wafflehouseenthusiast - Tumblr blog

[wafflehouseenthusiast]

Music in Film: I Saw the TV Glow (2024) dir. Jane Schoenbrun music supervision by Chris Swanson and Jessica Berndt

[wafflehouseenthusiast]

a good analogy for dysphoria for anyone who played pre2010s video game consoles:

it’s like when u start a game, start doing missions, then realize you have the wrong memory card in that belongs to someone else, so none of the progress you make means anything because it’s not yours. you’re just playing for no reason. it takes all the fun and determination out of it.

[wafflehouseenthusiast]

somewhere, there's a party

[wafflehouseenthusiast]

my cis friend who didn’t quite get I Saw the TV Glow, made a comment how the color grading and liminal/nostalgic theme felt pretentious and unnecessary. They felt that it was a film purely made for the visuals alone, and the plot was lackluster. they felt it was cheap.

however in my view, it didn’t feel cheap or pretentious at all.

what makes this movie really speak to me as a trans person. was how Real it felt. like the uncanny feelings, the surrealism, the liminal spaces, the nostalgia. as someone who suffered from dysphoria my entire life, one of the biggest symptoms of that dysphoria was depersonalization/derealization. the color grading and the cinematography captured so perfectly, this very niche and rare phenomenon we as trans people often experience. it felt like i was watching the film through the same lens that I viewed my own life.

i feel so fucking seen by this film. the theme of dissonance is so real. not everyone will get it. if you know anything about dream realms, living with dysphoria and doing nothing about it feels like lower realm dreams. just backrooms, uncanny spaces. surreal. you’re you but you’re not you. the world has these darker nighttime undertones. it’s an experience i struggle very much to explain, but i saw the tv glow captured it all so beautifully and perfectly.

idk im bad at articulating myself but i just thought the cinematography and color grading was a genius and intentional touch.

[wafflehouseenthusiast]

i’m 2 weeks back on t. i’m writing a coming out letter to my dad. coming out to extended family soon. not really sure what to do about my job, although i met someone who is a manager at a venue that i love in a city that i love two hours from me. this person encouraged me to apply, and offered to show me around and introduce me to people. which is exciting. this is not something i ever thought could be for me. things are going, okay? which is wild considering 3 weeks ago i wanted to die so badly and thought the only thing that could save me was my ex. and now i just feel, okay.

the way i almost immediately just felt, stable, on T. it’s insane. i’m sad and stressed about a lot but it’s not, ruining me? i feel optimistic. i have more energy. i feel more connected to my brain. life feels worth it. i’m not suicidal every fucking night anymore. i’m no longer trying to cling onto other people (…exes, partners, romantic interests) and their identity to fill some void inside myself. now, i feel like im finally coming back to myself. my own identity.

these are all things i’ve felt the first time i went on T, before getting scared and stopping. i really think this hormone is going to save me from myself. obviously i still have issues, but i didn’t expect testosterone to do this much mentally. i thought last time was just coincidence. the way i’ve repressed so much, for so long, i couldn’t even connect or link my dysphoria to all these mental health problems. i just thought they were fatal flaws and not endless symptoms of dysphoria.

i’m not saying HRT is going to make u sane and normal overnight. you’re still gonna have to do the work. but honestly, it relieved most of it for me. enough to feel i have a chance. at life. at happiness. at normalcy. at lucidity.

[wafflehouseenthusiast]

beach house feels like being a little kid and half asleep in the backseat of ur dads car at 1am in a strange part of the city while he buys drugs. cozy n safe yet dystopian.

[wafflehouseenthusiast]

is love even real

i’m starting to think love is just complete bullshit and a part of our brains need for validation. it works for a bit, then i see through the other person. and through myself. we all just want someone to coddle us and tell us we’re good. its all bullshit. it’s all ego based narcissism. love is just an agreement to enable each other’s incessant need for attention and self validation. at least when you’re morbidly fucked in the head, but i think it’s that way with everyone and most people are lucky enough to be oblivious to it.

at least in this new age of dating apps and speeding through crucial parts of building trust and a foundation for anything to have a fucking chance to stand on. it seems we’ve lost patience for that. i’ve lost patience for that. dating apps r HORRENDOUS. it is completely delusional to believe that someone could love you and truly see you just because they fuck you and asked if you ate and hydrated like they’re reading how to be a good partner from a script. i want to feel real love. i want real love.

[wafflehouseenthusiast]

i hate how fast i can cycle through complete adoration and disgust for a person what the fuck is wrong with me it’s just getting worst

[wafflehouseenthusiast]

there are corners of this website where the year is still 2013. and sometimes, on beautiful nights when the veil is thin, you can find them . if you know where to look

[wafflehouseenthusiast]

On the subject of femme beauty... your femme partner won't perform the traditional femininity—if that's even something they're into to begin with—twenty-four-seven.

Your femme partner will have bed hair days. Can't shower depression days. Struggling to get out of bed to brush their teeth days. Using only an oversized shirt they stole from you long ago days.

Your femme partner probably won't be wearing makeup every single time you meet. They might have dark circles under their eyes, and most likely chipped nail polish at some point during your relationship.

Your femme partner could eat a whole meal in under 5 minutes like a starving gremlin and burp like any other human being on the face of the Earth. They could be sitting on the sofa on a weekend afternoon, scratching their belly, completely in their element.

The femme in your life is no less beautiful because your unrealistic expectations weren't met.

A comfortable, well loved and understood femme is the most beautiful thing you could ever see.

[wafflehouseenthusiast]

late stage capitalism is me looking on hinge for a nurse or vet tech to remove my stitches for $20

[wafflehouseenthusiast]

so thankful for my best friend who is also bipolar and the moments of time we get to spend together. he is the only person that doesn’t make me feel immoral and crazy. i feel like a person with him.

[wafflehouseenthusiast]

i have to perform a rendition of can’t help falling in love w you by elvis on guitar for my best friends wedding and im very honored to be trusted with that but also scared and terrified and throwing up

[wafflehouseenthusiast]

can’t fucking wait to go to the gym again after my mangled leg heals

[wafflehouseenthusiast]

started T again and i don’t know if im feeling euphoria or mania.

[wafflehouseenthusiast]

it’s like because society doesn’t see us as fragile and beautiful, like we have to earn love and affection with service. maybe i’m projecting an insecurity, but it feels reinforced with all my past relationships. where loving and supporting them felt natural to me. i did it just because i loved them. nothing more. they just had to exist. that’s all.

but their love with me, it’s so conditional.

anyone who’s butch/transmasc feel like their worth and value as a partner is completely dependent on what “services” they give.

if you exclusively top

if you stroke their ego daily and constantly

if you become their on call therapist/maintenance guy in one

but there’s this double standard that as soon as you show any “weakness”, you’re not worth it anymore. the fantasy of the big strong butch is shattered and ur just, weak.

i feel like as soon as i start showing my vulnerabilities, i get left. meanwhile when they show theirs, i was there. but somehow when i do it, its bad and selfish.

[wafflehouseenthusiast]

anyone who’s butch/transmasc feel like their worth and value as a partner is completely dependent on what “services” they give.

if you exclusively top

if you stroke their ego daily and constantly

if you become their on call therapist/maintenance guy in one

but there’s this double standard that as soon as you show any “weakness”, you’re not worth it anymore. the fantasy of the big strong butch is shattered and ur just, weak.

i feel like as soon as i start showing my vulnerabilities, i get left. meanwhile when they show theirs, i was there. but somehow when i do it, its bad and selfish.