nicolesqueloquence

[nicolesqueloquence]

Self Affective.

Tear streaks, cheek wetness. Joan Crawford eyebrows. Once again; send in the clowns. I clench a jaw through the day as time overtakes me with the latest implosion. I do not question it anymore. But I anguish over the right thing, the correct feeling, the appropriate response. I ignore the same prevailing question, was it me again? This time? Am I turning into him? Why am I so allergic to…

[nicolesqueloquence]

2024: A Mess was Made.

Here comes my bi-monthly pity party. But hot fucking damn, did I make a hot mess of this year. Every sandcastle I started to build came crashing down by first: overly investing my time, energy, money slight resentment when not fully reciprocated paranoid delusions that: my efforts are inadequate, I’m being secretly judged and/or conspired against with some ultimate lead-up form of…

[nicolesqueloquence]

Melt.

I could continue to hate her for the rest of my life. But today is her birthday, and how unceremonious, unnecessary, uncalled for would that be? That’s still your mother. You had a lot of problems she just didn’t know how to deal with. Your sister was right behind you and needed protection from you. And even more excuses I’ve had to grin and bear it through for years. But today, while…

[nicolesqueloquence]

Luz de la Vela.

Like the sands of an hourglass, Every one of our lives together ending in a haze too fast. Moments were stretched for miles, Our faces flash awkward smiles But every now and then, we would break and burn so exposed in naked light To the stark reality we only knew how to remain blind. When the icy silence of my inner turbulence hit, I would find you there Where beneath your shield of…

[nicolesqueloquence]

Mountain

I live at the top; A mountain of remorse and resilience, A pile of my pieces mixed with theirs, Souvenirs of our souls stolen in the wake of many exits, Many of which so tragic and cold, That I wonder how many more pieces could I possibly hold, Or have I finally ran out of my own? It’s the same story for me time has always told, I yearn for my mountain of mud to one day turn gold, While…

[nicolesqueloquence]

The Pilot’s Wife.

It’s a funeral. It’s the tragic ending you saw coming, like that oncoming train, but always in slow motion so I thought we had time. I did it all for you, Don’t say I never tried… It’s the lurch in my stomach when I open my eyes from the millionth vivid dream I have of us living another life together with a better ending. I never meant to hurt you Never go away It’s the itch to reach to…

[nicolesqueloquence]

I just need one peaceful holiday season.

Please.

[nicolesqueloquence]

Excuses.

I’ve been calling it, starting from ground zero in my mind. But I haven’t started anything. It’s preferable to treat this as an ending of sorts. I’ve been fighting every logical idea of self-improvement, because every thought gets derailed by a multitude of reasons that I shouldn’t or couldn’t actually do any of the following for myself: I don’t want to exercise. I don’t want to carry out…

[nicolesqueloquence]

The Climb Out of The Cage.

https://www.facebook.com/share/r/TU6wnKheBYKXvndN/?mibextid=xCPwDs Today has been a speed bullet train of epic, potentially hypomanic proportions. It started with a total lack of sleep, a stirring urge to get up at 4:30 a.m. to move my body, to organize, to plan, to wonder, to admire, to realize. And the conclusion is this: I’m finally not afraid of the peace that reality truly carries and not…

[nicolesqueloquence]

My Clarinet, My Inner Child Time Capsule

A portrait of a downtrodden girl who still doesn’t realize the power in her hand, nor the light in her heart. Buried treasure even if found in a Bermuda Triangle is still a discovery to behold.This relic meant & still means so much to me.When I chose it as my instrument to play in fifth grade, I had no clue what it was. One of my first divine interventions or sweeps with sheer luck.Even the case…

[nicolesqueloquence]

Kaleidoscope.

My last post was more than just a revelation, it was a yellow light warning: slow down. I’ve since learned I need to really stop and listen, not just hear my thoughts through such momentary silence. I also learned I have tremendous difficulty really perceiving reality when I have the blinders of dopamine-inducing distractions to cling to. And that really erodes my ability to set…

[nicolesqueloquence]

(Self)-Blocking Blessings.

We don’t have to fall from grace, Put down the weapons you fight (yourself) with, And kill (yourself) with kindness I will explain what I mean with the utmost adulteration of these lyrics. Because self-sabotage is real. When you find something almost indescribably perfect, it is impossible to ward off the inner voices of how inadequate, inferior, and inevitable it will be for me to fuck this…

[nicolesqueloquence]

You are Here.

“Be still for yourself. You don’t need to move for other people. You are here.”

There is nothing like the crushing quiet of an indoor pool. Even with the steam, the chlorine, the water subtly splashing with minuscule discriminate movements of other equally silent patrons, nothing silences my screaming heart enough to hear the fateful whispers of my soul like an indoor aquatic setting. “Be still for yourself. You don’t need to move for other people. You are here.” I lay…

[nicolesqueloquence]

Awake.

I’ve probably used this title before, but this is an unprecedented moment. This is the end of the second chapter of my love life. They always say love comes to a person in threes: the first love that scars, the second love that prepares but cannot last, and the third. Now perhaps it’s premature to establish the third but I can say this is a brand new beginning of the next phase for me. Waking…

[nicolesqueloquence]

S. A. D. D(isjointed)

I always think up blog titles, come up with reasons why they would or wouldn’t make sense, and then let them float away with the rest of my fleeting thoughts like balloons never to be grasped by my own mind again. So this one speaks to the mangled spurts of revelations flying at me inside of my mind while I simply would like to enjoy the serenity of my first walk in the neighborhood. But…

[nicolesqueloquence]

Me on a Monday.

Today, I finally felt like me again- after the first half. It took some gloomy rainy morning shadows as I typed and took calls in the dark to ease the hazy discomfort of my sleep-deprivation. Then I remembered the texts from my Mom I left unanswered the night before due to my childish stubborn determination to remain jaded by our latest conflict. She calls, I can’t answer as I’m on the phone…

[nicolesqueloquence]

Decide.

Well. The final explosion in a seemingly slow-motion barrage of fireworks went off yesterday. In front of my house, of course, the usual spot for them. I don’t yet have the words for what transpired, or the absolutely maniacal severity of the mood swings I witnessed. It was like watching a vehicular collision right in front of you but you had seen it coming from a mile away. There is a certain…