#// i don't know that there's anything that will like
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Please.
One of the most important things to unpack and unlearn when youâre part of a white supremacy saturated society (i.e. the global north) and especially if you were raised in an intensified form of it (evangelicism, right wing politics, explicit racism) is the urge to punish and take revenge.
It manifests in our lives all the time and it is inherently destructive. It makes relationships and interactions adversarial for no good reason. It undermines cooperation and good civic order. It worsens some types of crime. It creates trauma, especially in children.
Imagine approaching unexpected or unacceptable behavior from a perspective of "how can this be stopped, and prevented" instead of "youâre going to regret this!â
Imagine dealing with a problem or conflict from the perspective of âhow can this be solved in a way that is just and restorativeâ instead of âthe people who caused this are going to pay.â
How much would that change you? How much would that have changed for you?
#my god has the discourse on my dash gone from bad to worse#over the course of this US election cycle#the number of people yelling at each other#or behaving like they're scoring points against#or outright talking as if visiting violence and stripping rights from the right group of people they're mad at#or talking about people deserving bad things or that they'll learn when they go through terrible things with a manic air of glee#could you stop#i know anger and fear amd exhaustion do bad things to our brains#but that isn't a reason to let yourself fall into the trap of dehumanizing your fellow humans#who are in this together with you#don't tread the pathways in your mind that make the patterns of dehumanization easy#we are all humans#all of us#no exceptions#and punitive justice is not a solution to anything#besides which on societal scales punitive measures always end up targetting thr innocent
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ahh caitlyn my beloved.
let's talk about the trauma she has around jinx, in particular, in a way i think is more related to being targeted by jinx than just grief.
don't get me wrong- grief is a huge part of why caitlyn is all over the place this arc (season?). she probably came to the conclusion that her softer, pacifistic attitude from the first season is the reason she ended up hurt. clearly the rocky relationship she had with her mother adds a layer of bitterness and regret caitlyn is feeling regarding her death. alongside a million different reasons, which i might discuss in a different post.
but there's a clear difference between the anger and coldness we see from caitlyn when she discusses catching jinx and bringing her to justice, than when she faces jinx head on. in the latter, she suddenly loses her cool and acts all frantically, so unlike anything we've seen from caitlyn so far.
in her mind, in episode 1, she sees herself as collected and calm, aiming her rifle at jinx. btw, take note of how jinx is depicted here. her eyes are glowing.
but in reality, she's very much NOT cool and collected when she thinks that exact scenario is about to be replicated.
that's caitlyn's pov btw:
again jinx with the glowing eyes- caitlyn had seen what jinx looks like in other circumstances, but THIS is the version of her that she visualizes and then irrationally reacts to.
we see it again when she shoots jinx in the finger
no composure, no deep breathe, no thinking. she just shoots on instinct. it's nothing like she used to.
and then her frantically calling vi to move out of the way as she keeps firing, almost like shes blind to everything but jinx- the kid and vi, who are both in harm's way, don't stop her.
i know it's easy to just paint it as anger and grief here, but there's something about it that strikes me as almost like animalistic fear. she sees jinx and just goes feral mode, but its almost more of a prey instinct than a predator.
and i think it's because whenever she faces jinx, properly, it's not the grief and radicalized anger she's feeling, it just sends her back to this moment
with all the "jinx murdered her mom" talk its easy to forget that jinx also directly, and cruelly, targeted caitlyn, tried to kill her, kidnapped her and held her hostage for who knows how long. it's not just anger that caitlyn feels towards jinx. it's a trauma response. and like, welcome to the club, caitlyn! most of the arcane cast are acting out of trauma. but i better not see people think her trauma is somewhat lesser than some... other.. characters.
#arcane#i said i wont be here but i lied. like caitlyn#arcane spoilers#arcane season 2 spoilers#caitlyn kiramman#jinx
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You are not Special- DC X DP Prompt
Interdimensional God-like beings are not known for their patience, however it looked like they had gotten lucky.
This being that had been summoned against its will to their universe was actually quite calm. They sat back on a makeshift throne made by the cultists that had brought them here. Its body was the form of a young man draped in silk. He paid little mind to the cult bowing and scraping at his feet as he absentmindedly examined his nails for anything under them. They were as pristine as his marble-like form.
"You know cults get a bad reputation in these modern times." He said not looking up at the heroes who had invaded his sanctuary intent on sealing him away. "Not without cause of course. But not every cult is evil. As oxymoronic as that sounds. But it used to mean a group of people devoted to their god of choice, no different than any other religion except they lived solely to dedicate their lives to it. No tricks or schemes, just beliefs. None of that sacrifice or blood here though. I like cleanliness and a good batch of dessert for my alters."
"We aren't here to give your offerings." Batman said simply.
The teen stretched lazily and shrugged.
"You are free to just pray, take a rest, eat, or do whatever you want."
"You don't belong here. You must return to your own realm." Superman said fimly but cordially.
The cultists panicked as they looked between their god and the heroes. Some had disdain etched on their faces others had sadness.
"Don't belong? I do what I want. Who are you people to tell ME what to do? Do you own this planet? This universe?" The god challenged.
"We are the protectors of this planet. Surely you understand that we can't let you stay here using humans like servants." Superman retorted.
Constantine had a bad feeling about what came next as he got between everyone to speak.
"Sorry, forgive him. We don't want to offend. It's just that our universe has had enough beings like you causing issues in the past. We are a bit exhausted because every major event seems to hit our planet. We are a bit defensive."
The teens's lip curled.
"Do you think you are the only planet with such woes? How conceited. What you believe that your little planet is so special that it is the only one subject to the powers of beings you can't control? As we speak there a thousands of beings influencing this world that have a bigger effect than what I'm currently doing. Are you tired of being the playthings of the universe? Bah! The universe doesn't care one bit what goes on on this little planet over the billions of planets in this universe. You are no more special than a bit of algae on a frozen world." The teen sneered.
"But that doesn't change the fact that we would like one less threat to deal with," Batman said as Constantine tried to shut him up. "Even if you do not care about humans, we care what you can do to us."
"A good point but I never said I didn't care. I'm actually fond of humans but no more fond of them than any other lifeforms. There are billions of aliens in this universe alone. But not one is special because all life is special. Not one is better. But any damage I could possibly do to you could easily be done by the many unseen gods of this realm. These beings have built this world from those that actively created it, ignore it, and those that don't even realize it exists. Could you believe that your own creator doesn't know you are there? It's actually very common."
"You're dodging the question and talking in circles. We just want you to leave." Batman sighed irritably.
"You keep telling me to leave. I have just arrived but I've also always been here. Is this how you greet me?" The teen crossed his arms.
"Are you a god of this world?" Wonder Woman stepped forward this time. "You dress like that of a Roman god."
"Do you like it? I got it from Rome a few thousand years ago."
Well, he never failed to turn something into a compliment, that's for sure.
"But that's a complicated question. If you're asking if I made your universe then, no. If your asking if it exists because of me then, yes. It exists because I do. It's my nature. So I'm not a god. I'm a law of nature." The boy leaned back and kicked his feet childishly.
"You look like a kid." Clark blurted.
"Well... you're right. But you didn't have to point it out." He pouted.
"I mean, you just look...like a person. Not a force of nature." Clark quickly corrected.
"I look like what you can perceive me as. Can't ask a two-dimensional creature to understand three dimensions. Think of me as an anthropomorphic personification of a concept." The teen stood up finally and walked around his bowing worshippers.
"And what are you?" Batman said stiffly as the boy reached him.
"I am the Void. The absence of force or untethered space and infinite possibilities. A place of raw unprocessed energy. So if I exist then a tethered space with one string of possibilities exists. Think string theory." The boy laughed.
"Wait, I know what you are. You're an Ancient, an Endless. I thought I'd get a break from your lot after Morphosis." Constantine said.
The group turned to Constantine in surprise, not surprised that he knew what the kid was but that he had done this before.
"Look, kid. Your lot don't show themselves often. Especially not in front of so many people. You'd usually lay low among mortals." Constantine said suspicious of the young Endless. "Do the others know you are playing around?"
The teen presses his lips together. He glares like someone has ruined his game.
"Should I try summoning them and ask." Constantine smirked, he knew he found his in.
"You wouldn't." He frowned.
"I would." Constantine said "Unless you want to go home on your own."
The boy tried to protest but a portal opened on its own and a hand reached out grabbing the boy by the ear.
"What are you doing in the mortal realm this time?! I told you to focus on fixing the timelines not playing god like a child!" The voice boomed.
"But Clockwork-" The teen whined as he was dragged through the portal "I was just pulling a prank. I swear!"
The boy's voice was muffled and distant as he got to the other side. Then the prtal closed and it was over.
The room went silent.
"He was right. There is nothing special about any life form over another. But that also means he is no different than a human child and held to the same standards." Constantine said lighting a cigarette before leaving the ruins. "You can handle the rest right?"
#dc x dp#dpxdc#dc x dp prompt#dp x dc prompt#danny fenton#batman#superman#wonder woman#john constantine#bruce wayne#clark kent#diana prince#dp clockwork#clockwork
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I have no idea what you're talking about
*shoves 20+ AMVs, 10+ fic drafts, 3 playlists, and a mound of screenshots and memes under the bed*
Yep, totally normal about them
âHow do you know you ship them?â
When I see them together, a noise comes out of my mouth and it sounds like a dying horse.
#rayllum#tdp callum#tdp rayla#seriously I don't know why anyone would think i ship them#it's not like they're my pfp or anything#or my blog banner#or what occupys my every waking thought#nope. no sir#thatartist reblogs#thatartist rambles
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Robin had gotten a lot of things from becoming platonic soulmates with Steve Harrington. Rides to school, hair care tips, unrelenting trauma, slightly bitchy dating advice that to her eternal chagrin actually worked, and entree into a weird little family that she couldn't imagine living without.
But also... Robin had to listen to sex talk.
It wasn't bad at first, she had actually gleaned a lot of advice from his stories that stood her in good stead with a few select girls. But then on the Family Video bathroom floor Steve had asked if Robin would be okay with him talking about sex with guys.
She said yes one time and now it was her life.
Steve had spent most of their shift moving tapes around the store, shuffling them into different genres based on what he thought they might be about. It was his standard 'I have something to talk about but I don't know if I can say it' behavior.
"Look," she said flatly. "I'm stopping this now. You have five minutes to sum up the problem and then I don't want to hear it anymore."
Steve put the last tape, a copy of St Elmo's Fire, into the Action-Disaster section before coming back to the counter, sharing his head. "I appreciate the thought Robbie but I don't think you're ready for this."
Robin gasped, ready to take full and dramatic umbrage when a Tasmanian Devil made of leather jacket and cheap sterling silver jewelry banged into the store.
"Babe, did you ask her," Eddie asked, grinning madly.
"Not yet," Steve whined and before Robin could gather her thought she felt two sets of eyes settle on her, one steady and concerned and the other sparkling with glee.
Robin stepped back from the counter and held her hands out in front of her. "I don't know what's going on here but no, I will not carry a baby for you two. Get Steve knocked up the old fashioned way if you want kids."
Steve brightened for a moment before pouting, "You wouldn't want to bring a little Buckley-Harrington-Munson into the world? Wow, Robs."
Eddie lunged forward, pushing past Steve to plant his hands on the counter. "We'll come back to that Buckley, but we have a different issue. We need you to be a completely impartial party."
"We really don't," Steve said. "This is not a big deal."
"I disagree," Eddie said. "I happen to think this is a very big deal."
"Well, and--," Steve said. "Isn't 'big' the problem?"
"It's not a problem for me," Eddie said, leering at Steve.
Robin stepped forward and waved her hands between the two guys, interrupting their creepy eye contact. "Okay, fine, tell me what's going on but make it snappy."
Steve hummed but didn't say anything. Eddie grinned and looked from Robin to his boyfriend and back again. He opened his mouth but before he could say anything Steve's hand was pressed half over his face.
"Eddie wants me to try sitting on his face but I'm afraid I'll, like, suffocate him to death." Steve grimaced and pulled his hand away from Eddie before rubbing it roughly on his jeans. "Gross, Eds."
Robin shook her head while they started squabbling. Steve was her best friend and Eddie was a close second. Part of being a best friend was apparently arbitrating their weird sex arguments.
The squabbling had evolved into a slap fight so Robin took the opportunity to examine them. They were the same height but Steve probably had a few pounds on Eddie. Then again Robin knew Eddie was stronger than he looked. Given the way Eddie hadn't stooped smiling since he walked in he definitely didn't seem intimidated by the idea.
Okay.
"Okay," Robin said sharply. "Knock it off. I decided."
The two boys stopped, Steve's arm locked around Eddie's neck while it looked like Eddie was trying to either give Steve a wedgie or just straight up shove his arm down Steve's acid-washed jeans.
It took a few moments for them to separate and put themselves back to rights before they were finally standing in front of her waiting for a verdict.
Robin looked from Steve to Eddie, then back again. She nodded towards Eddie before winking at her best friend. "If he dies, he dies."
"Thank you, Buckley," Eddie crowed, before turning on his heel and heading for the door.
"Where are you going," Steve called out.
Eddie turned back. "I gotta do some stretches, baby," Eddie said, rolling his neck. "I have plans." Eddie blew Steve a kiss before rubbing his hands together and walking out the door.
Robin looked at Steve, his hand still clenched in front of him where he had 'caught' the kiss, a bright red flush on his cheeks.
"I'm gonna marry that man," Steve murmured.
#fanfiction#fanfic#littlechivalry#my writing#steve harrington#steddie#eddie munson#stranger things#robin buckley#steve and robin know way too much about each other#steve and eddie are idiot4idiot
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if you'll allow me to flaunt my psych minor for a second, I'd like to talk about epigenetics. there's studies that show that if you shock a rat when you let them taste a certain flavor, they will immediately become averse to that flavor. not surprising. what is surprising is that the rat's grandchildren, who have never been shocked when given that flavor, will also be averse to it and afraid of it and avoid it. there's also correlational evidence to suggest that the descendants of people who suffered through famine are more likely to put on weight and keep it on easier, even if they have never been through a famine themself.
trauma gets passed down. the kinds of trauma your parents, grandparents, and so-on lived through is still living in you. even if your parents were the most well-off, loving, best parents in the world, their trauma is still in you.
now if you'll allow me to take a slight turn here: there's a wild rabbit inside every jew.
my dad grew up being called "jew-boy." my mother had a coworker throw pennies at her at her job in the 2010s. and that's just two examples. they both grew up being harassed for being jewish. I wasn't. I'm incredibly lucky. the amount of antisemitism I've experienced in real life has been incredibly minimal. I didn't even hear anyone make an antisemitic joke in front of me until college.
and none of us were seriously persecuted. none of my grandparents were seriously persecuted. but even though nobody's broken my windows, nobody's beaten me in the streets, and I haven't been at any of those horrible protests in person, the fear is there. this deep seated, blood-pumping fear of the ancient jewish rabbit in me telling me to run. to run for dear life, to run as far as my legs can get me, as long as my heart keeps pumping and my lungs keep breathing.
we all feel this.
everyone feels this.
I called my mother yesterday. when I brought up this feeling she paused, and the silence said everything. she told me I wasn't alone. she feels it. my dad feels it. my brother feels it. my nana and grampa feel it. every jew you know, online, in real life, hell, even the famous ones, they feel it. the rabbit is inside us all, and the rabbit knows, because its brothers who didn't flee in the past were slaughtered.
the rabbit is leaping around my chest, all of our chests, chanting run run run run run run run.
I don't know if I can explain it to gentiles. I don't know if this makes sense to you. I don't know how to get across how crystal clear and deep and primal this fear is, and how much all of us are feeling the exact same fear, despite our different lives and different histories and the fact we're different people.
part of me wishes it didn't matter. that I didn't feel like I needed to get goyim to understand my specific cultural and ethnic experiences. because I don't feel like I need to deeply understand everyone else's. I am a white passing ashkenazi american jew, and I will never fully understand what it is like to be anything else. that doesn't dissolve my responsibility to educate myself and practice empathy, but it's ok. idk, maybe other people do desperately wish they could get people not in their specific group to deeply understand what it's like to be them. I imagine that feeling is universal. I guess, it's just like, the left is unified that everyone is a person, everyone is equal, everyone is human, except the jews. nobody is left out but the jews. everyone's word is believed, but the jews. and it makes me feel like I have to beg and plead with people to understand what being jewish means, because we're not included with everyone else. we're the enemy. and I want people to see we're not the enemy.
epigenetics.
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8x06 fix-it fic: Amnion
Buck doesn't bounce back from Tommy the way he did with all his other breakups for reasons he can't articulate or even look at. He thinks of how long it took him to recover from Abby, but even that felt different, because he'd had hope carrying him through most of it. He doesn't have that now.
The worst part is it's bringing everyone else down. It's starting to affect the job, and he can't take any more of Bobby's pity dinner invites or the kid gloves Eddie handles him with. Then one day, Chimney (in an attempt to lighten the mood) asks Buck if he's pregnant, and it awakens some primordial rage in Buck that he never knew he possessed and damn near rips off Chimney's head about it.
But once the blood levels in his adrenaline start rising and he calms down, he starts thinking about it. Before he knows it he's thinking about it day and night, and now that's starting to affect the job more than his heartbreak had been.
Then one night Maddie invites him over to watch trash TV and eat junk food until they can't feel feelings anymore, but instead of the patented Maddie Hug he's expecting, she hands him a First Response test stick the second he walks in the door.
Five minutes later, he comes out of the bathroom pale-faced and dripping tears because there are two lines in the test result window, and Maddie leads him over to the couch where they curl up and cry together. Just like the old days.
Maddie asks if he's going to tell Tommy, but there's no judgment in her voice, like she's behind him no matter what he decides, and Buck tries to make her laugh when he says, "How do you know it's his? I could've been living it up for the last month. New person almost every night. Exploring myself."
She just gives him a Look. Also patented.
Under the weight of her scrutiny, Buck thinks about Tommy's face before he left the loft that night and how ''Buck'' looked and sounded so wrong coming from him. Like the shape of it was so painful he could barely move his mouth around it.
Finally, he shakes his head. His eyes well up with more tears, which feels impossible, because the human body can't possibly produce this much liquid. He's going to drown them both. "I thought... I thought we had a future, Maddie. I really did. I guess I still get one... but only with part of him."
A couple of months pass and Buck's entire world shifts. The 118 have rallied around him in a way that almost feels like they're closing ranks to every other firehouse. Eddie becomes especially protective and devises a 5000-point care plan that makes him twitch if Buck so much as thinks about deviating from it, but he also keeps telling Buck that he needs to tell Tommy about the pregnancy.
"If only to get his family history," Eddie says reasonably, but there's something pleading in his voice every time, like there's so much more under the surface that he's trying to keep under wraps. Like there's more about this that he thinks Tommy should know.
Chimney's in the middle of explaining why he's stealing the cool uncle crown from Buck and sitting pretty on the throne when Buck asks him about it.
"Is there something about Tommy that no one's telling me?"
It trips Chimney up. Literally. He just barely catches himself from going headfirst into the kitchen counter.
Buck's heart starts pounding. "Chim, does he know?"
"No," Chimney says, firm and almost a little offended. "We promised you we wouldn't say anything. But Buck... you should tell him. You should talk to him."
Part of him wants to whip his phone out right then and there and dial Tommy's number. He could do what he did the first time: ask to meet somewhere and laugh about bad coffee and plead his case for a second chance. He could reach across the table for his hand, but this time, he'd stand up and walk over to Tommy and place it on his belly. "I don't care about firsts or lasts," he'd say. "I care about only's. And you're the only one I want."
But the other part of him, still licking its wounds, hormones in flux and forcing organs to shift and bend as it makes room for the thing he and Tommy made together, bares its teeth and snaps, "He made it very clear that he had no interest in hearing what I had to say."
Chimney never brings it up again.
Meanwhile, Hen goes a little overboard with forcing him to undergo random physicalsâshe pops out of the shadows twice a day to ambush him with the blood pressure machine, and he keeps threatening to avoid rooms that have doorsâbut he loves it. His body is a complete stranger to him for the first time in a long time, but the changes he's experiencing are interesting and he's having a blast cataloging every new one. He and Hen have a spreadsheet with like fifty tabs, and she helps him navigate every test his actual OBGYN sets him up for.
He's over her house at least once a week, although pregnancy talk at the dinner table is verboten.
"If one of you says the word 'amniocentesis' one more time, I will start a food fight," Karen had said, finally putting her foot down. Across the table, Denny perked up.
As much as he hesitates to even think the Q-word, it's a pretty quiet pregnancy. The cravings are kind of wild, though, and he goes most of his first trimester feeling like he's going to die if he can't eat rice krispie treats with cottage cheese. Every time Bobby sees him cracking open another container of Hood, it looks like he's seriously reconsidering sobriety.
But as incredible as they are about the pregnancy, they're all tiptoeing around the other elephant in the room: when Buck is going to stop working scenes. He and Bobby have a series of discussions that satisfies neither of them and resolves nothing, and it builds to a big blow-out that ends when Bobby tearfully begs Buck to stop risking his own life and the life of Bobby's grandkid.
After that, it's like some stone thing in him dissolves into sand and he finally eases back a bit in his fifth month. He doesn't put up a fight when Bobby orders him to only handle the winch or stick with hose duty, and if he stays a little closer to the engine because he gets winded so easily these days, no one comments on it.
In his sixth month, the inevitable happens: there's a call out at Palos Verdes and it's all hands on deck, which means the 217 is there too. At first he thinks he might make it through without running into Tommy at all, but he turns a corner andâthere he is. Smudged with mud and looking like a drowned rat because of the downpours, but in his turnouts he's big and capable and, for a second, he's walking into First Presbyterian and apologizing for missing the ceremony.
But the memory is easily wrestled back into the past the second Tommy's gaze fixes on Buck's belly.
Buck wants to stage a retreat that would make the Allies at Dunkirk stand up and applaud. He wants to throw his arms open so Tommy can get a better look at it, say something cool and mean, like, "Did you know that INNOTEX makes turnouts for carriers these days? Pretty progressive of them, if you ask me."
He wants to be weak and ask if Tommy will spare him a hug. Just one. Nothing greedy. Justâa moment to soak in his warmth, to inhale the smell of his skin. Enough to carry him through the rest of it.
But he does none of that. He inhales through his nose, lifts his chin, and says, "Firefighter Kinard."
At that, Tommy smiles, and it's completely awful. There's no joy in it. Not even amusement. He looks like he wants to be sick, and Buck feels like a monster.
But Tommy swallows and says, earnest as anything, "Congratulations. I-I knew you'd find it. I never doubted for a second that you'd find the person who'd be your last."
Even as he says it, Tommy's face does something indescribable, but it rips through Buck's chest and shatters his ribs, tearing through pericardial layers until it scores the vulnerable muscle of his heart. It's so shocking that it almost knocks the truth right out of Buck's mouth.
Someone comes over the radio and requests all available first responders with flight experience to report to the B-zone, and Tommy straightens up and locks whatever it was away.
With an unsteady hand, he tips an invisible hat to Buck and says wryly, "Firefighter Buckley," before jogging away.
And Buck stands there like an idiot watching him go. It's that night all over again. It's Buck instead of Evan.
"See you around," he whispers, and then runs back to his post in the A-zone.
+
Tommy gets the call when he's halfway through a burrito foisted upon him by Dana, who had taken one look at him and said, "You look like a flood victim. Eat something before I get HR involved."
He'd taken a mutinous bite and couldn't argue with her. Months later and it still felt like he'd watched everything he loved wash away with a tide he couldn't fight. Except he'd sent the tide himself. He had no business feeling like this.
But they send him to the site of a car accident where a pregnant driver had been T-boned by some asshole who ran the red light, and the RA unit called to the scene didn't have the right equipment to assess the fetus. But the victim's belly was hard enough to warrant a med evac.
By the time Dana gets the victim loaded on the backboard and inside, Tommy's already on with both First Presbyterian and LA General to see whose neonatal surgery team is available.
The door on Tommy's side slides open and Tommy turns in his seat to ask what the hell Dana's doing over there, but it's Hen who's pulling herself inside.
His stomach clenches with dread. "Hen?"
"I'm riding with you," she shouts, taking the headset that Dana gives her.
He looks just beyond her and wishes he'd had the presence of mind to listen to the manifest when Dana had read it aloud to him, because Evan Buckley is strapped to the gurney and looks like he's on a completely different planet.
"Hen." Tommy can't hear him say her name, but he sees Evan's mouth shape the word. Evan reaches clumsily out for her with one hand while pressing the other to his belly.
Hen murmurs something to him that the comms can't pick up, and Tommy wonders if they've notified Maddie, if they've notified the father, whoever they are. If they're already at the hospital waiting for them. If Tommy will have to see them, talk to them face to face.
Tommy bites the inside of his cheek until he feels the hot wash of blood over his tongue, then forces everything down to join the burrito from earlier that really wants to make a reappearance. It isn't his right to know any of it. That went out with the tide, too.
He locks it down tight enough that he gets them into the air so easily they might be a feather on the wind, then he heads in the direction of First Presbyterian. The real start of it all.
They're maybe halfway across the city when Evan shouts, desperation and fear carrying his voice over the rotors, the words sliding together, "Hen, check Nora! Y-Y'need to châ"
"Nora's fine, Buck," Hen says, her voice clear as a bell in Tommy's ear.
Staring at a skyline he can't see, Tommy says, "'Nora'? Was someone else in the car with him?"
When Hen comes over the comm, her voice is as inescapable as a flood. "Nora's what he decided on for the baby. It's her name."
Tommy's hand tightens on the cyclic so the way it starts shaking won't be so obvious. "Nora was my grandmother's name."
He'd told Buck about the woman who was basically the only family he could stand, who was responsible for not letting him become his piece of shit father, who accepted him when no one else would. She'd meant the world to him. She'd been the world to him. And for Evan to give his kid her nameâ
Realization hits like a levy breaking, and he turns to look wide-eyed over his shoulder at Hen, because it can'tâhe couldn't beâ
"Patient, male, 33, prenatal course complicated at 8 months gestation," Dispatch had said.
The timeline is right.
Hen stares right back, as good of a confirmation that he could get outside of a DNA test.
Without breaking her gaze, Tommy tells Dana to take over. She gives him an unreadable look but says nothing except, "Copy that," and smoothly resumes their journey while he squeezes into the back. There's hardly any room next to the gurney and his knees are compressing his lungs, but he takes Evan's' hand and stares blankly at the shiner forming around his right eye until Hen breaks the silence.
Why didn't you tell me, he wants to demand, but he knows that if he so much as opens his mouth, he's going to start screaming until someone sedates him.
"For the record," she says, "I hate what you did. I hate what you took from him. But I understand why you did it."
Tommy rolls his lips inward and wants to suffocate himself to death. She understands? Does she? Does she know a life can be obliterated in the span of a minute? Does she know what it is to live a half life, to walk through the world like a five-year old drew a scribble on a blank sheet of paper that was supposed to be a person?
Does she know what Evan looks like when his joy is sucked away? Because Tommy does. She hates what he did? No one hates what he did more than him. No one hates him more than him.
Shakily, he lifts his other hand and touches the tips of his fingers to Evan's birthmark, which used to know the touch of his lips so well that Evan would joke that it was actually in the shape of Tommy's mouth print. Like a brand.
He forces himself to inhale. It seems impossible that Evan's here, carrying their child, their Nora. Evan used to say the lightning strike gave him super powers, made him invincible, and Tommy's ashamed to admit that he almost believed him. It seemed like nothing could ever bring Evan Buckley down, but here he is in Tommy's sky, halfway to Heaven already.
He glances at the LifePAKâwhere Evan's life has been concentrated into a series of lines and numbers, the reading strong despite everythingâand then looks back at Evan, who is still the most beautiful man Tommy has ever seen even now.
"Evan," he chokes out.
There's no answer. At least not from Evan.
Across from him, Hen breathes through her nose and then quietly says, "I'm only going to say this once, Tommy, so I hope you're listening. If you can't trust him to know what his own heart wants, then this flight will never have happened. When he wakes up, you will not have been here. I'll change the manifest myself."
Tommy closes his eyes. Something hot spills down his cheeks.
"I know things haven't been all sunshine and roses for you. Lucy's said you've basically shut down since it ended. I know you're hurting just as much as Buck is... which is why I'm telling you: be sure. He's going to have enough on his plate without worrying about whether or not you're going to swan out of his life again. You need to be sure, Tommy."
Tommy doesn't say anything, but he opens his eyes and holds her gaze without flinching, and he tightens his hold on Evan's hand.
The rest of the flight passes in the kind of silence that feels like a cyst was lanced. Or maybe a boil, as it were.
+
Buck wakes up in stages to find he's in a hospital bed, and when he puts a hand on his belly it's smaller and almost deflated beneath his palm. He is just starting to hyperventilate when suddenly Tommy's there, murmuring to him, "You're okay. Everything's okay, I promise, she's fine. She's fine. Look."
And Buck, heart racing, forces himself to breathe slowly while he follows Tommy's gaze down to the bundle in Tommy's arms. Then he stops breathing altogether.
"She's fine," Tommy says. "A little early, according to the doctor, but absolutely fine."
Buck collapses back to the bed and weeps in relief, because she's fine. She's here and she's fine and she's perfect. Tommy gently places her in Buck's arms before retreating to the chair next to the bed which has a dent in the vinyl in the shape of his ass.
But Buck is enraptured with Nora, who smacks her lips in her sleep, and he marvels aloud, "She has my mouth."
"Thank God for that," Tommy says with a laugh. "It'll help take the focus off my nose. Poor kid."
It hits Buck like lightning that Tommy is here. He's in this room and talking about Nora likeâlike he knows. And there are things Buck should probably be saying, like apologizing for not telling Tommy about her as soon as he found out, or asking why he's there at all, but the words are crowding in his mouth and he can't figure out which ones should go first.
Tommy's lips twitch in a smile that is awful to look at, like he completely understand Buck's struggle, but his voice is soft and even when he says, "I need you to know that it wasn't about you. Not you personally. It never was."
Buck stops trying to speak and just stares at him, because that is bullshit, and oh, he knows which words should come first, and he opens his mouth to release them into the wild but Tommy holds up a hand.
"I know," he says. "I was a coward and an asshole, and I'm more sorry than I can possibly say. I won't ever be able to make up for what I did. But I need you to know why I did it."
And, in fits and starts before he finally finds the thread, Tommy tells him about Jeremy.
After Tommy ended things with Abby and then finally came out, he dated around for a long time before he met Jeremy, who was brilliant and fun and new. Tommy was the first man Jeremy had ever been with, and Jeremy was the first person Tommy saw a future with. He'd been so sure about Jeremy. He'd believed that Jeremy was it.
Until, almost two years in, Jeremy ended it. He'd sat Tommy down and said kindly, cruelly, "You're amazing, Tom, but you're just the first. You can't be my last." And then he'd left Tommy completely shattered in the rearview.
"That night, when you asked me to move in... it was like I was watching him put on his coat all over again," Tommy says shakily. "But what I felt for you was lightyears beyond anything I felt for him. I'd fallen so hard for you that I knew if I had to watch you walk away I'd never get up again."
Buck stares at Tommy, eyes rimmed red, and says, "So instead you made me watch you walk away."
It must land like a fist because Tommy exhales sharply and hangs his head, bowing around the pain. He sits like that for a moment, absorbing it, before he lifts his head and nods. "Yeah. That's exactly what I did."
There are deep, dark circles under Tommy's eyes that speak of a hundred sleepless nights, and his body is sharper, leaner, trimmed entirely of anything soft. He's made entirely of angles. He's so unfairly hot. He's miserable to look at.
Buck swallows and murmurs, "You look like there's no love in your life, Tommy."
Sucking in a trembling breath, Tommy smiles weakly and sketches a shrug. It looks like the fatigued steel of his edges are starting to crack.
"I left all my love with you that night." His gaze darts down. "Among other things."
Buck looks down at Nora, who's sleeping the sleep of someone already exhausted by existence, or maybe just by her fathers' drama, and thinks that maybe he really has been carrying all his love plus Tommy's around. Because otherwise he has no idea how he's so full of it.
"She's absolutely perfect," Buck says, smiling dopily.
"She's... more than anything I could've ever dreamed of."
He looks up in time to see Tommy drop his gaze to the floor at the same time his shoulders lift and lock like they're bracing for a blow. And in a voice so thin it's barely a sound, Tommy says, "I know I don't have... any right to ask, but is there any... any chance I could be part of her life?"
The tears that have been languishing at the edges of Buck's eyes finally see an opportunity. He doesn't think he could've held them back any longer if he tried.
Mouth trembling, he whispers, "Just hers?"
At that, Tommy looks up, eyes wide, disbelief and hope chasing each other across his face like dogs. He jerks a little in his chair but he doesn't move. He doesn't move.
Buck stares at him, a tsunami pulling everything back from his shoreline, and bites out, "Thomas James Kinard, if you don't get over here and kiss me, I swear to Christâ"
But Tommy's out of the chair and at his bedside, cupping Buck's face and tenderly smearing a kiss over his open mouth, licking the relieved gasp right off Buck's tongue.
Between them, Nora makes a tiny noise, and Tommy startles away just enough that he can press the side of his head to Buck's and gaze down at her with a tremulous smile.
"She really is something, huh? Sorry about the nose, kiddo," he says softly.
Buck knocks their heads together and says, "I happen to love that nose, thanks. And like you said, my lips will help balance it out."
Huffing a laugh, Tommy kisses Buck's lips. And the side of his nose and the bolt of his jaw. Then he leans down and presses a kiss to Nora's little pink and blue hat.
"I'm sure if you are," Tommy murmurs, tilting his chin up so he can flash a brave smile up at Buck, who smiles back.
"I was always sure."
#bucktommy#bucktommy fic#tevan#tevan fic#mpreg#911 8x06#fix it fic fest 2k24#fun fact: i originally wrote this in the tags of another post but guess what! there's a tag limit! and i lost 2/3 of it#it forced me to actually write it as a story instead of tag fic though so... thanks tumblr?
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This is a silly bumper sticker I found in the wild
And a picture of my idiot baby son
I hope it gives u a molecule of dopamine
hey guys
I'm not doing too great today (and most of us are in the same boat, it seems)
Please send me something that made you laugh recently
or like. A picture of your dog wearing a random object as a hat
or just a ":]" emoticon
thank you cousins
we will get through this together
and remember the skate park is always open for rants or shreds
even if I'm not there my friends are really cool, you'd like them
I love you
#i know we're not moots or anything but i saw this and was like 'yea thats actually something i can do'#wanted to help#tbh im in the same boat. exhausted and numb and joyless. so the idea of sharing little joys is v appealing to me#anyway i know these silly pictures don't fix things but i hope it adds a little light. youre not alone
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You in their eyes, how do they see you?
(Future spouse/partner/lover)
This is a general reading meant for multiple people. Take only what resonates and leave out the rest.
Your feedback is much appreciated. If you find the reading resonated with you, leave a comment, Iâd love to know đ
About me | Masterpost Book a reading with me - KO-FI (â personal reading)
MAELSTROM
âą Spirit animal: Turtle
You're a balanced combination of both soft, mysterious energy and firm, assertive energy. They can definitely see that you have mental compatibility with each other. Words flow between you effortlessly, conversations would take hours without anyone noticing time was flying by. They can talk about anything with you without fear of judgement and misunderstanding. You stimulate their mind, and when conflicts arise, you can discuss them logically with clarity without letting emotions take over you. This make problems solving between you and them easier, leaving less space for resentment and unresolved feelings.
You seem reserved and quiet in their eyes. Your display of emotions and affection is subtle and intuitive, a quiet devotion that embraces them every day without suffocating them. Though, sometimes, they would have difficulties in trying to decipher your deeper feelings, to understand you at your core, the part that you conceal from them.
But they admire your ability to embrace your inner child fully. They know that this didn't come naturally for you, there's a journey behind it, lessons and hardship you had to go through in order to protect and bring your inner child to the world, no matter how you're perceived. They love this courage, this fearless attitude when you have to face people's opinions, you don't let yourself be swayed by them. Sometimes, you can even be rebellious. But the funny thing is, the more you fight, the more rebellious you're, the more attractive you're in their eyes. And it's not like you go about it in an aggressive and confrontional method. You do you, unapologetically, like a child unaware of how seemingly "odd" their behaviour is in other's eyes. But they know you're not childish. Behind that oblivious attitude is a strong sense of self, a wise person, ruling their own inner kingdom with iron fists. Like a ballerina, their movements can be so graceful only because they've spent endless hours discipline themselves and practised.
Sometimes, they can think that you're being too engrossed in the pursuit of material achievements, like you're always in preparation mode for some disasters looming in the distant future. Greedy might be too strong of a word, but they can view you as materialistic or have a mindset of lack. They understand that material security is very important to you. You need to feel a strong foundation under your feet to feel safe. That can make you overwork yourself to the point of exhaustion, always looking for the next thing to do. But they can see you putting that same effort in making the relationship work, you care about them and are willing to take care of things to make their life easier. They will feel that you're always there when they need you, your presence is a constant that is very much needed in their life. They would feel empty, a part of them is missing when you're away.
SEA FOAM
âą Spirit animal: Fish
They think you're their good karma (if you believe in the concept of karma) or a reward, a surprise given to them by some higher powers. I see the image of someone being ushered into someone's life. Both parties can be quite reluctant at first, but as fate has it, you and them need to be together. There's a heavy element of fatefulness in this connection, or so that's how they see it. You are destined to love each other, no matter how much both of you try to deny or run away from it.
I think you will be the one who does the running away in the beginning. You seem "hard to catch", like trying to catch a fish with their bare hands. You would fleet in and out of their life at first, they can't seem to figure you out. But your presence will be a pushing force in their life, pushing them into a different direction, to where they are afraid to tread but secretly wish to.
In their eyes, you can be a little immature or temperamental, acting on whims of the moment. This makes you exciting and unique but sometimes, also agitating and hard to pin down. It's like they're torn between the feeling of love and frustration for you. Their personality probably is more serious and intense than yours. They want to be in the deep water with their lover, but you seem to refuse to swim there with them. But they will always want to care for you, to protect you from the harsh world outside.
The way you talk and act just exudes a young and pure energy, as of someone who, just for the first time, allowed to go outside to explore. You might talk a lot (compare to them), you ask questions, sometimes funny one, sometimes philosophical one, sometimes silly one. They will like to indulge you, patiently answer each one of your questions, then sometimes they can get irritated and start to lecture you, to that, you will just ask more questions. You want to learn, to understand this world. Behind that seemingly busy bee mind is a yearning to explore, to be free and soaring. And even if they can't fly with you, they sure will gather all the winds to lift your wings, instead of trying to pull you down into their water (who's the fish here?).
Your habits might be a little more messy or undisciplined compared to this person. You seem confused lots of times and don't have a good grasp of how to navigate your daily life efficiently, yet miraculously, you still swim through life effortlessly, much to their amazement. You don't fret too much about the future, somehow always arrive at the desired destination on time, things just work out for you, as if you just need to focus on taking good care of yourself and be contented, the rest will be taken care of for you by some mysterious force. This contrasts sharply with their approach to life, always planning ahead, always wanting to control the outcome. This creates a complementary dynamic between you two. Where you need structure, they provide, where they need spontaneity, you provide. In the end, no matter how different you guys are, you just fit each other neatly, like puzzle pieces.
SANDSTORM
âą Spirit animal: Swan
They just know that you're the perfect partner for them, the one they need to get married to or at least make a serious, long-term commitment. You just possess all the qualities they seek in a spouse, the thought of committing probably will appear in their mind early on. You have a natural ability to understand them, nurture and protect them, at the same time, be a reliable pillar of strength for them. You are serious in your commitment, never take feelings for granted, you date with marriage as end goal in mind. They also think you would make a good parent, someone with enough tenderness and discipline to raise children with good balance.
Your work might involve lots of travelling and communicating. They can see that these are prominent parts of your life, demanding a large chunk of your time. They think that you tend to overwork yourself, being too engrossed in working, you're always busy, I wonder if this also means that you don't spend enough time with them, they feel like they have to demand for your time, to take you away from whatever is bothering your mind. Security is very important to you, you need to feel abundant to feel safe, yet they think you hardly ever feel that way, hence the constant working. They will want to help you in this area, just like how you help them. You mirror each other, in energy, in intentions, both of you want to care for each other in the same way as the other person does.
They probably like to hear your voice, be it talking, singing, or making other sounds. It feels soothing and calming for them. What you say also brings a new perspective, widening their view about the world. They sometimes see you as a teacher, whom they should listen to and want to be guided by. You just move through life gracefully, always open to new adventure, but still leave space for contemplating deeper meanings about everything. Like a philosopher wandering through life, observing the world, and sharing wisdom with the people. You need to be constantly in motion, travelling, or just moving around, and they're happy to be your companion, though they might sometimes want to slow down and rest a little.
They think you have a lot to uncover. You hide a huge treasure of deep love inside, something too intense for you to confidently show to the world. They would be sad to see you lock your dreams away, and they are willing to help make your dreams come true, if you would just ask them to. Your inner child is also someone they want to get close to. You seem to be disconnected from your inner child. They can feel that you want to connect, but something in your psyche is scaring your inner child away, making them reluctant to join the "family". From the outside, this makes you look a little cold or unaffectionate, you're discreet with your love, only ever bring it out when you completely trust someone. They would want to reach out their hands and pull your inner child closer, to give your inner child a hug.
DUSK
âą Spirit animal: Phoenix
They think that you being in a relationship with them is be a big step away from your past wounds. Not that they want the credit for themselves, but as an admiration for you, for your strength. They can see that you had a great fear concerning relationship and commitment in general. Maybe you have been burnt in the past, childhood baggage, and the bad examples you saw around you made you wary of love. So choosing to be in a relationship with someone, being committed to that person, trusting that person enough to share yourself with them, all of these are really brave actions in their eyes. It shows that you don't let your past hold you back and define you, you rise above it and are willing to change, to choose happiness for yourself. Sometimes, they would reminisce about the initial getting-to-know-each-other phase, how many obstacles they saw in your connection, and how hard it was for them to gain your trust and affection. They would even tease you for it.
Your life seems to be ridden with changes of direction. You're not meant to stay still in one place, both mentally and physically. Life will always present you some events to push you to move. You can't stay stagnant, if you think you're contented with the current situation, then sure enough, there would be an event, an opportunity appearing in front of you, making you reevaluate your current direction in life. So life with you definitely won't lack movements and changes. Another thing is, you also actively seek to restructure your life. From small hobbies to big life decisions, you can be pretty random and go with the flow. You would change the plan at the last minute, planning to turn left, then suddenly turn right because something caught your attention that made you change your mind. Or some mornings, you would suddenly announce that you will take up a new hobby, register for a dance class, learning new language etc. without prior warning.
Life with you would be busy, you always have something to do, a task to complete, a news to watch, a track to run, a book to read. It's like they can't never see you being still. Maybe that also made them feel like you were afraid of commitment when they first got to know you. They could feel that you're too busy for love. But of course, that's not true, being a busy bee is just who you are, and over time, they've gotten used to it and adapted to it well. That busy energy also shows itself in the way you talk. Maybe you talk a lot, very fast, always have something witty to say. They love your humour, your ability to look at yourself, and joke without being defensive. The way you express your ideas and emotions is clear and rational but not cold. You know when to offer the softest words of encouragement and when to debate with the sharpest points.
They think you like to beautify yourself, you like beautiful things but at the same time you seem to be reluctant to spend on yourself, almost like you're stingy with yourself. Even if you like something, you might rationalise and deny yourself that thing. You want to earn lots of money yet don't feel comfortable spending it, especially for yourself. They know this trait of yours, so they will try to guess your desire and get it for you. You're not stingy with them or everyone, though, you're likely to pour your resources into the people you love and the house you share with them. You might like to beautify the house instead. Which is where you would like to stay a lot. You can seem like a homebody to them (with all the busy work) but you will have to go out and make an appearance in the world and they know the world loves you.
SIERRA
âą Spirit animal: Phoenix
If they were the wind, they would lift your wings up as much as they could. Your person sees so much potential in you, so many talents, yet you're limiting yourself with your fears. You have an enormous desire to learn and expand your mind. But you also fear going deeper. You might be the kind of person who learns various subjects simultaneously, has a good grasp of everything, but doesn't dig too deep into any particular subjects. Not because you're shallow or impatient, it's the opposite, you know that once you've engrossed yourself in something, you go all in, it would get to the core really fast, and this drains your time and energy so much, you're reluctant to dive in. You also know that there will be hidden things inside you that need to be uncovered if you were to go any deeper. But they think you have the strength to do this because they understand, deep down, you're much happier when you devote yourself to something.
And they know you devote yourself to them and the relationship. Once you're in a commitment, you take it seriously, you see your life as an entanglement with each other, not just one's own anymore. In a way, you're a team person, someone who has a talent for working with people. This makes being in a relationship with you so much easier. Because you're willing to cooperate and want to make a team effort to build the relationship strong, instead of demanding from a selfish stance.
But you're not a pushover or a people pleaser in their eyes. Your individuality shines intensely. You have no trouble being yourself, you can't help being yourself. Even if you wear normal clothing like everyone else, blending in quietly, you still somehow stand out to them. Like a visible halo around you is beckoning them. They admire your creative energy so much, if they're ever short of ideas, they can always turn to you to get some. If you want to pursue some creative endeavours, they would probably encourage and support you wholeheartedly. Because they believe in you.
They also love your playful side, which you only show to a few close ones, and only in a comfortable space. You appear much more serious in public than when you're with them in private. When you're home with them, you can be tender, childish but also very seductive, you show yourself fully to them. You can act silly, making jokes all the time with them, being competitive in games, or playing pranks on them. But all of those are saved for alone time together. Outside, to the world, you're more uptight, serious. People also respect you a lot, looking up to you like a teacher. What you say probably are well listened to by people. You appear as a wise, mature friend, whom people can come to for sound advice. Your person would sometimes chuckle quietly to themselves whenever they see you out in public or with acquaintances. Those people wouldn't imagine how you would act in private, imagine their reaction when they found out some of your silly jokes. They definitely think you have the world fooled.
RIVER
âą Spirit animal: Lamb
You're a quiet presence that haunts their psyche in an inexplicable way. They sometimes can't understand why they're so drawn to you, they have that feeling in their heart, but they can't put it into word. If someone asks your person how they feel about you, they would stumble a bit and would take a long time to come up with a coherent answer. Don't mistake this for their lack of affection or commitment, they just haven't fully comprehended your effect on them. When they hear the question, in their mind, the image of you would be conjured up in so many different ways and different areas, it's like you're everywhere.
They admire your grace under pressure. Your quietness doesn't mean you're meek or naive. Your energy is pure and wise. The hardship you encountered in the past didn't turn you into a bitter and cold person. On the contrary, you developed compassion for other's suffering. Everyone has their own story and they deserve to tell them without shame. Each pain is traded with wisdom. They probably wish to learn a thing or two from your stoicism. You're here, in the present, you don't put your mind to needless worrying nor do you cling to the past.
You're the person they would always turn to when they need an advice, your words have a stabilising effect on them, you make them believe that everything will be okay in the end, that they're safe and sound. You might not talk a lot, superfluous information doesn't interest you, but each word holds values. You can talk about deep and taboo topics without judgement, fear or prejudice. Your person will also love your voice, it sounds tender and calming, though they may wish that you would talk more so that they can hear your voice more.
They do notice, when they've gotten closer to you, that you tend to hold in your anger, you don't want it to affect other people, but your person will worry that this can affect you negatively. You also hold your drive and ambitions close to your chest, refusing to disclose them to others. You work silently, diligently towards your goals. It's like you don't want to show anything too overt, your emotions, your struggle, your passion, they are kept simmering inside, while outwardly, you show a serene and placid disposition.
In love, you show a more relaxed energy to them, like a child finally out of the house after a heavy rain, enjoying the freshness and the earthy scent of everything. You can act a little more erratic with them than when you're with other people. Maybe they adore that side of you or more tolerate towards it. You can be unpredictable, not showing your cards fully. They sometimes have to guess how much you love them, how you feel about them. They can ask you for your opinion about other matters and receive practical and solid answers from you, but when the questions change to the topic of personal feelings and love, you can be elusive. This frustrates them greatly but also pull them to you greatly. You're like the muse and the poet at the same time. And they're your avid reader.
#pick a card#pick a pile#tarotblr#witchblr#crystal reading#lithomancy#tarot reading#divination#tarot#tarot community#astro community#astrology#astro#crystal#witch community#astroblr#tarot witch#love reading#future spouse#occult#pick a stone
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Essek approaching Vox Machina, heroes of legend. They don't know who he is. Even if they did know he was Essek and not Seth, they still wouldn't know why he needs to know that the Nein are safe. They don't know they're his family, that one of them is his partner. I'm fond of them, is all he can say.
He introduces them to his brother. His sweet baby brother, the only member of his blood family he truly loves. Verin, who's going off into hell (just like their father did) - but maybe, if these heroes know him, they might help him, they might protect him. Verin is far from the Beacons here; he has no second chance if he goes down.
Essek who once said, 'I haven't cared about anyone for the century I've been alive.' Essek, now aching with love, so much that he'll grasp at anything that could reassure him that his family are safe. Essek, having to let them all go: friends, brother, Caleb.
It was so much easier, back when he didn't care.
(He still wouldn't change a thing.)
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was i stupid to love you?
in which a lingering glance at Rossiâs wedding threatens your engagement.
content: angst, 4.8k, takes place right after truth or dare (14x15), a lot of dialogue, mention of prison arc, emotional distress, relationship conflict, not proofread a/n: when was the last time you saw me write angst? exactly. this is inspired by malcolm & marie bc i really like the idea of having an argument while moving around the house (also disclaimer i have nothing against JJ i just like being dramatic)
The lock clicks open. The door swings with a creak. Your heels tap against the hardwood in a hollow rhythm that feels almost too loud. Thereâs a tightness in your chest, that prickling behind your eyes, and a familiar ache pressing up from the pit of your stomach, churning into a faint nausea that you try to ignore. Youâre trying to hold it back.
Not here.
Not now.
Spencer doesnât even look up. The keys slip from his hand with a soft clink as they hit the side table, and he turns away with a quiet sigh that reverberates deep in your bones.
âAre you hungry?â he asks, tossing a glance toward the kitchen. âThink we could order something?â
You trail after him, the sharp click of your heels echoing as you step onto the kitchen tile. âWe just came back from a wedding.â
Heâs rifling through the cupboard, his fingers brushing over the mismatched mugs and neatly stacked plates before he pulls down two glasses. âI barely ate anything at the reception.â
You watch him, biting back a response as memories flicker to mind. The slice of cake heâd poked at absentmindedly, washing it down with sips of water instead of real food.
It wasnât hunger he seemed focused on tonight. No, it was his quiet glances across the room you keep on catching from the corner of your eye, and that conversation heâd had at the bar. The one where his posture softened, his gaze so intent youâd found yourself staring at the back of his head, trying not to read too much into itâand obviously failing.
âWhy didnât you eat?â
He shrugs, his back still to you as he fills the glasses with water. âI donât know,â he says, sounding almost absent, like itâs something he hasnât really thought about. âI didnât get around to it, I guess.â
The muscles in your jaw ticks as you bite the inside of your cheeks.
Spencer turns, offering you a glass. âI was thinking of Chinese, or maybe we can check if that Thai place you like is still open.â
You take the glass from him, barely sparing it a glance before setting it back down on the counter. âWhatever you want is fine.â
A subtle crease appears between his brows. âYou sure? You usually have some opinion when it comes to food.â
âIâm not hungry.â
âYou donât want to eat anything?â
You suppress a sigh. "No. I'm tired."
The soft amber of his eyes dims slightly as he studies you. There's a flicker of uncertainty passing through them before he nods. âAlright,â he concedes. âWe donât have to order anything.â
A faint, humorless laugh escapes you before you can stop it. It tastes bitter, a little unfair, but it slips out before you can pull it back, âYou donât have to change your plans on my account, Spencer.â
âIâm not changing any plans,â he responds. âIâm just making sure you have something to eat in case youâre hungry.â
Your shoes dig uncomfortably into your feet. You shift your weight, starting to pace a few steps back and forth. "It's dinner, you don't have to check on me for every little thing. Do whatever you like."
He blinks, looking genuinely perplexed. "What are you saying? I was trying to be considerate."
"Right. Considerate.â
Thereâs an unmistakable bite in your tone.
âYes, because we like doing these things together," he observes, watching your uneasy pacing. "Am I missing something here?â
You shake your head. âNope.â
"Honey."
The term of endearment lands softly, slipping from his lips like he believes it has the power to melt whatever tension has suddenly crept between you. But it only tightens the knot building in your stomach. Itâs stirring the words youâre trying to hold back, tangling them somewhere between your chest and throat.
He calls your name this time, his eyes narrowing into sharp lines. âYouâve been awfully quiet on our way home, and now youâre⊠honestly, I donât know why you're acting this way.â His voice dips with a tinge of exasperation. "Whatâs this really about?"
The words youâve been biting back feel like a stack of stones in your throat, rising up, up, up, each one pressed tighter by the gnawing nausea in your stomach. You can feel them gathering, and before you know it, they tumble out messily.
âIâm just saying, donât let me hold you back from getting what you want. I wouldnât want to stop you from anythingâor, god forbid," you add, letting your gaze drift away as if a little distance might soften the blow, âanyone.â
The soft, almost stifled inhale he takes is audible. You donât even have to look up to see his expression shifting. Youâve known him long enough to recognize the way his shoulders tense, the way his breathing slows as he processes your words. You know his reaction by heart, yet right now, you wonder if saying this was a mistake, if this is the start of something neither of you can take back.
His fingers twitching at his side slip into your line of sight. He's angry.
Maybe this isnât the time to start a fight.
âWhat is that supposed to mean?â
Your heels click softly as you turn.
âForget it. I shouldn't have said anything,â you mutter, already moving toward the bedroom thatâs been yours, too, for the past year. Although it feels strange tonight, like a space that belongs to someone else. A life youâre not entirely sure you belong in.
âNo." His voice is somewhere behind you. âI think you should explain to me what you mean by that.â
You donât respond, choosing instead to sink onto the edge of the bed, hands fumbling as you try to undo the straps of your heels. You twist the stubborn leather with more force. His shadow fills the doorway.
âHoney.â
Not again.
You decide to ignore him.
âIs there something youâd like to say to me?â
You tug harder at the strap. âNo.â
He doesnât buy it. âYouâre clearly bothered by something.â
You shake your head, fingers still fumbling, the leather cutting against your ankle with each pull. âIâm just tired. Can we leave it at that?â
Thereâs a flicker of frustration in his gaze now, a crease forming between his brows as he studies you. He moves into the room. You barely have the chance to react before he lowers himself, bending one knee to the floor as he reaches toward the strap youâve been fighting with. âHere, let meââ
âDonât,â you interrupt, pulling your foot away. âI can do it myself.â
âI know you can. But let meââ
âI can do it myself!â
Your heartbeat thuds loud in your ears, each pulse feeding the frustration thatâs wound its way up from your chest. He rises slowly, not a word passing his lips, but the tension radiates off him like heat. Heâs close enough that his warmth presses against your skin, although itâs not the kind you usually find comforting. Itâs almost suffocating.
You turn your focus back to the stubborn strap, your fingers trembling slightly as you struggle to grip it. Out of the corner of your eye, you catch him slipping off his shoes, one after the other, the soft thuds barely audible over the rush of your own heartbeat. He pulls off his suit jacket, carefully smoothing the crumpled fabric before hanging it in the closet. For a moment, it seems like heâs going to let it go⊠until his gaze drifts back to you.
You can tell his patience is fraying, and youâre proven right when he asks again, âWhat did you mean by that? When you said you wouldnât want to stop me from anyone⊠what was that supposed to mean?â
You finally manage to tug the strap loose. The heel drops to the floor with a muted thump. âIt was nothing.â
âI donât think youâd say something like that if it was nothing.â
Your focus shifts to the other shoe. âJust drop it, Spencer.â
"How am I supposed to drop it when you're implying... whatever it is you're implying?"
You keep your eyes down, wrestling with the strap in silence. He cuts through the quiet before it has a chance to grow.
âDonât do that,â he says. âDonât brush it off like itâs nothing when it clearly means something. I need to know why you said that.â
You kick off the other heel and meet his gaze for the first time since you walked into the room. âYou really want to know?â
He reaches for his bow tie, yanking it loose it with one hard pull. âDo I want to know why youâre giving me this attitude right now? Yes. Yes, I do.â
Oh. So this is going to be that kind of fight.
You hadnât expected it to go here. Fights with Spencer are very rare, usually more a clash of misunderstandings that you both laugh about with limbs tangled between sheets by the time youâve made peace. But seeing him standing there with the tie hanging loosely around his neck and his five oâclock shadow casting an even darker line along his jaw, it hits you differently.
This is real. And this time, you donât know if brushing it off will fix anything.
âFine, letâs talk about it then.â You rise from the bed, tension carrying you to your feet. âEmilyâs speech tonight.â
His brow furrows, not quite a scowl, more a cautious crease as he processes your tone. âEmilyâs speech? What about it?â
âWhat do you remember of it?â
Thereâs a slight pause, and you can tell he's clearly caught off guard by the question. âShe mentioned how Rossi and Krystal are twin flames."
âRight. Two souls that are always meant to be together.â
His face is still marked by confusion, but thereâs something else creeping in. A subtle tightening around his eyes tells you heâs starting to piece it together. âI donât understand what that has to do withââ
âYou looked at JJ the second Emily made that speech,â you cut him off. âSpencer, you didnât even spare a glance at your future wife because you were too busy making eyes at the woman whoâs apparently been in love with you all these years.â
There. You said it. The words that have twisted around your insides all evening are finally out. And maybe they taste a little bitter, but at least they're not choking you anymore.
A second passes, then another, and by the time the fifth heartbeat ticks by, heâs standing there with his hand on his hip.
âThatâs not what happened."
âThen what was it?â you demand. "I sat beside you the whole day, you didn't even try to hide it."
âThatâs notâyouâre twisting things.â His hand moves through his hair, fingers digging in as his curls tumble forward onto his forehead. âAnd you know what happened that night wasnât real. It was a forced confession. She was under duress, we both were. JJ and I are just friends.â
You arch an eyebrow. âYou look at all your friends like that?â
His hand drops to his side. "I don't know what else you want me to say. JJ said what she did because she thought we might die. She has a family, and a husband who she loves. We already went through this, I don't understand why this is suddenly an issue again."
âMaybe I wouldnât be bringing this up if you didnât look at her tonight like you were ready to break up that marriage yourself.â
A flash of shock and anger crosses his features.
âThatâs not fair,â he snaps, his voice sharper than youâve heard in a while. âDo you really think Iâd disregard everything I have with you because of a look? Because of a history that has never gone anywhere?â
âI donât know what to think. It's not like it happened just once, I saw you looking at her the same way at the bar." You step forward, accidentally kicking your discarded heel as you move. "What were you two talking about, anyway?â
He lets out a tight breath. âShe was checking in on me. She⊠we havenât talked much since then.â
The corners of your mouth pull down. âMhm. Another round of truth or dare?â
âI canât believe youâre using that against me." His hair flops forward as he shakes his head, falling messily over his brow. "If there were anything unresolved with JJ, I wouldâve said something. But I didnât, because thereâs nothing there."
âAnd yet, sheâs always been an important part of your life, hasn't she?"
He tilts his head. "What are trying to say now?"
Your tongue darts out, briefly brushing your lips. You're not sure you should say it, but it feels like a door has swung openâa door to words that have been waiting for their moment.
You take a slow, deep breath, filling your lungs with as much air as you can.
âWhen you were in prison, you put her on your visiting list ahead of almost everyone else. Doesnât that say something about where she stands with you?â
He exhales sharply, dragging a hand over the back of his neck.
âSheâs part of the team,â he says, as if heâs trying to spell out something heâs already explained a dozen times. "There were strict rules, I already told you that only a handful of people were allowed to visit. It wasnât like I could just put anyone on the list.â
âBut you couldâve put me on there!â
The familiar burn of tears prickles at the edges of your eyes, but you blink them back, refusing to let them fall. An explanation or protest is poised on his lips, but youâre already moving, closing the distance with a single, decisive step. A finger lands on his chest.
âI was your girlfriend, Spencer. Were you that determined to keep me out? Was the thought of seeing me really so unbearable? Do you even understand how hard it was to sit at home, knowing you were locked up, feeling completely helpless? Do you have any idea how much I hated myself day after day because I couldnât do anything to help you?â
Your lips quiver. You feel like your heart is about to leap out of your throat.
âI was out here, just⊠waiting. Wondering if you were okay, if they were treating you alright, if you even had someone to talk to. And meanwhile, sheâs there, with you. Every single time, sheâs the one who gets to be by your side.â
Your nail digs into the fabric of his shirt.
âSo forgive me if I canât just let that go. Because when it mattered, it felt like you didnât want me to be there for you. And now⊠now I donât even know if you need me the way you seem to need her.â
Your breathing turns shallow, each inhale catching in your chest. The tears youâve been holding back are dangerously blurring your vision. You swallow the knot lodged in your throat.
âI need a minute.â
Without another word, you turn and walk out of the room, leaving him standing there in stunned silence. You slip back into the kitchen, leaning against the counter as you finally reach for the glass of water thatâs been sitting there untouched. You take a sip, barely feeling the cool water on your lips, when you hear his footsteps behind you.
âYou think I donât want you in my life?â he demands. âYou think I somehow need her more than I need you?â
You set the glass down. âWhat part of âI need a minuteâ do you not understand?â
âYou really expect me to wait quietly after you unloaded every doubt youâve ever had about us?â
You life your chin up. âYes, I do. I need space to think right now.â
âWhat more do you want to think about when youâve already convinced yourself that Iâm always going to fall short? Is it so hard to believe that youâre the one I want?â
âYou want to know why itâs so damn hard to believe?â You turn towards him. âBecause every time I try to let this go, thereâs always something. A confession. Thatâthat not-so-subtle look. And when those things happen, it reminds me that Iâm not as close to you as she is. Iâm fucking tired of feeling like Iâm fighting for space in your life.â
âDo you think I want you to feel like that? Do you think Iâd go through everything weâve been through if you didnât matter to me?â
âThen explain to me why I wasnât on that list!â you cry out. âExplain to me why, in one of the hardest times of your life, you couldnât make space for me?â
âBecause I was trying to protect you!â
A heavy, dreadful silence falls between you. He takes a step back, his eyelids fluttering shut briefly, and when he opens them again, thereâs a softness in his gaze that mirrors the gentleness now threading through his voice.
âI know it probably doesnât make sense to you, and maybe it never will, but I couldnât stand the idea of you seeing me like that. Living through it was hard enough, but having you there, seeing me so helpless⊠It would have crushed me. I didnât want that to be your memory of me.â
His Adamâs apple dips as he swallows, a quick, almost anxious movement youâve witnessed countless times.
âAnd when JJ came to see me,â he continues, âthe way the inmates looked at her, the things they said after she left⊠it was disgusting. I couldnâtâwouldnâtâlet that happen to you. I couldnât live with thought of you being subjected to that because of me.â
You lower your head with a sigh. âI donât care if they looked. I donât care what they wouldâve thought.â
âBut I care,â he fires back, taking a step forward. âBecause you mean more to me than anyone. All I wanted was to keep you safe, and maybe I didn't handle it right, maybe I made the wrong call... but it was only because Iâ" His voice drops into an even more gentle note. "Because I love you."
Your heart stumbles, an uneven beat that feels almost bruised, pounding hard against your ribs.
"I-I love you so much. More than I know how to put into words." The ache in your chest sharpens as his hands come up to cup your cheeks. "I don't like fighting with you. I hate it, actually. I hate seeing you look at me like this."
You also hate the way heâs looking at you. Thereâs a depth to his annoyingly pretty eyes that makes it impossible to hold up your defenses without feeling them crumble. You let your eyes flutter closed.
âWhy donât we⊠call it a night?â He suggests. âLetâs lie down. We donât have to talk about this now.â
The blackness behind your eyelids does little to quiet your mind. Nor does his voice. Or his touch. Instead of offering peace, his presence throws every glance, every moment of tension from tonight into sharper relief.
You draw in a breath, trying to find some comfort in his palms against your cheeks. Yet, even this canât smooth away the doubt thatâs settled in. With a resigned sigh, you release the breath youâve been holding along with the words that have been pressing at the back of your throat.
âYou havenât explained it to me.â
The shadows in his gaze seem to deepen when you open your eyes.
âWhat do you mean?â
âWeâve been going in circles, but you havenât explained to me what happened tonight,â you say quietly. âWhy did you look at her, Spencer?â
His thumb absently strokes your cheek in a way that feels more hesitant than reassuring.
âBe honest with me,â you press. âWas there a part of you, even the tiniest part, that still wanted something with her? Some small part of you that⊠wondered what it might be like?â
The silence between you presses in from all sides, broken only by the faint hum of the refrigerator and the distant, muffled ticking of a clock on the wall. Itâs the kind of quiet that sharpens even the smallest sounds, yet his lack of response feels like the loudest thing of all.
You pull back from him with an incredulous laugh.
âUnbelievable.â The word barely makes it past your lips, then louder as you start to move, pacing the length of the apartment. âUnbelievable.â
âWait,â he says, trailing after you, âI didnât even say anything.â
You stop short by the couch and whip around to face him.
âYou didnât need to! Youâyou hesitated," you stammer, searching his face for any flicker of denial, but itâs there, plain as day, that split-second of doubt you caught. âThat was already an answer.â
He inches closer. A hand closes in on you. âPleaseââ
You flinch, pulling back, and every muscle in your body tightens. âDonât. Donât touch me right now.â
His hand falls to his side. âPlease⊠let me explain."
You watch his hand drop, fingers twitching like theyâre not sure if they should retreat or reach out again, but he keeps them there, hovering in some invisible line youâve drawn. He looks at you with those big, pleading eyes, and for a split second, you almost feel bad for him.
Almost.
A bitter sort of smile tugs at the corner of your mouth. "So now you want to explain?"
He takes that as permission, and his voice comes in low, almost cautious. "When I first started at the BAU, I had⊠maybe a crush. A passing thing, barely anything, really. But that was fourteen years ago.â His hand scrubs through his hair in a frustrated sweep. âFourteen years."
Your brows pull into a frown. âWhy am I only hearing about this now?â
âBecause it was nothing,â he says, almost too quickly. âI was young, it didnât matter. I didnât think it was worth bringing up.â
âOh, I get it now. All those old feelings came rushing back the night she confessed, didnât they?â
He mirrors your frown, a visible line of tension etching itself between his brows as he protests, âItâs nothing like that.â
âThen what is it?â you press. âBecause from where Iâm standing, it looks a whole lot like youâre caught between us because some part of you is still hung up on what mightâve been with her."
He shifts uncomfortably, and you notice the muscles in his jaw clenching the moment his gaze falters, dipping away for just a heartbeat before he looks back at you.
âItâs not that I donât know what I want,â he starts to explain. âI didnât expect her to say those things, and, yes, it threw me off for a moment. But that doesnât mean Iâm looking back, or that I want her. I want you.â
You shake your head, feeling a tired sort of frustration settle over you, and walk over to the couch. The soft cushions give slightly beneath you as you sink down.
âIf you really wanted me, this wouldnât be happening. You wouldnât have let her get into your head like that. And now, you expect to believe that none of it meant anything?â
Heâs quick to follow, closing the distance in a few tense steps. âItâs notââ His hands flex open and close at his sides. âYouâre acting like one single look tonight is enough to decide Iâm not committed to you. Do you really think Iâd let some confession I didnât even ask for get in the way of what we have?â
âItâs not just about that single look. Itâs the way she could say something and suddenly, youâre pulled back to something you swore youâd put behind you. How am I supposed to feel secure when she still has that power over you?â
âAnd what am I supposed to do, then? Apologize for things I donât even feel anymore?â
You flinch at the sharpness in his voice. A low, frustrated noise rumbles in his chest when you donât respond.
âYouâre always going to question me no matter what I say, arenât you?"
You glance over at him, catching the disheveled strands of hair falling over his forehead, and it pulls you back to that night he came home after that dreadful night. Heâd walked in looking worn in a way youâd never seen before, his whole posture weighted down as if he was carrying more than just the fear of being held hostage.
You remember sitting with him on this same couch, fingers brushing his, and asking what was bothering him.
JJ said she loved me.
Your heart lurched, a quick, quiet ache that you tried to swallow down. Really?
Donât worry. Itâs not true.
But with that same haunted look in his eyes right now, you canât help but wonder if it really was just a well-intentioned lie.
âOne glance and youâre accusing me of things that are never going to happen,â he starts again. âDo you really think so little of me? After everything weâve shared, you really think Iâd betray you like that?â
In true honesty, you donât believe he would ever cross that line. But the doubts still linger, fed by those small hesitations, the moments when his eyes seem somewhere else. Itâs not that you think heâd betray you. Itâs that a part of him might still be holding onto something he wonât let you see.
âItâs like you donât know me at all.â
Now those words you might actually believe.
âMaybe I donât,â you say quietly, eyes drifting to the ring on your finger. You twist it absently, remembering the night he proposed. How heâd stumbled over his words, his cheeks flushing as he tried to make the moment perfect but ended up rambling in that endearing, nervous way of his. Youâd laughed, reassured him that it was exactly right, that you didnât need grand gestures. All you needed was him.
And yet, you donât think he needs you as much you need him.
A hollow ache settles around your hand as you slip the ring off.
âWhat are you doing?â
You stare down at the gold band in your palm, blinking back the sting of tears.
âTell me what youâre doing.â
Panic. Desperation. Thereâs a sudden rush of melancholy in his voice, a heaviness that wasnât there a moment ago.
You swallow the lump in your throat. âI donât know,â you whisper. âIâI donât know anything right now.â
His face crumples, and in a sudden, almost instinctive movement, he drops down to his knees.
âNo, no, you do know me. Iâm sorry⊠Iâm so sorry. Isnât thisââ he stops, then dips his head, trying to catch your gaze. âIsnât that what couples do? They argue, they mess things up⊠but they work through it, right? Right?â
You look down, feeling the cool weight of the ring pressing into your skin.
âSpencerâŠâ you begin. âI trust you. I do, and Iâm sorry if I made it seem like I didnât. But⊠I need to feel secure. I⊠I need to know that I donât have to wonder or worry about where I stand. I never thought youâd be the one to make me doubt that.â
Thereâs a sharp ache in your chest.
âI didnât think it could hurt this much. Not from you.â
Your pulse ring in your ear.
âI canâtââ The words catch in your throat, a stinging burn rising as you force them out. âI canât be your wife when Iâm constantly questioning if I have all of you. When I feel like⊠thereâs always a part of you that isnât mine.â
âIâm yours, honey. Iâm always yours.â
âI wish I could believe that.â
Thereâs a slight falter in his voice. âDonâtâplease donât do thisââ
âI canât keep pretending it doesnât hurt.â
He falls silent, and for a moment, the only sound is the rough, uneven rhythm of both your breaths filling the space between you. Then, like something inside him finally cracks open, he sinks down, pressing his forehead against your lap. The sudden weight of him forces a broken sob from your throat.
âPlease,â he begs, fingers clutching at your sides. His chin presses deep into your thigh. âTell me how to fix this. I canâtâ I canât lose you.â
âSpenceâŠâ
âI love you,â he blurts out, the words tumbling from him in a rush. âI love you.â
But what is love, really? Is it just a word people reach for when theyâve run out of things to say, a way to patch over bruised hearts and broken promises? Or should it feel like something more solid, something that doesnât leave you questioning or aching? You canât even tell anymore.
You wonder, too, if maybe youâve been wrong all along. If this feeling in your chest isnât love but something dressed up as it, something that fills the gaps while slowly hollowing you out. Because here you are, clinging to a love that somehow makes you feel like youâre both needed and unseen. Everything and nothing all at once.
You feel like a fool.
âI want to go to bed.â
His head lifts from your lap, a flash of surprise darting across his face, as though he hadnât expected you to say anything at all, let alone that. âYeah, okay, letâs go to bed. Weâll⊠weâll figure this out in the morning.â
âIâd rather be alone.â
The words hit him visibly. His mouth opens, an argument forming there, but he catches himself, letting the silence stretch before he nods slowly.
âThen⊠Iâll stay out here. On the couch,â he offers softly. âJust⊠in case you need anything.â
A pang cuts through you at the thought of him stretched out on the couch, his legs too long, his shoulders folded in to fit the cramped space. But the idea of sharing a bed right now feels impossible.
You reach down, holding out the ring towards him.
âNo,â he says firmly, gently pushing your hand away. âDonât do that. This⊠it doesnât mean weâre giving up. It just means we need time. Thatâs all.â
Youâre not sure if your mind will change in the morning. The ring presses into your skin, but finally, you close your hand around it, nodding faintly before you peel away from him.
The tears start the moment the bedroom door clicks shut behind you. It spills over in a jagged, helpless cry that sounds nothing like you imagined heartbreak might sound. Itâs messy, a kind of aching grief that feels too big for your chest, clawing its way out with no grace at all. You can practically hear how pathetic you sound, and yet you canât seem to stop.
Even when the hem of your dress trails across the floor. Even when you finally collapse onto his side of the bed. Thereâs no stopping you. With the ring sitting cold in your hand, your tears keep coming, soaking into the pillow as you cling to the last trace of him woven into the sheets.
#spencer reid x reader#spencer reid x you#spencer reid x self insert#spencer reid angst#spencer reid x y/n#spencer reid imagine#spencer reid x female reader#spencer reid fem!reader#spencer reid fanfic#spencer reid fanfiction#criminal minds fanfiction#criminal minds x reader#angst#angst with no happy ending
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It's a Love Story - Chapter 4
Summary:
Azriel's shadows find their master a wife.
Azriel would just really like his heart not to get broken again.
And Sky...well, she's just really surprised that that far too handsome male is interested in her at all.
Warning:
Rhys Bashing (as usual), I classified this as Azriel x OC, even when it't technically Azriel x Sellyn Drake (but we kinda know nothing about Sellyn Drake other than that she writes books so Sky is kinda an OC), Cassian is kinda a good guy for once, Azriel has a horrible time, as usual... Stuttering, toxic families (For once I do not mean the IC), Self-Esteem Issues, Secret Identity, Body Image Issues, Fat Shaming, People being utterly horrible.
If any of this triggers you or makes you uncomfortable, please take care of your own mental health and don't read it.
In that moment, Skyâs brain didn't function.Â
She just sat there, staring at the gorgeous, gorgeous male across from her. She couldnât think. Not when he looked like that. Not when he looked better than any figment her imagination had ever come up withâŠ
He wasâŠthe most beautiful male Skylar Alden had ever seen.Â
Everything about him was perfection. From his inky black hair, to his high, chiseled cheekbones, to his...his strong broad body that looked like it was just made to be pressed right up against hers. Gods...he looked like he was made from her deepest fantasies. He was...he wasâŠ
And then he gave her a slow, soft smile and her breath caught in her throat.Â
Cauldron, he was beautiful. Like every perfect fantasy she had ever had come to life.Â
And he smelled even better than he looked, the scent of cedar and mist so mouthwateringly delicious she wanted to lick it straight off his damn skin. How a male could look this sinfully gorgeous and smell just as delicious, she didn't know. And he...he was smiling at her. Smiling at...her.
And she could feel the bond.
She could feel it.
SomethingâŠjust clicked into place. Something in her chest shifted and it felt right and perfect and she just knew.Â
Sky just knew that nobody else would ever come close to compare to himâŠ
This was the male for her. He...he was hers.
Hers.
Her mate.Â
Sky was a hopeless romantic. Maybe she needed to be that, so that she was able to write love stories for a living.
She loved love. She loved the whole fairytale, happily ever after fantasy. And looking at the male in front of her, it was like he came straight from the pages of her books.
But things like this didnât happen to girls like her. She knew that. She knew that so well. She⊠he wasnât going to want toâŠ
Sky wasn't attractive enough, not interesting enough. Why would he choose her? Why would this gorgeous, gorgeous thing of beauty want to be with...someone like her?
It wouldnât make sense. She wasn't...she wasn't anything special. He could do so much better than...than her.
She was so awkward, so plain. He was just...way out of her league.
âWhatâs wrong?â He asked her. Even his voice was perfect. One hand reached out for her, and she weakly registered the violent scars that covered it. They looked like they must have hurt. And then he seemingly thought better about it. âYouâŠwere happy.NowâŠâ
That was the problem. She couldn't stop her stupid thoughts. They just kept on running through her brain, making her feel...feel self-conscious. Insecure. She was...she was just a mess. Always had been.
And she opened her mouth to respond but no word left her lips, her throat closing as she tried to say even a single sounds.
Tears shot in her eyes. Why? Just for oneâŠjust for one fucking time Sky didnât want every word that left her mouth to be a fight.
But it was. And she tried to say a single thing but her body didnât allow her, and her heart reatcheted up because she knew that she looked like an idiot butâŠShe couldn't move. Couldn't...couldn't do anything but just sit there and cry like the pathetic, stupid mess she was. She didn't deserve him. He was...he was perfect. And Sky was just...useless.
He was just staring at her, looking...worried, probably so confused about why she was being like this.Â
Stupid. So stupid. Like she always was. The tears kept falling, and she felt pathetic. So, so pathetic.
Her eyes closed as she fought back a sob, biting her lip so hard she tasted blood. It was...it was too humiliating, being like this in front of him. She probably looked like a total freak. She...she just wished he didn't have to see her like this.
He shouldn't have to see her like this, see her being an absolute mess because she didn't know how to act like a normal person. She could feel him move, and her breath hitched. He...he was probably about to leave. She...she didn't blame him, really. She was an embarrassment.
But then a warm, broad hand was on top of her own trembling fingers, covering her with his own. Her eyes flew open from the shock, her lips parting in surpris, his gorgeous eyes fixed on hers as he gently stroked the back of her hands with his thumb.
âTake a deep breath, love. Itâs alright,â he soothed her softly. âItâs alright.â
She could feel her heart flutter as his voice washed over her, warm like a balm over a burn. It just made her want to cry even more, because he...he was being so nice. So gentle with her, even though he probably thought that she was being utterly ridiculous.
âIâŠIâŠ.I am soâŠ.soâŠsorry.â Her stutter was so bad. Clearly at its worst. Worse than it even was when she didnât have enough sleep.
She felt tears sliding down her cheeks even harder, her vision getting blurry as she tried to avoid his eyes. Her stupid, stupid stutter always got worse when she was upset. Like her brain shut down and she just...lost the ability to form basic sentences.
She tried to calm down, tried to stop crying, but it just kept going. The tears didn't stop, and god, she must've looked completely pathetic.
"I'm s-sorry." she sobbed, her voice a wretched, strangled sound as she tried to stop the shaking that wracked her entire body. She just wanted...she just wanted to be calm. To be normal.
And he had probably even heard Claire. Had probably heard every barbed word her sister had thrown in her direction.
The thought made her want to wail as the tears fell harder, her breathing growing laboured and uneven. He would never want her now. Not after she had embarrassed herself like this. Not after she just...sat here and cried and stuttered like an idiot.
She tried to pull away from his grasp, but he didn't let her, gently taking her hands in his. His fingers felt so warm on hers, and his touch was so, so gentle. It just made the tears fall even harder, an ugly, broken sound wrenching from her throat.
Sky wanted to stop, she wanted to stop crying and being so hysterical, but her stupid, worthless brain wouldn't co-operate.
And then suddenly he enveloped her against a broad chest, strong arms settling sround her. He was hugging her
It was like every fiber of her being froze, her heart nearly stopping as she felt his arms encircle her. It was like...like some kind of dream. He was hugging her, hugging her like she was precious to him, like he...he truly cared about her. After all of Skyâs awkwardness, and stupid, pathetic crying...he still was holding her like this.
âBreath,â he told her softly. âItâs alright. Whatever is wrong, weâll fix it.â
She took a deep, trembling breath, his scent washing over her. It was like he was everywhere, his arms tight and yet gentle around her, his broad chest pressed against hers, his cedar and mist scent in her nose. It just...it just made the tears fall all the more harder, a small, broken sob wringing itself from her throat.
Of course, his scent was just as amazing as he was. And it made her feel...feel safe. Like nothing could hurt her as long as he was there, like he would protect her from everything and anything.Â
She buried her head in his chest, trying to block out the rest of the world as she held onto him so tightly she was sure she was probably hurting him. But still he didn't move, still he let her cling to him as she cried so hard it made her shake.
For once in her life Sky felt delicate in his grasp. She wasnât thin at all, but against himâŠshe felt small. She felt so safe pressed against him.Secure. Like she could let him hold her forever as she sobbed so hard she was practically convulsing. She knew he probably thought she was being pathetic, but still...but still, he was hugging her.
It was like she couldn't breathe. Her heart was hammering so hard against her ribcage that it hurt to even draw in oxygen, her emotions completely overwhelming her.Â
She could feel his fingers running through her brown curls, and the touch just made her cry even harder. She must have looked so awful, so miserable, but he just...he just held her like this. Like she mattered to him, like she wasn't a total, pathetic mess.
And finallyâŠfinally Sky managed to calm down.
It took a long while, but eventually, the sobs eased into small, shallow breaths as she curled up against his strong chest. Sky still felt...awful. Like a total idiot. But at least the tears had stopped.
âIâŠ.i am sorâŠsorry.â She managed to bring out.
âThere is nothing you need to apologise for,â he told her gently, one hand still delicately rubbing her spine.
âIâŠI criâŠcried all oâŠover you.âHer voice sounded scratchy and broken from all the crying, and she was so deeply ashamed of it. He probably thought she sounded ridiculous. But she took another deep breath and pressed on, trying to speak through her tears, her stupid stutter still making it hard for her to even form a single word.
He held out a handkerchief for her and she whiled away the tears.
She blinked a few times, staring at the piece of fabric. He...he was giving her something to dry her tears, because she was such a pathetic mess that she had completely soaked the front of his shirt. Shame made heat rise in her cheeks, but she took the handkerchief from him.
She dabbed away at her wet lashes, her voice weak and raspy as she spoke. "T-thank you," she said quietly, still not being able to meet his eyes. She still felt so humiliated, but also so, so grateful that he was still here, that he hadn't left yet.
Sy knew she probably looked completely dreadful, all red-eyed and blotchy from all the crying, her hair mess and tangled from where he had run his fingers through it.Â
She wanted to curl up and die from the shame of it all. Of being such a stupid, messy, emotional wreck. She must have looked like such an idiot, but somehow, somehow he was still here.Â
"Will you tell me your name?" he asked her softly.
Sky felt her heartbeat quicken as he spoke, as his voice washed over her. Of course. Of course he didn't even know her name. She had been so caught up in her little pity party that she hadn't even introduced herself yet. A fresh wave of tears filled her eyes, but she blinked them away as best as she was able.
"S---Sky," she managed to bring out. She grimaced at her stutter. "S...Sorry." She didn't dare to try and say anything else. Didn't dare to try an ask him for his name, because otherwise she was going to stutter even more.
"There is absolutely nothing you need to apologise for," he repeated fiercely. "I am Azriel."
His words made something in her heart quicken, her stomach fluttering in a way that it shouldn't. A small, shaky breath left her lips at the sound of his name, and she couldn't help but repeat it to herself quietly in her head. Azriel. His name suited him perfectly.
She looked up at him, finally looking at him properly, only to find that he was looking right back at her, those deep, hazel eyes fixed on her in a way that made her heart stutter in her chest. She probably looked awful, a total wreck, and yet he was still looking at her like that.
She opened her mouth to try and speak, but only a tiny, broken squeak left her lips. So she tried again, forcing the words out from between her lips. "Azriel." His name felt so good on her lips, even if her voice broke on the second syllable, but still, she had managed to say it.
He smiled that beautiful smile of his once more, and the sight of it made her want to cry all over again. How was it that this perfect male was still here, was still looking at her like...like she was something precious? Like she was anything other than a total wreck?! She just...she just wanted to die from the humiliation of it all.
"Tell me what's wrong." It wasn't as much a statement as much as it was an order. "You were happy. And then you just..."
She sniffled, trying to stop herself from crying even more than she already had. It was hard, her eyes blinking as tears continued to well up and fall. "It's..." She took in a raspy, stuttering breath, her lips trembling. "It's juâŠjuâŠst...just me being...being stuâŠstupid."
"Somehow I find that hard to believe," Azriel responded, his voice flat. "Take a deep breath. And then tell me what's wrong so I can fix this."
She blinked a few times, looking at him. He was so...straightforward. Direct. So commanding, but also so gentle. Like he actually cared. She felt...she felt so, so unworthy of that. She didn't deserve his kindness, not after acting like a complete lunatic. Still, she obeyed, taking a deep, shaky breath before trying to speak.
"You...You deâŠdeâŠdeserve betâŠbetter thanâŠthan me," she whispered. Her voice was quiet, little more than a whisper, and she felt her throat thicken as she spoke. It was true, and she...she couldn't believe he was being so gentle with her. Not with how ridiculous she was being.
He stared at. "What."
She looked down, focusing her eyes on her hands that were clutched in her lap. His own hand was still resting gently on the nape of her neck. "I...I am..." She took a deep breath, forcing herself to try to explain. "You...YouâŠyou areâŠyou. And IâŠI amâŠme.â He was so handsome. And she wasnât beautiful in the slightest.Â
Sky blinked a few times, trying not to start crying even more than she had already done. It was just so...hard. So hard to admit how...how unworthy she was of him. He was amazing, and she was a total mess.Â
A complete emotional disaster.
And he was going to realise that one day and leave or cheat on her with her sister and that was going to crush her heart and...
She tried so hard to blink away the tears that welled up in her eyes. She knew...she knew that this was just a temporary thing. That he was only being this kind to her out of pity. He would see how awful she truly was, and he would leave, just like everyone else did.
"Cauldron, Love, they really did a number on you," he breathed.
She sniffled, wiping the tears that fell from her cheeks. She knew that. She knew that she was unloveable. That there was something fundamentally wrong with her. And she hated it.Â
"YouâŠyou'll choâŠchâŠchoose sâŠsâŠsomebody elâŠelse andâŠand I get it bâŠbut it's goâŠgoing to hâŠhurt and..." she croaked out.
"I am not going to choose somebody else," he cut her off. "You are my mate."
She blinked, her heart stuttering in her chest at his words. It felt...it felt like a dream. It didn't feel real. There was no way, just no way in Hell that someone like him was her mate. She was...there was absolutely no universe where she deserved him.
"That means that until you tell me to disappear off the face of this earth, you are stuck with me," he told her softly. "That means, that I will always choose you. I will always be on your side. I will protect you and I will shelter you."
She just stared at him as her heart hammered so hard against her ribcage that she wanted to pass out. Was he....was...was he being serious? Even as broken and awful as she was...how she had just completely fallen apart in front of him....he was still...he was still saying that she was...was his mate? That he would...that he would always choose her? Protect her...shelter her?
Her side...nobody had ever seemingly been on her side.
"I..." She was at a total loss for words. Him...him wanting to...to protect her? To shelter her? It was everything she had ever wanted. But she was so, so terrified that it was all...temporary. That the moment he saw her for all the broken, damaged things that she really was...that he would leave. Everyone always left.
He lifted his hand and she leaned against it as he cupped her cheek, wiping away even more tears. "You are my mate," Azriel repeated softly. "And if I had dared to approach while your sister was still there, I probably would have wrung your sisterâs neck for what she said to you."
Sky felt a small, trembling smile begin to curl at her lips. He...he was her mate. She still couldn't believe it, but there it was. He was her mate, and he actually wanted her. Not only did he want her, but he was willing to...to defend her. To protect her. To stand up for her, even against her own sister. It was more than she could ever have asked for, more than she had ever hoped for herself. And the thought...the thought of that nearly made her cry all over again.
"It'sâŠItâs betâŠbetter to justâŠto just let ClaâŠClaire get it out of her sysâŠsystem and not interâŠinâŠinterrupt her," she said weakly. "She runs out of steam eventualâŠeventually."
"You shouldn't let her speak to you like that," Azriel said softly, his hand still resting gently against her cheek. "You shouldn't have to endure her venom."
She swallowed thickly, her throat tight. She knew that, she knew that she shouldn't let Claire speak to her in such a horrible way, that she should defend herself. But...but it had just never happened. She had always been too caught up in her own head, too afraid of...of doing something wrong. Of making everything worse instead of better. Because it always seemed to end up worse whenever she tried to stand up for herself.
But...but hearing him say it....hearing him tell her that she didn't have to put up with Claire's horrible words...it made something flutter in her chest. Something akin to hope. The thought that maybe....maybe she didn't need to listen to Claire's vicious words, that maybe...maybe she could stand up for herself after all.
"She's the faâŠfaâŠfavourite," she said weakly. "AlwaysâŠs wa..was. The pretâŠprettier one."
She sniffled, her stomach twisting at the thought of it. Claire had always been the preferred one, the one that everyone adored. And Skye had always been...well, the other one. The one that nobody wanted to be around, the one that everyone was constantly criticizing.
"She's bone deep ugly," Azriel snapped right back. "There is nothing attractive about her at all." She could just stare at him.
She blinked at him, almost in shock at his words. No one ever said things like that about Claire. Everyone was always so busy praising her beauty and her grace and her charm, but never a single one of them would ever say a single negative thing about her. But here was Azriel, outright saying that Claire wasn't attractive at all. It was...it was hard to even wrap her head around.
"You say thaâŠthat now," Sky said weakly.She swallowed thickly, her heart clenching at the very thought of him ever changing his mind. She knew....she knew that it was a very real possibility. He might think her worthy of him now, but as soon as he got to know her....how pathetic and broken and damaged she was. The thought of losing this....losing him...it made her stomach twist painfully.
She sniffled again, wiping tears away from her cheeks, her voice weak and broken. "You wonâŠwon't think tha..that..." she whispered. "When you...when you know me more. You'll think I'm pathâŠpathetic, too. Just like Claire does. Just like everyâŠeveryone does."
The words felt like acid in her throat, like a knife twisting through her heart. She knew that it was true, that he would think her pathetic, too. He was only being so kind to her now because he didn't really know her yet. Once he got to know her....once he saw all the broken pieces that made her up....he would realize just how unworthy she was of him.
"I think that you spent your whole life being talked to like that, and that no fucking accolade you ever got was something you take seriously." Azriel's words were harsh, and they made her come up short.Â
Sky had always thought that maybe...maybe the next time she achieved something her parents would be proud of her. That they would finally tell her that she had done well. But it had never happened. They were never proud of her accomplishments, no matter how good they were. She was never good enough for them, never anything enough for them. They always just...just told her that she needed to do better. That she had the capacity to do better. That it was her fault she hadn't.
And when she had published her first book...she hadn't wanted them to ruin that for her. So she had kept it a secret from them. Then the 2nd. And the 3rd. Book after book after book. People liked what she wrote. People bought her books. And still it felt like...it wasn't real.
No matter how many books she sold, it never felt like it counted. It never felt like she had actually achieved something. And no matter how much money she had in the bank, no matter how well she fed herself or kept a roof over her head, it just...it all felt like it was built on a fragile foundation. Like it could all come falling down around her at any moment, leaving her alone, cold, and broken.Â
Just like how this mating bond could seemingly break just at a snap of his fingers.
That feeling only got worse when she thought about the bond between her and Azriel. It was so new, so fragile, and she knew that he could break it if he wanted to. He didn't have to keep it, didn't have to stay by her side. He could just...just walk away and leave her in the dust. The thought made her stomach clench painfully, her eyes stinging with more tears.
"I don't want your sister. I want you," he told her softly. "You are my mate, Sky. Turn me down if you don't want me, but don't do it because you think that I don't want you. Because I do. I have never wanted anything in my life more."
His words made her heart sing, the warmth of them filling her chest to bursting. She...she didn't think she had ever been wanted in her entire life. Her parents had always been so quick to shove her aside, to tell her that she was worthless and a failure. But Azriel....he actually wanted her. He actually saw something worth keeping in her. It was more than she had ever dreamed of, the thought so impossibly perfect that it made her feel like she was going to burst into tears all over again.
Sky just stared at him, unsure of what to say, how to respond to such an open expression of adoration from him. She had never been good at accepting compliments or affection, her automatic response was always to push it away. But here was Azriel, telling her that he wanted her, that she was his mate. And how could she even think about pushing that away? How could she even consider rejecting the best thing that had ever happened to her? It was an impossible thought, one that left her feeling awed and speechless.
So instead of saying anything, Sky simply reached for him, wrapping her arms around him and hugging him tightly, burying her face in his neck. She felt safe here, in his arms, like nothing could hurt her as long as he was holding her close. And in that moment, she felt more than anything that this, this was where she belonged.Â
In his arms, with Azriel as her mate. It was everything she had ever wanted, and she was determined to hold onto it as tightly as she possibly could.
"I won't ev..ever turn you down," she whispered. "I was waiting for you for deâŠdecades."
"Decades? Try half a millennia," Azriel responded.
Azriel's words made her heart stutter in her chest, her stomach twisting with butterflies. He...he had waited for her for so long?
All that time, he had been waiting patiently for his mate, and that mate had been her? It was more than she could even wrap her head around. She had always thought that no one would ever want her, that she was destined to be alone, and yet here he was, telling her that he had been waiting for her for centuries.
So Sky just clung to him, her eyes stinging with a fresh wave of tears. She couldn't believe it, couldn't believe that she was actually so important to someone. That she had actually been....been wanted by someone.She felt so unbelievably lucky, and all she wanted to do was hold on to this feeling for as long as possible. This feeling of being loved and wanted and...and worthy.
She sat back, even when she wanted nothing else but to keep being held by him, managing a weak smile. Sky couldnât help but stare at him, couldnât help but take in the black hair and dark hazel eyes that glinted greenâŠand then her gaze snagged at the pair of massive, ferocious wings that sprouted from his back.
âYou are IlâŠIllyrian?â she asked, surprise colouring her voice.
She didn't know why she was so surprised. Maybe because because there werenât a lot of illyrians that lived in VelarisâŠmaybe because he really didnât seem to match the picture that most books she had read about them and their culture painted about them.Â
His wings were⊠magnificent. Azrielâs wings were so massive, so huge and powerful, and they seemed to span an impossible distance even when he had them folded carefulyl against his back.Â
âWhat gave it away?â He quipped, though the ere was a grimace on his face. âI am notâŠwhatever you may have heardâŠâ
She flinched slightly, feeling a small pang of guilt at her reaction to his wings. She knew that Illyrians had a reputation for being brutal and ruthless, but she hadn't meant to make Azriel feel uncomfortable or ashamed of his heritage.Â
"I am sorâŠsorry," she said sheepishly. âI wasâŠjust suâŠsurprised. There arenât a lot of IlâŠIllyrians around Velaris. I've never seen wings like yours before, jâŠjust read about them. They're beautiful."
She looked up at him, hoping that he could see the sincerity in her gaze. She didn't want him to feel like she was judging him based on his species, or that she was scared of him just because he was Illyrian or a lesser Fae.Â
âIâŠI got some River Nymph blood someâŠsomewhere down the line,â she told him.âItâs the family sâŠscandal.â
He chuckled at that, even as he mustered her.âYour eyes,â he realised aloud, and she nodded
She blushed slightly, her heart leaping at the thought of him noticing such a small detail about her. To know that he had taken the time to observe her eyes, to notice the faint turquoise hue that came from the bit of River Nymph blood flowing through her veins, regardless of how diluted it wasâŠIt made her feel like he truly saw her, not just the broken, damaged parts of her, but everything that made her who she was.
âGreâŠGreat grandma from my dads s..side,â she explained. âI was the only one who got the eyesâŠand the bendy bones.â She had always been seen as the odd one in her family. The outcast. Growing up, it had been hard to know where she fit in. Her parents had always been so focused on her brother and her sister, on their achievements and successes, and she had always felt like she was just...there. Just existing in the background, never quite good enough to be noticed or noticed for all the wrong reasons.
âTell me more,â Azriel requested softly, reaching out to hold her hand again.
âMore of what?â she wondered, blushing slightly.Â
âMore about you. I want to know everything.â
Her heart skipped a beat at his request. He...he wanted to know more about her? He actually wanted to listen to her, to hear what she had to say? The thought was almost enough to make her cry all over again. No one had ever asked her about herself before, no one had ever expressed an interest in her life or her thoughts. She had always been the one listening to others, never the one being listened toâŠespecially not with her stutter.Â
âI am not that interesâŠinteresting,â Sky said weakly.She had always been self-conscious about what she liked and didn't like, always been afraid that others would judge her for her preferences. Even the thought of telling Azriel what she enjoyed doing for fun made her feel nervous and unsure. She didn't want him to think she was boring or uninteresting, and yet...and yet she also wanted to be honest with him. She wanted him to know who she really was, even if that meant showing all her quirks and flaws.
âI write booâŠbooks for a..for a living,â Sky told him âRâŠRomance novels. And I have a cat named Hector thatâs âŠthatâs adorâŠadorable.â
Azriel grinned at her. âI canât wait to meet him.â She blushed at that thought.Â
She had always been nervous about talking to people, about opening up and letting them know who she was, but with Azriel...it felt different. It felt right.
âWhatâŠWhat do you do?â Sky wondered quietly.
âI work for the High Lord,â Azriel answered. âIâŠgather intelligence, I guess you could say.â
"Intelligence?" she asked curiously. She had never heard of anyone who did something like that before. It sounded like a dangerous job, one that required a lot of skill and training. Azriel nodded, his expression serious.Â
"Yes. I gather information about...about threats to our court. About the dangers that lurk in the world around us."
She shivered slightly at the thought of some of the dangers that Azriel had to face on a regular basis. On the things that he was confronted with every single wayâŠHe was doing what was necessary to protect their people from harm. SHe knew that it must took a lot of courage and determination to do a job like that, and she couldnât help but feel a wave of respect for him.
Sky took a deep breath, "Is it....is it dangerâŠdangerous? Gathering all thatâŠall that information?" She asked nervously. "IâŠI mean, doâŠdo you evâŠever...get hurt?"
Azriel's expression darkened, and he hesitated for a moment before answering. "Sometimes," he admitted. "There are always risks involved in what I do. I have been injured before, but I have also been very lucky. I have survived so far."
She shivered at the thought of him being hurt, of him being in danger. Sky couldn't bear the thought of him being harmed, of him being in pain. She wanted to protect him, to keep him safe from all the horrors of the world. It was a feeling she had never experienced before, this overwhelming need to protect someone else. But with Azriel, she felt it with every fiber of her being. She would do anything to keep him safe, to make sure he never got hurt again.
Sky took his hand in hers, gripping it tightly. "PleaseâŠPlease be careful," she whispered, her eyes full of fear and worry. "IâŠI don't want anâŠanything to happen to you." I don't want to lose you. The words were unspoken, but she knew that he could hear them in her voice, in the way her fingers trembled against his.
âI am careful,â he promised her seriously. âBesides, I am not exactly on my own,â he told her seriously.
She raised an eyebrow, curiosity getting the better of her. "YouâŠYou're not onâŠon your own?" she asked, surprised. "WhoâŠWho do you work with then?"
A moment laterâŠshe got her answer in the form of wreathing shadows, that welled up behind him.
For a moment Sky could just blink.Â
Then: âYou are a shadowsinger?!â She breathed in wonder.Â
She had read about it, of courseâŠwhen she had a whole phase of thinking how cool it would be if she had some kind of special powers. Sadly, there never had any manifested. No shadows for herâŠor mind reading either.Â
Azriel chuckled softly at her reaction. "Yes," he said simply. "It's a useful skill in my line of work."
She stared at him in awe. She had read stories of the fabled shadowsingers, of their ability to control shadows and use them to do their bidding. But she had never actually met one before. They wereâŠstupidly rare.â But clearly Azriel was one.Â
âDoâŠDo theyâŠtalk to you?â She asked him curiously.
Azriel nodded, a smile tugging at his lips. "Yes, they do," he said. "They have their own personality and quirks, and I can communicate with them in a way that no one else can. It's a unique connection, one that IâŠI have grown to cherish."
They were important to him.
So Sky did the only polite thing. âItâsâŠnice to meet you.â She greeted them, holding out a hand.Â
Azriel's shadows seemed to pause for a moment, as if taken aback by her greeting. Then they swirled around her, brushing against her skin in a gesture of introduction.Â
She couldn't help but smile at the sensation of the shadows brushing against her skin, their touch neither hot nor cold. They seemed almost sentient, like they had a mind of their own. It was both strange and fascinating at the same time. "Do you haveâŠa name?" she asked curiously.
Azriel chuckled. "No, they donât have a name. It's just...the shadows."
She nodded in understanding. They did seemâŠweirdly alive. And they were so responsive to Azriel's commands, so attuned to his needs and desires, that it was hard not to think of them as a separate entity in their own right.
But stillâŠas she wiggled her fingers and the shadows wove between them, she couldnât help but wonderâŠ
"What...what dâŠdo you wan..want from me?" Sky asked him softly. What did he want? What did he expect?Â
Azriel's expression softened, and he reached out to cup her cheek gently in his hand. "I want...I want whatever you are willing to give me," he said quietly. "I want to be there for you, to support you and protect you. I want to make you happy, to make you feel loved and cherished. And I want...I want to be your mate, if you'll have me."
Sky bit her lip, leaning into his touch. "IâŠI want that tâŠtoo," she admitted quietly. "And I really want a family one day. I want kids," she told him.Â
"I want that too," he said softly, his voice full of warmth and love. "I want everything with you, Sky. All of it."
She couldn't help but smile at that admission. Hearing him say that He wanted the same thing, hearing him say that He wanted to build a future with her...it was like a dream come true. And then Skylar Alden who had always overthought everything in her life, made this one decision: "Then take me home."
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Damian was going to live with his father.
He was... Pleased, of course. Of course he was, why wouldn't he be? He was the Heir to the Demon, son of Talia Al Ghul, true blood of the Batman and the rightful inheritor of the Robin title.
So of course, he was pleased.
And yet.
"Stay close to me." He whispered, a small and barely noticeable weight settling on his shoulders that made untense the slightest amount. "Don't reveal yourself, don't do anything that I can't cover up and stay invisible."
He reached up towards his shoulder, closing his hand around the smaller, unseen one and gave it a reassuring Squeeze.
Either for himself, or the one he had slain. He didn't know.
Damian had more than enough information on his father, yet not enough for him to trust him with his most well kept secret.
That of his younger brother's existence after death.
Not from the Lazarus Pits, no. Damian had slain Danny himself and watched his body be disposed of. He knew not why Danny persisted, nor stuck around him, but he made the best of the situation as he could.
He loved his mother.
But he could not trust her with this.
He knew of and had expectations of his father.
Yet he also, could not trust him with this.
He respected his grandfather, but he could trust him even less with something like this.
No, Danny was his secret and his alone. One that he managed to keep years since his death, with added help from his younger brother's powers.
(Danny was always too soft, too kind, too emotional and all of the things that would have failed him in this organization.)
(It was a mercy kill, rather than a duel in Damian's eyes.)
(He did not regret killing Danny, but he regretted that he wasn't strong enough to not have to.)
Damian was his older brother.
Damian had a responsibility.
Damian would keep this secret, from the entire world- no. The universe, if he had to.
(He wasn't able to protect him then.)
(So he will protect him now.)
(Just a small edit for those interested if this continued or not: 2)
#dpxdc#dc x dp#dp x dc#dcxdp#dp x dc crossover#dc x dp crossover#demon twins#Directly contrast to my previous Demon Twins post#Damian stilled killed Danny here but instead of hating each other Damian keeps his existence a secret#Danny is most likely younger#I was going to say 8-9 but then I just read that Damian met Bruce at 10#So#Like#You can pick whatever age Danny died at just so long as it's younger than Damian
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Just an Accident
~ Jason todd x reader who was accidentally hurt
~ Fluff, Jason being dramatic, WC:
~ Inspired by @mostly-imagines
[Thank you guys for being so patient while I finished this and thank you for all likes đđ I really wasn't expecting anything till this was finished. Hope this meets your expectations <3]
Jason tried really hard to keep his secret secret from you but let's be honest, he's very obvious about it. Especially once you meet his family.
After he finally came clean to you about everything, he became even more protective. More protective than you ever thought possible.
He would freak out anytime he didn't know where you were or if you got hurt in any way.
"I'm so so sorry." Bruce says, following you through the mansion repeating his apology.
"It's okay, Bruce, it was an accident." You reply, "I should've known."
Honestly there was no way you could've known that Bruce was creating some elaborate booby trap on the kitchen counter that would fail and smack you in the face when you walked into the kitchen.
It didn't hurt too bad, luckily Bruce was testing things with plastic and not the real materials.
From the look of it though, you'll definitely have a mark on your nose and possibly a bruise under your eye.
"I had no idea it was gonna do that." He continues defending, knowing how Jason will react.
"It's fine, I swear. I know you wouldn't do that on purpose." You walk into the living room and sit down on the couch. Bruce sits next to you.
"Can I get you anything?" He asks. Obviously freaking out.
"No, it's alright. It really doesn't hurt."
"Oh shit." You hear Dick gasp. Coming in through the front door with Tim.
"Oh, what did you do!?" Tim asks, "Jason is gonna kill you."
"It was an accident, everything is fine." You try to calm everyone down.
Seeing that you're okay, Dick can't hold back his laugh.
"Wow, Jason is never gonna trust you again Bruce." Tim hits Dick on the arm and rolls his eyes. To the side of you, Bruce leans forward to hold his head in his hands.
"I think you guys are being a little dramatic. Jason isn't gonna kill him."
"No you seriously underestimate how Jason will react to this." Tim tells you.
"Yeah, remember he almost killed me for making jokes about you when you first got together."
"What?" You turn to Dick in confusion, "I don't remember that."
"Not important," he waves it off, "The point is, we need a plan."
"A plan for what?"
"A plan to hide this from Jason" He tells you, in a tone that screams obvious.
"How would I do that, Dick? I live with him."
"I don't know yet, that's why we need a plan!" He exclaims, pacing in front of the couch.
You roll your eyes, "You're being dramatic."
"No he's not." Bruce says. You fall back into the couch and cross your arms over chest.
"Bruce please. I need at least one of other person here to be an adult."
You can hear Tim laughing as he sits in the chair next to the couch.
"Well, he's right. Jason's gonna be pissed." Bruce shakes his head at you. He stands from the couch and starts pacing with Dick.
"They're gonna make me lose my mind." You mumble under your breath. You run your hands over your face, this childish behavior you're watching isn't what you were expecting from Batman and Nightwing.
Okay to be honest you were definitely expecting this from Dick.
Tim leans over to whisper to you, "You should make a break for it, they're too busy plotting to notice you leave."
"Let me guess," you whisper back, "you've had to make a break for it a couple times?"
"More than you know." He shakes him head and has a serious look on his face.
"Well, have fun with that." You laugh and walk out the front door. Tim was right, both the guys were so busy trying to figure out how to hide you from Jason, they totally forgot to hide you.
You rush home to meet Jason. You were supposed to meet for dinner but obviously you got a little distracted.
"Hey baby." You sigh when you walk through the door. Jason is in the kitchen cooking dinner. Whatever he chose to make, made the whole room smell amazing.
"Hey. What took you so long?"
"I stopped by the mansion to borrow that thing from Alfred but he wasn't there." You tell him, referencing some cooking tool you wanted to make desert for after dinner.
"Where did he go?" You want into the kitchen to see him while you talk.
"I have no idea. I got distracted by something Bruce was doing." You walk over and take a piece of food that he's cutting.
Without looking, he softly smacks your hand away.
"Rude." You laugh.
"This is my sacred space." He puts the knife down and gestures over the whole counter.
"You're ridiculous." You laugh again and kiss him on the cheek.
"How dare you." He puts his hand on his chest in fake offense. Only then does he turn to actually look at you. "What happened?" He immediately asks.
"Oh it's fine, just got smacked with some plastic " Which is apparently not the answer he wanted.
"What the fuck does that mean?" He grabs your face gently and examines the marks on your face.
"It means I got hit with some plastic. But it doesn't hurt." You quickly explain, but he doesn't let go of your face or stop freaking out.
"What plastic?"
"Bruce was experimenting with something and it didn't work."
"He did this?" He lets go off your face to run his hands over his own.
"It was accident. He wouldn't hurt me on purpose and you know that."
"I don't care if it was an accident, you're hurt."
"Jason." You say firmly. He's obviously surprised considering you never use his name to address him. "An accident is an accident and you're not gonna hold this against Bruce. He already apologized and clearly felt bad."
"But you're hurt" He pouts.
You step forward and wrap your arms over his shoulders. "It doesn't hurt. It was just some plastic."
"It left a mark."
"I promise I'm okay. And I want you to promise you won't hurt Bruce for this." You look right into his eyes and do your best to give him a puppy dog look. Which isn't necessary because he can't say no to you anyway.
"Fine I promise I won't hurt him." He presses his forehead to yours, "I'd rather leave him to stew in fear anyway."
You chuckle at his words. "As long as no real harm comes to him I won't stop you from having fun."
"Good." He kisses you once and heads back to make dinner. You have no doubt Jason would ever actually hurt Bruce over something so small but you'd rather be safe than sorry.
Hopefully this'll stop Dick and Bruce acting like absolutely children in the future.
Yeah that'll never happen.
Not even 10 minutes after finishing dinner you get a call from Dick.
"How dare you?" He asks the moment you answer the phone. "You're a traitor."
"Again with the dramatics Dick. You can't stop me from going home."
"Let me guess Jason's on his way here to get some revenge right now." He says in a very childish and fearful tone.
"No! I was right, you guys are way more dramatic than you should be and he has no intention of killing anyone." Jason looks at you as you talk to his brother. Clearly wondering what he has to do with this situation.
"I don't believe you. You've shown where your loyalty lies."
"Why are you talking like I'm an enemy or something?"
"Maybe you are! How should I know?"
"Okay you're right." You decide to play along, "I couldn't stop him from wanting to kill Bruce, he's on his way there right now."
Jason furrows his eyebrows in confusion.
"I knew it! Mark my words one day-"
His voice cuts off when you hang up.
"There is something severely wrong with your entire family." You tell Jason with a blank face.
"Yeah I know." He puts his arm over your shoulder and pulls you into him.
Hmm you wonder how long it takes till Dick realizes you lied.
#jason todd fanfiction#jason todd headcanon#jason todd fanfic#jason todd fic#jason todd i love you#jason todd#jason todd comfort#jason todd drabble#jason todd fluff#jason todd hc#jason todd headcanons#jason todd imagine#jason todd is my life#jason todd soft#jason todd thoughts#jason todd x fem reader#jason todd x fem!reader#jason todd x female!reader#jason todd x gender neutral reader#jason todd x gn!reader#jason todd x reader#jason todd x y/n#jason todd x you#red hood fluff#red hood imagine#red hood x reader#red hood fanfic#red hood#red hood fanfiction#red hood fic
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UNMATCHED
A/N: it's been like 6 months since i last posted something and honestly, i haven't even written anything, things are very shitty these days but i felt the motivation to write this quickly after watching 'tell me lies' and 'rivals' these past weeks so here we go! if student-prof type of fics are not your thing then don't read it
WORD COUNT: 2.6k
WARNING: age gap, student-professor relationship
SUMMARY:Â Harry is very strict about staying away from students as a young and handsome professor, but there is one person he can't get out of his head and a Christmas party brings an unexpected turn.
MASTERLISTÂ |Â SUPPORT ME!
Harry hates these type of parties, mostly because he canât imagine inviting dozens of students into his home, his private space, have the roam around and spend an entire evening with them, talking and pretending like they arenât just trying to get a better grade at the end of the semester with their too friendly behavior. Or, in his case, some girls try to push the boundaries and flirt with him, hoping to hook up with him.Â
He is not stupid. He has heard students whisper about him several times, he notices the heart eyes when he is talking in class and he has gotten several phone numbers on papers since he started his PHD studies and started teaching last year. His friends teased him about being the heartthrob of the faculty, but he didnât think it would actually happen and to this extent. To avoid any possible scandals, not that he planned to make any, he has put on quite a rigid mask towards the students to scare them off from even trying, though that hasnât stopped some of them from wanting to shoot their shot.Â
He wouldnât have come to this party, he would rather be home and continue his research thatâs still not even close to being done, but Professor Bradford, or Stella as she requests Harry to call her, is the only person he gets along with in the faculty. She is 18 years older than Harry, but still younger than the rest of the old men who have been teaching here since probably before the declaration of independence was signed. Those men are the reason younger people donât like classic literature anymore, with their outdated ways of teaching and unwillingness to bring something modern into their lectures they are scaring the new generations away. But not Stella. She is one of the reasons Harry went into his PHD and now he gets to work with her. He couldnât just reject her invitation for her annual Christmas Party she holds for her students and some colleagues.Â
Now he is standing by the wall, drinking mulled wine and just gritting his teeth, trying to calculate how early is too early to leave. A couple of girls have already tried to chat him up, they like to circle him, leave him almost no room to escape and then make him talk about school stuff, but then they slyly bring up personal things, hoping to break his usual character, but he sees through them always.Â
Harryâs best friend, Niall always teases him that he should just give in and have fun with one of them. His morals are a lot looser than Harryâs, thatâs for sure.Â
Just as he is about to look for the bathroom, not to use it but to hide for a bit, another group of girls spots him and he can already feel his skin crawling as they approach him from down the hallway. He is quick to assess the situation, but he realizes he has no chance of fleeing before they reach him.Â
âProfesor! So good to see you here!âÂ
And here we go.Â
It goes the same, they are extremely nice and inquiring about his plans for the next semester and then suddenly they are talking about summer and Harry knows they are moments away from asking what heâll be doing once the school year is over. One of the girls is talking about going to Italy on a yacht and the others chime in with their own ridiculously over the top plans while Harry is avoiding to even look at them, his eyes roam around the other guests.Â
Thatâs when he sees her.Â
Just down the hall he can peek into the kitchen and there she is, with a boy Harry assumes to be her boyfriend. Heâs seen them around campus the past few weeks, he even waited for her after Harryâs class and saw them walk away together as he fought the way his stomach churned every time.Â
Since the moment she walked into his class at the beginning of the semester Harry has been feeling like he is losing his mind. Whether it be the way she laughs with her friends before class or focuses with undivided attention as Harry explains something by the board, or says hello every time she passes him in the cafeteria, Harry canât stop thinking about her for days after even though he knows such feelings should be banned from his mind when it comes to a student. Every time he catches himself thinking about her he wants to throw himself out the window, but he still canât fight it. Thereâs something in her that draws him in and swallows him whole and itâs not just the looks. Unlike a lot of students who take his classes for easy credits or to drool after him, she is there to learn as much as she can and sheâs had the most brilliant thoughts on certain subjects Harry has ever encountered, making him almost jealous he wasnât the one to think about them.Â
She is⊠unmatched. And forbidden, but impossible to ignore. Sheâs been his vice for months.
From where he stands it appears she is having a fight with said boyfriend, her always cheerful expression is now rather upset and confused while the boy seems to be over the conversation, almost irritated by her, dismissed. Harry tries to appear not too obvious about watching them, but he is also way too fixated on her to ignore whatâs happening just down the hallway.Â
He glances away just for a few seconds, but the next time he looks back he sees the boy stomping away, irritated, while she is left there, pulling on her coat before disappearing through the backdoor, swallowed by the darkness of the unlit back terrace.Â
And before Harry could stop himself, he is already moving.
âExcuse me girl,â he mumbles disorientedly as he slips out of the small circle.Â
He places his glass to a nearby table and then grabs his own coat from the wardrobe in the hallway before making his way outside. After her.Â
The moment he steps out into the cold a short sense of realization washes over him that he definitely shouldnât be here, that he is crossing a line, but then another voice in his head tunes it out, convincing him that he is just making sure she is okay and thereâs nothing wrong with that.Â
Stopping by the door his gaze rakes through the terrace, but he doesnât see her, until she spots her slouched form sitting on the bottom of the stairs leading out to the lawn. He hears her sniffling, but she hasnât acknowledged his presence yet, if she noticed it at all. Thereâs a couple of moments of hesitation on his end, he can hear the rational side of him screaming somewhere in the back of his mind, telling him to turn around and just walk back inside, yet he still finds himself moving towards him and then that voice is silenced.Â
âEverything alright?â Harry asks from the top of the stairs, but he startles her so much that she jumps to her feet and backs away a few feet. Thatâs when he sees her tearful eyes and red nose.Â
âS-Sorry, I donâtââ
âHey, itâs all good. You didnât do anything wrong. Just checking in.â
She squints her eyes at him and thatâs when he realizes she must not even see his face since the light is coming right behind him. So he walks down the stairs and then finally his face is lit and realization settles in her eyes.Â
âOh, Professor Styles. Hi.â
âHello Y/N. Are you okay?â he asks again, to which she just chuckles bitterly.Â
He canât miss that even with tears running down her cheeks and her eyelashes stuck together, she looks so fucking beautiful it baffles him. He has to fight the urge to reach out and touch her tear-soaked cheeks.Â
âUm, yeah, everything is⊠perfect,â she scoffs, reaching into her pockets, probably looking for tissues, but finding none so Harry grabs one from his inner pocket, handing it over to her, her fingers brushing against his for the shortest second as she takes it and then itâs over, but his skin keeps tingling.Â
âThanks,â she mumbles before drying her face as much as she can. âIâm good. JustâŠâ She looks at him and changes her mind. âAh, wouldnât want to bore you with my nonsense personal drama.â
âDrama is never boring, have you learned nothing in my class?â he jokes and it actually makes her laugh.Â
âThis drama is not worthy of being taught in class though.â
âI bet some of the big names thought the same thing upon writing what we read in class these days.â
âSo youâre saying I should write about how my boyfriend is fed up with me because I told him something he did hurt me?â
âThat sounds like something I bet a lot of people would want to read about,â he smiles and when she mirrors it, he can feel his chest expanding. Somewhere way too deep in his mind an alarm goes off, but it quickly becomes one with the void and all he can think about is her. âActually I can think of a few great pieces that are about similar topics.â
âReally?â
âYeah, believe it or not, youâre not the first one to experience this.â
The way she looks at him is setting him on fire. The mixture of sadness, tiredness and gratitude towards his attempt to cheer her up is still making her glow in a way Harry has never seen before on any woman.Â
âDo you mind analyzing one for me right now?â
âIâd be happy to.â
The party is completely tuned out for the two of them. First they actually talk about a novel, but soon it turns into sharing their favorite books and authors, their guilty pleasure reads, recommendations for each other and even more personal bits Harry would never share with a student, but Y/N is the exception.Â
They have no idea how much time passes as they stand outside and Harry ignores how the cold starts to sting his fingertips even in his pockets, because he knows that if they go inside this bubble will pop and he is too selfish to let that happen just yet.Â
When thereâs a short silence Harry notices that she is probably slipping back into what happened earlier and when she looks at him again he already knows she is about to share.
âI gave him a chance and explicitly told him not to fuck me over, because I canât deal with that again. But all he has been doing is manipulating to believe that Iâm always in the wrong.â
âItâs impossible for you to always be in the wrong.â
âI know. Well, part of me knows, but then I always go back to thinking that he is right, I must have messed up something.â
âThat just proves that you have self-criticism, that you donât just think everything you do is perfect.â
She sighs and looks away, her gaze distant as she battles herself inside her head, a feeling Harry knows very well, unfortunately. It doesnât sit right with him that she is visibly struggling because of an immature guyâs untreated problems. She deserves so much more, but how can he tell that without crossing a line?
âGive it some time and youâll see it clearer. Use your critical thinking on his actions as well, not just yours and donât settle for less than your worth.â
âYou think I did that?â she asks, eyes jumping back to meet his gaze. âYou think I settled for less than my worth?â
Thereâs more behind her eyes than the words she said out loud and he is torn, because he can feel himself being pulled in more than ever, like she just opened the door the slightest and he has the chance to slip in. Itâs the first time he senses something on her part and after all the yearning he is eager to take the chance.Â
âI think you deserve a lot more, Y/N. Youâre brilliant, bright and give so much to others, you should get the same amount if not more back. If someone canât see that, then they donât deserve you.â
For a second he wishes he didnât say a thing, he regrets crossing the line and he fears her reaction, but thenâŠÂ
Then he forgets everything. Because she is kissing him.Â
It happens fast, one moment she is staring up at him with doe eyes, the next her lips are crashing against his, her hands grabbing onto the lapels of his coat. He barely recovers from the shock when she is already pulling away.
âI-Iâm so sorry, I d-didnât mean to, I justâOh my Goââ
Her stammering is quickly cut short when he kisses her, his hands holding her jaw to angle her face perfectly and while her kiss was closed, rushed and panicked, this one is different. He is quick to beg for her to open her lips so he can explore as much of her as humanly possible, he is letting all the passions loose that heâs been locking up these past months and when she returns it just as eagerly it just pushes him even further.Â
They inch back to the wall of the house and when he pins her against it a moan slips past her swollen lips, completely maddening him.Â
âFuck, Y/N,â he breathes against her lips, kissing her jawline, savoring the sweet taste of her skin thatâs supposed to be cold, but itâs actually burning. For him.Â
He keeps one hand on the side of her neck, the other one digs into her hip through her coat and she keeps pushing against him, while her hands wander under his coat, they are on his waist, back and when they move to his lower stomach, brushing against his belt, something snaps inside him.Â
But before he could completely lose his mind the backdoor opens and he quickly sobers up, pulling her farther away from the corner so they canât be seen.Â
â...and that was actually crazy,â a girl speaks up, oblivious to how Harry has Y/N pinned against the wall just a few feet away. They are both breathing heavily, but she has her face buried in his shoulder while he covers his mouth with a hand, adrenaline racing through his veins.Â
âAh shit, Iâm out of cigarettes,â another girl says.
âMm letâs get out of here then. I think Max said they are having a little party as well.â
âOkay.â
Then the door opens again and the voices disappear, but reality hits Harry hard in the head.
He slowly pulls back, enough to look at her face and when he sees her swollen lips and slightly smeared mascara he almost combusts.Â
Because he wants nothing more than to take her, right here and then everywhere else in the world, but he also realizes what he just did and this time his rational side wins.Â
âFuck,â he gasps as he jumps back, cupping a hand over his mouth.
âI wanted itââ
âY/N, stop!â he cuts her off. âFuck, this was a mistake.â
âBut I wanted it! You didnâtââ
âI said stop!â he barks and she shuts her mouth right away. âThis shouldnât have happened.â
And before she could protest again or worse, kiss him again, he is already storming back inside, across the house towards the front door.
âHarry! I havenât seen you all night!â Stella catches him, but he just wants to get as far away from this house and from Y/N as possible.
âIâm sorry, I need to go. Iâll talk to you later,â is all he manages to say before he is already out the door.
Thank you for reading, please like and reblog if you enjoyed and buy me a coffee if you want to support me!
#harry#styles#harry styles#harry styles fanfiction#harry styles fanfic#harry styles oneshot#harry styles one shot#harry styles fluff#harry styles x you#harry styles x y/n#harry styles x reader#harry styles blurb
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ââ àšà§ !ăTOO MUCH
chris sturniolo x reader
SUMMARY: Where Matt and Nick say some hurtful things to Chris during a fight, bringing his insecurities to life and causing him to turn to his anchor, Y/N.
WARNING: Insecurities, fighting, crying, anxiety attack.
REQUESTED?: Yes, by anon.
AUTHOR'S NOTE: That is my work, I DON'T authorize any plagiarism, copy, or "inspiration"! | English isn't my first language, so I'm sorry if there's any grammar error.
ăăăàŒ»âŠàŒș ăàŒ»â§àŒșăàŒ»âŠàŒș
The noise in the living room had escalated from playful teasing in front of the camera to sharp, biting words. Chris stood behind the kitchen table, his hands clenched into fists at his sides as he glared at Matt and Nick, who were both looking at him from the other side of the table with expressions caught between frustration and exasperation.
"Do you ever think before you act, Chris?" Matt's voice was, surprisingly, raised, an edge of impatience in his tone. "We canât get through one day without you doing something childish and making a scene, or worse, making our videos look like shit because of it!"
Chrisâs jaw tightened, but he didnât respond immediately, his eyes darting between his brothers, trying to make sense of how things had gotten so out of hand.
"I wasnât trying to do anything." He muttered finally, his voice barely above a whisper laced with hurt. "I was just... being myself."
"Yeah, exactly." Nick jumped in, crossing his arms tightly over his chest. "And thatâs the problem. Youâre always yelling and doing the most, Chris. Itâs just... exhausting, okay?"
Chris clenched his fists, jaw tight as he glared at Nick, feeling himself crumbling a bit because sure, heâs too much. Sure, he speaks too loud and had opinions about everything and wasnât afraid to share them, even if they were about the silliest things. Sure, he feels cornered and childish and immature and annoying, and most of what they're saying is probably true, but hearing his own brothers say it out loud... it pains his heart.
"You know, thatâs actually rich coming from you." He shot back, his voice carrying a frustration he couldnât hold back, trying to disguise his pain with anger. "Youâre always the first to say that people watch us because weâre different, because even though we look the same, we're still different. But all you ever do is complain that Iâm not just like you or Matt!â
Nickâs expression shifted, taken aback by Chrisâs words. But Nick wasnât one to back down, his voice snapping back almost before Chris had finished speaking.
"Thatâs not what Iâm saying at all!" He fired, eyes narrowing. "Is it so insane to want you to stop yelling and acting like a literal child in every video? Weâre trying to be professional, Chris! People like us, yeah, but they wonât if you keep acting like-"
Chris dragged a hand over his face, pressing the heel of his palm into his forehead, trying to shut out Nickâs words, trying to drown out the overwhelming feeling of being misunderstood.
"... and we canât keep dealing with it, Chris. Grow the fuck up."
The youngest felt his chest tighten even more. His greatest insecurity - one that clawed at his chest every night when he couldnât sleep, when the silence around him became deafening - was now on full display, brutally brought to life by the people he trusted most.
The internet was relentless in labeling him as "the weird one", the "annoying triplet", just because he was loud and talked too much, just because he was unapologetically himself. Heâd laugh it off, of course, joke about it even because it was easier to pretend it didnât bother him. But deep down, those words haunted him, scraping at the edges of his self-worth, making him wonder if maybe, just maybe, he wasnât enough.
And now, hearing Matt and Nick throw those same words at him... he felt hollow. Like all the air had been knocked from his lungs. They knew. They knew how those comments got to him, how hard he tried to ignore it, to rise above the criticism.
"Fine." He said bitterly, hating how his voice trembled slightly as he struggled to keep his emotions in check. "Iâll get out of your way, then."
He pushed his weight off of the table, preparing himself to get out of there, but as Chris stormed away, Nick's frustration boiled over, and he turned to Matt, his voice sharp and incredulous.
"Are you fucking kidding me?" He hissed, his eyes flashing with a mixture of anger and disbelief.
But Chris kept walking, his shoulders tense as he made his way to the stairs, refusing to let himself look back. His brothersâ voices felt like static at this point, blending into the background as he forced himself to keep going.
Behind him, Matt muttered under his breath, an edge of impatience creeping in.
"Why is he being so dramatic?" He called, exasperation evident in his tone. "Chris, just come back, man! Letâs finish this video."
But Chris didnât even slow down. Each word felt like salt in a wound he was struggling to ignore, a constant reminder that he wasnât on the same level as them, that they were all looking at him like he was the problem.
Maybe he was.
As he went down the stairs, his mind was racing, every emotion simmering just below the surface.
His hands trembled slightly as he reached his bedroom door, a mix of anger, shame, and sadness twisting in his chest, his breath hitching as he struggled to keep it together. He wanted to scream, to push all the hurt away.
Finally, he opened the door and stepped inside.
Y/N - curled up on his bed with notebooks spread around her and laptop balanced on her knees - looked up instantly, a huge smile spreading across her face as she noticed him, her expression so genuinely happy to see him that it made his heart ache even more.
"Hi, honey! How was filming?" She greeted brightly, unaware of the turmoil written across his face.
But her smile faltered quickly as she took in his red-rimmed eyes, the way his face seemed almost haunted, his body tense and trembling as he stood frozen in the doorway. She blinked, worry flashing across her features.
"Chris? Hey, what happened?" The girl whispered, and her words were like a lifeline, breaking the dam heâd tried so hard to keep in place.
She was quick in put her work together, placing her notebooks and laptop gently onto the floor beside her, leaving it all opened for her to come back to it later, her arms instinctively opening up to him.
"Come here, baby."
Without another thought, Chris crossed the room and collapsed into her open arms, sinking onto the bed as if the weight of the world had become too much for him to bear alone.
His arms wrapped tightly around her waist, his face burrowing into her shoulder as if he could somehow hide from everything that had been clawing at him. His legs slid between her thighs, his body curling into hers, every part of him drawn in close, seeking refuge in the only place that felt safe.
Y/N didnât say anything at first. She could feel the way his shoulders shook, the silent sobs racking through him as he tried to hold back, his breath catching painfully against her neck. She held him even tighter, her hands slipping up to cradle the back of his head, her fingers threading gently through his fluff hair as she pressed soft, reassuring kisses to his forehead, his temple, anywhere she could reach.
"Shh... Itâs okay, sweetheart." She murmured softly, pressing her lips to his line of hair. "I'm here. You're safe. Just breathe, Chris. Just breathe, baby."
But Chris felt anything but safe in his own skin. Shame and hurt twisted inside him, tightening like a vice around his chest. He tried to fold himself even smaller, curling tighter into her, trying to somehow look smaller for a 5'8 grown man, pressing his body as close to hers as he could.
He wanted to disappear, to melt into her embrace, and let the world live freely without his presence. The words Matt and Nick had thrown at him - the very same words he read online, the labels he was used to brushing off - felt so true, so much a part of him that he couldnât deny them.
Childish. Annoying. Immature.
He hated himself in that moment, hated how much he cared, hated how the words dug under his skin, making him feel unworthy, unloved.
"Am I... am I really that annoying?" He whispered, his voice cracking and sounding more horse than it should. "Do you... Do you think Iâm too much, too?"
Y/Nâs heart twisted painfully as she heard his words, the broken way he spoke them. She frowned deeply, pulling back just enough to look down at him, her hand cupping his wet cheek as she met his gaze, her thumb brushing away a stray tear that had slipped down his face.
"Oh, sweetheart..." She shook her head gently, her voice laced with disbelief and fierce love. "No. No, Chris, of course not. Youâre not annoying. Youâre not too much. Youâre everything I could ever want. Youâre perfect exactly the way you are."
He clenched his fists, gripping onto Y/Nâs hoodie - or better, his own blue hoodie -, his knuckles white with the force of it as he tried to agree with her, but her words didnât seem to reach him. His brow furrowed, his eyes filling with fresh tears as he choked out.
"They said... They said Iâm always yelling, being loud, making a scene... like Iâm always... embarrassing them." His voice caught on the last words, his breath hitching as he fought to keep from breaking down completely.
Y/N held him tighter, her hand moving to the bottom of his white shirt, traveling inside of it only to rub soothing circles along his naked back as she spoke in a soft, steady tone, hoping her words would anchor him.
"Chris, they love you. Theyâre just... they donât understand how much their words hurt sometimes. But that doesnât mean youâre a burden or that youâre too much. You bring so much joy and energy to everything. Thatâs part of who you are, and itâs one of the things I love most about you."
He shook his head slightly, his breathing coming faster as anxiety started to build again, overtaking him.
"I... I just donât get it. One minute, theyâre saying people watch us because weâre different... and then they tell me I should be more like them. I donât... I donât know how to be that. I tried so hard to be like them, you have to believe me, but I donât know how to change who I am-"
Y/N felt the depth of his frustration in the desperate way that he begged, wanting - no, needing - her to believe him. She cupped his face gently, urging him to look at her.
"You donât have to change, Chris. Not for anyone. Youâre enough just as you are, baby. And youâre not a burden. Not to me, not to anyone who really sees you and loves you for who you are."
He nodded slowly, finally trying to take a deep breath, only to feel like his nose was closed and his throat was being chocked by invisible hands. He closed his eyes forcefully, biting his bottom lip in concentration as he tried to breathe in a gulp of air that never seemed to be enough. Chris could feel his heart tightening, his chest struggling in the quick movements of going up and down too many times in a second.
"Can't- I... Please-" He tried, tightening his hands around her hoodie, panicking with the anxiety attack that seemed to come so suddenly.
"Hey, hey, Chris. Sweetheart, youâre okay." Y/N whispered softly, her voice a calming presence against the storm inside him. She shifted slightly, one hand now resting on his chest with a firm press as she guided him through deep breaths, her own voice slow and steady. "Come on, just breathe with me, okay? In... and out... Nice and slow. Iâm right here with you."
Following her lead, Chris pressed his eyes tighter in a way that made him see stars behind his eyelids, focusing on the rhythm of her voice, the rise and fall of her own breathing against his fists. With each exhale, he felt a bit of the tension release, his chest loosening as he tried to match her calming breaths.
Gradually, his racing heart began to slow, the adrenaline draining from his body, leaving him feeling heavy, exhausted.
Y/N smiled softly, brushing her fingers through his hair as she pressed a gentle kiss to his forehead.
"There you go. Thatâs it... Well done, my strong boy. Now, just relax. Iâve got you."
As his breathing evened out, Chris opened his eyes slowly, his blurred gaze meeting hers with a vulnerability that tore at her heart.
"You donât have to carry all of this alone, Chris. Iâm always here for you, no matter what. Youâre safe with me, okay? I love you... so much." She leaned down, pressing another kiss to his forehead as she held him close, her voice soft.
The gentle reassurance, the quiet love in her words wrapped around him like a blanket, pulling him further into her warmth. His eyelids grew heavier, the tiredness finally catching up with him as he let himself surrender to the comfort of her arms, a quiet whine escaping his throat.
"I know, honey. Sleep." Y/N whispered, a tender smile on her lips as she cradled him closer, holding him like a mother would hold her kid, her hands tracing soothing patterns along his back. "You can rest. Iâll be right here when you wake up."
As she continued to whisper soft reassurances, her fingers running gently through his hair, Chrisâs breathing finally evened out, his body relaxing completely in her arms. His head rested on the curve of her neck, his arms still wrapped around her waist as he drifted off, his pain and worries slipping away in the safety of her embrace.
Y/N leaned down, pressing one last, lingering kiss to his hair before laying her cheek against his head, her arms wrapped securely around his body as she watched over him.
"I love you, sweet boy."
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A couple of hours had passed, the sunsetting casting a soft, warm light over Chrisâs room, where he and Y/N lay wrapped together on the bed. Chrisâs face was nestled against her shoulder, his breathing steady and calm now, his chest rising and falling in sync with hers.
Outside the room, Matt and Nick exchanged a glance. Theyâd been standing in the hallway for nearly five minutes, trying to muster the courage to knock. Their earlier argument with Chris had weighed heavily on both of them, guilt twisting in their stomachs as they replayed every hurtful word that had left their mouths.
Finally, Matt raised his fist and knocked softly on Chrisâs door, the faint sound echoing in the silence. When there was no answer, he hesitated, glancing at Nick before slowly pushing the door open.
They both froze at the sight before them. Chris and Y/N were curled up together on the bed, Chrisâs face still damp from tears as he lay against her, completely relaxed in her arms. Y/N had one arm around his shoulders, her fingers resting in his hair, while her other hand was hiding inside his shirt, holding his back, cradling him protectively. They looked peaceful.
Mattâs heart clenched at the sight, guilt intensifying as he took in Chrisâs tear-streaked face. He glanced over at Nick, who was staring down at his feet, clearly feeling the same crushing remorse.
"Let's go. We can come back later." Matt muttered, pulling Nick towards himself before starting to back out of the room, thinking it might be best to give Chris a bit more time.
But just as they were about to close the door, Chris stirred, shifting slightly in Y/Nâs arms. He nuzzled his head on her shoulder, his face just inches from the gentle slope of her neck where he could still catch the faint, familiar scent of her perfume mingling with the natural warmth of her skin.
He moved slightly, careful not to wake her, though his movement caused her to pull him in closer, her fingers instinctively brushing over his back. The feeling of her hand tracing small, soothing circles over his shoulder as if it was a muscle memory grounded him further, coaxing a soft sigh from him as he nuzzled deeper into her embrace, pressing a gentle, barely-there kiss to her neck.
When his sleepy eyes finally traveled around the room while gently stretching his legs between hers, he finally caught Matt and Nick's figures standing in the doorway.
His face fell the instant he realized they were there, his peaceful expression replaced by a guarded, distant look. Carefully, he eased himself up, making sure not to wake Y/N as he pulled himself away from her arms.
"Came for round two?" He looked at Matt and Nick, his sleepy voice laced with bitterness as he asked.
Nick swallowed, words catching in his throat as he struggled to find the right thing to say. What an irony. He opened his mouth but only managed to mumble, stumbling over his words as he tried to get them out.
Finally, Nick took a small step closer, his voice barely above a whisper.
"Chris, I... we came to say... We just..." His pearly teeth caged his bottom lip momentarily, taking a deep breath. "We love that youâre different."
Chris stared at him, incredulous, eyebrows raised as he scoffed softly.
"Different? Thatâs what youâre leading with?" His eyes narrowed, hurt simmering just beneath the surface. "So now Iâm the âdifferentâ one? Funny, âcause that didnât seem to be a good thing a few hours ago."
Nick faltered, his face flushing as he realized his words werenât coming out the way he intended. He tried again, tripping over his explanation.
"No, no, I... I didnât mean it like that. I just-"
Chris took a deep, shaky breath, his gaze lowered as he avoided Nick and Matt's eyes, interrupting Nick.
"Look, I want to apologize, alright?" He started, his voice barely more than a murmur, thick with emotion. "I know it was all my fault and that Iâm a lot to handle. I get it. I can be too loud, too... everything, really. And I know Iâm not like you guys. Iâve tried so hard to be, but itâs just... not me." His words hung heavy in the room, his fingers twisting anxiously in his lap. "I feel like sometimes I just ruin things because I donât know how to turn it off. You two seem to have this balance, you know when to joke and when to be serious, and Iâm over here just... always pushing things too far."
He exhaled deeply, finally lifting his eyes to meet his brothers', the weight of insecurity and years of self-doubt written all over his face.
"Iâm sorry if it feels like you have to put up with me. Iâve tried to be more like you, but itâs never enough. And sometimes... it just feels like who I am isnât what anyone wants." His voice cracked at the last words, his vulnerability laid bare, and he quickly looked away, bracing himself for whatever they would say.
Nick and Matt shared a look, each seeing the guilt mirrored in the otherâs eyes as Chrisâs words sank in, cutting through them like a blade.
Matt felt his chest tighten, a pang of regret settling heavily in his stomach, making it hard to breathe. How could he have let Chris - his little brother, the boy who was always loving him no matter what - believe, even for a second, that he wasnât wanted exactly as he was?
His legs moved on instinct, carrying him back into the room before he even registered it, straight to Chris, who looked so small and hurt, slumped at the edge of the bed. Kneeling down, Matt reached out, placing a steadying hand on Chrisâs knee, his fingers gently pressing into his brotherâs skin as if trying to ground him.
"Chris, youâre our little brother. I donât ever want you to feel like youâre too much for us." He swallowed, his voice wavering as he continued, willing Chris to see and feel every word. "I love you, man. We love you for who you are. You donât need to change a thing. Itâs your energy, your spark that makes everything better. You have this way of bringing life into everything, and thatâs something I wouldnât change for anything." He looked into Chrisâs eyes, his own gaze filled with a raw honesty. "We need you to be you, Chris. No one else."
Nickâs heart clenched as he watched, his own guilt building with every second. Gaining control over the hurt and regret flooding him, he crossed the room in long strides, dropping down beside Matt. He looked up at Chris, his throat tight with emotion, the sight of his little brother so closed-off, so wounded, cutting deep. He was supposed to protect him, not hurt him.
"Yeah... you being another person? Thatâs not what we want at all. Weâve never wanted you to be anyone else. Youâre perfect the way you are, Chris." Nickâs voice shook, filled with a determination to make Chris understand the truth, to undo every careless word he and Matt had thrown his way earlier. "I'm so, so sorry that we said all of those things and made you think so bad about yourself."
Chrisâs defenses wavered, his resolve crumbling as he glanced between his brothers. Their sincerity seeped through, but doubt still clouded his gaze. He let out a heavy sigh, loosening his grip on his hoodie just a bit.
"You promise?" His voice was barely a whisper, fragile and laced with uncertainty, his fingers twisting anxiously into the fabric of his sleeve.
Without hesitation, Nick reached forward, taking Chrisâs hands in his own, intertwining their fingers and squeezing firmly.
"We promise. We love how wild you are, how youâre always the one bringing the energy. Youâre louder, sure, but thatâs not something bad, it's exactly what makes you, you. Youâre the happiest out of the three of us, Chris, and we wouldnât change that for anything." He gave Chrisâs hand another reassuring squeeze, feeling the smallest hint of relief when he saw the younger brother begin to relax, if only slightly.
Matt nodded, adding gently.
"And hey, I donât think we need to be professional or act in a type of way for our videos to be good. The viewers love us for who we are... the mix of chaos and calm. Thatâs what makes us, us. Itâs why they stick around."
Chris took a shaky breath, letting their words settle over him, feeling the weight of them begin to ease some of the pain. Slowly, he nodded, his fingers curling back around Nickâs reassuring grip.
"Okay."
Matt leaned forward, placing a hand on Chrisâs shoulder.
"Weâll do better, alright? Weâre brothers. Weâre gonna mess up, but that doesnât mean we wonât have each otherâs backs. Always."
Chris exhaled deeply, finally letting the tension melt away as he leaned into their touch, the comfort of his brothers grounding him in a way only they could. Straightening himself, he managed a small, tired smile, his heart feeling a bit lighter.
"Yeah... always."
"Well, Iâm really glad you guys are okay again." Y/Nâs soft voice broke the silence, bringing all three heads up in surprise.
She moved with a quiet strength as she sat up and brushed her hand tenderly through Chrisâs hair, watching his face light up as he realized sheâd been awake all along.
"But just so weâre clear... if either of you hurt my baby like that again, youâre going to have to answer to me." She turned her gaze to Nick and Matt, a playful but fierce glint in her eyes.
"Y/N..." Chris dragged the last letter of her name in a whining tone, feeling flustered with how she called him 'her baby' in front of his brothers - even though they were more than accustomed with it.
Nickâs eyes widened jokingly with her threat, a chuckle escaping him. He lifted his hands in mock surrender, glancing at Matt as if to say, 'Well, we better watch out'. Matt nodded, eyes a bit sheepish, scratching the back of his neck.
"Alright, alright, no more ganging up on Chris. You have our word, Y/N."
Content with their promises, Y/N turned her attention back to Chris, opening her arms and pulling him into her embrace once more. He let out a soft sigh, sinking into her warmth, his head nestled against her shoulder. Her arms wrapped around him protectively, fingers tracing soothing circles along his back as she whispered.
"I told you they didn't mean it." He closed his eyes, letting her words wash over him, the last bits of hurt melting away.
Nick and Matt watched the two of them, a fondness softening their expressions.
"You know." She murmured, pulling Chris's head away from her chest and looking at him with a mischievous grin. "Youâre pretty lucky to have all of us wrapped around your finger."
Chris laughed, a real laugh this time, the sound full of relief and love.
"Yeah, I know. I just... I guess I forget sometimes."
"Well." Nick started, squeezing Chrisâs shoulder with a grin. "Weâre not going anywhere. So next time, just remind us if weâre being idiots, alright?"
Chris nodded, glancing gratefully at each of them, feeling more grounded and cherished than he had in a long time.
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