joelboyens

[joelboyens]

How am I supposed to be able to tell what's my own creative work or the voices doing?

It's pissing me off, I've been trying my hand at multiple (failed) projects and throughout the whole time the voices keep telling me what I should or shouldn't do in regards to my creative endeavors. It's really fucking infuriating me right now. It might be one thing if I knew the voices were explicitly my own, but I'm paranoid as all hell and I can't tell what's really my own thoughts or not. What am I supposed to do? Because half the time the voices actually offer really good advice, which I feel explicitly obligated not to follow out of principle. Do I concede, and let the voices win? Or stay true to myself and my own supposed "artistic integrity?"

[joelboyens]

What are people going to say when I've tried everything and the voices still won't go away?

I tried sharing my experiences with some of the paranormal subreddits a few months back and got called out for being a crackpot. I went to some of the crackpot subreddits and got called out for not trying everything I could to stop the voices and was told to see a psychiatrist and try psychiatric medicine. This was not just insulting because it disregarded my thoughts feelings and experiences. It was particularly insulting because I have a psychiatrist, and I take psychiatric medication already, and they still insisted I need to see a psychiatrist and take medication. I tried explaining I had treatment resistant conditions, yet they still denied my condition and suggested I haven't tried enough. So here we are today.

For what it's worth I do agree with these people in one sense. There is more I could be doing to improve my mental health. For one, I'd still been using cannabis up until recently. I finally quit the weed and have been clean off it for a couple months. Yay me! I'm really happy with that actually not just for my mental health but because I've wanted to quit for a while now. So that's something that will hopefully increase my mental wellbeing.

The second thing I did a couple few days ago was talk to my psychiatrist and I'm going to try a new antipsychotic. I forget whatever the hell it's called, but it's a new one. And I still haven't gotten it from the pharmacy yet but I see my psychiatrist again in a couple months. I'll just have to see how it works, and if this doesn't work than I'm going to continue trying until I find something that does work. And one of two things will happen.

Either I really am a crackpot and I'll find the right medication that gets rid of my voices. Or, if not, then I'll have the evidence I need to prove to everyone else that I either have a treatment resistant condition, or that my voices are real. It might take a while of going through the wringer so to say and trying every medication I possibly can, but I'm not confident. I'm still convinced I'm being possessed by alien-demons, and I swear to God I'm going to prove it somehow one day even if it's at the behest of my own sanity.

[joelboyens]

I'm going insane trying to write a single story.

I've been doing my best and trying my hardest to write something, anything, and complete it. Butt fuck me if I'm having an impossible time with it. I keep coming up with an idea, developing the story, writing countless outlines, start with the introduction, rewrite even more outlines, try starting over again until I become so frustrated I can't move on. And it just happened again. Part of the problem is the voices in my head are doing their best to prevent me from any further progress. I just want to fucking die, I'm so done with this.

[joelboyens]

Do I let the voices win, or do I keep banging my head against a wall?

I've been trying to kickstart my writing career (just kidding, I'm mostly just trying to engage in it as a hobby) and it's been going pretty badly. I keep having mood swings and delusions combined with the voices extreme negative feedback, it just hasn't been going well. This has been my dilemma.

I keep flip flopping and being inconsistent with what I want to write. I made a decision a while ago to just stick with one no matter how bad the voices get or have much I might change my mind. I've been banging my head against a wall though, and to be honest I'm kind of done with this story on my own accord. But I've been trying to persevere and stick to with what I promised myself I would do.

The thing is it's not even that great of a story I'm trying to work on. Actually, it's a pretty shit story, but I sorta wanted to start writing stories/books with a shit story to practice on then save the good ones for later. I just don't know if it's worth it anymore. The biggest thing is I don't want to give in to the voices, but I've been determined not to give up no matter how bad it gets. What do you guys thinks?

[joelboyens]

"Free" marriages.

I just had this crazy idea of what if they made it so people could leave themselves open for anyone to marry them? Like, currently I'm in a fake/stalker relationship with Ava Max (it's not creepy because I own up to it) and I was wondering wouldn't it be cool if she could leave herself "free" or open for anyone to marry her? That way all the other creepers like me can be in a legitimate vicarious relationship with her. Boom. That's like, at least a few billion dollar industry right there. I don't know what perks you'd get for marrying someone this way, but surely someone greater than me could figure this out.

[joelboyens]

I'm being bullied by my own thoughts.

I hate to say it but I understand more what it feels to be bullied to your breaking point. That's not to say I'm suicidal, but I've definitely had those thoughts a few times throughout the past few weeks of my life. Some people might say I'm crazy, and that the voices aren't real and it's all in my head. And to which I say I couldn't agree more. It is all in my head, and that's the problem.

I've literally been able to do nothing to stop my thoughts from assaulting me. I take my medication every day, I've been off the reefer for a month or so. And things haven't just not gotten better they've gotten worse. I don't really know what else to do except hold out as long as I can until I can see my psychiatrist again.

The worst part is (which no one will ever believe me) is that the voices in my head have control over my thoughts, feelings, and emotions. They literally have the control panel to my body. I don't know how this happened, other than I'm hallucinating so gravely that my entire perception of reality is a lie. Regardless it's very frightening, and I feel alone and like I have no one I can share this with because they'd think I'm a lunatic.

Which, I am a lunatic. It's just I'm a lunatic with a cause. Or, at least I'd like to think I am. Anyway, thanks for reading, I hope you have a good one.

[joelboyens]

What is the difference between a rodent and an insect?

Compare this poll (Post 1)

To this poll (Post 2)

These two posts are two different variations of the same poll. They each questioned Reddit users if they would send a particular animal, both considered "lower" forms of life, and asked if they would send either of these two beings to Hell if everyone else in existence got to go to Heaven. For all eternity... that should be a given, though.

Unsurprisingly most people would be willing to send one of these lowly beings to Hell in favor of sending everyone to Heaven. Whatever, I completely disagree with this notion for my own personal reasons, but whatever I get why people would feel such a way. What I'm getting on about is if you look at the difference in spread between the first post and the second post is absolutely horrifying.

The first poll asked if users would send a mosquito to Hell in favor of the rest of existence in Heaven. The second was a mouse. The first poll scored about 9:1 ratio in favor of sending the mosquito to Hell. The second one was about 4:1.

What, the, absolute fuck. I don't know if people just weren't able to empathize with a mosquito at all, or people don't understand how horrifying actually would be, but that shouldn't fucking matter. Hell is the absolute worst, unimaginably bad, atrocious, painful, plane of existence possible. No living being, deserves to be in Hell. It's just unacceptable. It shouldn't matter if it's a being that might not even be conscious, as compared to one that's just slightly higher in the order of living beings.

I even did a post on this a little while back, I called it Hell simulator! I wasn't allowed to post it here apparently, so if you're interested send me a message! Suffice to say it illustrates that (if it exists) Hell is the worst torment any living being could go through and experience. Imagine dying, and the pain of dying, but it never goes away. Like having a constant heart attack, or drowning in water but never suffocating, or being shot or stabbed in the same place indefinitely. That is not even able to begin to compare to the torture and suffering that is Hell. It's immeasurable.

So, why would anyone think that's okay to do to any living being? I'd like to think that people's idea of Hell is deluded by the cartoons and songs and games that portray Hell as this nonsensical idea that could never actually exist in any sense of the imagination. Please, just tell me that's all it is. Because I sure hope that for anyone who voted in favor of sending the beasts to Hell, that whatever person that comes along and has the death switch on their life is more merciful to them than they said they'd be to a lowly mosquito or mouse.

[joelboyens]

I've been alone my whole life. Only I haven't, the alien-demons that possess me have been there the whole time. That's the real insult to injury.

The alien-demons have taken harbor in the confines of my mind. And for hearing voices, they aren't actually all that bad sometimes. More often than not, they are actually rather considerate and hospitable. That's the insulting part though, because I know they've been with me my whole life and have just never made their presence known until more recently in my life.

And that's just it, the voices or alien-demons as I call them have been trying to manage and make my life better (supposedly?). And I'm just like, "get the f!@# away from me I've been alone my whole life and I don't need or want your gracious presence in my life." I just don't know how to get through with them on this one. They say, "oh we're here to help" but have never helped me the rest of my God damn life. Why should it be any different now?

[joelboyens]

They're impersonating my dead brother.

As in the voices are. In particular there's one voice that won't let up that they're my brother. It's really disturbing since my brother won't even talk to me in person anymore. It makes me feel like if it really were my brother that he's the biggest coward in existence for harassing me via telepathy when he refuses to talk to me in real life.

[joelboyens]

I can't be myself in my own mind anymore.

I'm too delusional man, woman, person. The f!@#ing voices are out to get me. It's just driving me crazy more than anything that I can't engage in the things I want to do without constant criticism from my voices. Not that it's anything new... I just want to f!@#ing scream about it.

[joelboyens]

I destroyed all of my physical artwork.

Gone. It's all gone now. First earlier this week I deleted and destroyed all digital and physical traces of the current project I'm working on. Then, a couple days ago I deleted all the content on my Google Drive. Now today, I destroyed all of my physical artwork, journals, and other musings from the rest of my life. Primarily all of the drawings I made in my earlier 20s. Why did I destroy all of my work?

I don't really exactly know. I was trying to prove a point... to the voices. So I'm not sure if it's the voices fault or my own fault, but regardless, this is a clear indication of my waning mental sanity. Time and time again they've convinced me that I need to destroy all of my creative works, and today was the final nail in the coffin. Literally. I have nothing else left to destroy. It's as if a wildfire went through my room and destroyed everything. And all I can really say after this whole endeavor is I feel more sympathy with people who have lost their homes and other physical property. Because that's how I feel now.

[joelboyens]

I destroyed 90% of my content/artwork on Google Drive.

Yeah. So much for vandal proofing.

[joelboyens]

I figured out a way to "vandal proof" my Google Drive files.

Well, the first issue is I found a way to permanently delete files on Google Drive. See, the issue is Google backups all your Drive files even if you delete them "forever." They usually have backups that last at least 30 days and in that time you can request them to perform a file restoration which can usually recover files deleted "forever."

Why is this even an issue to begin with? Because I often will get paranoid and sabotage my own work. This hasn't been too big of an issue in the past because if I ever did I'd just ask Google to do a file restoration. That is until I figured out a latest trick to evade this hurdle.

So instead what you do is open a Google Drive file, delete all the contents, close it so it'll force save, then delete it and there's not much you can do about that. Because even if you did have Google do a file restoration, it'd be restoring blank files. Neat!

But not really. I've destroyed 3 generations of the same project now and I'm f!@#ing fuming. So now I've had to in response to my destructive nature figure a way to find a workaround for this workaround and this is what I came up with.

Instead what I figured out as a best solution for actual permanent deletion of files is to make a copy of a file, and instead of backing it up to just delete it "forever." That way, I don't have access to the file anymore, but it's still saved in Googles prior 30 day backups, and if I ever find myself needing that file again I can just ask Google to do a restoration and there will be my files I wanted to protect from myself. Neat!

While this particular workaround is arguably pretty ingenious, it's really more of a sad testament to my mental wellbeing. Oh well, you do what you can with what you got I guess.

[joelboyens]

I've destroyed 3 art projects now because of the paranoia.

I hear voices, or alien-demons as I call them. And well, it's actually all 3 of the same one project, it's a story I'm trying to write and I can't even get past the introductory chapter before I'm so overwhelmed by the voices that I panic and destroy my work. Fun times, right?

[joelboyens]

Circumcision is penis amputation.

I feel like I'm taking crazy pills with this one. I hate the argument that, "oh, it's just a piece of skin." And circumcision is so commonplace that most people don't think twice of it. Even intactivists get fooled by this argument that the foreskin is just some arbitrary part of the penis. It's not though, the foreskin is a sexual organ that has a legitimate purpose that is critical to the role of how the penis functions.

Circumcised men who are victims of the practice are no different than any other type of would be amputee. Only in this case they're penis amputees. I swear to God one day aliens are going to find Earth and be bewildered at the practice of circumcision, asking us, "why are you guys amputating parts of your penis?" If circumcision popped up anywhere else in the universe people would think it's fucking nuts. But it's so commonplace in our world that there's even a fucking word, "circumcision," to describe the practice. That's just sick if you ask me.

[joelboyens]

They're ruining my f!@#ing life.

The voices. I'm not able to function like a normal human because of it. I'm not even like, going on about the voices being real or not right now. It's just that I'm having these hallucinations and I can't move forward with my life. Because, as soon as I start improving in one area of my life, they start bashing me down until I move onto the next. And then I move onto the next thing, get bashed down, and move onto the next thing. Then this keeps happening and it's going on in a violent circle for years now and I just can't fucking handle it anymore.

So what am I doing about it now? Well, I quit consuming weed, which is a big step forward for me. I'm going to talk to my psychiatrist about this the next time I see them and maybe get on new medication. Butt f*ck, I'm really not unconvinced that it's all going to be for naught. I feel like I'm destined to be cursed, haunted, possessed by these alien-demons for the rest of my f!@#ing life. I know what to do now, but I have now idea how I'm going to cross that bridge once I get there.

[joelboyens]

Hey! Ever get lonely talking to yourself? Come on over to /r/InsaneTalk and talk to us about it instead!