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[delicate-daisyyy]

Why do people always hurt me because someone else is causing their hurt. What is it about me that makes me such an easy target. Why am I, as one soul person, always attacked by multiple different people because someone else has simply caused them to hurt. Im sorry that im me, but I didn't hurt you. Please don't take it out on me. I can't take my own hurt on top of yours, on top of continuously getting hurt. I'm a nice person

[delicate-daisyyy]

Pain and suffering is never ending. It's simply just your turn. Then, it's passed to someone else to experience. While you're hit with even more. Pain and suffering is never ending. It's simply just your turn

[delicate-daisyyy]

PLEASE RB WITH YOUR OWN ANSWER. I NEED TO KNOW I AM NOT ALONE.

Q. What precautions do you unknowingly take due to the trauma you went through?

I have to sleep with my TV on every night as a light. Purely so I can see all of my surroundings anytime I open my eyes and am able to remind myself, although I don't feel safe rn i am safe and no one in this room can hurt me...

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I thought I could ignore it and find myself and be happy. But no. That, is not an option.

I cannot find myself, because he shoved himself ontop of me and forced a part of my body to be his trophy.

He stripped a part of me away, while he stripped my underwear from my fighting grip.

How can I expect myself to be whole when there's pieces of me I cannot pull back?

Violated. Lost. Vulnerable. Chaotic. Dirty. Disgusting. Stripped of my dignity and self-worth.

And for what?

For a 'man' who had to have his way with me?

With my body. I wasn't even there. He looked straight through me and pierced my soul while his hands grabbed control of my every move. While his genitals violated my delicate parts forcing himself in every hole.

My body. My tears. Myself as a person, gone. Ripped away from me by my loving partner. I was nothing.

Less than nothing.

I was terrified. How could I let this happen?

How did I let it carry on?

Fighting didn't get him off me.

Pleading didn't get him off of me.

I was made helpless by a 'man' who told me he loves me.

You ruined me TB.

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I CANT AFFORD TO LOSE ME AGAIN!!

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IF HE COULD DO THAT TO ME, THEN ANYONE CAN!!!!!!!!!

[delicate-daisyyy]

It's my birthday tomorrow and this time last year I was planning my bestfriends funeral.

All I've been doing is crying. Screaming. Crying and screaming.

It hurts.

I don't want to make it til tomorrow.

I don't want to celebrate this day ever again.

I might be in for another grippy socks vacation.

I can't do this without you.

Please don't take your life.

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I need to be comfortable. All the time. Always.

It self soothes me and helps me cope qnd survive. It always has.

But now I don't have my comfort. No comfort at all anymore.

She's gone.

I can't keep comfortable.

I'm not comfy.

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[delicate-daisyyy]

My bestfriend saved my life here. And I couldn't save hers. What do I do from here. She saved my life more times than you'll ever know. And now she's ded. Gone. And I couldn't save her

I'm 24. I don't drive.

I can't leave by myself without it being noticeable. I just went to take the rubbish out so i could walk to a public toilet and not come back. My flatmate asked if I wanted a hand taking it out. I said no. Then i felt bad. So i said yes.

She ended up taking it out herself. I know it should be enough to save me, that was a sign and she stopped me.

But now

I need to go

I still need to go

[delicate-daisyyy]

I'm 24. I don't drive.

I can't leave by myself without it being noticeable. I just went to take the rubbish out so i could walk to a public toilet and not come back. My flatmate asked if I wanted a hand taking it out. I said no. Then i felt bad. So i said yes.

She ended up taking it out herself. I know it should be enough to save me, that was a sign and she stopped me.

But now

I need to go

I still need to go

[delicate-daisyyy]

What am I supposed to do from here 😭

[delicate-daisyyy]

TRIGGER WARNING -SEXUAL ASSAULT. ED. SH

Im overweight and i hate it.

I hate myself. Everything about myself. I blame my medication for my weight, well, at least thats what i tell people.

I never just gained all this weight in one night in one month, sure ive packed it on but its never that easy.

Im fat bc i choose to be.

Bc i fear to be skinny again no matter how much i wanna be.

No matter how much i crave it. No matter how much i hate what i see when i look down or in the mirror, or when my skin shows my jiggly bits.

Im scared to become skinny again so i eat.

I disgust myself so i eat.

When i was skinny i was sick. I were weak. I were broken.

I liked the way my body looked when i looked in the mirror, i hated what i was doing to do it but i couldnt survive without it.

My body was the only thing i had control over, and i was destroying it.

I liked my size being skinny. The way clothing hugged me nicely, i never felt ashamed nor foolish in anything i wore. I liked the way my body looked and the way i looked, even though i was selfharming underneath.

I had control over my body while selfharm and destruction had control over me.

When i was sexually assaulted i lost all control of my body. It was no longer mine anymore.

Their hands grabbing upon my body like i wasnt even there. Their eyes casing it up and down. Their breath on the neck of my body and their fingertips doing as they pleased.

I was stunned, drunk and irrelevant.

People starring at my body in disgrace and disgust. At MY body.

I wasnt even there.

Violated by their eyes after their body had violated me.

I was nothing. My body wasnt even mine anymore.

No matter how much i try shower off their touch

im stained.

However more i cry tears of painful sorrow, it never deafens the music or their moans of that night.

Whichever clothes i decide to wear never covers the body they chose to strip bare.

Every scent of deoderant and perfume will never hide the scent of shame they shoved upon me.

I liked my body bc it was mine and i controlled every inch, I never intended they would too.

Everyday, every hour, every second since i have never been unable to not think upon that night.

I was irrelevant. I was weak. I was broken.

I thought every second of what i could have done to stop them. What i could have done different. What i should have said. What i should have drank. Who i should have drank with. Where i should have been. What i should of worn. Who i should have trusted.

I try never to be weak agin. I try never to be naive. Never to selfharm. Be broken, or to trust.

I started to destroy the way my body looked. The same way they destroyed me.

I figured if i liked the way i looked then they would too.

They claimed my body from me , and i didnt want it back.

I never wanted to be looked at. To be touched. Held. I didnt want my body near anyone else, to be made irrelevant and helpless ever again.

I didnt trust anyone. I didnt trust myself. I didnt trust that my body was ever mine. I didnt want it. I didnt want another person near it. I started to give up on everything, it wasnt me anymore. I was distant. I would cry and never stop. I would shake uncontrolably as if my body were having a fit while im fully aware its happening. I would tremble at the thought of stepping outside my room. I would cry or yell when i had to speak to someone bc i couldnt talk, i couldnt move , this was not my body anymore.

Through iscolations and breakdowns and suicide attempts i would fight and argue with my parents and friends, it was never over much, i just didnt wanna talk. I didnt wanna tell them. I didnt wanna be.

The moment that i did i shook so intensely i thought i was going to die.

I cried so dramatically til i couldnt see, nor feel.

This wasnt my body anymore.

I grew more and more weaker, and more and more frustrated and fed up. I wasnt eating. I wasnt sleeping. I was barely breathing. I couldnt take it anymore.

As things went by i had to face them.

Through rumors at school. Through friends. Through stares. Through the police. Through medical examinationa. On the streets in their cars. Through music.  Through dressing myself .

Every day had violated me all over again.

I wasnt coping, and i wasnt me anymore.

Im still not, But i remembered control.

Years dragged by as i began to eat. Binging , purging, starving and stuffing. Til i finally managed to see myself as a different person. The weight i gained made my body grow plump and jiggly, and i began to realise thay i can control what i see in the mirror.

Everything i gained i did to not feel weak. I didnt wanna see anything i liked. I didnt wanna see clothes looking nice. I didnt wanna look good.

I hated my body and i hated myself , but i gained back my control.

Stretch marks stared to grow.

Clothes didnt fit.

Cellulite. Pimples. Sweat. - i thrived of it.

My body is disgusting. Ive taken it back.

Well so i thought.

Nothing ive ever done has taken that night away from me and it never will. Its always with me.

Time will heal nothing and i cant heal myself, nor could you help me.

But being fixated on this for so long has made me realise how controlled i have been by them.

My body is still theirs no matter how many guys i lay with in hopes to make me feel any less.

How many friends i listen to to make me less loud.

No matter which way i try to destroy myself they will never leave me.

I can drink, smoke, eat, fuck, cry, listen, love, hide, bleed and write til the end of time.

It will never be enough. I will never be enough. But i will never let that night be enough for them.

Time heals nothing but we fight, not for the destination but for the journey along the way. We are what we are and we cant chage that  but we can and we will live to love it.

I am destructive but i am still here, still hurting and probably still hurting you. But our journeys are alive and one day we WILL see just how beautiful we are.

That one day needs to be today and that needs to start everyday. Whether its in nature, the sky, a loved one, a pet or in the mirror,

Something somewhere is beautiful. Whether its a thing or a place or a soul, emmerse yourself in its beauty, and you will see it everywhere

Dont allow your past or your pain to define you.

[delicate-daisyyy]

When will I be enough.

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Nobody breaks my heart.

[delicate-daisyyy]