flowerg0ddess

[flowerg0ddess]

Hello again lovely people!!!

I’m trying to be more consistent and make more blog things.

Good news: My fiancé & I got a car!!

Also we’re engaged - I’m not sure if I ever made a blog about that 😅

He also got his top revision surgery done just at the end of the year last year and he is healing up so so nice. His scars look so great and the surgeon made the incisison so it’ll fade and blend with his pectoral muscles. Yay!

So the car: we’ve been trying to save for months to get a car for ourselves, but something would always happen. We got really close last year but then I lost my job. His parents actually helped us a ton with this car. They wanted to buy him a car for graduation anyway, and since we needed one now, they paid most of the car payment and we paid the last bit with our savings that we were able to build up now that I have a really good job.

Speaking of jobs: I work as a pharmacy tech now for CVS!! I’ve been thinking about being a tech forever now, long before I was ever with my fiancé. I love my job so much! The people I work with are also amazing. Life for us is really looking up lately, and it’s so nice to have more stability. I love it. I love being happy.

[flowerg0ddess]

Hi everyone!

It’s been a little while since I’ve posted anything. Life has a way of getting away from me 😅 I’m thinking about writing a book. I’ve had friends tell me for years that I should do it, so I’m starting to think maybe I should. I bought an adorable leather bound journal because I’ve always always wanted one and thought this would be the perfect thing for it.

Anyway I just wanted to stop by and say hello. I’m actually very tired and don’t have the energy to keep my eyes open long enough to write much more. I hope all is well in all of your worlds!

Goodnight and carry on ❤️

[flowerg0ddess]

So I met N’s mom yesterday and I was so nervous about it. I spent 2.5 hours getting ready. I curled my hair by myself for the first time in my life and was panicking trying to put on my falsies. She was so incredibly sweet and it melted my heart at how warm and lovely she was. She called me beautiful and insisted that I come over to their house so she could make me this Hungarian street food that I wanted to try called Lángos. She also told me I can call her Anyuci, which means mommy in Hungarian. We had such a wonderful day together, the three of us. I love her so much already and I’m so glad she likes me

[flowerg0ddess]

N & I finally moved into our new apartment! It’s our very first apartment together, and it honestly is so nice to just be the two of us. Moving was really hard and we couldn’t have done it without the help of one our very good friends and one of our new neighbors! He’s so sweet and helped us move all of our heavy furniture despite it being around midnight at the time. He also took us to the grocery store the other day because we don’t have a car and he was already going. Today we went to bring him some breakfast burritos that we had made because we were meal prepping and he brought me to work since I was headed in. I couldn’t have asked for a better neighbor. He’s so nice and I’m so grateful for him. His name is G btw. His son Michael is so cute and his girlfriend Miriam seems really sweet too. Counting all the blessings!!! Ps, I failed to mention that two weeks ago after applying for the apartment and finding out what number it would be, I found a penny heads up right at the top of the stairs to our apartment. Whatever is in control of the universe, thank you for this. It truly truly truly has been amazing, and it’s only been a few days.

[flowerg0ddess]

So N & I got extremely fucked up last night. I drank half a bottle of moscato and two hard lemonades. We also ordered a shit load of Taco Bell, which was absolutely delicious. We both passed out watching Avatar: the last air bender (which is FINALLY streaming on Netflix!) and woke up in the middle of the night around midnight and turned the TV and lights off. I also ended up ordering some McDonalds while N was passed out and had some super yum fries and things. Fast forward to this morning, I wake up and I’m still a little tipsy and had the weirdest fucking dream ever. If y’all have ever seen this movie called “68 kill” on Netflix - it was basically that movie. Go watch if you haven’t. Matthew Gray Gubler is a fucking star. ALL OF THIS IS TO SAY that when I finally went to poop this morning, my lovely boyfriend turns to me and says “make sure to use the febreze!” Like the fucking dad that he is 😂

Also, here is a hilarious picture of Edwardian beauty (circa 1900)

Can we PLEASE talk about her hair??? This came up because as my bun was falling out of my head this morning as I woke up, it fell into a similar position around my head. Picture for proof

Which then led to this hilarious meme

It says expectation: __ reality

You’re welcome. Please enjoy my stupid humor and go on about your day. Ciao!

[flowerg0ddess]

So I’ve been binging the handmaid’s tale the last couple days and I’m nearly done with the most recent season. Everything is getting so intense and I’m not ready to have to wait with everyone else for the next season. Ugh

[flowerg0ddess]

My boyfriend has been in the hospital for the last couple of days and it’s been making me so on edge. I worry constantly, not only because I can’t be there with him, but because the doctors keep changing his diagnosis/treatment plan. I just want him to be okay. I want him to come home so I can cuddle up next to him and rub his back and scratch his scalp and just love on him. My friends have been trying to comfort me, and I appreciate it so much, but nothing really helps. Before all this was happening, I was flirting with someone that wanted to hook up, but this has been so draining that I don’t even have the energy to talk to that person. People I normally would talk to/flirt with/whatever aren’t even interesting to me at all. Like I enjoy their company at times, but I don’t want to do anything. I’m too worried. I miss my boyfriend and I worry all the time. I want him to come home

[flowerg0ddess]

I’ve never been one to really get into witchy stuff, but I really need it right now. I found out recently that I’m really susceptible to spirits because I can sense them more easily. I’ve been staying at the nanny house while I’ve been recovering from bacterial pneumonia because I can actually isolate here, and last night an entity of some kind decided to mess with me and scare the poop out of me. Now I’ve got my boss’s precious doggo sleeping in my room with me for protection. Enjoy pictures of my sweet baby who loves me but hates basically everyone else. Her name is Tonks

[flowerg0ddess]

I posted a blog a while back on having an open relationship with my boyfriend. I mentioned that I wanted to explore the world of opportunities a bit, but since then my attitudes have changed. Sometimes I’ll have a moment where I’ll think, “well I wonder what ___ is like in bed,” but for the most part I really am happy with just my boyfriend. He’s amazing in every way, in and out of the bedroom. Not that I did much exploring before, but I definitely don’t think I’ll be doing much if any now. They say humans aren’t meant to be monogamous and maybe they’re right. Maybe I’m just not human

[flowerg0ddess]

Struggling a little bit currently with my living situation. Boyfriend and I share house with some friends, and I feel like they’re constantly taking advantage of our niceness. They use/take/eat our things without asking and it’s really starting to frustrate me. Especially considering said roommates make more per month than both of us combined and could very easily get whatever I have for themselves several times over. Ugh.

[flowerg0ddess]

//little sappy rant about my boyfriend

I was in a really unhealthy relationship, not that long ago. The person I was with was really toxic and had a lot of narcissistic tendencies. I spent all my time and energy pouring myself into his life, making sure HE was okay and that HE was taking care of. So much so that I let my own mental and emotional health fall to the sidelines. We were together on and off for a little over 3 years. There were tons of red flags that I refused to see because I wanted him to be the love of my life. Long story short, he broke it off with me almost a year after we had been engaged. He claimed to not love me anymore and I was finally done pretending be okay with his indecisiveness. After a few months, I moved out of his place and into a place with a friend of mine & her fiancé. I started my relationship with my current boyfriend around that time.

People warned me to be wary of our relationship being a rebound for me, but with a little over half a year under our belt, I think it’s pretty safe to say that that’s not the case. I didn’t think it was. I’ve known the person I’m with now for years, and we even previously dated (that’s a long & complicated story). But my point to all this, is that my current relationship is just so much healthier than the one I was in. I spent 3 years telling myself that my own emotions weren’t important as HIS and putting HIS self-worth above my own. I spent 3 years letting myself be emotionally & verbally abused. I spent 3 years trying to pretend that I wasn’t being manipulated into doing everything HE wanted me to do.

And now that I’m away from all that? It’s the best fucking feeling in the world.

My current boyfriend lets me make my own decisions, without putting pressure or his own expectations on me. He offers advice and reassurance but only when I ask for it. He encourages me to grow in the ways that he sees that I could. He never criticizes me or tells me to do things HIS way. He makes sure that my own mental, emotional, & physical health are ALWAYS taken care of. He never compromises my or his own health to provide for the other person. He gives just as much if not more than he takes. But most of all-

He. Loves. Me.

I didn’t know what a healthy relationship was like before. I didn’t exactly have good examples growing up, but I know what it’s supposed to be like now. And I’ll be damned if I let anyone or anything take it away from me.

[flowerg0ddess]

Me: *gets excited because someone liked my post*

*clicks on the profile to see who it was*

*discovers that it was a gross tumblr bott*

My goal isn’t to be a famous tumblr person or anything like that. I keep a blog mostly for myself, but it WOULD be cool if other people knew about it and found it entertaining or helpful or something. I dunno. Maybe that’s too hopeful of me. Oh well.

In other news, if all goes according to plan, boyfriend and I will be getting our own apartment, just the two of us in the very near future. Hopefully all this crazy COVID-19 madness will die down and life can resume. Fingers crossed.

[flowerg0ddess]

I put fake nails on at home today for the first time.

I’ve had really poor quality fake nails that came off the same day I put them on before, but never ones that actually stay really well. I really like how these came out, and the color is great!

My boyfriend really likes them too. He’s never felt fake-nail scratches before, so I gave his scalp a nice little scratch. He melted.

Having them on makes me feel so empowered which is kind of hilarious.

I also had my roommate pierce my ears at home today.

I’ve wanted second holes for a while after I finished gauging my ears, but I just never got around to it. The mom of the family I’m working for right now, also one of my great friends, got me these earrings and I figured now was the time to go ahead and have them pierced. I’m so in love with them!!! It hurt a bit piercing them at home since we couldn’t numb them and we had to shove a sewing needle through my ear before we could even put the earring in, but I don’t regret my decision at all.

On a different note, I feel kinda weird posting pictures of myself because I wanna be pretty annon but it’s not like anyway is reading my blog anyway.

Toodles

[flowerg0ddess]

I’ve really been struggling with some stuff lately.

All my life I’ve had self image problems. People tell me I have “body dysmorphia” which means my brain exaggerates what I’m seeing. Even thought I’ve always struggled with loving my body, I don’t feel like it was ever as bad as it is now. Lately anytime I look in the mirror I feel like a whale. Growing up I was always the fat kid that got bullied or whatever and looking back I wasn’t even that big of a kid. I know I always felt ugly, but it was more of a passive “why aren’t I as skinny it pretty as other girls?” kind of thing. Ever since I dated my ex, I feel like my view of my self has gotten so much worse. I developed eating disorders while we were together because I felt pressured to be thinner and “healthier” because fitness was important to him, and he all but outright called me fat. Even though we aren’t together, I feel like my self confidence is completely shattered, which is ironic because he was also the person who made me confident enough to buy my very first pair of actual shorts, not basketball shorts. I’ve been thinking a lot about cosmetic surgery lately, and I’ve never ever given any of that a thought before. It’s never been something I saw for myself. If I had the money to, I think I would have already gotten a lot of procedures done. I just have such an intense hatred of who I am. I try so hard to see what other people see, but I just can’t. To me, I just look like a big flabby monster.

[flowerg0ddess]

So, I nanny for a living currently, but my boss is the best, possibly because she’s also my friend. She has some debilitating health conditions that make her temporary paralyzed, so I live in the house for half the week and help with kids and minor housework.

Today has been a bit of a trying day. Every other week the cleaning ladies come, which happened today, so I have to make sure all the kids are out of the house so they can clean top to bottom without any issues. Normally I only have the two littles (age 2.5 and 10 months), but one of the older kids (~5) was missing pre-school because he had a doctor’s appointment with his younger brother. Trying to rangle 3 children and get them out the door on your own is hard enough, add to that the fact that one of them is 2.5 and doesn’t want to listen to you 80% of the time and the other one you have to practically carry with you everywhere because they are 10 months old. And then of course the family dog decided to make two poop mountains in the front room right before I can get everyone together and out the door.

We finally made it out the door and everything just as the cleaning ladies arrived. We get to the doctor’s appointment and then have lunch and everything is okay. 2.5 y/old is not listening, as usual, and wants to do whatever. Finally listens. We go home. Time for naps for the littles. Peace and quiet. Finally.

AND THEN

The worst child ever gets dropped off at my house. She is awful simply because she

Is 3 and is still well into her terrible twos

Is not one of the children under my “jurisdiction” therefore she finds no reason to listen to me and I can do nothing about this

Needless to say all hell breaks loose and everyone is screaming, while the baby is still asleep, thus taking away from my one and only time throughout the day to relax before bedtime. Terrible child FINALLY leaves, but only after her mother comes and starts screaming across the house for her and then waking up the baby.

Great.

And then begins my sensory overload. Which I can do nothing for because I have to continue caring for these kids.

Waiting for the day to end so I can go home and be away from all of the things until next week

[flowerg0ddess]

Today, I bought a new bed.

It’s the second thing in my life that I’ve ever financed, and it makes me feel so grown up.

My boyfriend officially is moving in with me and we really needed to get a bed that’s bigger than a twin, so I finally got it today since my tax return money came in.

While I was out getting my new bed, I stumbled upon a a “FOR HIRE” sign of a business I used to work for, and the starting pay for experienced people isn’t bad either. Commute would be easy even without a car and it’s a place I’m already familiar with. Maybe this is finally it.

Life has been such a rollercoaster lately, but it’s been good. I think everything is finally starting to come together. I couldn’t be any happier than I am now, despite my stress.

For the first time in my life, I want to live. I really, really want to live.

[flowerg0ddess]

It’s been a bit since I’ve written a blog. So much has been happening and I was so stresssed out.

Not much has changed in order for me to be less stressed, but I wanted to take a moment and appreciate everything I have.

It’s awfully late (or early depending on how you look at it) and I’m laying in bed binging The Handmaid’s Tale, something my lovely boyfriend suggested I start watching because he loves it a lot. And as I lay here, with him snoring loudly in my ear and his shirtless chest pushed up against me, him sweating slightly from the combined body heat and heater running to stave off the chill from outside, I can’t help but smile and laugh a little bit to myself.

Yes, I’m currently in between jobs and struggling with family relationships while simultaneously trying to get everything in order to start school back up again in the fall and combat the inescapable waves of depression that come from having a boyfriend whose family does not accept him and thus will never accept us, but I have a boyfriend who loves me. A support system, albeit small, that will be here for me and do what they can to make sure I’m alright. A place to call home that I don’t hate being at or dread coming home to. Understanding roommates who care for me and support me. I eat regularly. Not everything is bad. A lot of things are good.

I love my boyfriend. Just seeing his face next to mine is so calming. I don’t know how I got to be so lucky, but I’ll take this opportunity and run like the wind. Whatever runs the universe, thank you.