languishinglemon

[languishinglemon]

part one

When I was 12 and 13,

I starved myself;

I liked to be lightheaded

and that uncertain feeling

of whether or not I'd be able

to stand back up after collapsing

from situps or jumping or jogging.

I loved the thrill of waking up late,

drinking three cups of coffee

and using that adrenaline to shower.

And by shower I don't mean clean myself,

I mean the only place where I could be

exercising for an hour

because no one could hear my heavy breaths

and the monotonous cacophony

of my back or my legs or my heels

tapping the tile every second or two.

I loved knowing about everything

and its calorie quantity.

Each day I had an infallible number

in tens, hundreds, or thousands

to measure my value.

[languishinglemon]

a limerick for Eleven

Imagine the plight of Eleven:

just longing to hear one last lesson—

to not be a fool

or that damn 3-inch rule—

but in vain because Hopper's in heaven.

[languishinglemon]

a limerick on bisexuality lol

I've had a few crushes on guys

so when a cute girl caught my eye,

I thought it pathetic—

the attraction aesthetic—

but it's time to come out y'all: I'm bi.

[languishinglemon]

sometimes I cut and feel guilty for cutting

but I also feel guilty for not cutting deep enough

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I hate summer bc it means 1) I can't distract myself with school, 2) that I'm not able to do the one thing I'm good at, and 3) that I'm deprived of validation from authority figures

[languishinglemon]

guys we're all so lonely but we're also all too incredibly socially anxious to ask someone to hang out

[languishinglemon]

the power of music

i journey up a mountain,

weaving between avalanches

and always glancing desperately

toward the peak.

-

i sit in a maple boat that's

covered with a smattering of palm leaves,

chest to chest with the one

i've been dreaming about for so long.

-

i stand alone in an alley that's

dank, damp, and dirty,

slowly collapsing because i've lost

the person i hold most dear.

-

i am anywhere and everywhere

at any time and every time.

i can be with anyone i choose;

i can be anyone i choose.

[languishinglemon]

a whisper, a whisker

a wizard, a world:

so endlessly open

for wisdom, for words.

-

that take, then turn,

tremendously tranform

this trainwreck of a life

into a

-

into a

-

into a—no.

-

nothing needs to be taken away, turned around, or transformed. you're already enough.

[languishinglemon]

self care is taking the time to put ice in your water bottle each morning

[languishinglemon]

don't start

something you'll regret,

something that hurts you

mentally or physically.

-

one swipe turns into two,

which turns into three tomorrow

and four the next day.

-

a little satisfaction,

a sliver of relief

isn't worth it:

a lifelong struggle to go back to

where you are now.

-

don't start cutting.

you won't be able to stop.

trust me.

[languishinglemon]

to whatever helps you get out of bed in the morning:

embrace it—and not just gently;

squeeze every bit of everything from it.

-

if it’s your dog waiting for you downstairs,

give her a pat and a treat

and let her show that she loves you too.

-

if it’s the bag of m&ms waiting for you on your desk,

have a few extra and 

let your tastebuds relish them a little longer.

-

if it’s the fear of your parent’s rejection,

embrace that too.

because that’s going to push you

more than anything else,

and sooner than you know,

you won’t have it 

or need it

anymore.

-

find the things in life that make you smile,

that make you interested, 

that make you mad.

those are the things that will get you out of bed,

that will get you out of the house,

that will give you life even for one more day.

[languishinglemon]

Self-hatred, worthlessness, and emptiness

Are feelings felt by those too numb to feel

Emotions filling the emotionless

[languishinglemon]

I've never been outgoing.

I've never been the kid who would

Boldy say 'my name is'

Be bubbly around strangers

-

I told myself it's not my fault because

my brother made fun of my lisp,

my sister never let me talk,

my mother made fun of my body,

my father never let me explore my interests.

-

I didn't have a friend

until I was eleven

and bless her precious soul,

but we didn't even talk that much

didn't have much in common

-

but she was the first to ever call me 'a friend'

I cried that night.

she was the first to ever ask someone to move so she could sit next to me

I cried right then and there.

-

but that's not my family's fault

-

and it's not mine

-

and above all, it's not the fault of the girls

who made me feel like an outsider

because I did the same to them

who talked behind my back

because I called them crazy

-

it's just what it is.

[languishinglemon]

question

when people say their pronouns why do they say they/them and he/him rather than just they or he? do some use like she/them or they/him ???

[languishinglemon]

do u ever feel like u don't actually have an identity you're just constantly pretending to be someone else, someone normal

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If you're non-binary (don't identify with any gender) and straight does that mean you're only attracted to people who identify with all genders (eg gender fluid) ???

[languishinglemon]

someone

please god give me someone to set my soul aflame 

Someone to breathe life back into this corpse 

To mend all the broken stitches

Someone to bring light back into the broken belief of love