hypnophobiaflower

[hypnophobiaflower]

Do it so 2019’s goal is to STAY thin.

[hypnophobiaflower]

Okay so I am writing a few books on this app called "Wattpad" and if any of you are interested I would be more then happy to have you read them because they mean to much to me and I put and still am putting so much love and tome into writing those books🌹. | Anyways, have a beautiful day, butterflies💕|

[hypnophobiaflower]

Why?

- so he will like me
- so i dont look that embarassing when we meet
- so i can be proud of myself
- no bloated stomach
- a real thigh gap
- counting my ribs
- feeling my hipbones
- reaching my gw
- being pretty
- a less round face
- cheekbones
- my eyes will look bigger
- skinny thighs
- being skinny
- skirts
- skinny jeans that fit because my butt wont be that fat anymore
- no need to hide my body 
- smaller wrists
- “have you lost weight?”
- to be less ugly
- to stop looking like a child 
- focussing on studying
- to be happy
- to control myself
- never again being called fat
- no selfhate
- to be finally thin

[hypnophobiaflower]

I spent three weeks in a mental hospital and what I discovered there I feel like should be put into words.

we are not who you think we are.

the boy with turrets told the funniest jokes

the girl who raked her nails up and down her skin could create the most exquisite drawings

the girl who abused drugs had the wisest soul

the boy with schizophrenia had the biggest heart

the girl who tried to kill herself told the boy with insomnia stories to help lure him to sleep

the boy who wanted to kill himself had the deepest passion for cooking

the girl with slits and scars all over her body dried my tears and told me I was beautiful

the boy with anger issues gave the warmest hugs

the girl with bulimia told everyone every day that they looked beautiful in their bodies

the boy who was a compulsive liar told us that he wanted us all to get better, and that he was for once telling the truth

the girl who almost drank herself to death stood up for anyone that felt they were feeling bullied

the boy with social anxiety made sure nobody sat alone at meals

we are not who you think we are.

[hypnophobiaflower]

Dont hurt me anymore, please.. When dragging the silver across my skin, as it turns into sharp red I can not stop thinking about how stupid I am to let you do this to me, again. I loved you I still love you and you drag a fucking blade across my skin and make me bleed but just enough to make me suffer but still stuffer alive. This time was different. This time I was praying for the will, for the courage to press down on my wains, to press on the pain and finally close my eyes without the fear of waking up again. This time it was you who did it for me and there was nothing I could do to stop my ears from listening to your soft and soothing voice on repeat as my tears fall on my hand that your spirit is keeping hostage and killing me. I am dying in your arms - You said you would catch me if I would fall. You said “I love you” You said “ I promise I’ll never leave you!” - I am half dead laying in your arms waiting.. .. waiting for you to realize I need you. Save me while you still can. ”

I am very hurt. So I wrote this slam poem I am really proud of.. just I don't want to cry anymore for someone who doesn't even care for me as much as I care for them..

[hypnophobiaflower]

Don't call me Pretty.

Don’t call me pretty, because that word is just a label that helps men identify women as more of an object then they r already treated as

Don’t call me pretty, because I am much more then just a label

Don’t call me pretty, because that word drives my nerves

Don’t call me pretty, because I might actually believe you but then look into the mirror and realize you were lying

Don’t call me pretty, because I am not

Don’t call me pretty, because you are wasting your time on telling me I am something I am not when you could be telling that to every other skinny girl in this room

Don’t call me pretty, because the boy who raped me called me pretty before

Don’t call me pretty, because… I don’t know what doest it mean and I feel stupid for asking of the meaning or this word

Don’t call me pretty, because I don’t feel pretty

Pretty is such a strong word you know.. I look into the world and I can say: “yea she’s pretty.” But not while looking into the mirror.

Why?

Because I am sick of lying! I am sick of lying to everyone I am getting better!

I am sick of lying to my mom that I eat lunch!

I am sick of lying to my boyfriend that I will eat later!

I am sick of lying to myself that others see me the same way I see myself!

I am sick of actually NOT getting better!

And now - you are here. You call me pretty all the time. And I feel like you mean it. I feel like you know I really am pretty. But pretty for the bad reason.

Pretty for being skinny.

Pretty for starving myself.

Pretty for purging.

Pretty for dying.

Pretty for being dead.

I can finally see my bones in my reflection.

I can finally press my thighs together and feel nothing.

I can finally see how my body looks like a feather and weight like a butterfly.

I can finally.. dye pretty.

| hope you like my poem💕 I am really bored XD | 26.4 2017 ~ 00:20 am~ |

[hypnophobiaflower]

This is my best friend💕 we were really bored so we went to the forest with no shoes on to take some photos XD i miss her🌸✨ @hepi-soul

[hypnophobiaflower]

I was so bored after cutting so i just took a photo of dis and now it looks kinda good💕

[hypnophobiaflower]

🌸💕✨

Darling, I hope that you’ll meet someone who always knew what you deserve. From the things you wanted to feel to the words you needed to hear.

I hope you will meet someone who will not mock you—laugh at you when you started blurting out all the crazy things that touched your heart.

Someone who will not walk away from you when you started telling them about all the precious things—that runs through your mind. I hope you will meet someone who will not only promise you to stay, but also do everything just to keep you with them. I hope you will meet someone who will embrace every little piece of you.

Someone who understands your passion and supports you in loving it . And if you meet that someone, I hope that there will be mutual feelings between the two of you. That even if you are the moon and he is the sun, both of you will always remember that you always light each other’s life.

That when you get tired, he will always be there to lift you up—and the same thing as for you to him. I hope you will find someone who will make you feel all the best things you deserve to experience. Because like other people in this world, you deserve to be genuinely happy, even if you thought that you will never be.

[hypnophobiaflower]

I'm not tired! I am hurt! Don't walk away!

[hypnophobiaflower]

I love you so much.. But you make me so sad..

sorry

[hypnophobiaflower]

I keep my thoughts to myself because, no one understands them anyway

thoughts

[hypnophobiaflower]

We are madly in love with something we don't fully understand

Be safe, please

[hypnophobiaflower]

Cross my heart and hope to die, a needle in my eye, wait a minute, I spoke a lie, I never really wanted to die, but if I may and if I might, my heart is open for tonight, thought my lips are seal and my word is true, I won't break my promise to you.

I love you, Elias

[hypnophobiaflower]

“I fell in love with my imagination.”

- Unknown

[hypnophobiaflower]

drowning in my own thoughts

fuck me over.. sure

[hypnophobiaflower]

let boys be feminine

My brain