acadelblog

[acadelblog]

old lovers

As the night draws on

The two lovers stayed on

Reliving the old days

But with feelings anew

 The lonely night stayed

As the lovers made way

To promises laid

In hopes of a better day

 One might think there’s something going on

Others might think that’s just wrong

But only two knows how long

Before we’re found loving all along

 So the old lover talked on and on

But no one wants to get off

Because they know what they miss

Since the night of love’s last kiss

Only one benefits from the old meet

And the other can wait, oh so sweet

So, wherever you are, however far,

when you’re ready, you can ask me how I am

[acadelblog]

Destiny Is Ours

but sing to me softly

you know how fragile i can be

nevermind the one way ticket

be it now or we’ll never make it

you’re what i’ve been looking for

been a year, but im still not sure

if these feelings are fleeting

or i’m just denying

maybe there’s something here, i cant lie

but will we be like this ‘till we die?

innocent and intense

boy, you know i’m tensed

when it comes to words, i got none

it roots back to where i came from

words were poison

drunk like a potion

need to dig deep

but those arent cheap

they come with a price

and sometimes it’s not nice

so lie with me

let’s chase the stars, b

maybe this destiny is ours,

maybe nothing can tear us apart

[acadelblog]

Gold

So what if I’m a lil messed up in the head Would you want me otherwise? Baby, it’s been about you since you got here Can I take some time for me? Or are you going to take that too? See, if you knew me Then you’d know That this heart isn’t gold It’s not what you’re looking for No happily ever after Just a messed up household So, am I your nightmare now? Isn’t this what you wanted? I’m all dizzy in the head With all this you you business Boy, I’m not lying You can be the one I just can’t be it for you Would you forgive me after? I guess forever wasn’t in our favor after all I’m messed up in the head This heart isn’t gold And I’m a nightmare But I could’ve sworn You were the one

[acadelblog]

I hear voices telling me to, “get out, get out!”

Friday night

The moon is high

I’m on the end of the line

Take me home

Even though I’m already there

Take it away, b

I’m lacking on love

Just like Abel

Give me a taste

Maybe it will stick

I hear voices

Telling me to

Get out, get out

But i don’t know

Where I’m going

I have everything

But it doesn’t seem like it

How could I enjoy this

If everyone is treated like shit

Take us away, b

Will tomorrow be better

Or the years to come

Will they find love

Again, where’s better?

Cause this place don’t feel like home

[acadelblog]

Singleness as Empowerment

Maybe being single doesn’t have to mean loneliness but rather empowerment.

As the days go by, loneliness has become my company. I usually like to ignore her but she’s always there almost like a shadow. I never really mined Loneliness, I was aware of her existence but never confirmed it, never made much of a fuss compared to others. But now, it has become evident, as I cry on mute while my boyfriend is on the phone. It seems petty especially since there really is no reason behind it. I think I felt more frustrated than I was hurt. Up to this point, I feel like I’ve been burying things for the longest time because I’ve always believed that others are having it worse than I am or I’m not allowed to feel this way. But now, i don't know. Despite being in a room full of people who surely love me, I feel lonely. 

The thing nobody really talks about but acts like we should talk about it is, loneliness. Nobody wants to hear that you’ve had a bad day unless it’s coming from them. I know this because I’m like this as well. Sometimes I just wish I could disappear. I want to not know anyone. I want to not have to answer to anyone and worry whether I’m pleasing them or not. I’m constantly on my toes, wondering when another person will implode. I worry that in my 40s (if ever everything will work out) that I would then discover that I had not lived. I miss who I’m supposed to be. I miss having time for myself. 

I begin to wonder if I’m worth anything at all?

I’ve been wondering, who am I?

Although this seems depressing, I’ve discovered moments before my breakdown that those moments alone, watching Netflix and getting crazed over Gabriel in Emily in Paris, made me laugh and smile for the first time this week. I haven’t felt that joy in a while. I like to keep it. But at least I had those moments than not.

So, for my single ladies and men out there, enjoy it while you can. Having someone to wake up to or talk to at 12 in the morning may be fun, but the downsides are just as hard as the good things are fun. Find what empowers you in being single whether that be watching Netflix or reading all day.

“Life can be wonderful as well as terrible, and we shall increasingly have the power to make life good. Since human history may be only just beginning, we can expect that future humans, or supra-humans, may achieve some great goods that we cannot now even imagine.”

[acadelblog]

i saved myself

Sometimes I wonder if this is all there is to life. 

I compare my life to others and I ask myself, why don’t I have it bad like them? The people around me are suffering more than I am. Why is that? What have I done to contribute to their sufferings? It’s a privilege to be able to think about what you want in life but what about those who can’t? What about those you have been pushed to the life they have because there was no other choice? Or because no one else told them they can have it the other way? Why have our lives become like this? I wish I did something before the storm. Instead, I try my best to be there but I always fail. Then, I wonder if I will fail for all my life. I would think about being a parent and I think I can be good but not perfect. But then, I wonder, can I carry every baggage that comes with it all? Can I move on while I know others aren’t able to move forward? 

Maybe life can taste as good as wine; sweet but strong. I wonder what I did to deserve such a privileged life. Why did I get to choose and they didn’t? What have I done to take away those choices from them?

If I could go back, dear God, I would. I would’ve been smarter. I could've saved you the trouble the way I saved myself. Why couldn’t I do the same to others? Why couldn’t I save them too?

[acadelblog]

The Thing About Anxiety

Each person has their own version of anxiety. I think during this quarantine, it has intensified, for me at least. Recently, I’ve been getting more anxious than usually. Right now, as I’m writing, I’m getting anxious and I’m unable to sleep despite not having coffee. I’ve been thinking about the ORG and how much I don’t want to do it or how I’ve been avoiding my responsibilities. Some say, it’s good to have anxiety (depending on the situation) because it’s a sign that you’re going out of your comfort zone. This would also be helpful because you will grow from it. I don’t feel like I’m growing, if anything, I feel worse with each day it happens. I worry how I would be in the future. How will I get a job if I can’t work with people? This is my main worry since I’m technically an adult. I wonder what would happen if I declined the offer but still be in the ORG, just be a participant. I knew I wasn’t ready to be in such a position yet here I am. Every time they would announce that there was a meeting, I would be in panic mode. I would feel ashamed because I did not accomplish anything. Although I know my department isn’t exactly my ORG’s first priority. Still, I feel like I failed.

[acadelblog]

Dear Old Souls

Dear old souls,

Has the world been treating u well? Is everybody safe and sound? Has everything fallen into its own place? Are you right where you want to be?

Living in Isolation has its benefits for safety. However, the streets aren’t as welcoming as they used to be. It’s more deserted and lonesome. 

I can’t get Guilt out of the house. It grumbles like the child he is. He constantly needs attention. Time to time, I would forget that Guilt is there but when he appears, I lay paralyzed, not knowing what I should do. I tried to feed him, clothe him, but he won’t go away. I wonder how long he planned to stay.

Anger seems to be here all day, constantly breathing down your neck. He’s the love you once knew. Someone whom you thought you can open up to. Anger has a different motive, always wanting to prove he’s better than most. Anger is always vocal, maybe even a little too vocal. He word-vomits everything but we never know where it comes from. Anger is here to stay.

When it rains, Lonely makes his visit in Isolation. He’s always in bed and eats too little. He has friends to talk to you but none he connects to. Lonely never felt like he belonged anywhere. It may not bother him but it did bother everyone else. He was frequently asked to, “get up and get a life.” That’s why Lonely only visits during the rain.

In sunny days and clear skies, there’s nothing better to do than spend time with Love. He’s someone you forget during busy hours. Sometimes he’s there and sometimes he’s not. But Love has never left. Summer is Love’s favorite season. We wish we’ve gotten more of him because every time Love would leave, there’s a warmth we feel. We neglect Love and we cry about Love but he’s just a visitor, never really here to stay.

How about you? How has the world been treating you?

Yours, 

Time

[acadelblog]

What Time Favors

As I stayed home one evening,

There was no one on the street,

No lovers before dawn

With loneliness as my company,

We play a song,

To fill each other without grape

And maybe the night can be young again.

“I’ll be missing you

In every gloomy day

In the space between black and white,

I’ll be missing us.

I seek you in sunrise,

And when midnight comes

I’ll be looking at the stars,

But I’ll be gazing at you.”

Yet the days blend together

And the clocks are snoozed

‘Til the last minutes of the day;

Time favors no tomorrows

Look into the screens

Of the ones you think you know

See the laughs and sorrows

And wonder what you’ve missed.

The chatter over coffee,

The slow mornings in the cafeteria,

And behind every door, opens

To people you’ve been hoping to see

Another stroll down the hallway,

Maybe this will do

To remember what has been lost,

To have courage to live anew

‘O stare, stare at the screen

They fill the void as you weep;

“Love your strange friends,

With your strange heart”.

It was late, late in the evening,

The lovers did not meet;

The clocks were silent

As the screens were turned off.

[acadelblog]

Nolan’s Interstellar

Imagine the world covered in dust and constantly using masks and goggles to protect yourself. Imagine having nothing left to eat but corn and hoping it won’t poison you. Imagine mankind on the brink of extinction. Can you see it? Nolan depicts this in his film: Interstellar. 

We follow the life of Cooper, a retired NASA pilot currently living the quiet life of a farmer but he was never fully satisfied with it. 

One day, a drone flew over the cornfield and Cooper brought it home, facing a gravitational anomaly. By encoding a location that leads him to an underground facility, he is reunited with his former director, Professor Brand. The professor introduces Amelia, Professor Brand's daughter, Romilly, and Doyle, NASA's most brilliant scientists and researchers. 

Their first location was planet Miller, but when they arrived there was nothing left and an enormous time slippage was ensued: one hour there is seven years back on Earth. When they returned home, several lives was lost and possibly not enough are left to save. They continued their journey. 

They arrive at Mann's planet and found Dr. Mann, one of the first astronauts sent by NASA. The original plan was to find another home, start a colony and repopulate. In the end, Dr. Mann betrayed them by lying about the data on his planet, turning against the mission. He doesn't last long though and ends up exploding in his spaceship due to his own cowardice. 

Amelia is drawn to the third planet, Edmund. Cooper assumes this is because of her feelings for Dr. Edmund. Amelia says in the film, “Love isn't something we invented, it’s observable, powerful. Why shouldn’t it mean something?... Maybe it means more, something we can’t yet understand. Maybe it’s some evidence, some artifact of higher dimensions that we can’t consciously perceive. I’m drawn across the universe to someone I haven't seen for a decade, who I know is probably dead. Love is the one thing we are capable of perceiving that transcends dimensions of time and space.” 

However, Cooper devises a way for Amelia to check Edmond's planet anyway while he tends to the wormhole, putting himself at risk more than Amelia. They go their separate ways. 

The wormhole is placed in a three dimensional tesseract created by a five dimensional "being". In between what seems like millions of stripped like corners, he rewatches the last moments he spent in his daughter's room from the viewpoint of a bookshelf. Murphy, Cooper's daughter, called it a ghost because she believed someone was trying to communicate with her. Later, he finds out he can send a message to Murphy through the watch he left her. They communicated through Morse code. TARS, Cooper's robot, was doubtful she could ever decipher the message. 

The tesseract begins to close up, revealing a blinding light. Then we see Cooper on a hospital bed in Saturn. He looks outside the window from his room, marveling at the literal sphere-shaped planet and realizing one thing: they had saved mankind. 

Cooper discovers his daughter has grown frail and old. She sends him off by saying “No parent should have to watch their child die”. Cooper and TARS take off to find a new home for themselves, maybe one shared between Cooper and Amelia. 

Others were confused with Nolan's change of pace in the storyline, but I was always curious about the different degrees of love and how subjective it is. While others were discovering the scientific conclusion of the film, I was in awe of Cooper and Murphy's love and connection, and their ability to communicate, transcending time. 

Only in love and our connection with others can we give out the hope we need for a better tomorrow. It takes two to save the world but it takes one feeling to change the scope of mankind. 

One of my favorite lines from the film was said by Professor Brand: "Do not go gentle into that good night; old age should burn and rave at close of day. Rage, rage against the dying of the light."

[acadelblog]

TAKING TIME FOR GRANTED

Six months since lockdown has passed. Six long dreadful isolated months. It’s difficult to grasp how much time has passed. And before we know it, school starts in a couple of days.

As I sit at home watching k-drama, I'm struck with the sudden realization that I've wasted my time slacking around not really fulfilling anything. The only thing that seems fulfilling to me is the number of books I've read. To some, the numbers may be few but to me I’ve never read as much as I have within those 6 months. And I was able to film at least one video. I was able to meet that one goal. But the panic still comes. I know I could've done so much more with my time yet I didn't. I can't help but feel like I took my time for granted. But I think I understand why I'm having this sudden panic and realization at the same time: school.

School starts in two days and I'm excited to work for my future, to learn, to interact, and to create. Recently, I've been having this feeling that I'm waiting for something to happen in order to get my life together. I think this is it.

There is so much crap going on in the world and I lie awake sometimes thinking if the end is near. But being in lockdown and being isolated from people is an introvert’s dream. It gives us the advantage of not being able to deal with other people’s crap. It helps decrease social anxiety and solely lets us focus on our work diligently. On the other hand, this may be an extrovert's worst nightmare although I wouldn't know. But I do understand that it gets lonely whether or not you’re either.

It’s nice and maybe even a privilege to have something to look forward to. To even have something that fulfills you but the nagging is still there. The nagging feeling that you have not done anything grand with your time that “rest” does not qualify for time worthy makes me guilty like how a person feels guilty for eating too much.

How could I have let six months go in a blink of an eye?

[acadelblog]

yester-us

It’s crazy to think that despite the years that passed, I still think about you every once in a while. But not in the way I used to. I no longer think of you in pain, in longing, in what if, in love. I think of you in a way I would’ve thought of an old friend. I think of you in how are you?

I used to think that in a couple of years I would’ve forgotten how to utter your name. It’s been four years since. Sometimes I close my eyes, see your name and I can almost remember what it was like to talk to you. I am almost brought back in time to yester-us.

I try my best not to wonder if you still think of me like a passing thought. Whether or not you want to know what it’s like to hear my voice again, to hear me speak your name like the first time. And if you spoke mine, would you mind that lingering feeling in your tongue? Would you realize how much you missed your favorite name?

4 years ago feels like 4 decades ago yet that feeling of wonder remains here, hidden in the deepest and closed parts of my heart.

Our mutual friend would tell me if you were thinking of how I was. You never really knew if I thought about you at all. But what seems to satisfy you is knowing that I would receive your message. Your kamusta. I didn’t get to tell you this at the time but yes, I am fine now.

But I haven’t heard from you since the last message. Now, it’s me who wonders. But we’re both in relationships now and we are both genuinely happy. The bond we had and the sadness we shared will bind us together like invisible strings. We are so close yet lightyears away from each other.

But I know you miss me like the way I miss you; gone but not forgotten.

Perhaps that’s what it means to be a first love.

[acadelblog]

JACK OF ALL TRADES: MASTER OF ALL

They say it’s better to have a wide variety of skills but I don’t want it to stop there.

I guess you can say I had a knack for almost everything. Well, not necessarily everything; I write decently, I’m good with a brush, and I have a fair amount of knowledge on filming. Needless to say that doesn’t mean I didn’t wish I was good at other things like dancing, singing and playing at least one musical instrument ferociously.

Minutes ago, I saw an old friend of mine doing a dance cover on Instagram and she did it well. More than that, she danced like Adam Sevani. She wasn’t your typical wannabe dancer. She can actually bust a groove. But the thing that got to me was the way she moved, that’s how I would’ve liked to dance had I have the talent. Her movements were smooth and flawless. It was like the music was matching her moves than the other way around. When we were classmates in the 4th Grade, we had a dance performance as a class and even back then I knew she was graceful though her motions then were simpler, now it is at its almost final bloom.

I had this friend, once, who was a lover of music. I didn’t really like his voice because he exerted too much effort. But the way he played the piano in the dining room, I swear I could’ve fallen in love with the way his fingers grazed the keyboards. My heart was in awe and I felt this hollow softness in my chest one would feel in a live performance. But this was better because it felt more personal, he was playing for two people; himself and me. If I could play just one instrument, it would have to be the piano. I’ve never felt that way with any music piece, ever. I would’ve wanted my music to inspire someone like that. To give of that unknown feeling. That feeling you won’t ever forget.

I grew up desiring these assets. I remember being envious second to amazement. Even to this day, I wished these factors were mine to share. It was the sort of talent that showed confidence with a hint of pure enjoyment.

See when I would sketch, write, sometimes even film, I was half enjoying myself while the other half of me was trying to prove something to someone or myself. Maybe that’s why my works are half brilliant because my attention span is half. I’m constantly overthinking everything and not in an artistic perfectionistic way but in a what-would-someone-think-of-this type of way. I’m always thinking about what others would think; would it be too cringe, too corny? Is there a point to what I’m saying? Will people understand? Do they care?

In the midst of all those questions and thoughts, a glint of answer pops in my head. Something that calms me down; maybe it’s not about it being perfect. Maybe it’s about figuring out what to say and saying it with meaning. Maybe that’s what any art form truly is.

[acadelblog]

SCHEDIOS

Sketch was derived from the Greek word, schedios which means “done extempore”. 

This was the first sketch I’ve done in a long time and surprisingly it felt good. What was even more surprising is the outcome. I know it’s no Portrait of a Lady on Fire but I was happy with it. I could’ve done so much worse.

Since quarantine, I’ve been wanting to sell art. I think I even dreamt of this since I was a kid. Growing up, I knew I wanted to be an artist though I did not know what that meant, I knew if I was to be anything, it would be that. It was all I knew. I wasn’t smart enough to go into law or medicine. I wasn’t resourceful enough to be a business student or practical enough to enjoy something like accounting. I’m not even creative enough to be who I want to be.

But here I am, trying at least. I do wonder if I’m ever going to do all the things I daydream of doing. I would love to earn enough money to buy my own camera and laptop. I want to learn more about scriptwriting, cinematography, and art mediums. I aspire to live the creative life.

If there’s one thing all creators have in common it’s this: putting yourself out there is the first step to living that life.

But I worry that something I love so much could be the thing I will resent the most. I don’t ever want that to happen. Art has been my mentor, my teacher, my friend, even my guidance counselor. I sound like a complete loner but I just indulge in my own solitude. Art has been my companion since I knew how to pick up a pencil. It is a part of me and will always be no matter where time decides to put me in.

[acadelblog]

THE ART OF NOT BEING GOOD ENOUGH

What does it mean to be enough?

One person said, “you don’t have to be more, or do more, or buy more to be who you are meant to be.”

I’d like to think that’s a person’s incompetent way out, to justify their laziness. Not unless you have”it”. Yes, what “it” am I talking about? It is the mysterious quality one possesses without applying much effort. They are simply “born with it”, “blessed”, or “God’s favorite” whatever helps to keep your esteem from getting any lower.

But where does the “good” come in? Does it imply that “good” isn’t enough or maybe being “good” is being “enough”.

One of my closest friends posted a practice film on Instagram. That statement itself already sounds like it’s already going down hill. At first, I was in awe and filled with pride. But milliseconds later, the Art came crashing down. For someone who has been out of the filming game, that person was able to bounce back with greatness. I believe there’s a similarity to an artist’s work that would best describe him and my friend had this; confidence. Not necessarily arrogance but rather being able to see what you are capable of doing despite your lack of resources. Honestly, almost everyone in my field has a touch of brilliance in them. Some don’t acknowledge it but others just go for it, without much thought. They know when to take a stand. Even so, it’s there, I used to see it everyday. Maybe that’s why I’ve always been awkward around most people because they hold a trait that I didn’t and maybe a part of me, without knowing it, envied them. 

Recently, I’ve been getting a lot of the Art thoughts and I’ve been trying to come to terms with it without actually coming to terms with it a.k.a denying that I wasn’t having the Art thoughts and trying to prove to myself that I was enough by trying to pressure myself to make art. How did this end up you might ask? I ended up feeling worse because I wasn’t seeing what I wanted to see. However I don’t believe it ended up not the way I wanted because of my motives. I’ve been trying to make art for as long as I can remember. Heck, I can even remember the first time I held a crayon yet no matter how much time has passed and how much pencils I’ve put down, the results never end up like the image in my mind; not just with sketching but with filming and writing too. I always daydream about how successful I’m going to be or how happy I will be once I have some sort of achievement. But things never end up the way I imagine them. This isn’t an exaggeration; it never does. Never. I wonder if it’s because I think too much of it instead of just doing it. Maybe that’s what robs me of my potential. Maybe I’m just one of those people who have to work twice as hard as others. Maybe I haven’t dug deep enough to find out what it is I want to say, what it is I can offer. Maybe I’ve been around with the wrong types of people; people who can’t go with the flow with me. Maybe I’ve kept myself from excellence because of comfort, because I don’t know the advantages and disadvantages of it and just comfortable it’s going to be. Maybe I’ve never seen it with my own eyes and I’m just scared of the responsibility it carries. Or to put it simply, maybe I’m just a coward. Whichever one, I hope I can figure it out because life is a marathon and time is catching up to me.

[acadelblog]

THIS IS HOW IT HAPPENS

This is how it happens. We lose track of each other and for once it isn’t because of me. But that is fine. I prefer it that way, enjoy it even. I get to miss you and you miss me. We lose track of words. I’m starting to forget how you look sometimes. You miss me. I forget what you smell like, what you taste like, what you sound like and you still miss me. I forget how you skin feels under my fingertips yet you still miss me. I start to lose track of words. We get heated because we keep missing each other. I grow distant and you are still missing me. I lose my voice and you want to see me but I’m okay with where I am. In the end, you will still miss me.

[acadelblog]

I TURNED 20

I was almost not going to post this video due to what’s happening in our country. I feared something terrible would happen if I used my voice to take a stand. However, I realized later that the only terrible thing I could do is to not be vocal about what’s happening, to choose to turn a blind eye, to choose my fear over what is actually courageous, to choose silence. This point in time has stirred something within all of us. I’ve seen it in social media posts that more people are paying attention now than they were a year ago. I know because I was one of them; the ignorant and the privileged. And I guess as of now, I no longer have the luxury to be that way. Please do take the time to educate yourself. Don’t be afraid. This is something we all have to do together.