bumping his hip against mine. I wrapped my legs around his waist to draw him even closer to me. Daryl was still leaning his arms beside my head, his strong arms always tense slightly as he sank deep into me. “I love ya…” Daryl grumbled softly, his voice giving me a pleasant shiver. “I love you too…” After I moaned this, Daryl moved faster.

Our skin slapped louder and louder, and my voice grew louder and louder. I found it increasingly difficult to keep my eyes open, so I closed them slowly. I felt Daryl lean his forehead against mine, and his voice also grew a little louder. My hands went from his back to his arms, into which I pressed my fingernails. The bed between us squeaked loudly and I kept moaning his name as if he were a god. My legs, around his waist, were getting tighter and tighter around his hip, so Daryl couldn't stretch out very far. His strokes were getting faster and shorter, which took my breath away. “G-god, Daryl!” My voice grew louder and my chest raised and lowered faster and faster.

Daryl growled loudly before he started kissing my neck. He gently bit into my skin, which again took my breath away. Although my eyes were closed, they rolled backwards. All I could hear in my room was the sound of our voices and our skin slapping together. Every now and then I would let out a whimper and Daryl a loud growl. Daryl gently bit my throat, which made me gasp loudly. I stretched my back and pressed my breasts against his chest. “D-daryl, fuck!” "Mnhrr… (Y/N)…" Hearing his deep growl, so close to one ear, made me tremble, and I whimpered louder and louder.

I got goosebumps while Daryl raised his head again and looked at my face. I felt his gaze on me, even though my eyes were closed, but I could not open them either, it was almost as if he had enchanted me. Perhaps he had even done so. The next moment Daryl sat up, his hands now gently grasping my hip. Confused, I opened my eyes before tearing them wide open and screaming loudly. Daryl's grip around my hip became firmer and he rammed himself harder into me. I firmly reached into my duvet, tears ran down my face and I curled my toes. “D-daryl…! Oh my god! I’m gonna cum!” I screamed loudly as I stretched my back.

Daryl's tip kept bumping against the magic point of mine that made me see stars. I was so excited, I still "cried" because of the arousal which was getting too much for me to handle. Daryl also grew a little louder, his cock was twitching more and more inside me, that means that he´s also about to cum. As my orgasm rolled over me, I moaned Daryl's name out loud, my pussy tightened tightly around his shaft and sucked even more greedily on him.

The archer gasped in shock before also moaning my name out loud and cuming at me. I felt his hot seeds flow into me. Breathing heavily, Daryl let me go and he pulled himself out of me while I tried to calm myself down. The archer fell into the bed next to me and he sighed loudly into my pillow, making me giggle. “That was good…” I whispered quietly.

Daryl grumbled approvingly before placing his arm on my stomach and pulling me closer to him. Giggling, I kissed his temples while straightening his boxer shorts and then snuggled up to him. “Were ya a virgin?” He asked me suddenly, his voice still muffled by the pillow. His question surprised me a little, but I nodded slightly. “Yeah… were you?” "´f course, woman…" He turned his face to me and looked at me, his eyes tired. Smiling, I kissed him gently before pulling the blanket over us. "I love ya… and 'm sorry for bein´ an asshole..." “It’s okay… you are here now, with me.” We kissed each other again before we both fell asleep. Grinning I fell asleep when I heard his loud snoring again.

[teeny-tiny-revenge]

Came across this in a fic again and I have to vent for a moment here: Ed's hair isn't unclean or not taken care of. Ever. Even at his lowest, in the first two episodes of season two, his hair is light and blows with the wind, it's got perfect waves, there is zero grime in it. Impossible Birds Ed hair has clearly been fairly recently washed, combed out and conditioned. Ed canonically loves soap, and you don't get that hair without owning a comb or brush and frequently working oil into it. He's at sea! The air is salty! It'll dry out your hair, but Ed's hair doesn't ever look dried out. The day he decides to commit suicide he puts his hair up into a lovely bun, with whispy stands framing his face. I have no idea what some people are watching, because Ed taking meticulous care (and most likely also putting pride and love) into his hair is clear, on-screen canon.

Like, if you want to write about how he was neglecting himself in his depression Kraken era? There's plenty there for you on screen as well! He sobs all night, probably sleeps on the floor if he sleeps at all. He doesn't wear his knee brace. He drinks and does drugs (and admits to that being poison to Frenchie!). He's pushing everyone away, he's pushing himself hard into a role that made him passively suicidal even before the breakup depression. He doesn't watch his back during raids At All. There's so much self harm there to address. If you want to, it would probably be plausible to add him not bothering to properly care for any wounds he might obtain during a raid. But he clearly doesn't neglect bathing and hair care. They're probably the only elements of self-care he actually still does during this dark time!

Even rock bottom Ed doesn't neglect his hair. And that says things about him! It's also something I'd love to see actually addressed in fic (will probably write it myself one of these days...): Taking good care of his hair, putting on jewelry, doing his makeup, these are things that seem to bring Ed joy or relief in his darkest moments. Where's my fic about these quiet moments of self-care being a straw he clutches to when everything else is terrible?

I love a good bathing together/doing each other's hair fic. It's intimate and loving! And Stede and Ed are prime material to write a mutual caretaking and bonding over it couple! Ed canonically loves soap and taking care of his hair! And Stede brought an entire fucking bathtub on a ship, the wonderful madman. S1 Stede's hair is always carefully curled, and we know that's not its natural state (it's wavy but not in this manner) from seeing him in S2, away from his certainly plentiful bath and grooming equipment. Stede probably has an hour of daily hair routine! We know he has nice smelling, probably expensive soaps. Where's the fic where they share in this?

There's so much potential! They can show each other their favourite care products! Sometimes they'll work on each other and sometimes not at all! Ed's rich hair oils will make Stede's hair all sticky and weird! Ed will think it's hilarious and adorable, he'll try to ruffle his hair and make it stick up worse and Stede will pout! 🥺 He'll look like this, just with weird spiky hair! One ill-advised day they try putting Stede's curlers in Ed's hair and then they almost can't get them back out because Ed's hair is so long and has lots of natural wave and it'll cling to the curlers and it's awful (they laugh about it afterwards, once Ed has very carefully brushed his hair out again and it no longer pulls at his scalp).

Makeup was a thing done by men and women at the time, especially for aristocrats (as seen in Episode 5), so Stede will know his way around hoity toity makeup, meaning rouges and whites (contained lots of lead, yuck!). Meanwhile Ed does pirate costume makeup for Blackbeard endeavours, that's a whole different thing. And both of these are makeups they don't actually enjoy doing (Stede avoids heavy makeup for the party, and Ed's Kraken makeup is part of his whole Everything Is Awful And I'm Making Myself Feel That look). But we see Ed do nice makeup that seems to be him! On his supposed to be final day on Earth, he cleans away all the Kraken coal, he cleans up his cabin, he gets rid of drugs, booze, Izzy (everything that was harming him), he does up his hair really nice and in a style that's very much Not Blackbeard, and he puts on a gorgeous bit of eyeliner that really brings out his eyes. And now that they're safe and happy together, when Ed decides he wants to look pretty today, not only can Stede lose his marbles over the look, Ed can also show him how to make his own eyes pop like that. They can stand in front of their mirror together, giggling and trying not to poke anyone in the eye.

Like. This is a fancy bathroom items for fancy bathroom items couple. They will bond over their love of bubble baths and nice smelling soaps and soft oils for hair and skin! They will learn each other's routines and how to do them just right for them. Let Stede learn that Ed loves his baths scalding hot (Stede has to wait a while for it to cool before he joins him in the tub because he'll get all pink and lightheaded). Let Ed learn how to put in Stede's curlers for him if Stede wants his hair to look extra fluffy the next day. Let Ed learn to massage Stede's back and Stede learn to massage Ed's knee. There's so much potential for loving caretaking with this ship. The trope doesn't at all require Ed to not know or not want to take care of his hair and hygiene. Fuck's sake.

[kingofpopmj]

hii. can you please do an imagine, where michael in his mature era (aka: mac daddy mike), has a naive soon to be wife, and she doesn't know ANYTHING about sexy times, so Michael decides to teach her. Please and ty

Oooo hunni! You guys keep summoning Naughty Nevaeh lol

Here you go! I hope you enjoy.. 🙈

Let Me Fill You With My Dreams

Michael and I had finally arrived home after a long day full of appearances. It was unlike anything I’d ever experienced before. The hysteria that follows Michael wherever he goes is unfathomable, yet he handles it with such grace. Usually, we keep a safe distance at public events, I appear more so as apart of his entourage than his partner, but it’s how we planned it. However, that was all in the past, now that I’m his fiancée we decided I’d be by his side. We were more than ready. As always he was extremely protective of me and made sure I felt safe. We announced our engagement only a few days prior. Michael and I were elated, the media on the other hand was relentless, I was labeled a gold digger, Michael was attacked and mocked— nothing too out of the norm, which pissed me off to no end, but he insisted I bite my tongue. He ensured me that he could handle it. It was tough to say the least. The noise surrounding us was so hateful— so loud and they were all rooting against us. It was infuriating. Unfortunately, as much as I tried to ignore the noise, it successfully added fuel to the flames of my own insecurities and I had no idea how to come clean to Michael, but it had to happen and soon.

“Baby?” I heard Michael’s voice, along with his footsteps nearing his— our bedroom— where I was currently hiding. “There you are! What’s wrong?”

“Hi. Nothing. Nothing” I answered quickly.

“You haven’t been yourself all day. I know these events can be draining. The crowds of people, the bright lights and the screaming. It’s a lot to get used to. If you don’t like them I promise I won’t force you to attend. I’ll understand. It won’t upset me.” The concerned look on his face made the knot in my stomach tighten. “Are you having doubts? Do you not want to get married?” My heart ached at the pain evident in his voice.

“No! Michael, of course not. I love you.”

“I love you more.”

“I’m sorry. I know I wasn’t the best date tonight.” I tried to ease my way into this conversation.

“Did I do something wrong?”

“No. It’s just last night—”

“I knew it. I’m sorry if I did too much. I was trying to be spontaneous you know? I completely understand if you want to wait until our wedding night. No matter what it’ll be perfect.”

“It’s not that I want to wait.”

“Talk to me.” He whispered with pleading eyes.

“I’m— I’ve never really— I don’t—” I began stuttering, unable to complete a sentence, my hands trembling as I tried desperately not to hyperventilate.

“Woah. Okay, breathe. Baby, it’s okay. Everything is okay.” Michael wrapped his arms around me, leaving a kiss on my forehead and began to sing to me softly.

Every night she walks right in my dreams

Since I met her from the start

I'm so proud I am the only one

Who is special in her heart

The girl is mine

“Keep going.” I smiled into his chest, loving the sound of his voice.

“Baby, if you wanted me to sing for you, all you had to do was ask.”

“You’re so annoying.” I playfully rolled my eyes, moving to sit on the bed.

“I’ll keep going if—” he paused dramatically, putting his hand in the air. “You tell me what’s on your mind. You can talk to me about anything.”

“I’m nervous about going further because—” I drifted off, feeling overwhelming embarrassment. “I’m a virgin.” I said barely above a whisper.

The only clue I was given that Michael heard my confession was how his grip on my hand loosened before pulling away all together. This was just what I was afraid of, he’s going to leave me.

“I should’ve told you sooner. I’m sorry Michael. I understand if—” I couldn’t bring myself to finish the sentence, so instead I slowly twisted the engagement ring off my finger, trying to fight the tears that threatened to fall as I reached my hand out to return the ring to Michael.

“No. No. I don’t want it back. No. Baby, it belongs right here.” He spoke softly, he sat down next to me as he slid the ring back onto my finger. “Thank you for telling me. I’m sorry if I pressured you. It wasn’t my intention.”

“I don’t feel pressured. I want to. I want to be with you. I just— I’m terrified of disappointing you.”

“You could never disappoint me.” Michael moved closer to me, pulling me into his chest. “I love you so much.”

Suddenly, I didn’t feel afraid, with the weight of my confession finally off my shoulders, I was able to feel something else. Love. Desire. Yearning. Craving. It was all I could feel and I couldn’t help myself— I couldn’t wait any longer. I looked up at him, his beautiful chocolate brown eyes staring back at me. I grasped at his collar with my fingers, pulling him into me, desperately needing him as close as possible. He kissed me back, his hands finding the small of my back, holding me tenderly. I moved into his lap, straddling him as our kiss intensified. I began to unbutton his shirt, before I heard Michael’s voice.

“Slow down.” He gently took my hands into his. “Baby, we don’t have to do this right now. I’ll wait as long as you need. You’re more than worth the wait.”

“All I need is you. Right now. I’m ready.”

“Are you positive?”

“Yes, just maybe talk me through it? Teach me a thing or two? I really want you to enjoy it.”

“Baby, I’m already enjoying it.” He smiled, gesturing to the erection poking into my inner thigh. “Just call me Professor Jackson.” He said, with a flirtation wink.

“You’re making me blush!” I giggled, burying my face in his neck. “I’m trying to be serious! Sexy even..”

“You’re always sexy. You don’t have to try.” He spoke lowly, picking me up, laying me back on the bed as he placed himself between my legs. “Oh, I can do serious.”

“Michael!” I yelped, feeling his warm hand slipping underneath my dress, moving up my thigh teasingly.

“Relax. Let me teach you.”

“Please. Teach me.” I begged, the anticipation building as his hand hovered between my legs, fiddling with the lace of my panties. Michael kneeled down in front of me, causing the air to get stuck in my lungs.

“Do you trust me?” He whispered, his breath tickling my thigh. I was desperate for more.

“Yes.”

“Yes what?” He asked, looking deep into my eyes, his long fingers slipped underneath the lace, his touch sending a shiver throughout my body.

“I trust you, Professor Jackson.”

“Oh, that sounds so much better coming out of your beautiful mouth.” He smirked, kissing me and quite literally taking my breath away. He ripped off the lace that covered my modesty, this side of Michael was quickly becoming my favorite.

I felt an overwhelming urge to scream as Michael began moving his fingers in a circular motion. My breathing becoming unsteady, struggling to process the pleasure I was feeling for the very first time.

“It’s all about touch.” He whispered. “It comes naturally once you stop overthinking.” His pace increasing as he spoke. “When two people are as connected as you and I— every kiss, every touch, everything feels— amplified.”

“Michael! Michael!” My body shaking, falling back into the mattress, suddenly I didn’t feel his fingers anymore. I felt something else— something even better. I slowly glanced down, seeing the top of Michael’s head, his face buried between my legs. The sight alone was enough to drive me crazy. I could feel his tongue, the way it curved, the way it moved, the way it sent shocks of electricity through me. My back arched, unintentionally thrusting my hips forward, locking my leg around the back of his neck. I began to curse profusely, feeling his hand slowly travel up under the fabric of my dress, the skin to skin contact made me shiver as he took a firm hold of my breast.

“Oh! My!” I felt a build up in my core, gripping the comforter tightly, attempting to ground myself, but there was no use. My thighs clenched around Michael’s head as a sound fell from my lips— one I didn’t know I was capable of.

“Just breathe.” I heard his voice, as his fingers slid the straps of my dress down my arms. He leaned down kissing and sucking down my neck. I squeezed my eyes shut. “I got you.”

“Please—” I pleaded between my gasps for air. I had no idea what I wanted. I just knew I didn’t want this to end. Not yet.

“I’m going to try something first.” Michael said before I felt his lips on my nipple. “How does that feel?”

“So good.”

“Open.” Michael murmured, gently tapping my knees. I did as I was told, watching as he removed his pants, taking a place in between my legs.

“Is it going to hurt?” I said quietly.

“I’d never hurt you.” He grabbed my arms, placing them above my head and intertwined our fingers. “I’ll go slow.”

As he looked into my eyes, the sensation of him entering me ignited a flutter in my chest, tears of pleasure puddled my eyes and I squeezed his hands so tight I began losing feeling in my fingers. Once he was fully buried inside of me he made gentle movements by rotating his hips in small circles. The tingle that raced through me was indescribable. I never knew that this feeling existed, but now that I do, I was sure that the reason was because subconsciously I was waiting for Michael.

“Michael!” I cried, ripping one hand free, tightly gripping his shoulder, digging my finger nails into his skin.

“Y/N, baby, you have to loosen up.” He said sweetly, unwrapping my legs that were locked around him. “Now, I can do this.” He started carefully moving in and out of me. As great as it felt I craved more. “How does that feel?”

“God. I love that.”

“I have an idea.” Michael said, moving away from me, I frowned, ready to protest until he laid on his back pulling me on top of him.

“What are you doing?” I panicked, at the extreme withdrawal and our new position.

“Teaching.” He smirked. “You’re going to learn how to ride me.” He said so seductively it gave me goosebumps.

“What if I hurt you?”

“You won’t. Just follow my instructions. All you have to do is—” He guided my hips with his hands, explaining what I had to do, but I couldn’t hear a thing. I was to focused on wanting him inside of me again. As he spoke I slowly spread my legs, coming closer to him until I felt his tip. The rush it gave me was so intense, my knees slid further across the silk comforter and I felt our full connection again. Michael’s eyes widen at my speed, he briefly glanced down, admiring how I took him whole. “Oh god!”

“Oh crap! Did I hurt you?” I panicked.

“No. No. It feels amazing. I just— wow. You’re a fast learner.”

“Well, I have a great teacher.” I slowly began to move my hips, watching Michael bite his bottom lip, his hands squeezing my thighs firmly.

“Baby. You’re gonna make me—”

“Make you what?” I questioned, slowing my pace, waiting for his answer. “Am I doing this wrong?” I felt my cheeks heat up from embarrassment as I stopped my movements all together.

“Don’t stop!” He moaned loudly. Holy shit. That was so hot. I began moving my hips like my life depended on it. Michael had beads of sweat on his forehead and his chest was glistening. “Baby, I’m gonna— I’m almost—”

“Michael!” I begged, Michael pulled me down onto his chest as I felt him twitch inside of me.

“You feel so perfect.” He purred in my ear as we lay still for a few seconds before Michael excitedly propped himself up on his elbows. He rolled us over, so he was now looking down at me. I laid against the mattress with a confused look on my face.

“We’re gonna be here all night.” He finally spoke as he touched my lips with his.

“Well, I do have more to learn. If you’re interested in teaching into after school hours.” I teased, wrapping my legs around his hips.

“Your wish is my command.” He declared, kissing me sweetly before he started up again, his quick pace taking me by surprise.

The wooden bed frame shrieked against the floor boards with each thrust. Our kiss becoming sloppy, needy even. Everything felt so intense. I couldn’t catch my breath, but I didn’t care. As long as Michael stayed on top of me, beneath me— inside me, I didn’t care about anything else. It’s just us.

“Amazing.” I breathed out, working up the courage to speak. “Can I— can I try to use my mouth?” I asked nervously, staring straight up at the ceiling. Michael slowed down, dragging his finger along my jawline, forcing me look into his eyes.

“Baby, you can do whatever you want to me.”

[sherlockig]

Hello my little grieving friends (aka my CREW!)

I just want to talk about how much our flag means death has given me. I have not had internet friends since i were a teenager. They all kind of disapeared over time in the same way as high school classmates went away. I have been on this blog on tumblr since 2010 and i have never experienced what ofmd has given me. Not even in my very derranged ca 5 year long sherlock-era did i get to befriend and know this many amazing people who live in my phone. Some of you have come and gone and that is life, but some of you are still here and I hope I get to keep you here for a very long time. Max can not stop us and I want to be here with you until tumblr is put down like the beloved rabid pet it is.

I think we are all taking the news very hard and I think it's important to remember what it is all about really. It's about love and family and above all else the crew so i just want to show some love for my beloved mutuals. And i hope maybe some of you will be inspired to do the same because its what we need in these dark times. We need to be a lighthouse guiding each other to shore.

First of all @gentlebeard - Ella💕 my beloved honey 🍯 I can not explain properly or even believe how lucky I am that I found you and that I get a little good morning from you every day. We have been talking every single day since the first message over a year ago and I don't remember or want to remember how i survived before that. I will treasure the time i spent drinking pina coladas on your balcony in the sun forever and i hope i will get some more time on that balcony this summer. I have found a pirate bar in Sweden so we can continue our expensive pirate drinks theme that we started in Berlin. There is no one else i want to spend 6-8 hours talking to over the phone.💕My partner in crime, lasagna partner and floor person or whatever nicknames we have come up with during this time. You are not just the perfect friend to have, you are also funny, sweet, smart and a expert at making fanvideos that make me cry my heart out and laugh my lungs up - sometimes at the same time 💕💕

@blakbonnet - Meow my darling💕 you were the first one i really started to talk to in the fandom and i am so glad i did. You brighten my days and i love talking to you you brilliant humanbeing (i often find myself thinking i have listened to much to cabin pressure because i struggle to use any other word than brilliant to explain things.. the Arthur runs deep in me) also thank you for being my personal skincare guide in life!! Your fics, your art, your edits, your gifs, your meta the whole you make my dash a better place and we are all happy to have you! There is nothing you are not good at and i am both a bit jealus and impressed by you. Its Meows fandom we all just live in it 💕💕

@youshouldseemeinadeerstalker - Nes my dear💕 We may not be talking very often but I know I always have you there. I loved our vacation together and we had so much to talk about that we didn't even realize that the same song kept playing in my car so long that it messed up my spotify wrapped. It was amazing taking naps with you outside ruins of castles and in botanical gardens and living together in the worlds smallest hotel room. I hope we can get lost together in more cities than Hamburg and Copenhagen. (preferably without rain and sickness and maybe with a map) 💕💕

@darkinerry - Marlena 💕 its a pleasure getting weather and work updates from you and i am always interested in knowing what you have been up to and what you have to say. It brightens my day, please never stop!! Your videos and gifsets can make any day better and you are always kind and funny which are two things i appreciate hugely in my friends!! 💕💕 + You have the coolest haircut out of all my mutuals 😌

@aha-my-villainous-thoughts - Ash my wife💕 my love💕Nothing can make me scream, blush and giggle as much as your fanart. You have this style of everything you make from fanart to dolls to interior design that is so special and breathtaking. One day we will drink so many lattes in a cosy cafe and then sniff lush products for the rest of the day. 💕 You are always there for me - as a online shoulder to cry on or to motivate me with the smuttiest wips ever. I am happy to be mutual married to you 💕💕

@bizarrelittlemew - Ida 💕- my thirsting for rhys brother in arms. I can not imagine tumblr without your gifs or your posts. I love screaming with you over a picture of rhys darbys bicep. I am so happy i got to meet you this summer and i really hope it will happen again. We are not that far from each other, just some miles and a stupid bridge; we can make it. You are always a sweetheart and an incredible friend who write the hottest fanfiction ever💕💕

@dickfuckk - josh 💕 (who I also thought for a long time was called tyler) I dont know where the fandom would be without your bts blog! its a international treasure and a service to humanity. i don't know how you do it. 💕You always have everything i have ever been looking for and as a bonus you are witty and funny like no one else. I am so happy i got to meet you and spend a whole day in your company! 💕

@izzy-b-hands - Holden my absolute darling!💕 I am so glad I got the chance to get to know you! You are smart, funny and kind and my izzy mutual tm. You are always there for me with kind words and I am still forever shipping izzy and the third badminton brother which I think is the best headcanon I have ever helped coming up with. 💕

@funforahermit - Kristina 💕 Your love for Rhys and your gifs are a staple on tumblr and my dash. I know where to go when i need someone to understand how hot Steve is (even if we have agreed that he is yours and Murray is mine which i still think is a fine deal). I very often make or see a picture of Rhys and my first thought is "I NEED TO SHOW KRISTINA THIS" so you live rentfree in my brain 💕

@rainbowcrowley - Addi 💕If i ever start playing wow again you bet i am gonna be talking your ear off about my little frost mages progress but in the meantime i am happy to have you on my dash and even if we don't talk that much are you a beloved part of my dash and brighten it daily.💕💕

@fandomsmeantheworldtome - Maria💕 You were one of the very first people i found in this fandom and your gifs might have helped my rhys obession taking form. You might be into many things I have never heard of but its a pleasure seeing your excitement over everything. You are always a ray of sunshine and i love that so much💕💕

@tabbystardust - Tabby dear💕 You are the kindest person I know who I always get the strongest need to hug and hold close. Your fanart is beyond this world and i adore it like nothing else. Its always both hot and soft in the best way ever💕 I am always excited to get kitty updates and to hear about your ramen receipts. I hope we can still meet at the con next year! I am game if you are!! 💕💕

@hummingbee-o0o - Humming 💕 (i dont know your name sorry) I am always excited to hear your thoughts and metas about everything ofmd related as well as your beautiful art. 💕 it was a pleasure to scream about season 2 after every watched episode!💕

@xoxoemynn - Emy 💕💕 i am so happy to be mutual with you! 💕You always bring joy to the people who get to be around you and fill my dash with the same. We might not talk often but i know you got my back! That is the kind of person you are!💕

@saltpepperbeard - Jodi💕 No one write tags on tumblr dot com like you. There is nothing that can cheer me up more than see that one of my posts has gotten a whole ass novel written in the tags and then i instinctively know that its you who have left your wonderful mark. You are always excited and such a lovely human to be mutual with. 💕 And on top of that you make incredible gifs that make my heart stop!!! 💕💕

@autumnbois - Kai 💕💕 I hope you are doing okay. We might not talk much right now but you were there for me when i needed it most and you are a good friend to have living in my phone.💕💕 I will think of you whenever i see something related to scream and your love for piccrew always make me smile💕

@edsbacktattoo - Jams, jams jams! 💕 We are never online at the same time because of the damn time differences *shakes fist* but you are a staple in this fandom. Your art is incredible and you are the sweetest cookie in the jar. You are funny and always spread good energy to everyone around you and I love that with my whole heart💕💕

@kiwistede - Sam 💕 Your love for stede and rhys is unmet and i love you for that. You are always a good source for some rhys darby insanity and we all know that is what i treausure most here in life! 💕💕

@stedesearring - Kaitlin💕 You are the sweetest and kindest soul out here always spreading joy and love like the sun of my dash. 💕 I always love seeing you and i am happy to have the pleasure to have you as a friend in my phone! 💕💕

@stedebonnets - Ara 💕 Where would we be without your gifs?? without your joy?? without your blog?? without you?? No one knows! I am so happy to call you a mutual and friend and you always bring a smile to my face. Always!!💕💕

@appleteeth - Liz 💕 No one is quite as normal about rhys darby as you and it a pleasure to watch! Speaking of pleasure.. your fic the slightest touch is an all time favorite of mine and i would be embarrassed to tell you how many times i have read it... you are one of my mutuals that i am baffled that they want to follow me. Its a privilege! 💕

@as-a-creww - Caroline dear 💕 You are a beloved mutual and your blog are a permanent part of my dash and i want to keep it like that! you are the friendliest of the friendliest and what is more important than that?? 💕💕

@nandorisms - Ed dear💕 Your shameless reblogs makes the world go around. You are always sweet and a much needed wwdits addition to my life. I count you as a dear friend living in my heart!💕

@londonlock - Londie! 💕💕 The only sherlock mutual i have left and i am very happy to have kept you! 💕 I might have left those days behind me but you know as well as i that sherlock lives in my soul and seeing some sherlock and john love on a daily basis keep me grounded and on top of that are you such a romantic and beautiful human being! 💕💕

@follovver - Tanya 💕 My fellow Swedish ofmd fan! I am very happy to have found you! its nice to be able do discuss it in my mother tongue and i hope we one day can do it live! its to bad we never met when we went to the same uni (or maybe we did but didn't know) Du är fantastisk!! 💕

@wastingyourgum - Al💕(which i always read in my head as artificial intelligence and giggle because it make me feel like you are a robot) My fellow rhys friend. You bring me doses of darby when its most needed and your blog is always on fleek 💕💕

@xray-vex - Xray 💕 100 % one of my funniest mutuals!💕💕 You make hilarious posts that no one else could even dream of coming up with! Always top tier blog content and what more can a girl ask for??💕

@jellybeanium124 - Nina💕 I can not imagine my blog without you! Your posts are always a delight and you are so nice and sweet and funny and incredible (even when you make math mistakes kisses kisses) You bring a honest joy into the fandom that we could not live without! 💕💕

@thunderwingdoomslayer - Nellie 💕 My official rhys darby gif provider who I come to as if i needed a new hit of an illegal substance. I salute you and thank you for your service!💕💕

@forestofsprites - Green my dear 💕You might have gone from ofmd to be the supernatural provider of my dash but that does not stop you from being the kindest forest spirit i know. Your presence is calming in a way i can not explain and i am glad to have you and your love for meg here.💕💕

@cheersmequeers - Kate💕💕 A big puzzle piece to bring my dash together. Always filling it with my favorite gay pirates and i love having you here. Always friendly and full of love.💕💕

@sugashook - Sugaaa💕💕 You know i am in love with your art! Your art is always on top and it bring me back to life every time. I keep the dress i bought from you on the outside of my closet so every morning its the first thing i see and it sets the day right!💕💕 I wear your art on my tshirt to the gym as often as i can hoping to lure in a ofmd fan between the weights but that has not happened yet sadly!! Never stop making your art!! The world would be at loss if that happened 💕💕

@lacefuneral - Jay 💕(should be called YAY because that is what i say when i see a new selfie or fashion post from you) You are a fantastic friend and i love your love for stede and you are always kind and patient in a way that makes me comfortable to ask you questions about something i might not be familiar with. You are forever my moth mutual in my mind 💕💕

@meanmisscharles - Charles 💕 In my head i call you charles but i don't think that is your name but i hope its okay with you! Always friendly and sweet but ready to fight the bullshit the other spread! and such a source for good music recommendations!! 💕💕

@forpiratereasons - Darcy 💕literary no one does it like Darcy! Aways bringing the best ofmd posts to my dash and ensuring i don't miss anything! You are incredible! 💕💕

@blackbeardskneebrace - Miles my dear 💕 You make incredible art both the cute and amazing ofmd art but also the gorgeous historical art you post. Its a pleasure to see you talk about history but also about our beloved gay pirates. Your snoopy ofmd art will live in my heart forever and i think it might be healing me a bit. Maybe even watering my crops and clearing my skin! And those valentine ofmd arts from last year. I am 100 % gonna bring them back this February like beloved decorations you store in the attic. 💕💕💕

@awkward-fallen-angel - Heather 💕 You are one of the sweetest people i have had the pleasure to come across. You bring a big excitement and attention to the things you like and it moves along to everyone near. I mean i have watched long critical role videos just because you spoke so warmly about them and i wanted to know what it meant. I love having you here. 💕💕

@mxmollusca - Mx 💕 (dont know your name so i am just calling you that) I mean you are an incredible writer. I have only managed to read ifwts once because i cried so much that i am scared to open it again because i might just never stop crying. You are creative and funny and absolutely totally normal about rhys darby which in my book is a very good thing to be. And besides that you are a very friendly and nice mutual who is always a pleasure to interact with. 💕💕

@poisonintopositivity - Lilias💕 We have not talked much but we have been mutuals for a very long time and i hope you know that i appreciate you greatly as a mutual and you always but the best posts on my dash!💕💕

@glam-hutchence - Birb 💕💕my dear bird lover! You are a sweet potatoe and i love reading about your love for music and the concerts you go to.💕 Its so nice to take a little part of your life. You are always there for me and i always get happy when i talk to you. You are like a little happy pill! 💕💕

@turtles-on-turts - Turts 💕 Whenever i see a turtle i think about you. Its your brand! You make amazing art! and the ones on canvas always blow me away. 💕💕 Its incredible. You are also so very pretty and i have that picture of you in your depression robe with all the pigeons imprinted in my mind because it such a cute one. You are always very friendly and i love reading your personal posts as well. 💕💕

@vonlipwig - Franky 💕 You bring me lots of normality about rhys darby but these days also a huge bunch of normality about david tennant which i appreciate a lot. You are very nice and i stand by my assesment that you have a very cool aura!💕💕

@haeva - Mar my beloved💕 You bring me my wifes emily and valkyrie and a bunch of amazing posts about everything i can imagine. You are loving and sweet and good at maths which i am always very impressed by. I love being your mutual and doing ask games with you is a pleasure!💕💕

@mykonossalome - Myko💕 When i see moomin i think of you because i know how much you love it. We dont talk as much as i would like but the interactions we have had has meant a lot to me and i love seeing you posting about the things you love! 💕💕

@cottoncandiescupcakes - Cupcake 💕 I love that you are always so excited over our boy the swede and its a pleasure to compare language with you. We can continue fighting if the swede belong to the dutch or the swedes but that is a pleasure!💕💕

@mister-brightside - Andrea my dear💕. Your art is always perfect and whenever i see a picture of izzy giving the middle finger i think about you! Its your brand and its your picture now and no one can change that. You are sweet and caring and a lovely mutual to have. thank you!💕💕

@merryfinches - Kylie 💕 What can i say more than that i ADORE your fanart. The colours the style the softness of it all is exactly what we all need in these times. Every single time it shows up on my dash it makes my heart grows softer and my love grow stronger! I love it so so much. 💕

@ofmd-ann - Ann 💕 You glorious glorious gifmaker! Your gifs are always beautiful and these last days you have saved me with your wrecked edits. As a supplier of rhys darby gifs i love you forever. You are a hero love. 💕💕

@usersukuna - Bia 💕You are a gif magician. Your gifs are perfect and you are also very kind and sweet and i am so glad i can call you a mutual! You light up tumblr like no one else and i am always happy to see you on my dash.💕💕

If you are not in this list it does not mean that i dont love you or have forgotten about you it means that tumblr has put a limit to how many people you can tag which sucks. But if i follow you then it means i love and appreciate you. 💕💕💕 And you know what? We will make it through this hard and trying times of greedy streaming services putting an end to our gay pirates show. I love you all and you know what??

We will make it through as A CREW!

[tlonista]

A whole mess of Astarion hurt/comfort fanfic recs

OK fine I've read so much Astarion hurt/comfort-adjacent fic that I should really put together an incomplete rec list. Be warned that with Astarion's canon backstory there's a lot of abuse and assault references of varying explicitness, so check the AO3 tags. I'm also limiting myself to one fic per author because otherwise I'd end up with several pages of Asidian and FlowerCitti. In case you're wondering, my personal contribution to the field is Seducere.

Ongoing Fics:

innocence died screaming by FlowerCitti

Comprehensive pre- and in-canon Astarion character study. Contains possibly the most heartwrenching post-Astarion-locked-tomb-era turn I've ever read. Very good.

Another Path by Asidian

A sweet Wyllstarion monster hunter x monster no-tadpole AU in which Astarion gets captured/rescued by Wyll straight out of a year in a coffin and navigates basic human kindness for the first time in a couple centuries.

Seen by ayvaines

Modern Bloodweave AU where Cazador is Astarion's cruel, controlling boyfriend and Gale is the kind D&D GM who's hosting them both in a game. As makes sense for a modern AU, it's a more-understated-than-canon take on Astarion coming to terms with the fact that he's in an abusive relationship, working out his feelings about Cazador through tabletop roleplaying, including some clever scenes dealing with the bleed of intense RPG sessions.

Heartbeats by LadyRagnelle

Canon-divergent Durgestarion fic where Astarion was recaptured by his siblings, memory-wiped, and then rescued by a team of companions he no longer remembers. A lot of well-executed (and sometimes surprisingly funny) angst around Astarion, charlatan that he is, trying to pretend he hasn't forgotten absolutely everything including how to be a non-level-1 rogue and have friends.

The stars began to burn by peregrinefeathers

Gale is trapped in fantasy nullspace and gets Astarion free of Cazador's clutches, after which they navigate an odd-couple relationship while trying to kill Cazador and pull Gale back into the physical world. Another classic "Astarion learns what human decency is" no-tadpole AU.

Memoir by IzzyIzGay

An Interview with the Vampire-style fic in which Astarion tells Gale about his time under Cazador, playing with that series' trademark unreliable narration and an unusually literal version of Cazador's creepy family dynamic.

Starved by neo7v

A modern non-magical Bloodweave AU featuring Astarion and the lonely degradation of a precarious service industry job! Only a few chapters so far, but seriously, it takes the "vampiric starvation" theme in a direction that's very mundane and miserable and compelling and it's one of my favorite recently started fics.

Unexpected Guests by Erandir

Another "get loved and cared for, sucker" no-tadpole AU featuring a non-Tav druid OC taking care of a lost Astarion who's escaped Baldur's Gate. Astarion and druids, the perfect foil.

Through The Night Dark And Drear by JJJSchmidt

Astarion is accidentally bargained off to an archfey by Cazador and taken to the palace of infuriatingly confusing fair folk magic! There's still a lot of story left to be uncovered, but I love the worldbuilding and fairy-tale premise.

snare by parsnipit

A Halstarion fic where Astarion never got tadpoled and the gang ends up rescuing him from Cazador, post-game, with his compulsions very much intact. Which leads naturally to hissing wet cat Astarion reluctantly learning to trust Halsin while they plot to take down Cazador.

One-Shots:

Quick Step by starkraving

starkraving's another person who could have made up a big chunk of this list, and this character study plays really well on the classic "how the hell does Astarion know how to be a rogue anyway" fandom conversation. My favorite entry in a good and growing series of Astarion-centered fics.

Gifts by Feena_c

Astarion gets caught by Cazador before the confrontation at the palace. Impeccable "Cazador doesn't realize Astarion didn't just come back to Baldur's Gate, he came back loved" vibe, as Cazador tries to break Astarion by taking away the gifts the tadpole gang gave him along the way.

What is Affection but the Absence of Cruelty by Aztec24

One of my favorite tropes is "Astarion tortures himself by obsessively imagining how awful these perfectly nice people will be to him," and this very much delivers. Featuring a rare two-Tavs-plus-Astarion throuple!

The Mimic by ForsakenFlyingCircus

This is really hurt-no-comfort, but I'm including it because it's a good super sad take on dehumanization with an awful Tav confirming all the worst things Astarion thinks about himself and the world, touching on the whole problem of sentient monsters in D&D.

Peel the scars from off my back by WitchyBee

A Spawn Family fic in the aftermath of Astarion getting Cazador's contract on his back - lots of antagonistic but grudgingly caring sibling interaction and Astarion being satisfyingly ambivalent about it all.

Complete Multi-Chapter Fic:

Just A Taste by NightmareGiraffe

The tadpole gang gets imprisoned at Moonrise Towers and Astarion accepts an offer from Araj Oblodra in exchange for their freedom. A very dark yet totally in-character elaboration on the canon blood merchant encounter, plus a cool dragonborn Tav.

The Accountant’s Guide to Taking Down an Evil Vampire Lord (and maybe bagging Astarion while you are at it) by Cinnamontails

A charming f!OC-who-isn't-Tav/Astarion longfic that combines hurt/comfort with het romance novel conventions, which I feel like is rarely pulled off.

And I know there's a ton I missed here -- god this fandom is big.

[kaurwreck]

Oh I loved your post about the whole guild arc and ADA&PM complicated relationship, that was beautifully written and it captured everything that I couldn't put it into words myself.

And the way you talked about Mori? Thank you, thank you thank you! While I'm don't mind the fandom misinterpretation of characters, it was quite refreshing to see someone talk about Mori as a human being that's not purely evil.

Now if you if you don't mind.. I need to know your opinion on this hypothetical theory: that Mori regrets everything he has done to Dazai and Yosano (this is canon) and he is actually trying to change and do better (the hypothetical part).

This is why he wants both Dazai and Yosano back, other than the fact that he cares for them, he also wants to try again and do better.

My reason for saying this is:

Looking at chaptet 14, if everything is taken at face value, when Mori makes the strategic decision to sacrifice Akutagawa for avoiding an all-out turf and keeping peace, it's really similar with how he sacrificed Oda to avoid bigger conflicts in future**.

But while looking at the meeting Higuchi had with Mori at the start of the chapter, somethings bothered me 1) Mori's inscrutable stare at Higuchi's reaction when he mentioned the possibility of Akutagawa not recovering 2)how Mori specifically lets Higuchi to know what will becomes of Akutagawa's situation and what PM's solution for it would be.

This made me think Mori knew what action Higuchi would take later and was counting on it. Plus I'm pretty sure Mori knows Akutagawa and Gin are siblings, so he also knew Gin also would go save her brother.

And I find it odd how in this chapter everything got resolved with 1)PM winning and their enemies destroyed 2)PM managed to take back their stolen agent 3)the whole thing was in the end just a squabble between agents and nothing more.

What I'm trying to say is, I like to think Mori values his agents more now and wouldn't just sacrifice them in a cold and calculating scheme. Maybe I'm reading to much into things here...

(**I know comparing the dark era situation with Oda and chapter 14 like this isn't quite right but that's the only frame of reference I could think of)

anon thank you <3 I don't get why people want him to be pure evil. it's so much more fucked up and richly acidic that he loves fiercely and jealously and feels their loss like a brain bleed.

i don't think he regrets it though. he says as such to hirotsu with regard to dazai while staring at the old boss's bed. he'd do the same, again and again and again. what he did re: the great war was try to stop war; and because of what he did re: mimic, yosano and dazai live in a world where they are safe and loved and driven to save and love others. mori may want them back, but mori wants lots of things he can't have (control, ango's head on a spike, verlaine to stop smoking indoors). he can live with want. it's senseless loss of life that won't do.

also, re: akutagawa, yeah, i have no idea why people think mori would sacrifice akutagawa. like, even if you think mori is evil, like. why would he do that. to what end.

but!!!!!!!!!! anon, you've misunderstood our wife. mori didn't make a strategic decision to sacrifice akutagawa either. mori made the strategic decision to surround akutagawa with people who won't let him self destruct. mori is aware that akutagawa is a horse hellbent on breaking his own legs, and he accounts for it.

and it's not because he's changing. he doesn't need to change, there isn't anything wrong with him. that is how he loves; he meets the needs of his people by placing with others and in positions where they have a support network. this is literally canon, like, it is both illustrated and exposited in stormbringer, and also literally every arc.

mari mori wrote about this trait of irl mori's btw:

"It was not his fault if his love, despite its depth and greatness, lacked warmth. Like a creature carrying its shell, he had this lump inside him and yet he loved people. I can see this clearly in my mind's eye."

he's also always valued his people. when the flags were killed, mori attended their funerals with their families. re: oda, mimic was destabilizing the city and killing his people. mimic was an existential threat who wouldn't stop until they got what they wanted. the special division backed mori into a corner by predicating legitimacy and his capacity to realize the entire point of him spending years in the grime and bloodshed that was seizing control of the port mafia on him demonstrating that the port mafia could contain the violence. and they had JUST started to recover from the dragon head conflict. it wasn't cold or calculating, it was a trolley problem and mori doesn't love it when the french kill his people en masse, which is a thing that keeps happening to him.

anyway, below i explain why mori was livid at higuchi. it has to do with higuchi being a horse girl.

Akutagawa kills the way pet dogs and cats do when allowed to free roam, which is superfluously and way outside of the scope of necessity. He quite literally violates his express orders from Mori so frequently that Mori says, "Besides, Akutagawa-kun has always been that way. Going rogue, destroying everything in his path, and contributing the most in the end. One could say he has a knack for it. There's no need to punish him as long as he keeps succeeding."

Consider what "succeeding" means in the context of that particular quote from Mori— Akutagawa has both protected the city and himself survived it. The only time Mori has remarked that Akutagawa failed, it's not only that Akutagawa did not traffic Atsushi, it's that he lost himself, engaged in relentless violence without any regard for his own life, and blew up in a ship because of it. And he did it for nothing. Nothing was gained from him nearly self immolating. There was no purpose to it. Not only has Akutagawa potentially rendered himself permanently comatose, but he did so in such a way that invited others to come finish the job, and Mori can't act to protect him without risking greater escalation.

Mori is furious, not because he considers Akutagawa expendable, because Akutagawa treated himself as if he were. He doesn't even call Akutagawa a liability; he says being retaliated against is a liability, Higuchi accuses him of calling Akutagawa a liability, and he affirms that Akutagawa is talented and his violence (their currency) outclasses anyone in the Port Mafia, and then asks her, "But what about you? Have you ever thought about whether you are suited for this work?"

Mori knows and values Akutagawa for who he is, but because he knows who Akutagawa is, he knows Akutagawa is prone to and invites violence onto himself. Higuchi has a skill, but not one that is apparent or combative. She is clumsy, not particularly skilled at fighting, and hopelessly silly. She also adores Akutagawa, she looks at him like he hung the moon, she trips over herself to attend to him. And, when she thought Byakko was about to kill Akutagawa, she intervened to draw it away from him, and when Akutagawa thought Byakko was about to kill her, he did not hesitate to lash out to kill before it could. He does not instinctively protect himself, that's much of what Dazai's acts of violence were meant to build from scratch, but he does instinctively protect Higuchi.

Mori is angry at Higuchi when she wasn't even on the ship with Akutagawa, and he remarks with utter disdain on the choices they made that led to that moment, including the raid on the Agency. He tells her Akutagawa is good at violence, but does she really think she's suited for it? Gin holds a knife to her throat, and Hirotsu reminds her that while she has the authority to command them, it isn't their titles that command their loyalty, it's their reverence for Akutagawa, and she should consider what there is for them to respect with Akutagawa unable to move. It's easy to construe this as suggesting they don't respect her or would be quick to kill one another if given the opportunity because they're scary, violent mafioso. Then, she flashes back to Akutagawa's deranged bombing of the smugglers. Which he did without her, she was running to catch him and insisting she was supposed to assist him, he tells her he doesn't need anyone, and then he scampers off to go make terrible choices. She reflects to herself that she isn't suited to the Mafia, that she sought to leave it but then stayed, evidently because of him. In the end, it's her stubbornness and willingness to rescue him that compels Black Lizard to not only join her but give her deference as their commander.

She is not suited to violence, but her authority in the Port Mafia is such that she only answers to Mori and Akutagawa.

irl!Higuchi added a special awareness of suffering and sensitivity in her exploration of low-life characters. That's what she's good at. She shouldn't forget it, those low-lifes need her.

(but also, literally, yeah; Gin is his little sister and Mori has ALWAYS trusted his silliest, most idiot babies to Hirotsu. Hirotsu is like that elderly gray wolf in yellowstone who just gave birth for the 10th time and uses her aged sagacity to keep the other wolves out of trouble. just like that wolf, Hirotsu is old as shit by Port Mafia standards. and has shown no evidence of menopause.)

[agirlwithglam]

Hi!! I hope I'm not disturbing you but I wanted to ask how do I work hard. Because when I was younger I got really good marks without trying and now the subjects are hard and social media is distracting but I can't seem to delete it. This is also why my grades are even low then before and I'm really afraid to disappoint my parents (being the eldest daughter doesn't help). So can you please just give me some pointers on how can I actually study and not just cry because I don't know how to. Have a great day!! <3

literally omg. is this past me asking me a question?? like actually u have no idea how much i relate and understand this. the "gifted child" who always got good grades without needing to study now finds things more difficult. i know many people have said this, but i actually have been through this not too long ago. i hope these tips help <3

how to work hard + actually study (realistic)

forget hard work. at least do the work! (its so funny because i literally had a post about this all ready in my drafts about to get posted, so i'll keep this short and link the post.) stop focussing on doing hard work like studying 24/7. just put in the basic necessities you need to get a better grade. hard work post link

use the disappointment and embarrassment as fuel. (basically find a very strong why) (mini story-ish thing coming up, skip to the blue text for the actual advice) i still remember the day i got such a bad score on my math and science test, i was FURIOUS at myself and i cried about it! telling it to my parents was one of the hardest things i had to do and feeling their disappointment was even worse. but that became my turning point. i was so ashamed of myself and i resented me so much that i basically just told myself "i dont freaking care what you feel *with distaste*. you brought this on yourself you failure" (a bit very harsh, yes i know) but the way i studied that week- i studied more than i every had before! also doing this doesnt really lower my self esteem a whole lot, but if it does with you, please be gentle with yourself. : so what i'm trying to say it; use that feeling of shame and disapointment as a fuel, a motivation. The big “why”.

ALTER EGOOOSSSS. this helps SOOOO MUCH its so underrated. embody the energy of your fav people who are the academic inspiration you wanna be! example: rory gilmore, paris geller, elle woods, blair waldorf, etc etc! not only is this so helpful but it also makes it so much more fun and easier!!

parent yourself. i used to tell myself to do stuff like "go study now!" or "get up lazy-butt" but in my mind. but what if you tried to say those stuff out loud to yourself? it just creates a whole new level of real. So start telling yourself to do stuff out loud.

honestly just start. stop letting yourself think about how "uncomfortable" and how "annoying" it will be. All you need to know is that you need to get it done. Right? Ok. So now what’s the next smallest step you can take to getting to do the unwanted task? It may be taking out your material, opening your book, etc.

( !! tough love, but very important rant coming up)

You privileged brat. Your parents gave up EVERYTHING so you could have the education that you are having. They worked so so hard for YOU. So YOU can have the life you want. And all for what? Just for you to throw it all away and say “oh im lazy”. HELL NAH.

And also, do you realise how fortunate you are to be even living in such a time/ era where you have access to basically EVERYTHING? You’re stuck on something? You could easily search it up!! And whats more is that you can further learn. You can search up and find out more about the thing that you’re studying, become the smartest person in your class, get so ahead in life. I hope you realise that if you do use all the resources and materials and help that’s been given to you, just imagine how far you could go! Further than Albert Einstine, Elon Musk, etc. you may be like “what! No that’s gonna be too hard!” But did they have the tools that you have right at your hand? No! They made it all the way with just simple stuff and having to work super hard. But you live in a time where you can do TWICE as much without working as hard!!

And one more thing, QUIT WHINING. “Oh school is so hard!” “Oh school is so boring!” Like whattt???? You are so FORTUNATE and LUCKY to be even getting access to such education! MILLIONS of kids out there would kill to be able to learn what you are so easily dismissing right now. So TAKE ADVANTAGE OF WHAT YOU HAVE. Put your ALL, your very BEST into studying and getting good grades because THAT is whats gonna take you so SO far in life.

Thank you very much, *mic drop*. (i still ly pookie)

dealing with social media:

put the screen time widget on your phone home screen. i did this, and i became so embarrassed by the amount of screen time i had in one day (*cough* 12 hours *cough*) that i made certain to stop using it as much.

screen time limits. this may or may not help you, bc i know that when i knew the screen time password, it didn't do a lot of help but when someone else did (like parents or someone you trust), then it definitely worked. this is probably only best if you're a child around under 14 ish bc thats around the age when most parents put screen time limits + after that age you're gonna be a lot more independent.

more *extremely* helpful resourses:

tips to decrease your phone screen time by @imbusystudying

how to reduce your screen time in the digital age? (an article)

studying tips from a straight-A student by @universalitgirlsblog2

how to study like paris geller by @4theitgirls

more blogs i recomend:

@elonomhblog @mindfulstudyquest @study-diaries @thatbitchery

xoxo, vanilla

[iwanthermidnightz]

✨ERAS TOUR NOLA N1✨

my eras tour search started the moment she announced in november 2022. we all frantically signed up to make sure we were verified fans to *possibly* get a code to buy tickets, but for many of us that never happened.

I didn’t think it was in the cards for me to make it to eras tour after not being able to go to any shows, but in the last few weeks I manifested any positive vibes I could and searched tirelessly for tickets. I followed resale accounts for info on the tickmaster drops, and spent literally days refreshing the queue in case it opened up for those of us previously waitlisted. the second the queue opened I tried to enter but wasn’t let in. same goes for family also trying to get tickets. I told myself if it was meant to happen it would and focused all of my energy on some sort of miracle happening the day of…. and it did.

with the help of literal ticket fairy @9w1ft I was able to secure a ticket friday morning for the first nola show that night, and I spent the rest of the day grinning like a little kid. even though i was suffering (and still am) from an ear infection, go figure, I felt so relieved. so my sister and I decided to try to get some merch that morning, but the lines were so long and sizes were running out so we walked around the city.

i have never seen a city go all out for taylor like new orleans. from a swiftie welcome center at the airport, to hotels, small businesses selling merch, the zoo, friendship bracelet stations everywhere, local bars, restaurants, city wide eras themed events, to taylor’s music being played everywhere. the stadium even hung a two huge friendship bracelets on the outside. the preparation and anticipation from everyone everywhere did not go unnoticed.

it was incredible, and the pure joy in the streets was palpable. everywhere you looked there was glitter, sparkles and happiness. it made me so happy!

it didn’t truly sink in until i got to my seat and took in the view (@9w1ft pat yourself on the back girl!) i know it sounds weird but it felt like all the hard times i’ve gone through for the last year and a half disappeared. what did it for me was being around 65,000 people who were experiencing and spreading copious amounts of pure joy because of taylor and her music. you could feel it. THIS is what she does for people. and it was powerful. to think of everything going on in the world, and then going to this place that felt safe and happy and carefree. it’s an irreplaceable experience. and I wholeheartedly take back what I said about people going to 3+ shows. I would go every chance I got too if I knew it would feel like that.

the thought and attention to detail taylor put into this show is mind blowing and is a masterclass of artistry and the impact she’s had on pop culture and music for the past 18 years. the stamina and ability to perform for three hours every night is also insane, and she does it so effortlessly. I could go on and on about how truly magical it was and how grateful I am to have had the chance to finally experience it. it was a long time coming. i’ll always remember what it felt like to attend the iconic eras tour! it’s a love letter to her fans.

thank you taylor, we love you!

💚💛❤️🩵🖤🩷🩶🤎💙🤍

[honeyhotteoks]

hi everyone ♡ a little about where i've been and why i'm not posting....

so... it's no secret that i fell off the face of the earth when it comes to writing, and for that i just want to apologize. i know a lot of you have been waiting for the next chapter of tnt, further aurora updates, or just looking forward to some smutty kinktober one-shots...... but to be completely honest i haven't written in a little while.

i've been trying to but i keep coming up short, and i've been avoiding this blog ever since because i just feel bad for not being able to give you guys the stories you're waiting for. for that reason, i essentially took a creative break and decided not to respond to any messages about writing. i know that kind of sucks, but i know myself and i didn't want to promise "soon" when i knew that wasn't true.

i'm starting slowly to work on things again, and i really hope i'll be able to share some of that work with you soon, but genuinely i just needed space from working on fic and to be honest..... from the fandom. i love being an atiny, but there was a swell of negativity on twitter for a while and i've been feeling a little uninspired with the past year of content and endless touring and it all combined into me putting things off.

i'm also................................ much more of a multi now.... which i really never thought would happen but here we are. i have no idea if i'll actually start writing for any of those groups, but if i do, i hope some of you also enjoy those groups and you stick with me. a little blurb about my new biases and the groups i'm now following, etc. is at the bottom of this post.

as far as what's going on with my ateez work? here's a quick recap:

this night together: still in progress, i have ~4 chapters finished, but chap ten and some of the time skips have me a little stuck. once i iron that out and finish out the last 2-3 chapters after the arc that's written, i'll get back to posting. at this point i'd like to have it done so i can release it confidently and as a complete story. into the aurora: i have about half of book one edited, which will include some new scenes / cleaned up scenes, but nothing crazy. i'd like to start updating old chapters once everything is finalized. book two is.... slow going. i'm hoping a breath of fresh air will help, but it's still my goal to come back to these characters. one-shots: i have about 4-5 ateez one-shots that are half written. my plan is to finish these and release them as inspiration strikes to wrap them up.

thank you all for your patience, and all of your kind messages. so many people have checked in on me both anon and not, and even if i haven't responded it's meant so much as i work on coming back to writing. i may not be able to respond to all the messages since so many of them are in my inbox, but slowly i may chip away at them

i'll see you all very soon~

(so chai multi era.... in a whirlwind of discovering other kpop groups..... i've ended up a carat, a stay, a moa, and a hidden kard. again, no idea if i'll ever write for any of these groups, but.... my biases are below so who knows)

seventeen - s.coups (regularly wrecked by hip hop line + dino) stray kids - lee know + hyunjin txt - soobin (are we surprised tho) kard - bm + jiwoo (but also like basically ot4 let's be real here)

♡

[damiansgoodgirll]

i miss your writing so much, i hope your doing fine girl💖 we’re here for you

i was wondering if you could write if you feel like it, maybe having a fight with rhea? make it angst please 💘💘💘💘💘

thank you so much love <3

i would say i’m in my healing era but relapsing into old habits is easier than i thought.

i really hope you like this. sorry if it’s too short.

rhea ripley x reader

i care

“can you please look at me?” your girlfriend rhea begged you. you were arguing for the past two hours and not even for one second you met her eyes. too hurt to even look at her face.

“baby…”

“don’t call me baby rhea…just don’t” you were mad and she knew it.

she knew she fucked up and she had no idea how to make you forgive her.

you’ve been waiting at the restaurant for four hours before damian called you telling you that rhea was at the gym training with liv.

you weren’t jealous about liv. she was your friend and you knew rhea didn’t like her. no, you were mad that for the fourth time that month, rhea forgot about the dates you two had.

but this time it wasn’t a simple date. it was your two years anniversary and instead of making it special, she ruined everything.

“it feels like you don’t care…” you said when you almost threw yourself on the couch.

and for a part, you knew rhea didn’t care. she didn’t love you anymore like she did at the beginning. she knew it too but she was to scared to admit it. she knew that if she broke up with you, it would paint her as a villain, as a bad person. you were the kindest person alive and that was made rhea fall in love with you. your kindness and your affection towards people.

but rhea didn’t love you anymore and she was too coward to say it to your face. what would people think if she hurt someone as sweet and kind like you? people would hate her and she didn’t want to face all the backlash that would have happened.

“i do care about you…” she sat next to you.

“not like you used to…rhea, who am i kidding? who are you kidding? you don’t love me anymore, you don’t care about me anymore, you’re cold and distant and everytime i try to have a normal conversation with you…you just shove me apart” you didn’t want to cry but this was hurting you, really bad “you spend all the time in the gym just so you can find me asleep when you come back home…all because you know guilty is eating you alive…i know you too well rhea, you want me to hate you, you want me to scream at your face, you want me to make you cry and o break up with you so you could feel a little less guilty…” you couldn’t believe you knew rhea so well “but it’s not fair…it’s not fair because i’ve been putting all of my energy into this relationship and you aren’t even trying, you didn’t even try…”

“i’m so fucking sorry…” she whispered.

“stop saying it if you don’t mean it!” you didn’t want to scream but saying all of the stuff you kept hidden inside was making you feel better.

“i don’t love you anymore y/n…is that what you want me to say? i don’t love you anymore but gosh…i fucking care about you and i can’t imagine living a life without you in it…i’m so sorry for how things turned out to be…i’m already hating myself so i don’t need you to hate me more” she wiped away her tears with her shaky hands.

she hated herself for hurting you.

she hated herself for making you crying when she swore she would kick anyone who would make you cry.

she hated knowing how love your heart held that you probably wouldn’t even hate her in the end.

“it’s better if we end up this fucked up relationship now…or someone is gonna suffer more” you said and she agreed.

you’ve spent the night wondering where or when did everything start to fall apart. 

were you too clingy? 

did you gain weight?

did her fans hate you?

were you too ugly for being in rhea standards?

you couldn’t understand what you did wrong but you knew that being in a toxic relationship was way much worse than being alone - and in all honesty, you liked having time for yourself.