fixingmysociallife

[fixingmysociallife]

Letting go of emotional pain

G'Day Depressos,

back again and with a serious burner this time. I know I tend to ramble quite a lot anyway and this time, my story is a long one. The life lesson at the end is worth it tho, promise.

Last April was my last day of highschool and I was in bliss for about three weeks. Being out of hell finally gave me time to sleep, de-stress, plan a few nice projects and just calm myself down. However, I didn't realise what kind of risks this time in my life would bring. Today I know that I am hugely dependent on clear routines, tasks to work on and emotional support by my friends. Last year, all that stuff wasn't quite clear yet.

So naturally, my mental health slowly began to decline without me figuring out why. I became an unmotivated insomniac with rising anxiety levels and when I tried to lean into my support system...it collapsed right under my sorry ass. In this story I will especially focus on one particular friend. She and I got very close in 11th grade and from that point on, I had given her everything she could ever needed. I gave motivational speeches, hugs, carried emergency chocolate, ordered a pizza into school and went for late visits to watch a comfort movie together. She was not really stable and I was, so I didn't mind pouring some love into her, knowing that she would return it if needed.

Well.

I called her multiple times, crying and hyperventilating (surely over some bullshit that triggered my anxiety, but still) and got immediatly cut off because she was busy, usually with her boyfriend. She also never texted me afterwards or even replied in unter two days and I did not see her alone for two months. To me, it sounded like now that I required some attention and support from her, I was no longer useful or worthy of interaction. So I stopped contacting her.

My overall condition was getting worse and worse and I desperately tried to gain new friendships fast, going out with someone every other night to hang. Didn't help. By the start of summer, I was deep in a depressive phase, a new experience for me. This caused me to be all over the place, miss my friends' birthday and frankly not having energy left to deal with just myself, rather than other people.

And I didn't choose to communicate any of it to her, continued to be a bad friend without given reason and was mad about it. A few times we had a little contact, minor discomforts or arguments, but nothing serious from my perspective. I invited her to my 18th Birthday, she ghosted me for five days and then rspv'd no. Suddenly, it was the end of September. She was scheduled to leave for an exchange in middle of the month. Without a word, she was gone. And I had no idea why.

Damn, I was mad and hurt. I decided to let myself grieve, bring distance between me and the situation and get my life back together first. Maybe that was wrong, maybe that was my last chance to have a talk. Idk. Anyway, college started, I slowly got back on track and am happy and healthy now (more or less, see the entire content of my tumblr blog). She got back, I waited two weeks and then asked to meet up and talk, telling her that I didn't really know why we drifted apart. She declined with the reason that she clearly communicated her feelings and that a talk most likely wouldn't change anything.

???

Of course, I was a little perplex. It didn't sound like her to not let someone speak for themselves and completely disregard the changes a person normally goes trough in half a year and more. It was rude. It was unfair. It was wrong. But you know what? It wasn't my decision to make. Also, I had wanted an open discussion about both our faults, reasons and circumstances. Whilst she had washed herself clear of all guilt in her reply text, basically informing me that the conversation that I imagined couldn't have happened anyway. I was in a bad mood for an evening, laid off homework to watch Newsies (1992) and Legally Blonde, cried a little and got to sleep. And the next morning, I was over it.

Because I realized that, when someone doesn't want closure or help, investing energy simply isn't worth it. The memories of my friend and I together are bittersweet now, but it couldn't have that back anyway. She changed in a way that I dislike and I probably did too.

Recycling is great, but sometimes, broken things cannot be repaired and that's okay.

See you around with the next of my social adventures,

Byee!

Let's be real no one will read this monstrosity of a post.

Oh well

[fixingmysociallife]

The art of casual apologies

G'Day Depressos,

I'm back with another life lesson/tutorial/next step in my project to become a socially functioning adult. heyyyyy

A week ago, my college publicized its voluntary classes and activities for the coming spring break. Which made me super excited, because I missed it at the start of the semester and all the cool stuff was already gone once I caught up :(

However, since I am a small anxious bean, I didn't want to take one completely on my own and asked my college friends immediatly if they wanted to join me. Particularly, I was interested in a four hour K-Pop dance workshop. We went to see Blackpink together in December and also do regular sing and dance breaks when studying, so it was a perfect fit! When announced, the reaction to my proposal was a little lukewarm though...

Nobody said outright no, but not yes either, causing me to get a little more persistent to get an answer in time before the class was full. Very...persistent. I have a tendency to complain and whine quite a lot anyway and given my lack of sleep, PMS and horrible weather that day I was in full form. I tugged at one of my friend's sleeve until he finally snapped at me to knock it off already and that he needs to think about it. I stopped.

And of couse I laid awake that night thinking that I was a horrible annoying friend, that I lost my chances of them doing an extracurricular with me ever again and that my true colors will probably cause them to distance themselves slowly from me.

Yeah. Don't we all love the nighttime madness?

At 3 AM, I finally gave in, rolled over, and grabbed my phone. I am notorious for doing middle-of-the-night apologies, but usually for actual fights and big missteps. I never dared to really do it for something so...unimportant I guess? Not wanting to bother others with my overthinking and stuff. But since I've been working to be more open and vulnerable, I figured this had to be a part too.

Opening WhatsApp, going on the chat, type, delete, type again, pause, rephrase, send. Two sentences only took twenty minutes! In the end, I effectively wrote

"Hey, I was pretty excited about the dance class yesterday and got a little too annoying because of it. Was generally off that day. Sorry :("

It still took a while to fall asleep afterwards, but I managed and the next morning I woke up to a very sweet answer. He was telling me that yes, I was an annoying little shit, but he is one too so now were even, no worries.

An easy, quick, direct communication that soothed my anxiety and probably made me more likeable (maybe, I don't really kow haha).

If you ever feel guilty about something, no matter how little or fleeting, an apology may work wonders. It doesn't have to be a grand gesture to turn a bad memory into a positive one for both sides. And in my experience, it can also make you kinder towards yourself too. I definetly will try to keep this habit!

See you on my next (and a lot more serious) post about myself and my social struggles!

Byee! (Also, my friend did end up agreeing to do the class. Yay!)

[fixingmysociallife]

Showing gratefulness as a christmas present: Big letters

G'Day Depressos!

This year, I decided to do something out of the ordinary for christmas. I wanted to tell everyone in my life how they have helped me this year and how grateful I am for their existence. (Well, not everyone, but the most important ones.) For that, I bought fancy thick writing paper, nice envelopes and a wax sealing kit. Then I made a list of all my friends and wrote down some notes for everyone, specific moments, conversations, activities and such. Sometimes I was surprised how much I could remember for people I'm not even that close with, one of those letters even ended up being the longest and most heartfelt one. I want to add that I deeply struggled with my mental health this summer, which was fueled by graduating high school and therefore losing security and routine. A lot of the moments consisted of me being comforted whilst crying :´) Then I wrote a complete draft of every text, corrected spelling and grammar and got to work on the real ones. Using my favourite un-erasable green ink after such a long time was fun, but also frustrating at times. Doing wax seals on the other hand is so damn cool, everyone should do it at least once. After sending the letters off I got a little anxiety attack, worrying wether my notes would seem creepy or obsessive for some of my friends, but thankfully, the reaction was completely different. The guy with the longest letter wrote me a extremely long text message back, acknowledging every point I had made and basically telling me to raise my standards for other peoples behaiviour if I'm so grateful for his lol. Another one told me that I had made him more happy than he had been in a long time due to personal struggles and an identity crisis this year. And everyone else was equally sweet and loving and I was so happy that I had finally expressed all my feelings to them. I have problems keeping relationships going via social media (texting regularly with other people and stuff) and when we hang out in groups, really deep conversations are kind of rare. On top of that, I can come across as more distant when I'm tired or overwhelmed. Due to all those reasons, people can find me hard to read even though I am generally an open and very emotional person. If you have similar problems with communication, writing letters can actually help address multiple problems at once. You can show your love by customizing it, have a lot of time and space to include everything that you want to express and once they're send, you have a few days to calm down until you get responses. Letters are my favourite medium of communication already! My blog in general is dedicated to develop my social life and mental health. If you are interested, feel free to explore that topic with me! Until next time, Byee

[fixingmysociallife]

Nuking Family Christmas by growing a backbone

G'Day Depressos,

my holiday break is now officially over and I can say: Shit hit. the. fan. this year. Me, my sister and two of my cousins united to finally speak up about a topic that has made us uncomfortable for years: My uncle. My uncle by marriage. My uncle by marriage who got broken up with by my aunt two years ago but still shows up to all family functions. My uncle by marriage who got broken up with by my aunt two years ago but still shows up to all family functions and who got a criminal record for scamming family friends for a lot of money and tax evasion.

Deeeep inhale. My uncle by marriage who got broken up with by my aunt two years ago but still shows up to all family functions and who got a criminal record for scamming family friends for a lot of money and tax evasion and who inappropriatly touched my sister when she was 15 like a fucking disgusting child-molesting creep-douchebag (she refuses to tell anyone but me and mom tho).

And everyone is apparently okay with that. Well, this christmas my aunt had planned to come alone, without her ex (who she still spends one dinner a week and every family vacation with), their two demonic children and equally horribly-behaved dog, but last minute, my grandparents asked her to bring them. And then, we decided that we wouldn't attend and informed my grandma. Hell broke loose. Christmas was completely cancelled, then reinstalled, then canacelled again. We got so many angry calls from people threatening and gaslighting us into backing down, accepting our place, pulling through for da fääämily. That we should think about their children (who's lack of education and untreated mental health problems are primarily their father's fault imo) My sister was constantly on the verge of giving in, but I'm proud to say that I supported her in standing her ground. In the end, grabby uncle and his clan decided not to come and it was the best family christmas celebration ever. My grandma was super frosty towards us, but that was nothing new for us since we're the girls, my cousins were a litte heartbroken though (sexist family dynamics and stuff). It was also relaxed for once bc a huge part of the family was vacation anyway, our very own ati-vaxxers for example.My family is so conflict-avoidant that nothing ever gets communicated, spoken through and decided. I'm glad that we could use the swing of the most important holiday to actually move some things. What I want to say: If you have problems in your social sphere that people refuse to address, don't be scared to go all out and risk huge fights. Encanto should have taught all of us that sometimes things need to be broken down before being build up more healthily again. You don't need to "just push through" for family, friends, coworker or anyone. Fuck all of them, who put peace and quiet above your feelings. I feel this Christmas was a huge step in the project this blog is dedicated to, because all my life I have hated my families guts. Allowing myself to inspire change for my own sake felt very empowering. I also have another, more positive Christmas story to tell, but that will get its own post. See you there, byee!

[fixingmysociallife]

Breaking my routine with techno table tennis

G'Day Depressos!

For my whole life, I've been struggling to be more spontaneious and easy-going (with mediocre success). 12 years of school and extra-curricular activities gave me little time to experiment , since me and all of my friends were equally busy and could only have planned meetings.

But now, in college, my life changed drastically. I'm at home 5 days a week, have only one permanent evening activity and lot's of free time. It was hard at first, but then my social life gained a little momentum and I tried a meriod of new things, a few of which you can read about on this blog. I felt like I was improving so fast and was so proud of myself! But a few days ago, I realized that I was just tricking myself. Truthfully, I never had a problem giving away time that wasn't already preoccupied with something else. I'd go out alot on Wednesdays und Saturdays, because I didn't do anything special these days anyway. But then, a few friends asked me to come along to an interesting club on a Tuesday-the day I have regularly my Aikido class. And damn, I was so conflicted. Dancing to techno whilst simultainously playing table tennis sounded interesting, even though neither was something I was exceptionally excited about. But in the end, I chanelled the spirit of my tumblr blog and when along-to my dismay, in the end.

It started with me having PMS and being grumpy and tired that peculiar day. I went to uni, studied and laughed, but was feeling uncomfortable inside. If I hadn't promised to go the week before, I surely would have declined now. We arrived still quite early, brought our jackets and bags to the coat check and went inside. Damn, that was horrible air. It smelled like smoke, drinks and a lot of humans and I could already see my headache waving from afar. But nevermind, I tried to keep an open mind and positioned myself around the big table tennis table along with everyone else. We played the game where everyone walks around it and if you can't get the ball on your turn, you're out. Well, I always lost on my first try, which I was not surprised about. My hand-eye coordination is horrible and it gets worse when I feel like I'm being watched. And, of couse, I was being watched. Nobody really cared that I was out, but in that moment it was kinda humiliating for me. I also kept thinking about Aikido and what a great practice I could have missed. My friends insisted on playing more rounds instead of starting to dance and I grew more and more uncomfortable.

And then, about an hour in, all my negative feelings climaxed into a panic attack. I was crying, shaking and hyperventilating and thankfully, my bro immediatly noticed and pulled me outside. Everyone was really understanding, which made me feel better, but I was still emberassed. They were also a little mad that I didn't tell them what was up with me beforehand, but of couse, I didn't want to taint their expierience.

Afterwards, the evening got better because I swapped playing for dancing and coincidentally met an old friend I hadn't seen for years. We ended up leaving before midnight, the day after we had a math lecture after all.

I learned from this expierience that I still have to work on letting go of a fixed routine, being bad at something in front of others and putting my own feelings first. My friends' reaction gave me a little more confidence already tough.

I'm sorry that I didn't post for so long, but I had two big exams coming up and was mostly at home studying. But I have something planned for christmas that I would like to share here and I'm also going to a BlackPink concert on Monday, maybe somthing interesting will happen.

Anyways, see you next time,

Byee!

[fixingmysociallife]

Allowing myself a break from socializing in order to become more social

G'Day Depressos!

Today I'd like to talk about a recent realization about my project and it's negative effects. Pushing myself constantly to be braver, accepting all invitations and trying something new whenever possible has definetly helped with my social anxiety and overthinking, but lately, it has gotten worse again. I've been out partying three weekends in a row, have gone to aikido practice religiously, showed up to several extra college meetings, met my sister for lunch and my friends for dinner, went shopping with my mom and had a movie night with another friend. On top of that, I did my best to keep up with college work since my first exam is in two weeks time. I'm exhausted and overwhelmed, and it's worsening my social performance once again. Being out with my friends, I was nervous, uncomfortable and untalkative. Everything I said felt somehow wrong. Our topic of conversation was one I didn't like, I was overly sensitive to some comments made about me and had a hard time falling asleep afterwards. The best thing about the whole ordeal was the food, sadly. I recognize that I need to cut myself off from everything for a week or so to reset, binge watch a series, sew a new dress or so, and get myself back on track. However, I'm afraid of missing a chance to spontaniously connect with someone, something I still deeply struggle with. Also that plan is not feasible anyway, as college socialization is non-negotiable and not seeing my friends until the new year would be sad too. We are all extremely busy during christmas time. It seems like I have no choice but too keep going until January. Bad for me, but at least I'll have more content to post here, outlining how I'm fixingmysociallife (the premise of this blog, if that's not entirely clear yet). Until next time, byee!

[fixingmysociallife]

Gift Giving: A thankless love language

G'Day Depressos,

since I have been on an 18th-birthday-party-spree lately, I wanted to explore my feelings about giving presents and why it always leaves me sad and/or frustrated.

First of all, the love language theory puts people into five categories:

1. Physical Touch 2. Words of Affirmation 3. Quality Time 4. Gift Giving 5. Acts of Service

It's supposed to describe how you show love to others and what you generally expect from a loved one in return. I, as stated above, am a gift giver. I love to spend hours and hours coming up with an idea, selecting materials and carefully crafting things perfectly suitable to whoever the occasion will be dedicated to. It's always very exciting for me to arrive at the party and hand over my gift, hoping for their approval and that they understand how much love I poured into it. And time and time again, the person opens it, smiles, says "Very nice!" and then goes back to whatever they were doing. I know that's normal behaviour, but it breaks my heart every time. Part of my project to fix my social life (this very blog) is to be more open with others and also coming to terms with unpleasant feelings. I used a birthday last Saturday as an opportunity to grow and learn. My present was a denim jacked that I bleached all the things that I loved about or reminded me of my friend into. When the time for presents came, mine was first, and she eagerly began to read through all the things featured on the jacket, but was quickly stopped by another friend. Someone who is also a gift giver and was equally excited to present her work. I was a little miffed, but decided to step aside and let the other girl have her moment. I accepted my disappointment and recognized that my feelings were not the most important thing in that moment. A few days later, I went to see the birthday girl and casually brought up my gift, which immediatly had her gushing. She even showed my all the chats with her relatives who she sent a pic wearing it. Afterwards, I felt a lot happier and more appreciated. This situation kinda taught me that 1. I am not the only one who put a lot of effort in and need to share the spotlight 2. birthday parties are often stressful and the host is already overwhelmed by the amount of gifts and/or doesn't have enough time to thouroughly investigate every single one Even though I can't really relate to Nr.2 (I always put a lot of time into appreciating my gifts because they're so important to me), I can try to keep that in mind in the future. To be satisfied with the reaction to my gift, I need to wait until a suitable moment to ask about it. I just hope that my friends and family will someday try to give me heartfelt gifts too, it's always so focused on being materialistic. I don't want to sound ungrateful, but all I want is literally a picture drawn or a little sculpture mushed together with some love, not an Amazon gift card ._.

Anyway, that was my take for today. If you'd like to read more about my journey becoming more socially stable and happy, please check out my other posts.

Until next time, byee!

[fixingmysociallife]

Ending a frienship pt. 2, help ._.

G'Day Depressos,

here comes the second part of my desperate attempt to cut ties with a toxic former friend! Picking up where we left off, after my quick exit from the party to excape an uncomfortable conversation about our relationship, going home. I want to bang my head against a wall for not clearly stating "I don't want to talk or be associated with you anymore, leave me alone." Instead, I now have to wait until (or if) he texts me, because there ain't no way in hell I'm initiating that mess. One day passes, the second one too and on the third evening, I finally feel safe. He seems to have gotten the memo, thank god. Ha. 10 PM, my phone buzzes. "Hii, can we talk? Like on the phone?" Oh no. I calm myself down and eventually decide to go for it, since is has to happen sometime anyway. And what is this whole project (aka my entire blog) for if not to force me? Quickly, I scrabble some notes down about what I'd like to say to him. Then, I reply. We talk for about half an hour and...my blood is boiling. The blatant guilt-tripping, victim-playing and manipulation in this convo was astounding, and of course, he dismissed every single word that I said. And the worst, I left it open again. Told him I would think about hanging out with him again, because I know my other friend would be devastated if I went completely NC. Maybe I can tolerate him in a bigger group, seems like there is no way around trying. The whole drama around him followed me this summer like a dark cloud and I'm so frustrated that I'm caught up in it again. It's so much that I don't even know how I could incorporate this mess into my blog in my usual, nonchalant format, but letting it out seems wrong too. This is so unstructured, if anyone made it until the very end: My blog is usually easier to read and more comprehenable, checkit out nevertheless please :I Until next time with a hopefully more postive story, byee!

[fixingmysociallife]

Ending a friendship: The uncomfy aftermath

G'Day Depressos!

Today's topic is how to deal with a past friend when meeting them out and about without causing drama. I will describe my expierience as that exact thing happened to me yesterday and could turn into a serious...umm, situation.

The story: On Saturday, I went to the birthday party of a friend who also invited a guy I was previously very close with. However, I've been distancing myself from him since May due to his generally toxic and egocentrical behaviour. During the second lockdown, I was quite lonely and isolated and he was the only one who would talk to me. Therefore, I was so grateful that I overlooked all his flaws for way too long. I'd hoped that I could ignore/avoid him the whole evening and pretty much succeeded, but one moment brought me into hot water: Two people who were quarreling with each other made up. And that apparently gave him a strong urge to do the same with me. We were all standing outside getting some fresh air and I asked the others multiple times to go back because I was super cold already. After a while, he said something about going back in too, but added "Everyone except (my name)". I thought that was just a dumb joke because I was literally shivering, so I laughed kinda awkwardly, flipped him off and ran back inside. Well, I was informed shortly after that he actually wanted to talk with me outside alone, which led me to the question: Do I actually want to talk and/or make up? Frankly, the answer was no and I proceeded to prentend I didn't know his intentions. When I finally grabbed my jacket and was on my way to leave, he stepped in my way and passive-aggressively asked if he was allowed to text me or if I didn't want that either. I just gave him a blank face and continued my I-have-no-idea-what-you're-talking-about-act and if he has something to say just text me, before quickly shoveling my way through the door. Now I am anxious about having to communicate with him again after thinking I was finally free of that sucker. My mistake When he approached me, I was not bold enough to just say "No, I don't want to talk things through with you. Goodbye." I weaseled my way into an unstable situation again and am very unhappy about it. What I did good though Not giving into my curiosity about what he had to say and just continuing my evening as normal. If we had that conversation during the party it could have turned seriously ugly, because I do not plan to bend to his will anymore. And he gets very angry when people do that, in true toxic manner. It was honestly a blessing that I didn't understand his request the first time. Will have to be honest when he contacts me via text tho. In the end, I really didn't do well with this. I have to work on not panicking in uncomforable social situations and standing up for myself. I lowkey hope that he finally got the note and will leave me alone, but if not, I will see it as practice. I will update you on how things will proceed, until then, stay tuned! Byee!

[fixingmysociallife]

Having uncomfortable conversations with friends

G'Day Depressos!

Today I would like to talk about my effort to communicate more effectively. A few days ago, I wrote down all problems and concerns I had regarding specific people in my life. My goal was to sit down with every one of them and discuss these feelings, even though that's incredibly uncomfortable to even think about. Well, this project (fixingmysociallife, aka this whole blog) is not for the weak and so I scheduled my first meeting right away. I chose my closest friend because I was the least nervous about her reaction and needed to get some practice in. My problem with her was that she never asks to meet up, it's always me. She is generally a lot busier than me so I don't really mind, but it sometimes leaves me feeling like I'm not valued. Also, it makes me feel guilty when I call her to vent or something, because I can rarely return that favor. I don't want to be a burden. In my text, I included that I wanted to talk about something important to make sure I don't back out in person. When we finally sat down in my bedroom and I laid down my points it was obvious that she understood my feelings, but was also a little dismissive. Her personality is more reserved than average and I know that she's a quite insecure about that, so I'm guessing it was a defense strategy. In the end, I proposed that we choose a fixed day that we meet up on every week, but can also occasionally skip if we are tired or too busy. She said it was fine by her and that we could try this model. I'm happy that I finally spoke up, but am unsure that the future will work as planned. I hope she will remember our day the next few weeks. This was the easiest problem to resolve and I'm not sure that the next convo will go so smoothly. Until then, I have a more pressing social issue to deal with about which I will write shortly. Stay tuned and bye byee!

[fixingmysociallife]

Going clubbing as a social anxious introvert

G‘Day Depressos! As promised, here is my expierience going to the club for the first time in order to fixmysociallife. First of all, it was very different than going barhopping. Secondly, it was great! Mostly. This is what I thought. Negative Aspects

1. The rest was quite late again. Not as bad as at the bar, but I really have to learn how to be fashionably late. 2. When everyone was there, we had to choose between two clubs, disco and techno. I said I wanted disco and people were okay with it, but seemed disappointed once we were inside. It was relatively empty and the audience was mostly over thirty. We had fun, but I felt guilty regardless for making the wrong choice. 3. The music was good, but the noise overstimulated me at times. I spent some time longinly looking at my watch. 4. At half past three, my timer run out and had to more or less rush the others out. Thank god they were almost done too, but I caused a pretty abrupt ending to the night.

Positive Aspects 1. Since everyone else was a few years older than me, they had expierience going out and I could just tag along which gave me a sense of safety. 2. I absolutely love to dance and the empty gay club made me feel more comfortable. At some point in the night, I might have had a pretty great ho moment feeling myself to Britney Spears‘ „Toxic“ ;)

3. A also met a few new people and hanging out was much easier than usual. Dancing together felt a lot less awkward than desperatly trying to have a conversation in the middle of a loud classroom.

4. At the end, we made plans to go out again soon. I think I now have a foot in the door and can expect to have to struggle less to get invited places.

5. An unexpected perk was driving home alone. I used public transportation and seeing all the people going home too made me less afraid to be out at night. I am obviusly not alone.

Even though I didn‘t enjoy myself the whole time, I still had fun and am glad I went with it. I don‘t think it is beneficial for everyone with social problems though. But what can I say, I‘ve been a dacing queen my whole life, 17 or not

See you guys soon, byee!

[fixingmysociallife]

Trying something new: The nightmare that is barhopping

G'Day Depressos!

Yesterday I had the opportunity to take a big leap in my project to fix my social life. My college organized a bar hopping event for my major, something that I usually would have passed on immediatly. (I don't drink alcohol, so I previously wouldn't have seen a point.) However, this time I saw as a chance to talk to people in my major I haven't met yet. (Spoiler alert: That didn't happen, I'm still afraid of strangers after all) I was too anxious to go all by myself, so I whipped up my friendship level sheet (more info on my previous post about that) and texted everyone I had marked as a desired friendship. I took some courage, but everyone was really happy and supportive of my idea! That was sadly pretty much the only positive aspect of the whole expierience... Here is what was good and what was bad about the night.

Negative Aspects

1. My entire group exept me was late to very late. So my efforts to not be alone going in were in vain. 2. There were about 40 people from our campus there which was very overwhelming for me. Everybody had to shout in order to have a conversation and I ended up in a corner being quiet and fighting sensory overload. 3. Later, when we were moving to the next bar, I kept going back and forth between everyone, loosely walking around because my insecureties hit me hard and I didn't want to burden anyone with my existence there. I felt like I didn't belong anywhere and no extrovert adoped me for the night. :( 4. The second bar allowed smokers, a smell that I absolutely can't stand. Lukily I was able to stand as far away from them as possible, but me and my clothes reeked. I also got quite the headache and a little naseus from it. Positive Aspects 1. Nevertheless, I managed to have three good conversations during my stay as well. Telling a new guy about the cultural legacy of my city and getting invited to meet a knitting drag queen were some pretty good times. 2. On top of that, i finally found out why everyone was connecting so much quicker with each other than me. I live far away from the campus, but others seem to meet up there regularily. I might have to endure the commute time more often, it seems to be worth it. 3. Part of my group made plans to go clubbing on the weekend. I am still unsure since I've never went and am exhausted from today, but I do love to dance so I'll probably go for it.

In the end, the evening felt more like a set back than a step forward for my cause. If I knew what it would be like, I would've stayed home. I would suggest that If you want to go barhopping as a non-social person, make sure to go only with a small group of people and check all of the places you'll visit beforhand (f.e. if smoking is allowed). But oh well, I am wiser now and have plans to go to the club, that's something! Of couse, I will update on how that went down. Until next time, byee!

[fixingmysociallife]

Starting Aikido to overcome my social fears

G'Day Depressos,

I am excited to announce that I have taken my first real-life action for my fixingmysociallife-project! Personally, I despise most athletic activites which led me to being a couch potato during the last few years. But since it's now time for me to finally push myself, I spontaneosly signed up for a beginners Aikido class aimed at college students. This is a huuuge deal for me, because I usually wouldn't do anything without ten hours of research, but this time I just...did it! And after only one time attending I can already feel a positive impact on my life. In this post, I will outline why this class is an important part of my socialization journey. 1. Overcoming my over-controlling self As I've stated above, I am in my head a lot and terrified of making wrong decisions. Therefore, joining on a whim was so much more like to person I'd like to become rather than my current self, it really makes me happy. 2. Socializing with new people Of course, I am not taking the class alone. Seeing and interacting with new people is one of my fears and I want to grow comfortable with it. When I arrived at the dojo, I felt really insecure and stupid at first, but it got better fast. It's hard to overthink your social performance when you're busy slamming another person to the ground and vice versa. Additionally, I now have another topic to talk about with others. A lot of my peers have been interested in hearing about Aikido so far! 3. Gaining self-confidence

Aikido is a Japanese form of martial arts that is focused on self-defense. It's non-competitive and everybody is able to learn the basics, regardless of gender, bodytype and fitness level. Due to that, I was able to get satisfying results quite quickly. Also, walking to the bus stop alone afterwards felt safer already, because I now had at least an idea of what I could do in the case of an attack. Of couse I realistically can't do shit yet, but I was riding the high of my successful class lol.

My takeaway

If you have problems with social activites and self-motivation too, taking a self-defense/martial arts class is really something to consider. Some are even sponsored for students or women in particular. I'm really looking forward to next time and now, three days later, my muscles are finally not completely sore anymore. Yay for that! If you'd like to see more of my steps towards becoming a functioning human being, just browse my other posts and stay tuned for what's to come. Bye!

[fixingmysociallife]

Evaluating my friendships: The six stages system

G'Day Depressos,

today, I'm taking my first real step towards fixing my social life by checking out my current situation. For that I'm using the Six Stages of Relationships, a system that I found online.

Said stages are:

1. Acquaintance 2. Good Acquaintance 3. Potential Friendship 4. Developing Friendship 5. Friendship 6. Close Friendship

Step 1

I started by writing down everyone my age that I knew on a platonic level. That included people from school that I still keep contact with, new fellow students at college, neighbours and some folks from my past extracurricular activites.

Step 2

Then I began sorting them into the different categories. Unsurprisingly, most ended up in (good) acquaintance territory. Also, i ran into some difficulties because three people didn't really fit anywhere. I put them into potential friendship, as i didn't quite understand that level anyway. In the end I discovered that I had one developing friendship, three friends and one close friend. But I know that all of these still need some work and improvement.

Step 3

Lastly, I highlighted everyone with whom I'd like to have a closer relationship. Deciding where to put extra energy and effort really helped me with feeling less overhelmed with my task. And now I'm able to form distinct plans suitable for the people I want in my life, in order to make them feel more comfortable around me.

Conclusion

I would definetly recommend this process to everyone unsure of their social standing. It really puts things into perspective and gives a useful guide for future actions. Sure, it has it's flaws, but the pros outweigh the cons for me. Not a waste of time.

This was the first step of my journey. I already have a few major changes in my life lined up, so stay tuned for the next few days!

[fixingmysociallife]

Project to fix my social life

G'Day my depressos!

Two days ago, I finally realized that my social abilites are abysmal and that I need to change.

I want to learn how to establish meaningful and long-lasting relationships with other people without compromising my mental health.

This blog is supposed to force me to go through with the uncomfortable conversations and axiety-inducing social situations necessary to achieve my goals and maybe, maybe someone is going to feel inspired and walk this path with me.

About me:

I am an 18 year old freshman in college, born and raised in Germany. Throughout my life I had a number of friendships and one relationship, but nothing ever lasted longer than three years. I have a tendency to get attached to people too fast, am extremely shy around strangers, get overwhelmed in large groups and am super self-cautious about my behaiviour.

Great start for this sorta thing, I know.

To better my social performance I intend to

1. use/try out strategies from online for autistic people (I display some symptoms and have benefitted from such tips in the past) 2. be open with my current friends/aquaintances about any problems and feelings i have regarding our relationship (scary) 3. play a more active role in planning social gatherings, my ultimate goal is to host a mid-size party at home

Disclaimer:

This blog is not focused on the

positivity, be your best self with yoga, clean eating and journalling, you got it girly!

stuff. I wanna be more factual and strategic because I actually want to succeed irl. I'm going to outline my action, positive and negative effects and advice if this particular thing works. (Of course, this varies from person to person, but my thoughts might help to decide). Maybe in two years someone is gonna find this blog and find it helpful, so hey, this is for you buddy.

I am going to start now. And I will pull through it. For me.