thiscouldbesomethingreal

[thiscouldbesomethingreal]

Dec 2, gaining consistency?

Yesterday's was good. Felt good. Definitely rough around the edges with only minor edits as I went. Not sure if that will be my style this month or if it will vary day to day, prompt to prompt. Here is day two:

Which was worse?

One of you pushed me around, but insisted it was jokingly, later

One of you manipulated me, citing your own mental health to get me to stay.

One of you pressured me, and bought wine for my birthday even when I didn't drink.

One of you drank way too much, and scared me shitless too many times when I wondered if you'd survive the night.

One of you picked up smoking, and even though you knew I hated it, we never actually talked about it. But you made sure to make me feel bad about being upset.

One of you made me think I wasn't enough, 'decorating' your walls with posters of half-naked women.

One of you didn't always want me around, leading to trust issues and broken self confidence.

One of you raped me, insisting that if I loved you I should let you have me. I never said yes. You later texted "I hope you're not mad at me for what I did".

One of you isolated me from my friends until all I had was you.

One of you cheated on me with multiple girls, and somehow convinced me it was my fault.

One of you got me so drunk that I blacked out, but I came back in the middle of you trying to have sex with me. And when I stopped it, YOU got mad.

One of you broke up with me, after ignoring my calls and texts, and then hugged me and said "I wanted to be with you when you cried".

One of you gently tore down my walls, treated me well, rebuilt my trust, and made promises you followed through on. You said you'd move with me after graduation because we were forever. But then you didn't, and became a ghost a year later when I moved back for you.

These were only two different people, but who was more ruinous?

[thiscouldbesomethingreal]

Dec 1, a month of poetry

it's been a very long time since I've given poetry a try. It's been even longer since I used a prompt to guide my writing. I am hopeful that I may get a few good pieces throughout this month, and maybe even some of these prompts will be cathartic. Here we go...

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what had once been so easy

slipped into something so complicated.

it was two thousand thirteen,

homecoming.

we were under the same tent.

[i didn't know if you were going to be there.]

i was afraid to see you;

[i desperately wanted to see you.]

i saw you, talking with mutuals.

did you notice me?

[how could you not notice me?]

you didn't even try.

i left, relieved we hadn't spoken.

[i left the tent, completely destroyed.]

you were my best friend,

i thought you were my forever...

i thought you wanted me, too.

[i go back to that night you looked into my soul and swore you'd never hurt me.

somehow, the man I thought you were

turned out to be exactly like the other boys

you promised you'd never be.

you promised.

[thiscouldbesomethingreal]

You did not deserve this

This is not your fault

💔❤️‍🩹♥️

[thiscouldbesomethingreal]

Thank you.

Because,

I would have never walked away.

[thiscouldbesomethingreal]

[thiscouldbesomethingreal]

You can miss someone without inviting them back into your life 💕

[thiscouldbesomethingreal]

[thiscouldbesomethingreal]

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Whose voice is it? It’s not yours.

You were not born this way.

You do not deserve to talk to yourself the way that you do.

[thiscouldbesomethingreal]

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A post shared by Lauren Spencer Smith (@laurenspencersmith)

💔❤️‍🩹♥️

[thiscouldbesomethingreal]

“I want to be so sure of your love

that my anxieties starve and die”

[thiscouldbesomethingreal]

From ellipsis… to period.

[thiscouldbesomethingreal]

It isn’t your fault. It was never your fault.

Destroying things is who they are, just as loving deeply is who you are.

[thiscouldbesomethingreal]

😭 I just can’t do it today

[thiscouldbesomethingreal]

You can try (and try, you did).

And the mess. Oh, the mess.

[thiscouldbesomethingreal]

Houseplants grow better when spoken to kindly and are surrounded by music. Give yourself at least some of that same grace 💕🎶🎵🫶

You don’t help a plant grow by berating it for not being big enough yet or comparing it to other plants that have grown faster - you help it grow by giving it the water and soil and fertiliser and space and sunlight it needs to give it the best chance of flourishing. And if it needs it, you give it something to lean against to help it grow tall if it’s struggling to stand up by itself.

That’s how you should treat yourself - give yourself the tools and care you need to flourish, and don’t be afraid to lean on other things for support if you need to. It’s easier to flourish that way 🌸