#// ill love you AND HANNAH BOTH

[kalihanded]

@swrdmaid 𝐏𝐑𝐀𝐘𝐄𝐃;

'...I remember you from the party.' Hannah said as she tilted her head towards the other before her, she had to wonder if he remembered what she had done, if so she'll most likely have to bow and apologize. / Mal?? LOVE mE? :D

❝ you are without your musical equipment. ❞ he sharply observes, her presence evokes familiarity of the aforementioned ball-turned-disaster. how her instrument seized control of other guests whom did not escape its corrupt clutches, reminded him of the curry cook-off incident.

skepticism briefly steels his visage; brows knitting, whilst wariness gleams from silver eyes. ❝ why did you decide to cause discord amidst a harmonious event ? ❞

𝐔𝐍𝐏𝐑𝐎𝐌𝐏𝐓𝐄𝐃 ⸻ ACCEPTING !

[giantkillerjack]

The Fall of the House of Usher (2023) is a lot of fun so far, but I'm not surprised that the same folks who made Bly Manor are so thoughtless about their use of queer characters. Looooot of evil people whose evilness is highlighted by queer debauchery in this show. Still better than what they did at the end of Bly Manor, but an uncomfortable reminder that having a diverse cast of queer characters is often only greenlit if they are evil characters.

[bangchansgirlsblog]

My Biggest Regret

Part six.

**

"What’s going on you two?" She asked the two siblings standing infront of her. She was terrified at what she just hard. She was so disappointed in Hannah.

"Y/n I tried talking to him but his being so difficult about it," Hannah wiped the tears off her cheeks. She was crying.

"Look, both of you need to talk it out and we aren't going back in there until you do. You're not going to ruin this day for everyone else okay? I don't know what happened but please just sort it out. For me,"

Y/n's arms were crossed and she had a disappointed look on her face. The guilt ate up Hannah because she knew how much Y/n didn't like fights. She didn't like conflicts and she didn't like problems. She wanted everyone to be okay with one another. So Hannah accepted it and listened to Chan.

"Hannah, I know I missed a lot. I'm sorry okay? I'm sorry that I did but I couldn't come back and you knew that, no matter how much I tried to, management wouldn't allow it. Don't be mad at me. Please."

"I'm only letting this go because Y/n asked me to, so it's fine. I hope you enjoy your days in Australia."

Hannah shrugged and walked past Y/n giving her an apologetic look. She had forgiven Chan and that's what everyone wanted right?

"Hannah-" Chan called out for the younger but she was already back inside the house leaving Y/n and Chan standing outside speechless.

"Just give her time, she hasn't really soaked in everything," she tried comforting Chan.

"Yeah I guess," they both stood in silence. Waiting for one of them to speak up.

"I geuss I'll go back in-"

"No stay with me? Let's talk," Chan held her arm before she could go back inside the house. She agreed and sat down on the benches that were facing the sandy beach.

"So..How have you been?" He asked trying to start a conversation.

"Good, good and you?"

"I'm good,” he replied and looked over at her. Her skin was glowing under the moonlight and her eyes twinkled like the stars. He loved that.

“How are you? Like how has your medication and stuff been? Are you still ill?”

“Yes I am Chan,” she smiled and looked over at him. Both their eyes connect making her feel butterflies in her tummy, “I’ve been taking my medication, the tumor decreased and I’m probably going to need surgery,”

“Surgery?” He asked confused and worried.

“Yeah, sooner or later I was going to have it anyway so. It’s minimal though. So not a big deal,” she shrugged and continued to analyze his pretty face.

He made sure to note that down. He made sure to remind himself so that he could be there for her when she went in and out of surgery. He would have to do some convincing though.

“Oh okay, um..”

“Tell me all about stray Kids Channie! Tell me about South Korea! Do you like it over there? Is it nice? What do you guys do on a daily basis? Oh My God! Is it true that there is a library as big as the Dubai mall?” She gasped, her eyes went wide as she got more and more excited waiting for Chan to tell her all about his adventures and so he did.

He started talking about everything from the beginning till the end. He Ofcourse left out the parts of drugs and girls but he knew if he did tell her all about it she would end up heartbroken.

She listened. She paid close attention to everything. She made sure to ask questions and for a second it felt like they were back to their younger selves. Chan missed it. He missed this. He missed her. The conversation itself wanted to make Chan move back to Australia, back to his family. He felt so stupid for forgetting about her. He (for once) felt like a real human being and not a robot under watch.

“Chan?” She called after they had finished their conversation about South Korea and his new life.

“Yes Aya?” He replied.

“Did you forget about me?” Her eyes were now soft. A pang of guilt hit his chest so hard he had to take a deep breath. He didn’t want to lie anymore, he wanted to come clean so,

“No Ofcourse I didn’t, I waited for you,” Chan you liar, what were you thinking? The words rolled off his lips with a bitter taste. He couldn’t help but lie to her, she looked so innocent.

“Really Chan? I waited for you too! I haven’t fallen for anyone ever since you left,” her smile was big as she spoke. She was happy. But Chan on the other hand was questioning his existence. Did she really not fall in love with anyone when he was away? Surely it can’t be true it had been four years.

“Y/n, I’m sorry I got so busy and stopped checking in. I was scared you hated to me. I was scared that we weren’t close anymore so you didn’t need me. I hope you aren’t angry at me like Hannah,” his eyes glistened.

“Oh no, no, no,” she held his hands in hers hoping to give him some comfort, “I’m not angry, at first I was but I can never be angry at you Chan. I was the only that encouraged you to go remember? So don’t you ever think I hated you or I was angry at you,”

“But you were sick and-“

“Yes I was sick but I wasn’t dying,” Y/n you’re lying to him! “Plus look at how much you’ve grown! You’re a kpop idol! Not many people can say that they have successful idol bestfriends,” she joked causing a smile to crip up Chan’s face again.

“I love you,” he said casually.

“I love you too Channie,” she replied.

He leaned in slowly finding his face close to hers. She leaned in too, finding his face close to hers. Inches away. But Y/n was nervous. This would be her first kiss ever. She wanted to be perfect but she didn’t know how to make it perfect.

“Chan I-“

“Can I?” He softly asked. His hand laid on cheek. Her lips were so plump and pink. Chan craved it. Craved her. He was going to get close to her one way or another.

They both closed their eyes. Chan almost closing in the gap when,

“Guys dinners ready!” A voice called for both of them causing them to jump away from each-other.

They both looked over at the door to find Hyunjin standing there.

Proud of himself for ruining the moment. He was going to get Y/n because whatever Hyunjin wanted he would get even if it meant bringing Chan down.

**

Hey *insert a stack of money in my hands* , will you be my gf? 🤭🤭🤭

Don’t forget to reblog if you want to😋

-🩷

[joka13]

FANFICTION (REQUEST): Weasley Twins x Reader (Hufflepuff Girl) - Lovesick - Part 3/5

WARNINGS: British swearing

"Ah, yes," Madam Pomfrey said in an uncharacteristically happy tone. It was early in the morning and the twins stood anxiously in the entrance of the hospital wing as the school nurse examined the sample flower petal they had brought to her. "Witches and wizards in Japan call this the Hanahaki disease."

Fred's eyes widened. "Disease? This isn't some curse? Or the result of poisoning...?"

Madam Pomfrey shook her head, smiling, and went to store the petal in a small bottle. The twins followed further into the room.

"How does this illness come about in the first pl—" George coughed. A fresh cloud of petals spewed out of his mouth and fell delicately to the tile floor.

"You are going to clean that up," Madam Pomfrey said without looking while she placed the bottle in a cabinet.

George took his wand out, pointed it at the flower petals in the floor, and quickly spoke, "Evanesco," and the petals disappeared.

Madam Pomfrey explained, "Unrequited love. That's the cause. It's rather common, especially amongst teenagers such as yourselves. I see it all the time."

"Common...? It's strange that we are only now learning about it..." Fred half-mumbled to himself.

"Well, you boys have obviously never been in love before," the nurse chuckled. "It's about time. I've been wondering if I'd ever see you in here for it. I shouldn't be surprised that it's taken this long. You're always too busy with your shenanigans to care about such things."

George's brow furrowed. "No... what? Wait... Why are you so cheery about this?"

"Because you need it," Pomfrey replied, wiping her hands on her apron.

"Do you mean love or the disease?" Fred asked.

Madam Pomfrey laughed. "Both. You two need a firm push in the right direction. There is a medical cure for the disease, but I won't give it to you."

"Why not?" the twins exclaim in unison.

"Because I want you to try to use the natural cure. You must get whatever poor girl you have feelings for to admit that she feels the same way about you. Do this within the next week. If you come to learn that the infatuation is not mutual, then come back to see me."

Later that day, the twins had a table to themselves at the back of the Divination classroom.

George doodled a picture of a drooping flower on the corner of his parchment paper. "Didn't Pomfrey say that dreams were stage one of the Hannah-hobo-or-whatever-you-call-it disease?" he whispered. "And coughing up petals was stage three? Now that I think about it, we never went through stage two."

"You're right," said Fred. "Though I'm not complaining. I've never found myself wishing and wanting for chest pains and vomiting."

George brushed the tip of his quill against his cheek thoughtfully. "Wishing and wanting for chest pains and vomiting," he repeated. "That's got a sweet, poetic sound to it, doesn't it?"

"Yes, yes. I'm quite the natural artist, you know," Fred replied, chuckling pompously.

"That's disgusting!" Hermione Granger commented from a nearby table.

"Your hair is disgusting," Fred retorted.

She scoffed, "And you're so immature." She went back to her book and began to run her fingers through her hair self-consciously.

George went on, completely unbothered by the rude exchange. "I wonder... Could it be because this is our first time... being in love?"

"You gits are in love?" Ron, the twins' younger brother, asked. He and Harry Potter sat at Hermione's table, and the three of them stared with curious eyes.

"Mind your own bloody business, Ronald!" George hissed. He turned back to Fred, his expression reverting to something calmer.

Fred spoke as if nothing had happened, though quieter so no one but themselves could hear it. "It could be. I think it may also have something to do with the level of our love and how suddenly it came on. I don't know about you, and I know it sounds cliche, but I'll confidently say that I've never met a girl like y/n."

"Yeah, same here," George said, nodding. "How should we admit our feelings to her?"

There was a long moment of silence between the twins. Professor Trelawney's ramblings filled in as background noise.

"I don't want to admit my feelings," Fred eventually said.

"Me neither. This is probably something along the lines of what Pomfrey was talking about when she said that we 'need a firm push in the right direction'," George sighed.

"She also said we need love."

"But I love you, Freddie."

"And I love you, George. And we don't need anyone else's love," huffed Fred determinedly. He leaned back in his chair, coolly linking his hands behind his head.

Another moment of silence.

George clicked his tongue and copied Fred's relaxed pose, saying, "You're in denial."

"You're right again, Georgie. We also need dear Mum's love. Life's not worth living if I can't have her cooking in it."

"Ah, but romance...," George said, waving his hand in a dramatic rainbow as if to say, "Just imagine...!"

Fred folded his arms in front of his chest like a child with a made up mind. "We've gone without it for this long," he said.

"...A kind, beautiful, mischievous girl who will vandalize public property with you..." George exhaled wistfully. "Someone to be the inspiration for your 'natural artistry'... Someone who will cuddle with you on cold days..." George snuggled up to Fred's side playfully.

Fred laughed and shoved his twin away. "That's not helping paint the picture... It's kinda spooky you mentioned cuddling. I mean, we sure have that twin telepathy thing, but now you're seeing my dreams!"

George gasped. "That's what you dreamt about last night? You're so naughty!"

"It was totally innocent cuddling!" Fred snorted, shoving George again. "What did you dream about anyway?"

"Quidditch. She was my biggest fan in the crowd."

"That sounds nice."

"'Twas."

The twins sighed in unison, each remembering the wonderful, though very temporary feeling that their dreams produced.

"George," Fred said in a way that prepared for a bold statement. "Let's make those dreams come true!" He sat up and pumped his fist into the air.

"So the Hannah-banana disease doesn't kill us!" George exclaimed, knocking his own fist against Fred's.

As they held their purposeful stance, both twins coughed at once, scattering flower petals all over the table top.

TAG LIST: @tomhockstetter7-111 @jasm-1ne @costheticbabe @luthien-elvenia-asher @megablonde22 @thecuteavocado @weasleylady92 @websfromallthespiders @rubyintheforest @weasleylover4eva @georgeweasleyslostearhq @im-coolrat @them-cute-boys @xmadigurlx @keirasinbin

[swaps55]

the thought of a hannah shepard character study sends me WILD, i am obsessed with her. i think you write her so well - she's so INTERESTING because a lot of the things she does make absolutely no sense to me! i would die for a hannah shepard character study personally

I've been sitting on this ask only because I wanted to have the time and spoons to respond to it properly.

You have no idea how delighted I am that people find Hannah Shepard so compelling. She's an incredibly complicated character who is TOUGH to parse.

Because Opus is centered around Sam, and she's done some grievous harm to him that can't be undone, she's generally seen by most as an antagonist, someone undeserving of sympathy and very deserving of anger and judgement.

But I often think about how that might shift if she became the central character. I think the world looks very different through her eyes, and she's more of a victim than people realize.

She didn't want kids. She didn't want a family. But she got swept up in the whirlwind that was Daniel Shepard. Did Daniel force her to have a child? Not purposefully. There was no ill intent. But he treated it as a foregone conclusion, and Daniel, like Sam, gets target locked on one thing and often forgets the world around him. He wanted a child so badly, she let him convince her that she did too, because if he was so excited about it, how could it be a mistake?

But for her, it was, and it's a bell you can't unring. I think her decision to walk away, to distance herself from her family, was an act of self-preservation, and one she genuinely thought was the best thing for all of them. She failed Sam, no question, but I think in some pretty significant ways, Daniel failed her. He was so caught up in what he wanted, he didn't leave room for her own needs

She does love Sam, in her own way, but it isn't the kind of love he needs or wants. It's just all she was capable of giving. Her needs and Sam's fundamentally conflict. It's a tragic thing for both of them.

And love her or hate her, without Hannah, the reapers probably win. Hannah is the reason Sam got the biotic training he got. She is the reason he successfully became an N. She is a big part of the reason his career didn't die after Torfan. She advocated, bulldozed, and opened doors for him at every possibly opportunity. She may have failed him as a mother, but she would do anything to make sure he succeeds, and not for her own ego's sake. He isn't a legacy for her, even though Sam probably thinks that. She fights for him behind the scenes, and would do so at the expense of herself if needed. Will we get to see this in Opus? Maybe. I hope so.

Was any of what she did in the best interest of Sam? Probably not. But she was exactly what Commander Shepard, and therefore the galaxy, needed.

A big piece of the overall conflict in Opus centers on how Sam and Commander Shepard struggle so mightily to co-exist, and the ways in which the needs of the many outweigh the needs of the few. At every turn, Sam has to surrender his own well-being to Commander Shepard, because that's who the galaxy needs. Protecting Sam over Commander Shepard has a huge price. In the end, most everyone, even Kaidan, is forced to choose Commander Shepard over Sam. And Hannah Shepard's relationship with him is one of the lenses to examine that theme.

She's such an important and divisive character, and I love her.

[olderthannetfic]

This recent talk about authors has me curious: Do you have favourite authors? Or favourite books that you'd recommend (as in not specifically recommend to a person looking to read a specific genre etc. but rather a book you loved reading and would love to shove into absolutely everybody's faces if you could)? Do you only read in English or do you also like to read in other languages? What book or books are you currently reading?

And just so these aren't one-way-street-like snoopily curious questions: my favourite authors are Emma Donoghue and Hannah Kent; my favourite books are "Slammerkin" by Emma Donoghue, "Burial Rites" by Hannah Kent, "Christmas Eve Kittens" by Wilma Counts, Cathleen Clare and Debbie Raleigh, "Every day" by David Levithan, "Der Kristallpalast" (The Crystal Palace) by Oliver Plaschka, Alexander Flory and Matthias Mösch; I'm currently reading "Time of the Magicians" by Wolfram Eilenberger and anxiously awaiting Hannah Kent's most recent book "Devotion" to be translated to my native language.

I am very bad at accurately sorting books into genres, but I'd guess most of the books I've read may be classified as YA, though I personally don't know what classifies a book as YA apart from "is written with young adults as the target group," but that's too broad a description to be useful to anyone in my opinion, heh. Some things I've read I'd sort into (also way too broadly classified) stuff like romance (Christmas Eve Kittens), crime or detective fiction [Krimi in german combines both] (for kids The Three Investigators and The Famous Five, and arguably for adults Sherlock Holmes, Miss Marple, Hercule Poirot though I've only seen Poirot films not yet read Poirot books, shame on me!), horror (Fear Street series as horror for kids and Lovecraft for adults), historical fiction (books by Hannah Kent and Emma Donoghue, Lilac Girls), historical nonfiction (Time of the Magicians and The Visionaries by Wolfram Eilenberger), steampunk (Der Kristallpalast, World Shaker, Steamed, Magierdämmerung), nonfiction (Zoo Station: The Story of Christiane F.), poetry (Heinrich Heine and Edgar Allan Poe) among other things like light-hearted children's books (St. Clare's series).

Some of the aforementioned books are classified as YA, and in my opinion reasonably so, though I do believe that classifying YA as a genre itself is quite useless since it only describes the target group but barely describes what a book is about, if that makes sense.

If I had to write down some classifiers for YA, I'd say it's maybe books that are written in a way that's accessible to a person who is no longer a child but still may be likely to not have experienced much of the adult world yet and may not necessarily be very well-read or knowledgeable about more "mature" topics on a deeper level. I'd guess that for example a book that's about topics that people may have come into contact with during their adolescence in some way may be YA like drugs (Blue Highway by Diane Tullson) and emotional rollercoasters and bullying (Thirteen Reasons Why by Jay Asher, Easy Meat by Maureen Stewart) and stalking (Unheimliche Nähe by Patricia Schröder) and mental illnesses like eating disorders (Jeansgröße 0 by Brigitte Blobel) or depression and physical ilnesses (Before I Die by Jenny Downham, Skellig by David Almond though it's mainly about fantasy and arthritis isn't the focal point if I'm not misremembering) etc. (all of the examples are YA I've read and would also classify as such) or maybe a book that contains entry-level knowledge about philosophy that you may have learned in school or that you may yourself have come across in some way unrelated to school but that doesn't require deeper knowledge on that topic or on specific philosophers or philosophy schools for its target audience to understand well...

Now that I've forgotten whatever point I wanted to make: sorry for rambling, I've been sitting in your askbox trying to remember the titles and looking up their translations and the authors' names for the past hour or so instead of doing the household chores I had planned to do today lol. Off to eat bread for lunch because now I'm too hungry to cook, oops.

Have a nice day!

--

I'm currently reading Invitation to a Banquet: The Story of Chinese Food by Fuchsia Dunlop.

I don't have any books I want to thrust upon everyone. I think that's a good way to breed haters for things I love.

In general, favorite authors of mine are... hmm... Agatha Christie, Tamara Allen, Loretta Chase, Georgette Heyer, Mary Elizabeth Braddon... IDK. It's hard to think of people off the top of my head. I like the current indie "m/m romance" scene in English, but it feels like it's still early days for that industry, and I can't think of a lot of authors I love who have multiple series and who aren't going through a career slump. (Like I love Jordan L. Hawk in general, but his latest stuff isn't making me rush to read more even if I'm still backing his Patreon. KJ Charles not only irritated me with dumb posts but started writing suckier books till I no longer buy her at all.)

I've read a lot of Golden Age detective fiction and some hard boiled US stuff (think 1930s and 40s). I've probably reread those sorts of books more than any others. While I certainly have authors I like, I only very, very rarely reread anything, and a lot of what I read is by non-prolific or long-dead people, so I don't have a bunch of names I go to the bookstore for currently.

My grandmother owned a fuckton of Three Investigators books, so I devoured those as a kid, though I think most Americans my age don't care about them.

I read in Spanish too. The only thing I've gotten through a lot of that springs to mind is the capitan Alatriste series. In general, if I travel somewhere Spanish speaking, I'll try to pick up some books, but I usually end up with things that are too highfallutin and literary for my taste or that are real downers. (Plus I'm a slow reader in Spanish, so the more literary stuff is a slog.) I like fun trash, and most of the fun trash I've seen on bookshelves is translated American romance novels and that kind of thing. I'll read in translation, but not if it's from English.

I do read manga in Japanese, but I'm not anywhere near good enough to read novels at this point.

[inlovewithregencyera]

Granningham, July 4th, 1818

The Duchess of Hollow chose annually to retreat to the family's small grandiose estate of Perlington House in Granningham. Only would she retreat here with her two eldest unmarried daughters who had already made their debuts in society. The sprawling estate, nestled in the serene landscapes of Granningham, served as a secluded haven away from the prying eyes of high society.

Here, amidst the lush gardens and opulent halls, the Duchess imparted wisdom and refined grace to her daughters, preparing them for the intricacies of their societal roles. The estate became a sanctuary where the young ladies learned not only the art of diplomacy and social finesse but also discovered the complexities of their own nature within these familial walls. The Duke of Hollow had this estate built for his wife back in 1811. They would stay here for a fortnight after the season was let, before joining the rest of the family at their summer home in Brindleton.

Sarah: Oh you look as pretty as a pearl Lady Aurelia!

Aurelia: Sarah, *blushes* you always say this.

Sarah: Well I never lie m'lady! You always look lovely and pretty!

Aurelia: And as do you Sarah, as do you. Why are you dressed like the house and chamber maids? I've told you that you're now a lady's maid and don't have to dress like that anymore.

Sarah: Sorry m'lady, won't happen again. I've still yet to get used to such a position! I've hung up all the fancy new gowns you've brought me and will change after I've finished your hair.

*Sarah hums whilst continuing to fix Aurelia's hair*

Sarah: Y'know m'lady, Lord Worthington is said to be in Granningham! He's back to take on his title and estate!

The sound of that name sent shivers down Aurelia's spine. The mention of his name elicited a cascade of memories, both sweet and bitter, that played with symphony in her mind, revealing the complex emotions tied to her affectionate bond with the one whose name hung in the air like a delicate secret. Frederick Charles Worthington, the now Earl of Henford, and rightful heir to Oakmere Hall.

Aurelia: *tapping her fingers against vanity* F-Frederick? Frederick Worthington? No, no that can't be. He hasn't stepped foot in Isturia since the Summer of 1816. He's been at his Chateau in Orleans. He didn't even attend his own father's funeral back in December. Why would he be here now?

Sarah: Well m'lady, I hear it from Tabitha, and Tabitha hears it from Jenny, and Jenny hears it from her daughter Hannah who's a cook at Oakmere. He visited his mama, but he's moved into Ivydale Park, just right up the hill! Says he can't manage that big ol' house just yet m'lady, too much going on.

Aurelia: *starts digging into the vanity with her nails* Ivydale Park? Up the hill?! No, no, no! I can't be here. Tell Mama we must leave for Brindleton today, not tomorrow.

Sarah: Why m'lady?

Aurelia: Oh Sarah! You very well know what conspired between us in 1816.

Sarah: No m'lady, I meant why shall I tell your Mama? Didn't one of you write him?

Aurelia: Heavens no Sarah! I've not written him in over a year, and Mama has not written him since December to give our condolences. Where did you come up with such a silly idea?

Sarah: Then why is his carriage outside? Y'know, the big fancy gold one that you and he used to go riding in and Miss Matlock would chaperone!

Aurelia: WHAT!?!

Emerging from the grand, gold, and crimson vessel was by no doubt, Frederick Worthington. For how anyone could mistake it not to be? He always unfolded himself with an effortless grace, and he stood at an impressive 6'4! He navigated towards the doors of Perlington, and if you were so blessed as to witness the genteel and noble grace in which he walked, you couldn't help but feel captivated by this magnetic allure of a man who seemed to carry both power and gentleness in equal measure. His manners and demeanor were completely unaffected.

Aurelia: Oh dear God help me! Sarah, you must convince Mama I am gravely ill and cannot join her and Louie for tea. Please!

Sarah: But you've no symptoms of being ill.

Aurelia: Oh you're right! She'll know my manners are affected. Fetch my traveling dress and coat, I'll tell her I promised to call on Aunt Helena before going to Brindleton. *nail biting intensifies*

Sarah: Shouldn't you withdraw from the win-

Aurelia: OH MY HEAVENS HE'S SEEN ME! I BELIEVE I SHALL FAINT! TELL ETHEL TO FETCH THE SALTS AND YOU MY TRAVELING ATTIRE! WITH HASTE, PLEASE!

Sarah: *frantically* Right away m'lady!

[someone-will-remember-us]

The first time it happened to Hannah, it lasted “just a few seconds.” Without warning, the man she’d met on a dating app and was now having casual sex with grabbed her neck and squeezed gently. Flustered, she swatted his hand away and tried to wipe the gesture from her mind. A year later, it happened again: Another dating-app match wrapped his fingers around her neck. Then this past May, a third time, when a man she’d just started seeing wordlessly placed a hand on her throat while they were hooking up. “Then I said ‘no,’ and he took it off,” she remembers. Each time, Hannah said, she had a basic conversation around sexual desires and preferences with these men before anything physical took place. But the partners never brought up choking outright, let alone asked her permission to do so.

“In all of these scenarios, the men otherwise seemed very sweet, conscientious, and well-informed, and I think that’s why it always comes as such a shock,” Hannah said. “I’m like, ‘What are you doing? Where’s this coming from?’ It’s a pretty violent thing to come out of nowhere, especially from men who otherwise seem so vanilla.”

What does it mean, then, that this “pretty violent thing,” an out-of-nowhere chokehold during sex, is happening in the post–Me Too age of��consent? Today’s straight, liberal men are assumed to be considerably more interested in centering women’s pleasure and safety — so what gives? For one, panicked reports of an anecdotal “rise in choking” during sex have been circulating online for years, growing in frequency since 2019 and often offering up the middling explanation that young people have simply picked up the habit from porn. This year both Business Insider and the New York Times warned of the “trend” among Gen Z and teenagers alike. And while choking is not a particularly transgressive kink — it’s not unheard of for women to enjoy, as psychotherapist Esther Perel puts it in Mating in Captivity, the “politically incorrect … poetics of sex” — these particular instances serve as evidence of something sex-positive feminists had hoped would lessen with time: the unrelenting dissatisfaction of casual sex.

Generations of us have been there. Nearly a decade ago, New York’s Rebecca Traister investigated what she labeled “male sexual entitlement,” the tolerated if not expected discomfort of heterosexual sex. And as sex writer Nona Willis Aronowitz observed in her 2022 memoir, Bad Sex: “Sex has never been more normalized, feminism has never been more popular, romantic relationships have never been more malleable — yet we still haven’t transcended the binds that make sex and love go bad.” Just last month, new research reported in the New York Times confirmed the obvious: The orgasm gap for straight women still persists.

But while the threat of a bad time has always been part of the packaged deal of sleeping with a stranger, those of us aspiring to operate as sexually free agents, ever the optimists, had hoped that with age and education, the quality of casual hookups would improve. Instead, the feeling of despair among young women engaging in casual sex has reached a fever pitch. Just take a scroll through TikTok for proof. The individuals I spoke to (most of whom, like Hannah, requested anonymity for the sake of their privacy) shared sexual encounters that ranged from awkward and annoying to harrowing and traumatic, from unexpected slapping and anal play to a hesitance to wear condoms when asked. The issue isn’t so much that the sex is always outright unenjoyable or ill-intentioned but that consent to casual sex still seems to be operating as a catch-all for anything men only assume women want.

For her part, Hannah doesn’t believe that her sexual partners were acting out of malice. If anything, it seems they were making an attempt at tending to her needs, however misinformed. “But of course, in considering women’s pleasure, the only way that some men can seem to conceive of is strangling,” she added. “It makes me sort of depressed if I really think about it. That instead of asking, ‘Hey, what do you like?’ or ‘Hey, do you like this?,’ they’re just going straight for the throat.”

Other women I spoke to had similarly jarring experiences during recent hookups. Tiana said she’d been slapped in the face on a few different occasions while performing oral sex, a “weird thing to do without consent” even when administered lightly, she says. She noted how common it was for “guys to try to eat or finger my ass without asking first.” Similarly, Ash says lots of anal play happens without her go-ahead — often a finger inserted into her anus in the middle of vaginal sex: “In doggy, it’s always a big ass thumb for some reason.” And much like Tiana, Nicky Josephine, a 33-year-old Brooklyn-based writer, recalled being slapped by a sexual partner without consent, to which she responded by slapping him back.

“I felt it was insulting more than anything,” Josephine said. “I like it as long as it’s not too hard, and it’s discussed beforehand. I was just super mad he didn’t ask or warn. That being said, I kept having sex with him.”

Alyssa, a 31-year-old Brooklynite, describes herself as practiced in BDSM and generally more open to experimenting during casual hookups. (That is, only after boundaries have been discussed.) She’s found that insecurity in beginners can sometimes breed aggression, a textbook sign of overcompensation. “I’m learning that men who have no experience in kink tend to completely overdo it on their first time and just be really, really rough and also not listen,” Alyssa tells me. There are echoes of the same sentiment on Reddit in r/TwoXChromosomes, where users point to the mainstreaming of BDSM as one of the factors producing “ill-informed ‘practitioners’” who don’t understand the negotiation of consent, let alone the practice of aftercare. In January, Alyssa found herself at the hands of one such man in his early 30s.

“I would have been fine with some choking in theory, but it ended up being more of a strangulation that I did not consent to,” she said. “He was shaking me by the neck like in a TV show or true-crime reenactment. It was like he was copying strangling someone as he’d seen in the movies.”

It’s no wonder hordes of young women are opting for celibacy instead. Celebrities like Julia Fox, once positioned as the apex of male desires, have sworn off fucking men altogether. Queer pop star Chappell Roan gave voice to her pleasure-less interactions with men in “Femininomenon” (“lying to your friends about / how he’s such a goddamn good lover … I don’t understand / why can’t any man / hit it like … ”), while former country star Maren Morris divorced her husband, came out as bisexual, and now seems to be taking pleasure in the bliss of sexual discovery: “Sittin’ on the fence / Feels good bеtween my legs.” Meanwhile, online, women are recording TikToks after horrific first dates as they search for solidarity, yearn for real love, and unpack their listlessness toward men. As someone who regularly requests to be choked, this inquiry made me pause to ask whether I really draw pleasure from the act or if I am subconsciously bending to the whims of the men under which I am pinned. Easier to stomach if I get ahead of it and convince myself I wanted it, anyway.

Curious about what exactly compels a man to go for the throat, I turned to Jake, a 28-year-old straight guy who lives in Manhattan and works in tech. He doesn’t often talk “explicitly” about sex when gearing up for a new hookup. Rather, he describes the whole process as a somewhat delicate “dance” that can’t really be taught, composed of subtle hints like “touching on the wrist, or touching on the forearm, or touching on the shoulder when we’re laughing.” When Jake does place a hand on a woman’s neck, he says he’ll either ask outright or gently place it there if it “feels like something [he] should do.” Besides, no one has ever told him they don’t like it.

When I ask why he wouldn’t initiate a conversation beforehand, Jake thinks for a moment. Talking about sex risks “removing the spontaneity of it” or might “feel like a sterilization when you put it into words.” He pauses again before musing that maybe it’s just something he’s seen in movies: that a man should be able to intuit what a woman finds pleasurable and when she wants it. “I understand it could be good to ask,” he adds. “But personally, there’s almost a sheepishness when it comes to discussing sex. I am scared of making an assumption and being wrong.”

Of course, men do talk about sex in other settings. Jake mentioned that both some of his friends and the male comedians, podcasters, and content creators he follows frequently boast about pleasuring women as a means of clout-chasing. “It’s now almost like a sense of pride to make a girl come in my own circle,” Jake said.

So it’s not that men are ignorant of — or worse, don’t care about — women’s pleasure; it’s who benefits from that pleasure that’s up for debate. Take, for example, Andrew Schulz’s bit about squirting (“We know it’s pee, ladies, we’re not stupid … but here’s the thing, we don’t give a fuck because we made you pee”). Or Mike Majlak describing his “process-driven” approach to foreplay on the Rawtalk podcast and his need to “spray in every nickel hooker.”

“This sounds bad,” Jake tells me, “but I think a lot of men are seeing women not necessarily more as people but more as sexual beings who also like sex. Things have changed a lot in the past decade, but I think that the pendulum has swung in a way that’s probably also not healthy.”

While casual sex is a two-way street, several of the women I spoke to expressed regret that they hadn’t been more clear in the midst of a hookup about what they did — and, more importantly, didn’t — like. Maybe they’d issued a curt “no” or pushed away a grazing hand, but they hadn’t articulated why a particular act made them uncomfortable or bothered them, the words caught in their throat. Hannah, for instance, doesn’t think it’s her job to close the systemic knowledge gap around consent and pleasure burdening men. Still, she wonders whether she could’ve stopped the cycle by educating her partners more clearly.

“It’s just another burden. It makes me feel like I’m gonna have to take this on myself,” she explains. “It’s just another responsibility that women have. I’m not doing a lot of work in terms of trying to make sure that they don’t do it again with someone else, but like, I’m exhausted.”

Willis Aronowitz writes of this feeling — of all we stand to lose when we express sexual discomfort: “Even the most sexually confident among us sometimes hesitate to talk about all this, because we don’t want to hurt our partners’ feelings or seem demanding, because we want to appear as horny as we initially advertised ourselves to be, because the length of time it takes us to orgasm will spoil the mood … because too much is at stake, because we’re simply not sure what we want.”

For Samentha Teah, a 25-year-old who lives in Virginia, taking a vow of celibacy seemed the only way to discover what she really wanted out of casual sex. After a particularly irksome on-again, off-again situationship with a man in 2021, she swore off sex, albeit unintentionally. But by February of the following year, Teah began actively identifying as celibate. For nearly a year and a half, they tried to unravel their attachment to penetrative sex and rethink the possibilities of physical connection. She needed to get to know herself “outside the expectations of hookup culture, because hookup culture is dependent on you having no boundaries.” Toward the end of last year, Teah decided they were ready to have sex again. Naturally, the hookup wasn’t great — her male partner repeatedly ignored her requests “to slow down, or to take it easy and be gentle.” “I feel like through sex, I can understand how a relationship is going to go,” Teah said, “And the way that he was with my body, I just didn’t want to interact with him anymore after that.”

While many women have documented the intense disappointment of breaking celibacy for milquetoast men (and renewing their vows immediately after), Teah had a different takeaway. She still engages in casual sex but is now “very, very selective,” prioritizing “fooling around” with men and women she already knows over vaginal intercourse with strangers or dating-app matches. Their new relationship to physical intimacy, they tell me, feels like “true liberation.” “I get to have sex when I feel like it. I get to take breaks when I feel like it. If I don’t like sex, I can walk away from a person. I can stop sex mid-act. I didn’t know that I really, truly could do these things … I was searching for autonomy.” Within herself, at long last, she’s found it.

[evita-shelby]

The Locket

Jack Nelson x Eva Smith, reincarnating soulmates au ft Two Souls Bound for Hell, National Anthem, What Happens in Vegas and They didn’t know we were seeds

Tag list: @justrainandcoffee @emotionalcadaver @call-sign-shark @peakyswritings @zablife @thegreatdragonfruta

1847

Once he made the decision to return home, marry his Aoife and start over in America, the corporal visits the peddler who is known to sell jewelry stolen from both the living and dead alike.

He had saved enough to settle any debts his family would have, have a small but proper wedding and leave for America before the English hang him for his desertion.

Martin had been careful with his coin even after his promotion to Corporal and after a small gift by Hannah, he had decided he could spare some for a trinket to give to his soon-to-be bride.

He sees it amongst the pendants, an old locket somewhat dirty and scratched with a human heart surrounded by flowers carved into it. Gold, or dipped into it by the way its quality can’t be hidden by the lack of care.

The peddler had said its previous owner had received it from her husband and wore it until the day she died mere minutes after him. The old woman was apprehensive to sell it for it could bring ill luck to its wearer.

My Aoife will find the story romantic, she believes in fate and magic, he had said in response while still offering his coin and the old woman gave him the chain for free muttering some sort of blessing just in case.

Martin O’Feeney keeps it in his coat pocket and waits for the right moment. He had despaired when he heard she had married, rejoiced to know she had been widowed and felt the stirrings of hope in his dead heart when they wed that night.

She wears only that when they celebrate their wedding night up in the loft of the barn, the stolen treasure bounces against her chest as she rides him as if it was always meant for her.

The locket holds a lock of auburn hair from Roisin and baby Michael’s dark curl tied with a string and rests on the swell of Aoife’s breast come hell or high water. It is the one thing of value they still own those first harsh years in America where poverty is bad but not as terrible as it had been in Ireland.

They live well once things become steady for them to have a third, Hannah, and own their own home where Aoife runs her medicine shop. She wears it always even when they grow old and gray.

The only time he ever sees Aoife remove it is when he is on his deathbed and watches her leave it on their dresser to join him and leave this world together.

The year is 1892 and somewhere in a dingy tenement block in Boston, Martin O’Feeney is reborn as John, son of Rosemary Nelson wife of Roisin’s eldest son, Edmund.

1926

Jack knows his woman has a thing for the magic and old things.

The locket had belonged to an Irish Midwife who had come to America with her husband who she loved so much she died the same night as him. They had three children going by the three locks of hair inside it.

The woman dabbled in magic, the shopkeeper had whispered, no one has been able to buy it without being cursed with bad luck because the old bat hadn’t wanted her daughter to sell it.

And because Eva knows magic and curses, Jack Nelson pays double of what the old man had said it cost. He’s got money to burn and knows whatever curses it has aren’t strong enough to hurt his woman.

She burns the locks of hair, hair as dark as hers and one lock as red as his mother’s had been, and lets the wind spread its ashes as part of the removing the curse. The name of the previous owner was also Eva, well, Aoife, or so his wife had learned as she did her magical shit to break the curse on the locket.

He had a great grandmother called that; his dad’s witch grandmother come to think of it. His grandmother had been named Roisin like the owner of the ginger lock of hair too.

“Rather romantic, don’t you think? A gift from her husband whom she loved so much she couldn’t live without it or him.” Evie murmurs against his chest later that night.

“Would you love me like that, Evie?” he asks having grown fearful of losing her to their mistress, Gloria, or worse, death.

“I already love you like that, Jack.” The witch laughed softly as she reassures him of the strength of her love for him. She’ll end things with Gloria, they’ll have the baby Jack’s dreading to have, and she’ll even eschew heaven to follow him into hell.

The witch loves that locket to death, will wear it at home and whenever she can pair it with her clothing on outings. Wears it on their anniversary, their kid’s birthdays, their weddings and when they cheat death fate had in store for them.

His children never die like the visons of death that plague them since childhood claimed they would. Jack could now say his children had ended the curse that plagued his father’s bloodline as he and Eva ready themselves for bed one last time.

They know their time is up, a strange feeling they’ve had for some time now. Jack is ninety-nine and Eva ninety-five when they leave the locket on the nightstand and are found dead by their nurse the following morning.

It is 1992, in a hospital in Boston Jack Nelson is born to Rose Nelson ---of no relation to the infamous Nelson Family--- and Eva Smith is born in an ambulance outside the Sistine Chapel to Isabel Riley.

2019

Asking Eva to be his fake girlfriend was the best decision he ever made.

He loves her, he’s sure of it.

She looks beautiful in anything. The locket he gave her for Christmas two years ago does not look out of place even in the cheap wedding minidress she rented for their elopement.

He loves her, there’s no doubt about it.

Another Jack and Eva who will have their picture in that locket.

The faded photograph he’d taken out of it when he bought it said Jack and Eva 1919 on the back. 100 years ago, they had gotten married and put their picture in the locket and now in 2019 it witnesses another Jack and Eva getting together.

“The shop lady said every owner who had it lived happy ever after with their husbands, says it brings good luck to its owners.” He tells her when he stops her from taking it off as they fuck in the pink car as husband and wife.

“I’d like to live in love with you for the rest of my life.” His girl said tearing off his shirt not giving a shit that the buttons had come off.

And they do, through seemingly infinite horrors and joys, the Nelsons live through all of it as in love as they were when they got married just as they promised in the back seat of their car.

They are on a road trip to Las Vegas the moment it becomes safe to revive their anniversary tradition when Eva loses the locket outside a gas station in Colorado. While both are disappointed in their loss, the young couple knows they’ll still love each other forever even without it.

“Maybe a different Jack and Eva will find it and continue the tradition.” Jack says as they give up their search for it and resume their drive.

And they do.

The locket is said to be several thousand years old, something that had survived and been cared for by those who love ancient shit.

It is a pretty thing, a human heart with flowers carved on the front and the letters J and E on scrawled on the back.

Jack had paid full price for it and couldn’t wait to see Eva’s face when she opened his gift for her. His wedding gift to his wife and mother to his baby boy.

“They say it brings good luck to new couples.” The curator says and dismisses it as nonsense. No one believes in romance and magic anymore, at least outside the Capitol.

But Eva does, has a deck of cards she says tell you the future and thinks fate was what brought them together.

“Maybe it will.” Jack thanks the guy anyways and prepares for his secret wedding.

Eva looks stunning with it, says it was meant for them going by the letters on the back.

It holds a picture of Laurie in her arms with his wrapped around hers, you couldn’t tell it was his arms and would give them plausible deniability should anyone ask. She wears it always, at home and at the Capitol.

Takes it with her as her token when she is called into the arena once more and keeps on wearing it even if it goes against the dress codes of District 13.

“It will only come off when we’re dead, mi amor,” she promises as they affix a new photograph once the rebellion ends, and the Hunger Games become a part of history never to be repeated.

“I’ll hold you to it, Mrs. Nelson.” Jack kissed her temple as they hold their newborn daughters, Isabel and Atia.

[lmanburgseulogy]

ill answer your nikirose ask tommorow but know i adore them. also a fun aspect of them as a ship is that it's nice and they work when they both go through some healing a bonding, but also i know for a fact that hannah would look at that woman in her corpse outfit and her ratty faded hair whose been living out of a cave and threatening to kill people and/or breaking down and is kept alive primarily by revenge and be sooo so head over heels. hannah is not an "i could fix her" girl she's an "i want her right now" girl. an "i actually like when she talks about her dead friend she has really strong feelings about at length to me or casually threatens me with a pickaxe" girl

YESS SO TRUE SO TRUE YOU GET IT

Deranged girl + Deranged girl c!hannah falling so hard for c!niki with her eyebags and chewed nails. She looks into her eyes and sees niki’s desire to feel happy again and falls in love immediately. She’s compelled when Niki talks about a certain time where she tried to kill a child. They’re both sick gosh

And also they would bake cakes together. Really that’s the only thing in the whole world that matters

i support c!nikirose rights and wrongs

[iamfitzwilliamdarcy]

I made a much shorter post about this earlier, but Taylor in TTPD talks a ton about coming of age famous (and female!) -- and I think the two obvious songs are "But Daddy I Love Him" and "Who's Afraid of Little Old Me?" (another read more bc it got super long sorry)

"But Daddy I Love Him" has been talked about a ton by now, and while I think most people are missing the point (which is another post), I do we have all picked up on her rejecting judgemental assholes who don't actually care about her--

I just learned these people only raise you to cage you Sarahs and Hannahs in their Sunday best Clutching their pearls, sighing "What a mess" I just learned these people try and save you ... cause they hate you

But who raised her? It was the media, the society she's been a part of since she was 15. There's also a sense that they raised her but she wasn't actually allowed to grow up-- Growing up precocious sometimes means not growing up at all. Her coming of age in this setting has led to this arrested development.

Interestingly, she brings back the caged imagery in "Who's Afraid of Little Old Me":

… You caged me and then you called me crazy I am what I am 'cause you trained me

"Who's Afraid of Little Old Me" probably has a lot more in common with "Mad Woman," but the setting is what makes her the way she is-- I am what I am because you made me this way--and now you have the audacity to judge- she compares the coming of age in fame both to a circus, where they tamed her--

I was tame, I was gentle 'til the circus life made me mean "Don't you worry, folks, we took out all her teeth"

and to an asylum--

… I wanna snarl and show you just how disturbed this has made me You wouldn't last an hour in the asylum where they raised me

The asylum comparison also comes with the history of women being institutionaized despite being healthy because of how they reacted to either male mistreatment or societal mistreatment -- and I don't think her Clara Bow comparisons are randomly selected either

We can circle back to the religious imagery in "Cassandra" too-- in But Daddy I Love Him, she sings:

God save the most judgmental creeps Who say they want what's best for me Sanctimoniously performing soliloquies I'll never see ... You ain't gotta pray for me

and then in "Cassandra," she says: "Bet they never spared a prayer for my soul" -- it's a lot about Kanye, probably, but she's lumping the gossipers in here too- When it's "Burn the bitch," they're shrieking / When the truth comes out, it's quiet"

(if you're in any type of religious circle, you know there's frequent discussion of various societal ills that have "become" religion to people-- politics, celeb gossip, etc etc) -- no matter what, it's all sanctimonious, it's all for show-- there's no deep held religious belief, there's no genuine charity for her--

This is conversation with fame, with her coming of age in fame, with all the ways she gave herself to the society and was rejected or judged or hated or hurt-- it was being raised by people who hate her -- and then to turn around and write "Robin"-- her protection of a child until he's ready to bounce back from the cruelty of the world-- the cycle ends right here

[lunarmoonheart]

HFFF day 6 (sorry its late): protect

summary: hannah gets hurt during a fight. afterwards sophia takes care of her.

title: my love my life ship: sofia/hannah (do they have a shipname?) prompt: protect

Sophia and Hannah just finished there fight for the night. It was the first night of Charles' new treasure making scheme "rollerama tag team battles". He decided that since he hadn't gotten many new fighters from eddie that the best way to make more treasure would be a new event. 

It was surprising how well it went. There were a lot more rich people watching than normal and the fighters were making twice as much money. They just fought Daniel and the newest girl Bea. Bea had one of the cooler powers she could "sting" people paralyzing them until the next time she did it. 

Sophia and Hannah had a very narrow victory. Back in the locker room sophia grabbed a chocolate bar from her locker and plopped on a bench. 

"Hannah, that move you pull was sick! Hannah-" Sophia paused Hannah was limping. Hannah never limped. Sophia got up and walked over to hannah putting a hand on her shoulder.

“Hannah babe you ok?”

“Yeah im fine.”

“Hannah you're limping, are you sure you're ok?”

“Sofia… its fine i just got kicked.”

“Nope. come on ill drive you home.” not waiting for hannah to respond sofia grabs both of there backpacks and carries hannah bridal style out to the rollerama parking lot. The neon lights illuminate sofias car. She sets hannah in the passenger seat throws there packs in the car and drives off towards the foster-green penthouse.

Sofia knocks on the door and lex answers. Looking at her questioningly.

“Hey sofia. Why are you carrying my sister?”

“She got a bit banged up tonight so i thought id take her home.”

“Well thanks you know where her room is.”

“You both know i am right here right.” hannah states sarcastically. Lex rolls her eyes.

“Have fun with your girlfriend hannah.” hannah and sofia both blush. Sofia starts carrying hannah to her room when they hear lex call out.

“Use protection!”

“Lex were gay!”

“You still have to be safe banana!”

Sofia sets hannah down on the bed laughing. Hannah sheepishly held her arms out silently asking sofia to lay down with her. Sofia happily obliges wrapping one arm around her waist the other cradling hannahs head against her chest. In this moment hannah has never felt happier she finally has everything. A nice house, lex and ethan are married, amazing friends, and the perfect girlfriend. Hannah had never felt better so when she drifted to sleep that night she dreamt of her future with her amazing girlfriend and all the good life would have instore for them.

@femslashfortnight

[denimbex1986]

'Andrew Scott, mother Nora has passed away after a sudden illness just before Mother's Day.

The sad news was shared by the family, stating that Nora died peacefully surrounded by her loved ones at St Vincent's Hospital in Dublin on March 7th.

The obituary read: "It is with our deepest sorrow that we inform you of the passing of Nora Scott (nee Boyle), beloved wife of Jim, mother of Sarah, Andrew and Hannah."

"Scott, Sandymount, Dublin, formerly Omagh Co. Tyrone, March 7th 2024 peacefully surrounded by her loving family and best friend Anne, in St Vincent's Hospital following a sudden illness. Nora will be deeply missed by her beloved husband Jim, her loving children Sarah, Andrew and Hannah."

Andrew has not yet made any public comments about his mum's passing. Nora had previously shared a heartwarming story about receiving a bouquet of roses from actor Anthony Hopkins six years ago when she told him she was ill. She met him on the set of King Lear, where Andrew was playing Edgar, reports the Irish Mirror.

Recalling the sweet gesture on RTE, she said: "There was probably more than three dozen red roses and attached to them was a little card from Anthony saying 'Be well, sending hugs', and all sorts of things."

"I was thrilled to get such a gift and for the kind thought that promoted it. Now I have recovered, I can enjoy these exquisite roses that grace our hall. It was such a beautiful gift."

Just two months ago, Andrew and his All of Us Strangers co-star Paul Mescal said they didn't really want their parents to watch the movie.

In the film, we see Mescal and Scott's characters getting very close, and both actors said it would be super awkward to watch with their families because of the steamy scenes. "I don't want to be there when my parents watch it! " Andrew shared with TV star Graham Norton.

Andrew had some deep thoughts about the film, saying: "I think for so many people, particularly queer people, you can feel like a stranger in your own family. Even if they haven't directly rejected you, you just feel slightly different... [But] discomfort within a family and love within a family can coexist. It's pretty common."'

[pretensesoup]

Queer books, day 12/30

I've been trying to mentally reconstruct my history with this play. Back in 2001 or 2002, Jesse (my Ask a Medievalist co-host) told me I should read it. Why? I don't remember. But I did everything Jesse told me to do back in those days, so I dutifully went out to a bookstore (it might actually have been Canterbury Books, which still existed back in those days, but it might also have been Paul's?). I was only able to find one part, so I bought it and read it and decided it was brilliant. Then in 2003, the TV version was announced (that's why there is a photo of Emma Thompson on the cover of this version) and I was able to buy them both combined.

Back in let's call it 2002, I was 19, knew some LGBT people and thought they were fine and cool, but that was about where my thinking began and ended. This play...I mean, as a work of art, it blows my mind to this day. As a record of a particular historical time period, it's amazing. It's magical realism, it's Jewish in a way that I understand Judaism (not just in opposition to other people's religions, but in contrast to more orthodox elements within Judaism), it's gay, it's about death, it's about life... I don't know, it's brilliant. And of course, a few years later I got to see Mr. Kushner interviewed on stage and enjoy this conversation between the hapless student who had been selected to interview him and the man himself:

Student: So Belize has this speech where he says... "Big ideas are all you love. "America" is what Louis loves. Well I hate America, Louis. I hate this country. It's just big ideas, and stories, and people dying, and people like you. The white cracker who wrote the National Anthem knew what he was doing. He set the word "free" to a note so high nobody can reach it. That was deliberate. Nothing on earth sounds less like freedom to me." So why do you hate America?

Tony Kushner: (with the patience of a goddamn saint) I think everyone who has taken an entry-level English class can identify that the characters are not the author.

SO.

The play centers on Prior, who is dying of AIDS and his ex-boyfriend Louis, who is having a really hard time with Prior dying. Prior is not exactly thrilled about it either. Then there's Roy Cohn (the evil, evil lawyer who was a historical figure and also died of AIDS) and his clerk, Joe, a repressed gay Mormon. And then Joe's drugged-out wife Harper, his mother Hannah, and an angel.

Look, I don't know how to describe the plot very well. Prior is ill, and Louis abandons him, and then sleeps with Joe. Roy Cohn is in the AZT clinical trial (the first generation of HIV/AIDS drugs) and is trying to blackmail someone (unnamed) into making sure he doesn't get the placebo. Harper suspects something is up with her marriage. Prior is visited by the angel, called a prophet, and asked to help fix things in heaven. Then Hannah, Joe's mother shows up and meets Prior.

The thing about this play is that all of the characters are really, really human. Louis does something terrible in running out on Prior, and he KNOWS it's terrible, and he can't not do it. And at the end, Prior forgives him. Joe walks out on Harper, who is sick and needs him, and in the end she realizes that maybe she needs him less than she thought, and she lets him go. And everyone does terrible things, really, and they feel bad and they get forgiven. Excluding Roy Cohn, who is evil. But in the end, the ghost of Ethel Rosenberg says kaddish for him. So maybe the message is that you, too, can be forgiven. A little bit, anyway.

One time I went running in Central Park and I went to the Bethesda fountain, which is referenced in here, and it was awesome.

Key quote:

I've lived through such terrible times and there are people who live through much worse. But you see them living anyway. When they're more spirit than body, more sores than skin, when they're burned and in agony, when flies lay eggs in the corners of the eyes of their children - they live. Death usually has to take life away. I don't know if that's just the animal. I don't know if it's not braver to die, but I recognize the habit; the addiction to being alive. So we live past hope. If I can find hope anywhere, that's it, that's the best I can do. It's so much not enough. It's so inadequate. But still bless me anyway. I want more life.

Now I haven't even gotten to how much I learned from this about how characters have give and take in dialog, and this and that, but I've written a very long post already, so I'll stop here. 50/10, go read it.

[nearlyapersonsblog]

Please share some more music with us! :) 🎶 ♥

omg !!!! yay !!!! i would love to !!!!!

i’m glad there is someone enjoying these recommendations so i’m going to give you a list of my favourite songs at the moment … (in no particular order)

survivors guilt by Haley Blais - this song is so beautiful. It has really witty lyrics that also hit so hard (it is both cryable and danceable). Her vocals and the production are just so good! i really recommend !!!!

Space Between the Bed and the Wall by Hannah Cole - this song is written so well. i’ve only recently discovered Hannah Cole and she is so so underrated. I would describe her music as a mixture of phoebe bridgers, lizzy mcalpine and searows, so if you like those definitely check her out!

Best Day by Hannah Cole - okay i know this is a christmas song but i cannot stop listening to it. it’s so beautiful, soft and sad (but still cozy!!) and makes me want to cry i love it.

The Bog Bodies by Rabbitology - I don’t really know how to describe this song but it is just so hypnotising, the production feels so organic and really reflects the image created in the song.

kandaiki by Mammal Hands - This is one of my favourite songs ever and it has been for a long time. I would describe it as modern jazz / instrumental. it’s just so calming and so so so good idk i just love it.

ill continue to share more stuff!!

[glitchydyke]

what's hatchetfield ?

it’s a series of musicals by starkid!!!!! there’s three in the series rn: the guy who didn’t like musicals, black friday, and nerdy prudes must die :] (plus a bunch of short stories under the group name nightmare time & nightmare time 2)

each of them is set in a town called hatchetfield, where things r um. kind of fucked. on account of the group of eldritch gods using it as a personal plaything <3 each musical is set in a different iteration of the town though, with the vibes of like either a time loop or parallel universes, where everything is the same but different, a little bit to the left.

spoilers of the plot of each one ahead now !!!!

tgwdlm is the first of the series!! it’s about an average office worker guy named paul (MYYYY <33333333) who. well. hates musicals. and to his dismay becomes the unwilling protagonist in one when hatchetfield is infected by a musical alien parasite via a meteor

bf is the next, about sisters lex and hannah foster and a man called tom houston, who’s emma’s brother-in-law. lex is a worker at toyzone, a toy store selling the new famous toy tickle-me-wiggly. and things get a little bit murdery when the adults in the mall begin to form a cult over the doll, killing each other to obtain one

and the newest one is npmd, which came out abt a week ago!! it’s about a group of teenagers, peter, richie (ALSO MY <333 + played by the same actor as paul), ruth, steph, and grace, who’re haunted and hunted by the demon-ghost of a former classmate who’s intent on killing everyone he’s personally deemed deserves it.

it makes me. fucking insane. the way that things in each version of hatchetfield are different, but there are still some constants; my favourite of which is that paul and emma, the characters from the first musical, will always ALWAYS find each other. in every timeline, they’re destined to find each other, but never destined to have their happy ending. destined to fall in love, to become each other’s light in the darkness, each other’s home, but it’s never built to last.

it’s also really really fucking fascinating to see these characters fight desperately against the gods toying with them, to form such beautiful bonds and relationships, to keep themselves alive as these horrific things happen around them, knowing that… does any of it even matter? this is one timeline out of infinite, one world out of countless, does any of it even matter? does their fight even matter, when at the end of the day, it could all be erased by a bored god snapping his fingers? does their love hold any power against beings that can’t be understood, can’t be reasoned with?

and that’s not even mentioning the fucking music oh my god. my faves are lah dee dah dah day, not your seed, let it out, inevitable, feast or famine, take me back, black friday, what if tomorrow comes, high school is killing me, nerdy prudes must die, if i loved you, and the summoning. yes that’s a lot but FUCKKKK i love these musicals soundtracks good lord.

OKAY ALL IN ALL. it’s a series of horror-comedy musicals set in the fictional town of hatchetfield, each surrounding a different group of civilians as they fight to survive against some sort of horror brought about by an eldritch god. they’re v v good and the official pro-shots are all on the starkid youtube channel, along w the nightmare time stories!!!! would absolutely recommend them they r both so fun and sillay and also make me physically ill to analyse i cannot dress this enough. life and death and fate and choice and love and hatred and trying to stay together even as the universe rips you apart