astoryfrom2016

[astoryfrom2016]

Ragini’s Side of The Story

So the reason why I’ve created this blog is so you know my side of whatever has been told to you,  which to be honest, i’m not even sure.  I just know that it feels like an injustice that I have to keep this quiet and you are the only person I care about knowing the truth for what it is. 

If it was anyone else, I wouldn’t even feel the need to explain myself but I’ve known you since I was 16, and despite that we may not talk every day or see each other all the time, you’ve still been one of my close friends and I’ve always looked up to you like an older sister.

I’m sorry I didn’t tell you for so many months what was going on or what had happened.  One reason I didn't was because you are his older sister, and I never want to paint Sharan in any sort of negative light because he isn’t a bad person.  We both got into an extremely messy situation. Right now, I feel pretty discarded, like my feelings don’t count.  That I need to be quiet and not step outside the box that he has created for me.  

It’s always been really frustrating to know how your family looked at me,  it always seemed as if I was the one chasing him, that in all these years that I was just the girl who was always after him when in reality,  it takes two to tango. He held onto to me as much (and sometimes more than) I held onto him.

I guess one of the good things about this blog is that I can also properly recount what had happened because it is such a blur honestly.  I spent most of last year battling with remaining in the shadows of his life, wanting to be chosen by him, but he didn’t, just as I knew (deep inside) he wouldn’t. 

in order to tell this story properly, i’m going to use some screenshots from my conversations of him because right now,  I look like the liar, and I promise everything Im going to say is the truth and if there are any doubts you can ask me or him about it.  I understand from his point of view, the use of screenshots is going to be a massive MASSIVE breach of privacy. And no matter what I’ll always look like an asshole too but some of the things he has said to me, I feel crazy saying that he said that without using real hard evidence.  A lot of these screenshots are used to illustrate the nature of our relationship and the extent to which he was saying things to me.

So i might just start from the beginning:

May, June, July 2016

So,  I started talking to him around this period while I was in a comfortable and easy relationship with Zain.  I messaged him on facebook saying Hi, and we simply just became friends again. At first Sharan was kinda cold towards me because of our past arguments but then he let me in and we became very close friends again.  I felt as if I couldn’t commit to Zain long-term unless I figured out my feelings for Sharan (which was a very stupid idea).

We talked quite frequently and hung out here and there.  I knew he was in a new relationship and sometimes I gave him advice + tips.  But during that whole time I would never tell Zain when I was with him and I knew Sharan wouldn’t tell his girlfriend where he was either.  

During this period both of us would make fun of each other’s partners.  It was a little obvious why we did that but we sort of both continued to make jokes about each other’s significant other and call it being protective of the other person. 

In late July after his birthday, I called in sick from work one day and Sharan had the flu so he came over and we spent the day together just cooking, watching shows, he napped while I studied, and then because my friend was DJing in the city, I asked him if he would like to tag along and we went out to dinner and Sharan got a little drunk.

On the way home we found ourselves holding hands and talking about the time we hooked up.  I asked him who he liked more me or his girlfriend and he said me, and asked me the same and I said I liked him more too, and I could kinda tell where the whole situation was going because he kissed me on the neck so I was like ok I’m going to drop you home now, but as he was leaving we ended up sharing a kiss that yeah went on for awhile.

We decided that it would be best if we didn’t see each other anymore but because he had the flu, I ended up getting really sick and he came over again to check up on me and we started talking again a little, went for breakfast later that week and ended up hooking up again.  His girlfriend came home from Europe the next day and we tried to cut contact.

August 2016

In August the we were in and out of contact, which basically means we would block/unblock each other on whatsapp/facebook when we would miss each other and it became a cycle.  But we spent a lot of August talking as I had surgery.   My feelings for Sharan started to affect my relationship with Zain so I ended things with him after surgery,  Zain knew the break up was coming for other reasons and after awhile, he realised the role Sharan played in our break up (thanks to drunk rhea again ==).

Sharan and I started getting really emotional or intense with our conversations. Like we would talk about the future (marriage) and he just said a lot of things that would indicate that he had strong feelings too.   We ended up going on a date (I didn’t actually know this was a date till he told me) to Savanas the day after I got my cast off and afterwards things got a little intimate again &  but he stopped it and then told me how he couldn’t do this right now and that the situation was only temporary and that he would be back soon eventually. 

September 2016

During this month we also were in and out of touch again, I started to see a guy named Nitin that I was friends with for awhile casually (who knew my situation with Sharan) as I didn’t want to wait for Sharan, like he said he didn’t expect me to as I had my own life and he was in a romantic relationship with someone else, whereas I wasn’t anybody’s girlfriend.  My relationship with Nitin was purely casual and only got romantic towards the end (before it ended)

It was after Spot passed away, that I started to feel like the ‘Other Woman’ as I really tried to be there for him but he was always with his girlfriend and would want to see me too, and that made me pretty upset because best of both worlds.   He used to always just say he couldn’t just break up with her because he’s best friend’s with her brother/cousin and because your family was involved. 

October 2016

During this month,  I think the hurt started to surface and I started to really feel like the other chick, even though he was still saying very loving things.  He made it clear again that the situation was temporary and that he was trying to get out of it. 

At one point (imaged below) he asked me if we could stop talking via whatsapp as our messages were too intense and he was obviously getting afraid someone would see them.  This made me very very hurt.

The day before my birthday he came over my house and we were watching tv and his girlfriend started to message him saying goodnight with love hearts and calling him ‘bubba’ and at that point I realised, fuck she loves him too.  I did ask him, but he asked me why it matters anyway. 

For my birthday he came out for dinner with Susie & William, and he even told William that he didn’t see a future with his girlfriend and that it just wasn’t the right time for us.   After my birthday night, because Susie told him to really step back and see what he was doing, he decided it would be best if we weren’t in [active] communication so he said his temporary goodbye.

November 2016

We didn’t really talk this month at all,  I was pretty upset at him over being left behind because I could see he wasn’t making any active decisions to get out of his relationship despite saying a few months earlier that he would be out by the end of the year.    He sent me anonymous messages on my blog during this period.  The boy I was seeing and I got closer too actually,  but I never allowed myself to get too close as I was in this situation with Sharan.

December 2016

As you know, my mum got really sick in early December and we started to speak again, but then it started to become clear to me that he was not going to be getting out of his relationship anytime soon despite saying that he was. He asked me for money a few times in the months prior to december, but for some reason it was only when he asked me in December for money to buy him shoes (which he said he would pay me back for but still) that I realised, how unreal whole situation was.  I told him I wanted to move on and he didn’t really say I also ended things with Nitin while my mum was sick as I didn’t want to be with him either, he was just too aware of what was happening with me and Sharan for it to even work out.

I told Sharan that I deserved to be treated properly right now and not eventually, and that if he really loved me, it wouldn’t be ‘you know my position Ragini’ he would’ve taken active steps to ensure I knew and felt like he loved me, which I didnt. These were all only words.

 I told him I needed end things with him and never got a response.  And by this  point it really felt like I meant nothing to him and everything he said didn’t mean anything either. 

I know that it seems like I assumed he didn’t care, but like if you cant walk the walk then don’t talk the talk.  Actions speak louder than words.  These aren’t just cliched quotes everyone knows about, they are important for a reason. 

The lie you were probably told:

When I spoke to Sharan earlier this week, he said that his girlfriend said that I told her on Christmas eve (presumably to her face) that he was cheating on her with me when I saw her at an event I was at.

The real story is, whilst I was intoxicated in the same bathroom as her,  as I washed my hands I sang quite passively and soulfully “Girrrrrl your boyfriend is cheaating on you, cheating on youu, cheating on you.... Girrrrl open your eyes he’s cheating on you cheating on you” not looking at her or anyone but I was actually looking at my friends smiling (I was drunk and was quite angry at the whole thing) This was hugely disrespectful, and if I could apologise to her for it, I would. Only because she is a woman like me and I have no idea what she could be going through right now.  Also, I knowingly left a lot of room for Sharan to deny it, which he definitely did.  I knew he was going to say something like ‘SHE CRAY’, My older brother calls it ‘Anger Misplaced’ which it definitely was. 

Sooo, where to from here?

You know the more I think about it,  I realised how much you would’ve understood this situation, not because you know me and Sharan on a very personal level, but because you have been through something similar.  & honestly, now that I understand,  I’m sorry if I wasn’t there as much as I could’ve been during that period. 

I’ve started talking to a professional about him, well, I had been seeing a psychologist for a few months during because of surgery, which she knew what was going on with him and she would always try to get me to see what was actually going on but I was too invested at that point to objectively look at what was going on.   I only wanted to talk to her about it till I was 150% ready to make the decision to walk away for life, which I am now.  I saw what I needed to, and it really wasn’t what I wanted.  No matter how beautiful the fantasy was, it was never going to be reality. 

There is no hate, none at all towards him.  I feel really bad for him too,  he didn’t mean for all this to happen. I have a lifetime of memories with him for which I will always be grateful,  But I’m looking to move forward with my life and away from all this.  It’s going to be a long process of healing as there is a lot of things I need to face and accept.  

I understand if we can no longer be friends after this, and eventually I will accept that, but I hope you now see things from both perspectives and the whole story makes a lot more sense to you now.  It was always important to me that you knew the truth eventually.  I just hoped it would be in a more positive way and not via this blog.