dorkandstormy

[dorkandstormy]

Anti-Bullying

Read this, again. Out loud. Hear the words you are saying. Let it sink in. Let it stew until you fully understand it.

Then keep reading.

If you didn’t let it sink in this might not be for you.

[dorkandstormy]

Oil / Luster

[dorkandstormy]

Today right now is like the third time I've seen this sentence on social media. I am taking that as my sign from the universe because it's true. I'm almost 32 years old and after the life I've lived I'm exhausted. I used to do so well at keeping it together, but I feel like The Hoover Dam if it got a crack and for 32 years it's been slowing leaking but the crack grows bigger so it either needs to be drastically repaired in a short amount of time or it's breaking and flooding shit.

I feel like I'm breaking and I was never put together in the first place. But I am so tired that I have no patience anymore. It's not patience or tryna stay positive that keeps me together. It's autopilot. My survival mode is a slave. If you know me you know what it means for real to use that term. Slave means submission. My autopilot is submission. Shut ya mouth and submit. Move on. Do what I said.

And I be doing it. Out if survival. Like I don't how to figure it out. But yo that's how tired I am. I gave up, but survival mode is still running, so guess who's still going.

I read something else in social media that said people who commit suicide don't do it to end their life they do it to end the pain, and I agree. I used to want to end the pain. It was bad but survival mode really keeps you going regardless of that. I don't wanna die anymore to relieve the pain, but I'm really tired of humans.

I know the idea is to live with love but when you sit down and think about the way we choose to live as humans, well y'all, not me, it's disgusting and fucked up. I was raised a slave for lack of a better idea. They'll all deny it but whatever. Either way, my autopilot is to just submit because if that which means people get a lot of inches for their miles before enough is enough. It's like I wanna try to keep the peace so bad until it's triggering enough inside that I implode from the trigger.

I end up wrong about the implosion even though I try as best as I can to calmly explain how I like to be treated. And I don't know if y'all just hear what you want or you like pushing boundaries but I'm the monster cause I reacted what you would consider crazy. Sound familiar. Yo y'all humans, ain't shit, and I'm wrong for saying it cause y'all don't wanna hear truth unless you made it.

All of our problems have the same base and we can't get it right to save our lives. Y'all are exhausting. For no reason! It stems from this selfish ideal that you don't want to admit.

See that's another thing honesty. Y'all not honest with y'allselves so y'all can't be honest with other people. That fake it til you make it shit is dead. We shouldn't be faking shit. Not happiness not evil not nothing. We deal with the truth as it comes. If you're an asshole be that stand in your truth don't get butt hurt cause someone calls you out on it. Think about why they calling you that. Do you have asshole tendencies? Is what you just did something an asshole would do? Alright then stfu and let people be mad at you so we can move tf on. Let me cuss you out or something and take that shit like a champ cause you caused it. You're an asshole. Don't be an asshole and then somehow find yourself the victim. Y'all what's wrong with the world smh

In summation though I'm exhausted. I can't get enough sleep to repair the damage that has been done mentally, physically and emotionally, no matter how hard I try. The more I keep pushing forward the angrier I get. The more I realize how much patience I don't have, the angrier I get. The angrier I get the more I wanna just ugh! I don't even know but I know it's not good cause it feels really bad. I know I'm quick to want to fight inside cause pain for my anger. Whether y'all like to believe it or not some of y'all really do deserve it. You deserve the slap or the punch or the whole ass whoopin. Violence may never be the true answer but it certainly can be justified. Y'all overstep on a lot and you shouldn't.

It takes one small moment sometimes for it to be too much for a person's psyche and you play with your life with every negative decision you make, especially the ones geared toward an individual. An individual don't know either 😩

Moral of the story is y'all need to start really appreciating my Batman before y'all start getting this Joker. Cause I'm one bad day away every second I keep getting triggered. And there's only so much crying I can do out of frustration tryna keep peace y'all don't even want 😑

[dorkandstormy]

So I was scrolling through Facebook and I saw this post that had a thread of therapy gems from people on twitter. I was reading them and a lot of them were things I knew already some I just learned and some that i felt but didn't recognize I knew. I came across one specific one though that I knew was really for me.

THIS! and I cannot stress enough THIS! I tried to explain this to someone one but it didn't come out as well as I had hoped.

I was physically abused before kindergarten. Like beatings abused. When we moved I ended up mentally abused by narcissistic family members. The self hate they projected as life lessons were very detrimental. I was alone in everything. Prey in my home and my own family. For what I used to think was my fault or sometimes what I knew was nothing. The biggest influence in my life was a broken self hating narcissistic compulsive liar a replica of the egg donor that abandoned me because she never wanted me to begin with.

Well, fast forward to middle school where I started to really find myself attracted to guys but knew I never planned on acting on it. Too self conscious from the bullying and abuse I dealt with at home. I make it to high school and I experienced a few sexual assaults which made those feelings so much worse. My best friend always made sure the men or boys that came around knew I was shy and a virgin and to stay away from me. It was the virgin word that made me more of a target though so when she thought she was helping she wasn't really. I made to 10th grade with just some gropings forced touchings and a few people shoving their tongues down my throat though serious not grand on the scale of sexual assaults. However, just when i thought I was gunna be ok the guy my best friend was talking to came to hang outside one night with her while I was there. I did my normal mind my business let me go somewhere else. I didn't get far it was dark outside and my best friend didn't want me to go far so we all just ended up leaning against the same car by his friend's apartment building door (which was in the same parking lot as my own). Anyways, they talked i went to a side where they weren't and did what I normally did, talk to myself to pass the time. The next thing I knew he was walking up to me with this look in his eye but there was this smile in his face. He didn't even say anything and the next thing I knew he was aggressively tryna to put his hand in my pants. I said no and I tried to move but he grabbed me. I tried to grab his hands and he in a swift movement had both of them in one hand still trying to get in my pants with the other hand. The look in his eyes is something I'll never forget. He enjoyed the fight. He was on a mission and he was gunna succeed. But then he didn't because my best friend jumped on him i got a hand loose and we fought him off. He went back to his friends house and we went to ab adult neighbor friend. Well, I didn't I sat outside and cried. I told 3 adults that day what happened. The male adult got really angry and set out like he was gunna do something. The two women held me and let me cry. Nothing happened to him. In fact my best friend kept dealing with him and he ender up trying to do the same thing to her except his nails breached her sweatpants but wasn't fully successful she got away. I had to look at him every day and every day he smiled that same smile at me. I was so afraid, but because of what I dealt with at home I didn't say anything so I just went about life. A few months later in drivers ed a guy I knew text me about how it was time for me to lose my virginity. I laughed it off but every day in class that was the text conversation. He tried to use charm but it was an aggressive charm. It triggered that feeling in me I felt against that car and I ended up submitting and letting him take it. I told myself that it was better than what happened before. What I didn't know was that boy was exactly like the female influence in my life.

It started off random sex meetings here and there. I lived my life he lived his. I made it to almost the end of 11th grade before I got kicked out. Went to job corps had other relationships and all that, but i was always uncomfortable and trying to find my own positive sexuality.

When I came back home that meant going back to what I knew. Who I lost my virginity to. Him and I messed around again except this time he was on some love shit. He would tell me he loved me but didn't want to be with me. He was in exclusive relationships multiple at a time with other people cheating on them the whole time all the while in my face telling me he loved me. We would argue because I tried to get him to understand that you can't if you do what you do. What I wasn't aware of what that he would tell people I was his best friend unless it was a male interested in me then it was oh we in love she loves me and blah blah blah.

Fast forward to a year and some change later. He raped me. I told someone at the time and I was laughed at like they didn't believe so I just kept it to myself and him and I went back to the way it was until I moved an hour away. I came back and it was back to business as usual. Then I moved across country and we didn't talk at all. Completely moved on from each other. I wasn't under his control anymore and my past traumas couldn't speak for me. When we did speak it was arguments and him trying to gaslight me some more. Every now and then he tries again and he fails miserably but it wasn't until recently that I realized that I dealt with him and his delusions of love because it was normal for me. The woman influence in my life impacted me that much that my love map was based on it. I dated men who were either too weak like my father or narcissists because of my aunt.

I spent this last decade trying to find what was wrong with me but it was those situations. I attracted what I was used to dealing with negatively. It wasn't me that did anything. Well, in retrospect I allowed these things and situations to happen because I believed what was being told to me. I know now through growth and a handful of positively triggering people that I don't want these people and situations. I still very much attract the same because I'm not fully healed but I don't engage.

Applying this feeling and plan to people i know is another story and definitely a work in progress 😩

If you made it to the bottom of this thanks for reading but thanks for letting me write it cause it feels good to write it down and let it out.

[dorkandstormy]

Proud Auntie Moment 💖

So, my niece and nephew are sitting at the table waiting to eat their lunch. My niece has this stuffed dog that she’s feeding. I asked her if the dog was a boy or a girl and she said “girl!” I said, “well what’s her name?” She didn’t say anything. Her mimi and brother end up in a discussion about how the dog is from The Secret Life of Pets.

So, my niece goes back to minding her business feeding the dog. It’s now time for lunch and we have to move the dog. I pick it up then think I should check the tag. It wasn’t from the movie. It was some kind of hatch animal 🤷🏽‍♀️ I don’t really know, I just know it didn’t say The Secret Life of Pets on the tag.

Anyways, I hear my niece tell me, “here, her bone.” I take it from her and proceed to put the stuffed dog back on the table. I figured they could eat together. Why not?

It was then that I realized how my Regina George of a niece was not only very smart but also very considerate.

In my hand was a small piece of carboard circular tubing, like one would find in and organic hemp wrap. So, she has taken this piece of tubing and flattened and contorted it so that it looks like a rawhide.

I told her how brilliant that was and she gave me a high-five and said she loved me. My heart melted. She’s typically Regina George every minute of every day.

But no, not this time. She took her time into creating something special for the stuffed dog. And that means a lot. I feel very blessed to have been apart of that moment with her. She got encouraged and supported for her manifestation of love.

To me it was just very sweet. She could have picked up any old toy she had and pretended that was a bone, but instead she took the time to make one of her own so the dog would feel just like our dogs. So she could feel real.

We dismiss and disrespect a lot of things in this life because it’s easier to not find value in it. Everyone does it someone of us just more than others. My niece doesn’t take care of her other toys that well lol. That’s why it felt like such a positive moment though.

If you take the time to encourage the positive behaviors it becomes an instinct to do it at some point. At least that’s what I believe. I’m going to see how it works on our relationship. Look, I’ve seen Mean Girls, I legit don’t want her to keep these Regina George habits. It’s never cute and we don’t need that kind of energy growing and transferring out here in these streets lmao

Seriously though, I’m just so proud of her. She showed creativity, intelligence, ingenuity, and love. And she got recognized for it. We were both very happy with the moment 💖

I’m also very happy to have chosen to chronicle it. And to share it ✨

[dorkandstormy]

Honestly.

So today has been one for the book, thus my blog entry today. My brother, sister in law and I got into a deep conversation about the past, present and future. To sum it up the two of them have relationships with a parent(s) that they shouldn’t have. After everything they’ve been through there should be no recognizable bond, but alas there is. I asked them both at what point in their lives, like how old were you when you realized the the fairytale you’d been given wasn’t real? One said it took a long time, which was vague, while the other said 11. We moved the conversation along. It got a little hushed between me and my sister in law, but I did eventually tell her what I was thinking in regards to my own question.

Both of them have a bond with someone who at some point tried to hide them from what was going on. For whatever period of time it was, they had someone who loved them. If I was not on my own healing journey, that realization probably would have spiraled my own depression because it would feel like a knife to the gut. However, since I’m on my healing journey and have absolute faith that it will work, I can move forward from this conversation positively. Now you’re probably wondering why that realization for someone else would have affected me so, well the truth of the situation is. I never had a fairytail. Not once did anyone in my life ever sugar coat anything. I knew about every bad detail. A lot of it comes from being born from a narcissistic manipulative compulsive-liar and a passive-agressive vulcan. My egg donor, never wanted me and I always knew that. My father, doesn’t have an emotional capacity, so he was honest about everything. Life was always traumatic. There would good times but there was always brutal honesty mixed in with some bullying, badgering and belittling.

My brother and sister in law are beyond lucky to have had that fairytale. There are many people in this life that don’t ever get that. That feeling of love from your parents. That feeling, is something that once you realize it, will help you positively let go and heal.

For those of us who have always had that alone and unloved feeling we don’t have that realization coming to positively heal. We have to legit just start over and learn to create our own circle of loved ones and let them in to help us.

Honesty should be something that like it’s definition says, is honorable and virtuous; a positive thing. Instead it has been this spiritual disease that causes mental illnesses.

I say all of that to say, some of you will read this and one of those sides fit you. Some of you reading this will have already started your own healing journey and it will hopefully remind you that it’s worth it and you’re not alone. Others will read this having not started to heal and either let it sizzle in their spirit or will simply ignore what I’ve said. Either way, no matter what happens, healing is always worth it. Instead of looking at our lives with this negative honesty and how bad we had it, what happened, who loved whom, or whatever. Look at your history positively and honestly. Yes, that bad situation happened, but yes I also lived through it and learned something. Yes, this person didn’t love me, but yes, there was someone else who did. A positive mindset and spirit are not for other people, they’re for you. To live life as our Universe, Buddha, Jesus, Allah, Zues, God, Hera, Aetheist, Scientologists, sciencists, etc. intended up to: loving and living. The energy you put out is balanced and given to someone or something else in this universe, always keep that in mind. You want positive you give positive ✨

Thank you for taking the time to read this all the way to the end. I hope you took something from it because I wrote and infused it with positivity ✨ May you have the day you deserve 💙

[dorkandstormy]

I don’t wish to reconnect with anyone that’s hurt me. All is forgiven but I wish you well. Maybe in another life.

[dorkandstormy]

Please check out my jewelrypage @dorkandstormy on #instagram please 💙 #jewelry #handmade #mermaid #cashapp #healing #positivevibes #facebook #crystals #bracelets #necklaces https://www.instagram.com/p/BoulAe1AnoJ/?utm_source=ig_tumblr_share&igshid=16o9dvfkp2lqu

[dorkandstormy]

Where to begin...

Well, I said that I was going to actively blog, but that didn’t happen. Too many emotions with too many thoughts cause an urge to not write. Too much to say and didn’t know where to begin. I still don’t have the urge to write but I need to.

I quit that job that made me so miserable. It was so freeing to actually say, “unfortunately I cannot work here past Friday.” Typically. I give a months notice because, in my opinion, jobs need that time to find someone truly worthy. The turnover rates for these minimum wage jobs are horrible. Half of these training classes don’t even work a first real day. I’ve seen it and done it. I worked st McDonald’s once for two weeks. Just to get a check to get me to my next seasonal job. Did not feel sorry about it either. I’ve also had people abruptly quit and make my own job much harder. Anyways, I left that job, with no prospects no nothing. Just the money I saved in my pocket and my bus tickets bought to get me home to Cali. $300 in shipping almost killed me 😩 I spent my last few days on the East Coast with my bestfriend sister cousin and said my goodbyes to a place I will not go back to.

I had so much to say about that job that I took the emails of the owners to give them my own personal “Exit Interview.” They needed to know what was going on in their establishment and I was going to tell them! Here it is a whole five months later and I still haven’t written it. Fuck them! If they want to know what’s going on so bad they need to go in their and see it for their fuckin’ selves. How tf do you run a business and are never there?!?! 😑

I digress, back to the point. It’s August and my niece will be four months in a little over a day. She smiles all the time and she loves trap music. The toddler is satan, but I love her so much. Her smile is creepy AF but somehow the most beautiful thing ever. My nephew is just growing and getting smarter. He’s so shy but so nosey lol.

I did fail the three classes I was taking, but I’m not sad about it. I would rather live life, than stress myself over something trivial like classes.

I adopted a chihuahua mix and named him Sir Goldberg Waffles Rick Flair Drip Go Woo On A Bitch Bonilla.

He has the best personality on him. He has so much energy and he really loves all of ys. He does suffer from seperation anxiety but he was three months old and a stray when I adopted him. He’s had a “ruff” start in this life. We work with him and show him so much love. He was the best decision I made on this healing journey. He absolutely helps with my anxiety. His breath smells bad but his kisses are the best.

I got to spend my brother’s birthday with him for the first time in our adult lives. That was so exciting and all we did was drink responsibly. Definitely a couple blunts rolled, but that’s a regular day for us.

My sister in law cooked some bomb ass food and she made him a boobie cake

It was a chocolate mousse filled marble cake. Amazing!

Six days later was my birthday and I spent the day at the DMV.

I got my license back!!! It’s been seven years since I’ve had it. A mistake was made and I have been paying for it in many ways. To have my license back to me is a freedom I once told myself was impossible to have. How could I afford to pay restitution if I couldn’t even afford to feed myself? Or keep a roof over my own head? Seven years later though, and I did it! Believe me when I say it’s been a long road. I’ve done so much to get ahead and got knocked back even further. Lost people. Gained people. Depressed and oppressed myself on this journey. It all seems so worth it now.

I do feel a little discouraged at times because now that I have a license, I need a car. That process is horrible when you’re poor and jobless. Private sellers are liars and still trying to get lot prices for beat up cars. Lots want you to have a job and out here you need a car to get a job. It’s a vicious cycle.

I will not let it bring me down though! I’ve come very far on this healing path and I refuse to relapse.

I mentioned my classes earlier and I would like to elaborate by saying that I am retaking those classes. I start on the 23rd of this month. Not super excited about it, but I know I can do better.

On the whole, life is good. I’m just taking it minute by minute. Whatever happens, happens. No more stress on me. Every day I wake up is a blessed day.

I’m not going to end this by saying I’ll be back with an update or “I’m really going to actively blog this time,” because I just can’t make that promise. I don’t know where I’m going. I stopped planning it stresses me out and makes me so anxious. Fuck all that. Happy is the way to be!

I hope that anyone who reads this is having a blessed and joyous day. If you aren’t, please hear me when I tell you, it’s not worth it. Let go and let your deity deal with it. Don’t breed negativity, produce positivity. Be the change you want to see. You have the power in your words. You got this! Keep going! And in case no one told you today I love you 💚 you’re so special and worth it 💜

[dorkandstormy]

#wordoftheday #quoteoftheday #picoftheday #factoftheday #grammaroftheday #recipeoftheday #knowledge #learning #growing #healing #inspiration #motivation #selflove #selfcare #positivevibes #mentalhealth

[dorkandstormy]

Putting fingers to keyboard

I told myself I was going to start this blog and I was going to write whenever I had some feelings, but the truth is I always have thoughts that lead to feelings. I wanted this blog to be a way for me to get it out and when I came up with the idea I was so stoked for it. Then things started happening and I felt myself just doing what I normally do, pushing through. 

I am verbally able to talk about my feelings with my cousin and I do talk to my sister in law through Facebook, as well as talking to my newest best-friend through Snapchat. They know what’s going on as it happens so they get the unorganized thoughts and raw emotion. They help me in the moment, but then we move onto something else and I’m left with my thoughts about the situations. 

My anxiety makes me think about the outcomes of these situations while my depression drains me of the energy I need to deal with them and move on. It’s a horrible cycle. 

I started this journey of healing because I don’t want to live like this anymore. I’m tired of being anxious and I am well over being depressed. The more I try to deal with it the more it seems like stuff keeps piling on to keep me down and I realized that it’s me. It’s really always been me, but my mind and body are so used to these feelings, as negative as they are, that it doesn’t want to let them go. The more I try to force it the more my mind battles me and it is extremely exhausting. 

I gave up, for now, on writing my book because of it. I can’t write this book and relive those moments while simultaneously going through new stressful moments. It’s too much. I don’t want to relive trauma and deal with new stress. It’s not fair to have to do that. I always heard that you had to close one door to open another and it just seems so much harder when you have a Ritz Carlton full of doors open in your brain; most of which are past doors that have just been open for years and now need WD-40 to close. 

My job is ridiculous. The people are rude and complain about everything just to get money back (some complaints are valid). My boss is racist even if she doesn’t believe it. Her jokes are inappropriate and she’s basically a hypocrite. You can tell the owners of our hotel don’t care about us. I’ve been working at the desk in zero degree weather because there are more important things to fix than our heat, but if I ended up with pneumonia they would immediately make sure I couldn’t sue them for my hospital bills. There is a serious lack of respect between us as coworkers. The turnover rate is ridiculous. There is just no motivation or moral in this building. Everyone dreads coming in for their shift. It’s so sad. 

 Our manager gets a bonus for being over quota but what about us? We don’t even have heat. She might have stalked and poached to get you the reservations but it’s us that put in the work to keep them and make sure their stay is amazing. Let me say that again, the lowest workers on the totem pole, the ones you think are so easily replaceable, bust their asses to keep your business running efficiently. We deal with the complaints, we get cussed out, yelled out and just all around disrespected to make sure people want to come back for more and you can’t even give us heat. You won’t even allow us to have some of the breakfast made. It’s not just my job either it’s tons of jobs out here in America.  Of course, there’s always rent and bills that need to be paid so I put up with these things because I want to make sure I have money coming in, but it’s annoying because I’m not asking for a lot just some damn respect and appreciation. I voice these concerns and I end up pacified which let me tell you only pisses me off. 

I try to stay as positive as possible though. I have goals in my mind and I know the path I am trying to journey, so I use it as motivation to keep going. When I feel down I try to think of some new and creative ways to reach my goal. I may not be writing my book but I am still focusing on writing it because I know once it’s done I’ll feel so much better. I found the best motivation in myself. Something I have been looking for my whole life. 

I might be setting myself back a few steps but I will not stop until I get to where I want to be; healed and happy. 

I am going to keep trying to write this blog too. Thank you for taking the time to read it. Feel free to comment, I’m always up for some new insight and constructive criticism. I’m new to this healing journey so I would love to hear what works for others. 

[dorkandstormy]

I love everything about this😍 #positivevibes #alexjames #unicornvibes #secretwisdom

[dorkandstormy]

I really needed to read this.

types of healthy coping skills

1. self-soothing

comforting yourself through the 5 senses

Touch: stuffed animals, stress balls, taking a bath, a soft blanket

Hear: music, audio book, guided relaxation

See: snow globe, glitter, calming images, art, anything that pleases you visually 

Taste: tea, mints, gum

Smell: lotion, candles, incense 

2. distraction

removing your focus from the stressor for a period of time

puzzles, art, crafting, reading, movies, gaming, exercise, being social

3. opposite action

doing the opposite of the impulse that aligns with a positive emotion

affirmations, inspiration, lighthearted and encouraging focus

4. emotional awareness

identifying and constructively expressing what you’re feeling

journaling, listing emotions, using a emotional identification chart, drawing, therapy

5. mindfulness

centering and anchoring yourself to the present moment

meditation, guided relaxation, yoga, breathing exercises, candle gazing, going for a walk

6. ask for help

this is important to do when you feel like your coping skills are not enough or they are too negative and detrimental  

therapy is ideal for helping a person create a healthy coping strategy and incorporate it into their life 

*a coping skill is considered healthy if it helps you to deal with stress more positively, does not hinder your progress, and isn’t harmful physically or mentally. A coping skill can become negative when it is used to completely avoid dealing with the stressor. 

[dorkandstormy]

I would say these fit perfectly with the posts that came before then a few moments ago . . . . #motivationalquotes #inspirationalquotes #positivevibes #quoteoftheday #wordoftheday #growth #vocabulary #healing #knowledge

[dorkandstormy]

#swipeleft Instagram #knowledge gems I found throughout the day. All three of these resonated with me today and reminded me to keep pushing in my effort to change me for the better. . . . . #growth #positivevibes #healing #maturing #changing #betteringmyself to hopefully #helpothers

[dorkandstormy]

No shade. I’m not being indirect. These aren’t aimed at anyone “pacific.” It’s a blanket set of feelings for my past and present, so people can understand where I’m at and where I’m going. You don’t have to agree or understand, but it’s my truth. I respect and support yours so all I’m asking is for you to do the same to mine. . . . . #snapchat #thoughts #feelings #growth #perception #reality #truth #healing #past #present #future #respect #support #coping #mentalhealth #awarewolf

[dorkandstormy]

You or family headed through or to #wichita for the #holidays or just in general this is where you wanna stay. DM @racheldelilah90 for inquiries on rates and amenities 😊 #316 #hotel #hospitality #friends #family #love #comfort