throwingdreampaint - Tumblr blog

[throwingdreampaint]

"Healing in Haikus" No. 1

If I'm hand crafted

by the hands that hold the Earth

Why Destroy myself?

[throwingdreampaint]

The Sea

I know your emptiness

I recognize the curve in your spine

The limp in your speech

I know your emptiness

Can feel as vast as The Sea, itself

But remember

That there is even life

In the Lonely Ocean

[throwingdreampaint]

Loved Deeply

You are loved deeply Freed by his blood shed for you Trust in Jesus Christ

[throwingdreampaint]

Haiku #1

Tragic Irony:

To Trap Someone By Their Past

Is To Trap Yourself

- Alecia Renece

[throwingdreampaint]

Views from Grand Turk. God is just too GORGEOUS. I couldn't even capture how truly beautiful this entire scene was... The warmth of the sun, the scent of food and sea, the laughter and music of locals waves crashing against structure, the sand gravel beneath my feet... God is THE Artist. ▪ ▪ ▪ #art #artist #travel #Views #photographer #photography #Live #LiveLife #Love #Loved #GrandTurk #blue #water #God #miracle #Creation (at Grand Turk, Turks And Caicos Islands)

[throwingdreampaint]

When I was younger I would ask my Grandmother to keep her old magazines... Ebony and Essence and the occasional Jet. I would flip through the pages scouring glossy and matte in search of Beauty. I found her. Clipped out what I thought was the most beautiful parts of the most beautiful women. I wanted to be like them--Ebony, Essence... I thought they had black Beauty. That was the aspiration. Colored contacts, slim waist, flawless skin, perfectly aligned teeth, looser curl pattern, and men on their hips... All of the things I didn't have. I would put together a collage and make the perfect woman. Once I was satisfied, I'd get down on my knees, and in tears, beg God would make me like her. That he would transform me into this woman. And I Believed He would. Morning would come and I would take my time looking in the mirror and I would be heart broken by what I saw. Me. This would continue, night after night and eventually my Grandmother got me a subscription to these magazines since I had such a fascination for them. She had no idea that she was giving me more fuel for this self hating fire. A years subscription, a year's worth of collages, battered magazines, flipped through, torn out and misshapen. Darkened knees and more acne. I never knew WHAT to do with my hair and then it started breaking off. Crying in the mirror when I realized I had no good side. Slouching in classroom chairs when I found out boys don't like tall and awkward girls. Blushing when the sixth graders made fun of my gums and called me a monkey, or a horse, or "gummy bears"... They were all equally offensive and painful. The feeling of not belonging when Ms. Jackie, the bus driver, asked me to sit up front with her because I was being bullied so badly. Lying about my life to make my life sound much more interesting than it actually was, because I hated my life. Having my boyfriend yell up the halls that he didn't like me anymore and having the entire class look at me in pity and humor. Having the same boyfriend call me later that day to apologize and to tell me that he was just lying to get people off of his back, but that he really did like me. That was the first time I accepted being someone's secret. The first time someone taught me that I was something to be ashamed of. The lonely lunches with my notebook and my writing. My imaginary friends. The invite to the birthday party at Jeepers that no one planned on attending because it didn't exist and I was to be made fun of. That time my crush toyed with my emotions, then told me to get away from him. When all the kids in the neighborhood played football together and I was last picked because they were prettier than me. And how when I finally hit puberty the guy I liked lingered far too long when he tackled me and I no longer felt safe. When mom thought I was too emotional. When my dad told me that he'd kill me... ... These were all confirmation of my need to change who I was. And as an adult now, I still find myself being taunted by those same demons. They may look different (a cheating boyfriend, abusive love interests, fairweather friends, emotionally confusing exes, gossiping and judgemental family members, people who break your heart but don't want you to share your pain--your truth because it makes them uncomfortable, lying enemies), but they all communicate the same things: I Am Not Loved. I Am Not Enough. I Am Disposable. I Am Forgettable. I Have No Worth. I Am Not. I still find myself on the floor begging God to change me, but now it's too renew my mind, to save me from depression, to show me how to love myself and accept myself for who I am when no one else does. To see the beauty in feeling. To heal me. I no longer wish to want to be anyone else but me, I just want to do more than just survive. I want to live, honestly and healthy. And I am determined to.

[throwingdreampaint]

I used to enjoy playing basketball. Then after a while I hated it. I hated being forced to play. I hated the attitude I had to assume; I wasn't hard. I was sensitive and just wanted to have fun. I had horrible handling skills and played center for most of my career. Running up and down a court putting my hands up was easy. Dribbling a basketball was not. I wasn't competitive and honestly, I didn't really care that much. Basketball was life for my team mates... And that's alright. It just wasn't life for me. So I quit and picked up volleyball and fell in love. But it's cool to see my little cousins excelling in the sport. #photography #photographer #artist #writer #writing #shadow #Canon #Family #basketball #thoughts #volleyball (at Willow Grove, Pennsylvania)

[throwingdreampaint]

Dropping At Noon. #TheEllisEmpire #Music #Dancing #MusicMondays #Covers #IsThisLove #Love #Marriage #Dance #Art #Singing #JamCalPin #AleciaRenece #AleciaReneceMusic @jamcalpin_ @crys_shine @ae41090

[throwingdreampaint]

I had the amazing privilege to collaborate with some talented friends of mine on a project I've been working on. I can't wait to share it with you all today at noon. #TheEllisEmpire #Music #Dancing #MusicMondays #Covers #IsThisLove #Love #Marriage #Dance #Art #Singing #JamCalPin #AleciaRenece #AleciaReneceMusic

[throwingdreampaint]

#SelfPortraitSunday Decided to do something a little different. Used the natural light from our bedroom window and the curtain. Also Practiced my editing. It was fun! #Growing #Learning and #MakingMistakes #selfportrait #selfie #naturallight #sunday #SelfLove #Practice (at Southeast, Washington, D.C.)

[throwingdreampaint]

"... Don’t get me wrong. Fear is actually important. Fear stops you from making some dumb decisions. It stops children from touching fire because they fear getting burned... and helps us fight back or run like the wind from dangerous situations. What I’ve learned though is there is a very fine line between healthy fears and fears that ensnare. If you give fear enough room and control, you will find yourself wrapped in it thinking you’re SAFE, but all the while you’re actually becoming more and more TANGLED in it..." . . . I'm back (again). Recommitting to do the things that scare me, to pursue the things I love, to let go of the things that do me more harm than good, to allow my passions to breathe and burn brighter, to do inspite of feeling afraid. I'm starting #TheFearFight. Will you fight with me? CLICK THE LINK IN THE BIO FOR THE ENTIRE BLOG POST. #TheFearFightFriday #Fears #DoItAfraid #blog #blogging #DreamChasing #Sharing #Dreams #Goals

[throwingdreampaint]

Fight For Love

I am participating in the Writing Contest: You Deserve to be Inspired. Hosted by Positive Writer.

A fight is a high risk event. I never guessed the intense fight I would face for my wife. There are four things I’ve learned from my fight that can be used to help you fight for what you love.

My wife and I started dating unsuspectingly. Despite what many may think I wasn’t looking for her and she wasn’t looking for me. I had ended a serious relationship and was trying my best to recover. I was invested in my ex-girlfriend: six years on and off, engagement ring purchased, and hopes of marriage. Well, life takes turns you don’t expect or completely understand until you see them in hindsight. The break up was difficult. Thankfully, I had family, friends, and God to help me work through it. After ending a six year relationship, I needed to take a break.

I could have been more effective at taking a break. I spent too much time with women that led to immature decisions and hurt feelings. Out of that though, I ended up connecting, and actually helping, my future wife who was going through her own wave of heartache and recovery. We spent a lot of time talking and developing a great friendship. It was after that friendship developed that we even considered the idea of a romance.

Since we were both coming out of relationships, we took cautionary steps before proceeding. We spent time fasting, praying, and seeking God for His support in pursuing this relationship. I asked my friends and some of her friends’ for approval before moving forward. We also talked to necessary exes about us getting together. It was a nerve racking experience, but we wanted the best foundation for starting our relationship. Once we got the green light, we disembarked on a journey that was more of a perfect storm than a cruise.

1. Necessary Resolve

I first learned from my fight of love the importance of resolve. Dictionary.com defines Resolve as, “to come to a definite or earnest decision.” Drama from the past, issues with family, and money were some of the many obstacles preventing me from marrying my wife. But, before we officially decided to start courting I had to solidify my resolve to pursue this amazing woman. My earnest decision was supported by passion, wise counsel, and hopeful opportunities. I got good advice and direction from those closest to me, as well as, a clear vision of the reward for pursuing this decision. I wasn’t moving forward blindly. I had the support I needed to know that this was something worthwhile to pursue without quitting.

2. Light Breaks Through Shady Moments

Having the resolve to marry this woman was crucial, because there were moments of uncertainty, confusion, and doubt we needed to endure. We experienced many surprising situations during our courtship: job issues, car troubles, but the biggest was the surprising behavior of those close to us. As you fight for what you love there will be people who disagree with you. There will be individuals that are envious and want to keep you from progressing in your journey. There will be people who slander you, whether it’s your character, ideas, or the dream itself to keep you from winning. Then, there are people who just want to see you fail; with seemingly unreasonable behavior everything they do is an attack against you. When surrounded by shady folks and confusion, it’s then that truth will shine through. You will have people and opened doors that will be the light you need in your darkest hours. I held onto my closest friends, my resolve, and my faith in God to endure and win my wife.

3. Resistance Training Strengthens More Than Your Muscles

Those who fight professionally train intensely to prepare for their next bout. Their diet changes, their sleep pattern changes, and they exercise a lot! Part of that training is weightlifting, or resistance training. Resistance training will develop more than your muscles. As opposition comes the only way for you to succeed is to resist. You’ll have to push, pull, and move around obstacles to get to where you’re going.

Resistance looks like battling doubt that creeps in from the negativity of those close to you. It looks like trying to keep your resolve when it seems too hard. As you fight for what you love you will grow stronger. The more resistance you overcome the stronger your spirit and soul will become. My wife and I are six months into our marriage, and due to the resistance training we received from our courtship I’m confident that we can handle any circumstance that comes our way.

4. Delight In The Win After the Fight

There were times during our courtship I felt like I was going the wrong way. When you feel like quitting and giving up, that doesn’t mean you should. Our feelings change, sometimes rather drastically, but that’s not what we hold onto to win. We hold onto the resolve we made to keep going despite the opposition. We press forward knowing that there is light when it becomes dark and unclear. We fight knowing that we’re getting stronger by resisting and overcoming the obstacles that present themselves. More importantly, we hold onto the expectation of delighting in the sweet reward after enduring the fight.

I’m so grateful to be married to my best friend; I’m more grateful to know she was worth the struggle and hard work. As we pursue what we love there will be obstacles to stop us from going forward. Fighting for what you love is well worth getting cuts, bruises, and battle scars. Those scars will be reminders of the value of your prize.

[throwingdreampaint]

Art from my photography page. 

I’m obsessed with him.

[throwingdreampaint]

I have the opportunity to work on a podcast series with my mentor. We’re discussing the elementary doctrines of the Christian faith found in Hebrews 6:1-2. Check it out!

[throwingdreampaint]

Check out this podcast series I’m working on with my mentor, Ernest T. Mabrey III. We’re discussing the elementary doctrines of the Christian faith. Hope you enjoy!

[throwingdreampaint]

For being snowed in with Mommy. #Thankful #Thanksgiving365 #GiveThanks365 #Momma #SnowDays #EverydayPhotography #WinterWonderland #Ice #Love #Mommy #photography #GodIsArt #DaysOff

[throwingdreampaint]

https://soundcloud.com/aleciarenece/because-he-lives