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nctinfo · 5 years ago

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[TRANS] NCT DREAM’s interview with Allure September 2019 issue!

RENJUN

Has any of your childhood dreams come true? My dream, when I was little, was to become a real ‘star’. I wanted to become a singer, every year at school when the teacher would ask us what we hope for in the future my answer was always the same, becoming a star. And because that became true I feel really good.

Do you often dream when you sleep? I never not dream. Even when I sleep for a short while I still dream. The problem is that the moment I wake up I forget it all. So it’s rare for me to remember a dream, but there are dreams I have often. I’m not good at controlling the ability to fly so it’s a hard dream for me. (laughs)

Your favourite thing about ‘Boom’? The choreo in the last chorus has an impact. Not just the choreo but also the song itself is good. Also the mood of the concept is like all Dreamies so I really like it. A long time ago I’ve watched ‘Chewing Gum’ on Youtube. It feels like there’s been a change in those 3 years. In terms of appearance Jisung has changed the most. Yesterday I’ve watched an old video of ours and I was really surprised. This kid has grown up so much until now!

You’ve turned 20, what does it mean to turn 20 for you? A long time ago I knew that when you turn 20 you become an adult. I was looking forward to see if I too will grow up to the bone but once I actually turned 20 there wasn’t any huge change. On the outside it looks like you’re maturing but on the inside you’re still a kid. It seems like maybe being an adult can’t be defined by age.

What is something you’re the proudest of when it comes to NCT DREAM? One thing I can say for sure is that the members are very close to each other. So the mood within the team is good too. I can’t help but be happy even when I’m working. Once you work with is one time you can’t escape the Dream charm. (laughs) You’ll keep wanting to work with us.

Once you were said to be a good translator? That means you must also be good at communication. I was always speaking both Korean and Chinese so there’s no special secret behind that. First of all in my head I read something in Korean first. Then I think of the meaning and say what I want to say in Chinese. You should never try to translate everything word by word. You have to go with the flow.

Do you listen to your members’ concerns a lot? Yes. I listen to Jisung a lot so he can often be found in my room. One time he came and we talked until 4-5AM in the morning. I talk a lot too so I think listening to each other like this opens our hearts and makes the stories even better.

Today it has been continuously raining. If you don’t have any schedules on a day like this what do you want to do? On a day like this I’d be happy to set up a tent and eat hot pot in it, because I like resting while watching the rain pour. I like feeling cool (refreshed) and clean, so rainy days, days when it doesn’t rain, days when it snows, I like them all. To be honest I like all seasons.

Every time you guys are trying new concepts, which one do you think suits you the most? Picking just one is hard. Until now we’ve been showing images that suit our age so all of it was just us being us. More childlike when we were younger, now it’s more grown up. I think we’re always showing concepts that suit us the most.

If you were to challenge something new, what would it be? I’d like to try a free concept. There hasn’t been a makeup or styling that would make me stand out so I’d like to showcase a side of me like this. I always wanted to learn playing piano, I can play a song or two. I want to learn more.

You sing the ‘The dancing child with an innocent face now smiles and sets your heart on fire’ part. It’s a lyric that feels like it’s implying NCT DREAM has grown, how does it feel to sing it? Back in the day, we had a really pure image. It’s not that just our image has changed, but our mindsets are different too. Our growth is so evident that our fans and even people who aren’t fans can see it, this is what I think of. “Look, we’ve grown up like this”.

You’ve performed ‘Boom’ out of the <We Boom> album, but if you were to pick a B side what would it be? From this album specifically it’s hard to pick but I like ‘Bye My First’ the most. The melody is nice from start to end so you can listen to it with ease and no burden.

Compared to other tracks with lots of charisma, this song is softer and sweeter. Is singing it different? There’s a tip I’ve learned at our company. When you sing a song while genuinely smiling it’s really different. You know how you know whether someone’s smiling just by listening to them speak? It’s the same with singing. There are no cameras but if I focus on conveying the emotion while smiling then it will be delivered to people who listen to the song well.

JENO

Is there any childhood dream you had that came true? The dreams I had when I was younger never came true. But the one particular thing that did come true was me promoting as an artist. Among the other dreams I had were a car designer and architect. Though they are dreams I cannot achieve right now, I don’t have any regrets.

What do you think of when you hear the word 'dream'? Growth and hope. Having to debut at a very young age, whether it's our physical growth or our developed skills, I think we've become the icons of growth. And the fact that we can still grow more will also lead to hope.

What's your favourite part in 'Boom'? The last chorus where we all dance together. The other members will feel the same. I like it because it gives me strength. At that moment, we all have that feeling of wanting to show everyone what we've worked hard for.

Your slogan is 'Yo Dream, let's be dope, fighting!'. When do you think your team is the best? I think our teamwork is the best when we tease each other. (laughs). We're so close now, it feels like a family. Even when we're busy during the promotions, you won't think we're tired when you see us joking around. It's really noisy in our waiting room.

What's the thing that changed the most in the three years since you debuted? When we just debuted, I felt a lot of pressure when we had to do official public talks. However, I've started to feel more comfortable since I began MCing for <The Show> a year ago. I think as we individually grow, the team's image also grows.

How do you feel it (the team's image) has changed? If 'Chewing Gum' only had a cute image, then this album has the image that's like a newly born adult. But everything else hasn't changed. It's all the same as when we first met. Whether it's the way we talk, our personalities or our thoughts. They are still all there.

How is the time spend with NCT DREAM is practicing? The longer the practice gets, the more our concentration will drop so we try to get everything done as quickly as possible. When we put bets on buying snacks when someone gets the choreography wrong, we all become very focused. it's kinda like spartan. (laughs)

You've just started your 20s. Is there anything you wish to happen? Actually, when I was a young boy, I thought something would be different when I turn 20 years old, but there isn't much difference. I think to work harder and have to take more responsibility so I can be more mature. But so far I still don't really know. What should I be responsible for and what should I work harder for? Seeing as I'm always together with the same friends.

Your nickname is JenoJam..? Did you make the other members laugh recently? Uhm... I don't really remember anything like that (laughs). Actually, I thought the nickname was kinda unfair when I first heard it. I thought I wasn't unfun to that extent. But after 4 year, I've acknowledged it and let it go. I thought it was good to have a character like that. I am the only 'NoJam' character in DREAM (laughs). Also, the kids have a chance to make it more fun. I think it has more advantages than I thought.

As a child model, you've acted as various children types. But what kind of kid were you actually? A kid who studied hard and wanted to be good at everything.

It seems you might have been more comfortable in front of the camera compared to the other members. It's scary and nerve-wracking to stand in front of the camera for the first time because you are in front of many eyes and the recording remains forever. Thanks to my experience as a kid I didn't have much trouble standing in front of the camera when I debuted. And there are always kids who have their eyes closed when their pictures are taken. It seems like I was able to avoid that though.

You are a member who raises cats. When do you think a cat is the loveliest? Cats also have different personalities. It's great when they are 'catdog'-like but it often happens that they are not so that's why they are the loveliest when they are asleep. You have to be careful around sensitive cats when they are asleep because you can wake them up just from one touch.

Is there a member who resembles a cat? There's none. They are all like dogs. (laughs)

You are a member who is going is dancing and always does the 'point'-choreography. Do you have a role model? It's the one and only, famous for his dance, Kai sunbaenim

When idols talk about dance, they often talk about the 'body/dance-line'. What kind of dance-line do you like? I like it when a powerful dance is controlled/contained. First of all, a song and a dance have to match for it the whole thing to come to life. When you can control your strength, even in small movements, the dance-line will look impressive.

HAECHAN

Is there any childhood dream you had that came true? Debuting as the maknae. I've liked SHINee's Taemin hyung a lot since I was young so I thought it would be good to debut as the maknae. And oddly enough, I was the maknae when I debuted with NCT 127 even though I'm one of the older ones in DREAM. (laughs)

What's your favourite part in 'Boom'? The pre-chorus 'I become your dream and a path to it. I can make you hold your dream oh the dancing child with an innocent face now smiles and sets this track on fire oh' is the part I like the most. The lyrics, rhythms, it continues without empty space and you have to keep the groove inside that part going. Many things about this part suit me very well and I'm attached to it.

Especially in this part 'the dancing child with an innocent face now smiles and sets this track on fire oh' you can feel the growth of your team. We're really living up to these lyrics when we're doing promotions now. Until now we always had the vibe of 'we are promoting with a youthful spirit' but now it's like 'we dreamies have grown up and we will show you how much'. The lyrics have that kind of feeling so I can really feel it every time we sing it.

What's the thing that changed the most in three years? The mind? I'm not sure how to express it. When we just debuted, everything was fascinating and enjoyable. As I've gained more experience I think I've become more careful.

What do you think about the color (image) of NCT DREAM that's changing? To put it into words, we're going from a cute to a more mature image. In the case of 'Chewing Gum', back then Jisung very young at 15 years old and started entering puberty. Now, we've all grown out of puberty and I think we have that image. Especially our outer image (has grown) but still I think when people look at us they feel that 'these kids have grown'.

I've heard NCT DREAM is always practicing. What is the practice room to you? The practice room seems to be the start of everything. It consists of many things and a lot is done. It's different from what fans imagine. In a way, it's also a secret space.

You made your debut and did promotions when you were young and now you've turned 20 years old. Does turning 20 have any meaning to you? I think it kinda has, it has many different meanings. After you turned 20, you also become an adult, it's the start of your 20s and no matter what you have many responsibilities... Since I thought I should show the image of my growth I gave it a lot of thoughts.

What would you like your 20s to be like? your 20s are the peak, right? I think it's a time where you bloom. If the teenage years is the time you make preparations, 20s are when you make the start.

Before you've said "(you) have to be cool and do well" right? When do you think you're cool? I don't think strong concepts aren't the only ones that are cool. I think anyone is cool when they are themselves. I think it's cool when you know yourself and are able to express it. I didn't really know either. I just followed the cool stuff. I used to not know what I was good at (didn't know myself) but from the moment I started to realize what I'm good at (found myself), me and other people who watch me have been seeing me in a better light. (t/n: cool ‘멋있다‘ can be interpreted in many different ways here. Like: confident, amazing, admirable, impressive, etc.)

When were you recently 'cool and doing well'? I think the rap I did for 'Stronger' is the rap that's the nicest to listen to and the best I've done thus far. Instead of thinking 'I have to be the best' I tried to do it comfortably (without much pressure). At that moment I was just talking with the director hyung, and through lots of discussions, the best (of me) came out so I'm very proud.

In the summer, you have to eat well. Is there any specific healthy food you eat? I really like buckwheat noodles so I eat it often. These days, our dorm auntie buys us a lot of samgyeopsal so we're eating well.

You have a very special vocal color even within SM's many talented singers. Which artist do you personally think has a charming vocal color? That's Michael Jackson. His voice is so diverse, it sounds very pure in some songs and in others it's incredibly powerful. I want to be like that. I also like the fairy tale feeling, but Michael Jackson can that too so I've liked him for a very long time.

Do you want to release your own songs someday? I've been writing and composing songs for a long time, but there are many things I'm worried about. There's this fear of making new things... But I'm working very hard on it so maybe I can show it someday in the future?

You're known for your quick wit. So far, as album titles, you've had <We Young>, <We Boom>, <We Go Up>. If you were to describe today's photoshoot with 'We ____' what would it be? 'We are'. Our existence. Us

JAEMIN

Do you often dream when you sleep? I'm not the type that dreams often. But when I do dream I often getting chased (laughs)

What do you think of when you hear the word 'dream'? I quite literally think of dreams and hope because it's our aspiration as a group to bring healing and dreams.

Your slogan is 'Yo Dream, let's be dope, fighting!'. When do you think your team is the best? Our team is the best when every member carries the team. (laughs) When someone does something wrong, you'll get in trouble. There are times when we're really united, whenever we're tired and want to finish the practice quickly or when someone makes a mistake. Because we all carry (the team) we can sense each other fast. Once you fall out there's no way to get out.

What's the thing that changed the most in the three years since you debuted? In the past, when I was dancing or performing, I was always busy looking for the camera and was focused on not making any mistakes but these days I'm more relaxed. I'm able to change my performance depending on the stage and it's more fun like that.

How did the members change? The team didn't change that much. (laughs). We're exactly the same as we were from the start. But if I had to pick something, it's that we've grown closer to each other even more.

You made your debut when you were young. It seems like this album shows the growth of NCT DREAM. We watched unreleased videos of Jisung that were taken when he was still in the 5th grade. We hadn't realized how much we've grown. But we do when we look at pictures or videos. When we see Jisung we often say "He has become a dragon" [meaning he has grown/became successful] (laughs). He really has grown up well. He was really young and was really like a kid.... But he's still the same on the inside, his taste in food is the same, his 'poop' hands are still the same... nothing has changed.

What do you think about the color (image) of NCT DREAM that's changing? During 'Chewing Gum' we bounced around with our baby fat and we definitely had a lot of youthful spirits, but now there are more mature members and you will be able to see our mature side. If the former was a clean white color, it would now be a gray tone.

Do you like that color? I like how we are now. Because it's hard for us to keep up the feeling 'Chewing Gum' had.

What is the practice room to you? It's a place where you can express really good energy. The idea of getting out of there give a lot of motivation. It's basically a place where we can develop our skills, so it's a place we need.

How is the atmosphere during practices? We're very serious during practice. But if when you're serious for too long, you can get tired very quickly so it's a relief we can't stay serious for too long (laughs). Even when we're serious, there's always someone to pops up and breaks the mood. It's a style that allows us to be full with energy.

You’ve just turned 20. How do you wish to spend your 20s? I've only been in my 20s for half a year... Honestly, I don't even see myself as an adult. I think you should be in your 30~40s to an adult. If my mom saw me, wouldn't she still see me as a baby? If you imagine your 20s, you may want to go on a trip or have time alone. However, my job is to be a singer and I want to improve my skills.

What is your biggest pride as an NCT DREAM member? We can challenge anything since we're still young. No one can break us down... right? (laughs)

Is the legend that you were cast while volunteering true? I was cast when I was volunteering at a festival where I was handing out flyers. It was over and I was about to leave when I woman started talking to me (laughs). So I thought it was an insurance company and tried to avoid her but she said she was from SM. I asked my mother what SM was and she said it was a good company.. It was cast like that. My mom told anything her son wanted to do he can do.

Is it your parent's influence that made you kind-hearted? I was influenced by my mother a lot. I don't know if it's because I'm like my mother or if it's because of my parents' affectionate care for me that made me have a lot of affection for people. I like people a lot. I don’t know if that’s a good or bad thing.

You might get hurt without the intention (by someone) I've only lived for 20 years but since I've lived like that for 20 years, I can't change it. It's in my nature to love people so much. If I were to change that I would have 2 faces. I don't like that.

Like in 'We Go Up' you're mainly in charge of the powerful rap openings. What do you most focus on, on stage? Since we do it live, there are a lot more things to pay attention to than it might seem. Basically, while I'm looking for the camera, unlike a recording, there are many things to think about. I keep practicing so hard but the voice I want to come out doesn't (come out at the live performance). So I focus on practicing to be able to do as much as I can do on a stage as I do during a recording. I'm someone who will always keep moving during the practice like it's a real stage.

Earlier you seemed interested in the shoots of the other members, you seem to be good with machines. Aren't you interested in photography? I have a lot of interest in computers and cameras. I've very much interest in programs like that too. I want to try to work with various programs like Photoshop, Premiere, Final cut etc.

Is there anything you want to create? Yes, I'm making something right now. I'm composing and writing a song alone, just as a hobby, on Ableton and I upload pictures I take of the members in Photoshop and Lightroom. Taking pictures of the members it the most fun

NCT is showing a lot of various content on VLIVE and on NCT's YouTube channel. What is the secret to having fun? You’ve hosted [your vlives etc] and organized [stuff]. Organising? Our kids would never organise/clean up (laughs). There’s no secret to having fun If you're excited alone at the start, all the other members will get more excited at some point too, that's when I calm down and try to balance is out. I think the combination of the members is important.

What is the charming point of the various content? Unlimited fans can enter and we can communicate in real-time. I think the biggest advantage is that it can be seen from all over the world.

Out of the concepts that NCT DREAM has done so far which one do you think suits you the most? I think has to be ‘We Go Up’. I really liked the pink hair. With that hair I looked pretty even when I wasn’t wearing any make up. (laughs)

If you were to challenge something new what would it be? At 23. Or 24 maybe, something sexy? (laughs) I want to try something like EXO hyungs ‘Love Shot’. It was really cool. Also I’d like to try out acting. Living as other people feels interesting.

Because the team’s name is ‘Dream’ you often sing lyrics about dreaming. Dream. What does it mean to you? My dream was to travel around the world with my mom and building a house. I like traveling alone especially. When I look at travel pics on SNS I want to go there before I even know where it is.

It’s not an exaggeration to say that you’ve turned 20 with your team who you’ve met in your childhood times. I’m realising that I’m growing up with my team. More than anything it’s amazing how inseparable we’ve become now.

If you were to congratulate NCT DREAM on the soon approaching 3 Year Anniversary? Congratulations. It’s been 3 years. Now it’s only 7 years until we turn 10 so let’s run even stronger.

CHENLE

Is there any childhood dream you had that came true? There’s exactly 2 and first of them is becoming a singer. And the other one was just simply dyeing my hair for once. I came here and made my wish come true. Ever since debut I haven’t had black hair, I really like that. I want to keep dyeing my hair. (laugs)

What does the word ‘dream’ remind you of? A feeling full of young and powerful energy.

Soon it will be 3 years since your debut. What has changed during those 3 years? My height and the baby fat on my face has been lost I think. I’ve grown up a lot. At first I was barely 170cm but now I’ve grown to as much as 178cm. Our team grows a little bit with each comeback. We all progress skill wise, our faces become more mature and our thoughts get deeper too I think.

You were riding hoverboards when you debuted, right? Is there anyone who still rides the hoverboard? If you pick up a license would you keep riding it? I want to, it’s really cool. I think that riding a board on a long distance would be really wicked. Also I think if you ride a hoverboard while on the stage it gives you an advantage. Because you’re riding a board instead of walking your legs don’t hurt.

What does it mean for you to turn 20 years old? I always thought it’s important when you turn 20 because you’re an adult then, but last year when Mark hyung became an adult I saw no change, hyung is still cute now. (laughs)

What kind of an adult do you wish to become? An adult who can attend a company get-together properly. (laughs) After SMTOWN concert is finished we have company dinners. Other artists are having a good time but me and Jisung just drink cola or sprite and have to leave early which is a shame. Also when I become an adult I’ll be able to do activities after 10PM which I think would be nice. Everyday I can only do so much until 10PM and it’s a bummer, I want to do more.

Music videos are important to watch for all fans all over the world, with what kind of mindset were you filming ‘Boom’ MV? There’s nothing in particular. I just had to make it cool, other than that there wasn’t anything. When I saw the result I liked it very much. I was satisfied. (laughs) I was shooting it thinking that we have to show the fans a grown up image of us. A cute side, a cool side, I wanted to showcase various sides of us.

When you’re young there’s a lot of people you envy, what do you think is your weakness? There are people who look at me like I’m a baby. Of course if you follow the looks I could be a baby but… (laughs) I don’t think I am, but since they see me as a kid…

Various personalities being in harmony is the team's charm, what do you think is the colour you’re personally in charge? Still in charge of being cute it seems. Instead of doing aegyo on purpose I’m the cutest when I’m just being a free Chenle I think. (laughs) Jisung can’t do aegyo either but sometimes he’s cute when he does little things. It’s hard to explain but he’s similar to me there usually just is a cute feeling. Haechan hyung and Jaemin hyung are the true masters of aegyo.

You grew up in Shanghai. Do you have any memories from around that time? Traveling with my mom whenever there was a break. I like traveling with my mom, Hainan was really nice. Especially in winter when it’s warm so you can go there even if it’s cold, it’s nice to go in the summer too. The seafood is really tasty too.

When watching you on youtube it feels like you’re progressing in Korean everyday. It must’ve been hard. I think learning a language is one of the hardest things. But I think you can do everything if you got the courage. At first when I was learning Korean I was talking to Jisung a lot and that really became a huge help to me. I’d say whatever and because me and Jisung were close he’d just know what I was trying to say. He’d tell me if I was wrong and that way I’ve improved so much. Jisung was my Korean teacher and Renjun hyung was always good at Korean so he translated for me. If I didn’t know something I’d just ask hyung and then I’d practice with Jisung… (laughs) When it comes to languages people around you are really important I feel.

You’re the member with a beautiful voice tone, what kind of a vocalist would you like to become? I want to make people feel comfortable when they listen to me sing, I’d like to heal. In the bridge part of Boom the lyrics have a feeling of growth, how does it feel when you sing it? I wanted to tell our fans how much I’ve grown and I just sing it like that.

JISUNG

Is there any childhood dream you had that came true? Debuting. Then when I debuted conquering the world through performances and having half of the world know my or my team's name became my next dream and I’m going to work even harder to make it come true.

What does the word ‘dream’ remind you of? Hope.

What’s your favourite thing about <Boom>? I like the lyrics. More than anything they capture our growth so that’s what I like. Especially in ‘Boom’, ‘The dancing child with an innocent face now smiles and sets your heart on fire’ is a part that I like the most.

You have tried participating in the lyric writing process this time. With what kind of mindset and what did you write about? I took part in writing lyrics for ‘Bye My First’ and ‘Best Friend’. As usual I kept trying my best. Since it’s our album we had to write lyrics that are relatable, and it’s also more comfortable for us to sing later on. Since I’ve never been in love I was imagining a drama in my head while writing the lyrics. Usually, I take a lot of notes on my phone too.

You’ve already established yourself as a member who’s great at dancing, but in this album your vocals have a greater presence. What were you trying to showcase? To be honest from a long time ago I have had the greed (to sing) so I tried my absolute best. It was really nerve wrecking. It’s my first time doing so many vocal parts on an album. Before I’d focus on dancing only, but because I want to become an all-rounder artist that’s good at everything, lately I’ve been looking into rap, dancing and singing a lot.

Soon it will be 3 years since your debut. What has changed during those 3 years? First of all I’ve grown inside, but also changed on the outside a lot too I think, it feels like I’ve become a bit tougher.

When did you realise you’re tougher? I feel it in every situation. I think I was more self-centered back in the day, these days I’m a bit more mature. I’m trying to figure out what’s the right way to do things.

You guys are such a cool team, seems like you must’ve spent a lot of time practicing, what’s the practice room like for Jisung? Like a research room. The practice room is where I am able to look into my dancing and singing, but if you look at the practice itself it’s also frustrating, like why isn’t my dancing improving? In that sense it’s stimulating me more to push myself to develop. Isn’t that the craving for success? (laughs)

NCT DREAM has debuted as the teenage team, what does being 20 mean? I think that the age really doesn’t matter. With age I think rather than listening to compliments you go with the mindset of just having to do well.

What kind of a person do you want to become in the future? A hero who gives strength to many people, especially those who’ve been hurt. This really is who I want to be.

When you’re young there’s a lot of people you envy, what do you think is your weakness? I’m young so I can still be shaped, I think only our team has a colour that can still be shaped. A weakness of mine is that I haven’t experienced much so I’m easily swayed by words of other people.

What do you think about on the stage? When I get on the stage there’s nothing in particular I think of, I focus on the stage only. If I had different thoughts come up it’s like the performance is over. If the stage isn’t satisfying then it’s not as good as I thought it would be, I don’t think about anything other than that.

You’ve been dancing solo a lot before, what points do you take into consideration? The dynamics. The mood of the solo dance is always changing. So if the group dance is strong and the solo dance is strong as well, I think there’s no balance. If it has to be intense then it shouldn’t be similar.

NCT DREAM has of course done stages with multiple people like ‘Black on Black’. How is that different in terms of dancing? When I’m dancing alone I get to think of the song vibe, the rhythm and expressions but when it’s a team dance there’s of course a lot more talking involved I think. We share our thoughts with each other a lot. Solo dance looks cool but with numerous people knife-sharp choreographies it’s really impressive too. I always try to stand out on stage. Not just me, all of our members.

In that case what’s the secret (to stand out)? It’s the hair. (laughs) You can’t move your fingers the way you move your hair, for me I think the hair really is the charming point. It’s so beautiful and soft. We have bones in our bodies so we can’t help the angles, but when the hair just moves with the flow of the air it’s really beautiful.

Do you have a dance role model? I don’t think we should just pick that one person and try to become like them because there’s so many people who are good. Whenever I look at Kai hyung he’s always admirable and it makes me self reflect a lot too. One day I’d like for people to think of me as the dance god, the end of dancing. I’ll have to practice a lot.

What dance are you into lately? Before I was only into strong dances and these days I like strong too but when stretching I’m trying to adjust the balance dynamics a lot. It’s not about the difference in strength but the difference between lines.

September is the start of Autumn, is there a season you like? I like them all but I kinda hate summer a little, there’s too many bugs at this time.

What are you thinking about a lot these days? Fans liking this album a lot. I think a lot about having to do even better next time and repaying them the most.

Translation: Alex, Esmee @ FY! NCT (NCTINFO) | Source: Allure Scans — Do not repost or take out without our permission!

#NCT #NCT Dream #renjun #jeno #haechan #jaemin #chenle #jisung #t:trans #t:interview #Allure #Allure: September 2019

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prettywordsyouleft · 5 years ago

Text

Sage

Summary: Chanyeol had gone to the extremes of warding off the spirit living in his new apartment. What he wasn’t ready for was just how adamant you were to stay.

Pairing: Park Chanyeol x reader

Genre: ghost au / fluff

Warnings: none

A/N: Welcome to the first story in this week’s Haunted theme! This scenario is part of the Frightful October series this month. For more stories in this series, please check the Masterlist below.

Word count: 2674

[Frightful October Masterlist]

Throwing the blankets over his head, Chanyeol hoped this would muffle out the sounds around his apartment. It was fruitless; ever since he had bought his home there had been no way to get a decent night’s sleep. The pattering of feet across the tiles, the opening and shutting of doors, the humming - it would go on all night long.

Chanyeol would be more understanding if he had a roommate. Or a pet that was allowed to roam freely around the home. Yet he had neither. It was just him in this brand new apartment.

Oh, and a ghost too.

He had figured the place was haunted about two weeks into living here. He had eliminated all the more obvious conclusions, making sure the doors and windows were latched closed before going to sleep, checking in to see if there was any possibility of an infestation of some kind, asking neighbours on the floor above if they were up late at night, and even replacing brand new light bulbs and batteries in appliances - you name it.

You know, the more plausible reasons for noises around his home. Everything was new for a reason, and he was beyond exhausted from trying to rack his brain for an answer.

It was from this sheer exhaustion that he found the cause of his night time interruptions. Now desperate, he threw his arms out and shoved the blanket off of his head, whining unattractively due to his lack of slumber. Eyes wide yet miserable, he stared at the ceiling in distaste. “I just want to sleep, would you stop it?!”

He hadn’t been this frustrated with his wording when he first figured it out. Instead, he had been tentative, almost chiding his sleep-deprived brain for even entertaining the idea. And yet, Chanyeol had sat up in his bed, chewing his bottom lip hesitantly before uttering the pressing question. “Is someone there? Knock three times if you are.”

A knock happened as soon as he was silent. Ears listening, a second and third soon followed and he had screamed, leaping up and running out of his apartment, going over to Baekhyun’s in the neighbouring complex and refusing to come back until the morning sun dispelled any chance of shadows.

He had spent more than enough time hiding out in his friend’s apartment that the purchase of his new home seemed pointless. And it was with that mindset that he was back, now annoyed more than anything else. How dare a spirit come and make themselves at home in his newly built apartment! He had worked all too hard for this place, and he wasn’t prepared to give up without a fight.

The noise only stopped momentarily, perhaps now listening for what he would do next. Instead of the usual humming or running around out there, his mouth fell apart at what he heard now.

A melodic laugh.

His unwanted guest was now mocking him.

Chanyeol managed to get some sleep into the early hours of the morning, though it wasn’t nearly enough to start his day out with. Even with copious cups of coffee, he was unable to be as productive as he hoped to be at work. Though he was definitely wired on his way home. This didn’t come from the coffee, however, but from what he planned to do.

He wouldn’t allow his haunting spirit to continue driving him out. After all, they didn’t pay rent or even respect his much-needed hours of rest. So he would get them to leave instead.

Unlocking the door and stepping inside, he walked over to his kitchen countertop, placing down his bags of supplies. For some reason, perhaps because he had established he wasn’t living here alone, he knew he was in the company of his unwanted guest immediately and smiled brightly.

“Time to make this place spirit-free,” he proclaimed confidently, feeling somewhat manic with how excited he was to try all the things he had read online to do.

First, he took to sprinkling salt along the windowsills, ensuring to even do so in his spare bedroom. He then lit an incense stick he had picked up from the store he had gone to for advice after finding out about their services online in his Google search of warding off evil spirits. The clerk had also suggested some cleansing crystals and Chanyeol placed them around his apartment, hoping he had chosen the best spaces to do so. Admittedly, he was feeling a little out of his depth now. Although he had been actively soaking up the advice he received and was willing to do anything, when he got to the final element of lighting up a bunch of sage to smudge around the apartment, his confidence faltered a little. Why was he even doing this? He felt stupid, waving it around now with less enthusiasm. Desperation had led him to this point, but now he wondered if he was just going crazy instead. That there was no spirit keeping him up at night, just an overactive imagination. He was easily frightened, so had he simply scared himself into believing someone was there? That the knocks were something he so badly wanted to hear irrationally or not that he had conjured them himself? Chanyeol grew confused, holding onto the sage mid-air and zoned out with his problematic thoughts.

“Careful,” someone said, and he blinked softly, head tilting towards the warning. “You might burn yourself.”

Shrieking in realisation, Chanyeol pointed the bunch at the apparition before he passed out from the shock.

When he came around, you were staring back at him, your expression concerned. He blinked slowly, wondering if he was actually awake or not. In the evening light, you didn’t look scary at all. Your long tresses fell around you like a halo, and your smile made you seem kind, approachable. Your hand was on his gently and you knelt beside him, knees against his waist.

It was then he realised just how cold he was.

“You’re not real,” he murmured and you pouted sadly, your smile evaporating.

“That’s not very nice to say to someone who’s sat beside you all this time. You hit your head pretty hard when you fell. Do you know how hard it was for me to drag this pillow over here for you to rest upon?”

He glanced to the edge of the pillow his head was now placed on and then chuckled. “If I hit my head, then you’re definitely not real.”

“Yet you acknowledge my existence every night,” you retorted, your cherry coloured lips now pursing together with amusement. “You’re a hard human to please.”

Slowly sitting up, Chanyeol glanced at you properly. He noticed the aura of light surrounding you, that along with the coldness of your touch, distinguished you from the living. You were his problematic guest.

He had to admit, he hadn’t expected you to be so beautiful.

“What were you even attempting to do? Are you foolish? It looks like you were tricked into buying a whole lot of unnecessary stuff.”

“I’m trying to get rid of you,” he breathed heavily, and you snorted which irked him immensely. Beautiful or not, if you were the spirit causing him to miss out on sleep, he needed you to leave peacefully.

“Well, you’ve gone about this all in the wrong way,” you told him thoughtfully, pointing to the windowsill. “Salt?”

“It keeps evil spirits out.”

You nodded whilst smiling. “It also keeps whatever is already inside here. Shouldn’t you put that up when I’m gone? That being, if I was actually evil.”

He didn’t answer you, though you did smile wickedly with that last part. You then moved over to one of the smoky quartz stones on his bookcase and admired it.

“That works against negative energies,” he explained and you grinned.

“Hopefully yours will ease up then,” you remarked with a giggle and he gaped at you, connecting it to the one he had heard last night. You turned to Chanyeol, still smiling. “It’s really pretty though. Is that Frankincense?”

He nodded, albeit weakly. You seemed well-versed in these wards.

“And finally the sage,” you announced, picking up the bundle he had once held. He stared at the floor where it still remained, or at least a bundle did. You admired the one in your hand and then held it out towards him. “I really love sage. It reminds me of my Grandmother. Did the lady at the store tell you all this would get rid of me?”

Chanyeol rubbed at his temples and groaned. “Shouldn’t it?”

“Sure, if I was a bad spirit. But I’m not so it doesn’t affect me. Well, the salt does. It means I’m trapped here, with you. Spirits can’t cross over it after all.”

“You’re not bad?”

You shook your head adamantly. “Do I look evil?”

“You look beautiful,” he breathed, ears now turning pink. Chanyeol then shook off his daze. “Which could be a trap.”

“If I was evil, would I really bother myself with something so trivial as enjoying a home? It was so cold on this lot until they built us a new place.”

“Us?” he repeated and you nodded. “There’s more of you?”

“Well, not in this apartment. This is where my home was once. But Old Maggie is down the hall and Frank is up two floors. There’s even a whole family downstairs!”

Chanyeol vaguely remembered the rumour that a fire had happened here ten years ago. He hadn’t lived in this city then, and there was an overwhelming hush whenever it was raised between residents. He realised now that his new home was once someone else’s. You nodded dramatically. “That’s right! You’re actually a guest in my home. Or maybe, we’re roommates. I like that. In fact, I’ve been using your spare room. It’s nice and quiet in there.”

He snorted at your preference for peace. “It’s not quiet for me.”

“About that,” you eased into it, becoming apologetic. “I’m not quite used to living with someone else. I tend to be a night owl, even when I was alive.”

“You’re telling me, you’re not being a nuisance on purpose but out of habit?”

Clasping your hands together you laughed awkwardly.” Originally, yes.”

“But…”

“Now, I’ve been a little wicked. It’s just that you’re so adorable when you get annoyed! You puff up your cheeks and look much like a child. It’s rather amusing given how tall you are, Chanyeol.”

He wasn’t even ready to question how you knew his name and left it down to being a ghost. You smirked at his avoidance and waited for him to continue. “You’re teasing me on purpose?”

“Well, you asked if I was there and I told you I was. And then you left. You know, it was rather rude of you. I was hoping we could have a proper introduction and-”

“But you’re a ghost and I’m... and I think I’m going insane.”

“I’m Y/N,” you announced brightly, holding out your hand. “An introduction is better late than never. And I doubt you’re going insane, though perhaps if the shoe was on the other foot and I found a handsome stranger in my home, I would question my sanity as well.”

Chanyeol glanced around the room, wondering whether he should laugh or cry. Instead, he got up and made his way down the hallway to his bedroom, climbing under his blankets. You had followed him precariously, your face riddled with worry as he moved around after hitting his head. Before he closed his eyes, he gave you a stern look. “I want to sleep without any interruptions. Can you do that?”

“I no longer need to prove my existence to you so you won’t have to worry about that. When you wake up, you won’t ignore me, will you?”

Chanyeol smiled, nodding in agreement before closing his eyes.

He hoped this was all a dream.

When he woke up the following morning, Chanyeol felt well-rested. He hadn’t stirred to anything overnight and the house was still silent even now. Smiling, he sat up and admired his bedroom and the morning light infiltrating through the blinds. He was certain you were gone. A beautiful nightmare that had now left and allowed the sun to shine through into his life. He rejoiced with a long stretch before getting out of bed, padding over to the door and across into his bathroom. Washing the sleep off his face, he then looked up into the mirror, smiling happily to himself.

“Someone had a good night’s sleep,” you enthused and he shrieked, dropping the razor he had just picked up from the counter. Spinning around, he found you grinning at him in the doorway. “Or the crystals are working well on levelling out the negativity in your mood.”

“You’re still here?!”

You nodded, now offended. “I held up my part of the deal, now you have to adhere to yours. Acknowledging my existence matters to me.”

“Y/N,” he called and you smiled all too happily, stunning him with how lovely you appeared. Shaking off his stupor, he then sighed. “You can’t live here with me.”

“Why not?”

“Well, shouldn’t you be moving on or something like they show in the movies?”

You shrugged. “I’ve tried that but it looks like I’m Earthbound. I don’t mind it, really.”

“Well, I do.”

You fell silent, and Chanyeol was surprised by how guilty he felt. Turning, he reached out for you on instinct, his hand brushing through you and feeling a drop in temperature. He sighed. You stared at him, unblinking and took in a shaky breath. “Try again.”

“Try… touching?” he questioned and you nodded feebly, balling your hands up as if it would give you the might for him to connect with you. Now feeling sheepish at trying to touch a spirit, he attempted again half-heartedly, gasping noisily when he actually caught your arm. “Wait, how... can I do this?”

“I’m not sure really, but I don’t like it when people go through me. It makes me miserable. I’ll try to be quiet at night as long as you accept me here during the day.”

“Well…” he started, your gaze now pleading with him. It was ironic how far he had come in such a short span of time to now be considering the feelings of someone who had been such a nuisance to him all this time. Knowing the reason why softened his heart some and he nodded without too much thought. “We’re roommates?”

You reached out rapidly for his hand and shook it much to his disbelief. “Oh, I’m so glad you accept me! We shall be the best of roommates! I promise I’m not all trouble! I like to clean and will try my best to help you out, although it does take a lot of effort for me to reach into your realm. Much more than you reaching into mine!”

He stared back at you dumbfounded, trying to take it all in. How you could exist, how he could see you now. How you had the ability to pick up copies of things in his home and they still sat where he left them. It was confusing the longer he thought about it.

Your hand connected coolly with his cheek then and you smiled brightly at him. “Let’s just take it slow, shall we?”

“Slow would be good,” Chanyeol agreed, his heart thumping with your hand on his face. He started to worry that since he had entertained the idea of sharing his home with his now-friendly ghost that he would accept the more obvious attraction he had for you as well.

Taking in a deep breath as you prattled on about leaving him to shave and do manly things in peace, Chanyeol nodded to himself.

He’d take one day at a time. And if you liked the sage, well, you couldn’t be all that bad.

Perhaps he would find some good from your haunting after all.

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ladywithoutababy · 4 years ago

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IVF Transfer #1: 25 weeks, 2 days pregnant

I’ve been wrestling with whether or not to post pregnancy updates here since I very much wanted this to stay a fertility blog and not a pregnancy blog, but some things have happened over the past few weeks that seem worth sharing. My goal from the beginning of this has always been to talk about what happens when you’re going through fertility treatments, to better prepare others for it (the way I wish I’d had a heads up), and it turns out that the fertility process doesn’t just end when your transferred embryo sticks.

I spent the entire first trimester terrified of a miscarriage, especially since I didn’t have any morning sickness. (I did have extreme fatigue, but that can be – as with everything else in this journey – either a sign that things are going well or that they’re going badly.) Once I got into the second trimester and my fatigue evaporated, I had constant anxiety that the baby was just going to be, I don’t know, gone the next time the doctors checked. I wasn’t showing, I didn’t have any symptoms, I couldn’t feel kicks or anything, and my brain started convincing me that it was more likely that all the other evidence had been wrong or staged in a conspiracy or something than that I’d actually managed to get pregnant.

Throughout this whole thing, everyone I knew was either having a baby, having a miscarriage, or going through their own fertility treatments. You start to feel like a crazy person – like once you’re in it it’s all you see and hear about, but no one else in the world seems to be noticing or acknowledging it. It didn’t help – I know this sounds stupid, but it’s true – that four women from Vanderpump Rules all got pregnant, too. I remember the first one (Stassi) got pregnant before I did, and I experienced her pregnancy announcement the same way I used to with all of them: it made me sad, and angry, and it made me feel personally attacked and hurt. I don’t know Stassi. I don’t know what she’s been through, you never do. But on social media, and especially with celebrities, it always seems like everyone else’s journey is so easy and so carefree. When the other three (within weeks of each other!) announced one after the other that they were all expecting, too, I was in my second trimester and felt like, ok, maybe this baby I’m having is real and I can just be happy for other people. But it was still hard. One of them (Brittany) announced her pregnancy at 11 weeks. ELEVEN! I’m 25 weeks and still haven’t announced mine publicly because I’m afraid of something going wrong. I can’t even imagine having that level of confidence, that everything is just going to work out okay. My point is, coming through IVF and infertility challenges, you never really shake off the fear, even when things seem like they’re all going well.

So you can imagine how it feels when things start to not go well.

I got brave enough to tell my coworkers about the pregnancy around 14 weeks (once I felt safely in the second trimester); it helped that I have a close coworker who’s also pregnant and we were able to do it together. But that was my first experience with telling anyone other than close friends and family, and I immediately felt like... a fraud. I don’t know. Everyone started telling me how happy they were for me and sending me pregnancy advice and asking what I’m going to do for maternity leave, and my instinct was to be like, guys, don’t worry, I’m not actually going to end up with a baby at the end of this.

We had our anatomy scan at 20 weeks (where they inspect every part of the baby through an ultrasound and let you know if everything looks normal), and on our way to the doctor’s office I was so nervous I almost threw up in the car. I still wasn’t feeling any kicks yet, which didn’t help (most people start feeling them around 18-19 weeks, some even earlier). It went great – the ultrasound tech kept telling us everything looked great, perfect, normal, and the doctor who I saw afterwards confirmed. But then I got a voicemail from her a couple days later saying she wanted to “discuss something from my scan”. It took about a day for me to get her back on the phone – probably one of the longest, most excruciating days of my life. I tried not to worry but also tried to prepare myself for bad news. It turned out that the issue was that they didn’t get a clear enough photo of his brain, which she reassured me was no reason to worry, there was no indication anything was wrong, they just needed to make SURE nothing was wrong. So of course I spent the week or two leading up to the follow-up anatomy scan convinced that something was wrong. And it turns out nothing was wrong. So that’s good.

I got a blood test measuring my AFP (Alpha-fetoprotein, idk) soon after, around 22.5 weeks; they’d told me I needed to take it before 23 weeks. When I went in for my next doctor’s appointment, I got my favorite midwife and was making small talk and jokes with her when she came into the room. She politely laughed at my jokes and then abruptly switched gears, saying “I want to cut to the chase.” She told me that my AFP had come back abnormally high and flagged positive for spina bifida, but also added that this test can often result in false positives, especially if you’re over 30 or if you get your blood test done too close to the end of the window. (Why, then, do they tell you you have until 23 weeks? I do not know.) I said ok, and I guess I didn’t seem upset enough, because she said “I need you to repeat back to me what you just heard.” And then I started crying, because that made it clear this was serious and potentially very bad information.

They referred me to a specialist (”where we send all the complicated cases,” they told me) for yet another anatomy scan, which I had yesterday. My husband and I had completely convinced ourselves that we were going to get confirmation of bad news, and I was back in the old crazy mindset of trying not to worry but also trying to prepare myself: for the news, for what this would mean for our lives, for our baby’s life. My midwife had made me promise her not to google anything, so I didn’t really have a clear picture of what this diagnosis would mean, but my imagination made up for it. Long story short, everything (including his spine) looked ok to the ultrasound tech and the specialist doctor. The doctor still seemed a little mystified by my high AFP (mine was 5-something, and anything over 2 or 3 apparently can be an indicator of a problem), and wasn’t willing to tell us that everything is definitely fine, but repeatedly and clearly stated that he wasn’t concerned. We’re going to go back to them in a month to make sure everything still looks normal.

If you get a high AFP blood test result, I guess you can be reassured by this stat I found:

For every 1000 pregnant women tested, about 50 may have abnormal test results. Of these 50, just 1 or 2 with high AFP levels have babies with problems.

So, I don’t know, that’s what we’ve been up to. I keep waiting to feel confident enough that this baby will be real before I make a big public announcement and let everyone know. It’s very different from how I always imagined, where as soon as you get a positive pregnancy test result, you start painting the nursery. (We’ve actually decided to not even start on the nursery until after the baby is born – they sleep in your bedroom for the first few months anyway! People are crazy!)

But. I’ve got a nice round belly at this point that makes things feel more real. I like that strangers can tell that I’m pregnant without me having to tell them. I’m also feeling kicks very regularly (it’s wild – just constant), and my husband can not only feel them from the outside at this point but as of yesterday can sometimes SEE them happening when my belly moves. We have a name picked out (!), although we never say it out loud or refer to the baby by it, I guess because we’re afraid of jinxing his existence. We’ve seen his face on ultrasounds a few times now, and he looks like he’s going to be cute (phew). I’ve started giving myself the very occasional luxury of actually picturing what he’ll be like, and what we’ll all be like together. I’m trying not to worry too much, and to be clear, when I’m not worried, I really, really like being pregnant and I feel incredibly lucky and grateful to even be in the position to get to worry.

Anyway, I just wanted to share this update in case someone else out there is feeling exhausted by the constant stream of scary unknowns, or feeling guilty about not being able to fully “enjoy” their pregnancy because they’re so worried all the time. I don’t have any advice if you’re feeling either of these things, just want you to know you’re not alone.

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itsclydebitches · 5 years ago

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It Chapter Two: Aged-Up Protagonists and the Umbridge Effect

Writing reviews, metas, and the like is a lot about timing. If you don’t craft your writing in the immediate aftermath of your source’s release, someone else will beat you to it and, chances are, your audience will be less enthused about reading the same arguments weeks later. (Admittedly, that’s up for debate. I for one am happy to read about the same shit for years on end.) Thus, when I didn’t have the time or the mental energy to write about It: Chapter Two immediately after seeing it in theaters, I knew within a few days that I’d lost a lot of ground. Fans and critics alike have already spoken about the film’s major draws, namely the update on Richie’s sexuality and the canonizing of a beloved, thirty-year-old ship. We’ve also covered the issues that arose out of those positives. In 2019, is it necessary to show a hate crime in such violent detail? By giving us queer characters, have Muschietti and King unintentionally fallen into the trap of treating them badly? One is dead and the other mourns while the straight couple passionately kiss beneath the lake. Faithful adaptation vs. modern activism is a tricky balance to strike. I could rehash all those arguments here, but why bother? They’ve been articulated better by others already. Besides, falling behind means that I now have the space to discuss something just as important to me.

The Losers’ ages.

Now, I’m not sure if you all have noticed, but fantasy adventures aren’t really geared towards adults. That is to say, stories often contain adult content, but that’s not the same thing as putting adults at the center of the narrative. I’ve experienced a niggling sense of displeasure that’s grown stronger with each passing year and it took until my mid-twenties to figure out what it was: I am no longer the hero of many of my favorite stories. Because I’ve grown up. Harry Potter is concerned primarily with the trials and tribulations of characters between the ages of eleven and eighteen. If we return to that world---such as through a certain cursed play---the focus must shift to the new, shiny generation. Anyone who falls through a wardrobe is bound to be a child and if they dare grow up? They’re no longer allowed access to such a fantastic place. Kids are the ones who find the Hundred Acre Woods, or fall down rabbit holes, get daemons, battle Other Mothers when the world gets flipped, or head off onto all sorts of elementary and high school adventures. Sometimes, even those who are adults mistakenly get caught up in this trend. Frodo might be in his fifties, but as a small, kindly hobbit he comes across as younger than the rest of the Fellowship. Since the release of Jackson’s trilogy I’ve corrected more than one new fan who assumed (somewhat logically) that he is in his early twenties, max. It’s an easy mistake to make when we’ve grown accustomed to children and young adults taking center stage in so many��fantastic, high-profile adventures.

Of course, there are plenty of counters to this feeling. Just look at Game of Thrones. Though we see much of the story through younger perspectives---such as the Stark siblings---the vast majority of the cast is made up of adults, playing just as pivotal a role as the up-and-comers. Fantasy, Science Fiction, and other speculative story-lines are by no means solely in the hands of minors, yet I think it’s also worth acknowledging that a good majority of those stories do shape our media landscape. Or, if they’re not strictly minors, they’re characters who embody a sort of static young adulthood, the Winchesters and the Shadowhunters and all the television superheroes who might gesture towards markers of adulthood---we have long term relationships, hold down jobs, can impersonate FBI agents without anyone batting an eye---yet are still able to maintain a nebulous form of youth. They all (try to) look and act as if they’re right out of college. The standards of film and television demand that actors appear twenty-years-old even when they’re pushing forty, and the standards of much literature insists that twenty is simply too old for an adventure, period. I can still clearly recall two moments of shock (later agreed upon by my friends) when I encountered unexpectedly older protagonists in genre fiction: the realization that Sophie actually spends the majority of Howl’s Moving Castle as a very old woman and that The Magicians takes place in graduate school. “Wow,” I remember thinking. “When’s the last time that happened?”

What does all this have to do with It: Chapter Two? I don’t have any big twist for you here. It was just really refreshing to see such a fantastical story where our cast is all forty or older. Seriously, can we take a moment to appreciate exactly how much King undermined expectations there? The first half of the novel is structured precisely how we assume it ‘should’ be. There’s a mysterious threat, there are children caught up in the middle of it, and ultimately only they are capable of saving the day. We know this story. We even have the characterization of the town itself to reinforce this structure, a place so warped by evil that only the very young with their open-mindedness and imagination are capable of seeing Derry for what it truly is, illustrated beautifully in the film by Mr. Marsh straight up not noticing a whole room full of blood.

Though they’re It’s prey, children are also the only ones who have any potential power over him. You have to be able to acknowledge a problem in order to fix it and King could have easily ended his story at the first chapter alone, with the group somehow managing to defeat Pennywise for good the first time they set foot in the sewers. A part of me is still shocked he didn’t, if only because the young savior as an archetype was embedded within Western culture far earlier than It’s 1986 publication. From Carrie to The Girl Who Loved Tom Gordon, Pet Sematary to Firestarter, King is no stranger to putting children at the center of fantastic tales. Yet he’s also given us numerous adult protagonists, managing to find an enjoyable balance between the two, both within individual novels and his entire corpus. It represents that balance, not just imagining a story where seven (yes, I’m counting Stan) middle-age adults manage to finally save their town, but actually setting up a twenty-seven year jump to allow for that. It's the best of both worlds, exploring the difficulties inherent in both childhood and adulthood, arguing that we need each---that imagination and that experience---if we hope to come out alive.

While watching It: Chapter Two I took note of how many people laughed throughout the film, and not just at the moments set up to be funny (looking at you, Richie). Rather, the film that two years ago had scared the pants off of movie-goers now entertained them in a much more relaxed manner. No one was hiding behind their popcorn; there were no shrieks of fright. I’ve seen more than one reviewer express displeasure at this change. What the hell happened? Isn’t an It film supposed to be scary? Well, yes and no. I think what a lot of people miss is how providing us with an adult cast inherently changes the way fear manifests, both literally in the case of Pennywise’s illusions and thematically in regards to the film itself. This sloppy bitch, as established, preys on children. His tricks have the illogical, fantastical veneer that reflect how children see the world: you’re scared of women with horrifically elongated faces, zombie-like lepers, and hungry mummies. They’re literal monsters emerging out from under the bed. Of course, as adults watching the story we’re easily able to see how these monsters represent much deeper, intangible fears: growing up and disappointing your father, falling ill like your mother always claims you will (to say nothing of contracting AIDS in connection with a budding queer identity), and the danger that comes with being alone and ostracized. Sometimes It: Chapter One gestures more firmly towards those underlying fears---such as the burnt hands reaching for Mike when we know his family died in a fire---but only once does it make the real horror overt, when Pennywise takes Mr. Marsh’s face and asks Bev if she's still his little girl.

Outside of pedophilia and sexual abuse, Chapter One’s real horror is mostly coded, symbolic, left up to (admittedly rather obvious at times) interpretation. It’s just under the surface and we’re meant to be distracted by the fact that, allegorical or not, there’s still a very creepy thing hunting our protagonists from the shadows. For two hours we take on a child’s perspective, biting our nails at all the things we once imagined hid inside our closets. We’re scared because they’re scared.

That mindset irrevocably changes once your group grows up. Forty-year-olds simply don’t freak out in the same way a bunch of thirteen-year-olds would, especially now that they know precisely what’s happening and have the mental fortitude to combat it. At least to an extent. Chapter Two isn’t as traditionally scary for the simple reason that the film now acknowledges what all adults eventually must: there’s nothing in the closet, there’s nothing hiding under your bed. Or if there is, it’s something tangible that can be handled with a calm(ish) demeanor and a well-placed ax. An adult might scream when something jumps out at them, but they’re not as inclined to cower. Adults might still be scared, but they’re better able to push that fear aside in order to take action. The group first reached that point in the sewers--- “Welcome to the Losers’ club, asshole!”---and now fully embodies that mindset with nearly three decades of growth and experience to draw on. This is why Ben investigating the library as a teen reads as teeth-chatteringly scary, but Ben and Bill as adults investigating the skateboard produces only a comment about how they're getting used to this nonsense. They know, and we as the audience know, what the real threat is and whether or not we need to shield our eyes when something starts clunking its way down the stairs.

All of which isn’t to say that Chapter Two isn’t scary. It’s simply scary in a much more realistic manner, killer clowns and Native American rituals aside. The fears have been aged-up along with the cast, stripping away the child-like fantasies that made us wet our pants in Chapter One. What’s the scariest moment outside of the jump scares? When two men and a kid beat a gay man and then chuck him in the river to drown. You’ll note that, unlike in the first film, Pennywise doesn’t actually have to do much work here. Seasoning people up with fear? The rest of the world is doing that for him. That first scene detailing a truly horrific hate crime (which, by the way, is based off of true events) results in a meal delivered straight to Pennywise’s arms. It’s people who targeted that couple, beat one of them within an inch of his life, and then tossed him over a bridge, bleeding and shrieking for help. All Pennywise had to do was scoop him from the water and take that first bite. He’s incidental to the film’s most cringe-worthy scene. We can argue all we want about how it’s Pennywise’s influence that “makes” the town this way, but any queer viewer knows that's simply not the case. In 2019 we're still living this horror, no Pennywise required.

Likewise, the two children we see murdered are much more overtly grappling with fears that have nothing to do with fantastical monsters. Dean, the little boy Bill tries to save in lieu of Georgie, is rightly petrified because a seemingly crazy adult is now stalking him. We as the audience know that Bill is just trying to help----that he’s not the real danger here----but that’s not the perspective this kid has, nor is it the issue the film is grappling with. We first see him approaching an idol of his, Richie, and instead of an enjoyable experience he winds up getting yelled at. The It films are only tangentially interested in the status of fans and their relationship with celebrities, but we know it’s a common theme for King’s work overall. Look at Misery and look at this cameo: a disenchanted fan of the 21st century, criticizing a writer’s novel and leveraging him for money. “You can afford it,” he tells Bill, swindling him simply because he can. The context of this little boy as a fan and Richie as the older, bigger, larger-than-life comedian adds another layer to the interaction. It’s not just an adult verbally attacking a child, it’s an adult this kid worshiped enough to recognize and quote his material from memory. Who easily walks away from that?

This little boy then finds Bill shrieking at a sewer opening, is manhandled by him, and told in the scariest way possible, born of Bill’s own fear, that he has to get out of dodge, fast. There are scary things out there, Dean freely admits that he’s heard kids’ voices coming from the tub drain, but right now the scariest thing is how badly the adults in his life are failing him: parents (from what little we can gather) are distant, his comedic idol is mean, and now this stranger is traumatizing him in the middle of the street. Once again, it’s easy to see how Pennywise isn’t needed to sow fear or even enact cruelty; he’s not a requirement for horrible things in the world, he’s merely their reflection. We see the same setup with the little girl under the bleachers. That scene demonstrates precisely how not scary Pennywise is. Here’s this child putting aside her discomfort over his looks and agreeing to be his friend. What’s worse than a clown with a creepy expression? The knowledge that all the other kids have already rejected you because of a birthmark on your face. Bullying is the far greater threat and one we’re 100% more likely to deal with in our lives than a killer clown, so the second film re-frames Pennywise to better acknowledge this. He’s scary because things like bullying and neglect exist to give him an easy in. He’s even scary because in this moment, hiding under the bleachers, manipulating this little girl, he’s fully embodying a child predator. Chapter One was a primal, “There’s a monster hiding in the shadows” kind of fear. Chapter Two is a, “We’re all going to die from climate change” kind of fear. Logical and largely inescapable. Characters like Richie don't need Pennywise to take some fantastic form to scare him. Homophobia has already done all the work.

Ultimately, I think of this as the Umbridge Effect. Who’s the most hated character in the Harry Potter franchise? I’ll give you a hint, it’s not the Dark Lord responsible for two wars, attempted genocide, and the death of our title character.

We despise Umbridge because she’s real. She’s relatable. She’s grounded in a way that Voldemort could never hope to be. We have no fear that an all-powerful sorcerer is suddenly going to come out of the woodwork and attempt to enslave and/or eradicate everyone without magic. That’s just not on our list of things to worry about. A corrupt politician, however? An instructor who uses her power to emotionally and physically torture students, getting away with it because of a cutesy, hyper-feminine persona? We’ve seen stuff like that. We’ve lived it. Umbridge represents all the real wrongs in the world when it comes to bigotry and privilege. Therefore we hate her---we fear her---in a way we could never hate or fear Voldemort. Now, in It: Chapter Two, Pennywise is the new Voldemort. Is an alien clown with an unhinged jaw and three rows of teeth technically scary? Sure, but it doesn’t hold a candle to the real problems that plague the cast: abuse, anxiety, depression, suicidal ideation, the fear that someone will hurt or outright kill you over some part of your identity. These are things we continue to fear long after the credits roll and the lights come up, and they’re now barely coded in the story:

It occurred to me halfway through my viewing that the people laughing at the characters’ new plights were the same ones who didn’t flinch when a gay man’s head cracked into the pavement. I had both hands over my mouth during that scene and I wasn’t snickering whenever Eddie had a panic attack, or Ben’s self-confidence took a hit. Because those moments, like our opening, hit pretty close to home for me; I didn’t find them embarrassingly humorous in the way much of my theater did. So many reviews in the last two months have insisted that Chapter Two isn't scary, but I think that depends entirely on whether or not you're struggling with these now explicit threats. We're not dealing with mummies and creepy portraits anymore. Instead, tell me how you feel about holding your partner's hand in public. Do certain memories make you vomit? Or freeze? Consider heading upstairs to the bath? The horror is dependent on how the audience views Bill's stutter coming back, or the bruises on Bev's arms.

The cast grew up. It’s a fantastic twist. It also means that the horror needed to grow up with them, resulting in a film that could no longer function as a simple, scary clown movie. Our ending reminds us of that. When did people laugh the loudest? When the Losers’ club was bullying Pennywise into something vulnerable. And yeah, I get it. It’s a cheesy moment that we feel the need to laugh at because it’s just so unexpected. Awkward, even. Since when are badass horror monsters defeated with a bit of backyard peer pressure straight out of middle school? If this were any other story, Pennywise would have been defeated by Eddie’s poker. The most scared member of the group finally finds his courage! He has faith that this simple object can kill monsters! He throws it in a perfect arc, splitting the deadlights in two! That’s a heroic ending. Something epic and fantastical, relying on the idea that the Good Guys will win simply because they believe in themselves... but that’s not how the real world works. That ending is a child’s fantasy. Sometimes you do the heroic thing and end up dying anyway. Which isn’t to say that the heroic thing is useless. It saves Richie’s life. It’s just that a single act can’t cure all our ills in the way that storybooks often claim they can.

How then does an adult deal with huge, intangible problems like bigotry and mental illness---the things Pennywise now fully represents? By saying “Fuck you” to those things again and again with all the support you can possibly wrangle up at your side. You refuse to let those issues control you; you drag those child-like representations into the light and remind yourself just how small they really are. We don’t get to beat something like depression by spearing it with a fire poker in some overblown finale. If we did, we’d all be having a much better time. All you can do is band together with friends and scream that you’re not going to let your fears define you anymore. Pennywise is a symptom of all the true horrors in the world. Sadly, you can’t beat those with a baseball bat. But you can acknowledge the heart of the issue, literally in the case of five friends squeezing until that one symptom, at least, is gone.

Image Credit

#1:https://www.screengeek.net/2018/07/10/it-chapter-2-character-mashups/

#2:https://earlybirdbooks.com/the-re-read-the-lion-the-witch-and-the-wardrobe

#3:https://www.vox.com/culture/2019/7/4/19413771/stranger-things-season-3-review-recap-hopper-elevenrussians

#4:https://comicbook.com/movies/2019/08/08/harry-potter-movies-review-10-years-late-snape-dumbledore-franchise/

#5:https://www.denofgeek.com/us/tv/netflix/277257/give-the-dragon-prince-a-chance

#6:https://www.forbes.com/sites/lindamaleh/2019/04/23/she-ra-and-the-princesses-of-power-season-2-review/#ec7022c42953

#7:https://www.commonsensemedia.org/tv-reviews/avatar-the-last-airbender

#8:https://www.newsweek.com/buffy-vampire-slayer-turns-20-charisma-carpenter-shows-enduring-legacy-and-566123

#9:http://theinspirationroom.com/daily/2009/alice-in-wonderland-the-movie/

#10:https://www.hindustantimes.com/tv/game-of-thrones-this-edited-out-scene-between-bran-and-sansa-reveals-so-much-about-finale/story-qFDHflH2dO6Kcki1wgsEyM.html

#11:https://www.cinemablend.com/new/Why-Ender-Game-Best-Possible-Adaptation-Book-40110.html

#12:https://www.hollywoodreporter.com/live-feed/supernatural-end-season-15-cw-1196579

#13:https://www.slashfilm.com/it-chapter-two-scene/

#14:https://www.vox.com/culture/2017/9/12/16286316/it-cleaning-up-blood-scene-feminism

#15:http://www.allocine.fr/film/fichefilm-208633/photos/detail/?cmediafile=21647122

#16:https://stanleyyuris.tumblr.com/post/188300897715/chaotic-losers

#17:https://whatculture.com/film/it-chapter-2-every-character-ranked-worst-to-best?page=3

#18:https://www.reddit.com/r/harrypotter/comments/7uhrkz/the_most_hated_character/

#19:https://9gag.com/gag/am2X2Z4?ref=pn.mw

#20:https://screenrant.com/harry-potter-hated-characters-unpopular-worst-ranked/quickview/17

GIFs1-5:https://the-pretty-poisons.tumblr.com/post/188344826978/why-is-everyone-looking-at-me-\like-this

#It #It Chapter 2 #It Chapter Two #It Chapter Two Spoilers #reddie #mymetas

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chiclet-go-boom · 5 years ago

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point of impact 7: always

/shyly pushes to @linguini17 who seems to like these

_______

The outpost they’ve reached is large; larger than he’s ever seen and better organized as well. Somewhere he feels like he ought to be offended by the regimented officiousness of the whole thing but he can’t summon up the energy to feel more than a numb gratefulness to the Orlesian need to coordinate the ass end of everywhere. The fact that the place isn’t even remotely defensible hasn’t stopped them from pretending that it is, and if that doesn’t pretty much say everything that anyone ever needs to know about the collective mindset that is Orlais, he doesn’t know what does.

There are even guard rotations, of all things, moving back and forth with a determined sort of purpose as if there weren’t more gap than enclosure left of the original structure. The camp itself is tidily placed within what was probably a keep courtyard at some point in the long distant past, the cracked remnants of the walls providing at least some wind break in the steadily falling snow. Braziers have been placed every so often so maybe there’s a shot that nobody freezes to death before they can exchange the proper passwords at the cross over points. He knows there have to be passwords; the whole blighted nation lives on coded messages and clandestine behaviour. If they’re here long enough he might even rouse himself to make the effort to learn them.

Over his left shoulder the tents march solemnly in formation, little ice-ward runes on their ridge poles twinkling like tiny stars. It’s a pretty effect, especially when a rush of wind curls up along the ground, throwing even more loose white stuff into the air like an excited child. Emprise du Lion is a magical wonderland and Varric hunkers closer to his chosen bonfire, rubbing his chapped hands over and over pretending to get some feeling back into his fingers.

Problem is that there just isn’t enough usable wood to keep the fires going properly and the heat thrown off by the veilfire woven into the actual flames isn’t enough to write home about. Assuming he’ll ever write again. Assuming he gets out of here with his mind intact enough to want to.

He shifts his shoulders, trying to settle his fleece lined duster a little closer to his skin. The crunching of the snow behind him is enough warning that he doesn’t flinch when somebody sits next to him on the rough hewn bench, settling with a creak of protesting leather. The warrior peels her gloves off and pale hands stretch out to the fire, chasing the same thing he is.

“I hate this place already.”

“Couldn’t have said it better myself.”

The Inquisitor sighs, breath puffing out. “Don’t know about that, Varric. You’ve usually got much better insults tucked up your sleeve for these kinds of occasions.”

“Not this time. I pretty much just hate this place too.”

“I’d ask you again why we’re here but that’s even more depressing than being here at all.”

He has a grin for that, enough to crack the skin of his face at least. “Hey, look on the bright side. We could still be bivouacked ten miles from here, hugging a mountain like we’re about to propose marriage.”

The Herald groans. “Hey, it was a good spot.”

“If you’re into hugging mountains, sure.”

“The captain here says they can have us provisioned by tomorrow and as much as I’d like to stay and enjoy the last bit of civilization we’re going to see for awhile, I think we’d better take them up on the not so subtle offer.” The warrior switches subjects easily, as she often does, and Varric nods. “He hasn’t said it exactly but I get the impression they’re stretched pretty thin and we’re enough of a dent into the supplies that he’s already counting on his fingers when the next supply caravan is likely to make it.”

“Yeah. Any army marches on its stomach and for a skinny human, you sure eat a bunch.”

“Thanks, Varric.”

“Anytime, Inquisitor.”

“Anytime what?”

He blames the cold and the exhaustion but he hadn’t heard Cassandra walk up and her appearance across the fire is startling. Her face looks as pinched as he feels, dark skin contrasting with the drifting snowflakes. Not for the first time he wonders if she appreciates the cold as much as he does, what with Nevarra being on the edge of the the Silent Plains and all. He’s heard rumors that things just lay down and die in the shade there to get some relief. She never complains though. Not at Skyhold and not even here, where even the snow complains about the snow, so far by sliding down rock faces on top of them.

Still, if he was the descriptive sort and the Seeker not equipped with a spine of pure dragonbone, he might say she collapses on the seat like a sack of potatoes. As it is she merely settles herself across from them both, one eyebrow tilting up.

The Inquisitor waves her unmarked hand. “Varric says I eat too much.”

“Now, now, I didn’t say that. Exactly.”

“You implied. You know how much energy it takes to swing this axe overhand and not miss?” The weapon in question is close to four feet of haft alone and he’d shudder if he could.

“More than I want to think about at the moment. I retract the implication I didn’t make.”

“Apology accepted. Cassandra, I’d like to get started after whatever passes for first meal around here. They can feed us at least once more before we set off again.” Her lips thin but whatever she’s thinking, she doesn’t voice it. Her voice becomes brisk again. “Everyone make sure to check your packs before we leave, I don’t want to start out shorted on anything essential this time.”

Cassandra nods and makes a noise of, if not acceptance, at least acknowledgement. For a few minutes they all stare into the not-warm-enough fire. Varric rubs his palms together again, feeling the calluses catch on each other in a far-away feeling. Whatever the Inquisitor and Seeker are thinking in turn, they aren’t sharing either.

Finally the Inquisitor sighs and stands, hauling her gloves back on with a deliberate sort of grace. “I’m going to check on Dorian and see if he’s had any luck adapting that fire spell before I turn in. It would be great if just one thing went super right before we’re deep into things, you know?” She drops a hand on Varric’s shoulder as she turns although he can barely feel it through the layers. “See you both tomorrow. Try and get some sleep.”

Silence descends again and he thinks he should break it somehow, only he doesn’t know what to say. He’s all out of his own jokes at the moment and the easy camaraderie brought by the Herald has disappeared with her.

“Varric.”

He looks up without realizing he’d dropped his gaze to look at the Seeker. “Yes?”

“I.. apologize if this is abrupt. Can you really tell where the nearest red lyrium is? I hope you can appreciate that I do not wish us to flounder without direction out here.”

He rubs a hand over his face and considers his options. Then he simply points. “There.” He swings his arm and points again, thick finger stabbing. “And there, but farther.” And he points again for a third time, opening his hand and wiggling his fingers in a vague motion. “And somewhere over there too but it’s not super specific.”

“How do you know?” Her voice is honestly curious and that alone keeps him from snapping at her. It’s not her fault, he reminds himself. It’s probably not even his fault.

“I just do.” Regardless of his intentions, it comes out as a growl. He shifts his feet a little wider and sighs, before trying again. “Sorry. Stuff has me on edge. Yes, I know exactly where it is. No, I don’t know why, not really, but it’s why I invited myself along. As much as I seriously regret it right now.”

“Do all dwarves…?”

“Don’t know that either, Seeker.” He shakes his head, thinks better of it, and then just shrugs. “We’re naturally resistant to the regular stuff, everybody knows that. But the Orzammar clans that mine it still swear they can hear it right through the stone. It’s how they know which direction to start digging. But Bianca...” He hesitates, then curses himself for tripping over the name. His control really isn’t the best at the moment. He starts again. “Bianca doesn’t react to the red stuff like I do, even though it’s scary piled on top of stupid on top of just plain horribly bad. Said it was an annoying buzz, kind of like a mosquito just out of swatting range when she was close. That’s not what I’m hearing. I know for a fact that she can’t pinpoint it like I can.”

“What is it to you then? What do you hear?”

He knew this question was coming but his shoulders still tighten and he can’t seem to convince them to straighten out. “It sings, Seeker. Constantly. It won’t shut up." He drops his elbows to his knees, leaning forward. He watches himself rub his palms together, slower and slower. "It's a rash I can’t even scratch because it's inside my head. The closer I am, the sweeter it sounds. I swear there are words in it too, like somebody is whispering in another language that if I just… that I could understand if I just convinced myself I could.”

“That must be difficult.” Her voice is measured but for Cassandra it’s dripping with concern and it strikes him oddly, unexpectedly close to the heart. He shrugs that off as well because there’s nothing there beyond what she’d feel for any of the others. The Seeker has a tendency to mother hen everybody in her immediate vicinity, himself included when she’s not busy being mad at him for all his various infractions, both real and imagined.

“You have no idea. Is it me? Is it something to do with being a Tethras? Maker knows Bartrand took to it like a duck to water.” He hears the bitterness creeping into his voice, realizes he’s dropped his gaze again and forces himself to look up across the fire. “Don’t worry so much, Seeker. There's no way I’ll lose track of it, trust me. You can just consider me your personal crow for the duration; I’ll take us right to the stuff and we’re going to smash it all into so much dust.”

---------------------

The weather hasn’t gotten any better over the last couple of weeks but it hasn’t gotten all that much worse either. A couple of small storms that laid down yet more snow since you can never have too much of a good thing, a few days with enough wind to scour his face of several layers of skin that he probably didn’t need anyways but that’s been about it. Small blessings from above, right? Varric does his level best to follow directly in the footprints of the Seeker and the Herald as they choose a path leading along the base of the latest ridge, forging ahead of both him and Dorian. Stumbling off the path they’re making will have him hip deep in the drifts again and that he doesn’t need right now, or ever quite frankly.

But damn them for having such long strides. His thighs are never going to stop burning, he’s sure of it.

He doesn’t realize he’s spoken out loud until Dorian laughs. He shoots a sour glance over his shoulder.

“Laugh it up, Sparkler. Don’t see you swanning through this stuff like you’re dancing the remigold on marble floors either.”

The mage waves a casual hand. “I’m allergic to excessive effort. I’m perfectly content to let our two heroes do the hard work since they’re so beautifully suited for it.” In deference to the relatively mild weather at the moment, his fur lined hood is down and he can see the smile on the man’s face. Dorian’s stride is confident, if slow. “And admit it, Varric, the view is quite aesthetically pleasing from this angle.”

Varric looks ahead and suppresses a sigh. Because when Dorian’s right, he’s right.

The Herald is in the lead at the moment, indefatigably moving through the drifts even as she probes ahead with a long pole to check for deeper pockets that could hang everyone up. Her overcoat has been messily rolled to hang from her hip by straps hooked to her weapons belt. Through the patchy tree line they’re generally skirting, the sunlight catches on her honey hair to spark little glories and her breath and exposed skin steam with exertion. If this was a painting, she’d be some sort of pale avenging demon descending upon the hapless mortals from above, wreathed in white smoke. Her hips and thighs are definitely doing some interesting things beneath the muted jingle of her scale mail tunic.

In contrast, Cassandra has kept her dark cloak on but like Dorian has dropped the hood. She ghosts precisely behind the Inquisitor, dark on black on implacable, her armored weight helping to pack the snow into something traversable. If the pace is bothering her, nothing in her movements betrays it. Varric can only imagine what her hips are doing and that’s the worst part of it. His imagination has a tendency to run away with him when he can’t see things.

As if aware of his thoughts on her, the Seeker picks that moment to look back at both of them. He raises a hand in greeting, trying to move a little faster.

She frowns at something she sees though and stops, turning to call back the Herald. A few minutes later, they’re all standing together and Varric stamps his feet a few times, swinging his arms. Wouldn’t do to cool down too fast.

“We have to be close. Varric?”

He nods at the Seeker, keeping his face impassive. “Nearly on top of it, really. If we go up right here, we can probably fall on top of it on the other side.”

Everybody looks of course, but the ridge of stone they’re traveling along still isn’t showing any signs of a path they can actually use to get over the blocking hump of rock.

The first three deposits had been deceptively easy, pretty much out in the open after a bit of effort and they’d shattered beautifully under the pressure of his explosive bolts and Dorian’s casually impressive destruction. They hadn’t even had to get that close for which he is profoundly grateful. This one however is more than making up for it though in pretty much every way possible.

They’ve been tracking it for days now, working their way closer and closer, switching and backtracking as various approaches had dead ended into impassable terrain or steep ravines or some combination of both. Emprise du Lion, he’d decided awhile back, was obviously designed by the sadistic hand of a maniac god. Which pretty much described most of them when you got down to it but the subtleties of his observation appears to have made little impression on his travelling companions.

More to the point, they’re uselessly close enough set his teeth on shivering edge and after four long days and even longer nights, they still haven’t actually found the Maker blasted thing. He’s just given up on sleeping until they get to it. Standing here doing nothing but talking isn’t helping either. He can feel the lyrium thrumming at him right through the stone, dancing along every one of his bones.

Varric shifts his weight and re-settles his crossbow, trying to distract himself. He swings his arms a few more times. The Inquisitor scratches the back of her oblivious neck, still looking up the ridge before squinting over at the weak, diffused sun. “Okay, then,” she says finally. “We’re going to go for another… two fingers of light I think, and if we still haven’t found a good way up, we’re going back to the last camp and we’ll try around the other way tomorrow.”

It’s not like that’s a different plan than they were already doing but the small rest is something at least. This time when they set off again, Cassandra takes the lead, letting the other woman take a break from path stomping. They travel in single file for an hour, barely speaking. The snow crunches, the world glitters and Varric does his best to keep imagining what’s happening under the Seeker’s clothes. It’s almost enough.

Her shout pulls his attention up from the place it’s drifted into. He stumbles and realises after a few seconds that he’d nearly been in fugue state. She’s staring up and as they all close the distance they’d straggled along, he can see what she’s seeing.

At some point in the past a portion of the ridge ahead had collapsed, leaving behind a sloping pile of scree along the path of travel. Instead of rising stone and no footholds, it was a reasonable, if steep incline. Better yet, it was overgrown with small saplings taking advantage of the loosened soil and dirt and even scrub brush digging its own footholds into the bounty. It was damned near perfect - with some careful footwork, they could probably get up this. He looks over at the Herald but she’s already shaking out her jacket and putting it back on. Right. She obviously doesn’t want to be overbalanced as they climb.

“Varric, you go first,” the Inquisitor is saying. “Then Dorian, Cass and then me.”

“Why does he get to go first?” Dorian’s voice sounds rusty with disuse, and the man coughs and tries again. “I’m as light as a halla in comparison to you burly brontos. I could be there and back before you know it.”

She grins and not for the first time Varric wonders if the Herald is sweet on the Tevinter altus. There’s just something about the way her smile slides onto her face when she talks to him, that tiny edge of ever so eager sweetness. “Because, you darling thing, you might be a golden halla of air and clouds but Varric knows how to move on treacherous terrain pretty much anywhere. Right, Varric?”

“You know it.” He’s already picked up how he’s going to get up most of the way, eyes skipping from spot to spot. “But how come nobody ever calls me a golden halla?”

“You don’t have the wardrobe for it, my dear dwarf. Or the legs.”

“You got me there, Sparkler.”

“So our resident sneak goes first,” interrupts the Inquisitor, “then you, Dorian, since you are so damned graceful I can’t stand it, then Cassandra. I’ll bring up the rear because I’m quite frankly the one most likely to slip and I’m not taking out anybody with me if I’m dead last. If Cass slips, I’m also the one most likely to survive the impact.” She makes a point of flexing in her armor and even Varric finds a chuckle for that, as weak as it is. Cassandra looks over at him with a frown on her face but he ignores it, already starting to move.

He wants this over with bad enough to taste it. He starts to climb.

It’s difficult but not beyond him. City dwarf he might be but he knows how to walk, how to test his steps before committing them, feeling the ground beneath his feet as if it’s a living creature which, with the wrong footstep, it will be. It’s not the same as negotiating a trade dispute or slipping around a column to line up a back shot on an unsuspecting target but he has indeed learned to walk wherever he needs to.

Below, Dorian climbs lightly, obviously trying to follow the line he’s picked out across the slope. The two heavily armored women labour upwards below him in a staggered line. Varric keeps going, and when he finally looks up, he realises they’re nearly there. He reaches for another grip on a sapling tree to test its strength as an anchor.

He hears the curse a half second before anything else. He looks down just to time to see Dorian slip, and he’s helpless to do anything as the mage slides under the crumbling pressure of a weak foothold, scrabbling to get a stable handful of anything as he falls. The sound of shifting stone and earth is frightening and for a heartbeat all he can see is what will happen if the entire slip face goes, burying all of them at the bottom.

But luck is with them. Cassandra has her feet planted, one hand sunk into the root system of the nearby scrubs and she gets her other hand on the Tevinter as he slides past her in a shower of pebbles and dirt. She holds on somehow and miraculously nothing further gives. The small landslide slows and then trickles to a pattering stop. Varric can see the white oval face of the Inquisitor far below, staring up.

“Everybody okay?” he shouts down.

“Dorian?” In answer to the Seeker, the mage sets his knee on the slope and attempts to rise slowly. Varric can’t hear the hiss of pain but he can imagine it as Dorian appears to be unable to get both feet under him properly.

The Inquisitor climbs up with exaggerated carefulness and finally reaches the level of the other two. There is conversation he can’t hear but he’s pretty sure he knows what it is. The warrior is running her hands over Dorian’s leg and Varric curses under his breath, staring up. So close to the top. He can keep going, crest the ridge and backtrack to the lyrium. Blast it into so much quivering dust and make it stop crying out to him. Then, then he can sleep for a thousand years before they go after the next one.

He wets his lips, looking back down the slope.

Cassandra is climbing again, methodically grasping and reaching. The Herald and Dorian however are going back down at a snail’s pace, the one braced against the other. Varric blinks.

“Keep going,” the Seekers calls out as she gets close enough.

His mind dangerously blank, he turns back and keeps climbing.

-------------------

Walking along the top of the ridge is much easier going than slogging through the snow at the foot of it and in easy time they have retraced their steps. They stand together for a moment, pretending to catch their breath.

At some point a relatively shallow bowl formed here, perhaps sixty feet across, somewhat less than half of that again deep. Clustered on the other side, the lyrium has shoved itself through the stone and snow. The crystalline spikes thrust outwards in mass confusion like obscenely hard entrails spilling out from a wound and Varric swallows.

The worst thing is it’s pulsing in rhythm. It feels like it’s driving his blood.

Varric forces himself to look away.

“Can you destroy it from here?” she asks. Her words steam in the air even as her hand is wrapped around the hilt of the sword, tight enough to be noticeable. He sees it but isn’t sure if he should ask if she’s starting to hear it too.

He shakes his head once and then again, harder, trying to reform his thoughts into something coherent. He delays by scooping up a small handful of snow to swallow it, trying to taste water for a moment instead of lyrium. “Sorry, Seeker. Bad angle and I’m not risking it. I only have so many bolts on me and this one… well, it’s kinda big, isn’t it?”

“Only a little big,” she says calmly enough.

“Right.” He stares down across the depression and disguises a hard shudder with a shrug. He starts picking out his footholds, trying to judge when closer will be close enough. “Okay. I’m going to. Going work my way there.” He points down and right to where his target is, a small ledge jutting out where some piece of the stone split to provide a rough shelf. “Better shot from there, can do this properly. Wait here.”

“I am not waiting here, dwarf.”

“And why the hell not?” he snaps back. “You can’t do anything with that sword except crowd my shooting arm.”

She shifts on her feet and he hates the closed, tight expression on her face. “I am worried for you,” she says unexpectedly. “Do not think I have not noticed what it is happening.”

He grunts in surprise. “Doesn’t matter,” he replies after a moment, fumbling, cursing the noticeable delay between thought and sound. “Just… stay here and I’ll take care of it. If you want, you can carry me back out if you need something to do. Maybe there’ll be a bear or something.”

Her lips tighten but he hopes it’s because she’s trying not to smile. He moves away and starts to pick his way down.

It’s difficult, more than difficult. The slope here is more stable at least than the way up, the stone older and less disturbed but the lyrium wails in previously unknown octaves, distracting. The snow that has drifted into crevices makes things hard to judge, the shifting red light casting wavering shadows that don’t help at all. More than once he nearly puts a foot wrong. He starts, stops, starts again.

But he makes it after what seems like a year and forever, bracing himself along the exposed face. Varric hauls in a painful lungful of air, trying to stay centered and focused. As he thought, the angle here is as close to perfect as he’s going to get, the twisting spires of lyrium all but reaching out to him. He can see right into the center of the mass and for a second the song aching along his bones makes beautiful, incandescent sense.

Varric shudders and drags his eyes away. He starts to pull Bianca off his shoulder, fumbling awkwardly.

Afterwards he has no idea what he did wrong. Did the ledge collapse, some unseen fault with his weight on it? Did his foot slip with his shattered un-attention? Or did, Maker preserve all fools, did he actually step forward? All of those things, none of those things.

He’s somehow on his hands and knees in the snow at the bottom of the basin, spitting shock and blood. He’s bitten through his tongue but doesn’t have time to care about it. His hands are scraped and bleeding. Those are the only two things he actually feels.

He looks up.

He’s fallen nearly on top of it. Twenty feet, maybe less or something more because it’s impossible to judge, only that it fills his sight like a horizon. This close he can all but see his reflection in the crystalline planes, see himself endlessly reflected. His heart twists with sudden panicked horror.

Then it’s gone. All of it is gone, torn away and lost. The surging thrill under his skin is nothing short of a lover’s caress, something he almost has a name for. He staggers to his feet, somewhere dimly amazed that he can.

Somebody is yelling faintly. He shakes his head and that falls away too.

Everywhere he looks is red and it’s the most beautiful thing he’s ever seen.

He takes a step. Then another and another, faster. His flesh blackens with exultation, heat and promise and the shrieking edge of understanding. Fingers of it thread through his hair, touch his shoulders with power. Red coils wrap tight around his neck until he can barely breathe for how good they feel. A knowing hand snakes down his hip.

He could have it. He could take it. It could be his.

And oh, it wants to be his.

His bloodied fingers twitch. He reaches to touch the nearest spire. A few more steps.

He's grabbed from behind and he howls, fighting.

It’s a woman with dark hair and darker, wilder eyes. She drags him a half dozen steps before he digs in and then there is a tense, straining stalemate. She’s got a hold of him by a strap and she yanks again, stronger than she looks with her whipcord length. He loses yet another lurching step. It’s his harness, he realizes dimly. She has him by the harness.

He claws at the buckles and the useless weight at his shoulder drops and he sheds both burden and jacket all in a piece like a snake. She reaches for him again.

“Varric. Varric.”

There’s red dancing in her eyes. The lyrium over his shoulder screams through its reflection and he shudders. He flexes his shoulders in inarticulate want, panting.

She hesitates, scanning his face, her hand hovering between them.

She crouches, slowly enough that it seems a dream or a drug fever until she’s before him with one knee in the snow. He can see flakes of white in her dark, tousled hair. Something in her eyes is confusing enough to hold him there.

“Varric. Do you know me?”

He takes a breath. No. Yes. No?

“Varric.” Her voice pleads. Her fingertips raise as if to touch his face, brushing instead the hollow of his throat.

He sets his jaw against it. Her cheek is scarred and he finds himself touching it with a finger without intending any such thing, tracing the heavy line. Blood smears like it’s reopening.

He’s always meant to touch her. He’s always wanted to do that. Yes. Run his mouth over her, taste himself on her skin.

“Seeker.” That’s all he has but it seems to be enough. She smiles, her eyes still frightened. That’s it. That’s the confusing thing. The Seeker should never be frightened.

Her hand is burning hot as it curls around the chain at his throat.

His thumb brushes over her face again. Taste her, touch her. Have her. His.

“Varric, come away. Come away from it.” Her other hand hesitates, then moves to his arm. She tugs once and then again, more strongly.

He growls his answer, rocking on his heels.

She stands, rising like a furious thundercloud, gaining sudden leverage. She yanks viciously and he stumbles one more step, her hand torqued around the metal at his neck, the other fisted into his shirt. Something rips. “Maker, help me! Varric, we must go!"

She should never be frightened. Once she hears it properly, she’ll never be frightened again. And he wants.

He sinks his fingers into her upper arm, deep as mountains and it takes nothing at all to drag her back down.

She loses her grip, collapsing to both knees with a harsh sound. Her free hand starts to fumble at her waist.

“No. Come,” he pants. “Come here, Seeker.”

“Varric, no!”

A step backwards. He’s stronger than she is, he always has been. “Be here with me. Seeker. Seeker. Always.”

He pulls again, inexorable and she cries out in sharp pain, starting to struggle. Her free hand drops from the hilt, scrabbling in the snow.

She tries then, tries to lean back, to pull away and she’s strong, he loves that, he’s always loved that about her but she is only human and he’s not letting go. He tightens his grip into a cage and half turns, dragging her across the ground even as she screams yet again. Back towards the song, back towards the safety of the howling crystals. Red in her eyes, red in her hair, the taste of lyrium in her mouth under his, always, always, always.

“Varric! Varric, no! Don’t do this, don’t do this!”

He’s never seen her tears before.

She’s crying. Cassandra is crying.

He’s hurting Cassandra.

He snatches his hand back as if it’s burning.

Maybe he is.

“...Varric?”

He closes his eyes. He inhales, a breath so deep his entire body freezes with the intense, bitter cold. “Yes.”

She swallows, a wet sound. “Varric, come away. Come away with me. We have to leave this place. Now.”

Lyrium screams again but this time he has something to hang onto.

“Can’t. Can’t, Seeker. Have to… have to…” He gropes after it. “Can’t come back here again.”

“Someone else can do this. Come with me now.”

“No.” He opens his eyes. The wet smear of her face accuses, his blood on her cheek, but her eyes are dark again, the red only a reflection. “No.”

He can’t find any more words but he doesn’t need to. Varric turns and finds Bianca half buried in the snow. It is the work of moments to free her from the tangle and his fingers leave wet, dark streaks on her blond wood as he loads her.

He walks back and finds the angle again, looks into the tangled mess of lyrium, the beating, pulsing, crying heart of it.

He doesn’t remember pulling the trigger, reloading, doing it again and yet again until there’s nothing left that sings at all. But he knows he did it because the next thing he remembers, they’re stumbling into camp together.

#cassarric #fanfiction #varric tethras #cassandra pentaghast #dragon age inquisition

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eshithepetty · 5 years ago

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wholesome mp100 things:

(Because I really like to ramble about this show and I just thought I'd compile some things I appreciate about it):

Bottling up feelings? Nuh uh, bad idea, better have realistic and well paced development of you opening up more and learning to accept your emotions, kiddo.

Self!! Respect!! Not just learning it in a 'oh, I love myself, flaws and all' way, but the actual process of trying really hard to actually be proud of oneself, even when it's hard to see yourself as anything but terrible. It's all in the gradual changes and small moments of taking your own feelings into account!!

An actual adult? Actually acknowledging?? How actually fucked up all the shit the kids of the show have to go through is??? And going out of their way to lessen their weight of responsibility, and to protect them and offering them comfort, like,,, yes please!!!

'Huh...? You want? World domination?? What a ridiculous concept. What are you even going to do with that? People need other people, dummy. Honestly, you're acting more childish than the actual children here.'

Everyone!! Is!! Equal!! Yes, you may have god-like powers that could literally fling me into the stratosphere and I might be an actual sewer rat incarnate, but as people?? We all still long for the same validation. We all have the same rights. We're all human.

Not?? Sexualising any of the female/kid characters? Tbh, I don't really feel at my best giving points to a show for this, since it shouldn't be that surprising in the first place, but still, and I think this is easily overshadowed by all the thirst Bones has for Reigen, but that's the thing! They're putting all their (tbh not that creepy really and in character) fanservice into one grown man and that's!! Really great! Thank you Reigen for being our sacrifical lamb

On the subject of not sexualizing kids, Tsubomi, Mob's crush, while being portrayed as very pretty, is not sexualized at all either, and Mob's fantasies about her entirely consist of them just,, doing stuff like holding hands and walking home together?? Not even kissing or anything like that??? It's just so innocent and cute, gosh... also the fact that Tsubomi and the rest of the girls aren't stereotypes, but have their own lives that don't revolve around the boys and interesting personalities that are very distinct from each other, even if they don't get as much screentime as the boys :> (also, Tome being a protagonist in the Reigen spin-off manga!!)

Dealing with anxiety and dependency and manipulation/abuse, when you're an adult?? I honestly can't say I've seen too much of anything concerning this anywhere,,, Serizawa is so good

And all the adults for that matter!! All the villains! Their redemption arcs are all about intergrating into society again and learning to have a realistic worldview and all around getting well rounded as people. That's pretty inspiring, imo!

Also, Reigen, an adult, realising that he was being unfair to Mob, a kid, and specifically saying he was 'caging him in', instead of using excuses like 'trying to protect him" and trying his hardest to fix his life and mistakes before confronting him, and when he does, doesn't expect Mob to accept or forgive him or want to be friends with him again?? And tearing up for the first time on the show just from being a called good person by him,,,? That was honestly so tearjerking and pure and that arc made me feel the full range of human emotion.

Speaking of Reigen, the fact that all of his friends, for the longest time, are a bunch of middle schoolers, and that he has basically fathered them all is such a funny, yet heartwarming and also a bit sad and complicated thing, all at once, to think about.

The body improvement club!!!!! Super supportive and protective jocks, the absolute opposite of toxic masculinity. Thank you ONE for bringing us this gift.

The fact that every one of Mob's friends would likely kill, or at least give a very stern lecture to anyone who ever tries hurting him is amazing and sweet. The same goes for Mob, a big pacifist at heart, putting his strict morals on hold and fighting just for the safety of his friends, and sometimes even strangers or enemies. They're all just so protective and I absolutely love it,,,,

By the way!! Mob!!! I love that he's not a stereotypical cinnamon roll protagonist who is always pure. Like, he has his dark moments. He has hurt people. Sometimes, he's geniunely scary. But the fact that he's so aware of his faults and how much damage he could inflict, and thus tries so hard to better himself every day and to always stay on good morals, and always strives to understand and help people above all else, even through all the suffering he's gone through and all the power he posseses, is what truly makes him so kind and lovable. He's just.... grown so much. I'm immensely proud of him <3

Power of friendship, but done right, because they don't use bonds as some convenient power up, but rather primarily as a tool for character development, that, in turn, helps them become better and more stable and capable people ^^

The fact that the protagonist getting stronger in this show doesn't mean them gaining more power or becoming more book smart, but instead entails them learning to better understand people and to let others understand them as well so that confrontation can be as civilized and nonviolent as possible and become a better tool for helping everyone involved improve themselves is such a direct yet nuanced way of presenting how solutions can be made to real world problems and conflicts, and it's just such a different aproach to the usual shonen aesthetic of power being the defining factor on deciding who wins or loses.

In fact, a lot of the time there is no clear 'winner' of a fight. Sure, we certainly get to understand which side is stronger physically, but the impact those factors play into the characters' mental states and development is usually very removed from those results. A character technically winning can result in them plunging into a meltdown full of self loathing. A character losing often brings a very positive change in their life. Those experiences change the characters in different ways than just winning - positive or losing - negative.

The message that you don't need to be special! Everyone is fundimentally equal, so you being more or less special than anyone else is just flawed as a mindset. Reaching for the top is alright as long as you remember that the thing that matters the most is just trying to be kind.

Mob being widely recognized as autistic in the fandom!! A lot of characters having the capability to be seen as neurodivergent, actually. But even if it isn't intentional coding from the creator, all the messages about how people expressing themselves differently doesn't make them any less human or valid, how conventional isn't always the best, how being empathetic can manifest in wildly different ways and also the reoccurring theme of dealing with trauma etc. are still very much there and impact the narrative and characters a whole lot.

How the story was even able to become so popular, despite the nature of ONE's art!! Also, how the anime creators decided to stay faithful, even tho they had the opportunity to change the art style to something more conventional and not go as hard as they did, but nope, they admire and respect the source material and clearly have so much passion for this project, putting all kinds of talent and creativity and effort into every episode!!! They seem like they're having a lot of fun with it, and I'm very glad.

(Feel free to add more!!!)

#mob psycho 100 #mp100 #long post #wholesome #list #ramble #kageyama shigeo #reigen arataka #themes #appreciation #messages #my own post #mp100 ramble #it's 4 am but I can't sleep cause my hair is still wet from showering at night so I'm just gonna post this ramble I had in my notes finally #kinda delirious rn so I apologize #yet another mp100 rant i'm sorry

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anxiouslyfred · 6 years ago

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Uncontrolled Daydream Mode

Summary: We’ve seen what an ideas generating ‘daydream mode’ looks like in Thomas’ videos but this is what happens when he’s actually just daydreaming and everyone in the mindscape is impacted.

Warnings: Sympathetic Deceit, spiders, brotherly anxceit

When Thomas and Roman give in to daydreams chaos usually ensues for the inhabitants of the mindscape.

With luck, all that would happen would be a few of the shorts characters or Cartoon Therapy characters manifesting and getting in the way for a while. That was a rare occurrence however and Logan could only pray for it as he saw flowers weaving around Roman’s door.

Seeing Patton hovering by the ceiling on doves wings quickly dashed those hopes however. “Pat, are you able to come down from there?” He queried, heading to get some coffee and watching out for Roman

“Not yet. He summoned spiders earlier.” His voice was steady so either the spiders had been vanished or at least scattered out of view a while ago, Logan assumed.

“Is it fright or Roman keeping you up there then?” Logan checked before freezing himself as he rounded the counter.

Virgil was sat cross legged on the floor, looking utterly entranced at several spiders over his arms and shoulders. Logan must have made some noise of concern at recognising a species or two of the spiders as Virgil glanced up. “He can’t summon anything truly harmful, L. Don’t look so worried.”

“Is this something that the daydreams have caused or do you simply have an aptitude towards arachnids?” Logan straightened his tie, taking a step backwards while trying to act like he’d had none of the concerns Virgil suggested.

“Well I do have a few of them in my room. I figure it’s just because they cause Thomas some anxiety that they originally appeared, but now they’re basically pets. If Ro keeps these around, I’ll keep them too.” Virgil muttered, glancing back into the living room. “Looks like he’s coming downstairs again regardless.”

Following Virgil’s gaze, Patton and Logan could see the banister shifting to golden spires with a woven band connecting them. The carpet had already changed to be a red velvet which rippled out to also cover the living room.

When Roman emerged onto the stairs, his outfit was utterly different to his usual one; chain mail armour was covered with a red cotton embroidered with his insignia in gold.

“Ah, Court Adviser Logan, you have arrived.” Roman decreed upon spotting him. “Have you managed to find any information on the beast plaguing the kingdom?”

Logan blinked, making sure to keep the table between them in a futile hope it would prevent the daydream from affecting him. “Can you remind me of what type of creature it is, please Sire?”

“Well, one of the villagers said it had two heads, another insisted on far too many legs, while all of them reported it flying.” Roman mused, his absent expression, ever present for daydreams growing stronger if it could as he focused on the daydreams story.

Alarm however was growing in Logan and Virgil’s expressions as their eyes darted between the spiders, Patton’s wings and each other. Virgil’s final glance at Roman had him slumping a little and gently folding his hands around his neck, trying to disturb his spiders as little as possible.

“Was there any mention of what the heads looked like? It would assist me in locating the mythology it originates from.” Logan tried, hoping they could learn with more evidence who might find themselves with an extra head.

So focused were the trio on Roman that Deceits entrance and frenzied looks around the room went unnoticed as the Prince began to speak. “Well, it had dark eyes on one head, bright yellow-green on the other. The dark eyes were in a serpents head as well, I’ve been told.”

“I’m right here and my eyes are the other way round!” The snapped words made everyone jump and an even more worried gaze from Virgil as they turned to Deceit.

“He wasn’t talking about you. Welcome to daydream central, Deceit.” Virgil snarked back, murmuring to Logan and Patton at their bewildered glances, “We don’t get affected by this when Thomas is denying us or doesn’t know about us.”

As Virgil stood, still moving slowly to keep the spiders calm, Patton backed into the living room, finally landing and Deceit crouched, curling into a corner of the room as though to get away from everyone while staying with them, shrinking into himself. “You really might be best just hiding in your room, Dee. If you think it cause I don’t want you around, would I say that, when it just makes you stick around more? Roman’s influence is weaker in our rooms so it’s less likely to affect you there.”

“I don’t recall you being this upset when Thomas went into daydream mode after you joined us.” Logan observed, recognising that Deceit was beginning to hyperventilate but unsure how to react to the dark side to help.

Virgil however, barely spared him a glance, heading towards Deceit. “You wouldn’t have. I’m good at hiding it, or myself when I want to.”

As he honed his focus in on the Deceitful side, Dee started clutching the right of his neck and the side of his face. “Deceit, I need you to breathe for me, just follow my pattern.” Virgil’s voice was steady as he took the others chin in one hand so their eyes would meet, a spider crawling over it to Deceits left shoulder as he did so.

“My neck! What’s happening to my neck?” Deceit gasped out, clawing at it until Virgil managed to pull both hands away with his free one, though no more of the spiders on him moved more than needed to stay in their spaces.

“Thomas and Roman are daydreaming, which means a lot of strange things are happening here, including transformations. It looks like you’re growing a serpents head. No, keep breathing with me. It will only be temporary. Come, on, breathe in for four counts.” Virgil’s voice remained calm and patient as he talked Deceit through his breathing techniques, confusing Logan and Patton further since they rarely saw this side of Virgil and never in regards to any dark side.

Deceit was gazing at Anxiety like he was his saviour. “But it hurts.” he muttered, like a lost child would.

“Unfortunately I can’t help that. It seems to work based on how liked you are. I’m sorry Dee.” Virgil’s voice quieted to soothing indiscernible whispers after that, only a dark flicker of his eyes to Roman showing the memories and history they usually ignored.

By the time the serpents head had fully formed, Virgil was cradling Deceit in his lap, looking more like a father than Patton ever had, even with the spiders still climbing over the pair of them. Patton and Logan had left them and Roman in the living room, supposedly to make lunch since they all knew the creative side would only acknowledge them if they fit a role in his dream and be hungry when he came out of it.

At the sound of a sword being drawn though, Virgil could only pray they’d intervene and help him. “Villain, you’ve plagued my kingdom for the last time!” Roman declared, weapon pointed directly at Deceit, even as Anxiety moved them to be between them in a crouch, hissing back.

“Don’t talk to be of villainy, Prince, unless you’ve finally routed it from your ranks.” He snarled back, ignoring the hands now clutching the back of his hoodie and heads on his shoulders.

His opposition was unexpected enough to have Roman blinking, torn between carrying the daydream on and coming out of it from confusion. “There’s never been any villainy amongst my knights.” He tried arguing, even as Logan and Patton dashed in, having heard the exchange start.

“Perhaps, my Liege, we might solve what has been plaguing the kingdom by discussing what’s ailing the aggressor instead of fighting it.” Logan suggested, only the title offered to Roman really acknowledging he still saw it as daydream mode. They all knew the consequences could be dire if Roman came to blows against Virgil while one was daydreaming and the other quite visibly in his original mindset of Anxiety and needed to avoid it.

Roman scoffed again, though his expression was beginning to clear even more. “The fiend should have done that before attacking my people.”

“Perhaps you’ve not given him a chance to do so. You seldom meet with your people, Prince Roman.” Patton tried to soothe, looking torn between offering comfort to the pair he most often thought of as his children and avoiding the creepy crawley death dealers on them.

Them all reasoning against his daydream seemed to be enough to finally end it and Roman’s sword dropping followed his expression clearing to curiously look at how the room and people in it had been changed this time. “Why do you look like you’re protecting Deceit, Virgil?” He asked, frowning at the only thing he couldn’t understand happening from the story he’d lived, while almost everyone else let out relieved sighs.

“Because I don’t plan on letting him go through the same crap I did alone. Any clue on how long the daydreams are going to stick around?” Virgil explained, his tone sharp, though he was taking a few deep breaths, reminding himself that he’s friends with them all now and doesn’t need to be on guard and scary constantly.

“You’re literally being cuddled by someone you normally can’t stand, but my daydreams are what concerns you?” Roman bristled before concentrating again. “Probably an hour or two.”

The mention of how disliked he was had Deceit’s serpent’s head hissing softly before he finally spoke up, “Totally feeling safe around you three. Wouldn’t you prefer your brother to be supported than alone?”

“We don’t really work family ties here quite like we did in the subconscious, Dee, just Patton trying to be everyone’s Dad.” Virgil murmured, turning enough that he could wrap an arm around Deceit and subtly check his temperature. “There’s not really the need when we’re trying to work together for Thomas’s best interests.”

The light sides were all in various states of confusion and growing understanding of the pair before them. “We used to argue over the most ridiculous things with Shai when we were teenagers.” Patton mused aloud.

“Or just stop talking to each other for no reason sometimes.” Roman added, “You were so hurt and confused a few times that happened.”

“Perhaps I should do some research into negative brotherly or sibling relationships.” Logan pondered, still thoroughly confused by the current change in the usually hostile pair, still latched to each other on the floor.

Virgil just snickered a little at their comments, tightening his arm and wrapping the other around Deceit too. “We class each other as brothers who hate each others views of the world. For now I’m going to get Dee to his heating rock. This daydream has decreased his already lowered ability to regulate body heat.”

Moving both of them must have taken his concentration since spiders scattered as they sunk out. Logan and Roman jumped and started reaching for either weapons or a way to contain them as Patton shot to the ceiling all over again.

“How long did Virgil have these on him?” Roman exclaimed, trying to herd them together, since creatures dying upset Patton nearly as much as spiders do.

“You’d summoned them before I came downstairs so I’m uncertain. Deceit came down about 5 minutes after me, just as we were trying to learn what else might happen.” Logan called, fetching a large bowl from the kitchen as he spoke.

Roman let out a humm as he finally gathered the spiders close together enough for the bowl to be placed over them all. “That was a new way to be brought out of a daydream though; one of you derailing it and the others suggesting different ways the dream could go. It might help if you need to end one in the future.”

#sympathetic deceit #brotherly anxceit #virgil sanders #roman sanders #logan sanders #patton sanders #sanders sides

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kristatotheworld · 6 years ago

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What I’ve Learned on My Exchange

I’ve learned so so much here-- so much about me, about others, about the world, about life. I’ve mentioned a few times how much I’ve changed on this exchange, but I’ve never gone into details on the things I’ve learned. I could probably write an entire novel filled with all of the things I’ve learned. But, for today I think I’ll just stick to the more important things.

By the way, these are in no certain order.

1. How to go out and do things alone: This is something I feel like a lot of people struggle with. Who wants to go out to eat alone? Who wants to sit in a cafe alone? Well, me. Before coming here though, I was definitely like that. I didn’t wanna go anywhere alone, and there was no way I would ever enjoy it. In fact, I would pretty much avoid doing anything alone in public if I could. So how did I come to enjoy doing things alone in public, you ask? (Or maybe you don’t care, but I’m gonna tell you anyways). I realized that nobody cares if I’m alone, so I shouldn’t either. I realized that being confident and comfortable with myself enough to go out alone and enjoy it doesn’t make me a loser, but radiates BDE (uhhh.. superiority). Once I overcame the anxiety that held me back, I realized spending time alone and having fun is quite therapeutic. I go to cafes alone, to karaoke alone, shopping alone, travelling alone-- really anything that I want to do.

2. No shame: This one is like a mindset. I say this quite often. It kind of goes hand in hand with the last one. It’s about not caring about what other people might think, realizing that most people don’t care and aren’t judging you, and not caring even if they are. I realized that, in a lot of cases, the only person judging me was myself. I also realized that people don’t care about what I’m doing as much as I make them do in my head. Things like not wearing makeup when I went out used to give me anxiety. I wish I could tell my past self, “Krista, nobody but you cares if you’re wearing makeup or not. Nobody but you cares about that pimple. The only one judging you is you.” And for the very very small amount of [butt]holes that would judge me, or anyone for something like that-- well, screw them. They’ve got more problems with themself than with the people they’re judging. The lesson here is: do what you want (if it’s legal, of course)-- no shame. ;)

3. Get those steps in: I say this multiple times everyday. It promotes physical activity and being green, so only positives there. I’m not exactly sure when my friends and I made this a thing, but I know we pretty much live by it now. Here, I walk pretty much everywhere that I can. I get quite a few steps in on a normal day. My iphone tells me I walked 11,635 (7.2 km, or 4.47 mi) steps yesterday, but my highest amount in a day in the past few weeks was 21,194 (14.7 km, or 9.13 mi). Basically, I get those steps in whenever I can. I take the stairs instead of the escalator, I will refuse a ride if I can walk (unless I’m like, sick or dying or something), and when I have time, I take the stairs to my apartment instead of the elevator. (I live on the 18th floor. It takes me approximately 2 minutes going down if I run, and way longer going up-- so if I’m in a hurry, I’ll probably take the elevator).

4. How to say no/ stand up for myself: I’ve always been quite a passive person (in almost all situations). It was very hard for me to tell people no. I often got myself into stressful situations because of this. Here, I’ve definitely learned that I can say no if I don’t want to do something, and that doesn’t automatically make me a terrible person. That being said, I will still do just about anything (emphasis on just about) for anyone because I like to be nice, and helping people makes me happy. I’ve also learned how to stand up for myself. If someone says something to me or about me that I don’t like, I’ll tell them. I’m not afraid of confrontation anymore.

5. How to leave my comfort zone: This is something anyone on an exchange has to be able to do. In the states, I did have a pretty large comfort zone, but leaving it was not something I liked to do. After all, who likes to be uncomfortable? (Me) Of course, when I say uncomfortable, I mean a healthy type of discomfort, a type that you can (and should) overcome. Not a weird, scary type of discomfort that’s probably a warning sign that something isn’t right. If a stranger asks you to get in their car because they have candy, yeah, you definitely should be uncomfortable. And you definitely should NOT get in the car. Now that I’ve made that clear, I can move on to what I do mean. I have to speak a language I’m not confident every day. Of course, sometimes it’s embarrassing, and sometimes it makes me uncomfortable. But I leave my comfort zone. Something I’m particularly uncomfortable with is being naked in front of people (I feel like that’s pretty rational). Korean women, however, don’t seem to relate-- a cultural thing. And that’s okay. I’ve seen a lot of naked Korean ladies (in locker rooms and things like that-- not just walking around). Yeah, I’m not really uncomfortable with changing clothes in front of other girls anymore.

6. I am capable with so much more than I thought: There’s this saying like: “You can do anything you set your mind to.” While anything is a bit of a broad category, it’s true. (Maybe you want to become a bird, which is kind of impossible, but who knows, maybe if you set your mind to it, it’ll happen). If someone tells you you can’t do something, do it anyways and take pictures. If you tell yourself that you can’t do something, do it anyways and realize that you should never let self-doubt hold you back. If I really want to do something, and I’m willing to work hard for it, I will make it happen. Instead of telling myself that it’s too hard, I tell myself that I’m willing to put in the work to make it happen.

7. How to go with the flow: There’s this thing in Korea that I like to call 가자 (pronounced ga-ja) culture. 가자 means let’s go. Basically, my Korean parents had a tendency to not tell me when there was a plan, and just come to my room and say “가자”. It was quite stressful. I realized that this is a cultural thing. When your parents say 가자, well you just 가자 then. At first this was quite stressful. Why couldn’t they just tell me like, maybe 2 hours in advance? Why couldn’t they ever give me any details? But, now I’m pretty okay with 가자 culture (most of the time-- sometimes the lack of communication and details given still gets on my nerves, but I am a very structured person). I’ve learned to just roll with it, or to go with the flow. I go for what I thought was a short car ride and end up at a random river 30 minutes away with ducks aggressively hissing at me? Okay, cool. (Yes, this happened to me).

8. How to be healthy: I’ve learned a bit of healthiness here. I’ve become physically and mentally healthier here. I lost some kilos, and became less anxious. I’ve learned how to control myself-- my host parents just bought a whole bunch of snacks and bread? Great, I’ll take a banana. I’ve come to crave fruits, vegetables, and healthy foods a lot more than I crave things like ice cream or chocolate. But, that doesn’t mean I never eat those things. It’s about balance. It’s about the mindset. I learned that I shouldn’t constantly deprive myself of all “bad” foods because I want to lose weight. Rather, I should make a conscious decision to eat healthier because I want to be healthier, and I will naturally lose fat (not weight!! muscle weighs more than fat! the number on the scale means wayyy less than they way your body looks, or the way you feel). I’m also extremely physically active here, with all the walking, and muay thai or crossfit every week day. I’ve also learned how to take better care of myself, self-forgiveness, and self-validation. These are important for a healthy mindset. My body needs sleep, food, and water. I have to make sure I give my body those things so that my body and my mind feel better. Sometimes, I lost a bit of my self control, and I ate a lot of sweets or bread because I was feeling bad, but the next day I would forgive myself and try again instead of feeling guilty about it. Self-validation is also very important. My emotions and feelings are valid. I am valid. I used to invalidate the way I was feeling a lot. But, I’ve realized that all emotions are okay and valid. The first step in dealing with emotions is to acknowledge that they are valid. I’ve also learned to take breaks if I really need one. If I’m feeling exhausted and drained, there’s probably a reason.

9. A friend can be made anywhere: Being on an exchange, I have friends from all over the world. I’ve also made friends in so many places. You never know who you’re going to meet in the place you’re at. Maybe someone you’ll meet will become someone very important to you.

10. There is so much love in the world: There was a time in which I could only see that bad in the world. I was really depressed and pessimistic. When I came out of that, I realized I never wanted to think that way again. Sure, there’s bad in the world. That can’t and shouldn’t be ignored. But there’s also so much good and beauty in the world. A whole lot more good than bad. I love people, and I love the world.

11. How to do things for myself and not for others: I like dressing up, taking care of my skin, wearing makeup, and not wearing makeup. But I’ve learned to do those things for myself, and not because I’m concerned with how other people are thinking about me. I do those things to feel more confident with myself, not because I feel like I should. I’ve felt ashamed for wearing makeup, and for not wearing makeup before-- because I was so concerned with how others saw me. Now, I’ll do my makeup if I feel like it.

12. I hate alcohol: I’m really glad I learned this on my exchange. There are some experiences that people just need to have. My experiences with alcohol are something that I needed. I learned that alcohol isn’t as great as it sounds. It tastes disgusting. I can have so much more fun without it. This is for me: I’m not saying this applies to everyone. But for me, I just really really don’t like alcohol. I have no reason to drink it. There are plenty of things that taste way better than alcohol. I’m not demonizing alcohol, either. But, now I know. I’ve had my experience with alcohol, and I’ve learned that I don’t care for it (or the morning after). I’m perfectly fine with some apple juice-- or maybe some milk tea. Those are nice drinks.

13. How to see the good in every day: In America, sometime it felt like every day was the exact same, only a little different. Like okay, different things happened maybe, but in the end it was just the same. Here, I’ve learned how to see the difference in every day, how to notice every good thing that happens every day. I learned this through journaling. I’ve journaled my entire exchange. I journal pretty much every day in detail. Being able to spot the details in every day has made me appreciate them much more.

14. I have something in common with so many more people than I thought: I feel like a lot of the time, it’s easier to see the differences between us and others than it is to see the similarities. I realized that I can relate with so many people-- people different from me in so many ways-- and find something in common with them.

15. Loneliness is okay: Loneliness isn’t always as bad as it’s made out to be. And sometimes, it can be a good thing. Loneliness doesn’t last forever. I’ve learned how to feel more comfortable with myself, how to improve myself, and how to get to know more about myself through loneliness. Sometimes we’re lonely because we need to learn how to be comfortable with ourselves before we can be comfortable with others. Sometimes we’re lonely because we need to fix problems we have with ourselves before we can put that attention into others. And I’ve learned that loneliness is more of a feeling than an actuality for me. I’m not ever really alone. But I feel alone sometimes. In those times, it’s usually because of an inner problem than an outer problem. My loneliness is time for me to put my attention on helping myself.

16. How to love myself: Self love is very important. Every number before this, every thing I’ve learned here and before has contributed to my journey of learning to love myself. When I learned how to love myself, it felt like the world became a different place. But it didn’t. It was just me that changed. Self love changed so many things for me. It’s a real journey. I had ups and downs. And self love doesn’t mean I feel amazing about myself 100% of the time. It means I treat myself like I love myself. Of course there are times when I still feel a bit insecure, but those times don’t consume me like they used to. I’ve learned how to respect myself like I love myself. My self talk is positive. I help myself when I need it. I take care of myself.

That’s all for this post! I hope you enjoyed it :) As always, if you have any questions, my dms are open.

Quick note: I only have 2 more months left in Korea. That’s so crazy. Time goes way too fast. I’m not ready to say goodbye anytime soon. This exchange has been so incredible and life changing. I want to make these last 2 months amazing, and I know I will.

#exchange #foreign exchange #experience #exchange student #youth exchange #Korea #korea school #south korea #self love #self care #learning #life #Life Changes #life lessons #lessons

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hanzi83 · 6 years ago

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Reflection

I never know where to start, and even though I have a nice reflection in my head to sort it out, it feels like after a massive attack that didn’t seem to affect at that moment, but it left me a little shook from it because I guess since I have pissed off a lot of people in the media, wrestling industry, the political spectrum, the Stern Show, and even people I know personally. I go on irrational rants and tangents because when something seems positive, I have a knack for thinking the ambush will come and I transform into such a dark human being, and it is probably because I am online entirely too much. I have tried to stay away, but in this time period with all the craziness, I feel I need to be on top of this ever minute, and because I see what corruption is taking place and no one seems to want to speak out on true evils, it inspires me to feel the need to go at people because I feel they are shilling, and then I sit back and wonder if this is all a game and we are all playing roles. It could be that I am just severely mentally ill and thinking outside the box, in the system’s perception is still very much in a box and because I assume people are 100 steps ahead, I try to think at that level, even though it makes me sound incredibly stupid and insane to people.

It is important for me to write these when I can, because I feel like my mindset and mood changes drastically and sometimes it feels you are going to snap, which people are constantly pushing me to do. The fact that it could be childhood friends I know kepartaking in it drives me crazy because if anyone who is super nice to me in person, and they have this anonymous dark side where they can just fucking harass you. I suspect everyone is a part of systemic clique and there are different factions spread out all over the world. Most people don’t agree with that sentiment because there are assholes online misconstruing what is going on and tying it into some right wing shit and then anyone who believes in those conspiracies are all shunned. It is just scary and that is why I am completely transparent because I know my behavior leaves a lot to be desired, but I know that others in the system are behaving worse than me but are making it look like you are some normal person.

People coming into my platforms to tell me to kill myself and try to scare me by insinuating that Howard sent them and if they are telling the truth, I could point it out and they can claim it is someone just riling me up, but if someone is trying to rile someone up that has mental illness that is also pretty sick. When my mental illness kicks in, it becomes difficult to control and I have paid attention to the patterns that are displayed and what is my threshold for how much of a verbal gang bang I can take and sometimes it feels I reach my limit and feel like I am going to break down.

I destroy the good will I build up in a millisecond because of sick people’s desires to see me snap and the sicker part about it is that it is so disguised, that me seeing through it or thinking I have seen through it, people will not believe me and if they don’t I start to throw one of my many tantrums and then I want to offend everyone and everything because my illness makes me want to get people’s attention and by saying the most vile and harsh things that can be thought of, and just say it. And as good as the rush feels at that moment when the devil takes over, I then feel bad about it, and start to reflect on it and then I bump around between this duality of thinking I was wrong to go on that diatribe or am I really justified because these people are possibly doing something far more dangerous.

I could keep quiet like I have in the past, but keeping quiet about shit built up all this frustration and when I would attempt to in the moments of being “woke” I would be shut down because I didn’t have the confidence or self esteem to stand up for myself so I would go on one of my many breakdowns and then the people causing this would play it both ways by pretending to be concerned and also using the mental illness I have against me because they could do it and who would believe me. It has just transpired on a bigger fucking level when you become kind of known on a national platform and one of the biggest shows in radio history, and then when you think you have taken your licks so you can advance in paying your dues, you then get thrown to the side after you got all the use of my insanity and egging me on to call, which I don’t have any proof of but I am familiar with the patterns and the tactics where the same cycle of madness happens while the powerful party absolve themselves from the responsibility of what they may have caused. When you decide to play a long but still find ways to spew out truth, even with a lot of bullshit mixed with it because you have to act a little crazy to get the word out even if it doesn’t come out in the best representation. It is one thing to take the licks on the show, but then there is a perpetuated toxic fandom that exists where people are organizing to drive people crazy and piss them off so their life is in a constant state of mental chaos. I have taken this so much, and when I see people I know getting their opportunities and because I didn’t play ball because I don’t want to shut up about what my thoughts are, it makes people not want to work with me, or that one some level they are not allowed because behind the real scenes, there are rules and when someone is supposed to make an impact they will be chosen to, since the world is also a stage. To me it is all wrestling. I lose my mind because I don’t know if the intent is to make me stronger mentally or is this just a constant cycle and I will never fully recover from this.

I don’t deserve to be here and the higher powers that I feel run things and can take you out when they want, would just do that to me. Why keep someone here who is just a joke to everyone and will always be told to kill myself and there will always be people in my life that will never stop lying to me and if I dare inquire about it, it is meat with such subtle hostility. None of them would acknowledge what I have written, but I am sure they read this and discuss it amongst their group chats, because I am a fucking cornball and because I talk my shit, assuming they do that already about me, it makes me want to strike on someone preemptively because I feel they will always come for me. It has taken its toll, when you feel like you have been kept out of commission while everyone else has their chance to politic their way and now I see what the world is and how people would gun for your spot at any given moment, and the thought of having advanced knowledge and pretending I didn’t know what was going on and I was purposely putting propaganda out there, I would not know how to deal with it. I am not as strong as you mentally, I have toughened up and I am sure breaking down over the last decade has been incredibly amusing for a lot of you.

I hate that I have to write these and it is the same repeated shit. I am like a fucking sitcom that started off interesting but now I am playing the typical tropes and doing call backs for the sake of it and it doesn’t mean anything. I am simply a joke. I can’t even ask chicks out, because some of them are tainted and are connected with people that would be in their ear. I know it isn’t supposed to be said, but a lot of these relationships are manufactured and people are all fucking each other, but we have to present it like this wholesome type of deal, and I would not want to fall for someone who was sent to monitor me and serve as my handler because I am playing in a game that I never knew existed. This is all my opinion though. I don’t have enough experience or skills and this elaborate theories are the only thing I have concocted that makes me kind of interesting but depending on how sensitive you are, because you might be a part of what I am talking about, you will want the conversation to dial back because it becomes scary that someone lowly as me is a bit smarter than you think.

I feel like making all these enemies because I am on this “fuck the world” bullshit, I feel like people will destroy me mentally and I am just alive merely because I need to be a zoo animal for a lot of people. I know most people view me that way and will continue to view me that way. I can never get close to anyone, and it scares me because I say mean things to push people away because I don’t know if people are keeping me close because they want to keep their enemies closer and then they wait it out and when the time is right, I am out of there. The world is a scary fucking place. People don’t want to wake up to this and the ones who are, are pretending they are not because it would affect their bank account. It is fucked up. I will never be able to escape this mental prison. I feel like speaking out has really had its consequences mentally. I am beaten. I can say this because people will think it is the right time to add on to it, but then you are not ready for my insults, even as disrespectful as I have to get to make an asshole troll feel like shit.

If it were people who were just messing around, I get it, that exists, but there is a plethora of people that partake in organized harassment and strike when they need to. Some people do it for the sake of evil, and some do it for the sake of lesser evil. I know these blogs are boring and repetitive but it is all I have, because I can’t talk to anyone about this and not having people understand my view, when I have constantly bought into the official narrative view and there is always something has been misleading about it and then pretending they never had messed up and it only becomes a convenient truth when they need to profit off it. This is why I am afraid people will cover this organized harassment I am facing from potentially of someone who is a big mogul in the game. It fucks with your head that someone could be revered within his industry and it just makes me wonder if people are scared to speak out or is everyone just a bunch of assholes.

I hate writing these because I know it will be inevitable that I will have another blog where I spew venom, after all my birthday is coming up and it always solidifies that my existence is truly shit because I am lucky if it gets acknowledged by anyone in my life personally so much so that I decide not to wish any of them a happy birthday because I know they will not include with their celebrations due to being connected to people higher up on the food chain and then the ones I am invited to are extremely limited and more so a distraction, at least I feel, and then I spin out of control that people locally will show off their exuberate and fancy lifestyle but in such a transparent mixed subtly and then if I further ask questions I will get an uncomfortable response and if I don’t inquire, my mental illness kicks in. I start mixing up the past with the future and apply what was done back then will repeat itself in a more nuanced presentation and instead of having to face that I would rather face death. I know I have to continue living and seeing everyone else winning and them knowing they used my connection to those higher ups and then tried making me humble when they are the ones who should be humble to me.

This is why I am poisonous for the world. People have profited enough, and they got away so okay fine, you win. I fucking lose. Can I leave now? “Why can’t you just fucking kill yourself” because whether you want to buy into my conspiracy, that if you are meant to die you will die, if someone who is supposed to be here attempts that task then they will be brought back or it will be made to be botched and then they have carte blanche to have control of someone. Not like they don’t already but even more an embarrassing and humiliating fashion on the surface so people can make you a fucking meme. No one wants to fucking see that truth and I understand I am small potatoes with what is going on, but when people in the system pretend they care about mental illness and I have been expressing my anger with what is going on and since no one will believe a word I say because it is not convenient for right now. It feels like they will probably look into it if something happens and it becomes too late, then they all will cover their bases and state “Oh my god, I didn’t even know, did you guys know?” jargon.

I don’t know if I will ever get better. I will never be on people’s level. It would be best for everyone if you thought about taking me out. I will continue living unfortunately but always know at the bottom of my heart I root for myself to be gone because too much has fucked with my weak mind and I always have been kind of brainwashed by plethora of things over my life and then getting extra mad about how I didn’t see it sooner and that is why I have been acting like a petulant child because everything that I thought I knew has completely done a mind fuck of a trick on me and fucked my brain up. And then I feel like because others have been fucked with and the people don’t have any idea and then pile on people while thinking you are doing it as freedom but you are doing it at behest of a shady system that controls the narratives.

#hanzi 2018 stern show howard trolls harassment anonymous mental illness #social media attention depressed shit head local

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rogerrachel1995 · 4 years ago

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How To Stop A Midlife Crisis Divorce

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steamishot · 5 years ago

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Changes

~4/21? I think my mindset shifted a lot this past week, especially after staying with Matt and his family for a few days. Admittedly, I used to be very fearful of going outside to public spaces and be extra cautious every time I did take out. For example, my family and I have “outside clothes” and “inside clothes”. I would immediately toss my “outside” clothes into my laundry basket when I arrived home from the market or picking up food, even if I was out for just 5 minutes. My parents were against me doing any uber eats or takeout. They believed home cooked food was the best during this time and refused to eat non-homemade food. My mom left the house less than 2 times this past month. My dad is less fearful - he’s gone out multiple times a week (to buy food and for work) and doesn’t really care, but my mom and I always gave him shit for doing so. I felt like a huge hypocrite going out to see Matt, and was afraid of how my family would react.

I’m really awkward whenever talking about love or romantic partners with my family - especially after what happened with my last parter. I’m avoidant. So I ended up only telling my mom I was going to leave to see Matt 30 minutes before I actually did pack up to go, which was very bad on my part. She was heartbroken and was super fearful and asked “can you not?”. She later called me during the car ride and told me not to come home for a month. Hearing that made Matt feel guilty, and he called my mom’s idea stupid. We got into a huge argument, with me trying to defend my family. I found out later there was some underlying resentment, where he felt like my family treats him like second-rate, which is probably my fault because I choose not to talk about partners to my family.

4/25- it’s now been over a week that Matt has been home and I’ve seen his family every single day even on the days that we were staying at the Airbnb. Things have been kinda tense between us (I think he’s being mean to me, he thinks I’m mean to him). I realize that this is due to several issues:

- Quarantine/pandemic stresses: he’s a frontline worker in the epicenter of covid and working at one of the hardest hit hospitals. Even though he doesn’t verbally acknowledge his feelings and pretends he’s ok, he’s definitely more stressed out than usual. During this time, he’s even more sensitive to any criticism I have. He used to take it all (mostly), but he’s been retaliating more often recently. On his end, he feels that his whole life is a sacrifice, and he’s working extremely hard especially during this scary time - why do I have to criticize him during his vacation? I should just let him enjoy himself.

-Attention: We’re staying with his family during this time, so it’s his time to catch up with everyone. He’s also catching up with his friends online. Because these are the people he rarely talks to (he calls me everyday vs. calling family for like 5 min once a week, and never calling/texting his friends), I have become last on the priority list in attention during his vacation. I keep telling myself it’s fine. However, because I’m also the person he is closest to, I feel like it’s me who puts up with his shit the most. Then I question, why do I have to be so nice to someone who is not very fit as a good partner (due to residency, especially during a time like covid), and on top of that has to be rude to me? I started feeling salty about that.

- Lack of comfort: not to be ungrateful, but I realize that staying at someone else’s home for an extended period of time is stressful, even more so under quarantine. I’m not carefree at his home, and I feel like I have to be on my best behavior/ “professional” around his parents. I lose structure in my daily life and I always have to depend on someone else. I have a few articles of clothing I’m wearing over and over lol. His dad generously gave us his room (because it’s attached to a restroom). However, we’re sleeping on an old spring mattress that creeks with every movement. We’ve had to have quiet, inhibited sex lol.

Anyway, I’m PMSing - 6 days before my period. I hate that I tend to PMS during the times that we have to spend together. I know my concerns are legit, but PMS can make it seem worse/more dramatic than what it is. I was watching Insecure season 4 yesterday, and there was a scene that stuck out to me. Issa’s best friend Molly (who has been single for quite some time) started dating a guy that she really likes. A few weeks later, she got upset that he wasn’t opening up to her. Issa asked something along the lines of “do you actually wanna be happy? you keep looking for problems.” Hearing that kinda put things into perspective for me, as I tend to focus on the negatives than see things as a whole.

Let’s focus on positive things:

- Having a partner in healthcare feels like having the fastpass in an amusement park. Going to costco and beating the line. Free stuff/food everyday. His mom is a PT at USC and she’s received free food, free orchids, free tangerines, etc. I stopped feeling guilty about being out for non-essential things (like going out for take out multiple times a day), because my doctor partner deserves it. When I return to my life at home, I’m not going to do this anymore. Also, he had a healthcare worker discount at the north face, and bought a jacket for me, his mom, and himself.

- Running. The men in his family are all into running. His dad is almost mid-60s and runs 5 miles multiple times a week. His teenage brother runs 7-9 miles like everyday. Matt used to run a lot too, and was the top runner in high school. That’s why even though he’s fat now, it’s only his upper body that is actually fat. His lower body still has that runner’s physique. I went out to the trail with them 3 times already. It’s hard because I have allergies in this weather, and also it’s damn hot. But I was able to run 3.5 miles last time. I’ll try for 4 today.

- Everyday, his parents always ask him what I want to eat. They’re so accommodating, especially his dad. Tea is sacred to his dad, and he never really shared before. No one else in his family was interested in tea either. But because I showed interest and love tea, he’s been asking me multiple times a day - do you want tea? Do you want wine? LOL. He buys breakfast everyday - dimsum, burger king, mcdonalds, chinese breakfast, etc. They always make sure I am fed.

4/30 - after I wrote my last blurb, everything started going uphill. We both became more understanding of each other, and more forgiving. He became more relaxed, I became more relaxed. We were able to have fun again. to highlight the fun times that i had with him and his family:

- the first or second day i was over at his parents house, his dad offered me some tea, but i declined because it was already late and i was afraid i wouldn’t be able to sleep. i asked if we could take some tea leaves to go since were staying at an airbnb at the time. matt says he’s protective of his tea. i think he was a little shocked when i first asked him, because no one in his family is interested in tea, but he gave me like 2 bags initially. his mom was like GIVE HER MORE, GIVE HER 10. SHE IS LIKE FAMILY. i felt a little awkward but i love me some tea.

- did so. much. takeout in 13 days. the first couple days I was still kinda paranoid about going out, but by the last day it felt like NBD to me. Got to eat poke, sugarfish sushi, nabemono hot pot, pho x3, banh mi, boba everyday, ramen x2 (men oh, ramenhood), burgers x3 (in n out, bunz, the win-dow), sugar cane x2, taro cake, yin ji chang fen, thai, philz, dim sum etc. it was reminiscent of our lifestyle whenever we went on vacation. we were still fatasses during quarantine.

- played board games with his brother and mom. played poker with the family and his dad. his younger brother and i lost early on cause we suck, but he and his dad continued playing for another hour and a half or so - matt ended up winning. but it was very nice to see them spend time together as spending time playing games like that was never a thing in their family

- i helped his family take some cute family photos (with and without masks on). his mom likes taking family photos and usually gets to do so on family trips, but said they didn’t get any this year because of the quarantine. the boys aren’t big fans of photos either so she took advantage of me being there. i was also part of a few family photos!

- made charcuterie boards for his family. they really enjoyed it.

- i spent some quality time with his 88 year old grandma. she mostly does her own thing (which is being babysat by an ipad), but one day i made her draw with me by following youtube tutorials - we drew a flower, mickey mouse, a cat, and a monkey together. she asked me to save a video so she can continue doing it and get better. another day, i wanted to have her write/read in english and chinese. his mom found an elementary chinese workbook and she ended up teaching me. the material was very easy and she was like “uh you’re already very good” lol. i then switched the roles and asked her to write in english - she was surprisingly very good and could write quite quickly. as an assignment, i asked her to write a letter to matt. it was precious. it took me back to the days where i would teach english to chinese seniors. i took a pic of them using my instax camera, and she really loved it.

- watched farewell with his grandma, brother, and mom. we already watched it once before so he was sitting in the back only paying half attention. his brother was immediately into it and got emotional at times. at one point, he had to stand up and go towards the back of the room because the emotions were too much to handle. matt said his brother was tearing up. his mom said that watching their family was very relatable and it reminded her of her own family. i tried watching this film with my mom and grandma, but they didn’t get it and found it boring. it was nice to watch a chinese-american film with a chinese family to get that commentary.

- ran/walked/jogged at the trail a total of 20 miles during my stay there

- did home work outs - yoga, blogilates and peloton HIIT with him, his family and friends. we did echo park steve’s yoga one day too. his mom enjoyed peloton yoga and blogilates and asked me to save the videos for her.

- in the first few days, his mom kept repeating “life is beautiful”. the first day, we cheered to him still being alive lol. (not funny and his mom was sleepless a few nights due to worrying, but i think it’s gonna be ok)

- news so I can remember: 3 programs in cali reached out to matt during his vacation, asking if he’s still interested in interviewing for a PGY-2 program. loma linda was one of them and would have been an amazing program to be a part of. it was a very hard decision, but he declined. he had already signed a contract with brooklyn, and this would require him to speak to his program director about his interest in switching programs. not a good look if you don’t actually get into the program.

- his parents (moreso mom) is an avid, adventurous traveler. they had plans to go to africa this year and talked about rescheduling. she included matt and i in the plans to go next year and said “the four of us”. matt brought up norway instead, since that’s more doable. so we settled on going to norway as a family.

- went with matt’s dad to drop him off at LAX yesterday morning at like 6:30am. he then dropped me at home, and officially met my mom for the first time. they shook hands and he told my mom “connie is so nice”. LOL.

After coming home yesterday, my mom bombarded me with questions about matt and his family. and then asked about our future and whether we are thinking of marriage. she is against me moving to nyc during this pandemic, and i hate how uncertain everything is right now. she also thinks that i should be engaged before i uproot my life to move over to be with him. i agree to an extent, but i also understand if he is not ready. it is crazy that we have now been long distance longer than being together in person, and with this pandemic, i’m not sure how long that’s gonna continue. i found out that my mom feels ashamed of me going to stay at a boy’s house for that long. a boy i am not engaged/married to. she doesn’t say it but the actions make me seem slutty to traditional people. she hid the information from my brother and SIL - i think because she would be ashamed if the info leaked out to her parents. that is why she keeps pushing the idea of marriage/engagement on me.

I took yesterday to kinda get used to being back at home, and felt quite sad to detach from my “second family”. In a way, even though it wasn’t always comfortable or easy, I at least felt I wasn’t stagnant. It was like a “bootcamp” to fit in with someone else’s family, their routines, and their daily lives. I’m also happy that I was pushed to run. They eat pretty heavy food, and they all overeat, but they also exercise a lot. My family portions well and eats very clean, but has milder workouts. Sometimes they intentionally skip meals to lose/maintain weight, whereas my family would throw a fit if we didn’t have food at a certain time. Their family is larger (130-190lbs), whereas my family is like (110-150 lbs)? After coming back home and eating my mom’s very clean food, I felt it wasn’t as tasty and I started craving heavier food lol. I think it would be beneficial for me to eat/live like their family for a few months (to gain weight and be stronger), and for matt to eat like my family to lose weight.

When we were eating takeout ramen one day, his mom mentioned that he never used to eat carbs. When he was at home and had a workout routine, it was just protein and veggies. I realize that without me, he probably wouldn’t be such a fatass lol. He said he would probably be too lazy to go out to eat, especially if he didn’t have a partner. I remembered that before meeting me, his diet would be soylent and protein bars. We’ve come a long way.

Anyway, I’m finally getting back into my routine at home. It’s kinda boring now, but I’ll adjust. I did only the minimum for work these past two weeks, and now UC Path is down for a week, meaning I can’t really do much work. I’m taking a half day tomorrow, using COVID admin pay. My tomato plants grew a lot. My ginger may have sprouted a little, but my strawberries seem like they’re a fail. Finally applied for PUA for my uncle, hope he will be receiving a paycheck soon. Supposed to get my period really soon so I’ve been feeling pretty lazy. I may start running outside on my own.

I’m worrying less about covid now. I used to freak myself out by reading the news everyday and following the subreddit, but looking at statistics, I feel ok.

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all-about-wannaone · 7 years ago

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Wanna One as Princes [Part 3]

Before my school holidays come to an end today, this also marks the conclusion to this requested “Wanna One as Princes” series. :’) This is actually my first time attempting this kind of scenario writing due to the fact that I tend to write either full-on scenarios or simple categorisations with a rationale. Hence, thank you @theresnowarinbasingse for requesting and I really did have a lot of fun writing this. :) For this time around, I had less of a “writer’s block” and hence ended up with a relatively long bullet list for the remaining members of the band. ^^;; Nevertheless, thank you all for your support and I wish you guys another happy reading experience for the third and final part to this series. :)

PART 1: Yoon Jisung, Ha Sungwoon, Hwang Minhyun, Ong Seongwoo

PART 2: Kim Jaehwan, Kang Daniel, Park Jihoon, Park Woojin

Bae Jinyoung:

Will definitely be mistaken for a scholar, tutor or an extremely young government official because his head is always in the books.

Even when he is walking around town, his head will be buried in a new book every 3 days.

Probably developed a skill of walking without bumping into people when he is too absorbed in the text.

Brings about an aura of gentleness and intelligence; all the ladies seem to take notice of him, especially with the way he looks and his decently tall height.

Gets flustered when people bow and greet him, but returns the greeting with a smile and a nod (which leads to a bunch of squealing girls behind him)

Has hidden spots in the city which only he knows of and they are extremely scenic; loves to go to those places to clear his mind and forget his worries for a while.

Also needs a personal bodyguard because of his tendency to wander to these scenic areas.

Always deep in thought thinking of new ways to improve the people’s lives and is pretty innovative.

Delivers without needing to be asked and this leads to a peaceful, hopeful and happy community that he takes care of.

Word will reach him on the success of his new project; if it works, he will smile to himself and heave a sigh of relief. If not, he will go down on site to find out a little bit more with a positive attitude and can be counted on to make the necessary improvements.

Has an extremely friendly relationship with his community and they would casually invite them to their houses for a chat over tea or even a meal.

Loves children and animals; tells the children interesting stories of all the books he has read and is always seen caring for the dog in the city centre.

Probably writes novels or children’s books when he is free under the alias “Prince”.

All in all, he is gentle, sweet, thoughtful and hardworking despite his young age, showing his maturity to be worthy of a prince.

Still, it is recommended not to fool around with this prince, because he is also capable of dismissing incompetent, lazy and untrustworthy officials.

A little clumsy with the sword as well but has a deadly affinity with unconventional weapons and probably has a better knowledge of poisons than actual swords.

Still tries his best anyway and forces himself to read a bit more into the history of swords to aid his appreciation.

His awkward and slightly nervous nature would definitely be brought into his love life, because of the response that he might get.

Prefers to observe first before striking up a casual (and awkward) conversation to get to know her better.

When he wants to tell her, he’ll probably go “Would you possibly, maybe, likely go out with me? Only if you want to of course!” before getting all red faced; probably said this looking at the floor smh.

Has to repeat it because she could not hear and he inwardly cringes as he tries again, only to be greeted back with a grateful smile and a shy kiss on his cheek.

Lee Daehwi:

Similar to Woojin, he would also be mistaken to be a young and innocent teenager who seems too pure in such a cruel world.

Looks too young for his own good; people have doubts about him.

Shocked when they find out that he is actually the true prince and soon start treating him with the respect he deserves.

Returns the greeting with an enthusiastic bow and a bright smile, confusing others because he bows lower than the people themselves when they greet him.

Full of hope, optimism and only sees the good in people; always seen with the brightest smile which definitely brightens up someone’s day when people see him.

Earned the nickname “Walking Sunshine”.

Definitely has a personal bodyguard because of his naive personality, making sure that he does not get into any sort of trouble.

The older people treat him like he’s their own son and often give him homemade snacks and sweets, or perhaps cook him a simple homecooked meal.

Always grateful and is a great listener, whether it’s to the elderly, teenagers his age, the adults or toddlers, and everyone has a friendly relation with him.

Will go back to the palace to see how problems can be solved and will discuss them with his officials with as much seriousness as he can muster.

Luckily, all his officials are level-headed and are free of corruption, realising that the prince has quite a bit to learn but give their input anyway to the best of their ability.

Will try his best to rectify any issues, from basic necessities to solving neighbourly conflicts.

Might not always work, but is always seeking new, efficient and effective ways by reading up on history, writings passed down by generals and society.

Recognised for his hard work and determination by his teachers, parents, government officials, friends and the community.

The community turns out to be relatively peaceful, grateful and hopeful too; mirroring exactly what they see from the prince.

Is often seen taking care of stray animals which lie around the palace grounds or joining the teenagers for a game of football to de-stress.

Sometimes, he wishes that he was not born in a royal family because of the many rules and the requirements and often turns to his eunuch for deep conversations about life and how to overcome his personal obstacles.

Sweet, kind, positive, resilient and has an appreciation for objects and trinkets hand made by the local people (or the Arts in general).

Does not like combat classes because he hates to be involved in conflict which might hurt others; still trains with a wooden sword until he is ready to take on a real one.

With his pure, naive and happy nature, he is probably bound to confess by accident.

When the girl does something such as being clueless about simple things or cracks a really bad joke, he would say, “Why do I like you again?”

Gets all surprised when he realised what he said and plays it off; hoping and praying that the girl would like him back. (of course she would omg he’s such a smol so why not)

Lai Guanlin:

Possibly the youngest official prince that anyone has ever known and even the people are still surprised that he is their prince.

Might be young but is mature for his age and looks the part; extremely noticeable that he is a part of the royal family.

Doesn’t speak very much and occasionally nods in acknowledgement when people greet him, giving a small smile.

Extremely tall so no one really picks or doubts him in any way; looks confident in the way he carries himself and people look up to him (both literally and figuratively)

Usually finds out about the community’s issues from a lady who sells homemade snacks and sweets.

Treats him like he’s her own son too and he is always patronising her stall (he’s a young boy who loves treats like hers)

Gives some form of input but spends most of his time listening as he eats; a great listener to the people’s concerns and issues that they want to change.

Pretty well read and is a quick thinker; able to rectify issues in less than 3 days.

Everyone’s role model, especially for the sons in the community and they are encouraged to sign up for the examinations to become a government official.

Quick to spot incompetence, deception and possible hidden agendas so nobody dares to fool around under his watchful eye.

Only becomes a kid around children (whom he entertains physically) and animals (especially dogs) and shows his more childish side.

Usually found in the palace garden’s main pavilion doing his work and reading; finds his state of calm there.

Serious prince most of the time, but has his moments when he wishes that he could be like ordinary kids (but doesn’t show it)

Another perfect package and is one of the favourite students; good learner, caring personality, smart, appreciates the little things in life and is always willing to perfect his skills.

Adores his younger brother (ahem seonho ahem) and takes care of him extremely well.

The community follows after him; family-like, hard working and incredibly resilient because they can trust their royal family.

Does not really have any sentiments towards combat classes but he just sees it as something that is absolutely necessary if he wants to become a strong and dependable prince for his people.

Not exactly the best when it comes to handling weapons but practices tirelessly under the guidance of his palace guards and sensei.

When it comes to the girl he likes, it will probably be one of those normal confessions (because he is young and does not know very much apart from being completely honest).

Would be quiet and lowkey, but would show more of his inner self i.e. smiling more, opening up and just being at ease for once.

When he’s comfortable, he will ask the girl first because to him, it is less scary that way and he would be able to better judge his reactions depending on the answer.

If she says yes, he will smile extremely brightly and go, “Great, because I like you a lot too.” and if not (why would you do that to such a puppy), he will just nod and move on eventually with a mature mindset.

And with that, I have officially come to the end of this series! ^^ Once again, I would like to thank you all for keeping up with the series and actually having the patience to read through this entire imagine. :) Honestly, I never expected to get that much attention from this blog, considering how many other great Produce 101/ Wanna One blogs there are out there. Now, I stand at a total of 455 notes across 30 posts and 89 followers strong! ^^ Thank you for all your support once again and I don’t know where I would be without you guys leaving your notes and reblogs. :) They might seem small, but they sure make an impact on the writer. :)

Finally, as for requests. I will be taking them in all the way until Sunday, 1st July 2017. To request, simply head over to drop them via messaging or my ask box if you would like to see more of these “Wanna One as ______” posts! ^^ Hope to see you guys there soon and I hope you guys have had a fun time so far imagining the boys in royal garments as princes in an alternate universe. :)

Goodbye for now and see you guys again soon with more requests! ^^

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2whatcom-blog · 6 years ago

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How the Loss of life Optimistic Motion Is Coming to Life

Taking a mud nap. Biting the massive one. Gone -- without end. Given the gloom and painful finality with which we talk about loss of life, it is no marvel that 56.four % of Individuals are "afraid" or "very afraid" of the individuals they love dying, in keeping with a Chapman College research. The cultural mindset is that it is one thing horrible to be prevented -- though it occurs to all of us. However lately, individuals from all walks of life have begun to publicly push again in opposition to that oxymoronic thought. It is known as the loss of life optimistic motion, and the aim is not to make loss of life out of date. This mind-set merely argues that "cultural censorship" of loss of life is not doing us any favors. The truth is, it is chopping into the precious time we have now whereas we're nonetheless alive.

What does that seem like, precisely?

This rebranding of loss of life contains end-of-life doulas, loss of life cafes (informal get-togethers the place individuals chat about dying), funeral properties that allow you to gown the one you love's physique for his or her cremation or be current for it. There's even the WeCroak app, which delivers 5 death-relevant quotes to your telephone every day. ("Don't forget," a display reminder will gently nudge, "you're going to die.") But regardless of its title, the loss of life optimistic motion is not a yellow smiley face-substitute for grief. As an alternative, "it's a way of moving toward neutral acceptance of death and embracing values which make us more conscious of our day-to-day living," defined Robert Neimeyer, PhD, director of the Portland Institute for Loss and Transition, which gives coaching and certification in grief remedy.

Loss of life as a optimistic mindset

Though it is onerous to think about, what with our 24-hour information cycle that feeds on fatalities, loss of life hasn't all the time been such a terrifying prospect. Effectively, at the very least early loss of life was extra commonplace. Again in 1880, the typical American was solely anticipated to stay to see their 39th birthday. However "as medicine has advanced, so has death become more remote," defined Ralph White. White is the co-founder of the the New York Open Heart, an impressed studying middle that launched the Artwork of Dying Institute. That is an initiative with a mission to reshape the understanding of loss of life. Research present that 80 % of Individuals would like to take their final breath at dwelling, but solely 20 % do. Sixty % die in hospitals, whereas 20 % stay their final days in nursing properties. "Doctors are trained to experience the death of their patients as failure, so everything is done to prolong life," White stated. "Many people use up their life savings in the last six months of their lives on ultimately futile medical interventions." When the institute was based 4 years in the past, attendees usually had knowledgeable motivation. They have been hospice nurses, for example, or most cancers medical doctors, social staff, or chaplains. At present, members are sometimes simply curious people. "We consider this a reflection of American culture's growing openness to addressing death and dying more candidly," White stated. "The common thread is that they're all willing to engage with the profound questions around dying: How do we best prepare? How can we make the experience less frightening to ourselves and others? What might we expect if consciousness continues after death? What are the most effective and compassionate ways of working with the dying and their families?" "The death of another can often crack us open and reveal aspects of ourselves that we don't always want to see, acknowledge, or feel," added Tisha Ford, supervisor of institutes and long-term trainings for the NY Open Heart. "The more we deny death's existence, the easier it is to keep those parts of ourselves neatly tucked away."

Loss of life as a neighborhood builder

In 2010, Katie Williams, a former palliative care nurse, was attending a gathering for lifelong learners in her hometown of Rotorua, New Zealand, when the chief requested if anybody had new concepts for golf equipment. Williams did. She instructed she might construct her personal coffin. "It was a shot from somewhere and totally not a considered idea," stated Williams, now 80. "There was no forward planning and little skill background." And but, her Coffin Membership generated large curiosity. Williams known as up associates between the ages of 70 and 90 with carpentry or design abilities she thought might be helpful. With the assistance of an area funeral director, they started constructing and adorning coffins in William's storage. "Most found the idea appealing and the creativity exciting," stated Williams. "It was an incredible social time, and many found the friendships they made very valuable." 9 years later, though they've since moved to a bigger facility, Williams and her Coffin Membership members nonetheless meet each Wednesday afternoon. Kids and grandchildren usually come too. "We think it's important that the young family members come help them to normalize the fact that people die," defined Williams. "There's been so much 'head in the sand' thinking involved with death and dying." Youthful adults have proven as much as make coffins for terminally sick dad and mom or grandparents. So have households or shut associates experiencing a loss of life. "There's lots of crying, laughing, love and sadness, but it has been very therapeutic as all ages are involved," stated Williams. There are actually a number of Coffin Golf equipment throughout New Zealand, in addition to different elements of the world, together with the USA. But it surely's much less in regards to the ultimate product and extra in regards to the firm, Williams identified. "It gives the opportunity to voice concerns, get advice, tell stories and mingle in a free, open way," stated Williams. "To many who come, it's an outing each week that they cherish."

Loss of life as a life changer

Janie Rakow, an end-of-life doula, hasn't simply modified her life due to loss of life. She helps others do the identical. A company accountant for 20 years, Rakow nonetheless vividly remembers being mid-workout at a gymnasium when planes struck the World Commerce Towers on September 11, 2001. "I remember saying to myself, 'Life can change in one second,'" stated the Paramus, New Jersey, resident. "That day, I wanted to change my life." Rakow stop her job and began volunteering at an area hospice, providing emotional and non secular help to sufferers and their households. The expertise profoundly modified her. "People say, 'Oh my gosh, it must be so depressing,' but it's just the opposite," Rakow stated. Rakow educated to grow to be an end-of-life doula and co-founded the Worldwide Finish of Life Doula Affiliation (INELDA) in 2015. Since then, the group has educated over 2,000 individuals. A latest program in Portland, Oregon, offered out. Throughout an individual's final days of life, end-of-life doulas fill a spot that hospice staff merely haven't got the time for. Apart from helping with bodily wants, doulas assist shoppers discover which means of their life and create an enduring legacy. That may imply compiling favourite recipes right into a ebook for members of the family, writing letters to an unborn grandchild, or serving to to clear the air with a cherished one. Generally, it is merely sitting down and asking, "So, what was your life like?" "We've all touched other people's lives," stated Rakow. "Just by talking to someone, we can uncover the little threads that run through and connect." Doulas also can assist create a "vigil plan" -- a blueprint of what the dying individual would really like their loss of life to seem like, whether or not at dwelling or in hospice. It may possibly embrace what music to play, readings to be shared aloud, even what a dying area could seem like. Finish-of-life doulas clarify indicators of the dying course of to household and associates, and afterward the doulas stick round to assist them course of the vary of feelings they're feeling. When you're considering it is not to date faraway from what a delivery doula does, you would be appropriate. "It's a big misconception that death is so scary," stated Rakow. "99 percent of the deaths I've witnessed are calm and peaceful. It can be a beautiful experience. People need to be open to that." Read the full article

#2what.com #death #dying #it’s #williams

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cladeymoore · 4 years ago

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Post-COVID-19, Coinbase will be a remote-first company

Post COVID-19, Coinbase will be a remote-first company

I sent the note below to employees earlier today. I’m sharing it publicly here in case others find it helpful.

People are trading and using cryptocurrency more and more during this economic crisis we’re in, getting interested in sound money and what the cryptoeconomy can offer. Coinbase is continuing to hire and grow during this time period. If you’re interested in helping create this new culture with us, please check out our open roles (soon to be updated with more remote positions).

Hey all,

Tl;dr:

After the restrictions of quarantine are over, Coinbase will embrace being “remote-first,” meaning we will offer the option to work in an office or remotely for the vast majority of roles.

Whether in an office or remote, being “remote-first” means we will all need to shift how we work.

We know you have lots of questions. We don’t have all the answers yet, but we’re working on it.

I believe that the future of work will look very different after the universal, forced work from home experiment of COVID-19. Over the last two months, I have come to believe that not only is remote work here to stay, but that it represents a huge opportunity and strategic advantage for us. Today, I’m excited to share that the future of Coinbase is remote-first.

This means that in the future, anyone who wants to, can continue to work from an office. That won’t change. What is changing is that (almost) any employee who prefers to work outside of an office, can. For many employees, it will probably be a mix of both. But for all of us, being remote-first requires a mindset and behavioral shift. It means that the employee experience should be the same, whether you’re in an office one day a week, five days a week, or never.

This change was initiated by social distancing requirements, but we’ve found silver linings: some employees are finding work from home to be a welcome change, and overall it’s been less complicated to transition than we would have expected.

I want to acknowledge that none of us signed up to work at a remote-first company. But whether this prospect is exciting or scary, please take your time in reading this note. I hope you can come to see this moment, like I do, as an opportunity to have a hand in inventing the future of work.

This is a big decision. How did we get here?

There were two major considerations making this decision: one practical, and one strategic.

On a practical level, as countries around the world have emerged from quarantines, we’ve seen broad direction to adopt measures like six feet of separation between people in offices. This is likely to be our reality soon. To be concrete: with six feet between all employees in an office, even if we moved into every floor of our SF HQ, we wouldn’t have enough space to bring all current SF employees back, let alone hire more.

So at least in the short- to medium-term, we must remain at least partially remote. If this is something we must do, I want Coinbase to lean toward, not away from, this new way of working. I want us to choose innovation, and make our company an extension of the values of crypto.

This is where the strategic consideration comes in: If you’ve been at Coinbase for some time, you know we’ve gone back and forth on remote work in the last few years. The difference now is that this has been an experiment in being remote-first. While the transition hasn’t been seamless, there has been less operational complexity than we expected, and we believe there will be substantial strategic advantages in a mix of remote and in-office work going forward, specifically:

Part of the vision for Coinbase is to create a world with more economic freedom, and not being tied to one location is a key part of this. A mix of in-office and remote work allows us to “de-risk” centralizing too much in a single location.

After a period of WFH, we think remote work (or part in-office and part remote) are options that many people, including the top talent we’re focused on hiring, will come to expect from employers. It also means we can capture top talent from all over the world.

What exactly do we mean, when we say “remote-first”?

I wrote about this in my blog post, but this will be about how you work, not where you work.

Again, this shift is about optionality. We intend to offer remote work to all of our employees who want it, while maintaining the ability to work from an office for those who don’t. At a remote-first Coinbase:

There are no explicit or implicit disadvantages to working from any location: all employees have the same experience regardless of where they are.

Some people can’t or won’t want to work remotely, so we plan to continue having physical offices in major hub cities.

Over time, the vision is to have one floor of office space in ten cities, rather than ten floors of office space in one city.

We’ll open up most new roles to remote candidates, and maintain a high bar for important skills like communication.

In practice, being remote-first means new ways of working, like less assigned seating, in-office folks dial into meetings separately vs. meeting in person, documenting everything (so people don’t rely on synchronously asking questions), etc.

We’re estimating that between 20–60% of the company will work remotely to start (once the restrictions of COVID-19 are lifted). If this is a success, we expect our remote population to grow organically.

This will require a huge shift in how we do things. How will we get there?

There are risks to making this transition, and there are still many questions to answer: What does collaboration look like? How can we make sure remote folks can get proper home set-ups? How will remote-first Learning and Development work? To address all of these, we will form a cross-functional team to oversee this transition. This group will identify the changes we must make to become a remote-first company (e.g., around people management, recruiting/talent, culture and connection, and documentation and async work…), host open design sessions with all of you to surface ideas, considerations, dependencies, and concerns, and partner with internal experts to redesign how all of this works for a remote-first Coinbase.

What comes next?

I want to remind you that the version of remote work you’re experiencing now is NOT normal, or what we’re proposing here (someday we’ll have the option of working from an office when we feel like it, can have team retreats and holiday parties again, our kids will be back in school, and we can see our friends). This is the beginning of a journey, this is how we’re finding advantage in adversity.

I believe that the work we do through this process will essentially generate a playbook for other companies in their transition to become remote-first, and that what we do in this moment could influence many companies’ paths forward.

There are a lot of unknowns, and I’m sure you have a lot of questions. In the spirit of defaulting to open, we wanted to share this decision early, even if we don’t have the answers to those questions yet. Our very first step is to surface all of your questions, concerns, and reactions, so we can address them over the following months. We’ve created a new channel to collect these, #ask-remote-first, and take the next steps in this new chapter for Coinbase.

More to come very soon,

Brian

Post-COVID-19, Coinbase will be a remote-first company was originally published in The Coinbase Blog on Medium, where people are continuing the conversation by highlighting and responding to this story.

from Money 101 https://blog.coinbase.com/post-covid-19-coinbase-will-be-a-remote-first-company-cdac6e621df7?source=rss----c114225aeaf7---4 via http://www.rssmix.com/

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