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“Not all men are the same”

In recent few years, there have been more and more women standing up against injustice that women have been facing for centuries. Many women are sharing their tales. Many have been encouraged to speak up. Some share tales too, some voice opinions, some pledge to help, some diss women. There are some men who would say, “not all men are the same”. It is true, I completely agree. Although, I would like share a little piece of my thought, and I hope you would kindly read it till the end and try to understand where I am coming from.

Here it goes...For men who say not all men are the same, as a woman I do try to understand that it is not fair for women to assume you are full of evil just because you are a man. Yet we also cannot assume you aren't full of evil. We can give you a thousand benefit of the doubt, but we usually rather not risk it. Honestly, the times we do "risk it", is because we do believe "not all men are the same". Yet many a times, what we get back is, "I should not have trusted him."

We tell these harrowing tales not because all men do evil things, but because there are those that do such things. We tell you, because it is also upon you to teach your son, to stop your dad, to warn your friend. To instill in them the right behaviour and attitude. To not brush away your wife, your girlfriend, your sister, your mother, your aunt, your cousin, your friend, your anyone's concern about another man. Because just like when you say that not all men do bad things, not all men do good things either.

As women, we have been fighting against such crude actions for our entire lives and are therefore very sensitive to them. Think about some uncomfortable situations that you are sensitive to. How about: when your nosey aunt stares at you for 3 seconds from across the room and then she gets up, you know she's coming over to judge you about your love life? And you know what she’s going to do because for your entire life, everytime you see that expression of hers, you have come to learn its a signal that she’s going to start poking her big nose into your business. So when a woman sees herself being eyed a certain way, when she hears a man speak in a certain way, she knows something's up.

Not all men are the same, not all women are the same. I do agree that men face many injustice too. Women facing injustice does not take away the fact that men face injustice. Men facing injustice also does not take away the fact that women face injustice. We tell you because we need your help to build a better society for EVERYONE. Telling you our experiences is not meant to be an attack on all men, but a request for all men to take responsibility, to pay attention.

Thank you.

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2016

Strange that I am reflecting on 2016, not at the end of it, but just 40 something minutes into 2017.

The first half of this year was great! I felt good, I did well. Then there was the turning point in July. Then I felt bad, I did not do well. Academically, I did the best in 2016, in comparison to other years, though. In the second half of the year, I occasionally thought, “academic is the only thing going well in my life now.”

Due to the interesting differences between the first and second half of the year, I have mixed feelings toward 2016.

Based on the memes, etc, that I came across, many people seem to dislike 2016 and see it as a year that many bad things happened. More so than previous years. Personally, I do not particularly dislike 2016, despite my mental health conditions worsening in the second half of it. In the realm of international politics, there were bad things happening every year. In my life, there were good and bad things happening all the time, anytime.

Music wise, in 2016, I was very much in love with James Bay. Still is. Hearing his voice on the radio just a couple days ago was such so soothing for me. Nearing the last few months of 2016, I fell in love with Lukas Graham. One of favourite song of theirs was (and is) Better Than Yourself. I also figured out how to play “happy birthday” song on the piano based on memories of the tune in December.

I celebrated my 21st Birthday in 2016. It was nothing like I imagined. Actually, I didn’t really imagine much on how it would be like. Overall, it was a lovely day. I love it. Perhaps there are some things I want to change about it, but I love the day afterall. Unique, irreplaceable, God-blessed.

God loves ALL.

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I and the day

I wish for the day When the tears can go away When I can once again Break into smiles And laugh the day away

I look forward to the day When I can leave the world in peace When I can finally Lay down the burdens And run forth to my King

I run after the day When I don't know when When I hope I can Be finally at rest And in grace find an eternal joy

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Title

There are a lot of things I don’t remember about my childhood. If you were to ask me how my childhood was, I would probably give you a negatively-inclined answer. This is largely because of my family background.

I am not the most unfortunate child on the planet. I am very blessed. Very much alive, and healthy. Looks wise, not the prettiest girl around but I love my own looks. I have my insecurities about my looks, but I don’t think I will ever want to change my features. I do want to get rid of the pimples and shrink the pores though, haha. (Oops, off topic.)

Growing up, I have never experienced what a “happy family” or even a “normal” one is like. In fact, before secondary school, I thought that my family was just like any other “typical” families out there. I thought that all families interact - or lack interaction - in the same way as my family. My parents did not get along. For 10 long years, they did not speak to each other and avoided each other even when they are in the same room.

My mother was really really hot-tempered. In fact, I don’t even know if “hot-tempered” is the right word to describe how she was like. She got furious at us for simple, insignificant things. She took out her anger on us. She hated doing chores and when she gets frustrated, she will start grumbling or yelling. Her anger translated into how she treated us. She used to glare at me when I chatted happily with my father. Jealousy, I suspect. I remember a number of horrible events in my life, including her threatening to kill herself while waving a knife in her hand, grabbing me by the collar and pushing me against the kitchen cabinet while shaking me really hard and shouting into my face, and threatening to burn down the house if I were to ever visit our paternal grandmother. My mother had her “bad” times, but she had her “good” times too. She patted me to sleep lovingly (I am serious. Not being sarcastic or funny.), did so many so many things for which I am thankful for. However, I am very certain many of the things she said and did to me were inappropriate. Wrong. Those were potentially events of abuse, especially emotional abuse.

Please, if there any parent is reading this. PLEASE don’t ever do the bad things my mom did to me. PLEASE. If you cannot control your anger, please seek professional help in anger management. Seeking professional help does not mean you are crazy. In fact, to seek help is a very rational and logical decision that will be helpful not just for your children but for you too. You are respecting the people around you and you are taking better care of yourself by seeking professional help when you need it.

I don’t think my relatives even know this is how my mother is like. I tell my friends my parents are “strict”, “over-protective”, but I doubt they know I am underestimating my mother’s actions and attitude. Well, not blaming them. I can’t possibly just blurt out out of the blue, “my mother emotionally abused me.” I am just feeling lonely.

These few weeks, I feel like I am tired of trying. I fought, I struggled, I thought I survived. Things weren’t easy, and things still aren’t easy.

I believe I now struggle with social anxiety and mental OCD. I definitely am struggling with suicidal thoughts. Not the kind of jokingly spoken “dang, my college assignment is so difficult. I am dying” thoughts. I really feel tired of trying to survive sometimes.

I am thankful for the friends who support me, and when I have suicidal thoughts, I think of them. I am hanging on. Thank you, friends.

For the first time today, I started typing a document titled “if I die”. I was hesitant, for a really long time, on whether I should write something like that. It’s sort of a letter to settle matters that I leave behind and to address the people I leave behind, in case I die all of a sudden. I hope the sudden death isn’t suicide.

Sometimes, these people that I don’t want to leave behind are the ones that hurt me. It is worse when I doubt their love for me. I hope I can hang on.

My thoughts are kind of disoriented and disorganized now.

This is also my first time posting something like what I wrote above about my mother. I did complain on social media before, writing comments in my Facebook status about my mother. However, I have never really included details, like the examples of horrible events afore mentioned.

Anyway, I am ending this post soon. I hope I don’t end my life anytime soon. Jesus loves me, I hope I love Him back, and will complete my mission here on earth and eventually join Him in His Heavenly Kingdom, where I will eventually receive peace and happiness.

Love, me (;

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Roller Coaster

When I was small, my father brought me on this small roller coaster ride. It was supposed to be harmless, or so I thought. It was one of the most horrible experiences I remember. I have become afraid of roller coasters ever since. I cannot even ride a kiddie roller coaster. I suspect I have a phobia of high speed. Or maybe I am just an individual who worries too much. Since roller coasters are the highlights of many theme parks, I am not a huge fan of theme parks. I am a fan of theme parks when they have really good design or themes that I love, such as Harry Potter, Lord of the Rings (I don’t think there’s one but I would love it if there’s one), Universal Studios (all the movies and characters, yay!) and Disney. When I was young, I honestly thought I could handle roller coasters and that I would ride on many awesome roller coasters when I am older. Well, such thoughts came before I boarded the short but mortifying ride.

These being said, I am actually riding a roller coaster. A different one. One that I am afraid of. Do you know what it is? I just typed “afraid”. An emotion. Yes, an emotional roller coaster. It’s scary, to me. My moods go up and down, up and down, and spin around, and up and down. My ever-changing mood has impacted my social relations - I withdraw from people or I become overly-enthusiastic. At times, I would tell myself, I shouldn’t be so overly-excited, all jumpy and enthusiastic to interact with people; I should keep my cool. Actually, in slightly more extreme cases, I tell myself I need to distant from that person a little. That person probably doesn’t feel as close to me as I do to him/her. I should perform my actions with a bit of indifference and coldness. Say a simple “hi”, raising my hand just a little bit and not even looking them directly in the eye. Problem. Too cold and rude. At times, I tell myself I have to open myself up to people, and talk to people; I should be more cheerful and happy. Actually, in slightly more extreme cases, I get too excited and talk too much (I think I talk too much?). Problem. The person I am talking to may not be interested in talking to me or is overwhelmed (or taken aback / shocked and therefore withdraws a little from me) by my excitement / enthusiasm. Events have huge impact on my emotions, especially events that have to do with social life / interactions. Sometimes, these events may be events that seem small and insignificant to others, such as someone saying (to me, it’s possibly jokingly or maybe not jokingly) saying that he should ignore the fact that I have lecture at a particular timing and organise a meeting with the rest of the group during that timing. I can no longer trust my judgment of people’s words, actions, gestures and etc anymore. When I hear something like that, I get upset and experience a downward spiral of my emotions. I get depressed (not using this term professionally as would how someone wants to describe a particular psychological illness), upset and even suicidal thoughts, believing that is what that “someone” really thinks he should do - aka leave me out (specifically in this example). Then, maybe another event, such as a friend initiating a conversation with me, will spark my confidence again, and I will feel good. This roller coaster ride is really tiring me out.

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Mental Health

Lately, I realised that I may not be doing very well mentally, psychologically and emotionally. Actually, no. Not “may not be”. AM not doing well. I have never had suicidal thoughts popping up in my head as frequent as these few weeks. I know they are not academic-related. They are due more to my social interactions. Not that the people around me are treating me extremely badly. Just...I am over-sensitive. I cannot relax. I am too tensed. I feel so lonely. So alone. There have been some people, among my friends, who made me feel small, judged and insignificant. I cannot entirely blame them, although there is this part of me that is upset at them too?

I cannot tell who I am close to anymore. I may say I am close to them, but they may not say so. I cannot tell how close I must be to someone before I am considered close to them.

There is no single friend I talk to (be it face-to-face or via technologies) on a daily or regular basis. There are a few I talk to more often, but even some of them feel distant. In fact, all of them feel kind of distant.

I am never someone’s number one.

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ART PRINTS BY A THING CREATED

Breakfast Anyone? 

Lady in Mint 

Summery Chic 

Cheers! 

Tangerine 

Floral Silhouette 

Kate the Great 

B+White Stripe 

Amsterdam! 

Breakfast at Tiffany’s in Pink 

Also available as canvas prints, T-shirts, Phone cases, Throw pillows, Tapestries and More!

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When you ask, "Are you okay?" Can you please mean that you genuinely care and wish to listen if I were to give an answer other than "I am okay"?

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Great ways to design my own calendar!

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I feel bad, sad

I have been feel quite sad recently. Occasionally, there were quick (but short) boosts that made me a more cheerful and open to others, but I have been falling back into the state of being-closed-to-others and the state of being sad very easily. One comment by a friend can make me very uncertain of myself, lose a great deal of confidence and feel anxious. I blame myself. I blame my friend. I blame my parents. I blame others. I hope I won’t blame God.

I am afraid my social anxiety is coming back once again. Maybe it never left. I highly doubt it ever left completely. I was too confident after being able to get rid of most of social anxiety disorder. I thought I succeeded. I did not succeed. Not completely. I was doing better. A lot better than before. Alas, I fell back once again. The anxiety is coming back. I am once again bothered, tremendously, by this lack of confidence, by this fear, by these doubts and uncertainty. I want to escape, but I don’t want to escape. Escaping from situations and people is my way out, but I also don’t want to do that, because my anxiety would only get worse.

I have never opened up to anyone all the details of my past. I don’t think there’s anyone I know that I can fully open up to.

I am scared.

I am sad.

I am bad. A bad person. Terrible. So messed up. Disgusting mess.

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28. 05. 16 // rise and grind! today i’m revising more chemistry and korean 💪🏼

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magical girl sequence in my short film, tapioca~

click here for film~

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Dandelion Seeds

Since I was a child, I have loved dandelion seeds. They are so light, gentle and beautiful.