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honeyedmiller · 1 year ago

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Law of Attraction—Chapter Four: Moth to A Flame

series masterlist | previous chapter | next chapter

rating: 18+, minors dni.

warnings: professor!joel, age gap (reader is late 20’s, Joel mid 40’s), no outbreak!joel, plus size!reader, consensual professor / student relations, so much fucking angst, lots and lots of emotions, talks of the struggles of being plus sized, smut (f oral receiving, unprotected piv), arguing, crying, mentions of a terrible past relationship, this chapter is just literal heartbreak. no description of reader other than being plus sized. mood board is for aesthetic purposes only.

word count: 4.7k

a/n: i gotta say, this chapter is kinda self indulgent. had a fwb for two whole years that literally made me go crazy emotionally and I finally willingly ended it this year… so a lot of this is kinda how i felt during my experience w this. also, huge shoutout to @party-hearses for literally holding my hand through this every step of the way. idk what i’d do without you, dude. love you to pieces.

chapter synopsis: there’s only so much you can do as your feelings for joel bubble to the surface.

It’d been around a month since Joel made you the offer.

The offer that made your stomach twist into knots every time you thought about it too much.

You’d pretended everything was fine and that you were okay with the whole ordeal, when in reality, you felt sick every time it crossed your mind.

You could’ve easily just told Joel you didn’t want to go through with it anymore. You knew that.

But something in your heart was tugging and pulling and hoping and fucking wishing he’d change his mind, say fuck the whole friends with benefits thing and just want to be with you.

You could’ve told him no more, but with the way he looked at you like you were the only woman in the world when you were completely vulnerable with him, slotting himself between your legs, pushing into you, an adoring stare with every drag of himself in and out of you—how could you confront him? How could you lose the one thing you had hoped for?

It sounded pathetic. Maybe it was.

There was no denying it anymore, though. You’d fallen hard for the very man that swept you off your feet. But, that’s also the problem—what goes up, must always come down. Your emotions were everywhere, and it wouldn’t be long before you knew you’d start spiraling.

You didn’t want to tell Adrienne how you felt, and it’s not because she’d ever tell you I told you so. No, it was more so the fact that you were too prideful and you didn’t want to show her how vulnerable this has made you—how vulnerable he’d made you.

This is not the woman you used to be.

Maybe there’s something sweet in being soft and allowing yourself to succumb to someone’s desires for you, but not like this. Not to you. You wanted Joel in a way you’re sure he could never accept, and that broke your heart into a million pieces.

To, dare you say, love someone who will never feel the same way was the most gut wrenching, grueling feeling.

You had to tuck away those feelings in a box that you’d shove under your bed and forget about, though, because graduation was coming up in just two days.

Your last finals were today, and despite your mess of emotions and feelings, you were excited to finally graduate. You were proud of yourself for sticking to your goals.

You stared up at the dress you got for graduation, now hanging up on your closet with your regalia. Finding a dress was so much harder than you anticipated, and it made the whole shopping experience miserable.

The only thing that kept you going during that whole try-on process was Joel’s words replaying in your head about how beautiful you were and how much he adored your curves.

While it was nice that he thought that of you, you became disappointed in yourself for allowing yourself to thrive off of his validation. You’d spent so long trying to build your confidence from the ground up to where you didn’t need validation from others to feel beautiful. You were never reliant on anyone to make you feel secure within yourself, and you sure as hell didn’t want to start now.

The drive to school was silent. Soft tunes of a Fleetwood Mac song played over your car speakers as you mindlessly drove to campus. Your first final was in Professor Sanchez’s class, and your last one was in Joel’s. You weren’t particularly looking forward to seeing him today.

You’d been feeling like shit about the whole situation since you both last fucked, which was a couple of days prior at his house. Instead of fucking in his office like usual, he’d invited you over for a drink, following up with mind-blowing sex in his king-sized bed.

You were surprised at first, thinking you’d never see inside the four walls of his sanctuary. It was a lot more homey than you’d anticipated it would be. Lots of family photos on the walls; cozy, worn-in furniture decorated the space in a way that flowed well; big stacks of books and a huge collection of DVDs that surrounded his TV. His neatly made bed was centered in his room, adorned by the ample amounts of the May sun that’d shone through his windows.

You only got to look around his bedroom for a few seconds before his lips were on yours, hands roaming your curves as he undressed you in record time. After he’d fucked you well, he pulled you into his side and caressed your body in a soothing, comforting way.

The sex part of it all wasn’t the complicated thing. No, it was the way he fucking looked at you after you both were catching your breaths, fucked-out, dopey smiles on your faces as you stared at each other. He looked at you with such sincerity and gentleness. There was a passion behind his eyes that sparked every time his eyes scanned your features.

A wanting desire. A carnal need far beyond something that was just friends with benefits. You saw it in his eyes.

This is why you were so back-and-forth with your emotions toward him and this whole situation. It was your way of justifying why you should stay and give this a chance. There was just that little sliver of hope, and that hope is what you clung on to as if your life depended on it. That hope was the only thing keeping you from completely breaking down.

You found yourself aimlessly walking into Professor Sanchez’s class. Everything was a blur. Taking your seat, receiving instructions for your final exam, taking said final exam. It was you simply going through the motions, barely even registering that you’d never step foot into his classroom again.

You had a twenty minute gap between Professor Sanchez’s class and Joel’s. You knew you should at least fuel your brain with a small snack before going into his class, but your stomach was in knots again.

Agreeing to be friends with benefits with Joel was a bad idea. You knew it, Adrienne knew it, and hell, even Joel knew it.

You knew you’d be the one to catch feelings and want more. You hated it. It sucked the fucking life out of you, leaving you a crying mess every night before you fell asleep.

You were so emotionally and mentally exhausted. You felt foolish for thinking even just for a second that you’d be able to change Joel’s mind about your relationship—if you want to even fucking call it that—with him.

You kept your head down when you entered Joel’s classroom. You were a couple of minutes early, but luckily, there were a few other students already seated. You felt Joel’s eyes burning holes into your head, and you shifted in your seat uncomfortably.

Please, for the love of god, stop staring at me.

That’s all that was racing through your mind. You felt your phone buzz, and when you saw Joel’s name on the screen, the knot moved from your stomach to your throat. You felt like you could barely breathe. You just wanted to take your final and get the fuck out of his classroom and away from him.

But then, realization dawned on you. He had no fucking idea how you felt, so you being so stand-offish toward him would only raise suspicion.

You looked at his text.

Everything alright?

You sigh and type back, trying so hard to swallow the goddamn knot in your throat that won’t seem to go away.

Everything’s fine.

Not even a minute later, your phone buzzed again.

Stay after class for a bit.

You wanted to scoff at his text. Sex was not going to fix how you felt. In fact, it would make things even worse.

Can’t. Going out with Adrienne tonight.

You couldn’t help but glance up at Joel, who was looking confusedly down at his phone. He sighed and set his phone down on his desk, chair scraping against the floor as he stood up. He went over the final and the rules, distributing the tests shortly after.

One thing you were grateful for in that moment was your ability to zero in on the test, feelings for Joel and his lingering stare set aside. You’ve come way too far and studied too hard to get distracted now.

You were one of the first few to finish, turning in your test onto his desk. He nearly reached out to grab your wrist to stop you from leaving. He’d seemed to have forgotten where you two were at the moment.

You gave him a warning glance as you slipped your hand abruptly back to your side. He played it off like he was reaching to grab the small stack of finished exams, eyes clouded with confusion as he looked up at you.

You mumbled a thanks, Professor Miller before walking out of his class, thankful to never have to step foot in there again.

You mindlessly swirled the amber liquor around the glass cup you were sipping out of. You truthfully didn’t feel like going out tonight, but Adrienne wanted to celebrate you finally finishing all of your coursework.

She wanted to stay by your side, but a cute man had come up to her and asked her to dance with him. You insisted she go, because you truthfully didn’t want to suck her cheerful mood into your misery.

You downed the rest of your drink and pushed yourself off of the barstool, needing to get out of the thick haze of smoke the bar was currently bathed in. You sent Adrienne a quick text telling her you were getting a breather just in case she came looking for you at the bar.

You rounded the corner of the bar and pressed your back against the cold wall, sending a chill down your spine. The mid-temp air swirled around your body, filling your lungs with gratitude for not having to breathe in machine fog for another second.

You watched as people passed by, laughing and carefree as they stumbled down the sidewalk with arms interlocked or shoving their friends playfully while boisterously laughing at a joke someone said.

You sighed as you felt tears stinging your eyes, wishing so badly you were able to feel their happiness in that moment. You felt like you couldn’t get your fucking emotions together for the life of you. Your pre-Joel self was dying to come out and feel an ounce of happiness again.

It’s like you were trying to constantly set a candle aflame, and he’d blow it out. Over, and over, and over again. A constant cycle that never ended. A moth drawn to a flame that ended up getting burned in the end because it couldn’t keep its yearning and curiosity and desire to itself.

It killed you inside knowing that you let this affect you so much. The part of you that screamed that you didn’t need Joel’s validation to feel seen and beautiful was being easily overpowered by the feeling that his validation was everything you need to thrive off of.

Being a plus sized girl most of your life came with many struggles—many of which you’ve overcome, but some still lingered like an annoying fucking cough not even medicine could get rid of. You’ve been told you’d never be the beauty standard, or that you’d look better if you were thinner, or you should work out and eat healthier because the way you looked seemed unhealthy.

You’d crumpled up those nasty words and stomped on them anyway, because at the end of the day, the people making those comments didn’t know a single goddamn thing about you or your life. You were just a random girl in their story; one whose presence had an affect on them so much so that they felt the need to make comments about your appearance.

But none of their fucking words mattered.

What mattered to you was that you’d spent years building up your confidence and self-love to get yourself in a good headspace about your appearance, finally in tune with your body and loving that it gave you life.

But, because of those mean words and terrible past dating antics, you’d built a wall up around yourself to protect yourself and your heart from getting hurt again. Allowing Joel to experience the vulnerability you kept locked away felt like a fucking punch of air out of your lungs.

Because, why the fuck would he not want to be in a relationship with you? Why would he offer to be friends with benefits when he was in his mid fucking forties? Were you not good enough? Was it because of the age difference?

You’ve tried to think of every possibility there might’ve been to conclude why Joel just simply didn’t want you like you wanted him, but you were drawing a blank.

You wiped the salty tears that streamed pathetically down your face, straightening up before taking a deep breath, walking back into the bar to order as many drinks as it took to simply just fucking forget.

The buzz and excitement for graduation shortly followed just two days after.

But, just like most things these days, it went by in a blur. It felt so liberating to walk across that stage; to have done something for yourself—something that was all yours. Your moment. Your success. Your absolute fucking willpower to see this through to the very end. You finally had your masters in criminal law.

Your mom and dad were proud of you. Your siblings were proud of you.

You were proud of yourself.

It’s a feeling that’d been foreign to you these days, hiding in the shadows of the carnal desire for something more with Joel.

You were never one to ask for much, but with him, all you could seem to want is more more more.

Was it greedy of you to want more than just a good fuck?

Maybe to him, it was.

The buzz quickly wore off with that thought constantly in the back of your mind, replaying like an old scratched record that was stuck on a song that could never seem to make it to the crescendo.

You found yourself in your favorite coffee shop just a few days after graduation, desperately applying to any jobs that were hiring a freshly graduated criminal law student.

Fixated too much on the screen of your laptop before you, you barely even paid any mind to the familiar person standing right across from you. It’s only when they cleared their throat that you looked up, surprise written over your features as you see Tess standing before you.

“Tess! What a lovely surprise.” You greet, the first genuine smile stretching over your lips in almost a week.

“Hi, sweetheart. Mind if I sit and keep you company?” Her voice is honeyed and kind, a hopeful glint flashing through her green eyes as she looks down at you.

“Not at all.” You gesture to the chair across from you, and she takes a seat.

“So I hear congratulations are in order.” She folds her hands around the perimeter of her coffee cup and purses her lips.

You grin and wave her off playfully. “Masters shmasters. No biggie.” You shrug, and she laughs at your nonchalance.

“Nonsense, darling girl, that’s a huge deal.”

You give her a small thank you in gratitude, closing your laptop so you could put your undivided attention on her. She nods her head toward your computer, eyebrows threading together.

“You applying for jobs?”

“Mhm. To just about every position I can find that I’m qualified for.” You take a sip of your iced coffee, wishing the espresso was just a tad stronger.

“Which field are you wanting to go into?”

“I was leaning more toward forensics.” And Tess quirks her brow at that.

“Y’know, I could get you in with the bureau. Misty and I know lots of people in forensics, and they’re always looking for people to join their division.”

“Oh, Tess – I – I couldn’t possibly – you’re Joel’s best friend and I’d feel awful–” You were stammering your words left and right, trying to find footing in what you wanted to say, but nothing seemed right.

She reached a warm hand out and clasped it over yours, immediately making your mouth clamp shut. You were honored that she’d even put in a good word for you, but she barely knew you. She’s Joel’s best friend.

“Sweetheart, this isn’t about Joel. This is about you and your future.”

She was right. Just because she was Joel’s best friend, didn’t mean her offering to put in a good word for you had jack shit to do with him. You were the one who worked hard to get to where you are, and hell, there was absolutely no harm in networking. That was what the criminal justice expo was all about a month back anyhow.

“Speaking of Joel,” She softly murmured, almost seemingly hesitant to ask. “Not to pry, but are you still, you know, seeing him?”

You felt your body heat up at her question, gaze averting to your iced coffee. You were suddenly transfixed on the sweat around the plastic cup, leaving its wake of water rings on the wooden table.

“Um, yeah. I haven’t talked to him much recently, though.”

It was true. You didn’t know how to face your feelings head-on for Joel. It was like a fucking beast in the wilderness that wanted – no, needed – to hunt you down and eat you alive.

And so you ran.

You ran without looking back, avoiding the devastating feeling at all costs.

“God, that man is such an idiot.” Tess mumbled under her breath, but the coffee shop was quiet enough to hear her words of disdain.

“Why do you say that?”

Tess’s eyes bore into yours, her hand reaching back out to yours to give it a squeeze – a warning.

“I’m gonna be truthful here with you, sweetheart, because you’re a good person and you deserve so much better.”

You nod your head in the slightest, willing her to continue.

“You see–” She pauses, trying to conjure up the right words she wants to say. “Joel’s a good person. He really is. Is he an idiot for asking you to be friends with benefits? Absolutely. Fucker’s too old for that shit.”

Tess rolls her eyes, and you chuckle softly at her small rant.

“But, truth be told, he has trust issues. He has a fear of getting hurt. He keeps his guard up because he knows that as soon as he lets it down, someone can walk into his life and worm their way into his heart. I think–”

She pauses, shaking her head subtly before sighing. “I think he’s afraid of falling again because of his last relationship. It didn’t end well. Left him heartbroken for nearly a year after that stupid bitch was caught with another man in their bed.”

You sat back, trying to process the information spewed at you.

It all makes so much fucking sense now.

“Christine is the reason for all this. If I could wring that bitch’s neck I would.”

“That bad, huh?” You ask.

Tess purses her lips and shakes her head.

“You have no idea. Joel was a mess. He wasn’t like himself – far off from the best friend I love and know. It was like he was a marionette and her cruel actions were the ones controlling his every move.”

And suddenly you felt so bad. You felt bad for being angry with Joel, but you know you shouldn’t feel bad.

You agreed to his offer, yes, but he was using you solely for the intimacy to fill a void in his life – that carnal need that tried to claw to the surface. The very void he was afraid would swallow him whole if he didn’t get his fix of you. The thing you saw in his eyes after every time you two fucked.

The very thing that felt like it was eating you alive.

You huff out a laugh through your nose, shaking your head with a sardonic smile across your lips.

“Sometimes I feel like I’m the marionette and Joel is the puppeteer.” You tap your nails on the table as a nervous habit, and Tess’s hands cover yours.

Her eyes held sympathy as she looked at you, probably because she’d chewed Joel out for the very thing that was making you fall apart at the seams.

“Well then, sweetheart, maybe it’s time you cut the strings.”

You carded your fingers through Joel’s graying hair as you tugged, moaning his name in desperation. His head was buried between your thighs, making your mind fuzzy and forgetful of everything you’ve been going through mentally the past month.

His skillful tongue catapulted you into your release, crumbling down as your thighs shook and your whine adorned the walls of your bedroom.

He trailed soft kisses up your thighs, fingers indenting into your flesh as he gripped onto you. The drag of his stubble against your skin sets it ablaze, making your eyes flutter open and look down at him.

His soft brown eyes met yours, something behind them you couldn’t exactly read. It was quickly masked with a cocky smirk stretching onto his plush lips, maneuvering upward so he was hovering over you. He moved down to kiss you hungrily, cupping your cheek gently before dipping his tongue into your mouth.

You could taste yourself, moaning against him as your hands glide down to his hips. The taut muscles of his thighs flexed underneath your fingertips as you pulled him closer, wanting to feel his bare chest on yours.

You couldn’t blame him for wanting the intimacy, because hell, it made you feel like you were floating on cloud nine.

It was addicting. Almost fulfilling. You wanted more. More of him, more of his beautiful mind, more of the sweet moments of the real Joel you got to see behind his unyielding exterior.

You wanted it all with him, and yet, he wanted none of it with you.

It fucking stung.

Maybe you were as naïve as you thought, way too over your head with this.

Joel pulled apart from you, gaze meeting yours as he softly smiled.

“You ready for me, darlin’?” His voice is soft, pulling you from your rather brooding thoughts.

You nod, giving him the go-ahead. He collects the slick that’s smeared through your folds, lining himself up with your entrance. He pushes into you slowly, and he chokes on a gasp from how tight you are. He suddenly realizes you’re tense, so he cradles your head before looking down at you.

“Y’gotta relax for me, honey.” He coos.

Honey. That’s a new one.

He moves up to leave a soft kiss on your forehead. You don’t know why, but the action makes you want to cry. You try to ignore it as he presses into you, praising into your ear about how much of a good girl you are for him.

You’re completely enveloped in everything Joel, the feeling of the drag of his heavy cock in and out of you searing itself into your mind. Your mind was swirling with all sorts of emotions again, and for the sake of your own sanity, you wish it would just fucking stop. You wish your mind could stray away from feeling everything all at once.

Joel felt good. He felt safe. He was broad and strong and handsome and generally kind – everything you want in a man.

His lips moved down to your neck, kissing the soft flesh generously. He managed to find your pulse point easily, causing you to elicit a breathy moan into his ear. You felt his smile on your neck as he began to suck on that spot that drove you crazy, and you gasped.

“Joel, you’re gonna leave–fuck, you’re gonna leave a mark.”

“You’re mine.”

Stop fucking saying that.

You’re not, and he made that very clear when he offered to just be friends with benefits.

Joel picked up his pace, and as much as your mind was distracted, it felt too good. You were nearing your end in a haste, and Joel followed right after you. He was out of breath as he pulled out and collapsed next to you, eyes screwed shut as he tossed his forearm over his eyes.

You got up to go to the bathroom so you could clean yourself up and use the restroom. You came back out, slipped your oversized t-shirt over your head and sat next to Joel’s limp body. You couldn’t hold it in anymore, tear after tear falling down your cheeks.

“I’m not her, you know.” Your voice came out shaky, but it got Joel’s attention.

“Who–?”

“Christine.” The name rolled off your tongue with a surprising bitterness. Joel moved his arm down and looked at you with furrowed brows and a dark stare.

Anger flashed across his eyes. The muscle in his jaw was ticking rapidly, completely irate.

“How the fuck do you know about her?” He spits, moving to stand up hastily. He puts his boxers back on, followed by his shorts.

“Does it fucking matter? I’m just telling you, Joel, I’m nothing like her. I wouldn’t fuck somebody else in the same bed we’d share. I don’t understand why you don’t want to be with me.”

“Don’t fucking talk about her again to me, ever. Not another fucking word.” He was avoiding your last words, a pang in his heart for what he felt for you, but he was seething. He hated that you knew the reason why he was so fucked up when it came to relationships. It felt like you had the upper hand, and he didn’t like it one bit.

You laugh and shake your head, tears continuing to wet your cheeks.

“You’ve made me feel more things for you in this past month than I have for any other person in my life…probably ever, Joel. What’s so bad about us being together?” You press again, because fuck, you really wanted an answer.

He ran a hand over his face, shaking his head. “Be fucking realistic here. It would never work out between us. You’re my student–”

“Was.” You interrupt.

“Was my student. But you’re too young. You don’t have your priorities straight, you’re freshly graduated. You’re too… inexperienced.” He tosses his shirt over his head and crosses his arms, the thin material stretching over his broad, tense shoulders.

“That’s genuinely just rich coming from you, Joel. You didn’t seem to have a problem with my age when you bent me over your desk, or fucked me in the hotel room, or your room, or ten fucking minutes ago. I’m nearly thirty, so don’t spew that bullshit about my age. You’re also really one to talk about me having my priorities straight,” You step around your bed to face him. “You’re in your mid forties and you wanted to be in a friends with benefits relationship, Joel. You’ve called me yours so many times, look at me like you feel something for me, and then expect me to go about as normal? What the fuck is that?”

He pauses for two seconds, nearly blacked-out irises staring into your own glossy and tired gaze.

“It’s not my fault I didn’t live up to the expectations of myself that you created in your head.”

You purse your lips into a thin line, taking a step back from him. He was right, but that didn’t mean it hurt any less.

“I–I can’t fucking do this anymore with you, Joel. Please get out of my apartment.”

“So that’s it?” He tosses his hands up, looking at you in disbelief. He looked almost, dare you say, disappointed.

“Get out.” You whisper, more tears adorning your cheeks. He scoffs and brushes past you, letting himself out of your apartment with a slightly more forceful closing of the front door. You didn’t care how dramatic you might’ve been in this moment, but you sank to your knees and buried your face in your hands.

You cried and cried and cried, the pain in your heart something you’ve never quite felt before.

You wished nothing more in that moment than to be able to reverse time and make sure not to give in to temptation, because holy hell, she was the fucking devil.

The constant hurt in your heart was a reminder that this was very real, it happened, and you were stuck with the cruel aftermath of it all.

But, Tess was ultimately right.

You were Joel’s marionette no more.

tag list: @ilovepedro ; @nostalxgic ; @bastardmandennis ; @tinygarbage ; @cool-iguana ; @untamedheart81 ; @nclgsticore ; @pamasaur

#joel miller #joel miller smut #joel miller fanfiction #joel miller fic #fic: law of attraction #professor!joel #professor miller #plus size!reader #joel miller imagines #joel miller series #joel miller x plus size reader #joel miller x f!reader #joel miller fanfic #joel miller x you #joel tlou #joel the last of us #joel miller au #joel miller angst

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shewhotellsstories · 5 months ago

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People say Eloise is a self centered white feminist who enjoys the privileges that come with being a Bridgerton and although that's true, she is also a sheltered teenage girl who needs to learn about the world.

Her feelings of marriage are valid and while she needs to learn that desiring motherhood and marriage doesn't make a woman lesser, it's part of growing up and learning true feminism. She's a baby feminist but viewers don't want her to grow. How many teenage girls in today's day and age are all-knowing about feminism theory? Her friendship with Theo taught her about the working class and that connection to the outside world could have been a great learning experience for Eloise. Yes she has the privilege of being a Bridgerton but that safety net is exactly why she should be allowed to advocate for things the way she wanted Whistledown to(not a critique of the character but rather the writing and the fandom)

Penelope did some selfish things as Whistledown, abusing her power (cause it wasn't just about being gossip girl for the bag) and rather than acknowledge that we're expected to sweep it under the rug. I LOVE flawed characters because the writing acknowledges their wrong doings and yet certain characters get away with murder.

Eg s1 Blair was awful to Serena and while she had her reasons for doing so, revenge and her own self worth and abandonment issues, the show acknowledged this and we wanted good things for Blair. Serena slept with her best friend's boyfriend and covered up a mans overdose but we still root for her because she is a good person and is trying to grow.

If Penelope doesn't acknowledge her wrongdoings how can she grow as a character.

"Okay publishing a burn book is wrong but I love writing and I'm good at it, maybe I should become Jane Austin or something."

(throwing in how Edwina was raked over the coals for being angry with Kate and while the half sister comment was uncalled for, she wasnt given the same grace Penelope has been given)

I'm sorry for how long and all over the place this is.

No, I get it. The issue is that some characters are given grace while others are crucified. Some characters have their circumstances considered when examining their behavior while others don't. I hate it that some characters get novellas dedicated to defending their bad behavior while others should've just known better.

And that's totally the way I see Eloise Bridgerton. She's a baby feminist! She is in her just watched Ironed Jawed Angels and has maybe read a few zines era of feminism. When I was 17, I remember saying in class that I didn't think it was possible to be a SAHM and be happy and now my opinions have radically shifted because I'm not a kid anymore. Now, if you'd ask me I'd say it's a vulnerable position to be in economically because your security is tied up in your marriage working out and or your husband never dying, but it's your choice ultimately. What a difference a fully developed brain and college professors who require you to read bell hooks and Audre Lorde can make.

But seriously, the sad irony of Eloise being raked over the coals for "doing nothing" is that she was trying to become more informed and it blew up in her face. Spending time with Theo and other members of the working class was really good for her. Sadly, Penelope should've known better than most that she was genuinely trying to expand her worldview, but Eloise is the only person getting the bad friend allegations.

And yeah, as much as I love Kate and Anthony, people were way too hard on Edwina in season two. No one wanted to hurt her, but who in her position would toss confetti?

Plus, I'm really glad someone else is seeing the endless Gossip Girl comparisons that can be made here!

P.S. If you're interested one of my favorite Kanthony fics ends in Anthony and Kate encouraging Eloise to become a fiction/social commentary writer.

#asked and answered #eloise bridgerton #anti penelope featherington #theo sharpe #edwina sharma #bridgerton

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mermaidsirennikita · 4 months ago

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I'll be completely honest, I just kinda feel like the romance genre needs to accept that dubcon/noncon, whether or not you want to read it, was a big part of the genre's history.... and no amount of rerelease editing is going to make that go away.

You wrote a book; it was a long time ago; you followed conventions of the time; you maybe wouldn't now; but you were in fact writing into a genre that did raise you creatively on this element being a big part of it.

No issue with authors wanting to voice what they'd change, make edits with author's notes (and without the erasure of the original content). But pretending it didn't happen does nothing to help us, and it frankly makes it harder to treat the genre as one deserving of serious, potentially academic, analysis. If you're erasing the original work because it makes you uncomfortable, how can we discuss it honestly and analytically and contextually.

This is a very different matter in some ways, but—Eloisa James (an academic scholar who got her doctorate from Yale and taught at Fordham at one point, among other things) backed out of writing the forward to a special edition Georgette Heyer book because of the antisemitic content being removed. It erases an important part of the work, however we may dislike it. How can we DISCUSS the book if the book has been mangled and its history compromised?

"But it's less readable with the bad content", I mean, yeah. For a lot of readers, noncon and dubcon takes a book off the table. And that's so valid. And it's also true that no book can be for everyone. It Happened One Autumn is not for readers for whom dubcon and noncon is a hard stop. I so respect that. I frankly think it's a bit insulting to butcher a book like that in order to get readers who have hard limits to read something that like... famously did. Just let them pass on a book.

I mean, the reality is that for the AUTHOR, there are many reasons to make edits likke these, and again, I'm not necessarily against releasing a VERSION of your novel that better matches your perspective today... as long as that's very clearly not the only version around. For the publishers? It's money. It's making a book more palatable to a larger group of people.

But also... some people like reading dubcon and noncon. And that's okay. And they should have books with content that they like to read, too. And it's fine. There's a huge history of women reading that content specifically to process complex feelings about their experiences and their feelings about their places in the world, and also to simply have fun, and... yeah. That's valid, too.

I just have a lot of feelings about this practice, and it really does come back to a love of the genre and wanting everyone to have books that they enjoy reading (while acknowledging that literally zero books work for everyone and that's OKAY). And a RESPECT for the genre too, and a desire to make it something you can study, if you so please, like any other. I think there's a way to satisfy readers who want to just read for fun and people who want to read for fun and take the genre seriously. We just don't need to make every book cozy and without people who have flaws in order to do so.

#romance novel blogging

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mommyownsmee · 3 months ago

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hello mommy, i hope you’re doing well today. i’ve never really interacted before, sort of just been a silent follower up until now, but i wasn’t sure where else to turn to for this sorta thing. so basically, i’m very inexperienced in general, even when it comes to sexting. but i was dabbling in it the other night with this girl and we were chatting and sending pictures, all was well! she then kept asking and pushing me to do things i wasn’t ready for, and when i told her “i’m too nervous to do that right now, i’m sorry” or “i’ve never done that before, i’m not sure, i’m sorry” she told me that i had to be punished for that. i ended up blocking her in the middle of our convo because she kept pushing, which i feel guilty about, but i didn’t know what else to do! was she just a bad apple, or was i being overdramatic? now i just feel a little down an dejected, but reading your blog makes me happy. 💕 thank you for reading my rant, mommy. have a lovely day.

Hello honey. 𝒙𝒙

[I‘m sorry for the late answer, I just found your message when I was scrolling through my anons.]

First of all, I want to thank you so much for reaching out to me. I know how tough it can be to open up about something that feels so raw, especially when it's a situation that has left you feeling uncertain and vulnerable. The fact that you chose to share this with me means so much. It really speaks to your bravery and your trust, and I’m honored that you feel comfortable enough to come to me with this.

What you’ve described sounds like it was a really difficult and confusing experience. I can hear the pain and the frustration in your words, and I want you to know that those feelings are completely valid. It’s totally normal to feel nervous or unsure when you’re exploring new territory, especially in something as intimate as sexting. It takes a lot of courage to even try something new like that, and even more courage to recognize when something doesn’t feel right and to speak up about it. That’s not an easy thing to do, but you did it. You showed so much strength and self-awareness, and that’s something to be incredibly proud of.

It’s so important to understand that your boundaries are yours to set. No one has the right to push you into doing something you’re not ready for or comfortable with. It’s okay to say no, to express that you’re not ready, or that you’re unsure. Anyone who truly cares about you and respects you will understand that and will be willing to go at your pace. What this girl did was not respectful. She was pressuring you and disregarding your feelings, which is absolutely not okay. You deserve so much better than that.

I know it might feel confusing or even a bit upsetting that you had to block her, but please don’t feel guilty for protecting yourself. You did exactly what you needed to do in that moment to take care of your emotional well-being. It’s okay to prioritize your feelings and your safety. That doesn’t make you overdramatic at all; it makes you strong and self-caring. You recognized that something was wrong, and you took action to ensure that you didn’t get hurt any further. That’s something to be proud of, not something to feel guilty about.

I also want to address that feeling of guilt you mentioned. It’s completely natural to feel bad for cutting off a conversation, especially if you’re the kind of person who wants to please others or avoid conflict. But please, sweetheart, remember that your comfort and your boundaries are more important than someone else’s demands. You have every right to walk away from a situation that doesn’t feel right, no matter what.

I’m really sorry that this has left you feeling down and dejected. It’s hard when someone doesn’t respect us, especially when we’re trying to be open and vulnerable. It’s okay to feel sad or hurt by this. It’s a sign that you have a big, beautiful heart that just wants to connect with others in a meaningful way. And that’s such a lovely quality to have. I know it hurts now, but please remember that this one experience doesn’t define you or your worth.

You are worthy of kindness, respect, and love, just as you are. There are so many people out there who would be lucky to get to know you and would cherish the chance to connect with you in a way that feels safe and comfortable for both of you. Don’t let this one negative experience make you doubt yourself or your value. You are a wonderful, sensitive person, and that’s something that should be acknowledged.

I hope you continue to take care of yourself and give yourself the grace and kindness that you deserve. It’s okay to take some time to heal and to process what happened. And if you ever need someone to talk to, whether it’s to share more about what you’re feeling or just to vent, please know that I’m always here for you. You’re not alone, and you don’t have to go through this by yourself.

Sending you a big, warm hug. I’m so grateful to have you in this space, and I hope today brings you a little bit of comfort and peace. You are strong, you are brave, and you deserve all the love and happiness in the world. Thank you for sharing your story with me and for being such a bright light in my day. Take good care of yourself, and remember that you’re worthy of all the love and respect in the world.

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jungkookslipring · 2 years ago

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Not All Sunshine & Rainbows 🌈

Summary: you had an ugly coming out experience with a friend and you were devastated. Carbs-racha comes to the rescue❤️

AN: another experience that did in fact happen lol thank you @felixburneracc for choosing this lovely racha❤️ also to all of my gays, theys, and questioning baes, you are loved, and you are valid.

Happy almost pride month!🌈

Pairings: carb-racha x reader ✨

Genre: hurt/comfort ❤️‍🩹

Relationship: platonic 🫶🏽

Growing up you came from a very loving a supportive family, so it wasn’t too hard to come out to them once you were ready. You were slightly nervous to tell your friends, but half of them were beyond supportive and happy for you, while the others were of course equally as supportive but laughed their ass off and either said “we been knew” or “uh duh?”. You were blessed beyond belief. When you became friends with a new girl early in the year, you shared similar interests and even started going to concerts together. You became very close very quickly, best friends at that. You realized after a few months of being friends, you have not come out to her. It wasn’t until one day you decided to just casually say it, and long story short, it did not go well, and it broke your heart. You had one acquaintance in the past who said nothing but awful things about your community, and you had no problem never talking to them again, vowing to yourself that if you ever had an encounter like that again with one of your “friends”, you would have no problem cutting them off cause you had zero time for fake ass bitches…so why was this so hard? Why were you staring at your friend in disbelief when she said the same hurtful things but in a passive aggressive, more of “this is just how it is” tone? How come you felt so numb yet so hurt at the same time? How come you suddenly had the urge to cry? You excused yourself from her apartment and left immediately. You drove home, your heart torn, and your eyes slightly misty. You were so confused. You have made so many memories together just in the span of a few months, and you felt like it was all crashing down, cause once again, someone who was extremely closed minded, said awful negative things about your community, TO YOUR FACE. When you got home, you sat in your car for a second, trying to process what just happened. You promised yourself you wouldn’t keep anyone who wasn’t supportive in your corner, and now you were fighting with your brain whether or not you wanted to work it out. When you finally got out of your car, you started walking up the steps, and the very second you stepped into your apartment, your vision blurred. Your cheeks were immediately wet and your chest hurt. Being alone was on your agenda but suddenly you felt the need to be in someone’s arms. You turned your butt right around, walking out of your apartment door and back into your car. You weren’t sure who to call first, but that decision was made for you when one of your best friends sent you a pic of brown sugar boba in their hands with the text “thought of you today!’ right under it. You sniffled as you sent back a text almost immediately.

“Hyunjin… can I come over, please?” 😣

You almost didn’t hit send but his hugs sounded so good right now. You hit the arrow and waited. Almost immediately he responded.

Princet: “OF COURSE SILLY COME OVER” 😀 but not too long before sending

Prince: “Wait, is everything okay?” 😶

Your lip quivered when you typed out

“Not really”

You know is phone is surgically attached to his hands when he sends

“Come over y/n”. Not too long after you got two more messages from your friends. They must’ve been next to him or something.

Pup: “Drive safe y/n”

Maknae: “Whatever it is, it's going to be okay”

You blinked back the tears that were threatening to blur your vision so you could drive to their place. They didn’t live too far from you, but you know, safety. Once you got to their place, you pulled up your emergency break and stepped out of your car. You knew your eyes were probably puffy and red, but you knew there would be no judgment, and that was all you needed right now, no judgment. When you got to their floor, you quietly knocked on their door. In .2 seconds, Hyunjin was at the door, his face softening when he looked into your eyes. He didn’t even know what was wrong, but you weren’t one to get upset often. So seeing you so broken was devastating.

“Oh y/n…” he whispered when more tears filled your eyes. He gently grabbed your wrist and pulled you into the apartment, seconds before your cheeks were no longer dry. Hyunjin pulled you into his arms once the door was closed. Seungmin and Jeongin came around the corner, sharing worried glances at each other before walking over to you and Hyunjin. The tallest held you close as you did your best to hold in any noise that your body was desperately trying to release. The boys could sense that.

“Y/N, you don’t have to be so strong, you can let it out,” Hyunjin encouraged. You shook your head. No. You weren’t going to be weak now. Seungmin came up and started rubbing your back.

“It’s a safe space, y/n, I promise,” Seungmin said comfortingly. You knew that. You knew you could be yourself around them. You knew you could be who you were but you didn’t want to be weak. You didn’t want to show them that side of you. Did you trust them? Of course! With your life! But you’ve always been strong for them, you didn’t want the roles to reverse just yet. It wasn’t until Jeongin came up behind Hyunjin, and placed his forehead on yours to whisper,

“We love you y/n”.

You broke. You broke and you broke down hard. You didn’t think this one friend had that much of an impact on you but it was evident how hurt you were when you were soaking Hyunjin’s shirt in your tears. Sob after sob was ripped from your throat as the boys held you.

“It hurts, it really hurts,” you cry out as you tighten your grip on Hyunjin’s shirt. He leaned his head on yours as he brought up his hand to cradle your skull. They’ve never seen you so sad before, and they were ready to fight whoever hurt you like this. Seungmin and Jeongin went from rubbing your back to creating one big group hug around you and Hyunjin. You hated crying but you had to admit, it felt good letting it all out. After what felt like an eternity. You lifted up your head from Hyunjin’s shoulder and wiped your eyes. He kept a tight yet gentle grip on you as he looked into your eyes that still had a pool of tears in them.

“I’m sorry, it’s stupid,” you croaked. Seungmin shook his head.

“Nothing that makes you this upset is stupid y/n, isn’t that what you always tell us?” He asked gently. Damn, you really were the biggest hypocrite.

“What happened?” Jeongin asked as you laid your head back down on Hyunjin’s shoulder. You closed your eyes and let out a deep exhale. You were drained. Hyunjin stroked your hair.

“You don’t have to tell us if you don’t want to, y/n, but we’re here ready to listen with no judgment whatsoever, yeah?” He said so sweetly. Dammit you loved your friends so much. Another tear fell from your eye, and Jeongin was quick to wipe it away with his thumb. You let out a shaky breath and nodded slowly.

“Let’s go sit down,” Seungmin suggested, placing a hand at the small of your back. The four of you walked to the couch and sat down. You were seated in between Seungmin and Jeongin while Hyunjin squatted in front of you, gently rubbing your thigh. Seungmin had his arm around your waist while jeongin had his arm around your shoulders, your head leaning towards the youngest. You let out another shaky breath as your eyes got misty once again. You didn’t know how to say it, you were still in shock.

“I uh…I guess I kind of just had a really…really not good coming out experience with a friend…” you whisper as you try to swallow the lump in your throat. Jeongin made a pained noise as he squeezed your shoulder and kissed your head.

“I’m sorry about that y/n…” Hyunjin whispered. You shook your head.

“It’s fine,” you said quietly. Seungmin began to rub your side. You began to explain to them everything she said, and their eyes turned to the size of saucers.

“Y/n, that’s opposite of fine,” Hyunjin said with so much hurt in his voice.

“They had no right saying that kind of thing to you,” Seungmin said right after.

“That’s so awful…” Jeongin whispered as you sniffed on his shoulder.

“Guess I was meant to have at least one person not support who I am…” you squeak out. Hyunjin shook his head.

“That’s not true, no one deserves to go through that,” he whispered, still rubbing your thigh. You were torn cause you wanted to keep your friendship alive but you were hurt. You explained your troubles and the three guys listened intently.

“Whatever you decide to do, we love you, ALL of you, and we support you no matter what, okay?” Seungmin slightly chucked at the end when he wiped another tear that fell from your eye. You give him a tight lined smile as you sniffle.

“I love you guys so much,” you whispered. They hugged you once more, reminding you that you were loved.

#stray kids #stray kids x stay #skz fanfic #stray kids fluff #seungmin #jeongin #hyunjin #skz imagines #skz fluff #skz stay #skz x reader #skz angst

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elkkiel · 9 months ago

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fuck it I know I said yesterday I'm gonna hold on and wait but I just need to get some thoughts out of my head.

Content covered: love and empathy to Caiti, why he's taking so long to get his statement out, and frustrations with balancing personal mental health vs understanding that this isn't about *you*

1) Love to Caiti

I can't even imagine what she's going through right now. Regardless of if George had innocent or malicious intentions, it's obvious that this situation was incredibly traumatic for her. And I'm so glad that she has friends that are publicly willing to support her. I talked about it when Shelby spoke up so I won't bring it up again, but I get what she's going through and how much it fucking sucks. Hopefully, no matter the outcome, she can find peace and healing moving forward.

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2) Why he's taking so long

*I'll make statements empathizing with how difficult the self-defence process must be, but it in no way condones or excuses his potential behaviours or actions involved in this situation. He is a grown man and can deal with the consequences as such

The rush to get a statement and potentially closure to move on is understandable but still super stressful all the same. Given the severity of how this will impact his entire life moving forward, I wouldn't be surprised if he's seeking legal counsel or other advice before proceeding with a statement. Additionally, this is likely a situation where there may be little to no evidence that proves he didn't do anything, so whatever he presents has to be circumstantially rock solid with little room for doubt.

This isn't twitter drama where you can link a few screenshots and a twitlonger, or hop on stream quick to spout out your perspective. He stands to lose absolutely everything in his life today and it all depends on what he has to say and how he manages to say it. I know if I was in a situation like that (in the case that he legitimately believes he hasn't intentionally done anything wrong) I would be preparing in every way possible, short of a lawyer speaking for me, to clear my name to the best of my ability.

It makes sense that he's taking so long. He's probably not trying to ignore it and move on, but the lack of clarity on timelines certainly doesn't help him either. I wish he'll say something now too, but there's nothing wrong with taking longer than anticipated to detail out (probably with some fairly intimate detail that may be uncomfortable for anyone to share at such a scale) the most important stream of his life.

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3) Autism and grieving a special interest

There are (or were) a lot of neurodivergent people in this community. Like, a LOT. Some of us are able to drop hyperfixations or special interests and move on to something new with relative ease. Others struggle a hell of a lot more. You're not a bad person if you mourn the loss of a special interest in your life, it's just important that you keep the right perspective about it.

It's not as strong now as it was years ago, but the dream team have been a special interest for me since like July 2020. Emotionally, it honest to goodness feels like a loved one has died and I'm having a really hard time coping with it. Fuck, like I called in sick to work today because I the mental toll is so extreme I'm feeling physically ill.

Things will be okay and I'm so grateful to have Sleep Token right now, otherwise I don't know if I would be in a very safe place at the moment. It's really fucking hard and your pain is valid, despite what neurotypicals or neurodivergents with different experiences may say. The important thing to keep in mind is that your pain does not outweigh the pain of those genuinely hurt in this situation (Caiti in this case)

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4) Moving forward

I guess it all hinges on what's to come later today. Regardless of the outcome, things will never be the same here and I would be very surprised if any of the dream team carry on with their careers in the same capacity. I'm glad that people seem to be self-blaming less this time compared to the drituation. It still hurts to see this once-vibrant community crumble in such a short period of time.

I don't know what I'll do from here but I don't think the last 4 years were a waste. The dream team was a huge source of happiness during some of the darkest times of my life, and I don't think those memories could ever be tainted.

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Much love to everyone, whether you're still hanging around or not. I hope everyone finds happiness wherever they end up and that the truth will prevail in the end

#tw: sa mention #fandom discourse #elkk.txt

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unhappytimeleaper · 1 year ago

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Hello, may I request Q, T, and Y with Kuro x reader? Thank you and have a wonderful day. 💟

requested by anonymous

Word Count: 3,150+

I love Kuro. It was a while ago on a chat, but I realized I kinda have a type for delinquents. Oops. This mainly doesn’t go too much into the actions that make him a yan, I do touch on it occasionally or try to slip some of it in there, but I didn’t want to get too off-topic from the letters which meant I had to leave a lot of it out. Also, I wrote half of this 7 months ago and the rest today, so I’m sorry if it’s a little disjointed.

Also, I finally gave in and watched up to part 5 of Jojo, and I have… feelings. My poor friends are being subjected to all of them,, and someone should come to save them. TLDR for those curious, but I did not care for part 3, parts 1 & 2 were decent, I love part 4, from the art style to the characters, and part 5 I adore the characters, but I’m weak to character deaths :(. Maybe with time, I’ll possibly add them to my list but no hopes. Anyway, Kuro.

Kuro Kiryu; Unedited. Gender Neutral Reader.

Warnings; yandere content, mentions of potential threats, alludes to minor manipulation, self-isolating, and simple fights. Nothing is in detail nor is there truly anything bad but as always it is yandere.

This blog is 17+ please have your age in your bio or tagged; any ageless blog and below the age asked for will be blocked at the end of the week.

Quit: If their darling dies, leaves, or successfully escapes, would they ever be able to move on?

This would vary on if you leave or die rather than escape as he is also one where a lot of the relationship borders on unhealthy. It mainly is because Kiryu has some self-awareness to where things run too far but gets lost in the minor details. His delinquent past might affect some of his actions, but it's not as of he's one to ever use physical harm against you to get you to obey. He tends to focus more on voicing opinions. While he rarely might force you to not interact with others [generally completely strangers rather than friends or family unless he has proof they are bad news], there is a self-imposed guilt you feel when doing so, causing you to avoid others. Unlike others who force rules, and force isolation, Kiryu doesn't make it, so there ever is something you need to escape from. This would be unlike Eichi or Shu, for example. Even being yandere, it’s likely that with Kuro, the relationship develops naturally– or at least appears that way to an extreme extent that there never was some sort of reason to fear Kiryu in the form of genuine escape.

Leaving might be the most common reason or situation the two of you might face. Various reasons; thinking you need to experience life outside of a relationship, becoming tired of the relationship, dating an idol being too stressful, realizing you and Kiryu just don't connect past a honeymoon phase, etc. There are many reasons why you might want to break up, not wholly reliant on his yandere behaviors, but regardless of what it is related to, he often will have the same reaction.

No. Okay, maybe it comes off scarier than he intends when said like that, but Kiryu means, no, we can work this out. You know he's not attempting to come off as scary. He has never been in the relationship, and more so, his fear factor comes from how he traditionally is himself. Kiryu rarely even goes out of his way to threaten others to avoid you; the way he talks and carries himself does that for him unless he can find some valid excuse that even you can’t deny being a good option. Kuro also has never had a past of lying to you when he says he didn't threaten them or did something— it really was the others who picked to act that way post their conversation– although it’s hard to say for sure if there truly was never any violence or threats under his actions. However, no reason to doubt him is still no reason to use it in a breakup. It's not to say that he isn’t aware of his fear factor and thinks of it as a benefit in these situations, but honestly, he tries extremely hard not to do anything bad. He's changed from the delinquent days anyway when he would have quickly jumped to use violence to get them to stay away from you. Really, he doesn't want to do anything to tarnish his new reputation to you, nor have his actions come back and likely affect his sister or career. Leaving him becomes a lot more difficult because while he isn't necessarily the smartest at problem-solving or convincing you to stay as others might be, he tries. He tries so hard that it's impossible to stand your ground firmly. He works to make it so you can compromise [in his favor] to stay with him. Or a break up isn't really a break up— yeah, you've agreed to label it as a break, but this only if it's clear you don't want to date anyone else. Kiryu, even in this situation, hovers around more; not quite a relationship way that you feel you need to tell him to back off, but enough that it feels you're always on the brink of appearing still together. You can blame it on ES, for such a large building; it seems everyone is always wrapped up with each other in some way, although all of it is still profoundly intentional in Kiryu’s actions to stay near. If it is the route of still dating with compromises, these can vary but rarely will it alter or break aspects of his yandere traits as most of these result from his stoic, straightforward, and scary appearance. It's more working on adding things into the relationship to keep you more excited or understanding while a honeymoon phase is over; there are still think you can do together/have in common. Just cause one stage ends doesn't mean to give up; it means working to enjoy the next phase too. So ever really leaving is quite tricky because Kiryu's directness just results in a rebuff of finding reasons to stay, even if it gets to the point staying is just easier than leaving. There even is sometimes a sinking fear that you’d be throwing away the best partner you might ever get because of his personality over this. What if there really never would be anything better? Would you have to come crawling back to him begging for another chance– it’s entirely self-inflicted, but a tiny part of your mind would have to eat away at the possibility.

If you do manage to break up unless you are leaving the country as a whole, where it is hard to avoid Kiryu even if it's clear the relationship is over. Most of his actions feel like he's trying to win you back, such as cooking your meals or asking to spend time with you while he works on a sewing project. It's often weird, but his ability to be direct can make him easily be able to pass it off as being over you. These are just him, well, being him. Even in ways other idols can verify this is just his personality, even if he is being that awkwardly kind self. Under the surface, you know it's more than that… but there is no proof, the uneasiness no one else can understand. Though it's not misplaced, Kiryu's kindness might appear as just his standard attempt to make amends for his past as a delinquent, but everything he does is his goal of making you regret ending the relationship. That maybe you'll fall back in love with him, or you'll come crawling back, calling it a mistake. It’s undeniable that even with his jealousy and misplace tendencies he’s a wonderful partner, brother, and teammate. Kiryu deep down is still a good person fighting against his past and urges– and it’s hard to find someone who would likely treat you as good. Post breakup you’d likely fall back into seeing only happy couples too, it all sinking in just like you feared that even though you have so much life left to live you just tossed aside the best person you could have been with. Perhaps all that anxiety and weird feelings you were getting was from something else– your mind making all sorts of excuses to convince you to just text him those simple words. “Let’s get back together.”

Also all of this is his way of hovering to ensure no one else can pursue or harm you. Kiryu is well aware that even if he's changed from his past, others might hold grudges, and much like how he feared that might impact his sister, he knows that if it got out you were his ex, there is always a chance they might you use against him. Or there might be jealous fans— both upset you hurt him by breaking up or upset that you had the opportunity to date him. There is no telling what might happen, and he might not directly admit these reasons to you as it could become a bigger fight, thus harming the chance of ever getting back together.

Would he move on? If you're around, no. There is always a lingering chance, and if he is around just the same, you’ll unlikely be able to meet someone new. Okay, well, if you were gone completely… maybe. Just like how Kiryu has changed from his former delinquent lifestyle, he also knows there is a point in growing and changing in other ways. Not to say his yandere tendencies heal from this, but he knows it's unfair for him to forever pine after you when you are entirely gone living away from him. It doesn't happen quickly, he locked his heart away for years after this loss, and it's easy to tell even to others he becomes even more reserved [something most won't think was possible, but you proved them wrong]. He might become more snappy with subjects and reject many other forms of care, such as friendships. But in five years… ten years… things might change, and some of that ice might melt again, allowing him to try again. However, the second you show up once again he would be ready to start anew.

Furthermore, if you were to pass away either while dating or post-break-up, where you are still around, the answer is no. Kiryu will have believed that he was lucky enough to have met his soulmate so young, and unfair it might be he doesn't deserve a third chance. His personality is the same as if you were to move away forever; colder, and that stoic nature becomes bitter and quick to tell others off. He doesn't need anyone else, not friends, not someone to love. His sister really would be the only one who would have close contact with his personal life and understand on a deeper level his feelings, usually being the voice of reason to others as to why he became the way he is now [assuming this is in the future and she is also growing up]. He'd care for a grave site weekly, and overall, it feels like a piece of him died along with you.

Tears: How do they feel about seeing their darling scream, cry, and/or isolate themselves?

There are more what feels like two layers, and it depends on the reason and reason you might be having a moment of out-lash at him.

Take, for example, isolating yourself because you’re upset with him or an action he took or an argument. In this sense, Kuro would probably think you’re being childish. This is the behavior his little sister would have if upset or pouting, not an adult in a relationship. He would likely become more closed off and stoic at the moment and find himself annoyed at the action you are taking rather than settling to deal with the problem at hand. Ironically, it’s just as contradictory that he closes himself off too and doesn’t work to resolve the problem, but if you want to act like a childish brat, why should he have to fix the case you started? Kuro isn’t really the type to make it so you’re fully locked away, unable to have any form of life, and thus resort to isolating yourself in disdain for him. If in a fight, you do resort to isolation to calm down or whatever, then it’s expected you should be able to talk for a short moment before coming to Kiryu to resolve the issue. The longer you wait to talk over the ‘tantrum’, the more frustrated Kuro will get and likely leave him in a grumpy, cold mood to you for longer, unable to express his emotions as he doesn’t want to take them out on you either. Like this, his fear factor only increases, and his hovering nature seems to double for the amount of time you hid progressively. Even if it wasn’t forced isolation or him actively trying to scare other people off, they are now wanting to avoid him and you, by extension, even more. In the end, it only seems to backfire creating a cycle of loneliness problems.

As for something like screaming or crying in a fight, Kuro gets quiet for a reason of self-reprimanding. Not that he feels too guilty over his actions but that his actions once again come back around to hurt someone he loves. Kuro is well aware that his jealousy isn’t normal, and that his actions have never been the healthy solution, but he’s trying. He so desperately wants to amend his past, to melt and burn and tear up the negative and harsh feelings of jealousy boiling in his mind and heart. That this could all be normal, you could love each other and not have to feel this way if he just had done something different. And while he’s quiet, appearing perhaps slightly disinterested or the scowl on his face making you only fear more, he does nothing. He doesn’t take a step; he doesn’t flinch his hands, it almost looks like he’s not breathing with how steady he goes, telling himself not to lash out like the delinquent side of him wants to. He’ll simply wait, running scenarios and words over and over in his head while you exhaust yourself. Honestly, he’s probably not even processing the majority of your comments, so fixated on his thoughts. And as your screams turn into whimpers and tears begin to dry along your cheeks— too exhausted to keep going, Kuro will finally make his move coming over to comfort you. He’ll wipe away the crusting tears with a personal handkerchief and wrap you in his arms slowly as you hiccup those feelings away. In the end, you don’t remember what you were even screaming and crying about; Kuro too distracted to fully reflect the cause either. The fights are usually too far and few in between, but they are draining, with nothing ever being resolved waiting for the next time it comes around.

Yearn: How long do they pine after their darling before they snap?

Kuro takes a long time, at least compared to the majority of the other idols. And it stems from keeping his guard up— both because of his past haunting him and his natural exterior from being a delinquent, his personality, and his wish to change.

To start, Kuro knows his personality is… rough at least from an outsider’s perspective. He’s aware he’s intimidating, his a wall of a person, and his face doesn’t always convey the intentions in his heart. It’s no secret to anyone that even the softness he has is not easily exposed in his demeanor, nor that his ability to pick and throw grown men isn’t terrifying in itself. Even if you don’t come off as frightened by his rough exterior and bluntness to topics that come off as harsh or off-putting at times pre-relationship, there is a lingering doubt in his mind to rush into things. And this leads to the other point; Kuro wants to change. As mentioned, he’s deeply aware not only of his feeling of being over-driven to a not-so-standard degree but being a delinquent doesn’t come with an easy change. It’s not even the fights that are hard to shake off; it’s all of the mentality, the lessons, and skills that come from that life. He doesn’t want, you know, to see that person he once was. He might still be underneath everything because change is more complicated than people expect. Kuro wants the soul mate relationship he feels; he wants to be the knight, not the villain. He wants the fairy tale love from the stories and movies he watches with his little sister— more than giving in to his jealousy and unsavory thoughts. So he waits. Hoping that things can change, not progress.

And the other reason I touched on a little before. His guard has to be still and shaking when getting into a relationship is not easy. Kuro wants to relax, give in, and just let things happen. But being a delinquent means always being on guard, and his softness, while a strength can only be shown in small amounts, tries to keep himself safe. It falters around you more than others, even more as time goes on, but it takes a long time to chip away that shield. And the other guard is, like I said— Kuro knows delinquents make enemies. He has plenty, and while being a famous idol can protect him more so now others might seek revenge on his sister or you. It’s one of the key factors that both hinder and progresses his yandere tendencies because if his guard is up, you can’t love him back, and you won’t be a target. But you’re around him anyway… and it’s unlikely that delinquents care to verify a relationship’s true nature as long as it’s exploitable.

Between these contradicting factors, it takes months. This is beneficial for Kuro means everything can play out, and fall into a relationship like an average couple. One void is his tendencies fogging up the back of his mind, eating away at his heart. It genuinely starts off simple… progressing into seeing him while he sews— one of the few times he lets down his guard— and hanging out with him more and more. It turns into bringing you lunch and hands brushing over each other. It’s hard to suspect him of doing anything wrong, or thinking anything wrong. His rough exterior becomes a flustering teasing point that makes his ears burn, chin buried in his hand. And the bluntness is useful. Asking you out is direct. It’s effortless and more of a command, so you can only blush and agree when the time finally comes. Kuro doesn’t need to snap or to lure you into something. He’s one of the few that isn’t genuinely trapping you, but that doesn’t change the manipulation and fear dripping down his heart; one day, you’ll see past his facade to the delinquent locked away but never truly gone.

#enstars.leaps #yandere #yandere writing #yandere x reader #yandere ensemble stars #yandere enstars #yandere headcanons #yandere scenarios #Yandere Kuro #yandere akatsuki #Yandere Kuro Kiryu #enstars x reader #ensemble stars kiryu #kuro kiryu #tw: yandere #Yandere Kiryu

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after-witch · 9 months ago

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messages

I got a lot of lovely messages about my back pain at my first day of work so I'm answering them all in one post!

thank you for the kind messages & logical responses, I really really really really truly appreciate it when people take the time out to send something thoughtful to me.

under a keep reading!

Anonymous asked:

I'm not sure if it'll help at all or if you could use one, but there's some companies that make cushions that are portable (or semi portable) for office work and truck driving and stuff, they can help with bad chairs and back pain (I got one for my mom years ago after an injury, she quite liked it) (I'm so sorry if this unsolicited advice is unwelcome)

no it's not unwelcome! I have one for strapping into chairs that I got last year, but tbh I found that a rolled up pillow was better for my back, at least with the chair I have.

Anonymous asked:

hello Theo! it's okay to feel the way you feel after your first day. a new job is a very stressful experience and there's an element of shock, because you rapidly enter a new environment and are required to adjust to it very promptly.

I'm more than sure that neither your boss, nor your colleagues will be against it if you bring yourself a pillow to support your back to work. you can start small with a pillow, if you feel awkward about more significant adjustments, and then later negotiate a question of bringing a more comfortable chair, if you have resources. you need to be a special sort of asshole to start picking on your employee for a back pillow.

this is an immediate health need that should be met and an absolutely valid reason to request making adjustments on your workplace, doctor note or not. 1) the more comfortable you make yourself the more chances are that it will improve your overall performance; 2) from the employers's POV accommodating to the needs of an already on-boarded employee is better than going through the hiring process all over again.

I wish you all the best and I am sure you will do great once you adjust! sending you a mental hug

"shock" definitely fits… it's all very fast and just, jarring I guess?

I brought a cushion today and no one said anything. I did find out what I need to do in terms of requesting accomodations via an online FAQ (I didn't want to ask my manager so early;;) but I will need a doctor to fill out a form, so I have to wait until next month when I have health insurance.

Thank you for the kind words and logical thought process. I sometimes just need people who are not me, currently in hysterical emotional frenzy, to be like no, this is not a big deal, only assholes will care about a pillow and employer's would rather complete an accommodation request then find & hire someone new.

Anonymous asked:

You absolutely should ask for accommodations this early. They hired you because they know you were right for the job, they want you there, so they will help make it easier for you. They are obviously nice people so ask.

You've been through alot of stress and anxiety recently so having that all build up on you after your first day is normal.

It's hard to not think negatively I know but don't let your brain spiral you until you have talked to them. We are always are own worse enemies!

It will be fine, you will be fine

It turns out I do need a physician to fill out a form so I will have to wait until next month when I have insurance. But thank you for the logical thoughts... I get so wrapped up when I feel negative emotions, I kind of lose myself in them. I brought a cushion today and no one said anything.

I have been really stressed & anxious and it's kind of like the Cherry on Top when something went wrong with my back. I'm always waiting for something bad to happen so to speak, when things go right... so when my back hurt so bad yesterday I was just like "Welp!! here it is!!!! right on cue!"

Anonymous asked:

First few times I took a flight I dealt with horrible muscular pains the days after, the first few days I could barely walk each time. The reason why that used to happen to me, even though I thought I was relaxed and just sitting, was because I was unconsciously straining my muscles due to stress I wasn’t aware of. Eventually the whole thing became casual to me, so the stress and the pain went away and these days I’m completely unaffected.

Of course a condition such as yours might further exacerbate the pain, but as you get used to the new climate and process I doubt you’ll have to deal with it for months or years. It’ll become like sitting at home.

I think for sure, I was straining when sitting at the chair, because it doesn't have the same type of back (nor is it as wide) as my chair at home... so I feel like my back muscles were straining for hours and I didn't think about it. But also the chair is rather awful (other people were complaining about them, especially with it hurting their thighs!) so I hope I can get an accommodation request.

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highwaytothedangerzone502 · 1 year ago

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Foxtrot Alpha Alpha - Chapter 22

Pairing: Hangman x Female OC

Word Count: 3206

Warnings: Swearing, grief, death

Summary: Hangman learned his lesson a long time ago to never show his true feelings when someone's words or actions hurt him. To do so showed weakness that could be exploited, and Seresin men couldn't show weakness. Of course, there was an exception to every rule, and Jake's always came in the form of women, three in particular: his mom, Juliette Kazansky, and the girl whose name he could no longer bring himself to speak. She was the girl that got away; she was his biggest 'what if' and his biggest regret; she would forever be the ghost that haunted his dreams. Jake believed that's where she'd stay, for he would surely never see her again after what he did.

Or so he thought.

Notes: This is the sequel to India Lima Yankee; I'm using the same callsign for the Female OC as in Ghost Story because I just really like it, but they are different characters; chapters in italics are flashbacks. Also happy birthday @shanimallina87!!

Chapter Songs: State of Grace (Acoustic) Labyrinth

****

Ghost

After the catharsis of finally admitting all her troubles, concerns, and self-loathing for having felt the way she did for so long, a small weight lifted off of Ghost's shoulders. Juliette, the saving grace that she was, had listened so graciously and consoled her distraught friend when needed. She had validated the fact that Ghost had endured a severely traumatic experience, and while Ghost herself recognized this, she had never truly been able to accept it because why had no one else reacted similarly to her after enduring such a horrific event? Why had others been able to move past such awful circumstances, whereas she held onto this grudge for years?

Maybe because I technically lost two people I loved that day...

The realization did not help lessen the knot in her throat, but Raptor laying next to her with his head on her knee while she built the crib certainly eased her anxiety. Add in Juliette's uncanny ability to keep Ghost talking while avoiding any topic where Hangman would be brought up, she found herself wholly at ease again. Not long after, the first crib sat fully constructed on the girl's side of the room.

Ghost and Juliette stood, admiring their handiwork and teamwork. The latter inquired, "How long do you think this would've taken the boys?"

"Oh, at least a week. In their defense, they only had the Chinese instructions. We found the English ones. That did help."

"True, but we're not going to tell them that, are we?"

"Oh, hell no. We'll make them think we're just that good." Ghost grabbed the instructions and crumpled them up. "Hey, is my makeup okay? I'd be amazed if my earlier breakdown didn't ruin it somewhat."

Juliette studied her friend's face. "Yeah, we might want to touch up your eyeliner. It's smudged enough that the boys might question it. Come on."

The girls headed to Juliette's bathroom, the dogs on their heels. Sure enough, when Ghost caught her reflection, she grimaced at the messy eyeliner. It definitely gave away her tearful confession. Juliette dug through her makeup bag and handed Ghost her concealer and pencil liner.

"You're a lifesaver in so many ways today," Ghost said, leaning forward to apply the makeup.

"This is what friends are for. Besides, you saved mine when I passed out at the Hard Deck."

"Any of the Daggers could've done that."

"Yeah, but you kept Rooster calm at the hospital. Trust me, that's not an easy feat. He's distrusted doctors ever since they misdiagnosed his mom's cancer, and he's not trusting them with me either. Seriously, you kept him sane."

"Maverick helped."

"Maybe, but they're still working through some things, relearning each other after over ten years of not speaking," Juliette said, leaning against the counter, "I'm honestly not sure Maverick could've calmed Rooster down the way you did."

"How are they doing?"

"Compared to when the mission training started? It's a million times better. They're still working each other out, seeing how much the other wants them around, how much they can prod without pissing the other off, and it's mainly Maverick being hesitant. He doesn't want to bother Rooster and inadvertently cause him to withdraw from him, but then Rooster still knows when Maverick isn't telling him everything and starts thinking he's hiding some big secret again, and it's a... whole thing."

"Sounds like this happened recently," Ghost noted, putting away the borrowed makeup.

"This morning," Juliette confirmed, shaking her head. "Rooster thinks Maverick is hiding something because he went to the hangar without telling us like he normally does, and I agree with Rooster; I do think Mav is hiding something, but he's also a grown man who doesn't need to tell us everything. I think Rooster's paranoid that his dad's keeping another life-altering secret from him again. I'm trying to convince him that's not going to happen, but you know Rooster: once he gets an idea stuck in his head-"

"It won't go away unless he's proven firmly right or wrong."

Juliette nodded. "Exactly."

"Speaking of Rooster, has he or Hangman texted you about where they are with dinner? I'm starving," Ghost said. Her stomach growled in agreeance with uncanny timing.

"No. I should probably check on them," Juliette mused, taking out her cell phone. As if their ears had been burning, the garage door opened, followed by the irked voices of Hangman and Rooster. Sharing dubious glances, the girls went to greet them and to check what had taken so long. Upon seeing the men, it took no time to figure out why. Paint splattered their jeans and shirts and speckled their faces, hair, and Rooster's mustache.

Ghost looked them up and down in disbelief. "Did you have a fight with a paint can?"

"Actually-" Rooster started, setting his bag of food on the counter and glaring at Hangman- "you wouldn't be far off."

"They shouldn't have had an open paint can on an unstable ladder," Hangman grumbled, setting his bag on the counter.

"You shouldn't have been near said unstable ladder!"

"It was either that or us getting barrelled into by that biker gang, and I'm choosing the damn paint, Bradshaw."

"You could've pulled us in the other direction," Rooster pointed out.

"Yeah, but it was farther. You're the one who tripped on your own damn feet and caused us to start falling in the first place."

"You're lucky they love Juliette so much; otherwise, I don't think we'd be allowed back there." Rooster turned to his fiancée and said, "We went to Home Depot to get them a new can of paint, and it was a bitch to find. That's what took so long. I'm sorry."

Juliette laughed. "I always know to add an extra hour onto whatever errand you're running when it's you two. Why don't you take off your clothes, change into new ones, and I'll try to get these stains out?"

"Honey, if you wanted to see me shirtless, all you had to do was ask," Rooster teased, winking playfully at his future wife while stripping off his shirt. Hangman followed suit, and Ghost tried to avert her eyes so she wouldn't be caught ogling his Adonis build, but a few sneak peeks happened.

The two men hurried to the master bedroom to grab some new clothes. Juliette and Ghost both peered around the corner, watching them go. The girls glanced at each other, then burst out laughing and hurried back to the counter before Rooster and Hangman caught them.

"What are you two giggling about?" Rooster asked when he returned, wrapping his arms around Juliette's waist from behind and resting his head on her shoulder. Hangman stopped on the opposite side of the island, watching the couple with an unidentified emotion.

"Nothing," she and Ghost said simultaneously.

"I find that hard to believe," Hangman jested. He grabbed some of the to-go containers and placed them on the table. Ghost followed with the remaining ones, purposefully putting her food next to his to reserve her spot. She wouldn't separate Rooster and Juliette because of her feelings toward Hangman. She would take the high road and continue being as cordial as possible with him in front of others.

The group sat down and dug into the food, chatting amiably about wherever the conversation led them. Ghost tried to bring herself to ask Hangman questions directly but choked on the words every time. What could she ask? What could she say? How could she even think about attempting to reach out when she couldn't think of a simple thing to say to him?

Ghost listened to the bantering between Hangman and Rooster, but Juliette fiddling with her necklace caught her attention. After commenting on how pretty the dainty anchor locket was, Juliette responded, "Thanks! It was the first gift Rooster ever gave me when we started dating. It has our saying on the back: India Lima Yankee."

"India Lima Yankee?" Ghost repeated, perplexed.

"Means 'I love you' in the phonetic alphabet. It's how we used to say I love you when we were just friends, so our other friends wouldn't read anything into it. Of course, then we started dating, but we let it stick."

"That's so sweet!"

"Yeah, I had a crush on her for the longest time," Roosted admitted, jumping into the conversation. He placed his hand on Juliette's thigh. "I meant the saying romantically for most of the time we started saying it, but I never realized she did too until we finally admitted our feelings for each other."

Ghost smiled nostalgically, the story reminding her of what she and Hangman used to say to each other. Without thinking, she said, "I had a similar situation with a friend. We loved each other, albeit only platonically, unlike you two, but still kind of similar. We had a saying we reserved for each other only, too."

"What was the saying?" Juliette asked, her gaze flicking momentarily over to Hangman.

"Forever and always. I would say, for example, 'I've got your back.' He would respond with 'Forever,' and I would say 'and always.'"

"Oh, that's adorable!" Jules gushed. "I'm blanking right now, but what would that be in the phonetic alphabet?"

"Foxtrot Alpha Alpha," Hangman said, staring at Ghost with a mixture of confusion and wistful reminiscence and the silent question: why are you bringing this up?

Ghost held no answer for him because she had no clue herself. The memory popped into her head and rolled off her tongue before she could consider the consequences of voicing it. Maybe this was her sign to rekindle her friendship with Hangman. Maybe she had to suck it up and accept that she would never get an explanation from him about that fateful day. Or perhaps she had to start the friendship again in order to get the explanation. It was worth a shot.

"I like that: Foxtrot Alpha Alpha," Juliette said, standing up from the table and grabbing her empty container along with the others'.

"People might think you're referring to the Federal Aviation Administration," Roosted joked. Standing up, he added, "I'm going to work on the crib some more, see if I can make heads or tails of those instructions. Hangman, you coming?"

"Right behind you." Jake followed Rooster to the bedroom. Juliette and Ghost locked eyes and silently waited for the impending interrogation about the newly built crib. Sure enough, hardly five seconds later, the boys returned, and Rooster said, "Now, I could've sworn when Hangman and I left, the crib had not been built."

"Maybe it was the dogs," Juliette suggested innocently, popping a missed fried crawfish into her mouth.

"I might believe that if they had opposable thumbs, but they don't. Please tell me you did not build that by yourself."

"Don't worry, I sat the entire time. Ghost did all the heavy lifting. Literally."

Rooster sighed. "Fine, fine. Did you find the English instructions?"

"No, we followed the Chinese ones," Ghost lied easily, standing up and stretching. "I don't know what you two found so difficult about them. Y'all need help with the second one?"

"We could probably use some supervision," Hangman said, meeting Ghost's gaze. Unless she was mistaken, she saw a glimmer of hope in his green eyes.

"Count us in," Juliette chirped. They all headed into the nursery and sat down to build the last crib. Juliette, now wholly outnumbered, sat in the recliner and watched. She asked, "By the way, Ghost, how's Jackie?"

"Oh, shit, I completely forgot to tell you about that!" Ghost exclaimed, straightening in surprise. She dove into the story of her sister's woes and broken marriage. Hangman, Juliette, and Rooster listened intently, aghast at the flimsy excuses Ryan had given Jackie for ending their relationship so suddenly.

"That smells fishy," Hangman declared in distaste. "Sounds like there's someone else in the picture."

"I started wondering the same thing. However, I didn't want to say anything when she was already distraught. We'll likely find out if it's true sooner or later. See, this is why I don't trust marriage. Outside of you two-" she waved the Allen key at Juliette and Rooster- "I see so many problematic marriages. Hell, even my parents briefly split up about a year before I was born, if only for two weeks, but still. Now Jackie and Ryan, so many people from high school-"

"Oh, yeah, I saw Braxton and Paxton were getting divorced. Guess they couldn't come up with a kid's name that rhymed with theirs," Hangman joked.

Ghost chuckled. "See, the one that shocked me was Nelly and PJ. They seemed so smitten."

"Did you go to the ten-year reunion?"

"No. I wasn't friends with anyone, and I didn't want to stand around awkwardly while everyone else caught up. Did you?"

"Are you kidding? I couldn't wait to get out of high school. Why would I want to go back?" Hangman finished tightening the last screw, and the group stood up. "Well, looks like we can get a lot done with the girls watching over us."

"And when we have English instructions," Rooster added, glancing at the aforementioned packet lying on the floor next to his feet.

Juliette joined the group to admire the handiwork. "Thanks for helping you two. We owe you."

Hangman waved a dismissive hand. "Nah, this is on the house for our future niece and nephew. I think Uncle Jake and Aunt Annalise have a good ring to it."

"Agreed. If y'all need help with anything else, you know who to call," Ghost said, checking her phone. "I should get going. I promised I'd talk to Jackie later to see how breaking the news to Mom and Dad about her divorce went."

Jake turned his attention to Rooster. "Bradshaw, it's been fun."

Rooster frowned. "No, it hasn't."

"We make a good team," Jake continued, offering his hand to shake.

Bradley took it and broke into a grin, replying, "No, we didn't. It was a disaster."

"I look forward to the next project." He and Ghost headed to the front door with Juliette and Rooster behind them. Bidding the couple farewell, the two aviators left the house and walked silently down the sidewalk to their rides.

"You okay getting home this late?" Hangman queried, unlocking his truck.

"Yeah, I'll be fine," Ghost said, wondering where the question had arisen.

"You feel safe getting home by yourself?"

"Yeah. Why?"

Hangman rubbed the back of his neck. "I've been worried about you ever since you told me about Kyle. I don't trust him not to stalk you because his behavior is obsessive already. And look, if you're saying you feel safe because it's me and you want me to leave you alone, then just let me know, and I'll get Coyote or Rooster-"

"Jake-" Ghost interrupted- "I'm not saying I'm fine to get you off my back. I'm telling you that because it's true. If I felt unsafe, I would rather have you escort me home than potentially risk my safety."

Hangman nodded. "Good, good. I, uh, I'll let you go. Enjoy your night, Annalise. I guess I'll see you around."

"Yeah, see you around." Ghost turned toward her bike and then stopped, an idea popping into her head of how she could potentially break the ice between them and set them on the road of reconciliation. She took a deep breath and called, "Hey, Jake?"

He whirled around instantly. "Hmm?"

"Something dawned on me earlier-" Ghost stepped toward him with her hands clasped tightly in front of her- "you and I are both close to Juliette. We're not going to be able to avoid each other because of it, and I don't want Jules to feel like she has to choose between us. It's not fair to her. I understand I'm the one who cut contact between you and me, so I felt the need to be the one who tried to reestablish it. I'm not- I'm not saying we need to hang out outside of other people's invites-"

"Then what are you saying? Because I know it's not that you want to be friends again."

The sadness in his eyes added the missing emotion to his stoic tone, and Ghost ached to reach out for him, to embrace him and confess how much she'd missed him all these years, that she did want to be friends again but didn't know how or where to begin repairing what had been broken between them. Ghost forced herself to stay rooted to the spot and mulled over what to say. Hangman would sense if she lied, so she twisted the truth. "I'm not sure we can be friends again, not in the way we once were, but I do believe we need to find a way to at least become friendly acquaintances. For Juliette's sake and our future niece and nephew's."

Hangman nodded. "Agreed."

Ghost offered her hand, and he shook it. She barely managed to stop herself from shivering at the contact and the tingling sensation engulfing the parts of her hand where his skin touched hers. Snatching her hand back before her mind traveled down the road of desire, Ghost cleared her throat and said, "Good, good... well, I should, uh, I should get home. See you around?"

"Yeah. Are you going to be at dogfight football this Saturday?"

"I don't know." It sounded better than saying, 'I haven't gotten an invite from Maverick because, despite his cordialness to me the other day, I don't think he likes me.'

"Why not?"

Ghost shrugged. "The invite was a one-time thing last time. I don't want to show up uninvited."

"Then this is me inviting you. Besides, if you say no-" a cocky smirk spread across his chiseled face- "I'll tell Juliette, and then she'll call you asking where you are. We don't want her thinking it's because of our fall-out."

Ghost narrowed her eyes at him. "Are you using my own argument against me?"

"Yes," he said unabashedly.

Ghost tried but failed to bite back a smile. "Fine. I'll come."

"Great. I'll pick you up at nine. That way, we can swing by Starbucks on the way there."

"I can drive myself." Despite her protest, Ghost couldn't ignore her heart fluttering in anticipation at the idea of being alone with Hangman in his truck. A flood of memories washed over her: singing along to country music while cruising down roads in his passenger seat, sitting in the bed of his truck while star-gazing, and chatting while they drove through the hills of the Smoky Mountains to escape the Academy and see the fall foliage among so many others.

"Yeah, but then you can back out at the last minute, and I'm not letting you do that. I'll see you Saturday at nine sharp." Not giving her the chance to respond, he winked cheekily at her before getting in his truck. Ghost smiled to herself while she went to her motorcycle, simultaneously elated and nervous about the new situation she'd put herself in with Hangman. This plan would either take off or crash and burn. Right now, she couldn't tell which way was more likely, but Ghost knew what she hoped for.

****

Tags: @lgg5989 @shanimallina87 @polikszena @summ3rlotus @icemansgirl1999 @supernaturaldawning @thedarkinmansfield @lyannaforpresident @lapilark @getmyprettynameoutofyourmouth @simpofthecentury @shadeops21 @pansexualwitchwhoneedstherapy @double-j @bradshawsandbridgetons @catsandgeekyandnerd @peachiicherries @multifandomcnova @fandomsstolemylife00 @bookloverhorses @mak-32 @midnightmagpiemama @luckyladycreator2 @ellamae021 @kmc1989

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multiselves · 2 months ago

Note

What are your selves like? I have short burst ones like I was upset earlier today and chose to have one to cope is there a name for those, I mean like selves that come from coping? Also what is switching like for you? For me it just feels like a shift in emotion and a bit in personality but I still also feel like myself kinda blending together.

- 🍭🌿

Thanks for asking! I love yapping, so this ask is a goldmine for me. Before I say anything though, we're fluid between trisplurality and multiselves. What I experience might not be what you experience, and that's okay. The definition is super vague on purpose, it was made to be as inclusive as possible

Without further ado, yapping below the cut

What are my selves like? This question is a bit too vague for my autistic ass, so I'll leave an answer for every meaning it could have. In terms of how it feels experience my different selves, some days I feel a certain way inside, and some days I feel differently. It's not like, a huge dramatic thing for me most of the time. I just feel like someone changed my font. Does that make any sense at all?? If the self has notably different ids from the primary body/brain, then I feel notably different even if it isn't a big internal hoopla

As for their personality/ids, it changes so often. My selves are extremely fluid. While the "core" of the self remains, their ids and personality seem to morph over time. For example, one of my selves used to be a Yoonbum demicharacter, but over time his character traits fell away, and left him as just a chronically ill trissvictim.

We also have a fluid self count. Nowadays I never have more than 3 at once, but when I was around 12-13 I regularly had upwards of 15. Selves come and go all the time for us, so it's hard to really describe what my selves are like. The answer: very fluid in every sense

At the moment though, we have Grey (that's me), Mob (from the anime 😱), and Eun (he was the Yoonbum demicharacter). Eun is what you would expect. He's sick in most ways. And to touch on what you said about coping selves? Eun exists to process our symptoms of old/bpd. So yes, that is a completely real and valid experience.

Mob is also pretty much what you would expect. Silly reclusive fella with uber autism. And as for me, I'd consider myself to be an asshole. I hope that answers your question /gen

Now, about switching. You said you feel a shift? Well, the official term is shifting, so you've pretty much checked all the "valid" boxes there. For us, shifting is uh... Blurry. And sometimes dissociative, even when we don't identify as plural. For us, it usually happens in our sleep because the self in control always fights like their life depends on it lmao.

It's hard to describe what shifting feels like for us, but it usually feels like you're being sucked backwards, while a different identity is floating at the back of your head. If you allow yourself to float backwards, the other identity mixes with you, until you become it. And then, you arrive bright eyed and bushy tailed exactly where you left off, just with a whole new point of veiw

It isn't uncommon for us to lose our train of thought across shifts. I remember that Mob wanted to do some baking, but after we shifted into my mindset, I forgot for an entire day. We also occasionally have different preferences, and sometimes even opinions on more minor things, so I think it makes sense for you to feel a change in emotion and personality

Anyway, that's everything. Thank you for reaching out! I hope this essay was helpful to you

#grey talks

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hail-ey-m · 11 months ago

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¢няιѕтмαѕ ѕρє¢ιαℓ! α ησтє ƒяσм уσυя ƒανσяιтєѕ <3

.・。.・゜✭・.・✫・゜・。.

A note from some of your favorites~

My Hero Academia

Bakugou- Nerd, take care of yourself okay? Eat something. I mean it.

Denki- Sunshineee! Take a break! Enjoy the moment with me. :)

Aizawa- Problem child, you have really come a long way. Im proud of you.

Mina- Bestieee <3 Let loose for a minute, have fun and enjoy yourself!

Deku- Don’t be too hard on yourself, okay? You’re perfect to me the way you are.

Shoto- [Name], don’t let the memories ruin the good in your life. I promise good things will come.

Tamaki- Um.. make sure you take good care of yourself. Don’t forget, okay?

Jujutsu Kaisen

Itadori- Hey friend! Keep going, you’re doing a great job :)

Gojo- Enjoy yourself a little~, don’t get too caught up in the stress of life.

Maki- Keep your head up, you should be proud of yourself.

Nobara- Never forget that you’re special, there is nobody quite like you! ;)

Megumi- Enjoy what you have, you won’t have it forever.

Nanami- Keep up the good work. I believe in you.

Geto- Keep your goals high and your standards higher, I know you can reach them.

Haikyuu!!

Toru- You will always be my #1! <3

Kenma- You’re doing great, don’t overdo it okay? Don’t feel like you have to be perfect.

Hinata- Hey! I’m so proud of you! Never stop being yourself!

Kuroo- You’re beautiful, don’t let anyone convince you otherwise.

Suga- Take care of yourself! You are so important to me.

Akaashi- Don’t give up. You have gotten so far already, and I am so proud of you.

Bokuto- I believe in you!! You will always have someone in your corner!

Genshin Impact

Childe- [Name], keep trying your hardest. You will do great things.

Xiao- You’re breathtaking. Inside and out.

Venti- Never stop doing what you love!

Scara- Don’t overthink things, follow what you believe is right.

Cyno- Enjoy yourself, you deserve to be happy.

Kazuha- Remember to take care of yourself, [Name], you mean the world to me.

Kaeya- Don’t give up on yourself. You deserve the world.

Attack on Titan

Levi- Keep your head up. Be proud of yourself.

Armin- Enjoy the small things in your life, don’t get too caught up in the bad.

Eren- Do what you enjoy doing. Be who you want to be. I will never judge you for that.

Pieck- Make sure you eat and drink today! You’re doing a great job.

Mikasa- Don’t be afraid to ask for help. We’re all human.

Jean- You are loved just for being you, just for existing.

Demon Slayer

Tanjiro- You are good enough! Don’t feel like you have to change for people.

Zenitsu- Don’t feel ashamed for how you feel. You are valid and deserve validation ^^

Giyuu- You are so much more than what your circumstances dictate.

Shinobu- You can get through this. You are stronger than you realize.

Mitsuri- You are more beautiful than you will ever realize.

Muichiro- Your perspective is unique. It is important, and it is worth listening to.

Rengoku- Never stop believing in yourself. Just as I will never stop believing in you.

Tokyo Revengers

Mikey- You are strong! Remember how far you’ve come. Look at how far you’ll go.

Draken- Don’t give in. You will always experience hardships, don’t let them break you. I believe in you.

Kazutora- When you forgive yourself, you free yourself. You deserve to be free.

Mitsuya- You are complete as you are, you don’t need anyone to complete you.

Chifuyu- Don’t forget you are just as worthy of love and happiness as anyone else.

Baji- You’re doing great, kid. Don’t forget that.

Bungou Stray Dogs

Dazai- You’re human! Don’t beat yourself up over mistakes.

Chuuya- I’m proud of you for getting out of bed this morning.

Ranpo- Keep smiling. When you can’t smile, don’t. Never feel bad for that.

Sigma- Don’t rush things. You are growing and you are going at your own pace.

Nikolai- Hey! I see you, and I want you to know you’re important and valued.

Oda- Keep going, [Name]. Promise me you won’t give up on yourself.

Sally Face

Sal Fisher- [Name], when you feel like you are beyond hope, reach out your hand. I promise I will pull you out.

Larry Johnson- Hey, look up okay? Look up and know I am smiling down at you. Know that I am proud of you.

-ˋˏ✄┈┈┈┈┈┈┈┈┈

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cissyenthusiast010155 · 9 months ago

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Hi there! I hope this might not be strange to ask (well I don’t speak English well, but I’m trying my best).

I just had this conversation with my best friend (she’s a girl) and I get in trouble because of not having this communication about “Not wanted to do something” a podcast that we wanted to have a long time ago.

the thing is that I realized that I didn’t wanted to do that and I felt so bad telling to her that I want able to record the podcast

she felt so bad that breaks my heart. And I feel like a bad person, even if I know that I’m not one. The problem is that I don’t want to relate to anyone, I feel so sad about it and I ask to myself “Why is that expressing myself is so hard and hurts me so deep”

I’m a people pleaser non fully recovered, and I wanted to know if you have any life advice for this (and I’m so sorry if I didn’t express myself well)

{Let’s Talk about People Pleasing!}

Hi Darling…! It’s okay if you don’t speak English, I’m proud of you for reaching out and sharing nonetheless!! Such a good girl for dropping by and telling us this. You are very brave, sweetheart ♥️

Your ask seems to be about people pleasing and the recovery therefrom. I appreciate the example you gave about your friend and the podcast. Thank you for sharing all of this. Know that your feelings and your experiences are valid, especially your example. You are valid, sweetheart!

Before giving my advice on people pleasing, I’m first going to touch upon what people pleasing actually is. People Pleasing in general is the description for a person who actively strives to please others, often at the expense of their own wants and/or needs. Check out this article from Medical News Today to read further about people pleasing—What is people pleasing?.

Second, as well as needing to know what people pleasing is, you should be aware of how to recognize it. The key things to be aware of in people pleasing is low self-esteem, neglect, over-commitment, and difficulty saying no. I would recommend you read this Calm article especially the section about the recognition of people pleasing—Learn how to stop being a people pleaser with these 10 tips.

Now to your question— What is my life advice to recover from people pleasing?

Start to practice differentiating what is people pleasing versus what is genuine kindness. Talk through it with someone, identify what the root cause and/or trauma of your people pleasing is (if it’s with a professional, even better!). Practice and catch yourself when you start people pleasing, work on keeping yourself in check mentally. It’s a battle, but you got this. For a solid step by step guide for how to recover from people pleasing, check out this article—How To Stop People Pleasing: The Definitive Guide 2024.

If you’d like to hear more on this subject or anything else, don’t hesitate to reach out! I am more than happy to continue to elaborate and give my thoughts and resources. Hope you found this helpful, sweet anon. Have a lovely day/night!! 💞💞💞

Talk with Me ❤️‍🔥

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mommyownsmee · 3 months ago

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Hiii, I don't even know why I'm sending you this message but you're the first person I've thought of since I discovered your account

I have a dom, I like what we do but today it was weird for me, the person asked me to do something that made me uncomfortable but I accepted afterwards. And my dom acts as if nothing happened. I don't know if my dom pretended to not see or understand but since I satisfied her, I feel really bad...

I just want to cry in someone's arms. I want a dom who takes care of me and is aware of my discomfort...

Sorry for bothering you...I had to confide...

-clo (maybe a new..?)

Hey Clo! 𝒙𝒙

[of course you can be a new anon!]

First off, let me just say that I'm really honored you felt comfortable enough to reach out to me with this. It's so hard to open up about these kinds of feelings, especially when they’re tied to something as intimate and personal as a dynamic with your Dom/me. I want you to know that you're not bothering me at all. I’m really glad you reached out so I can help you.

Reading your message, I can feel the weight of your emotions, and it truly breaks my heart to hear about your experience. You deserve so much more than to feel this way—uncomfortable, unseen, and misunderstood. It's incredibly brave of you to express how you're feeling, especially when it comes to something as vulnerable as your boundaries and desires in a D/S relationship.

What you went through sounds really tough, and I want you to know that your feelings are completely valid. You have every right to feel uncomfortable and to want a Dom/me who is attuned to your needs and emotions. A Dom/me should always prioritize your well-being and make sure that you feel safe and cherished, not just physically but emotionally and mentally as well. The fact that your Dom/me acted as if nothing happened is really concerning, and it makes me feel bad for you even more.

A healthy D/S relationship is built on mutual trust, respect, and a deep understanding of each other’s boundaries and desires. It’s about both partners feeling safe, valued, and cared for. The role of a Dom/me is not just about control or power—it's about being deeply in tune with their Sub’s emotions, needs, and limits. A Dom/me should create a space where their Sub feels secure enough to express their true feelings and vulnerabilities without fear of judgment or neglect.

When a Dom/me asks their Sub to do something, especially something new or outside of their comfort zone, it’s essential that they check in before, during, and after to ensure the sub is okay. Consent is not just a one-time agreement; it’s an ongoing conversation. A Dom/me should be able to read their Sub’s body language and hear their unspoken words, knowing when to push boundaries and when to hold back, always prioritizing the Sub’s well-being over everything else—and their own needs and wants. It’s about creating a balance where both parties feel satisfied, happy, and respected.

The fact that your Dom/me didn’t notice or chose to ignore your discomfort really makes me worry for you. You deserve to be with someone who understands that being a Dom/me isn’t just about what they want—it’s about nurturing a safe and loving environment for you to explore and express yourself. It’s about building a dynamic where you feel empowered to voice your concerns, knowing that your dom will listen and adjust accordingly.

If you're feeling this way, it's important to address it, both for your own well-being and for the health of the relationship. Communication is key in any relationship, but it’s especially crucial in a D/S dynamic where trust and safety are paramount. Here are a few tips that might help you:

Take some time to really understand what made you uncomfortable and why. Knowing exactly what crossed a boundary for you can help clarify things when you’re ready to communicate with your Dom/me.

When you feel ready, have a conversation with your Dom/me. Find a calm moment to express how you felt about the situation. Use “I” statements, like “I felt uncomfortable when...” or “I felt hurt because...” to avoid sounding accusatory. This approach can help create a more open and constructive dialogue.

Set Clear Boundaries. Use this opportunity to set or reaffirm your boundaries. Make sure your Dom/me understands what you are comfortable with and what you’re not. It’s okay to change your mind about things that once seemed okay but now don’t feel right.

Pay close attention to how your Dom/me responds to your feelings and boundaries. A caring and attentive Dom/me should listen to your concerns, validate your feelings, and make adjustments to ensure you feel safe and respected. If they dismiss your feelings or fail to understand the importance of consent and communication, it might be worth reconsidering the dynamic.

Sometimes it helps to talk things through with someone outside of the relationship, whether it’s a friend, a professional (yes, there exist professionals for exactly that type of relationship!), or someone else you trust. They can offer a different perspective and support you.

I wish I could be there right now, holding you close, letting you cry it all out. Sometimes we just need someone to listen, to hold us, to tell us that everything is going to be okay—and I want you to know that I’m here for you. You deserve someone who respects your boundaries, who notices when something feels off, and who makes sure you feel loved and cared for. It's not just about satisfying someone else; it's about a mutual connection, trust, and understanding.

If you ever want to talk more about this or just need someone to vent to, please don't hesitate. I want to be here for you in any way I can. And if it means anything, I think you're incredibly strong and deserve all the love and care in the world.

Take care of yourself, okay? And know that I'm sending you all my support and warmth. You're worth so much more than feeling bad about satisfying someone who doesn't see your discomfort.

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