wineredcalories

[wineredcalories]

Gaining weight on my period is the worst thing ever...

Why did I gain weight?? is it just water weight that'll go away when my period ends or did I actually gain?????????? I did good yesterday, though??? WHY WOULD I GAIN WHYWHYWHWYHY

[wineredcalories]

My life for the past year

“what does it look like”

It looks like garbage bags painted with the muted, slimy, unappealing colors of the food in your pantry. It looks like the silvery sheen left on the water even after you’ve flushed. It looks like shaking fingers with the cuticles chewed off. It looks red. The red of your knuckles, the red of the vessels in your teary eyes, the red of bl00d crusted under your fingernails, the little red steaks that come out of your throat when you’ve abus3d it just a little too much. It looks like piles of dirty dishes and empty wrappers in your room that you move around and stack together to try and make it seem like there’s less than there really is. It looks like hands smeared with snot and tears. It looks like ruined makeup. It looks like half-eaten food that just barely missed the coffee grounds or milk or applesauce next to it in the garbage can.

“What does it sound like”

Gagging. Sobbing. Chewing. Crunching. Boiling. Sizzling. The crinkle of wrappers. The hum of the microwave, the opening of the fridge door or the creak of the pantry that lets you know you’re back here again. Screaming but only inside your head, screams no one can hear, screams you lock behind your slowly-r0tting teeth. Silence. The silence after you’re done with the b1ng3 or you’re done with the pvrg3 where you just sit and think about what you’ve done, taking a second before you finish what you’ve started, delaying the inevitable. The music you put on to cover it up and the music you put on to comfort yourself through each repetitive day, the music that understands in a way you can’t imagine anyone would. Lies. Those words you utter to everyone around with the guilty tinge of dishonesty that only you recognize.

“What does it taste like”

Everything. It tastes like everything. It tastes rotten and dirty and bitter and repugnant. It tastes nostalgic and beautiful and relieving and delicious. It tastes like eating something and knowing what it tastes like when it comes back up. It tastes like coffee in the morning and carefully-measured meals as you tell yourself you’ll get back on track. It tastes like disappointment. It tastes like failure. It tastes bland on your burnt, acid-ruined tongue. It tastes like the water and baking soda you swish around to try and minimize the harm. It tastes perfect like nothing you’ve ever had and you don’t want the taste to leave even if you know it’s festering inside of you and turning you into a monster.

“What does it smell like”

It smells old. Pungent. Sickly-sweet. Dairy that’s curdled with st0mach acid. It doesn’t smell like much because you’re blind to it now, and it barely spends enough time in your st0mach to take on the sour tinge of real pvk3. It smells like the candles you light and the perfume you use to cover it up and try and feel normal, to make your bedroom stink less like the corpse you’re becoming. It smells like sm0ke swirling around and breathed out your window. It smells expired but you still eat it because it doesn’t matter anymore.

“What does it feel like”

It is pain. Pain even when you aren’t feeling pain because the emotional pain of just being this way is a pain that fills you. It’s the twist in your gut when you h3ave on an empty stomach, not quite believing it to be so, wanting to be sure. It feels like the weak ache in your head and chest like TV static when you stand on unsteady legs, the dread that comes knowing you’ll have to eat something again in order to feel normal enough to burn whatever c4l0ries you left behind. It’s the feeling of a horrendously bl0ated stomach whenever you even try to eat normally because you’ve ruined your digestive system and you have to cope with how disgusting it is to be full. It’s a pain in your throat like it’s swelling closed, acid flooding your chest and esophagus, sores on your lips and acne on your chin and an ache in your head that just won’t go away. It’s guilt for everything that’s so horrendous you can’t imagine ever forgiving yourself

[wineredcalories]

I feel like my legs are getting thinner

Or am I just actually going insane now

[wineredcalories]

I feel so ugly, big and out of place right now

I can't wait to finally be thin and pretty

[wineredcalories]

reblog if you’re looking for moots and active this april!!! <3

[wineredcalories]

I'm thin and pretty I'm thin and pretty I'm thin and pretty I'm thin and pretty I'm thin and pretty I'm thin and pretty I'm thin and pretty I'm thin and pretty I'm thin and pretty I'm thin and pretty I'm thin and pretty

I say as I rock back and forth like a clinically insane person

[wineredcalories]

😭😭

MAGIC SPELL EVERYONE

💫💥💫💥💫💥💫💥💫💥

Reblog to lose 7 pounds in a week

💥💫💥💫💥💫💥💫💥💫

Reblog to weight less than yesterday

[wineredcalories]

“Just remember, in 20 seconds, the food will be gone. The taste will be over, and all that will be left is regret. Just like last time.”

[wineredcalories]

Skinny is the fashion.

I can't wait to be small enough to wear what I want, without having to hide the fat on me.

[wineredcalories]

YES!! I will start to get new clothes at 115!!

I can’t wait to buy a whole new wardrobe of clothes.

[wineredcalories]

hey, good rule of thumb: ana coaches arent real. you dont need a coach. even if someone is giving you advice, they aren't doing it for you, they're doing it for them. they're enjoying it, even if it isn't sexual. stop looking for one, jesus christ.

[wineredcalories]

GOALS.

É pedir muito?

[wineredcalories]

It drives me fucking INSANE.. And there is only a little bit that still touches 😭😭

I hate the feeling of my thighs touching each other

[wineredcalories]

I’d rather sell my left lung than go back to my start weight

[wineredcalories]

“Maintaining is better than gaining!”

[wineredcalories]

[wineredcalories]

ACTIVE 3D ACCS REBLOG FOR MOOTS THIS MARCH