junkyard-trash-blog

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I tried to play Skyrim tonight after over a year of not playing. Guess how it went?

It didn't.

I got five minutes into the game then said, "fuck this. This is boring. I'm bored."

So, I quit Skyrim and went back to Minecraft *sigh*

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Same, and also

Why?

to the people who are following me

thank you

im sorry

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Morgana: Gwen, I’m going to teach you how to kiss a boy

Gwen: okay?

Morgana: Here’s what you do - 1) grab his waist 2) slip your hand into his pocket 3) steal his wallet 4) don’t even kiss him 5) run like hell

Gwen: and what if I want to kiss a girl? (~‿•)

Morgana: (•///•)

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Ladies, I am holding out my hand. Do you trust me?

I need you to open Google Maps. Locate your nearest mall. Get in your car. Drive to Yankee Candle.

Past the seasonal pumpkin display, near the back of the store, you will find a trash pile Man Candle section. You will see candles called MMM, Bacon!. Riding Mower. Man Town. (I’m not kidding. Man Town.) Stay strong. Not in this section, but likely very near this section, you will find a candle called Mountain Lodge.

Hold this jar in your hands like a talisman. Close your eyes and picture a man.

I want to be clear: I’m not talking about a Hugh Dancy. Or an Andrew Garfield, a Ben Whishaw, even a Tom Hiddleston. This exercise requires someone in the Chris Evans weight class. The Richard Armitage department. Someone with smile lines around his eyes who could chop the cedar for your bower with his own hands, strangle an alpha wolf, carry you home when you sprain your ankle in the woods, bench press your entire body. Picture this man in your mountain home with a full beard, a slightly grimy white henley, a fond half smile he reserves only for you. Now open the lid and smell Mountain Lodge.

Steady yourself on the man candle display. Give yourself a second. No, you’re not wrong. Yes, the Yankee Candle Company has just eliminated the need for men. This medium tumbler Mountain Lodge candle jar is now your boyfriend. The Yankee Candle Company has effectively replaced the need for contact with the male half of our species with a compact and clean-burning candle in a jar.

“Do you like this one?” the cashier asked, ringing me up. “Every man should be required by law to smell like what this candle smells like,” I replied intensely. “That’ll be $12.01,” she said.

MOUNTAIN LODGE

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remember when hozier did the victorias secret fashion show. scream

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Executive chef at a top Thai restaurant tells Gordon Ramsay that his Pad Thai is trash [x]

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Morgana: I came out to attack people and I'm honestly having such a good time right now

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Legolas sees Gimli’s tiddies for the first time at the counsel of Elrond and bursts into tears ‘cause he’s never wanted to be railed so bad in his life. 

Elrond misunderstands and is like tsk we must overcome our prejudices, Thranduilion 8-|

And then Legolas spends the entire quest like,

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the team (+others) gets stabbed

Merlin: *sighs like this is the most inconvenient thing in the world to ever happen to him* 

Arthur: sure, it’s the thought that counts and I appreciate the sentiment, but can I return this gift?

Leon: this isn’t really how I pictured my day going when I woke up this morning but who am I to complain?

Lancelot: you wound me, literally. you just actually wounded me. that thing is really sharp. don’t look at me like that, they can’t all be winners

Gwaine: wouldn’t it have been funny if I just flew back like balloons do when you pop ‘em? can you even imagine? God. just, do it again, pretend the first time didn’t count. come on, please?

Percival: *grabs the sword by the blade, pulling it out, hands it back to the bandit* here, you dropped this

Elyan: it sword of seems like you’ve got a problem with me

Mordred: oh no, I’m allergic

Morgana: *maniacal laughter*

Gwen: *sobbing* why?

Gaius: okay, Gaius, don’t go into shock. you go into shock and you’ll die

Daegal: what did I ever do to you? i’ve been doing good things. I’m gonna tell Merlin on you

Freya: *pulls the sword out because she’s the Lady of the Lake and can’t be harmed by mortal blades * that’s kind of rude, don’t you think?

Uther: Throw them in the Dungeons! Execute them! OfF wItH tHeIr HeAdS!

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The fact the Black Mamba is the most deadly snake in the world continues to be hilarious to me

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Instead of making up shitty racist headcanons about Miles shoplifting join me in headcanoning him picking up ballet because he thought Gwen being a ballerina was super neat and it would help him in his spiderman job

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So...I think I broke my toe :/

Or well, I should say that the freezer [possibly?] broke my toe. The damn thing just loves to throw all the frozen food out whenever I open the door to get something out.

Well today, I wanted to set out some ribs to thaw so we can have them tomorrow night for dinner. The bitch ass freezer decides it'd be funny if threw a package of beef stew meat at me.

Suffice to say, my reaction time was slow because I had just woken up. And now I got a [possibly?] broken toe because of some douche canoe.

I'm pretty sure it's broken - certainly looks like it - because hey, I've had stuff dropped on my foot before and came out with a small bruise [and one time a tiny cut one time? Idk how that happened]. But like, it's never hurt this bad before - and when I say "bad", I mean like the toe throbs constantly to let me know "hey, I'm injured down here" - so like, it's not agonizing, but it is irritating.

I thought about going to the doctor but 1) I don't have health insurance at the moment; and 2) the doc's just gonna tape the toe to it's neighbor so what's the point? I got the tape at home and gauze and I'm not that much of an idiot that I can't tape two toes together.

So yeah, just sharing the story of my first ever broken bone! [I'm actually really excited because I've never broken any bones before! :D]

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Do not judge me, wise Elder, for the mid of night offerings bestowed to me upon this temple of mine. I am the God who dwells inside and will partake when I please.

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Diver convince octopus to trade his plastic cup for a seashell