#// crack //
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i'm a writer irl (can't say who because my agent would rightfully put me into a blender and press the button if i go and out myself as "balrogballs") and honestly the funniest and most humiliating incident of my life was the time my finished manuscript triggered a plagiarism flag with the publisher for two lines of prose in my literary fiction novel...
.... which was word for word similar to a paragraph in a certain explicit work on FFN starring elrond and his batsman from the hobbit films, aka that one elf that looked like he ate panic attacks for breakfast (i forget his name but it's Figwit II) where the lord of imladris bends said twink over his writing desk and gives him the battering ram treatment.
and if you think i had to sit in front of one if the biggest publishing companies in the world and admit that it was, in fact, me who wrote the fic where the lord of imladris bends said twink over his writing desk and gives him the battering ram treatment in order to avoid being wrongly flagged for plagiarism, you would be absolutely correct.
(yes they published the book)
#Crack#except its my life#lord of the rings#The hobbit#these days if u write a fic abt Elrond tupping a twink to Tipperary they throw u in jail#Free balrogballs
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Specifically work plans. No, I am not lonely why do you ask?
i cancel plans to spend time with me
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#batman#damian wayne#dc comics#batfam#crack#red hood#dc#jonathan kent#jason todd#nika dc#tim drake#dick grayson#duke thomas#cassandra cain#stephanie brown#batman wayne family adventures#polls#kate kane#batgirl#dc robin#batman and robin
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He wants to order.
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Would you love me if I was a worm
Would you eat me if I was a worm?
#cracksgiving#zukka#worm sokka seduces bird zuko in order to not get eaten (and keep him away from the avatar)#i hope this stays unserious and I don't get too invested in this idea–#zuko is such a perfect bird tho#the kind that starts noisily chirping at the asscrack of dawn#worm sokka#bird zuko#sokka#zuko#iroh#katara#aang#atla#crack#avatar the last airbender#fanart#digital art#umossu
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Shadow Popped Sonic’s Cherry?!? ✊🍒😱?!
#sonic the hedgehog#sonadow#sonic fanart#sonic the hedghog fanart#shadow the hedgehog#suggestive#jokes#crack#crack post#shitpost#joking
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I am feeling an intense craving to read a good ensemble fic about Arwen and Aragorn's wedding please let me know if there is one and if not someone needs to write it before I do because the literary-comedic potential of the setting is simply immense.
Like you have A&A obviously fulfilling their romantic destiny etc etc, but the ensemble! You could have Gimli and the dwarves running a mildly bitchy yet incredibly funny gambling ring! Elladan and Elrohir getting their hands on a caseful of edibles trying to re-enact the plot of Fear and Loathing in Las Vegas! The twins linking up with Merry and Pippin and getting done for whatever is the Gondorian equivalent of accidental terrorism!
And of course, poor Elrond who apparently got the wrong memo and "accidentally" came dressed for a funeral! Bilbo also turning up confused as all hell and dressed in all black because it seems Elrond also told him it was a funeral! Elladan and Elrohir being commanded by the bride to distract their father so he doesn't start crying into the appetisers!
Legolas coming dressed in all white (canon!) on purpose just to fuck with the guests and telling everyone he's the bride! El-twins standing up during the "does anyone object to this union" bit and yelling out "INCEST! BARE FACED INCEST IN THE HOUSE OF ELROND!"
Arwen and Aragorn trying to take them to task for it before they point out that it did manage to distract their father, who was no longer crying into the appetisers and instead making the rounds explaining to every single guest that it wasn't incest, that to call it incest would be like punching a monkey and calling it kinslaying, and that he was looking for mortal brides for his sons so please let him know if they know of any eligible ladies with a limited lifespan.
A TREASURE TROVE of opportunities I swear pls mine this cave and give me the big fat elven wedding I deserve to read about!
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Fluff/Soft Fics
Things are hard. Here are some softer Tom, some humorous, and some fluffy fics to cuddle with. Graphic by Mod April - TF Team
Just Another Girl Alone at the Bar by Spork_in_the_Road
M | Complete | 8k
“Oh Ron-Ron, you’re too funny,” a feminine voice says, giggling. Hermione thinks she might vomit. In which Hermione pretends Tom is her boyfriend until he actually is.
Hot Lips by nauticalparamour
E | One-shot | 3k
When Tom Riddle finds out that Hermione Granger has a phone sex line, his first inclination is to use it to blackmail her. But, once he gets her talking, he doesn't want it to end.
Forever Means Forever by cocoartist
T | Complete | 7k
If she ever saw Unspeakable Number 37 again she would kill him with her bare hands: Hermione's research into the Veil has an unexpected side-effect. COMPLETE.
A Naughty Niffler by bunnystealsyourcarrots
E | One-shot | 2k
Hermione finds herself sucked into an unknown world with an old familiar face
Youth in Retrospect by provocative_envy
E | One shot | 8k
She’s buying a box of condoms when she meets him. “Those are shit, you know,” he says, jerking his chin at the pale purple box in her hand. “Can’t feel anything.” She stares at him for a moment too long. The bell above the door jingles merrily as a rowdy group of schoolboys enters the store. “Excuse you,” she replies, cheeks turning pink.
Nerve Damage by januarywren
T | Complete | 6k
“Working late again?” Hermione asked, leaning against the doorway, arms crossed, her raised eyebrow daring him to make a smart remark. That look had sent more than one ex fuming—but not him. Never him. Tom glanced up from his paperwork, his usual mask of indifference giving way to a slow, lazy smile. “Someone has to keep things running smoothly around here. I thought you’d be fast asleep by now, Miss Granger.” She let her gaze wander over the surprising disarray of his desk, piled high with case files and pages dotted with notes in his precise handwriting. She'd teased him more than once about his borderline obsessive need for order, how every pen, every scrap of paper, had its place. But she didn't mention it now or comment on the faint stain on his collar. Losing a patient did things to a person—things no textbook or professor could ever prepare them for. House M.D. Inspired AU | There’s a sickness between Hermione and Tom that neither has any desire to cure. (It isn't love. It isn't. 🖤)
communication errors by esotyric (devilrie)
T | Complete | 7k
sender: [email protected] recipient: [email protected] subject: Today’s Meeting Granger – Attached is the dry-cleaning bill for the shirt you ruined when you threw your tea at it. I’m not sure if you noticed, but I happened to be wearing the shirt at the time. You are lucky it was cold. Pay the bill and I won’t sue you for assault. Regards, Thomas Marvolo Riddle CEO of Walpurgis Corporate sender: [email protected] recipient: [email protected] subject: re: Today’s Meeting Riddle – I did notice, because unlike you, I can identify when something is being inhabited, you forest-destroying monster. You do not require a dry cleaner to get herbal tea out of a shirt. The shirt was black, the tea was camomile, and you have no grounds on which to stand nor sue. Your company, however, WILL be exposed for the havoc it is wreaking upon our natural world. Sincerely, Hermione Jean Granger CEO of Not being a Twat
Domestic Bliss by airgloweffect
M | one shot | 693
A snapshot into the life of Tom and Hermione Riddle.AU
Avada Kedavra Anonymous by Speechwriter
K+ | Complete | 8k
No one missed Riddle's pale fist tightening around the useless wand in his lap. "I am Tom," he ground out. "I am here for the sole reason that the alternative was community service." / Hermione moderates a post-Avada Kedavra support group. Chaos ensues.
A Nose that Can See by Colubrina
Hermione Granger has found herself inexplicably tossed back into time to Tom Riddle's Hogwarts. And he's a Veela and, wouldn't you know it, she's his mate. Could life get worse? But he seems to have an endless supply of out-of-season fruit so it can't be all bad, right? Tomione. Major character death, musical theater, and all that fruit. COMPLETE. Hermione Granger has found herself inexplicably tossed back into time to Tom Riddle's Hogwarts. And he's a Veela and, wouldn't you know it, she's his mate. Could life get worse? But he seems to have an endless supply of out-of-season fruit so it can't be all bad, right? Tomione. Major character death, musical theater, and all that fruit. COMPLETE.
Tommy Played Guitar by PacificRimbaud
E | One shot |3k
Tom Riddle takes his coffee black and plays in a rock and roll band.
Playing Cupid by Meowmers
M | Complete | 14k
"I'm beginning to think that I would love to hear you scream." Tomione. Regency AU. Rated-M.
A Four Letter Word by elizabethriddle
E | One shot | 4k
Tom Riddle was not impulsive. He was a planner. He never did anything without carefully considering all possible outcomes and controlling all of the variables. And he never let emotions impact his decisions. He had planned, meticulously, for the post as DADA Professor. How did it all go so wrong?
Sailor Trouble by The-Empress-of-Snark (uleanblue)
Not Rated | Complete | 9k
Hermione Granger attempts to restore the Founder's Relics, with unexpected results.
you did some bad things, but i'm the worst of them by coffeepolariod
E | Complete | 22k
“You want to watch your back, Miss Granger,” Dolohov gestured to Tom with his head. “This man won’t go easy on you, won’t entertain your parlour tricks, and most definitely will not hold back as he tears your confidence down: brick by brick.” or: Hermione Granger needs to win this poker game but Tom Riddle is there at every turn.
Tempora Abducto by Flaignhan (almost anything by this author)
T | Complete | 53k
Inconveniently it's the things that need fixing the most which are often irreparable.
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Word spreads around that the King of the dead is collecting his dues from those that thought they could cheat death. Villains and heroes are in a panic because let's face it. It's so easy nowadays to be resurrected.
Anyone associated with the magic/death magic/knowledge of the dead are being consulted on what to do and how you get out of this mess. Not everyone is rich and some are just barely scrapping by.
Cue to Joker who has an intense fear of the IRS. He may be a cold blooded psychopath but even he knows better to cross the IRS. The only time he's honest is when he's making sure to pay his taxes on time.
Word reaches his ears about the death taxes and how the King of the dead is coming after people and how there's an honest to god IRS setup for the dead. It sends him into a blind panic. He immediately starts planning this big heist to collect enough money to pay off his debut because if he can't go against the normal IRS then how the hell is he going to fight the dead kind?
Word spreads throughout the community that THE Joker payed off his entire debt early and that sends everyone into a panic because that crazy fuck is doing it with no complaints then everyone is screwed and better get with the picture.
DCxDP - Death and Taxes
Broke college student but also the Ghost King Danny looking at the stack of complaint forms in his inbox about people cheating death. In a stroke of sleep deprived inspiration, he issues a royal decree that anyone who has properly died before (I.e biologically dead, not just clinically dead) is still a citizen of the Infinite Realms, even if they were resurrected. And have to pay income tax to the Crown.
He establishes the Infinite Realms Revenue Service, recruits the ghosts of some meticulous accountants and sends them after all the assholes who think they can escape Death and Taxes. Starting with the worst offenders (ie those who have escaped death the longest/most often). Your tax bracket scales with how many times you died.
Just picture Ra's al-Ghul, in the middle of giving some speech to his assassin cult when this Phil Coulson looking ghost dude shows up behind him to "discuss the back taxes he owes to the Crown".
Every magic user worth their salt is suddenly swamped with messages from panicked villains and heroes who are trying to figure out wtf is going on and how to get out of this. Constantine is sweating bullets.
Danny hires Valerie to do mortal side "casework", because a, she's just as saddled with student debt as he is b, has worked fast food and knows how to handle asshole customers c, doesn't take shit from anybody.
Imagine Vandal Savage, Felix Faust and Red Hood awkwardly sitting in a waiting room with a stack of documents each, ready for their number to be called so they can dispute their claims. Being called in and utterly flummoxed at the unflappable, bored young woman at the desk who somehow has files on everything about you - birth record, death record(s), who you killed and when records... now declare your income as a crime lord/dictator/sorcerer, sir.
Meanwhile Danny is planning on how he can allocate the taxes to open a soup kitchen for Lunch Lady to work at and similar shit. He is determined to be a good king, dammit!
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Imagine Miquella the Unalloyed and Miquella the Kind fighting. It starts as an awe-inspiring mages' duel, elaborate formations of light discuses flying in all directions. Then one of them decides to rush into melee range and it devolves into a somewhat embarrassing slap fight.
Leda stands in the background looking on in absolute horror and confusion.
Millicent eventually realizes, with a feeling of muted panic, that none of the other adults are going to intervene. She ends up very gingerly holding them both by the back of their shirts trying to keep them arms-length apart.
#elden ring#crack#shadow of the erdtree#miquella the unalloyed and miquella the kind are two different characters#miquella the unalloyed#miquella the kind#millicent#needle knight leda
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"PAUSES THEN SAYS YOU'RE MY...BESTFRIEND"
#911 sneak peek#911 abc#911 spoilers#911 8x07#eddie diaz#gay eddie diaz#catholic guilt#gay eddie diaz is defrosting#buddie#crack#my bestfriend
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Okay so I did try to do more tiny quark but I have 0 focusing skills so I ended up drawing all of this. 🥸
(Also I don’t know how to draw any of the characters nor do digital art any tips would be helpful) :)
ENJOY 😊
#odo#quark#kira nerys#jadzia dax#ds9#space#art#deep space nine#Star Trek#Star Trek art#doodling#crack#wait that’s a fanfic thing#Odo can’t blush but solid Odo CAN#someone save quark
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@undyingmedium
smoking is bad. unless yuo do it for gay sex reasons. then its good
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Bruce *after a five week-bender of not sleeping*: Dick! Dick!
Dick*who was sleeping*: What?
Bruce *crazed*: I cracked it! I don't have to eat! I can absorb the nano-micro nutrients on the lining of my stomach. Watch!
Bruce: *Groans and sucks at his teeth* Chicken....Beef....Potatoes
Dick: ᴳᵒᵈᵈᵃᵐⁿ ᶦᵗ
#bruce wayne#dick grayson#batman#batfam shenanigans#hiiiii#again#crack#partial credit to enkay for the rp
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youtube
And the vidding continues!
#Hollywood in the background bc I used bits from Old Hollywood in the crack!!#sharpe#video#my edit#enjoy~!#oh and this one has some sad bits- I edited this after watching Clarissa with Sean Bean and was in the midst of despair#ANYWAY#richard sharpe#sean bean#patrick harper#daragh o'malley#hugh fraser#wellington#perioddramaedit#perioddramasource#memes#crack#crackvid#youtube#Youtube
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