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4 Personal Steps to Self-Love

4 Personal Steps to Self-Love

Self-love is a pretty big talking point these days. Often wrapped tightly around that of ‘self-care’, while they are closely integrated with each other, they are both still quite individual concepts. While self-care involves the curiosity of exploring our emotions, both positive or negative, and exploring them in a way that gives us the space to be gentle while also retaining the power to grow…

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My Journey Back to Anti-Depressants

[TW: suicide, mental illness] If you have read any of my past posts you may be aware of my tumultuous struggle with mental health. After years of muddling through my pain silently and alone, I began to talk. And from there I have become a firm believer that talking does help. Nobody deals with a broken arm alone, or cancer or any other physical illness, so why should a mental illness be any…

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Easter Week Updates

This week has had such lovely weather. It really does feel like summer is coming, especially since the clocks went forward just last week. Although there has been a bitter chill in the air, the sun makes up for it entirely – so long as a multitude of layers are worn. I feel as though this week has been ever so slightly chaotic, but in the best way! So much has been happening that it’s hard to…

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2020 Getaways

Back in August, we had plans to go to Galway, but with the LOKdown, that proved impossible. And so, began the long-distance that so many of us are used to once again. In order to help us through this next lockdown, we began to plan a trip we could run away to as soon as it was lifted. Now, in all honesty, it took a very long time for us to settle on a location or hotel. We had gone to Bray just a…

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A Spontaneous Painting Date

A Spontaneous Painting Date

With the sun shining in through the window, providing the much-needed hope of brighter days ahead, I finally felt the urge to paint again, a desire I had denied myself for a couple of months now. I struggle to motivate myself to continue my hobbies for fear of not being good enough at them – even though they are only hobbies so, in reality, it shouldn’t matter regardless. I felt good though, so I…

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My Meaning of Self-Care

My Meaning of Self-Care

Looking after my mind with a gentle curiosity. That’s what self-care is to me. A fundamental part of life that I have always strived towards, yet only recently have managed to truly make time for. The concept of self-care, taking the time to look after ourselves in both body and mind, it’s a tougher challenge than it appears on paper. It has taken years for me to ever manage to get and stay on…

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International Women's Day, One Week On

International Women’s Day, One Week On

*TW: Sexual Assault* Scrolling through social media this week and just about every other post was about sexual assault, specifically towards women, and how the lives of us women revolve around making specific decisions and changing certain plans just to lower our chances of being a potential target. Reading all these seemingly unique stories, knowing that they are all so familiar to all too…

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Nostalgia

I am bored of not travelling. Ireland is a beautiful country. But being confined to a five-kilometre radius is exhausting. The most exotic part of my weeks is the new queuing system Tesco has set up for their self-service checkouts. But, I am also bored of being bored. I have decided to stop focusing on what I can not do and instead on what I can. So without further ado, I introduce a new feature…

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One Year

It was February one year ago when I last got to see him. After the first case reached our shores the home closed for any and all visits. Like so many, I never got a final visit. I have been quite reminiscent lately, as we all have really. One year ago everything has been so different. For me, it has been one year since I last really seen my grandad. One year since I sat by his bedside and held…

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So, only a few days ago I finally finished my final year in college. What is an achievement for anyone, was a particularly big deal to me, as not only did I nearly quit countless times, but I barely even thought I’d be alive at this point.

I do feel that my college experience was especially tumultuous, but maybe I am just being self-centered with that mindset. However, the past few days and weeks I have found myself reflecting on the past four years, and to that I felt that the best way to process each individual year would be to write about it.

Before college even began, I experienced one of the most, if not the most, traumatic thing in my life which was watching dad die. Not something I will get into now, if ever, but it’s not something I wish on anyone to see.

That really had a major impact on me and especially on my mental health, which I am still trying to process, nearly four years later. It was a turning point in my life. And in the midst of that, I was finishing the Leaving Cert, waiting on results and desperately not wanting to go to college in September.

As the weeks flew by, I struggled to leave my house without having some sort of a breakdown or panic attack. It was a very dark point in my life, and I really struggled with coping.

From there, I began college, which was by far as easy task for anyone. But bare in mind, I was having panic attacks on a very regular basis, and held back tears for a lot of that first year. I was also incredibly shy, but in saying all that, I did enjoy making our terrible little productions and learning all these new skills.

To help me get by, I began taking anti-depressants, and was seeing my doctor on a regular enough basis. I went to a therapist, I was seeing a psychiatrist on occassion. All of this was to help me get back on my feet. Which to a point, I did, but if we’re being honest, I am still trying to this day to be 100% okay again.

First year of college, I was vulnerable. I was shy. And I was afraid. Even just to send a message in our groupchat was taxing for me. My heart would race and I’d start overthinking every character of the message.

When I think back to that first year, I see a lot of grey. I was unhappy. But I persevered.

My smiling angel.

Towards the end of the year, I somehow managed to convince my mam that we should get a dog. Both of us needed something to brighten our darkness, and I still thoroughly believe it was our greatest decision.

When Emmers entered our life, she was anxious and afraid too. She had a trauma and had gone through a lot in her past year, much like us. It was and still is an absolute treasure to me to see her develop from being so scared and nervous, to becoming this genuine ray of light who licks away the tears when I cry. Or who cuddles into me to cheer me up. Who just wants someone to look after her, play with her, and show her that there’s not just bad out in the world.

I’ll never forget that day that we naively walked into Dog’s Trust’s rehoming centre in Finglas, and didn’t realise that our lives were about to be changed for the better.

As well as as Emmers, I also managed to meet some people who changed my life around aswell. Namely, Amelia and Andrew. Some of the sweetest people I have ever had the pleasure of knowing, and are still my amazingly close friends of this day. So just a lil thank you to them for being so kind and wonderful!

The second year without Dad turned out to be ever more challenging, as I’ve learnt that the first is when your trying to come to terms with what has happened, and the second is when you realise that they’re actually gone. On top of this, my aunt also died and we were pretty damn close. So that hit me very hard.

I hated every second of college. It was as though I had gone backwards ten steps. I was back to not coping at all. Panic attacks, breakdowns, they had all become so part of the routine that I even found my own little spot in the college to cry and be alone. It was the one place I felt I was able to collect my thoughts and breathe again.

That year was definitely the darkest in my life. I felt thoroughly alone. I was anxious, depressed and suicidal. I still don’t understand how I managed to finish college that year. I was ready to drop out so many times. Thankfully, I had an understanding lecturer who was there for me, listened to me and encouraged me to stay.

Of course, I had good days too. I was lucky enough to travel to Amsterdam with my friend, Grace, as well as Brussels with Mam. Grace is the most enjoyable company, its so easy to feel relaxed around her. And then for me and mam, I think we just really need these little breakaways to enjoy eachothers company without the stress or memories around home. Looking back, I think I just needed some excuse to get away from college.

But in saying all that, I do also think a lot of my ‘happiness’ at the time was more so masking than anything else. While first year was grey, second year was pure blackness.

Unfortunately, I ended up to the point where Pieta House was involved. But, they were nothing short of amazing. My therapist there was outstanding and patient and kind. I still have his words ring through my mind when I find myself struggling again. I will never be able to thank him enough for all that he did for me.

Cliffs of Moher

The summer before third year was pretty wild in all fairness. Some of my family came over from Spain, which is probably when I’m at my most content. We went around Ireland, showing them, Glendalough, the Cliff’s of Moher, Galway, Dublin, and everywhere in between.

This summer there was a crazy heatwave and so thankfully for them we were able to show them how beautiful Ireland can be when it’s not covered in rain.

Inbetween travelling the country with them, I was also working four jobs. The local cinema, a promotions company, an online travel company, and as a ghost writer. All of this was to ensure I had enough money to travel for a month across Europe, through Interrail.

Unfortunately, another death of a close family member occurred, but I was determined to not be set backwards again.

We left to go travelling on the 29th of July, and I returned one month later on the 29th of August. What an experience! By far, this was one of the highlights of the past four years. We started in Paris, then went to Amsterdam, Berlin, Prague, Karków, Budapest, Split, and afterwards, I flew to Barcelona to spend a week with the family. It was just amazing. Something I will never forget, and that’s for sure.

By the time I was back in Ireland, third year of college had just rolled around. Although I had struggled so much the year prior, after enough deliberating, I decided to take this new year by the horns and move to the college’s town.

This was a pretty major feat seeing as at least when I was struggling the year prior, I was always able to at least go home and see Emmers. This year however, I was jumping straight into this enviroment. It was scary, especially for me to have so much extra time alone with my thoughts. But ultimately, I feel like it was the right decision.

For the first while, I was even living right around the corner from Amelia, which was amazing! She was a great support system to have so closeby, and I still cherish the evenings spent drinking wine and playing with her beautiful dog until all hours.

On set with Neil and our new friend for our third year music video!

In regards to my own course, I really tried to socialise as much as possible. Third year really sealed my friendship with Neil, who is one of the kindest souls. He was, and still is, my closest friend.

As tough going as I found it, I really did try to socialise as best as I could. And looking back, I do think I did a decent enough job at it. No matter how much I was dying on the inside, I always pushed myself to be more outgoing and personable. I think, in a retrospect, I would have to say that I am quite proud of myself, for persevering.

It was also in third year that I managed to truly reconnect with my best friend from our school days, Caoimhe. That was a comforting experience to bring back the familiarity and ease of our relationship along with the inside jokes that stem back to being fourteen years old again in some class that we didn’t care about, just wanting to have a laugh.

Third year was definitely different the the other two years as I really just wanted to finally experience college and not struggle. And to do that I pretty much decided to ignore my problems, which is probably (definitely!) not healthy, but one way or another, it seemed to work. I even stopped taking my anti-depressants towards the end of the year.

[Sidenote: never do what I did and just stop taking them. I ended up with the world spinning and a constant nausea for weeks as I didn’t wean myself off them. And from what I’ve learnt, they were lucky side effects, apparently it can be a lot worse.]

By the end of third year, I finally felt more at peace. For the first time in a long while.

For the summer before forth year, I mainly worked, but also made sure to spend as much time with my friends as possible.

Of course, to keep things on theme, there was yet another death in the family, which, once again, hit me hard. This time it was my close uncle, who not only looked a lot like dad, but also died of a similar illness just the week before his anniversary. And as it was Spain, in the midst of summer, I wasn’t able to get a flight to say goodbye. That hurt.

Thankfully I was surrounded by wonderful friends. Andrew who came over and brought me flowers the day it happened, and just chilled and watched crap with me while I was sad. Then, Amelia, who went to the effort of getting me a plain balloon and marker and bringing out to somewhere quiet, to let me write one last message to my uncle. Bare in mind, it was even her birthday! I was blessed.

I’m not sure if it was his death or what, but very shortly after it was as though a switch was flicked in my brain and I developed chronic insomnia. What made it even weirder, was the fact that up to this point, I was an incredibly sleepy person, who could have literally slept anywhere, anytime.

This had a major impact on my mental health. Absolutely no sleep for days and weeks on end was rough. I was back to crying and not being able to cope. My doctor ended up prescibing me anti-depressants again, but I couldn’t bring myself to take them. I refused to need them.

I felt particularly bad for Amelia who I ended up going away with at the time. Although it was a wonderful holiday, the lack of sleep meant I was short on energy, and was also tossing and turning throughout the nights, more than likely keeping her up, although she would deny it.

Similarly, I went to Spain at the end of August, and definitely kept my poor cousin up every other night.

Even though I had a lovely end to third year, I found myself stressing about the return to final year. I had moved into a new flat, that I liked quite a bit, and decided to give it a go. My motivation was that if I really wasn’t happy, I would just leave college, once and for all.

While those thoughts were floating through my mind, my grandad also wound up quite sick, and it was pretty not good there for a while. He was eventually put into a home, with the anticipation that he would be made comfortable, and that not much else could be done for him.

Grandad & I around November

BUT my strong lol grandad, made such a recovery! He was put into the home around late September/ early October, and he is still going! He is currently better than ever, being super well looked after in an amazing nursing home.

Now, as far as a year in education goes, it was fairly disasterous. A lecturer that we were supposed to have for two modules was on maternity leave, and her replacement cancelled the first few lectures we were supposed to have, before finally quitting. We never even met her. It was as though this was an omen for what was to come. Every week, we would all hope for a full week, but, ultimately, we were always let down. The first three months ended up having more cancelled classes than actual classes.

By the time we ended up having the lecturer replaced, and finally full weeks of classes, it was just about Christmas.

We broke away for the New Year, with the anticipation of a much improved new semester awaiting us.

As for Christmas break, my friends from school and I decided we were in desperate need of a group holiday, and so we planned a trip to Edinburgh for a few days. This was the loveliest little holiday! Hot chocolate, great food and nearly all of us got a new peircing! (Which, is a blog in itself!).

Now, although this was a wonderful memory, Christmas just gone also meant my best friend moving away, which was heartbreaking.

The group of us organised a surprise meal and drinks for Amelia before she left. But its definitely strange not having her so close by anymore.

When we finally got around to going back to college, it went surprisingly well at first. No cancelled classes, assignments weren’t crazy. All was good.

Until, of course, Covid-19 turned into a pandemic and the world pretty much shut down. But, of course, we all know about that.

As I currently stand, I am surprisingly sad to have finished college, especially in such extraordinary circumstances. I’m also excited to begin this new, hopefully brighter, chapter in my life.

Forth year was most definitely a blink and you miss it kind of experience. It was memorable though. I finally felt as though I was content.

Over the past few years, I have made lasting friendships with spectacular people, however I’ve lost friends some along the way, some are probably for the best, but others I miss dearly.

It’s been quite a journey. As I said at the beginning, I shocked I’m even here. It’s been remarkable.

Memorable for sure.

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College Days So, only a few days ago I finally finished my final year in college. What is an achievement for anyone, was a particularly big deal to me, as not only did I nearly quit countless times, but I barely even thought I'd be alive at this point.

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Consent Matters: The Cuddle Party Edition Right, so it's been a hella long time since I've actually posted anything, but in my defence I'm in a degree year now in college and have been mad busy so I kinda just let my writing disappear into an abyss...

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Mini Marathon Magic

Last Sunday, I woke up late. I had 30 minutes to get up and make the train to Dublin for this years Women’s Mini Marathon. I rolled out of bed, had a couple sips of tea, threw on the leggings and t-shirt closest to me, and ran out the door.

2018’s VHI Women’s Mini Marathon

Now, I wouldn’t have woken up when I did had it not been for my Mini Marathon companion, Ciara, whose messages to my phone…

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DiL 2018

Last night, at 4:15 am myself and a few others from work walked our town as the soon began to rise to help break the stigma and raise money for Pieta House.

Now, it probably would have been smart to get some sleep prior to the 5k walk, but instead we went to our friends house first for pizza and the chats. We almost lost track of the time but when we noticed it was close to quarter to four we…

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r e p e a l

r e p e a l

One of the ‘Vote Yes’ posters in my town

First off, I believe an apology is in order as I have been pretty awol in recent weeks. I’ve just been pretty busy between college, work, and campaigning for what is a very important cause.

But now I am BACK! And ready to stay.

Now, on to my most recent rant. As I mentioned above, one of the things that has been keeping me busy has been campaign work for…

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Just back from my latest adventure, Amsterdam. A city filled with soul. It’s high on the list of any travel lover, and after this trip I could see where it got its popularity.

We made sure to come for the famous tulip season

From the moment we entered, there was activity everywhere. Not going to lie, crossing the roads was such a stress for myself and my friend, Grace! No matter how many times you may have looked, there would still be a tram or bicycle coming your way as soon as your foot hit the road… or maybe that was just us!

Once we landed, we headed straight for Centraal Station and worked from there. We walked around the canals, in search of food. We found a wonderful little bar that served some falafel burgers and sandwiches. By the time we left, we were stuffed and ready for some adventure!

Now, we were doing a budget style trip of Amsterdam. We had a list on our phones of 50 free things to do, and worked mainly off that. That meant a lot of walking, and by the end of the first day we had walked 20km.

We checked out Cannabis College, the Royal Palace and the Tulip Museum. We got a free ferry across to the EYE Filmmuseum and checked out one of the two IAmsterdam signs.

IAmsterdam sign we stumbled upon

Later we walked to Anne Franks house. It was a sobering experience to be there and think about what her and her family went through and all the other families like hers. The streets we were roaming so carefree, would have been so different for them over seventy years ago.

Later in the evening we went to Ripley’s Believe It or Not! during their ‘happy hour’. We had such a blast there, it was super interesting and that spiny tunnel- my god!- we couldn’t stop laughing in that! Every floor was just an adventure in itself. Such an experience.

The next day we got up late enough after our 3am start the day previous. We went straight for food and had the most amazing lunch in the Vegan Junk Food Bar. Uuuuugh I want to go back there it was SO insanely good! And such a great atmosphere! We got talking to a couple of people from America who had just been in Dublin. We were actually asked if we were from America which was a first for both of us!..Tangent aside anyway, if you are in Amsterdam, vegan or not, go here!!!

Go here!!!!!!!

This day we stuck around the Rijksmuseum area. There was some gorilla campaign..thing? for Magnum ice cream there. People drove up in a few different vintage cars and clothing, blasted some tunes, danced and handed out ice cream. I never turn down free icecream, that’s for sure!

The most epic tree located in the Rijksmuseum gardens

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Rain seriously came down that day, but that didn’t stop us. We explored the gardens, saw beautiful buildings, checked out Vondelpark (and all the adorable doggos!!), and got compleeeeetely drowned! Managed to get lost somehow, but found a tram and got our way back!

We went to the Albert Cuypmarkt and tried authentic stroopwafels, which are a personal favourite in my life. They are sooo good, especially when they are hot and fresh!

We went to the Red Light District that night after dinner in an Argentinian restaurant. To the best of my knowledge it was a medieval city centre, filled with many alleys. All the lights reflected in the canal was very atmospheric. And it was quite different to walk down a street where prostitution is legalised. Likewise I did find it pretty weird seeing weed everywhere with no repercussions. Amsterdam is just so liberal its great!

The millions of bikes that are everywhere (There are apparently more bikes than people in this city!!)

Our final day came and we decided to just ramble around until we needed to go to the airport. We visited the Waterlooplein Market and rambled around some vintage shops. After much confusion, we managed to get a train to the airport and made our way home.

Amsterdam is most definitely a place anyone should try to visit. It’s so gorgeous and there is an endless supply of things to do and places to explore! I don’t think anything really prepared me for the amount of bikes here, it was so cool. There’s just such a culture here. As I mentioned above, it’s one helluva liberal city. Such an incredible place.

P.s. keep an eye out, I’m planning on getting my YouTube linked here soon 😉

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Livin’ That Dam Life Just back from my latest adventure, Amsterdam. A city filled with soul. It's high on the list of any travel lover, and after this trip I could see where it got its popularity.

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My Week of Positivity

My Week of Positivity

This past few days I didn’t feel quite as bad as normal. In fact, I would almost go as far as to say I felt somewhat content in life. I had decided I wouldn’t let anyone have the power to take away my happiness. I wanted to remain as chill and zen as possible. And as I decided that this week is the week that I challenge myself to stay positive. Seven Days. It doesn’t seem that long. It shouldn’t…

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‘Darkness into Light’ These past few years have been exceptionally tough for me. I have had some wonderful highs, but have also experienced some very bad lows.