m0ndocane

[m0ndocane]

chase that raw emotion. feed yourself into that gnaw. run away as fast as you can.

[m0ndocane]

Are you sick? What with?

funny! i truly wish i knew.

the doctors don't know. they put me onto some meds, but it's only served to make me worse it seems. my brain is completely foggy and all i can seem to do is read, think or sleep. i pass the time, though.

i'm always tired. and always cold. and always weak, too. i can't really remember anything but i can assume that's part of the "always tired".

[m0ndocane]

my head feels so foggy lately. but i started a new series, so that's cool. oh, and the doctors fucked me over. i managed to snag a private appointment this tuesday, but for any meds? i have to wait at least a month. fuck everything.

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I fucking hate my mom.

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my heart still flutters when I think of him. we've literally been dating for ages. I find it amusing that I still act like we've just gone on our first date from how much I love him.

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ENTRY #9

today was great! we went on an art trip. most of the trip involved me and my beloved cuddling, reading together or listening to music.

the art exhibits were great! found tons of good things pertaining to my theme.

got a new hat too. I'm not really sure if I look good with hats, but my boyfriend likes it so I'll have to trust his judgement.

[m0ndocane]

©Philomena Famulok

mixed media, 2024

[m0ndocane]

me and my beloved's lego figures in physics

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my ribs are starting to peek through again. not sure whether to feel good or bad about that.

and don't any porn addicts come into my comments going "noo it's so good, keep going, starve". I've had about enough of you lot.

anyways, finally cleaned my mirror like I was meaning to. tempted to post a selfie.

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ENTRY #8

very sicky day today. woke at noon, but by 4pm i was back sleeping again. i sleep 12 hours a day, if not more, so i don't really have a reason to be tired. but, i am. doctor will take a blood test tomorrow and see whats up.

i drew a lot again, it's fun. we got our art exam board topics, i think i'll do something war themed. very good topic to discuss on. we get to go on a trip to the tate on tuesday, which is cool!

free-for-alled cutting my hair. went fine as usual, might dye it one of these days...

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thinking of learning to rollerblade...

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ENTRY #7

oops, forgot to do this again.

i drew a lot mainly. i think it's good for me, it gives me something to keep me busy since i'm not moving all so much. that being said, i got myself to the gym and did some cardio.

i also finally got myself some trousers i've been meaning to get for a while. beige colours suit me, i think.

it snowed! i don't actually remember the last time it snowed, must've been 4 or 5 years ago. maybe 6, actually. i remember once in primary school, it had started snowing. for whatever reason, i told all my friends i was a spirit who could summon snow, and sat there in lesson "casting spells". lo and behold, it snowed more! likely not from any of my doing, though.

i used to make up tons of imaginary games when i was younger. i know a lot of psychologists say kids do that as escapism, which... yeah, checks out i guess.

i'm better now than i used to be, so i think thats a start.

[m0ndocane]

snow?

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ENTRY #6

my marble hornets comics arrived! finally. I live in england so they had a long way to ship over.

I have to get a blood test on monday. with my crippling fear of needles, oh boy. it's worth it though, to see what's really up with my health.

even quieter day. lots of drawing, mostly just resting. I busted my arms a bit at the gym, so I hope they get better soon. I think I'll just do cardio tomorrow.

more house of leaves. very good book, Truant writes his notes in such a way that leaves you with an off feeling afterwards. like the "muss en sein?" note earlier, but throughout his entire text somehow. very good read!

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ENTRY #6

another day of forgetfulness. woke up late, slept through more of the day, might sleep late.

I did a lot of drawing! I'm working on my art style a bit, so I think it's fun. I like how the new style looks.

my godmother was around which was nice. she's very sweet, i wish she lived closer. all my family lives abroad, it's a tad bit annoying.

increased headaches, but that's not a surprise.

not so much to report today.

[m0ndocane]

— graveyard rd.

[m0ndocane]

sometimes i worry i will never be worth more than my body. i am my trauma, and i cannot change it. no matter how i fight or punch or run, i cannot change it.

i worry i won't ever be able to outrun it, sometimes.