christianbisexualpoet

[christianbisexualpoet]

One day

I will love so fully

Without constantly looking over my shoulder

Like what I have always been afraid of being true

With creep up to me

White sharp teeth

With vengeance

Trying to convince me

No on could ever want me

And instead I will only look back

To see the beautiful memories

With complicated paths

On a beautiful curving road

With good days and bad

But no doubt

That I deserve every ounce

Of joy my body can possess

[christianbisexualpoet]

What if

Teaching someone how to love you

Showing them the words that hurt you

And the kind of touch that could heal you

Isn't begging to be loved

But instead

Taking the gift of being loved

And sizing it to you

Tight enough to show the parts you like

Loose enough you never feel like you're running out of space

What if

Instead of asking for something

You feeling ashamed to admit you need

You instead are accepting something

Simply like learning how another likes their tea

Saying I need my love a little sweet

I have bitter memories

That can be smoothed out with a splash of cream

What if

Someone knowing naturally

The love I need

Isn't the dream I want

But instead

For the first time

I have someone sit me down

And say I am valuable enough

To be learned and read

Like a novel

Cover to cover

Noticing something new every time

[christianbisexualpoet]

I remember those first few days

And first few nights

Every moment we had just the two of us

My head on your shoulder

Your whole body laying across my chest

The way we had known one another

But learned how little we knew

Getting acquainted with what is like

To listen to your breath

The way your heart beats when you rest

A good friend

Becoming a lover

[christianbisexualpoet]

Love is not labor

But out of my love for you

I will labor through

[christianbisexualpoet]

"It really is amazing how after years of fighting it, one day I decided that I was going to feel everything. Instead of pushing it down, I reached out my hands and lifted it up. I was so afraid to acknowledge those feelings, afraid of the power it would have over me.

I remember the last time I cried over it; now I've forgot what those feelings even felt like. "

[christianbisexualpoet]

" How can a strangers connection come so naturally

Yet to let someone love me feels like an uphill battle

And I can only want someone

For as long as I can't have them

And then I run away."

-J. Wolf

[christianbisexualpoet]

I’m so glad I can’t go back in time 

Because I couldn’t look myself in the eye 

If I went back four and half years 

And had to tell my 17 year old self 

That this didn’t get better

Not even close 

They told me it would get better 

But it never got better 

God damn you were everything I ever wanted

[christianbisexualpoet]

I'm safe enough to process Safe enough to hurt Little did I know How comfortable the before was The emotionlessness How comforting it was To push these uneasy thoughts away Down and back And even though I know now I know it's better this way I wish I could just keep it all packed away

christianbisexualpoet

[christianbisexualpoet]

"I know I have to sit with you

Make conversation with you

Make you comfortable enough that you don’t have to hide

Learn your hows and your whys

Get past you harsh side

Dig deeper into your memories you try to protect me from

You have tried and tried 

You have helped me thrive

But that anger we share 

You know it’s not your true name

You boast it on a name tag 

You use words like anger, hate, pain

You emerge like a volcano

You lash out like a bullet shooting from a gun

You are protecting me

Like a dog licks its wounds

Like it distrusts the vet

And I love you for it

But we have to uncover you

Address the scars you hide

I have sat with you enough to know 

That there is more than meets the eye

I know you prefer it this way

But if we try

If we peel back those layers

Your true colors will show

And yes

Hurt and bleed

But my anger 

 you and I both know

 your true name 

Is unresolved pain"

-christianbisexualpoet

[christianbisexualpoet]

Baby girl

You did so good

You held that heart so high

You walked through the deep and muddied waters

Tears running down your face

Pain cutting through your arms and legs 

You ran, you fought, you wept

You have worked so hard

You have hurt so much 

Baby girl, 

You have done so good

You were dealt such a rotten hand

And yet, you created a stable game

You smiled when she should

Bluffed your way through a professionals charade 

Sat at the grown ups table of heartbreaks

And didn’t let it take your heart away 

Baby girl

You did so good 

Growing up 

Protecting yourself from the endless tyrade 

Growing despite the thorns in your side

Becoming better than the monsters you were taught to hide

Learning to cope with the waves life made you ride

-christianbisexualpoet

[christianbisexualpoet]

How did this happen What did change For when you said my name It sounded like only a name Angels did not sing Demon’s did not snarl There wasn’t love There wasn’t even hate You went to touch my leg And I wanted to move away Nowhere in my mind Are you allowed to reside With your painful memories And my first broken heart Your hands don’t belong on my body My skin doesn’t deserve your faltering touch While I have shed many tears Oh how those tears hurt to cry I think the last might’ve come and passed For what at the time felt like a gunshot Now feels like a dodged bullet Seeing my future With less of you in it

christianbisexualpoet

[christianbisexualpoet]

I am guilty of a mother wound Guilty of being a daughter Who was never brought The love I knew which my soul was in need of Guilty of looking for the love of a mother As I never safely received as your young Guilty of putting up walls To protect my younger self Guilty of reacting as a child Yet a child is what I was I am guilty of building a life where I don’t rely on you Guilty of never knowing What confiding in a mother is like Guilty of not starting healing what I didn’t break And what I never should’ve had to mend I am guilty of validating your fears of being a mother Guilty of sharing you fears Guilty of trying to be better Without you

christianbisexualpoet

[christianbisexualpoet]

This little girl

She stands in ashes

Broken glass

Blacked out history

The remains of broken generational curses and patterns

The beautiful destruction

Created a mountain

I now stand atop

Full of pride

[christianbisexualpoet]

But for tonight,

Im just going to lay here and feel heartache.

[christianbisexualpoet]

Hey

fuck you

for saying things to her

that you once said to me

only now

you bother to make sure they mean something

before throwing around

love

soulmate

forever

yeah

fuck you

[christianbisexualpoet]

I want to throw punches that could hurt and win fights with honour.

And I want to nurture. I want to love kids and to teach them.

I want to be strong enough to fight and soft enough to heal. 

 Yet women on every side of the fence have tried to show me I cannot be both. 

 "Well behaved women rarely make history."

 A misunderstood quote.  

 A quote used to empower strong and loud women.

 Which is a good thing. 

 But what about us? 

 The strong and quiet women. 

 Be they mothers or teachers.

And warriors.

 And be they barely not girls like me. 

 Where do we fall in history?

 Where do the girls who are gentle and full of conviction stand? 

 Where is our pedestals?

[christianbisexualpoet]

"Look at you

Breaking my heart

Time and time again

And then pretending

You never did"

-christianbisexualpoet