#& ive got a game tonight so ????
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#tw suicide#idk i feel like i am probably gonna kms after TIT#i would do it sooner but i asked one of my friends to come with me and it would suck if i made him go alone#and it is something to look forward to which is helping me hang on i guess#but ughhhh once uni starts again in september i know everything is gonna fall apart.#i already got an extension on my thesis due to being a useless shell of a person who can't motivate themselves to do anything atm#but i was supposed to get some work done over the summer and have so far done nothing#hence why i want to kms before i have to talk to my fucking supervisors again and admit yet again that i simply cannot do this 😭#and it's not just this. my executive dysfunction has been so bad over the past couple of years and it's only getting worse#to the point where i can't imagine being able to work at all. and if i can't work i can't get out of my parents house#and then what the fuck is the point.#every time i see someone on here talking about bonding with their parents over dnp I'm like damn what's it like#to have parents who actually want to talk to you DSFGJJKL i know they let me live in their house at my big age#but that's only bc id literally be homeless otherwise and they're not like evil. they just don't love me#also went through a deeply embarrassing breakup recently#tl;dr ive been in love with this person for over a decade and i thought they were the dan to my phil or vice versa.#then after 10 years they left me and i'll spare the details but it has me wondering if they ever loved me#i thought it was a “let's live together and get a cat one day” relationship#but now i feel like for them. it was just a “sex and video games” type situation#i am trying soooo hard to at least be creative bc that makes me happy sometimes but it's hard to not be overly critical of myself#and now im getting to a point where i can barely even find any joy in this space any more. for a bunch of reasons#most of which revolve around me being extremely sensitive. and this is like my last bastion of dopamine so that fucking sucks#idk i don't see the point in my life any more. a social worker actually told me recently that i should consider euthanasia so.#it's just completely over for me i fear#this is not even mentioning all the damn migraines. and all the other ways in which my body simply doesn't work properly#sorry for this weird ass vent I'm not in therapy any more bc i couldn't find a therapist willing to treat me+all my diagnoses at this point#and im scared my friends will stop wanting to talk to me if i talk to them about this. several of them already have#the 2 friends i have left anyway. that's a whole other thing. when they said it's hard for autistic ppl to make friends i took that persona#so uh at this point it's vent here or develop a substance abuse problem. and im already halfway to having a substance abuse problem#anyway dan and phil for the love of god please fucking post something tonight. unfortunately you are my only hope
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chat. chat i have a question. i know ive always had guilt when it comes to getting things for myself, but like. would it be stupid to drop like $116 on the special editions of two games ive been wanting for a while (now because one of which is on sale)? i mean, ive been saving my money literally all summer to use for myself like i haven’t bought anything i didn’t need and i KNOW im not gonna blow through all of it in school because i don’t go anywhere & dont do shit and i know it’s my money and i can do what i want with it but. idk. it feels stupid. is it stupid or is my brain stupid??
(extra context in tags ig idk)
#i mean i got paid like $700 last week and i get paid one more time next week before i’m off for school but still :/#like. like is thinking it’s stupid reasonable or should i. ahem. ‘treat myself.’#the two games in mind have a TON of content so i know they’re gonna keep me busy for a LONG time so that’s kinda why i wanna get them;m#so i can have long grundy games to keep me occupied and not really want to get anything else for a long time you get me?#i know $116 won’t be a lot from my $3000 account but like. still. idk. :/#ofc i have to jump through the many hoops of setting up a paypal to use in the nintendo eshop#or i could just. ask my sister to help me unlink & relink her card so it doesn’t charge hers instead (because her card’s linked for NSO)#but aside from that i could have that shit like. tonight.#not like i play games a lot on the days i have work because i get home so late but still y’know?#i think it would be a nice ‘good luck back at school’ gift for myself#because i love skyrim & pokemon i really do but that’s literally all ive been playing for like over a year now i need to spice it up :/#anyway chat should i or should i not?#grace being stupid#text post#personal
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i bring a sort of Start A New Wip vibe to the workplace that my Hasn’t Finished My Other Wips don’t really like
#for once not talking bout art ive got 4 fics collecting dust in my google docs rn but that will not stop me from starting another!#roommates krbk 31k DEAD. s4 dbhwks 5k DEAD. s4 tgchk 2k DEAD. hunger games dbhwks 22k DEAD#actually sorry i have more than that. i will get to them eventually tho#maybe…#tbh the roommates one has 5 chapters done im just annoying and only like posting when the fic is finished so ppl don’t have to wait#ummmm ok bye let’s see how much i can get done tonight
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The best feeling in the world is when there’s a piece of media you know you love and you’ve hyped it up as your favorite thing for so long but you haven’t revisited it in a while so you start to worry if it’s really as good as you make it out to be and so you go back and revisit it and it’s like. Oh this is even better than I remembered this shit rules
#the klock keeps ticking#i always get this feeling when i play 999 but tonight i got it with the letter#cuz ive uh finally decided to bite the bullet and play the evil meanie route where everyone dies 😟#a route ive put off for so long cuz its just too damn sad to think about akjdksk god it hurts#and ive played like for the most part every route of this game EXCEPT this one but i know the ending is really dark and i need to see it#plus i will at least get my beloved torture scene in so thats nice#i didnt kill off isabella though its a coma route which i hope still allows me to get the ending i want cuz i mean shell still be out of#commission in the final scene so hopefully it works out#but yeah no i started off tonight on the marianne chapter and while i did skip around through it cuz ive played it many times and i just#wanna get to the important stuff already alskj i also just replayed some of the best parts#aka the shit where lorraine appears and the gay shit alksks and god like hnnnghh not only does this chapter still ruin me emotionally#i also just remembered why i love this character so much and remembered just how good the character writing in this game is#and i also played into the rebecca chapter and didnt skip as much cuz i actually am not as familiar with the coma route#cuz it makes me sad and i never revisited it lol and i havent gotten to The Scene that makes me sob yet#its so coming though dont worry but idk i guess its just been cuz ive been thinking about p3 so much lately#and in particular shinji both the death route and coma route but in particular the coma cuz thats what im writing#and damn lol the letter just writes the grief and nuanced relationships and death stuff so much better lol god#like marianne loses her childhood best friend whom she has a gay ass relationship with to suicide and like its just better#she blames herself and still isnt even kinda okay with it after 13 years#like it just fucking ruined her and the only thing keeping her from losing it is her repression and drinking problem and unattached sex#and then with coma route well fucking first off isabellas friends actually like. visit her frequently damn#and they just all have such unique ways of coping like Zach is being optimistic so no one gets too upset#rebecca is sorta in charge of making sure everything goes smoothly she has to contact the family and make big decisions#and shes also just taking the most stress and shes got so many complicated feelings around isabella going on but she genuinely cannot stand#that isabella is hurt shes fucking destroyed she loves isabella and then ashton AAAAA god yeah i also just remembered that hes SUCH a good#character hes like being a genuine asshole right like Rebecca calls to tell him that isabella is comatose now and he literally doesnt let#her say anything he literally says ‘i dont have time for other things rn’ like the wellness of his friend is just ‘other things’#but you just know thats not it not at all hes burying himself in work to the point of destruction so he can figure out who did this and make#everything okay and he refuses to show even an ounce of vulnerability cuz THE SECOND HE DOES IT ALL COMES OUT AND HE CANT GET OUT OF BED#ANYMORE CUZ HOW IS HE SUPPOSED TO BE OKAY WHEN THE LOVE OF HIS LIFE IS DYING
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it just set in for me that i start community college this upcoming monday literally less than a week from now and i want. to throw up
#its a combo of omg holy shit my life is progressing im healing im reforming into a human being im a real boy#and ✨academic trauma✨ reflecting on my life now vs the last 6 years and the last time i was in school#and im not handling it well. maybe i am a little cuz so far i have held back the tears but i dont think thats an acceptable bar#the tears are certainly there. and i most certainly feel like losing the little ive eaten today#ive also started seriously considering if it would be more or less strategic to skip cr today in favor of playing smth with a friend#i was like dang its important to take the time when we're both free#but also cr uploads on mondays and ive reignited my interest in watching live and i dont trust myself to fight the vod impulse on that day#i want things to be different and i want to do good and i want to feel all the progress ive made in action#so if she is available today im gonna be honest and say sorry i cant play this thing we were both excited about bc ive got a 4 hour#nerd show tonight. and im gonna feel really shitty about it.#feels shitty and stupid to choose a piece of media thatll always be there over quality friend time#but i know if i dont get this shit thats always gonna be there over with NOW itll be really hard to put off later#hhhhhhh#im a mess dude ima finish the video i was watching before i started having a crisis and then im gonna take a bath#and then maybe stardew valley. it is the game for when life is falling apart and i just deep cleaned my desk itll be so nice
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i need eddie to get another guy friend in season 8, and buck loses his shit about it (again), so he breaks up with t because he's convinced that the weird feeling he gets when he sees them together is because he is Really attracted to the new guy.
#like things with t are fine cuz he likes exploring this new side of himself even if t doesnt always match his energy but whatever its fun#and maybe at work chim is the one who brings up eddies new friend and he is immediately just. what new friend?#chim laughs and says. tbf last time eddie got a new friend you attacked him so you could date his friend. hes probably keeping it to himsel#and bucks like. dude what. that was. yeah it was shitty of me but it was a one time thing. i wont do it again...#and when eddie shows up for shift buck immediately asks about his new friend and eddie tells him about the guy without hesitation#after shift tho buck is like. why didnt you tell me about him? after t i get why you dont want to but im just. you dont have to worry man.#buck. i know. im not worried. anyway he and i are gonna head to a bar to catch the game. you want to come with? you can bring t if hes free#oh. thats. thatd be okay? i dont want to idk ruin the vibe by bringing a date#nah man. itll be fine#and so he and t go to the bar and eddies already inside with the new friend and its Fine. its Great actually because t gets along with eddi#and the new guy and the new guy makes eddie laugh and doesnt miss a beat and knows more about the teams record this season than buck and#buck is doing Fine. this guys smile is big and his eyes are bright and when he laughs he sorta leans into eddies space alittle and its Fine#the night ends and buck and t go back to his apartment and buck cant stop thinking about that guys hand when it clapped down on eddies#shoulder or the look on his face as he teased eddie about the beer he drinks (cuz its kinda bad but only buck can say that) and buck Cant.#he wants that guy. he wants his hands and grin and teasing voice all to himself and not on eddie.#so he breaks up with t and ts confused af cuz i thought things were going good?#yeah. i just. i want to explore my options yk now that ive uh figured out i like men.#and its a clean break. not dramatic or messy. t tells him to call if he every changes his mind. buck wont.#bucks trying to not pry about eddies new friend and he doesnt grill eddie or anyone and just waits and listens to all the new info he gains#and eventually eddie invites him out to watch another game because whatever team they were watching made it to the playoffs#and when he gets there eddies like. no t tonight?#nah we. uh. we broke up.#eddie says sorry man that sucks. and the new guy is like. honestly he didnt even seem that into you which what an idiot. youre great.#and its good because the new guy splits his attention between the two of them now. eddie isnt the only one getting hands and grins and eyes#and the third time theyre at the bar the guy follows him to bathroom and kisses him hard against the door before pulling back with a#panicked sorry and leaving and when buck finds eddie after hes like. what happened? new guy ran out of here without even saying goodbye#he kissed me in the bathroom. i think uh. i think he was kinda freaking out about it and thats why he left.#and eddie just blinks at him before being like. buck. buck you said you werent going to do this again.#i didnt mean to! and buck means it. he just saw the way that guy made eddie laugh and put his hands on eddie and had eddies attention and#oh.
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. gonna be honest gang having regular mh crises that shut down what limited ability to communicate i have, accidentally starving myself, and turning to raw faith to get me to the next day probably isnt making anything better
#but ive got a snack some ginger ale and game changer so not tonight satan ✌️#tomorrow might just be a lot of sleeping
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Me when a single day alters the course of my life forever
#in a good way ofc#(gonna start rambling today was a good day)#so like. made plans last night to hop on and play some warframe with a friend#thst friend is uber cool. and also american so we dont get to vc and game togethdr much#but i woke up at 8 30#had brekkie#and got on at 9#played gamed with coolest homie for 3 hours#watched the first ep of jjk while eating food w them and takijg a breather from games#as we finished up motivation hit so i had my adhd med abt 20 mins before we finished#cut my hair so i no longer feel wonky abt the length#tried a new way of styling the cut and it works really well#then went to the mall to get some things ive been meaning to get for years#came back home cleaner my room#saw facebook advert for a job opportunity i have been seeking out for quite some time#sent in a very formal and well written email application while figuring out how to go further in depth about the things i said#went back to room and sewed on the last remaining badge for my scout uniform#checked up on fb for scout things happening tonight#hyped myself up to go#night went better than i thought it would and nobody got unreasonably upset and everyone stayed levelheaded#and!! i got secretary!! one of the four core exec roles!!!#came home and chatted to parents about an event they went to#it was just. such a good day#and now i eeby#ren rambles#OH AND NOT TO MENTION#before i came home but after scouts#i talked with my closest friends abt my hyperfixations (and the ones we share!!) and it was sososo fun#i love sharing hyperfixes with friends#<3333
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played 8 consecutive hours of elden ring this afternoon/evening and forgot to eat dinner.... 🫠
#oops#well i still have bad cramps and bloating so maybe its for the best. im too tired to eat now#i feel soooo terrible. i dont think its from the gaming tho i was playing to distract myself from feeling terrible in the first place#but no such luck. well its better than spending all day ruminating anyway#i need to do laundry and food shop tomorrow and ill take the day off ER entirely otherwise ill end up playing another 8 hrs 💀#i got my meds today too but im not gonna start them until my period fucking starts and ends bc i cant handle both at once#plus itll be good if i can start them later this week so if it fucks my sleep at least i wont have to go into work multiple days in a row#while exhausted etc. mannn.#i really really hope i sleep better tonight this whole last week its been so disturbed and im so tired :-(#and so saaaaaad. and lonely but not really in a way that being around ppl helps.. i just want a longass hug 💔#ive done so well this week mentally but it takes so much out of me staying on top of it#anyway.. to bed to bed to bed#.diaries
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I've survived the ordeal and have an extra donut for dessert tonight as a reward
#ive been awake on and off since like 4 am#so i will probably crash hard tonight HGJFG#but we still got a while before that potentially happens!#᛭ — [OOC] angst is the game and tears are the currency
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finally having time to myself since 3pm yesterday (it’s 11pm rn) and i want to stay up and relax and watch stuff so i can have a nice time by myself before having to work tomorrow but i am EXHAUSTED and also want to sleep so bad😭😭😭
#i worked yesterday 8-2 and then was with friends and slept at their house and i got maybe ???? 3 hours of sleep lastnight bc of that and#THEN i had to work 8-2 AGAIN today and i got home and got picked back up by the same friends to do something and now i’m finally home and#stuff but i just don’t know what my best option is (i know i should sleep actually and get as much sleep as possible but shhhh)#i guess. i will sleep tho actually bc i can’t even concentrate on the video i was trying to watch. 20 minutes in and i have NO idea what#is happening so yeah i’ll take that as a cue to sleep#thanks for helping me decide what to do guys’#!* not ‘#ugh i don��t wanna work tomorrow i have an 8 hour shift and i don’t wanna do it 😭😭😭#saturdays are the worst bc i have to be alone all day and it drives me insane when i get a million customers that are regulars who know only#one person works at a time on saturdays like use common sense and also get fucked for being annoying i hate you all!!!!!! GRRRRR BITE BITE#ok no fr i’m going to sleeep now ok#OH WAIT ONE TINY THING I WAS DOING A TRIVIA GAME EITH MY FRIENDS TONIGHT AND THERE WAS A D&D QUESTION THAT I GOT FULLY CORRECT BC IVE BEEN#WATCHING LEGENDS OF AVANTRIS!!!!! IM SO HAPPY ABOUT IT LOL MY FRIENDS ALL DIDNT KNOW AND I WAS LIKE >:)))) BACK AWAY
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IM BACK! :D (also i have p5R!!!!! :DDDD)
#crow talks#im gonna be staying up bc i got no school tomorrow heheh#im gonna play p5r hehehehehehehehhhhh#my older sibling is playing p4g so im gonna be playing p5r !! :D#ive never played a persona game technically (my older sibling is the one playing i just watch)#and im gonna play it later tonight so i have a cool chill vibe yk?#might not liveblog it tho but just talk abt it a little yk?#oh also my older sibling downloaded the trans naoto mod so i thought i was gonna go through the horrors (i didnt)#im the one voicing naoto in the playthrough (secretly loving it) so i was EXTREMELY relieved...#im secretly experiencing gender euphoria by voicing him tbh....#anywayyyy gonna rb stuff~
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bro.... how is it 430...... now why the hell did I stay up so late playing vampire survivors.... wha
#hoooo boy it's been a minute since ive played games until almost 5#N just woke up and told me to go to bed so i guess im going to bed#even tho i wanna be my stinky little garlic man#can't wait to talk to L about all the accomplishments i got tonight lmaooo#rAMbles
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excited for another day of my one supervisor telling me I'm doing an amazing job and gushing over me vs my other supervisor and my "boss" who's not supposed to still be my boss persay or not in the way she was anyways, they fucking act like I'm scum for trying to get ahead by *glances at notes* helping my supervisors
#like im not trying to take anything from anyone!!! im just trying to help them out!!!#if my supervisor who has a stack of paperwork to fix infront of her now has another folder for an order that#she wasnt in the room for. the other person my 'boss' is exlusively training on paperwork also wasnt in the room for. and the supervisor who#WAS in the room is the one who just fucked up this paperwork for the order#then yeah im gonna offer to help her with this folder since i actually WAS in the room#in fact i got left in charge for the first 2.5 hours cause no supervisors were in the room at all!!!!! UGH#at that point i was the most experienced person in the room by far!!! and i know so much about this company#cause its like. a passion of mine. so i know a lot about the products we sell!!! like a LOT#more than my bosses cause i actually buy a shit ton of our product. so i know how many per product or what colour label or whatever tf#just off the top of my head!!!!#i also am very passionate about NOT SENDING OUT DAMAGED PRODUCT#meanwhile 'boss' says im being too picky#AM I??? CAUSE IVE BOUGHT TWO PRODUCTS NOW WITH MY OWN PAYCHEQUE THAT WERE DAMAGED#ugh christ. im just very tired from this week between all that and the intense drama from earlier this week#im ready to sleep in all weekend#except idiot me made plans for every day this weekend#tonight i hang out with my dad and my bf#tomorrow me and bf go to my coworkers for drinks and viddy games#and sunday we go out of town with bf's sister for drag brunch and thrifting#so itll all be fun i just KNOW im gonna wind up exhausted 😭😭😭 plus truthfully i just wanna show my bf more movies
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#distracting myself from thinking about the fact that i lost my job today (not my fault but went into it on main dont wanna here) by#having a bitch session about the stolen throne anyway. screams and kicks stuff because katriel also i know that#a lot of video game tie in books are rushed. like a year to write them tops. and i know i couldnt write a book in a year but still#god WHY does david gaider's writing style hurt my so much. sir. also not sure how i feel about the amount of stuff that happens off page#but seriously the style of it. oof. and to think ive got the calling coming up. seriously though oh my god. katriel.#maybe im just not always here for redemption meaning death. like. yeah the world isnt fair and fictional worlds have no obligation to be#fiar either but damn maybe im just a naive little bitch but i dont think she deserved that not to mention#it might have been compelling for her to have to live with her actions#ive got like 40 pages left. might complete it tonight i dunno#at least i know that his writing style gets better eventually since i have read the final conversation and i thought that was good#but so far style wise thats the only thing of his ive liked#i know im a bitch about style but. man. man at least dont use the same word twice in two sentences. especially not the same adverb#anyway. katriel...#okay im out#original posts
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dude, the goblin heritage armor questline is so ass, you can just feel the devs punishing you for daring to play a goblin i swear
#my post#world of warcraft#OF ALL THE WORST THINGS IVE EXPERIENCED IN VIDEO GAMES#ONE SHOT MOVES BY BOSSES ARE THE ACTUAL WORST OF ALL#ESPECIALLY ONES YOU LITERALLY HAVE NO WAY TO AVOID#i think i was supposed to have a move to put on ?? some sort of armor thing?? but it did not show up for me#plus my goblin is a hunter. so healing moves? yeah right.#actually impossible dude. I DONT EVEN LIKE THE GOBLIN HERITAGE ARMOR. I JUST WANT THE QUEST OUT OF MY LIFE#i hate that you cant abandon the heritage armor quests dude#ive tried that stupid mech fight like 15 or more times by now since like. last year or whenever i hit 50 on my goblin.#i finally got even any amount of close tonight. having 2 pets helped. but then it was like 'initializing explosives' and boom INSTA DEATH.#fuck offff fuck right off WHO MADE THIS#im so mad dude just let me abandon this shit ass fuck off questline
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