#/ basically she still in the mindset
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Hm... I'm feeling benevolent...
#every time i use the word 'benevolent' i remember that guy who called me 'sensei'???#because he asked me for a crit and i was basically like 'i really dont like your comic' but obviously constructively#and then he kept messaging me asking for more critique and i had to tell him to stop#and then he made a video review of my last comic and the whole review was like#'yeah so i havent really read this comic. looks pretty sick though. i basically harassed her and she had to say to stop lol'#anyways. that was weird. he used the word benevolent a lot so i always think of him. sending good vibes hope hes still making comics#oh yeah also this is kind of spoilers but not really#sorta like afterword stuff#gotta sketch gotta get into the mindset...#im not sure if that counts as spoilers at all lmfao its just minor design changes#anyways.#time and time again#spoilers#what the hell i typed 'spoilers' and '911 spoilers' was the first option??????#uh#adam and steve#ttawebcomic#sketches#sketch dump#these used to be patreon posts but its been like 5 months so. theyre free noe#the word 'benevolent' is literally an inside joke with myself now LOL
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seeing the shift of women's fitness culture go from weightlifting to being a "pilates princess"...burn it all
#tj talks#'lean muscle vs bulky muscle' oh go fuck yourself do you know how goddamn hard it is to get bulky?? to build heavy muscle??#it takes genuine years of dedicate work and nutrition to become 'bulky' but for some reason were still perpetuating the myth#that if a woman even LOOKS at a dumbell she turns into ronny coleman. stop this blasphemy#doing light weight training isnt going to make you bulky i promise.#also nothing wrong with pilates! i think its a good workout for core and rehabilitation for previously injured muscles!#but i think the mindset of associating it entirely with femininity and stregnthening the beleif that basic weight training is making women-#get bulky within two months is utter horseshit and just another way were see the fads surrounding womens body types shift#i could do a fucking essay on this shit#actually. i might
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i love my new therapist so much cause she’s the first person i’ve ever met who takes me seriously when i talk about suicide even though i don’t have a concrete plan and haven’t actually made any attempts yet
#with everyone else it’s like. hey i feel violently suicidal i started s*lf h*rming again and i feel so miserable im in physical pain#‘oh cool. well have you attempted suicide in the past?’#no. ‘well do you even have a plan for what you’d do?’#also no.#’okay well i don’t really care. have some more prescription medication that you continually threaten to od on’#’btw have you tried just not being depressed? maybe give that a shot. okay that will be one billion dollars see you next month’#but emily (that’s my new therapists name) actually listens to me#and acknowledges how scary and concerning being in my mindset is#and she walks me through what my options are for when it gets really bad#and i like that when i go quiet cause i don’t know what to say she doesn’t get frustrated with me for wasting time and she doesn’t#put words in my mouth and decide what i’m feeling for me#she asks what im thinking and gives me the space to process what i am thinking and if i can’t talk about it she tries to walk me through#the thought process and doesn’t push me. if i don’t wanna talk i don’t have to#basically. i like her a lot so far. and i still feel bad a lot#but having someone finally actually listen and take me seriously makes me feel a little better#she doesn’t just repeat ‘oh it’ll get better you’ll be fine’#she’s willing to stay in the present with me and figure out how i’m going to get through the next week instead of making me figure out my#whole life right now#sigh#snow.txt
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"i just dont understand how a sane person could think of this" in response to a perfectly cute little piece based on a silly little image. i am attacking people with hammers
#shit like that sorta hits close to home i literally got called mentally unwell for similar stuff like having anthro cat ocs#bc ''if you were normal you wouldn't think of that stuff you'd think of normal kid stuff''#its soul sucking. i know thats a lot but its genuinely crushing.#its such an anti art attitude. only ever create things that are comfortable to the masses and fit within every single norm#never think outside of the box. even for silly things like a dog ponyo reference. thats Too Much. kill it. no human could do it.#it reminds me of when my aunt sought out my fanfic . net profile when i was in middle school with my pokemon and wc fics#and she made sure to loudly make fun of it at a party and talk about how it ''made her want to vomit'' bc it was so weird#and i needed to be checked out bc no normal kid would act like me. and that indirectly led to me deleting the entire account#bc i felt like a genuine fucking freak. it made me feel so insecure abt my art it made me so anxious to create#to this day i struggle with posting my writing specifically beyond stray ideas bc im worried itll pick up and people will say im a freak#and basically prove them all right#its a mindset im still trying to break down and its something my moms at least apologized for and im STILL affected by it so deeply#so it pisses me off so bad to see it repeated online even as a joke. especially when its used to harass people.#i feel like i need to tone myself down and make palatable art. but to some people that means the tamest shit ever like no anthro dogs#the only art allowed to exist to these people are those fucking eye doodles you make in math class and even thats a stretch
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i don't think my irl bestie understood how much anxiety i have about basic tasks until i told her that my mom saw me wash my bed sheets and said i was doing things wrong.
#mads makes a text post#i have my own little ritual with the washing machine dials#but my mom interprets that as me not knowing how to work it#that's just one thing#but holy christ i literally have low confidence in most things i do - especially when she's around#like i know how to do things efficiently but she critiques me so much#especially if it's not done the ''right'' way#anyway i'm really unlearning that mindset as much as i can bc it's so unhealthy#but it's so hard when i still live with her#it's so frustrating#tldr: mads can do basic things but her confidence gets shot if her mom is around#lol just remembered that i told irl bestie that cooking has gotten easier but i can't do it around my mom for...obvious reasons
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(sjsjssjjjsnsjs princess tonitoni au post isn't out yet but I Have to comment on how this v indulgent side verse is so very interesting to me !!
bc currently, it's the closest we're getting to a tonitoni that was allowed to properly recover from her traumatic abyss experiences - or rather, she manages to live a comfortable life away from danger and trouble, as opposed to her primary harbingy au that's basically just a conga line of unfortunate happenings ww)
#ooc | (written and loved and forgotten);#(i shall make a proper long post on it later when the verse post actually. well. posts)#(but basically princess tonitoni is like. an inbetween of normal happy civilian canon tonia and troublesome angsty harbingy au toni)#(still v much an au version with angsty background - but she attained a semblance of a nornal happy life so shes closer to canon)#(so her personality and mindset is also different...... weehhhhh princess toni.....!!!)
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this fuckin lady again………
#shes fuckin back and causing me so much anxiety i can’t see straight#she’s obsessed w me at this point#making a whole short film on my traumatic life basically deadnaming me and misgendering me#saying all this shit abt baby 18 19 20 year old me abt them not getting therapy help but FUCK#she thinks she understands trauma so much but she’s got ptsd whereas i have c-ptsd from multiple different instances n times so everything#she’s saying and was trying to get them to do literally wasn’t possible bc they were still in that survival mode state#it wasn’t until like. this year that i felt i could start therapy again for it to actually work#ugggh shes so stressful#she’s got the mindset that im allistic bc she doesn’t know anything abt asd and it’s. infuriating#m.talks
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can we see rafe with a pouge reader and they are dating. they go out to go grocery shopping and rafe sees that she has a calculator out and watches as she picks up an item then types it in the calculator and then puts it back and chooses a cheaper option and he has to tell her that she doesn’t need to do that
birds of a feather - rafe cameron
word count: 2.9k belongs to this universe
The grocery store is quiet for a saturday afternoon, a rarity that makes the experience almost peaceful. Fluorescent lights buzz softly overhead as Rafe pushes a cart lazily with one hand, his other hand draped comfortably around his girl, you.
He catches your eye and smiles, relishing the way you always lean into him, your bodies fitting together perfectly. Dating you was like finding the missing piece of himself—something he always knew he needed but never thought he’d find, let alone on the other side of the island.
Rafe grabs a box of cereal, tossing it into the cart without a second thought. “You good on milk, babe?” he asks, scanning the shelves for anything else that might catch his eye.
You nodded absentmindedly, focusing elsewhere. He notices that you are holding your phone in one hand and have a small calculator app open. His brow furrows as he watches you pick up a box of pasta, glance at the price, and then quickly type something into the calculator. After a moment of calculation, you place the box back on the shelf and reach for a cheaper brand.
Rafe's heart clenches. He hadn’t really thought about the differences between you in this way before. He knows you don't have the same privileges he does—didn’t grow up in a life of luxury as he had—but it’s moments like this that make him feel like a fucking entitled douche.
He watches you do it again, this time with a jar of tomato sauce. You compare the prices, calculate the difference, and opt for the less expensive one.
“Hey,” Rafe stops you as you reach for another item. “What’re you doing?”
You blink, as if coming out of a trance, and look up at him with almost embarrassed smile. “Just trying to make sure I stay within the budget. Groceries can add up, y’know?”
He can’t stand the idea of you worrying about something as basic as food. Sure, he understands budgeting—everyone has to do it to some extent—but this? This was different. This was a mindset.
He gently takes the phone from your hand and slips it into his back pocket, keeping your hand in his. “You don’t need to do that. I’ve got you, okay?”
“Rafe, I—”
“I’m serious,” he interrupted, “You don’t have to worry about the prices. Just get what you want. We’re fine.”
You are grateful—God, you were always grateful—but there’s something else, something that has kept you up at night.
You hate relying on him. Not because you don’t trust him or appreciate everything he does for you, but because it reminds you of the whispers you’ve been hearing ever since you started dating.
You can almost hear the voices now, like a nagging reminder in the back of your mind. “Gold digger,” they’d hiss. “Dirty Pogue. Look at her, clinging to him for the money. She’s got him wrapped around her finger, totally pussy-whipped.”
The rumors had messed with your head the first time you’d heard them, and even now, they still hurt, despite knowing they weren’t true. But the worst part is that a small, insecure part of you hates there might be some truth to what they said. You didn’t want Rafe to feel like he had to take care of you, or that you were using him for his money. You love him too much to ever want him to think that.
You glance at him, watching as he casually tosses another item into the cart without checking the price, without even a second thought. He’s so at ease, so unbothered by the things that you had worried about during your entire lifetime. You can’t help but feel guilty, like you’re dragging him down, making him take on responsibilities that should be yours alone.
A you walk down another aisle, you keep your eyes on the floor, as you force the words out. “I know you’re just trying to help, and I really appreciate it, but I don’t want you to feel like you have to take care of me.”
Rafe stops in his tracks, turning to face you fully. His brows knit together in concern like he genuinely can't grasp what you just said.
“I don’t feel like that,” he says,“I want to take care of you because I love you. It’s not about feeling like I have to—it’s because I want to.”
“But I hear what people say, Rafe—”
“They don’t know shit,” he scoffs, hand wrapping tightly around the cart, “They don’t know. Anyone who says otherwise can go fuck themselves.”
You sigh, your shoulders slumping as you lean into him, “It’s not that simple, baby. But I appreciate the thought.”
His other hand tilts your chin up so you’re looking directly at him, “It is that simple. I love you. You love me. That’s it.”
You know he means it, that he’s not just saying it to please you, but it doesn’t make the worries disappear. You nod, giving him a small smile, but he knows your brain is working double shifts, imagining all kinds of scenarios.
He sighs, knowing this conversation is far from over, and presses a gentle peck against your temple, all while murmuring, “Let’s finish up here and get out of this place.”
You agree, and the two of you continue down the aisle. Your hands are itching to take your phone out of his back pocket, and your brain scrambling to do simple math. You hate it. You automatically reach for the off-brand items, skip over the more expensive snacks, and choose the smaller sizes of products to stretch your budget. Rafe is abnormally quiet and you know it’s taking every will power in his body not to pick you up and lock you in his truck while he finishes shopping for you.
He pauses in front of the snacks aisle, his eyes catching on your favorite candy. It’s something he knows you love but rarely allow yourself to buy. Without hesitation, he grabs a couple of bags and tosses them into the cart.
“Rafe, those are expensive—” you start to protest, but he cuts you off with a playful grin.
“They’re my favorite too.”
You open your mouth to argue, but the way he looks at you, with so much affection, makes the words die on your lips. Instead, you shake your head huffing as he wraps his arm around your shoulders dragging you along, “You’re so annoying.”
“Don’t be mean, baby.”
You squeeze his waist in retaliation.
When you finally reach the checkout line, he watches as you nervously glance at the total on the screen. It’s a small thing, for him, but it’s enough to make him realize just how much it affects you. Without saying a word, he hands over his card to the cashier, ignoring the way you try to protest.
“Rafe, you don’t have to—” you start, but he shakes his head, cutting you off.
“I know,” he says firmly, “But I want to.”
You bite your lip, nodding reluctantly as he pays for the groceries. It’s a small gesture, but it means the world to him. He wants to take care of you, to make sure you never have to worry about something as basic as food ever again. He wants to give you the life you deserve, the one you never experienced on The Cut.
He opens the trunk of his car, starting to load the groceries while you stand there, too quiet. He hates not hearing the sound of your voice.
“Hey,” he closes the trunk and turning to face you. “What is it?”
“Nothing.”
He steps closer, his hand finding a home in your neck, thumb caressing your pulsing point, “Forget about them okay?”
You sigh, forehead touching his chin, “I’m trying. I just don’t want to be a burden to you. I don’t want you to feel like you have to take care of me.”
“You’re not a burden,” he says firmly, fingers pulling your head up, his blue eyes locking onto yours with an intensity that, no matter how often it happens, still takes your breath away. “You’re the best thing that’s ever happened to me. Now get that fine ass inside the car.”
You can’t help but laugh at the way he says it, so casually and with so much conviction that it leaves no room for you to second guess his thoughts. His confidence, his overwhelming trust in everything that he says, is one of the things you love most about him. He’s always been like that—bold, sure of himself, and unafraid to go after what he wants. And right now, what he wants is you.
“Why?” You tease, rolling your eyes but smiling as you let him guide you toward the car “You gonna make me if I don’t?”
You wish you could photograph the grin on his face, the way his beautiful eyes seem to drink you in like he’ll die if he doesn’t look at you all the time.
“Oh, you know I will,” he says as he steps closer, his hand slipping down to give your ass a firm but playful slap. The sound echoes through the quiet parking lot, and you gasp, more from surprise than anything else.
“Rafe!” you scold, though your laughter makes it known there’s no real annoyance. The smirk on his face only grows, clearly pleased with himself.
“Consider that a warning,” he leans in closer, his breath warm against your ear. “I’d hate to have to follow through.”
You try to hold back a grin, biting your lip as you tilt your head to look up at him.
“You wouldn’t dare.”
“Wouldn’t I?” His tone is a challenge.
For a moment, you consider pushing more just to see what he’d do, but the way he’s looking at you—like he’s ready to scoop you up and take you back to his bed right then and there—makes you rethink it. Instead, you play along, giving him a coy smile as you turn and head for the door.
“That’s what I thought,” he calls after you, his deep voice filled with a smug satisfaction that makes you roll your eyes again. Before you can reach for the door handle, he gently pulls it open for you. You slide into the passenger seat, and before you touch the seatbelt, Rafe is leaning in, his hands brushing over yours as he clicks the belt into place.
“Safe and sound,” he murmurs, as he pulls back slightly. It’s something so simple, yet so endearing he has insisted on doing ever since the two of you started dating.
You smile up at him, practically oozing in your love for him as your hand reaches up to brush a stray lock of hair from his forehead.
“Thank you."
His gaze softens as he leans down to press a tender kiss to your lips, “Anything for you,” he whispers, his thumb brushing lightly across your cheek before he finally steps back and closes the door.
As he rounds the front of the car to get in on his side, you can’t help but watch him. It still blows your mind that this is real. The way he looks at you, the way he takes care of you without making you feel small—it’s everything you never knew you needed. You’re still not used to someone loving you like this, so openly. You never imagined Rafe Cameron would be that someone.
He starts the engine, the low hum filling the silence between you. The radio automatically tunes to a soft indie station, one of your favorites, and Rafe reaches over to lace his fingers with yours.
“I’m cooking tonight.”
You turn to him, even though you know his attention is on the road, “Really?”
Rafe’s thumb absentmindedly rubs circles on the back of your hand, “Hmmm.”
“So you can burn down the kitchen again?”
“Baby, that was one time.”
You snort, the image of Rafe with a fire extinguisher still fresh in your memory, “What’s on the menu?”
He grins, “I was thinking we could make that pasta you like, with the garlic bread.”
Your heart swells a little at the thoughtfulness behind his choice. He remembers all the little things—your favorite foods, the way you like your coffee, the songs that make you smile.
“Are you trying to get laid?”
He laughs, loud and boisterous as he lifts your hand to his lips and presses a soft kiss to your knuckles, “So you don’t want desert?”
You hit his shoulder gently, all too aware you’re still in a moving vehicle, “Don’t be nasty.”
His touch moves to your thighs, squeezing gently, "Can't help it when I'm around you."
The smile tugging at your lips is impossible to hide. There's something so easy about being with Rafe, despite everything. Despite the whispers, the looks, the insecurities that sometimes creep in—he has a way of making you feel like none of it matters.
The city lights begin to twinkle on the horizon, the sun dipping low in the sky. It's peaceful, the kind of quiet that lets you sink into yourself. The idea of a cozy night in, just the two of you cooking dinner together, fills you with a warmth that has nothing to do with the summer heat outside.
Rafe glances over at you, a soft smile playing on his lips. "Penny for your thoughts?"
You shake your head, the smile widening on your face. "Just thinking about how lucky I am."
He quirks an eyebrow, "I think I'm the lucky one."
"Yeah, but you're also really annoying," you tease, earning a chuckle from him.
"Annoying but irresistible," he counters smoothly, pulling into the driveway of his house
He parks the car and quickly rounds the front to open your door, always the gentleman. As you step out, you look up at him, your heart swelling with a love so deep it almost overwhelms you. It's not just the grand gestures or the way he spoils you—it's the little things, the way he makes you feel cherished, the way he sees you for who you are and loves you anyway.
"Ready for our gourmet meal?" he asks as he takes your hand, leading you towards the front door.
You laugh, leaning into him as you walk. "If by gourmet you mean slightly burnt, then yes."
He chuckles, his arm slipping around your waist as he presses a kiss to the top of your head. "With you, it's always perfect."
Before you can walk through the front door, he stops all too suddenly, dragging you against him. You’re confused for a second, looking up to see him ogle you.
“What?” You stutter out, “Something’s wrong?”
Rafe shakes his head, a smile tugging at the corners of his pink lips as he looks down at you with that same adoring expression that never fails to make your heart stop. "No, nothing’s wrong.”
You blink up at him, still confused, “Rafe...”
“I know you worry sometimes. About what people say, about what they think. But I don’t give a fuck about any of that. I only care about you, about us.” His hand moves to cup your face, his thumb moving gently along your cheekbone. “I love you, y’know that? Right? Aways.”
Your breath hitches at the sudden emotion in his voice. It’s random moments like this that remind you why you fell in love with him in the first place—beneath the confident, cocky exterior, Rafe Cameron has a heart that beats fiercely for the people he cares about, especially for you.
“I love you,” you whisper, feeling the words settle between you like a vow.
“I love you more,” he replies, his voice full of conviction. Then, with a small grin, he adds, “And I’m gonna marry you someday. We’re gonna have our own place, our own life. Just you and me.”
It’s not the first time you’ve talked about the future, but hearing him say it so plainly, so confidently, sends a warmth spreading through your whole body.
“Is that a proposal, Cameron?” you tease, though your voice wavers just a little, eyes burning as you pathetically attempt not to cry.
“Not yet,” he smirks, leaning down to press a peck to the corner of your lips, “But when I do, you’ll know. It’s gonna be perfect. Just like you.”
You pull back slightly, resting your forehead against his as you take a deep breath, trying to calm the stupid fluttering in your chest. “You mean it?”
“More than anything,” he replies without hesitation. “I want to build a life with you, baby. The kind of life where you never have to worry about anything, where you can just be happy.”
Tears form at the corners of your eyes, but they’re the good kind, the kind that comes from being overwhelmed with love. So different from the ones you’d experienced as a kid, growing up. You nod, not sure how to explain how you’re feeling inside, so instead, you pull him down for another kiss, letting your lips show what your voice can’t.
You kiss each other like you have all the time in the world, which you have, savoring the way your lips fit perfectly against his. There’s no rush, no urgency—just you two.
When you pull apart, both of you slightly breathless, Rafe gives you a lopsided grin, his lips just barely grazing yours as he speaks, “So, how about we start with dinner?”
#rafe cameron#requested#rafe cameron x reader#rafe cameron x you#rafe x reader#rafe x pogue!reader#rafe cameron x pogue!reader#rafe fluff#rafe cameron fluff#rafe cameron fanfiction#rafe cameron one shot#rafe one shot#rafe fic#rafe#rafe outer banks#outerbanks rafe#rafe obx#rafe cameron au
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So many thoughts on the fabulous Barbie film, but especially on how anyone who thinks it’s “hateful towards men” clearly isn’t getting the message.
SPOILERS UNDER THE CUT
[Credit for both gifs goes to their makers!!]
I mean... Ken’s arc is secondary to Barbie’s, and rightly so. This is her film, and her message deserves to be the main takeaway.
That being said, I just find it really sad that the people who could’ve definitely used the point of Ken’s arc just let it go right over their heads. Maybe it’s because they aren’t great at reading subtext, or because they just balk at anything presented as feminist, I don’t know.
Because to me, Ken’s arc is about as far from “hateful towards men” as you can get. It’s a multi-layered depiction of how restrictive, outdated views of masculinity can hold men back and make them susceptible to harmful ideologies that promise easy solutions for all their problems but only make those problems worse and hurt others around them.
The first layer is an allegory for real men don’t show their feelings. In the movie, this is represented by Ken’s need to look tough and cool all the time, and to keep his insecurities and sadness bottled up. Barbieland is a utopia where being happy is a social norm, and the main Barbie also starts to struggle with that. The difference is that she eventually tells her friends, and they all support her. Ken just puts pressure on himself not to look weak - in front of Barbie, or in front of the other Kens.
Which brings us to the second level: a competitive and inherently hostile view of the other Kens, aka. toxic male relationships. Some of them are friends, and all of them work together for a while to build the Patriarchy, but they don’t actually bond for real. Even their boys’ nights are mainly about getting back at the Barbies for all their girls’ nights (which really were about bonding). When push comes to shove, the Kens still see each other as competition, which is one of the reasons why the Barbies are able to play them against each other.
Another reason is the third layer: the idea that Ken only has value if Barbie loves and admires him. It starts out as unrequited love that makes you feel sorry for him...until he turns bitter. He basically starts on the path that could lead him down the incel/mra rabbit hole and into a mindset where Barbie owes him love and admiration and the relationship he wants in exchange for his devotion to her. He decides that everything would be better if Barbies were subservient to Kens, but of course that’s not true. None of the Barbies’ newfound admiration for their Kens is real, and his own Barbie still rejects him.
All this is of course underpinned by the final layer, which is Ken’s lack of self-respect and sense of purpose. He’s got a pointless job, he’s not particularly qualified for anything, and he just feels kind of lost in Barbieland - a society run by successful Barbies who are living up to their full potential. That’s why he gets so caught up in the idea of the Patriarchy, which is supposed to make him successful, get others to respect him, and give him a sense of purpose. (This can be generalised to all kinds of harmful ideologies in the real world, e.g. the alt-right movement.)
However, the success he achieves is superficial and not based on any real passion; he even admits that he wasn’t happy in his new position and already lost interest in the ideology. The (forced) respect of others does feel good for a while, but it only goes so far. At heart, the whole thing is still mostly about his feelings of inferiority and unrequited love for Barbie, and instituting this harmful new system did not resolve those for him.
So what does? In essence, breaking out of all these harmful patterns and internalising the idea that he is enough.
He ends up reflecting on his feelings, finally puts them to words (or rather, song and dance), and manages to connect with the other Kens through those feelings. He even cries in relief and acknowledges that it doesn’t make him weak. He and Barbie finally have a proper talk, he lets go of their (non-)relationship, and he listens when she says he needs to figure out his real self. He starts to see himself not through his job, his girlfriend, or even his competition with the other Kens, but as just Ken, who is enough.
I honestly can’t think of a less hateful message to send men and boys.
#barbie spoilers#barbie movie spoilers#barbie 2023 spoilers#barbie movie#barbie 2023#barbie meta#greta gerwig#barbie#ken#and of course the perfect ken#ryan gosling#he is kenough
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can u do one with matt or chris and basically the reader is sleeping over and she gets her period on the sheets and she tried to hide it but fails miserably and he ends up helping her
Crimson Sweats
Pairing: Chris Sturniolo x Fem!Reader
Contains: Blood/Suggestiveness/No use of Y/N
You wake up, cramps in your stomach, your blanket covering half of a single leg, in a room that’s too bright. You reach for your phone to check the time: 8 a.m. You groan, realizing you only ever wake up this early if you're sick - or on your period.
The cramps in your abdomen are the first dead giveaway, the second being the notification that pops up on your screen, your health application blaring that you’ll be ‘starting your period soon.’
You sigh, pinching your eyes shut, wanting to go back to sleep until you realize you're on your period. In Chris’ bed. Not wearing a pad.
You immediately shoot up, tugging at your shorts. Your bottoms are littered with blood, some spots in the front and heavy damage in the back; you don't want to think to imagine the horrors in your underwear. Next, you look at the bedsheet, pulling the throw blanket off the white sheets painstakingly slow.
A vibrant blood stain is smeared where you were sleeping. You gasp softly, pulling your hands to your head in embarrassment. You blink looking at the stain, tired, trying to figure out what to do.
Chris is going to wake up, see the stain, and think you're disgusting.
You bite your nails anxiously. You can’t change the sheets without Chris noticing; hell, you don't even know where he keeps his spare sheets. You exhale deeply, successfully removing all the air from your lungs, tugging at your brain for a solution.
You pace the room several times before giving up. You can’t carry Chris; Nick would be pissed if you woke him up, and you're still covered in blood. You sigh for the nth time, grabbing a towel from the bathroom’s door hook and surrendering to a shower.
You switch the water on, turning the knob slowly as if that’ll make the noise less likely to wake Chris up. You strip your clothes, peeling off your shorts and panties, making a mental note to pick up some good quality stain remover on your way home. You step into the shower, letting the warm water whisk away the stickiness of crimson red between your thighs.
You stay in the stream for far too long, the mindset being: out of sight, out of mind. Knowing Chris won't wake up for at least two hours you’ll have time to think of a better solution once you're cleaned up.
You step out of the shower and use your fingers to brush your hair out of your face, you gargle mouthwash and sigh, plopping down on the closed toilet seat, your towel wrapped firmly around you.
You understand your emotions are at an all-time high because of your cycle, but let yourself cry anyway, letting out soft sniffles. Chris is going to think you're gross, kick you out, and never let you sleep over again.
You pull your knees to your chest and hunch into them.
“Baby?”
Your eyes widen; Chris shouldn’t be awake. There’s no way he didn’t see the sheet stain now. He’ll think you're appalling.
“No, go away, I’m gross.” You plea frowning. “If you're still gross after a forty-minute shower, I really doubt your life skills,” he retorts, “Now open the door.”
You sniffle, reaching over to unlock the room's door. Chris peers in slowly, flushing slightly when he sees you're just in a towel, then, remembering the situation.
“Baby, what's wrong?” Chris mumbles, still rubbing the sleep from his eyes. He looks so good. Sweats hanging low on his hips giving you a view of his boxers’ waistband, his hair tangled with sleep, the sun seeping in through the shades lights his face. He looks glowy, and you're a mess crying on the bathroom floor. This only makes you cry harder.
“I got my period,” you mumble, hiding your head in your hands. Chris is taken aback by your response. “You get it every month…?” He questions, wondering why you're especially emotional this time around. “I bled out on your bed sheets; I’m really sorry, please don't break up with me.” You babble.
Chris laughs dryly. “I'm not gonna break up with you because you got your period, ma’.” He’s surprised to see you like this, his strong-willed girl sobbing on the bathroom floor because of embarrassment. “But I ruined your sheets.” You frown, biting your lip out of nervousness.
“The only person you're fighting right now is yourself,” Chris says, “up, c'mon.” He gestures. You stand with him, clutching your towel to your body. “C’mere.”
You look to his bed, freshly made with new sheets. Tears fill your waterline again. “I was gonna do that,” you claim pouting, clearly upset he put in the work for you. “Well, you didn’t; deal with it.” He digs in his drawer, pulling out a Fresh Love hoodie and a pair of his boxers, laying them out for you. “You have pads in your bag, right?” He asks; you nod.
“Okay, here…here, and here,” he states, checking off everything in his hands as he gives them to you. “Do you want me to leave while you change?” He asks.
“No, just turn around,” you say, your voice nimble.
You pull on his clothes and let out a breath of relief as the cotton warms your skin. “You can turn around now.” You gesture. He lumbers over to you, hugging you tightly, evidently still exhausted. “Can we go back to bed now?” He urges kissing your temple softly. “Yeah.” You hum, tightly clinging to his torso.
“I can’t move if you don’t let go.” He laughs, placing his hands over yours.
You close your eyes flat against his chest. “I don't want to let go.” You mumble, creening your head against his collarbone. He taps your thigh twice like he usually does in a more intimate setting. You take this as an invitation to wrap your legs around his waist. With his now less-limited range of motion, Chris carries you to his bed, laying you down softly and toppling on top of you.
You scoot up, resting your head on a pillow, and he follows, resting his head on your stomach. “Chris—cramps!” you wince, feeling the weight of his head on your abdomen. “Sorry! Sorry!” he mutters lightly, moving his head to the crook of your neck. “Maybe it's good that you got your period,” Chris mutters. “Why’s that?” You hum.
“It’s good to know you're not pregnant after what happened at…”
”Chris!” You interrupt, shotting him a sour look. “Shut up and go to sleep,” you grumble.
#christopher sturniolo#chris sturniolo fluff#chris sturniolo x reader#chris sturniolo#sturniolo triplets#sturniolo x reader#nick sturniolo#sturniolo
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#ok finally making a post about meds#I've not ever tried taking medication before. I was sorta raised with that classic 'dont rely on meds you have to learn to manage without'#I mean I was also raised with the idea that therapy is stupid unless you have 'real' trauma. and also like idk.#can't stay home from school unless your temp is over 100 or you're throwing up. etc. very suck it up mindset#so I was just really nervous to start. also of course worried about losing myself or whatever I know that's a silly fear but#it's also a common fear for a reason!!! anyways#so I finally was like 'I need to do something' when I realized I was so anxious I couldnt even get myself to go outside alone#like I just don't want to do ANYTHING alone to a detrimental effect. and it was butting into my ability to do my work...#for various reasons. but then ALSO adhd has been a constant issue with my work as well!#it is SO hard to write and draw on a weekly pace like I am without being able to focus#my whole life I've had these terrible nightmares constantly and I've always woken up constantly in the night#sleep has always been terrible so I've always dreaded going to bed.. ESPECIALLy because it didnt even make me less tired#it was more something that I just did because I had to.#but going to bed was always terrible. there have been times I was too scared to go to sleep for weeks on end...#I've been mitigating this for years of course. and recently I've been taking melatonin which has been helping too.#but I've also always struggled to get up. because I've always been EXTREMELY exhausted#but also anxious of what the day might bring... idk.#anyways it has all hit a point that I was like okay. I am doing as many coping mechanisms as I can. the psych said they were good too#but... it just has never been enough. it's never been enough to make me not tired it's never been enough to make me not scared#so I finally talked to the doc about it. and she was like youve def got smth wrong basically. which yah I know.. but yknow#anyways so I started taking wellbutrin. and I am so frustrated now. because it's WORKING#that constant looming sense of dread is gone. I'm excited to get up. I'm excited to go to bed BECAUSE I'm excited to get up#I feel like for years I've been holding on to the idea that I have to get up because I have to put something good out into the world#and I've been clinging to knowing that if nothing else. I am able to help other people feel better.#but now for the first time in my life I'm like. free of it. I didnt even know it was possible... and I'm so sad how much I've lost out on#and so frustrated how my whole life I've been told to put up with it and push through it. and treated like a failure for it being too much.#and just. It has only been 2 weeks. but the lack of anxiety is SO noticeable I'm so...#I'll never miss it. the adhd is still pretty present but like whatever. I can manage that better.#and I'm just crying because of all this combined.#I just. I hope I get to finally be the best I can be now. for myself but also for you guys!
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i love my sister more than anything in this life, i will choose her happiness over mine every time.
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bakugou katsuki and you, a relationship turned sour as you both headed into your first year of highschool, at two separate hero academies.
you’d been dating since your third year of junior high, and yet he had never come by to meet your family. although, you wouldn’t really want him to. natsuo, fuyumi and shouto were great, but your father was still stuck in his number one mindset.
he’d basically disposed of you once your quirk manifested, you took after your mother after all. your quirk, shrapnel, allowed you to produce and shoot shards of ice at your opponent, but you always ran cold as a result.
shouto, now he was exactly what your father wanted. you’d been allowed to play with your siblings growing up, allowed to do normal childhood things as you watched your twin brother get beaten down by your father. he’d come into your shared childhood bedroom in tears almost every night, and you’d be there to comfort him, every single time.
so when you’d gone to shiketsu to spite your father, you’d essentially split with shouto. developing your own life and your own personality.
all while dating his future classmate.
and when you and bakugou broke up, shouto was furious at the boy. but the blonde haired boy just chalked it up to todoroki being jealous.
until he saw you both side by side at the provisional licensing exam. he didn’t know how he missed it before, but you and todoroki looked exactly alike aside from his two-toned hair and your snowy white locks. the fact that your last name was your mother’s maiden name wasn’t helping him find out shouto was your brother.
you’d found bakugou as you were trying to outrun an entire class from another school, but what you didn’t expect was for bakugou to have a group with him.
an electric type was rather smart, despite the way he looked.
“hey, bakugou. she looks a lot like todoroki, right?” he just stared at you, still. until he smiled, his canines visible as you were frozen in place, your shiketsu cap lying on the ground next to you as you looked up from where you were sat on the ground.
he was planning to attack you.
he sent a cluster of explosions your way, was he trying to kill you?
a block of ice appeared, taking up the blasts force as your brother ran towards you, grabbing your hand and forcing you up.
“todoroki? what the hell are you doing, man?! she’s the enemy!” a spikey, red haired man was shouting at your brother who was currently dodging or deflecting every attack that was headed your way.
“she’s not the enemy, she’s my sister.”
#mha#myheroacademia#boku no hero academia#my hero academia#bnha#bnha bakugou#mha bakugou#bakugou katsuki#bakugou x reader#bnha bakugo katsuki#mha todoroki#shouto todoroki#todoroki family#todoroki shouto#bnha shouto
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💄ATEEZ SMUT HEADCANONS💄
🎀Lingerie they like to see you in🎀
Warnings::smut
Pairing:: ot8!ateez! X fem!reader
A/N:: I originally thought about scraping this idea but it randomly hit me this morning with Hongjoongs prompt and I was like sure here we go ig
Ateez h/c masterlist:: ‧͙⁺˚*・༓☾
Hongjoong
He likes that cute stuff 🤭 his mindset wouldn't be as much "I wanna fuck her in that" it's more of a "she looks so cute I love her so much," while edging you with his fingers. He loves to lay you back in the bed and finger you. He would love to just gaze up at your body while he does so, it'd turn him on so much. If you wore lingerie underneath other clothing and he saw a peak of pink he would flip tf out, in a good way.
Lingerie would be used more for soft sex and making you feel good, not so much punishment. However, he wouldn't mind you wearing during a little punishment session as long as he can tie up your hands or something else kinky to balance out the vibe. It would feel weird if he was disciplining you while you were wearing this cute little outfit so he needs something else dark and kinky to make it less cutesy.
Seonghwa
He would like something kinda plain and simple but still sexy. He would like the more darker colors like black, red, maroon, etc. He's definitely more of the "I wanna fuck you in it," typa guy but I also have this weird fantasy I think Seonghwa would have.
He would make you wear the lingerie around the house for a day with a remote shoved up your pussy that he can control through an app on his phone. He'd randomly turn it up and down, change the modes and basically make you fall to the ground randomly. He would love to receive photos and videos of you in it too. Occasionally would make you finger yourself in front of him while wearing it. Overall whatever Lingerie you buy it's going to be used...a lot.
Yunho
He's a very plain guy but this specific outfit is the one he would buy in a flash for you. The stockings, the way the straps go up to your neck and create a collar, the gap in the crotch for him to slip his finger into, it's just perfect. At first Yunho wouldn't think he likes lingerie, the thought of it isn't really something that makes him jump for joy but let me tell you the first time he sees you cum in that outfit he is addicted.
We have another filmer over here and he is not shy about it. He has a locked folder on his phone full of photos and videos of you in your lingerie set. He's a big fan of fingering you in it, less about actual sex. He'd sit you in front of the mirror and mumble in your ear about how good you look.
Yeosang
Generally a pretty calm boy with it. He'd love to cuddle you in it and just roam his hands around your body. More of a photo shoot kinda guy and likes the way you feel confident in it. Definitely an "I wanna fuck you in it," guy so those little slits in the crotch of the lingerie would almost always be a must.
He likes it when you wear the more flowy, elegant type of lingerie and oh this boy loves lace as well. Receiving oral from him is also basically a must when you wear lingerie. (I need to remind you all that he can flip his tongue 180°) he would like to tease you through your panties a lot. When there's that little gap in the crotch he would swirl his tongue in between it and back again and if there wasn't a gap he would continuously press his tongue right at your opening but of course due to the fabric his tongue wouldn't actually go in, creating an annoying edging feeling.
San
He needs you to feel rich and like fucking royalty. Give him those gems, lace, and beautiful gowns because he is going to treat you like a real lady. He would do everything while you wear it too. Oral, fingering, toys, and actual penetration. He would like these specific color combos too, ruby red with black (like the photo) and black with gold accents.
Of course, San loves seeing your gorgeous body but he knows you don't always feel gorgeous in it. That's why he showers you in expensive lingerie to make you feel as gorgeous as he sees you. Not only this but it can play into role-playing situations, making you his queen while he's a pitiful slave. Yup he just adores you and worships you.
Mingi
No shame. He likes some really kinky shit and low-key isn't afraid to admit it. He wouldn't be exactly into purely made stuff but it's just the dynamic he likes. Also, those bunny outfits 🥴 mingi would totally be okay with you wearing other kinds of lingerie if you wanted and he could treat you cutesy like Yeosang or San but when it comes to his personal opinion he would rather you look like a fucked up mess for him.
He would like to do some role-play with you while you wear lingerie but not in the way people may think. He's not all about "You're my slave" or "you're my slut" he's more about the fact that you belong to him. So you're not just a slave you're HIS slave. It would also make his heart literally stop for a good 10 minutes if you sent him a cute little mirror selfie in your outfit 🤭
Wooyoung
He's a pretty classy guy. Lingerie isn't his biggest interest though, he would much rather fuck you raw than have clothing in the way. However he does like taking and receiving photos of you in lingerie. The best thing for Wooyoung though is teasing him with it.
Lingerie in your relationship is kind of like a way of saying "Let's have sex" without having to have a whole conversation about it. Though sometimes you'll tease him by wearing it and being like "I'm not in the mood," even though you clearly are. He'd get cranky and pout at you. "But baby, we agreed on this," he'd whine, and when you finally agree that you are infact in the mood you'd torture him even more by making him sit back and watch you play with yourself. You would have to tie him down or use some other form of punishment in order to get him to not interfere.
Even though this whole little scheme makes him mad he can't deny the fact he loves it and it makes him so hard every time.
Jongho
Currently bashing my head against the wall because this specific lingerie set is exactly what Jongho would love. Jongho is definitely the "I wanna fuck you in it," guy BUT not in a rough way. He just thinks you look so beautiful and pretty and just everything he could ever want. He would lowkey be into filming you, with your consent of course, and would rewatch the videos more than any sane person would.
He would like daytime sex with lingerie so he can see it in natural light. He would like you to have your hair down and not in his hands so he can see it all flow down with your pretty lingerie.
#ateez scenarios#ateez mingi#ateez fanfic#ateez x reader#ateez hard hours#ateez hard thoughts#ateez smut#ateez fic#ateez ot8#ot8 ateez x reader#ateez#ateez imagines#ateez headcanons
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Something I've been wondering for a while in the ML fandom. But after Season 5 ended, I saw a lot of authors coming to the consensus that Emilie is a "bad parent".
Where did that come from? Did I miss a fandom meeting where that consensus was reached? Or is that a consequence of Gabriel being a bad parent, having her as a bad parent by proxy?
I am mostly curious about where this headcanon came from, for some many different authors following the same path.
the series tries really hard to make Emelie seem like an angelic woman, but the problem is, it constantly steps on its own toes doing so.
even before her death, Adrien didn't go to school, wasn't socialized around others, never had a "real birthday gift," was only socialized around Chloe and his "cousin" sometimes, and though he yearned for school, was still denied that. The show says "oh she's a good person," but doesn't SHOW her being a good person.
the show contradicts itself. Emelie has to be good, because she's a dead mother who sacrificed her life for her child, but the show reveals the quality of life for that child was basically zilch, like owning a dog. The general idea of her being a bad parent is because being self-sacrificing doesn't make someone inherently good, in fact in Emelie's case, it made her all the more selfish.
if she knew she was dying and still had the audacity to keep her son from making connections with other people, all she was doing was saddling him with an immense amount of grief he would have no real way of processing, making her death the only thing he could ever revolve around for the rest of his existence.
Not only that, Gabriel seemed to follow the mindset of "oh she's just gone, not dead," which would only make things worse - and if Emelie suspected Gabriel might act the part of the fool, why didn't she ensure there was a support system for the both of them? To be fair, she doesn't have Gabriel on strings, but she literally has complete control over Adrien and just... decided to make him her emotional support child? a crutch through her death? an accessory to show what a good person she was???
maybe we really are missing parts. maybe she actually was an exceptional woman - but that SAME woman could be cattled and convinced to keep Adrien alone for his developmental years??? if we're following the idea that she was actually super good and kind, then we have to accept that she's also immensely stupid for allowing her husband to convince her that Adrien should be a bird in a cage.
Either she's loving but overall selfish, keeping Adrien for herself in spite of the damage it would cause, OR loving and stupid, letting Gabriel convince her to keep Adrien in the dark in spite of the damage it could cause.
the show may WANT us to route emelie down the path of overall "good," but considering her husband was such a miserable excuse for a parent who's attitude really hasn't changed that much from the past, like draws to like and we can only draw our own conclusions.
honestly i think Zoe put it better here, but there's my two cents on the matter.
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(This is a slightly re-worked version of my 2021 Terror Camp talk on the subject. You can request access to past recordings via the TC email.)
In a show full of unapologetic imperialists, Harry Goodsir, beautiful cinnamon roll (too good for this world, too pure), is often exempted from the scrutiny that other characters are subjected to, based on his ‘innocent’ nature and his good intentions. I argue that precisely these characteristics that are most formative for his imperialism, but that his imperialism is not legible to us because it is the same form of imperialism we* still practise today. As the character who seems most modern to us because he is, in many ways, quite liberal, he serves as a prime audience surrogate to excuse, and to question our excuses of this imperialism.
We may think of empire as an unapologetic entity, too large to deny its own existence. The fact of its violence is all-encompassing. In the eyes of those who suffer from under it, the empire cannot be ignored—but there are also those who depend on its invisibility for the functioning of their world. This is a story about how the empire hides itself from itself, through the story it tells about itself.
The origins of empires fall together with the historical emergence of liberalism in the 18th century. Mehta (1999, p. 194) writes on this co-emergence:
“It is tempting to see the triumph of liberalism and the concurrent extension of the empire as either discontinuous facts that do not relate to each other or as plainly contradicting each other, and therefore casting doubt on the authenticity of the former. The thesis of discontinuity misunderstands the role of liberalism generally, and especially in this period. From its very inception in the seventeenth century, liberalism had been much more than a mere political doctrine with a local reach. By the early nineteenth century and with added vigor through the course of it, it was a robust mindset with a confidence in its global vision. This liberalism did not mysteriously get transformed into some demonic urge to rule the world the instant the British ventured beyond their shores. [...] liberalism and empire were tightly braided threads such that their separation would have resulted in the fraying of a well-woven mental and political tapestry.”
At the same time, liberalism, in its elaborations as a theory, is at odds with many aspects of empire. Liberalism, on the one hand, relies on the resources and globalisation provided through colonisation. On the other hand, the liberal tradition purports that its values—individual self-determination, basic rights, democracy, or tolerance—hold the world over. These liberal values extend rights that the empire violates and denies. This is not to say that liberalism has not also served as the argument in struggles of liberation and for rights. The language of liberalism can be used to challenge liberalism and demand inclusion, just as the language of liberalism can be used to dismantle it. Suffragists successfully did the former. The globally resurgent radical right is succeeding in a strategy of normalisation that is achieving the latter. What I am saying is that within liberalism, which is caught between needing the empire for its political survival and being at odds with the fact of empire in its moral system, there is a particular rhetorical trick that hides the empire from liberal eyes. Even today, we western liberal subjects deflect when it comes to the existence of this connection.
I use Jeanne Morefield’s concept of “imperial deflections” (Morefield, 2014). She defines an imperial deflection as “drawing critical attention away from the liberal empire’s illiberalism by insisting upon its fundamental character.” It’s a bit like a magic trick: showing you the card by acknowledging the empire’s illiberal acts, and then drawing the attention away from it. Morefield examines British liberal thinkers around WWI and US liberal thinkers post 9/11 to show how the liberal justifications of empire are surprisingly similar in both instances. In both pre-WWI Britain and post 9/11 America, liberals insist it is impossible for them to act illiberally—because they have always been liberal, because they are at heart liberal, or because the long arc of history bends towards a liberal society in both cases. It is these deflections we can see Goodsir employ in the show, at different times, and with different degrees of success.
Goodsir as an Audience Surrogate
At numerous junctures in the show, we are encouraged to view the world we are presented with through Goodsir’s eyes. He, like the viewer, has never been to the Arctic, and approaches it with a sense of wonder. The audience is encouraged to empathise with him through small moments that endear him to us (such as when he insists that he, too, can haul the boat-sledge in 1x02 and promptly falls over, inexperienced at hauling as he is.) In episode 1x02 Goodsir as a viewpoint character also becomes explicit when we hear his testimony after what happened to Lieutenant Gore. Although all members of the sledge party are interviewed offscreen, it is his point of view that we hear and believe, and that helps us makes sense of what we just saw happen. The fact that the captains interviewing him are sceptical of his account just solidifies putting the audience in his corner.
What most solidifies Goodsir as an audience surrogate, however, is his ideology and therefore his position in the show as a “modern” character. My argument is that it’s precisely Goodsir’s liberalism that allows us to identify with him.
Goodsir as a Liberal Subject
Goodsir’s role as a scientist (an anatomist first, and then also a doctor) position him closest to Post-Enlightenment liberal ideas about scientific progress, rationality, and also a new form of masculinity. Goodsir is a decidedly “modern” character, especially when contrasted with other characters: Goodsir is less set in his ways than most of them. While describing the bear prints, for example, the captains are dismissive of his description while Goodsir is sceptical but not dismissive of the idea that the bear could have tracked them to the ship. (He is, of course, very set in other ways, for example in his total embrace of class hierarchies.) He is also positioned in contrast to Stanley’s overt racism when Stanley refuses to perform surgery on Silna’s father.**
Goodsir’s approach to life is informed by his belief in science. We are given little hints throughout the show that approaching things from a detached, scientific angle gives him comfort. When David Young dies, Goodsir is distressed, but the first thing he does is check Young’s pulse. Similarly, he can perform Young’s autopsy only after covering his face, reducing him from “person” to “body.” His account of Gore’s killing, likewise, is focussed on the observable details and reads more like a scientific report than a report from a man who witnessed a traumatic event.
This rationality and distance from emotion is also indicative of an alternative masculinity. The show contrasts Goodsir’s liberal masculinity with the more familiar “male warrior” masculinity of the sailors that surround him. In episode 1x03, Goodsir’s demand of an escort back to the ships is played for a laugh, though immediately undercut when the Tuunbaq does attack the hunting blind, leaving him the character with the more realistic risk assessment. Goodsir embodies an alternative hegemonic masculinity: a liberal masculinity that expresses itself not in outbursts of aggression but in a distancing from emotion. When Goodsir seeks to test his lead poisoning theory, for example, he entices Jacko with gentle words to eat from the food he suspects to be poisonous. He is aware that—should his theory be correct—he is killing the monkey. We are reminded of his gentle words to David Young and realise, perhaps, that his gentleness is not backed up with a deep concern for the person/animal he speaks to. In both cases, the knowledge that can be extracted from dead bodies supersedes sentimentality. Neither masculinity, one might extrapolate from that, offers a way out of the predicament these men find themselves in. Neither can serve as the basis of a new kind of living with each other.
Goodsir’s Liberal Deflections of Empire
Goodsir’s character is an interesting case of nominative determinism. There obviously was a historical Harry Goodsir, but this is not the man we are looking at. We are looking at the fictional “good sir” who was, at first glance, written as the only good man among imperialists. At second glance, however, his name itself becomes an imperial deflection. While other characters make their investment in empire clear from the beginning, Goodsir’s is perhaps harder to spot. Sir John has already failed at one imperial endeavour and is adamant to prove himself. Fitzjames’s stories illustrate that he has no qualms with the mission of empire. But at various points in the show, Goodsir is seen to express discomfort with the logic of action that imperialism dictates. He wants to save Silna’s father (even though he ends up making things worse for him and the crew in the long run.) He expresses discomfort at the treatment of the body of Silna’s father, while he himself tries to be respectful of Inuit customs (though, once again, making things worse by burying his charms with him.) When Francis wants to ask Silna how to kill the Tuunbaq, Goodsir does not translate the question, perhaps out of a sense that “these matters are quite private in her culture.” It is because of this discomfort that Goodsir becomes the prime apologist of empire. The other characters do not feel like they have anything to be sorry for, and therefore do not need to invent justifications. Goodsir employs these justifications at various moments in the show, but two instances stand out for their similarity in phrasing and context, and the differing extent to which Goodsir believes them.
The first instance of an imperial deflection is when Goodsir brings supper to Silna. She has just been kidnapped by Hickey, Hartnell and Manson. When Goodsir introduces himself to Silna, he has a first moment of realization of the meaning and scope of empire and his place in it. He explains their purpose (“For our economy. For trade.”) and seems to have a moment of self-awareness that those are neither good reasons for dying nor for killing. A moment later he points at himself, hoping to introduce himself. “Goodsir,” he says, which is both his name and also an insistence that while the policies that brought him here may be flawed, the men sent to die were good men, not deserving of the scorn we direct at them for the imperial policy they carry out. “This is not how Englishmen act,” he says, despite evidence to the contrary that Englishmen have, in fact, just acted this way. This is the first instance of a textbook liberal deflection: insisting on the character over the actions of empire. What does it matter for Silna that he means well? The helplessness is emphasised by the abrupt ending of the episode after Goodsir’s desperate introduction.
The second time Goodsir insists on the character of Empire over its actions is in quite a different context. A hunting party has just massacred an Inuit family, people that Silna knew, and now Silna is being exiled from Terror Camp. Goodsir knows that it’s safer for her to go, but selfishly wants her to stay. He feels for her, and perhaps feels he must offer some sort of apology for the behaviour of his co-nationals. Then he tells her: “I wish you could come to England and see for yourself. It’s not like we are here. People there are good.” Once again, he insists on the fundamental character—the “English” character—of the empire that exculpates them from the crimes they commit abroad. But even in the speaking, he appears to realise the futility of this deflection. This second deflection is followed by a word spoken in Inuktitut for which no translation is provided.*** Silna reacts with a small smile and a nod of her head. The choice not to subtitle or translate Goodsir’s last word to Silna can be read in various ways, but it remains first and foremost a place to which we—the liberal audience at home—cannot follow Goodsir, who has been our surrogate up to this point, implying perhaps that he has taken a step that we have yet to take in confronting our own imperialism.
Both of Goodsir’s deflections follow violence done to Silna (or threatened against her.) In the first instance, it’s her kidnapping by Hickey and his associates for which Goodsir first apologises, then makes excuses; in the second instance it’s the violence that will be done to her should she return to Terror Camp, as well as the violence done to other Inuit. In both cases, it’s Goodsir’s job to draw attention away from the liberal empire’s illiberal actions by insisting on its liberal character. The extent to which he succeeds—or fails—opens up these liberal deflections of empire for us. Goodsir is not an uncritical liberal audience surrogate. I watched The Terror for the first time during the March 2020 lockdown, and hearing “For our economy. For trade.” hit hard for me as a person living under a capitalist system where economic necessity is continuously valued over human life. Goodsir realises, in justifying, the hollowness of some of his justifications, even as he fervently holds on to others.
Goodsir stays alive long enough to witness all the ways that Englishmen may act, and is made to participate in them. His disillusionment with his co-nationals at the end is nearly complete. But his commitment to liberalism, I would argue, remains.
In the end, Goodsir returns to science. His final vision is that of the beauty that no doubt inspired his career, the wonder that he told Crozier he still feels. But it’s also a vision that remains within the ordered boundaries of the liberal empire: the specimens are foreground on a white background, they are separated from nature, standing contextless and only for themselves. Goodsir’s final vision is that of the liberal imperial project, realised.
* When I write “we,” I am, of course, aware that not everyone reading this falls under the umbrella of Western liberal subjects that this “we” assumes. Like Goodsir as an audience surrogate, this “we” hopes to function as a mirror of reflection for our own deflections of empire. I do not understand myself as a “liberal,” certainly not in the sense that most US-Americans use the term. I see liberalism as the bedrock of how we do politics in the 21st century. In that sense, we are all “liberals.” From the position of someone who is a “liberal,” as a subject of a liberal democracy, I do not exempt myself from the category of people that has, at various points in their lives, made excuses for empire, knowingly or unknowingly. These rhetorical strategies, so ingrained in how we talk about who we are, make it all-too-easy to fall into the trap of convincing ourselves that there is something redeemable at the heart of our empires. We must make these strategies explicit to recognise their falsity.
** Stanley’s refusal did not come out of an assessment of the futility of the procedure, which might have spared Silna’s father further suffering. In that sense, both Goodsir (in his belief that his knowledge can save the man) and Stanley (in his racist refusal of medical aid) fail Silna and her father, because neither of them centre the well-being of the man.
*** I am aware that you can find this translation in many metas written about it. Do not come into my comments to tell me what it means. I looked it up.
Bibliography
Bell, D., 2014. What is Liberalism. Political Theory 42, 682–715.
Hooper, C., 2001. Masculinities in International Relations, in: Manly States: Masculinities, International Relations, and Gender Politics. Columbia University Press, New York, pp. 79–116.
Mehta, U.S., 1999. Liberalism and Empire. A Study in Nineteenth-Century British Liberal Thought. University of Chicago Press, Chicago and London.
Morefield, J., 2014. Empires Without Imperialism: Anglo-American Decline and the Politics of Deflection. Oxford University Press, Oxford.
#the terror#harry goodsir#terror meta#johis writes#terror camp#i needed to have this talk accessible in meta form somewhere#because it's so integral to how i think about goodsir#and i can't keep directing people to a video lmaooo
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Okay, so here’s the thing….
We are still at a very early point in the narrative of ‘Fionna and Cake’ and therefore at a very early point in Simon’s character arc. It’s pretty clear that “I need to become Ice King again” is not the end point by any meaning of the word. But I am wondering where we’re going to go with this, cause… The series has yet to really tackle how miserable Ice King himself was a lot of the time. And how often he hurt people.
Like, yes, I was an advent advocates for 'trying to bring back Simon Petrikov was a really really Bad Idea on Betty's part, it was more healthy to focus on making sure Ice King was as happy and healthy and harmless as he could be', but I am also fully aware that he started the show being both extremely lonely and extremely sad and also a serial kidnapper who was very much a danger to those around him. And as much progress as he made during the show, getting Ice King to that point was a very serious struggle with a lot of backslidings and problems.
'Friends Forever' is, for example, an episode that stuck with me for a long time as a really heart-wrenching demonstration how even in that late stage, when he has buddies and people trying to seriously take care of him - Ice King was still very capable of seriously sabotaging his own relationships and hurting others and himself.
And it does make sense narratively that, like, characters like Astrid and Fionna and Cake, all of whom lack the full context of what Ice King's life was like (Fionna and Cake really just saw Simon at his worst and only got snippets of clips of Ice King and since Astrid was born after Humans came to Ooo that means she was also born after the events of ‘Come Along With Me’) all see Simon as a downgrade. Because they really don’t understand how bad Ice King was beforehand.
And thus is does make sense that with Simon's current mental state, and how he is surrounded lately with these kinda people who never really knew Ice King and don’t really understand how terrible and miserable he could be, and now hearing that his ‘sanity’ just took away magic and whimsy from some else’s whole universe, and how it feels like the actual gods of the multiverse are telling him that he should be Ice King, that he's supposed to be Ice King....
It makes sense that he might start kinda... romanticizing that time in his life again.
You know, the big thing about the outlook that Betty should’ve accepted Ice King as who he is rather than basically destroy herself to bring Simon back wasn't about whatever Ice King or Simon Petrikov were better or 'cooler' than the other. It was about, like, embracing change. Not obsessing about a past where things were ‘Better’ but seeing what is the best you can do with things as they are. Moving forwards.
And we all know how Simon feels about moving forwards right now…
And obviously that's a pretty bad mindset, even if it's understandable how he got there...
And honestly, if we do explicitly acknowledge that, hey! Ice King’s life was often just as much of a depressive spiral as Simon's is right now! There might be an element of… resignation in Simon’s decision.
Because Simon's downward spiral since getting cured is not a demonstration that he was better off under the Ice Crown's curse.... But, to him, more a demonstration that he doesn't need the Crown to screw up his own life anymore.
‘Cause as both as Ice King and as good ol’ ‘sane’ Simon Petrikov he is just as capable of being lonely and depressed.
And just as capable of losing his own identity.
And just as capable of pushing his loved ones away and ruining his own life.
And just as capable of becoming a weirdo obsessive.
And just as capable of making little girls cry.
He even started kidnapping people again! That’s the Ice King Classic!
So on some level, maybe Simon is resigned to the fact he’s always going to be SOME sort of screwed up lonely sadman who hurts others. And if that is his fate, he might as well be the screwed up lonely sadman who is mostly oblivious to how sad he really is and can shoot ice from his fingertips. And his arc is going to be about realizing that, whether he is Ice King or Simon Petrikov, healing and change ARE always possible for him.
But we’re gonna have to see where it goes…
#adventure time#atimers#fionna and cake#adventure time fionna and cake#adventure time spoilers#fionna and cake spoilers#fionna and cake series#fionna and cake show#at spoilers#fac spoilers#simon petrikov#simon adventure time#adventure time simon#ice king#the ice king#adventure time ice king#ice king adventure time#fionna and cake simon#prismo the wishmaster
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