thehypocriticalfeminist-blog1

[thehypocriticalfeminist-blog1]

Sure, not sure

I have a boyfriend, finally

I am not sure if I really like him

I should like him, but my feeling is odd, restrained, waiting for the ball to drop

I think he likes me because I come with a ready-made family

He says I am gorgeous, but I am overweight

Or maybe he is genuinely nice and sees me better than I see myself

Still, that's Too nice

I am not that nice

I wish I was, but my ex took away my sweet side

He made sure that I can't love anyone else.

I am weary of anyone too sweet, too caring, too agreeable

I need passion, with balance

I don't want jealousy, vanity, nor desperation

I feel ungrateful. I can't accept that he likes me.

I only warmly like him.

He's not very well-endowed and yeah, that's an issue for me (the ex ruined me)

The sex is ok, but I'm not turned on by him

And then it's already moved too fast for me

He likes me more than I do

He says he is comfortable, but I'm not

I am already bored

He feels like a friend

I'm also not nervous nor weak in the knees

He feels like the type of guy my ex pretends to be

Maybe that's why I don't feel much...

Shouldn't I feel more than numb?

[thehypocriticalfeminist-blog1]

When you like someone new...

And they turn out to be just as bad as your ex...Glad I dodged that missile early on...

[thehypocriticalfeminist-blog1]

Boys are not Men

I'm so tired of the boys club BS, so tired...guys, what is it about strong women that intimidates you so much? Or what is it about a woman that shows both the compassionate and the hard-ass side of her personality that pisses you off? News flash, women are 3-dimensional people, we can be super sweet and super bitches at the same time, it doesn't mean we are one nor the other.

Sorry, "not all men," but a big shitty lot of you really don't understand what an Alpha really is... it isn't ruffling your feathers and being loud...

It's being wise, patient, kind, and realizing when someone is having a bad fucking day...

...and I don't owe any explanations to any of you, but imagine how hard it is to go to work in a place where you have every trigger possible hit you all at once because someone you love once ATTACKED you there, literally. Having to walk down the same hall you fought for your life in, having to open a bathroom door you were held up against by his hand on your jaw, all the while knowing that that fuckface just moved on and can somehow pretend to be a decent human being.

P.S. I hate the word trigger, but every time a male or female acts like him, my fight or flight response freezes. Is this for real or is it not. It's like I'm still a caged animal that will never truly be free.

I'm gonna puke.

Sorry in advance to anyone if I act like a frightened animal and clap back...you have no idea...

In the visit today, my ex tells the kids, he's not moving to NYC, he's just going to work there sometimes and he's going to buy a house in a neighborhood nearby with rooms for them, emphasis on the "nearby."

I have sole legal and physical custody of the kids. He hasn't paid child support. He still tries to gaslight the fuck out of me and everyone else and I come off looking like an asshole because I cannot take this. Why do I have to keep fighting for my right to be left the f* alone?

He has girlfriend and a new baby apparently... No joke, I am scared for them... some things you don't see coming until it's too late.

Right there. Advice from someone who’s been there...I still wanna puke.

[thehypocriticalfeminist-blog1]

WWYD?

If your abusive ex wrote to you after you filed again for no contact...would you:

A. Ignore it?

B. Be petty and write what they are really saying/should be saying and post the screenshot with #fixedit?

C. Send it to your ex's new girlfriend (because what he said was not okay to say when he supposedly already "moved on")?

D. Wait to do anything because you don't want to give him any ammo nor leverage?

The thing is, I used to be afraid...now I'm just annoyed AF. I really really want to be petty because romanticizing our lives together and our break-up is BS. After a decade of hell, I deserve something that isn't bullshit.

[thehypocriticalfeminist-blog1]

Acting like you don’t care is not letting it go.

Penelope Douglas, Bully (via books-n-quotes)

[thehypocriticalfeminist-blog1]

Suffering in Silence

#metoo

Of course, I shared the hashtag.

It doesn’t make me feel better.

I still feel like, I can’t tell my story.

I still feel like people don’t believe me.

[thehypocriticalfeminist-blog1]

This just explained everything to me.

[thehypocriticalfeminist-blog1]

Colleen Hoover, Maybe Someday (via books-n-quotes)

We try so hard to hide everything we’re really feeling from those who probably need to know our true feelings the most.

[thehypocriticalfeminist-blog1]

Me too.

I have been a victim of sexual assault, harassment, coercion, and abuse. More harassment, but the others were also from male partners, namely one partner because it was all about control.

[thehypocriticalfeminist-blog1]

You can love someone so much. But if they don’t want to be saved, nothing will save them. Not even love.

Kristie Betts (via wnq-writers)

[thehypocriticalfeminist-blog1]

Exactly.

What I mean when I say "toxic monogamy culture"

the normalization of jealousy as an indicator of love

the idea that a sufficiently intense love is enough to overcome any practical incompatibilities

the idea that you should meet your partner’s every need, and if you don’t, you’re either inadequate or they’re too needy

the idea that a sufficiently intense love should cause you to cease to be attracted to anyone else

the idea that commitment is synonymous with exclusivity

the idea that marriage and children are the only valid teleological justifications for being committed to a relationship

the idea that your insecurities are always your partner’s responsibility to tip-toe around and never your responsibility to work on

the idea that your value to a partner is directly proportional to the amount of time and energy they spend on you, and it is in zero-sum competition with everything else they value in life

the idea that being of value to a partner should always make up a large chunk of how you value yourself

[thehypocriticalfeminist-blog1]

A note I wrote to myself last year. I wish I could have told him, but he will never take responsibility. Everything is, was, and will always be my fault to him.

[thehypocriticalfeminist-blog1]

Strange Day

1. I just discovered I was too busy living my life to notice that the other "love of my life" got married two months ago...

Technically, I am more hurt I wasn't invited to the wedding than him getting married and never saying anything (only have been "friends" for 16 years, but whatever). I guess I was just a long term conquest. Thanks buddy. I'm sure my ex is laughing happily in his new girlfriend's bed since he always said I was gonna leave him for you...

2. A boy from high school messaged me and told me I was just as beautiful as he remembers. He also said my love. Weird and only slightly creepy. Too bad he's a bible thumper...

3. I am done with love, being a conquest, and all the superficial shit. Just leave me alone. If you like me, then make it obvious.

4. I am done with caring what people think. My ex tells everyone I am a piece* of shit and so many awful things. He can go play in traffic along with his followers.

5. I helped a friend today. This friend has been homeless and went a little crazy, but she seems to be back on track. TBH, while I was with my ex, that could have easily been me, but my kids keep me sane and alive (that's not the same as being driven crazy by your kids). So, I'm not a shitty person. I'm just shitty to people who are shitty to me. People who are nice don't get my wrath, not that there is much "wrath"...I just find ways to block more shitty treatment.

Goodnight.

[thehypocriticalfeminist-blog1]

Still awake.

Still Awake... Countdown 'til my birthday (or a year since "the day I was attacked," literally) and 'til the restraining order that I filed against my ex expires (I am not ready, I can't). Did I write something you didnt like? Does it bother you for me to be honest? Oh, "but she did blah blah..." (Do you understand what it is to go thru emotional and physical trauma from a partner? To pretend everything is fine when they get arrested for trying to get prostitutes, for domestic violence and abuse, and later change their name so no one knows? To give in and embarrass yourself because you're far more broken than you "seem." No? Go look it up. Don't ask me to be over it. I got so tired of dealing with things that weren't true and now the only thing I regret is EVER loving that abuser. I'm not asking people to take sides (because someone else can pretend how he loves and misses people and then say I'm somehow fooling people?? No, fuckface, I am pretty sure only one of us is having panic attacks by just hearing someone's name, while the other keeps calling me a piece* of shit and heartless on the internet, tells his family I'm playing games, and keeps using his visits with the kids to play house with his new girlfriend... "You should just move on." ...Okay I'll just tell that to my jaw, the pieces of broken glass I found in the corners of my closet less than two months ago, and the hatred I have for myself for not being smarter than him and leaving the first time he attacked YEARS ago. Oh yeah, and he cheated on me constantly since the beginning (& I ignored the proof), so why the fuck do you think I gave in when I did?

[thehypocriticalfeminist-blog1]

Yaassss! 😉😍

Destroy the idea that it’s humble to hate yourself. Destroy the idea that loving yourself is conceited.

[thehypocriticalfeminist-blog1]

Proud moment

A friend tried to grab my ass. I looked him square in the face and told him to never do that again. Hug me, lean on me, hell even a kiss on the cheek is more innocent, but no, do not try to grab my ass...especially if you know what I have been through. I will never cave again. Ask permission because I don't care how drunk you are, that is sexual assault. I have enough respect for the guy to chalk it up to a mistake. However, I won't make excuses for the guy, like he is just "Handsy." No. Not when women are called sluts for our clothing, for flirting, for "looking like we sleep around." Also, not cool, when a good friend of mine dated the guy. I have more self worth than to be harassed or assaulted and somehow interpret that as "attention" or someone "liking" me. My body is a goddamn temple. Respect it. And if I let you, then you can worship it.

[thehypocriticalfeminist-blog1]

You will not heal by going back to what broke you.

love and take care of yourself (via misjudgments)