#// but lol fear is intense
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*fires a beam that kawaii-fies your horror game*
😘💗
#illustration#csp#digital art#fear and hunger#funger#enki ankarian#enki#ragnvaldr#cahara#d'arce cataliss#d'arce#my art#i love chibi styles so much but theyre so hard to get right lol#i like how these look a lot tho ^-^#god i wish i could make keychains so badly i want them to be reealllll aaaaaaa#also yes they are trans flag colors on purpose ;)#edit: wow this is really intense on my phone for some reason lmao rip
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me every morning: I need to post online today.. i have to post online.. to be a successful artist person one MUST have an "online presence".. i have to be online.. i have to post things to the internet... the internet world, i need to post upon it.. i hafe to post On Line now
me 5 minutes later:
#Why is maintaining any form of account SO hard for me lol.... I simply was not built for this social media landscape..#I think I was meant to be discovered by some rich person who likes to fund The Arts and be commissioned#to paint a 15.000$ wall mural like twice a year and just live off of that quietly to myself lol..#Having to Put Myself Out There and sell sculptures online and all of the things that entails and etc is like... significantly less possible#for my non socially wired brain#Especially once I finish my game.. I'm very worried about how to even 'promote' or 'advertise' such things.#I can barely even remember to make a personal post about my life or cats once a week. the bar is very low. doing any intensive#advertising campaign of some sort is all but impossible I fear ghjbj..
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oh im obsessed with this actually… who ever wrote this one i am kissing u on the forehead and hugging you real tight… inigo is such a loverboy im kkkhhhhhhijnsdnfng
#ann plays awakening#EDITING TO SAY I STARTED TAG VENTING HIT READMORE AT YOUR OWN RISK#anyways#LAST LINE IS A KILLERRRR WOW#‘ann werent you just pairing olivia with thar—‘ OLIVIA IS A BUSY WOMAN OKAY#but also i just had this old save file from when i wanted to see pink inigo and decided to get some more supports#im obsessed actually like#ok tag venting time maybe this should be its own post but u guys know who i am#not only does this support in my very educated opinion do a good job at emulating inigo’s way of speaking#but i think theres also a very underrated characteristic he has that not a lot of people talk about and its that hes honestly quite morbid#him spending hours talking to and dancing with his mother’s grave is very beautiful and moving but it is also not a normal way to grieve#which makes sense because duh nothing about his life is normal but its j like. you know#if robin is his father (and maybe j the normal convo i dont remember) in the hot springs scramble he’ll insist upon bringing—#severed risen limbs home as a way to remember the peacefulness (lol) of the springs#and he thinks absolutely nothing of it!!#i think he gets attached to things just a little too intensely and because his life is surrounded by death how he expresses that can be#very interesting. and he talks about death all time more than the other kids#bc while a lot of their coping mechanisms are based in fear and the need to instill confidence in themselves (think cyn or gerome or owain#or sev or yarne or noire)#and how their SCARED of death and of loss and adapt different behaviors to act like theyre not (to varying degrees of success)#i think inigo is much more accepting of the fact that death follows him and has made it a normal presence in his life#which is not a good thing it means that he hasnt let himself grieve. he lets death hang over him and follow him instead of pushing back#also guess which one of the awakening trio in fates has the canonical story death. just by the way lmao#anyways bc im writing this in the tags on my phone i cant actually see what the hell ive been saying im j stream of consciousnessing this#but my point is that inigo has a weird fixation on death and dying that stems from his inability to make peace with death and grieve#and i think him idolizing death in this support (this BRILLIANT fan support that made me ill) is so in character and so lovely#i miss him so bad (hes literally in the photos im posting) grghhhrgah#i wuv him :(
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RAHHH DO I HAVE THOUGHTS
#idk im a huge overthinker so i have those moments of idk if these count as romantic feelings or not#and i have a tendency to take things really seriously when im into it#in the same way of wanting to do things right and whatnot#i wish i had someone to tell me to think a little less and take it easy when i was really going through it#because i thought about it so hard and worried about it so hard that falling in love was no longer fun for me#it was so stressful to me that it was causing me physical harm lol which is so fucked up that relationship trauma can do that to you#but ig part of it was being an inexperienced queer#the queer experience felt so hard to come by in the first place that i really really wanted to do it right and for it to work out#ig in a sense we're luckier to be in an environment where it's not as bad as like. idk.#like ig it's not to the point of i would date someone just bc it's so rare to run into someone else with the same identity#uh#wait#actually.#huh#hm#well. ok maybe like the majority of. the people i got into a relationship with. was bc they shared the same identity.#and i felt like i wouldn't. be able to be understood by someone who didn't share that identity.#anyway though. anyway.#we're working on not. doing that.#but yeah i forgot my point teehee#yuri rambling#kk rambles#i just yk. keep on having to remind myself that falling in love should be fun and not scary#having a silly little crush should bring me joy and not fear#i should enjoy the feeling of being present and enjoying life and even if im doing it my way and being intense i should have fun with it
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Sometimes I am so close 🤏 to convincing myself I carry around the weathered lonesomeness found only in old vagabond musicians in smoky dismal Parisian cafés. Like the unshakeable curse since birth.
Then I meet up with friends over lunch for longer than 10 min and I realize again I was actually carved from unblighted puppy material and sprinkled rainbow muffins 👋
#My joy is so large lol. It's amazing how happy to a soul's level I actually am. It's immense and therefore priceless#Explored the depths and I do not want to return. Kicking ass at life rn#However in love I feel I should be with someone who is (partially) able to grasp some of these concepts too#To have stood checkmate with yourself to know yourself. To grow yourself - y'know#To find wings in the fall and not to fear the foreign#If (future) my partner does not fear the dark as well as the intensity of what can be light. We'll have a great thing going#I really just want feisty discussions leading to new insights and new angles to look at things. Someone wise. that's important imo
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One better (Patreon)
#Doodles#SCII#Damned#ZEX#Blood#I knew going into this and it was still so distressing :'0#Who needs plot twists when you can create such an intense sense of Dread#Probably doesn't help that I read this At Night In the Dark lol - actual shivers#Gods this was a hard scene to read - there have been several instances of my face hurting from furrowing my brow so hard haha#The way that ''Doctor'' is written is So skillful - I'm so impressed by everyone's prose and quirks and syntax!#Not to mention when he breaks character in a later scene to apologize for taking a bit to move the scene along haha <3 Play!!#It really does speak to just how much skill and effort is put into everything <3 It's so well done all the way around!!#Anyway to the actual scene at hand lol ow :') Drawing blood is always fun but I wish it wasn't his ;u;#Ugh the way he takes the surgeries is so well written - fear of course but a kind of stoic suffering as much as he's able to -#Until it comes to his eye#Ugh the /break/ of it all he goes from so eloquent - almost snarky and silly! Still trying to find an out make peace do /something/#It all goes completely out the window he's so /reduced/ and nothing hurts worse than that ughughugh#For all his intelligence and wit and prior successes and charm and just - everything that makes him /him/ to be dissolved into abject fear#It's so sad ;; And so well done <3#And he still holds enough of himself to know what he'd be losing wegh it's so sad!! He's so defined by his vision as most VUX are it's fjdsl#Zelnick is already gone by this point but I wanted to throw him in for extra sad flavour :')#Plus - I've mentioned his post-Op was one of the ones from the gallery that Actively kills me every time I look at it#Can you imagine my heartbreak to find out that he didn't have his Captain to comfort him after this in actuality? That he was fully alone?#''Are we home? Is it over?'' ''N...not yet'' - The Absolute Devastation of realizing that Never Was not really#Just tear my heart out why don't you ugh I'm fully bleeding out 💔#That last one is actually meant to be Max but it's open to interpretation :)#I think it's such a waste that his eye was just disposed of! Someone else could've used that (lol)#I do think there's something to the idea of seeing what used to be a part of your body elsewhere - like the Leftovers!#Even just keeping as a memento tho - a trophy - insult to injury but literally#Just points to no one being special and nothing being sacred I suppose
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omg i booked driving lessons im going to be sick!!!!
#lmao i never got my full license my parents kinda idk were horrible when it came to addressing this so at 33 im going to do it myself#having license will open up opporutinites but like LOL shit's expensive#i should have done it earlier but i have intense fear of failure because i learn things slower than others#just doing my learners was hell it took me like 2 months of doing practice exams every day to remember content in the test
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still thinking about ... yuugi navel piercing ... 👁️
#「 光 : ✨ 𝐆𝐀𝐋𝐋𝐄𝐑𝐘 › aesthetics . 」#this is basically canon to me now i fear#post dsod only but like ... look at the material#the star tattoos are sick too and i have thought about him potentially getting tattoos but idk#if he would actually do it or not like part of me loves the idea of him being alt without tats#but another part of me thinks he would at least get something for atem#something easily hideable lol because we know how jp people can be about tattoos esp in the 90s/early 2000s#body image //#sometimes people need this tagged and sometimes they don't so idk vhjffdjhbfjh i'm just playing it safe#anyway u know he cried when he got the piercing done#boy has saved the world multiple times and almost got his soul yeeted in shadow games but a navel piercing is too much for him#like he didn't cry with his ear piercings at all but the navel is more intense lol i don't have one but i've heard it feels super uncomfy 😭
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Absolutely nothing like freaking out when the tornado sirens go off in my town and then remembering that it's the first Wednesday of the month...
#this happens every month#why do I get so surprised by them still lol#i think it's my intense fear of tornados#they're so scary#tornados#tornado sirens#midwest
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thinking about the monster boyz AU & how kel never gets to be truly happy in it...
#& having the audacity to feel heartbroken about it as if i’m not the one who wrote it#like. ok. kel has a pretty shit life in every universe but#the silver lining is that he eventually gets to break free & be himself & have the life he wants#but in mbz he spends his entire childhood in survival mode#he gets like. 1 year maybe 2 where he gets out from under his dad’s thumb but#he spends that time unpacking his trauma & unlearning negative coping mechanisms & fear responses#& figuring out who he is & what he wants#& before he can make any real progress the fuckin apocalypse happens! & he’s right back to survival mode#then he DIES & becomes red which comes with a whole other set of problems#like he meets teeth who in theory is the love of his life#but they’re both too messed up to do it right & the relationship is so intense#& so unhealthy & not at all how love is supposed to be#& then eventually he dies again for real this time#like. man. i’m sorry kel lol#on the bright side. i do have the apocalypseAU which is the mbzAU but the boys do not become monsters#instead they meet as humans and survive the apocalypse together. it’s a much happier version of the story lol#rainyrambles
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i understand that the experience of feeling like a prey animal is very common on this website but i just am not very sure what you all mean. you're an apex predator? your body is a weapon. you can kill the vast majority of living creatures with you bare hands. what are you afraid of? i hope one day you realize how easy it is to make people blush
#i assume most of the fear revolves around “what if they get mad at me” or ultimately “what if they reject me” but the intensity of this fear#is broadly - i can't help but think - dependent on placing other people's judgement over your own. it also seems to be dependent on#having a skewed understanding of what is appropriate behavior. especially in terms of what is appropriately proportionate to a given#situation.#if you say “that actually hurt my feelings” and are met with blame or aggression.... you are seeing a red flag. instead of believing this#person is somehow right#the thing to do in this kind of situation is to think of what - objectively - would be a normal reaction. if you are having trouble parsing#what that might be#try outsourcing it from a level-headed friend. you can tell how level headed someone is by the lack of drama in their life.#this is all to say... i hope everyone who feels like prey on this website is able to learn how to see harmful behavior and think#“okay... anyway”#and move on. you don't need to blow up. you don't even need to bite back. you don't need to get revenge. genuinely the best response to#harmful behavior is all too often just kind of going “uhh. what the fuck lol. anyway...” and moving on.#also you CAN turn someone into a flustered blushing mess with a well placed laugh. that's part of the lesson. you'll understand one day
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Sometimes working through religious trauma is a heartfelt hour talking about reclaiming your bodily autonomy after being sexualized and shamed from a young age with your religious trauma coach and other times it's this text message from your therapist then a caption suggestion to "show my tumblr friends":
#for context my therapist is jewish#and he likes to point how Jesus was too but JC's whole story is only really told from a christian perspective#basically saying I don't have to conform or suffer for someone else's narrative#and y'all already know 'gayboy' is my favorite thing to call Jesus 'gayboy' Christ#so naturally he combined the two#But I had a great conversation about childhood neglect with my religious trauma coach today#And how overcontrolled my body was as a whole#from my hair to my health#everything was a sign of my sin somehow#even when I first got acne I had an intense fear that people would think I was having sex or dirty somehow#because my family constantly pointed out my acne#and my church at the time's girls' group taught us girls that had oral sex had acne around their lips#My medical needs were neglected#my autism was ignored or punished#etc etc#and this conversation was right after the texts from my therapist#I mean literally mins before#my car broke down so uh that's fun#and I had to switch from an in person to virtual appointment with my therapist for tomorrow#and he was like 'uh no this actually a punishment from The Lord. jk lol yeah I'll send you the telehealth link now'#and I was like 'I called Jesus 'gayboy' too many times and now I'm in Hell (my schools' shuttle system 🤢)'#[he graduated from the school i'm currently in undergrad for so hes seen the decline in our shuttle system's quality.#Ive been left for using a walker and told 'glad Im not as bad as you yet' when in a wheelchair]#and that lead to this message as well as the caption he wanted in quotes under it and ^ for tumblr#he calls yall 'my little tumblr friends'#hes so Offline I love this man#I told him tumblr will love it so yall better not make me a liar /j#this was so much information I hope y'all enjoy my lil journal entry for the day <333#ex christian#religious trauma
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hello! i saw your tags on /post/730907115184586753 and i would love if you could talk a bit about your thoughts on why the "applications for sainthood" line applies to dean because it's one of those few lines i've never really understood 🥲 very interested in what you think about it!
Omg my first ask! Hiiiiiii!
Okay so the line said by Leviathan!Dean is, "And he doesn't have relationships. No, he has applications for sainthood."
I feel like this describes Dean's self-sacrifice for the people he cares about. For example, he spent his childhood and early adulthood being John's main emotional support and taking care of him and Sam. He has wants and dreams but he basically gave them up for his family. Heck, he sold his soul for Sam!
I think there's also a factor that Dean tends to the one making the most effort in his relationships, and when others don't treat him right he still stays loyal and devoted. I'm not saying that Dean is so mistreated or that nobody loves him because that obviously isn't true, but I do think that he often ends up in the emotional crutch role in his relationships just because that's what he's used to because of John. John admits that Dean took care of him and comforted him, but he couldn't even pick up the phone when Dean was dying. And there's just kind of a trend where people expect care and loyalty and trust from him, but fail to return it (for instance Bobby's "boohoo princess" speech, all of Cas' late s6 behavior, Sam's s4 behavior, etc).
Basically, Dean often has push aside his own emotions and hurt to take care of those around him which is something that I'm sure a Leviathan would pick up on and mockingly refer to as "saintly."
Or you know, it's just a commentary on his relationship with Lisa and other women and I'm thinking about this wayyyyyy too much lol
#i don't think that this is always true in his relationships (i don't really think this is the case with sam most of the time for ex)#but there is a running theme of dean feeling like his intense sense of familial duty isn't really returned#and while that's not completely accurate it's easy to look at stuff people have done and think that his fears don't come from nowhere#anyway sorry this took a bit i just had to think of a way to phrase this that didn't make me sound like a bitter deangirl who's listing#everyone's transgressions bc i genuinely don't have that mindset but translating thoughts into writing is really hard lol#my asks#dean and familiy#dean and john#of course it could also just be a joke about him being annoying or maybe even his relationship with lisa and i'm just thinking about#it too much lol
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so i'm contemplating a fun example of anxiety runaround i give myself (particularly when unmedicated): document signatures
i have to do a lot of paperwork and don't always find getting to a printer doable. to that end, i'm reasonably sure nobody would care if i signed my docs digitally via tablet pen in an art program, but bc they always request for me to print, sign, and scan...
i still sign it in an art program lol, but make it look identical to ballpoint pen using my colorpicked palette for scanned ballpoint pen ink and a couple of textured brushes
then i slightly alter the image angle and offset from the original, add noise, save as a slightly crunchy jpg in a stupid resolution like a scanner would output, and then purge all the metadata just in case
sample of just the writing since i'm not gonna show y'all my docs:
it's not forgery or anything bc i AM signing it. it's my signature on my documents. there is no reason this should matter. but my brain is convinced that if i don't do it this way then i'll be In Trouble
#stirring up trouble#the example was a lazier than usual version too; i'm usually even more intense about making it look Really Scanned. aaaaaaaaaaa#but yeah without meds i live in constant (irrational) fear i'll be found out and all my paperwork won't count anymore lol#one of those moments that really makes me go 'oh ok i definitely do have a disorder.'
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I’m going to roll a Druid that’s been raised by wolves. She knows nothing. Who is Baldur and why are people obsessed with his gate? Shadowheart is a cleric of Shar, should she be upset about that, who is Shar? What do you mean a city got dragged into the hells?
#I really want to have her a ranger too so she can have her wolf family with her lol#shadowheart who has a intense fear of wolves: can you please fucking not#Tav: walking on two legs is weird :(
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catching up on fantasy high junior year and Oh Boy Lads, Riz Is Going To Continue To Hit Close To Home For Several Reasons Huh
#the conversation with his mom where she's just like. SO gently explaining that their financial situation is worse than ever#and that even with all the pressure he puts on himself and his perfect grades and Singleminded Focus(tm) it STILL might not be enough#to go to college/etc because he's going to be relying on scholarships to go.....#MAN.#the difference is that his mom sits him down and talks to him about it gently#and mine made me feel like an idiot for wanting more for myself. lol.#also last season not only confirming him as an aroace character but like. actually EXPLORING that and exploring his fears#that his friends are eventually going to leave him. :(#and just. idk man his whole deal being that hes kind of a Socially Awkward Loser who puts an intense amt of pressure on himself#to achieve academically and be Smart and Useful and make sure everyone Needs Him Around because he's so afraid no one Wants him around :(#AUGH. kin
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