cantstopme2019

[cantstopme2019]

Trauma Part 3

The reason I switched schools so much was to get away from my brother. When we moved to Louisiana we knew nothing about Magnet or Gifted Programs. My 2nd Semester of 9th grade I switched to a Magnet school. Everyone was so smart because it was the engineering focused school. My grades were decent enough to continue to 10th grade though I still didnt care.

At the end of that semester I was on academic probation. I was failing geometry. I was more interested in stanning the tutor than learning from him. I had no friends since they all went to the Magnet middle school together and made fun of me because i was "fat and dumb". I didnt fit in anywhere.

I started messing around with one of my brothers friends. I had never even made out with a boy before. I had zero feelings for him i was just so lonely. He lied to my brother about it. My Brother of course believed him and beat the shit out of me some more.

I was kicked out at the end of the school year. That summer my mother had me tested for the gifted program. I don't remember the testing just my mom hanging the story over my head for the rest of her life. Apparently my IQ was off the charts. There was one problem though. I couldn't remember simple math, science, or english. Yet I was scoring post graduate (masters level) on those same subjects. The psych dxed me with adhd and rxed whatever medicine was in style in 1996.

I do remember the first week at the gifted school. I rode everyday with my "best friend" who convinced my mom to get me tested. I was also strung out on this medication the first few days. Everyone (the gifted shrink) suggested my mom work on getting me an iep for math & science and put me in therapy but she never did. She also didnt like the meds so made me stop taking them and I was never in therapy.

My "best friend" never acknowledged me at school. He was too busy trying to be a cool kid. I was just trying to survive. He stopped bringing me back and forth to school. I had to catch the Bus at 530am to transfer to another bus. Those kids made fun of my makeup & clothes. I often didnt get home til 5pm. Fuck doing homework. I broke my foot in dance class. A fellow srudent murdered his parents. By the 2nd semester i figured i would be better off at the regular public school again.

I was wrong. People thought i was a satanist because i had dyed black hair to my waist. Since i was switching from gifted they put me in all AP & honors. I was suspended twice and don't remember why. I constantly played devils advocate with my close minded teachers and got sent to Tor. They loved that Type of discourse at the gifted school and in college. Always in the guidance counselors Office because of girl fights. My English teacher said i would amount to nothing in life and asked why i couldn't be more like my brother.

That fall because i was 16 i started working at Burger King. I became friends with a white guy who grew up in Bolivia. His stories fascinated. He kept trying to get me to go to his Church. He saw how miserable life was for me and we worked well together.

My mom started snooping through my stuff at home. We faught all the time. She also thought my aesthetic = satantic worship when i was just looking cute af. I don't know how often i was backhanded by her or even my "best friend" in private.

I had nowhere to turn. No therapist to talk to. No "best friend" to talk to. No journal to write in and basically only saw my mother when we were fighting.

[cantstopme2019]

Trauma Part 2

After the 2nd suicide attempt I never went back to school. I went to an iop and was homeschooled there. My parents decided to pack us up and move us to Baton Route subburbs because my fathers family lived in Baton Rouge. I went to public school. For once i wasnt the poor kid. I was still bullied it wasnt as bad though. I was able to hide more in a school of 800 kids. I didnt have to study because I was several grade levels ahead from Catholic school in Chicago subburbs.

My 14th birthday rolled around. I remember getting intona huge fight with my dad. It ended with me telling him that I hate him and I never wanted to See him again. The next day he died of a massive heart attack changing my aunts tire while i was at school.

I don't remember much of my home life again between 14- 16 except fighting with my mom all the time and my brother beating the shit out of me. I was always in trouble at school. I switxhed schools almost every semester.

I started lying all the time again and even stalked a boy when i was a sophomore. All these memories have been coming back. Not just the ones of bad stuff people have done to me but bad stuff i did to them. I was always in time out room and got suspended but i don't remember what for. I ended up in school with my brother twice and he would slam me into my locker or push my books out of my hands. As soon as we moved here he turned into this weird Cowboy Person. It was the mid 90s when i was in highschool and could have been the postet child for the alternagoth counterculture movement.

Sadly there are several more parts to come.

[cantstopme2019]

[cantstopme2019]

I went to my advisor but he wasn’t there and all he had on his door was this.

[cantstopme2019]

Hello my darlings,

When a parent decides to keep a child, they are taking responsibility for them for the next 18 years. This includes consistent food, regular sleep, a roof over their head and safety from harm (physical, mental and sexual). 

However, this also includes supporting your child in the choices they make past an age of competent cognitive reasoning, always respecting their boundaries and privacy, a relaxed amount of workflow and direct communication with the child. You agree to help understand and support them through illness (Both mental and physical) and prepare them best for the time that they will leave.

Parents do not own their children. A child deserves their own belongings and space. They are a human just as anyone else.

I love you all. Please stay safe,

White

[cantstopme2019]

The Mentally Ill Checklist of Why Do I Feel Bad

1. Look at your pill organizer. Did you take last night’s pills? That’s why.

2. Did you get a full night’s sleep last night? No. That’s why. Get some melatonin and Sleepytime Tea and knock yourself out. A 90 minute nap will unfuck you. 

3. Did you eat? That’s why. Carbs even me out the quickest, then I eat something with fiber and protein. Ideally I also eat a fruit or vegetable. 

4. Has your behavior seemed more disordered lately? Time to call your med doctor. You might need a lithium level or a med adjustment.

5. Have you been dealing with more stress or overworking at school or work? That’s why. Work on a list of coping mechanisms during this time. Breathing, self care, cooking meals, full nights sleep, media distractions, venting to a friend, group therapy or support groups, mindful meditation, grounding exercises. Take a ten minute break to sit in the hallway outside your workstation and relax your breathing. Don’t self judge. It’s going to be okay.

6. Do you have a uterus? Has it been 25-35 days? That’s why. 

7. Have you been consuming an unusual amount of caffeine, sugar, drugs, or alcohol? That’s why.

8. Have you noticed psychotic symptoms getting worse? For me, this means obsessing over my zodiac, the radio, spotify playlists, and social media for hidden signs. It’s referential delusions. When things start to feel too “spooky”, I challenge those thoughts by asking how logical they are. 

9. Have you made yourself unhappy by looking at your triggers? That’s why. Self control is an art form.

10. Are you judging yourself for your coping mechanisms? We’re all out here trying to survive. Unhealthy coping mechanisms are coping mechanism that are hurting you. Excessive use of coping mechanisms is what is bad. Spending A LITTLE money or eating A LITTLE junk food or having ONE DRINK is okay. You don’t have to call yourself fat as some sort of self shaming ritual every time you relapse and eat some Doritos. Even if you’re already fat. You gotta say to yourself “Is this that dangerous? Is this becoming a bad habit? Is this a big deal?” If not, do you what you need to do. 

11. Are you ruminating a lot before bed and during your idle time? Ask yourself “Is this thought helping me or ruining my mood?” Allow yourself a little time, but too much world-building or catastrophizing or fetishizing the past is bad. Recognize when you’re doing it.

12. Have you felt unloved or ignored by your friends? Reach out to them yourself. Call in your B list friends if you need to. Yeah we all have those friends, and they might be happy to hear from you. Worst case scenario, call the Suicide Hotline. 

13. Are you spending a lot of time hating on other people or fixating on conflicts in your personal life? Is this actually helping you? Release that anger. Find a way to channel it into something. Angrily walk around the block. Rage clean your house. There is a recycling plant in my town that has a big glass bottle sorting area. Throwing glass as hard as I can into a big pit? Bliss. 

14. Spend your money on something healthy instead of the BS. I love spending money on dumb shit and I will buy the whole mall if the check allows it. But my car needed front wheels. And gas. And I needed to mealprep. My cat needed vitamins. I need Therapy to keep myself healthy. Even putting a chapstick in your car when you constantly need it and forget to get one will elevate your life. Where are you spending that money? What’s going to protect you? 

15. Are you feeling disconnected from the world and other people? Go to the library, turn off your phone, and just look around. Let it be a quiet time. 

(okay to reblog and add your own)

[cantstopme2019]

Trauma Part 1

All of the stuff online about the dissociadid being fake has me feeling like im fake and crazy. Being in did groups online make me feel fake and crazy. Im not like them.

The voices in my head... there are like 6 of them. I don't have characters, accents, or anything like that. All the people in my head are an age when something really bad happened to me. And theyre pretty much pieces of me stuck in a timeframe of trauma i suffered. No ghosts or werecats...

I have flashbacks of being beaten and tied up (i was little and accidentally pulled a tv down on me when one of my parents was sleepong during the day and the other was at work) my Brother confirms us being beaten. But my earliest Memory of my Brother was him trying to Stab my mom with a knife. My uncle confirmed that happened a lot when i was little. I don't remember. I'm guessing thats where Annie comes from. Shes 6

I was bullied badly in 5th-7th grade. I tried to commit suicide twice. I was being sexually abused at home by my Brother. The bullying made me a compulsive liar at school. The mental Hospital was 6 weeks the first time. I learned how to cut instead of threaten suicide. Someone stole staff Keys. We were in lockdown by the 3rd day I told who took them. The whole unit wanted to beat my ass. I never told about my Brother and of course my parents lied about beating the shit out of me. Peter is 13 and male from all of that trauma. Being traumatized as an 11-13 year old female.

[cantstopme2019]

[cantstopme2019]

If DID Was  A Late Night Show

*The camera focuses on the host, is it the TV host or the system host? No one actually knows*

Good evening everyone, and welcome back to Dissociation Tonight. And now please welcome our special guest star…

*The guest star was not prepared to switch, and sits there, sort of panicking, trying to figure out what the actual fuck is happening*

“Moving on, let’s look at the current events”

*Cut to a montage of the day’s experience, complete with lots of overthinking, stress, general exhaustion and other fun feelings.*

And let’s look at the pressing matters.

*Cut to nothing. Because amnesia*

Thanks for watching and we’ll see you next time! 

*Cut to credits but the next scheduled time hardly lines up with the time the next episode is released because time and dissociation don’t like each other*

I think I need sleep-Ronald

[cantstopme2019]

‘A Day Beautifully Squandered’

[cantstopme2019]

there are a lot of things people don’t tell you about life and about how to deal with it.

they don’t tell you that you can experience mental illnesses without even realizing it for years or that abuse more often than not looks like love. they don’t tell you that sometimes it feels like you’re getting better or you’re having a breakthrough but then the next day you feel like you’re spiraling again. they don’t tell you that you will always be recovering. they don’t tell you that it’s okay to feel negative about things even after they’re over.

recovery is not one size fits all, so please don’t hold yourself to an expectation like that when you see other people healing “faster”. it’ll take time and patience. but you will get there even if it doesn’t just magically happen one day.

every mental illness looks different just as every life looks different, so no one’s growth will be at the same rate. what works for some won’t work for everyone. you’re a valid human being with valid experiences and feelings. don’t give up on yourself because you think you’re the odd one out. we’re all different.

[cantstopme2019]

If you’re reading this unclench your teeth and relax your shoulders right now you dumb bitch

[cantstopme2019]

one of the least helpful things ive been told as a neurodivergent person is “don’t half ass things”

if you can quarter ass something, do it! if all you can do is clean a corner of your room, or only read one of the two assigned chapters, or write the heading for your resume, or put all the papers for taxes in a pile, do it! if today isn’t a whole ass day, take pride in the portion of ass that you were capable of

don’t let neurotypicals work ethic define how you did today

[cantstopme2019]

You’re doing great! 🐟❤️ I know it can be tough, but you’re surviving and making it work!

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[cantstopme2019]

[cantstopme2019]

Take a minute right now and breathe. Remind yourself that you will get through this.

[cantstopme2019]