lifeontheborderlineblog-blog

[lifeontheborderlineblog-blog]

She’s a freak.

Can a person living with a mental health disorder ever find love?

I’ve been watching a lot of Netflix movies that involve the whole, boy/girl falls for the poplar jock/prom Queen and then looses all her/his friends over something really dramatic and realises they loved their Geeky best friend all along and everything just fixes itself again. Insert cheesy narrative of them telling the watchers “I learnt that life...” or “I never knew that that special person, was... standing right in front of me” 

See I have never been in love, I have been “in love” because thanks to BPD I fall in love with the first person that talks to me. I don’t know if I’d even know what real love felt like because everything ends before I get the chance. Mainly I suck at being a normal human and keeping normal people relationships. I have pushed so many people away over the last few weeks, like they do in those movies, except in the situation it can’t be made up with an apology or cliche explanation. Because I will probably make the same mistake over and over again, although I’m trying to notice my patterns it isn't always obvious until after the wave of depression has crashed on the shore. The wave is sucked out by the current of the next wave and it is then I see the damage the previous wave has caused, the waves keep coming and the damage stays the same. 

I told someone from church I wouldn't be going back, I feel like I hurt his feelings when I told him “I can’t be in a place where everyone dislikes me, thinks I’m weird”, I didn't tell him he was an exception because part of me feels like he is among them and the other I was just too wrapped up in her own baggage to realise he may not feel the way I think. I mean he messages me and invites me to his sport days, someone who disliked me wouldn't do that, I’m thinking in ‘wise mind’ right now, a sometimes handy DBT skill that I’m yet to master/understand. I am open to an extent with people when I feel they dislike me, but even if they deny my paranoia I only feel like they are lying for make sake... sometimes. You see it’s all about facial expression and body language, if I get a weird vibe, I’m not going to believe you. It’s the same way if someone looks at me differently, their voice changes I pick up on that, I pick up on everything and it hits me hard. “They are mad at you, they think you’re a freak, remember that insta video you made? yeah they saw that and laughed at you”, I’m made of tissue paper.

The thing is, everyone that I know are successful in what they are doing, they have families, friends, husbands and boyfriends. I am lucky if I can get someone to enjoy my company for more than a minute, because I have nothing to offer to a conversation, I am the least interesting person alive. I don’t have a job, I don’t have friends, I haven't ever had a boyfriend just a long line of encounters with men that never stay longer than two-three weeks.

 In the film ‘Girl Interrupted’ they described a person with BPD as “unstable in relationships, self image and mood, uncertainty about goals, activities that are impulsive and self damaging such as casual sex. Pessimistic attitude was also added in there. I”ve had stuff like this thrown at me for years I never gave much attention but hearing it in this film, it hit me hard. Susanna says “that’s me” and I thought the same thing, except more. I have refused to accept that I do have traits from other Cluster B disorders such as Anti-Social Personality Disorder (APD) and Histrionic Personalty Disorder (HPD) the HPD hit me harder after self discovering because it’s such a deep disorder. I am uncountable with people being better than me or getting more attention than me, I will literally do or say anything to be... different. For someone that doesn't want to draw attention or stand out, I do a lot of things that draw attention. I’m confused how I can want to fit in so bad with everyone but be different at the same time.

I am truly fucked up.

Back to the love thing, because I can’t find love or have any chance at ever finding love, I turn to the first person who offers it. I will do literally anything to stop them leaving me, I will do anything to make them love me... anything. I have so many regrets because I wish I didn't give myself away so easily just because I thought it would make them love me. And I keep doing it. Deep down I want to feel something, anything than this dark hallow pit that is my soul.

I’m getting worse you know, I’m not getting better. Except because of DBT everything is in HD, everything has a name.... Anger, Sadness, black-white thinking-unwillingness... all my episodes and moods and feelings have names and that is all it is, names of fucked up shit I can’t control. It is now controlling me, I’m on an auto-pilot plane watching me fuck up everything in the VIP area. 

I wish my mum was here, because at least she would be there holding my hand. So I wouldn’t have to do this alone. I have no one else, no one and to be frank it scares me half to hell. I am more familiar with pain and sadness than happiness. Borderline Personality Disorder is the closest thing to a relationship I’ve ever had.

Tia

x

[lifeontheborderlineblog-blog]

What is BPD? Trying to understand myself.

I'm basically now studying myself and why I have a personality disorder. I started displaying the symptoms when I was 11, started with intense and violent explosive anger. I was just angry a lot. I would throw cutlery, cups and plates at my parents if they told me off or I felt I was being treated unfairly. I would just loose my shit, like I couldn't control this anger. Then I started scratching myself. I started cutting when I was 13. My BPD just got worse and worse and no one knew why I was having this intense mood swings out of no where or easily triggered into one, until i was diagnosed at 22.

Borderline Personality Disorder falls under the Cluster B personality disorders along with narcissistic personality disorder (NPD)  Histrionic Personality Disorder (HPD) and  Anti social personality disorder. 

They are characterised by

dramatic

and

overly emotional

or

unpredictable behaviours.

To others these personalities appear to be

dramatic

,

erratic

,

threatening

or

disturbing

.

Borderline’s have disregulated,  frequent and intense mood swings that are out of control of the person suffering from this disorder. Borderlines may have issues making or keeping relationships. They also lack the control of reckless and random behaviour. They often feel like they don’t know who they are. The theme of this personality disorder is rapid and unpredictable changes in a person’s  thoughts, moods, behaviours, relationships and beliefs.

Often these changes in mood are

triggered

by recurring

fear

of 

abandonment

 or  they are

triggered

by what feels like criticism by other people, such as a small argument or disagreement. A borderline can become instantly

sad

,

nervous

,

angry

or

short tempered

. A borderline might even self harm.  understandably personality problems like this create problems in a person’s relationships, job and other social situations which is why they are referred as a personalty disorder. 

A relationship with a Borderline may start and end suddenly, with the Borderline at first idolising the person in question. They quickly favour and then criticise people.

People suffering from Borderline Personality Disorder experience these episodes frequently and they can be very intense and overwhelming. Borderlines are often described as having 90 degree burns all over their body making their skin overly sensitive. Intense emotions such as fear, sadness, anger, hurt, anxiety and shame can last from a few hours to days even weeks. 

In fear of being abandoned a Borderline may do something extreme or threaten to do something extreme to keep the person from leaving. They would rather abandon someone first before the person can abandon them.

 Most people with Borderline Personality Disderder tend to lash out when feeling angry and overwhelmed  at themselves or those around them.

Some use self harming behaviours such as: 

drug and alcohol use.

unsafe sexual activities.

cutting legs, arms, wrists eg. 

shopping sprees they can't afford.

unhealthy eating habits.

In more overwhelming moments they may even attempt suicide or think about it in a very graphic way. Most borderlines categorise themselves, others or all things as either all good or all bad, no in-between. This is why small problems can often lead to relationships ending. Borderlines fear being alone because they believe they can’t handle anything on their own.

battling Borderline Personalty can be very tiring and confusing. people with this problem are in severe physical, emotional and psychological pain almost all the time!

One minute they may think of themselves as very good and the next minute they are convinced they are evil. Thoughts about other people change rapidly too. He/She may want to trust others but also believe that no one is trustworthy all this confusion can easily leave a person feeling empty, sad, shallow inside. 

In moments of severe distress, this happens only too often to me is they may feel as if they have left their body and can't recall what happened. This is called dissociation. They also suffer with hallucinations when in distress or depression.

Like Bipolar the Borderline is impulsive and have unstable emotions and experiences. Borderlines  have identity disturbances, chronic feelings of emptiness, a view of themselves as bad and worthless. While Bipolar is episodes, there is debates whether Bipolar and BPD should be categorised under the same roof since their  symptoms are so alike it is hard to diagnose a person suffering with these symptoms. A person with BPD can have up to five other disorders!

I studied from various books in trying to understand my disorder, I also got a lot of amazing information from new harbinger so check them out.

hope this helps.

[lifeontheborderlineblog-blog]

I am not me, I am everyone.

So.

lets begin here:

I don’t know if this is a borderline thing or I really am a lot more fucked up than BPD. So I split a lot, to the point I don’t believe I even have a personality. I am whoever I am around, I become them. I will adopt their accent, their hobbies, their fashion, I am mystique (X MEN) I morph. Until I discover something or someone else I like.

What I found out is that a core component of Borderline personality disorder is a lack of identity. Those with BPD tend to identify themselves through other people and have a tendency toward “chameleon” behaving patterns; literally what I was saying, that seems to be one of my many problems but I don’t notice until I’m eating a dish I didn’t like before I ‘morphed’. During arguments with someone with BPD, they have a habit of changing opinions, perspective without realising. 👀 I have done this many times and have been called ‘two faced’ ‘butt kisser’ or whatever, sometimes I realise when I’m suddenly agreeing with someone when I started out disagreeing; when I do realise it is mainly because I feel attacked, I feel irrational fear of them leaving me, that they must think I am a terrible person to agree with a topic they do not agree with. Which falls to the whole abandonment issue with BPD I suppose.

What are your thoughts?

- Tia xox

[lifeontheborderlineblog-blog]

Fatal Attraction

Am a psychopath, do I have psychopath tendencies?

seriously, is it a waiting game?

My aunt told me she knows me more than I know myself, that I am normal and there is nothing wrong with me. Either I am the master of disguises or she really does not know me.

Because, I don’t feel fine.

my head, it’s so messy I can’t deprive it, I feel like a walking jigsaw, I feel like I am stitching myself back together but every time I sew one part another part comes undone. It is exhausting. I made this blog to offer wise advice, but it is me that is in need of wise advice from you lovely followers. Perhaps I subconsciously knew this was more of a cry for help profile than a inspirational ‘let me help you’ profile.

.........................................................................................

relationships:

I will meet a kind, loving and honest pure gentleman and I have already written down my wedding vows. I already pictured our babies and their names, damn I’ll even have the name of our nursing home we’ll die in when our kids forget about us.

BUT

then comes along a man who is dangerous, Billy Russo in ‘The Punisher’ I hope you know who this is, otherwise this might not make sense.

^ Billy Russo

seriously even that gif has me falling to my knees.

I know damn straight I will drop my Church crush for Billy Russo, I will drop a christian man with a great honest job saving lives, for a man that cannot control his temper and shoved a chair leg through a man’s chest because he made fun of the scars on his face!

What does that say about me?

I believe I am so self destructive that I have created this radar that even if I am not looking for pain or inflicting it on myself, it will find me anyway because I am a ‘shit magnet’ for abusive personalities. I would reject any romantic relationship for someone that could quite possibly hurt me real bad or even kill me, yet I honestly don’t think a ‘billy Russo’ kind of man would hurt me, I believe I am an exception because the must know there is something wrong with me to love them. Or I can make them good, that is a habit of mine, thinking I can make wrong right.

I want to settle down with a great guy, but I’m scared I’ll loose him before I have him or I’ll ruin his life with me need for danger and pain. I trigger my own pain because it is the only feeling I have ever know, happiness is alien to me because it is never around long enough to enjoy. Perhaps that is the reason I attract these kind of personalities, Billy Russo is the physical version of my feelings.

[lifeontheborderlineblog-blog]

No more labels ;)

It's been a while since my last post.

Stuff hasn't been exactly great and I’ve been so confused with who I am and this BPD thing. 

I have had so many people diagnose me and un-diagnose me with all these different disorders until I wasn't even sure who or what I was. Ironically it’s not just doctors but my own family! Everyone is a doctor apparently. I even tried googling to see if that was any more helpful. I wanted to know why I was so different, why everything is so intense no matter the situation? 

Why can't I be sad without becoming suicidal and depressed? 

Why can't I be happy without being out of control, 

Why can’t i be angry without lashing? 

Why can’t I even be jealous without it consuming me?

I feel like people who is given a diagnosis then ends up becoming the diagnosis, they are told to read up on the symptoms, facts and type of medication that comes with this mental health label. I can’t speak for everyone.

I allowed myself to become the label! Instead I should not look so much into the meaning of BPD or it’s symptoms; I should focus more on the help that is out there for it! 

I still feel sceptical that I have BPD because some days it is so much worse than the symptoms I have read. My Mama suffered with depression and my dad is bipolar, I was bound to be a little crazy right? It’s practically in my DNA! 

The reason I haven't been online because I haven't felt myself since I came out of the hospital. I’m not sure why... but everything is so confusing and they tried to tell me they wanted to reassess me, I am so done with doctors and being accessed like a human guinea pig. 

BPD and Bipolar are basically the same which is why it’s so hard to distinguish one or the other in most cases. I don’t think they will ever make a certain decision for me. I’ve stopped letting it upset me and I’m trying to stop obsessing over having a label unless it’s going to benefit me or get me help. Right now I am doing DBT because that is the diagnosis I was given 4 years ago, I have Borderline Personality Disorder but that’s all it is, it is not me it’s just a hiccup in my life that I will get over after DBT. 

Guys, please don’t let your issues overcome you, I know it’s difficult, God knows I know it’s difficult. But if you are struggling please look for help don’t sit on it and suffer. If you live in the UK I know some places you can go/look in to.

- T x 

[lifeontheborderlineblog-blog]

Having a mental health disorder is exhausting.

[lifeontheborderlineblog-blog]

Stone Cold

As I know having BPD that I struggle to control my emotions or mood swings, when they get too intense I have periods of psychotic episodes. My mind won't settle it goes 100000 miles an hour, I can’t eat or sleep; the demons return with their sinister demands. They tell me to do things, the only way to quiet them enough to get some sleep is do as they say. I have scorch marks on my wall from when I tried to burn down my room, I just wanted them to go away.

After a week or two (sometimes) they just vanish as if they weren’t there and replaced with this happiness, that has been building up for a weeks and it all just comes out at once. That’s what I hate the most, because not only do I struggle to find anything to drain all this energy I end up spending sh*t loads of money on sh*t I don’t need. THEN I get depressed because I’m sitting in the pitch black because I have no electric! 

THIS A SIDE.

Does anyone (with BPD) find it difficult to have feelings for people?

What I mean is,

I’ll randomly get these strong feelings of affection for someone (family, friend or partner) my chest feels warm, I get these butterflies in my tummy and I feel all happy and everything!  I have this urge to just tell them how I feel. Mainly by text because I feel too embarrassed to say it verbally. If I’m put in a situation where I have to say ‘I love you’ verbally I can’t! Instead I feel anger and disgust for them. It’s so hard to explain or understand myself I don’t even think my DBT therapist will understand this or be able to help. 

So I’m aware I can feel some kind of empathy because sometimes but not often I will feel sad for someone or I will love someone and I will get angry at injustice. But this is very very rare, pretty much all the time I couldn’t give a sh*t! I want to so much but I don’t know how to? How do I care and actually mean it instead of pretending to care? 

Am I the only one? 

Does this make me evil? 

It seems I can only feel emotions for other people when I do, I can’t be expected to because that only makes me feel negative emotions. 

Yesterday my twin brother was crying because he was missing our mum, I told him: “Play on your Xbox or something” I didn’t know what to say or do? I instantly got angry as usual, my emotions suddenly been put on the spot. My first thought was “he’s never there for me when I’m upset”, “no way does he miss her more than me” (harsh I know) “I don’t care, whatever he’s upset” but what I wish I could feel was: “damn he’s pretty upset I should go visit him”, “I hope he’s okay” and the more I try to feel/think these the more numb I feel inside. 

The only way I’m dealing with my mum’s passing is by blocking it out, whenever something is too painful to deal with it gets moved behind a brick wall. I never dealt with my mum, I never dealt with the rape I just blocked it out because that is only thing I know how to. When someone asks me how I feel one year after the attack, I say: “I’m getting there” when really inside I’m saying: “whatever I don’t care anymore” but whenever a man looks at me or touches me in an innocent way, like the back or shoulder example, I flinch and my chest tightens. 

My main issue is my problem with empathy and how to feel it, is this a thing us BPD’s will always struggle with or am I just a heartless bitch? 

My mum said I was cold hearted, 

If a child cries I feel confused I just stand there not knowing what to do, I feel guilt as well, I think. “Stop crying, it aint gonna fix anything!” I sometimes say and I can hear how mean I sound, but it’s like I hate pitying or showing affection towards people. I honestly feel so uncomfortable in these situations. Everyone just thinks I’m a horrible human and don’t care but I want to but I just don’t know how to, otherwise I wouldn’t be stressing over it.

If anyone with or without Borderline has any helpful tips or ways they deal with compassion/empathy please, please, please help.

I DON’T WANT TO BE STONE COLD ANYMORE.

[lifeontheborderlineblog-blog]

Let It Go...

“Time will eventually knock on my door And tell me I'm not needed around anymore“ - Mikky Ekko

I really like this song, it’s raw. He sings “smile the worst is yet to come” and that is so true. I’ve had a lot of heart break, since I am Borderline my heart is very fragile and breaks more than a normal functioning human. But my heart broke in a whole new way when my Mama passed away 1 year and 1 month ago. Wednesday 16th May 2018 one half of my heart really did die.

Like Ekko sings, you will eventually be called from Earth, away from all your friends and family, your pets, your job if you aren't retired.

That’s it, 

you 

can’t 

do 

nothing, 

about 

it

you exist no more.

It was through my mum’s passing that I woke to the harsh reality of life and how our time with our loved ones are limited. I didn't get to say goodbye to my mum, to share memories on her deathbed and make peace with all the mistakes I made. I couldn’t apologize for all the wrongs and hurt I had caused her. 

But we did have a great last night together, she told me  “you should've never gave up on your writing and acting, your books are amazing, you have a talent Tizz” she turned to her friend “you should see some of her stuff! it’s fantastic”, you see after I was raped last year I stopped acting and writing, I stopped painting and drawing; I lost interest in anything artistic and became a shell of the girl I once was. Guess who was the only person who sat with me everyday, cuddled me and dried my tears after that ordeal, my mum! My dad blamed me for what happened, my mum didn’t she got me through that, we did it together. Mama and I sat until the early morning talking, laughing it was beautiful but I wasn't to know when she walked me home, when she gave me that kiss on the cheek that I jokingly wiped off; when I watched her walk into the distance, she would go to bed and leave it that afternoon in a bodybag.

 Her Kidneys shut down which caused an asthma attack which killed her. I don’t know if she was awake when this happened, I don’t know if she suffered or called out for help, I don’t know if she knew all along her kidneys were failing. But I do know is I never got to tell her I’m sorry for being a d*ck everytime we had an argument. I wished I could have said goodbye and held her hand so she wasn’t alone, I could have told her how much I loved her as she drifted away. She wasn't a perfect mum at all however she was a role model in a peculiar way. If God had given me the choice to choose my parents I would still choose the ones He gave me. 

The one thing that kept me going was, I had to make her proud, I had to show her I was a big girl. Basically, I relied on my mum like Howard relied on his mum in The Big Bang Theory, she helped me with everything. When I was going into my lows she would be there, she would cook and make sure I was hydrated until I came back again. 

I lost more than a Mother, I lost my whole support unit. My best and only friend, my nurse and comfort blanket. Her smell ‘the mummy smell’ could fix anything, just laying in her arms and listening to her heartbeat it was the best thing in the world. I lost more than a mother! 

So if I can inspire anything out of this post, it is to forgive and let go. If you pick up your phone and call your parents, my job is done. Let go of the pain, the past, the grudges and call them! Make peace because it will eat at you for the rest of your life when they are gone and that’s not worth it, not really. I understand there might be reasons you can’t call them or can’t forgive them but even if you just make it clear you are not looking for a relationship, just peace that is enough. I don’t want any of the people in my life  to lose a loved one with regrets in their heart, it’s a torturing feeling. I know my mum loved me as much as I loved her and I believe no matter what, a parent will always love their child. A mother’s love is infinite even when it comes to my half sibling that treated my mum like absoulte sh*t, he has always been a narcissistic racist, but the things he used to say to mum about her mistakes, the names he called me for being half black. He is truly a vile man but I know mum never stopped loving him and even in her last days reached out to him. He didn't deserve her love, not one bit. I dislike him so much, but I am slowly letting go of my hate and disgust at his existence, I do not acknowledge him as a sibling but he is half family so I will make peace in my heart. Will we ever speak again? well, I do not wish to have any kind of relationship with any racist, period.

People with BPD cope with things so much harder than other people, our moods are up and down, our feelings are like tissue paper. Which is why grief is so much worse for us, why while others have moved on I’m still stuck in the same time zone as the day my mum passed. My psychologist told me grief is just sadness and when you are sad you get active or opposite action (DBT Skill) but I truly believe I will never heal from loosing my best friend.

Don’t hold on to hate, life is too short for that sh*t. 

PS: I have gone back to acting, I now write sometimes and paint and draw often.

- Tia xo

My Mama <3

[lifeontheborderlineblog-blog]

Totally Borderline.

Today has been a great day so far, how about everyone else?

 I’m completely hyper and I don’t care. I had DBT today, minor panic attack and constant dissociation which is nothing out of the ordinary for me, I think my therapist likes me better hyper than depressed.

[lifeontheborderlineblog-blog]

Baby Birds

‘Attention seeker’ is such a harsh and untrue description of people living with Borderline Personality Disorder. We are not seeking attention on the slightest, I can’t speak for everyone on this, but I know I can’t function properly without approval and I will seek it where I can. It’s complicated because I am not comfortable with any sort of attention from people outside of my comfort circle. 

comfort circle definition: the sometimes growing and often decreasing amount of people I feel comfortable with. 

I don’t exactly know what I want, I often don’t know how I feel or how to explain it. I do know is I feel like a bottomless pit of worry and need for approval I need people to tell me “you’re doing fine” “you are loved” “no one hates you” “yes you made a mistake but that’s okay” “no one is abandoning you” “you are normal” “you are not crazy” “you are not ugly” “you are not a fat pig”  I feel like this is a big difference between someone that is seeking attention. 

.I have terribly low self esteem,  I often get paranoid over anything, I go to extreme levels to avoid people leaving me or I’ll leave them before they get the chance because the effect of myself abandoning them isn't as shattering as if they left me. Literally anything can trigger my anxiety, I act out on impulse and often do things that are risky to my safety or health without releasing until after, this is often a coping method. I self harm to punish myself or vent, I have attempted suicide numerous times to avoid pain, abandonment or acceptance, sadness. 

On top of this I need my space and often ignore phone calls and take weeks to reply to a text message but what pisses me off? guess what? people not answering their phone or text messages! Only because I feel avoided, alone, scared by your absence. This is very difficult for people with Borderline Personality Disorder to cope with this means I lash out very easily, I trust no one! I spend money until my bank account is in -10 balance when I’m on a high or low. I can’t even hold onto any compliment or validation for longer than 2 seconds even when I do get it.

Is social media affecting our mental health?

Social media has become the mummy bird, I realized I rely heavily on social media to feed my need to be ‘normal’ you see these beautiful women/men on instagram with 10000000000′s of likes and followers, every comment “omg you’re perfect” “i wish i looked like you” and then you want that attention, you want to be admired! There are people out there spending millions to be ‘insta model’ worthy, spending hundreds on the perfect photoshop software. I will fully confess I wish people admired me the way people admire celebrities, because of my unhealthy self body image, I want to be beautiful and I want to fit into tiny size 10 jeans, I wish I could post pictures on the beach and that’s the unhealthy side of social media I am obsessing over. 

You’d think because I am so self aware of this that I would be able to correct it. I thought that too, so I set myself a challenge. I am in the process of removing as many instagram followers as possible and banning hashtags. This will rapidly decrease any chance of getting likes on my posts.... MY WORST NIGHTMARE LITERALLY. Yes my protities are FU*CKED and I want to change that. 

My new wish is not to be insta worthy of likes, it’s to love myself and be obsessed with the way God created me, the way my mama formed me in her womb. My new wish is to inspire this on to other girls and my little sisters who are not yet old enough to be on social media; but one day they will be. I don’t want them to feel they have to seek approval from others to feel beautiful; I want them to know they are beautiful that everyone is beautiful and unique in so many amazingly different ways.

[lifeontheborderlineblog-blog]

UP & DOWN.

I am still trying to accept the idea of having a Personality Disorder. 

I am trying to accept the voices are not real, the things I see and feel are not real. I have lived with my demons so long they feel so very real and it’s frustrating when these doctors call them hallucinations. Sometimes... actually majority of the time I want to prove they are real, I don’t want to be ‘mentally ill’ because to me they are real.

ROCK BOTTOM:

Last weekend the voices became very loud, very very very loud, I can hear them everyday they mimic my voice. Then I can go forever where they are not there, but then something will just trigger them back into existence. I’m trying to pinpoint what could have started it again, was it at the BBQ? and my photo was taken and I looked like a troll that photo? would then go online where a guy I am in love with will see it and any chance that he felt something would be squashed because I look like a hideous creature in this photo! I know for weeks after that happened I was so insecure that I couldn’t leave the house, I deleted instagram. OR was it just triggered by one of my frequent attacks of depression and this one happened to attract my 3 demons, that I opened a gateway for. I have studied them and I think looked into them too much over the last week of them turning my world upside down. I see them but it is only one of them (I don’t know any of their names) he makes himself visible in different forms, even people that look like you and me and it’s through them they physically hurt me. The second one attacks me with my own voice and makes me believe that my own thoughts are mine but they are not. The third rarely talks, he has his own voice but I can just sense him, I can just sense all 3. I know you are probably thinking I’m nuts, I’m not. I’m Just trying to understand everything.

I was hospitalized on Saturday after losing control of my body, mind and choice. It was the first time since starting DBT in October that I had self harmed. I didn't feel shame, I was relieved... excited I missed the feeling. But it wasn't the same, I found it very hard to self harm the way I used to and I then got upset because I was basically ‘rusty’ at it. They were telling me to do all these things and it was so loud so fast I couldn't catch up and hear them, I was able to ring the Crisis team who were able to get hep to me before things got worse. Long story short, I’m not sure if they are real or they are not but it does not stop it being terrifying. It doesn't stop my moods from being up and down and uncontrollable.

But what is real is the people I have lost, by trying to protect the people I love I lost them completely. The fact they left so easily is heartbreaking, this is what my demons want, to get me alone and end me the way they ended my mum. 

I would like to remind anyone just walking into this chapter of my life, you are not just walking into a bad chapter, this will not pass. Well. it will. But me and my demons are a package deal as I have said, if you want me you have to be strong enough to handle my worst days as much as my great days. If I have done it so far, there’s no reason you can’t lol.

If I could say anything right now that is helpful, it is:

1: you are not alone... 

2: The crisis team, it is great if you can call them they are helpful and will get help to you fast. But they are also the most useless mental health support ever. They are not there for you long term and will ditch you after 3 days even if you are in crisis still. 

3: If you can find a DBT course, take it!

4: Body & Soul is the organisation that works with me and they have been so amazing. Even though I don’t feel like they believe me.

https://youtu.be/XJkxp4IjJ98 <-- WATCH THIS VIDEO BY got-to-gogh.tumblr.com  

[lifeontheborderlineblog-blog]

This is how having a mental health disorder. 

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Jesus take the wheel

I don’t know about you (other Borderline’s) but I find that mental health takes a huge toll on my faith. I have been a Christian since I was a foetus, I had a terrible childhood but I got through it all! I wasn't afraid because I had Jesus. 

But suddenly over the last few years I find myself withdrawing from my saviour and feeling empty, feeling like I am alone and the idea of God and Jesus was a fantasy I made up in my head. I dissociate everyday, I spend more time in a different reality, time zone, existence, planet than I do in the present (real world), I don’t even believe I exist so I think it’s understandable that I question God’s. 

If I am not fighting with dicosation I am fighting with psychotic episodes where I will believe I can see demons, this then brings me to believe all my doubts are from the Devil who really plays a big role in my life. If you make an entrance for the devil (alcohol, wild parties, sex outside of marriage) he will take that opportunity right? To be honest I wouldn’t be surprised if all my issues is because I have some psychotic demon inside of me. Which feels very real when I can hear and see them in my head. I’m not crazy I’m just very fucked up possible (laughs out loud) These are very real to people with psychotic episodes so it isn't  something to joke around, you would not know how terrifying it is until you are in that world where your nightmares are starting you dead in the face.

Where does God come from? 

I can not answer that and only one person can answer that and he hasn't spoken to people since Jesus walked the Earth. I know he sends me signs and this reassures me for about a minute, then i’m back to feeling like an alien... a ghost... a figment of someone’s imagination. 

Does anyone else find mental health creates a brick wall for them? 

Do you have any advice?

I think my faith took a dip once I started using alcohol and sex to make me forget how miserable I was. I sometimes think I stopped following God out of fear because he could and still can see everything awfully embarrassing I do. You have no idea how much I pray for my faith to come back because I will God, I miss the security I miss how happy he made me just by being in my life; I was never afraid because I knew I had God by my side. Now I fear we will never get our relationship back and I’ll die and it will be too late. I’ll go to hell and I won’t be with my mum or family. I don’t want to go to hell over my mental health making me doubt anything good in my life really exists. I want to be with God and my family when the end comes for me. 

This scares me a lot, perhaps it does you? I’m terrified to die with my broken faith unresolved, I go to church in hopes that God will just come to me, because I will never give up trying to find him no matter how much the Devil wills it. Perhaps this is a test of patience I have no idea but God I’ve had enough. Have mercy. 

I find myself wondering if I should just end it, if I’m going to hell I might as well get it over and done with, because I feel like I’m in hell anyway. I don’t believe I will ever marry or have a family of my own I just know that was written for me as much as I pray for a happy ever after. So what am I living for?

So anyone that has done DBT will know about wise mine, reasonable mind and emotional mind. My wise mind is telling me not to stress about this, my faith will come back when the time is right. My reasonable mind is telling me that God can see I am trying and that is enough, that is enough for anyone suffering with faith like me. The more you force yourself or push, the more you’ll withdraw, take your time and allow yourself to heal first. God knows you are sorry for your errors after all it is written that he gave his only son so that we can be forgiven. 

Tia

xo

[lifeontheborderlineblog-blog]

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me: *is laughing, feeling happy and having a good time*

my mental illness: you have been faking me all this time for attention

me: *immediately shuts down for a week and talks to no one*