#selfpity

[depressedmelody11]

I feel shi+

Idk how to feel better

I cannot cry but i try to, maybe it will help somehow

Im angry maybe? At myself? Scared of the future?

Trying to make sense of this.

Im disappointed at myself now that I'm thinking about it

I feel like im failing

[unfoldingmoments]

The Obsession with Me, Myself and I, Self-Pity & Self-Hate

When people lack relationships with others, they tend to rely on their inner thoughts for assurance, affirmation, and guidance.

While this inner voice, which is also known as our conscience, can serve as a helpful tool to convict us when we do wrong, when we have no other voice of reason to rely on, it can also drive us to make impulsive decisions.

Human beings were built for relationships. After God created Adam, He stated it was not good for man to be alone and made him a suitable partner to share his duties with.

Evidently, when a person struggles to relate to others, they stop reaching out to other people and instead withdraw within themselves. This is how the obsession with ‘me, myself, and I’ is born.

Some people may argue they cannot be obsessed with themselves since they do not conflate their self-worth. But that’s just it; the fixation on self does not necessarily have to take on the form of arrogance or pride.

On the contrary, people can become obsessed with themselves by harboring self-deprecating thoughts that highlight their weaknesses.

Just like an individual who is obnoxiously full of themselves can construct a world that revolves around how “amazing” they are, someone with low self-esteem can create a reality where they are the worst person to have ever walked the earth.

Both ends of the spectrum are equally dangerous since preoccupation with self leads to selfishness, self-pity, and self-hate.

Can I let you in on a little secret? Making everything about what you think and how you feel is the quickest way to sabotage relationships because selfishness and self-centered thinking is the primary cause of conflicts, disagreements, and dissension.

In fact, scripture is very clear about emphasizing the importance of selflessness, and the greatest example it gives revolves around Christ Himself. Since Christ loved us so much, we should also be willing to give up our lives for our brothers and sisters.

Obviously, this is not possible if we are only thinking about ourselves.

Quit Daydreaming: How to Wake Up & Break Free (Part 3): Day 2 • Devotional https://www.bible.com/reading-plans/41788/day/2?segment=0

[littletealight]

Wits end with Money

Wits end with Money

So this is a continuation of something from the last post. I may talked about it before how I am currently living with my roommate and have been scrambling around for a job and even applying for SSI which would literally just be rent and saving up for a car because where I live is not walking friendly. Well my roommate is currently going nuts with spending, like to the point of one cc getting…

[iankarlo]

Night Market Foodtrip | 33rd

Another busy day. I have been dealing with multiple jobs earlier and it is driving me crazy. There are so many concerns and there are so many additional items in my model and I am really getting crazy. 

It kinda lighter feeling although I am busy the entire day. I managed to work on the things I need to work on and I am happy that somehow I am progressing. 

It took me sometime to deal with it and I think I am running out of time. I badly wanted it to be out as early as this month so I am hopeful that I can have a good salary this coming December or maybe this January. 

Later today, I had a chance to talk to Ae. I mean although I feel like we have been distancing ourselves, I tried to make some conversation still. I just helped him a little with his decors and we are laughing around with some stuff. He laughed at my jokes and he is really cutie. I like looking at his hands cause it looks smooth and soft. He has been too serious lately so I tried not to talk to him. But yeah, I'm glad we had some interactions today. 

Also, Buloy replied to me about his video having a vaccine. He is very funny although we don't have much time to talk a lot. I wish we could have some more time to talk. I know he is busy and he is distancing to me too. I don't know what to feel exactly. I like him so much but I know he doesn't feel the same way. 

Sometimes, I hate the way I really see myself. I hate being called ugly or always in the safest zone. I know I don't look physically good that's why I am not likable plus my intimidating personality. I don't know how can I worked out on this that's why sometimes, I just feel like I wanted to change everything in myself so I will look better. I really hate how I see myself in the mirror and how my body and face looks like. I know this sounds self pity but honestly, this is how I feel. 

How can I make myself lovable?

Anyway, let's stop our drama. My friends and I supposed to eat siomai as our merienda and we ended up eating in night market food stalls. We ordered Chicken Inasal and bought some barbecue. We had fun and I really enjoyed laughing around with them. It somehow lessen the overthinking in my head. 

I feel happy yet I feel sad. 

Love always,

iankarlo

[gpuzzle]

starting to feel like I am utterly incapable of being loved; that everyone just sees me as a fucked up adult child due to being a literal sperg; and that I will forever be deeply alone, no matter how much I try to get out of my shell, thereby casting me onto the role of outsider forever.

I hate this so goddamn much.

[mutalune]

really wish there was a tag that separated “I’m having Big Angry and/or Angsty Opinions about Star Wars” from “I’m goofing off with Star Wars I’m playing in the sandbox none of this is real so yes I will make my blorbo and this random glub shitto go on an adventure that makes no logical sense” posts because there’s too much of the former and not enough of the latter for my current mental state

[pissy-lissy]

I found out yesterday that the two American frat bros I met ten years ago during my gap year are getting married to each other. They were only best friends back then and even then I was pretty envious because they had such a special friendship.

And now they are actually together and happy and engaged. And I am really happy for them, but also incredibly sad, because I am really lonely atm and I never figured out how to be in a relationship with another woman. I am still partly closeted and dating is hard and only being brave enough to acknowledge your queerness in your late 20s makes you miss a lot of stuff.

I hate that I can't just be happy for two queer people who found love and that it always makes me feel like I am missing something essential.

[mitamicah]

I don't know if something about gender euphoria would make it better or worse? If you think it'd make you feel worse, please don't read On Saturday I discovered my first mustache hairs, and I can't stop feeling them and smiling. There was so many times I thought it would never get better. But it did.

This is so cool!!! I am so happy for you dude 😍🥹🫶

It is the small things that makes it worth it 🥹

[notmysophie]

Hozier is performing an hour and a half away from me tonight and I can't be there because I am fucking broke. I can't even mope about it properly because I have rehearsals. Guess I'll just have to comfort myself with the thought that we will be on stage at the same time in the same country...

[kinokochouchou]

at the start of vacation I was feeling kinda OK, but now I am back to my depression self and social anxious self. I just want to freely go around look at people without feeling like very mentally unhealthy shivering small dog

[depressedmelody11]

I want to cry

[daisies-once-more]

i miss myself from middle school and high school so fucking much... i was so so smart and talented and driven and fucking organized and now i cant even fucking read because i get distracted and i forget everything and i miss my assignments and hate my classes...

for the longest time all i had was school... i knew i wasn't particularly attractive and i didn't have many friends and i got made fun of a couple times but i was always so fucking smart so everything was okay. but then i get to college and suddenly everyone's smarter that me and i struggle so much to keep up and even though now i have some real friends i love i find myself feeling so empty and dumb, like i'm leeching off their wonderful qualities and they'll realize soon enough i'm just an angry idiot that makes them miserable with my own issues

[zamusvstheworld]

as we attempt to resist capitalist deep-conditioning it only makes it more unbearable yours wimpishly, a severely sheltered, developmentally stunted and defeated individual

[widowmaker]

Knowing how my father is, I'm thinking he really really shouldnt have passed on his genetics whatsoever

[inkats]

update on this. i would say 4 big losses today and then. 1 small win.

i really need a win can something turn up inkats please.

[tumbleweed-writes]

Death and the Lady: Chibs Telford X Reader: Chapter Three

Chapter Two found HERE

Chapter Three: Roses

She was almost amazed she’d managed to keep her cool after the horrible deed she’d just completed for SAMCRO. Y/N was astonished she’d been so calm and cool throughout both the task and the aftermath.

She’d been able to maintain the appearance of a competent, professional, and caring funeral director as she’d worked helping show possible options for caskets, discussed burial plots, cost of embalming, an obituary, flower arrangements, and viewings. 

One of Charming California’s most prominent restaurateurs, Jonathan Meyer, had not noticed anything amiss as he’d spoken with Y/N about funeral arrangements for his late grandmother. 

No one would be none the wiser about the fact that three members of SAMCRO had just recently been in her place of business and retrieved a corpse from Y/N. She cringed knowing that there would be a buried empty casket by this time next week and the dead man’s family would never know. No one would ever know aside from SAMCRO and her. The secret would be literally six feet under in Charming’s local cemetery. 

The thought sent a chill down her spine but based on her outside appearance and behavior no one would ever guess. 

Y/N had always been gifted at compartmentalizing her emotions and thoughts. It was a necessary skill set in her line of work. One couldn’t allow negative emotions of grief or any other feelings to cloud the ability to get the job done when it came both to embalming the deceased and conducting a successful funeral service.

 She was worryingly a professional when it came to being able to shove the horrid mixture of guilt, shame, and fear back into some little drawer in her brain and keep the appearance of a professional whose only care in the world was serving the bereaved. 

Now that she was truly all alone in her office downstairs, Y/N found her brain taunting her with possibilities of just why SAMCRO even wanted two corpses from her to begin with. It was a disturbing request and one that she’d honored.

To be honest she wasn’t entirely sure she wanted to know just what the MC wanted with the dead bodies she’d provided. She had a feeling knowing just what they’d wanted with them would only trouble her further. 

It was getting late and so far she’d not heard a word from SAMCRO. She wasn’t sure if she was relieved or troubled by the silence.

Though she knew that she should go upstairs and try to wind down from the day, she found herself parked at her desk trapped in a pit of selfpity and anguish. 

Her brain taunted her with the distinct possibility of SAMCRO being caught doing whatever the hell it was they were doing, and this all leading right back to her doorstep. She knew if any of this led back to her then the fallout would be ruinous. 

It was more than just the fear of a fine or fear of possibly being arrested. It was the fear of everything she’d lose if the discovery of this horrible deed led back to her front steps. 

She knew if any of this led back to her then she’d lose literally everything she held dear and had fought to achieve. She would not only lose the respect of the community, her entire livelihood, and possibly even the home and business she’d wanted so badly to preserve. 

The years of schooling, a hard earned apprenticeship, time spent studying and testing for licensure both in New York and California would be meaningless. 

She’d lose her license and this would mean losing the family legacy she’d tried so hard to upkeep.

It wasn’t just the guilt of what she’d done and the fear of being caught that troubled her. It was the realization that Jackson freaking Teller had somehow wormed his way back into her life bringing SAMCRO right along with him.

She cringed, hating the sense that she felt as though was right back where she’d started almost a decade before. She was back to once again being entangled in SAMCRO’s world. It was a world she’d thought she’d moved on from.

She had foolishly thought the MC was a thing of her past. She wasn’t partying alongside them anymore, but she was working with them. She wasn’t sure which scenario felt worse.

She glared up at an old black and white photograph hanging on the wall in her office, the photo featuring some great grandfather of hers way back when standing by an ancient looking hearse. She felt the words slide from her lips, filled with bitterness. “I bet you never had to deal with this kind of crap when this place and gig was yours.”

She slumped back in her desk chair, her stomach and heart twisting when she spotted a small photo she kept framed on her desk. The photo of her father and she sat almost taunting her. It had been taken soon after she’d graduated from mortuary school. Her father had been so proud of her; proud she’d taken up the family legacy on her own terms and so proud she’d outgrown her wild streak running around with Jax Teller and SAMCRO.

She felt her eyes water she quick to reach up and wipe any tears that threatened to spill. A sense of shame washed over her as her mind taunted her wondering what her father would think of her now.

Her father and she may have butted heads when she’d been a rebellious teen, but she’d loved him dearly.

She missed him dearly. It had only been four months since he’d passed and to be honest she’d thrown herself into taking up the family business. Throwing herself into the family business and all the debt and dealing with her brother was far easier than facing her feelings of loss and pain. 

She’d always admired her father. It wasn’t just his dedication to the profession that she’d loved. It was everything about her dad.

Her father had been a handsome man, though a bear of a man if there ever was one. He was tall and broad shouldered. He was strong, incredibly so not just physically but mentally. 

She knew she’d gotten her smaller build from her late mother. 

Her father and her brother though both were practical lumberjacks. 

Seeing younger photos of her father made her easily understand just why her mother must have fallen for him.

Her father was handsome, strong, dependable, loyal, and proud of a profession that he viewed as being more of a service and duty to his community. 

She’d always found it a little funny. Her father, as huge and intimidating as he appeared, was so mild-mannered and calm.

He’d been a gentle parent even when she’d been going through her rebellious phase and probably needed a bit of a tougher hand. Her father had been so patient of her even offering her an escape when it had all become too much. 

Her father had taught her everything he knew about the family business. He’d started her young, being frank with her about just what the family business consisted of.

She’d still been a kid when he’d brought her downstairs and showed her the tools of the trade. 

It wasn’t until she was an adult that she’d realized that this seemingly charming, at least to her, childhood memory horrified people when she recalled it.

She guessed she got the reaction. People assumed her father had been some kind of sadist trying to torment a child far too young by exposing her both to death and the funeral business. 

She knew though that it had been more of her father’s attempt to bond with her. It was the only way he knew how to bond with his children after his wife’s death.

Most kids' dads taught them to play baseball and change oil in a car. Her dad taught her about embalming and how to change the oil in a hearse.

She knew most people would never understand the comfort she’d found surrounded by death. It was all she’d ever known after all. 

Her core memories consisted of mourners trailing in and out of the home, the fact that caskets were displayed on the first floor of her home, corpses could be found in the basement, and the realization that everyone died. 

Her father had always taught her not to fear death. The biggest lesson she’d learned was that though everyone died; dying was nothing to dread. Death was inevitable and no one could say for sure what laid beyond death. One should never spend their lives fearing the end though. If anything one should be amazed that death gave the opportunity to appreciate how beautiful life truly was. Her father had taught her that although she would die one day that she should be in awe of the fact that anyone even had the opportunity to live at all to begin with. 

During the past few years of his life her father and she had begun to have longer conversations at least once a week. They’d had much needed heart to hearts admitting mistakes they’d both made and regrets they both had.

She’d been able to hear that her father was proud of her. He was proud of the young woman she’d become.

She had been so proud of the woman she had become up until now. 

She’d been so proud that she’d turned over a new leaf and grown into a better person. This entire deal she’d made with the MC proved that she was not at all the better person she proclaimed to be.

She sighed, reaching up to toy with the small golden cross pendant hanging around her neck. 

Although she had been snarky with Jax, she could admit she was no woman scorned.

She knew way back when she was hanging around SAMCRO neither she nor Jax had any preconceived notions about just what she and he were doing. 

She had been looking for a place to rebel and an environment to escape how angry and miserable she felt and he’d been behaving just as the Prince of SAMCRO should.

She wasn’t bitter or angry about their history no matter how brief and messy it had been. 

She just hated the person she’d been back then. The girl she’d been almost ten years ago had hated everything and everyone. Most of all though, she’d hated herself.

She had looked in the mirror and had seen nothing but sadness in her features back then. 

Y/N hated who she was before.

She feared becoming that girl again, hating herself and seeing nothing but sorrow staring back at her in the mirror.

She felt her stomach twist all the further the words sliding from her lips as she tore her eyes from the photo of her father and she, the words soft . “I’m sorry, Daddy.”

She was pulled from her pity party as her cell phone chimed an unfamiliar number flashing across the screen. 

She answered the call trying to keep her voice level and peaceful as though she hadn’t been trapped in a cycle of dread. “Y/N speaking.”

“Y/N, jus the lass I was tryin to reach. Jackie Boy asked me to call ya up.” The voice on the other end of the call sounded out, it taking her brain a moment to both work through the thick Scottish accent and to realize just who was on the other end of the call.

She felt a nervous flutter in her stomach as it hit her just who she was speaking to. She could still remember the previous reaction her body had to the Scottish Son. It was something that both troubled her and excited her and she was trying to convince herself she hated it. 

She furrowed her brow, it hitting her that she didn’t even know the man’s name. No formal introductions had actually been made during the few interactions she’d had with SAMCRO lately. 

She widened her eyes as the voice sounded out again. “Y/N, lass? Are ya there?”

“I am…what can I do for you?” She remarked, snapping out of it almost dreading what response would be. 

She cringed remembering Jax’s comment about possibly needing to borrow her access to the crematorium later on. This was most likely what this call concerned.

She continued to toy with the cross pendant around her neck as the voice spoke up again. “Clay, I’m assumin ya know him…wants ta know if ya can give us access to the crematorium tomorrow nigh?”

She sighed hating that she was right on the money concerning just what this was about. “What time?”

“Late.” Was the only reply she earned.

She scoffed gazing down at the rich mahogany desktop in front of her. “How late?”

“After midnight, prolly close to bout one a.m. Keepin discreet is important.” The voice finally replied.

She glanced down at the time on her laptop, her stomach turning as she realized that it was getting late. She had a long night and a long day tomorrow that would apparently end with another long night. “Okay…I will need to be there to run the machinery…I’m not about to try to pull an innocent explanation out my ass if the damn thing got busted because I let one of you run it. I’m not coming up with a reasonable lie because some idiot screwed up an expensive piece of machinery. That thing costs a fortune and I’m not the only funeral home in the area that uses it. It’s owned by the city, local government owns the cemetery. Most of us don’t own an on site cremator so we all pay to use the thing.”

She was certain she almost heard a chuckle on the other end of the line. “Aye fair nough.”

She took a deep breath working up the nerve to say it. “I’ll expect payment of course, for my time and effort.”

The amusement still seemed to be clear in her conversation partner’s voice as he replied. “Aye o’course. Clay said yer gonna be paid well fer the favor an he appreciates yer willingness to help with future…needs.”

She felt her stomach turn it hitting her that she’d definitely set herself up for this. She had opened the door for future favors, so she shouldn’t be shocked. She needed the money badly enough to keep the door open for future favors. 

She cleared her throat trying to sound calmer than she felt. “Perfect…I’ll see you around one then.”

She paused, unable to stop herself from asking the curiosity too strong to ignore. “Uh…”

She frowned realizing she still didn’t know the Scot’s name. She wasn’t sure if it was appropriate to ask now…it just felt too awkward given the conversation.

He thankfully heard the small sound she’d made. “Aye?”

She spoke knowing it was now or never. “Everything turned out okay…with you know? Uh…the cups of sugar. Nothing went wrong?”

Chibs snickered as it hit him exactly what she was hinting at, recalling her words to Jax as he’d first requested the bodies from her: you aren’t asking me to let you borrow a freaking cup of sugar here.

“Nah, no issues on our end love.” He remarked, deciding to leave out some of the more exciting details about just all that had happened today. What she didn’t know didn’t hurt her.

She felt her heart race at the word love. She pushed back the reaction it gave her. She ignored the slight flush to her cheeks and the voice in the back of her head that claimed she could get accustomed to being called love as she spoke. “Oh, uh…good to hear…I think.”

She frowned, hating how awkward she felt. She hated feeling as though the man on the other end of the call and the men he associated with had the upper hand here. 

“Aye, told ya it’d turn out. I don’t make a habit of lyin to pretty lasses.�� Chibs was quick to reply the comment making her cheeks flush all the darker.

She spoke a small huff leaving her not missing the attempt to flirt. “I highly doubt that. I’ll see you gentlemen later, tomorrow night at the agreed time. Don’t be late…again.”

And with that she hung up ignoring the strange cocktail of fear, anxiety, shame, and desire for her caller that washed over her.

She groaned, dropping her cell on her desk. She took a deep breath trying to calm her racing heart and the strange sense of lust perking up in her. This was so not what she needed. She refused to go down that path. She was not the girl who got all hot and bothered just because the intimidating biker was flirting…even if that intimidating biker did have a lovely accent and equally lovely eyes and dimples. 

She stared back up that same photo of her great grandfather that she’d gazed at earlier, a bitter sigh escaping her lips. “You so didn’t have to put up with this bullshit when the gig was yours.”

==================================================

Chibs smirked as he hung up his cell having to feel pleased as can be with himself even as she’d abruptly ended the call and hadn’t exactly responded to his attempts to flirt as eagerly as he’d hoped.

He had the distinct feeling Y/N was going to prove to be a challenge. It was a refreshing realization. The croweaters around the club were not a challenge. They required no effort at all.

He had to like the concept that Y/N was the kind of girl who required an effort. Although he could admit he found it intimidating.

It had been a long time since he had to put in effort when it came to a woman.

He could admit he found himself at a loss as to why he was so eager to put in the effort. 

The easiest answer he could pull together was that he found her fascinating and he was curious. 

He knew of course that curiosity killed the cat, but he’d never been one to shy away from the threat of being killed.

He was unable to resist saving the number to his contacts before he dropped the cell on the bar in front of him. 

He nodded to the croweater behind the bar as she eagerly poured him a glass of Jameson. 

Just a week ago he would have probably been tempted to drag the croweater away for a little bedroom entertainment, but he found himself disinterested in the concept.

He was surprised to find that there was only one woman he wouldn’t mind having some bedroom time with.

He easily found his brain remembering those curves and those legs of hers and how it was a damn shame those legs had been hidden under tights today. He wouldn’t mind having those legs wrapped around him. He also was quite able to vividly recall the incredible cleavage he’d spotted that first meeting in the crematorium. He would be quite happy to bury his face against that cleavage. He was certain he could die happy with his face buried there and the lower part of his anatomy buried in what lay between those glorious legs of hers. 

He shifted in his seat, the thought exciting him. He took a slow sip from his drink doing all he could to not allow his brain to slide down the rabbit hole of lust. 

He could remember Juice’s comment that Y/N was spooky but hot.

Chibs had to admit he found her to be less spooky though she did frighten him a little…or at least the thoughts he had about her frightened him.

Her job was intense to say the least, but Chibs had never been one to shy away from the intense. The morbid nature of her job didn’t trouble him as much as it probably should.

He was too entranced by her to pay too much thought to the fact that she embalmed and buried the dead for a living.

She was morbid but somehow tantalizing. She seemed elegant, confident, and intelligent. Those weren’t qualities he’d found with a woman he’d pursued since Fiona.

The thought was terrifying. 

He cringed at the thought of his estranged wife and the history related to her and he. There was a lot of pain there. It wasn’t a trip down memory lane he wanted to go down, not when he was currently infatuated with an entirely different woman.

He glanced up from his drink as Bobby dropped down beside him giving him a nod. “You get everything settled with her?”

“Aye, she’ll meet us tomorrow. She’ll run tha machinery at her insistence. We jus gotta bring the payment.” Chibs replied a small smirk crossing his features as he remembered her comment about just why she had to run the crematorium. 

He was once again amused that she was ballsy enough to be just a little insulting by essentially implying they were idiots who would break the cremator if she didn’t run it herself. He had a feeling he’d not exactly tolerate the disrespect from a woman who he didn’t fancy.

Bobby raised an eyebrow spotting the hint of a look he’d never seen on Chibs’ face before. He quickly connected the dots that the somewhat lovesick smirk on Chibs’ lips and the SONS new associate at the funeral home were connected.

He spoke, deciding to keep the comment casual. “Interesting having her back in town…Y/N. Thought she’d never show up again after she left.”

“Aye? How’d she leave?” Chibs replied, that spark of curiosity bubbling up in him again.

Bobby shrugged accepting his own drink from the croweater behind the bar. “Nothing too dramatic, not really my place to say. It seemed like she just stopped coming around one day, next thing anyone knows her dad shipped her out east. She was pretty young though. Shit just probably got to be too intense for her.”

Chibs dared to ask though he’d already asked Jax a similar question. He wasn’t entirely satisfied with the reply he’d gotten from Jax. “Aye, she mentioned bein a club hanground.”

He paused, gazing at the croweater uncertain of how to broach the subject. He spoke again, deciding to be a little more tactful even though he didn’t particularly care what the croweater thought about how the Sons viewed her. “Was she one of our Friday nigh lasses?”

Bobby shook his head, a small smirk crossing his lips. “Not exactly. To be honest I think most of the guys around here were intimidated by the fact that her daddy could bury us alive literally…a few nomads weren’t so wise but…like I said she wasn’t what you’re thinking. Shit was complicated.”

He paused the next statement only making Chibs feel more frustrated. “Not my story to tell though. It’s been almost a decade, pretty sure most of us who were around back then have killed a few brain cells since then to fully recall every last detail.”

Chibs resisted the urge to remark that he was sick of hearing that line: It’s not my story to tell.

Chibs shifted in his seat the conversation doing little to sate his curiosity. It only left him feeling more intrigued. He wanted to know just what was so complicated.

Y/N was definitely a puzzle he wanted to solve. He was determined to solve it.

—----------------------------------------------

Y/N was relieved to pull up to the crematorium late the next night to see that the SONS were actually on time.

It seemed that lateness was only a trait Jax Teller held.

She tried to keep her cool as she shut off her engine of her little black 2003 Acura and exited the car her purse held tight in her grasp.

She busied herself digging through the purse for the keys to access the crematorium as she approached the line of motorcycles and one unremarkable looking white van. She easily realized that a boring white van might be favorable for a more discreet task. After all, a van attracted far less attention than Harleys.

She cringed as another familiar Son approached her; she just as displeased to see him as she’d been to see Jax Teller. “Doll, can’t thank you enough for doing this.”

She gave Tig Trager one small glance before focusing back on the contents of her purse. “Don’t thank me.”

He held his hands up in mock defeat he fast to reply. “Still charming as always.”

“Same could be said for you.” She remarked fast to reply to the observation.

If her mood wasn’t sour enough another person she wasn’t entirely pleased with approached her. Jax speaking. “Thanks for the favor darlin”

“Don’t thank her.” Tig was fast to remark, parroting the words she’d said earlier.

She rolled her eyes not wanting to engage with either man. Though Tig and she didn’t exactly share the same history Jax and she shared, she was still not looking to chat like old times with the Son.

Chatting like old buddies with either man made her feel too much like the angry young woman she’d once been, the one who hated herself and didn’t care what happened to her. 

Chibs stood aside with Juice and Half Sack observing the exchange. He raised an eyebrow sensing Y/N’s sour mood.

He had a feeling it was about to get more bitter once she saw just why they needed access to the crematorium.

He approached Juice and Half Sack following along beside him. The prospect spoke nodding to her car. “You drive an Acura?”

She rolled her eyes as she finally located the necessary keys. “The hearse attracts too much attention…besides the casket I have in the back rattles around the backend when I drive. It’s kind of distracting.”

She felt a small sense of satisfaction when she noticed the young man’s face pale at the latter part of her statement. She’d found, as cruel as it was, that it was far too easy to screw around with people when they asked her stupid questions. 

It wasn’t exactly something she made a habit of. She usually prided herself in being able to make death and the funeral business less terrifying and intimidating to the average public. 

She had to enjoy making the members of SAMCRO feel uneasy though. It was kind of an ego trip seeing the definition of danger get nervous over some bullshit she told them about her job.

Chibs smirked, only allowing Half Sack to fret for a brief moment before he gave him a smack on the back of the head. “She’s fuckin with ya, ya half nutted muppet.”

She furrowed her brow not missing the half nutted comment. She shoved the question dancing around on the end of her tongue about this statement back telling herself she didn’t want to know.

She ignored the little playful smile Chibs tossed her way. She did her best to pretend she wasn’t reminded of the feelings that had washed over her during the phone call they’d shared the day before. 

The Scottish Son was an interesting one. She was finding it hard not to admit this to herself.

She spoke holding the keys up. “I’ll unlock the doors.”

She cringed her stomach dropping as Tig spoke nodding to both Half Sack and Juice. “Get the bodies.”

She took a deep breath trying to calm her nerves. Of course there were bodies. She wasn’t naive enough to think they needed to borrow her access to the cremator without there being bodies to cremate.

She felt bile rise in her throat refusing to question if she was considered some kind of accessory after the fact related to what she was about to help burn.

Wasn’t this considered destroying evidence?

Chibs entered the crematorium eyeing Y/N as she dropped her purse on the cabinet in the corner of the room she busying herself finding those thick black gloves he’d spotted on her hands that first day.

He watched her having to admit that he noticed the curve of her backside in the jeans she wore. He was pleased to see she wore another tight fitting pair of jeans. The black denim hugged her bottom and hips in a way that left Chibs feeling envious of the fabric.

He watched her shrug her soft looking plum hooded jacket off placing it over her purse. He admired the way the black top she wore gave him another view of clevage. He was also amused to spot those pink converse on her feet again.

He watched as she pulled a hair tie off from around her wrist pulling her hair up into a messy looking top knot.

He spoke unable to stop himself, wanting to soothe any anxiety she might have about the circumstances behind the bodies she was about to help cremate. He couldn’t help but to hate the thought of her thinking she was some kind of accessory to murder. “It was an accident…found em in…a property of ours that caught fire.”

She furrowed her brow wanting to ask if it was just an accident then why was it so important to get rid of these bodies?

She told herself it was probably not a great idea to ask too many questions. She had a feeling the Scotsman wouldn’t tell her the entire truth anyhow. 

She cringed not having time to focus on the thought as Half Sack and Juice entered the room carrying two bodies wrapped in old looking blankets.

She took a deep breath as she moved towards the cremator opening and pulling out the drawer nodding down to it. “Put them down here. We should be able to cremate both together…it might take longer but it’s doable.”

The men deposited the bodies stepping back Y/N left to glance down at them. She grimaced at the sight of the two bodies. They were young women from what she could see. They’d been dead for a few days she guessed by the level of decay.

It wasn’t the worst deceased body she’d seen, but the realization that she was about to cremate these two nameless women did send a chill through her.

She yanked her glance from them as Jax stepped forward distracting her. “We have your payment.”

She took the envelope not missing the heft of it. She resisted the urge to open it and count it the thought seeming cruel given what she was doing.

She placed the envelope within her purse unaware that Chibs was studying her he taking notice of the way she’d gazed down at the corpses and the hint of sympathy in her eyes.

He couldn’t help but to be troubled by it. It was a surprising realization; that it bothered him that she was upset doing something that would get the club out of a huge pile of shit.

He pushed the thought from his mind as he watched her work getting everything together.

She moved quickly just wanting to get this over with. The sooner this ended the sooner she could go home and probably have a sleepless night. She had a feeling she’d need a good shower and maybe a drink when she got home.

She pushed in the drawer mentally apologizing to the bodies she was about to cremate. She was certain this wasn’t their end of life plans. She was sure they were far too young to consider such plans.

She ignored thoughts of any family they might have left behind or any dreams they might never achieve.

She knew she had to compartmentalize those feelings and focus on the task at hand. 

The machine was started up Y/N speaking as she worked finding it easy to talk about what she was doing in a technical sense than to actually acknowledge how screwed up this all was. “It will take a moment to get to the right temp. It needs to reach up to at least 1,400 degrees fahrenheit to burn. We’ll probably want to go a little higher given that we’re…burning more. It might take up to three hours…that’s for one body though. I don’t know about more than that…It’s not legal to burn more than one at once honestly.”

She cleared her throat as she spoke again. “I’m going to have to just assume we’re going to be pushing the three hour mark considering that is usually the time it takes to cremate a heavier body.”

She stepped aside surprised that the Sons moved forward lining up in front of the machine. She was uncertain if they just wanted to be sure the job was being done or if they were actually paying their respects in some weird messed up way. 

She stood to the side not certain of what else she should do.

They stood in silence for a long while the entire situation feeling both surreal and daunting. 

Half Sack spoke as they gazed at the bodies within the crematorium. “Should we say a prayer or something?”

Juice snickered his comment earning a grimace from Y/N. “You know any bible passages about lost semen.”

Chibs took notice of the look of disapproval on Y/N’s features. He couldn’t help but to cringe himself it seemed his young brother wasn’t exactly making the best impression. He reached out smacking Juice’s shoulder harshly, the action wiping the smirk from the man’s lips.

Chibs resisted the urge to glance over at Y/N and check and see if she’d noticed his disapproval and was aware he wasn’t being as crude and disrespectful as his young associate. 

He was a bit surprised he cared so much what she thought of him especially in a situation like this. She probably already disapproved of them all.

He couldn’t help but to hate the thought that she might think he was disrespectful enough to not at least understand the gravity of what they were doing. This essentially was the only funeral these women would get. 

Tig spoke thankfully finding something to say that was a bit more respectful, a prayer leaving his lips. “May a ray of sunshine warm your souls amen.”

With that they stepped back enough to allow Y/N to move forward, shutting the door and turning up the heat, she doing her best to turn her mind off and not focus on how awful this all felt.

Time seemed to move far too slowly and no one seemed that concerned that they were clearly going to stand here the entire time it took to completely cremate the remains.

Everyone seemed to have the sense to not speak even Juice and Half Sack.

When it was clear that the bodies were getting closer and closer to being ashes Tig spoke. “We should go.”

Jax nodded his head in agreement. “Yeah.”

He turned to face Y/N fast to speak again. “Thanks for helping us. I know this wasn’t ideal.”

She shook her head a small bitter laugh leaving her not sounding humored at all. “Nope, not ideal.”

Jax spoke, giving her arm a gentle squeeze. “I can’t promise the next favor won’t be less shitty.”

She moved from his grasp crossing her arms over her chest, the act almost seeming as though she was trying to protect herself. Chibs took notice of it, surprised that he wanted to reach out and provide some reassurance.

She moved towards the cabinet she speaking over her shoulder. “I’ve got it from here boys.”

Everyone but Chibs seemed to take the hint, happy to be out of the crematorium and escape this entire situation.

Jax spoke over his shoulder as he moved to leave. “We really are grateful for the help, Y/N. You’re keeping us out of some deep shit.”

She sighed, shaking her head, her voice monotone, not seeming comforted by the thought that she was helping them escape what was most likely the consequences of their own actions. “Yeah, sure.”

She pushed back the judgment knowing deep down she wasn’t much better. She was accepting money for this. She wasn’t an angel.

Chibs didn’t speak until only they remained in the room. He cleared his throat nodding over to the cremator. “What are ya goin to do with tha ashes?”

She raised an eyebrow almost fearing he was testing her to see if she was going to run to the cops. She was tempted to point out the primary chemical elements that were in cremains were just calcium phosphate and sodium. No forensics team could pull any evidence from cremains.

She didn’t have a chance to dwell on fears that he was testing if she was likely to snitch as he spoke again. “I mean…we don’ know wha they woulda wanted. I imagine they were young nough not to think bout it.”

She shrugged her shoulders a bit surprised that he seemed to genuinely care. She’d almost expected him to disappear off into the night like his brothers and leave her to clean up what remained.

She spoke nodding her head towards the entrance of the crematorium. “There’s some old mausoleums out near one of the back corners of the property. They’re old as hell…the city uh they are responsible for maintaining the landscaping…so there’s rose bushes near them. It might be nice to bury the ashes under the roses. It’s at least some final resting place.”

Chibs nodded his head, a small half smile crossing his features, having to find it kind of endearing that she’d put this much thought into it. She really did have a passion for her job. “Aye, tha’ sounds nice…are ya doin it tonigh?”

“Yeah, probably shouldn’t do it during daylight. I think I can manage it tonight. I can figure out how to dig a hole.” She remarked not wanting to admit she wouldn’t be able to rest tonight until she’d done this.

A small part of her almost had to hope that providing a final resting place for the remains would at least make up for some of the horrible things she’d done over the past two days. 

Chibs took her by shock he speaking. “I’ll go with ya.”

She furrowed her brow a tiny paranoid part of her almost fearing that he’d off her once he’d gotten her alone. Maybe she’d been too pushy with the MC asking for payment. Maybe they were just going to get rid of her.

She shook the thought from her mind, reminding herself that she was still useful to SAMCRO. She was right, she was more reliable than Skeeter any day of the week.

Chibs spoke again, spotting the tiny hint of fear in her eyes, hating that she might fear him and believe he might intend to harm her. “Lotta homeless probably hang round this place at nigh. Can’t trust that someone with less morals won’t see ya and ya know.”

She cringed quickly coming up with a few scenarios that the you know seemed to imply.

“Okay, sounds good.” She remarked, turning her attention back to her work.

—----------

The two didn’t speak again until they reached the mausoleums Y/N had described. Chibs gazed up at them there was something eerie about them in the dark. He was relieved Y/N seemed to be smart enough to carry a little flashlight in her purse.

She handed the flashlight to him a small sigh leaving her lips. “Hold this while I dig.”

He was tempted to insist that he could be the one to dig the hole. It seemed to be the gentlemanly thing to do after all. He bit his tongue though having a feeling she wouldn’t allow him to do this.

This seemed a bit more personal to her judging by the look of sympathy he’d spotted in her eyes earlier. 

He stared up at the night sky being sure to keep the flashlight on her task. He spoke searching for anything to talk about. “Stars are at least nice out ere. Not nough street lights to fuck it up.”

She cleared her throat a little surprised by the choice in conversation. It seemed so casual after what had happened just a few hours ago. “Yeah, it’s nice.”

He spoke again searching for more to say. “Don’ have em like this back home.”

“Home?” She asked her curiosity peaking despite the voice that screeched at her not to get involved.

“Aye, in Glasgow…Belfast too…too many fuckin people in the city at least…too many lights. Out in the countryside though, that was some real stars, put these to shame.” He replied a small dreamy tone crossing his voice as he recalled the countryside.

“You’ve lived in both Scotland and Ireland?” She questioned. She was relieved that the conversation provided some distraction from her dread filled brain. She had to admit she was curious about how the Scotsman came to reside here of all places even if it was just related to his involvement with the Sons. 

She was comforted to have something else to focus on other than the fact that the new leaf she’d turned seemed to be dead. 

He spoke nodding his head. “Aye, born and raised in Glasgow, moved to Belfast when I was sixteen.”

“You’re a long way from there.” She remarked, cringing at the comment knowing the move most likely had something to do with the criminal element surrounding the man she was speaking with. It probably wasn’t wise to bring it up.

Chibs felt his heart twist the same way it often then when he was reminded of what had forced him from Belfast in the end. “Aye…it was an adjustment…The states aint all that bad…even became a citizen a few years back…figured it was easier than maintainin’ a work visa.”

She nodded her head not entirely familiar with immigration laws or how citizenship worked. It wasn’t something she’d really experienced. 

She spoke as he continued to dig. “The furthest I’ve been is New York. I moved there for mortuary school…lived there for a while. Never left the United States though. I have always wanted to, but dead people don’t tend to care about vacation plans and travels not in my budget most of the time.”

She felt her stomach turn at the mention of her budget considering she’d just been paid twice to do some questionable things by the associates of the man she was speaking with so casually.

She spoke again, shrugging her shoulders. “Maybe someday. I wouldn’t mind seeing the stars you’re praising.”

“Aye, ya won’t regret it.” Chibs was fast to reply, a small smile crossing his features relieved the conversation seemed to be flowing so easily.

For someone who had given SAMCRO nothing but sass, there seemed to be something kind of sweet and lovely about this conversation they were having one on one. He wouldn’t mind experiencing more of it.

She spoke again, satisfied with the depth of the hole she’d dug. “This should work. I think I got it wide and deep enough.”

Chibs felt a small sense of disappointment wash over him at the realization that he was about to no longer have an excuse to be near her. 

He hid his disappointment as she placed the plastic baggie containing the cremains down in the hole working quickly to cover it. 

He parted his lips wanting to say more to her, wanting to say anything to keep her here by his side.

He felt the words die on his lips as she stood up wiping the dirt from her jeans. She spoke, taking the flashlight from him. She was thankful it was dark enough that he didn’t notice her cheeks flush as her fingers brushed against his. “Thank you for holding it.”

He took notice of the softness of her hands. He had to wonder just what other parts of her were soft. “Aye, glad ta help.”

She spoke, taking a deep breath, a bit of the weight of shame she’d felt lifting just the slightest. She knew the small act of giving the remains a final resting place wouldn’t make up for the two bodies she’d given SAMCRO, but at least she might be able to feel that she wasn’t entirely a terrible person. “Thank you for…watching over me and keeping me company.”

“Aye, anytime lass.” He replied, causing her to let out a small laugh though this one didn’t sound as humorless as the laugh she’d given Jax earlier.

“No offense, but I hope it isn’t anytime. I don’t mind talking with you, but I���d prefer the next time to not be while I’m burying remains I illegally cremated.”

He smirked both at the comment and the implication she might enjoy talking with him. 

He was fast to bring it up. “Aye, so ya like talkin to me?”

She let out a huff rolling her eyes though she didn’t stop the small smile from crossing her lips her cheeks flushing darker. “Shut up.”

He smirked, satisfied that she didn’t have a more clever comeback.

She spoke again, shaking her head. “I’ll see you around…uh?”

He furrowed his brow, it hitting him; they'd never been entirely properly introduced.

He was surprised by the words that left him not choosing the club nickname he’d long gone by but his legal first name. “Filip.”

She nodded her head. “Goodnight, Filip.”

He spoke as he watched her step forward intending on parting ways. “Aye, goodnigh lass. I’ll see ya around.”