nicolesqueloquence

[nicolesqueloquence]

Excuses.

I’ve been calling it, starting from ground zero in my mind. But I haven’t started anything. It’s preferable to treat this as an ending of sorts. I’ve been fighting every logical idea of self-improvement, because every thought gets derailed by a multitude of reasons that I shouldn’t or couldn’t actually do any of the following for myself: I don’t want to exercise. I don’t want to carry out…

[nicolesqueloquence]

The Climb Out of The Cage.

https://www.facebook.com/share/r/TU6wnKheBYKXvndN/?mibextid=xCPwDs Today has been a speed bullet train of epic, potentially hypomanic proportions. It started with a total lack of sleep, a stirring urge to get up at 4:30 a.m. to move my body, to organize, to plan, to wonder, to admire, to realize. And the conclusion is this: I’m finally not afraid of the peace that reality truly carries and not…

[nicolesqueloquence]

My Clarinet, My Inner Child Time Capsule

A portrait of a downtrodden girl who still doesn’t realize the power in her hand, nor the light in her heart. Buried treasure even if found in a Bermuda Triangle is still a discovery to behold.This relic meant & still means so much to me.When I chose it as my instrument to play in fifth grade, I had no clue what it was. One of my first divine interventions or sweeps with sheer luck.Even the case…

[nicolesqueloquence]

Kaleidoscope.

My last post was more than just a revelation, it was a yellow light warning: slow down. I’ve since learned I need to really stop and listen, not just hear my thoughts through such momentary silence. I also learned I have tremendous difficulty really perceiving reality when I have the blinders of dopamine-inducing distractions to cling to. And that really erodes my ability to set…

[nicolesqueloquence]

(Self)-Blocking Blessings.

We don’t have to fall from grace, Put down the weapons you fight (yourself) with, And kill (yourself) with kindness I will explain what I mean with the utmost adulteration of these lyrics. Because self-sabotage is real. When you find something almost indescribably perfect, it is impossible to ward off the inner voices of how inadequate, inferior, and inevitable it will be for me to fuck this…

[nicolesqueloquence]

You are Here.

“Be still for yourself. You don’t need to move for other people. You are here.”

There is nothing like the crushing quiet of an indoor pool. Even with the steam, the chlorine, the water subtly splashing with minuscule discriminate movements of other equally silent patrons, nothing silences my screaming heart enough to hear the fateful whispers of my soul like an indoor aquatic setting. “Be still for yourself. You don’t need to move for other people. You are here.” I lay…

[nicolesqueloquence]

Awake.

I’ve probably used this title before, but this is an unprecedented moment. This is the end of the second chapter of my love life. They always say love comes to a person in threes: the first love that scars, the second love that prepares but cannot last, and the third. Now perhaps it’s premature to establish the third but I can say this is a brand new beginning of the next phase for me. Waking…

[nicolesqueloquence]

S. A. D. D(isjointed)

I always think up blog titles, come up with reasons why they would or wouldn’t make sense, and then let them float away with the rest of my fleeting thoughts like balloons never to be grasped by my own mind again. So this one speaks to the mangled spurts of revelations flying at me inside of my mind while I simply would like to enjoy the serenity of my first walk in the neighborhood. But…

[nicolesqueloquence]

Me on a Monday.

Today, I finally felt like me again- after the first half. It took some gloomy rainy morning shadows as I typed and took calls in the dark to ease the hazy discomfort of my sleep-deprivation. Then I remembered the texts from my Mom I left unanswered the night before due to my childish stubborn determination to remain jaded by our latest conflict. She calls, I can’t answer as I’m on the phone…

[nicolesqueloquence]

Decide.

Well. The final explosion in a seemingly slow-motion barrage of fireworks went off yesterday. In front of my house, of course, the usual spot for them. I don’t yet have the words for what transpired, or the absolutely maniacal severity of the mood swings I witnessed. It was like watching a vehicular collision right in front of you but you had seen it coming from a mile away. There is a certain…

[nicolesqueloquence]

The Climb

(Yes, it’s the most millennial Miley Cyrus title but it fits I promise.) Despite major improvements from multiple angles, I’m now a year out from my last attempt to shut down the perpetual self-hate systems permanently and yet they are still loud as ever. It makes more sense now why the cycles are what they are. Why my seldom voices of concern and discomfort regarding my relationships go quiet…

[nicolesqueloquence]

Sage of Soccer.

For as many moments in my life as I let my circumstances drag me down, there have been these bursts of determination to flip them in my favor by finally standing up and demanding a change. I was able to conquer this with my employment, and now it seems I’ve finally crossed the threshold with my predominantly sedentary lifestyle. I could tout all of the usual excuses: chronic fatigue, sleep…

[nicolesqueloquence]

RELAX.

Just lay there, do nothing (this should not be the obstacle that it is atm), think nothing, and just FUCKING RELAX FOR ONCE. Nope. Here I am, in a SPA like it’s church because my entire soul has needed the sacred touch of relaxation and chlorine and new age elevator music (if only this was played in every elevator), and I’m…. Blogging. The last thing I ever feel like fucking doing 90% of the…

[nicolesqueloquence]

Doubts but Dreams; Dreams but Doubts

Here we are, a day I’ve practically destroyed my sleep cycle for in morbid, dreading, enthralled anticipation of. It’s just the first day we’ve been together for almost a week and the day we were set to read my last blog together. Now I am having doubts, given a few factors at play here: For one, I can already tell I am on the edge of a panic attack and have been since last night. Not for much…

[nicolesqueloquence]

Missing.

I can’t remember when I last wrote here. I’ve lost my voice. I’m not only unwilling to, I feel downright afraid of this. Because every thought I have is something so negative and hateful, not only towards me but almost everyone I come across. I’ve never been afraid of the truth, in fact I am constantly seeking it more than not. But it’s hard to grasp the very bottom of yourself when it’s…

[nicolesqueloquence]

Get up.

Here it is, the itch. The urge to panic and hyperventilate and feel tears slide down. It builds so slowly like a trembling undercurrent of doom beneath a soaring wave of breakthrough optimism and breath-taking prosperity that I haven’t let myself have in years. The panic accompanies the intrusive thoughts and echoing fears predicting nothing but the absolute worst case for the future. More…

[nicolesqueloquence]

Better.

Not sure if it’s boredom. Not sure if it’s my resentment for routine. Not sure if it’s my big age finally catching up to me with some delayed wisdom. I just got tired of the same old cycle. And my body showed me with a vengeance that my nine lives are reaching an end. Because it’s all just noise. The delusional beliefs, the paranoia & panic episodes, the swings of moods and emotional…