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Green Arrow: Hey, can I get a sip of that water?

Batman, lowering his suspiciously unlabelled water bottle: It’s not water.

Green Arrow: Vodka! I like your style!

Batman: It’s vinegar.

Green Arrow: …What?

Batman: It’s vinegar… Pussy.

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Bruce Wayne, mumbling: Alfred can you help me get this stain off my shirt?

Alfred Pennyworth: Come again?

Bruce Wayne: No this time it’s sour cream

Alfred Pennyworth, stopping in his tracks: 🤨

Bruce Wayne, also stopping in his tracks when he realizes: 😳

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Made a DC Twitter themed blog! I know there are tons of them out there but this one’s mine :)

First post! Based off of a tweet I remember seeing but can’t find for the life of me

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Fake text messages from Alfred’s most evil joke ever

Original meme under cut:

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Robin in the Wayne Enterprises board room: I’m glad you could all make it. We need to discuss finances today.

Kid Flash: …It’s just me?

Robin: I know. You owe me twenty bucks.

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Commissioner Gordon: Oh isn’t it sweet how our kids are playing together?

Batman: Yeah, it’s adorable, they’re probably playing house together or something.

Commissioner Gordon: Oh yeah, probably!

Batgirl, holding a Kermit the Frog puppet and imitating his voice: Your father and I have called this family meeting to tell you… You tell him.

Robin, holding an Elmo puppet and imitating his voice: Elmo’s getting a divorce!

Robin, holding a Batman action figure and imitating his voice: What? No!

Batgirl, as Kermit: I’m sorry, honey, but we’ve already decided. You must choose,

Robin, as the Batman figure: Choose what?

Batgirl, as Kermit: Who to live with full time or who to visit on the weekends.

Robin, as the Batman figure: But what about Christmas?

Robin, as Elmo: See? Look what you’re doing to this family!

Batgirl, as Kermit: Well I wasn’t the one to sleep with Stacy from HR! And after our son Mario disappeared

Robin, as Elmo: Elmo made a mistake!

Batgirl, as Kermit: This marriage was a mistake!

Robin, bringing out a Mario action figure: Mama! Papa! It’s-a-me, Mario!

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Riddler, aiming a gun at Robin: Don’t move or I’ll shoot!

Robin: Bet you twenty bucks I’ll survive.

Riddler: You’re gonna survive me shooting you in the head?

Robin: Every time I bet I’d survive something, I’ve won.

Riddler: Bullshit.

Robin: Motherfucker, I’m here.

Riddler: I mean I suppose but the situation has never been as dangerous as this.

Robin: Do you wanna make the bet or not?

Riddler: Hey, if I win the bet, who’s gonna give me the money?

Robin: Oh don’t worry, I’ll live.

Riddler: Alright, alri - no, cause then if you live, then I owe you money!

Robin: Exactly. If you shoot me, you have a chance of getting zero dollars or losing twenty dollars. But if you don’t shoot me, then you’re guaranteed not to lose any money.

Riddler: Well, I’ll do the second option, then. That’s the only one that really makes sense.

Robin: Yeah, that’s what I’m sayin’!

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Roy Harper: Is your dick big enough for you to be acting the way you do?

Jason Todd: Yes.

Roy Harper: Show me.

Jason Todd: Check your phone.

Roy Harper: …He can keep acting the way he does.

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Dick Grayson: Any of you guys know how to render?

Damian Wayne: I can render my enemies immobile.

Dick Grayson: I meant 3D computer renders but I’ll keep you in mind for future reference.

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Dick Grayson: I hope I don’t wake up.

Damian Wayne: Same.

Dick Grayson: See you in the next life, then.

Damian Wayne: Oh no, I meant I hope you don’t wake up. I’m doing fine.

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Sequel to this post that I made up:

Batman, who happened to overhear the conversation: No the fuck you’re not.

Green Lantern: I’m literally Jewish. I know you researched everyone’s identities when the League started. You have to have known that I was Jewish.

Batman: Not that. There’s no way you’re a fucking top.

Flash: You’re a dreidel.

Green Lantern: No, that’s a Jewish top. I’m -

Green Lantern: Well -

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Wonder Woman, the only constant voice of reason in the entire Justice League: Please, I’m begging you, go to a doctor.

Batman, clutching his stomach: I’m sorry, is this our stab wound? Stay out of it!

*Batman turns around and takes a few steps, then abruptly passes out and falls to the floor*

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*Batman and Commissioner Gordon outside the interrogation room at GCPD. Gordon is pacing, thinking about how to get information out of an uncooperative suspect*

Batman: Just smack him. Hard. With a phone book on a body part no one can see, you know what I’m saying?

Commissioner Gordon: So you’re suggesting police brutality?

Batman: …Haha, yeah, I guess so. Why?

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Flash: You’re a dreidel.

Green Lantern: No, that’s a Jewish top. I’m -

Green Lantern: Well -

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GCPD Officer: You’re under arrest for attempting to carry three people on a single motorcycle.

Jason Todd: Damn, Bruce is gonna kill - wait, three?

GCPD Officer: Yes, three.

Dick Grayson: Oh my god.

Tim Drake: Damian fucking fell off.

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Tim Drake: You’re not special for reading The Great Gatsby, we all went to high school.

Jason Todd: Whenever you feel like criticizing anyone, just remember that all the people in the world haven’t had the advantages that you’ve had.

Tim Drake: Okie dokie, let’s town it down here, I was just making a joke.

Jason Todd: So was I. That’s one of the first lines of the book.

Tim Drake: What.

Tim Drake: I never read the book.

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Jason Todd: It is apparently TS Elliot day.

Tim Drake: Does she have an OnlyFans?

Jason Todd: Renowned 1920s poet TS Elliot does not have an OnlyFans, no.